"You Smell Like Hospital" with Trixie and Katya

6:38Trixie Mattel:The diapy.

6:40Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, shit, girl. Shit. She's got a little puss going on. P-U-S-S. She's got a little puss. Not puss, puss. Do you think you'll get a cover up, a tattoo or something?

6:48Trixie Mattel:Uh,

6:49Katya Zamolodchikova:no.

6:50Trixie Mattel:Okay. Okay. Let's take a break then. That's enough. Just to know. So at what point does the sickness escalate to like, what's going on?

6:58Katya Zamolodchikova:So I'm not a puker. Well, I am. Well, no, that's, I'm sorry. I lied. When I puke, I don't go like, you know how.

7:05Trixie Mattel:When I close my eyes, I can't see. Something crazy about me is I hate puking. Oh, is that from Rory Michelle? Oh my God. I hate puking. Oh my God. Me too.

7:14Katya Zamolodchikova:You'll never believe this. And this is crazy. And I'm going to say this to both all the cameras, all these cameras. The second something touches my lips. I can taste it.

7:23Trixie Mattel:Right, exactly.

7:23Katya Zamolodchikova:I can taste it. No, no. It was like hot ice cream. So I, late Sunday night, I can't sleep. And then Monday morning, I'm horrible. I feel terrible. I've not, like, I just sleepless night. And I'm feeling like, I feel like nauseous. So what do I do? I wiggle to the little freezer box and I get an Outschime bar. Not sponsored.

7:44Trixie Mattel:However, that, but that is up there with like Tylenol PM. I think they use it in hospitals. I will say when I've been nauseous, the cold, something about it is grounding.

7:53Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes, it's cold. Well, I mean, it's like literally there's inflammation. It feels like sometimes you feel like your stomach's on fire. You want something relatively clear or like maybe a glass of water. Yeah. But you're hungry though. So like the sugar is like, anyways, puke it up immediately. Oh my God. And so, and then I noticed that like, I noticed I feel like, I feel like, so I haven't eaten anything, but I feel like bloated. I never, I don't, shut your mouth. I know I've never been bloated my entire life. Right.

8:20Trixie Mattel:But I'm wondering, based on how you normally look, what does it take for us to know that you're bloated at all? You know what I mean? Because normally, you look like an unraveling ball of yarn.

8:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Normally, people are like, how many weeks? Right. Well, not sorry, how many months? Right. Wasn't the baby due last year? Yeah. People coming up to me in the supermarket. You're pregnant. Does that make sense? Like, triplets? Right. No, no. So, so then all of Monday I'm puking and that's when I think we had the pot on Tuesday or Wednesday and I was like at Tuesday. So it's still no sleep, which is like, Oh God. And also I couldn't, the stomach started to distend and I was like, Oh, this is fucking weird. Can't keep anything down. No shitting either. Never occurred to me to like think about, think maybe RuPaul coffee.

9:09Katya Zamolodchikova:And I'm like, no, no, no.

9:10Trixie Mattel:Like if there's nothing going in and nothing going out, what's going on?

9:13Katya Zamolodchikova:So what's the tea? Yeah. It's stop that train. Well, the train is gone. or whatever.

9:18Trixie Mattel:Stop that digestive process.

9:20Katya Zamolodchikova:So the digestive process was, um, was interrupted. Um, now I know what you're thinking, but you're so beautiful. How could that happen? Well, drugs, but, um, we'll get to that later. So the, so it kept going on. I was eating nothing but outshine bars and I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand and I couldn't lay down. So I know what you're saying. Well, why wouldn't you? Right.

9:41Trixie Mattel:Did you kind of do like an exorcism look like levitation.

9:44Katya Zamolodchikova:I tried. Lee Cronin already did that. Evil Dead Rise.

9:46Trixie Mattel:Why don't you go downstairs and get in your red light bath or your, um. My cryo tank. No, why don't you get in your ozone therapy, your hydrobaric chamber. Why didn't I just open my moon app? The Calm app. Boot up the

9:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Harry Styles moon. It's too horny. Lee Cronin's moon app. Lee Cronin's bricked up. No, I opened my moon tracker, of course. Right. I didn't, you know, WebMD, what? What? What's LA? That is our WebMD. Thank you. Thank you. And it's also our New York Times. God rest their souls. My lap core? Tarot. Those are my test results. Yeah. My CS link to cedarsinai.org. Tarot cards. Tarot cards. Absolutely. Oracle cards.

10:27Trixie Mattel:Hello. We're going to go down to Cedars and have them pull my cards. Dr. Matthew Bloom? No. I'm calling my Psyche was Pamian Salami. Yeah. They open up your intestines. They say, you swallowed a tiger's eye. Oh my God. We need rose quartz sat. Get the rose quartz in here. Keep it tight. Clear.

10:46Katya Zamolodchikova:We've got amethyst IVs. We got everything. So you can't even drive. Would you Uber to the hospital? So I'm going to be vulnerable. It's Diane Sawyer. You can ask me point blank. Do you smoke crack? And I'll say, no, I free base. Right. So without being TMI, I was like, I was with a shady friend. You know what I mean? Somebody's up to no good, but he's at my house. And in this moment, rare moment, I know this is going to sound to Lulu, but I'm, I got my moon tracker out. Um, he, I was like, I'm really worried about this. I, you can see, I mean, he's like, he came in and this person is not, let's just say they're not a paragon of mental or physical health.

11:21Trixie Mattel:I think I know who this is without knowing them.

11:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Without knowing.

11:24Trixie Mattel:You think I haven't heard about this person? Oh baby. She knows the lore.

11:28Katya Zamolodchikova:She knows the lore. Stay tuned for the Patreon. I'll get my information on the street.

11:31Trixie Mattel:This is one. I saw it on your sub stack. This is deep behind the paywall. I saw it on your sub stack. Lee Cronin's the sub stack.

11:36Katya Zamolodchikova:Lee Cronin's the paywall. represented by push by sapphire. And that will be behind a paywall. Yeah, and you can't push it by sapphire. You got a paywall. There was sapphire stuck in you that you couldn't push out. Okay, you wish you could push by sapphire. Hematite. Anyways, well, my colon was so hematite, I couldn't pass my amethyst. Those are kidney rhinestones. A, B. Crystal A, B. Well, Crystal. Okay.

12:02Gross, hey, again, gross, hey, again.

12:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, no. So he in this moment, And so I am in a very dark place, mentally, physically, spiritually. And is he witnessing is that he's like,

12:11Trixie Mattel:is he like, Oh girl, you're good. Or is he like, I don't know. You've seen Mad Max Fury Road when they're like, witness me. Shirley's with the arm chopped off. Yeah. Have I seen it? My Nikki fan.

12:23Katya Zamolodchikova:That movie was crazy. Girl, high octane thriller. Right. Just like, I'm like, I'm like this. I'm like with that pressure pulse. Yeah. Pulse through the roof. Pulse through the roof. Where's the IV tower. Crazy. Anyway. So he's, He's basically, you know, he's doing a dose in the kitchen saying, and I'm like, witness me. Right. And I'm like, sorry, I'm just keeping it real. Y 'all can't handle it.

12:47Trixie Mattel:I don't think this is a story that's going to, I don't think this is a story that promotes drug use. I think this is a story that promotes drug use. You should go to high schools and do this in the DARE program.

12:56Katya Zamolodchikova:I know. You know, funny. I've already told this story before, but it is worth a retell. So that very thing, I'll never forget at the high school auditorium, I was in eighth or ninth grade. This guy came in and did that exact thing. And this is the image that has stuck with me since 1997. Blowing snot rockets of nasal tissue from his caved in eroded septum into the shower and having to push them down the drain with his big toe. Catch that, T.

13:22Trixie Mattel:That's fierce, girl. It's fierce.

13:23Katya Zamolodchikova:So basically that's happening to me.

13:25Trixie Mattel:Cheaper than a nose job, though. If you do enough blow, you can look like Latoya.

13:27Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. And also you can skip the bill from Dr.

13:29Trixie Mattel:Goldstein.

13:29Katya Zamolodchikova:Hello. Thank you. Do you want to go pay for the light switch? It's like I'm saving money. Right. Right. So anyways, so then it's Tuesday, I think. Maybe I was like, I think it was Tuesday. It was Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday. And I said, I've been vomiting and you're like, you had been sick as well. So I was like, oh, solidarity. But then I also look down and I'm nine months pregnant.

13:48Trixie Mattel:I thought I got you sick. No.

13:50Katya Zamolodchikova:And that's why I was like, oh, she's sick. Well, we had made love that Friday. Right. Intensely. I mean, usually I go for what? Well, our way of making love. Yeah.

13:58Trixie Mattel:Is having hot. It's a blood transfusion. And that's his, that's love. he's in it he's in it did you know if you have a tooth fallout you can put it in milk and they can put it back in your head I do

14:08Katya Zamolodchikova:because I watched I Care A Lot and so did you

14:12Trixie Mattel:oh they do that in that movie

14:13Katya Zamolodchikova:yeah she goes into the fucking community store and she buys milk what is she doing buying milk I can't believe that that feels crazy it's probably also patently untrue but let's ask DMDs drop a like in the comments or whatever the fuck comment below yeah comment below not if you're not a dentist I'll ask Dr. Sun yeah I'll ask Dr. Moon

14:50Katya Zamolodchikova:We'll see you next time.

15:02Trixie Mattel:six months or$180 for 12 month plan required$15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy see terms anyways

15:09Katya Zamolodchikova:uh so then i so i'm nine months pregnant i haven't eaten anything i also haven't slept now i've been on i've been on um i did take half a benzo to try to go to bed because i was i'm kind of freaking out because i know that if i at this point even when i'm doing like these days well whatever i I know that if you do anything, any bad behavior, you can't afford to lose a night's sleep. Right. Because for me, with my history at my age, one night's lost sleep means psychosis immediately. Right. So the next day it's getting, I'm swollen to my abdomen. I look, no joke, I look like eight to nine months pregnant.

15:49Katya Zamolodchikova:And it's hard. Oh my God. It's like hard as a rock. And I'm like, this is not good. And my friend is like, oh yeah, you. I was like, I think I need to go to the urgent care. And so I get in an Uber. I waddle like Oswald Cobblepot. No offense to him. I mean, I'm five nine. So it's not exactly, it's not that fierce. And I'm not wearing the patent leather flipper gloves, but I am waddling like, and like, I mean, like he's, you know, when he's going, when he just gets out of the way.

16:19Trixie Mattel:Like Kennedy Divingport with her pads on.

16:21Katya Zamolodchikova:That like. I'm walking away from the main stage and I'm in the workroom and I'm through it. I'm in the bottom. I know I got a lip sync, but I'm tired and I got to get in this Uber. Of course, it's a Cadillac with this Russian guy. And he's looking at me through the rear mirror. Cause I'm literally like, cause I'm like, no, you're doing Lamaze. Oh no, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't even breathe. I was like this. I was like,

16:44Trixie Mattel:that's fierce girl.

16:45Katya Zamolodchikova:And I was like, what's going to happen. Um, but I, death would have happened, right? Death to all of them. Well, yes. So, but so, so I had the good sense though. And thank God I was like, let me go try. I was like, I'm going to the urgent care smelling like the cat's ass. So I get in, I, I, I try to get in the shower. I waddle upstairs and I take a SHIT. Okay. I take a good old SHIT cause it's, and it comes out like trap door diarrhea. You know what I'm talking about? When a trap door opens and then diarrhea comes out. When one door, when God closes one door, another one opens. Yeah. And then you hope you get it in just one flush.

17:18Katya Zamolodchikova:That was a two flush.

17:19Trixie Mattel:Can I tell you, I want to tell you that when all of this played out and I. You thought it was faking it. No, no, no. when I told my boyfriend what was going on wait you have a boyfriend? I said I guess you're having abdominal obstruction and he goes did she fall asleep with one of those metal butt plugs in again and I said I don't know it would only have been that simple what if you'd gotten to the hospital distended and they said we found a huge metal butt plug in your butt

17:47Katya Zamolodchikova:that's all that would be fierce because I know somebody and you might know somebody and that's all I'm going to say about that right now and we'll continue that after we record because they went to the hospital with something much larger and much more difficult to extract than a stainless steel jeweled butt plug that has a little handle that you just go at least that's made for it to go up there a claw machine could have got that out with no blindfolded so anyways, oh Mary, if I had gone into the shower and I've been so out of my mind which is very possible, not looking at the moon tracker and I go and I try to do a turd and it's clang, clang, clang with the large metal butt plug, my stomach would have gone, and I'd be like, is that K-Moss in the mirror?

18:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Right. My name is Bella Hadid.

18:33Trixie Mattel:That was you after going poop.

18:34Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm called Demna Eguchi. I'm like, I'll do the show tonight. And the poop was diarrhea. It was like a trapdoor diarrhea, yeah. It was disgusting. It was gamey. You know, it was a real evil kind of smell. It was like Evil Dead Rise, Lee Cronin's. Right. It was Lee Cronin's, the last spell. It was the shit from like a troll under a bridge. It was the last shit for me. shit the last dance for me whatever you want to do. But this was at the hospital or before you left for the hospital? No this was before I left to the urgent care. I hadn't showered in two days. I was smelling like the cat's ass. So I take that again for the people on the 405 I wanted to describe it.

19:05Katya Zamolodchikova:I took the trapdoor diarrhea shit. I get in the shower. I try to like I'd use this lovely molten brown. Oh no pun intended. A loofah? Yeah loofah. Oh nice.

19:17Trixie Mattel:That's nice. And those are good for kind of exfoliating. Plus you never know you're single. A doctor? A doctor. What if one thing leads to another?

19:25Katya Zamolodchikova:What if they're trying to palpate my bony landmarks or, God forbid, digitally extract my impacted feces and I get turned on? And then I get bricked up. And then I have this tiny but really hard stiff three-inch boner in that nasty little hospital bed while that IV tower just goes beep, beep, beep. And we can't help but just to get it twice.

19:44Trixie Mattel:We'll get to the IV tower because I would say your IV tower was beeping a lot.

19:47Katya Zamolodchikova:Mama, look at this handwritten note I got for you. This is the notebook. This is - Lee Cronin's the notebook. Yeah, this is crazy. I wrote in cursive just like - So I go to the urgent care. So I get in the shower and then I immediately get in. I call an Uber because I can't drive. Literally, my gut is so big, it would push against the steering wheel.

20:06Trixie Mattel:You go to the Cedars that I visit you at, the Beverly Hills Cedars.

20:09Katya Zamolodchikova:I go to Solace. So, okay, so I have two. So when that antler thing fell on my head, sliced me open, I had to make two. I was a fork in the road. That's right. I forgot about that. Hold my hand. Ow! Did your head heal?

20:23Trixie Mattel:Yes. That's good.

20:24Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. Yeah.

20:25Trixie Mattel:That was crazy. Yeah.

20:26Katya Zamolodchikova:So anyways, I go to Solace and because there's a fancy urgent care, you pay a premium for this, a yearly membership. They make you send a prenup. You do a prenup.

20:43Trixie Mattel:You get married. You get engaged every time you go. Is that a cut on your head? Okay, well here's the prenup. Use the prenup. What's your ring size?

20:53Katya Zamolodchikova:You get to choose between a nurse practitioner, a general physician, or a resident.

20:58Trixie Mattel:This is your husband.

21:00Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you love him? Doesn't matter. You're married. Okay. You love who you love.

21:04Trixie Mattel:I don't know how to tell you this. The heart wants what the heart wants. I don't know how to tell you this. That's not your dad. Does that make sense?

21:11Katya Zamolodchikova:So I go to Solace. Love it. Mary's shout out to fucking Solace on Tim and Sunday, baby. Shout out. They're just hoping more bad things happen to you. You're keeping them a business.

21:21Trixie Mattel:Yeah, they're like, I think they roofied me last time. Every six weeks, you walk into traffic or something and they're like, cha-ching, cha-ching. Here she comes.

21:28Katya Zamolodchikova:Ooh, I'm going on vacation with Mark this weekend. You know, they, so I go in there. The great thing about that is that for the hour, well, for the money that you pay every, no, I could walk to the urgent care that's on the corner of Meth Street and Crack Alley where I live, or I could get an Uber that's 15 minutes to 20 minutes to Solace. And the benefit of that is I'm not, this is not, I'm not fucking advertising. I'm just telling you what the tea is. So I go there, I get seen immediately. That's the point. Yeah. Because I could also languish at the urgent care and who fucking knows? Cause I just have a stomach ache.

22:02Katya Zamolodchikova:Do you know what I mean? At this point? Yeah. They're treating people who have head chopped off. No, no, no. Mom, dad, brother, sister, gone. Do you know what I mean? Do you remember when my appendix had to come out?

22:09Trixie Mattel:Yes. I got to the, I landed in, when was that? It was like St. Louis. Was that around Halloween? Yes. It was like St. Louis. Yeah. I landed, went to the hospital about midnight. I wasn't seen until about 5am baby, tell it you really can get stuck waiting and then you're in the waiting room going is this worse? that Wendy Williams clip things could be worse not really this is the worst

22:33Katya Zamolodchikova:the Vernonators clip where she's talking to herself and then her head explodes I can't

22:39Trixie Mattel:what kind of wig am I wearing?

22:41Katya Zamolodchikova:how am I going to act?

22:41Trixie Mattel:am I going to cry? that was you going to the urgent care we're together now what so you get to Solace and luckily

22:47Katya Zamolodchikova:that is your only Solace is that you're at Solace so then but then that's when things really go poopy hits the the fan so Solace they're like so let me try to think this at Solace they they do they do a scan I think it's a CT scan or some kind of imaging they take my credit card and it was like some kind of insurance thing it was not that expensive and I forget why who cares

23:13Trixie Mattel:so they do an image at that point if it was more expensive what's the alternative die well here's can i get it can i get a can can i get a quote on what this is going to cost otherwise i'll just uber home and lay down and die you know that's a joke but that's actually not a joke for

23:29Katya Zamolodchikova:people who are don't have an who don't have as much money as we do do you realize that it was like the first no i'm not i'm not i'm being totally serious i've never been poor thank you for a luminary mat. It's just so... I'm going to strangle you to death. I'm going to strangle you to death. I'm going to see what your copay is.

23:44Trixie Mattel:But thank God you got seen right away too.

23:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, yeah. But I mean, I'm just saying it's like, it occurred to me, although yes, dire straits always, as usual, one percenter. I am like, I know you have a poor history, but you are so far gone. You're so detached. You are so... I'm salt of the earth, mom. And you only make what, 60 % of what I make?

24:01Trixie Mattel:I'm in Brooklyn trying to make men's meat while you're in your crystal castle. While you are having fecal impaction, I am in Brooklyn trying to survive in this economy.

24:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, I'm living it up at Solace Healthcare.

24:12Trixie Mattel:While you're at Solace Healthcare having some FAG digitally extract that hearted geode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

24:17Katya Zamolodchikova:While you're faking an illness at your fancy hospital that's really the Shangri-La four seasons.

24:23Trixie Mattel:She's got an abdominal obstruction. Pull the dick out of your ass and go to work, you faggot.

24:26Katya Zamolodchikova:Pull the dildo out, slap her across the face with it, and tell her to get back to work.

24:30Trixie Mattel:She died. Does that make sense? You're constipated. Does that make sense?

24:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Girl, I need a break.

24:36Trixie Mattel:No, you don't. Let's take a break. No, you don't. No, you don't. You didn't even get to the hospital yet. You're telling this like it's Dune. I need you to make it like. A TikTok. Yes. Okay.

24:49Katya Zamolodchikova:This isn't an epic. It's like. It's like. And then. And then. Hold on. And then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then. And then. And then literally. And then. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And then. Well, and also. Yeah. And then.

25:05Trixie Mattel:Yeah.

25:06Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, let's get there. Okay. So, okay. Oh, I'm sweating. People have already gotten to work. The listeners have already gotten to work. I'm sweating. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, hold on. I need to do a costume reveal. Let's take a break.

25:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Long story short. Too late. So how do we get?

25:22Trixie Mattel:Stuart Fails to Save the Universe is about Stuart Bloom, who ran the comic book shop on The Big Bang Theory and now has to restore reality after he accidentally causes a multiverse Armageddon. On the Stuart Fails to Save the Universe podcast, hear from the creators, cast, and crew as they unpack each episode after it airs on HBO Max. Watch the Stuart Fails to Save the Universe official podcast on HBO Max, YouTube, or listen wherever you get your podcasts. From Salas to the hospital, and at what point do they go like, oh, what was that, James? They're like, oh, queen.

25:55Katya Zamolodchikova:At what point do they go like, oh. Yeah, sick, oh, surgery. So we go from Salas, they do an image. Eston bueno.

26:02Trixie Mattel:They just take an iPhone picture.

26:05Katya Zamolodchikova:They hold their ear up to the belly and they go, we got it. And they're like, ultrasound, they're twins. Yeah. You, your pussy is teeny, but you're, and so they take me, so we go, they got to get an ambulance.

26:20Trixie Mattel:I've never been in an ambulance.

26:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Neither have I. What was it like? Horrible. Oh no, it was great. The guy was from Australia. But what's your, we had like, we had a great time and he was from, some place that we'd never been, but we had to go. That's not true. We've been everywhere in Australia. No, no, we didn't go to Canberra. No, we've been to Canberra. Where did we go? When we were on TNK Live, where did we not go? Because we'd meant to go, but the bus hadn't gone there. Wall and Gaul. No, we've been there. No, remember? We had to go somewhere, but there's a detour or something happening, and we weren't able to make that show.

26:52Katya Zamolodchikova:You remember? Oh, I remember that. What was that place called? I do forget what it was. Exactly. But we were meant to go there, and we didn't go, and that's where he's from.

26:58Trixie Mattel:Oh. So what is your disposition at this point? Are you getting more concerned? I was scared.

27:03Katya Zamolodchikova:I was frightened. I had a slot in my feet. It was a little weird.

27:06Trixie Mattel:So they do this, they do an imaging and they say like, what do they say they see?

27:11Katya Zamolodchikova:They said there seems to be a significant bowel obstruction. So we're going to send you to - I wish you would have been like, yeah, I take wicked shits. My poop's so big. Makes sense. I was like, Rodney, my upstairs neighbor is in there right now. And he will. We are in a huge fight. Will you give him a message?

27:31Trixie Mattel:It makes a lot of sense because I have not been able to find my Komodo dragon, Leon.

27:39Katya Zamolodchikova:That, that, that, you know, Brett Favre had autographed a football that is mysteriously missing from my apartment right now. Is there a pigskin up there? Oh my God. So I get in an ambulance to go to Cedars. That was like, oh, are you fucking kidding me? It's like 11 o 'clock at night. Right. And I'm like, I hope I can go get home to watch the next episode of Hacks

27:58Trixie Mattel:You think you're going home to watch Oh, I just think I'm going to No, no You know what you're giving? What? You're giving in Titanic once you're getting the lifeboats And she's like, are they going to be arranged by class? You think you're going to Malibu for rejuvenation Is it in order of age? Right, you think you're getting your vaginal rejuvenation I'm just going to get my clip pierced

28:22Katya Zamolodchikova:and they're going to shoot a prehistoric cloud up your pussy they're taking me to Rue's third house and I'm going to get a coffee enema you're getting a red wine colonic coffee enema

28:35Trixie Mattel:major Dickinson's French roast you and Merle getting a Folgers best part of waking up is coffee in your butt

28:46Trixie Mattel:no French black coffee the oil the thick black oil

28:49Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, no, like the Italian Nespresso. Oh, Nespresso. It's a Keurig. That's that mean Nespresso. Sabrina Carpenter, four feet tall. She's getting on an Apple box to like stuff a tube up my ass. She's driving the ambulance. She can't see over that wheel. That's why she has the white boots, to push the pedals. But Madonna won't shut up in the drive. She's got her grill on, giving her directions. Oh my, she won't take the grill out to give directions. She's like, she slaps the phone out for safety, but that won't.

29:22Trixie Mattel:Madonna, do we turn left or right? Madonna goes, do you think I should go back on tour?

29:27Katya Zamolodchikova:She's like, I can't hear you with the grill on. Granny slaps her dead. We all die. Right. Get to the hospital. And that's where the Hara, Hara, H-A-W-R-R-A, the Hara begins. That's where Lee Cronin's the hospital comes in. I go, I get wheeled in on a gurney. of course because what is about to start trauma but are you living or are you like no no it's it's i'm experiencing in real time trauma it's about intestinal trauma it's about medical trauma it's about generational trauma the whole thing is the the beginning of a cascade of trauma does it hurt

30:04Trixie Mattel:though or do you just feel so much like what does it feel like it hurts burning is it well so i've

30:09Katya Zamolodchikova:never experienced bloating i think many of our listeners will have known especially if you're you got the female pipes down there. You get your period or whatever. Endometriosis. Any whole host of like. Gas, Mary, gas. Yeah. Sorry. Screaming. Gas. No, you're right. Yeah. So I'm taking Tom's. Hello, symbiotic plus.

30:27Trixie Mattel:Hello. Catch it. Pre-postbiotic. I take it. I do too. I'm taking the prenatal now.

30:36I miss you so much. I miss you so much.

30:41Trixie Mattel:I do take the prenatal. There's stuff in it I want I don't have to be pregnant I want it I'm entitled to it I want to feel good And you know what? I was taking too many vitamins before You are not Courtney Act Get those three suitcases of vitamins

30:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Out of my kitchen The ritual vitamins

30:59Trixie Mattel:I only take like a few a day now I used to take so many to get off This is not an ad Is your piss like pink flamingo Like pink? No, I take too much B12 though And so does a little yellow So does Aaliyah? No, I take a little yellow when you take too much B12, for me at least, it gets a little yellow.

31:14Katya Zamolodchikova:I was like, Aliyah's dead, Mary.

31:15Trixie Mattel:R.I.P. So it's feeling like twisting pain. No, it feels like... Like a balloon.

31:22Katya Zamolodchikova:It feels like a balloon filled with a poisonous gas. Like a bike pump hooked up to your belly button. It's like, and there's no, like, I'm like, it just, so when you, oh, cramp. Think about your worst abdominal cramp. You know, sometimes you have to shit and you can't or whatever, and you feel like, you feel gas in your colon or your small, like in the side or the back. You're like, it's like that it's that everywhere oh my god the whole around like i had an inner tube of excruciating pain literally from from here down to here all around to the back as well so i go to the um i get a corset on don't you think that would have kind of of course but i'm not thinking i'm not thinking rationally i stopped wearing my waist trainer to bed right i don't have cucumber slices of my eyes like you told me to do right you know i'm looking like Lee Cronin's The Mummy and I'm feeling like like, you know, Lee Cronin's ritual symbiotic plug.

32:15Katya Zamolodchikova:Lee Cronin's The Whale is what I'm feeling like. I'm feeling like The Whale. Except I'm not jerking off reading English papers.

32:21Trixie Mattel:Did you see Brendan Fraser's doing The Mummy again? He put something online like, listen, I'm at my age, I'm doing my best. Who's presenting it? Lee Cronin.

32:32Katya Zamolodchikova:Ronan Farrow's Ronan Farrow's expose on Lee Cronin's sequel to the novel Pushed by Sapphire by Lee Daniels the butler's remake of The Mummy by Tom Cruise featuring Brendan Fraser.

32:45Trixie Mattel:But you know Rachel Weisz? Yeah. She's not able to do it, so guess who they're getting? Susan Boyle. Did you see Susan Boyle's new look?

32:54Katya Zamolodchikova:No, are you going to make me fun of her? I can't deal with it. I can't do it.

32:57Trixie Mattel:I'm not making fun of anything. She's in a wig now with sunglasses. She's in a winter look. It's like a bob with big sunglasses.

33:02Katya Zamolodchikova:She's doing Hannah Montana.

33:03Trixie Mattel:No, it's like Adele. Harry the Spy. Remember when Adele was always in all black with glasses? That was Harry the Spy. I don't know, girl. She's dead, too. It's all Trachtenberg. Yeah. What is this? We're just going to do tragedy after. Sad music is kind of inappropriate. Look, Susan Boyle. It's giving Gemma Collins kind of.

33:27Katya Zamolodchikova:It's giving Anna Winner had to leave the Met Gala early. So she called her friend Susan to come in and just like, can you just do the last?

33:33Trixie Mattel:Can you just sit like this? Can you believe that? Isn't that fierce? She's announcing her new era.

33:39Katya Zamolodchikova:Love it. I love it too. The Onion the other day was like, their article was like, Anna Winter had to abruptly close the Met Gala because her parents came home early. No, it's so funny. She issues a statement that she promises next year her parents will not come home from a river early so that she can. She's like, Sabrina Carpenter was caught rappelling out of the window. Beyonce used the drain of her dress. Like it's a house party and not trying to get home. That's so stupid. It was so funny. Okay, so I get, so the guy from Ozzy, He wheels me into the, into the, um, the whiting room area. Yeah.

34:12Katya Zamolodchikova:Um, and I know that people from Australia, I'm like wondering how is, did she all of a sudden learn Australian? This is feeling so, I didn't know I was pregnant. It was big. I was very like, is it twins? Are they both dead? Is it like, they're dead. Does that make sense? Right. So I was like, maybe stillbirth, whatever. I get in there and it's, so it goes from, it's still in terror. I'm in terror. I'm doing like, uh, uh, all of another in terraphone.

34:32Trixie Mattel:Yes. Big time.

34:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Cause I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I honestly don't know what's going on.

34:36Trixie Mattel:At least you're at the hospital.

34:37Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes. But you got to realize, and you know, I've had many, many, many scary events, mostly mental health related.

34:44Trixie Mattel:Yeah. Can I say the reason I thought this would have been particularly terrifying for you is because let's be honest, every time you've had some kind of event, it's been primarily related to psychosis. And so I always wonder, do you even remember what we remember when this happens? So usually, unfortunately, or fortunately, no. Whereas this time you had your faculties.

35:04Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, I wasn't, I wasn't, I was extremely aware and connected to a consensus reality. And the pain. And the pain. Right. So the pain was, because when I'm, when I, when I'm Tom Cruise at Mission Impossible with my dingling out, twinging berries visible in the hot sun in Los Angeles, I don't know where I am. Right. And I don't know what I'm doing. And even if you were in pain, you wouldn't know. No. Thank God you, falling into a fountain, can't feel it. Didn't know what happened. Right. Was told later. Jumping on a FedEx car, moving. Didn't know it. Told later. You know what I mean? No bruises.

35:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Does that make sense? So anyways, I'm not, honestly, glibly, I'm not glamorizing that. That's not funny. But like. No, no, no.

35:41Trixie Mattel:You, there was nothing glamorous about what you just said. So it wasn't a successful glamorification.

35:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay. I actually have the footage. Can we roll the tape? But I just said that. And I feel like you repeating that is kind of like you're coming for my glamour. So it's not your glamorous life, mama.

35:54Trixie Mattel:Oh, okay. That's Fergie.

35:56Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay.

35:56Trixie Mattel:Well, honestly, it was my glamorous life because I had the day off because of you. Is it Fergie? So I was like, every time I come around by the Gather Mountain, I was feeling it.

36:04Katya Zamolodchikova:How come every time the bitch goes down? Can I say that?

36:07Trixie Mattel:And this is kind of jumping ahead Tarantino style. The gigs we had to cancel because of you. Oh, yeah. It's maybe the only time I relax because it's not, I don't feel bad because there's nothing I can do about it.

36:20Katya Zamolodchikova:So I'm like, so this was actually, we're skipping forward to the, I was actually helping you help yourself. Yeah, no, no.

36:26Trixie Mattel:So I want to shove that turd up there myself if it meant I get a day off.

36:29Katya Zamolodchikova:It's one of those turds that then like you can't, you can't like, do you know what I mean? those things that you, it's like, tears everything on the way out. No, no, no, no, no. It's like, um, you know how the, those, um, okay.

36:44Katya Zamolodchikova:Jurassic Park. Imagine, imagine it goes up and then goes

36:47Trixie Mattel:so you can't. Oh, like the, the, the, the, the dick with the spikes on it.

36:52Katya Zamolodchikova:Exactly. Isn't it

36:53Trixie Mattel:some kind of animal has a dick with spikes on it?

36:55Katya Zamolodchikova:Um, it's like, um, a corkscrew. It's like a duck dick, right? Yeah, it's like a corkscrew. A pig has a corkscrew dick. Does a dolphin have a dick with spikes on it? I don't know, but they do be R-A-P-I-N-G. Let's talk about that next episode. Okay. So we go into the waiting room for the ER waiting room at Cedars. Now we're not. It's a who's who. It's, oh, it's, I'm. You sit next to Fat Amy. No, no, you're sitting. No, no. I'm sitting next to Grandpa Flick. Right. Rose the hat. No hat. And like, it's, I'm sitting with the, what do they call it? The true not? Except The ERs in the bigger cities are wild child.

37:33Katya Zamolodchikova:No, it's not fun. We got legs chopped off. We got motorcycle accidents. You could adopt a puppy right there in the room. I joined a pyramid scheme. I started selling leggings because it took so long. And then they took me upstairs to whatever. And they're like, this is where the trauma started. They're like, so we have to insert an NG tube into, we have to insert an NG tube. And I was like, okay, I don't know what that means. So like, so we have, we, they did another image they did. So they did first, they told me x-ray. It did an x-ray. Then they had to do a MRI. Then they had to do another, the CT scan.

38:09Katya Zamolodchikova:So these are three different images. And they're like, every time they came back with, from, with the results, they're like, it's, so it's actually a lot more, a lot more serious than we thought. So it's either this, you might have a small bowel obstruction and there's like, well, actually it's a lot more serious. And then the third time they're like, so we need to insert an NG tube. to pump out some fluid that is flooding your stomach and has entered your abdominal cavity. So I'm like, okay. And so - What are you going to say? No, thank you. I was like, does it have eyes? Right. Because like, is it like, what else?

38:42Katya Zamolodchikova:Is the tube cute? Do you have like a YSL tube? I was like, what color is that? Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't realize what they were talking about until it happened. And then this queen comes in and asks me how many times, I'll just say they because who fucking knows what gender they were honestly though if I'm not sure I just say they I hated them no I know

39:03Trixie Mattel:it has nothing to do with their gender or sexuality we're gonna get to my monologue that I gave when I thought you were asleep because that's and I can fact check it it's fierce I was like this so what does it feel like when they put the tube in because I touched the tube it's like a it's hard plastic and how thick was it who would play her you were not joking it was like a garden hose yes it really was who would play her it was like peanut M &M around like this big

39:26Katya Zamolodchikova:and also the gauge of the thickness of the tube itself this was no it's like hard plastic it was hard plastic where you could where you would struggle to bend it yeah yeah yeah like it couldn't just kink up

39:36Trixie Mattel:it's not like a it wasn't flexible like a garden hose it's not a tube you could swing around no it was hard plastic

39:41Katya Zamolodchikova:no it was like a tube that you could spray something out of yeah yeah yeah so it took him or it took them who the fuck care I don't know who it was but it took them three fucking times to get that thing down there and they're going through So he said, we're going to lube this thing up and we're going to stick it. He says, he's going to be very uncomfortable. You just have to try as hard as you can to swallow.

40:02Trixie Mattel:This reminds me of when they put that tube up my penis to get in my bladder. And they said, the more you fight it, the worse it is. They said, you just have to try to like, let it happen. They said, because it's a sphincter. Once you start fighting it, they're not going to get it in.

40:14Katya Zamolodchikova:No. So it was like, so like try to, cause it needs to go down. It has to go down. Just swallow, swallow, swallow. So I was like, it happened as it's happening. They should have dipped it in gravy

40:23Trixie Mattel:And then you would have Deep throated it don't you think Or

40:30Katya Zamolodchikova:Those The sugar things the pixie sticks Sour punch straw That would have been sickening actually They should have just hollowed out one of those Jumbo twizzlers It's a nerd throat Just twist up some fruit by the foot Yeah a red vine Girl Go to Costco Go down to the Willy Wonka chest. They can change it every day. They can do two in each nostril. So anyways, they get it down there. And it's like, it's one of those things where like, I'm not used to like being aware or like, to me, this is surgical discomfort with no anesthesia, right? Well, yeah.

41:04Trixie Mattel:So I'm like, I'm like - Because you have natural instincts to choke or cough when someone's trying to do this.

41:10Katya Zamolodchikova:So they get it down there. They get it down there. And I'm like, instantly the stomach starts to deflate as three liters of bile is pumped out of the stomach. Dark, dark green. Look at that backpack. Actually, it's darker than that. It's like green black. You can literally feel the decompression. So it feels, so there's instant relief. That is literally -

41:32Trixie Mattel:How fast is it coming out?

41:33Katya Zamolodchikova:Like a coffee drip? It's like, no, it's more than a coffee drip. It's about, it's like a labored piss.

41:41Trixie Mattel:So it's like almost, it's a steady stream. It's a steady stream. Holy shit. Three liters. so are they pushing or it's just naturally coming out no it's it's there's a suction so it's attached

41:49Katya Zamolodchikova:to a suction yeah yeah yeah some little uh a physician's assistant is going shut no what i

41:55Trixie Mattel:would have done is i would have got a running start on the hallway run and chokes like elbow smash into your stomach and i would have got that shit out well mama you wouldn't even have needed

42:03Katya Zamolodchikova:done the hose because i would have exorcisted that shit right into the next room killed it up

42:07Trixie Mattel:shut the door end of story but you're watching the fluid coming out being like what i'm like right right no

42:15Katya Zamolodchikova:so the stomach deflates considerably not totally there's a significant amount of pain that has been relieved however guess what it's just transferred to the unimaginable discomfort of the tube oh cause now your body's noticing this other thing you could have chili with noodles it was like I'm gonna punch you in the face or I could stick a knife up your ass well no no

42:37Trixie Mattel:so as this gets better you become aware oh yeah of like oh oh oh

42:41Katya Zamolodchikova:Oh, the whole time, the whole time. Yeah. And then I realized that they're not going to let, the tube's not coming out for a good long while. And they say, we're going to have to do emergency surgery. So this is 2 a.m. Fierce. That's when I call you and say, tell the twins I love them.

42:57Trixie Mattel:No, you sent me a text like 3 a.m. that was like having emergency surgery. I think there was a typo that says, I am sure to die. Please delete my history. It was late though. I don't even know if I got it that night.

43:07Katya Zamolodchikova:No, you didn't. It was like 2.30 in the morning.

43:09Trixie Mattel:But you know, I'm also.

43:09Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah.

43:10Trixie Mattel:You're like. I'm four gummies in. You're practicing. You're set for Bonnaroo at home. The curtain's not even on. And I'm like. You're like, boyfriend, look at that. The TV's not on. 100%. 100%. 100%. You're out there on the balcony. You got sugar on the balcony. No, no, no. I'm at the oven and I have the range, the electric range. They're on. I'm burning my fingers. You're checking the cookies.

43:33Katya Zamolodchikova:There's just a stuffed animal in there.

43:35Trixie Mattel:Absolutely. So they do. How long does the surgery take?

43:38Katya Zamolodchikova:Like, obviously you don't remember because you were asleep, but. So the anesthesia. So, so they come in. So I get, they, they fuck me. They give you anesthesia. They prep my body.

43:52Trixie Mattel:Fuck you. And people, when they say anesthesia, you think it's going to be like putting you under. But what happens is they fuck you. I mean, and they don't even put you out for it. They just come in and they fuck you. Well, they shave me down. They shave your body. Of course. And then they go get margarine. Rub it. Sternum to tail. And they fuck you. And it's kind of it's a lot. But when in Rome. When in Rome. And you have a chance. And I got the tube up there. I need a distraction. Hello. And guess what they, and they start putting things in the tube. Viagra. There's liquid IV? Liquid Viagra?

44:34Trixie Mattel:No, no. Liquid Viagra. Oh. A little bit of Viagra A little bit of Viagra Hey Are you bricked? I noticed you're bricked They said we can't do the surgery Until you get rid of your giant Trimex boner And so they go get some trisepatide And you start a GLP-1 Then check the moon tracker Clear Yep Okay

45:01Katya Zamolodchikova:So they say unfortunately we have to go It's not a clear It's two irons

45:10Katya Zamolodchikova:like doctor the skin is having a very strange reaction oh my god so how long is it for real so the anesthesiologist comes so the anesthesiologist comes oh I'd do it again hot

45:24Trixie Mattel:it's Katherine Heigl I would she's smoking she's smoking in the hospital he's got a cigar in the hand and a cigarette in the mouth no he's so hot no he's got a cigar and then he's holding Katherine Heigl who's holding a cigarette He's got her in a headlock.

45:38Katya Zamolodchikova:She's choking her out. She's naked from the waist down. She's got a lab coat on. I guess who else is there?

45:43Trixie Mattel:Joe Camel. Lee Codd is Joe Camel.

45:48Katya Zamolodchikova:By the way, I had not been smoking. Well, thank God. But I had not been smoking. I would have died. No. Well, with the infection risk, yeah. Yeah. So, Joe Camel. What I think you looked like during surgery is that - Joe Camel.

46:02Trixie Mattel:The guy in the Beatle just waiting room? Yes. I think that's you in the waiting room being like, but try to quit.

46:11Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm literally the person chopped in half with the legs. Of course. Of course. Mom, dad. So anesthesiologist puts you under. Anesthesiologist, I hope, fucks me. No, I'm just kidding. He's so hot.

46:22Trixie Mattel:But also the pain in the nose, you're probably like, put me under anyway. Thanks so much. Well, no, no, no.

46:26Katya Zamolodchikova:So I'm considered. So what I had was, so this is the bald and beautiful in cursive. How do you know you knew cursive? Or how to write. You smell like hospital. GI Jane. GI, get it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So nine months pregnant. So emergency surgery. This is all maybe wrong, but I didn't bring my papers. Decompressive enterotomy, exploratory laparotomy. So exploratory means they cut me open and took all of my intestines out onto the table. I don't know. And the small bowel resection. So they didn't, I forget what dissection, a dissection is just open.

47:02Trixie Mattel:And this is honestly for all those fisters out there. like

47:05Katya Zamolodchikova:well that's kind of exploratory too yeah but they're going from the other end mine was so mine was like they had to decompress my stomach my intestines were twisted which was there's a big risk of the tissue deadening dead bowel I was reading about it

47:25Trixie Mattel:a big part of what causes it is like lack of blood flow and then the smooth processes can't do anything because there's no oxygen The tissue just gets dead.

47:36Katya Zamolodchikova:Dead. And it's also the smooth muscle, as people know, is involuntary muscle. You don't have any control over it. It works by itself. So then decompressive aneurotomy, exploratory labirotomy, small bowel reset. I think they cut. So they had to cut two small holes into my small intestine and reattachment different places. After they did a full, small and large intestinal irrigation, your guts love many, many things. being touched, palpated by human hands outside of the abdominal cavity and power washed. Not so much. Not so much. And then full intestinal irrigation and then sloppy wet head from the anesthesiologist.

48:18Trixie Mattel:Teeth or no teeth. I'm not sure. Well, they pulled out all your teeth, which was kind of confusing. They switched. Fairly grown into the mummy.

48:26Katya Zamolodchikova:They put in my mom's dentures.

48:27Trixie Mattel:Well, then you woke up with a pussy. I saw the wrong name

48:31Katya Zamolodchikova:and then as I'm starting to leak dead lady juice at the funeral they're like what in the hell

48:35Trixie Mattel:when I found out they were moving part of your digestive system I thought they were going to make you a pussy and that every time some guy was going to fuck you he was going to say it felt like an ass

48:46Katya Zamolodchikova:well I know that it was going to be like when I came back with a colostomy back thriving you're going to be like paper or plastic

48:51Trixie Mattel:that's a life saving procedure

48:53Katya Zamolodchikova:so two faggots who you know and I won't mention any names Andrew and Joseph came to visit me They were like, for them, they were like, they're very attractive gay people. So like, I know you're saying.

49:06Trixie Mattel:Oh, so are you, girl. You're so hot, girl. And I bet you looked even better with your Frankenstein scar and your garden hose up your nose, girl. Thank you very much. Thank you.

49:21Trixie Mattel:The necrophiliacs probably wanted it. Thank you, Tootsie. You know what it all gives? Crimes of the future.

49:27Katya Zamolodchikova:100 % tell me she was in the surgical team the wet head women in Hollywood women in Hollywood so once Andrew and Joseph came to visit I was looking like grandpa flick as you saw now did they come before me?

49:49Trixie Mattel:they came before me I came alone because I didn't know if you wanted to guess Mary, touch my hand again.

49:58Katya Zamolodchikova:I'm so happy you came when you came. Because as horrible as I looked then, sweetie, you are not prepared. You love Dr. Sleep. I love Dr. Sleep. That's one of the big Venn diagrams of our movie-loving converge. I'm not choking. We have some shared interests with Dr. Sleep. Polo and pan. And sloppy wet head with teeth.

50:17Trixie Mattel:And sloppy wet head with teeth from a cigarette-laden Katherine Heigl. You know? In a headlock. In a headlock. So what? Sue me. Sue me. Take us to people's court. Spielberg is about to launch Disclosure Day. The aliens are coming. So what if I want to get sloppy wet head from Captain Heigl with a cigarette in the hospital in front of my friend's body? So if she burns my balls. You know what else it gives? Burn my balls. You know what else it gives? The baby on the stomach from Total Recall. Quato lives.

50:51Katya Zamolodchikova:That's what it also gives. When Joseph and Andrew came, I said, I had, I was like, I was like, I couldn't talk. I was getting really weak or no. Jennifer and your boyfriend came on my birthday and gave me the lovely present from you, which thank you so much. I was really, really sweet.

51:04Trixie Mattel:I told them you get out of here. I was filming. I was, I was doing the pod or something. Yeah. And they were going to go and they asked me, should we go? I said, well, I was just there. I said, I only stayed about an hour and I could tell she wanted me to leave. So I just stayed like an hour and left. So before I left, they gave you Dilaudid and you went. immediately like you were exhausted yeah the slightest suggestion of that drug in your system it was like a county fair hypnosis like sleep no it was mary and cotillard at the end of the dark night rises i was like yes a hundred percent so i'm standing there and the nurse her name is like eileen or something it was eleanor eleanor yeah and i go thank you so much for taking care of him i said and i thought you were asleep i go he does not do well with discomfort

51:46Katya Zamolodchikova:She started her fucking, I'm auditioning with this monologue.

51:53Trixie Mattel:Well, no, because we forgot that you're laying there in bed and you ring your buzzer like this. Hello?

52:02Katya Zamolodchikova:I've got my hand on the call thing with the button. It's keeping you away from it. Hello? Hello?

52:10Trixie Mattel:And I go find somebody and it's like that clip in that movie. My daughter is pained.

52:13Katya Zamolodchikova:My daughter is pained. She needs her shot. It's 10 o 'clock.

52:15Trixie Mattel:And I go, my colleague's in there and his thing is beating. He just needs a little help. And they took, I mean. Two and a half hours? They took a long time to come. They did. But you were not exactly misgracious. Hello. Hello. Like they saved your life and you were pissed off. They didn't. Dr. Bloom did. Thanks. And then so I think she's asleep. And I thank God she's been treating these people like this this whole time. So I go, once you're asleep, I go, I said, how often can you get pain medicine? And they said, well, he's been approved for the lauded for every four hours, but we don't want to encourage it because it can slow down digestive system.

52:50Trixie Mattel:We're trying to get it to heal. And I said, okay, well, I said, you better tell him that because he's going to want it every four hours. Every four minutes. Yeah. And then I go, I know he's kind of a baby. He does not do well with pain or discomfort or inconvenience. And he's not very patient. Yeah.

53:04Katya Zamolodchikova:And then he's like, he's also, I'm sure you've noticed and you're a very nice lady. So you want him in it so ugly. Yeah. And he has the tiniest dick. I'm not sure if you know it's a man.

53:12Trixie Mattel:They're not Burns.

53:13Katya Zamolodchikova:That's just his face. Yes. So have you seen, um, have you seen the movie Pet Sematary? And also that is a dick.

53:22Trixie Mattel:It's just small.

53:23Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. And I know the balls look like they're swollen. Right. That's just silicone.

53:26Trixie Mattel:Of course.

53:27Katya Zamolodchikova:Of course. And those aren't tattoos. He's been branded. Yeah. And that, um, all that soot around where his anus used to be. Yeah. And I said, you might recognize him.

53:40Trixie Mattel:NXIVM. Lee Cronin. Rick Cronin's the NXIVM. So she was like, how do you guys know each other? I worked with you there. I said, yeah. Lovers. She said, what do you guys do? I said, oh, we do podcasting and TV and stuff. And she goes, oh, really? And I said, and you were asleep. And I go, you know what? Maybe this will, maybe they'll give him this little special treat. And I go, you know, he's actually really famous. And they go, really? I said, yeah. And I brought up your Instagram and I showed him a picture of you and me. Grandpa Flick and Rose the Hat. No. She goes, oh, my God. He's beautiful.

54:09Trixie Mattel:Zooms in on my face. and then you know what as soon as you leave the room she robbed me no no no you know what it was I let her have it I said yeah that's her she looks great she looks great sure

54:21Katya Zamolodchikova:how did she get that line work

54:22Trixie Mattel:so precise I know with those trembling cracky hands I go I don't know if he wants everyone here to know but yeah he's really famous I said I bet somebody here will recognize him at some point

54:30Katya Zamolodchikova:and that's when my eyes went and that fucking bitch she had no she looked over and you were like this I was like I was like this And then, and then back to me and Cody. Yeah.

54:44Trixie Mattel:So then I was just like, I basically was just like, I, cause I got the sense that maybe you were treating these people this way the whole time. So I was just like, I know he's just, he's just kind of, he doesn't do well with a discomfort, but like, you know, well, let's fast forward. We're going to fast forward, which I wish I could have done. No, we're not. We're not, we're not stopping until Jennifer and my boyfriend stop by.

55:01Katya Zamolodchikova:Jennifer and your boyfriend, who is just spoiler alert, the loveliest man in this world. She does not deserve him. I don't want to see my camera. Where's my camera. She doesn't This Fucking rotted pig Whoever you are Mr. Boyfriend I haven't met you yet Well I don't want to say his name So I've been thinking about No no I know

55:17Trixie Mattel:We're calling him Mr. Wonderful No I've been thinking about Calling him Blanket No we're calling him Mr. Wonderful Oh Mr. Wonderful Thank you So Mr. Remember that Mr. Wonderful The toy you had Ow It's like You look so beautiful today It's like that He's like that

55:31Katya Zamolodchikova:Where was he While I was languishing in Brooklyn For 10 days Without food and water

55:35Trixie Mattel:I know So they come Jennifer No a dream guy They go do you think he'll mind if, because it was your birthday. Yes. They said, do you think he'll mind if we just stop by? And I said, I don't know if he wants a visit. I said, to be honest, I was there alone and I only stayed an hour. I said, but if you just go and he tells you to leave, at least you went. So they go. And I say, why don't you bring my birthday present for him? Because I was going to give it to you on the pod.

55:55Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah. It was a huge hardened piece of cat shit.

55:57Trixie Mattel:I actually felt bad because I'm like, oh great. We're giving the sick person something they have to carry home in a few days. Like I was like, that was kind of short-sighted, But they come and they tell me that they walk in and you have a hat on. You're in the hospital bed with a hat on. Because I'm ashamed. Looking like Kelly Dantle at the airport.

56:13Katya Zamolodchikova:My four gray hairs are growing in. Oh, fierce. Not fierce. The terrifier. Right. Anyways, they come in.

56:19Trixie Mattel:Go ahead. I suggested they pick up your unit. Wait. Oh. For you. Coming with the unit for your birthday. That could have changed everything.

56:29Katya Zamolodchikova:So, I mean, look at what it does. Look at the difference. Look at the material. And then, and then not to be, not to be morbid, but sometimes it's some, you know how they say lipstick on a pig? Sometimes if you really just, if you think it through and you take contrary action, like they talk about in certain recovery programs, a little bit of sparkle goes a long way. You look like JoJo Siwa. And I feel like her.

56:54Trixie Mattel:I feel like a million dollars. It's very picture day. Queen. So.

56:59Katya Zamolodchikova:Okay.

56:59Trixie Mattel:So they told me that they walked in. You said, grab my hand. And you grabbed their hands. And they said no more than 90 seconds later, you were like, you can leave now. And they left. Well, so, okay.

57:10Katya Zamolodchikova:So I just, Cliff notes, I then endured 10 days. One zero. That's three more than a week. And what you said to the Eleanor is absolutely true. I have no threshold for discomfort. I am Kim Cattrall. I do not want to spend more than 30, sorry. I do not want to spend more than 30 minutes of my life doing something I don't want to do. So this was 24, 240 hours. Yes. And how do you think it was for the nurses? Hello? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I, so then, okay. So I didn't, I didn't watch one episode of television. I didn't listen to one song. Why? I couldn't, I couldn't, I could not be distracted.

57:50Katya Zamolodchikova:So I literally stared into space alone in the prison of my own body. famous in prison lady gargar i could not do anything i listened to a one talk by alan watts three times mind over mind highly recommended on youtube and that's all i was just i couldn't there's nothing that could offer me relief i couldn't even watch hacks on my ipad i couldn't listen to things on my can i couldn't do anything because i just there was i don't know how to explain it i had my abacus i had my my italian um quill i had my quill i had plenty of ink all the colors and i but i couldn't do anything and then um i listened to mind over mind three times that really helped, but this is what crazy would happen.

58:26Katya Zamolodchikova:I had to call our manager about day six, seven. Well, first of all, during my birthday, I had dreams. I went through a retrospective of every single thing I've done horribly wrong in my life, starting from my first memory up into the present day. Vivid. It's been a long fucking dream. Must've been a real coma, honey. There's a thing in Game of Thrones. I said, you know, my father always said there's wisdom in one's mistakes and she goes, you must be very wise by now. I was like that. Very that.

58:56Trixie Mattel:It was very that. A lot of night games.

58:58Katya Zamolodchikova:A lot of night games. Marla, Marla, Marla.

59:01Trixie Mattel:Marla also gives Alyssa Edwards when Sharon was like, I always said if I wasn't famous by 35, I'd be a serial killer. And Alyssa goes, well, girl, how old are you? I'm getting nervous. Love that shit. It's very bad.

59:13Katya Zamolodchikova:It's very bad. So then a couple of days later, Grandpa Flick. Anybody who's seen Dr. Flick, when Grandpa Flick is in the camp dying, I'm not joking. This is like, you know, bow off, no bang, bald face, like telling the truth. I actually looked like him. I looked 70, David. David, I looked 70. Get a fucking walker and put me in it.

59:38Trixie Mattel:Love you.

59:38Katya Zamolodchikova:It was frightening, right?

59:40Trixie Mattel:It was scary. I believe you. Yes. And I think we all believe that you could look like that. Shut the fuck up. I'm not being funny. No, I know. But you know how people like I don't have Body dysmorphia Even when you should Even when you have a beach ball You're like Should I go to the hospital? I got body Dysmorphia saved your life No I got body Body philia Body euphoria

1:00:03Katya Zamolodchikova:Body euphoria You're having body euphoria You're having body euphoria I'm like I think I have I think I'm fucking

1:00:09Trixie Mattel:Sydney Sweeney With my cutoff sweater And my under boob Like bouncing No but that is me When I'm at stores And I'm like Do you have a smaller size? And then I go try it on And it doesn't fit And I'm like What is this shit? She's like, why is this place flopping so hard?

1:00:20Katya Zamolodchikova:But also, more importantly, how do I look this hot in this mirror? Right. Why? Where is Lee Cronin? Where is he? Lee Cronin's the gap. Lee Cronin's justice. So I called our manager and I'm exasperated. Do you know why? Because for what appears, what in my consciousness feels like eight to ten hours, I have been put through the ringer with our entire Netflix crew in the room, in the hospital room. And I'm doing ADR and they're shooting around my NG tube to do half of a post-production reshoot and a marketing rollout for a Selma Hayek heist movie that's a Netflix original. Now, this is out of anesthesia.

1:01:07Katya Zamolodchikova:I have not been, there's no, um, this is no psychoactive drug in my head for more than, I would have passed a piss test is my point at this point. No one would take it. Does anybody want my pee? Now's a good time. You saw it. It was right there. It was dark orange. Tea. It looked like tea. It looked like someone pumped motor oil in the tank and shook it. It looked like Irish breakfast tea. It was crazy. It looked like Earl Fog, gray. It looked like hot sauce, Mary. It looked like an affogato. It looked like Tapatio. It was crazy. It was the super spicy at the taco stand when you mix the green and the red.

1:01:42Katya Zamolodchikova:It was crazy. It was gross.

1:01:43Trixie Mattel:It was crazy. It was like sea monkeys. It looked like blood. No, it was red and brown and orange. Thank you.

1:01:52Katya Zamolodchikova:And then we got green coming out of the NG tube. It was not liquid. It was the coat of many colors. There was sand on the bottom.

1:01:58Trixie Mattel:You know, when you ever get that really smoky salsa that's like brown, it was like that floating in the bottom. No, for real. It was like separating like a sand art. It was Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino. Girl, and your nurse, Charlize Africa, was in there testing it. And she said, she's like, ah.

1:02:17Katya Zamolodchikova:So then, so then, so I called David. It took me about 60 seconds to realize, he's like, first of all, he's incredulous. He doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. He's like, hey, yeah, I'll call Maddie. but uh so um what do you what do you what do you want from me and what do you think is happening

1:02:41Trixie Mattel:what are you talking about and then I was like

1:02:43Katya Zamolodchikova:what do you mean what I'm talking about I was like this is crazy I was like I know we have Netflix on the I was like I know I was like I cannot do anything I'm in the hospital I can't even go to the bathroom he's like he's like okay um so there's nobody so there's nobody there

1:02:58Trixie Mattel:does that make sense yes he's like he's like you're so lucky you didn't call me he's being gentler than i would have been he's like

1:03:04Katya Zamolodchikova:he's like well he didn't first of all he's trying to figure out what i'm talking about right so he's like in the same he's like his is like what the fuck so he's not gonna be like what the fuck are you talking about cracky right because i'm like so i'm so whatever then knowing i was like oh my god david i'm crazy i was like david i'm crazy he's like well it could be it's the anesthesia

1:03:25Trixie Mattel:like like you're you what is that too also and dilaudid which is a little bit psychoactive it's It's the morphine adjacent.

1:03:32Katya Zamolodchikova:With here is the catalyst. You know how like in chemistry, there's a chemical reaction from one comment that makes it a catalyst.

1:03:39Trixie Mattel:Oh, yeah, yeah. No sleep, ho. Oh, yeah.

1:03:44Katya Zamolodchikova:No sleep. You know, but Janet Jackson - How am I supposed to sleep with no sleep? Janet Jackson featuring J. Cole or J. Smooth or J. Somebody.

1:03:57Katya Zamolodchikova:No sleep. So because every 20 minutes to two hours That machine, what does that machine mean? I'm intentionally annoying the listeners If you're on the 5, the 10, or the 110 Or whatever right now I'm going to be intentionally annoying

1:04:20Katya Zamolodchikova:Six bags, six alarms Every time a bag of IV, whatever They had fruit flavor they got fruit. They got like,

1:04:28Trixie Mattel:but what kicks it is no one comes in. It beeps like there's urgency. Say it again, girl. Say it again, girl. Say it again. No one comes in. Say it again, girl. Say it again. No one comes in.

1:04:35Katya Zamolodchikova:Say it again.

1:04:36Trixie Mattel:Say it again. No one comes in. Nobody came in. But it beeps like it's urgent. Yeah.

1:04:40Katya Zamolodchikova:It beeps like it's a, but nothing happens. It beeps at, no, and this isn't for real.

1:04:44Trixie Mattel:Anybody who works at Cedars, whether you're a tech, whether you're - You better watch your mouth the next time you're in there, they're going to be like, isn't that bitch who said something, had a lot to say about me in the press. Miley, what's good? Oh no, baby, baby. They're all on my side.

1:04:53Katya Zamolodchikova:We're all, we're all, oh, you're kidding me? We're all at the town. We're all at the Dr. Goldstein's fundraiser. Mary, we're all at Barbara. We're all at the gala. We're all, we're all. You brought this on yourself. We're all doing$2 ,500 a plate at the Cedar Sinai fundraiser. And we're all getting our pitchforks and torches out because we know everybody, staff, doctors, neurology, rheumatology, post-op, everybody, urology. Pre-op, post-op, op. Post-op, pussies, Thailand, anybody. We know that those IV towers have got to go. So anyways, every, so that I'm screaming.

1:05:26Trixie Mattel:Also in the age of the Apple watch, why don't we just notify them on their, like what does the sound do?

1:05:32Katya Zamolodchikova:But it's not necessarily the sound. It's the volume is the same volume at which a flat line would occur. Right. It's a Boeing 7, 707. It's the same. Like if you went, I'm not joking and everybody can attest to this.

1:05:44Trixie Mattel:But how do you know what a flat line sounds like?

1:05:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Because people were dying left and right. he died does that make sense no but i mean i was like there's no i was like this is there's no louder sound than this and everybody would would so fast forward i after my vogue shoot so after netflix got out of the room thank god for david our manager i i was like oh i'm crazy i hallucinated this that makes sense do you know what i almost did though but i had a gig out of

1:06:10Trixie Mattel:town and i was in drag do you know i almost stopped by in drag you almost patched out with Pete, who's going to create our Patreon. Yeah. I almost stopped by with him in drag. Like... Patch Adams. No, like John Cena visiting a kid in the hospital. You should have. I'm so crestfallen that you didn't. Between that, though, and Jennifer actually showing up, it would have made your dream made more sense.

1:06:34Katya Zamolodchikova:Yes. Yes, it would have. And also it would have probably... So when Grace Coddington and I had finished our Vogue shoot for Vogue Accessories, we did a huge long day. It was... I realized now it was a dream. wants to see accessories they're gonna come look at your hot glue no no do you realize that they had to rhinestone the ng tube and then it obviously it didn't work because it was so gross they had to shoot around me for the whole thing i've never felt more humiliated my entire life the photographer i could hear him making comments about how disgusting it was under his breath right they had put a hermes scarf over the the suction to hide the the draining nasty thing and it was a the most exhaustive real life dream or not dream in between twilight hallucination.

1:07:15Katya Zamolodchikova:I was fuming the whole time and I'm also hungry. But I was in solidarity because all the models were starving too and there was no crafty.

1:07:23Trixie Mattel:Oh, they also, I remember they wouldn't give you water and you could only have ice chips.

1:07:26Katya Zamolodchikova:No, no, no. They said this. They said, if you really need to have relief, here's a toothpick with a sponge at the end that you can swab the inside of your mouth with ice chips. I said, I took that cup, I threw that swab in the corner, I took the cup and I shoved it down my throat.

1:07:44Trixie Mattel:But they told me it's because they needed to get more bile out of you before they could put more fluid in. Yes,

1:07:48Katya Zamolodchikova:and if I drank or if I chugged, if I threw a cup of water down there, it gets immediately sucked up through the tube and then it dilutes the solution so they don't know how much I'm actually releasing. That's what they told me. But at a certain point, I was like, you know what? I understand that. At this point, tricks the dolls are the dolls. Mama, the dolls are the dolls. I was like, I took those ice chips. One time, I know we're going over.

1:08:11Trixie Mattel:Ice? I don't know. Chips?

1:08:16Trixie Mattel:People don't... This big said chips? Chips? Anything with chips. Frida? Honey, say them more. Chips?

1:08:21Katya Zamolodchikova:Are they baked or fried? Oh, thank you. We can talk about diet in the Step Down Nutritional Program for the next episode. But one night, I was so... Then I started having nightmares during the four hours I was able to sleep. from when I could, when the, I, so they didn't come in to do, they come in to do blood pressure every two hours. So in addition to having six bags all time differently beeping, it was so incredible with the NG tube. So there's no sleep. There's tube, another tube, IV port, veins are collapsing. Got to do the pick line up here. It was so crazy. It's a myth that you get to rest in the hospital.

1:08:57Katya Zamolodchikova:They wake you up constantly. So that was, that was a big thing. I didn't know that, But you don't, people who are in the hospital for 10 days are usually in the ICU. So, so I, um, so fast forward after the Vogue accessory shoots, which was a huge hit, by the way, despite me, they'd come out of the whole thing. Um, uh, they nurse, have you ever seen nurse Jackie? Anybody who's a fan of Merritt Weaver from nurse Jackie, um, Merritt Weaver, Emmy winning actress. She's so funny. Is that Carmelo Soprano? I know. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's Jackie. Yeah. And then the co-star, that movie, that show is so fabulous, by the way.

1:09:31Katya Zamolodchikova:Betty Gilpin. Eats. Eats. She just ate in Widow's Bay. She eats in everything. She just ate the shit out of Widow's Bay. I did too as the wet hag who sat on the guy's face and got thrown off the thing with a recliner. Another story. But then, so the day that she comes and she comes in with like, Audrey, here's a name. Audrey at Cedars-Sinai, the nurse. You are the only nurse. There's a lot of great nurses, but she comes in and she's got this like glint in her eye. and I'm like, what's going on? It wasn't, it wasn't like, yeah, no, it was like, it was like, it was like she had, there was some good news.

1:10:06Katya Zamolodchikova:She said, haven't you noticed anything? Yeah, she's like, yeah, she's like, so I, um, you know, I had to tell you about Glenn, right? My Glenn, um, you know, uh, she comes in and she's got like a particular, but she's a very upbeat person, super capable, very confident, not meek or anything. Who wants to play her? Um, Merritt Weaver. Oh, right. Like down, I'm in down, down, loud, confident, funny as hell. personable sweet extremely talented very very very good at her job she comes in i'm like what is she doing she's like she's like i'm paraphrasing she's like she looks she sits on the side of the she's like are you ready i was like ready for what she's like you know what i was like food the tube is coming out oh i was like the tube is coming i was like are you i was like don't you fucking play with me bitch.

1:10:54Trixie Mattel:Because if this was a joke I'll unplug myself.

1:10:57Katya Zamolodchikova:Merritt Weaver would be Samara Weaver ready or not being killed. I mean I would have murdered her. I was like you don't fuck with me like that bitch. She's like oh yeah it's coming out. And there was no she was like right now. And she just pulled. She said take a deep breath in and she was like she

1:11:21Trixie Mattel:ripped that shit out and I might. I would have done, I would have tied it to the door and slammed it like a loose tooth. It was basically, it was so long.

1:11:29Katya Zamolodchikova:I mean, it was, it was, well, it was disgusting and wet and gross. It was like, but it went so. Probably like snotty, like mucusy. Well, yeah, it was totally mucusy. That sounds really gross. It was all the way down there. I don't like that. No, it was about 13, 16 inches.

1:11:45Trixie Mattel:That's gross what you did.

1:11:46Katya Zamolodchikova:Yeah, yeah. You should be ashamed of yourself. That's sick. Do you ever think about, you know. Just die next time. That's sick. So she clown thingy. What is it? Yeah. And then I was, so she, I am transcending. I'm lifting off. I'm evil dead rising off of the hospital bed. And by the way, shit the bed. Whoops. And then. That's an animal. Yeah. And that was the night delights.

1:12:12Trixie Mattel:You probably shit the bed and looked over like that, that, that, that Satan baby. No.

1:12:20Katya Zamolodchikova:That's what she did to me. What's the thing about? She's like, she was like. And then she was left. She didn't even work there. She was a ghost the whole time. It was a fan. It was a ghost. It was a fan. She took it.

1:12:31Trixie Mattel:Turns out the doctor was a woman. She's selling it on eBay. I'm going to go home and have sex with my wife. And she just left.

1:12:38Katya Zamolodchikova:And then shake, frattle and roll. And that was it. And that's the history. And then you got to go home.

1:12:42Trixie Mattel:When did you get to start eating food though?

1:12:43Katya Zamolodchikova:Well, so then when the tube came out, the happiness was short lived. I mean, the happiness, it was literally, I became, it was like, well, I'm Bella Hadid. But then they slapped me in the face and stood in the hospital. Then there was a countdown to all right. It was like, I got the, I was Beatrix kiddo in the car. It's like, let's get those other piggies wiggling. Right? I got the big toe.

1:13:05Trixie Mattel:Did they give you chicken nuggets or something fun?

1:13:08Katya Zamolodchikova:I'll save it for next time. It's like bone broth, wasn't it? I'll save it for next time because it's diabolical. But let's just say, mama, you can't get out of, you are not leaving this pussy wagon until you shit the bed. When I realized, when I got up to go to the bathroom and that incredible down comforter that our manager had got me to like pad that nasty hospital seat and I saw that brown mess, you would think I'd be horrified. You would think I'd be ashamed. I said, Day-oh, Day-oh, Daylight come and me gon' go home. Day-oh. Me say shit, me say shit, me say shit, the bed. I shit the bed and then I went home

1:13:52Trixie Mattel:I think next week we can kind of put a button on this story and then we can talk about all the other things we missed because there's a lot of life that didn't, you know, after the hospital there's life after the hospital so I think I'm good Follow me on Twitter Bye

1:14:16Thank you.