Second Helpings - Alan Carr

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0:35Hello and welcome to Table Manners Second Helpings. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here with my mum Lenny and we are bringing you some of our wonderful guests from early seasons of Table Manners. We've been going for six years nearly and this one is from season three. It was July 2018. It was a hot day and an even hotter day when Alan Carr walked through that door. Mum, a memorable one. Memorable, and I don't know that I'd ever laughed as much that I couldn't barely breathe and barely eat. He was so funny. We cackled. But to be honest, I've just been in Greece with Alan Carr shooting a new TV show, Mamma Mia, I Have a Dream, that's coming out in the autumn.

1:21Well, you're now best friends. We are. And you know what? Alan is... I knew Alan through different people, mutual friends. He's never changed. He is so brilliant and he continues to be the most hilarious person. And I feel so lucky that I got to spend a whole month with him. We had such a hoot. Darling, do you know what? When I saw Alan in Corfu this time, he said he remembered my lemon curd roulade. See, I had forgotten it. He said it was one of the most memorable things he's ever eaten. Oh my God, Mum, you're one of his kind of Proustian memories now. I know. That lemon curd roulade, which shout out to Anne Sweeney, because I feel like she was the instigator of that.

2:04Absolutely, my friend Anne. We made lamb with an almond sauce, a Yotam Ottolenghi recipe, couscous and a lemon curd roulade. Lenny had just had her veneers fixed. There's a theme here. This is something that's a thread through this Table Man of Second Helpings episode. We talk about also Mexico and Argentina, obviously loving travelling. And this was before he had his brilliant podcast, Life's a Beach. so it makes total sense why he went and did that podcast Alan Carr on Table Manor's second helping is coming up now be prepared to laugh

2:54hi hi I'm not even going to laugh. Hi. I've never come south of the river. You don't have black bags, do you? Come on. I hear you like Malbec. Yeah, love it. You've got a bloody town. Do you want something cool first, like a rosie? Yeah, well, no, I am driving at the other end of the train journey. You know, I live in Sussex. I come up from Sussex. Sussex? No. I've got a farm in Sussex. I've got my contact lenses out. Yeah. A farm? Yeah. Do you have animals? Yeah. loads of them. I'm joking. 22 sheep, three cows, two horses, seven alpacas, two pygmy goats, two angora goats. Yeah. I just, I did not know that you're a farmer now.

3:39No, I'm not a farmer, Bob. We just reown stuff. But do you like produce milk and eggs? No, no, we don't do anything. Even the alpaca wall just sits there. But you could have like a farm shop, the car farm shop. Well, I bumped into Chrissie Hynde, you know. Did you? This is how little I know. What do you mean you bumped into? The vegetarian. Yes the militant. Yes. Yes. Well I said oh I've got three cows and then she went can I take your details so she took my details and then I realised they're bulls. So she was like I mean I'd try and milk one of those and then. Why don't you tell that bit? I know you've just got one big udder.

4:17do they have udders no no but the thing is once they start sucking on the teeth they then start sucking each other off and then people are thinking you know pets are their owners who is sucking who off the two cows why do they do that because they're so sucking on the teeth they love it honestly it gives you so much power and their eyes are rolling back in their head And then of course when you take the teat away They just go I need something to suck on I mean you can imagine some farmhands You know in the countryside Might get a bit disgusting But I'm not like that National treasure and all that So Well we're in with the bank Thank you Alan Carr for being here And schlepping all the way from Sussex I know I know I wouldn't miss it for the world Thank you for having me Why did you decide on Sussex?

5:13Well it's my partner's farm Oh. You see, I'm a townie, he's a farmer, you see. Oh, really? Yeah, so I'm like city boy. So you've made a sacrifice. Yeah, I have. For love. But we have the best time, because of course we have the, I live in London, and then we go down there, so we have the best of both worlds. How long have you been there for? Five years. Oh my God. Yeah, I've been with him for ten, and then he's sort of always been involved in horses and riding and stuff like that, and we both love animals, and then we, yeah, it's the most useless farm ever. but I love it and you know it's the most relaxing thing ever really with that many animals yeah do you have like people helping you we've got a man who lives in a cabin on the farm he else oh my god amazing that's like I mean okay so my husband wants to do the move to the countryside and I'm too much of a townie yeah so did you like ease your way into it well listen I go down there I enjoy it and then like you're ready three days in I'm gagging for espresso martini do you know what I mean and he like you know and he I have to sometimes drag him up to London he hates London but you know I just want to see him in trousers that haven't got an elasticated waist and smelling of shit I mean you just smell of shit that's all you do and it's all death and then the stupid sheep you go into the you go into the field and they run off you come back in wearing the same outfit holding a bucket they run towards you They're terribly bright, aren't they?

6:45And do you know what? When we got the cows, because I can't eat... You've got lamb. I can eat lamb. I can eat lamb's fine. But you know what? When you said... No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. But when we had the lambs, I was like, oh, put me off lamb. But cows are thick as shit. I thought, oh, my God, I'll never eat a burger again or have mince. Pigs are too bright, isn't it? I know. But you see the neighbours. I can't start. It's only a small farm. I can't have, like, a load of bees. Excuse me. Does your partner wear Crocs? Yes. I knew it. loves crocs. They love crocs, the country people. But the thing is, I sometimes pop his crocs on because I'm lazy to go and like muck out.

7:24Don't let standards drop. Well, listen, love, you know the holes in them. You're treading cow shit and that goes in the holes. So then you're sort of making shit tagliatelle because it's just sort of moulded out. Just where you're hunters. I mean, so you know, even in this kind of weather, you're like, oh, can't be, you know, I'm getting to that age where bending down to put wellies on and I'm not born to wear wellies. But then I've learnt my lesson and then, you know, you get like cow shit in between your toes when you're wearing Birkenstocks. Alan, can I just say something? You look so young.

7:55You're joking. No. I haven't got my glasses on. Oh, don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Your skin is beautiful. Your skin is good. You look gorgeous. You look much younger than I thought. Everyone says that. Everyone says that. But do you know, when I was up until 22, I had psoriasis, you know, all over, you know, singing, singing detective. And I wonder whether, because you know, your skin just regenerates quicker when you've got psoriasis. It's been like a peel. Yeah, I think it is. I mean, the first half of my life, it looked like I'd been dipped in Alpen. It was so flaky. And then you'll be in your mini and you'll put like the old blower on.

8:32It's like a snow globe. But, um. So, Hobbin, did, like, like you've got dewy skin, like it's glowy, it's dewy. Oh, that's very sad. And I don't put anything on it. So when did it go? Not, nothing. It just went, well, you know the old Greek thing? You know your body changes every seven years? No, I don't know this. Oh, my God, your ears change shape every seven years. I didn't know that. The Greeks say, and your whole, everything changes. You rejuvenate every seven years, and it stopped when I was 21. What do you mean you rejuvenate? When I started getting migraines at 14, and then it all sort of goes in within the sevens for me, and then the psoriasis just stopped at 21.

9:09Oh, so it's a seven-year cycle. Yeah, I think it's a seven-year cycle, but you change. And I feel I've changed every seven years. So what happened at 28? I got gangrene. No. I'm trying to figure out an illness that would be quite politically correct. No, it's just funny, isn't it? Seven years for me. You look gorgeous. Oh, that's very sweet. Really handsome. Can we talk about the wedding at all? Of course you can. Because I feel like everyone kind of knows about the wedding. Yes. Was that a bit of an accident or was it just kind of like? Well, we had. I'm sure we'd love to know more. Yes, of course.

9:47But the thing is, I just don't want to get into the, well, all I talk about is the Dale. But I mean, we told her, no, I know, I know. We told her we're going to get married. And she went, oh, my God, I want to do the special day. I said, OK, OK, that's fine. And she went, and I also want to marry you. I said, oh, my God. I said, you really don't have to do that. She went, no, I am, I am. You know what she's like. She reminds me of one of my sheep. And so, yeah, we had it in her back garden. In Los Angeles? In Los Angeles. How many people came? Me, her, a partner, and two of our friends who lived down the road there.

10:25Oh, it was really intimate. Really intimate. Pink's guitarist and then a blackened singer, Claire, who's a gorgeous singer. She sings with Tina Turner and Taylor Swift and everything. and so it was just magical and we went there and she'd got a man playing a grand piano in her back garden this massive wall of roses fresh roses everything and it was just the best and then she just did the vows and then she sang our song and then the limo turns up outside we've just married on and we all get in there and then we go to this private jet and we fly to see Celine Dion Shut up! I know! In Vegas? Did you not know about any of this?

11:06No, I didn't know. And then she takes us to this Michelin-style restaurant in a private room. And I said, listen, I said, right, Adele, I'm paying for this now. I'm paying for this. Too late. I said, no, come on, come on. Let me pay for that. And she wouldn't have any. She's the most generous, loveliest person ever. And then, of course, as you know, I've drank and ate the whole day. You know, blotchy, typical like that. So even though I have got amazing skin, sometimes it does go blotchy. and so I'm like oh we're in this I was holding room backstage and then there's the Celine Dion merchandising so I think oh I can't wait to get the leggings on Celine Dion leggings she does leggings I get the hoodie on is she on the leggings yeah yeah yeah I got the hoodie got the hoodie and the hat on I'm like you're going way out yeah I'm like yeah yeah honeymoon here I come so I go oh I'm so relaxed so I've got all my suit and my carrier bag lovely I'm relaxed to watch this concert.

12:04And Adele goes, come on then, let's go and get in. And as we turn the corner, we go into this room, the curtain comes down. Celine Dion goes, I believe congratulations are in honour because that's what she sounds like, a Bond villain. And I went, oh my God, Adele, you never told me you were meeting her. And I am top to toe in Celine Dion merchandise. And you know when someone starts talking, you're like, hello, have you come far? I'm like, no, this isn't what it looks like. I have got married and I'm not a stalker or a mad fan. I mean, I look like proper bucket list, you know. Oh my God. This is my life.

12:37Make a wish. Yeah, I know. That's when he felt like, oh, I am a super fan. But she was so lovely. It was just the most amazing. What's your favourite Celine Dion song? Oh, I like all of her. What's the one? Oh, oh, oh, by myself. Don't wanna be. Yes. Yeah. And the note. That one. She hits the notes. Yeah, she hit. And she was spot on. You had a surprise wedding. that's kind of amazing you weren't in control of it at all no no and she did it all and you know she sat us down with a clipboard I'm like J-Lo in the wedding planner flowers tick tick she just did it all and you know it was yeah she's just the best I love her little bits have you been on your honeymoon yet yes we went to Mexico was it nice yes Cabo oh that's where mum went to Cabo it's not proper Jennifer Anston goes she likes her Cabo we went yeah Rancho Pescadero we went to.

13:33Oh. It was just about an hour away. Because Carbo itself, some of it is a bit... Oh, yeah. Spring break, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Especially down by the harbour. Yeah, by the harbour. It's like people... It's a bit like Magaluf down by the harbour. Oh, is it? It'll be like yards of drinks and things. Yeah. Yeah. Because all the people go on spring break from university. But the rest is beautiful coastline. Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it? It's all being built up now, so I wonder what it would be like. Because I have been to proper Mexico. Why is that not proper Mexico then? Well, it's resort. It's resort.

14:07Okay, got it. Still gorgeous and stuff, but I've done the old Mexico City, Oaxaca, Palenque, Tulum, and Isla Mejeres. I've been all there. Oh, me too. I love it there. It's great. Lovely, isn't it? Did you like Tulum? Well, no, I went in. So, what's holiday I've ever been? No, why? Did you get Montezuma's Revenge? Montezuma's Revenge. We all got that. Well, me and Hannah got that. I shat myself on an Inca ruin. Honest. Honest. It's unstoppable, really. I know, you can't. The shit. You can't not get it. Oh, you can't. And then we stayed at the Hotel Capri. It's as shit as it sounds. And they refused to give me more toilet paper.

14:47I know. No, no, no. I said, please. No. Plus no electricity. Oh. Mum was having to pay the baker to use the electricity for her curlers. For my curlers. I said, they told me they came and accosted me. Oh, shits and frizz. Shits and frizz. No frizz, just that. That's a good name of them. Shits and frizz. A biography, shits and frizz. They came and they said, take your plug out now. No. And I said, I'm a 64-year-old woman. I can't go around like this. And it was slightly depressing because the lighting is very dim. because it's all eco-LED. Everyone looks a bit miserable. Well, hold on. How long ago did you go to Tulum?

15:29Well, this is 1999. Oh, crikey. There was nothing. It got worse now. No, this is what I'm saying. My friend said to me, I want to get away. I said, we paid$2 for a hut on the beach. No, it's not like that. I know, love. You've got the sun rising over the Inca ruin. I said, it is the most majestic. Apparently now, it's all resorts and stuff. It's always all, and people doing yoga in bikini bodies. But you still can't get blue paper to shit with. No way. Even now. No, even now. It's all eco. You're only allowed two pieces. Yeah. And communal shitting rooms. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

16:07No. No. No. No. No. No.

16:17No. Anthropology or something. Funny you should say that. No.

16:24Anthropology? What did you do when you left school? Oh, worked in a cool centre. I did drama and theatre studies, but I had no range. I had no range. And so I was just on the bit where moving furniture around in a black body stocking in the break and selling programmes and painting, then wondering why you never got spotted. Hoping for the big part. I know, hoping some Hollywood producer. and it was at Middlesex, which has a good... Yeah. The acting course is brilliant, but the drama and theatre studies was rubbish. But have you done acting since? No, no. So how did you get into comedy? Isn't that the weird thing with stand-up?

16:59I did that film called Nativity, which is on every Christmas along with Carry On Camping, and I was the voice of seagull number one in SpongeBob SquarePants last year with Antonia Banderas. Perfect. I know. Say list. But isn't it funny how... if I'd studied acting, I would never have got that far. I would never have been in two feature films. I mean, crap parts, I get it. No, Seagull number one is really important. Better than Seagull number two and Seagull number three. And I had a song to sing, which I can't really remember. I know. And so I was really naive. They went, oh, you're performing with Antonio Bandera.

17:35Is he gorgeous? Well, of course, I turn up there with my Evita box set for him to sign. And the man went, obviously Antonio filmed his bit separately in LA. I'm like, of course he did. Of course. I'm like, oh shit. So I spent like half an afternoon going...

17:56Seagull number one. So how did you get into stand-up? Did everyone just say, you're really funny, Alan? Not everyone, that sounds... Not everyone said that. At school, people laughed at me, not with me. I was one of those kids. Oh, hello, like this. I never knew. I got the shock of my life and I can't describe it. It was like a punch in the stomach. I watched a video of me doing a performance on stage. Well, who's this person I saw? I was like, oh, hello. Hand on his ear. I was always doing the teapot. Oh, flapping around. Limp riff. Oh, shut up. I went, no wonder people are calling me Bender.

18:37I mean, because I didn't know No, I was like that. And then you watch it and you go... What do you mean you didn't know? I didn't know. Because, of course, I had the big old... I sat everyone down and said, look, Mum and Dad, there's something I've got to tell you. I'm not like other boys. You know when your Mum and Dad are mouthing it back to you? Oh, my God. So is that what happened? Yeah, there was no shock or surprise. Everyone was like, hmm. How old were you when you came out? Last year. Does your husband know? No, no. He's sitting down at the farm. He doesn't know. What stays on the month?

19:11Then I had a really crap job at Bartley Card in the call centre. I would have loved to have you on the end of my phone. I bet you were nice to people. I was nice. And if they weren't paying the thing, I used to, you know, because I used to override it for a month, you know, no interest. Really? You can do that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to go back there, am I? Well, I hope not. At least this podcast ruins my career. No, it won't. It will only enhance it. darling and yes I used to do that and then I just started telling people about working in a cool centre I said this is so funny and then my friend put me forward for this BBC New Comedian Year Award in Manchester 2001 and I ended up winning it at the Edinburgh Festival and then once you got that award then the next year I went back to Edinburgh Disney shows so yeah and it's all like that really it's all a bit of luck and a bit of hard work what are you doing now?

20:04what am I doing now? yeah got loads of things on the go I'm going to stand up tour next year really? arenas? no I did arenas I just I didn't like arenas I shouldn't think it's I feel like theatres would be so much more fun they're more me and I know it seems like oh you you know it was an itch I needed to scratch Michael McIntyre Lee Evans everyone was doing arenas so I did it you don't get anyone looking at you they're looking at the screen even people five deep in people don't realise that you're just getting a side I need the eye contact and also I feel my act is very gossipy, very chattily and I just feel it feels, it's not musical but it's got that vein in it, that condescending yourself up and those theatres, you know, I started my last tour in Margate and it's the second oldest theatre in England and it's just 1720 or something, 1730, one of those that old and you're just feeling.

21:02So when are you going on tour? Next year I'm at that really eggy stage of turning up unannounced at pubs and clubs. I mean, pubs that do stand-up, not just... You still do that? Hello, everyone, I've got a joke! Are you... Do you write your own jokes? Yes, yes. Oh, you do? How hard is that to do? No, it's not hard for him, because he's so funny. Oh, you are sweet. No! Because when you're just chatting and it's just flowing, is that different to when you go, right, okay I'm going to sit myself down and I'm going to think of a funny thing I can't even understand it never comes it comes when you're walking the dog it comes when you're putting the bins out you know you have your day right turning the phone off nine till five I'm going to write a new comedy show and you're just sucking on the end of a pencil then you start watching Bargain and Jeremy Kyle the next thing you know it's Sky at night please we're going to ask you something that's been a bone of contention oh Christ right Jessie watches that programme Love Island do you watch it?

22:04I didn't think you would I even have I have the the drink wow I think you're a classic guy I'm an idiot I bought this shit you bought it I bought three for my husband and my best mate and my husband will not anybody who's called Sam I'll send it to you because he won't fucking use it so yeah Sam Sam do you watch it? please say you don't last series I watched it intensely don't judge me I can't judge me and then I can't invest that much time in it so I haven't even bothered getting into this one. So you don't know who they are? No, I don't. I know Gemma because I've just been looking in the newspapers.

22:40That's just for you, Alan. I know.

22:45Mum, you say it so loudly. Offer some meat to him.

22:52Like, Alan, would you like some meat? I would love some meat. What would you like? Like, pinky or less pink? Whatever. Maybe less pink. Okay, I'm going to try and find you some. There's loads of less pink, darling, around here. Would you like to do it, backseat driver? Darling, I just know better than you. Oh, I'd just fucking do it then. Make sure you get the sauce, darling. Oh, my God, you're so annoyed. What was that podcast you were saying about the red wine? Someone was using it on Come Dine With Me to make the Jew. Oh, Chateau Nerve Tupac? Yeah, why would you do it? I was like you, honey, that is very extravagant.

23:28I know, it is, isn't it? Well, he was like, I don't think he won, actually. I don't think he was very good. I hope his jus, I'm sure his jus was good. But what gets me about Come Dine With Me, those people who go, well, I've never done it before, so I'm going to give it a try for you fucking idiots. Try it and taste it. Yeah. What would be your dish that you would serve to people then? Well, I can't cook. Oh, really? No, my other half is the most... I'm a winner then. Come on, darling. Do you want some lamb's lettuce? Mum, I have to say, you bitch about my presentation, but that's a shocking presentation.

23:57Was you a dinner lady? Oh, no. in her past life. There you go. Thank you. Oh, that's lovely. Right on the top there. Bit of garnish. So you wouldn't cook. You just don't cook. Well, do you see that controversial episode where the woman was getting the Indian takeaway put through her kitchen window? No, I haven't, but I kind of love and respect her for that. Yeah, she was really crap cook and then they were just delivering it through the window. Did she win? No, well, she had to be disqualified. One of the women came in Oh can I help you wash up And then she realised that there was no plates And nothing And then it still didn't But yeah I mean I am crap I mean I'm a very basic cook Very basic Is your husband He's the best He's a great cook He's one of those ones He opens the fridge There's an egg Half a pepper And a courgette And then da-da It's amazing That's the sort of husband you need I know love Or looking for one What Is it hard to find good restaurants in the local village that you're at?

24:59Or is it kind of, have you got some good ones? Well, it's all country pubs around there, you see. With food, though? They do put a bit more effort in these country pubs because people have to go there. You know, it's not like when I live in London, I just stagger around the corner, you know what I mean? Have you got a place in North London? Yeah, Bayswater. Oh, how lovely. But, you know, it's so touristy, the restaurants are rubbish. It's got good Chinese. Chinese, yes. Where? Royal China, isn't it? The Royal China, that's a Bayswater. Oh, is it? I haven't tried that one. But I find because it's so touristy, they don't give a shit.

25:30We have to acknowledge that basically we had Otolenghi, Yotam Otolenghi on last week. And we couldn't cook Otolenghi for him because it's Otolenghi. So we've done, this is an Otolenghi lamb dish. Mum, tell everyone what it is actually. It's lamb with almonds and orange blossom. But I actually, everyone... Where's the sort of from? Otolenghi. it's probably middle eastern yeah but someone warned me off putting too much orange blossom in right i waited at seven days for it to be delivered from amazon the orange blossom because i wasn't sure i was going to get it and actually i could have put a bit more in i think it would i think it's lovely it's delicious love don't start knocking it and then we've done a lamb's lettuce salad with broad beans and peas and then we've done a bejeweled um giant couscous salad really lovely.

26:24And what did he like, Otolenghi then? Did he like his own, obviously he likes his own stuff. We made him cook. You take the piss you two.

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27:16We ask everybody, it's a contentious issue, whether we call it the Last Supper or Desert Island meal. But what would be on your menu? Starter, I'd like a prawn cocktail. Oh, I like that. I like that. Who else did a prawn cocktail? Tracy Thorne from Everything That The Girl Did. Oh, right. She did a prawn cocktail, so you're in good company. And then what, my main, probably lasagna. Oh, lasagna. Any, like, secret thing in your lasagna that you like? Add it once and someone put Marmite in it. Oh, I get that. Yeah, yeah. And you've done that. And then I know it's not pronounced like that, but I call it tiramisu.

27:55I know it's tiramisu, but I like to call it tiramisu because like the dessert, I like to really drag it out. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. Yeah. I love tiramisu too. It's so good. And what would you drink with it? Tiramisu, sorry. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. And what would you drink with your meal? Malbec. I love it. I love a Malbec. One of my best holidays. Have you been to Argentina? Yeah. I went last year. Oh, I love it. Everyone is fit. Everyone is fit. Even the tramps. You're like, woof. You need to go to Israel. Everyone's fit there. Someone else said that to me. Judge Rinder told me that. The men are beyond beautiful.

28:39But Argentina, it's such fun. When they tango in the street. Tango in the street. The food is great. Except they overcook the meat. Well, you know what? is it sweetbreads? What's the ones with the testicles? They gave us that and I was like oh and this down in that you know all the cobbled streets we do the tango in I was like oh lovely and then I popped popped it in my napkin and then he saw it was gone so he gave me even more sweetbread I mean enough with the balls enough So you didn't even try it? I tried a bit but I mean it's like having balls in your mouth anyway

29:14We do a podcast about food and we serve food but I feel like you were the pioneer of being the host with the most with Chatty Man you used to offer a drink we wanted about the cocktails cocktails, now you are being polite because I was going to make you an Aperol Spritz tonight I don't know if you'd like that he's very good at cocktails well we wondered what you like well funny enough down on the farm we had a donkey that loved Aperol Spritz we didn't obviously have a sip of it but I was you know when you're a little bit pissed on a Saturday so I went down to like feed him and he'd rather have the apple spritz, he tried to put his tongue in me glass.

29:55You have an alcoholic donkey. Donkey, I know, I know so yeah I was like no this is for you, the bucket of feed, not the apple spritz. A bit of me was like I wonder what you get if you get a wonky donkey probably if it was a little bit pissed Can we ask because I love Chatty Man and it's not on anymore No, it's not coming back Oh, shut up. We're going to campaign. Oh, please do. We loved it. Did you feel like it had run its course? I do. You know, the thing is, I felt it had done its course. 18 series. Wow. 18. And with an exclusivity with Channel 4. I've never done anything with ITV, BBC or Sky.

30:37And so we called it a day. I did a couple of Christmas specials that went really well. but I've done I want to do something else I'm a Gemini I want to try something else I know people say that when anything ends but that is genuinely from the heart I mean I've had shows that are shy and they've been axed and I've gone yeah good you know but this one a bit sad but time to move on you're from Dorset yeah yeah someone's been on Wikipedia no I have because like I feel like you know you're not from Dorset yes I was born in Wainmouth Wainmouth bloody hell Because my dad's a football manager. Wherever he was manager, we'd go to.

31:18So was he Weymouth Rovers? What are they? Weymouth FC? Weymouth FC or something like that. So who else did he manage? Northampton, Blackpool, Kettering. So did you just have to go to lots of different schools? When you sound and look like me and turn up at different schools as an OO kid, it's a real joy. Alan where do you get your cat gutting and your quick wit from and they say it's had to survive yeah yeah have you got any brothers and sisters yeah one brother Gary and what does Gary do I don't know what he does is he a football no is he a football no he's a human is he into football I should have said oh gosh actually the first time I felt relaxed you felt a bit oh really oh thank god how long How long has it taken you to prepare this?

32:11Fucking all day. All right, love. Sorry, I wish I'd never come. You know what? If I just come down with me, you'd be getting one in that taxi. One. Well, she said all fucking day. The recipe is on fucking seat. I need to work on my hostess. No, it's sometimes... The food is delicious. You don't need to be. You can be like, you know in the Chinese restaurants where the staff are really rude to you and people go there. You could work there.

32:45This is delicious. Fuck you. Yeah, they are like that. They're all like that. You're like that. That's you, Jessica. What? Do you know why you're relaxed? What? Because you were watching Love Island while I was sweating. No, there was nothing relaxing about watching Love Island. You're going, these fucking imbeciles. Fucking hell. This. But it's just, they all look the same That's the trouble But the whole thing that was depressing was that 70 ,000, more people applied to Be on Big Brother than to go to Oxford or Cambridge I know That is depressing Jessie Well maybe those people that are applying They know they're not going to get into Oxford or Cambridge No, if they want to be Famous rather than earn money That's the problem To be honest, I'd rather have a six pack Than a motor board yeah I wouldn't mind being a pay three girl either you know someone wanted you this is awkward anyway someone have a word

33:46if you're a patron I'll be page seven fella

33:53what is like the worst table manner you feel like other people have I feel like you're like non-judgmental I feel like you wouldn't judge but like if you had to judge would it be something like my mum being like I took fucking all day doing this. That was pretty up there. But not as offensively. Not as offensively. As I say, you should rather be a page-free girl because now I've got an image in me and it's putting me off my food. That's so mean. I can feel that line coming up again. I was lovely in my day. No, you're lovely now, but page-free is a bit of a thing. No, not now, obviously. Oh, no, stop it.

34:27So what, do you think you've got any bad table manners? You haven't asked me what bad, bad... Okay. Yeah, mentioning page three is pretty bad. Then saying you've been working all, quote, fucking day. That's rude. Oh, don't say that, Adam. No. I'm taking it back so you can find something else. Phones, don't have your phone on the table. Leave it alone. And, um... That's not really... You only have to have one. Yeah, I'm just trying to look at what pisses me off. Quite a lot. There was a Roman emperor and, um... Anthropologist. I love this. No, no. I'm not just telling you. And they found him on these old scrolls, or papyrus or something, an emperor had complained about one of his people at the diners blowing his nose on a hanky and looking at the thing.

35:16And he said, this is bad, bang out of order. I'm paraphrasing. But I thought, isn't it funny that people still do this in Latin or in hieroglyphics? Yeah. Whatever they do. So I thought, isn't that funny that that happens then? Sandy Totswick said that she said blow your nose but not looking at it but putting your tissue the serviette that you've blown your nose in on the plate no no that is disgusting yeah at least my nan used to put it up her sleeve how old people do that don't they I do that oh okay is it really weird that I do that no you shouldn't do that I mean that's like well where else are you going to put it well put it in the bin you know you may need to use it again who wants a green sleeve Alan, have you got diamonds in your wedding ring?

36:03Well, little ones. Gorgeous. Little ones. Oh, don't you make it out I'm like Shirley Basley. No, it's fabulous. Gorgeous. It's fabulous. Do you think you'll have children? No. You've got cows and sheep. I mean, I've never even had that urge to have kids. You don't? No. I've got two Irish setters. That's enough, love. How old are they? Nine and six. You know, you start out going, oh, I don't want to be a stereotype, blah, blah, blah. You know, here I am, married to Paul, and we've got two female dogs, Bev and Joyce. Bev and Joyce. She does look like a Bev. Should we have some pudding? Yes. Oh, Mum's made a good pudding.

36:42Do you think we need to sprinkle it with icing sugar? I mean, yeah, if you want. I'm sure he won't mind if we don't. Oh, my God, that's amazing. Mum, this is really good. What is this? What's it called? It's a lemon curd roulade. Oh, lemon curd. Could you not taste it? Yeah. It's a bit chewy, the... But what makes it chewy? I like using lemon curd. Very retro. It is. Actually, a friend of mine makes it, and she makes her own lemon curd with lemons from Skopalos. And that's how it started. But I think it works really well with meringue. Mum used, judge, lemon curd. Yeah. No judgment. I didn't make my own lemon.

37:22It's not come down with me. I won't mark you down. You're already getting one. Did you watch that ever? Would you have a choice? I mean, it's on all the time. I mean, you're hungover on a Sunday. And you have to watch that. And then it's four in a bed, you know, where they're slagging off the B &Bs. Can I ask one more food thing? Growing up in your family, did your parents cook? What was like, what were you eating on the dinner table? It was very basic fare. Because, you know, I listened to some of the other podcasts, and when I was like, oh my God, they've got these amazing stories. My mum, it was just...

37:52Good food. Good food, you know. And then when, do you remember Cross and Blackwell, when they brought out those sachets, that was my mum being a bit, you know. Adventure. But that was the same for everybody. Yeah, it was all mum, big old shepherd's pie, big old lasagna. Like grub. Yeah, grub. I mean, it weren't, you know, nothing like, but delicious and lovely, and that was it, all tucking in. Would you have your mum's... Because my dad's a northern footballer, you know, he don't want, like, you know. He wants fuel. Yeah. Would you want your mum's lasagna recipe in your kind of desert island. I'm drunk, I'm actually...

38:27You can say this, but I've just tried to drink out of the microphone. You've done that. Thanks for passing me the right one. If it's gone a bit echoey, it's because it's in my mouth.

38:45Thank you so much for being on and making us laugh so much. Oh, well, thanks for having me. I mean, I had high expectations. I had listened to it, and it was like a real honour when I got asked so thank you very much. Oh my god, please. It's honour for us. We can make this like a seasonal thing. Yes. Can you come back? Let's do a Christmas one. Oh, now you're cooking. And can I just say good luck on your page-free career.

39:30thank you to alan carr for coming on the podcast way back when in july 2018 and thanks for listening i hope you're enjoying the second helpings email us hello at table manners podcast.com take care and we'll see you next week

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