Kristen Schaal and the Science of "Bricked" with Katya

19:24Trixie Mattel:You know what I mean? So I'm looking for a new rug right now. And you guys, my aesthetic is so wild. But my guest room is actually pretty muted. And so I'm looking for the right thing to add a little pizzazz without making my guest room as wild as the rest of my house. And Wayfair makes it super easy to narrow down exactly what you need for your style and budget. Like for a rug, I could dial in the size I want, the color I want, and just look for that size and color of rug. Love it. And it was super easy to shop and order and receive. It just shipped to my house. Super easy. You guys, when I was doing Trixie Motel Season 2, when I was doing my house, Wayfair, I mean, when I'm trying to pull the whole house together on like a TV timeline, Wayfair was wonderful because I could get things so quickly.

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20:18Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by Z-Biotics. I personally do not drink as I prefer to remain alert, perched on the edge of the evening like a watchful decorative bird, but I recently went to a wedding where everyone else surrendered themselves completely to joy, to dancing, to champagne flutes trembling in the soft candlelight. They gave in to the kind of open-bar optimism that convinces a grown man he should attempt to breakdance for the first time in his 40s. Whenever a wedding burns that brightly, you expect the next morning to look like a faded renaissance painting of smudged mascara, stained satin, and someone whispering to a plate of scrambled eggs at a continental breakfast as though they contained divine judgment.

20:53Katya Zamolodchikova:And yet at this particular wedding, shockingly, everyone arrived looking like regular human beings. They were dressed, they were speaking in full sentences. One woman was buttering toast with the steady hand of a surgeon. It was all due to Z-Biotics. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for rough days after drinking.

21:26Katya Zamolodchikova:Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. From the fairways in Augusta to the first pitch of baseball season and the start of festival circuits, April is a sprint of outdoor celebrations. Don't let a rough next day keep you on the sidelines. Drink pre-alcohol to stay ahead of the game and make the most of every sunny Saturday. Go to zbiotics.com slash bald to learn more and get 15 % off your first order when you use bald at checkout. Zbiotics is backed with a hundred percent money back guarantee.

22:00Katya Zamolodchikova:So if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash bald and use the code bald at checkout for 15 % off. I'm thinking of something that I probably shouldn't bring up on this podcast because we said units. Oh yeah. So you're like eunuchs. Oh, are you kidding me? Fascinating. Called Cry to Heaven? Do you know about that? What? No, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book, and we were talking about it at a party. I learned something I didn't know. Oh my god, let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this, because I know all about it.

22:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh great! It was like, all of a sudden, because my whole life, and I'm so sorry to the listeners. Yeah, the people on the 405, the 110, I-90 in mass, and 495 on to Worcester, in Massachusetts. Get your cyanide pills and you're going to be there for a while. Put your blue blockers on, put the hazards on, pull over and bite down hard on that pill. And bite down hard. Yeah, bite down hard. Because if you don't go all the way through, you're going to wake up and you're still there. But put your hazards on. On the shoulder. On the shoulder. Life's worth living. It surely is. And even for these eunuchs.

23:14So I didn't really, when my whole life, when they said, oh, they got, what do they call it? wouldn't get your so they get castrated castrated and okay so i thought everybody's balls came off that's it end of story yeah i didn't realize they would remove the penis as well and they would put a piece a little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate and like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee oh but they wouldn't have a penis and they would because the only good thing in my mind about a penis is that you can stand up and pee and they would deprive they'd have to sit like me yeah and spray everywhere everywhere everywhere just like fan of piss everywhere like a perfect pyramid oh my god

24:06Katya Zamolodchikova:all around like you have to get a funnel you have to get a large large funnel no it's along What is it like to just have a just such an elegant stream of piss three, five, eight times a day? How often do you piss? Like, what's the healthy amount? Well, this is a good thing. We come again to a very controversial talking point. Uh-oh. Good thing it's my last time on the show. In your last interview ever. Well, it's drying up. Anyway. That's a really great question. I think it's a good opener, too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day and have you today? I heard, so there's the jury is hung on this.

24:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Don't say hung when we're talking. Because for the longest time, I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration, healthy, healthy. But then I heard a counterpoint, which is that your urine is a waste product. Yeah. You drink when you're thirsty. Yeah. Period. Yeah. We really are all walking around with bottles of water like babies with their milk. Like, man, man, man. I need my water. I need my water. Where's my water? I need my water. I need my water. Well, I mean, water is an emergency very many frequently times. But when I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s.

25:45Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course you did. You've done every trend. I know it. Balayage. I did. What is that? I did. Has Mahjong ever entered the? Mahjong? Mahjong. That's not a trend. No, I know how to play. I just took a class. So does Julia Roberts. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends. Oh, my God. Do you know how? No, I'd love to learn, though, with Julia. Well, okay. I can't help you there. Wait, wait, wait. We have to go back to you, Nix. Okay. That's good. Dang it. They always get forgotten. I know. Well, what's the twig? So this is a plot point on one of my favorite shows, The Game of Thrones. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

26:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Because the Unsullied Army is famously, so she asks, the Dragon Queen asks, so when they, you know, when they clip their business, they take the twig and the berries. Right. That must have gone over my head. Yeah, apparently. Yes, they do. They take both of them. They took both of them. They take them both. And they had to hold on to them. What? They had to hold on to them. Like the whole time? Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that. They would put them in a box. This is my friend. And to take them with them because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole.

26:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooch? I mean. Or like a hat. Like just like a hat. I mean, depending on how. I mean. I mean, usually they do it quite young. So I'm not imagining it could be like, you could like maybe like bronze it, make a brooch. Oh, a bronze brooch would be great. Yeah. Or like a belt buckle, which would be confusing. A beagle put in disguise. Oh, yeah. Like at a masquerade. But there is Anne Rice wrote this book called Cry to Heaven. Yeah. Which was about, I read it in seventh grade. and it was about Italian castrati eunuchs, singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super like lusty, but I had a boner.

27:48Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, lucky you. I know. I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body whilst reading this book. It's a fabulous book. I don't know. She's, anyways, They're making Tom Ford is making a movie about this based on the book or just really. And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this? I will be sitting with you in the back row, not the front, the back row for that film. I am excited about this film. I can't wait. I mean, Dune Part 3, get out of here. Avengers, Doom Day. Just go fuck off. We're ready for the Unix show.

28:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Crystal shell, get out of here. Well, you were talking about, I think I might have brought this up. You're talking about getting a boner reading that book. Yeah. The last time I got. Bricked. Turned on. Bricked. What's bricked? It means hardened, erect, tumescent. That's kind of hot. I love it. I like it too. It's like gentle, but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it and also, yeah. What's my favorite, my favorite version, my favorite, what do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like, I don't want to steal. I don't want like a concrete penis.

29:13Katya Zamolodchikova:I like one that is just starting to wilt. So it has a little bit of pliability. Is it wilting because you did a bad job? Yes. Like why did you let it get there? Was it like. Because he's just bit into the cyanide pill.

29:36Life's worth living. Just to reiterate.

29:39Katya Zamolodchikova:If you or someone you know is struggling. No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't take the pill. Don't even take the Xanax. And don't drive. Don't drive. Oh, wait. So I was watching Wham! The Wham! documentary. And I was not ready. Is this George Michael? Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name right I'm wrong I'm sorry but the other way I'm guy Andrew and anyways but George Michael is like in his like prime and he is like singing and he's moving his body you know like just like provocative and I'm like watching it in my living room and all of a sudden I looked at it my hips were going like this towards the tv towards George Michael and I didn't I didn't know I was doing that.

30:26But it's just like, he's like, it's like, yeah. And my husband's over there, you know, but I was just like watching. He'd be singing. He'd be singing and I'd just be like up here. That's the only time that's ever happened. Wow.

30:40Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn. That was belt. Like he'd wear a belt and jeans and just like, I don't even think he like was aware. You know, that's what's so hot. Like it's just like there is the, we've talked about George Michael. He's just like, the music's just like going through him. Maybe he was aware. I think he was aware. And I think he wielded it to like, to glorious effect. But, but the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I got, I'm like, Oh yeah. It felt like he was, he wasn't trying. He wasn't trying too hard. But he was, but he was getting me bricks.

31:22Katya Zamolodchikova:and I like to spell it like you can't but when it's for women it's B-R-I-Q-U-E-D like brickhead oh god gross I'm out well you are after this unfortunately I know oh no this is the only podcast where people like happier that I'm here like I read the comments and I'm like oh my god when I'm feeling down I go to the comments on this. Now, I mean, they will never, they will never, they're going to turn on me and Trixie because we will have you, we'll have, you know, you will be sent away, but you will be sent somewhere really nice. I'm going to be, oh my God. Really nice. And you know, your daughter can visit once a month.

32:10Once a month only.

32:16Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by Zenni Glasses. I will confess something unbecoming of a great cinematic mind such as mine. For months, I was watching four-hour director's cuts through a pair of glasses so scratched and exhausted, they looked like they had survived the fall of the Roman Empire. I kept putting off replacing them because, even in 2026, getting new glasses somehow feels like mounting a full-scale, prestige drama for the fickle audiences of today. The appointments are arduous, the waiting rooms trite, the prices staggering. The entire process is filled with needless anguish. At a regular glasses place, my setup would have been about$320.

32:51Katya Zamolodchikova:I ordered from Zenni and paid$68. And frankly, I nearly gave Zenni a standing ovation right there in my living room. Zenni is an online eyewear shop with stylish prescription glasses, sunglasses, and blue light lenses starting at under$30. You go to zenni.com, pick a frame, upload your prescription, and they ship it to your door. No appointment, no store, no theatrical upsell. Now I have my regular pair for daytime movies and blue light glasses for those midnight screenings where I'm analyzing a Bulgarian allegory about a horse and still hoping to fall asleep afterward. And because Xenia is so affordable, I stopped asking, do I really need new glasses?

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34:07Trixie Mattel:Today's episode of All in the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. space. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay. So my massage therapist who I've been seeing for 10 years, for the first 12 many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together? Whatever. And hope he texts me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years, as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated in my self-care. And what's great is my massage therapist, his website that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available.

34:42Trixie Mattel:So instead of me having to like harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider, his time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website. Now for Squarespace, you don't have to be a massage therapist. Let's say you're somebody who always did hair and makeup for people in high school, and then you went to beauty school, and now you're basically doing blowouts left and right or doing makeup for people. Wouldn't it be great if beyond social media, you have somewhere people can find everything about what you do and your services.

35:13Trixie Mattel:And what's great about Squarespace is you can also integrate your social media. So like if you are putting a big push on, let's say your Instagram, you can embed this stuff or put direct links or anything like that. So people can also, if they're finding your website, they can use that to find your social media and vice versa. I also love that you can sell content. So let's say you're just one of my favorite type of things is as a producer, a lot of my favorite plugins that I use for like saturators or bass effects or things that I put in my music. A lot of those are created by independent creators.

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36:04Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by Roe. I have to admit, when I first started hearing about GLP-1s, I thought to myself, yet another health trend that's going to vanish the second the internet finds a new obsession. But the more I've heard from people I know who use them, the more impressed I've been. Yes, weight loss can be a big part of it, but what really stands out to me is everything beyond the bathroom scale. More energy, better lab numbers, fewer cravings, and more self-confidence. For a lot of people, that can make a huge difference as part of an overall health routine, especially when weight is connected to so many other health conditions.

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37:47Katya Zamolodchikova:What do you mean 14 people? Oh, does Largo have many spaces? It's like over 200 seats. Oh, okay. All the venues are 200 seaters. Okay. But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats. No, I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had 14 seats. I have a lot of vulnerability right now. I was like, Madison Square Garden, the SoFi Stadium. I am doing - The Coliseum in Rome. Oh my God. The Champs -Élysées in Paris, France. I love it when you speak French. I love it. And then also Edinburgh. We're doing five shows in Edinburgh. French Festival.

38:28Yeah. And one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater that's 1 ,500 seats.

38:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, baby, that's great. Which I think they're probably going to have to put some curtains up. No, they just put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked. Yes, they will. And I will make all their bodies go like this. And if they're not brick, they'll be holding their castrated penises. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Where are their penises? I know. I know. I have a male form. So I did one of my secret shame little hobbies is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret. Very secret. How many rhinestones? Covered. Concrusted. Oh. They're quite beautiful.

39:16Now, when you're working out in the thong, are you working out in front of a full-length mirror?

39:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course. Yeah, what's the point? What's the point? Yeah. But I mean, it's like, do I want to stare? Oh, my God. I'm getting bricked just thinking about you working out. It's because I'm with the unison. I'm forgetting. Oh, my God. Oh, Kakiya. Look at that shooter. You're shivering and shining. And you're doing your clothes. Can I get you unbricked for a second? Yeah. I'll break you. Please, please, please. I had to, I took one of the thongs out of my backpack the other day. I had to hand wash a shit stain out of it. How's that? How do you like that one? Because it was a white thong. I got a lot of questions.

40:00Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, I didn't shit in it, but you know, there was a skid mark. Yeah, but something happened. It was a skid mark. Is it a skid mark because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up? I gave up. Yeah, I do. I was like, what? I'd be like, tick tock, Clarice. I know. You need a bidet. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I do. I need a new home. Okay. We're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened? I have gotten some of it remodeled and it's just such a, oh my God, the people at home, they're going to just bite. They're biting down on pills right now to hear, hearing about this.

40:33Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it's just like an endless, it's an endless slog. But I just, it occurred to me this morning how privileged and truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home. Whether it's a yurt or like a temporary guest house in Mrs. Roper's backyard or whatever. Or who knows what, but like, I wished I could say that when I went home, I was like, honey, I'm home. Or like breathe outside and be like, oh, I'm home. It never happens. Okay. Has it ever happened in your whole life? Yes. Yes. Oh, that's good to know. Okay. Yes. For sure. For sure. Yeah. I had a house, bought it for way too much money, sold it for not enough money.

41:16Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, you want to talk about real estate deals? You're bad at them. Oh, baby. Bad doesn't even begin. Like, I am the worst. So, I would often come back to that place and be like, oh, I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts. Oh. But like - Why'd you sell it? Um, it's a complicated mixture of, uh, it's a long story. I've just like, there were no sidewalks.

41:48Katya Zamolodchikova:And I was on drugs.

41:54Katya Zamolodchikova:So anyways, so I thought it was last night I was up at, I got out of bed at three 30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house. It was a town home or whatever you call it, but there's a multi-level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I could swear, I was like, there's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there. Oh, Jesus. So maybe there's a rat. Maybe there's a possum. There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? There's several. There's some mojo. You can get a vibe. I have, the vibe is so thick and vicious.

42:31Katya Zamolodchikova:And plus like, I don't know, I probably, I've told the listeners so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer and this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess, the, she was a part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants, white tight, white t-shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool, very glamorous. And she's like, what? No champagne? No cocaine? what kind of photo shoot is this and then she had had a catholic priest with her doing um literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought there were evil spirits in there oh geez swinging incense yeah i'm not joking and did it feel better afterwards oh i don't know i left i was only in the pool oh okay but like she was really really concerned about it yeah and i was like damn yeah that's pretty that's although that's i feel like That's a level of, that's kind of like a.

43:25I just want you to find peace at home. I do too. You deserve it. You're a nice person.

43:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, thank you. But do you.

43:35This is my last time on the podcast.

43:38Katya Zamolodchikova:You have to be complimentary or else. Thank you. There's no time to do it. That was someone who does not believe it. Okay. So as you're. So wait. What is the most important part of a trilogy for you? I don't know Do you enjoy trilogies? Yeah it's amazing if they can all three fit together I guess the first one is the most fun because there's more questions unanswered Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come? Are you fucking kidding me? It's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad Yes I am the centaur Is this one where you do the Swan Lake? Yes. Okay. And my whole thing is I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody.

44:27Okay. But I'm a centaur.

44:29Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. And could you please explain to the, centaur is half horse, half woman? Yes. Yeah. Or a man. C-E-N-T-A-U-R. Yes. Yeah. Anyways, that's the show. And then I played with, there's like, it's kind of a musical. Uh-oh. What? I know. Watch out, Tonys. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Egot! Oh! the songs are pretty good I'm sure they're fucking great but the whole thing is like you know I just you can't control what the audience's experiences with it right well often you can no no you know they're gonna take what they you can control it while they're in the seat of course with many different types of technology belts and shot collars and stuff anyways How many times have you done it?

45:23Four.

45:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Jesus. So it's fresh. It's very fresh. And I'm only going to get to do it three more times. What? I know. And then Edinburgh. Because John Roberts, who plays Linda on Bob's Burgers and is an incredible singer. Julia's brother. Yes. Julia's brother. They don't talk, but it's fine. They don't talk. It's fine. It's amicable. It's a whole thing. Jealousy. but he's he lives in New York so that's why we only get to do it a few times and then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit but anyways I just wonder if you would like it or not and I would mean a lot to me do you want me to comp you or like what is it going to take I'm doing this for free can you use some of that ad money let's take a break so I saw I watched last night.

46:17Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course I'm going to fucking come. And second of all, I will pay my own money. Thank you. Because I just recently came into a very small but modest but still impactful windfall. You did? Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs and I didn't realize that they put my Venmo on the screen. I don't know what a wiggle gig is. A wiggle gig is when you go out and wiggle. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, your tongue. All of it. I know! I'm trying to keep it together! I would totally like give you hundreds of dollars. Were you wearing your sequined thong? No. So sadly. With the shit stain inside? Oh, the shit stain is fine.

46:56Katya Zamolodchikova:Your secret. It's just that it's not a tug. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been encrusted. So it's untuckable. Shiny on the outside, shit stained on the inside. That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of life. That's me. So, um, shiny on the outside, shit stain on the inside. Maybe that's my crystal special. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh God. Not a crystal special. Um, yeah. Yeah. So wait, so you're doing about, so back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah. They need help. Yeah. You're struggling. I'm bleeding out on this one.

47:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Like it's, it's really expensive. I mean, this is like JLo's, this is me dot, dot, dot. Now it's about, you know, 20 million self finance. It really is. it's not like that, but it is a little, it does feel like a midlife crisis show. For sure. Well, it's, I'm going to be there of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees. No discount. And just like, I'm sorry in advance. If you don't like it, listen, I would never, I, the last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home. What was it? Well, I was 11 though. Oh Jesus. You like everything after that. So I don't trust your opinion at all.

48:12Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no, no, no. Then that was the biggest lesson I've learned to temper my expectations. What was it? Do you remember? Yeah, it was a Cirque du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10. And I became completely obsessed. Like, you know, it's like, I don't know. Imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves on a different planet and then you found wolves. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you felt. And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God. I can't believe that. Anyways, they had another show in 1995. That was in 93. two years of anticipation I mean I'm talking X-ing off days on the calendar for like nine months we went there the first moment I was like it's so small it's so small that's it that's it I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like your new house you know no but I cried on my home it's diabolical and I've since grown to love the show I saw five more shows sure anyways yeah but so I with movies and stuff you know I mean I love I can't remember the last time I went to the theater and like was really like I don't really go to the theater that much but the chances long story short I don't know too late the chances of me not liking your show are so slim that's true you know we kind of get each other yeah I feel like we have we're both unix we both have a non-infected copper tube that's why the song fits so good non-infected uninfected copper pee holes oh wait wait so I didn't finish the water so I say if your pee clear you must be clear you know clear pee equals health well does your shit have to be clear?

50:02sure okay I see where we're going

50:04Katya Zamolodchikova:urine is a waste product And so when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little, they would always love to spout these little pseudoscientific facts and aphorisms about, you know, enlightenment or whatever. It was like, when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. so I do a little research and there's really no scientific data, peer review data to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. Yeah. It's purely temperature regulation.

50:41No, it's your skin. Well, yeah. And that's like saying like, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to release through my skin.

50:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, and like the kidney, I'm going to like twist my kidneys and pump them up into action. You know why you guys are so sick? You're not twisting your organs? No, but that's, so that's, you know, you're joking. That's really what we were hearing. Oh, geez. Yeah. Rinsing the organs, like twisting the viscera to like detoxify. And through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell bullshit because what is actually in your sweat is you have water, a little bit of salt and a very, very, very, very trace amount of like chemicals like I don't know like what is it?

51:30Metal.

51:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Metal. Yeah, very, very like Just a little bit of metal. Just a little bit of copper zinc and all of them. No, but very, very trace, trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys to talk about your body and they don't need To sweat it out. No, they don't need to sweat it. They don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing and also can be very invigorating and a nice, fun, little whatever. But that kind of bullshit makes me burns me up. Yeah, because they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I did. Sometimes it took three hot yoga classes a day.

52:00Katya Zamolodchikova:90 minutes. Isn't that insane? That is insane. It's insane. I go to at 9 a.m., 9 to 10.30, 11.30 to 1, and then I go back from 7.30 to 9. Fucking freak. Okay, so what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one? Drank water and peed. No. No, it's just great. But so when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow. It's a waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all courtesy of a doctor I followed online, OBGYN, who is, she's really into debunking myths and like, you know, because so much of TikTok and whatever is like, people are watching 10 second clips of like, actually, you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home.

52:45Katya Zamolodchikova:Just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean? And, you know, everybody's got an opinion on both sides. Right, right, right. Always. And a lot of weird, like, you know, I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter hay and she turned out great. Were you breastfed? I was, yeah, probably by too many breasts. Oh, my God. I had three moms. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's probably why you're so smart. Well, I was a huge baby. Yeah. Yeah. It took a lot. It was a 25-pound baby. Oh, my God. You were 25 pounds coming out. 25 pounds in the womb and I was like I think by the time I hit that table I was like 30 can you imagine that's really big that is a big baby I was 9 pounds and a couple ounces which is still a big baby my baby was 9 and a half pounds they were like do you want to have a natural birth or is it okay if we cut her out and I was like let's just cut her out we chop you in half that baby's big my childhood best friend was 11 pounds I've heard about an 11 pound baby that's really bad back to the pee that's all people want to hear they're like hanging on the edge of their seat this is your last episode bouncing on their teeth I just want to know about the pee so long story short by the way that's a good TV show no shit have you been watching it oh no it's a real show it's called long story short and it's on Netflix.

54:20I'm not involved in it in any way except for it's by the creator of Bulljack Horseman. Okay. And it follows a Jewish family and they time jump.

54:29Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. I think it's really brilliant. Okay, great. I'm looking for, is it a comedy? It's a comedy for adults. Okay, so they say, I did let Ruby watch the, they're like, orgasm, ejaculate and stuff. Oh, shit. And I'm like, let's fast forward, you know. as far as she's concerned everybody's a eunuch so that makes sense she knows what penises are she's seen them and she's jealous that you get about the elegant street I have a point on that which I completely forgot we're everywhere we need to have a five hour podcast we need to have a hot yoga class I will never I will never do that and I applaud your decision to do that because you know why and we'll get back to pee in a second it is unnecessary it just seems so uncomfortable you have no so i i am the worst out of all the people in my life the only person i know who sweats more than me is my dad and every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class just a normal normal yoga you can be doing yoga in the arctic in the tundra in our booty shorts and we'll be sweating our asses off.

55:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Imagine a class filled with, a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat. And I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch and a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall. Sure. Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six four. Some people are - List all the sizes. Yeah, we got five one. We got five two. We got five three. Now, what are all these people doing? Sweating. Sweating. and not just sweating. When we're bent over, the sweat is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool. It's stinky. It's more than, it doesn't even have the chance to get stinky.

56:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, exactly. It's just a fucking wet monson. A wall of. A wall of humid, hot, wet, nasty. Yes. I had to change, I had to bring two thick beach towels to put over my mat because I had to change towels mid-class. Right, because you were going to do two more classes later. No, no. For one class. Oh, Jesus. Do you have any of the laundry I racked up? I mean... Crazy. But did you look good, I guess? I enjoyed it. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, and then I got trained to teach it. You trained to be a hot yoga instructor? No, no, just a yoga. Just a yoga. Oh, you could teach yoga to me? I could reasonably and legally charge you for a yoga class today.

57:08Now that would be a fun podcast. Yoga with Katya.

57:12Katya Zamolodchikova:You know, but get this though. You'd have to wear that thumb. No. Yes. I paid you money. But that's what I will not fall into the trap because every yoga guru turns out to be a raper. Oh. A graper. Sorry, a graper. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh. Will you be the first? I'd be the first. To not be. I'd be the first non-graping crystal thong wearing gay guru. I feel like if you were teaching me and your thong was just like catching the light as a prism, that it would take my mind away from how boring yoga was. Well, see, I'm going to counter your suggestion and suggest that we swap the Lululemon and the Olo or wherever the fuck you sell, all the fancy neoprene athleisure stuff.

58:00Katya Zamolodchikova:We do all crystal accessories. like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal whatever for the students. Okay. I have another question. Is it sharp? Great question. Yeah. So when we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting, it's not going to be the most comfortable. And because these stones are glass, if you fall, say you're rolling and one happens to break, it is a dangerous opportunity. We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequins. We could do sequins. Little ones with like some foam around each one. Or we could do a metallic, very reflective kind of like stretchy nylon.

58:46Katya Zamolodchikova:That's been done. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're like broaching new fashion here. Yeah. So maybe it's like you protect your inner thighs. That's not my problem. It is your problem if you're going to go, you know, public. it's all underground. Okay. So my pee is yellow. Okay. And I am not ashamed of that. Yeah, no, no, no. Because I drink when I'm thirsty. Okay. So how often are you thirsty? Right now. Yum. Cheers. To your last podcast ever. Thank God. Yeah. I've shared enough. Yeah, one is good. Two is great. Three is enough.

59:33Katya Zamolodchikova:um i uh so so you're excited i mean so are you the ongoing projects though like louise belcher is that still is that old hat still going it's still awesome it's still awesome do you still love it i still love it i mean voice work must be amazing do you wear what do you wear do you dress up like tuxedo pants and everything um yeah tuxedo pants and everything

59:56everything else i have in my closet yeah layer you know the i have a lot of really i like clothes a lot and um i collect them i would say that would be what i collect is clothes and and when i get excited because i because when i think of a new clothing item i imagine myself in the future wearing it and I'm having a great time in my fantasy. And then, and, and, um, I need to start having fantasies of me and my old clothes though.

1:00:28Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no, that's okay. That will happen naturally. Yeah. That will happen naturally. I, I, I, I really relate. And I have, um, part of like, I was, this is one of the questions I was thinking about on the way here. I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff. I think hobbies are important. And it's, I think it's like, if you, like Trixie for example most of her hobbies she's ingeniously found a way to monetize which is incredible so are they hobbies anymore? I would argue that they're not but they're also really not because they've been meshed in her professional persona and she makes money from them I think that's not a hobby you spend money on a hobby you lose money on a hobby that's going to get you out of debt it's got to be because I'm going to buy the whole theater oh you know I like to draw and I think writing is a hobby too for me since I don't get paid for that but I'd like to oh boy would I like to I make clothes you do not are you wearing anything everything is very well tailored No, no, no, no, no.

1:01:40These are skit.

1:01:41Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, whoops. Yeah, it's laundry day. Lundry day. But you know what? I know, I know. He's got two different, mildly different pair of socks. It's not an affectation. It's kind of an olive green-ish gray and then a black sock here. Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? It's a diabolical. But you know what? It kind of goes with the, you know, what do they call that? Plaid? No, you know when you get your hair, it's something like you, where you get your hair kind of like goes from one foot. It's kind of an ombre. I feel like it's an ombre situation. And I got, somebody gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road.

1:02:13Katya Zamolodchikova:If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say like, what's your favorite movie? Say The Mirror by Tarkovsky. Okay. And then that's like a surefire way to be like, oh, wow, you're cool. You're cool, man. Really cool. Oh, God. Sorry about that. But I got, so the point is. Last one.

1:02:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Precious moments, and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you because I got a cover stitch. So I love sewing costumes, stage wear, but I'm branching out. I'm just taking off all my clothes. Do not stop talking. So I got a cover stitch. Oh, I like your tattoos. Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time. You do? No, no, God, no. But so see this stitch right here? This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, let's say, right. Yeah, that's a cover stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most like knit. They fold it. And they double stitch it. So like a knit, like I, sewing as a hobby.

1:03:13Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh my God. So fascinating because you will never be great at it. Like, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. One, one, one, one, one. One will never be great. Like it's a, it's a, it's such a, it's such a broad, like, um, uh, there's so many like different elements to it. And there are people who devote their entire lives to a certain fabric. Do you know what I mean? Like lace appliques or embroidery or whatever. So it's something that is really, really daunting, but it's always challenging and it'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a serger, which means I could make a t-shirt like this.

1:03:57Oh, wow.

1:03:58Katya Zamolodchikova:And I'm talking for real, though. No, I know. What about screen printing? That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawer and I do have access to puffy paint. Yeah, I drew this one. Oh, yeah. Nice. She's scary. That's good. Yeah, it's very scary. Have to have it on you, I guess.

1:04:30but uh so that so basically it's coming on friday i can't fucking wait oh because you know too with t-shirts they're my favorite garment but it's the material like if like i'll go to a show i always want to buy a t-shirt at shows and then the material is rough and i never wear them yeah

1:04:48Katya Zamolodchikova:Or what you could do is like, what is your favorite band is playing at the, you know, the garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is an XL. And you're like, God damn it. Yeah. You fucking bring that XL blouse over to me. I'm going to bring it to God's eye. And I'm going to slice it and dice it and serge it and cover stitch it to fit your tiny, like tiny sexualized, over sexualized my Hollywood body. Well, so the sewing, my mom is a sewer and it's, you know, it's hard to find. It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like we have to go, she lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only store that will fix her sewing machine.

1:05:34And you know what I mean? Yes, I do. I'm sure in LA it's a little bit better.

1:05:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, it's a little bit better, not since all this drama with ice and everything, because the downtown area has been a very different story. And like I have there have been people that friends of mine that I have known who are not heard from in a minute and not saying that whatever. Well, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you.

1:06:06Katya Zamolodchikova:so it's like you know it's it's it's like it's a whole different but yeah there's there's a ton of um there's a guy carlos who um i had an industrial sir uh the hard thing about sewing is that the equipment the gear gets really expensive it's like photography yeah yeah i could never afford photography in high school because the lab fees were so expensive uh-huh so expensive i mean in college i mean it's shocking how because i remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever. And I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards. Oh, the fabric. I was like, what? Oh, the fabric.

1:06:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Don't even get me started. I'm talking about this. Machines. I bought, I went to Mood Fabrics, which is like, I think they're made famous by Project Runway. Of course. I mean. We're going to Mood. I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there. Yeah. Mood is, when I walk into Mood, I got to do double panties for the brickness. because it's like, it's, I, and I always end up making the most horrible choices. I need to go in there with two chaperones. Yeah. You need a friend. Yeah. Yeah. Because I either buy something and something that's so dazzling, but the wrong color or whatever.

1:07:12Katya Zamolodchikova:I bought a four yards of trim at$150 a yard. Oh my God. That is very, that's trim. That's like, that's just trim. Yikes. Gorgeous. For what are you putting in? I don't know. that's the problem there's no vision would it go on like no would it go on pillows like this oh no no this is for costume stage wear oh so trimming like sleeves like cowboy what's going on so I'm in an area I'm in an era of my life I'm sorry to make it all about me on your last episode I feel like I'm talking too much you are the star I've only got this show the legend of crystal shell which is I've been told is highly entertaining but maybe not very deep by my high school friend.

1:07:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Very not deep? Well, it might not be deep enough for some people, but it's deep to me. Maybe they lack the bandwidth to plunge to the depths that it requires them to go. The show is, my agent said, we watched Mike Birbiglia's show, and she's like, I need you to do something like this. And I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response, and it is actually very autobiographical, all the way through. Do you love doing it? you've done it four times I've done it four times I love it wait yes I love it I love it come come come yeah yeah no no and this is serious can you zoom in a little bit like yeah that's you talk to that one oh she can't do it there's one person here no no no we'll do it in post we'll do it in post okay oh zoom in and just like please for the price of about 15 lattes you and a friend can also who also buy 15 lattes could attend one of the most not one of the most surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal.

1:09:00Katya Zamolodchikova:Often imitated, often tried to duplicate it, but she's inimitable and indubitical. Thank you. Indubitical. Thank you. And it is her swan song, her last show, her last project. Yeah. God. You might be right. No! No. So you have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a eunuch. Ooh. Ooh. By the way Great words May 7th and 8th at Dynasty Typewriter and May 12th at Largo And you can think about it as a birthday present For me because my birthday is on The 1st so a lot of people Happy birthday Thank you Do you want to hear the birthday song my husband and I made up to sing 5, 6, 7, 8 Birthday boy Birthday fun You can also say girl Birthday girl birthday fun birthday girl you're number one happy birthday love ya it's interchangeable i love that thank you i love that just cut that out please god ah the flop sweat speaking out loud no flop sweat yoga well funny you should say that i taught my first and only class i taught was co-taught with a girl guess what it was called Flop sweat.

1:10:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Queer yoga. Now, what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay? Right. Nobody asked. Nobody answered. But they showed up. Flop sweats the whole time. They showed up. A few people did. It was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time. Total disaster. What won't be a disaster is your show. Thank you. Wait, can we just, because Tracy's like kicking me off the show. Yeah, she's actually, I don't think this is being recorded right now. Yeah, we have a Lincoln Town car. It's not an SUV. I'm so sorry, but it's, but they have your condition. Okay. Um, what, um, you said the, you're in a new era and, and then, and then I interrupted or something and I want to know what, what the fringe of the material from mood, you're in a new era sewing wise.

1:11:06And please, we have to.

1:11:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. So I, I got this, the most incredible, I'm going to show it to you because this is the inspiration. Although this will, you know, when that, that whole, that stupid meme of like when I ordered it and then when it actually came. Yes. Like from Gucci, from Amazon, you know, that kind of thing. My friend just called me. The inspo, this is what I'm trying to do. So these jewels, see that gorgeous like glittery, like sheer mesh thing? Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. See, the problem with that is that she has this jeweled underwire bra that are propping up her large breasts. Right, so it's a bigger structure.

1:11:51Katya Zamolodchikova:And she's got large breasts. Yes. And a tiny waist and a very lithe body. But you could have all those things. Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I went to Mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that look. Spend about$900. That's nothing at Mood. That's nothing. It's literally nothing at Mood. They're probably mad at you. It was probably more than that. But it was like, but yeah, so and I get it in the, but I get it in blush. Like a champagne blush. No, no. That's going to make me look fat as a house. It's not going to pop. You know, it's just going to like, it's going to sparkle.

1:12:25With your skin tone. No shit.

1:12:27Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like. What are you thinking? What happened? No, I was in a. Did the blush look good on the shelf at least? It looked fabulous on the shelf. What is going to look like me is trash. Yeah. I should have got a green. Like this? Like this? No, no. It's going to. It's more berry. No, no. It's like a champagne. Like a champagne. It's like. It's almost like. It's like a tan. No. You got a tan? I got a tan. You got beige. No, it's a champagne. Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless with a bit of beige. It's like a rosé, a blush. It's like a sparkling wine. Rosé is somewhat orange. The point is, it's not slimming.

1:13:05Katya Zamolodchikova:It's going to offer no contrast. It's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. It was a big mistake. Huge. Can you return? Absolutely not. All sales are final. And this is a silly question, but can you dye it in any way? My roommate or my studio mate who just called me, his answer would be like, of course you can. Yeah. No. He thinks you could dye anything. Right. Yeah. But no? No, absolutely not. Could you put, okay, last question. Could you put like - I could trade. Because is it a little bit translucent at all? Well, it's a mesh. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the color under. Yeah. But then now we're adding bulk to an already non-stress.

1:13:47But you need that structure.

1:13:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, right, but I've already got an understructure. You could die the understructure. They're biting my pills in the car right now. I know they are. We've lost them. We lost them so long ago, though. I don't even care. Yeah, it's like, oh, fuck yourself. This is the last. Yeah, this is for us. This is the last of us. I'll never see Katya again. But it's going to be a challenge. Like Tim goes, there's honors. I don't even know how he talks. I haven't seen the show. You haven't seen the show? No. Oh, it's so fun. I'm sure it is. I saw it when I was younger. I was like there for the first season.

1:14:17Katya Zamolodchikova:The point is, my cover stitch machine and... Just kidding. I won. Three times. Boring! So what I'm going to do when I come to see your show at the Dynasty Typewriter and at the Netflix is a Joke thing... No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo. At Largo, but for the Netflix is a Joke? It's part of Netflix is a Joke. Oh, but that thing is like some amorphous... They care more about Seth Rogen's show. Don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no. Oh, wait, can I share some personal triumph? Of course. I know we're going along. I don't care. Oh, Ruby.

1:14:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Ruby's sitting in the school office. Go on. Oh, my God. That's right. You're going to pick up your child. Okay, okay, okay. We're going to go. I forgot too. I forgot too. Okay, okay, okay. Babies. Okay, go get your eight-year-old. But one thing, one last thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're playing a show at the Wiltern, Bald and Beautiful Live at the Wiltern. But just recently at the Wiltern, that woman I just showed you, that's a singer from Russia or from Ukraine. I saw her live recently great lovely kind of is she a fan of you? uh I don't think so I did a parody of her song yeah that I think she doesn't think is that fun but I'm not sure about that but her publicist did give me free tickets so that sounds yeah but I so I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Verka Serdyuchka with a this she looks very very quickly I swear I won't keep you um she looks so insane so can I lift up your sleeve?

1:15:45Please. Oh, God.

1:15:47Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Your tattoos are really fun. They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I'm looking at the stitch now. So that's her. Oh, I like that. I like that hat. Yeah. So she was in the movie Spy. Okay. She had a cameo in the movie Spy. Oh, I like that one. It's a good movie. Yeah. And when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out, and she's a man in a fat suit with like an aunt. She plays an auntie character. Uh-huh. A full band plugged in. I mean, saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like, or the band was probably 15 people, including dancers.

1:16:26Katya Zamolodchikova:And just like, it was nonstop, high energy, like a 90-minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring, that during the encore halfway through, I had to make my way to the back because I had a headache. I was so like geeked and gooned. So I would just say. That's your Cirque du Soleil now. Yes, exactly. So I was, you know, it defied expectations. And I know that's what your show is going to do. Good, good. Oh, wow. You tied it up real pretty. So please go visit Kristen Schaal at Crystal Schaal. How is it? It's the Legend of Crystal Schaal.

1:17:12Katya Zamolodchikova:She conchishly admits. there's no website for it well we'll have all the details and this will come out soon you can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram there you go and as soon as I show in someday I'm gonna take Instagram and I'm gonna light on fire cause I'm so done with social media oh you and me both I have another Instagram that I look at football butts and that's about it that's great but do you notice that it's like taking over your brain like a real parasite are you kidding me I mean I'm scared Are you kidding me? It's like, what's wrong with this? It's like, oh, wait, let me text back.

1:17:50Let me text back the. Oh, yeah.

1:17:54Katya Zamolodchikova:Hold on. I just need to. What happened? I just need to remove this note from a patient's esophagus. It's crazy. It's crazy. People on the street. On the street in the bathroom. People crossing the street. during sex, gay sex. Are you kidding me right now? That's a whole nother can of worms which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. Thank you so much for being here. Sorry, but if you are doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex. Jail. Yeah. Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolle book, The Power of Now. Yeah, beautiful. Goodbye, everybody. It's been nice.

1:18:35Thank you.

1:18:36Katya Zamolodchikova:This is the Avengers Endgame. Yes. This is our Lord of the Rings. Well, I don't understand why I can't come back someday. We would have to do a reboot. And Hollywood loves that. It's because Trixie hates me. It's like only when Trixie's gone. Well, we'll have to do, she'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I won't love it. Thank you so much, guys. No, thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

1:19:30We'll see you next time.

1:19:39Katya Zamolodchikova:thousand points. Learn more and find out your offer at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum. Terms apply.