Some Like It Hot & Flaky

7:10Trixie Mattel:Right, right, right. I want to take a long piece of sandpaper and take the front of their knee and just go like something mean, something to teach them a lesson. Yeah. I want to push them into a wall. Right, right, right. So we go and we go to this place called 33 Taps in West Hollywood. And I guess I've chosen. Craft beer? I've chosen 36 to love West Hollywood. I love to go to West Hollywood. Craft beer? Maybe. Okay. It's a gay bar. I don't think anyone's going for the craft beer. Pancake makeup. I imagine. Pancake.

7:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Community theater shading. Scratching your face and then a huge divot.

7:45Trixie Mattel:I take my Ben Nye character wheel. I do contour, highlight, blush. The Wells Fargo wagon is a girl. Your character. Dinner theater. My character makeup. Wet. Wet. No powder. No powder. Wet. Wet mud. And then all my laugh lines. The cake makeup is creasing. love. Scream lines. So we go and it's drag queens. It's drag queens. It's Godoy and Samara hosting a bingo. I walk in and I haven't been to a drag bingo in a long time. I love this girl Samara. She's so unbelievably beautiful. I go, your highlighter. Oh my God, you look so beautiful. She said, it's your highlighter. I was like, oh, wasn't even fishing for it.

8:22Trixie Mattel:I was like, oh. And then they just look great and I'm sitting there and not a good listener. Bingo is hard for me. Bingo is hard for me. The numbers are fast. I used to host bingo, which is very easy you just say numbers or five ten whatever six seven whatever or being at bingo i'm like and everyone at my table is trying to drink and talk i'm like shut up like ah i'm dobbing i'm dobbing as fast as i can because i want to win of course i don't win i've never won bingo but i'm there with someone who wins but it's no one wins it's like it's like a ashton kutcher's hiding to be like we're gonna follow her for her whole life to make sure every bingo it's fixed and rigged and She can never win.

9:01Katya Zamolodchikova:But it's not your fault.

9:03Trixie Mattel:It's random, though. It's universe. It's God. It's Gaia. It's the moon. It's the earth. It's channeling the divine.

9:09Katya Zamolodchikova:It's Mercury.

9:10Trixie Mattel:It's Mercury. And they're sort of like, guess what? You will never win. Damn. You will never win. So how does that make you feel? It's fine. We had some drinks. Then they brought over shots. And I guess because I haven't been eating much, I was kind of already not noticing that I'm a little drunk. But everybody has told me my whole life that when I am drunk, they can't tell. Like, I'm drunk now. I wonder how many times you've been drunk with me and I haven't noticed. I've never really been drunk around you. Have you noticed I never, the other night at the Wiltern, the fact that I had wine on stage, do I ever do that?

9:38Trixie Mattel:No, I was worried. But I had like this month. Tracy said, hmm. But I do see you butt chugging it before the show.

9:44Katya Zamolodchikova:I never drink on stage. There's an empty bottle of wine that falls out of your ass.

9:49Trixie Mattel:Oh, it's the Aveline Cameron Diaz wine. It shatters. And then I sit down on the shards and I just grind on the wet shards and there's blood. That's horrible. Let's take a break. I'm sorry. Oh, Aveline was the sponsor. They pulled out. They said, what did you fucking say? I do like Aveline wine. I do like Aveline wine. Aveline? Aveline. A-V-A-L-I-N-E. I think it's Cameron Diaz's company, but we just had a bottle of it at the studio. I was there tracking some vocals. I was like, I'm going to have wine. Where do you, where you can't find your vocals? No. At the microphone. Cause the drag, your tracker.

10:19Katya Zamolodchikova:No, I was doing a vocal. I'm doing a track. No, but you understand the joke.

10:23Trixie Mattel:I understand. It's just not funny. You're like, oh yeah. It's close. She's close The bridge is right around the corner Echo location I'm doing this track with Rekno The DJ producer Rekno Rekno Rekno Bass house Really baggy Long ponies Rapping love And I got to track the vocals In my drag closet The one that used to be By the pod room Yeah yeah yeah Is all fabric So that's where I go to make Because it's like a Soundproof Because I don't have a booth A booth Sound booth I'm boofing it in the sound booth Look at the booth Spot a live bar Mary Cologne She's tracking her vocals. She's tracking her vocals and boofing it.

11:01Trixie Mattel:She's boofing herself while she tracks her vocals. So, um, what was, oh, she's boofing. Oh, so drinking. In the boof? No, drinking at the event. Okay. So then we go, I guess I, I mean, I never in my life even brown out drinking. I don't know what was special. Like fuzzy memories. Something about this day.

11:23Katya Zamolodchikova:The lights went out in Georgia. the lights went out tootsie. Nationwide. Nationwide. Grid paralyzed.

11:31Trixie Mattel:Nationwide. He's on your side. So.

11:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Honk, honk. I wrote that. We should do more of that. Singing? Call 1-800-EAST-WEST. Yes, of course.

11:46Trixie Mattel:All you gotta do is call.

11:47Katya Zamolodchikova:988-667-EMPIRE. Love that too. When you've got call JJ Wentworth 860000 yeah

11:57Trixie Mattel:the other one is

11:58Katya Zamolodchikova:when the sun is blazing the summer gets hot water country's a very cool spot there's no better place to feel and be on

12:06Trixie Mattel:water country have some fun people are listening to this being like why would I subscribe to the Peace Lair more of this let's take a break and now we're back water country water country

12:19Katya Zamolodchikova:so we go So, and I guess we go, so I'm going to Tarantino this.

12:24Trixie Mattel:I'm going to skip to Monday. Monday, I'm filming a piece for a press piece. Oh, the dog pressed up because the killer.

12:31Katya Zamolodchikova:The killer.

12:33Trixie Mattel:I'm filming a press piece and the interviewer goes, it was great seeing you Friday. I said, have we met? He says, we talked Friday. I go, oh, I'm in drag. I go, oh, so let's Tarantino back to this night. Apparently we went into Revolver, had shots, I guess, days later. Did you lick him? Did you lick him? Don't remember speaking to him. Don't remember talking to him. Don't remember his face. Don't remember being in there. Did you feel up on his legs? So then I guess we went to Mic Drop, this new West Hollywood karaoke bar. Oh, water him out. Because I was with people that... Love to drink. I want to say something about Mr.

13:05Trixie Mattel:Wonderful. At a certain amount of... At a certain time of night, when there's drinks involved, there's going to be singing anyway. So it's better to get him in an environment where it makes sense. Yes, yes, yes. Right? Because it's going to be singing. Not at the police station. The group of gays is going to start singing. Sure. Okay. So let's get somewhere where it makes sense in the context. There's microphones. There's music. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, we're at the Hardee's, the Danceteria, the Snackaterium. You know what I mean? So I guess we go to mic drop. I remember the inside. I remember the interior.

13:40Trixie Mattel:Days later, the memories are coming back to me. I'm like a sleeper agent. Okay. I'm Halle Berry in Gothica. Okay. You're on Shutter Island. I'm Shutter Island I'm Shutter Island I'm Leonardo DiCaprio It's Memento Absolutely You're looking at all the tattoos Piecing it together Right, seven Six plus seven Six, seven So How does anybody listen to us? How does anybody I don't know How do you Water country People have genuinely said to me I love your pod I go, you know that's They go, I listen to your pod every week I go, you know that's mental illness You know you have mental illness So apparently I sang don't know what I sang multiple songs

14:19Katya Zamolodchikova:nobody told you

14:21Trixie Mattel:we're all singing and we're there with Elliot Glazer who's an incredible singer is he really so the only memory I have is him sitting waterfalls and me being like oh my god you know when someone's an amazing singer it makes karaoke go from ha ha to like yeah suddenly it's like let me show you how you burlesque you know it's Christina Gillard it's show a little more it's like well I can do that of course the rest of us are like sometimes I feel I want to get away. Mind you, I make records and I'm still not a good karaoke singer. Yeah, but I don't like it when there's real karaoke singers when they're like, you guys, I don't know the song.

14:56Trixie Mattel:You're like, oh God, oh God. I love good singers.

15:00Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't like it when the I don't like it when the bamboozlers and the ambushers drop in from Boston Conservatory into the karaoke.

15:09Trixie Mattel:Oh, they take it too serious.

15:11Katya Zamolodchikova:They're like, they bring their own CD.

15:12Trixie Mattel:They bring their own CD.

15:13Katya Zamolodchikova:don't tell me how to live. It's like, girl. When they pull out the funny girl thing, it's too much. Somebody just sing, Jesus takes the wheel. Girl, be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate.

15:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Everything's coming up. And you're like,

15:31Trixie Mattel:what do you think? Oh, it is Patti LuPong. She just elbowed me in the face. She just pushed me. She body checked me

15:38Katya Zamolodchikova:so she could sing her song. Yeah, she told me to sit on a bunch of broken shards.

15:41Trixie Mattel:Patti doesn't just bring her own CD. She brings her own karaoke system. In a band. And a dolly. Mariachis. But it's always. She has a soprero. Everybody only has maracas. Yeah. But it's the heart will go on.

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17:14Trixie Mattel:reducing hair loss by 85%. Only the strongest will survive the shedding. Pantene Abundant and Strong. So anyway, I'm singing. I will say this about mic drop. Wow! It is beautiful inside. Gorgeous. I'm sorry. The nicest karaoke rooms I've ever been to. Nice service. Days later, it started to come back to me and I was like, everybody was so nice. The door service was nice. They were nice at the front desk. private rooms where else in west hallowed can even get a private room so let me pitch this to you people bath house even if you don't want to sing don't make me sing you could just go rent the private room drink with your friends in the padded room a karaoke i haven't been in a private karaoke room in so long it was so fun and it was last time was probably orville's birthday party at dave's break room i wasn't invited you weren't he wanted to bring you and i said absolutely not I said I'm not going she's going anyway snackatarium it was really fun I wouldn't do that but drinking I don't aspire to forget things drinking that was kind of a lot I woke up like then you have to go through the ticker tape yes I was like what happened the surveillance footage I look down I see a wristband I'm like oh and then you're chained to a hospital bed no I think it's from a nightclub it's a hospital and it's someone else's name

18:34Katya Zamolodchikova:not again

18:35Trixie Mattel:switch to birth I also have to tell you I have a few things I have to tell you I went to this thing called the hospital of emotions. I, what? Okay. Lately on Tik TOK,

18:47Katya Zamolodchikova:the hell are you talking about? Okay. So late hospital of emotions.

18:51Trixie Mattel:It happened. So lately I've noticed I live in, is this a digital realm? No, this is real. A brick and mortar. Can I tell you? Damn. It's a story. Fuck. So lately I'm like, I live in America's second largest city and I there's so much of LA I haven't seen or done I've lived here 10 years I go to the same few gay bars that I love but there's so much things not around drinking to do that I don't do because it's daytime and I'm working or whatever sure I had a day off because you were almost dead and I was like let's go to the hospital of emotions I saw it online it's an old hospital that's defunct now it's not not being used empty not defunct like someone walks in and said fake I love it it's either funked or defunct it's defunct so it's a hospital and the people who work there dress as doctors and each floor is an emotion and each of these hospital rooms a different artist has done an installation about that emotion so like oh this is the sadness ward and every room is an artist took a whole hospital room the ceiling to floor and transformed it into like an immersive experience okay and there's joy and there's whatever all these emotions um sure okay that sounds riveting it was cool um sounds a little corny all these artists are different so every room was different it's just like these people's own interpretation one of them made me cry was it the sadness room it one of them was was a hospital bed and then floor ceiling walls it was like paintings of almost like uh stills from a person's life like childhood it's like and the piece was about like when somebody's on like their deathbed and your family's all around the people just share stories of the person's life and i i was like cynical me yeah and i don't even like art museums because visual arts kind of bore me sometimes and that's horrible but i'm the type of person when i go to shit i'm like sure you know you're in front of the monoliths i'm like right yeah unless it's something that is really you know baby didn't go to art school in that way so baby needs things fed to me i need to read the plaque i need it explained to me and this one really moved me and so I went from like LOL me and my boyfriend doing the hospital thing haha we're doing something funky to like

21:08Katya Zamolodchikova:LOL

21:11Trixie Mattel:but it was actually really nice it was a little pricey I think it was$85 per person that's insane but you know art I think hundreds of artists installations nobody forced me to go I'm okay to spend money it's not insulin i chose to go it was 85 dollars and i knew about it and you weren't yeah you weren't tricked or

21:32Katya Zamolodchikova:robbed or anything to that point i think it's interesting to i think your reaction to visual art is common and i think it's helpful when you because that is off that is like the most common thing to hear and if you go to a good museum like art institute chicago or i mean i don't know any good museum where there's a lot of stuff i do go no no no no i'm not i'm just saying but i i i have felt the same thing that you're feeling and often do that that somehow there's like an uninterpretable there's like an art is uninterpretable like taken out of a context and it does make more sometimes it makes more sense in the context but if you just like you can look at a painting and be like and just look at it and be like you'll get it the whole experience you'll get it you will get it if you look at it you will get it and reading always helps always great to read the the thing if they have more if they have more information about what who painted and when and in what country they're from it's great but like a lot of times people are like they'll see like the mark rothko paintings or they'll see they won't see them in person they'll see the the photographs of them in a whatever magazine or something or in a book.

22:48Katya Zamolodchikova:Or on a tweet. And they'll be like, this is un-fucking ridiculous. This is ridiculous. But if you see them in person, it's really something different.

23:00Trixie Mattel:Okay, it is different. In school, for one of my art electives, I had to take a art survey class, which is like a class about art if you're not a visual artist. Art history. Which was really interesting. It was history, but also as part of the class, you had to go see something. And I went to see the Thomas, I think his name is Thomas Kincaid. He did this series called Freak Parade, which was this series of - Thomas Kincaid, not Painter of Light. Is that wrong? Oh, no, that's wrong.

23:23Katya Zamolodchikova:No, not Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light. Thomas Woodruff. I'm sorry. Sorry. I was like, I was like, where is this going? No, it's so fierce. I'm sorry. Thomas Woodruff. The way that he painted with light. Can you look up

23:33Trixie Mattel:Thomas Woodruff Freak Parade? Is that right?

23:35Katya Zamolodchikova:It's not Thomas Kincaid. That's the guy who does the little cottages. The painting of light with the three sons.

23:40Trixie Mattel:I know. I'm sorry.

23:41Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it's a beard. It's a beard.

23:47Trixie Mattel:Is that his name? Thomas Woodruff. Yes. Okay. So I saw this in college. This was a long time ago. Okay. But seeing it online, buying the ticket, this was my first time as a big boy adult, 19, whatever, going to an art show on my own for a class. I guess because I had to go. But seeing the scale of the pieces in person changed everything. It made the experience, I remember it like yesterday. I remember which one's my favorite. And then Jennifer took me to the Broad and I saw the, I don't remember the artist's name, the giant dining room table. The giant dining room table. And that was so physical and imposing because it's so big.

24:28Trixie Mattel:You're standing on a giant table. I guess maybe I have a difficulty understanding. I police myself on what I think I'm meant to feel. Yeah. And then I get in my head about what I'm supposed to be experiencing. And I try to instead be like, the artist is also not in charge of what I feel when I see this. It's actually an independent experience. That plaque exists, but it's not like I have to have an experience and then fact check what I felt to make it. I'm allowed to just be like, that's a big table and keep walking. Totally. Even if that's a shallow experience, that's the experience I have. But that's, I think that the shallow experience is the experience.

25:07Trixie Mattel:And it's like, you know, everyone, but I always feel like someone around the corners crying, being like, this piece means so much. And I'm like, that table's big, you know? Yes. That's my experience.

25:15Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it's great because when I went to, it also depends on what's going on and where you are sort of in your life and where your interests are. when I was at the Art Institute of Chicago last time, I was tweaking out at the furniture section. Tweaking at American, like, turn of the century, like, 19th century furniture. I was rubbing the skin raw. You loved it. Loved it. Because why? I was just, I wanted to buy a house. Oh, right. I was like, she covets. Exactly. She sees what she doesn't have. And I was like, all this incredible lack of furniture. and it's like, oh my God, it's like nutting everywhere.

25:55Katya Zamolodchikova:But then, you know, it's a shallow experience and then it can have depth, but it's like when you jump into a pond, of course it's shallow at first.

26:07Trixie Mattel:Right, you're giving yourself permission to like - Just look at it. Just look at it. Just look at it. And I guess that's the part that, I don't know, I'm 36. I'm just now having better experiences at art museums because I understand that the experience is kind of independent.

26:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

26:22Trixie Mattel:And as an adult, going with a group and saying, this is what I like. What do you like about it? Like we were under this giant table and Jennifer was like, this is so cool. You're going to love it. And it was the other thing that everyone goes to see at the Broad, the mirror that goes on forever. Like lights and mirrors that go on forever. Anyway, we waited in line to see that. The giant table to me made me think of when I was younger. And I was like, maybe that's just so surface and obvious. It just makes me think being a kid. That's perfect.

26:44Katya Zamolodchikova:Maybe that's okay. It's totally okay. See, it's the judgment of the thought that is the problem. It gets in the way of me actually having the present experience. Because the knee-jerk reaction is so important because it's the first reaction. It's before I get my way. Yes. That's what I felt. You're like, ew. Or like, whoa. Or like, ah. Or like, eh. Or like, ugh. Anything. Like, that's really important. And to say that. That's important. And it's also really, it's really elitist. And it's really, I think, misguided to discount that. Nobody made me feel this way. I did it to myself. Sure. But it's very common.

27:20Katya Zamolodchikova:And so I remember back in school when this guy who was like one of those cool guys, one of those cool art guys, and his whole work was basically surveillance footage. And I was like, okay. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. It's like my knee-jerk reaction. I think that I'm prejudging my knee-jerk reaction to this, which is this is boring. It's meaningless. and then I'm like well what but how could it possibly he's so cool and then I was like no no looking back I'm like that was trash trash that was trash it was pretentious it wasn't aesthetic it was like anti it was just like trash trash conceptual trash there's no there's trash it doesn't even

28:07Trixie Mattel:it's not even worth it but even having that emotion yeah you got an experience out of it yeah I'm not saying his plan

28:14Katya Zamolodchikova:was to feed up the experience no no no his plan was to be like i'm going to present something that's so sort of like uh sort of wrapped in this like shitty veneer being so technical and elusive and in in aloof and and um uh meticulously constructed was like yeah but it sucks right you know whereas that giant goya painting is like whoa and that's like just that is good enough and then there's a lot more to it of course there's like whatever but and also the paintings and i I just love thinking about it.

28:44Trixie Mattel:I mean, it depends. Like in college, we used to, because I was a musical theater student, we used to have to watch all the dance concerts that the students would put on. Oh God, yeah. And obviously on the surface level, the physical ability of young dancers is already marvelous. Sure. But beyond that, I often felt pea-brained in a way where I was like, I don't know what this piece was about. Right. I couldn't tell you what any of this is about. It reminds me of when I went to the young composers recitals in college that were like a lot of modern composers, atonal, arrhythmic. yeah and it made me feel like um am i just like not able to enjoy this is it weird am i what is it about this that makes me feel so yeah like like tone deaf to it well i think a lot of those that

29:29Katya Zamolodchikova:stuff like the you know the the the pivotal uh iconoclastic or like uh groundbreaking pivots in in the in the history of art especially in contemporary art is like well yeah they're they're they're they that's a con it's in a context that is helpful to be understood if you're studying it i mean if you find yourself in the in a contemporary dance uh performance where they're the the composer is like you know what we were gonna do vivaldi but i think we're just gonna go with the dentist drill right you know like and we're gonna do it for for an hour right and so it's antagonistic and it's like but that's a that's a conscious choice because it's like revolting it's like there's a revolt there and it's obviously intended to make the audience feel discomfort and that's uh going to be met with discomfort so it's like they're not really going towards like romantic beauty and and awe and lush like oh the human body and like oh these patterns and these shapes and this rhythm and this flow and this like repetition variation they're just like

30:35Trixie Mattel:and also like we're like to put a bow on it the experience you have which is that was weird i didn't get it is also completely valid valid all this is valid as saying i totally got it right all that non-binary tea is valid last night i texted you at like it's 1 30 a.m my non-binary tea is so valid and you didn't say anything back

30:59Katya Zamolodchikova:I was letting it sit. Pride month really is over, huh? I was letting it sit because I had a knee-jerk reaction. I feel like I just didn't get support. No, no, no. This is, I really love this because only now, you know what I thought about when you said that? I was like, I only think that now after living for 40 something years, 30, 14, I am qualified, or that I could get something out of art school now.

31:22Trixie Mattel:I feel the same way recently.

31:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Only now. Undergraduate. I'm not talking graduate. I'm talking undergraduate. Like literally, recently I've been like,

31:29Trixie Mattel:I wonder if I would have the same experience in like the level one music theory classes that I hated taking. I bet I would go in there and love it.

31:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh my God.

31:39Trixie Mattel:I bet I would go home thinking about it. Visual language. I would be a try hard bitch.

31:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, I would be the only unconventional. I would stay after and be like, I love, this lesson today was amazing. I'd be the only unconventional student eating in the video bay till 9 p.m.

31:52Trixie Mattel:Irritating.

31:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Irritating. Are you still in there? Yes. I just, ugh. Yeah. Irritating. Irritating.

31:59Trixie Mattel:And I think back of being like young and just being like, ugh. I'm paying all this money to be here in class and I'm pissed.

32:05Katya Zamolodchikova:Pissed at an 8 a.m. class for art. For the thing I love. For the thing I love. Yeah, the thing I left that shit-ass university for. Crazy. Can I tell you what else happened to me? Speaking of art. So wait, how did the drinking happen to you? What do you mean? You said at the top that I want to tell you about this, this, um, this. The time when the drink...

32:26Trixie Mattel:Somebody made the drinks. I was at a bar. I didn't go back there and make it myself. A server brought it to me. Someone bought it for me. Any other questions? Now we're going to pivot to my substance abuse. This is so fucked. I hate it here. This room is bogus.

32:45Katya Zamolodchikova:I think that...

32:48Trixie Mattel:I do have a fucking problem, bitch. And it's sitting over here.

32:51Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, it's your fat ass.

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33:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms like fevers, sweats, chills, muscle aches, or cough, had a vaccine or planned to, or if inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Serious allergic reactions and severe eczema-like skin reactions may occur. Learn more at 1-844-COSENTIX or cosentix.com slash Cindy.

34:17Katya Zamolodchikova:With our prices, just get them all. Burlington. Deals? Brands? Wow! The Colonel's cooked up a new$10 bucket of the day just for you. Monday, 24 nuggets for$10. Tuesday, 8-piece fried chicken for$10. Wednesday, 10 wings for$10. Thursday, 8 tenders for$10. Friday, 24 nuggets for... Ooh, you guessed it, didn't you? $10! The$10 bucket of the day deal Every weekday Only at KFC It's finger licking good

34:52Trixie Mattel:Prices and participation Very well Supplies last Not available on third party Ordering platforms Tax extra So I went to Philly Because Keys I went to Philly To do a gig With the Philly Orchestra The Philadelphia Orchestra Gay gay gay The gay gay gay Was I gay? Wait was it gay? It was like a pride thing

35:18Katya Zamolodchikova:You wore this beautiful rainbow dress Yes You know I don't love rainbow

35:22Trixie Mattel:I don't either Thank you It's technically a TV dress Which is a fun way to wear rainbow

35:30Katya Zamolodchikova:That was Oh that's right Because I have a hard time with rainbow Many do and should But I think the colors broken up in a different way It's beautiful Very clever

35:40Trixie Mattel:And I didn't say I don't get it No. So the orchestra is so huge and fantastic. I mean, they have albums upon albums. Some of the people in the orchestra have been in it for 50 years.

35:53Katya Zamolodchikova:What did they think of your gay ass when you strolled up on that thing and like Lydia Tarr?

35:56Trixie Mattel:Well, I asked a lot of questions about it because it's like a fine arts thing. And when you're a dragoon and you're doing fine arts for a change, you were like. Wait, so I can't make a mistake? No, you're kind of like, OK, well, I better like wear nice hair, wear nice dress and not say the F word. You know what I mean? like let me try to ask decorum because you know I'm a musician I'm excited to be invited and they told me I could do like I have to do like a 10 minute block of like whatever performance I want they said we request like one of your maybe comedy numbers you do with your guitar I said sure so I did rich people yeah which is funny but of course has a few course moments I talk about like I joke about rich people wearing fur and underage prostitutes and stuff it's more like making fun of the morals of the rich yes of course of which you are a part I guess but I'm not underage model we're in furs you're not fucking underage people with a fur coat on one of the jokes is like rich people don't you hate it when the valet smokes in your car and you have to throw the whole thing away dumb but I do that little number and that's fun and then I decided to sing this other number I have working on called till death do us part sometimes you gotta try a number in front of people you just gotta get the baby out of your uterus once to then go home and actually strangle it with the umbilical record so i do that and it all works and it's fun but before the show i'm thinking of my high school band teacher taught me to read music and i go i text her because you know crazy the philly orchestra like world famous wild i'm like i can't believe i get to even be on the stage these people you know whole orchestra there's like a hundred people on stage and i text her i'm like i just got to tell you like i just did this remix for duran duran and i'm getting to do this gig this week with the philly orchestra sometimes as a musician i just i cannot tell you how grateful i am for you You've like, teach me how to read music and teach me how to like respect it and all that.

37:43Trixie Mattel:I just, I owe you so much. And she responded like, you're welcome. And then I said, like, I was like, I just, I love, you know, you taught me so much and you're just so giving. And I don't, oh yeah. I was like, I couldn't, I could never do like all this without you. You just gave me so much. I said, I forget what I said. And she said, yeah, I'm going to go work in my garden. Which is completely fine. Like, I'm not trying. I'm making her do this Mr. Holland's Opus thing with me. You're goodwill hunting her. You're goodwill hunting her. Yeah, girl. Go do your gig. Which is also that. That tea is very valid.

38:20Katya Zamolodchikova:She's like, who is this number?

38:21Trixie Mattel:What is this number? Oh, but also, I don't expect an older person to text like. She's an older person. It's going to be like short phrases. Happy Friday. You know what I mean? Like, yes. Happy Friday. So it was just so funny. Hope this message finds you. Yeah, it was funny. But she did. That is great. But she did acknowledge me and say thank you. That's nice to say thank you. But I'm, I guess what I'm. She said happy birthday to Sarah. I'm inflating this to be like, I wanted like tearful texting back.

38:45Katya Zamolodchikova:No, you wanted a video. I wanted like. You were like where she, she, she Viola Davis snot cried for like 10 minutes. Right. I mean, she knew who I was.

38:53Trixie Mattel:It's not like she was like, were you absent a lot? Who are you? But she, you know, but, um, and then at the gig, they ended with Born This Way. And I had my guitar there and they were like, we want to do a group number at the end. And they said, I'm standing there in full drag with my little guitar. And they go, do you know Born This Way? I said. Am I a Nicki fan?

39:10Katya Zamolodchikova:No matter Black, White, or Beige. Chola or Orient Maid.

39:13Trixie Mattel:Not to mention...

39:15Katya Zamolodchikova:No matter Black, White, or Beige. Chola or Orient Maid. Ooh, there ain't no other way.

39:22Trixie Mattel:Love Born This Way, but Born This Way is absolutely...

39:28Trixie Mattel:Over and over again. It's three chords.

39:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Is it really?

39:31Trixie Mattel:It's Born This Way, Born This Way, Right Jack, Baby, Born This Way. So it was just funny to be in full drag.

39:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Let's wind that back, Tootsie. What do you say? That's it. But I need more further convincing. Yeah, that didn't sound like Born This Way. It didn't sound like, ooh, there ain't no other way. Oh, but what about the chorus?

39:51Trixie Mattel:Love Born This Way.

39:52Katya Zamolodchikova:What about the chorus? Ooh, there ain't no other way. The Lebanese, you're Orient. Yeah, you're Lebanese. What if, you know, be fierce if your band teacher had been like, you're Lebanese.

40:04Trixie Mattel:When it's text back, you're orient You're Lebanese, you're orient You're black, white, chola, beige descent

40:08Katya Zamolodchikova:You said the first thing, oh my god And then she's like, you're Lebanese Y-O-U-R Doesn't she say black, white, or beige? No matter black, white, or beige, chola, or orient That's so like I think about it two to three times a day No, I'm not joking I think about it two to three times I love that fucking song Every single day I want to know what kind of chamomile tea and honey dipped drops. People would put it in the lovely little Lush booth. And then they were like, so it's no matter a black, white, or beige, chola or orient, maid.

40:45Trixie Mattel:And I'm like - Right track, baby. I was born to be brave.

40:48Katya Zamolodchikova:No matter gay, straight, or bi,

40:52Trixie Mattel:lesbian, transgender, life. I'm on the right track, baby. I was born to survive.

40:55Katya Zamolodchikova:I do like that lyric.

40:57Trixie Mattel:Okay.

40:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay.

40:59Trixie Mattel:I was born to survive. survive survive oh i okay i understand these that section is clunky but i love born this way no no no fucking love it yeah i thought it turns me up i i i i guess and i'm not making fun of it being three chords because brilliant love the song i don't think that that i i don't it's just funny that i'm in full drag with a guitar and she goes do you know the song born this way by lady i go do i have breasts in a pussy i i know i was i was aaron brock is at what key would you like it you're like you want black you want white you want beige but i'm such an fbg i go isn't it in g major yeah and then they bring me the conductor score so then the conductor score is like every part in the orchestra like a big were you doing this were you doing the cover of it says like born this way written by stephanie germanata you know what i mean it's like a orchestral version and so i'm standing there in my dragoon my fine arts dragoon with my orchestral score with the piano going oh yeah i got that reading through it i'm like oh my god i'm sight reading it like it's a serious orchestral piece and it's literally just born this way i give the paper back i'm like i'll see you at the end of the show yeah i think i could it could work but i had a really fun time and i asked them i said is this a ticketed event and they said it was free and i was like think of all these fags who are here who probably never go to see fine arts things like this who are here just because of this i thought it was sweet that's amazing a time.

42:23Katya Zamolodchikova:I think it's wonderful. It's a triumph. It's a triumph.

42:26Trixie Mattel:It's a triumph. It was fun. It was really fun. It's a triumphant

42:28Katya Zamolodchikova:for, you know, whether you just feel

42:30Trixie Mattel:funny to walk out there and sing your dumb song about rich people when these serious world famous orchestra musicians are sitting right there with their little violins watching you do your actual dog and pony clown show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

42:42Katya Zamolodchikova:I like it when I like looking at I watch this Dune sound Hans Zimmer Dune soundtrack thing by an orchestra a video on YouTube and it was so cunt and they're i like it when the when the certain sections are just sitting there because they're like just waiting for their you know if they have a big break oh they just chill they just they are like they're not like they're not like no they sit there sit there like you know what's crazy too but there was a cello player mary she had a she had a head of hair like a pantene pro v model and the way that she was catching the lens of that camera every time it swung around it was a man and he was like just he was like i mean it was like he was like it was like he was like oh my god very witches of eastwick oh yes yes it started on fire and all of a sudden frizzy hair crazy daryl van horn was just pumping him i love that part where after she

43:42Trixie Mattel:gets all whored out and she goes into school and she played the shitty song yeah yeah she goes we're going to do this one more time. What did she say? We're going to play the shit.

43:50Katya Zamolodchikova:On the count of four, we're going to play the shit out of this thing. And she gets them too. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And she's so hot. Tickle you now. With that big curls. Oh yeah, in no bra. I also love when she's in the supermarket saying double, double chocolate. These are fabulous. Double, double chocolate. These are fabulous. And then she's eating pickles. What did she say? You heard her. Girl, it's so fierce. All because she, what, has sunglasses on? Well, she's eating pickles out of a jar. And she's not wearing a bra.

44:23Trixie Mattel:She's not wearing a bra. Now, where do you stand on eating out of the food that you haven't bought yet at the grocery store? Because I think one or two grapes never kills anybody. But I think if you're going to open up the raw meat or something, like, you know. You better have those rolls. But imagine handing a bitten out of apple to the cashier and saying, skin it. No. No, no. So the thing is, so it's A. What if it's plastic? What if it's actually sealed? Can you open it and start eating it?

44:48Katya Zamolodchikova:No, we can't eat in the grocery store.

44:49Trixie Mattel:Because I think people are. What about goldfish crackers?

44:53Katya Zamolodchikova:No, you can't. Okay. No, nobody's. So we can't eat in the grocery store. Because they're ignoring the very essential, important rule. That you don't go to the grocery store starving to death. LA's not even hygienic. You make bad choices.

45:07Trixie Mattel:People have their 270-pound mastiffs in the produce section in LA. Do you understand? There's dog hair right on your cellar.

45:14Katya Zamolodchikova:What about this? you go is it Erewhon Erewhon I think they have aisles that are about 18 inches long fierce and then they go so I'm my name is Jeanette I live in Westwood and I walk I've got my double wide stroller with my two obnoxious children and also my great Dane family of dogs right and I'm and I'm on my phone of course and my au pair is outside idling the car thank you yeah and so I've and I'm and I'm just... It's fierce. Girl, what's that? What's that about? Have you been to a place called... I got to get my$38 jar of olives one ounce. Yeah. Have you been to a place called

45:52Trixie Mattel:Trader fucking Joe's? They have no food. Raw? WWE Raw? You will get punched in the face.

46:01Katya Zamolodchikova:Maybe they got no food there. They have no food. They have no food, girl. Trader Joe has no food. He's traded all his food. No, do you know what it is, girl? He's got no food up in there. The fierce thing is it's like,

46:09Trixie Mattel:I wonder what types of saltines they have. One kind. There are no options. One pack of gum. One brand of milk.

46:20Katya Zamolodchikova:One size. But they really try to throw you for a loop with that Trader Giotto.

46:25Trixie Mattel:We don't have cherry tomatoes. We have cherries sitting next to the tomatoes.

46:27Katya Zamolodchikova:These are all Traders with the G or the J, Gal. Who's Trader Julio? Well, if it's Italian, if it's Spanish, they say Trader Giotto. They do? The Trader Giotto pasta. Oh, yeah, baby. And if it's like, you know, Trader Dracula's, whatever.

46:42Trixie Mattel:But the people, unlike TikTok and stuff, the way people talk about like, if you don't get out to Trader Joe's and get the buffalo pizza dip, I'm going to kill myself. They treat the proprietary value of these Trader Joe's. It's Big Joe. It's Big Joe. These Trader Joe's schmears are coveted. Shmear? If you go in the Franklin Mint lockup, it's Trader Joe's schmears. It's a joke. And it's like, this is the black olive and hot pickle honey ice cream. It's sort of like the shit at Ross. The impulse aisle shit at Ross. Oh. The popcorn flavored gum. The freaky shit, bitch.

47:23Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, the peanut butter remote controllers. It's like you can lick it and change the channel. Oh, my God. My hair tie tastes like hot and candy.

47:32Trixie Mattel:Weird shit. Weird shit. My jelly flavored sandals. Trader, can I tell you about Trader Joe's? You will get body checked trying to get your Ograt and potatoes. Do you understand? The aggressiveness, the behavior. The behavior. There needs to be couples therapy for Trader Joe's.

47:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Trader Giotto's therapy.

47:55Trixie Mattel:What I do like about Trader Joe's is you can get her, it's kind of like Gelson's where it's small. You can get her on the store quickly. You go to these big stores. It's nice and small. Woodman's is the back rooms.

48:04Katya Zamolodchikova:You, you, you, you, you, you, there's nice and small with no food in there.

48:08Trixie Mattel:What about Costco, though?

48:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, that's a whole nother animal. That's not even on the same level. Trader Joe's has approximately 1 ,700 bottles of wine and no food. I'm sorry. Is this a liquor store? I swear to God. It's true. I'm only talking about the one in WeHo on 8 ,000 Sunset. It's true. It's true. It's true. True. And now you know the truth. What do you know about this one? Pump. Get up. Oh, my God. you walk in there, you're like, how many boxes of wine did you need today, ma 'am? Or how many giant jugs of Chardonnay? I was just looking for pickles. No. We don't have it.

48:42Trixie Mattel:And you know what else they got at Trader Joe's, too? It's like, I'm looking for... Wait, wait, wait. I'm looking for a Reese's peanut butter cup brand. Like, the brand of the... I'm looking for this brand. What we do have is six pound bags of Trader Joe's brand Circus Peanuts. or black licorice. They got weird shit. I know.

49:05Katya Zamolodchikova:And then I... I hate circus peanuts. I hate them.

49:09Trixie Mattel:What are they?

49:10Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, they're like orange, chewy.

49:13Trixie Mattel:What's the flavor of a circus peanut? Is it trying to be like nutty or something? Is it a real peanut?

49:17Katya Zamolodchikova:Or is it a candy? It's marshmallow.

49:19Trixie Mattel:It is not a marshmallow. Oh, those are just...

49:23Katya Zamolodchikova:That is such a lie. They're horrible. It's like non-pareils. Just don't make them. Don't make them. What's a non-pareil? It's a shit ass faux candy.

49:33Trixie Mattel:They're banana flavored. That's a fucking lie.

49:36Katya Zamolodchikova:No, they are. They call it a circus peanut because they're clowns over there. But then once you, if you do manage to find any non-liquor items at Trader Joe's and you want to go to the checkout, what is the protocol? Girl, there's no counter. There's no bags. What is the, no, no. What is the protocol? Do I wait back there? Do I go up to a thing? They're all flat. But the way I've been clowned and humiliated every single time, every single time I try to make some kind of, like I try to get in some kind of line or I kind of try to wait my turn. I'm like very, very conscious. I don't have my headphones in.

50:11Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? People are flagging you or not flagging you. All of a sudden people was like, oh, hello. Hello.

50:17Trixie Mattel:You're just trying to get your dark, extra dark pretzels and leave.

50:20Katya Zamolodchikova:And I wanted the milk chocolate. Right. But like how many goblets of burgundy did you need, Carlo Rossi?

50:26Trixie Mattel:Oh, have you ever gone to the grocery store? Have you ever ordered carry out for holiday food from grocery stores? Okay. I have recently been exposed to this where instead of your family cooking, somebody just goes and picks up 10. Chickens. Not chickens, but like. Turkeys. It's like a la carte. We're going to have a family size serving of mashed potatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you order ahead of time. Even if you pick it up.

50:49Katya Zamolodchikova:It's the ultimate betrayal.

50:49Trixie Mattel:No, it's like a line around the store. People are breathless. Oh, God. Last time I picked up, though. Was it at Gelson's? We forgot something. Was it at Gelson's? No, it was out of state. Okay. We forgot something. Fresh time, fresh market, fresh time market or whatever. Trans person recognized me.

51:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Gave you a free box of wine.

51:08Trixie Mattel:Didn't just give me the hookup, but something from my order was missing. Ran out to the parking lot, found me, and made sure I had it. Pete Hegseth wants to give hormone replacement therapy. No. Pete Hegseth wants to give testosterone therapy to people in the army, but they don't want to make sure that trans people in this country have access to hormone therapy.

51:28Katya Zamolodchikova:They don't want to make sure Trader Joe's stuck their house with food.

51:31Trixie Mattel:They don't. Pete Hegg says it's behind that too. RFK. Everything's going to be... RFK needs to go out on Trader Joe's and do something.

51:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. He needs to...

51:39Trixie Mattel:What if the red M &M's were white?

51:42Katya Zamolodchikova:What if it's in the box so white and we had food? What if we...

51:46Trixie Mattel:I gotta go. No, it's horrible. We gotta go talk about All Stars on the Peace Lur.

51:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh yeah, we do. But before we do that, thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you

51:57Trixie Mattel:When will they know how to clap That's what I had a dream about I had a dream about RuPaul saying everyone say love Oh chilling It was a dark room and she was standing there going Everybody say love

52:12Katya Zamolodchikova:Thank you

52:39Katya Zamolodchikova:We'll see you next time.

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