Countess Luann

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1:06Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware and we are sitting in New Cross. Lenny's looking glamorous. Am I? Don't know why. I'm now 40 years old. Darling. Why do you feel sorry for me? I feel really good about it. I don't feel sorry for you at all. I was just about to say I wish I was 40. Oh, okay. But I don't understand how you're 40 when I'm only 26. That is a big mystery. It's one of the mysteries of the world. So I've had a bit of a birthday week. Sam, gorgeous husband Sam, took me as a surprise. He pulled all the stops out, darling. To Simon Rogan, past guest of the podcast, his three Michelin star restaurant in Carmel in the Lake District, Long Clune.

1:48Darling, when did Sam book it? Four months ago. Shh. Apparently. Very good. He's so... Very impressed. He's actually... I think I probably had a gun to his head at that point, probably saying, I hope you've organised something special. Okay. I definitely led the horse to water and he drank it. I think he did incredibly well. It was amazing. The food and the staff and everything about Long Clume was just so special. Did you stay there? Stayed in their little guest house, which was gorgeous. I was so hungover the next day because we did the wine pairing. But we shared wine pairing. I obviously didn't hydrate.

2:25But when I looked at this stunning Rogan & Co breakfast, I mean the staff all looked at me I was like that person I saw darling I was in a hot mess what I don't understand is why you're such a lightweight your jeans are not lightweight jeans in terms of drinking anyway I just want to say thanks to the long clume what was your favourite thing? my favourite dish out of the 15 dishes and bear in mind we also added a cheese plate to that which I'm so glad we did because we had this truffle brie that they make there and with these oat cakes, which honestly, heaven. So you had 15 glasses of wine as well?

3:07Okay. I think about eight. And Sam decided to have pre-drinks with me. Okay. And I'm a lightweight, so it was completely silly. You need to... And he decided port. You need to drink more, darling, to get more practice. Okay, okay. What were my favourites? There was an amazing... which on paper kind of you go, a seaweed caviar. I can see your face. No, I'm not. It sounds interesting. Wait, bone broth and bone marrow and oysters. Like all the things that would make you go. It was amazing. Amazing. That was your favourite thing. That was one of my favourites. Also their posh cheese on toast. It was on like a croissant.

3:46And of course, because Simon Rogan, if you've listened to the episode, you'll know that he only uses produce that he can grow. So instead of maple syrup, he used birch sap. So it was this like gorgeous, grated, beautiful, sharp cheese on this croissant that they'd made that then had birch sap on it. So it was like a gorgeous French toast. How he thinks it all up. Cheese on toast. It was heaven. Was he there? He wasn't. Oh. But they were all so lovely. And I just, it was very, very magical. He's often on the great British menu. Yes. and then we had to stop because bless sam he may have organized that but he's not very good with fucking transport he ain't a tour manager just yet and so we had a two-hour stopover in lancaster lancaster lovely went to a gorgeous coffee shop yes no don't it's fine it's fine um because we went to this gorgeous coffee shop called atkinson's and i had the most delightful coffee ever so shout out to atkinson's and then we came back and i've just been eating and drinking and now we are cooking for a countess I think our first countess yeah I think she is do you know anything about this woman the only thing I know is that she was on Tim Gunn's Guide to Style which our lovely Sarah produced my cousin Sarah and she said she was great great fun was she as late as she is today I don't think so because I think it was much more organized so I've cooked a lovely meal however we have a little problem where my daughter has a concert that i cannot miss so when we asked the countess if we could start at 12 30 they said 12 45 we were like we'll make it work however the countess is going to be an hour late an hour so my poached chicken is going to be quite over poached the strudel we may not even get to the strudel because apparently we may have only 30 minutes with the countess so thank god i've brought in barry my friend barry has come here because when i said to him who we are both housewives fans so barry is a fan of the podcast always thrilled you can speak barry there's mike there for you hi everyone you're right barry also has featured at the beginning of my um album that feels good as one of the if you've heard the sexy Scottish voice on that feels good that was Barry so Barry when I said I had Countess Luanne I knew he would be very excited and I said how am I going because see I'm quite a purist and I've only really done Housewives of Beverly Hills and I've started amateur amateur yeah yeah because there are how many Housewives series I would say actively at the minute around 12 yes okay okay Tell me them all, Barry, because I don't know any of them.

6:36Okay. Beverly Hills. New York. Potomac. Potomac. Atlanta. Salt Lake City. Come on. Salt Lake's a cracker. Is New Jersey. Yeah. I've heard of that one. Melbourne. Dubai. I don't know if Melbourne lasted. Melbourne is no longer on air, but I can highly recommend. Yeah. Cheshire. Cheshire. And is that all footballers' wives? We have to watch it to find out, then. And do you, is it just reality television watching them moaning about the husbands? It is so much more than that, Lenny. Okay. It's girls gone wild. Wasn't Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife in it? Spot on. Yes. Beverly Hills. Anyway, I started the reboot of Housewives of New York City has come back with a whole new cast.

7:25So the Countess isn't in it anymore. No. because the Countess is doing very well. Life is a cabaret. So what is the Countess doing at the moment? Well, let's just rewind for a moment because when I said to Barry, how the hell, because I know the Countess Luanne is a kind of cultural LGBT icon. Correct. And why do you love her so much, Barry? I think of all the housewives, particularly in New York, she had the biggest journey. So she went from, in the first season, being this very prim and proper countess who was writing books on etiquette. Yeah. And now, part of the reason why she's late today is she was at GY performing her latest cabaret on stage.

8:16Can she sing? Or would sing not be the imperative style? She has her style. She can put a song across. So when I said to Barry, we've got the countess, what am I going to do because I can't do 15 seasons of Housewives of New York City? He gave me the greatest cliff notes and guided me through each season to understand the arc of Countess Luanne's journey and the best bits. This will include be cool, don't be uncool, which will make no sense to you. Yeah, you've just got to be cool today, Mum. Don't be uncool. Just don't be uncool. Just don't be uncool. What is uncool, though? It became part of her thing.

8:58She shagged a pirate. She was having a wild time. Where were they? What do you mean she shagged a pirate? Just to correct you on that, there's two separate incidents. There are two separate. This is when she had the friends. Go on, Barry. What is shagging a pirate, for God's sake? Allegedly. Did he have an eye patch on? He did. Okay, fine. He resembled a very young Johnny Depp. Very long. Okay. Yeah. The incident Jessie's referring to was a cast trip. One morning, two of her castmates burst into her room. She was unhappy with them. She pointed out to them that she could have potentially had a gentleman call her in the room at the time.

9:42And she just kind of came out with her sunglasses on, bikini, a little bit hungover. Maybe about to make eggs a la française. Who knows? Spot on, spot on. And she just told them all to be cool. but don't be uncool and it's become one of our main catchphrases Barry has been here God you know the whole script and Barry is a very talented successful man who cultured this is why mum maybe you need to jump on the Housewives bag wagon I don't it's just a stress relief I literally never watched one episode of Real Housewives before lockdown I actually bumped into to the guy that created it, Andy Cohen, at a party in December 2019.

10:29And I'd had a few to drink at this party. And I literally asked him what he did. And legitimately had a bit of a lame two-minute conversation and kind of moved on. And then literally six months later... He's your god. Absolutely. Andy Cohen is like the mastermind behind it. He also does these brilliant... Doesn't he have a podcast? He does. And he has everything. what happens live like he also we want him on the podcast and he also chairs these reunions where he is the mediator between all these women who've got to the end of the season they've watched it and then they've seen what each other said about each other and it kicks the fuck off and he's jewish as well he'd love your chicken soup yes would he but okay to explain to people that don't watch housewives um countess luan has you know performed at mighty hoopla um the queer festival in London and you had in the audience people like Tilda Swinton, Elizabeth Day, self-esteem.

11:26These are people that adore this woman. She now has a friendship with Tilda Swinton, I believe. Correct. Correct. What's on the menu, Darlene? What have you done? I have done, producer Alice showed me a recipe that her brother made for Sunday lunch and she said was amazing. It's called boiled chicken, but we're not going to call it boiled chicken we're going to say it's chicken poached in a lovely stock what would attract you to make that recipe when it's called boiled chicken that's would put me off straight away because alice ate it i know i understand that don't judge a book by its cover no that's what i'm saying why doesn't he change the description yes because boiled chicken just sounds disgusting it's what i do for the cat this is why i'm serving yeah the countess it's a terrible word it's a terrible word you're right you're right very odd his name's chef matt moran he's a chef and restaurateur and a farmer and he makes this poached chicken where you do it in this gorgeous stock which is fresh chicken stock star anise cinnamon sugar sherry vinegar mirin soy orange peel it smells amazing and then what you do is you kind of bring it to the boil simmer it for 20 minutes the stock and then you just put your whole chicken in and turn it off you do two minutes cooking turn it off so it cooks in the steam so we're not gonna give her salmonella well she's not fucking coming anyway so it doesn't matter and now the chicken was supposed to be 90 minutes in there well luann's making sure it's three hours now barry barry as an avid luann and housewives fan is this quite on brand for Countess Luanne to be over an hour late?

13:05100%. Right. Normally she makes an excuse about coming from uptown and the traffic in New York. Uptown. Should we see how that... Oh, the first thing she'll say. Yeah. Yeah. So this is on brand. So I guess we're getting the authentic. Well, she's famously a diva. Yeah. I can out-diva her. Let's see. Any time. I'm scared. To be honest, I really like Countess Luanne on all the series, and I think she's got... She gets a lot of stick from all the other housewives. She can get a lot of stick from this housewife today as well. I'm now starting to understand. I thought that we were all being a bit hard on her.

13:47No. But maybe I'm going to tell her some hard truths. Yeah. In the words of Lenny, this is fabulous. Fabulous. Let's see if she's wearing Giovanni today. What's Giovanni? Oh, God. It feels so good. There's so much to understand. about her. What is Giovanni? Giovanni. Giovanni. It's a fashion label that does very blingin' sequins. So we've got lots to ask her when she turns up and very kindly she has said that she'll wait for me to come back from my daughter's concert to do part two. There you go. Countess Loanne featuring Barry and Lenny and Jessie on Table Manners when she gets it. If she gets it.

14:29I don't say that.

14:38That is an outfit, darling. That is an outfit. Oh, my God. Giovanni. Jessie, this is Giovanni. Of course it is. Of course it is. Wow, that is an outfit. Giovanni. It's Giovanni. Wow. So how do you hold it all up, darling? It has cups. And do you stick them in? No, it's built in. oh it's built into this whole thing it looks like you're supporting it like a cantilever exceptional body what I love about Giovanni dresses is that they all have cups so you don't have to worry about bras Jessica you need Giovanni darling yeah we do, we totally do we all need Giovanni right where have you been? I have been I know where you were You were at GAY last night, weren't you?

15:32Yes, I was. Is that why you're now late, Luan? Oh, no, it's the traffic, darling. So listen, though I am a Housewives fan, and I have to apologise right now because I started with Beverly Hills. Oh, well, that's okay. I know all those girls. So I'm a purist, and I thought that... And then I started the reboot of New York City. Yes. And I knew of you, of course, and I heard about your incredible... Give her the glass of wine. Well, nice to meet you. I missed you at Hoopla. Well, I missed you at Hoopla, but Tilda Swinton didn't, didn't you? I know. She's great. I love her. Sorry, Mum. Thank you.

16:12It's fine, darling. I have to say that I... Cheers, darling. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, Mum. I have now watched 11 seasons of Housewives in the space of 10 days, thanks to this fine gentleman, Barry. Oh, hi, Barry. Super fine. now Barry is a super fan but also Barry is like the chief financial officer was of Victoria Beckham, Christopher Kane, so he I've got a day job he has a day job but his main passion is housewives so when I was like right I need to understand Countess what's going on with her I think I understand and I've never watched it for example the cabaret show So, you know, they never show it because of music rights.

17:00So they're not going to pay for a Bravo. So they only show the drama around it. So you never really get to understand my cabaret show and what it is. Well, I'm going to come in February because you're doing a UK tour, aren't you? I am. Yeah. So anyway, there's always the squabble around it, you know. And this is where Giovanni, the song was born because... Dorinda. Yeah, Dorinda introduces me to Giovanni. Now I walk in there, I put on something and I walk out. You know, they don't have to alter it. Yeah, but look to figure down. I know. You look fantastic. So, but then she got pissed because I looked so good in the dresses.

17:31And she was heckling. And she heckled me. She was not being clumsy. Who was heckling? One of my castmates was heckling me from the stage. It's my first cabaret show. Yes. I mean, she behaved terribly. What would you say about that in your book? About heckling? About heckling? I mean, who would heckle somebody? It was, do you have... What was she shouting? She was shouting, Giovanni! Giovanni! Because she was pissed off that I was... Does she wear Giovanni as well? Well, not anymore.

18:07Not anymore, but... She was just jealous because she looked fabulous. It's like saying, I introduced you to a designer, right? Yeah. And you go there and you like their things and you have a relationship with them and then you're doing a cabaret show. So they start giving you clothes for your cabaret show. I can imagine she's a cabaret man. Right? As a girlfriend, are you going to say, you can't wear Giovanni. I mean, I were Giovanni. You know what I mean? So it was this kind of thing. It was not she. That's real jealousy in that movie. Oh, yeah, real jealousy. I'm team Luanne. The jealousy has been going on for years, you know.

18:36You sound like real bitches to me. Mean girls. Oh, they are. They are. I feel like you actually came across as the least mean girl of all of them. I'm not mean. I'm always trying to defend myself against the mean girls. Why do you think you did so many series? Was it good money? Or was it that you... It was good money. And good exposure? Good money. and staying on television. But you, because I mean, you had such a journey throughout the seasons. You got divorced. You got married. I got divorced. Yeah, you found out about... I got arrested. You did get arrested. Oh my God, why were you arrested, darling?

19:12It's a long story, but I was, you know, I went to, I got married in Palm Beach, right, to my second husband. Okay, who was the first... He checked all the boxes. Darling, who was the first one? First husband, I married a French aristocrat. That's why I'm Count Count. He built the Suez Canal, Panama Canal and actually gave the Statue of Liberty to the US for the French. Why did you divorce him? Well, he left me for a princess from Ethiopia. What can I tell you? He left you. He did. Yep, he left me. I'm sorry to line. Oh, it was rough. You were very in love with him. I was. He was my whole life.

19:44But that's where I found Deepak Chopra and found, wow, there's somebody in here besides this and life, right? Wow, there's a soul in here. so I discovered meditation and yoga and um and anyway and you know moved on but they saved me Deepak saved me I was like a mess I was going to run my car into a tree so my husband would have to come home and see me in the hospital that's where my head was at I was like did did you financially because he oh no financially he's always taking care of me until I got more and more famous and made more money and then he kind of stopped. But always the kids. Always took care of the kids.

20:26How many children do you have? Victoria, who's 29. And my son Noel, who's 28, he's just behind her. They're 22 months apart. I met the Count in Switzerland. I was a TV star in Italian television. Oh, wow. So you speak Italian? I speak Italian and French. And Spanish and English. Okay. But anyway, so I went to model in Milan and do well. And I found television and became a TV star in Italy. And then I went skiing in Switzerland and I met my French aristocratic husband at a dinner party. We get married two weeks later. Two weeks? Marion, Haste, Luann? No, they stay together for a very long time.

21:07How long? 16 years. Oh, that's a long time. And I have my two children. And you've got your two gorgeous children. Exactly. They were born of pure love and magic. You know, when the magic happens, jump on the train. Don't be the one left standing on the platform. Anyway, we met at a dinner party and that was it. And we literally left a week later and tried to figure out, we went to Paris to a party. And then we're going, where can we get married? Like right away. And because we have, I had, you know, a princess ho-in-law who was my mentor. And she had cancer and I'm a nurse by training. And so I was like looking after her.

21:42And then she really wanted me to find, she wanted me to be happy and find somebody of that kind of stature. She married a Austrian-Hungarian prince, a girl from Atlanta, Georgia, or Macon, Georgia, I should say, who used to work in the early days with Bob Hope and radio. Wherever there is hope, there is honey. So that was her thing. And she married an Austrian-Hungarian prince. And, you know, she hung out with Princess Grace. and, you know, I mean, we'd go to London or Paris. It was, you know, Givenchy, Speed Dallas, Givenchy. We'd go shopping at Givenchy. Givenchy opens the door. He's like six foot ten.

22:21It's so tall. Anyway, she had all these very fancy friends and aristocrats and she became my mentor. And she goes, I want you to be. So she knew the parents of Alex. His father was ambassador to Monaco for 40 years. So Alex grew up around Princess Grace etc but he was the rebel he went to college in America he threw arms into the river during the Vietnam War okay with SDS against the war etc you know college student etc anyway so he's very kind of Americanized and not the typical Aristo who is not going to marry an American like me right because I don't come from a certain family or and where were you from you from Connecticut Connecticut, yeah.

23:04Yeah, you know I'm from Connecticut. Listen, yes, I've learned a lot about you in the last 10 days. And I'm fully obsessed. And I need to know, I listened to one of your songs on the way over here. Should we talk about this, actually? I don't know whether you've heard about this. What? Somebody mentioned that it was like money. Yes. So I had an album out called That Feels Good. And when it came out, there's a song called Shake the Bottle. And on it, I assume this character, it could work in the cabaret, actually. Okay. And I'm speaking like Jimmy lies, Jimmy cries, Jimmy's just like other guys.

23:43And it's, I had not watched Housewives of New York City by the point. Elegance and Flair and Savoir Faire. So, have you heard this, then? I listened to this. The mash-up. Yeah, well, I want to hear that part. No, I haven't. Okay, so somebody, lovely. No, I was listening to your music on the way over here, but I didn't hear that. A fabulous gay man has mashed us up together. Oh, come on. I presume gay. Do you know about this, Roger? No, they didn't. You don't know about this? Oh my God, she has class with the Countess. Shake the class. Hang on. I love that. Because my song's called Shake the Bottle and yours is Shake the Class.

24:15So let's just see. Okay. Somebody put this. This was a long time ago. Someone said Shake the Bottle by Jessie Ware was giving Money Can't Buy You class by Countess Luanne. So without further ado.

24:30What? they can imagine I know men are poor never going to have the boys too far but I just walk and I can't stand it so there you go that's me and you collaborating no how funny thank you the internet no you have to send that to us I need that so and I have to say that people thought you know I'd assume the role of Countess Luan which now in hindsight I this was serendipity that we're meeting in fact I was really thinking about Erica Jane at that point right oh as you're a Beverly Hills girl yeah exactly but no I'm I'm a Luan girl I have to say um but anyway so I just thought that was so funny that this happened before we were meant to meet this was kind of a year and a half ago that we have already had our own mashup how funny and I didn't even know about it well I feel like maybe we should perform it at headliner and mighty hoopla oh please now listen you did hoopla last year was it last year yeah oh this year sorry we're still I'm going to go on this year.

25:29Yeah. You did it this year. Yes. I think you were on the day before me. Okay. And I just, people like Elizabeth Day, who you now have met, I think, who does one of the most famous podcasts called How to Fail. Oh, I don't know about that. You should be doing that. She had her own bomber jacket with Chic C 'est La Vie. Roger, will you text? You should definitely. And she got a photo with you. She's called Elizabeth Day. And the podcast? How to Fail. Yeah. Elizabeth Day, How to Fail. And I, you need to do it because she, she adores you and has spoken about you so much. You're kidding. You should definitely do it.

26:08Yeah. Absolutely. I'm going to listen to everything you tell me. The thing about Countess Luan is that you, you show yourself and everyone feels like they know you and you've, we've ridden the highs and lows with you. That's right. And then you have these fans like Elizabeth Day, Tilda Swinton. Can you explain to me how the Tilda's. And the girlfriend Bridgerton. Nicola Collum Nicola she did a spook on my song on Chic yeah so you've got that and then you've got more shoes people love you can you explain to me what happened with the Tilda Swinson thing because Tilda I mean I've seen things of her being like is she here is she here yet is she talking about you in such anticipation where did you meet well she came to the Coco Club okay yes when you did your show well I actually came to Hoopla where's the Coco Club in Camden oh it's fabulous okay first of all she came to hoopla I heard she was coming I didn't know because there was 40 ,000 people there or something and then she came to the Coco and Lynn had an after party for me at Coco Lynn's good at after parties isn't it we love her so she came come to the after party and she comes running over to me wraps her arms around me did you know who she was?

27:23yeah of course and start saying darling you just spread so much joy, I adore what you do you're so entertaining you've done six shows now in a row you must have a rest why don't you come to my humble little abode in Scotland and I'm going to take care of you I'm going to cook for you so she's like a super fan right she watches the house hours and then I have my assistant with me Roger so So Roger's with me, and Tilda has a gay assistant, Lewis. So I said, you know, Tilda, I've never been to Scotland, so let me see if I can. Now it's a Friday night, and I kept the weekend to see friends. But I'm staying with them, so I've already seen them.

28:10Anyway, I said, Roger, let's go to Scotland. So I let the boys figure it out. I don't say to Tilda, I said, you know what, I'll let you know. So the boys are in cahoots. so of course we said you know we'd love to come to Scotland oh good darling so we're going to meet at 4.30 at the train station the train departs at 5 we're going to have crumpets and red wine I said okay so then I get on the train she says how's Sonia she starts asking about the housewife Sonia's a housewife I don't know any of it I'm going to have to watch it Mum has a thing with reality TV which I think you've given reality TV too much of a bad rap she just won't partake in it And I actually think that you would be so enamored by these women.

28:53She would like New York, I think. Beverly Hills too, probably. Right? Yeah, I mean, I... So they said you stay the fuck away from them. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. Right. But people love that show because it is crazy. So you had like a five-hour train journey with Tilda. So we go with Tilda. And then... Was it intense? Dorinda. Dorinda is shooting Traitors with Alan Cummings. Amazing. So she's in Scotland, right? So I tried to call her. Are you still friends, either? Oh, yeah. I love Digivari. Oh, yeah. Okay, fine. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. We're fine. Besties. So, anyway, so we go. And my humble book, come to my...

29:27It's a castle. I'm like 300 acres. You're kidding. No. From 800. Not 1800. 800, okay. Did you feel you had a lot in common with her before you met her? As a human? Yes. No. I mean, I didn't have anything in common with Tilda Swinton, right? But as a human and as a person, she's so down to earth and lovely and eccentric. I mean, let me give you a hot water bottle for bed. So she brings the hot water bottle covered in sheepskin or whatever. And then she's, Louie, Louie. She's got four setters, right, around. And when Louie was in a movie with her, where she plays her mother, I don't know if you've ever seen that.

30:04She goes on a trip with her mother, and she plays the daughter and the mother. It's really interesting and trippy. Anyway, so, and she's such a phenomenal actress. Oh, unbelievable. so anyway so so Louie and she's carrying my Giovanni bags up to my room and with the hot water bottle and then Louie jumping to the bed with the count who's going to keep up complaining tonight so she gives me a dog to sleep with I mean beyond how did you feel did you feel okay about that I felt great about it we had a fabulous time with her and so now we're friends for life okay so so you're having poached chicken like high knees chicken it in.

30:45Okay. And just eat what you can. I guess what, I'm hungry. Can we have a bit more sauce? Thanks. But also, we can just eat and then I will pop up. So my daughter has a concert that's just up the road. You should go. Imagine if I bought Luanne. I would love it. She would love it. Gets all the year threes to go. She, c 'est la vie. C 'est bon. This is delicious. Good. Can you explain to the listener what eggs a la francaise? Well, it's very simple actually. It's really scrambled eggs but the French make it this way. You whip the eggs like you would to make scrambled. Yeah. Splash of water. That's where I've never done that before.

31:27Okay, go. So if you put milk it separates out the water. Right, okay. Right, so it gets watery. Oh. Water, you beat into the eggs salt and pepper. Butter? Sauce pan. Yeah. No frying pan. See, okay. On very, very low heat. Very low. and just stir constantly you can put in goat cheese a little bit if you want how long is that going to take you to make two minutes well for like scrambled eggs yeah but you have to do it very slowly you have to just stir on low heat okay lots of butter right and just keep stirring to the consistency you like and it becomes like whipped potatoes and who taught you this and then you can put pesto on top you can put marinara I like truffle oil myself we all do yeah well of course you do you're a countenance.

32:14Do you like truffle? I do like truffle. I mean, do you, like, we know about eggs à la française and I will try it with the water. Is, if you were coming around to yours, I presume we'd start with eggs à la française if we were doing a little, a little kind of, we were doing a tilde where we were staying at yours. I made her eggs à la française. Well, did she request it? Yes. And did she adore it? She loved it. Now, what would you cook for us if we were coming over? Because I, apart from eggs à la française, I haven't really seen you cook other stuff. Yeah. Well, I make a mean lemon chicken. Yes, I love to cook.

32:48A mean lemon chicken. Super easy. I make a great pasta. Tell me what's in your lemon chicken. Well, you start with the lemon, right? Juice about six lemons. Four to six, depending on how many people you have. You mix in honey. Yeah. Crushed garlic. And do you have chicken pieces? Pepperoncino and pieces separated. Right? So you have the olive juice, the honey, pepperoncino, salt and pepper, crushed garlic. Right? Delish. Oh, yeah. And then I put it in a Ziploc bag with the chicken. Put it in the fridge a couple hours. Put it in the oven at, what,$375? Yeah. I don't know what the things are here, but$375,$400, whatever,$425.

33:37and for half an hour skin side down and then after half an hour you put in your the lemon the halves around the chicken and olives and then you turn the skin so it's inside up so you can have a nice brown skin what would you serve it with? rice rice with pinoli nuts Toasted Toasted pine nuts Yeah, pine nuts How did you know that? Roasted pine nuts And I put When the rice is done I put in the little raisins Raisins, gorgeous You put in raisins so they get soft raisins And then the pine nuts You put it just grilled a little bit So they're roasted Toasted or whatever and you mix that with the rice.

34:37Luanne, I'm sorry I have my phone on the table. I know that is a faux pas that you would burn something for. However, I'm checking the time because I now need to go and see my daughter quickly sing. Now, what you can do. I need to talk about it a lot. You can talk a lot. No, I'm coming back in 20 minutes. Okay. Probably 25. Doesn't she want to see your daughter? There'll be no ticket. You're only about one ticket. It's like Glastonbury up there. Don't worry. But I will be back and I will be asking some more questions I'm so sorry to be doing this This is delicious by the way Alice, it's fantastic Where were you brought up?

35:14In Connecticut And how many in your family? So my mother's French Canadian which means she came from Paris to Canada So she's French Canadian and my father is American Indian You're kidding He's part of the Mi 'kmaq Algonquin tribe but he's Canadian but his mother was Indian so he's half so I'm a quarter oh wow so all his heritage was his native American Indians yeah exactly so that's where I get people think I'm European you've got cheekbones to kill for yeah exactly you know and I know yeah right so you know a cheekbone I know I'm cheekbone I see I'm looking for mine and so you had um so you how How many brothers and sisters?

35:59I have four older brothers and one older sister and one younger. So I'm the baby. Second to last. So that's seven? Seven. Crack it. And your second to last baby? Second to last. Okay. That is a big family. What did your dad do? He was a contractor. He passed away like 20 years ago already. Oh, Shane. Yeah, at 80. My mother's going to be 96 in January. Oh, that's fantastic. I mean in December. One by second. I'll show you a picture. Do you see her often? Yeah. She's in Connecticut, so. I'll show you a picture. You can't believe how she looks.

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38:16I've arrived back. I hear you two have been yakking away, getting on very well. Yes, we have. We've been enjoying our time. I need to bring it back to food. Food, yeah. We didn't even get what you ate around the dinner table with your siblings and your mother. Oh, okay. So what was a memorable dish from your childhood? Well, we went to church every Sunday. My mother, both my parents are Catholics. So every Sunday we had to take a bath, put a dress on, get dressed appropriately. Are you going to try some or do you want less? I'm going to try it. Good. You don't have to finish yet. thank you you know what I told your mum my mentor used to say to me darling it's the wine or the dessert darling you cannot have both so because of the sugar darling this is dairy free so she would say you can have one or the other and I always pick the one and so both dairy free ice cream or some I'll have to try it Luanne do you mind me asking we're drinking wine today and in the show I feel like it would be remiss for me to not acknowledge that you did go to rehab and you stopped drinking and how have you kind of reintroduced it and how are you today, because I mean we're drinking wine and I'm acknowledging that and I just don't want to how long have you been drinking again well let's see, I was sober during COVID thank God because I feel like people were drinking a lot during COVID and so I was grateful for that now my daughter is sober Victoria and so she really inspired me to stop drinking and then you know after I had a kerfuffle with the law enforcement of Palm Beach which we didn't get into yet I need to tell you that story because it's a crazy story but then I did another season I did an Ultimate Girls Trip, how are you familiar with the Ultimate Girls Trip?

40:17No but I do have a question about that right so because you've done two i've done two first when i was sober um cal richard said to me um you're not drinking i said no and she said you're so much fun without drinking so i think that was kind of do you think it inspired her a little bit to stop drinking um and she just didn't feel good and so you know bravo to her it's pun intended bravo yeah um so anyway so i spent many years sober not drinking uh last ultimate girls trip we went tost bert's so i decided you know what i'm going for a week with the girls the ogs and i'm gonna i'm gonna drink yeah i'm gonna have a good time with the girls the old guard the original the original gangster the old guard the original gals original gals let's call them anyway so so that's so now i drink on occasion okay and this is an occasion okay exactly thank you for clarifying that i just kind of yeah i wanted to I don't understand.

41:12But you know, my relationship also with alcohol changed. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I was self-medicating at that time. Ah. You know, I divorced Tom. Yeah. I then got into trouble because I went to Palm Beach where I got married. And I went to the same hotel where I got married. You were like torturing yourself. Which I shouldn't have done. Why did you do that? Well, because I thought I could handle it. Right? So I went there and then I drank a little too much. And I went to the wrong room. Right? is this where you met the pirate no okay we gotta catch mommy up so anyway it's okay I just told her she should watch some clips you know like the famous scene of Bethany you know certain things you should see you should mom it's fantastic important television okay so you walked into the wrong room you can't wait I walked into the wrong room because the maids were turning down the beds pressed the wrong floor and the elevator Each room looks the same, right?

42:09I thought it was my room. Yeah. Now, this is nine o 'clock at night. I can drink most people under the table. Now, you've been watching me in the houses. Would you say I have a drinking problem? No. Besides the fact of this happening to me. No, I always, I mean. No, maybe Dorinda. Dorinda. Maybe Sonia. Bless her. She's always got a bit of schmutz on her face, isn't she? She's pissed. No. Oh, no. I always felt that you could handle your liquor, and you were always together, apart from when you fell in the bush. Exactly. Well, we were all drinking tequila. So that was fantastic. That was kind of funny.

42:44But in that way, I'm a happy drunk. You see, I don't get angry. A lot of people can get angry. Anyway, so I went to the wrong home. Can happen to anybody, right? Maids are turning down the beds. Press the wrong floor. I mean, if one thing went differently, it would have never happened. But they know who I am. I spent$50 ,000 the year before on my wedding at the hotel. Okay, that's how it was where I had a luncheon. The Brazilian court is where I got married. Anyway, we had a weekend of, you know, one more fabulous party, you know, like a destination wedding for New Year's Eve because it was Tom's birthday.

43:18So what happens when you go in? So guess what? They come and they say you're in the room. After 9.30 p.m., I don't remember anything. So I think somebody put something in my drink, which I couldn't say then. No. Because I would look like, oh, yeah, really? and it's too late now to prove that somebody might have put something at 9.30 I'm black out which is not me that's so terrifying I mean I was at heaven last night until 2 o 'clock in the morning judging yeah you were judging the right so it's not me so something happened to me but I don't know what happened it could be emotional whatever but they didn't they came to me in the wrong room and I insisted it was not the wrong room so they called the police why?

44:00and I was in handcuffs five minutes I mean She was also out of handcuffs within five minutes. That's true. Which is quite remarkable. Houdini over here. Maybe they had a fetish. Well. Well, I. The police saw you and they thought handcuffs. No, you know what I found out? I'm sorry. I asked the lawyer. You know, it was horrible. I asked the lawyer. I said, how was I able to slip out of my handcuffs? He goes, because you're a famous countess from New York who they do not want to hurt. If they hurt you, they're in trouble. so they put them on loosely so I was able to slip out because I was so furious but guess what darling there's no handles on the inside of a car car you can't open the door of course not so I wasn't really going anywhere but what did they arrest you?

44:46I didn't really I didn't care I was like you know I was like this I was like why did they arrest you though? because I was disorderly conduct I ran from the abusing arrest it was like full count exactly they charged me with everything resisting and I ran like a child like you want to lock me up I didn't do anything wrong I didn't even leave I was in my own I was checked into the hotel as a guest I was staying as a guest I mean Andy Cohen was thrilled though thrilled did they draw great challenges well no it took me well they did eventually totally they're totally not on my record no because they got a whole season of housewives out of it they sure did How did that make you feel?

45:31Was that okay? Did you feel in control of that? I felt in control of that because I decided to stop drinking and so it was now, it's now, now I told Andy the story but, you know, I couldn't and you know what? The policeman that arrested me, he went to jail. For what? For planting false evidence and, Oh my God! For your case or somebody else's? For somebody else's but he'd done it over and over and over again. Oh, he's a bad dude. So he was a crooked, bad cop who decided to arrest me for no reason because, you know, Don't forget the colony. People go to the colony now, hotel, to see where I got arrested.

46:07Thank you. Thank you for explaining. So there you go. Yeah, okay. That's the story and most people don't know that story. Thank you. They think that I was like, you know, I ran like a child. I closed the bathroom door, touched the police on his forehead. Now battery on a police officer. I mean, everything you can imagine. Can we talk about Connecticut growing up? I'm going to get this bloody answer out in the third time. So my mother, My mother, every Sunday we went to church, right? Yeah. So after church, my mother cooked lunch. And it was steak, mashed potatoes, fried onions, and green beans.

46:43Every Sunday pretty much. Do you like steak still? I do. Yeah. Are these raisins? Yeah. There's raisins, walnuts, and apple in it. It's quite Christmassy. It feels almost like a mince pie, but it's a noodle. But it's got all spice in. Get it. I know, you probably need a knife. I'm sorry. That's okay. I'm going to try a little bit of the inside. So, every Sunday, she would make steak and mashed potatoes. Then they would go in their bedroom and lock the door. To have sex. Oh, my God, this is your mum and dad. Every Sunday. And so everybody knew that. Church. Everybody knew they were. So that's why there were seven of you.

47:26Exactly. Shit. I am, I've had a healthy sex life Just do you need a knife? When did you realise that was what was going on? Well, when I walked in one day and they forgot to lock the door Oh my god Right, okay That's true Now we ask every guest what their last supper would be This is, before you're going to a desert island not Palm Beach cell We're going to a desert island you're going to have your last supper it's going to be an appetiser main dessert drink of choice. Can you tell me what that last supper would look like? Oh, well. A twice-baked potato with loads of caviar on top. Oh, wow. I've never heard of that.

48:20They have a place in New York next to the Merck Hotel. Do you know the Merck Hotel in New York? I know of it, and I've heard about this. Caviar caspia, it's called. What they do is they take out the whole stuffing of the potato. Yeah. And they whip it up into this magical thing. And they literally put this much caviar like this right on top. And it's one of those big, big potatoes. It's the most delicious. That's what we're starting with. I like this. No, I like this. I like where this is going. So good. Okay, what's your main? I'd probably go for a steak. Yeah. A good steak. Which cut do you like?

48:56In America, it's a bit different to here. Ribeye? Ribeye. You like ribeye. We get that here. Any condiments? Do you like french fries? I do. Yeah. Okay, we'll do french fries. Okay. Maybe truffle fries. I mean. Truffle fries. I was taking trouble. Truffle fries. Any salad? Chocolate loose. Chocolate loose. I love a good chocolate. I love chocolate. I nearly made that for you. Never mind. Never mind. It's okay. And what drink would you go for? Red wine. Red, okay. A good Bordeaux. The best. Do you need a drop now? No, no, no. You're going, okay. And if we were, let's kind of put this into two things.

49:36Third ultimate girls' trip, and who's around the dinner table for your last supper? Who would be around that dinner table? In terms of the women? Of the housewives, yes. From any franchise? Yeah, any franchise. Like the ultimate last supper girls' trip. Lisa Rinna who's she who's she Lisa Rinna's very famous who is she she's fabulous she's great which franchise is that she's married to Harry take your husband's name out of my mouth fucking mouth yeah god take your husband somebody out of your mouth tell me she's fabulous Lisa Rinna's amazing and which franchise is that Beverly Hills okay okay Lisa Rinna I'm gonna take hmm Dorinda Yes.

50:23Yes. I love Dorinda. And when she fucking lets rip, it is amazing. Oh, it's not pretty. It's not pretty. Right. I'm going to throw Bethany in just so we can go at it. Really? Good for you. Oh, she's going to be at the table. Maybe we throw Ramon in too. You have to. Oh, we have to. So I think the tables fall. Which of all the housewives, husbands, do you fancy? Oh. Well, this leads us on to Marie F. Kill. Marie F. Kill. Which is the name of your new, you know. That's right. She has to hear Mary F. Yes, you do. The verses go like this. There's men that I would marry. They give me such a thrill.

51:00There's men that I would F. And men that I would kill. So we're not killing anybody, but, you know, get right up. So which was, of all of them, which would you F? I didn't think of it. Of the housewives. You're going for F first, Mum. Well, no, because she's not going to kill them or marry them. Okay. So which ones do you fancy? Exactly. anyone you Mario is handsome are you is there anyone Ramona I thought he was handsome he was Mauricio yeah a bit obvious I don't like the the veneers the veneers right that just blows it for me okay who else she likes a man with his own teeth okay so do I at my age or at least where you can't tell they're veneers right yes don't they do once when they can't really tell some have them like bathroom tiles they're horrendous aren't they I know That's what I'm saying.

51:52I'm thinking about it. I really have to reach. So there's no one you're really jealous of. You mean in general or housewives? Housewives. Not really. One of my famous wives. Not really. Wouldn't you be upset if you find a naked guy in the bedroom next to you? Not really. Not really. Okay, fine. Would you? I don't know. Be cool, mum. I'm going to be cool. Don't be cool. Don't be uncle. Don't be like all I go. Yeah. Don't be like all I go. Okay. Oh, well, that's a long story too much. Yeah, I know. Oh, boy, there's so many stories. The pirate. The pirate. The pirate was quite hot. The pirate? I showed her the pirate.

52:35Oh, you did. He was gorgeous. How old was he? Just like Johnny Depp. Yeah, exactly. But better looking. Old enough. 40s. In the 40s, just about right for you. Yeah, he lives in Miami now. Oh, really? Have you hung out again? Nobody's texted me. He went on the show and he dug up the pirate. Of course he did. Of course he bloody did. So you're in the midst of your American tour right now, but you've popped over to London to... To visit you and do some press for my upcoming tour. Which is next year. Which is next year in February. Barry already has tickets for Glasgow. Oh, yes, really. They went on sale today.

53:14I know, and guess what? It's like almost sold out already. They just went on sale like an hour. So where is the London show? Where is the London show? At the Adelphi. The Adelphi. I'm playing the Adelphi. Sure, you're West Ham, you're West Ham, baby. I can imagine. We're coming. Yeah, you have to come. Absolutely. By which time I've watched every franchise. Not every franchise, just mine. Just your franchise, of course. Not every franchise, just mine. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. You're playing festivals. How does it feel to have... I mean, you've probably been asked this a million times, but as somebody, you know, on the same bill as you at Hoopla, Hoopla probably one of the greatest...

53:52Darlene, you were at the top of the bill. I'm like somewhere at the bottom. No, but I saw the crowd. I saw the crowd for you and I saw the screams. Sing the money, don't buy your class. Can't, but yeah. Can't, sorry. But how does it feel to, you know, you've had a relationship with the queer community for a very long time. I mean, they've adored you for a very long time and now you are... Finally here. You're here. It's taken me years to get here. Years. Because, you know, people... What did my agent always say? They don't know what they don't know. Which is, you can't tell from the housewives what my cabaret show is.

54:29Right? So people have always... Well, you know, it took me a while to gain respect in the community of cabaret. Right? I'm a housewife, don't forget. So it comes with the housewives tag. Yeah. Right? So it's hard to be taken seriously on other things. Yes. So it took me a while for people to see what I do and come to my shows and be like, this is an amazing show. I also have a new director. Not so new. He saw my show in the very beginning. Richard J. Alexander. He directs Kristen Chenoweth. He's directed Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand. I don't know. He's like the diva whisperer, they call him.

55:05Wow. The diva whisperer. Yes. He's amazing. I need him. Oh, he's amazing. And anyway, so he came to my show and he goes, Countess, I got to tell you. I came here not expecting you very much. And this is what happens. People don't know. But you fucking blew my mind. First of all, you can sing. Please don't swear at the dinner table. Oh, I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry. You have to bleed me. You have to bleed me. Please keep it down. Okay, bleed me. I swear so much. I had to do it. You're right. I had to. You're amazing. You can sing. And you wear a dress like no woman I've ever seen. And you're funny.

55:38So he said, give me two weeks. I'm going to find you the right agent. you know and he got me into with Live Nation and touring but it took me a while to get over here to the UK and even though I've been touring around America and Canada so finally I'm here and Australia's coming too they get you, they get you over here they do and I think the show is new to them so I'm kind of new like new meat you know what I'm saying which I love because they don't they think they know me from the house but they really don't So cabaret is my way of getting to know my fans better and then getting to know me. What I saw seemed fabulous.

56:18So many costume changes. It's funny. Like you're doing basically stand up. I am doing music. And it's like. It's really pub culture meets cabaret meets comedy meets a fashion show. Before we let you go. We have to take a picture. Well we have to take a picture. But I also would love to get Countess Luanne's nostalgic taste that can transport you back somewhere. Happy or sad.

56:44I mean it's terrible but you know the ice cream truck, the sound it makes it's like always a happy memory, right? Well, it happened to be that the day I called Tom for a divorce the ice cream truck was passing by So did you go and get an ice cream? No But it will never mean the same thing Oh no Right? So I hear an ice cream truck now It's like a clown face. I don't cry. But it's like... So I have to change that memory. Why did you do... You divorced Tom. Oh. Is it too big a question? Well, because he was stepping out. Okay. Good. Well, so... Did you get to keep the ring? No, I sold it. Good for you.

57:33What did you buy? I bought myself a Cartier watch. Oh my God, I love that. Yes. Was the ring lovely? Oh yeah. It was really nice. Oh, it was really nice. One of those six carat canary yellow. Yeah, it was good. It was great. It was good. I kept my first wedding ring from the Count. I kept it from my daughter. Tell me, when you get engaged again, what sort of ring... I'm a hopeless romantic. Of course you are. What sort of ring are you going to get? And will you be wearing Giovanni down the aisle? Probably. I think I would go more emerald cut. Yeah, I think. Classic. Yeah, classic. Yeah, I had a pear, but I lost that in the ocean.

58:19Oh, God. At least that's what I told him. I left it on the counter in the spa, but don't care. Oh, my God. Don't tell anybody. Anyway, I don't care. And then... Were you insured? Oh, wait. The ring... Please. No. oh shit yeah I know he was not happy about it so his father gave me a diamond and a pendant actually it was like a big diamond necklace and so when I lost it he goes well can I get another ring you know that diamond necklace my father gave me take one from that but it was like there was a lot of diamonds so I took five carol we love the count now we also can't not acknowledge the fact that you did a book all about etiquette.

59:06Yes. I love you have it right there. I bought it. I need to sign it. You do need to sign it. Now, what is your worst table manner that you see in somebody else and you're just like, I can't eat with you? Wow. Because I thought swearing was up there for you. Phones on the table. Phones on the table you don't like. I don't like spoons on the table. Probably when this happened to me, I was at a dinner and somebody was talking and they had I can't break this apart can I it's not working like this and there's a piece of meat yeah I know what you mean by that oh I hate that I'm like put it in your lap and have your hands on your lap right or when people leave their somewhere like this people are like should I pick up the plate you know and also when people take away food like waiters who don't know they have to wait for everyone to finish well this is the thing that drives mum mad right because then it's in America it's an American thing I know in England we always wait until everyone's done because you're really you're kind of you're European basically she is European you know I spend a long time I do and I miss it here so you know what don't be surprised if I move on over here really yeah what about the Hamptons spot the SAG well I'm going to keep my Hamptons house maybe we'll have to find you a little spot in like I used to live I used to live between Switzerland and the Hamptons so I could do I'm done with Switzerland I don't think Whitstable is the place for her maybe I can get a job maybe I can get a job in Tosso I think a little flat in Children's Firehouse let's do a Housewives of London Housewives of London yes yes I guess who's going to be on it with me could you be a house would you be a housewife darling would you I would be terrible I'd cry a lot I think I would I'd be in your team though yes I don't know I would Who would we get to be on the Housewives of London right They'd all be footballers wives that's the problem I mean Why do they have to be footballers wives She's going to be I'm a celebrity Fuck We should have got the Housewives I thought there was no swearing at the table Sorry Luanne thank you for being here Thank you so much Good luck with your tour Such a pleasure to meet you and thank you for that delicious meal You're very welcome Good

1:01:39So first I wanted to kill her, then I wanted to F her, and now I want to marry Countess Luanne. She's very lovely. I wanted to kill her too, but you couldn't help but really like her because she's warm. She's game. Game, quite humble. I really liked her. Yeah, she's just lovely. She works hard and she really is so proud of her cabaret show. And she's a hustler and she wants to make it work. And she's like, she's excited about life. And I think that, please, at 60, I'm being able to do shows. Do you see her legs? Her legs are fantastic. I've never seen legs like that. They were the longest legs I think I've ever seen.

1:02:20She's gorgeous. She's honest. Yeah. Barry loved her and had a big chat about Chilum. Cheatbones. cheekbones for days yeah signed my book class with the countess said jesse such a gracious host chic c 'est la vie merci love you and mom luann be cool be cool don't be like uncle don't be like see mom maybe you've got it you kind of you kind of into the housewives now no okay um well i think the stock was very nice i don't know i have to say it was exceptional really i thought the taste was absolutely gorgeous but i would say that i needed the stock yes because i don't think it would have been as flavorsome without the stock it needed the stock i would have had it more like a bit of a kind of i would almost like a ramen yeah like a foe yeah we live and we learn with boiled chicken but you know but it was delicious the strudel how was it um it was really tasty it was odd Barry liked it.

1:03:22It was a strange taste because it didn't taste very appley. It was tasty. I thought it was great, actually. But I didn't think, I thought the puff was fine. I didn't think the filling was tart enough. And I put lemon in as well. So I would not use Granny Smith's. I would use Bramley. Well, don't worry because Countess Luanne didn't. Didn't push in a gob. No. Thank you to Countess Luanne for coming on the podcast. You can go and see her in the UK next year. Tickets are on sale at countessluanne.com. My children are here now, so I need to go.

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