A Meditation on Fruit Cups and Resplendence with Trixie and Katya

8:39Katya Zamolodchikova:They love it. Girl, they love it. They're just annihilating the whole fucking population of Gaza. And then they just can't wait to build like luxury high rises. Luxury hotels. They cannot wait to build that have their little Riviera on the strip. The little Christian fuck face. Fuck face. Queen. Queen. Queen. Queen. I just, it's like my blood pressure, my blood pressure.

9:04Trixie Mattel:My blood pressure. My blood. I just, sometimes I laugh. Like today I was working at my computer at eight in the morning because the type of panic disorder I have, I wake up early and awake, already heart racing. Right. So I'm working in the morning, trying to work on my art, do my little art. And I just start laughing because I'm just like, what is this?

9:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. What is this? What is this? It's, it's, it's the, it's like the rap. It's a rap. It's a rap. It's a rap. It's a rap. I have a lot to say to you, girl. I have a lot to say to you too. I wrote it in cursive. You can see right there.

9:36Trixie Mattel:I watched I have so much to pivot to first of all I have to talk about how I got here this morning did Pam Bondi drive you? no Pam Bondi she wouldn't she flew me the top 20 Pam Bondis will get flewed out

9:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Pam Bondi rot in hell go to hell eat shit and die figuratively of course I would never hurt another human being

9:58Trixie Mattel:I want her plane to go down and I want to know about it and I want to be like Dolores Claiborne with like the boxes you watch the eclipse Like I will be outside waiting to watch it. Like, wow.

10:08Katya Zamolodchikova:I will be take, I will have the, I want that eclipse to burn my retinas.

10:11Trixie Mattel:Because you're hurting people. You're doing harm. You're using the authoritarian muscle to push harm on individuals.

10:21Katya Zamolodchikova:And you have, and these people have no moral compass as, as like, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe JD Vance's politics were complete 180 many years ago.

10:30Trixie Mattel:Oh yeah.

10:30Katya Zamolodchikova:And now that like anybody, if anybody's in like can, can sense like the spotlight of power or the warmth of it, they get in there and they just flip.

10:38Trixie Mattel:Girl. And they just flip. Who looks like an actual piece of shit.

10:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Like a huge, like human turd come to life.

10:45Trixie Mattel:Like a huge hot turd. Yeah, cold turd. We had a Trixie Cosmetics photo shoot the other day. You didn't congratulate me. But we had a photo shoot the other day. Keep crying jobless. We had a photo shoot the other day. And outside that we did it on location. tell me why directly outside this location there's models they all have makeup on they look amazing I'm there I'm also trying right I'm talking directly outside the door of where we shot a huge human turd like I'm talking a foot long you invited me though but like it was like a Pringles can how thick around it was and Brandon was like when you walk in watch out for the human shit and I was like haha we're downtown haha And I was like, oh, this is like a preserved fibrous brick.

11:32Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, it's good to know that cross dresser, terror, human shit. No, no, no. Don't do it, little girl. That's the only, you know, I should actually, I should email Amy Goodman at Democracy Now and see if they can do like yesterday's news with Luscious Massacre's commentary over it. Right. You know, because like, I feel like the only way that I could watch the footage from these hearings about the Epstein files with Pam Bondi is that it has some commentary in real time over it. Oh, yeah. Liar! Luscious' news would be called like Gentle Creatures.

12:05Trixie Mattel:The Gentle Dolls. Yeah.

12:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Indict her! Indict her! Epstein! Indict her! Criminal!

12:12Trixie Mattel:It's fierce.

12:13Katya Zamolodchikova:It's hard. It's really bad. It's really, really bad. And I guess it's, I guess it was like thinking the other day, it's maybe naive and kind of clueless or whatever to just assume that things will get better, that history doesn't have to repeat itself. that it's like the cycle of war will continue just with a different shade or a different flavor or a different color. Right.

12:31Trixie Mattel:I think liberals should keep doing this thing where we hold other liberals to impossible purity Olympic standards. I think that's worked out really well and we should continue to do so.

12:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, I don't see any liberals around. I don't know about you.

12:43Trixie Mattel:Libertarian. Oh my God. Speaking of, I did a quick Google search on the politics of one Gary Busey.

12:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh God, why?

12:50Trixie Mattel:Well, because I really wanted to make fun of him and I was like, I think he's kind of crazy.

12:54Katya Zamolodchikova:He's probably a libertarian.

12:55Trixie Mattel:Well, he is a self-proclaimed libertarian, but I brought a clip that I have to show you because it disturbed me. Now, I have a friend who lives right next to him, so I don't want to say who it is. I sent it to her and was like, ain't this your neighbor? But I want you to know that kind of gave you a little bit. Of course, of course it does. I need you to hear this.

13:15Katya Zamolodchikova:When I pull out my pookie. Oh, wait, hold on. That's a jump scare. You did not. Where's the audio? Hey, it's Gary Piercy. and I have got a great Christmas present for you. Listen to this.

13:35Katya Zamolodchikova:That's what a goose sounds like. But they're flying. They're letting you know they're up there.

13:43Katya Zamolodchikova:You get a bunch of geese together. They're honking in the air.

13:54we gotta do a tiktok girl what the sigma six seven well six seven i gotta tell you something

14:02Trixie Mattel:about six seven this is just because um my i have little family members who you know the the nine-year-old boys love six seven right they love and what is what is the significance of that

14:12Katya Zamolodchikova:don't tell me nothing don't tell me that gen alpha is interested in nothing no that meaningless It's nothing.

14:17Trixie Mattel:But I was on a Queerty. Queerty had an article, Ask Jake. And this guy said, I'm 67 and I would like to try intimate contact with a man for the first time. But where do I go? And I just commented, 6 '7". Because he is 67. And I was afraid I was going to get banned again, like when I called those whales faggots. If anybody wants to know if I run my own social media, watch how often I get banned. One time I was working at TwitchCon. TwitchCon a couple months ago and I'm getting in drag and they go Trixie we're so happy to have you here it's gonna be a really great show it's just like awesome I know you love video games you love Twitch um are you banned from Twitch?

14:57Trixie Mattel:I said I don't think so and I was I'm a Twitch partner and I was banned I was like what did I do?

15:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Pam Bondi is not getting banned oh my god

15:11Trixie Mattel:you're banned at TwitchCon no I'm not banned anymore Okay.

15:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. Okay. I got it fixed.

15:15Trixie Mattel:Luckily when you're at Twitch, I'm like, surely someone in this convention can get me unbanned. Yeah. Where's bot Twitch? But it was because I didn't, there's a toggle for when you're DJing on Twitch, a toggle, like a switch. When you're DJing on Twitch, you have to turn that on. So you're not doing musical copyright infringement. Gotcha.

15:32Katya Zamolodchikova:But what about my dongle? What is a dongle? No, I said it. No, I know you said a toggle, but it brought to mind a dongle, which is, I don't know what that is. It's like a key chain. Is it? Right. I don't think so. I think it's like a thing that it switches a connector for your phone or something. A dongle. Oh, yes. I hate that name.

15:51Trixie Mattel:Like when you have a computer that doesn't have a USB input anymore. Yeah.

15:54Katya Zamolodchikova:Like a headphone to something jack. I hate that name. Who came up with that? Pam Bondi?

15:59Trixie Mattel:Probably. Dingle Dongle, girl on the way here.

16:01Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait, wait. So TwitchCon was a success even though you were banned? This was months ago. Okay, sorry.

16:05Trixie Mattel:I was just saying I get banned from stuff.

16:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Right, right.

16:07Trixie Mattel:So that 67-year-old man saying, how do I connect? I'm interested in connecting. I said 6 '7".

16:11Katya Zamolodchikova:What about 34 plus 30? What's that one that equals 69? What is that? Do you know what I'm talking about? 34 plus 35 equals 69. 69 is doing blowjobs to each other or whatever. Do you know what I'm talking about? I know what 69 is. Yeah, it's an Ariana Grande song, which is like a young person code thing, which seems to me so... I don't like it. Is it because I'm old and like Gary Busey? They're not having sex anyway.

16:45Trixie Mattel:My pelvic floor therapist, I was talking about how people don't have sex. I was talking about what?

16:53Katya Zamolodchikova:So relatable. While you were in preschool, I was in Brooklyn going to pelvic floor appointments.

17:01Trixie Mattel:While you're at pelvic floor therapy, I'm in Brooklyn trying to survive in this economy. Sorry for trying to heal my body. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm happy for you.

17:08Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm so happy. My systemic illness. I'm happy that you're, no, 6 '7".

17:12Trixie Mattel:By the way, your sister's the one who recommended I go to a pelvic floor therapist. My sister's a veterinarian. And you're a dog. She makes a lot of sense. She needs to get down here and sew your pussy up because we don't want you having babies.

17:25Katya Zamolodchikova:Spade and neutered. Spade. I like it. I want it. My hair. I bought it. Okay.

17:38Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by Quince. Well, another Valentine's Day has come and gone. This year I celebrated in a way that was both brave and deeply taco forward. I spent the evening eating an aggressive amount of Mexican food, alphabetizing my underwear by color and purchase date, and watching Love Boat reruns as research for my latest writing project, erotic fan fiction about Gopher and Captain Steubing. To cap off the night, I decided to organize my closet as well, and I came to a fashion epiphany. My wardrobe is in drastic need of a spring refresh. That is where Quince will rescue me this year and make me worthy of love.

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19:32Katya Zamolodchikova:You know, kid stuff. Instead, it would seem that my niece and nephew were super into gut health. Every chairlift ride consisted of my niece saying things like, Uncle Brian, your gut microbiome is literally everything. And if your biome is off, your vibes are off. Here is a direct quote from little Mikey during breakfast. Mental health starts in the gut. That's just science. And then as he watched me eat my third donut, added in a slightly judgmental way, digestion is kind of the main character. Suffice it to say, I tried to ignore them, but you know what? They were right. We are learning so much about the gut microbiome being key to mental health, immunity, and digestion.

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21:04Trixie Mattel:So on the way here. Oh, on the way here. So I drive a Volvo and it's actually my beautiful boyfriend's car. Yes. So I drive his car. Oh, the boyfriend is public. Girl, we did on this pod. Oh, queen. Queen.

21:18Katya Zamolodchikova:We did. Did we show him? Yes. Did we show? No, we didn't say his name. Did we do his measurements? We didn't say his name. Why don't we go down the, okay, we'll do the measurements later. Well, I'll just show a clip. What if it's, you guys know, it's Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.

21:30Trixie Mattel:That's the clip.

21:32Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it's you doing 34 plus 35. You fucking whore.

21:35Trixie Mattel:I watched that slap clip last night in bed just to remember it.

21:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, what do you make of it? What's your analysis? It's just so violent. It's crazy. It's a very hard slap. And, you know, yeah, It's a heart slap that I don't think it's like, sure, you were offended that he made a joke about your wife's alopecia.

21:54Trixie Mattel:It glares. Celebrities can do whatever.

21:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

21:58Trixie Mattel:If anybody else had slapped him in that room, people would have rushed the stage and done something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway. Okay. So on the way here, you're in a Volvo. Your boyfriend's lovely Volvo. So my boyfriend's lovely Volvo. Now it counts down the number of gas you have left. it counts down from 400 whatever miles to what I didn't know is after 40, it stops counting. Oh, it doesn't count down to zero.

22:21Katya Zamolodchikova:You get a blinking light that says you fucking bitch. Well,

22:23Trixie Mattel:the last few times I've driven it, it goes, the car's like, do you want to go find a gas station? And I say, no, because I have like 50 miles left. So wrong queen. I've been on 40 miles for like days. Oh my God. Because I thought it was going to go down to 30 and 20, whatever. And everywhere I go in LA is five miles. Like I'm not going on long trips without gas. Yeah, that's true. So I call him and I go, it says I have 40 miles still, but it hasn't been changing for days. He goes, Oh, you need to get gas in it. Like right now. Yeah. And I, I really thought I was going to run out on the freeway just now on the way here on the freeway.

22:58Trixie Mattel:I thought I was going to run out and I'm like, I'm like praying. I don't even believe in God. A, I don't know prayers. So I'm just singing songs from sister act. I'm like, I will follow him. I love him. I love him. I'm like, Because I really think I'm going to roll off the freeway with no gas.

23:14Katya Zamolodchikova:You'll go from 75 miles per hour to just like a screech to zero. Right. And everybody's going to.

23:19Trixie Mattel:And I guess I have triple A, but I know how I would handle it. I will put on a tight skirt and stand off the shoulder of the road. With your leg.

23:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Like you open the hood. You lean down. You put one leg up.

23:31Trixie Mattel:Right. And then somebody stops and says, Miss. Miss. You're not wearing any panties. Did you need help with your car? Yeah. Because I'm laying on the hood. The hood is open and I'm laying on it. and my pussy lips are splayed out.

23:42Katya Zamolodchikova:With your French tip acrylics.

23:44Trixie Mattel:Yep. Pussy lips splayed out. Splayed out. Splayed. Splayed. Splayed. And I go, no, I got gas. So then I'm fine. Gas. Just gas. I got gas. So thank God. I thought I was going to run out on the way here. I really did. Well, you didn't. And that's all that matters.

24:00Katya Zamolodchikova:It's kind of a non-event, the story. Well, no, I think it underscores the most important topic that we've been talking about, which is Pan Bondi.

24:07Trixie Mattel:And knowing what your vehicle's doing. knowing what it says, what it means.

24:11Katya Zamolodchikova:So your vehicle literally says to you, Mary, we need gas. And you said, not today, baby.

24:15Trixie Mattel:On the screen, it goes, did you want to stop for gas? And I was like, don't tell me what to do. Okay.

24:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Like, who do you think you are? Well, I'm on the freeway. You're in Brooklyn struggling to me. Who is that woman? And why does she have no lips? Who? The woman who's saying all that stuff.

24:31Trixie Mattel:Oh, that's Alex McCord from Real Housewives of New York. Okay.

24:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you think that we could do a TikTok? Of what? Of, um, Um, well, Kathleen, no, no, sorry. Well, that's a, that's a, that's a given. I, I'm a little offended because that is, I saw myself too deeply and real in that. Watched a really shit movie the other day. Which shit movie did you watch? Cause I also watched a shit girl. Oh God, here we go. I also watched a great movie at the theater.

25:00Trixie Mattel:You, you got, you, when you let people pick movies, you need to, you need to Wikipedia the movie first. You need to see what they're asking you to do. the incredible shrinking woman and the woman is the woman is Lily Tomlin Lily Tomlin and her husband is a perfume inventor and accidentally sprays her with a chemical so she starts shrinking she starts shrinking and I guess the metaphor is probably that she's like because it's a lot of commercials she's in the grocery store I think it's about like America exposing itself to chemicals and like overconsumption. I think that's, but it wasn't that funny.

25:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. And wasn't that great.

25:46Trixie Mattel:Okay. I guess the practical effects of her being tiny was cool. I was like, wow, all these real sets of like her on a giant bed. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, what a shit film. What a shit film.

25:54Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, that reminds me of like what, you know, it does. When you value your time, which I do,

26:04Katya Zamolodchikova:I think you should do as much research as you can without spoiling something you know if you can manage it but if I had done my due diligence on Thanksgiving a couple years ago we would never have watched Emilia Perez right and I still I really can't I know I've talked about ad nauseum and I will continue to do so until I die that movie but I wish you could have been there because it was such a unique experience. We were all watching it. And for many of us, turning off a movie is not an option. I agree.

26:37Trixie Mattel:Like, I don't ever turn off a movie in the middle.

26:39Katya Zamolodchikova:I have kind of flipped. Now it's like, if this sucks, I just walk away. But we were all locked in. And it really traumatized us. It really took us to the cleaners. Keep crying jobless. Yeah, it really ruined Thanksgiving.

26:53Trixie Mattel:Well, then I switched over to, because I was like, all right, that's enough of you picking movies. Like who's you, you boyfriend. So I turned on 90 day fiance season 10.

27:03Katya Zamolodchikova:But see, that's a series. That's a whole different animal. Okay.

27:06Trixie Mattel:But one is shitty and one is great.

27:11Katya Zamolodchikova:So why are you talking?

27:12Trixie Mattel:All my love to lesbian icon, Lily Tomlin. Fuck that movie. Okay. When I send Pam Bondi to jail, there's going to be a clicker with just Amelia Perez and the shrinking woman And the incredible shrinking woman.

27:26Katya Zamolodchikova:And also, maybe like, what's a horrible series? What's a horrible series?

27:34Trixie Mattel:AJ and the Queen. AJ and the Queen. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

27:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait, stop that train. Oh, I do want to see that. We've never. It's a drag. We were glaringly absent from the casting call. It's a dragoon movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How come? I never heard about it. Never heard a peep about it. And it certainly wasn't approached to be in it. Listen. As were you not.

27:54Trixie Mattel:I'm a supportive, and I'd be on that RuPaul shit. No, no, no. So, like, I'm going to watch it.

27:59Katya Zamolodchikova:You're glued. You got that glass pipe in both ends. I love it. No, I'm going to watch it, too. I'm going to support my sisters. But I never even heard a peep about it. Did you? I don't think so.

28:08Trixie Mattel:But then again, I don't know.

28:10Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't know. Yeah. Trixie Mattel is so rich. Oh, God. Trixie Mattel is so rich. How rich is she? How do you feel about that? Do you feel exposed? Do you feel like you have a target on your back? Do you feel like you're going to get kidnapped and held for ransom? I don't. Can you grab my computer? I don't know. I can't make sense of that moment. I know. I know what it was. She was deflecting. She took the ball and she threw it. She took the hot potato and she threw it in your lap. And you're like, because I think that she was about to get investigated by Pam Bondi. Also, you make dollar for dollar what I make for a living.

28:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Why am I rich? No, no, no, no. It's like the woman version. It's like every woman makes, you know, 0.63 of a man's dollar. That's me. You know, they pay me significantly less at Netflix and on the pod. They do not. Yes, they do. She knows. She writes my checks. They pay me like maybe 0.63 % of what you make.

29:01Trixie Mattel:You are such a fucking liar. You're such a fucking, and you're kind of ugly. Keep crying. Like, I'm so sick of you.

29:08Katya Zamolodchikova:And you're old. Wait, wait, wait, wait. And when you die, I will be so happy. While you're researching, I want to tell you about this thing that happened to me. What? What? I also have to tell you.

29:18Trixie Mattel:What? I got to hire a writer for the Queerities to partner with to write my little banter, you know, because I get to host the Queerities. The only fun award show that exists. It's the most fun. Is it really? It's the best. Wow. It's so fun. It's because it's all fun, gay, creative people. And like fun, gay, creative. Yeah. It'll be like Amy, that trans woman from Jeopardy, Frankie Grande. Matt Rogers. Yeah. All in one room. Love that. but they sent me the first pass of my monologue that we kind of we were on a phone call and I was rattling off the jokes I wanted to do and they wrote it out they said let me know what you think of it I said first of all bitch I would check the spelling on Trixie Mattel the name spelled wrong I said you better work

30:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Trixie Mattel is so rich

30:05Trixie Mattel:it's too funny that's crazy it made me laugh people misspell Mattel a lot

30:12Katya Zamolodchikova:T-R-I-C-K-S-Y Oh

30:18Trixie Mattel:This isn't coming out So this is just for your ears on the pod

30:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh this is the Rebex It picks up

30:31Trixie Mattel:Did we show this on the pod already? No

30:35Katya Zamolodchikova:She is so rich She is so rich She is so rich She is so rich now. She is so rich. She's in Mattel is so rich now. Rihanna! She is so rich. Mr. Worldwide! She's got TV specials and albums and... Albums and... Ornaments. Ornaments. Ornaments!

31:03Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by X-Program. As many of you know, I am perpetually in a state of quitting nicotine. Last year, I made amazing progress with the help of X program. There were ups and downs and successes and failures, but with the help of X program's community of real life quitters and amazing resources, I actually showed up to almost all our recording sessions not smelling like shit. Trixie made sure to let me know that. And the number of parties where I didn't have to step outside to smoke? Too many to count. Like I said, 2025 was a year of real progress.

31:35Katya Zamolodchikova:If you're like me and you want to quit nicotine, how about joining me this year? Wherever you are in your quit journey, X-Program has a plan for you. It's free, confidential, and available 24-7 anywhere in the U.S. So grab your phone and text JOINKATYA to 88709 to start today with X-Program. Don't let nicotine cravings be your boss. This year, make them your bitch with X-Program. Again, text JOINKATYA to 88709.

32:04Trixie Mattel:Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Acorns, or as we call them Wisconsin, acorns. So the thing is with money, everything about it is scary if you don't have a plan. Have a goal, have a plan. Know where you're headed and be comfortable taking small steps instead of being anxious about huge steps. So most of the time we only talk about money once we've made it, right? Acorns is a financial wellness app that wants to show a little bit of love to everyone who is on their way. Acorns is a smart way to give your money just a chance to grow. It's easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money, even if all you've got is spare change.

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33:17Trixie Mattel:I love that it's on your phone. Honestly, you guys know all my banking and money things I ever do, I do for my phone. Like I don't ever go to physical banks. I don't really ever have to engage with money in that way because I have everything in my pocket. And with Acorns, wouldn't it be great to have this new part of your future just in your pocket? Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a$5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over$27 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash bald or download the Acorns app to get started.

34:05Katya Zamolodchikova:Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bald. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Hello, I'm Henry Devereaux, Supreme Lawn Sprinkler of the Vernal Goblet Fellowship of Los Angeles, a sacred Hollywood social order devoted to celebrating the spring equinox on March 20th. We celebrate by honoring ancient pagan rituals like dancing barefoot around a ficus tree, chanting affirmations at the sun while holding a green juice, and sacrificing a very expensive sourdough loaf to the winds of rebirth.

34:38Katya Zamolodchikova:This year, our group has grown too powerful to spread only by whispered invitations at Erewhon. So I needed a website to let the world know that spring will not happen unless at least 12 of us howl at dawn in the nude and release ethically sourced flower crowns to the coyotes in Griffith Park. To get the word out, I used Squarespace. Their design intelligence basically read my aura and instantly built a stunning website that perfectly captured our vibe, which is sun worship, but sort of bright and minimalist and yet also fun. I even set up Squarespace payments so people can easily pay their Equinox dues or purchase ceremonial robes using Apple Pay, Klarna, or whatever app their therapist recommends.

35:15Katya Zamolodchikova:I connected all our social accounts so our rituals stream everywhere at once. And with built-in SEO tools, anyone searching Hollywood Pagan Rebirth Cult But Chill can finally find us. There's even email campaigns so we can make sure everyone knows who's bringing snacks for the after party and where to sign up for the carpool. Thanks to Squarespace, the sun will rise again and frankly, humanity, you're welcome. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, head to squarespace.com slash bald to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald.

35:50Katya Zamolodchikova:I have to just say, I just have to listen. I'm sorry. I have had it with pedophilia. Girl, I'm not, I'm not like I, oh my God. The girl. There's something, okay, maybe because I'm so tiny, teeny, poor, have no life chances. Like, I don't understand. It's like, I'm trying to like do the logical thing. It's like, okay, so when you ascend to the levels of power and you acquire so much wealth and resources that you're always looking for like, you're looking to like the next most, I don't know. You know what I mean? But why not go to space with Gail? Or no, no, why not do like, why not do like ayahuasca or something?

36:28Katya Zamolodchikova:do like crazy drugs get bangs

36:32Trixie Mattel:oh you know what people should do don't do pedophilia go get one of those eye color change surgeries don't you think like girl those clips like I can't take it their eyes opening

36:44Katya Zamolodchikova:bloodshot red and with those color contacts that you and I used to wear

36:48Trixie Mattel:in the late 2000s the eye color and it's like so I went with winter emerald zombie green fluorescent green with with like a harsh border, like a black border. And they look in the mirror and they go, wow. It's so subtle. Is it permanent? Wow. And they're always like, it's so subtle. And I'm like,

37:10Katya Zamolodchikova:do you know what it reeks of? I did this. I did a whole deep dive on yoga abusers because every yoga guru who's lived to tell the tale has turned out to be an abuser. Big surprise. What? Yeah. But there was one guy who I think it was John of God. I think that was his name. It was like a Brazilian guru. Like not a yoga guy, But anyways, he was on Oprah and that catapulted him to fame. And he would do these miracle surgeries on people that were hoaxes. And so we would be just like, like bait and switch sleight of hand things where he'd like have like pig's blood and do like taking tumors out. But he wasn't really doing anything.

37:42Katya Zamolodchikova:And I imagine those surgeons are doing this whole crazy surgery, but they're literally going downtown, crossing, buying those$35 contacts. Oh, and just sticking them in there. And they're just sticking them in there. It's, it's, it's really. It's so bad. It's so bad.

37:55Trixie Mattel:I've gone to the surgeon's Instagrams and the comments on everyone are like, you are ruining lives. Yeah. Yeah.

38:02Katya Zamolodchikova:You should be in jail. People continue to get them. It's so, it's diabolical. Diabolical. They look crazier than you and I did in drag. It's completely crazy. Because they're just like Jennifer Smith and like, you know, Bob Nelson with these insane blue and green. 28 days later. Or purple. Purple. Violet.

38:24Trixie Mattel:Crazy. Crazy. I hope they not only have open casket funerals, that's open eye, open casket funerals, and you go view the body and they're in there looking like they got two cat's eye marbles in their eyes. Like, it's crazy.

38:36Katya Zamolodchikova:Speaking of open casket, I rewatched Drag Me to Hell the other day. Eats. Eats. Eats. When she, when she like, I was begging to go, she goes to the house. And of course the Mrs. Ganesh has passed on and is as an open casket funeral. And she, the, she trips and the casket falls on her. The body rolls out and then just vomits into her face. Vomits into her face. Into her mouth. I feel bad for her in that movie because. It's, it's a fun, it's a, it's a great setup. It's a really great setup because you're like, okay, so she's, it's like, it's a perfect real world scenario. She denied the loan based on the bank's recommendation.

39:17Katya Zamolodchikova:So she goes to hell? Well, I know it's, it's tough because she's like, she's, she's over, she's qualified to get this promotion, but because of sexism and, um, in, uh, corporate bureaucracy or whatever, she's like, she kind of, um, is that a disadvantage? She is at a disadvantage. so she chooses the course of action that will further her career at the recommendation of her boss who then a pre who then approves what she did but she gets cursed to hell by the gypsy um lady

39:48Trixie Mattel:queen girl girl like girl can i tell you queen i get it like i i i one time went to a verizon premium retailer, which is not Verizon. It's a Verizon premium retailer. What does that even mean? Who knows? It's an offshoot of the real Verizon. Okay. Verizon. And they installed my screen protector on my phone and I watched them get fingerprints on the real screen and there was a bubble.

40:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, fuck.

40:22Trixie Mattel:And I swear to God, I should have dragged them to hell for that. Don't you think? Yes. Getting the professional installation of the shatterproof glass with a bubble in it?

40:31Katya Zamolodchikova:You're out of your mind. You don't do that. It's like when I got a non-Apple part installed at one of those shady little outlets on Melrose. And then every time you open your phone, it says, there is something in this phone that should not be here. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh. Terrible.

40:48Trixie Mattel:Girl, I...

40:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait, wait, wait. This computer... Did you see Sun Help?

40:52Trixie Mattel:No.

40:52Katya Zamolodchikova:I highly recommend you do. You don't have to go to the movies. I know, I know, I know. I'm not going to the movies. I know, I know, I know. But this is...

40:58Trixie Mattel:$375 to go to the movies.

41:00Katya Zamolodchikova:What if Pam... She's watching porn. She's watching porn like she usually does while we're doing our pod. Our producer, lesbian producer, by the way, is watching lesbian porn.

41:09Trixie Mattel:This computer is like five years old and I'm building my show for tour this year for all the music festivals and I am too stupid to learn how to transfer all of this to a new computer but desperately afraid that my computer will die on the tour.

41:28Katya Zamolodchikova:What about a cloud?

41:31Trixie Mattel:Blowing clouds?

41:34Katya Zamolodchikova:What about the iCloud?

41:38Trixie Mattel:I don't want to be ignorant, but if I buy a new computer, can they just magically copy this computer into a new computer?

41:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course.

41:43Trixie Mattel:They can.

41:44Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course. Without me having to install everything.

41:46Trixie Mattel:What do you think of? My DJ library, everything. My music library.

41:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Have you ever had a phone? Have you ever gotten a new phone?

41:52Trixie Mattel:Yeah. No. Never. You're still using the corded one that connects to your wall. Yep. Yeah. You know all this. You know what I think about every time I get gas? people who drive away with the thing in the thing.

42:05Katya Zamolodchikova:How do you do that? Easy. The same way that you pull up to the gas station on the wrong side and then you get back in your car and you drive around and you still do it again. How about that? I did it twice. Fierce. Packed, packed gas station, by the way. Only one spot. Only one spot open, so I go to that one. I'm like, it's the wrong side. Then people disperse. I drive around. Wrong side again. Should I just go home?

42:27Trixie Mattel:I also have this question. How do they get gas in the Waymos? Who's they? The ghosts who drive them. Like, I don't know. They're electric. What's crazy is there was two of them around me the other day. There was one in front of me and one behind me and I was driving and I weirdly like wished one would crash into me so I could like be on the news and be like, crazy, you know, like that would be awesome. Yeah. Um, but, um, I also was like,

43:01Trixie Mattel:I trust them driving more than a gay person. I know. Or more than a text. And I think it's a ghost.

43:08Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

43:08Trixie Mattel:I think it's a ghost. Yeah. I think people die. And then instead of purgatory, they're driving Waymo. I don't think it's robotics.

43:14Katya Zamolodchikova:I think you're absolutely right. I think that's the most logical.

43:16Trixie Mattel:Are they completely automated or is somebody driving it remotely?

43:20Katya Zamolodchikova:No, somebody is not driving it remotely. That's crazy. Cause they'd be texting too. well remember you know those little robots this is like so crazy I don't know if people have them in their cities but we certainly do have them in Los Angeles these delivery robots that make me violent no they make me laugh

43:37Trixie Mattel:the names are too funny

43:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Annabelle no Brandine you would think they'd be like beep boop or C-3PO C-3PO Kelly your food is here Kelly is stalled on La Brea She keeps circling the drain.

43:56Trixie Mattel:Oh, and you know, the people will figure out how to crack these open and suck the innards out like a shell.

44:03Katya Zamolodchikova:But what innards do they want? Maybe there's McDonald's in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay. All the technology, all the technological advancements in the world, and this is one of them, certainly a pretty impressive one. But as far as I'm aware, there's somebody actually remotely, you know.

44:20Trixie Mattel:No, it's not.

44:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Is somebody driving it? Yes. What? Yes. In like Delhi or some, or like some. At the Delhi? No, no. In Delhi, India. So these little things, I still have to flush my turds. Right. But Annabelle is remotely bringing somebody's like chicken cacciatore to their loft downtown. Like, fuck you. Fuck you. That's crazy. Right. That's crazy. I hate it. Anyways. Wait, can I tell you about this dream I had? Yeah. Okay. I know it's so, who cares? But I had, you know all the like the tropes of a nightmare you're powerless you're unprepared you're making a presentation you don't know what it is you're on stage you didn't rehearse naked naked at school it didn't have your homework didn't do the whatever i had the opposite thing literally every nightmare trope was turned around and like i was over prepared i didn't i was on stage and i didn't my body realized i was doing a show i didn't i didn't i remember i didn't remember the routine but I just did it magically.

45:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Ana de Armas was there with me. We were doing tango, salsa, and like dancing together, eating canned fruit. And then at one point I had so much physical strength and flexibility. I was doing this whole routine on a rope where I would like, I would have my legs splayed out 180 and I was just using my arms to like climb up the rope. And then I would, at the top, I would let it go and like fly down to the end and right before an inch before the ground, I would catch it and then stay in a split. It was incredible. I woke up. It was like the best dream. This isn't a nightmare. Oh, no, no, no. It's the opposite of a nightmare.

45:55Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, it's the best dream I've ever had. Right. So, but then I woke up unlike, you know, when you wake up from a nightmare, like, Oh, thank God that didn't happen. It was the opposite. Depression. I woke up to a nightmare. I was like, I don't have any of that strength. I don't have any of that flexibility. Ana de Armas is not in my life. There's no canned fruit in my pantry. Yeah. it was really sad I have some gratitude you do

46:17Trixie Mattel:my studio my drag studio the molded one no it doesn't have mold oh same they resealed the the roof of the building no longer the building does not leak when it rains I have one one place to go where rain will not get in we have a dry

46:31Katya Zamolodchikova:spot in the city I'm at the point in LA

46:34Trixie Mattel:where when it rains I have anxiety

46:35Katya Zamolodchikova:oh well Mary about it it rained but it didn't just rain the other day it was a torrential downpour it's a waterboarding yeah it was actually it was I had PTSD because I was like under normal circumstances with my Swiss cheese roofed house burlap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. cheesecloth cheesecloth. I'm like, well, it's a wrap. Not Mary. We were dry that night.

46:55Trixie Mattel:Love it. We were dry. Thank God. Yeah. Thank God. I have to tell you, um, did you see this clip of, did you see black phone? We talked about black phone too.

47:03Katya Zamolodchikova:No, but I watched, I watched clips online about the, on the, the ice, which I found riveting. Was he a ghost?

47:09Trixie Mattel:Yeah. He,

47:10Katya Zamolodchikova:he,

47:10Trixie Mattel:it was super Catholic. It was weird. who's the guy who plays him it's Ethan Hawke I believe Ethan Hawke is talking to Simpy Sweepie and she was like she was like what did she say he was like do you do a lot of stage work and she was like she kind of talks like that dude that's a good impression yeah

47:39Katya Zamolodchikova:Jen's a pasta

47:40Trixie Mattel:from generation. That is it, I think. But she was like, I have stage fright. And he was like, and he was like, well, you know what that is? What? It's an experience.

47:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes, yes,

47:50Trixie Mattel:yes, yes. I said that to her and she was just like.

47:55Katya Zamolodchikova:Damn, simply sweepy.

47:57Trixie Mattel:I just always thought if you're an on-camera person, I didn't think on-camera people would get stage fright. Of course they do. Everybody gets stage fright.

48:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Barbara Streisand used to get it so much that she had to take pills.

48:10Trixie Mattel:barbara streisand i feel like i have less anxiety on stage than i do in the rest of the day

48:15Katya Zamolodchikova:well did you watch that i'm sure you didn't watch that clip of the new editor-in-chief of vogue and anna winter no and they asked her do you get nervous she's like i don't get nervous that's great i think it's a lie but i think it's a good lie oh i really admire those people yeah i really

48:28Trixie Mattel:admire those people really admire well in regard to stage fright and nervousness my one of my

48:32Katya Zamolodchikova:teachers in school said the best preparation against stage fright is preparation yeah honestly It's like, how, why are you going to get nervous if you know what you're doing?

48:39Trixie Mattel:Yeah. Yeah. Um, sometimes I get nervous. You know what it is? The excitement of I'm about to enjoy this, that upper feeling. Yeah. Combines with a little bit of nerves and it feels like a lot of nerves, but always in retrospect, I'm like half of that is good excitement.

48:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Yeah. It's not all bad. Cause it's a, it's a, it's a high octane experience you're about to have. Right. Also, do you get yawns? Do you get tired when you get, that happens to me a lot. like if I'm nervous. Yeah. Oh yeah. If I'm nervous before I start yawning and it's a thing. Yep. It's a thing.

49:13Trixie Mattel:I have this thing where I've like panic all day. And then at a certain point my system gives out and I get really shut down. I get really tired. I mean,

49:21Katya Zamolodchikova:if you're operating at like a, at a 12, if you're humming, if you have a background, how many 12, your body is going to just shut down.

49:26Trixie Mattel:Yeah. Um, if we could be vulnerable for a second, I, um, I've been having to pursue perhaps medicine help.

49:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay.

49:33Trixie Mattel:Cause the panic has been so consistent.

49:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Really?

49:36Trixie Mattel:So consistent. Fuck. So bad. So regular. First thing in the morning. Off and on all day.

49:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Like anti-anxiety medication.

49:45Trixie Mattel:To the point where I feel like I'm watching my life from not my own body. That's horrible. It's like crazy. So I have to experiment with some medicine. I've talked to two doctors who were too busy to see me. Love it. So I got passed on to a third. And luckily, in about six to eight weeks, I can get an appointment. But you know, it's nothing compared to the dermatologist. Yeah.

50:08Katya Zamolodchikova:If you make an appointment, your child will be able to see them. Literally. Generational drama. Literally. Did you finish Fallout? Yeah, I finished it ages ago.

50:18Trixie Mattel:Oh, it's just the last episode was like two weeks ago. Oh, there's a new season. Yeah, it's season two. Oh, I didn't know. I just, I don't know anybody in it. I do. I don't know the makeup artists. I know all of them.

50:29Katya Zamolodchikova:Personally, we're friends.

50:30Trixie Mattel:Well, we're over there being friends with them. I'm in Brooklyn trying to survive this economy. I just want to say at a time where like the human, the human, human experience scares me. Yeah. The world scares me. Humans and their nature and their violent nature scares me. Yeah. This show giving us this not too distant or not too unbelievable impression of the destruction to come and how the fallout of that would be is, is ripe and I hate like right on time, but like now more than ever, but it just is very beautiful show to watch. Yeah. And I've, I've been playing those games for 15 years, those fallout games.

51:16Trixie Mattel:So I know the world very well. And I had no expectation that I would love the show as much as I do. Walton Goggins. Walton. He eats. Yeah. Yeah. He eats. No nose have an ass. He also ate in righteous gemstones. Okay. On his character, Uncle Baby Billy.

51:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Uncle Baby Billy. Love it. Also, the woman who played Seema on the show and just like that eats in Fallout season one. She surely does. She plays a character who then, it turns out it has another motive. She turns out to be a villain. Fierce. Is it Barb? It's the woman. She looks like South Asian. I can't remember what her character's name is in Fallout, but she's a leader.

51:53Trixie Mattel:Oh, I know what you're talking about. Gorgeous. Gorgeous and incredible.

51:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Really, really, really turned the party in this series unlike in Just Like That, which nobody could turn the party because that was - There was no party to be turned. There was no party to be turned. Yeah, they participated in that debacle. Yeah. Where she turned it in this show, I feel like. I feel like with bad movies and bad experiences,

52:14Trixie Mattel:I feel like that Sex and the City, like nobody's fun anymore. I'm like, movies aren't good anymore.

52:19Katya Zamolodchikova:New York is dead. Right. And she just falls and dies. Right.

52:22Trixie Mattel:Love that shit. There is an actress in Fallout that I have been thinking about pretty much every hour. Her name is Frances Turner. and she plays Walton Goggins wife who works at Vault-Tec. Yeah, I definitely would know her face. She works at Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec. Perhaps the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Pull her up, please. Just beautiful. And the hair and the makeup they do on her in the show is so bewitching. And her performance is so beautiful and good that I like look forward to every scene she could be in.

52:55Katya Zamolodchikova:What's his name?

53:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Kyle McLaughlin Eats Eats

53:06Trixie Mattel:I met him Brittany was throwing an event for her pod There she is The teeth, the lashes, the hair The skin She was also in The Boys She was in The Boys

53:19Katya Zamolodchikova:Who did she play in The Boys? I believe it's in this season

53:24Trixie Mattel:I don't want to spoil Maybe it's in the first season The reveal that that. Vault-Tec is evil. Well, Vault-Tec is evil because corporations are evil, but the reveal that she is kind of one of the hands that pushes forward the bombs dropping because she's like, I know humans, humans are going to do it. So we might as well do it. And that way we can control what happens after. She's a mom. She has a daughter. And so she's like, well, if I can control when these bombs fall and secure that my daughter can be safe in a vault when it happens, which basically is instrumental in the bombing because she wants to make sure that if the bombs are going to, I don't know.

54:08Trixie Mattel:It just broke my heart. That just, um, her character in the whole, so I just can't wait to see what happens. Yeah. No, don't make me wait. Don't skimp on the quality of the show, but could you make it in like a week or two? Could you have it ready tomorrow morning? Could you just, just hurry up and make it and the makeup, the makeup artistry on the ghoul, this missing nose with the skin, like,

54:25Katya Zamolodchikova:yeah. television having great hair and makeup where movies look like shit.

54:32Trixie Mattel:What is that?

54:34Katya Zamolodchikova:She, well, you're not going to the movies, Mary. How do you know? Boop. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of life. Can you believe that? Yes, I can. And I will do that on my Tik TOK once I learn how. Yeah. And I want us to do a Tik TOK together. Do you know, it's the Catherine Tate one from 75 ,000 years ago. Whale Rosemary. Whale Kathleen. You know he's a gay monarch. You know that one?

55:01Trixie Mattel:No but I'll learn it for you. Okay it's great.

55:03Katya Zamolodchikova:We'll have a good time. I used to do drag.

55:05Trixie Mattel:I used to memorize spoken word lip syncs.

55:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah yeah yeah. I mean I'm gonna latch onto that Gary Brucey one and put it in every mix I do from now on. Tonight at Apoco Lipstick. Okay bye. Wait wait wait wait.

55:17Trixie Mattel:Why don't you plug the show that's tonight? So people can get tickets.

55:19Katya Zamolodchikova:Also the abrupt yeah we're having a show. by the time this airs today, by the time this airs, you will have about two weeks left to buy some tickets to the show. That's happening on February 12th of 2026. It's a called apocalyptic, which is such a great show name. It's great. End of the world. Fallout. Yeah. doing a riveting number by Selena Gomez, not her voice, but a cover of her in Russian. Can't wait to do it. Don't know the words. Hopefully we'll buy tonight. Thank you. Oh my God. Okay. Bye. One last thing. We're about to end the show now. So get ready. Here we go. Three, two, one. Goodbye.

55:55Katya Zamolodchikova:Bye. Because it's too abrupt when we end. I've been listening to the pod. I know. We kind of do just end. It's like my teacher yanking the cord out of the wall.

56:04Trixie Mattel:Can I ask the group and the audience here? I like when pods sometimes at the end will share a lovely comment from a fan. Great. That's how you know.

56:12Katya Zamolodchikova:Could we do that? Maybe we'll do a ding sound so that you know you have like 10 minutes to exit the building before it blows up. Well, it'll be behind a paywall.

56:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, yeah, all the content leading up to it will be trash. If you want the goodbye section, it'll be in the paywall.

56:29Trixie Mattel:People will pay just to hear the goodbyes.

56:31Katya Zamolodchikova:And it's so good. It's so good. It's unforgettable. So do the ding and then, were you going to share something, a comment? Oh, you know what? I do have a good comment. Okay, go ahead.

56:39Trixie Mattel:You know, this is more organic. I got this text today. I don't want to embarrass her. I won't say her name, but she's a comic. And she said, a belated congrats on 250 episodes. as a podcaster myself I don't respect the medium and as a comedian I never even laugh but I listen to your pod religiously and it makes me laugh consistently

56:59Katya Zamolodchikova:that is unironically very good

57:02Trixie Mattel:as a podcaster I don't respect the medium I agree

57:05Katya Zamolodchikova:and as a comedian I never laugh love love that's actually really touching praise thank you

57:12Trixie Mattel:next week I want to tell you all about the Plastique and Nymphia show I saw last night

57:16Katya Zamolodchikova:oh I didn't go Yeah.

57:19Trixie Mattel:You did. I heard that you requested tickets and didn't show.

57:22Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no, no, no. I was offered tickets. I accepted them and then sent my regrets in. Oh, thank God. Thank you very much. Okay. Goodbye. Bye.

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