Jason Manford

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1:05Hello and welcome to Table Memories. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here in Clapham with Mum. It's a lunchtime. It's an autumnal, breezy day. I'm in my first Polonek of the season. The one that was mine that I gave you. Yeah, thank you. How are you, Mum? I'm fine, Jess. You've made dinner. Yeah, I did it all last night. Oh, nice. So that's why you're so chilled and relaxed. Yeah, so I could get to Pilates. But actually, I did cook till 9.30 last night. I thought, why am I doing this? The smoke alarm went off twice for the griddled vegetables. It's just, the juice is not worth the squeeze. It was reassuring that the smoke alarm worked.

1:45Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah. When you live on your own, that's good. I made the dessert. The dessert looks amazing. Is it a Nigel Slater? Yeah. We are giving Nigel Slater a lot of love. I feel like Nigel Slater... We should have him on the podcast. We should have Nigel Slater on the podcast. We're putting a call out. Nigel, we love you. We'd like you to come on and we will cook your food well because your recipes work. Did you see Alison Roman's pregnant? Yeah, lovely Alison Roman, who's also listening to my other podcast, Is It Normal? The Pregnancy Podcast. She's enjoying that. She texts me saying I'm listening to that other podcast of yours.

2:19So, yeah, very sweet. Congrats, Alison. Yeah, we have funny man Jason Manford coming on. Looking forward to this one. Northerner. Yeah. I'm sure you're going to talk about Manchester. Yeah. Man City supporter, sadly. Problematic. Yeah. But yeah, we can't wait to chat to him. He's got so much going on. He just does a bit of everything. Musicals, quiz shows, comedy, acting. Family man. Yes, six children. Yeah. What have you made, Mum? I've done lamb meatballs. I've done a Greek salad. I've done griddled vegetables. Right. And I've done rice and I've used Turkish rice, which is longer grain. And I think it's just, I'm hoping it's like when we have the rice at International Cafe.

3:03You know how the grains are really long? Or like FM Mangale. Yeah. And we get it from there. Yeah. In Camberwell. And then I've done a plum shortcake tart. Yum. Yeah. Which is with butter, flour, bit of sugar and ground almonds. Was it hard to do? No. That's what I like. Yeah, food processor, five minutes whiz, done. Oh, nice. So looking forward to this one. Jason Manford on Table Mamas.

3:45Thank you for being here. Pleasure. I'd actually knocked on next door, so please apologise to your neighbours. Oh, did you hear anyone there? I was 20 minutes into a podcast next door before. Yeah, so there was no one there, thankfully. Where have you come from? Stockport. Is that where you come from? Yeah, yeah. I'm Manchester. Oh, are you really? Whereabouts? Well, North Manchester near Heaton Park. Oh, yeah. Broughton Park. Yeah, nice up there. It's nice and posh up there. Have you got Oasis tickets? I have got Oasis tickets. Did you, dynamic ticketing? How did that work out for you? Or are you on the guest list?

4:15Who knows Noah from City? You're a City fan, aren't you? City fan, yeah. Text Noel. No, I didn't. I was winding my mates up because I said, oh, yeah, because the Oasis, what they've said is that if you put your season ticket number in, you get early access. Oh, my goodness. And all my mates were fuming about it. But that's not the case, of course. But, yeah, no, I did manage to get four tickets. I got the 160 quid ones. Well done. What, Heaton Park? Heaton Park, yeah. That would be the best gig. It will, but also, at some point, you know there'll be a pint of wee being thrown onto your head you know what I mean they're not well behaved at Ian Park you know what I mean heart life have you ever been well I've seen you know the victims on the next morning yeah so yeah so it'll be interesting I did sort of because my daughters are desperate to go how old are they 15 and so this is the new generation into a racist this is the new generation yeah so they're desperate to go so that was that's what swung it really that's what you know but I was a bit like why don't we just go to Cardiff I reckon Cardiff it'll be nice because I'll do that you'll definitely do the first one yeah exactly have you got twins I have got twins yeah so has she have you you've got twins as well and she's a twin are you really alright crikey is it a nightmare it's hard yeah it's hard but I've got six kids so like it's a lot of kids busy man yeah well I was yeah not anymore I've got six kids six kids when did the twins come first and you let yeah I've only ever had multiple children I've never had one I don't know what that's like.

5:48So right through from 15 down to six. Have you got boys as well? Yeah, I've got two boys. Do they fight? No. Well, one's 12 and one's six, so it would not be a fair fight. Oh, you've done that. You've played a blinder there. Yeah, yeah. Are you boys then? I've got a girl and two boys, and the boys are just all over each other. Right. They love fighting. But do you know what, don't you think? I'm not saying it's easier, but it is much more simple with boys. Is it? Yeah, just from my experience with the six, is that boys are very root one. you know they're very like physical and almost primeval like in the way they're at and girls are very like everything's like little microaggressions especially once you get into teenage you know uh years it's everything's a little so nothing is big enough at least with a boy like there's a moment where like one of them will hit the other one you go don't do that and i can deal with that you know i'm able to i was i had brothers and it's something physical it's something you've seen and witnessed but my girls like just little microaggressions thing yeah and also you can't really going hard on a microaggression because then you look like a psychopath so it's really difficult like you sound like you're a headmaster of a second school funny that isn't it which leads me into i never knew you could act i know well let's find out i don't know yet do i have not watched it waterloo road did you watch waterloo road before the kids watched it during lockdown okay yeah it's really good it's a great show loved it it's a great show yeah and uh it's uh yeah no So it was a, I did, I mean, I did act it at university and studied at uni.

7:20And then before I sort of got into standup properly, but so yeah, I've always sort of done little bits, but this was the first sort of major, major one. Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Loved it. Loved it. It was so, it was so nice. It was, it was a weird one because it was, it came right in the middle of a really busy schedule. I just finished, I was just about to finish the Wizard of Oz at the Palladium, which I did last summer as the lion. Finished that, which was great fun. Yeah. Great. 10 weeks. Just, you know, Just doing that was great Was it the musical version Like The Wiz Ease on down the road No it was the Andrew Lloyd Webber version So it was Not the American one Similar to the film But with that extra Lloyd Webber song You're triple threat aren't you Well I don't think Unless the If the third thing's dancing Then no I mean I can get away with it Okay you've got comedy instead Yeah exactly Put it in there Where did you grow up Stockport No actually I was born in Salford Oh that's Yeah At Bourbon Park.

8:13Yes, that's right. It's not too far from where you said. Not far from Carrington. Yeah, not far from Carrington. And then I actually grew up in a place called Wally Range, which was like South Manchester. Went to school in Charlton. And then, you know, at some point was like, right, we need to find somewhere to live. So about, yeah, about probably when the girls were born, actually. So what's that, 15 years ago, we sort of moved to Stockport. But for ages, I thought we lived in Cheshire. I was like, oh, we live in Cheshire. It is Stockport, Cheshire. Well, no, it's not. I found this out during lockdown when they started doing all the tears.

8:44Oh, it's an M. Yeah, when they did the... It's an SK postcard, but when they started doing the tear system and they were like, right, that village is allowed to go to the shops and that village is not allowed to go to the restaurant. And we were like, oh, we're all right because we're Cheshire, aren't we? And they were like, no, you're not your Manchester. Who was around the dinner table when you grew up in Salford? Right. And what were you eating? What was a really memorable dish? Well, we were sort of unusual, in inverted commas, back then, because my, and you know, so if you think in the sort of mid 80s, what this must have been like, where my mum was the breadwinner and my dad was a househusband.

9:18So he was, as he says now, I was a househusband before it was trendy. Trendy. Yeah, so he's like, he was a trendsetter. What did your mum do then? My mum was a nurse. She must have worked hard. Yeah, I mean, really hard. And also she was young, you know, I was born two weeks after my mum's 17th birthday. Wow, oh my goodness. But don't forget, this is Salford. That's actually counted as quite the late starter. But she had three of us by 21. So it was a... Three? Yeah, so like... So how did she do her training? Just that, just sort of gave up work. And then my dad had like... There was a point where my dad just had three jobs.

9:54Like he just worked. He just came home for an hour, had a sleep, then went back out, came back in, had a sleep, went back out. It was like... He was like in the hospital the other day as a janitor. And then he was like cleaning sterile supplies and stuff. and then he would go out and work in a pub. And then for like a month over Christmas, he would work at the post office, like, you know, overnight, like sorting out all the letters to Santa. So, yeah, so it was, and then, so I think he was quite glad in a way. I think he was like, you know, actually, it's too hard this, you know. So, so he obviously worked it out and then mum, yeah, mum trained to be a nurse.

10:26And then, so then dad was, you know, was at home and I wouldn't say he was a cook really by any stretch of the imagination. So we had, I'd say three meals on rotation. Okay. So it would be Finder's Crispy Pancakes, waffles and beans. I mean, the flavours of the Finder's Crispy Pancakes would change. It wasn't that unimaginative. What are the different flavours? There was a mince one. There was a mince one. There was like a cheese. Cheesy one. I think magma, I think, because it was so hot. It was the hottest thing that you've ever eaten in your life. And yes, we'd have that. But his speciality would be, you remember the cod in sauce that you'd boil in the bag?

11:07Oh, boil in the bag. Boil in the bag. Delicious. Which sauce? Love it. The butter or the parsley? The parsley. They were sweet. Are they still in the shops? They should be. Someone should bring them back. We should bring them back. They're fit. Yeah. I don't care what anyone says. They were well nice. Yeah. You used to do that on a... And it was square. Square, yeah. It was like no fish you've ever seen. I mean, it was essentially sous-veying, wasn't it? Yeah, really. Yeah. It wasn't really sous-ve. It was all cooked before her dress. And then you put it in a hot boiling water. Before microwaves.

11:37Yeah, fit. So then did you... And the other one was macaroni cheese with chopped up hot dog sausages. Oh my God, from a tin? Or did he make it? Oh, well, you know, pasta, cheese sauce. Oh, he didn't do all that? Yeah, I mean, he was, yeah, as basic as that. You loved that one? Loved it. Yeah. Did you have ketchup with your macaroni cheese? No, not really, but my kids do that. I love it. Yeah, no, I'm not into that. And a Sunday dinner, obviously. Did you have a takeaway? No, I don't feel like there really was. Chips with curry sauce? No, I mean, maybe the odd, you know, fish and chips and stuff.

12:12Yeah, and I do like a chippy curry sauce, you know. But aren't we so spoiled now? I remember it was like when we were younger, it would be fish and chips from around the corner. Jessie, barely. Barely, barely. Or you'd get like maybe an Indian or a Chinese for like a special occasion. Yeah. We never had takeaways. But now you have like Deliveroo and like... Three times a week. Yeah. Easy. I get my groceries on it. Like, it's just you can get anything. Yeah, we are. We're not good people. Like, we need to sort this out. But yeah, no, I agree. Like, I mean, I remember as a kid, like McDonald's was somewhere you went for someone else's birthday.

12:50A birthday party. Like, it wasn't like, oh, I'll just pop to McDonald's because I'm hungry. And it's like, it was like an event. Do you cook? Er, sort of. Did you used to cook when you were younger? Like, would you help your dad out or it was very much like... No, we just sort of got up, didn't we? We just didn't really... But interestingly, because my dad was a househusband, I remember being about seven and asking for, like, a buggy, you know, for, like, with a doll in it. Yeah, like a buggy. A buggy. Because that's what your dad did. Yeah, because just, obviously, as a kid, you just go, well, that's just what...

13:25That's what your dad did. That's what dads do, don't they? That's what blokes do, you know? So like quite an unusual boy just walking around, you know, 1989. Quite unusual at school because it must have been all mums in the playground dropping the kids off. It was, yeah. And I remember like school sports day and stuff like that when they'd all rock up. You know, there wasn't that many dads there, to be honest, you know, and he'd be one of the few lining up against all the mums for the race. How is sports day now? Do you go to sports day now? Yeah, I love sports day. Are you competitive? I'm all right.

13:58The problem is you end up with someone who's more competitive than you. You know, you sort of rock up and you think, oh, this will be a bit fun. You're in your jeans and your trainers, and then someone's got, like, spikes on their shoes. You're like, all right, mate. Calm down. And somebody inevitably pulls a hamstring. Every time. They do one race at our kids' primary school where, like, you've got to get in groups of parents and then do all the different obstacles. And you start off and you're like, oh, hi, I'm Toby's mum. You're like, oh, nice to meet you. and then literally like 30 seconds to the race, she's like, come on, Susan, come on.

14:31I'm really into it. Like, you've let us down there. But you don't live up in London. No, no. So what happened when you were doing The Wizard of Oz? Wizard of Oz. So yeah, we just had a little flat in Things Cross. So I just stayed there. But it was, yeah, I just sort of came down. So you're addicted to Manchester? I don't think I'd ever live anywhere else than up there. I love Manchester. I miss it, actually. well we were we were in Twickenham for a little while and um I was sort of I was in between the two and uh and then I and then my wife said you know oh maybe we should we need to buy a house because we were sort of renting and so I looked at in fact I just mentioned this actually on the way here because I was looking at all the nice houses and um as we were looking at this house it was like an end of terrace house that used to be a sweet shop and like a garden like the size of this table um 1.3 million pounds i was like and my wife my wife thought that was it like normal i was like let me bring you to the north where this house would be 280 000 where's your wife from is she not she's from kent yeah oh my god yeah how did you meet uh she's a tv producer yeah so she producing you she yeah she's perpetually producing me she uh she made a show yeah we did like a little pilot for a sitcom together, which didn't make it, but...

15:52But you did. But we did, yeah. And then she cast me in a show, a biopic of Tommy Cooper. She made a show called Not Like This, Like That. I blossomed from there. Can you cook? I can, but I do find it a chore. I find it a bit like washing up or ironing. It's something you've got to do to survive. I would have thought, you being a creative, it's like your way to unwind. You think about jokes. you'd think about. Where do your best jokes come to you? Oh, that's just like... Shower? Yeah, shower and car and middle of the night. Do you always write them down? I write everything down. But then obviously, like I'm sort of developing this tour now, so we're just about to go into the working process.

16:33Is there a theme? No, not really. Not yet. Once everything's down, sometimes a theme starts to appear.

16:42I've got a little bit of a theme about... Because obviously my eldest kids are so... I didn't really talk about my kids in the last tour, just because we'd just come out of lockdown and that seemed to be the big subject at the time. Whereas now I'm at that point where the kids, my eldest ones anyway, are, you know, they're nearly 16, and they're nearly at the end of their childhood. And that's quite a moment as a parent. I heard a phrase a long time ago about saying you only get 16 summers with your kids. Oh, don't. That's like heartbreaking. No, it's hard. Because obviously in the moment, when it's 365 days a year, 24-7...

17:18She's about to cry. Oh, let me tell you another statistic that will destroy you. Oh, fuck's that. Listen to this. By the age of 12, you have spent 75 % of all the time you'll ever spend with your children. No, no. I know, it's horrible, isn't it? It actually broke my heart. And obviously vice versa, 75 % of all the time they'll ever spend with you, so... Actually, that isn't quite true. Look at yourself. It's good if you can get a podcast together. But yeah, so it does, but it's good to hear things like that because it does re-engage. I found myself for a long time, certainly early on in my big children's childhood, where, and I've watched back now, like old videos and stuff where, and the way I describe it is to say, I was there, but I wasn't present.

18:05When did you switch? I think I heard that phrase, the 16 summers phrase, and was a bit like, and then, and I guess, Also, I went through a divorce and then I suddenly became, when I had them, we had like a 50-50 with the kids there, I suddenly was like, right, I've just been working all the time. And suddenly I had to learn all these new things that my ex-wife had done. And I remember having to go to like, I went to local hairdressers and was like, can you show me how, while the kids were at school, I was like, can you show me how to do girls' hair? Because I've not done it. God, that's hard. Oh, God.

18:43Yeah. So you can do a French break? I mean, a little ballet bun on occasion, you know. That's very sweet, you turning off at a hairdresser. I know. They were very nice, actually. They let me try some hairstyles out. The girls don't let me near their hair now, of course. How old were they when you went through the divorce? My oldest would have been, you know, five, six. Right. So, yeah, it's hard, you know. But all you can do is just, you know. So you've had most children since? Yeah, so I have two with my wife. I would say my current wife. On stage. Your current wife. My current wife. And then you go, you're not allowed to call them that.

19:20The middle one. She doesn't like that. Like little jokes that she doesn't like. But yeah, you know, you sort of, all you can do is. So do your kids all live in Manchester? Yeah, yeah. We live like sort of five streets away. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, really close. And that's one of the reasons I've not moved down as well, because the kids are there. And it's just a good support network. and we get on and everybody gets on. That's so nice. A bit too well sometimes. You sort of come in and your wife and your ex-wife are just sat having a cup of coffee chatting and you're like, no, no. These two worlds can't meet.

19:55It's called blended families. Yes, quite. Should we put the food on? We'll put it on, darling. Excited. So obviously this is a predominantly food podcast. Yes, of course. Oh yeah, you were asking me about childhood food, weren't you? Yeah, no, and I love that we got boiled in the bag there. But you're not a big cook. No, not really. I do like a gadget. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so like, you know, we've got like an ice cream maker, like a ninja ice cream maker thing. Have you made any? Creamer. Oh, my God, I'm obsessed with it. What's your flavour that you've made to? I made a tiramisu ice cream. Oh, lovely.

20:32Yes, and I totally just stumbled on it. It was my birthday. I love a tiramisu. Yeah. A friend of ours had made me a tiramisu, but I was the only one who ate it. And I was like, it's going to go off this in two days. I'll turn it into an ice cream into the freezer. And it's still there, yeah. So I've got like, there's a constant like six tubs of homemade ice cream just ready to go. That's incredibly, that's lovely. Yeah, it's prepared, yeah. Do you always get like a gadget at Father's Day? Yeah, I got like a samosa maker I got a couple of years ago. That is still in the box, to be fair. Why? Do you love a samosa?

21:09Yeah, I mean, I love everything. You know when you go on that TV, it's Saturday Kitchen, they say, what's your food? Hell, I go, nothing. Like, really. I had to really pretend, like, cauliflower. Like, I just was trying to find something to do. But, yeah, sort of eat all sorts, really. Would you like a glass of wine with your lunch? Well, I'll have what you're having. What do you want? She's thrilled. I've got white or red or rosé. Whatever you think. Go on, you're the guest. I'm not a massive drinker. Do you want to know what we're eating? Yes, what will match the food? Meatballs, darling. I'll have a Vimto then.

21:44I've got Vimto. Have you really? Yeah. That's actually my favourite. Do you want a little Vimto? I'll have a Vimto. Will you? I'd rather that than wine. Would you? I would. A cheeky Vimto. Do you want it hot? It's sugar-free. That's okay. Put two sugars in. I have Vimto if I'm not well. You are proper Norwood. Yeah. Vimto. It just makes me think of being ill. Do you have to get it in the, when you go to the supermarket down here, is it in the foreign food section? It's definitely not. You can't get it anywhere. So it's really, it's very northern. Oh, she's got two, because you can take one on the train.

22:19I love them. I'm not a massive drinker, really. I think because of the job I do, I never really got into it. There was comics who needed a drink before they got on stage. You weren't that person. And I wasn't that person. I also started at 17, so I wasn't actually old enough to drink. Did you start with comedy? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You started at 17. Yeah. So was somebody, I mean, obviously you were funny. You were making people laugh at school. Were you still at school at that point? Thank you. Yeah, I was at college, yeah. And what was the light bulb moment where you were like, I'm going to go and put myself out there?

22:56Yeah. I don't remember there being a moment where I felt like... How did you get into the club? Well, I worked at this particular club. Okay. Flexing glasses. What's it called? It was called The Buzz Club. It's a Chinese restaurant now. But like everything has sort of moved on to something else, knocked down or whatever. Where was it? It was just in like Nell Lane Estate in Chalton. So it was like, it was a weird place because it was quite a sort of tough area. Yeah. And downstairs was like quite a bit of a rough pub. But upstairs was this lovely function room where people have weddings and funerals and whatnot.

23:29And I would just, I'd just clean up and wash up. And they had a comedy night on a Thursday night. and I saw some brilliant comics, Carolina Hearn and Peter Kay and all these brilliant comics, Steve Coogan. And then one week, I was on about like three quid an hour or something. You know, I do a five hour shift, collecting and washing up. And then the guy booking it was like panicking. It was like quarter to eight or something and he was panicking. And he said, I said, oh, what's wrong, John? And he said, he said, oh, I've got three acts on the way up from London. The car's broke down and I'm, you know, I'm going to have to cancel or whatever.

24:04the landlady of the pub, Anne, said, Jason could do 10 minutes, couldn't you? 20 minutes or so. I said, no, of course I can't. You're mad. She's doing performing arts at college. I was in a local college in Hume. And I said, no, I don't think that's the same thing. She's like, it's funny in the kitchen. I was like, in the kitchen, though, for free and not in front of 200 people. Anyway, I tried to get out of it. And then in the end, he went, I will give you£60 cash tonight if you can go and just, even if you don't, even if you're rubbish, it doesn't matter. I'll still give you£60. I thought, well, I could be rubbish for£60.

24:45And... Wow, so you... Sorry, do you mind if it's in the pack? No. Not at all. And that's really brave though. I guess you had the, you kind of were accustomed to being on stage because you were doing performing arts. Yeah, I'd done a bit. And like at school and college, which, like, I had a teacher called Mr Wiley at school who had obviously sort of seen that I was able to do it. And so even when I was, like, 14, 15, if there was, like, an open day and they needed a kid to host something, I was the kid who'd host stuff, you know. So, yeah, so I got away with that. And I loved stand-up as well, so I'd seen a lot of comedy.

25:18How about yourself, darling? Oh, thank you very much. Well, I'll let you guys tuck in first. No, go, go, go. You go. So you say, for 60 quid, I'm going to go and do it. I thought, why not? Yeah, so I sort of had 20 minutes. I remember ringing my dad and saying, I'm going to go and do a gig and he went, don't. I said, what do you mean don't? I said, he's going to give me 60. He went, that's my local that. I've got to go, I've still going there. And he was like, if she died in your ass and I've got to still go in there. So your dad wasn't a pushy parent in the office? Okay. Not at all. But my mum's side, they were all performers and singers and tribute acts and all sorts of stuff going on.

25:49So yeah, so like my nana was, my nana Ryan, she came over from Dublin in the 50s and she was, her and her husband were like a folk duo like an Irish folk duo and they had 11 kids and she turned them all into singers and musicians and then they were in a big show band in the 70s like in the North West so I sort of grew up around performing and entertainment Could you play for Ireland then? I've got an Irish passport So have I Have you really? How much have we got in common here? It's crazy Massive Are you going to get up for 60 quid and do a little stand up? Maybe Maybe you should open up for Jets No darling Will you help yourself, darling?

26:27Thank you so much. So you go on. Yeah. Have you got anything in the bag? Do you know what was weird was the stuff I prepared, the stuff I thought about. What, in the five minutes? In the five minutes I had. Yeah. Was like, there was, at that point in time, I remember there was like funny emails. You'd get funny emails and stuff like that. And I remember there was like funny answers from Family Fortunes or something. I thought, oh, that'll be funny. Yeah. Anyway, it wasn't. Oh. And it was, but it wasn't like, you couldn't. Did you do Family Fortune then? No, actually I did a pilot when they were looking for a new host.

27:01I did during lockdown, I did a pilot for it and then... But you got a new quiz show. Yeah, it's like the most successful daytime quiz show. Yeah, it's very unbelievable. Explain the premise. We're going back to that story, by the way, but... It's not... Oh, this is the answer run, yeah. This is... Yeah, well, they say most successful. Like the biggest launch they've had for a daytime quiz show for 10 years. That's massive. Which is amazing, yeah. Still well off the point. Still well off the chase. that's pointless but you know we'll get there back to this story I'm seeing this as like a biopic like I'm seeing this on the telly soon who would play the young Jason oh gosh yeah I don't know I'd like a maybe like a brand new actor I think someone you've not seen before like a young Tom Holland you know without the I mean look Alan Carr's just had his that's true yeah you should fucking write are you writing something I'm always writing something would you ever I don't know I mean I've sort of mined my life and career quite a lot for stand up but there is definitely something in it.

27:55I'm sort of chatting to somebody about a sitcom at the moment whether there's something not necessarily going back to my childhood but sort of definitely there's definitely enough in there because I've used so much of it in stand-up so I know it's fun and interesting and stuff so maybe one day. Back to the opening so did it go well enough for your dad to go back? Yes my dad was fine. What actually happened was about two weeks maybe about a week earlier I'd actually been mugged in coming home from college. I was walking home with this girl and these guys had jumped out and we'd sort of been rehearsing for some play and as we're walking back, these guys had jumped out and sort of mugged us.

28:33And anyway, that night when I was doing the gig, I still had a bit of a black eye and a thick lip. Oh, wow. Was that quite good, do you think, for the lip? Well, yeah. Well, yeah. I think what happened was about a couple of minutes in, somebody heckled me at my very first gig. They said, what happened to your face? And I said, oh, I got mugged and they laughed. you know because in comedy there's a very fine line between comedy and tragedy you know tragedy can they sort of say it's you know tragedy plus time you know is is comedy so um so i sort of told them the story of what what had happened where i sort of and i remember at the time even sort of there was a little moment that i thought was quite funny even in the moment of being mugged i thought if i survive this this will be a funny anecdote right which was i'd said to this guy this guy said to me give me your money or we'll beat you up and I obviously given those options gave him what little money I had in my pockets and then he beat me up anyway and it was afterwards I remember thinking I'm actually more annoyed that he'd broken our verbal agreement like we that was a there's a there's a code you know what I mean and he broke it yeah and uh yeah honor amongst thieves wasn't any so that was the sort of uh angle on the story and uh and that actually became one of my first sort of routines then about what you know being mugged and stuff i used then later on you know sort of six years later on live at the apollo and various other things so did you so after that were you invited back to do it and then that was just the start of comedy pretty much Thank you.

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31:19Have you had a thought about your last supper? Oh, yeah. So what is it? Starter, main, dessert? Drink of choice. Well, I think, would it be Vimto? Well, I think Vimto in a restaurant, maybe. No, this is an imagining restaurant. It's anything you desire, you get. I think I'm a bit obsessed with Coke Zero. I just drink Coke Zero all the time. Do you? Yeah, like all the time. That would be your drink. Yeah, and it's a bit boring, isn't it, really? But I do try. I've got some of that, too. You're like the perfect host. Yeah, I do like a fizzy drink. and then, or if I'm on holiday, I'm like, I just, I never, I never drank beer and wine I always feel looks nicer than it tastes.

32:10Um, so I always find it a bit sort of sharper and, and like I said, beer, I never got at all. So I went on a stag do last year and when I, um, and they start at like half 10, 11 o 'clock, like, you know, come down by the pool and there was just like 16 pints of lager and then just one pina colada in the middle. I was like, that's mine. So I'm like... Like a girl boy. Yeah, I love a cocktail. I always say, you know when a barman says, what sort of cocktail? I say, imagine a seven-year-old was allowed in here. What would they have? That's my palate when it comes to drinks. So it's like lots of grenadine in there.

32:46Yeah, or like chocolatey sort of bailey type sort of things. Yeah, I love all that. Okay, what about food? Where are we going for the starter? I'm trying to think what my, like, if I see it on the menu, I definitely have it. I tell you what, I can't be bothered with at all. When you order prawns and then you've got to do some of the work. You don't want to. I hate that. I think I may as well put a bloody chef's out on here. I'm getting the apron. I don't mind. I can't not be bothered. Are you thinking about a prawn cocktail? Like, I love a prawn cocktail. But you don't, you want the small little prawns.

33:18But it has to be, yeah, or you do it. It has to be done. You do it and then I'll eat it. Like, I'm not getting all that. Then they bring a little. Yeah, I am a bit, yeah. they bring the bowl out to wash your hands I'm like no I know and you've got fishy fingers and it's come on not into that no fair enough are you going for a shelled prawn cocktail as your starter is that what we're going for or am I putting words in your mouth mmm then I do like I do like a little a little parfait as well actually a little duck and you know bit of delish you know a couple of crackers yeah love that a little melba toast yeah that's nice as well a little chutney mmm yeah like that yeah caramelised onion I think that might be the one actually okay yeah because I did one of my most popular posts you know they sort of rate how many views it got was I posted about a ploughman's lunch in Kent when we were down in Kent because it was like 20 quid this ploughman's lunch which well you would expect so but she's quite as expensive I just thought it just wasn't it wasn't cut it they'd not even cut the apple I was like come on now what's this?

34:26So I sort of did a little it was like a jokey post about it but people are very passionate about Ploughman Ploughman, yeah very passionate about their food Did the establishment that you were in reply? No, I kept them very anonymous so they just in case you know and actually I'm glad I did in the end but then again I went back recently to somewhere else in Kent and theirs was cracking and so I did give them a shout out but I try not to if anyone if it's negative I try and keep it anonymous Crusty bread with the Ploughmans More like a crusty bread, yeah. Let's go on to your mains. What would be the main?

34:59I love pasta. So a good, you know, a classic sort of carbonara, something like that would be a good one for me. I'm not a big fan of, you know, your sort of meat and two veg sort of, like I'm not a fan of the Sunday roasting. You're joking. I know people, that's exactly the reaction I get. People can't believe it. I would have thought you'd be the face of Sunday roasting. And basically the same as the England manager not singing the national anthem. When you say you're not on a Sunday roast, they're like, what a traitor. I know, I feel it. The Queen would have been livid. It is treacherous. So what, would you go for an Italian on a Sunday instead of much?

35:37Even at Christmas dinner, we've gone for an Indian on Christmas dinner. Oh. I just think, like, I just don't get it. I just don't get the Sunday dinner. So people do that food and they go, yeah, you're not on my one, that's why. But I have had lots of different ones. We had a lovely chef called Tommy Banks. We must. And I said, I never think Sunday roasts are very good out. Yeah. I just think that, like, we can do it better. And he was like, you need to come to my restaurant. But, yeah, I won't be inviting you as my classmate. No, I just... Why don't you like it? A bit blander, I think. A bit blander.

36:09Panned. You know, when you think about... Oh, you've never had my Sunday. Yeah, I don't know. Roast potatoes are the most delicious... I'm not bothered about roast potatoes. You already are. Deep rice or pasta over potatoes anyway. No, you're already starting to pick it apart, you see. A roast potato, crispy on the outside and fluffy in the middle. And a nice gravy. Gravy. I'd take gravy, yeah. Of course, I love gravy. And a Yorkshire pudding. No. They're all right. It's not fast. It's not fast. It's not fast. Do you not like it? This is nicer than a Sunday night. Do you like it? Yeah, it's delicious.

36:42Absolutely delicious. So maybe I'd go with that or... Carbonara. I'll tell you what I do like, if I am, because you can't be bothered making it at home, is a Beef Wellington. Oh, I think that's lovely. You can't be asked, if you're out and they're doing it proper. Oh, yeah. I think M &S do them at Christmas ready-made. Well, maybe that's what you'll do this year. Maybe that's what I'll do. I do still have a Sunday. I'm not like a... But I do find the beef well into it is so clever because if they do it right and the meat is still pink in the middle, yet the shell is crispy. You have to sear it before you put it all together.

37:19Ah. It's really... Yeah, like a savoury baked Alaska. Yeah, a savoury baked rice. How's it done? It's magic. Are you a sweets person? Oh yeah, of course, Toad Zero and Vimto. Sorry that's got no sugar in. No, that's fine. I don't mind at all. Yeah, like to a ridiculous level, like to the point where you go, ah, Fulton burst in dessert menu, sir. Yeah, yeah. Have a look. And tiramisu would be your thing. I love a tiramisu if that's on the menu. Or if you're in like a classic sort of English pub or something and they do, you know, like a... Bread and butter. Yeah, bread and butter pudding. Sticky toffee.

37:56I love that. Even an apple pie and custard. Yeah, I love that. Anything like that. Any sort of classic dessert. I've got a plum shortcake for dessert. Oh, my God, yes. With cream. Yes. With cream, yeah. Perfect. I mean, and yeah, anything like that. I'm a big fan of flavoured ice creams. And yeah, I think there's very rarely a pudding that I don't know. I made creme brulee. Thank you. That was delicious. Thank you, Mum. I'll get this. Hold on. Right. Oh, wow. This looks delicious, Mum. Well, I don't know. Do you like a cheese board at the end of the day? Yeah, I do. I took my parents and family out to a really lovely restaurant in Manchester many years ago.

38:37What's it called? It was like Grill on the Alley or something like that. It was like really lovely. It's a city centre. Did a really good steak and Wagyu beef. You know what? Right, yeah. One of those jobbies. and I remember my little brother was like 14 at the time and so we'd had this three course meal and wine and then the guy came and the cheese board was so posh that it was on a tray that was on wheels and they sort of brought it and they showed you the cheese that they were going to cut from and my dad was like just cheddar for me please you know a very simple man and my brother who's a bit my next brother along he used to be a chef so he's like a bit more like into his different tastes and then my little brother was about 13, 14 and he went in a posh accent no one had ever heard him do before and he went, do you have a cheese string?

39:30You're like, cheese string? Oh no, bless him. Oh lovely, thank you, yes. So your brother was a chef? Or is a chef? He's had loads of jobs, my brother. He's one of them. He's a food tech teacher now. Oh wow. Yeah. In Manchester? Yeah, but he makes the kids call him chef. Yes chef. Like the bear. You don't do that. Yes, yes. All these little scally kids in South Manchester. That's brilliant. I respect it. That's brilliant. Is there a kind of camaraderie amongst comedians? So would you support other comedians? Would you go and watch them? Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. So who's your favourite comedian?

40:06I mean, Peter Kay was always my hero, you know, growing up. And then I'd watch, you know, I was in Scotland last year and I went to see Kevin Bridges doing a warm-up gig and Scott Bennett is a sort of a newer comic and Emmanuel Sanubi and like mates of mine who I was on the circuit with, like John Bishop. Love, we've had John Bishop. He's the nicest man. Such a lovely man, yeah. Sarah Millican, have you had Sarah yet? No. She's a great chap. No, I'd love to. Sarah Pascoe. Have I? I had her. Sarah Keyworth. They're all called Sarahs, I don't know why. But yeah, loads of, I just, I love comedy. So I still, and I've, you know, sort of set up a comedy club company as well.

40:44So we've got like 30 comedy clubs across the country. That's amazing. Yeah, it was. Well, because the. What's it called? Just Manford's Comedy Club. All right, fair enough. So nothing particularly. Should have done my research. Sorry about that. No, it's fine. Nothing particularly groundbreaking. But it was more of a, you know, at that time where I was starting stand-up, there was, you didn't know what gig you were turning up to. You could be at a lovely small theatre where everyone was volunteers and really excited to see you at a brilliant backstage and you get paid on the night and all those.

41:11or you could be working for, you turn up and there's like an upturned crate in the middle of a restaurant, no microphone and didn't get paid at all. So there was no industry standard. So once I sort of started to get a name and I thought, actually there's a world here where we could sort of maybe force an industry standard onto a lot of the clubs by treating, you know. The great thing about stand-up comedy is everyone is there to have a great time. No one is thinking, there's no negative. The audience, the acts and the promoter, All of you just want a great full night of comedy. So I guess it was one of those things of like you get into a certain level and I guess there's two choices, isn't it?

41:49You can either pull the ladder up and go, I'm all right, or you can leave it down and go, right, can anything I do influence and help other people who are coming through this system? Because it's already set against you. And it's a hard industry for everybody. So we have, I think we have 30 nights now across the country and they do really well. That's amazing. Yeah, nice mixed bills. Some of my sound people or crew, they'll go off and do work with comedians. They say that their schedules for comedians is relentless. I don't know. I mean, just because I guess you can, if you choose, do seven nights in a row, if you wanted to.

42:30Yeah, yeah. Well, certainly when you're on the arena tour, those buildings, because all you're doing there, as you know, is just hiring a big barn and then you've got to put the sound and lights and stage and everything inside it. So you have to do six, seven nights a week to make it worth it. But what's more exhausting, doing musical theatre or doing a tour? Musical theatre. Really? Oh, my God. Yeah. Because stand-up, once the tour's up and running and it's going and I'm surrounded by good people who know what they're doing, most of the time I don't even go for a sound check now because I just go, you know what to do.

43:02You know what my best. And I'm only talking, so I don't need fallbacks and all that stuff. Do you ever sing? I don't really I mean we did we did Assembly Bangers on the last tour which was which was it was just the back of the back of lockdown I'd sort of said what what a lovely way to start the day when you're at primary school and you sing all these songs and you used to make me cry on the did you do the Zooms where they do oh yeah yeah I'd cry I know they'd be doing Bob Marley don't worry three little birds don't worry about a thing everything's going to be right and I was like that with like 200 kids So I just get the audience to sing, you know, Whole World in His Hands and This Little Light of Mine and stuff.

43:42And then I sort of jokingly said, you know, isn't it weird that no DJ has, like, remixed it into, like, a club anthem because the audience already know the words to a song, which is the hardest bit as a singer, I imagine, is getting a catchy hook, you know, that people. So I ended up getting a DJ friend of mine to just turn it into this, like, club anthem. And it was so fun. It was so fun. It was actually a brilliant way to end the show. which I'm slightly missing on this one. I'm a bit like, I'll never get anything. What are you going to end with? I mean, in the traditional, probably. Thank you, good night.

44:15That's the beauty of stand-up. You can just leave it on a big lap. Do you go to comedy? I never go to comedy. I find comedy really difficult. I do as well. Live comedy. I just find it very stressful to be made to laugh if I'm not going to laugh. Yeah. You don't have to laugh. Of course you fucking do it. You're paid to try and have a laugh. Don't. I had a fella fall asleep. You had a fella fall asleep? This weekend in Tenerife. You're joking. I posted it on, let me show you. Oh, that's, he fell asleep. No, to be fair, he was absolutely hammered. Oh, right. He was hammered. He fell asleep? I would have gone and woken him up.

44:45Well, I tried, but he was absolutely, where is he? He was with all his mates, and as I came out onto stage, I was halfway through the opening bit, and a fella said, oh, I made you sleep, and he was, like, crashed out. And I thought, gosh, I said, what, he was a labourer. I said, well, he's probably knackered. I said, he's paid 30 quid. I'm like, you can do what you want. Once he's bought a ticket, I don't bother. It's up to you, isn't it? But he slept through the whole thing. The whole thing. Like 45 minutes. I even did the rave, the assembly banger's rave. Nothing. So in the end, I went and had a little selfie with him.

45:18Oh, my God, that's brilliant. Just went out on his... Oh, my God. Brilliant. You say you're a man of gadgets. What would be the kitchen utensil you could... If your house was on fire, what would you leave with? What would I have to go back for? A condiment or something and a utensil. I think the... I've got a brilliant can opener. I know they're not used as much these days because of the... Yeah. Tuna. For whatever reason, tuna are saying, we're not adapting. We're staying... We're staying classic. So true. They're not getting a tetra pack. Yeah, we're not. We've made our bed. We've made our tuna bed.

45:56It's probably about 10 years old. Probably, yeah. They'll last forever, yeah. So we've got... But we've got one just clicks on. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Would you like a bit more putt? I would. Would you? I would actually, yeah. Is that all right? Of course. It's really nice, this. Delicious. It's kind of like a... Is it a crumble? They called it a shortcake, but it's a crumble. Yeah, because it's got almonds in it. Where are the almonds? Oh, there's like a tart. Is that enough? Yeah, I can have more. And it deserves more cream. Thank you. And then what thing in the fridge or the larder would you be taking with you?

46:32apart from the tin of tuna I don't need a tuna now I'd look like a right idiot wouldn't I can't open it I don't need it oh your tuna's gone up in flames

46:43what would I get what would I have to get I don't know there is there's some there's some chocolate like in there like a you know when you get like a special box of chocolate that's that's in the cupboard not opened yet which chocolates are they it's those like you know those like seashell oh I love Gilead I love them why are they so nice Lidl do really good I know it's so good it's funny how those things that used to it's like Ferrero Rocher were like oh the ambassador now you're like you're a quid you're a quid at Lidl I still love this you should be spoiling that Ferrero Rocher still bangs yeah well what I'm saying is if you turned up at the ambassador's reception and they gave you one of those and they gave you a Ferrero Rocher that you can get in Lidl for a pound you'd be like what country is this ambassador from Do you ever sing karaoke?

47:33Oh, I love karaoke. I sort of did that all week. Jesse hates it. Oh, do you not like it? What's your song? I'll sort of go quite early on a Delilah. Oh, wow. Like a Delilah. Some of that the audience join in on. Oh, okay. That's what I'm trying to go for. I used to do a Sweet Caroline, but it's been taken over now. Yeah, I was going to say you were a Sweet Caroline guy. I can't do it now because of football. Any Oasis songs? Yeah, Don't Look Back in Anger. Yeah. I'll smash one of them out. Do you want to see them? Of course we do. Seminal moment. Seminal moment. Massive. Massive. I mean, I like the anthems and you can sing along and that's good.

48:09They've got some incredible songs. They've got banger after banger. And actually it hasn't aged badly. You know more songs than you think as well. And every song sounds like you could go on as... Like every song sounds so exciting and anthemic. Yeah. That in a stadium. What order are they going to do it in? Exactly. Like it's going to be mad, isn't it? Yeah. Are they going to start with the film? What will they finish with? They'll finish with it. Don't know. Because there's some that are obvious. We went to see Billy Joel in Sheffield about eight years ago. Me and Peter, actually. Me and Peter Kay went to see him.

48:37Oh, is he a friend of yours? Yeah, yeah. And Billy Joel is a friend of Peter's. How? Randomly. I don't know. But we went there. We were sat like second row. And all the way through, Billy Joel's like, I got Peter Kay here. And everyone's like, what? It was amazing. It was so random. But I remember we watched him, and he got to the end of the gig, and he'd done all the New York State of Mind and Always a Woman, all the classics, brilliant songs. Does he sing Uptown Girl? He comes on, he does Uptown Girl as his encore and we're like, oh, I'm so anxious. Then he finishes and there's a moment where you go, oh, he's not done Piano Man.

49:13So we're right in the middle of this arena, Sheffield Arena, and it's gone black and the noises start and everyone's like, he's missing a song here. He's not done Piano Man, the classic. and then there was like a spotlight on the centre of the stage and this piano that had not been there before is now there, like a silver piano. How exciting. And then right on the other side of the stage, Billy Joel, another bang, and it's a spotlight on him and then the stage just sort of floated together and they just came together and they got really close. And you know when the audience are quiet, like imagine 30 ,000 people, 20 ,000 people silent in anticipation and it just got closer and closer and tingled.

49:55like people's like tears in their eyes like tingles on them and as it got closer and he like he gave the piano a kiss and we were like oh my god he's gonna do it and then he just before he started a woman behind me just went do piano man like literally me and people are oh shut up what do you think he's gonna do you dickhead

50:18really ruined that moment for us oh my god um jason before we let you go yes what is a very nostalgic taste for you that can transport you back somewhere that's a good question i think it's got to be like a bourbon biscuit you know the chocolate bourbon i wouldn't choose them no well why would you have that i He was obviously given them by his dear grandma or something like that. Yeah, so my auntie used to work at the McVitie's factory in Manchester, just on the A6 there. And so what we would get is a bag of broken biscuits. Yeah, big blue bag of broken biscuits. Every sort of fortnight would come and just full of all these brilliant different biscuits.

51:01And like to a point where I think I was like 12 before I realised what a penguin biscuit looked like. I was like, I've never seen a full one. A penguin is a bourbon covered in chocolate. That is a myth. You think? I'm afraid so, yeah. Well, tell me. I saw the same TikTok video. Go on, tell me. Then a guy went and disproved it. And what is it? A penguin. It's a penguin. Who are you following on TikTok? Same people. Penguin. Penguin enthusiasts. I thought of that. I didn't. Jason Manford, thank you so much for being on. Pleasure. Thanks for feeding me. It's been so nice to meet you. So lovely. That was absolutely great.

51:36And maybe you will get me into comedy. I'd like to come to yours and have a good night. Can we come? What I'll say is, I know you say there's pressure to laugh, but there should be enough other people laughing that it doesn't matter if you're not. That's quite infectious as well, isn't it? Yeah, people laughing and you're with the good people. Every so often someone tickles you, that's fine. Smiling's enough. So which London gigs are you doing? We're at the Palladium. Oh, wow. Lovely. Perfect comedy, sort of vaudeville theatre where they're just so close. And Bruce is underneath as well. he's got his ashes underneath the stage his ashes underneath Bruce Forsyth I didn't know that you've got and Des O 'Connor I thought everybody knew that and a few weeks after it happened I'd done a TV show with Bruce not long before he died and so when I did the Palladium I said to the audience I said thanks so much I said it means so much for me as well because I did a show here with Bruce Forsyth only a few months ago and now he's no longer with us and I know that he'll be down there looking up at us Oh, my God.

52:40I know, and I thought, it's only when I got off stage, I thought, oh, they don't know he's down there. Like, now it looks like I've just gone, because we know where he ended up. Oh, down there? Yeah, exactly, it sounded pretty dark, yeah. Oh, my God, that's brilliant. Well, where would you like your ashes? Don't want to be morbid or anything. I'm not bothered, really. Just somewhere cheap. City, it's not Main Road anymore, is it? No, no, Etihad, yeah. Etihad. No, I don't think so. That seems, I don't think I'd do it there. I think just somewhere cheap and chiv. I don't want anyone spending a lot of money on it, you know what I mean?

53:08and also somewhere that people don't have to go because I've got an Irish family all of them get buried and you still have to go and have a stone and everything and have a moment where you're like just surrounded by other dead people so I just think somewhere they can just just in the world, it doesn't matter does it anyway this has got different thank you so much pleasure

53:47Oh, what a lovely guy. Gorgeous. Loved him. Taller than you would imagine. Pleasantly surprised were you, Lenny? Gorgeous for a Man City supporter. Tall, nice. Warm. Really nice. Really funny. And I will be going to his Palladium show in London. He likes a cheeky vimpter. Well, not even a cheeky vimpter. A normal one. No. Nice guy. I loved hearing about all the stories. What an amazing story. Growing up and starting and getting his first break, it feels like the kind of beginning of a new Netflix show, doesn't it? Thank you, Jason Manford, for coming on. And we will see you next week for more Tableman.

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