The Squirtle Spurtle with Trixie and Katya

8:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Which is from Kill Bill. Okay. Yeah. because on this shitty ass block I live on, I live on the loveliest street. And by lovely, I mean the shit ass. Right. I think it's probably, it was technically called, but I think it's actually a shit ass Boulevard.

8:55Trixie Mattel:You're in West Hollywood proper, right? The address is West Hollywood or is it Hollywood? It's Hollywood.

9:00Katya Zamolodchikova:It's technically West Hollywood,

9:01Trixie Mattel:but it's really just shit ass. There is this bewitching area between West Hollywood and Hollywood where you get the blood of Hollywood with the drug use of West Hollywood.

9:10Katya Zamolodchikova:Beep, beep. That's it. that's where you are too that's a bingo that's how I know that's a bingo and so on this shit ass street we've got a lovely array of apartment buildings that you know they erect them in about 12, 13 minutes girl I was like oh so the scaffoldings in the 70s mama dingbats popcorn ceilings dingbats popcorn ceilings that amplify sound amplify I'm living in a fucking I'm living in a giant speaker right It's crazy. The subwoofer. Yeah. I live in it. It is so flagrant. It's so abusive. And I have to just, I was like running a little late today. So I was stomping. I got stairs, which I love stairs.

9:53Katya Zamolodchikova:But I was stomping up and down the stairs. It's good for you. I love stairs. Yeah. If I could live in like a teeny tiny, like eight, um, like, you know, just like a little tower with eight, uh, stairs. Oh, a lighthouse with a circle. That's what somebody suggested. And I really agree. I would love that for you.

10:08Trixie Mattel:Me too. We would never see you again. Girl, the lighthouse would be your fucking iPhone at night watching porn. No. That's the light.

10:14Katya Zamolodchikova:I don't watch porn on my phone. I do my two screens like the guy next door. No, I'm just kidding. No, I do not watch porn on my phone. Girl. It's so teeny. Let me just do a performance to me. My astigmatism? No. No. All that blue light. All that blue light. Did you put it on night shift? True tone. Now, way back to that guy. because Mary, in my bedroom, I opened the curtain to let, the other day when I opened all the windows to get some fresh air, it was like Piccadilly Circus. It was like - In what way? It's like Piccadilly Circus in here. It was so fucking loud. It was so fucking loud because on every, like every cardinal point, there's construction, crackheads.

10:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Last night, the helicopters, mama, the helicopters were in my bedroom. Girl. Those blades were like chewing up my comforter. They fly over Hollywood.

11:08Trixie Mattel:They fly low and they fly with those lights on. Have you ever had the light shine in your house? Uh-huh.

11:13Katya Zamolodchikova:It is so. You're at home. I'm like, they're coming after me. Obviously, they're coming after me.

11:18Trixie Mattel:I'm in the kitchen making my medjool date and rice-a-roni casserole, whatever the fuck I'm doing. A celery salad, right? Lately, I've been getting crafty. I've been doing nutritional yeast, apple cider vinegar, some dead bugs. Girl, it's crazy. Dead bugs. I'd be in my house on the couch and when I hear the copters, I'm like, okay, sure. And then sometimes I'll turn on the news to be like, I bet they're in my neighborhood. The news? Right. They'll usually have the chase that's going on on the TV at the same time. That never even occurred to me. Oh yeah. You can just see where they're at. You can be like, oh yeah, there's Gelson's.

11:49Trixie Mattel:Do they have the news on YouTube? I don't know. We watch like six news channels. Really? Yeah. News is on from sunup to sundown.

11:57Katya Zamolodchikova:I just watched Democracy Now in the morning, but anyways, go ahead.

11:59Trixie Mattel:Yeah. We watch The Local. We watch every iteration. I love the local news in LA because for a huge city, they got fucking nothing to talk about, bitch. For America's second largest city where they're like, so they're having a dog adoption at the Beat and Button Fair in Pasadena. I'm like, ain't there shootings? Ain't there crackheads jumping out of planes? There's a shoe store in Melrose that's closing at five today. And the helicopter in the window. It's one thing when they're circling and you're like, and I'm a little unwoke in the sense that I'm like, I hope you get who you're looking for. Like bring justice, whatever.

12:36Trixie Mattel:But on the other hand, it's often the news. And on the other hand, once that light comes in my window, oh, queen. You're like, wait, hold on. It's like, wait, yeah. Yes. Especially if I'm in back. I'm usually naked in the hot tub in the backyard because I have good coverage. You're worried about being relatable and I'm talking about being in the backyard in the hot tub. I don't care.

12:56Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no, no, no. This is extremely relatable to me because I'm worried about being naked. Okay. but when there's a plane circling

13:03Trixie Mattel:my mind goes straight to TMZ they're gonna shine lights on your breast boobs and your titties so I put one leg here and usually if I'm not at my winter weight I can push my pelvis out of the water and I wait for the TMZ to fly over and I go

13:19Katya Zamolodchikova:but then you have that crocheted titty top that says KTLA get a load of this

13:27Trixie Mattel:I don't want to come for KTLA

13:29Katya Zamolodchikova:no no no you turn on the news and then the story's about the houses across the street.

13:35Trixie Mattel:Meanwhile, you're a hard boner. There is a woman, she has been very open on social media about, on the news, the local news, about fighting cancer. She wears wigs on the news. And it has made me think, if you're on the news, you have to get up at two in the morning and all that. Get all these women wigs.

13:52Katya Zamolodchikova:Keep styling your hair at three in the morning. Baby. Get the women wigs. That is a whole different lifestyle. It's crazy. back to my horrible suffering trauma last night it was so it's so crazy I love to be naked but even worse is that I love as you know to wear these little secret outfits at home and because I love working out in them and my gym membership is through the window I don't go there anymore and because you're too old to transition no I'm not 50 when i'm 50 i become the only transsexual right yeah so we're not there by killing everyone else no no no okay having someone else killed i know you know like there's like a gold medalist at the olympics right if you know being a trans woman had that competition it would just be me right at the top but everybody knows that so the i my it's just like i want to sound you know like i've researched so much soundproofing and i'm just like you know what let's just get the fuck out of here.

14:56Katya Zamolodchikova:Let's just get the fuck out of here.

14:58Trixie Mattel:We talked about, I think, two episodes ago where you were kind of focusing on pivoting to reselling. Are you still with that pivot then?

15:05Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, that pivot is squarely in the front of my consciousness.

15:09Trixie Mattel:That's good. Yeah. You have a goal. And you said it's going to be a lot of micro steps to do it.

15:16Katya Zamolodchikova:Micro, macro, macro. Macro. It's like, you know in the movie, The Long Walk where they shoot you if you start walking? Girl, why would you do all this shit to your bathroom and leave? Burning money. Well, here's the thing. I'm not sure if you've ever met me before, Hai. I love to waste money. You really do. And I love to make every wrong decision that there is so that other people can make the right ones.

15:34Trixie Mattel:By the way, though, what if someone is like, okay, realtor, I'm looking for a house that is half ugly, half kind of black, white, and red crazy. And then they find your house and they're like, work.

15:45Katya Zamolodchikova:They're like, this is my ultimate retail buyer situation. And it's like, so I'm looking for like a three story townhouse that has like no privacy at all. Like paper thin crepe walls, like tissue paper. And like one bathroom is like super, super goth and hard to clean. And then the other one is, and then the bedrooms have like a super weird paint, but like a, like outrageously expensive bed that I can't keep.

16:09Trixie Mattel:And then like, you know, and what if, and what if even though this person was rescued from the cycles of addiction by the X program, what if the whole place reeked of cigarette smoke?

16:18Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, I have never smoked in the house. You haven't? Not once. That's good. I have married. Sometimes change happens. My, you've been to my Hovell on Laurel, the old, old, old one, the cigarette hut. Yeah. The smoke shack.

16:32Trixie Mattel:The one with the studio? The smoke shack. Yeah. Do you know Nick was your neighbor?

16:38Trixie Mattel:You had. He was. I don't want to say he was.

16:45Katya Zamolodchikova:We're just saying a dress. We'll get this though. Get. Oh my God. I have a story. I've got good stories. Oh my God. Good stories. Oh, Well, we also have a... I know. There's a lot to say today. I know, I got a lot to get through shit. And it's all going to be on the Patreon.

16:59Trixie Mattel:All the good stories will be behind a paywall. Let's take a 30-minute break. Yeah, let's take a break.

17:10Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is sponsored by Lola Blankets. There comes a time in a well-lived life, a particular season in which one no longer mistakes convenience for beauty, nor mere function for grace. One begins instead to crave rooms with a soul to them. Rooms that glow in the amber hush of late afternoon, where a bowl of clementines gleams on the counter, where the kettle murmurs softly and a truly exquisite blanket lies folded nearby like a domestic promise of tranquility. That, for me, was the beginning of Lola Blankets. I discovered Lola through a friend with that rare and enviable instinct for elegance, and the moment I touched my first Lola, I knew with complete and ridiculous certainty that this was no ordinary household object.

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19:27Trixie Mattel:Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Ritual. Hello, your gut microbiome. It's key to your mental health, your immunity, and of course your digestion. Ritual has got your back or rather your biome with Symbiotic Plus, a three-in-one supplement of clinically studied pre and pro and post biotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. Let me tell you guys, I'm getting older. My body's changing. We all know about that. And I'll tell you that that part of your body being at peace is something to not take for granted. Okay. And I'm going to tell you when I'm taking my probiotics, it really protects me against the things I eat, the way I act, the way I treat my body.

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21:00Katya Zamolodchikova:I went to visit a sex worker. Oh, okay. In jail? My dad's not in jail.

21:11Trixie Mattel:I went to visit

21:12Katya Zamolodchikova:a sex worker. I was like, on their deathbed? In Rikers Island. We jerked up to the glass. It was a... I don't know how much detail is appropriate to go into. So his social security number was, no. He was a little expensive, though. LA sex workers, in my opinion. Does he know you're talking about this?

21:32Trixie Mattel:No.

21:33Katya Zamolodchikova:He has no idea.

21:34Trixie Mattel:Well, one time you got a massage and the person was mad. So I just don't want people to be mad.

21:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, yes. That guy, because I flippantly refer to him as a hooker. He was very nonplussed. Right. He didn't know who I was, though, of course. So then I was a little perplexed when he called me out moments after the podcast had aired. Interesting. Yeah. Anyways.

21:51Trixie Mattel:We respect sex workers. Are you kidding me? This is not a pod where we - Respect? Adore. Yeah. And we honestly only give glowing, not that I'm giving them, but when we talk about sex work. I am not. We're bashing sex workers. Accentuate the positive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eliminate the negative.

22:08Katya Zamolodchikova:So there's some sidebar. I hate when podcasters like famous ones say like, you'll never believe who we had. I can't say who I'll tell you after. Do you know what I'm talking about? I hate when they do that.

22:20Trixie Mattel:I hate when people have a segue and then say, wasn't that a good segue? No, it's like if it is. Break to say it's a good segue. It makes me want to lose it.

22:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. It's like, it's like when someone is fucking with her. They're like, isn't this fucking nice? Girl. It's up there with. Isn't this an enjoyable fucking? It's up there. Isn't this pleasurable fucking I'm giving you? It's working, right? Is it working?

22:46Trixie Mattel:It's up there when you go to a restaurant that has four walls, a door and food being served. And they say, we're doing, we do things a little different around here. No, you don't. That's when they take down their khakis and start jacking it on your plate. So I'm going to say what food I want. You're going to bring me that food. I'm going to give you money and leave. Baby. I hate to burst your bubble. But they're doing the same thing next door at the other restaurants. Okay, bitch.

23:09Katya Zamolodchikova:It's crazy. Can I talk about the hooker? Let's go get the hooker. Don't say hooker. He wouldn't mind. Okay. Sex worker. Sex worker. He had a sling. I don't do that. But so it was a sexy massage. It was very vanilla. I'm such like Pollyanna. A sling is vanilla. Call me when it's a noose. Oh, no, no. I didn't use a sling. Call me when it's a noose. He had a bunch of nooses. He says he has a sling. It's just a bunch of nooses. Well, I mean, not that I have or ever will. No, but I'm so fascinated by autoerotic asphyxiation. Well, don't get too fascinated. I won't do it.

23:48Trixie Mattel:Okay. You know what I want? I don't want a sling. I want the Cenobites, chains flying out from the corner. you open the box

23:55Katya Zamolodchikova:so I came call me when it's that when I propose to someone with a ring they're going to open the box and it's just going to be changed okay so lovely time huge wonderful cock good but in lovely guy that's great older

24:12Trixie Mattel:did it make you feel comfortable and all that

24:14Katya Zamolodchikova:oh lovely and just we had banter we chatted did he know that you used to be a I mentioned it in passing And then I showed him a picture of me as a dragoon. And he was like, that's you? And I said, yeah. So I put on drag and I just did a little show.

24:30Trixie Mattel:No. You probably showed him like a face app, baby filter. It was Mungerub. Liquefy.

24:36Katya Zamolodchikova:In Wuthering Heights, though. You hadn't seen it yet. Right. No, but we did that. But point is, that was by my old, old neighborhood. Right. So I walked around the street. I went to the smoke shop to get some$11 Sprite. an$11 Sprite. Girl, they got you. Crazy, but it's so delicious. And the guy... But you don't live on that street anymore.

24:59Trixie Mattel:No, I don't. It's like out-of-state tuition now.

25:01Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, I mean, I was like, I was so, like, I was so wistful and like, you know, it was memory lane. And I, the smoke shop, I used to go there all the time. And the guy was like really cute. And I was, he was really nice, straight. And then he started like talking about my tattoos. And I was like, oh my God, I wanted to fuck him so bad so I left, went to the pizza shop ordered a pizza, went back in and then got another, I think I got like Skittles or some shit. Back for your other$11 soda? No, no, this was like just a candy I got Skittles. Did you give him pizza? No, it hadn't happened yet and I was just like trying to be I'm creepy, you know I know and if I try to do smooth or slick or have game, it gives like yikes So I, but it was working.

25:50Katya Zamolodchikova:He was so interested in my tattoos and like, he was like, I swear to God, he's giving me these lingering glances. And I found that more erotic and exciting than actually anything happening after that. You know, Mateo and I were talking about this.

26:04Trixie Mattel:I think that things that aren't sex can sometimes be not even comparable, but on their own level, sexier without the sex, but sexier.

26:14Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, that's why I literally don't jerk off to porn. I jerk off to, you know, clips from Late Show. Right. Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel.

26:24Trixie Mattel:Yeah. I have something to show you that's made me horny.

26:27Katya Zamolodchikova:If it's a new clip of Jason Momoa, I don't want to get a boner, so don't show me.

26:31Trixie Mattel:No, but I don't speak Spanish, but when I watched... Bad Bunny? I almost called him Lady Bunny. When I watched Bad Bunny, I knew those lyrics were about him wanting to fuck me. No doubt in my mind. Conservatives are like, we can't understand. I'm like, I do. I don't speak a word of Spanish and I know he's talking about opening me up. And Benito, you can write in. We don't have guests anymore really,

26:55Katya Zamolodchikova:but you can kill me and have him. You come down here. I thought I saw him on a scooter today, but I was like, I don't think he's on a scooter in LA.

27:02Trixie Mattel:So do you know about this viral queen? Queen? Do you know about this viral evil queen from Disneyland? Yes, who got fired? Yes. She's become a friend of mine. We text, but I'm kind of mystified by that because in some ways I feel like their job is the only thing similar to our job. Yeah. Oh, very much so. Yeah, yeah. But there's a second one. So Universal Studios, they have different characters. They have Scooby-Doo. Flubber. They have Wicked. They have their own franchises, right? Flubber. Flubber. They have Dracula, old school like Dracula, like old school Dracula, like Bela Lugosi Dracula. Is he hot?

27:39Trixie Mattel:And there's a Dracula who's famous on TikTok called Dimples Dracula. He's super tall, super deep voice. look

28:01he says to her

28:02Trixie Mattel:he goes don't worry life is short but I can always make it shorter isn't that horny? that's so horny and he has dimples so the TikTok search is dimples Dracula and all the comments are like this isn't a hear me out. This is hold me back.

28:18Katya Zamolodchikova:So wait,

28:19Trixie Mattel:so I'm not going to Universal anymore because he's going to hear about this. Yeah. And he's going to, yeah, you'll get a restraining order. No, if you go, you'll probably get an offer to do Nosferatu. As long as they get to work with him. Yeah. I just, how weird to do, obviously Dracula is a gentleman. He's suave, but tall and horny. When people take the picture of them, he puts the caper on them. It's like, Oh, sorry. That's not cream cheese on the floor. You know what I mean? Thank you. bird poop.

28:47Katya Zamolodchikova:No, I think it is. Sorry.

28:50Trixie Mattel:Girl, thought of you the other day. Wait, wait, why? Bought oatmeal, cooked it. Did you do the steel cut? Did you do the batch?

28:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Was it rolled oats, quick oats? I think it was rolled oats. No. Is that bad? No, no, it's not bad. It's not bad. It's not bad. It was in a bag. Yeah. You cook it with water? For 30 minutes? No. But they were like, what did they look like? It was 10 minutes. Okay. They looked like wood ticks.

29:15Trixie Mattel:They're like flat, pine wood colored oats, the kind that might be on bread.

29:21Katya Zamolodchikova:You got to get into the golden spurtle. Got it. The Irish steel cut oatmeal, the golden spurtle. So what you got to do is you got to, it's annoying, but I cook a whole week's worth when they call it. I hate this term meal prepping.

29:37Trixie Mattel:It feels like cooking, baby.

29:39Katya Zamolodchikova:It's just cooking. Just say you're cooking. I'm cooking food. I'm meal prepping. I'm not hiking Kilimanjaro this week. You know what I mean?

29:46Trixie Mattel:I'm investing in my mental health. Baby, you're unemployed.

29:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Pick a lane. I'm taking some time for me. You're lazy. You got divorced, honey. Yeah. So 30 minutes and then I cook like, it's like five batches. And then what you do is like you don't do milk, right?

30:04Trixie Mattel:I do soy milk, fresh strawberries, and honey drizzle. Can I tell you what I do? I probably said that a million times.

30:10Katya Zamolodchikova:I think you do a lot of sugar. Well, let me tell you. So I take a big chunk, I put it in the pan. I don't use a microwave anymore because the microwave in my house sounds like, I don't know, like the world is ending.

30:20Trixie Mattel:I also don't want to be a conspiracy theorist.

30:22Katya Zamolodchikova:But in beauty school, they taught us that microwaves kill food.

30:26Trixie Mattel:And I think it might be true.

30:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Microwaves, they don't have them in Europe, I don't think. And I think for good reason. That's why they can drink wine when they're pregnant. I'm just kidding. Oh, my God.

30:36Trixie Mattel:My mother was European.

30:40Trixie Mattel:so wait she didn't drink she smoked weed though oh that's fine actually like gives you people where i'm from they find out they're pregnant around eighth month and they're like they're

30:50Katya Zamolodchikova:like these keg stands are really difficult lately so wait so i i put half and half because i don't have milk in my house just half and half okay you know i think that's okay thank you because

31:02Trixie Mattel:last time you said it was disgusting. I mean, you drinking it, I've seen you almost drink the shit. You were here with that giant jug of dairy coffee. Yeah, those white chocolate mocha. But I think if you as a woman on the edge, when you come in here with a trough of white mocha chocolate frappe caffeine, you know, I'm like, she's

31:23Katya Zamolodchikova:Carbo-loading. What? I love nasty sugary drinks. I think with sober people. They love sugar. Let them have sex and let them have coffee. It's all they have. Mary, the best part of this book called Living Sober is have a milkshake.

31:38Trixie Mattel:Have a milkshake.

31:39Katya Zamolodchikova:That's what I literally say. It's like have a milkshake. So anyways, so you do the, I cook it, heat it up on the stove in the pot with the half and half. Then I put brown sugar, probably too much for you. Brown sugar, walnuts, dried cranberries. If I have fresh fruit, like blackberries, strawberries, a little bit of chia seeds. and Mary that fucking bowl of oatmeal is so goddamn nourishing your body it's like you feel the cells in your body going ah right like thank you you've just been shoveling trash into this furnace for like the last three years I was gonna say

32:14Trixie Mattel:compared to what you do the rest of the day

32:16Katya Zamolodchikova:what does I mean show up here

32:17Trixie Mattel:get Taco Bell go home probably have pizza excuse your mouth yeah that's what I do

32:22Katya Zamolodchikova:that's actually exactly

32:23Trixie Mattel:they didn't give you Taco Bell when you got here I don't think you'd come nope queen

32:28Katya Zamolodchikova:but then wait so the last thing I want to say about the the thingy the hooker so I was so I love that street so much and I went to my old apartment and visited my friend Roman who lives there went inside yeah no we did oh you knew who lived in there yeah he's my friend

32:49Trixie Mattel:oh okay

32:50Katya Zamolodchikova:but the other place I lived on Laurel is for rent again I don't know if you've ever been there You want to go back?

32:58Trixie Mattel:Yes. Honestly, I really like that for you.

33:00Katya Zamolodchikova:It's a return to you. Thank you. Welcome back to me. You saw the garden, right? Inside. The fucking Roman. It is like the most otherworldly courtyard. Oh, I remember this. Otherworldly.

33:16Trixie Mattel:Yeah, I remember this. I had a pool too, right?

33:17Katya Zamolodchikova:No pool.

33:18Trixie Mattel:Oh, wait. I'm thinking of your place that had the studio and the apartment. Yeah, that's on the same street. Are you talking about the place with the big stairs? where you originally had that expensive bed. Yes. Go there. I love that apartment. Yes. That's a nice apartment.

33:31Katya Zamolodchikova:That's where we heard the scream heard around the world. 17 candles burning on the stairs at once. Remember Birdie screaming at night? The scream. The scream. We decided she was an actress, right? Yes, but she has tasks on. No, yeah, no. That has to be. She did a good job. She did an incredible job. I don't know why we haven't heard that scream in many movies since.

33:49Trixie Mattel:I think when they green light screen movies, actresses should just stand at their windows and scream. And that's how you audition. She was probably a voice actor.

33:56Katya Zamolodchikova:Maybe so. Yeah. Anyways, that place, it's so hidden. It's so like, and it had like a private front yard. Point is the privacy. This is my private front. I have an open backyard. But so that is, it's on the corner of a very busy intersection in West Hollywood. So noisy. Great location. So noisy. You go through that gate, silence.

34:18Trixie Mattel:This is when you had the electric bike.

34:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. That I stupidly left out in the front yard and it was stolen.

34:23Trixie Mattel:There was one here yesterday, electric bike here. Whose is it? There was one here yesterday and I said, whose is this? Probably mine. It looks, they look happy.

34:32Katya Zamolodchikova:Are you fucking kidding me? It's like 70 pounds. It's like 70 pounds.

34:36Trixie Mattel:I have no desire to be on a motorcycle.

34:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Mama, I almost hit somebody on, um, I didn't almost hit somebody. I wanted to. Yeah. Coenca Pass, our favorite little thing. This guy on a bike, not in a bike lane, cause there's no, no bike lane. if the you know there's one lane people are flying down he's in the middle of the road good for him yeah I thought great what could possibly go wrong with that yeah it's

35:00Trixie Mattel:I love biking but Los Angeles is a tough place to bike

35:04Katya Zamolodchikova:there are places where you absolutely can do it because the city has gone to the effort of carving out bike lanes yeah which people still ignore but whatever

35:11Trixie Mattel:I would say it's like Santa Monica Boulevard has a bike lane it absolutely does that's a great street to bike but it's almost like and it's also pretty flat What you can do on Google Maps is you can select any directions here and I'm on a bike and it will send you on the streets with bike lanes or the slower streets.

35:29Katya Zamolodchikova:You should just go down to go down to the beach, get the electric bike, put on Lana Del Rey and your headphones and just do the whole little strip from Manhattan Beach to Redondo to fucking Palos Verdes. Right. New Lana song. I haven't heard it yet. White tail deer hawk hunt or something like that. What is it called? White. White deer tilt. Whatever. It's just called white. No, it's pretty. It's more witchy. White feather hawk tail deer hunter. I'm going to listen to it. I haven't listened to it. The cover art is, it gives so, she's antagonistic with her cover art choices and I love it. It gives like, I don't even know what.

36:07Katya Zamolodchikova:It's like. My favorite was Lost for Life. Oh. She looks so beautiful in that cover. She looks, I think she looks beautiful in everything. but like she you know she's taken some artistic turns that I found fascinating I don't necessarily love but

36:27Katya Zamolodchikova:This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp Hi, it's me Katya I'm a drag queen which means I may not be a woman but I play one on TV Over the years I've learned a lot from the women in my life about strength, humor, and carrying way more on their shoulders than anyone really notices I think about my mom who somehow managed work, family, and everyone's karate schedules while insisting she was fine. She wasn't asking for praise. She just kept going. A lot of women do. March includes International Women's Day, and it's a good moment to pause and really see how much women hold every day, at work, in relationships, in families, and in all the roles they juggle.

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37:36Katya Zamolodchikova:This month, celebrate a woman you love, and if you're caring a lot yourself, remember you matter too. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash bald. That's betterhelp.com slash bald. This episode is sponsored by Warby Parker. As the treasurer for the Southern California Council of Eyeglass Aesthetics, I have long maintained that glasses are among the very first things people register when they look at you. They live on your face every single day, which means the decision about what glasses to wear is by no means trivial.

38:10Katya Zamolodchikova:Hence, it remains baffling that buying glasses has so often felt like being asked to divine your own reflection to the world from a simple glance in the mirror in a silent prayer to the gods of hotness. I say this as someone who spent an unholy portion of my life as a disgusting, glassless goblin. Not a cute goblin. Not a whimsical goblin who collects mushrooms and read poetry. No, I'm talking about a bridge-adjacent creature of dark, soulless vibes, ostracized by society like Frankenstein's monster. People did not so much stare at me as politely avert their gaze, as though I were a tragic fresco that had begun to peel.

38:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Then Warby Parker arrived, and with it, the possibility of being perceived as a real human person again. Their virtual try-ons is quite genuinely a revelation. You point your camera and suddenly, in real time, you can see frames on your face immediately, convincingly, without the usual guessing game. With Warby Parker, it is shockingly accurate. It's not, maybe this is fine, it is, oh, there I am. I personally landed on the Durand and Crystal, a choice that turned my countenance from cellar-dwelling misfortune into devastatingly delicious. Compliments followed with suspicious speed. People assume they cost far more than they do because the materials feel premium and the details actually matter.

39:23Katya Zamolodchikova:They also have everything you need for happier eyes, including contacts, online eye exams, and sunglasses all in one place. Plus, they have over 300 retail stores across the U.S., which is comforting if you ever want the in-person option. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15 % off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com slash bald. That's 15 % off when you buy two pairs of glasses at w-a-r-b-y parker.com slash bald. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them.

39:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Why have I asked my HVAC guy I found on Angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts. I knew I could trust him to change Pop-Pop's tube while I was on vacation. Make it quick, young man. Aw, see? Pop-Pop trusts you. Uh, I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home projects at Angie.com. Anyways. Labrador.

40:36Trixie Mattel:Oh, yeah. Okay. I get a text from you a few nights ago saying, I got tickets to Labrador. I thought it meant in the future sometime. Yeah.

40:44Katya Zamolodchikova:Mary, so.

40:45Trixie Mattel:It was that day?

40:46Katya Zamolodchikova:It was so, yeah. And I had, it was a bummer because we had to go, Fien and I had to go fly out at seven in the morning flight. To wake up at 4.45 a.m.

41:02Trixie Mattel:you gotta go and that was my fault because I go the day before now you had a show to go to but now I splurge I spend my own money and just go the day before no no no

41:12Katya Zamolodchikova:it's non-negotiable I have to go the day before have to go the day before but I couldn't miss the Lubbada concert I get it you know what I mean and last one was so good baby she pulled some there was some tomfoolery at this show what happened so how did you get the ticket so I purchased it online she still ain't sending you a ticket I guess it's because you're kind of her biggest critic too. No, no. She doesn't know who I am. She has no idea who I am. But Michi, my friend, I went with her. She bought the tickets. We go. And we went last time. As soon as we get to the front door, not even inside, Mel from Avalon is like, Katya?

41:43Katya Zamolodchikova:I was like, yeah. She was like, oh, come on. We're going to go to VIP. And I was like, I was like trying to hide the brick, the huge brick in my pants. Because you shit? No, I should be four. I got rid of that. Oh, a boner. Okay. And I was like, oh. So she took us up to the side. It was just amazing. But then halfway or two, three songs later, she came back up. She's like, you guys, we got to, sorry, we have to leave. She got us to a better spot, front and center VIP with our own food and everything and seating a banquet. What? This is amazing. It was amazing.

42:17Trixie Mattel:Compared to the time you saw her in Florida

42:18Katya Zamolodchikova:and you were like. Mama! Where I paid foolishly, stupidly splurged for like three other people, three of my friends. I think I paid five grand. Right. For shit ass seats, a horrible show in the worst place on earth. Yeah. It wasn't even in Miami. It was horrible. But she did something with her costume changes that would befuddle and perplex you. In a good way? In a strange way.

42:43Trixie Mattel:So you know how it's okay. A drag queen, for example. She loves to keep you guessing. And she does listen to this. She goes, that bitch didn't like my big suit. I'm going to show her some weird shit. Oh, baby.

42:50Katya Zamolodchikova:Baby.

42:51Trixie Mattel:The suit got bigger.

42:55Okay.

42:56Katya Zamolodchikova:So if you play the concert in reverse, it makes sense. So she would come out in like a little crystal something. But then she would put on something else and then put on something else. What? It's like she was getting ready to go skiing. She's getting colder? I was like, what the hell is going on? Like I'm so fit that I get cold up here? I have no idea. she did, by the way, the only part I did to film, of course, I know it's stupid to film concerts. You never watch the footage, whatever. I would have rewatched the, and it'll be available sometime, but one of my favorite songs that she did this, she's had, we have a similar moving vocabulary.

43:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Right. Wiggle, wiggle, ding, ding, ding. But when she, she did this, like, she did this number. Let's see it.

43:43Trixie Mattel:Stand up. She goes like, this is a good reminder. You guys should watch the pod on the YouTube. Oh my God. it was kind of like that. It was kind of funny. And it was kind of a gypsy rose kind of dance. Have you seen these videos? No. Well, I'm a longtime supporter. Well, I'm a longtime follower of hers.

44:07Katya Zamolodchikova:Is that the one I killed my mom and I don't care? No, she cares. no.

44:11Trixie Mattel:Okay. Is that Jeanette McCurdy? That's Jeanette McCurdy. That's, I don't care. My mom, I don't care. My mom's dead. Oh, right. Sorry. That's not her. Sorry. Her book is called like Into the Light or Survivor's Journey or something. But I did read Gypsy's book. Okay.

44:25Katya Zamolodchikova:The book is called My Time to Stand. My Time to Stand.

44:28Trixie Mattel:So it's, I have a signed copy. Not, sorry, not to like flex, but. People are going to stop listening now. A signed copy. But she, because of, I think something about the case, a lot of the video files from when it happened are public now. Something about, something of Information Act or whatever, Freedom of Information. Okay. so all these files video files that gypsy had sent to her co-defendant like who she tiktok dancing in court no she's not dancing in court but the videos that were played in court are like her and wigs doing characters you know she's so abused sort of touch with it's just so wild um but they're calling it the gypstein files i hate that um yeah that's crazy yeah they're called the gypstein files so if you want to watch those you can go on tiktok and watch them I don't know her I don't know how she'd feel about people watching them but it's public information so but I'm saying this because one of the songs she dances to is that song by Fun some nights I play while my life's gonna build whatever and there's a dance she does and they're calling it the gyp hip where she goes like this

45:34Katya Zamolodchikova:mama that was Miss Lovato and so

45:36Trixie Mattel:maybe she's doing the gyp hip

45:37Katya Zamolodchikova:she was doing that and a whole lot more from the Gypstein files but so she Mary we thought that's what it I didn't make it up So she, the outfit, first of all, I, she loves a designer moment. She loves to get it. I like, I think, you know, designers reach out to her, her team, to them, whatever happens. She came out in scaparelli. No. Cool. It was scaparelli. Cool. Mary. No, it was a brown suit. It was a brown suit. So it was, I was like, oh, that's a, she got your ass. I was like, she, I mean, her body is tea always. She's so gorgeous. Her fucking wig. I've had it. I want it again. I don't, it's like a long, like a long, like page boy bob with a root.

46:17Katya Zamolodchikova:It's just, it is a wig, but it's so beautiful. But this brown suit, it's like a two piece with a visible panty. That's kind of kind of, but her at every moment, her four backup dancers were in sparkle, sparkle, sparkle, visually outshining her at every turn. It's a matte brown suit. Baby. It's like, uh, I have Mr. Hankey vibes. It's, it's leggings. that have this weird flap on the front and then it's like skin tight, but then it has like two little bows with some cutouts, black bows. You think she got like the Nordstrom Rack Schiaparelli?

46:54Trixie Mattel:It's totally, it's the look from - The Nordstrom Rackarelli.

46:58Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, yeah. I was like so perplexed. I was like, oh, that's interesting. What do you want her to wear in your ideal world? Okay, so for this, for example, same outfit, solid stones. Because she had a rhinestone pimp cane. solid stones because guess what her dancers were wearing stones does she want them to be the spectacle

47:22Trixie Mattel:wait wait

47:22Katya Zamolodchikova:it was like song song song Michi and I were joking about it and then someone comes out with a green latex trench coat and puts it on her what? exactly what color green? puke? pea soup? oh really like a not an emerald it was like a it was like a sage-ish kind of green it was a what I know she looked like a green army man it was crazy and then so she did and then another a raincoat exactly

47:55Trixie Mattel:a raincoat

47:56Katya Zamolodchikova:just in case it started raining on stage I don't know and then she did this crazy thing where like she would do she came out in this pretty beautiful like bodysuit that had all this like rhinestone fringe I was like great she puts a jacket on over it. What? And then a coat. And then a stole of fur. Was she trying to sneak snacks into the movies? Like, what is she doing? But if you had played it in reverse, it would have been like, ah, ooh, ah, ah. You know what I mean? Instead it was like, ah, huh, huh, huh? You know what I mean? It was so strange. So by the end of it, she's just pushing a shopping cart of clothing?

48:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Or like, what is she doing? And then the end, there's a lot that happened in the middle. Mary, this is unforgivable. But you love the music? Well, the set list was okay. But when she did her global hit, the one that everybody knows who knows her, it's called Your Eyes. And it's like a huge hit for her. The visuals was an AI ape. What? It was an AI gorilla. An AI slop video. It looked like AI. No, it was. Giant screen. And the crazy thing is that a song previous was this, like she does this little snake number. And they had an intro video while she was changing into her next trench coat or whatever.

49:11Katya Zamolodchikova:And it was her naked with this huge ball python. It was one of the sexiest interstitial videos I've ever seen in my life. And then when she comes on for the number, it's clip art cobras. Clip art cobras that we saw in Miami.

49:27Trixie Mattel:I mean, visuals are expensive. I get it. No, they're not. No, I'm not excusing it. I'm saying, why doesn't she have the better visuals? I'm trying to think. They're expensive.

49:36Katya Zamolodchikova:But meet me in the middle. because that like you remember Beyonce's fucking Beyonce's visuals were like Oscar winning.

49:44Trixie Mattel:Mary, they don't even have to all be that expensive. No, no, no. They don't. Good can be inexpensive.

49:51Katya Zamolodchikova:Absolutely. Creative means you can do anything with anything.

49:54Trixie Mattel:Mary, Nick and I were in the studio yesterday. We're working on visuals for Super Disco right now. The show that's going to come to all the music festivals this year. Yeah. But one of the parts I want to give it away was I was like, well, we can't afford XYZ XYZ but we need some way for the mothership in the show to talk to the audience. I need lips and I need my lips saying these phrases. So we painted huge, tricksy lips, bigger than usual, really dark lip liner, really light highlight, painted the rest of my face and neck green. And we shot in front of a green screen to make floating lips cost$0.

50:27Trixie Mattel:I'm not saying she has to do that, but I'm saying sometimes limitation is the mother of Mary. She did that in her.

50:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Look at that. If you look up her video for boom, boom. That's exactly what she did. And it was amazing.

50:38Trixie Mattel:That's beautiful. But I'm just saying, yeah, sometimes it's a recession. Sometimes you got it as an artist. Look at you guys. This is for next year's show. I mean, look at that. Yeah. Imagine my face painted green.

50:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Literally. I mean, that's, she has done that in her video. I did that in ding dong. She could have just used the video because that she did that in the show too. She used clips from her music videos.

50:58Trixie Mattel:Yeah.

50:59Katya Zamolodchikova:And it was like, I was at the, at the end of the show, I was like, Mary, this is unforgivable.

51:03Trixie Mattel:Well, again, I wasn't there. I trust you because of anybody. You're like an above, above average supporter of her. I knew every single fucking lyric. Everyone. So if a fan like you is going in, look at it. Give me that. Mama, this is what we need to be showing.

51:19Katya Zamolodchikova:That is your Sniffy's ad.

51:21Trixie Mattel:I need Lava to get into this.

51:22Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Okay. Svetlana, are you watching this? No. Why can't this be you? Why can't this be you? I mean, the funny thing is that is the size of her lips.

51:32Katya Zamolodchikova:no I'm serious

51:33Trixie Mattel:no I know I that was well shows cost money to make they shot cost money to do I'm not making excuses I'm just saying there's ways to make the right decisions about what can be cheap and look good yeah but see Beyonce doesn't have to worry about what's cheap

51:51Katya Zamolodchikova:no but I don't think she does either I mean she's not making a ton of money on this tour I don't think you know it was at the Avalon and it was an interesting and crowd. There was a lot of, what I noticed is these douchey looking guys facing away from the stage the entire time.

52:07Trixie Mattel:Yeah.

52:07Katya Zamolodchikova:I was probably like, you know, they were dragged there by their wives or girlfriends or something.

52:11Trixie Mattel:Or it's more like a party. I hate that. When I did Coachella, there was lots of people. They're in a circle of a group. They're not really looking at me. I guess it's also, that is actually a party.

52:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Compared to a concert. And there's so many other things going on. Yeah. But in any case, there was, yeah but it was and I don't want to be mean but I think she was very very tired because I think she had a brutal schedule so at the end it's funny like her background her four dancers were cunt those whores were cunt like snatched up ponytails their choreo was crisp and lovely their outfits were amazing and for the last bit she comes out they come out in this red sequin like they just look sexy shiny she comes out and like I looked it up I think it's Vivian Westwood a red velvet kind of negligee thing with a hip detail that made her look like a fupa no sparkle what I know and I'm like dude I wish she would let you direct her costumes so she's very hit or miss like there's some performances I've seen of her where I'm like I would kill all of you in this room just to look like that and be able to wear it you know other times I'm like Mary like the yellow suit there's also Also on her Instagram, I saw that she had a beige bell-bottom jumpsuit with a smattering of brownstones on it.

53:33Katya Zamolodchikova:And I was like, if she wears that, I'm going to unalive myself tonight. Right. She did not. But it was a little underwhelming. She usually does this encore where the ending song is called It's Time to Go Home. And it has a great remix. It makes sense. It's time to go home. The encore was so lifeless and low energy. I just felt bad.

53:56Trixie Mattel:Yeah. And I'm just saying. I don't want to be a hater. I am a hater. But I'm saying you're such a supporter of her. If anything, you're going in ready to eat dog shit if you have to. Yeah.

54:08Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm not. You're not going to be a hater. No. Right. I'm literally. That's how I am too. The only thing I was a little subconscious about was standing up and dancing and screaming all the lyrics. And I didn't want to obstruct anybody's view. You know what I mean? But like, I just, yeah, I was like, wow, this is really, it was interesting. And sometimes like the AI thing really, I really fucking hated that. Yeah. Because other numbers, she didn't have any visuals. It was just like, just her, no dancers. Just do nothing. You know? Yeah, just do nothing. And I think her voice over the course of the evening was, like, I think she was losing it.

54:44Katya Zamolodchikova:At least she was singing. Oh, and I think she sounded great. And I know that there's like three types of, usually in Russian concerts, there's three types of things like full lip syncing. I forget what they're called. You probably know. It's like, I Googled it because there's a, and they have these giant shows in Russia, huge, crazy pop shows. And like typically they would just lip sync album tracks or they would pipe it in for the broadcast. And people were like, no, no, no, no. But like, there's just too much that can go wrong. Yeah. You know, in a show like that.

55:16Trixie Mattel:I'm fine with pretty much zero singing. I don't care. Make it all fake. I don't care.

55:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Thank you.

55:21Trixie Mattel:I want her to look her best. Especially if it's a girl. I'm like, let her do it.

55:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, baby. If they're dancing, if they're dancing, are you nuts? Yeah. Yeah. The shoe, shoe with these black, yeah, it has some styling. People hate women.

55:35Trixie Mattel:Like you do right now.

55:36Katya Zamolodchikova:I do.

55:37Trixie Mattel:I keep seeing these clips of Jennifer Lopez in Vegas and the comments are like, should she really be dancing like this at 50? I was like, what the, I said it to Tracy. I was like, what the fuck?

55:46Katya Zamolodchikova:That's crazy. You know what?

55:47Trixie Mattel:People are crazy.

55:47Katya Zamolodchikova:She should be dancing, but not with that choreo. I want to talk. I don't know who her choreographer is.

55:53Trixie Mattel:I think she goes to the same hairographer as Plastique. Because they both have bundles blowing in the wind. Mama, the bundles.

56:00Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, there was a few moments where she really let loose with the hair, Miss Lebeda. And I was just like, I was like, yeah, get it, mama. And it was like, oh, the song. when she did break it down she really broke it down but when she didn't break it down

56:19Trixie Mattel:it was broke down it was tore down you've seen her three times that's great

56:27Katya Zamolodchikova:second time was transcendent this time was I think I maybe had unrealistic expectations but I certainly didn't expect to go to VIP that's great

56:36Trixie Mattel:you're a world famous person who is desperately in support of this woman's art it's nice that they recognized you

56:44Katya Zamolodchikova:she didn't but Mel from Avalon did

56:46Trixie Mattel:but now if you go to a fucking show and you don't get that treatment you're gonna feel

56:50Katya Zamolodchikova:like that's why I got Miss Mel's number baby anytime I'm at the Avalon I gotta send her some stuff today actually she wanted a signed copy of her book will you sign it for her yeah I'll do whatever she's so beautiful so nice anything to get you closer

57:02Trixie Mattel:to the stage for the shows that you may or may not like thank you so that I can complain about it that'd be more critical

57:09Katya Zamolodchikova:one last thing they had the crowd was so crazy they've never seen so many women with the most healthy long thick bone straight not one extension in their just Russian bundles real bundles blonde dark whatever it's all straight people right is there a gay following for her yes but it's you know gay and you know Russian gay is a little

57:36Trixie Mattel:but I mean are a lot of the people who go to her concert here in the states have to be they have dissent Russian descent everybody spoke Russian I think

57:45Katya Zamolodchikova:nobody knew who I was let's just put it that way love that yeah because like Russian people don't give a fuck about me but like there's um it was everybody speaking Russian or Ukrainian and um the girls married the girls were so hot so many hot girls so many hot girls so many ugly guys yeah so many ugly fucking nasty looking guys

58:04Trixie Mattel:that's LA though yeah do we want to read some reviews oh my god we have some great reviews we do I forgot about that. It will do two each. How about that girl?

58:12Katya Zamolodchikova:What do you think? Is it okay if I walk around in my little come hither negligees in my home and people see me?

58:21Trixie Mattel:Who are the people?

58:22Katya Zamolodchikova:The helicopters.

58:26Trixie Mattel:You have no makeup or wigs on? No. I'm not crazy. But doesn't that go against your rule of people seeing you? Isn't the whole point is that you have your secret costumes? That's a really fair point. Thank you. okay Scott with seven t's Scott best podcast oh I get it I don't do you remember the episode where I was like Scott the sound guy you gonna fuck me Scott oh I remember that it's just from Ashley Rusinek best podcast ever makes me deliriously happy every time a new episode drops lost in Scott's eyes is the best episode that I listen to whenever I really need to laugh high bald still jobless

59:06Katya Zamolodchikova:oh that's fierce okay okay let's see um from 3am dancing to 3am something um this podcast gives me life especially when i listen to the ads i wish you guys would talk less and it would just all be ads i love the ad so much i get so hard and bricked up when i hear the ads would you please talk less and just do more ads thank you this probably came from squarespace this came from an ad but this came

59:28Trixie Mattel:one of the ad companies yeah better helps like we just want more ads from quince rackettin more ads

59:38Katya Zamolodchikova:it's a human sunshine um you guys are so fat i love hearing how i wish like honestly your voices sound like you're huge have you getting weight i love the mouth breathing i love yeah what's with your skin i've always said challenging skin god love the pond real you two make my week love hearing all the laughter and friendship. It's like being there, capital, in the room. I have to see you live now. Blah, blah, blah.

1:00:10Trixie Mattel:Just kidding. It's all lovely things. Best podcast from Ketchum06. Love these two individuals and as friends. They make me cackle with delight. I'm writing this review from the Trixie Motel. Hey! Big fan. Huge, it says. I love that. Well, thank you guys very much. Yep. And Amy Poehler, we're coming for you. Amy, we're coming for you. We're getting more lights. we're getting the same guests as you but they're going to be completely topless

1:00:35Katya Zamolodchikova:yes and they're going to say what time they like to go to bed what they like to eat and on next episode I'm going to give you the Colbert questionnaire

1:00:44Trixie Mattel:stay happy topless bye

1:00:50Katya Zamolodchikova:I love that stay happy topless

1:01:30Katya Zamolodchikova:We'll see you next time. They're designed to keep you going without slowing you down. So put that fork down. Try the new wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com. Available at participating locations only.