A Freshly-Peeled Lease on Life with Trixie and Katya

8:56Trixie Mattel:Well, those of us who on a molecular level are living hoarders buried alive, we need to operate in a calorie deficit. Just get your nails done It's really funny to walk around And tell people you just get your nails done And you didn't They're still wet And they're dirty I literally brought this from home For you to try Okay so It kind of unrolls But it's good girl

9:18Katya Zamolodchikova:They're delicious Let their For the listeners on the 101 This looks like a sheet of dookies No it looks like condoms Like condoms when they used to come in the sheet It looks like shit condoms That they sell in Germany At the clubs It's all natural

9:29Trixie Mattel:RFK doesn't want us putting color in stuff

9:35Trixie Mattel:pretty good right I mean it's health food

9:39Katya Zamolodchikova:you don't like it I don't want to chew because they'll get mad at me oh the verdict

9:44Trixie Mattel:love it they're good right

9:46Katya Zamolodchikova:yeah I'll take half I'll take half of those I tried it last night it's body of Christ I just love it there could be um oh my god this could be so you could have a lot of fun with these lot of fun with these body of Christ. You could do communion role play. You could also do barely any sugars. Coins over the eyes. All natural.

10:11Trixie Mattel:All the ingredients are just fruit. Yeah. Anyway, you know, Thrive Market, I don't know. Not enough in here. Well, they're 50 calories. They're for people trying to, you know, kind of snack on the safe side. And, you know, for somebody like me, I'm going to be snacking. And so this is needle exchange. This is harm reduction. This is just anything to keep me off the straights. You know what I mean? Because when I take that edible and walk into my kitchen.

10:41Katya Zamolodchikova:It's a wrap.

10:43Trixie Mattel:It's I want the world. I want the whole world. He's got the whole kitchen in his mouth. It's Willy Wonka if it was Gene Wilder. And it was only one child. And that child was a fat cunt. That's me snacking. Okay.

10:59Katya Zamolodchikova:you don't make a lot of snackrifices in your life do you? Girl I be snackrificing left and right wait wait wait I gotta tell you about something I gotta tell you about something I gotta tell you about something that I love it's a movie have you seen Predator Badlands we didn't talk about this please tell me we didn't talk about this Predator Badlands Predator so Predator you're familiar with the Predator franchise oh

11:33Trixie Mattel:I'm trapped

11:35Katya Zamolodchikova:wait what did she say when she's like I'm empty inside I don't feel good oh yeah I don't feel good I'm empty inside I'm a husk I can't feel my hands yeah yeah oh it's like men are from Mars women are from whatever who cares okay um oh yeah men are from mars and women want their penis i don't um am i right i don't feel good or something that's what it is yes she's so damn good she's really again i'm gonna say it again i'm saying say it again if you haven't watched any of her specials go do it now especially road show just look it up on itunes or spotify or whatever and you will get your life she came to one of my shows in ireland or something it was my first show

12:20Trixie Mattel:back after COVID. Hadn't been in drag on stage since beginning of COVID. Because I didn't do car stand-up. Remember when all the comics were at the parking lots? Well, we saw that drag show. Do you know what I think it was probably like? It was probably like doing a show for like Stephen King, Christine. Like all these cars as people. Pixar cars. Do you know what I mean? I don't. The cars were the people in the audience. And like I think when there was laughter, they like flashed the lights or hung out the horns. I don't know what they did.

12:47Katya Zamolodchikova:They weren't on the roofs of the car? They were inside the car like a drive-in.

12:51Trixie Mattel:They were in the cars.

12:51Katya Zamolodchikova:No, that's not for me.

12:52Trixie Mattel:I'm not good. I've been to a drive-in. I went to a double feature of Silence of Lambs and then Red Dragon. Oh. And I saw Alaska there. This was like a few years ago. And I learned that sitting in a car wasn't for me.

13:08Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, it depends on what kind of car you got. Because we can sit at home. We sure can. But then you're part of an outside automotive community.

13:16Trixie Mattel:But we're not outside the car. and also is this pleasant villain we're necking?

13:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Who's jerking off? You gotta have someone to neck. You gotta have tons of snacks in the trunk. You gotta have like a huge bottle of whiskey and then you gotta like you gotta do some crime.

13:32Trixie Mattel:Right. And it was a huge line for food and that really is hard for me too.

13:36Katya Zamolodchikova:Mama, you can load up that trunk with snacks.

13:38Trixie Mattel:I wanna cut the line at any food place and turn to the whole line and go, I'm hungry.

13:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Like, if I don't eat, I'll die. Right.

13:44Trixie Mattel:Do you want blood in your hands? Mm-hmm. Went to my rheumatologist yesterday she goes, I gained a little weight and I hadn't.

13:51Katya Zamolodchikova:Remind me what rheumatology is again.

13:54Trixie Mattel:I think it's the study of immune systems. Oh, okay. I think. I don't know. It's not awful. I go to see her all the time, don't even know what she does. Autoimmune conditions. Like arthritis. She's like, you're putting a little weight? I was like...

14:15Katya Zamolodchikova:But she was like...

14:16Trixie Mattel:I feel like when you she was like, didn't you start out? She was like, you were like 170? And I was like, yeah, when I first came here, when I was very ill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then time has elapsed and I've gotten a little better. Yeah, now you look healthy. She didn't mean it shady. No, of course not. But my ears can't hear that. Right? What's the unalive version of that? Like, you don't say kill, just say unalive. So you're less light. So you blow up, you fatty.

14:40Katya Zamolodchikova:No. No, no, no. So you, oh, I see what you mean. So you're less small. No. What's like the euphemism? Oh, gosh. So, I don't know. It's like, so there were pounds that were added. So things are different now. Things are different now. Things are different now.

14:58Trixie Mattel:So experimenting with a different shape. Right.

15:01Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

15:02Trixie Mattel:You're kind of one of those suitcases where there's that second zipper where it can expand. That's me, baby.

15:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you know the Goodyear blimp? Yeah. That's kind of like you. It's like, no. Do you really feel? Well, I mean. No. No. I think you look great, but that doesn't.

15:15Trixie Mattel:Thank you. That's not what I was fishing for. That's all that matters. 2026. We're not going to have adversarial relationships with our own bodies. Get over it. Not get over it, but get over it. Get over it.

15:27Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, get over it. Stop the insanity. Get over it. Grease up a watermelon. Throw it in the pool. Save Mr. Dears. Okay, predators. Mary. What's going on? Andrew's best friend, Elle Fanning. so um this motherfucker this bitch this woman excuse me this lovely young lady she yanked this off so bad so the the movie takes place um it stars a predator so it's the first kind of like one of these movies that takes like the the main character is an actual predator he's not the villain so it starts off on the the predator's planet crazy things going on like the dad is trying to kill him and because they culled their weak so they fight and they, you know, if you're weak, you get killed.

16:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh yeah, vicious.

16:15Trixie Mattel:Is this like part of the Predator franchise? Okay, I watched the Native American one. Prey. I watched that.

16:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you love it? I loved it.

16:23Trixie Mattel:I loved it. I had no idea it was going to be a Predator movie.

16:26Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, me neither. This is the same director, I think. Could you look in the camera and say that you love Predator? I love Predators, especially the movies, not sexual. So anyways, Mary, the world building, the VFX, like, and Al Fanning plays a synthetic robot. Queen.

16:55I fucking love Al Fanning,

16:58Katya Zamolodchikova:though. Girl, Miss Fanning takes this role and she just wraps it around everybody's

17:04Trixie Mattel:testes until they turn blue and then she kicks them. I'm so fucking wet for her in Hunger Games. She's playing a young Effie Trinket.

17:11Katya Zamolodchikova:Fabulous. Well, get this. Why have one? Can you have two twice the price? She plays two synths in this one. Thea and Tessa. And one of them is the first one. She's only got half a body, a torso for most of the first part of the movie. And the Predator carries her around like a backpack. Cunty. Because she knows how to like he crash lands on this planet that is so fucking dangerous. Mary, it's so stressful. Every moment someone's trying to kill him. It's called Predator... How do I

17:40Trixie Mattel:look it up at home? Predator what? Predator Badlands. Badlands. Okay, I'm going to watch it. Mary,

17:44Katya Zamolodchikova:it is pulse-pounding action from start to finish, and I cried. Oh, great. Once we get into... Because Thea... So her name is Thea, the synth, and Elle Fanning is like, oh, you know, Tessa, she's going to come back for me. She's hoping she's not dead. But she gets reprogrammed, and she turns a little evil and ooh girl she like does the parent trap acting with herself thing and it's cunty.

18:08Trixie Mattel:I can't believe that. This is how you know I'm not a real actor. She's, what do you mean? Like when people play a twin and talk to themselves the way I could never. I can barely learn lines for one person. You absolutely could. You just do Swedish. Oh my god, one of my dreams. Remember when we were doing Tricks and Katya live, one of my dreams was to do a swap night where we do each other's parts.

18:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Could we try it right now? no I don't remember any of it

18:32Trixie Mattel:I don't think I do either we're doing a good job already hello killed it really killed it that's you welcome to the Trixie and Katya

18:46Katya Zamolodchikova:something spectacular then you get the card welcome to the poopy and the peepee it's sad we're has-beens

18:57Trixie Mattel:never worse they gotta keep us off the road I just listened to this pod, our pod today. And I was saying, I miss doing that tour. And everyone in this room booed me. We booed you out of the room. And I was in the car going, shut up. Like, I was like, what are you talking about? She's having a food. Faggot, sit in your chair, talk to your friend and go home. Faggot. Put your fucking lobster bib on and just crack those shells. The plastic lobster bibs. I say, let's get cracking. That's sick. And you know what they'd be calling crayfish? Mudbugs. Is that right? Mudbugs. Crawdads.

19:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Crawdad buds. I think in the South they call them mud bugs. That's disgusting. That is truly vile. Well, they should call them lobsters. They should call them water rats.

19:39Trixie Mattel:Do you like, even living in Boston, you didn't do like shrimp? Nope.

19:46Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't like any seafood.

19:47Trixie Mattel:Seafood is sick.

19:47Katya Zamolodchikova:I think seafood is mostly disgusting. I will fuck with a lovely prepared salmon though. And also,

19:53Trixie Mattel:how much of the world is water? Leave them alone. We don't need to be eating them. wait, is that xenophobic?

20:01Katya Zamolodchikova:It's not xenophobic. It's just that many cultures do rely on countries and stuff.

20:07Trixie Mattel:But also I'm a vegetarian. So I'm like, leave all the animals alone. Yeah. Eat the fruit leather.

20:12Katya Zamolodchikova:Give me those brown dots. Give me my brown dots.

20:15Trixie Mattel:Can I tell you, this is exact size and color of my nipples.

20:19Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm telling you, nipple covers, you want to avoid censorship? Under your brown dress, your sheer brown dress when you go to the Golden Globes?

20:28Trixie Mattel:Thank you. Oh my God. Yesterday we filmed a video for my YouTube channel where we look at all your drag looks from Drag Race. Really educational. Really fun. Did you get my little note? Yes, I did. I noticed this through line. Wait, didn't Alaska do something where she had words being spelled out on her? That was... On Drag Race? No.

20:50Katya Zamolodchikova:What do you mean? Wasn't she doing like one letter a day? Yes, yes. Yes, she was. Her name. Oh. Her name. Oh. Just in case you forget it. I don't know.

21:01Trixie Mattel:Right.

21:01Katya Zamolodchikova:She had a lot of, she was, yeah. Anyways.

21:03Trixie Mattel:Well, the truth is she's unforgettable. Who would forget Alaska?

21:08Katya Zamolodchikova:Certainly nobody who was on that season. I'll tell you that much. And also I was, when I was thinking about you doing that critique, I was like, oh man, I was like, what's my worst, what's my least favorite outfit? I was like, oh, there are some real stinkers. Yeah. It's like half and half.

21:23Trixie Mattel:We talked about it in the video. It's half and half. It's possible to critique this drag and really like that person's drag and like them and think they're amazing. We can talk about these clothes explicitly and that's okay. Of course. H &M Prairie dresses with black jelly sandals. Let's talk about it.

21:41Katya Zamolodchikova:That I love as a performance outfit. That wasn't a runway outfit. That was like a cherry blonde outfit. Yeah. I wouldn't count that as a look. I wouldn't count it as a look either. Honestly. I mean, the way that I was able to dodge so many bullets. Well, I mean, my future of drag, horrible. My Princess Diana, rotten.

22:03Trixie Mattel:And your final look, crazy.

22:04Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, just so bad. You know what I would have done? My future of drag, when if I had, oh, I really, really know what I would do. I really know what I would do, gal. I really know. Let's take a break.

22:26Trixie Mattel:Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by Hungry Root. I have to tell you, I think that I just watched that Susan Powder documentary and she said, don't eat foods that you can't pronounce. And I know that's maybe unrealistic, but it honestly inspired me to be like simpler, simpler, simpler, game changing, but simple. You know, I want to reach goals. I want to reduce stress. I want to save time, but can I do it in a healthy way? And I think I can with Hungry root. Hungry root plans all your meals for the week. It fills your cart, delivers everything you need to eat healthy every day while fitting in your goals, your dietary preferences, and your budget.

23:01Trixie Mattel:My favorite recipe I recently tried, I tried this veggie skillet with tofu. And you know, it took me a lot of years to get semi-good at tofu, but I will say every time I try a new recipe with tofu, I learn more and I take that information with me. Hungry root makes it incredibly easy to get going and actually stick with it if your New Year's resolution is to start fresh with healthy eating. I do feel like most resolutions die out at the top of the year, February, March, but Hungry Root makes it really easy to stay on track so you can get your goals going. And what if you dramatically kept them through February, March and beyond?

23:34Trixie Mattel:Who knows? I have to say, you guys know I'm not an imaginative eater. I'm not an adventurous eater, but as a vegetarian, sometimes you got to push yourself a little bit. And what I love about Hungry Root is there's going to be a few elements of a meal that I remember or recognize or I've tried before, but I'm going to get to try it in a new way. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as I do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first box, plus a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash bald and use the code bald. That's HungryRoot.com slash bald, code bald, and get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

24:07Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Friends, Romans, country days. Take a breath, look around this imaginary auditorium of beautiful, brilliant, perpetually single souls. I want you to hear this clearly and perhaps for the first time of your life. You are not broken. You are not behind and you are absolutely not alone. February, that month of manufactured capitalist love, can make it feel like everyone else cracked some secret code to love while you somehow missed the memo. There are flowers everywhere, candy hearts shouting nonsense in the aisles of CVS, stuffed animals with better dating prospects than half the people at my bingo slash speed dating night at the Knights of Columbus on Wilshire.

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26:28Trixie Mattel:when you do Canada vs. Kuwait or whatever they're doing now Laos vs. Bangladesh or like Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh Siberia vs. Paducah vs. the world Kamchatka vs. They need to rebrand that. We don't need to be encouraging international conflict in this year, 2026. Thank you very much. Why can't we work together? We're already doing USA versus the world.

26:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Thank you. In the world. Thank you. Thank you. How about USA plus the world? Inclusive. Thank you. How about USA loves the world? If you can't love the USA, how are you going to love the world?

27:02Trixie Mattel:Now drive that down to Fiorucci Boulevard. What was your favorite look of mine?

27:10Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, well, you have to watch the video and find out. I'm not going to watch it. I don't have a YouTube premium anymore.

27:14Trixie Mattel:Oh, I mean, there were some great ones. Honestly, Dear Read Your Vote You Look, I was like, this is peak Katya. It's like a lot of coverage. The body looks great. We could have been a little fuller, of course. Yeah, but after the Brooke Hogan wig, after seeing a black finger wave wig three times, I was just happy that we were kind of expanding up and outward.

27:34Katya Zamolodchikova:And those vanity laces sure did. oh man, that drag race lighting and those vanity laces. Oh yeah. But I really liked my I borrowed a lot of shit. I really liked my

27:50Katya Zamolodchikova:I know it's kind of casual for a look but like the 80s jacket with the shorts and the things for the stand-up comedy challenge. Oh yeah, I love that too. I thought it was really pretty.

27:59Trixie Mattel:The only thing I don't like was the necklace.

28:00Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, I don't remember the necklace.

28:01Trixie Mattel:I was like wearing long hair with a full collar with a necklace, we have no neck. I would have loved more of like just a...

28:08Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't remember the necklace. The necklace. The necklace! The only thing... Wait, one last thing. I love the Mugliar look. The only thing I really regret not doing is attaching the stirrups underneath.

28:22Trixie Mattel:Oh, sure.

28:23Katya Zamolodchikova:That was a big... That's all I see when I look at that look now. Oh. The baggy pants. Because they should be a little more... Not so baggy. You know what I mean? For the muggler. Yeah. For the muggler. God, I love that look. I felt so pussy. I knew it was so ugly. And RuPaul's like, this is so wrong. It's so ugly. It's great.

28:44Trixie Mattel:Anyways, enough about me. Enough about you. What kind of shirt you got on today? Oh, I just shoved a nuke up my pussy.

28:52Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Maybe a little too on the nose, considering current events. Oh. But listen, I volunteer as tribute. if we're going to go into World War III with nuclear weapons, shove one right up in this pussy. It could happen.

29:06Trixie Mattel:Are you watching Fallout? I already watched it. I watched it years ago. Well, it's season two now. So it's a series, and so it continues.

29:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Get the fuck out of here. Why did you tell me?

29:16Trixie Mattel:We're on like episode five.

29:18Katya Zamolodchikova:But I've been replaying. Wait,

29:23Katya Zamolodchikova:hold on. Tell me how does it begin? Because I know where it left off.

29:29Trixie Mattel:Okay. So it starts with those same people kind of continuing the story from season one. Okay. Can you be more specific? But they're going to New Vegas. Can you be more specific? They're going to New Vegas, which is like basically, spoiler, in the second season, they find out that like there was enough power in Vegas that when the bombs dropped, Vegas was protected. So the person who was rich enough to basically control Vegas protected Vegas. And Vegas is now like this thriving economy of like buildings still standing and stuff. and so they're going there because ultimately they're looking for the ghoul looking for his wife and his son or daughter daughter?

30:04Trixie Mattel:daughter yeah so I'm still not sure what's going to happen I mean I'm playing replaying Fallout 4 I've played it like three times and I've played New Vegas three times I played Fallout 6 12 times Fallout 3 twice but Fallout 4 is in Boston which I love

30:19Katya Zamolodchikova:oh really? it's so Boston get out of here there's a Boston Commons oh my god is there Public Gardens is there Bay Village Yes, all of it. Is there the Zaken Bridge?

30:27Trixie Mattel:Lexington.

30:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Lexington? Isn't there Lexington, Boston? That's a suburb. It's not Boston, but yeah.

30:32Trixie Mattel:Oh, yes. And some of it, it's like, let's say it's not the Wang Theater. It'll be like the Wing Theater. Like for copyright reasons, I think it's not the same thing. The Ernie Bonk Jr. Yeah. And the neighborhoods are all abbreviated, obviously, but like it looks so much like Boston. It's crazy. And I'm playing through it and I have a really hard time. I know that video games are fake. I know these people aren't real. but in any game where you could be bad or good, I can't be bad. I can't shoot and kill people. I'm always trying to minimize. I'm such a me in the game. I'm trying to like, can't we all just deescalate the situation where like,

31:07Katya Zamolodchikova:I feel like that's wonderful,

31:08Trixie Mattel:but I feel like you should play video games and be a whole new person. Like you could be really sweet in the real world and then be like,

31:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh yeah. Give me your exercise. All your, all your, my aggression. Yeah. You know, I do that in the car by running people over. Right. No, no, no. I mean that's a really good point do you think that it's I don't think I have a hard time

31:28Trixie Mattel:I like will turn off the game and feel bad about who I killed in the game what is that I don't think

31:32Katya Zamolodchikova:it's a very I don't think it's a probably my guess not an effective way to cope with aggression not a good outlet no

31:39Trixie Mattel:I mean I think for me it satiates the feeling of like finishing a game always feels like finishing a puzzle like I'm slowly putting something back in order I love that and in the game I forgot about this but in the beginning of the game there's no nuclear blast and then the bombs are coming so you run to a shelter you and your wife and your wife with your baby you go to your pods to go to sleep you can be the girl and have a husband but no gay because they have a baby how would they have a baby woke thanks woke back in my day it was me it was we and she what is it me and she it was we she and Kathy Lee none of this what does mistress call it?

32:21Trixie Mattel:None of this he, she, we, the, she. I don't know. He, she, they. Yeah, he, she, we, the, they, them vegetarians. That's what she says. So the game starts with you going into your sleep pod to wait for after the blast. Okay. And then you wake up early and your wife's pod gets snatched open. She gets shot point blank and they steal your baby. So the whole game is you trying to find your baby.

32:44Katya Zamolodchikova:My baby?

32:45Trixie Mattel:My baby. They shot my wife and took my baby? and one of the things they talk about in the game is took my baby so one of the factions right in these games is like all these different people you can help or not help or whatever this is an ethical question in the game synths which are like fake people not fake people robots that are so realistic that they don't even know that they're fake

33:09Katya Zamolodchikova:but they're not born

33:11Trixie Mattel:but they're synthetic people like built so real in the game it's like the ethics of like are these machines are they people do we have a right to

33:21Katya Zamolodchikova:like abduct them away their memory etc or these people they're not people i they're i guess i

33:27Trixie Mattel:would be some person who's like don't talk down to my air fryer i guess i like have too much well

33:32Katya Zamolodchikova:i don't think that i think that so for example if my mom and a synth are in a burning building I'm getting the synth but what if your mom's a synth? my mom is not a synth but in this world what if she is? okay so that's not possible in this world

33:49Trixie Mattel:what if you are? what if you found out you were? oh well then that's different would you want people to abduct you and wipe your brain or would you want would you feel like hey because I feel like I'm a person

34:00Katya Zamolodchikova:I have rights I thought you were talking about how we view the other as a synth but you're talking about if you become aware because these synths don't even, they're so realistic, they don't even know that they're robots. Well, then that's a whole, that's another fun, that's a conundrum.

34:15Trixie Mattel:Like people are getting abducted, let's say, by the institute it's called. They're abducting you because let's say they want to use your body for science. For sex.

34:24Katya Zamolodchikova:No.

34:25Trixie Mattel:And they replace you with a version of you so real that no one knows. And you yourself, the synth of you, thinks it's been you the whole time.

34:32Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like that Infinity Pool movie. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think, well, whatever, real or not, I'm not graping that synth. I'm not beating that synth up. I'm taking that synth to a nice steak dinner. Maybe I have to eat the whole thing. Maybe she doesn't eat anything. I'm getting some Martinelli's and we're going to go home and watch. She's going to get some Castro Sintec motor oil in a nice little martini glass and I'll have a virgin daiquiri and then, you know.

35:01Katya Zamolodchikova:You've got to watch Predator Badlands. I'm going to watch it. You've got to catch up on

35:05Trixie Mattel:Fallout then. Are you kidding me? I'm going to go fucking goon out to that shit tonight. Well, my arthritis has been really bad, so I've been playing real quick six to eight hours a night of video games probably. Real like a crazy person.

35:19Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait, wait, is that bad? I mean, I would imagine maybe like...

35:22Trixie Mattel:I mean, if I exercise first in the morning and I work all day, I'm like, who cares what I do? If you lay to watch TV for eight hours, no one would say anything. But if you play video games for eight hours, people act like you're crazy.

35:30Katya Zamolodchikova:I disagree. That's an active activity. I think it's... I think sometimes TV and movies is boring. I mean I agree I don't think video games are the same thing as TV at all because you're like literally actively you're playing a game you're not just and you're not on your phone you're not on your phone that's the one thing about video games that I really really really love you can't be on your phone and play a video game yeah I mean you could play a video game on your phone

35:59Trixie Mattel:I'm never on my phone honestly something bad happened to me where I just don't use phones anymore

36:06Katya Zamolodchikova:2026 is about not going on X anymore. And I'm not talking about Twitter because I'm finally reconciled the fact that it is X. Right. Because the past few days I've gone on there, these... Porn? No, no, no. The posts that I've seen are so... Targeted ads? No, no, no. It's just, it's either vile absurdity... Me. Like throbbing boner eroticism, you. No, no, no. It's just a bunch of shit. It makes me depressed. It's stupid. It's not like world events that keep me up to date. It's like shitty people doing shitty things, stupid people posting stupid crap, stuff that's not true, stuff that's outdated.

36:50Katya Zamolodchikova:It's all bullshit and it makes me so depressed.

36:54Trixie Mattel:And that's what I honestly have been kind of grappling with. You and I are tech... I mean, are we... Are we content creators? I guess we are. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am at least. But that's one of your jobs. But lately, I found it a lot easier if I was like on the internet all day to, I don't know, like lately I put the phone down, don't look at it all day.

37:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

37:21Trixie Mattel:Forget to post for days at a time. Don't post anything. I'm living life.

37:25Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. I don't want to know about the David Beckham, the Romeo Beckham and Nicola thing feud, but I do. and I'm like and I have opinions about it and I don't want to have opinions about it you know I don't want to like it's stupid crap like that you know where like it's just taking up space where I could literally have just looked out at the sunset or like literally just jerked off honestly anything

37:56Trixie Mattel:today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Ro R-O. So I have to talk to you about something. There are a lot of potential benefits to GLP-1s. And I follow this comedian. I don't want to out them, but this guy comedian who I love, he was talking about his journey being on a GLP-1. And he made it so funny and so personal. I just was like, wow, it's kind of nice to hear. I live in Los Angeles. GLP-1s hit the airwaves for us like probably five years ago when everyone was, and it's nice to hear people's normal journey toward a better self using GLP-1s. There are a lot of benefits of starting a GLP-1 weight loss journey over on Roe.

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39:20Trixie Mattel:You guys, I know so many people on GLP-1s, many of them maybe aren't. Let's say they're not shouting it from rooftops, but they're not secretive about it. And it's been really interesting to have friends around me who are on it, who are so open with what it's like. And it really like demystified it for me. Go to roe.co slash bald to see if you're eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on roe. That's ro.co slash bald to get started on roe. Go to roe.co slash safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Olipop, my favorite soda pop, okay?

39:57Trixie Mattel:Today we're gonna talk about the Olipop Shirley Temple. Now you guys, where I'm from in Wisconsin, we call Shirley Temples kitty cocktails. So Olipop, if you could send me my own personalized brand of can of Olipop that says kitty cocktail, that would be great. I love the taste of a Shirley Temple. as somebody who drinks and then doesn't drink. If you catch me not drinking, I am going to order a Shirley Temple. It makes me feel fancy. I love the cherry vibe. I love the sparkle. And this new flavor is basically Olipop's take on a classic that you remember, but with a brighter, bolder flavor with real ingredients you can feel good about.

40:34Trixie Mattel:It supports digestive health, which if you listen to The Bald and Beautiful, you know that Katja and I talk about that all the time. I'm going to tell you something. That is a part of your body that you take for granted until things aren't going perfect, let me tell you. And it's a flavor, the Shirley Temple, that everybody can feel good about. It's digestive health with real ingredients and less sugar. I also like these sodas because it's real ingredients and way less calories, way less calories. I have one of these probably every single night for dinner. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in store and we'll pay you back for one.

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41:22Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by 1-800-CONTACTS. Hi, it's me, Kachi Zamboni, professional figure skater, Olympic athlete, emotional wreck. Picture this. It's the 2026 Olympics in Milan. Outside the arena, a gentle snow is falling as fans snack on Kachoe Pepe as they wait in line with their tickets. Inside, the lights are blinding as I make my way to the center of the ice. My heart is thumping, the judges are watching intently, and my posterior looks fabulous in my brand new crimson and black sequined outfit. As I push off the ice, ready for a quadruple lutz into a flying camel spin, suddenly it hits me.

41:56Katya Zamolodchikova:The terror. The cold sweat. The realization that I am on my last pair of contacts, or worse. I've lost them entirely and must face the judges in my ugly, ancient, crooked glasses from a forgotten drawer in Ohio, where I escaped poverty to perform on the biggest stage in sports. How does one spot the landing on a triple toe loop when the world is a watercolor blur? How can I sell the drama of a step sequence when I cannot see my mom weeping for me in the third row? The panic used to own me. Not anymore, because 1-800-CONTACTS has my back. For over 30 years, they've been the leader in online contact lens delivery, with over 100 million lenses in stock and fast free shipping straight to my door.

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43:17Trixie Mattel:Do you like how I'm like, oh, I'm not looking at my phone anymore. I'm living my real life. Eight hours of video game playing.

43:23Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't think that's bad. Sorry. I think it's fun. If it's fun, if it makes you happy, just like Miss Crow. You don't know what

43:32Trixie Mattel:the me that I am now wants to play video games. Cooked my own dinner. Last night I made some delicious rice with some vegetables that I cooked in a pan. Fierce. With a can of soup.

43:45Katya Zamolodchikova:You better do it, bitch. Loved it. You know what I did? I performatively ate another salad in my kitchen, mugging out 360.

43:52Trixie Mattel:To who?

43:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Just, you know.

43:56Trixie Mattel:To everyone. To everybody. To the black mold. Yes.

43:59Katya Zamolodchikova:I put it in a giant. I don't got bowls big enough for the salad I like. mama because when i eat a salad a slop bucket it's roughage there's only three ingredients the baby arugula whatever whatever spring mix and you know like the pre-made stuff and then there's about a 600 pounds of croutons

44:20Trixie Mattel:and then a half a gallon of dressing right and i have to take my shirt off because it gets real messy and i just start using my hands the dressing is the issue when i worked in the restaurants and people get these salads but it's balsamic that's 80 percent ranch i said You better go lay down somewhere, you fucking creature. Yeah, you're about to blow ass on the way home. No, the - I love it, though. Ranch? Can I have extra ranch? When I was serving, when people asked for extra ranch, I almost said, and I knew you were going to ask for it. Because I knew you were that type of fucking person. You're fucking weird, girl.

44:49Trixie Mattel:It's a condiment. The lettuce is not put on the soup. It's not soup.

44:55Katya Zamolodchikova:It's not soup. Oh, I see what you mean.

44:56Trixie Mattel:It's not ranch soup with two lettuce leaves.

44:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, unfortunately. Faggot. Do you know what I mean? like. So you want more ranch? Here's your ranch, you faggot. No, no, no. I don't do that. I do balsamic vinaigrette. And just a little. I don't want wet. Not sopping wet salad, right?

45:12Trixie Mattel:You like sopping wet.

45:13Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, because there's so much crunch with my crouton.

45:15Trixie Mattel:Love the croutons.

45:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, man. Just the other day, I had no salad. I did a bowl of croutons. I swear to God. I did a whole bowl of croutons with some salad dressing. I ate it with my fingers and I was on hog heaven. Is that keto? That's keto. It's neato. You know you can make your own croutons Yes Yes I actually have But they were big and kind of You know It's like a little garlic bread that you bake

45:47Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait also I've been

45:48Trixie Mattel:Putting saline in your balls

45:51Katya Zamolodchikova:I want to make a confession What I was supposed to go get this thing done And I'm so glad I didn't

45:57Trixie Mattel:What are you talking about

45:59Katya Zamolodchikova:You're gonna laugh I'm going to be so embarrassed, but I'm not, I'm not going to embarrass you. I'm not going to shame. I'm going to, I'm going to embarrass myself. Shame is a landfill emotion. It's, it was a procedure called Bococs.

46:22Trixie Mattel:Like whatever it does, the name is an instant. No, like it's an instant, but whatever it does. Sure. The name is an instant note. I was watching a show that was commonly asked questions about this group of people. I forget what it was called, but it was an episode with deaf people. And deaf people were asking questions they've been afraid to ask. And this person said, what's one of the barriers of being a non-hearing person? And this guy was like, Botox. He was like, so much of what we read is lips and emotions. and it's like people who look like they're standing in headlights and their mouth is just moving and I can't tell how they feel about what they're saying.

47:01Trixie Mattel:I was like, oh.

47:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Interesting, interesting.

47:03Trixie Mattel:Because you know people when they're using ASL, a lot of times it's expressive.

47:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

47:07Trixie Mattel:So they were like, I can tell what they're saying, but I can't tell how they feel about it.

47:10Katya Zamolodchikova:The deaf must hate Nicole Kidman. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. Love you. Love you, Nicole. No.

47:16Trixie Mattel:She truly is the bald and the beautiful. I love her so much.

47:20Katya Zamolodchikova:And I love Gwyneth Paltrow too. And I love Julia Roberts. Right. You didn't watch the Grammy. I'm not the Grammys. You didn't see the Golden Globes. No. I know I said that. I don't like award shows. I know. I don't either. But Julia Roberts got a standing ovation just for being herself. I know I said that last episode. Sorry.

47:35Trixie Mattel:It's okay. Well, we were nominated for an Audi. We were nominated for a Golden Globe. Amy took the... Ambie. We were nominated for an Ambie Award. It's the Podcasting Awards. What does it stand for? It's Audio Content, I believe. Best Comedy Pod for an Ambie. Congratulations. And you know, after that whole Golden Globe fiasco where we didn't get an award even though we were nominated, I think that somebody better give us something.

47:54Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, it's something better. Somebody better not give me something in my dick called Bococs. Let me tell you what it is. What is it? So basically, it's like it is a – what it does is kind of like makes your dick like bigger and thicker and like also harder. Kind of like gives you like a – makes your dick harder and bigger. Did Andrew put you on this? No, no, no, no, no, no.

48:20Trixie Mattel:This is the company you keep. No, no, no, no, no, no. I swear to God. It's the porn friends and it's the sober people. They get weird. I swear to God. Some of the sober people need to go back on the pookie.

48:29Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no. They just need to go running. They just need to go macrame, pottery. You know what I mean? Flower arrangement. Anything. Parasailing.

48:38Trixie Mattel:Right.

48:39Katya Zamolodchikova:Free climbing. Normal sailing. So wait, wait. So it's an injection and then you got to pump. I got to buy a penis pump and I had the appointment scheduled for one o 'clock yesterday. What's the goal? So I take Viagra quite often. I don't have erectile dysfunction per se, but when I fuck people, I love to take... It's like I have my little red shoes on when I go on stage. You know what I mean? My little tap shoes when I do my tap dance. Right. You know?

49:12Trixie Mattel:You wear makeup for other women.

49:14Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like I'm a shepherd. Where's my little bonnet and my staff?

49:17Trixie Mattel:Right.

49:17Katya Zamolodchikova:You know what I mean? Right. A little Bo Peep. Right. So anyways, I... Mr. Potato Head without the shoes is just a potato. Thank you. Always saying that. So it basically it's like, you know, it

49:30Trixie Mattel:helps with, it gives you a hard big dick. Right. And you you're like, you like this dick? And they go and they look up at you and it's just those ice blue eyes with the bloodshot whites. And you said are you ready to do this? Looking truly like Freddy Krueger. Veins up in the eyes.

49:46Katya Zamolodchikova:No, but this I wouldn't be taking Viagra. Or generic. You know what I mean? or yeah, whatever. Anyways, so I did not want to do it because I felt it was insane. Right. It was also quite expensive. But apparently it's effective.

50:04Trixie Mattel:Isn't needles in the penis, isn't there some risks to that?

50:08Katya Zamolodchikova:No, none, of course. Right. But this is a doctor. Right. It's not a Dr. Bob from Florida. Right. This is an actual empty. Yeah, this is not like go down to the alley and take, you know, jump over the puddle and go shimmy down under the grate. I need the opposite.

50:28Trixie Mattel:I wish I could bake my dick like a shrinky dink sometimes. Too flopped out. It's too flopped out. You wish you could what?

50:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Bake it like a shrinky dink because it's too flopped out. That sounds like a wonderful t-shirt. Right. Why don't you bake it like a Shrinky Dink? Because you are too flopped out, you bitch. You faggoty bitch. Too flopped out. I still don't even understand what you're talking about.

50:53Trixie Mattel:It's more for me. Okay. Just what I said. And I don't know what it means.

51:02Katya Zamolodchikova:Too flopped out. Flopped out. It's flopped out. That's flopped out. And you need to, what is it? You need to bake it like.

51:11Trixie Mattel:I need to bake it like a Shrinky Dink because it's too flopped out. All right. Tired of wearing a holster like it's a gun. Thank you.

51:18Katya Zamolodchikova:I've been having the only breakfast as of late. What's the tea? It's that fucking steel-cut oatmeal. But baby, I have like a... The bowl is so huge. And it's so nourishing. Do you eat it cold? No. I heat it up on the stove. I cook a whole batch for the week. And then I take a huge fucking clump of it, put it in the pot. Heavy... Not heavy cream. Light cream. fucking you know heat that shit up so it's nice and hot right walnuts cranberries blueberries chia seeds brown sugar cholula cholula to A1 right and then mayonnaise for sure do you like mayonnaise I hate it I will never eat it

52:03Trixie Mattel:I don't care for it either

52:05Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't like mayonnaise I don't like cream sauce I don't like I don't like white sauce ranch I don't like any like french food like Alfredo, none of that. Ranch is sick. Ranch is disgusting. Blue cheese is also so gross.

52:18Trixie Mattel:In zombie movies where they're trying to see if people are infected and they scan them and it's infected, I want to do that with people who have had ranch. Just in general. Oh, looks like you had ranch once. What about blue cheese dressing? That's still a no. I only like a light lemony vinaigrette or a very light balsamette.

52:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Mary, even a little oil and salt and pepper.

52:38Trixie Mattel:Oil, salt and pepper. You got to start making your own dressing. That's where it's at. I have. It's the move. Because, bitch. It's the move. It makes the bottle shit look gross.

52:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Sweetie, I had my fucking art teacher in Boston. Her husband is a fucking vineyard, owns a goddamn, what do you call it? A fucking olive. A steak escape? No, an olive farm or whatever. Oh. They make through an olive oil is what I'm trying to say. A vineyard. Yes. Yeah. I thought it was like, is that what it's called? I don't know. I think so. Anyways, so this incredible olive oil. And then they get these like 50, you know, 50 year old bottles of fucking balsamic vinegar. You just fucking mix that shit together. A little salt and pepper. Oh, yeah. On a toasted baguette. I'd be doing like, what is it?

53:24Trixie Mattel:It's like olive oil, lemon or lime from the yard, salt and pepper. And then like a tiny amount of Dijon. A little Mrs. Dash. I never had that. She's nice. Never had that. The other day, can I tell you what I made? I've been really into cooking. The other day I was at a function and I ate a pizza bagel, pizza bite. I haven't had one in so long. You know the kind that you put in the oven? The little one. When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza. Fucking hockey puck of death. It's so sick. Why was that at a party? Those are so gross. It was what was being offered for breakfast. I'll tell you more in the next episode.

53:59Trixie Mattel:Well, it's a good teaser. But I went home and I was like, that wasn't good. But it awakened a part of me that wanted a good. And I felt like that woman who was like, my children wanted cornflakes this morning. So instead of me walking to 7-11, I put pizza ingredients on a store-bought bagel.

54:18Katya Zamolodchikova:And that was me making cornflakes from scratch. My children wanted cornflakes, so I walked to Iowa.

54:24Trixie Mattel:My gay friends, Jonathan and Jonathan, really wanted pizza bagels. So, girl, I got the bagels, brushed on the oil and the butter and the Italian seasoning. Then the stunning pizza sauce, the Chez. Oh, the Chez. And then chopped up red peppers. and tomatoes. Put it in the oven. You broil that shit? You broil it for the last couple minutes.

54:45Katya Zamolodchikova:400 degrees? And then you broil it.

54:47Trixie Mattel:It was great. It was really great. I'm so happy. Honestly, I was like, pizza bagels aren't good enough to not do this. Pizza bites, are they called pizza bites? I'm not sure. Bagel bites, they're just not good enough to not do the real thing. And I love you bagel bites, and you can send free bagel bites.

55:02Katya Zamolodchikova:And bagel bites, I don't like you, so you can fuck off.

55:05Trixie Mattel:Right. You know what I used to love in high school? What? Tostino pizza rolls the cheese ones oh my god they're doing what the bagel bites should have did at the gig with the girls

55:18Katya Zamolodchikova:so I don't know

55:20Trixie Mattel:what those are Tostino so these little squares and you can microwave them or put them in the oven and they get hot and they're the outside is almost like a pie crust tortilla really flat a little pouch imagine like a little pouch like a pillow like a pouch yes and on the inside is the cheese and the sauce from the pizza it's bites of pizza pizza bites

55:39Katya Zamolodchikova:gotcha

55:40Trixie Mattel:it's great I don't know if it's high nutrition

55:42Katya Zamolodchikova:probably not is it the same kind of cheese like mozzarella cheese yeah

55:47Trixie Mattel:and that Susan Powder documentary when she said don't eat any food you can't spell I kind of like you know what she's fucking right how do you spell okay

55:59Katya Zamolodchikova:do you know what I mean I'm a really good speller though

56:06Katya Zamolodchikova:my um diarrhea all the time why do you have diarrhea

56:10Trixie Mattel:I don't know

56:11Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean I'm I wish I was constipated right no you don't no I don't of course not but I like I like it every time when I get like a little rabbit pellet poops I love that it's a nice change I think we're good I think we're good we're good wait so final thoughts watch Predator badly I'm gonna watch Fallout season two. Right. And then we're both going to watch Primate

56:38Trixie Mattel:at the movies together. I'm not going to the movies. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. I weirdly can't bring myself to watch Wicked for good. I watched the first one. Pop the Drag Queen told me if I didn't cry watching Wicked that something's wrong with me.

56:54Katya Zamolodchikova:That is patently untrue. That is not true. I cried because I no it's

57:03Trixie Mattel:what? wicked no

57:05Katya Zamolodchikova:okay anyways okay but please go okay I will

57:09Trixie Mattel:I will bye bye

57:52Katya Zamolodchikova:Thank you.

57:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Try the new wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com. Available at participating locations only.

58:08Trixie Mattel:The sun's shining, birds are singing, and all feels right in the world.

58:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed. In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression no matter the season or time of year.

58:23Trixie Mattel:At the American Psychiatric Association Foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all, because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round.

58:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Please visit MentallyHealthyNation.org to learn more.