A Triumph of Pure Delight with Trixie and Katya

8:22Katya Zamolodchikova:All of them, all of them. They would love to be like,

8:24Trixie Mattel:bet you really thought, Kyle.

8:26Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Bet you really thought. Bet you really thought that this was a pivotal moment in your shit ass career. Well, guess what? It's not, you big fat bitch.

8:33Trixie Mattel:Yeah, nice try, Heifer. Why don't you put her on your iPhone and make some TikToks, bitch?

8:37Katya Zamolodchikova:You know, because - Why don't you try to get your socials up, you flop, because it's never going to happen for you

8:41Trixie Mattel:on Hollywood. Because a super fan of the comeback and hacks, even super fans who beg for the job publicly, who get a part written for them, can't even show up and succeed at line reading a part that was written for them. For them. In their voice. In their voice. As them. No. One day read.

8:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Mary. Let me tell you. Let me tell you something. So I, so I get the date. Of course, I go in for a fitting. The costume designer is, you can tell a costume designer is legit the way this woman's legit. You know, I don't know how to explain it, but she was, I don't know how to explain it. She had a serious, authoritative it was just nice. She wasn't super warm or sweet but she knew what she was fucking doing and I could tell that she had done the job for a long time. I was a little scared of her.

9:30Trixie Mattel:TV people in costume are usually they're dressed chic but it's all very downplayed. It's like a really nice t-shirt. It's a really nice pair of jeans. They're not like what are you looking at? No, no, no. It wasn't like,

9:45Katya Zamolodchikova:she didn't come in voguing or anything. But she was an older lady who came in and I could just tell she had an air about her, authoritative air. Small, small lady. And it was Jean Smart

9:55Trixie Mattel:because they, they do multiple roles over on that show.

9:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Jean Smart and I, I brought my selection of boo-boo, nasty, hoochie outfits. Oh God, you didn't go down there with your Albanian hoochie store shit. Of course I did with my little, I had a small selection of Debra Vance-like outfits. The only allowed me to wear the shoes that I brought. But I ended up wearing Debra's costume because I am what? 5 '2", 120 pounds, just like Debra Vance. No, she's really tall. So Jean Smart's actually quite tall. And we fit into the same sequin duster, the same chemise blouse, the same sequin pants, which were boiling hot. I love that. So that's my first spiral.

10:37Trixie Mattel:Right. Spiraling.

10:40Katya Zamolodchikova:So then they moved the date up three weeks.

10:42Trixie Mattel:Fierce. Into three days. And you needed that time to learn that one line. Well, baby. High point coffee. Yeah.

10:50Katya Zamolodchikova:It's decaffeinated. Well, the fiercest thing is that the moment the day, well, I'm just getting ahead of myself, but sidebar, and I'll go back to it. The day that the trailer comes out for what had become the best day of my professional life by bar, the best day of my life, I get a check for the worst day of my life from residuals. from a show. Oh, from... Was it from... Yeah. Leave that out. But it's... Put something else in.

11:20Trixie Mattel:Was it from The Price is Right?

11:21Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it was from Double Anal Angels. Was it the time that you were on The Price is Right?

11:25Trixie Mattel:And you guessed that that Pontiac Grand Prix was$4? Yes. That was humiliating. No, it was my guess on Double Anal Angels. Girl, I get a really cunty residual from Drew Barrymore's show. That is so weird. For a talk show?

11:37Katya Zamolodchikova:I guess it gets replayed, yeah. Mama, thank you, Sag. Because I sure did pay my dues, which were$3 ,000. Hello. Oh. Anyways. Sag. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sag. But so after the fitting, I spiral. I spiral because I'm like, this is going to be so hot. Hot lights. I'm going to be so nervous. I'm just terrified.

11:55Trixie Mattel:You also have a self-sabotaging streak.

11:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, duh. Exactly. Are you getting haxed?

12:00Trixie Mattel:Does he realize this is your death note?

12:02Katya Zamolodchikova:I know. I know. And it's like, and not to be dramatic, but if I had this, I'm not joking. I would be in a very, very, I would. No, this is what I think happened.

12:13Trixie Mattel:No, I would have been. I would have killed myself. I know. Have you received? Maybe there's a part two. Paul Downs. Call her back. Make the part. Reshoot. And we're going to need the part in Spanish. I think that when they asked you, because you're self-sabotaging. When you looked at your phone and said, would you like to be on Hacks? I think you put it down. And it was that part in Forrest Gump. Where she gets out on the ledge. Where she's on the ledge, Jenny. and she's ready to jump.

12:43Katya Zamolodchikova:I step on the table of cocaine. Free that.

12:47Trixie Mattel:Yes. Totally. Well, you know,

12:50Katya Zamolodchikova:it was Zoe Bell on the hood of the car with no straps. For sure. I know. I can't wait to see the show. You're going to be, you look great. Well, let me tell you, let me tell you more. Okay. So it was a huge, so I, mama, baby, sweetie, darling, cunty, honey, baby, get this out of my way. The second miracle, that was the first miracle. Okay. Guess what fucking happens the night before call time 5 a.m. So I start to, I'm like, okay, okay, okay. Fina's like, you gotta go to bed. You're like, we should stay up. No, no, no, no, no. I can't. That's not an option. But I also can't tranquilize myself to go to bed because I won't wake up.

13:32Katya Zamolodchikova:So Fina's like, just make sure you're in your bed by 8 p.m. I was like, who are you talking to? She's right. Of course she's right, but it's not possible. so around 4pm that day my call time gets moved up to 11am and the way that I got bricked, so bricked up and almost spontaneously ejaculated in my pants 11am oh that's nice nice you think that's nice that's a miracle

14:02Trixie Mattel:I could never be in TV like that we need you at 5

14:06Katya Zamolodchikova:no at 5 show I got fresh showered

14:09Trixie Mattel:Not in makeup. When I was, but Mary, when I did English teacher, I had to be, I think all was like five or six and I had to start makeup that early. It was bad.

14:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. When I, yeah, I've had that experience. It's not great. So I, I, I, I learned my, all my lines. I learned all my lines. Let me say that again. I memorized my lines. And I had huge of true, but call time got moved up. I had a scene with Jean Smart. Mary, When I tell you, and it was HBO. So HBO, they know what they're doing. This is the final season of multiple Emmy winning show. And the fierce thing is that I was dressed as Debra Vance, as you can see in the picture, wearing her outfits. But they had several Debra Vance wigs for me to wear. They chose the one that Fina made because it was the best.

15:02Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. Because, girl, she turned that wig. She turned that wig's pussy into a pussoir. Yeah. The ultimate pussy. She took everybody's pussy and said, you don't have a pussy anymore because this wig is the pussy.

15:14Trixie Mattel:She deserves the recognition. She really does a great job.

15:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Mary, we showed up and I think separately we drove home. I think we both cried because it was – we reminisced that – this is a Wednesday. 15 years ago, we were doing a show called The Cream of Laughter at Jacques Cabaret for zero people together.

15:34Trixie Mattel:Who thought of that name?

15:36Katya Zamolodchikova:It was a joke. It was really just called something Wednesdays. We, that was our nickname for the night, but like, that's not, that's not the point. The cream of laughter. It's hysterical. It's fucking gross. No, I know. It's like cream and wheat. But the point is we were doing shows for nobody. We're getting paid$40, losing the bar money. Right. And doing shows. And then cut 15 years ago, Wednesday, she's designing a wig for HBO for Jean, for me to act along with Jean Smart. And she helped me with her makeup. It was, the day was like so magical. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. You're not allowed to say what happened in the scene, but I am.

16:12Trixie Mattel:Yeah. You and Jean. Miss Smart, excuse you. Sorry. You and Miss Smart.

16:19Katya Zamolodchikova:Fucked. Yeah. Yes. You know, it made love.

16:21Trixie Mattel:It made love is really like more apt, but not for what we were doing. Well, I was also hired. I was the intimacy coordinator. Yes. And I said, Jean. Yeah. Use the whole fish. She can't feel nothing. Thank you. She can't feel nothing. And you guys, don't worry about the nails, honey. Jean, get the anal paralytic. For you. for you yeah I just was so excited for you you deserve you deserve it

16:42Katya Zamolodchikova:I and no matter what happens no matter if I get cut out no matter how whatever whatever whatever I'm not involved in the editing although I email them every day what would you do if you were in the trailer and cut out of the season I honestly no no honestly to be quite honest I would probably feel relief oh that I didn't ruin their show well then you can be like

17:00Trixie Mattel:you guys missed the scene but I jump out of a helicopter I'm really the star of the season

17:04Katya Zamolodchikova:yeah

17:04Trixie Mattel:yeah you guys cherry pied

17:06Katya Zamolodchikova:yeah Mary, I pulled focus for Miss Smart. She didn't want that. She and Lisa are in hot contention for an Emmy this year, and I didn't want to get in the middle of that. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Because everybody knows I would get it for Gene.

17:19Trixie Mattel:I got my job on the comeback the same way, which is begging to the camera. Don't audition, mama.

17:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Audition. Beg. You beg. Shamelessness. You beg. You stalk. You put on that Sean Young catwoman suit. You get out front of the lawn, and you let it rip.

17:32Trixie Mattel:Yeah, I think, well, I told on this pod the story when I met Michael Patrick King at that St. Patrick's Day party.

17:39Katya Zamolodchikova:That's a little on the nose, Michael Patrick King, St. Patrick's.

17:41Trixie Mattel:I know. And now thinking back, that story was me talking to somebody else about the comeback and going, we're just talking about the comeback. And remember, I didn't know who he was.

17:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, you asshole.

17:52Trixie Mattel:It's very Valerie.

17:53Katya Zamolodchikova:It's so Valerie.

17:54Trixie Mattel:Very Valerie.

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22:21Trixie Mattel:Maybe we'll get to present at the Emmys this year, because I'll have been on the comeback and you'll have been on Hacks. Maybe I'll get to dress as Valerie, you'll dress as Jean.

22:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Honey, they have, let me tell you. We beg, we beg for jobs. If that's true, you've got a big storm coming.

22:40Trixie Mattel:Oh, as you learned, we're going to need the script for the category now.

22:45Katya Zamolodchikova:Yesterday. To start memorizing. Yeah, and I will get up there and go, I have swamp ass and leave. I can't memorize. I can memorize like you know one day Guru Nam Chhara Nadevinde but that took about 650 times right every day it's hard to memorize it's hard to memorize but you know what you do you write it down long form loved I watched the first episode of the comeback it's not as hard to memorize I mean like Glamazonian Airways

23:13Trixie Mattel:that was a cinch aboard yeah you really flopped I wish Paul Downs had seen that well they did

23:21Katya Zamolodchikova:That's why they hired me. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not done. So, um, can I tell you about Jean Smart? Yeah. Oh man, she's fucking cool. She smelled good. She's, she's, she smelled great.

23:35Trixie Mattel:Meg Salter said she smelled good.

23:36Katya Zamolodchikova:She smelled great. She smells a little like freshly fucked, but I'm just kidding. No, like, um, so we get, we get there. I'm nervous as hell. I'm so nervous. I mean, I'm so, I'm so fucking nervous. Dream job turns into nightmare. ruin it. And of course, and I've, there's so many ways in which I can ruin it and have ruined stuff before. Like, and I, and I can, I can, I am so familiar with the air in the look of frustration and disappointment on people's faces that it's becomes a palpable, like a weather pattern. And it only that ride home in the car could go very differently. The ride home in the car would go off a cliff.

24:13Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so the, she so fucking sweet. Sophia, she's like, want to run lines?

24:20Trixie Mattel:And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do.

24:22Katya Zamolodchikova:And then in two seconds, I was like, not nervous.

24:26Trixie Mattel:What if you said no? I was like, do you want to run lines?

24:28Katya Zamolodchikova:No, you old bitch.

24:29Trixie Mattel:No bitch. I know my lines. I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning. And when I think of Sarah Michelle Gellar making an, basically an hour movie every week, it's a 50 minute episode, whatever. Yeah.

24:42Katya Zamolodchikova:It's basically like soap opera schedules, right? Yes. And fight choreography.

24:47Trixie Mattel:She's in fights every week. And sex scenes. Honestly, all of it. I think of her learning it quickly and I Googled, how would you do this? She was on all my children, the part of her brain that could do soap and then just dumps it. She was like, I think she has said that that helped her memorize quickly.

25:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Wish I could do that. I know that's like Lisa Rinna when she was on, she was on like Melrose, whatever those, or she was on soaps as well. Like you just, you do like 20 pages a day or some crazy shit like that. And you just, you just got to.

25:17Trixie Mattel:Yeah. I have a friend who's on general hospital and I said, how do you do that? I heard from, I talked about the Buffy thing. I said, I heard a Sarum Tull Giller or talking about how you learn so fast. He said, it's an exercise in acting because you don't get a second chance of anything. He's like, once you've got it, you didn't mess up the words, you move on. So he says as an actor, it has really taught him to throw it all out there every time because you're not like, oh, well, my fifth take will be great. It's like, no, it has to be great every time.

25:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Whereas like, I mean, who is it? Somebody was talking, Julie Roberts was talking about working with Andrew Garfield on that movie. And like, she's the type of person who's like, okay, she doesn't want to do 50 takes. And he does want to do 50 takes. Oh God. I don't know.

25:58Trixie Mattel:I think actors work differently.

26:00Katya Zamolodchikova:They work a lot. Movies, Mary, movies are a whole different thing.

26:04Trixie Mattel:What's great about this season is that Jean's not in it and you just played her. Because what I saw in the trailer was you dressed as her, which I thought meant Jean quit the first day. Yes. And they got the only person who could fill in for her.

26:14Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Well, she's actually co-starring on The Comeback, which is strange. And then, you know, Valerie comes into my season later, but we don't talk about you. And it's a whole, yeah, no. It was the best day of my life. That's great. And if it doesn't air or if I die before then or they cut me out, I don't give a shit. I mean, I don't want to die, but, and I prefer they not cut me out.

26:33Trixie Mattel:Now I think they won't because you're in the trailer. For a nanosecond. I didn't celebrate The Comeback until I saw the trailer and I was like, okay, good. What if they cut us both out?

26:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, I'm going to say this. I got feedback from one of the directors and they said, well, how about this? When I, when I was done, they said like, you were Jenny Craig. We couldn't use the footage because of the back. Your back rolls. We needed the wider lens. No, no, no. They said, you killed it. Oh, that's good. But I think they were talking about the possum in my trailer. love i don't know i i i cried on the way home of tears of joy all i pray for is air conditioning that's all i pray for so that's what i that's why i got that mucus sucking medication which i know somebody chimed in in the comments which i never read um that it's it's a very dangerous medication because it dries up all your mucus membranes it's not safe it's for event specific hyperhidrosis right i don't take it every day i've taken it

27:34Trixie Mattel:twice. But you telling me to take it at music festivals is not good advice. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

27:40Katya Zamolodchikova:But that's when you told me to take it. I said you could try it at a music festival if you are available to be super hydrated, but you're not in 120 degree heat.

27:49Trixie Mattel:Okay.

27:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Because this was... I'm going to

27:52Trixie Mattel:ask my primary care physician.

27:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Ask him about it. I asked an MD about it. I told him exactly the scenario, and then they prescribed it to me. Sure. But here's the thing. It dries up all your mucous membranes. You get dry mouth. You get very, very dry. and your pee, your pussy, you will not squirt. Can I get wet? No. Damn. You won't squirt? There'll be a Sahara down there. Damn. The Sahara. Like the Gobi. Damn. From the Yangtze to the Gobi. But wait, wait. So it's not great for you, but it was an emergency situation. Because think about it. Like sweating, once the mustache goes, Mary.

28:29Trixie Mattel:It's over. It's over. It's over. And Jean goes,

28:32Katya Zamolodchikova:is that sweating? Yeah. Get this faggot out of here. Because she famously runs cold. Oh, here we go. That's, and I know that I heard that. She's like, I hate how cold it is on set. And I'm like, fuck. That would drive me insane. Yeah. But she was, um, anyways, yeah, it worked for the, um, uh, it worked when Fina, I mean, I didn't really actually, no, that's not true. Cause we, we got kind of physical, the scene. Cause of the fucking. Yes. And normally I would have walked out of that scene. Cause I really went for it, you know, and I would have walked out of that scene drenched got back into the trailer bone dry love the bone temple

29:14Trixie Mattel:well when it comes out I'm going to have to talk about it again because I'm going to want to know I want to know about

29:19Katya Zamolodchikova:the reason I'm there is interesting and it's integral to the plot of the season which I don't know I know the whole episode but it's going to be the episode sounds wild it sounds really crazy and I cannot wait to watch it. And I mean, I'm like, I love all those people. I've been to Hannah Einbinder's like standup show at the Dynasty Typewriter. She's incredible. I've worked with Marc and Delicato on that Celebrity Drag Race thing. We danced together, Lost. Celebrity Drag Race. Rotten. Are they still doing that? I don't know. I hope they don't. They shouldn't. Were you talking about air conditioning, baby?

29:55Katya Zamolodchikova:That place was a little abusively air conditioned. Celebrity Drag Race? Yeah. Love it. It was like 30 degrees. Love. It was a little, for me, I was actually like, this is bad for our joints.

30:05Trixie Mattel:I love, oh, I love that. One time Tom Feeney, Thomas Feeney, he was like, for the Hello Hello video, he was like, you know, if it's too cold, it's actually bad for your joints, baby. Yeah. Get ready to break those knees.

30:15Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes. Yeah. Boniva. But then joke's on you. I showed up and it was 98 degrees. Oh, that's right. And that velvet, that velveteen rabbit suit. Ay-yi-yi.

30:25Trixie Mattel:I'm at the point where I don't even walk up. When it's hot tomorrow, I don't walk up and say anything. I just power down and go inside myself.

30:32Katya Zamolodchikova:Take your glycopyrrolate. Just kidding.

30:33Trixie Mattel:Like that scene in Precious where she like goes outside of her body. That's me. When it's that hot in drag, I go like, well, I'm going to turn on my peripheral personality and go inside myself and think about everything bad that's ever happened to me and will ever happen to me.

30:46Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm going to astrally project above myself. Yes. So as to avoid the trauma. I just saw Paul Downs at the Quirties. Mama, let's talk about his skin. Let's talk about his hair. Let's talk about his personality. The way that man is so lovely, so hot, so nice, so funny. I would just chain him to a radiator and fuck him to death.

31:05Trixie Mattel:Okay. That didn't happen at the Queer Tees. He was introducing Meg because she received an award, major award.

31:10Katya Zamolodchikova:In her American flag outfit?

31:12Trixie Mattel:Her American flag with her tramp stamp. And she also was on the red carpet just going, the president should be in jail. Vote for Meg.

31:18Katya Zamolodchikova:So funny. What was her acceptance speech like? I forget. It was hysterical. She's out of her mind. She's out of her mind. She's out of her mind. When she was on Colbert, it was some late night show when she had a long, long, long wig. And she's like, she mentions when I'm on my big period.

31:35Trixie Mattel:My big period. When I have my big period. She's going to do her big one.

31:39Katya Zamolodchikova:And it was just too much. I think it was Stephen Colbert. It might have been. But he didn't even know what to do with that lady because she is too hot for TV. She's amazing.

31:48Trixie Mattel:Oh, that's the one where she goes, get me out of here. She is so out of here.

31:53Katya Zamolodchikova:You ever been in London and you just go to breakfast and you're like, get me out of here. What a fucking bitch. Probably my favorite person in this whole fucking world.

32:09Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I grew up on the mean streets of Marlboro, Massachusetts, raised not just by a family, but by a rotating council of terrifyingly strong women. They were Sheila at Finnegan's Pub, built like a bar stool and emotionally sharper than a steak knife. She could pour a Guinness and end a bar fight with a single nasty look from her lazy eye. Then there was Denise, the local postal carrier who marched through the sleet, the snow, and nasty little terriers like a suburban war hero in ill-fitting shorts. And lastly, there was Darlene for Fluff's sake, the dog groomer who once shaved only the front part of my neighbor's poodle to make it look like the dog was jumping out of its own fur, simply because the owner called her a nasty name.

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33:52Trixie Mattel:Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by SeatGeek. You guys, with over 35 million downloads, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app. I'm going to tell you a real story that actually happened. So I was in Milwaukee visiting my mom, and my mom and my aunt love Joan Jett, and I love Joan Jett. And about 20 years ago, when I was 16 years old, my aunt took me to see Joan Jett at Milwaukee Pride Fest. So I was driving, I saw a billboard that had Joan Jett playing with Billy Idol on it, and oh my god, it was the next day, August 29th in Milwaukee. I pulled over. I called my mom.

34:23Trixie Mattel:I said, do you want to go see this tomorrow? She said, yes. I got on my SeatGeek app and I got tickets. Now I'm taking my mother who has mobility issues. And I love the SeatGeek app because if you're like me with arthritis or my mom who has osteoarthritis in her knees, I want to know about standing. I want to know how much walking there is. I want to know exactly what the visibility is if we're going to be in the ADA section with my mom. and I love SeatGeek because they have a 1 through 10 rating system where you can get the rating of the seat based on visibility, quality of the show, etc. With over 70 ,000 events listed on SeatGeek, including concerts, sports, festivals, even more, you're going to love SeatGeek.

35:02Trixie Mattel:I went to see Devo at the Hollywood Bowl and I got to use SeatGeek to check out a garden box seat. And when I got to the show, the view was exactly what I previewed on the app. Exactly. It was amazing. Plus, every ticket is backed by a buyer guarantee. So concert season is about to kick off. To make it even better, you can use the code BALD10 for 10 % off your SeatGeek tickets. That's 10 % off tickets with promo code BALD10.

35:27Katya Zamolodchikova:Thank you, SeatGeek. Love you. This episode is sponsored by Queens. There are summons one does not merely take, but rather enter as though stepping into a painting, such as my upcoming jaunt to the Amalfi Coast in June. Picture it, whitewashed villas that sleep in the moonlight, a straw height tilted towards the sea, the hush of linen in a hotel corridor, a polished wooden boat idling at the marina, waiting to carry you and a lover past cliffs, grottoes, and little crescents of beach only Zeus can find. And for these such days, I find myself wanting fewer yet finer things, quality over quantity.

36:02Katya Zamolodchikova:That is why I love queens. The fabric feel exquisite, the lines are graceful, and the prices have the marvelous good sense of reality. I'm going into Russia now. Queens makes beautiful staples in 100 % linen, 100 % silk, and organic cotton poplin with gauze that is tender but never flimsy, and lightweight cotton cashmere sweaters for the cool blue hour when dinner begins on the terrace atop crashing waves, crisp poplin for espresso in the piazza, linen trousers for afternoon spent sunning on deck, seasonal colors and prints for promenades, moonlit suppers and mornings when the shutters open under the sea, And because Queens works directly with safe ethical factories and cuts out the middleman, you are paying for craftsmanship, not theater.

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37:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash bald for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash bald. Can I tell you about the Queerty's? Oh, yes, yes, yes. You looked fetching. Oh, thank you.

37:36Trixie Mattel:Very nice gown. Amy built that gown beautiful. I did the hair. Fina was out of town working with you.

37:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

37:41Trixie Mattel:And there's no hair and makeup people left in Los Angeles who do drag hair and makeup. No.

37:45Katya Zamolodchikova:There's Chaz Dean and that's it.

37:46Trixie Mattel:It's a weird thing where there's hair people and makeup people. But drag is different. Of course. And the problem is you need veteran drag queens to do it.

38:00Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

38:00Trixie Mattel:But drag queens are notoriously alcoholic, unreliable whores. So to find a unicorn like Fina, who has drag knowledge, who's reliable.

38:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Who wakes up at 6 a.m. Everybody keeps moving away. Not because she comes to. Yeah, I know.

38:13Trixie Mattel:All my usual people, I'm like, are you available? Are you available? Because I need somebody who can glue lace and fix some makeup. Well, honey, don't ever.

38:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Don't think that Fina is yours, baby. Because I have claimed that. I got a tramp stamp on her branded. Oh, I know.

38:25Trixie Mattel:You must pay better than me. That's got to be what it is.

38:27Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, I find out whatever you offer and I triple it. Makes sense. That's why I'm in such dire financial space.

38:34Trixie Mattel:the queerties was easy I showed up I did my test what was your best joke no good jokes no they were really funny which one did I like oh I said if you guys get nervous about the queerties remember that no one even knows what they are they're like RuPaul songs and that only the people in this room even know they exist pretty fun oh Raven Simonier incredible sense of humor I said I said Raven Simonier's here tonight but she probably already knew that and I didn't watch till the feed, but the feed is just her like. Cause she probably doesn't even remember being on that show. No, and then I go, I'm Trixie Mattel and you're watching the Queerty's and I did like the Disney Channel thing.

39:12Trixie Mattel:I'm telling you, she doesn't even remember. But maybe it's the editing, but I watched the feed on TikTok and it kept cutting to her not laughing, but I'm sure she did laugh, whatever. She was probably laughing so much she puked. Yeah, but I will say this story. Okay, so I was going to do the Queerty's and they asked me and I said, well, I've seen Jinx do it and Alaska and Bob. And when I know from going to the Queerty's to host it, what I know from going is that people are so drunk and talking. No one is even listening. So what I've learned is I said, Bob, it actually inspired me because you three are so funny.

39:38Trixie Mattel:And I've been in the audience. No one's really listening. It's kind of freeing. Just talk to the camera, do your job. I was like, Bob. And he, Bob goes, well, actually when I did it, a lot of people laughed and people actually really liked it. And people came up to me and said, they thought it was really funny. I said, okay, perfect. Nevermind. No common ground then. We're good. Okay, good. Actually, what most people consider a failure, I actually see that. I was like, girl, I'm saying you were funny, but I'm saying that in that environment, everyone's drunk and no one's paying attention. It's not the Oscars.

40:04Trixie Mattel:Yes. So I was like, thanks for the confidence, Bob. Perfect. Bob's like, actually, I was incredible. Got it. Yeah. I didn't mention you're also ugly. Right. Right. And Bob said, everyone's saying that you look bad. My press release for the Queerty's was that this year they went with pretty.

40:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Fierce.

40:18Trixie Mattel:Nice. But it was easy. Just go and read your lines. Read your lines. Funny, funny, funny. Leave. Oh, I said, last, I said, you guys were hearing David Archuleta did that Paula Abdul tribute. because he did one a few years ago, I said, I was so inspired. I've been doing a Lady Bunny tribute for the past 17 years.

40:32Katya Zamolodchikova:That's hysterical. That's so good. And then Gen Z is like, who's Lady Bunny?

40:36Trixie Mattel:Yeah, Gen Alpha's like, six plus seven. With the Sigma. Crazy. What else? What was that highlight? It was easy. I just sat. Big stars, big stars. Big stars, of course, Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho. Paul Downs, Meg Stalter, May Martin.

40:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Does everybody have to be queer, queer adjacent?

40:52Trixie Mattel:No, you can win for doing, I think. For playing gay? I think. where Hudson the cast of Boots was there

40:59Katya Zamolodchikova:oh I watched that

41:01Trixie Mattel:Boots was there who else was a lot of people were there I went by like a blur but they put me next to the stage with a little glass of wine so I just had to sit backstage and wait and wait to go on and talk and there was one part where I guess I was spacing out and somebody walked off stage and I have this thing where when I make a mistake on stage I tell the audience I don't know what that is it's a bad bad instance but I ran out on stage after some dinner and I go I'm here I'm here sorry I was drinking That's funny. But that wasn't comedy. That was me just being like, I was over there drinking.

41:30Trixie Mattel:That's funny. But you should just pay attention. Yeah, I mean - I was back there with wine like, yeah. Is somebody going to host? Like, what the fuck?

41:38Katya Zamolodchikova:That's fierce though.

41:39Trixie Mattel:It was really easy and then I just went home. But I got to see Paul and I fucking, I said, you know, Katya, we talked about you again on Hacks and it was exciting.

41:48Katya Zamolodchikova:They should do it. You've seen House, that weird medical show. Yeah. They're going to do it. Not weirder than every medical show. Oh, I know. But they should do a crossover. boots the house down. You know what I mean? Where they all become medical students, all the Marine guys, and then it's gay. How do you think the actors on those shows memorize medical jargon? Oh, baby. Because I've been watching industry. You want to talk about financial jargon? Baby. Shorts. I don't even, read derivatives. Wearing shorts. No, like, we're going to short the fund, the hedge. I mean, I have 60 % of the dialogue.

42:22Katya Zamolodchikova:I couldn't tell you what the fuck it was. and I don't want to learn because I hate finance. The show is so riveting. I had to turn it off because it got really dark and depressing. It's a lot of sex, a lot of violence, a lot of really grim people doing despicable things. It's excellent. Kit Harington is cunty in it and so is everybody else. But it's like, girl, I don't know, finance, trading, all that bullshit. None of it. But it still rivets me. Is that it? Can you be, can you be?

42:46Trixie Mattel:I don't know these words. No, I mean,

42:48Katya Zamolodchikova:can I, is it weird to say it rivets me? No, I think it's good.

42:51Trixie Mattel:It's riveting.

42:52Katya Zamolodchikova:I was riveted by it. It rivets me.

42:53Trixie Mattel:I think that is wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got riveted. Yeah.

42:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Frog rivets and I get riveted. I'd love for a guy to rivet me. You know? Both legs. Sorry. But yeah, no, I don't know. The jargon. And do you think it's satisfying for actors?

43:12Trixie Mattel:I do think house is funny because it's always like, but menstrual cramps. It's always like, I know you think that you need your prescription change in your glasses, but you're pregnant with triplets. Or like the leap is - Do you have a gun in your vagina?

43:23Katya Zamolodchikova:That is on the ER or Grey's Anatomy. That's funny.

43:27Trixie Mattel:Your daughter said she's a virgin. It's always like your nine-year-old doesn't have brain cancer. She's pregnant. It's crazy.

43:32Katya Zamolodchikova:But on the pit, it's like, we need three cc's of Thorazine. It's like, did you see on Saturday Night Live?

43:40Trixie Mattel:Did you see? It's like the pit, but it's like Make America Healthy Again edition. And it's like, we need beef tallow and brown milk or whatever. They're like prescribing. milk.

43:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Wait, speaking of Maha, and I know we can't touch or talk on this on the pod perhaps, but I watched the Jillian...

43:59Trixie Mattel:What do you mean we can't talk about it? It's all I've thought about.

44:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Why didn't you start with this? Well, because I'm edging you for the next episode when I put my other t-shirt on and let it rip! I cannot tell you how badly we need to talk about it. Baby, the way I had to take a break, because Andrew and I watched it at the studio, 45 minutes in, I said, we need to pause this. Why can't we talk about it? We're going to. Next episode. Honey. So why bring it up now? For Cliffhanger. Oh, okay. They're never going to tune in. You get me all horny.

44:34Trixie Mattel:I watch a lot of Jubilee content. I think that, I thought the Queen's Jubilee was just about her body being brought around the world. They do a really good job. It's obviously very engaging. It's fun to watch people be passionate and fight. I watch a lot of Jubilee. Never heard of it. And some people call it rage baiting where you're baiting the audience to just be enraged watching people. You know, I was I was the biggest trout in the in the in the lake. But it's right up with like. OK, we'll talk about it next. Don't mind if I do. Watching Dr. Mike talk, be surrounded by anti-vaxxers. Like I like to watch the audacity of people with no medical background.

45:12Trixie Mattel:Sit down with doctors and be like, well, actually.

45:16Katya Zamolodchikova:We'll get to it when we hear the next episode. It was exasperating. It was, I had to constantly check my blood pressure. I had to take my Lassartan twice. I had to do the, you know what I mean? I had to do yoga breaths, you know, cooling breaths. We got to turn the AC on. I had to take a walk around the block, get some tacos. I needed a break.

45:37Trixie Mattel:Yeah. I had a joy. What's your joy? Well, got to go to Dollywood. Right. I've been on my theme park kick. Dollywood, two weekends ago. Thanks for the invite, by the way. Going to Disneyland this weekend.

45:48Katya Zamolodchikova:You like Disney. Oh, yeah.

45:50Trixie Mattel:I splurged on the VIP tour guide to do the whole park in a day. You do it underground, the underground pizza shop. Oh, yeah. You walk in the exit. They say, which cart do you want? How many rides do you want to ride it?

45:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you see the secret, you know, what's on there?

46:00Trixie Mattel:I met Mickey. He's not what you think. Huge, huge bloated Italian guy. I walk in. He has a pile. He has an Easter basket full of fingers he's cut off that day.

46:13Katya Zamolodchikova:That he wears as a penis packer.

46:16Trixie Mattel:And he was making friendship bracelets. He said, are you Tracy? Come sit down. And I sat down. It was me. You know who else it was? It was Timothee Chalamet. Mickey loves opera. Of course he does. So Timothee Chalamet, all the toes had been removed. Yeah. And made him dance. Yep. Oh my God. Did you see, you know, Caitlin Riley?

46:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

46:33Trixie Mattel:Who I love, the comedian. She did a skit on her TikTok that was talking about like ballet and opera sitting down with Timothee Chalamet. Oh God. And it was like the next time you say anything about us, we're cutting off your fingers.

46:46Katya Zamolodchikova:That was so good. Oh, baby, the Dune 3 trailer got me so hard. What's dude? Dune. Are you turned on? Wait, dude 3. Dude 3. Are you turned on, turned up, didn't turn out? What is it? There's a - Get on up! That's you watching the Dune trailer. I fall through a ceiling into a split somehow. Mary, the way that trailer has me bricked and just gooned, and I watched it 16 to 17 times, because you know I'm about to - I'm going to see that thing in 60 because the 5d is when they shake the chairs. The 60 is when I squirt through the screen girl.

47:22Trixie Mattel:I went to see a movie recently. I sat in one of those D box chairs. Do you know about this D box D box? It's the ones where they go like that and they poke you.

47:31Katya Zamolodchikova:I hate that shit. I went with my boyfriend. He said,

47:33Trixie Mattel:if we're paying for this, we got to turn them up all the way. I said, okay, they fuck you. The way I got sore and nauseous.

47:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh yeah. It's awful. Like in the movie, In the movie, if they're driving down a smooth road.

47:45Trixie Mattel:Yeah.

47:46Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no.

47:47Trixie Mattel:Mary, God forbid somebody spits in somebody's mouth. Oh, in the scene, if there's sex, you get fingered. In the movie, if there's like a fingering scene, you feel a robot hand just reach up. Hate it. And then just really just get your click crunched up. Sometimes they don't make sense. Like in the scene, it's like Fast and the Furious. They're driving a car. Who's tweaking my nipples? What sense does that make? Wait, why are they wired?

48:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, because he's hot wiring a car.

48:10Trixie Mattel:Everything's sexual. I'm going to have a D box chair that everything's sexual. I think that's just called a fuck machine. You're watching the notebook. If they kiss. Yes.

48:17Katya Zamolodchikova:You're got your legs up. Like it's hydraulic machines.

48:20Trixie Mattel:And you're watching the country bears.

48:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Kirby too fully loaded. Yes. No, but when they got stabbed in dune, you, you felt a jab. I was like, I'm not here for that. No violence. Not in this chair.

48:31Trixie Mattel:I had to turn it down. It was taking me out. I went to, uh, okay. I went to Dollywood, went with a big group, bunch of my friends from Milwaukee, bunch of my friends from Kentucky. We all went. And, um, Pigeon Forge, Dolly built Dollywood in her hometown in rural Tennessee. So it's this entire community that's all about this theme park that she dropped there so that she could stimulate the economy in her, you know, because Dolly's endlessly generous, of course. It was amazing. It was the I Will Always Love You Music Festival season. So all of the decorations were pink. It was amazing. I was freaking out.

49:02Trixie Mattel:Rode all the rides. The rides are death defying. They're serious roller coasters.

49:05Katya Zamolodchikova:That is so cunty. I want to go so bad.

49:07Trixie Mattel:Then I went to this show that was like this life story of Dolly show, which you would have hated. It's like musical theater with singing, but it's the story of Dolly. It was so interesting. They do it with like eight different Dollies. So as they go through the phases of her career, it's like a transition happens. A scrim goes by. There's a new Dolly in a new outfit comes out singing a new song. And you're like, ah.

49:27Katya Zamolodchikova:That's so fierce.

49:28Trixie Mattel:That was really fierce. And then there's a few things I want to go to. One of them I didn't go to. It's Kentucky Kingdom. It is a religious theme theme park, but I'm not going to give religious people money. The other thing I want to go to is the creationism museum where you can see like Adam and Eve riding raptors, but I don't want to give them money, but it's like Adam and Eve naked riding raptors. And then Satan sending the meteor. Right. Yes. But what I did go to, it's crazy. I read in pigeon forge there's, you know, I'm getting my parrot and I read there's a place called parrot mountain, which is an outdoor parrot sanctuary.

50:02Trixie Mattel:And I went, obviously I'm going. Yeah. So I went and they have all these rare parrot species, rarit species, if you will. And I get in there, I pay my money. I go in, I, they got lorikeets, they got cockatiels, they got cockatoos, they got macaws, they got African greys, they got anything which you would ever want. And all these parrots are free roaming, shiny, happy, happy, and healthy. And I have a million questions. I go, where are the predators? How are the wild hawks not killing these birds? And they said, there's too many birds here. They're making too much noise. The other birds are like, we're not coming over here.

50:32Trixie Mattel:and they said it was so interesting pulled in all these birds got to hold a black cockatoo which is super rare it was so exciting I don't have a further story other than I got to go up to all these whatever species of bird you want to see not only can you see them you can walk up and hold them and feed them

50:49Katya Zamolodchikova:would you say you're a bird fan?

50:50Trixie Mattel:am I a bird fan?

50:51Katya Zamolodchikova:I've kissed a cockatoo horrible brunch joke horrible brunch joke I've kissed a cockatoo like if you're wearing feathers I'd say like a feather boa like oh are you a bird fan? kissed a cockatoo horrible horrible it's not so bad it's it's not as bad as it gets that's true cost a lot of money to look this cheap yeah the more you drink the prettier we get wait there's a music skips we're having testicular difficulties oh god flashback core memory core memory i the there was a funny clip on um on instagram that uh uh of dolly god she's so hysterical and she's doing like a question from an audience and they're like how do you do it like you do so much how do you do it she's like honey I do drugs

51:34Trixie Mattel:she's too good so fucking fierce we're at the point now where every six months now she's giving like a I'm not dead yet yeah like message yeah the week I was there the day after Dollywood opened so the day before she was there doing her parade she always comes to the parade and the day after she'd given like a she gave like a what do you call it like she goes on stage and talks and she's like my health I'm older an update yeah I take new medicines etc But you guys always think I'm dying. I'm okay. I'm here. I'm in a wig. I'm here. But people are always like, oh, God, there's a Dolly health update.

52:08Trixie Mattel:And the news article is always like, new update on Dolly's health. And it's like, she says she's doing good. This is so fucked.

52:15Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm like, can we just assume she's good? Yes. Until we're not sure. Healthy and too proven otherwise. Yes. That woman is, you know, I'm not to be corny, but literally there are some people, very few of them that I know of. And she is one of them. Angel.

52:28Trixie Mattel:Yeah.

52:28Katya Zamolodchikova:On earth. She really eats. Angel. She eats. She chomps. Double anal angel. She also serves. And she serves. She serves food for people. Oh, so I'm staying in Kentucky with my boyfriend, right, and his family. You have a boyfriend?

52:42Trixie Mattel:Yes. Staying with him and his family. I go to sleep.

52:45Katya Zamolodchikova:They all die.

52:46Trixie Mattel:No, no, no. Tornado Alley. I've never lived through a tornado. Hello. Hi.

52:51Katya Zamolodchikova:Hello. Yes, you have. You're a liar. You've never lied so much in your entire life. Oh, right.

52:55Trixie Mattel:That one time in Florida. I forgot about that, but I was young. Doesn't matter. You saw her. You were Bill Paxton. I mean, the tiles were getting ripped off the roof, but it's not like a tornado came over my building. But that was when I was younger. It was at a Waffle House.

53:09Katya Zamolodchikova:The tiles just got ripped out of the roof.

53:10Trixie Mattel:Yeah. So I get woken up. Boyfriend goes, you got to wake up. There's a tornado. And I just go back to sleep. I just go. And he goes, no, you have to wake up. There's a tornado. And I'm like, oh, my God. Because I'm thinking like, what for?

53:23Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm so tired.

53:23Trixie Mattel:I'd rather die. Grab the bedpost. The bed's going to take you up like Dorothy. Right. Right. I've seen the Wizard of Oz. This whole house is going to go. It's going to be fabulous.

53:30Katya Zamolodchikova:It's going to be fierce. I hope you like color. We might lose a cow or my dad, but I'll get revenge.

53:36Trixie Mattel:So I go down to the living room and me and we're sitting watching the news and there's the tornado and we're watching it go like over the town, basically. And his mom opens the front door and it looks like a tornado is coming out there. The wind is super blowing. They're just looking. And I guess that's when I realized these people are way more used to close calls with tornadoes than I am. I'm not taking it seriously and they're almost like watching a parade they're like yay but what's the plan what's the safety plan but this is my issue the issue is we get down there and then finally I'm waiting for something to happen and like 15 minutes go by and they go the good news is when it's close like this they come and go quickly you can go back to bed you're fine it de-escalated from a watch to a warning or whatever and then I go so the plan was to wake up and die in the living room

54:20Katya Zamolodchikova:you don't run out to the shed to the basement shed or whatever like Helen Hunt

54:24Trixie Mattel:the plan is to sit as a family and die watching the news? Praying together. Praying.

54:29Katya Zamolodchikova:I just was like... That's crazy.

54:31Trixie Mattel:But there was no basement, so I guess what do you do? You don't get in the car and drive. No, you get under the dining room table,

54:36Katya Zamolodchikova:you start jacking it.

54:37Trixie Mattel:Well, what did they do in Tornado? They put the belt around their hand and then hold onto the pipe, remember?

54:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes, but most importantly, her mom says, you know, she always loved weather. Who loves weather? It's like, that's the line? In the Twisters part too, twisted with Glenn Powell and what's her face? Morrie Tierney or whatever the fuck of her daughter. You know, she always loved weather. Sure.

55:07Trixie Mattel:She always loved weather.

55:08Katya Zamolodchikova:She always loved weather.

55:10Trixie Mattel:In fact, it's the only word she could learn to say. Weather. Weather. Before we go, I want to say we added a show in Boston at the Wang Theater.

55:19Katya Zamolodchikova:We totally did. It's not technically the way it used. It's the formerly Wang. Oh, okay. The theater formerly known as Wang. Okay. I think it's the, um, probably the, the Ernie Bach junior auto mile spectacular civic center or something.

55:30Trixie Mattel:I checked the numbers this morning. The first night is at 97%. So it's basically sold out. But the second night we added, we still do have some tickets left, but it's on track to sell out. So I just want to tell you guys. Yes.

55:40Katya Zamolodchikova:And if it please, we, we, we need to sell out because not only is our dignity at stake. If I have, if I have one more humiliation, it's curtains. Right. I also think you cried when we sold out Wang last time.

55:51Trixie Mattel:If we have two nights sold out, what will you do?

55:53Katya Zamolodchikova:I'll probably throw up. Finally.

55:56Trixie Mattel:Your family going to come?

55:58Katya Zamolodchikova:God, no. They hate me. No, no, no. Maybe. They don't live close to Boston anymore.

56:05Trixie Mattel:Oh. Okay.

56:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Plus, they got tornadoes to watch. Right. Okay. Bye. Goodbye.

56:36Trixie Mattel:This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day, on the couch, in the crowd, or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stock the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com. Your beer, fit for all times.

57:06Katya Zamolodchikova:The sun is out, the birds are chirping, and the open road is calling. Bring on the spring at the Honda Spring Event and take that road trip you've been dreaming of. Now is the time to check out the Honda Civic and HRV from Honda, the 2025 Kelley Blue Books KBB.com best value brand. For great deals, visit your local Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana Honda dealer today. Based on 2025 Consumer Choice Awards from Kelley Blue Book, visit KBB.com for more information. Hi, this is Alex Kantrowitz.

57:37Trixie Mattel:I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast, a longtime reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC.

57:42Katya Zamolodchikova:And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives. So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech and outsiders trying to influence it. Asking where this is all going.

57:58Trixie Mattel:They come from places like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, in meetings with your colleagues, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.