A Ventriloquist Love Affair with Trixie and Katya

11:40Trixie Mattel:Did you write a lipstick on the mirror, like drag race and leave? I said, fuck you. But thank you, Audrey. You ate.

11:45Katya Zamolodchikova:Happy birthday.

11:46Trixie Mattel:It's not my birthday. It's mine.

11:51Katya Zamolodchikova:Show the car. The wrapping is really like - I went to Beverly Hills for that, baby.

11:59Trixie Mattel:Rodeo Drive. I don't even... I feel like this is going to be something that already belongs to me. Did you take this out of my bag? You did, didn't you?

12:08Katya Zamolodchikova:No, I didn't. If you don't like it, it's my size, so I'll take it back. But I thought it's really cute.

12:13Trixie Mattel:I'm going to love it. But why were you thinking of me?

12:15Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, I got two.

12:16Trixie Mattel:Oh, I love this. Isn't that fun? Oh, yeah. Isn't that kind of fun? It's really cool. Did you get one too? I did. So you accidentally got this for me? No, I...

12:22Katya Zamolodchikova:So it's not really a gift. Oh, my God, if you're on purpose. I was at the story but get this so get this me and Jennifer beloved Jennifer well look that's not for your ooh who made the ooh aren't those fun yes the TikTok shop yeah you got me on it you got me on the TikTok shop I thought you enjoyed those really good yeah

12:41Trixie Mattel:I'm gonna wear these to DJ and then when I mess up I'm gonna blame the nails

12:43Katya Zamolodchikova:there you go I think there's a blood soak tampon in there but that's mine

12:47Trixie Mattel:oh

12:48Katya Zamolodchikova:I think that's it I hope the receipt's not in there

12:50Trixie Mattel:show these Africans in here

12:50Katya Zamolodchikova:I stole it all yeah so thank you You're welcome. You're welcome. Don't you hate that? Don't you fucking hate that? You're saying you're welcome? No, no, no. When you like, say you, somebody, some fucking, some dumb fuck. Like, you know when you're like 30 yards away from the target door and somebody like keeps the door open? When they could just go in and you could just, you're not, you got your arms, you're not carrying large packages. You're fully able-bodied and you can open the door, no problem. But they insist on like holding it open and it's a little long. and then you say, you know, you appropriately say, oh, thank you.

13:25Katya Zamolodchikova:And they're like, you're welcome.

13:27Trixie Mattel:What's the problem here? Bitch, you didn't do nothing good for me. The worst is when they're holding the door and you're too far away. That's what I'm - You have to do the pantomime scoot, like I'm going fast.

13:36Katya Zamolodchikova:Scoot, yeah, exactly. And then of course, what you have to do, what you are required to say, even though it's not a gift.

13:43Trixie Mattel:Suck their conk. Did you suck his conk?

13:46Katya Zamolodchikova:You gotta fuck them. No, but you know what I mean though? Like, it's like you didn't, that's not, My point is that's not your good deed for the day, you fucking bitch. Well, you should be like, oh, thank God you held the door. I had no plan B. Exactly. It's like, oh my God, I can't, you can't see, I'm blind.

14:00Trixie Mattel:My backup was to drive my car through the front of Target.

14:02Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. You know what I mean? My hands were about to get chopped off. Thank God I avoided that. There was a ninja. I mean, I didn't see, whatever. So what's the healing process now? A lot of smoking. Just kidding.

14:13Trixie Mattel:When do they think you'll be totally fine?

14:15Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, that's a great question because that actually is the prognosis. Thank God. And not thank the doctors. Are you kidding? thank God

14:20Trixie Mattel:God favors babies and drunks and I think if he has a little bit of both goo goo gaga me one drinky no yeah no

14:29Katya Zamolodchikova:so it's a

14:29Trixie Mattel:can I just say that if that happened to me I would have been dead that doesn't make sense I'm just saying you have an aura the universe looks out for you in a way that I think when something happens to you I don't ever get seriously worried because I don't I absolutely think you're going to outlive me

14:45Katya Zamolodchikova:well you know this is that's really morbid I also thank you oh you're welcome

14:55Trixie Mattel:let's take a break ow ow next time you go to the hospital I'll be behind it bitch so weird I'm like Katya I hit her with my car I'm like she has a Volvo stamp on the front of her fucking face and on the back

15:10Katya Zamolodchikova:and on all over her body with the tire marks as I drove in

15:14Trixie Mattel:you know what I have soup cans behind my car instead of just married it says just killed my best friend and I'm driving through Hollywood.

15:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Does that make sense? Does that make sense?

15:28Trixie Mattel:Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer?

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15:51Trixie Mattel:Uprunt payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. See terms. Well, you were almost dying. I was in Brooklyn struggling. Can I tell you something that happened to me? Girl. We've been talking about you for fucking two days. I know. Boo-hoo. I know. Ugh. Bring a book.

16:10Katya Zamolodchikova:Boo-hoo. Bring a book. Boo-hoo. Bring a book. You played Coachella or Bonnibur or Lil Affair?

16:17Trixie Mattel:Yes. I played Lightning in a Bottle last weekend, which was so cool. My new show, Super Disco. Something unprecedented happened that I wanted to share with you.

16:23Katya Zamolodchikova:You shat in your diaper and it didn't leak out.

16:25Trixie Mattel:I rehearsed to the point of absolute certainty that I was going to eat. Yeah. You know what my choreographer, Alex, said, when people say I'm getting kind of scared, I'm going to mess up. What if I mess up? He said, but what if you eat? Before you go on stage, anybody, the other half of what if I mess up is, but what if I eat?

16:44Katya Zamolodchikova:Not me at the hospital.

16:45Trixie Mattel:Well But what if I eat in 10 days? Does that make sense?

16:49Katya Zamolodchikova:When I'm staring at that chocolate chip muffin So wait, wait, so you ate And how did it feel? I ate Give me like the Like I want to know like in the moment Because I When you're eating in the moment And I know you know Like when you're locked Tuned in, tapped in, turned on Abraham Hicks Yeah You are

17:01Trixie Mattel:When I'm sounding

17:02Katya Zamolodchikova:Basically when I'm sounding No, shut up We're like It's in a flow state Walk me through the whole thing Start to finish Start to finish

17:09Trixie Mattel:I started this show last summer I started with like my little Pinterest boards My mood boards My vibes And then you know over, I would say holiday, I started building the playlist, practicing what I'm going to do. And I knew it had to be exactly an hour for this show and work with the choreographer, the customer, Amy. And then by then, by the time I started hiring people, I had like a PDF that I could present to people as I hired them being like, here's the story of the show. Here's the tracks in the show that are going to get numbers. Here's the run of the show. Here's the mood board. Here's like, I've just never, never been so prepared.

17:40Katya Zamolodchikova:You were in, you were on the stage with Marty and Gay. You know Gay. Gay, of course. And Marsha Gay. Yeah, but you had the thing full. I mean, you were so at the end. You're like, you're on tonight. You had the ice with the nipples. Wired. Yeah. My nipples were wired. You were erect. Why weren't they?

17:55Trixie Mattel:Well, I didn't bring my DJ platters. I just, I, I, DJ scribbled my own nipples. I got tattoos of records on my nipples. And I just. You had jumper cables. Jumper cables. With a little dodge. A hundred percent. And then, you know, it was crazy. I turned around and the audience was like, what is that? I had those cups on my back. Cupping? Yeah, cupping. Suction to hell. Welts. And I said, you want to be on top? Nah, nah, nah, nah.

18:23Katya Zamolodchikova:You had the acupuncture that has the pins with the little chicken nuggets that are on fire. She was at you. She was too an adapted internal.

18:32Trixie Mattel:It's all corrupt, girl. It's all corrupt, girl. It's all bullshit, girl. It's all bullshit, girl.

18:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Get the moon tracker.

18:39Trixie Mattel:Check the weather app.

18:40Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, tell me. No, it's for real, for real, for real.

18:42Trixie Mattel:No, the show went perfect. All the rehearsals paid off. I rehearsed not only in the costumes, I rehearsed in body, in costumes, with a wig on, with makeup on. Trans. With lashes on. Trans. So, and we, also, I worked with this production company called Beehive that I didn't even know, I don't want to sound naive. I didn't know this even existed. That, first of all, I can, normally I DJ my shows with my computer because I run the visuals for the show from my computer at the same time. Yeah, yeah. This production company took care of the visuals package so all i had to do is dj so i almost was like what was that okay james like i almost the whole show i had a feeling of i left the oven on i left my kids at the supermarket yeah because i never had a show go so well that i almost was getting the creeps right i was right and maybe it's because i do a lot of therapy now but i wasn't manifesting the panic that i always have.

19:34Trixie Mattel:Instead, I was just doing my show borderline calmly, assuredly, confidently.

19:41Katya Zamolodchikova:You had exhaustively rehearsed.

19:43Trixie Mattel:Yes. And my goal, I don't know if this happens to you. Never. The first and I felt upstaged because of your whole scenario. Like I'm trying to do my thing and you're like, yeah, so what? I'm going to die from Strangers with a Candy. They gave you another gash. You have another hole and no one can fuck it? Bring a book. Has an axe. Your axe wound, whore. But I just, I wouldn't say it was like the most, I wasn't perfect. I did get sick in the middle because I've been having those bad arthritis spells. I got sick in the middle, almost threw up during the show. Okay. But I went into it knowing I might get sick.

20:21Trixie Mattel:You can shit yourself, but it wouldn't matter. But I'm rehearsing off my muscle memory. I literally can be focusing on not puking and I'll be able to do the show. It went perfect. The audience loved it. I was afraid the turnout. out. I was like, it's a, it's not a gay thing. It's a straight music. It's a festival. And I'm a gay act. What if no one comes? There was so many people there, like tens of thousands. You couldn't even see the end of it. It was so crazy. And it just went so well that afterwards I just was in shock, in absolute shock. I was like, Oh my God, nothing bad happened. Not that I expect something bad happened, but when you imagine your show to be a certain way, and this was the first time it turned out exactly like I thought it would be.

20:59Trixie Mattel:It felt, I don't know if this happens to you but when i do the first show i black out and i can't even remember right this was the first time i've done a first show where i felt present and in control and also i actually was looking around yeah noticing gratitude smiling almost like a feeling of it's happening i can't believe it normally leading up to stage i'm freaking out this show i was just it was like my best friend was about to have her baby i was like i was like excited i was like we're about to eat we're about to eat and we did eat and afterward walked off stage and I felt bad because I thought I was going to throw up but the choreographer Alec did throw up and he has a six pack so if he throws up maybe I'm not so bad off it was just so hot it was like 90 degrees my dancers are in these big pink monkey suits like it was crazy but then Alec cried we're all just like in shock it just went well I just wanted to share that it went well it's not as good as a hospital story

21:54Katya Zamolodchikova:no I'm just saying it's the ultimate and not okay also just side note I've stopped qualifying. I'm not doing, not to be corny butt. I don't mean to be earnest butt. No, my therapist says to not do that. No, my sponsor said to me, he was like, we're not qualifying anything anymore. And this is something I wanted to talk about.

22:11Trixie Mattel:You asked your sponsor, should I be qualifying? And they said, who is this? I haven't heard from you in years. Mom? But you died three years ago. My sponsor is Ritual Sybiotic. So I have my own sponsor. My sponsor is Paul and Branch. My sponsor is My sponsor Is Trimex Of course My sponsor is retinal detachment

22:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Is his retinal Emerging Okay Okay No no no It's a capital T Triumph And I just want to offer sincere congratulations Thank you Because I don't really ever get to do that. And I don't think, I mean, obviously we're -

23:01Trixie Mattel:Well, I'm going to get to, if anybody wants to see, it's at Lollapalooza and Bonnaroo and Oceania. I'm not doing that many this year. You can't do so much so you can puke. Well, I'm working less now.

23:10Katya Zamolodchikova:It's incredible. Because I've been too sick. Well, that's a miracle. Okay. Well, I was going to say that's a miracle, but I guess that's not.

23:15Trixie Mattel:It's a medical or - I know. Plain Jane was out there and she was like, Trix, you look so skinny. And I said, thank you. I've been very ill for months.

23:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. It's, I have sepsis.

23:22Trixie Mattel:yeah been passing on thank you um i also have a story that i wanted to tell you and this was a story i was excited to tell you that when from when you went to the hospital so fuck my story right um by the way i just feel like your hospital bullshit is just one-upped everything now every story is gonna seem stupid so whatever whatever girl check the moon tracker check the moon tracker look up in the sky honey because your shit is gibbious so girl my interest is waning girl crescent rolls so so

23:56Katya Zamolodchikova:oh my old glass so oh so there's this artist I'm sorry about I'm sorry screaming a lot of screaming on this pod sorry we gotta keep the audio mix the audio mix is working overtime

24:08Trixie Mattel:there's this artist let me look this up quick sorry okay

24:11Katya Zamolodchikova:while you do that I wanna talk to you guys about Squarespace wait what time is it it's 7 o 'clock on the dock I need a crack rock on the spot.

24:22Trixie Mattel:Okay. Okay. So. James. So this story is me supporting the arts. Okay. So I think it's the new something theater over in Hollywood. The new something theater right by my studio. Maybe. Is it a movie theater? No, no, no, no. It's like a new, like a new artist theater. Nude. New theater, act theater. One of those like, not generic, but it's just like a, yes. Yeah. It was a small theater. Experimental theater. So months ago. Improv. There's this ventriloquist I love. Okay. But pause. period and then a moment

24:51Katya Zamolodchikova:does that make sense? let's just take that in girl fuck exploratory laparotomy there's this new ventriloquist I'm going to say this that's why I knew that I couldn't tell she's trying to get this out with no irony and also saying my hospital story is pulling focus this bitch just said so there's this new ventriloquist that I love with a straight fucking face. You are insane. You should be in Cedars-Sinai right now. This is a wild. Tell me more. Tell me more. Tell me more. Sandy from Greece. Let's go. I have to go to Solace to tell a good story.

25:29Trixie Mattel:I'm sorry I poop. So, there's this new ventriloquist that I love. Does that make sense? She's not new, but she's never come to town that I've been into her.

25:40Katya Zamolodchikova:So, I've been following this ventriloquist for years. This is even crazier. I don't know. So her name She is an actress She's a playwright She's the mother I never had She's an artist She's not just a ventriloquist She does all kinds of things She's an artist She writes one woman shows This is a lot to take in You gotta like You gotta base yourself This is a lot of information My blood pressure

26:12Trixie Mattel:So her name is Sophie Becker She's beautiful, she's so talented I love And I found her because on TikTok There's this TikTok account called Ronnie the Dummy Ronnie is a influencer Who I love

26:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Incredible Who's the young gentleman in the bottom left? Her husband? Oh, he's in the show I'm out here in the garden Can you see me?

26:37Trixie Mattel:She pretends to be an influencer

26:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh my god Oh my god thank you so much that's so helpful sorry you don't have any thank you so much

26:48Trixie Mattel:and she refers to the ventriloquist as her assistant so like the doll Ronnie is like an influencer she's blonde her videos are like get ready with me for my date with my situation ship like I love this shit oh my god fabulous and so I wanted to see her for since I found her yeah and I've never seen a ventriloquist act ever I never have

27:06Katya Zamolodchikova:me neither

27:07Trixie Mattel:so I just like I'm 87 years old you are it's a full moon my friends are dropping dead Yeah, the full moon. Because they won't pull the hardware out of their asses or whatever the fuck you're doing.

27:16Katya Zamolodchikova:Judo.

27:17Trixie Mattel:Thank you.

27:20Trixie Mattel:Secret judo classes. My friends look like they're laying in beds with tubes up their nose. And I said, well, I'm going to see the puppets, right? Yeah. Thank you. It's time to put on makeup.

27:28Katya Zamolodchikova:There's no steam to suck up. Let's go. Yeah.

27:30Trixie Mattel:Lee Cronin presents Jim Henson's The Muppets. So I buy tickets to see Ronnie. Ooh, this water's salty. Ronnie, a show called Ronnie's Big Idea. Okay. And I go, great. and that's months ago. I buy the front two tickets in the front because I buy them so early the theater's empty. Am I a Nicky fan? The front two seats in the front, I buy them and I go, when we go to the Sumi, great. Sumi, my boyfriend, I go, you know, I have to get up early tomorrow. I forget what night this is. It's months later. Okay. Oh, right. It's months later. You're like, whatever. It's about 6.30. I go, you know, I think I'm going to take an edible because I got to go to bed super early tonight because I got to work tomorrow and I've been feeling so sick.

28:09Trixie Mattel:so about 40 minutes goes by after i take this the the most 150 million hateful hateful hateful big old hateful club and my my google calendar goes brony's big idea starts in 30 minutes at the theater and i go oh god blanket i go blanket get up i said mr wonderful he said what do we got to do we got a motor we're gonna make it get up and put your clothes on we gotta go see ronnie the dummy. He goes, okay. So he's mad because he's already had his pajama set on. So he's like, you know, he's like, what do you call it? Like Christmas Carol, like Ebenezer. He's also, he's already tacked up

28:45Katya Zamolodchikova:the seven scarves in the room. Yeah, he's like a Komodo on.

28:50Trixie Mattel:He's tacking up the fabric. You know, he flat ironed his bang and put over a little thing. We have enough time to get to the show, but we can't drive because I was just self-roofied. so I'm waiting for the show to start and we sit down first and I want to buy I said I'm going to get a piece of merchandise and I go up and they have these Ronnie the Dummy matches I go how much are the matches and he goes they're a dollar I said good deal for matches hello how cute I said I'll take one it's a gift shop at a small theater I'm not going to make them whip out my card I was like oh good I have cash I grab the cash I go do you have change for a hundred

29:29Trixie Mattel:and that's what I realized I've gotten already like so high. And I'm like, and he looks at me and goes, no. And I go, okay. So I go, well, I was going to buy something. And I go, well, can I get one of those shirts? He goes, yeah. Cause then I only need like 50 bucks back. I go, tell you what, after the show, I'll come get that shirt. He goes, okay. So they set it aside for me. You're not getting that shirt. So I go sit down. The show starts. She comes out. Sophie's great. I don't want to give away her whole act, but it starts with this funny joke about like, I just got to LA and I just got however many CCs of, Botox and she's doing an act where she's talking to the audience and nothing is moving.

30:04Trixie Mattel:That's incredible. Immediately. Yes. Yeah. And then the plot of the show lightly is about her discovering like ventriloquism and finding out like her and this puppet are a perfect double act together. And basically Ronnie wants to be famous and successful and literally goes on the tonight show. Like the tonight show.

30:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh my God.

30:21Trixie Mattel:While she, while the, while the ventriloquist, the ventriloquist falls asleep on the couch, the doll like goes on the TV show. The doll's like ambitious. It was so funny. I've never seen ventriloquism before. dancing, singing, dancing around with the puppet, them both singing in different voices. And then later other things, like there's a part where she pretends to be on the phone and does like a, she does the little phone voice. I just had never seen ventriloquism. It was amazing. Not to mention. Lee Cronin's the dummy. Her mouth could have been completely moving and I was so gone. I was like, baby, that's, that puppet's talking.

30:55Trixie Mattel:I was like, oh, y 'all need to see this. Everybody's seen the leprechaun. and say yeah.

30:59Katya Zamolodchikova:You're like elbowing your neighbor like are you watching this?

31:03Trixie Mattel:It was completely sold out. People not only has every seat taken people sitting on the floor on the stage. Like it was a sold out event. And I'm paralyzed. You're like level five hurricane. I'm paralyzed. Yeah. Literally. But I'm laughing. You're like the dad from Strangers with Candy. And I actually realize sorry if you're going to be too high ventriloquism. Thank you. It was amazing. It was like it made me completely accepting and present. I was like, that's a real person. And that ventriloquist is actually fake. This doll is alive. Like I was the supportive. And I was a hundred percent. So then I see the show.

31:44Trixie Mattel:It was just great. And then there's another puppet. It was just awesome. Anyway, it was just the story of getting entirely too high. And then realizing like, no bitch, this is what you get too high for. Yes. Ventriloquism. Say yes to life. Say yes to life. Take that edible. Get that fat edible up your ass and go watch Ronnie the Dummy. Girl, boof it and bump it. I just love it. I hope I can see more ventriloquism in my life. It was just great. She's still doing shows. It keeps getting extended. It was very solid. So I could go see it on tonight? Yeah, it was great. I loved it. I want to go see it.

32:13Katya Zamolodchikova:I want to go see it. I loved it. I'm so happy for you.

32:16Trixie Mattel:The idea of like a ventriloquist, an actress playing it like reluctantly partnering with a ventriloquist doll for success was like, love it. Love it. That's amazing. And not that it matters. The actress, the ventriloquist, is gorgeous to look at, can sing, wrote the whole show herself, like loved it. It was very drag. Loved it. Wait, excuse your mouth. Drag is ventriloquism. But dragging it right in your own show.

32:41Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, actually it is. Anyway, it was just kind of a fun story. Well, kudos. I'm going to go check it out because I didn't get to, the big regrets of my life is that I got four tickets to see Kristen Schaal's show at Dynasty Typewriter.

32:59Trixie Mattel:It's like math. McDonald's is now introducing all new Caesar sauce, plus an even crispier McCrispie strip. This all equals a creamier, creamy snack wrap. Try the new Caesar sauce at McDonald's. Wait, I have another story regarding this. Tell me, tell me, tell me. Sunday, which was your birthday, I was going to go to see, you were doing Andrew's show, you were doing Apocalypse, Lipstick, the church-themed show. I bought tickets because Andrew said, hey, we're going to have a surprise cake for Katya. If you're coming, how about we have you pull out the cake? And I said, sure. But I love to support the art, so I buy tickets anyway because I'm bringing a group of six.

33:42Trixie Mattel:Andrew, Apocalypse Stick, go see Apocalypse Stick at Plaza. And go buy your damn tickets. And don't you dare ask for a comp. And don't ask for comps. I bought them, six of them.

33:49Katya Zamolodchikova:And sweetie, baby, let me tell you something about La Brea Avenue at that little stretch of Hollywood. Plenty of parking. So don't do it, Jackie. don't do it Jackie and if you don't have cash

33:57Trixie Mattel:jaywalk to the US bank get hit by a car get hit by a car

33:59Katya Zamolodchikova:because mom it's worth it you will get hit and you know what say yes to life jaywalk and get hit by a car get insurance money and so you can pay for that cover price

34:08Trixie Mattel:this was the first one that was it was like a gospel church brunch theme because normally it was a rose valentine's day and so it's at night it's always at night day one this was a day one my favorite one Andrew was incredible sermon that was hilarious and then so we're waiting for the show to start and there's a baby stroller to my left now i've been at this show wait wait wait wait there's a baby stroller is there a baby inside it you're we're gonna get there so i'm laughing because i'm like i'm like i've been to so many of these the prop these are prop queens yes i've seen drag queens push shopping carts yes i've seen drag queens you know the prop game is real yes so i'm thinking i bet this is some fucking idiot's baby number oh right google gaga and then i'm like so i took a video of it i'm like oh my god at the drag show lol and it's the baby carriage because i'm thinking there's gonna be some drag queen pushing this fucking yeah yeah yeah and then i see some guy come in and sit next to the baby carriage with a reborn doll and is like cheating out and like burping it and i'm like this is why i come to apocalyptic because these fucking idiots commit to the bit on a level that is so stupid like a rubber doll oh the baby it looks so real and he's like and i'm like i fucking love this

35:21Katya Zamolodchikova:He's got a JBL in the thing screaming. Yeah.

35:24Trixie Mattel:And normally this is a sold out show. Yeah. This was a lighter one. Andrew comes out and goes, peace be with you. Kind of a light congregation this morning. There's like 20 seats sold. But of course, like that show, it's all about enthusiasm. Oh, yeah. There was like 20 of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and I'm ready for this stupid baby stunt to happen. I was like, I hate all these fucking faggots. A daytime drag show with a reborn doll. It's fierce. and then Andrew goes well one of my friends is here and actually wants to come up here as he's a dad he wants to come up here and talk about being a father and I'm like I'm like they're delivering this on a level that is so sincere that I'm like I fucking hate these faggots gay people shouldn't be allowed to have anything like making fun of church making fun of dads I hate this so and I'm looking at the reborn I'm like laughing and the dad goes up and is holding the baby and starts telling a story about being accosted on the street for being a gay dad and starts crying.

36:29Trixie Mattel:With the fake baby? And I'm like, With the fake baby? Yes. And I'm like this. I'm like, all of you gays are so awful. And that's when I realized it's a real baby. And he was, He was telling the truth. Get out! Get out! You get out of here. But I've been to this show where the prop game is so strong that I thought this was a bit. And the baby starts moving. And the baby's so cute. And it is an earnest story about the power of fatherhood and being a dad changed my life. And the audience is, some of the people are crying. We're clapping. I realize everyone here thinks this is real. It's Valerie Cherish.

37:13Trixie Mattel:But I'm waiting for the bit. Because I thought it was a reborn doll. and I guess it was the two dads who are in this viral clip where this conservative like person on the street was saying fucked shit to them I watched the clip later and people are like oh my god those are the weeho dads from the clip and I was like yeah so then I delete my Instagram post making fun of the baby carriage hello apologize mom I've been to this show enough times to be like everything in here could be a bit someone in the audience could get up and get naked and be in the show

37:43Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, they've literally had like, yeah, they've had like people like screaming in off the street, coming in stage. And pretending to be like from the crazy person.

37:52Trixie Mattel:I've never seen a baby carriage at a drag show. So I really thought it was a bit. Well, so it's a bar. It's a bar.

38:00Katya Zamolodchikova:The locals. Well, it was a Sunday afternoon, to be fair. It was after brunch. Bottomless memosies with my infant.

38:07Trixie Mattel:And there's plenty of extra help. We know the bartenders are busy making drinks. Thank you. They're breastfeeding. Hanging out.

38:12Katya Zamolodchikova:They're breastfeeding. they're breastfeeding.

38:14Trixie Mattel:I mean, they're not getting your drinks, but that was actually, but I was sad you weren't there. Cause it was a, it was my favorite one. Oh, of course. It was the funniest. Of course.

38:22Katya Zamolodchikova:I miss out on, I miss out on the dummy. I miss out on Apocalypse. It's best show. I miss out on Crystal Shaw's fucking legend of the crystal shell. I miss out on everything. I miss out on you struggling in Brooklyn and make ends meet. I miss out on the sale of my own house. I miss out on my dad dying. No,

38:36Trixie Mattel:I'm just kidding. The other best part of it was Andrew, you know, was in his drag and he's like, he starts talking about faith healing. and he goes you know we have a friend who is not doing so well right now and marge halgenberg mark helgenberger no i'm like oh yeah and we're all like oh because you know everybody there pretty much knows you we're like oh yeah andrew goes one of my really good friends is not doing so well he has arthritis

39:04Trixie Mattel:but i thought we were going to be talking about the person near death the other brian andrew goes So, Brian, could you come up here? Oh, my God. So I come up on stage, and they wrap a sequin shawl fabric around me and start, like, shaking maracas over me. And they do, like, a prayer healing. And the whole time I'm thinking, everybody in this room knows Kachi almost died. And I look like I'm pulling focus. They're putting chip clips on your ears. They're doing, like, frosted roots. Right. He's died. Did that make sense? Like, you're near death. And they're like, Trixie, get up here with your arthritis.

39:34Trixie Mattel:We need to frost your tips. It was so fucking funny. Oh, that's brilliant. So you were not, not only not missed, not thought of. Not thought of.

39:44Katya Zamolodchikova:No thoughts and prayers. No thoughts, but it's completely discarded, disregarded and thrown into the bin.

39:49Trixie Mattel:But were you going to do, because I thought maybe you were going to do your, to be about an amazing race.

39:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Mary, I had the, I had, it was like, I've like. Were you going to do like a Jesus number? Are you kidding me? I was like, I had the, I was tuned in, tapped and turned on. I was ready. I was like, I was like, oh, I don't want to do that all tired. I was like, tired number, mama. that's that's when you ask that's like that's like saying prince don't play purple rain yeah that's you know what i mean it's like kind of vision it's like detox don't you dare do that

40:13Trixie Mattel:mannequin number of course you want to see the mannequin number you could always take that

40:17Katya Zamolodchikova:monologue and put on a different song which i mary don't you think i had a cure don't you think i was up in garage band with my pounding and pecking for hours i actually was googling how to use garage man googling how to how to do like how to use a magic mouse yeah well first you turn it on then you put the batteries so i like i had the whole thing i had a like i had um i think i probably had like a seven to eight minute mix that I knew every, I mean, not, I had added all the, I'd done a little lip sync up. Like, um, I was like, um, I put in a little cereal mom, the little classics. I did a little, um, the classics.

40:46Mary, he drowned.

40:48Katya Zamolodchikova:Does that make sense? Was in there. Thank God.

40:51Trixie Mattel:I, it was still a great show. I've just missed you. It was great though.

40:54Katya Zamolodchikova:There was even, there was even some, there was even a whisper of fucking, of, of, um, of, um, fucking, um, God, it was, there was all this shot anyways, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. No, it was a bummer. It was a bummer. I'm glad I'm bummed. I missed it. But you lived. And no one there was praying for you.

41:09Trixie Mattel:Does that make sense? No. No one was worried about you. The length to which you will go to not have to do Andrew's show should be studied.

41:15Katya Zamolodchikova:That part. Say it again, girl. Say it again. Oh my God. Oh my God. Taking a box cutter to your stomach. Sorry, girl. The way that I'll say, of course I'll do it. Oh. Just this week. Literally like Harold and Maude, like with a noose around my head, like a fake noose around my neck covered in blood in the bathtub. Of course I'll do it.

41:30Trixie Mattel:But you know what Andrew told me? Andrew told me that he'll ask you when you're in a good mood and then make the flyer before you can say no. So then the flyer's out.

41:36Katya Zamolodchikova:I got to talk about something. No, never mind. Hold on. Let me check my scroll.

41:43Trixie Mattel:I got something to tell you. Tell me. What do you think about these people? I went on the TikTok rabbit hole of people who stay the night in the Walmart. Like they make TikToks of like, we made a little fort on this shelf and we brought a TV and a little like, we brought like a little grill and we're going to make hot dogs and stay overnight. in the Walmart?

42:02Katya Zamolodchikova:I think that's a little bit like, let's shit in the toilet in Ikea.

42:05Trixie Mattel:I kind of feel like, I don't want to be grumpy, but I'm like, girl, go home.

42:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Let these part-time workers... If you have a home to go to, get the fuck out of there. Listen, I... You don't have to live in the store, right? You don't have to live... No, no. This is just assuming, of course, that they have a home to go home to.

42:20Trixie Mattel:No, it's more like stunts, like groups of 20-year-old men being like, we're going to stay in the mall as long as we can before we get killed.

42:27Katya Zamolodchikova:The only stunt that I approve of is one that you told me about, these YouTubers storming into the Scientology place, which brings me to - Mary, speed runs. Speed runs. But do you remember, just mere feet away from the Celebrity Center on Franklin, do you remember when we had lunch and then we got ice cream? Tell the listeners what happened. Oh my God. This was so crazy. So wait, wait, let me give a little background. So I'm out of the hospital and I'm at home with my parents. We're vibing. now I've got I've got this I've got this my parents are with me my mother and I are this is a whole I got a family three days clean cut open like a roast turkey I'm sure everyone was vibing how dare you no this is two weeks clean this is two weeks clean which excuse your mouth I know we're splitting hairs but two three days and two weeks is a very big difference

43:16Trixie Mattel:okay okay

43:17Katya Zamolodchikova:but so there's no exercise I am weep puss is weeping through this gauze pad nasty so nasty

43:23Trixie Mattel:next time I see somebody who's sober for three days I'm gonna tell them that it's not impressive and it doesn't matter how about that

43:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, you would be, no, you would be. Someone's like, I have three days. I'm going to go, well, it's not 10 days. Shut up. No, no, no, no, no. It's the opposite. You'd be like, well, I have one day, so fuck off. The newcomer is the most important person in the room. So if you come in with one day, 24 hours, you can basically hip check anybody into the Van Luwens. Because you're Beyonce.

43:47Trixie Mattel:Yeah. Okay. So we go to get, because, well, first of all.

43:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. So me and Mr. Wonderful. Yes. Me and Mr. Wonderful. Me and Blanket. I take the blanket off of Mr.

43:56Trixie Mattel:Wonderful. Because Blanket tells me, oh, I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow. I said, well, Katia told me that the doctor said she's encouraged to walk for her digestion. Ambulation is encouraged. Yes. Trambulation.

44:07Katya Zamolodchikova:I think he calls you and says, do you want to go for a walk tomorrow?

44:10Trixie Mattel:And you said, how about now?

44:11Katya Zamolodchikova:I said, how about now, baby? There's no time like the present. These blisters aren't going to form themselves. Do not let me forget. I'll just do it right now. about the fluid-filled blisters this big on my heels as we speak with a half-inch of pus or a fluid in them right now. That's good. So we go on, we're ripping and roaring. We go on, oh my God. Blanket and I are having the time of our lives. I'm dangling to have a bankety.

44:36Trixie Mattel:Because Blanket walks 10 miles with no headphones.

44:38Katya Zamolodchikova:That, so that's - Like a serial killer. I'm going to say this, shut up. That's either, that is two kinds of people. A complete psychopath, serial killer, or put a ring on it now. Yeah, Mr. Wonderful. Mr. Fucking Wonderful. Just, that's a keeper. Okay, so he is, of course, in the latter category. You guys are making TikToks. Oh my God. Like, I'm busting my sutures internal. June is busting out all over. June is. I mean, we are having, we're talking about aliens. He's letting me know about everything. He's plugged in. We're both tuned in, tapped in, turned on, and we're really having a great time.

45:09Katya Zamolodchikova:The most wonderful guy in the world. I love this man. Don't deserve it. And you're having lust for life. Oh, we're smiling. Between the two of us, all our teeth. Every time I smile, I smile. Every time I'm happy, I break out and smile. Yeah. I'm allergic to happiness. I break out and enjoy. Yep. So then I get a text saying, hey, do you want to go to dinner with us? And I'm expecting, I'm expecting, oh, I mean, I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana, you know, rebuilding a church or whatever.

45:35Trixie Mattel:I can't. I'm doing Winston-Salem Pride. Me and Kenya Michaels are doing a bingo tip spot.

45:41Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm on the ground floor of rebuilding a gay bar in Romania. Right. You know what I mean?

45:44Trixie Mattel:So, yeah, me and Vanderpump are building a castle. we're depoisoning her moat does that make sense

45:51Katya Zamolodchikova:we're choking all of her swans

45:52Trixie Mattel:we're riding her swans around the yard so she miraculously is at home and says yes but also I love tacos and this place is La Valle de Cantina which is in Franklin Village the horniest food and the horniest little

46:07Katya Zamolodchikova:the horniest half a block of LA great the birds La Pubelle where all the celebs go to wear go-go boots thank you to see the newsstand where I get all my$400 candles. Dire Straits. Dire Straits. Swiping a card. Pretty Woman declined.

46:24Trixie Mattel:And also the Oaks Gourmet on the corner. Have you been there? Not yet, but I will. Cunty sandwiches. Watch out. And it's by the Gelson's. Which is like, do you - I think it's going down at Gelson's.

46:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Mama, the Gelson's is fierce because the Gelson's is like, I just need to pick up a few things and it's$800 later. You're running out of Gelson's like Dee and Sonny. You hit your head because your car's declined and you're like, did it not go through? No, you know what it is? It's what could a banana be? $10. It's actually 20. Yeah. Yeah. So, so wait, so we have a lovely taco.

46:52Trixie Mattel:Gypsy Rose Blanchard was at Air One today.

46:57Katya Zamolodchikova:That's why my friend Joseph is so, every time I'm like, I'm like, do you want to get ice cream? He's like, no, I'm, I'm, I want to go to Air One. Because Gypsy. Because he says the people watching is unparalleled.

47:06Trixie Mattel:And you are just confirming that. Yeah. Gypsy's in LA right now. And she, whenever she comes to LA, she does like, she lives like Kardashian lifestyle. She gets a$19 Haley Bieber smoothie. She has like a cunty bob or a wig on. With a mama, that's Ms. Boyle. No, she has like a wig on and like, like, like grayish athletic wear, like Kardashian cream athletic wear. And she's just like getting my smoothie. Everyone's smoothie. She's living, girl.

47:28Katya Zamolodchikova:She's like, I'm writing a traveler's check for this smoothie.

47:31Trixie Mattel:A hundred percent. Yeah. So we go. We have lovely tacos.

47:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Lovely tacos. Sure. We're talking about Scientology. We're really chopping it up, tearing it up.

47:39Trixie Mattel:When I go eat there, I pivot my chair to the Scientology building. I try to look in the windows.

47:42Katya Zamolodchikova:You're like, measure my thetans now.

47:44Trixie Mattel:There's a few celebrities that we see over there all the time. We won't say their names because they could have us killed. You want to see celebrities? Go to that celebrity center and just wait. You'll just see them.

47:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Just like, and you got to do this. You got to do weapon style hands and then mouth wide open with the eyes. I'm blinking.

47:55Trixie Mattel:Yep. So then we start walking home and to walk from that to my house, we have to walk by an ice cream place called Van Lewin's. And it's me and you and Mr. Wonderful. It's two doors down. Two doors down. I'm calmly walking. I thought, you know, that was fun. I guess it's just like time to go because we've had dinner. And we've settled the check.

48:13Katya Zamolodchikova:Mr. Wonderful paid. Yeah.

48:14Trixie Mattel:Historically we have dinner once every three years.

48:16Katya Zamolodchikova:So I'm like, this has already been a while. So I, I, my cue is to skip out on the bill. I go to the candle store. I buy about$145 worth of candles. I come back, come back.

48:25Trixie Mattel:We walked by Van Lewins, you guys, and I'm calmly walking. She breaks conversation, breaks focus, beelines directly 45 degrees to the left body checks me and says nothing and walks into Van Lewin's to get herself ice cream.

48:42Katya Zamolodchikova:So X program, bravo, bravo, bravo.

48:44Trixie Mattel:I had lit up a cigarette. Oh yeah. X program, bravo, bravo, bravo. She has a 20 % burn cigarette. And notice she body checks me. She throws that fully lit cigarette on the ground and walks into the ice cream place. And I'm standing there like, I'm like, oh, like you guys know that meme of Jason pushing that girl on the subway. Like it's that I'm like, oh, I go, oh, did you want to get ice cream? Excuse me.

49:08Katya Zamolodchikova:So they're getting up calmly. like they're like you know pushing their chairs back in i'm running out of the candle store with a with a 40 pound candle like i just stole it and i might have i i with with candle like swinging the back swinging almost hitting a car this giant and i light up a cigarette i i take like maybe a half a drag maybe have a drag and then i throw it on the ground and shove and i do a 90 degree hairpin turn. I shove her to a concrete wall and then shove means you used her arms. It was a complete body check. It was a hockey. It was a heated rivalry. Hip, no pads, hip check.

49:46Katya Zamolodchikova:She's smashing the concrete wall. I open the door and don't hold it open. She doesn't say anything

49:51Trixie Mattel:to us. She just goes in on her own.

49:52Katya Zamolodchikova:I slam it shut in Mr. Wonderful's face and I go and I go and I go, I go, I guess

49:57Trixie Mattel:she's one size.

49:58Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like, can I have the honey lavender? Can I taste the honey lavender?

50:00Trixie Mattel:No, I know. And then you ended up getting that weird Earth Day one. Oh, I loved it. The blue and green one. Oh, it was blue and green.

50:06Katya Zamolodchikova:It was right on the posters. Vegan. Oh, no, it wasn't. Oh, it was. It was delicious. It was non-dairy. Oh my God, it was delicious. That was crazy. Oh my God, my mouth was watering.

50:13Trixie Mattel:That's when I knew you were doing fine. You were going to make a full recovery, you fucking cunt.

50:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Like. And then I could not, after like just becoming aware, after I tasted first, you know, they gave me the thing to taste, I was like, I realized what I had just done because you were literally I was in shock. I think I was bleeding. So Mr. Wonderful is patching you up. He knows how to do stitches. And you are literally in shock. And I cannot stop laughing. Sutures. And you're laughing. I cannot stop laughing. And then I'm like, I just hip-checked you. I just hip-checked you. I just hip-checked you. And I can't get it out because I'm laughing so hard. I'm almost pissing. Why don't you talk about who bought the ice cream?

50:47Katya Zamolodchikova:Mr. Wonderful.

50:48Trixie Mattel:Yeah, thank you.

50:49Katya Zamolodchikova:And again, before I got the cone and I just left. There you go.

50:53Trixie Mattel:Of course. Are you kidding? Took one lick of it, threw it on the ground, and then lit a new cigarette. I wouldn't be surprised. No, I unhinged my jaw. I threw the thing down.

51:02Katya Zamolodchikova:and it didn't hit the sides.

51:03Trixie Mattel:No, you know what's more efficient? Open the stitches, put the ice cream in there. Right in there. It's very soothing. Very. You know, that UCB right there, I was over there because I go to that place like once a week. If you ever want to do a Tracy Martell sighting, just go get a taco. You'll probably see me. And one time I saw Tracy next door eating sushi. Tracy, Tracy, our producer. That's when we saw Amanda Bynes. Yeah, yeah.

51:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Also, if you want to see a tweaker, hip check Mr.

51:23Trixie Mattel:Ferguson. Thank you. Watch my bald head get slammed into a wall. But that place, it was so funny. That place next door that's also there.

51:32Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like a super, it's like a deli, but they also have an outside area, the cafe thing or.

51:36Trixie Mattel:Oh, sorry. I went there last week and I was sitting there and UCB is right there. Yes. And there was a chalkboard that said sloppy seconds, 7 p.m. And I said, well, surely that's not Meatball and Big Dipper. It absolutely was. They have a show there monthly. Get out of here. And Meatball walks out with Darby Lynn. And I was like, no, with Alexis. And I was like, oh my God, it's you. Incredible. And so it was like, not only did I not go to your show, but I sat in the table next to it and watched everyone leave and then said, oh, did you have a show? I didn't even know. I've just been sitting here having a margarita.

52:06Trixie Mattel:So I looked like some kind of pull focus hater. I love it. It's like basically it's like - All these drag fans leaving and I'm sitting there with a margarita like, oh, was there a show? Didn't even know about it.

52:15Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like Sharon Stone going to like some like up and coming bitches movie premiere just like chewing up the scenery outside waiting for the paparazzi. It's like - A hundred percent. Oh, me? Oh, me? Sharon Stone? I was recalling DragCon.

52:28Trixie Mattel:Where am I? Yeah. I also, I want to say, not that we have to apologize, but I was really disappointed. We didn't get, I got FOMO that we didn't get to do our Netflix is a joke show.

52:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, and I saw our names on the advertisements all over town. Yeah, no, I did too. Yes, I did too. Oh, I did. I saw our names everywhere. Oh, I didn't, but that's incredible. That's crazy. No, that sucks. Oh, I have more stories. Wait, wait, wait. I want to, just on that note, before I forget, I just quickly want to, I know I don't have to but I do want to say like I am I am really I don't know what the word is. I'm sorry that this happened because I. And what else are you sorry for? Shut the fuck up. I'm sorry that my breasts are so big. Years of

53:09Trixie Mattel:psychological warfare amid your working relationship with Trixie Mattel.

53:18Katya Zamolodchikova:I feel like that's a stretch. No, no, no. Like you can stretch, bitch. Yeah, the two Boston dates. You can't even exercise anymore. Not for a short while. We have to talk about your brother. We're just in Boston. Boston, Boston. So just Boston. Oh, Boston. They're rescheduling two dates in Boston. They will be rescheduled. But the thing about Boston is that I feel particularly bad because the thing about Boston is that we're not going to Connecticut. We're not going to Maine. So people drive. I know, I know. And I was excited because, I mean, when we played Wang's Theater,

53:45Trixie Mattel:it has a new name now, right?

53:46Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like the Ernie Bach Jr. or whatever. Yeah.

53:48Trixie Mattel:You were like, you were crying. You were like, I can't believe it. And so we were going to do two nights, which we still are. Yes, we are. But I was excited.

53:54Katya Zamolodchikova:But you're going to get sick this time and you're going to die. I'm probably going to be sick. Yeah, because I'm going to kill you. Are you kidding me? It was sucked because also, I mean, I just, I love going back to Boston. But you're the Beyonce of Boston. They'll wait for you. They'll wait for you. Yeah, I'm the Michelle. The Michelle. Wolf. So that, no, no, in all seriousness. I'm the Michelle Wolf of Boston. Yeah, the wolf of, the wolf of a fucking Wall Street in a, the wolf of whatever. So anyway, the, I, no, that sucks. And I'm sorry because people do, they like, they make hotel reservations.

54:22Katya Zamolodchikova:That's what I feel bad about is like when they.

54:24Trixie Mattel:when they've taken off. Some people have to take a three-day work week. Or they take their vacation week. I know. I know. I feel for that too. Whatever I've had to cancel, I feel bad about that. Some people, like if they have a real job to even take off for a three-day weekend is like a whole spiel. So I do feel bad about that. I know. What are you going to do? We get 13 seconds

54:40Katya Zamolodchikova:of maternity leave in this country. It's not my fault. I'm sorry we don't live in Sweden. But you should use that maternity leave on our show. Thank you. Babies are welcome. Thank you. Obviously. You just had a C-section. Thank you, Tootsie. no you go first I hate when you do this

54:59so

55:01Katya Zamolodchikova:no no there's a new comedian that I love that I have to I have to shout out because this is the cool this is the cool thing about Drag Race and I love how famous you are I love that for you I love that for you I celebrate you I like I'm well you're in Brooklyn trying to make your career mega wide and you're succeeding I'm in the hospital going you go girl you got this girl I'll stay way down here. I'm the Ed McMahon. You're the Johnny Carson. I don't want to be famous. I don't need that. I'm happy. I'm me. And I don't want that kind of fame. I can't deal with it. Obviously, you see what happens when I get a little bit of money.

55:30Trixie Mattel:But you don't have to worry about becoming

55:32Katya Zamolodchikova:me because you never could. And I never will. And let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate the synergy of our inner and outer bodies aligning. Let's just use the months you have left in the best way we can. Yes. And I'm going to buy this$1 ,900 Lancome gel and I'm going to smear it all over my face. Right. Um, so the, the, there's the, the greatest joy is like, is finding these incredible, uh, stars, comedians. I mean, you know, like, oh, for example, so there's this Australian, uh, comedian Ursula, um, what the fuck is her name? Ursula, Ursula, but she spells it U R Z I L A. I believe Ursula, Ursula.

56:10Katya Zamolodchikova:And I don't have my fucking phone. So will you please look it up um tracy um it's um it's that is her ursula carlson oh my god oh carlson ursula carlson and she's got a show that's like um it's kind of like uh it's it's a sketch show it's a sketch show oh my god it's so fucking funny and she does this bit where like she's in the hospital and they're um she's like she's got you know she's stealing your bit she's stealing my i was why i was like i'm watching her right out of the hospital and um and she's like the doctor's like oh my god you're never gonna believe this but you have the world's smallest vagina it's i'd even say it's petite and she's like can i get a second opinion she's like yeah sure and then she gets the second piece like that is by far the smallest pussy i've ever seen we've got london on the on the phone and then she's got a laptop with london and the london's like jesus christ it's so freaking and smile.

57:05Katya Zamolodchikova:It's amazing. And then they get a fisherman and they're like, old-timey fisherman, what do you think? He's like, oh, it's so small. I'd kiss it, not throw it back. And then they're like, well, does anybody measure it? And then they get a diamond guy. They got a jeweler with the glasses. It's like, it's a perfectly up to the IFT. Flawless. And then they're like, great, now let's check the inus. And she's like, no, no, no, no. And they're like, oh my God, that's the biggest fucking asshole we've ever seen. And then they just faint.

57:33Trixie Mattel:It's amazing. so funny kind of like you that was inspired by you in the hospital it was did they have a catheter

57:39Katya Zamolodchikova:in your wiener is the pope does that hurt I've never done that yes they had a catheter that was attached to a bag that was orange red as you know oh right how are you in the bag

57:51Trixie Mattel:without the catheter sorry

57:51Katya Zamolodchikova:and then well through the moon tracker no I'm just like no no no no no it's a fair question and they pulled it out while I was awake and I was conscious and it felt horrible this fierce girl I know

58:04Trixie Mattel:I had to go to the I had to go to the Rheumatologist Like two weeks ago Did they put Where's my pee bag Because I've been doing Poorly So we're trying to figure out I will tell you this About my illness You don't realize You're in remission Until you get out of remission And you're like Wow I felt so good For so long Because I have been Dying It's been so bad

58:24Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm not to be woo in LA But have you charged Your crystals No

58:27Trixie Mattel:But I've been doing I do the card of the day Every day Thank God

58:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh good good good good It's usually Uno

58:37Trixie Mattel:Sometimes it's Mickey Mantle I pull a card out of my wallet My card of the day My Visa My capital one card My delta card By the way I'm getting PS I'm getting PS direct tomorrow Don't come for me Baby Because I've been sick I justified it because I've been sick

58:54Katya Zamolodchikova:Let me tell you something Let me let you in on a little secret I've gone behind your back And I told our manager I'm going to do this in this voice Because it's diabolical I said, with all due respect to the canceled, rescheduled part of my friend's dates, when I go back on that road, I want you to think of the following people. Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth Taylor, Taylor Swift. Right. Anybody that owns a private jet. I'm going to go in such pampered, exuberantly extravagant style within reason. Basically.

59:29Trixie Mattel:Transported like an organ transplant. I mean, yes.

59:33Katya Zamolodchikova:P.S. I love you. It's P.S. I can't live without you.

59:37Trixie Mattel:Not only am I on the plane, I'm in the cockpit. And the pilot is Jason Statham. And he's fucking me. And he's fucking me.

59:45Katya Zamolodchikova:And we're sucking each other off. Absolutely. And then the stewardess, who is also Tom Cruise. Charlie's Africa. Charlie's Africa. She's doing a play-by-play. Absolutely. And she's got Ursula Carlson on the line. And she's narrating it. And she's saying, You better fuck him. You better fuck him hard. You better get that. You better dick him down, but dick him into the fucking. Aerolingus?

1:00:08Trixie Mattel:Conalingus. Okay. Analingus. Love. Shout out to Aerolingus. Love Aerolingus. Anyway, well, I guess we have to wrap up, but welcome back.

1:00:16Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, oh, it's just, it's just changing. Shout out to the guests we had.

1:00:20Trixie Mattel:We had, we had Maria Bamford.

1:00:25Katya Zamolodchikova:Actually, that was the first moment I almost had FOMO, but I've had the pleasure of speaking with her directly.

1:00:30Trixie Mattel:Can I tell you what happened to me though.

1:00:32Katya Zamolodchikova:What?

1:00:33Trixie Mattel:Tracy said, are you going to blame me for something? Are you going to get pissed if aggressive with me? I can't deal with it. I can't deal with it. Tracy said, oh, she's sitting over there and Tracy goes, oh, Miss Pink, apparently Katya sent a voice note. And I was like, oh, Maria, Katya sent a voice note. So I'm thinking it's going to be, hi, Maria, love you, really wish I could be there.

1:00:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, also,

1:00:53Trixie Mattel:but it's not a voice note for her. It's just a voice note in general and it's crazy.

1:00:58Katya Zamolodchikova:But you know what though? Here's the thing. I love Maria. Maria is my favorite comedian. I would say always, ever since, ever since my - Mine's Joe Rogan. Yours is actually, yours is actually Sam Kinison. Of course. No, no, no. Stacey Kinison. Rodney Dendry. No, so Maria Bamford, I'm actually like, I was in a way relieved because Maria Bamford is, my friend Mallory, Majivan, or Mallory back in Boston, she, I'll never forget. she's like, you've got to watch this. I was like, I trust she has unimpeachable taste most of the time. So I'm like, okay, of course. I put it on and it's her stand-up special filmed at home with her parents.

1:01:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes. And it is so insane. I'm like, I had, it's like when Dorothy goes from black and white to technicolor, it's like, it's such a paradigm shift. Yeah. I've never seen anything like that. This is ages ago.

1:01:52Trixie Mattel:I think it's findable on YouTube now, that special. It has to be. It has to be. It was a while ago. It's at least rentable somewhere. It's great. Yes.

1:01:58Katya Zamolodchikova:It's very, You can view it somehow. It's just her parents in her living room. The conceit is so bonkers and she commits to it so much. A hundred percent. It's so funny. It's so, so funny. And also her, and then I went down the rabbit hole and then downloaded Unwanted Thought Syndrome, I think, where she has the long sleeves. Am I right, ladies? The long sleeves. It's called Roadshow, I think. Roadshow, yes. so I I'm like it's hard for me to interview comedians like that because I have to fight so hard not to just regurgitate their own material at them or say I can't you know what I mean I'm like I just become a blubbering stan

1:02:35Trixie Mattel:that was probably me

1:02:36Katya Zamolodchikova:but it's unavoidable

1:02:38Trixie Mattel:I was just such a I just I love her and I just was like I try to be a good interviewer but then again does it make you a good interviewer if you actually know their material maybe that's good no I think it's great

1:02:47Katya Zamolodchikova:and it's certainly flattering I mean when I'm I know I've been in like interviews where like, it's almost eerie when they like Sean Evans you from hot ones. And they're like, why do you know my social security number? Do you know what I mean? Like they know everything, but also it's like, it is kind of fun when they're respectful and they're alert and present, but they don't know any, they don't, but they're a good interview. And they don't, they haven't done exhaustive research. Cause then it's like, you can tell repeat stories. Like they're the first time. And then it's, but you're having a conversation.

1:03:14Katya Zamolodchikova:They're actually listening to you. No, I get it. There is a, there's a middle ground, but like I've often, I've often found that like comedians interviewing comedians is like not funny. Sometimes.

1:03:23Trixie Mattel:Do you know what I mean? Well, that's how it was when I had Robbie on who was awful. I'm just kidding. No, Robbie Hoffman was amazing. We had Maria Wade Robbie. The two girls from - Well, you're not a comedian. You're a model. The two girls from IMHO were amazing.

1:03:36Katya Zamolodchikova:I saw some clips of Juno Bursch. They were forced upon me. Juno was great. She's just also so - What a magic.

1:03:41Trixie Mattel:I think we have Kelly again. Ugh. Oh, God. Kelly Kapowski, right? Yeah.

1:03:45Katya Zamolodchikova:I wish.

1:03:47Trixie Mattel:I wish. Kelly from 90210. We had everyone's favorite drunkard down here.

1:03:52Katya Zamolodchikova:My God. Yeah, no, it's a... Well, shout out to all them.

1:03:56Trixie Mattel:Shout out to all the guests. Yes. They all wish you were here. And I said, she doesn't care about you.

1:04:01Katya Zamolodchikova:But you got to check out Ursula Carlson. I'll check it out.

1:04:05Trixie Mattel:Everybody go see Ursula and everybody go see Ronnie. Yes, Ronnie.

1:04:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Because I'm going to probably go do that as well. You better go, bitch. I'm going to drag my brother from staying with me. Oh my God. Last thing. Final thought. I'll tell you something. So Jennifer and I, Jennifer and I went to an Italian dinner. Guess what happened three days later? My brother and I not only replicated the entire meal in the kitchen of my kitchen, I'm going to dare say we fucking did it better. And then we did it better the same fucking next day. And I actually improved on the sauce that I did. And I don't want any smart comments from you because I'm telling the truth. And I can see that you think I'm lying.

1:04:39Katya Zamolodchikova:You think I'm perpetrating a fraud. You think I'm vindictive. You think this is a machination I've conducted. I got your number, hussy. It happened. and I need you to do with it.

1:04:50Trixie Mattel:I just have no prior like expectation of what you're capable of sober. I do believe you know how to turn on your oven. I just don't think it happens. You think I put my head inside is when I do. But I want to say something. That's it. Well, thank you guys so much. And make sure you check if you are the rescheduled dates, Boston, we are coming.

1:05:12Katya Zamolodchikova:And re-download the Moon Tracker because there's an update. Thank you.

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