In short
Maria Bamford talks with Trixie about comedy and performance—how audiences shape shows, why “bombing” can be survivable, and how boundaries (distance from gigs, sleep, money asks) protect mental health. They also trade stories about filming/TV production, heckling vs disability, and food/health anxieties.
Guests (and backgrounds)
Maria Bamford is a comedian, writer, director, and producer known for specials (including Local Act filmed in Altadena) and for her work across TV/animation and comedy. She says she has schizoaffective disorder and discusses medication needs. Trixie (host) is a comedian/drag performer and co-host with Katya (Katya is hospitalized during the recording).
Key claims
“The audience is the show” (clowning philosophy). You can bomb anywhere, so why drive (she limits gigs to near home unless paid well). Corporate gigs and non-paying asks often come with love-bombing and no structure. Sleep and mental health matter; show schedules can be harmful.
Notable examples
Misreading a heckler as cerebral palsy; Maria’s $0-to-$10k commencement speech negotiation at University of Minnesota; 9 a.m. neighborhood shows with donuts; Maria’s bald period during eating-disorder/depression treatment; Worst Cooks for You production pressure and long turnaround.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOThe Ice Cream Obsession
0:00 to 0:52
Discussion on the unique qualities of Jenny's ice cream.
“Most ice cream is good, but not Jenny's.”
Maria's Schizoaffective Disorder
1:41 to 3:14
Maria discusses her diagnosis and the filming of her special.
“Is this your way of telling us that you've been seeing people?”
Creative Processes in Comedy
3:14 to 4:48
Maria shares her experiences with her special and the role of executive producers.
“The show is also a producer, movie director, writer.”
The Humiliation of Performance
4:48 to 6:38
Exploration of the emotional challenges faced by comedians during performances.
“It's like up the shot, up the neck, handstand, upside down.”
Understanding Audience Dynamics
6:38 to 8:02
Discussion on audience reactions and their implications for performers.
“Well, it was the part that he liked to do a lot of nudity on stage.”
The Corporate Gig Life
8:02 to 9:50
Maria and Trixie talk about the challenges of corporate gigs and mental health conventions.
“Somebody was making sounds, I guess, and they were a fan.”
Negotiating Performance Fees
9:50 to 14:00
Maria recounts her experience negotiating payment for a commencement speech.
“Like almost like a cloud of like surreal depersonalization.”
The Journey to Payment
14:00 to 14:44
Learn about the struggle and importance of valuing one's work in comedy.
“And yeah, I'm sure it was very Minnesotan.”
Unexpected Commencement Speech
14:44 to 15:30
Discover the unique experience of giving away money during a commencement speech.
“isn't zero 10 000 is a far away from zero and then i didn't know what to write about for the speech So I just wrote about the process of getting the money.”
The High School Dream
15:30 to 17:02
Hear about the humorous aspirations of making a high school speech.
“But I have not been asked to do any other commencement speeches since then.”
Show all 39 chapters
Midwest Love and Identity
17:02 to 18:13
Explore the connection to Midwest roots and the desire for home.
“Like all my friends are somewhere on the edge of unhousedness on some level.”
Cultural Differences in Relationships
18:13 to 19:46
Understand the cultural challenges in romantic relationships and personal growth.
“I mean, like I did have certain dreams coming through where I was able to buy a house, which is unbelievable in L.A.”
The Power of Being Bald
19:46 to 21:06
Reflect on the experiences and perceptions of being a bald woman.
“And then it was also saved by Trump supporters, garden hoses and super soakers.”
Embracing Aging Naturally
21:06 to 23:10
Discuss the journey of aging gracefully and rejecting societal pressures.
“And I feel cars kind of like, I don't know if they're looking, but I can tell you I'm not looking back.”
The Stand-Up Comedy Journey
23:10 to 25:56
Learn about the challenges faced by stand-up comedians in their early careers.
“And I was going to, I shaved my head and I was bald for probably three years.”
The Importance of Supportive Partners
25:56 to 28:00
Discover the dynamics of touring with a supportive comedy partner.
“But as you know, recovery, not a straight line.”
The Power of Trust in Performance
28:00 to 28:38
Learn how trust influences performance dynamics between partners.
“Because she's so powerful and an incredible stand up.”
Tales from the Stage: Comedy Challenges
28:38 to 29:39
Hear personal stories of performing under challenging conditions.
“And we're going to give them what they want.”
Food and Comedy: A Delicious Connection
29:39 to 30:19
Discover the relationship between food and comedic experiences.
“I used to work at Hamburger Mary's and there was nothing like having a kind of good show and making a little money and be like, let's go for those Southwest egg rolls.”
Nostalgia for School Cafeteria Meals
30:19 to 31:04
Explore nostalgic feelings towards school cafeteria food.
“Oh, last night I went to this place called La Vita Cantina, which is across from the Scientology Celebrity Center.”
Lunch Ladies and Grilled Cheese
31:04 to 31:51
Discuss the unique cooking techniques of lunch cafeteria staff.
“You think my mother was going to make me those?”
Navigating Fame and Vulnerability
32:05 to 34:25
Understand the complicated emotions surrounding fame and recognition.
“You know, people, you know, Chapel Row and the artist.”
The Pressure of Show Business
34:25 to 37:37
Examine the demands and pressures faced in the entertainment industry.
“She was like, she looks like she has the body of an 11-year-old girl.”
Finding Balance and Acceptance
37:37 to 41:52
Learn about the importance of balance and acceptance in life and work.
“The one thing I was able to, I got a 12 hour turnaround for myself.”
Exploring Career Fulfillment
42:01 to 42:28
The discussion revolves around the balance between passion, fun, and financial stability in a career.
“And I mean I'm always willing to do something else for a living too for myself.”
Maria's Experience as a Crisis Operator
42:28 to 43:36
Maria shares insights about her training and experiences as a crisis hotline operator.
“You know, I've trained to be a 988 operator to the suicide hotline.”
The Importance of Listening
43:36 to 44:08
The hosts discuss the significance of listening to others, especially in times of distress.
“And, you know, yeah, there's been a breakup and they just feel depressed.”
Dog Rescue and Training Challenges
44:08 to 45:55
Maria talks about her experiences with dogs and the challenges of dog training and rescue.
“Shout out to Scout, who I'm sure has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.”
Navigating Food Preferences and Social Events
45:55 to 47:20
The conversation shifts to food preferences, dietary restrictions, and socializing at events.
“But birds, when they have long emotional lives like that, can have emotional problems and behavioral problems.”
Reflections on Personal Choices
47:20 to 49:48
The hosts reflect on their eating habits, alcohol consumption, and the nuances of personal choices.
“And I'm not a foodie in that I'm a friend.”
The Humor in Dietary Restrictions
49:48 to 51:16
The discussion includes humorous takes on dietary restrictions and food-related events.
“But also they had no alcohol and there wasn't enough food.”
Cultural Observations in Film
51:16 to 54:04
The hosts analyze cultural themes and observations from popular films like Fast and Furious.
“Sometimes you go somewhere like that and you don't eat because you think it's going to be a food event.”
Driving and Street Racing
54:04 to 56:00
Maria and her co-host discuss experiences and perceptions of driving and street racing culture.
“yeah what's anyone's practicing like no one's going into a church but yeah there's a cross heavily depicted and everything.”
Street Racing and Personal Connections
56:00 to 57:38
The hosts discuss the concept of street racing and personal anecdotes about their lives and experiences with fans.
“I always assume it's people who've had mental health challenges is my fan base.”
Pugs and Their Unique Traits
57:38 to 59:00
Maria shares her love for pugs and their quirky behaviors, highlighting her pets' personalities.
“You've never done a pride or like a grand marshal of a pride party?”
The Challenges of Pet Ownership
59:00 to 1:00:36
The conversation shifts to the emotional and financial challenges of pet ownership, particularly in Los Angeles.
“No, I want to know that that dog is into me.”
Reflecting on Life and Health
1:00:36 to 1:02:07
The hosts reflect on health, aging, and the decisions surrounding the care of aging pets and people.
“You go into the vet and they go, well, we've looked at your 17-year-old cat and it's going to be$40 ,000 to do exploratory surgery.”
Maria's Comedy and Accessibility
1:02:07 to 1:02:30
Maria discusses her approach to comedy and how she connects with fans who may not have financial means to attend her shows.
Creative Insights and Acknowledgments
1:02:30 to 1:03:04
The hosts share insights about creativity and acknowledge the contributions of their colleague Katya.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Trixie Mattel:Most ice cream is good, but not Jenny's. Jenny's ice cream is more like an obsession. What you get from over two decades of tasting and tweaking and throwing it out and starting over, chasing flavors until they feel alive. That might sound crazy, and that's because it is. Jenny's. Often imitated, never duplicated, always splendid.
0:52Trixie Mattel:it. Hi, it's Trixie. You're going to notice that this is an episode that was filmed several weeks ago when Katya was literally hospitalized. And I was like, who can we have as a guest? And we did not only luck out, we thrived because Maria Bamford is the guest. If you guys know Maria, you are a brilliant mind with an impeccable taste. If you don't, your titties are about to be blown off. She's so funny. She's so incredible. But like I said, Katya is actively in the hospital during this episode. So the reason I've seemed kind of cagey about where she is is because I didn't want to spill her tea.
1:24Trixie Mattel:Katya has survived since the taping of this. And we'll be back next week with our regular Trixie and Katya content. And for those of you concerned, we have been moving studios this week. They are actively reconstructing our studio. This set I know is not everyone's most creative peak. But thank you guys for your patience. And don't forget, we can look like shit anywhere. So stay tuned. So this is Maria Bamford.
1:49Trixie Mattel:The audience is going to freak out. What? Or can you see them here? Do you see them? Is it live? Okay. Do you see people here? I was like... I know. What is technology? Maria's like, look at everyone. Wow. Is this your way of telling us that you've been seeing people? I have schizoaffective disorder, which is a good diagnosis, and you just need the right meds. Oh, my God. I just watched your special from, is it two years ago? Local. Yeah. Oh, local act. Local act. Yeah. That one. Where did you film that? It was in Altadena. So that whole theater burnt down. And yeah. Do you have an alibi? No, it was.
2:31And the fire was my fault, but it was more because of my vision board. Right. And that's that my vision board. How many people?
2:38Trixie Mattel:That must have been like 40 people in there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Which is huge upgrade from your you're special with just your parents just my parents yeah i yeah i had a vision for that one where i was just like oh i just want to do something in my actual neighborhood and uh and then also get get a bunch of people on stage like because at the end i put up people as if it's an open mic so everyone gets their own special yeah and then everyone got an executive producer credit who wanted one because i think that's so fucking funny in la where they be like oh he's an executive producer oh who's that like he's never been here i've never met him yeah that does happen katina had a show on viceland called tricksy and katia show on viceland and i guess is spike jones the name producer not spike lee spike jones spike jones that's like it was spike lee martial arts it was spike lee spike spike lee is a i'm not connected okay everybody i know has a fake name Everyone's a drag queen is a fake queen.
3:39The show is also a producer, movie director, writer. Spike Lee is Abe Black. And he is the one that does like you do it.
3:48Trixie Mattel:And who's Ang Lee? I'm just kidding. But RuPaul and Spike Jones were the producer of that show. And it was like, we shot it in a set about this big with like five people. And that's when I learned that you could be a producer on something and not even know it. Yeah. You could win an Emmy and not know. No, no. Yeah. I just think it's so funny. Yeah. So I had like 70 executive producers on that one. Did they all come up and do like a 30 second bit? It was just anyone who signed up could be an executive producer. So some people didn't perform. But then some people, yeah, did perform at the end. And then, yeah.
4:26Anyways, that was, you know, it turned out as it turned out. I wish I had done some things differently, but it's okay. Thank you for watching or checking it out.
4:36Trixie Mattel:Of course. I've seen everything you've ever done. Okay. I have a question about when you used to make, was it called the Maria Bamford show? Did you tape that yourself? No. That was done by a guy named Demon Jones who worked with the Groundlings. I loved all your angles. It's like up the shot, up the neck, handstand, upside down. Yeah. He was really all that. So it was all his doing. Yeah. Yeah. He was a, let's just say it, genius or let's just say very good. Or interested in trying a lot of things with the camera. Tried a lot of things with the camera. Yeah. He was super nice. And yeah, we were paired together and paid by Super Deluxe, which at the time.
5:18Trixie Mattel:I remember, girl, I have a Super Deluxe story that I don't think I've ever told. Oh, great. And I will tell you because I feel, you know, whatever, parasocial, but with a capital P, I think we've been friends in my mind for about two or three decades. And we all are. We all are. Especially if you've been... I mean, I feel like with other comedians, I feel like there's this sense of knowing. Like we've all been through, I assume that drag, that you can go through awful things that you'll never forget. You'll just never forget. And that they keep coming. like there's always a new precipitous low where you're like wow i did not see that you know yes happening and then um in some ways i feel like veteran comedians are the only ones who will understand the deep humiliation of drag like really where it's like were you that car ride home where you're like should i jerk the wheel yeah is it my fault or the audience's fault you go to bed my favorite thing is that audience was whatever and then in the sobering light of the morning you go that show was all my fault it's really it's audience fault or my fault but it's 100 % at either given moment it's yeah I don't have you met anybody who does clowning which is so hot yes have you done this I've taken a couple clown classes I used to date a clown in Australia I did know this yeah so did you know he was a clown oh yes you knew very serious What tipped you off?
6:54Trixie Mattel:Was it the little hat? Well, it was the part that he liked to do a lot of nudity on stage. Oh. Clowning is stand-up is with nudity, crying, and a considerable lack of consent. And, yeah, he loved nudity. And what else did he love? But one of the philosophies or the thing I've gotten from clowning is that the audience is the show. So it's not on the performer. The performer, it's not up to you. You're the channel. for the audience. I was like, oh, that's so fascinating because stand-up is more defensive. Like, I gotta have the stuff and then you be quiet. But yeah, so it's, I don't know where I'm going with that, but just.
7:40Trixie Mattel:Oh my God, I saw on your special, you talked about, you had a lovely fan who perhaps was battling,
7:50Trixie Mattel:had perhaps a disorder and you didn't know and you thought you were being heckled. Oh, yes. Kind of a fun thing to find out later, right? Oh, yes. What did you say exactly? I cannot remember, but was somebody laughing really loud? Somebody was making sounds, I guess, and they were a fan. Yeah, cerebral palsy. And you thought you were being heckled. Yeah, cerebral palsy. Yeah. And I've heard that's a very common thing for comics. It's like where somebody, or as Tourette's, or something where you're like, oh, my God, what's happening? and you act from a place of fear and defensiveness rather than just curiosity of like, what's going on?
8:31Like, that's weird. Somebody just shouted out, bullshit.
8:35Trixie Mattel:And at the end of the day, hey, they came to a live show. They came. Thank you. They bought a ticket. Yeah. And isn't that why you go to live shows? So you can see shit pop off. Pop off, really. I feel that, I feel like we're in this era of comedy that is so, two important parts of it, which is crowd work and filming that crowd work. The audience, and that I feel like sometimes brings out what you just said, which is the audience is the show. But I know what you're saying because when I first started DJing, I really thought it was all about me and this technology and these songs. It literally is basically about the people dancing.
9:15Trixie Mattel:Yeah, the vibe. The vibe. Yeah, yeah. Your job is to really cue up the vibe, like tee them up and then their experience is the whole thing right yeah no totally and to radically accept wherever they're at you know because sometimes i would go i go these people are quiet and it is and it is personal and it's like no let irvine be irvine right sometime irvine on wednesday night is a little tight tight right they've been at work all day it's seven o 'clock it might as well be midnight yeah do you do when you do shows around town do you do secret little pop-ups or do you advertise a lot and do little pop-ups yeah no no no i do uh 9 a.m shows every tuesday that i'm in town uh in my neighborhood it's less than i think six blocks from my own home that it's my ideal show uh i think that's one thing about getting older is you go oh i don't have to do certain things anymore that i know aren't going to work uh i don't perform uh any more than two miles from my home unless it's for over a certain amount of money because i can bomb anywhere so why drive why drive right and in la traffic right it could be hours in the car oh you want to come to west hollywood and take your chances no not really i can i can take a block from here like i have had some and i know something i know that you probably experienced too is um the the corporate gig life where you like, whoa, that will send you home in the car in almost like a fugue state.
10:51Trixie Mattel:Oh God. Like almost like a cloud of like surreal depersonalization. Yeah. And there's some, the gratitude in being so harshly rejected by a certain form is actually - People in lanyards. Is really good because then you go, okay, now I don't have to do this. Like on some level, like I remember I did Vegas a couple of times back in the day when I was a much, much younger lady. And sometimes, you know, when it used to be no one would look you up and it would just be your headshot, you'd go, oh, she's blonde and white. Let's check it out. Like, what are you guys doing? And I just do so poorly, so awful.
11:32And yeah, but I did so poorly that it's like, oh, I don't have to go there anymore. Like, I'm hurting them and it's definitely hurting me so uh stop the madness you know there's some kind of nice boundary that's set with that like corporate gigs like no one walked away a winner yeah no one i was once uh i got asked to um it was like a mental health convention i'm like i have a feeling this is not good because the person who hires you of course is a huge fan the people they're trying to get interested or could entertain are not you know like if it's for i don't do benefits anymore for that reason because do a show do your own benefit yeah yeah or i'll just give me fucking money yeah i'll give you three grand you know if if it's something i believe in i will not give it
12:22Trixie Mattel:uh to certain things well i know that some things you will like i remember you talking about when you got to speak at a college back in duluth i believe and you were talking about how they didn't want to give you money at first i love this business story and i feel like you need to educate the children on how to how to turn a no-paying gig into something well i sometimes you get these enormous opportunities and this happens over and over again and i think it fits for every business where someone's like we really love what you do and we'd love to be working with you and there's this whole love bombing that goes on in the beginning uh in any narcissistic situation and then there's no talk of money, there's no talk of structure of what's gonna happen.
13:06Trixie Mattel:What the ask is. What the ask is, yeah. And so my alma mater asked me, do you wanna do a commencement speech for the College of Liberal Arts at the University of Minnesota, which is probably like, I'm gonna say it was like 2 ,000 for people, 2 ,000 people graduating. and um in an arena for 30 minutes and that's something i'd have to write and they said zero they said just nothing and i was like i looked it up i'm like what do people get paid for to come as my speeches and then they said sometimes on the google said sometimes zero if it's somebody who's a political person because they're doing it as as a public service um but many people charge that, you know, it's$50 ,000 to$100 ,000 or whatever.
13:56So I asked for$20 ,000. And yeah, I'm sure it was very Minnesotan. And the response was like, well, we really don't have a budget for this. And I'm like, the joke is, like, I paid you guys to teach me how to get paid to do what I'm doing.
14:20Trixie Mattel:Yeah. And you're not going to pay me? like so what are we talking about how are we grading my experience here yeah if it means i can't go in the world and get the money yeah if i if you're not willing to pay me if i'm not willing to stand up for myself and go oh yeah my work's worth something aren't i kind of being the worst alumni ever hello so then uh then they came back with 10 i was like okay that's great 10 000 which isn't zero 10 000 is a far away from zero and then i didn't know what to write about for the speech So I just wrote about the process of getting the money. And then. I always talk about that at colleges.
14:56Trixie Mattel:I will tell them. I'm like, I love. I'm so happy to be here. Just so you guys know, your money is going to a good place. Because a lot of times, I mean, I get paid more sometimes at colleges than it cost me to go to college. Right. So I'm like, oh, my God. I should have skipped college and just done this. Yeah. Yeah. No offense to college because I do like education. Well, and I enjoyed college. I did too. They probably enjoyed you. They brought you back. Well, what happened then at the end of my speech, the closer, was I gave all the money away to kids in the audience to pay down their student loans.
15:30Yes, nice. But I have not been asked to do any other commencement speeches since then. It could happen. No, I don't think so. I'm not, yeah.
15:41Trixie Mattel:Maybe a high school. Maybe. I'm going to go to a high school. I'm going to start whipping MacBook Pros into the audience or something. I don't like something. I went to a function once where they were honoring some graduating class. It was some kind of like Hollywood Reporter luncheon. And they were honoring like a graduating class. And like, I think it was Selena Gomez came out and gifted them all like laptops. And then she cried. And I didn't cry. I was in drag eating a salad. And I was like, this is cool. I mean, I would have loved a free computer if I was a kid. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'd love one now.
16:12Yeah.
16:13Trixie Mattel:I'd be screaming. Screaming. And run into the parking lot. You know why I also think we know each other? Because I'm your neighbor from Wisconsin. Where in Wisconsin are you from? I'm from Northeast Wisconsin. It's almost like by the UP. Okay. I've traveled further. I have not spent much time in my life in, what is it? Western Wisconsin, which is next to Minnesota. Yes, Superior. People think Milwaukee is in Minnesota. Why do you think that is? Because those people are not smart. Way to make it feel like a real flyover country. yeah that's not right who are the who are these people you're talking to people they think that minnesota is minneapolis which is milwaukee i think they think that's all one word yeah it's not right that's not right i mean there what can you do to change people nothing nothing my assistant is from milwaukee too and we always say um was the midwest is a great place to be from do you like to go home and build a fantasy oh i love it and i love uh i i have thought many times of, you know, moving back just because it's like you go, oh, you know, I love L.A., but there is the grind because it surrounds you.
17:24Like all my friends are somewhere on the edge of unhousedness on some level. Like all my friends like are like, I got rent again. OK, now we just got to start at zero. Like it is fucking serious to live here. Like it is. Yeah. Yeah.
17:42Trixie Mattel:So Katya, she's constantly on this. pod being like well i'm in dire straits again i had to re-wallpaper the bathroom yeah yes i'm gonna have to get in drag she loves to rent an apartment and move that bus make it over and then doesn't own it and like moves i don't know what she's doing no no and like and uh yeah and it's it is this strange place where it's like there's these uh fantasy goals of like people where things genuinely do happen for people where, I mean, like I did have certain dreams coming through where I was able to buy a house, which is unbelievable in L.A. Especially in L.A. I mean, come on.
18:24Yeah.
18:30Trixie Mattel:It's like math. McDonald's is now introducing all new Caesar sauce, plus an even crispier McCrispie strip. This all equals a creamier, creamy snack wrap. Try the new Caesar sauce at McDonald's. It was your house in Lady Dynamite. Was it your real house? No, no, no. I guess it's your amazing performance that I believed it was your house. Yes, it was my performance that led to your belief. Well, you know that reality stars and all, I've heard that the Kardashian people have a house they move into while filming. That's not their house. I bet. What kind of reality is that? Well, it makes sense because otherwise if you have people watching the show who are obsessed, I would think they would know.
19:13Yeah. They would know where everything is. Yeah.
19:16Trixie Mattel:Because you're like, you're on TV being like, this is my shoe closet. And someone's at home like, uh-huh. Like back door window. Great. Yeah. Oh, she works during the day. Perfect. Right. You're kind of giving people instructions on how to rob you. Yeah. We don't want that to happen to you. No, no. I don't want. Yeah. I don't know. I don't have anything to rob. There's nothing. They could take Scott. Well, we're divorced. Oh, okay. Perfect. Well. Anybody out there who's looking for a hot guy in his 60s, he's he's he's available. He's up there. He's up in our old house. We were in the fire. So our house got slightly singed.
19:48And then it was also saved by Trump supporters, garden hoses and super soakers.
19:54Trixie Mattel:And so that's the only guns I support. Right. The water guns, the water guns, the right to bear arms, the water guns. But yeah, we we will love each other and our dear friends and all that stuff. but uh that's what i i feel that way um people always think i'm crazy because i always say if i died tomorrow everybody i've been in a relationship with would be in like the front row yes i just really feel like the the venn diagram of the things i love about you is still so intact yes and the romance part people just i i never relate when people are like my ex i don't speak to etc I just have a I hope it's healthy but I always feel connected to them well and it's like like a sibling you become like a sibling yeah and it's family at a certain point you know like after I mean we've been we were together 11 years it's um and you you know you know the person on day two of dating them you know them you kind of get the sense of who they are and I think both of us made the mistake of thinking you know i'm gonna change you and then instead we both doubled down kind of has a different outcome because he's he's from philadelphia and i'm from minnesota which are just two very different cultures he's like you gotta you know toughen up and figure out that you know uh give the finger to people you know while you're driving a car and i'm like no everyone's our friend are you kidding i'm afraid to even look at other drivers oh i know yeah i'm afraid to look at other drivers i was driving yesterday and i had makeup on because i was going to a rehearsal girl i had to do it we had to do a rehearsal where i had to wear costumes and the wigs and for me wearing the wigs with the costume with the body on with no makeup is so humiliating so i was like i know i'm sound crazy but i'm gonna put makeup on to go to the rehearsal because i don't know so i'm driving with just the makeup on which is like a some strong chinese opera Uber driver.
21:59Trixie Mattel:And I feel cars kind of like, I don't know if they're looking, but I can tell you I'm not looking back. So I'm just like, because I can feel, you know, from the side that the makeup is so... Pinocchio. It's serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They are probably gonna... It's beautifully done, may I say. Do you do your own glam? Oh, yes. You do? I know I'm not. You are, you're such, you're so beautiful. And I loved, I think it was like two specials ago, you had like a pink streak in your hair yes did you do that for fun yes of course love whimsy okay was it clipped or was it real no it was real that's great and i yeah i um yeah i don't as i old i'm just i'm aging as natural as i old i'm i'm just rolling into it like i'm not doing any of the any of the injections or or the just because i just think i if it's going to be hard to age anyways let's just go you know balls to the wall right into it like do you know kristen shaw i i don't i i know her from work she came on the pod and she said i'm just she said i'm just naturally letting my face hit my collarbones and that like killed us absolutely killed us i don't i i really like i always asked comics when they do special stuff i always wonder if there's a glam team or if there's a lot of fussing and i'm just thinking of i've seen all your specials and you've had so many hair journeys you used to have like a short really blonde like news hair yeah news hair kind of fun yeah no listen sassy and wild i'm listen i'm ready to try anything and yeah there's somehow i get because of ocd i'll get this feeling that i'm dirty and unattractive no matter what i do and so that's hair is part of that where i go i'll change it with my hair and i won't feel dirty I won't feel wrong.
23:50Right. And I was going to, I shaved my head and I was bald for probably three years. Wait a minute.
23:56Trixie Mattel:Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How did I not know this? Yeah. This really is the bald and the beautiful. Yes, I know. I was so glad because I was like, oh my gosh. Was it for fashion or was it? It was when I was starting doing comedy in Minneapolis. I was in 2022. too. And I, yeah, I was going through a treatment program for eating disorder and depression and all that stuff. And I was just like, I just felt like I just wanted to cut it all off, get it all off. Partially too, because being bald as a woman really is a protective device. Yeah. Like nobody bugs you. Like they either think you're gay, you're ill, or you're pissed.
24:36and you really are maybe all three all three we're not both i do think it communicates a certain
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24:42Trixie Mattel:amount of um i think if you ultimately i'm trying to i mean i've never been a woman i bet i play one on tv i don't know about that i think if i really wanted men to leave me the fuck alone on public transit i would think a shaved head maybe adds just another shell of like yeah another percent of people might not fucking stare at you or bother you it was so helpful like i because what happens in stand-up i think in the beginning is and i know what still happens where guys guys will kind of go you know i had a couple of ideas for you uh i wanted to comment on your act you know when you start and it's like yeah especially for the girls yeah nobody nobody comes up i'm gonna shut that down i'm bald and i'm about to go up there and do my thing so dude were you doing stand-up bald oh yeah and i have i had there's pictures of it on instagram of me uh in my bald state and i had headshots i was very beautiful as a bald person and i also busked for for change on the streets of minneapolis while playing violin uh while bald i did i think it did i didn't look good because uh sometimes i got pretty good big donations from people like people are like is everything okay and i'm like yeah i'm fine i'm living in a women's co-op no i believe it i can always say that every time katia goes it comes out of rehab her booking fee doubles like really it's like people are like take all the time you need right you know what we're gonna send you a little more money don't even come to the show yeah just sit up do you want to borrow my peacock subscription you know like people oh is she on a journey of recovery sort of thing She right now had, she was, she just got out of the hospital from a surgery.
26:25Trixie Mattel:Oh, shit. But as you know, recovery, not a straight line. Yes, yes. So we joke because she and I live it together. No, of course. You know, so we have to. We're all on a fantastic journey. I tour with my dear friend Jackie Haitian, who is from South Milwaukee. Yes, I do know that she's open, not open for you, she's toured with you for. Forever. Forever. Well, she is ride or die. she is uh when i started touring um you know i was put as a headliner and did not have any headline experience i did not have i had maybe 25 minutes and just head shave experience yeah i had headshot experience where i was like oh um i look i look cute anybody want me in a mall improv and uh yes what's with the comedy clubs in the malls oh it's so gross i have been to those and I'm like, will you see fans lined up next to the Orange Julius and you're like, we're in the mall.
27:21Trixie Mattel:We're doing shows in the mall. I guess it's fine. It's totally fine. I'm grateful that the clubs are there. I have some terrible memories of what happened, like my first five to ten years of doing stand-up where I was doing those shows and because there was pre-internet, people didn't know what they're coming to see. So I would do so badly And that's where heckling comes in, where people are like, I have two drinks in and now I'm trapped here for 45 minutes. So my friend Jackie would tour with me. If I was doing really badly during the week, she'd switch places and she had mine. Because she's so powerful and an incredible stand up.
28:07Please check out her special. It's on YouTube called Altercation. It just got one of the top five New York Times specials of the year. She's fantastic. And a lot of South Milwaukee talk.
28:22Trixie Mattel:I do think there's a lot of partnership because Katya and I, when we were together, when you have that level of trust and like interior eye communication, she and I would always joke that it was like kind of like the substance that only one of us could be like into the show that night at once. so we'd have to kind of walk in the read the room and pick which one of us was going to be like come on girl we got this because one of us would be like walk up and be like i need you to like i need you to leave the ship tonight yeah yeah yeah you have to drag me with you i'm the dead weight today and we would kind of trade off but honestly we would rarely have it's a little bit like a relationship where when there's crisis when one of you's in crisis the other one becomes superman yeah yeah yeah totally totally if one of us was like today's just not the day for the show The other one would be like, girl, we're going to go out there, girl.
29:08Trixie Mattel:And we're going to give them what they want. You know, you have to like. Jackie was with me in Erie, Pennsylvania. And I was headlining. And the main part of the audience was retirement from the Navy of an old man in his 60s. I don't know what's going on. Anyways, I do so poorly. I get off the stage. Tears just start streaming down my face. And Jackie's like, get her some chicken wings. Get her some chicken wings. Get her the chicken tendies. She needs the chicken tendies. Although, shout out to the Comedy Club food one time. Right. I used to work at Hamburger Mary's and there was nothing like having a kind of good show and making a little money and be like, let's go for those Southwest egg rolls.
29:50Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?
29:51Trixie Mattel:Get me the Britney Spears fried pickles. Bring them in here. You know what I mean? Bring me a little ramekin of ranch or whatever. You know, like, let's do it. I had recently in San Diego at a place called the mic drop. What were they called? They were called French dip nachos. Like, like what? Why? Why are we combining everything? But also delicious. I'm not against it. Oh, last night I went to this place called La Vita Cantina, which is across from the Scientology Celebrity Center. Oh, it's next to UCB. Oh, yeah. Over in Franklin Village. Okay. okay and they have a taco that is korean popcorn vegan korean popcorn chicken in the form of a taco and i was like we're doing too much crazy it was amazing it's amazing so sometimes i i'm just such a i'm a food fearful person yeah me too yeah because all my meals growing up were made by like my mom and the school cafeteria lady yeah i'm not like a traveled palette i love the school cafeteria food.
30:52I still think about that. I think about it. I think about the pizza. The rectangle of pizza.
30:57Trixie Mattel:Huge pizza. A pizza this big. Yeah. So good. I also think about the breakfast. Our school had breakfast. Oh, you did? Yeah. And we were forcing a free breakfast. Nice. French toast sticks. In the morning. That's nice. You think my mother was going to make me those? She's like, the milk's in the fridge, hoe. I tried to tell my mom how to make grilled cheese the way the lunch ladies told me to make it. I was like, here, mom you get this thing called crisco you get white bread you get velveta cheese you put you know crisco on all sides you put it in the in a pan and my mom's like honey i'm not gonna make that for you it's it's gross and i was like anyways but you know there's a reason lunch you know it's so good yeah it's so good it's because it's it's it's not really food
31:50Trixie Mattel:Hear that? That's now Crispy of McCrispy Strip meeting creamy Caesar sauce. Sounds extra crispy. Caesar sauce at McDonald's for a limited time. I have a question because I've been following you for so long and I'm such a mega super fan and supporter and lover. You know, people, you know, Chapel Row and the artist. Yes. People call her. She used to say, I'm your favorite artist, favorite artist. and it reminded me of something that colbert has said about you and so many comedians have said that maria's comedian's favorite comedian i know that's like crazy flattering yes i don't know dump it on you like a dump truck no that's very kind but how nice so nice so nice and i it's it my level of whatever it is of success or i am just hits the spot that's all i want i don't i don't feels the same way she she always talks about how she's like i get to have the experience of like having fans or traveling she's like but i can still like go to the airport yeah and the people who know you know you for a specific thing like that's actually quite vulnerable yes so that the people who come up and talk to you are very night you know nice it isn't sort of like i know you're from this one child i gotta go you know it's like because i remember i did i did target commercials and it was just like oh no i i don't want all these people to like me but it's not like but i will say this it's not like okay let's say you're in like a batman movie right someone might love robert pattinson what they really love is batman not the middle of robert pattinson but it's not like people were like oh i hate to bother you love target yeah do you know what i mean it's not like you were in a marvel franchise like well yeah love target the deals oh my god the impulse aisle but what but it was weird because it had so much emotional weight behind it because people would be like i shop just like her and i'm like oh no she's sad it's a super miserable character that has no friends if you notice and who is she buying gifts for it's never mentioned who she's buying gifts for because there's no one in her life did you feel seen by kristen wiggs target lady oh she probably gets that experience yeah totally totally yeah and i but i that that's i i haven't been able to nor have i been asked but uh to do advertisements because i don't trust myself i had to not shit talk shit talk products right well oh my god that's like you know i literally watched worst cooks for you oh you got me turning on shows that i didn't even know existed there well and the name says what it is it is and it it was uh yeah it was very uh latoya latoya and of course she's gonna win that fucking she is just a monster i mean there's you know people say what you say about child abuse but it really creates a great people people hit their marks you know I mean, that woman was on point.
34:56She was like, she looks like she has the body of an 11-year-old girl. And then just stayed, you know, upright, making jokes, being pleasant all day while eating pieces of candy. And that's all she was running on.
35:11Trixie Mattel:That's aspirational. Yeah. I was just like, I, in a definite whatever shadow of Miss Jackson, I was beneath a table lying down between takes. Can I tell you, everything I love to cook, anything about cooking, a camera for me would make me feel like the tension is up here. even if I am cooking a grilled cheese from the I don't like I don't even like if I make a new recipe I don't even like my boyfriend to be around I'm like I will mess this up don't look at me well what was so fucked up about Worst Cooks a show nobody watches is that people were really trying they were really cooking so like people were really hustling and doing a great job at cooking I'm like isn't this supposed to be hilarious it looks hard it's like we're all working in a I mean, I've worked in restaurants.
36:09It was like a 12-hour shift.
36:11Trixie Mattel:What they don't tell you is there's a dining room next door. They sell them that food. And that's the worst part. You cannot take your food home. The shit that you made, I said, can I bring this home to my hotel room so I could share it with my husband? They said, no, we can't let that offset. Why? I don't know. Of course, I did bring it home. I shoved it in my coat. And I said, never mind. And I ran out of there. You made it. who's in control of its destiny but you you made it i think it's just like some uh i mean i yeah it was one of those bananas show business things where they're like no we can't you can't speak of what happens on set like no but like nobody cares it was in 20 i think it was in your one of your specials yeah yeah i i appreciate your explicitness about that because it is a show where that when i watched it i was like this must be bananas well and it's non-union so they there's no one thing which i didn't realize they weren't going to give you an eight hour turnaround between so you do like a 13 14 hour day and then they go you're coming back in four hours that was like i mean that's like drag race yeah i'm not saying they're not respectful of our time but they are trying to do so much in one day and there i think there's a level of like going to bed at like midnight from a set and being like all right the band's coming at seven you're like what no no no i think that's i that is uh what's all it's the alcoholic part i think of show business where it's like you know you gotta be you know that's how it's always been done and it's like people die because of that people who are not getting enough sleep who are uh you know mentally you're not not totally there it's like one of the worst things to do for your mental health your body it's so corny the amount of time it took in my life to realize that if you don't have eight hours of sleep you have nothing yeah yeah you have nothing yeah and it's yeah i didn't make it i if if i ever were in well and i was in charge of my own show but i i couldn't seem to get I couldn't seem to get any traction on.
38:21The one thing I was able to, I got a 12 hour turnaround for myself. Nice. But not for anybody else. And yeah, that was
38:33Trixie Mattel:Two seasons, right? Two seasons, yeah. I loved that program. Yeah, yeah. Katya and I watched it when it came out, obviously, because we love you. And it really was like, I'd never seen anything like it and still haven't. Oh, yeah. So bizarre. And you had Bill Collins. I love Mo. Love. She's. What a beauty. Yeah, she's incredible. She's, yeah, and such a kind, lovely person. Yeah, everyone who was on there was just so sweet and so kind. And they made it really, I mean, they did the best that they could to try to make, because I have, I sleep like 12 hours. Like I sleep, because I'm on antipsychotics.
39:07And if you are on antipsychotics, you know, that you can't wake up before 10am, you know. and so what they would do is you know i'd just kind of roll out of bed and be brought to set and then i'd wake up a little bit while acting and then can we do my scenes where i'm in bed yeah sleeping early and they set up a tent where i could go in between takes and just like depressurize yeah well just genuinely fall completely asleep and be in between takes and uh yeah but they have the same pressure thing which i just think i know it's all about money but it all seems like to be a made-up pressure like i don't know yeah that when you're young you mutually
39:53Trixie Mattel:feel like i mean i'm i'm 36 but when i first moved out like 10 years ago like anything like that i so much of it for me was genuinely powered by like adrenaline and like not wanting to let anybody down and all that and then you do reach a point where you just start to shuffle your priorities and go like if i don't say that's too much for me no one else is going to say it and i also can't sit there and blame people who make money off for me you can't blame people who make money off you for how they schedule you yeah no no it is up to you it's up to me like i am the head of my own business and yeah no it's no one else is to blame except myself and yeah so i I definitely have learned.
40:34To do the 9 a.m. stand-up shows. Yeah. I love it. 9 a.m. is so perfect. I have the show done. And I give out free. I give out donuts. And they're not really free. Because people have to pay to get into the show. Although no one is turned away.
40:48Trixie Mattel:It sounds like you work at a donut shop. I do kind of work at a donut. Okay. There's no jokes. You mostly just make coffee and sell donuts. I sell donuts. And it's what I do with the rest of my family. um uh yeah so but yeah like i i get to design my own business and how it works and and sometimes that means i miss out on stuff like i go god i wish i wish i had the the strength to do uh you know uh yeah right direct produce my own series i mean this yeah i don't don't have it i really I think that there's also like peace and acceptance of like, I have like an autoimmune arthritis. And when that started, I had to just go like, well, either can like try to do what I used to do and be constantly disappointed that I can't do what I used to do.
41:43Trixie Mattel:Or I can try to really like be a little bit radical and be like, this is what I can do. And then it becomes about quality over quantity. Yes. Yeah. I do think you find yourself out of necessity really dumping yourself into things that like you really want. Yes. Or pay the best or both. Both. Both. Yeah. That it has to. And yeah. Yep. Is it going to be fun? Is it going to fulfill me? Is it going to be good money? Ideally all three. Ideally all three. And I mean I'm always willing to do something else for a living too for myself. Like I go, if it came down to like, I, you know, I couldn't do what I, I enjoy doing.
42:27Like I have other skills. You know, I've trained to be a 988 operator to the suicide hotline. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, yeah.
42:37Trixie Mattel:Your fans are going to start calling. Right. They'll get you. Is this Maria? No. Click. Who dis?
42:47Trixie Mattel:Hello, this is Maria. Although sometimes I bet they have fake names. And I only think that because in the movie Scream 3, Nev Campbell, Sydney, have you ever watched a Scream movie? I have not. It's too scary. That's how they get you. And they don't tell you that in the name, Scream. You think it's about Scream for Joy. It's a fear. It's a fierce experience. It's scary. She works on a women's crisis line remote, and she has a fake name. And I always think you probably do have a fake name if you work those lines. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean. For anonymous reasons, right? Because what if someone's like, is this Gerald?
43:14Trixie Mattel:You know, like. Yeah. Most people aren't curious. They don't even need to know your name. They just want to talk to somebody. And a lot of times people aren't even in a state of suicidality. They just sort of want to talk. They're stuck in traffic. Yeah. No, or not stuck in traffic. But some shit's happening. And, you know, yeah, there's been a breakup and they just feel depressed. And, yeah, and just want somebody to listen. You know? So I could do that for$25 an hour. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Maybe you could transition to something. I know you're obsessed with dogs. We have a dog in the studio today and I almost saw you throw yourself to the floor.
43:58I did. I threw myself to the floor. Now the dog had great boundaries, which corgis are like that. They say, yeah, I'm okay. Okay. I lived with a corgi at one point. Scout. Shout out to Scout, who I'm sure has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Right? right scout uh would pee on my bed occasionally where i lived and that's kind of more power to her
44:24Trixie Mattel:you know that's that's what was her kink and uh good morning good morning um but uh yeah no i do love doggies and maybe you can get you in some kind of if you ever want to quit comedy maybe you could do some kind of um dog rescuing dog rescuing kind of emotional yeah dog rescue people I also I've been with a dog Who's been needs training Like I had a dog for about a week And a half that Bit 11 people During that week Just in a week? Yeah just in a week and the people from the Rescues they were like hey here's what you do You know just You're the alpha so you need to react And I'm like yeah I can't This is me I'm the problem.
45:15I know that it's me, but I am never going to have that sense that animals or kids or people need that everything's going to be OK. Like I just that is not my vibe at all.
45:27Trixie Mattel:You can offer a lot, but maybe not that. Not that. Not that. So I gave I gave parsnip back to the her rescue organization just because I was just like she she drew drew blood on a couple of people. She found another home. Do you like birds? I do love birds. I love birds. And right now I'm stuck in it between either rescuing a bird or getting a hatched bird. And there's pros and cons to both, right? Of course, you want to rescue birds live for decades. You're like, I want to be part of the solution. But birds, when they have long emotional lives like that, can have emotional problems and behavioral problems.
46:02Trixie Mattel:You ever know who they lived with or what happened? Yeah, what was said. And you want to be like an angel in a forever home, but you don't know. No, you don't want to make a nightmare. A lot like people in that way. Yes. Oh my God. It's exactly like people. It's exactly like people. Well, yeah, somebody. All of a sudden they live in your house and you're like, oh, this is what happened to you. It's all coming into focus. We had, we did affordable housing. We decided to open our home to two comedians who are lovely people. Unfortunately, we realized as a part of them living in our home that they were in a different part of life.
46:36like they were still like they're party girls partiers the partiers like and you were never like even much of a drinker really right no no i was bulimic i kept all my business on the inside and also you cannot be drinking on i i don't mean this is a joke you can't be drinking on
46:55Trixie Mattel:empty stomach i don't think you can be drinking on a bulimic stomach no no and that i mean probably would have been a great idea yeah and i just i yeah i didn't uh for some reason it never appealed to me booze when i hit 45 then i was like you know what i think i will get my cocktail on and um appletinis appletinis um but sometimes it makes you feel fancy yeah it's not good with my meds because it's like it's just a direct uh like oh this yeah i'm gonna feel terrible the next day and if you already have issues with like if your med side effects or anything like drowsiness yeah the alcohol is like triple down yes like it's bad you're fighting to stay awake at the applebee's at happy hour so dumb what yeah oh when i got when i got out of the hospital my friends were just like maria what i'd have my head first until like a pizza like yeah wake up girl because You are food motivated a little bit, right?
47:53I love food.
47:55Trixie Mattel:Absolutely. And I'm not a foodie in that I'm a friend. It's not about quality. It's not about quality. I could give a shit. Yeah. Like, oh my God. That's like Katya. You got that at the dollar store? I mean, what's the date on that shit? Like, let's, yeah. I'll try some CBD meat. Katya is very food made of it. Well, I love snacks, but my dressing room, like my rider, you know, what do they call the rider? oh yeah is like yeah for me it's harm reduction because it's like i'm gonna eat right so we have to try to have the low sugar candy or the fruit or the nuts whatever katya grocery store grocery store cookies milkshakes candy i've been on set with her where she's like can a pa go down to the 7-eleven and get me three twix she lives large she doesn't wait for tomorrow that she did just have part of her she just have a surgery so maybe don't eat exactly like her but i'm just saying sometimes the snack food that you know isn't great is just what gets you like taco bell gets no i have some dear friends who that was our thing during the quarantine was watch fast and furious movies to see what they were about and get taco bell and um i i was i was a comrade i worked with the group because I wanted to.
49:19I didn't want to be difficult. But it was, I did not see the beauty in it. It was not good.
49:24Trixie Mattel:It's not an all the time thing. And I'm a vegetarian. So I think for me, the magic of like McDonald's is lost. Because I think the magic of like McDonald's is probably the burger. The chicken nuggets or something. Well, the fries, which are in beef tallow. That's why they're good. Is it's the hooves of your best friends. yeah and i just do you eat meat yes i do how do you reconcile with that one time i did it on time i presented at a dog fundraiser i presented a dog fundraiser and i was like i'm happy to be here at this dog fundraiser love by the way how's the chicken or fish like you're all here eating animals which i know i'm not the police of that but it is kind of funny because it's just like light speciesism of like i would never do that but if you have a pet chicken i might eat that you know what i mean yeah i i tried i'm not shaming you no i know no no no i i'm shaming me i'm just a better person i know exactly right um this is and this is one thing i think i have sometimes i have a very vegan friend who their whole family is vegan uh four kids vegan well Well, when they got married, the whole wedding was vegan, all good.
50:42But also they had no alcohol and there wasn't enough food. Like there wasn't where it's like somebody believes that, you know, that everyone has should have tiny portions. Like, I don't know. You know, somebody has this weird eating disordered belief that everyone's fine with a leaf of lettuce, right? We're just we're just all living in our core and breathing in and out. And I'm like, no, I got to have, yeah, I got to have some kind of, give me a cube of cheese if I'm, yeah.
51:16Trixie Mattel:Sometimes you go somewhere like that and you don't eat because you think it's going to be a food event. It's not a food event. You do have like a simmering sense of panic. Yeah. Of like, oh God. Do I Uber eats food to somewhere that I'm at? I now always bring power bars to weddings. Because you won't be caught. Yeah, I will not be caught. I don't know what's happening. when people i uh whenever i do parties i used i have i've been divorced for a few months now and so i'm in an apartment i'm in a lady's apartment and uh i haven't had any parties recently but i can't wait till i do again have a rager i love parties i love it i love inviting punch people over and i love the randos when it's like oh my god the mailman showed up in his outfit it's floyd He had mail.
52:05Trixie Mattel:He was delivering mail. He wasn't at your party. He came. He had a full bottle of wine he had already cracked. Right. He's so great. You know what I always think? If I bring booze to something and no one touches it, I always think, can I take it home? Yes, of course you can. I kind of think you can. Yes. If it's like the end of the night and everyone's trickled and no one uncorked that, I'm just like. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. You wanted it or you don't want it. Yeah. No one opened it. No. I will say too, when you're having a party, that's because you're not a drinker. if you're having a party that's not revolving around alcohol you do have to actually think about what happens when people get here what are we going to do i guess we're going to watch all the past and the furiouses yeah you know the thing about that they all have slightly different names it's like the fast and the furious yeah fast and the furious yes yeah we're too fast too furious still fasting and furious like they're all different we're on a fast yeah and we're furious it's just all driving right i've never seen those movies they are abominable the first one's fantastic it makes sense as a whole film which was his name paul paul walker paul walker yeah vin diesel vin diesel maybe i have spin is actually acting no no no um i don't remember the name of the actors but she's like a michelle rodriguez vehicle yes that's yes yes she's in it and she's great then the rest of them have no relation to any of the others except for the fact that paul walker dies and then they have a digital version of paul walker no they don't yes which will be your next special um in in like passing like him zooming away in a car or you know going hey i gotta get back to my kids you know like and uh just don't don't use them yeah the audience knows he's dead it feels weird right no no this is the most sentimental movie it's all about family so everybody in the family is always there so they always mention family everyone's always wearing a cross there's never mention of what uh diocese yeah yeah what yeah what's anyone's practicing like no one's going into a church but yeah there's a cross heavily depicted and everything.
54:13And then there's... It's a family movie. It's a Christian family movie. It's a Christian family. And then always there's something about science that's not, you know, wouldn't work. Like a car is driving up a building, straight up a building in Dubai. And someone will mention it and will go, God, this seems like this wouldn't be, this wouldn't work in physics. And then somebody will say, yeah, that's because you don't have faith. so it's kind of this religiosity as well it's if you believe in jesus your car will drive up
54:44Trixie Mattel:that's interesting you know what now that i said was the one of them called tokyo drift yes okay i've seen that yeah i remember this scene where i think the premise okay it's all coming back to me now came out when i was in high school and i had all heterosexual cousins like i feel like i feel like fast and the furious movies really hit the heterosexual community in a major way no no know yeah i think gay people waited for video we're not like clamoring no need i feel like i remember this scene where he's trying to race in a parking garage and he's crashing into everything because he hasn't learned to drift right he like hasn't learned to like hit the brake and skid and the whole movie is him learning to he's whipping shitties but i guess the cars are cool i mean listen driving in los angeles doesn't make me want to go home and watch that i fight for my life on these streets maria well and i feel so bad for everybody who lives in the fast and furious neighborhood which is an actual neighborhood in east side la where people go to drive crazy drive very crazy yes it's like this hillside neighborhood um which is uh i mean it's probably being gentrified but it's mostly latino sure and uh yeah no it's i'm i'm so sorry that i i now you've told people where to go right what am i doing i i'm so sorry i will say too you know what i never want to do that but have you ever seen the movie greece yes um there's a part where they street race and i think they're street racing in the la river but i don't know if they are yes they are of course whenever i drive through the river which as you know is a peace dream yeah and it's filled with people's homes it's a neighborhood people are living down there it's not a river wonderful built houses a house on the river that they've made out of yeah with tvs and studs yeah tvs like oriental rugs and stuff yeah yeah no it's uh yeah i always want to go down there and drive like grease yeah do you drive i do yeah i mean i do do you have a license oh yes that's good good at both but maybe you and i could do it on some there and we could get somebody to have one of those things that wave it and yeah no a hot a hot twink as you say a hot twink uh going like this with the flag with like very tight short shorts on that's what the ladies do is they all have a tight short yeah with like the short yeah and they go oh maybe you could date a twink next you probably have i used to picked up early that gays just loved you i know i i haven't had well i don't think i know i'm i'm so greedy i i have I have no idea.
57:11They love you. I always assume it's people who've had mental health challenges is my fan base. Or their friends or family who are like, yeah, she loves you. I had to drive because she's on meds. She's on her new meds.
57:27Trixie Mattel:She loves you, so I'm here. And she loves you though. She just got out. She just got out. I think gays love you. No, that's so kind, I love it. I think they do, am I right? I'm right. We're gay. Nice, nice. You've never done a pride or like a grand marshal of a pride party? I have not, but I'm totally down. Get you with the pug? Oh, shit. Do you still have a pug? I do. We have shared custody of an old pug named Max. Max is 16 years old. He's very old. And then we have a tiny pug chihuahua who is kind of a supermodel. And she's about six years old. And she's just so cute. And I don't mean to say she's cuter than someone in this room.
58:10It's not a competition. Right? It isn't. We're all flowers in a beautiful garden. And yeah, so her name is Muffin. And she's going to the Fashion Institute of Technology in the fall. Because she likes to wear a harness off the shoulder. And that's what she does.
58:29Trixie Mattel:How did you... Was it conscious to kind of like gravitate toward pugs? Or did they... I mean, how did you pick pugs? I just, I took a quiz online where they say, what kind of breed do you think? Did you really? They said, what's your energy level? And I was like, low. Love it. And yeah, what? Do you like snorting sounds? Yes. Do you like really affectionate dogs? I was like, yes. Like, I don't want a chow where I have to be concerned. Are they into me today? Are they mad at me? Right. Yeah. No, I want to know that that dog is into me. You come home. I love pugs that enter and they come home and they're freaking out.
59:08Trixie Mattel:The freaking out. The freaking out. Can't breathe. The snuffling directly into your face. Yeah. Like going face to face breathing at night. Like. And the facial expression of fixed like. What would you call that? Worry? Surprise? Worry, surprise. Yeah. No. And I know there's something about the breathing that's wrong. Of course it's not. They're designing these dogs to look a certain way. And that is pleasing to me. That's like the Frenchies. Aren't the Frenchies their problems? I think they have problems with pregnancy. Braceocephalic. Their esophagus collapses at a certain point. Sometimes. It's not good.
59:50It's not good. And yet, am I doing anything wrong by rescuing a pug who's older already? Because we only get older pugs.
1:00:00Trixie Mattel:Yeah, it's hard because my friend, I have a friend, my friend Lisa, she has a bunch of dogs and she like only rescues basically. So it's like she always is, you know, if you're always saving dogs and they're older, have health problems, et cetera, you are always going to have dogs that are not, you know, perfect bill of health in the long life ahead of them. Well, because it's so, I totally understand when people, I mean, it's really sad when people have to give up animals, but it's, I don't know, but it's extremely expensive in Los Angeles. And there's also a lot of shame. You go into the vet and they go, well, we've looked at your 17-year-old cat and it's going to be$40 ,000 to do exploratory surgery.
1:00:48And it's like, what? like in the Midwest the nice thing about the Midwest is people are like you know we're just letting the cat go you know like as I would say for myself don't spend$40 ,000 on me unplug unplug
1:01:05Trixie Mattel:me we had we had pets my whole life and this is not good we never went to a vet dogs and I'm from the country yeah cats just go in the woods and die you don't even find out they're sick yeah your dog just dies and it's i i don't want to say that's not ideal whose lady was christy nomu shot the shot her dog that she didn't like she did i'm not that and you think we should all do that no no that is not what i'm saying but there is some happy medium of like uh don't hurt your yourself and also animals if if you're gonna put them through a ton of stress isolation just like human beings i don't want to be in a hospital the last two months of my life with like a thing in my mouth going ah i guess i'm alive still like katya katya it always comes back to her and how is she doing is that why she's out because she over the she just had a emergency medical surgery okay we don't we're not saying exactly what it is i don't know if she said i'm waiting for her to spill the beans okay oh i love it it's her story but maybe you want to give her a message of hope oh okay katia um every day it gets better or it doesn't and at least that's something to talk about maria can people find you online and maybe see you in person yes of course mariebanfordcomedy.com um i'm always on tour so please come see me anytime if you don't have the money you can always email me uh and i will get you in for free uh you just gotta email me at aria mayamfordbay at gmail.com it's on all my socials um and i'm the person who answers those emails so if i fuck up blame me it's me i used to ship my own merchandise and i had a fake name like steve who shipped the merch and i would come home from doing nightclubs all weekend and on monday i'd be emailing people being like we'll have your order out nick pretty soon it was it was me shipping for my garage no i ship too you know i did i ship my own stuff and then i would say it was actually me and then i if there were any problems with it i'd say that's a part of the celebrity experience that's what i would say if they got really mad i'd be like it's it's me there is no steve like i pull the mask up and i'd be like i was on tour as you know yeah i'm back now i'll ship your order yeah hey yeah refund all your money refund yeah oh can i play a voice note for you Maria and we'll let you go.
1:03:32Trixie Mattel:You've been, you've been too kind. You've been too kind and too, um, oh God. Okay. Maria, we have a voice note from Katya. I know that you didn't sign off on this. It might not even be to you. It could just be a grocery list. She's been sending me a lot of weird notes. I'm grateful. Hello. Oh, hello. Excuse me. Hello. Hi. I just wanted to share that I took an adult education sociology class at a community college. And during the lunch break, I talked to a young, wonderful woman who said that her nickname in high school was Home Depot. But the M was silent. To which I replied, why? and she said and I quote because my pussy grips the man's dick like a fresh hot pair of pliers
1:04:39Trixie Mattel:so I thought it would be like hey Maria thanks for coming out that's what I appreciate about Katya is she is constantly creating like you know that she's not she's not going to take a break and do like this cow chowing and you know saying oh hi to this no no no just keep making content she's a creative she's a creative thank you maria thank you for having me thank you
1:05:32Trixie Mattel:Most ice cream is good, but not Jenny's. Jenny's ice cream is more like an obsession. What you get from over two decades of tasting and tweaking and throwing it out and starting over, chasing flavors until they feel alive. That might sound crazy, and that's because it is. Jenny's. Often imitated, never duplicated, always splendid. It's like math. McDonald's is now introducing all new Caesar sauce, plus an even crispier McCrispie strip. This all equals a creamier, creamy snack wrap. Try the new Caesar sauce at McDonald's.
From the publisher
Once upon a time in a magical far-off land, Trixie Mattel, the undisputed Royal Duchess of Drag, believed herself to be best friends with Maria Bamford, the realm's undeniable Queen of Comedy. Having followed her through every enchanted television program and neighborhood comedy special, the parasocial relationship grew and grew like a magical beanstalk. Although Trixie had adored her from afar for twenty years, the two had never met until fate summoned them to a mystical Burbank podcast studio, where together they feasted upon ceremonial donuts from Maria’s legendary 9:00am comedy court. And thus their imaginary friendship became real at last, proving that even the grandest fairy tales may come true, provided the castle is less than two miles from Maria's home.
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