#511 - The Biggest Show We've Done

41:15We go after it a little bit. It's a little more fun. Not a little more fun. It's all fun. Everything is fun. Equal levels of fun. But you get those episodes exclusively every single Friday at 7 a.m. So you could start your week and end your week with The Basement Yard. Thank you guys again. So make sure you go to patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. and if you want to save yourself a couple bucks, okay, go to that website on a web browser, whether it be Chrome, Safari, whatever, and avoid using the app because the app charges you extra money because it needs to pay out, you know, whoever is owning the rights to that app or whatever.

41:51I'm not even sure how it works, but you can save yourself money by signing up for Patreon by doing it exclusively on the web browser version. So again, that's patreon.com slash the basement yard and as we are recording we just uh got back into shows we did our first shows in kansas city andst louis uh last week it was a ton of fun the crowd was incredible the people were very nice uh they they were so kind and courteous to us and we had a really really fun time so uh one of the reasons those shows were so fun is because we'd like them to be interactive and how could you be in on the conversation if you're coming to any of these shows go to the basement yard.com slash submit you're going to input what show you're coming to and then you're going to answer a series of questions, prompts, which the crazier or more interesting, maybe it'll get picked.

42:36Maybe we'll talk to you about you with you at one of these shows. Okay. So we got shows coming up, San Diego and San Francisco. We'll be there next as of recording. And then after that, Atlantic city, and then we're going all over the place. So go check it out. The basement yard.com slash submit we love you we thank you we're excited to see you all right so i know what story you're referencing with the red pandas yep basically that there was a hotel in china that is now in trouble because they were allowing people to pay money to be was it woken up by woken up woken up by red pandas during their stay yeah i absolutely would visit this hotel i mean if if I could get woken up by red pandas anywhere, that's what I'm doing.

43:27But like how, here's my question. And this is me just splitting hairs here, but like, how do they confirm that the thing is going to wake you up? Because like, if I could put a red panda in this room or, and by this room, I just mean like our podcast set. I don't think it like physically wakes you up. It's just like first thing. If I'm paying my hard earned money, I want this thing to get in bed with me. It's gonna, or it may not. No, It's not going to do the act of waking you up. What are you expecting a red panda to do for you? Set off your alarm for you? Scratch my head. Good morning. No, it's like first thing you wake up, they put a red panda in your room and he hangs out with you in your bed and rolls around and fucking laughs and shit.

44:08It's fucking fire. Can red pandas laugh? Wait a second, that might be a game changer. I have no idea if they laugh, but I have seen them smile. I think they just like... Also, they look more like a raccoon than they do a panda. Yeah. They do. You couldn't pay me to get a raccoon. Raccoons are very cute. They just have ugly hands. Raccoons suck, dude. They suck because they eat garbage and whatever, but if you held one and domesticated it, it'd be very cute. You sure about that? Absolutely. No, fuck that thing. Raccoons are definitely cute. First of all, they're built like a member of the insane clown posse.

44:43I don't like this. I want this thing. It's not proportionately cute. It's got cute hands and whatever. It has ugly hands. And a whatever face. No, they have very cute faces. The rest of his body looks like it's wearing Janko jeans. I don't want that shit. Do you even know what a raccoon looks like? I do know what a raccoon looks like. Janko jeans? Do you know what a Janko jean looks like? Yes, I do. Well, then that's what the raccoons look like they're wearing. How? Because they're baggy. They're not baggy. They're baggy. Raccoons? Yeah. Dude, I don't think you've seen a raccoon in your life. They're fat off trash.

45:16They're not fat off trash. I'm not gonna sit here while you talk about a raccoon like that. I saw while you're pulling that up. I saw that - Look how cute this thing is. Are you fucking kidding me?

45:30Frank. I don't like it. You don't like that? It's so fine, dude. And where's the JNCO jeans? What are you talking about? Well, that's a great picture of a raccoon. That's all of the pictures of the raccoons. When's the last time you saw a raccoon - Look at this thing! That's not real. That's a stuffed animal. That's a real raccoon. It's just wet. No, no, no. Because he was outside playing in a fucking puddle probably because he's so cute. Playing in a puddle. First of all, it looks like there's daylight out there. So you guess what that means about raccoons? Rabid. Look how cute. That's three of them.

45:57That is three. In numbers, they do better. All these pictures are raccoons in the daylight, which lead me to believe that they're rabid because they're naturally nocturnal animals. I'll punch that thing in the face. Frankie. I could cry my eyes out looking at this. Are you kidding me? You don't like this? You're being contrarian. I'm not being contrarian. This isn't cute? Because I know what's behind that little look. Rabies, a foaming mouth, dirty, grubby hands. Not all raccoons have rabies. If it's out during the day. If it's out during the day. Don't, don't, don't. That's racist. No, don't you dare.

46:29You're racist against them. I'm not racist-ing. Look, they're like, oh. The chances are if a raccoon is out during the day, it has rabies. What you're looking at is sickly on their basically deathbed raccoons. a raccoon being active during the day doesn't automatically mean it's rabies or is sick i know i didn't say automatically i didn't say all the time i said most likely a preponderance of the evidence 51 of the chance you but you're saying most likely and you're basing that on nothing no i'm basing that off of statistics how much raccoon info do you have where's the data show the data joey i've seen a lot of raccoons in my time sure you do i've seen a lot of raccoons i've seen more wildlife than you no you haven't while raccoons are typically nocturnal they can be out during the day for several reasons including including foraging for food so you think just because raccoons are out there trying to make do for their family they're also idiots if i'm gonna forage for food and i'm afraid of people i'm gonna do it when they're most sleeping at night dumbasses i mean they're hungry they have to go get food we sleep when they could sleep during the day they need to regulate their cycle here okay that's not how it works that's exactly how it works sleep during the day wake up at night when everyone is sleeping forage for food.

47:42I mean, I think that's what they do. They're nocturnal. Not if they're going out during the day. They're working double shifts. They're trying to help their family. I am sympathetic to people that have to do that because that's hard. Okay. But I just have a thing against rodents. Opossums. You just said a hard R right there and I didn't like the way you said rodents. I didn't like it, honestly. Rodents. Like, they're cute. I'm talking about raccoons, Joe. They eat garbage, which isn't great. Technically, we eat garbage, too, but it's just not garbaged garbage. What's an example? Well, garbage is subjective, Joey.

48:20I think you understand that. One man's trash is another man's treasure. But what do you eat that's garbage? I mean, people would call some of the food that we as Americans eat garbage. I'm asking for an example. Cheeseburgers. How is that garbage? Hot dogs. Same question? Some people might use their definition of garbage to define American cuisine as garbage. Yeah, in a facetious kind of way. Sure, yeah. That's garbage. But we're talking about waste. Yep. Is water not the waste of the earth? Nope. Are we not drinking the piss of earth? We aren't. Is our plants... I don't know what you're about to ask, but no is the answer.

49:03Okay. Are plants not the acne of our planet?

49:12Your mind works in mysterious ways. Why? But pandas. Pandas, panda bears are like my favorite animal right now. Okay. I go in and out. So I saw that the number was like, it was like between basically like$250 and$500 to get this done. Oh, really? At a hotel in China. That's an easy add-on. You're doing that? Easily. Really? Easy What the fuck? It's between the minibar or getting woken up by a panda It's both Also minibar in the morning Who do you think I am? I mean they have like breakfast stuff in there They have like canned coffees and teas I never do any of that I don't either but I've seen them No No I'm getting the panda dude every time Every time it's the panda I mean if every hotel had like animals that could wake you up I would do it Would you wear your panda while you're playing with a panda?

50:04I wouldn't but a panda bear I would I want to get my fucking arms around these things and like wrestle them a little bit yeah and then it's gonna get its arms around your neck and choke you yeah it will kill me 100 % I think they bite too which isn't great aren't they the only animal on the planet that eats bamboo yeah they love bamboo I've watched a video of a panda eating bamboo for so long because they like strip it and then eat like the inside part of it um I watched one so long that I didn't realize it started over. And I don't even know. And I can't tell you how many times I watched it right now.

50:41You were just mesmerized by a panda eating bamboo. It's so good. I will say, I haven't seen, as far as I can recall, any live videos of pandas eating bamboo. The crunch probably sounds incredible. Oh, it's the best. It's like, you know what I like? you ever get Chinese food and they have the water chestnuts in there and you bite through it and it's kind of like a harder apple? Yeah. Is it like that? Or is it like a... Dude, I don't even know how to describe it. It's like a softer PVC pipe. Okay. It's kind of what it's like. Okay. It's crazy. I'm kind of bought in. It's so good. There's an ASMR video on the internet that I've watched multiple times and it's of a horse eating like apples and like random shit.

51:29Love when horses eat carrots and apples and stuff. Fucking nothing better than those big fucking stupid teeth chomping down on some apples, baby. What about the one? I always get nervous watching it because I'm like, oh no, it's going to choke, but it doesn't. Where they throw a fucking full watermelon in a hippo's mouth. Yeah. Or like a full pumpkin or like a series of gourds. Bro. And this thing bites down and it, whatever was in its mouth. Explodes. Into billions of pieces. Dude, I always think about that when I watch, like, trainers feeding killer whales. I'm like, yo, you're throwing that fish in the back of his throat.

52:05Give him a second to chew it. Well, a lot of those animals, and, like, I remember if you look at, like, alligators or crocodiles, one or the other, if not both, they, like, their tongue, like,

52:17like, I'm sorry. But, like. Apology not accepted, by the way. Keep going. It, like, rests so it, like, closes its throat. Yeah. It's not like us Like ours is just like Eh And it's just there Like Yeah they're just like Throwing this thing Like they'll throw them In the back of their mouth And then they'll close their mouth And then open their tongue hole It's crazy Throat I guess is the word That I'm looking for here Right I think that's what You're thinking as well And then that's how they eat it But like I get nervous For these animals sometimes I do too Cause it's like Oh I want a little Like treat And then they fucking Roger Clemens shows up And fires one in the back Of this whale's throat You know what I like watching Seals go like this when you see if you watch videos of seals they just go like this or i love with like i've been great like there's like a video i saw i showed the girls once of like a cat next to a seal and it does that thing where the cat like swats at it and the seal like dramatically like like rolls on its back and rolls over seals are fucking up there for me seals are up there better than red pandas what are seals are not seals yeah i like seals but what's the other one that's like a seal but bigger walrus walrus well those are the ones with the sea lions is what i mean manatees no those are completely different i love manatees though manatees and seals dude is a seal um manatees a sea cow i'm sorry yeah yeah go ahead manatees are like the white yes pillowy yeah yeah you're right i'm sorry like you can be in the water in florida and they just pull up on you you're not allowed to touch them but i would I'd give them a little like Hey Oh no But they're like nice They're like chill They like eat like grass Like no one fucks with them Yeah there's like videos And like Like first hand accounts Of people getting like Helped by these animals Like they'll be like They drop their phone And it'll go grab their phone For them and shit like that That's one of the craziest videos I've ever seen in my entire life I think it was like a Was it a manatee or a dolphin?

54:12One of them It's The phone is on the fucking animal's face and it's coming up to the surface i would have threw my phone i would have played fetch all day that's with your phone yeah i would have been like fuck my phone i'm taking this thing home i just here's my here's the reason i don't want to go like swimming with dolphins or like befriend like aquatic animals or a lot of animals i should say is because it does sound like you have something against animals yeah i'll get my feelings hurt if they don't remember me because like if they don't remember me yeah if i'm go if i'm spending time and vibing with this animal if i go swimming with a dolphin we have a beautiful magical time and then i just see like i go back in like two years i'm like remember me and they're just like who the fuck are you yeah that would hurt my feelings so that's the reason yep okay you do that with humans and i care less about humans right i mean it sounds like you don't but you don't like animals I like animals but like I don't want to get too attached to them because then who's asking you to get attached you're fucking swimming with a dolphin me right I'm asking myself to get attached um yeah I don't know I haven't swung two I think I struck out that might have been three swung swung here's my question for you is there any animal that you could spend a night with that you're opening up the checkbook and it's just like blank check check what's blank check because i'm not okay a thousand dollars that was way higher than that oh five thousand dollars yeah i'm paying five thousand dollars to like if you can guarantee that a panda won't hurt me and like we'll just cuddle five g's could get me for more depending on like the day and i don't want like i've seen people like in rooms like one night Me and him In a yurt I've seen In a yurt Yeah dude You're putting this thing Outside of it's Natural habitat It's gonna be dying in that thing Don't they sleep outside They're fucking animals What are you gonna put them In a hotel Isn't a yurt like Meant to be like a hot box It's like a Teepee Can you say that What Teepee I don't know Why are you saying that I've heard people Say that before They're like Don't say that Don't say teepee Yurt Sure Yeah, you did the right thing.

56:36Going glamping with a panda, fine. Ooh, in a rainforest. Okay. You're talking about taking them out of their natural habitat now. Aren't there rainforests in Japan? I actually have no idea what habitat they live in. I'm just thinking of, like, what's the movie? Tropic Thunder. Yeah. Where he's, like, in a rainforest, and then he fights a panda and kills it. Right. if you can guarantee my safety i would pay i'm gonna run through a couple animals and you tell me like if you would pay the five thousand dollars a night all right instance i'm only doing one night magical night all right a giant wolf and by the way none of these animals will hurt you right right right uh wolf no Velociraptor No, ew Dinosaurs are fucking gross Stegosaurus Gross Triceratops?

57:39All of them Wow, okay

57:44A baby elephant Big elephant's too much No, I'm paying that, yeah You're paying that? Yeah, yeah, yeah Grizzly, polar, black Dumb question, don't even Of course, all of them lion and or tiger without question a tiger is so up on my list dude dude i love time i also like in addition to like look a tiger in its fucking face in addition to being cool animals the design top tier animal design whoever whomever created these animals i want to take a tiger by its head and just stare at it and have it look at me for like an afternoon that picture of the tiger like fishing underwater. You know that picture.

58:27Yes. That's one of the greatest pictures I think that has ever existed in human existence. I'd let a tiger kill me. I think I'd let a tiger kill me. If you were to ask me like how could I go out? Let the tiger eat the fuck out of me. Let the tiger go. But like sedate me. I don't want to be awake because that thing that would be bad. I would just shoot Novocaine into all my extremities and then like let it chew on my arm. Again, I said that. Sedate me. oh i was thinking sedation like you're kind of like out of it oh sure yeah i just i want to be there i want to watch you want to you want to watch this thing on your jugular yeah gotcha not my jugular like get my arm so we're on the same page novocaine is mostly for like external you know like skin level stuff like this thing bites you you're gonna suffocate and die it's gonna be a lot of novocaine we're gonna have to break the bank yeah but it would be cool to to have just the last thing you see is just a lion just a lot a tiger staring at you and then just i don't know i don't know bite your head we have a different if you were to say like yo listen you're you're on your way out but we want you want to go out in a cool like radical way tiger fight tiger fight yeah like put me with like the liam neeson like glass bottles around my fists and let me fist fight a tiger i'm dying every single do you know what i think about a lot the scene in tarzan where he where like the tiger comes or like the cheetah whatever and it's like fucking with the the apes and then tarzan shows up and he like wins or whatever fuck he's fighting or blah blah blah but i think about the opposite right i think about if i'm walking around and a fucking uh like a leopard is trying to attack me and then a gorilla saves my life super sick first of all that gorilla would have wasted its time because that is the greatest thing that would ever happen i would just walk over and kill myself because like it's not going to get better than that also how fucking strong was tarzan he fucking full-on clean like this fucking leopard cheetah whatever it was over his head like from a squat position unbelievable stuff strong strong guy's strong guy's strong i guess it makes sense the swing from the vines this guy's lats are probably oh my god dude sculpted out of marble the calisthenics yeah and then i mean like you just think about like the amount of leg strength he needs to just swing yeah you know first of all you're holding on to a vine your whole body with your toes get up and he's just like bro and like swing his core his core this guy is probably shredded of all the disney characters tarzan's got to be the most shredded right he's beating the shit out of all of them dude well who's beating the shit out of tarzan you could argue gaston gaston's getting his ass standing the beast i'm talking the human ones i guess technically was a beast i mean that would be a close one what other human gaston's getting his fucking little fancy asshole whooped it's crazy you thought about gaston's asshole enough to call it fancy i'm just he wears those little fancy pants i think they were just traditional like pants for the time yeah that's what i mean tarzan doesn't even have pants doesn't need them probably should slap the dog shit out of probably wear pants that's the other thing is like you're in the jungle and this thing is swinging and you look up and you're just seeing tarzan's fucking coin purse and dingle gong yeah you just yeah you're getting the whole fucking thing yeah you gotta think about the box we're off track now um anyway uh we should probably talk about something pretty important and that is light strike

1:02:22that hurt i don't even know what you said it hurt my throat guys uh light strike okay this is a hard refresher you've seen it on the show before okay you've been stricken by the light if you guys haven't been stricken by the light actually yet i don't know what you're waiting for because this is a hard refresher it is refreshing and it's hard meaning that it has some alcohol in it It's 5 % alcohol, so you've got to be 21 in order to get it. But it's a hard refresher, and it is lovely. It's gluten-free, non-carbonated sea salt, 10 % coconut water. So it is good, man. I like this stuff on a hot summer day.

1:03:01It is beautiful. It's an excellent source of 5 % fucking alcohol. So go follow at Drink Light Strike. All right. And get stricken, get stricken by the light there. All right. So go follow them at drinklightstrike or go to drinklightstrike.com and get yourself a little bottle. Go get yourself a hard refresher and enjoy that. All right, folks. And lastly, here we have SeatGeek. Okay. SeatGeek is a ticketing app. So you go on the app store, you download SeatGeek and it will get you tickets to anything. You want to come to a basement yard show? We're probably on SeatGeek. I actually ended up looking up the basement yard, and there were some tickets on there, and I was like, that's kind of crazy that we're on this app that I've been promoting for years, but anyway, if you want to go to anyone's concert, you want to go to a baseball game or whatever this summer, you can get those tickets through SeatGeek.

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1:04:31There you go. Very good. I don't know if you saw. Congratulations are in order. to whom? Us. Kind of more me than you, but we're a package deal. Um. We take a lot of pride, if I can be serious for a sec, we take a lot of pride in what we do here. we often have people tell us the difference we've made in their lives making them smile, happy help them get through tough times and stuff like that so being able to do something that is going to make a difference to just one person is a luxury it's beautiful, very meaningful to us getting to save something that is a staple of the community I know where this is going now is how many times you're going to bring up red lobster you didn't even go to a red lobster you didn't buy any red lobster silence crickets crickets even i can hear crickets and gnats flying out of your mouth because you haven't gone to red lobster i had not gotten the opportunity to go yet but i have a gift card that they sent me waiting in my waiting amongst my gift cards also discrediting the 35 year old ceo that's actually doing all the work that's fucked up Yeah, by the way, let's make this very clear.

1:05:52He's a very successful black man, also racist then. Wait, how the hell did he— Racist, racist, racist. This guy clearly did a very, very difficult thing. While other of these, like, chain restaurants are failing, he brought Red Lobster out of bankruptcy. But we also helped save the company. We also helped—I mean, if you think it's just me that's saying this, look at the dozens of people tweeting at us saying like frank did it the dozen yeah dozens a baker's dozens of people tweeting at us saying like wow you guys actually did this it's this good word of mouth helps promote support i do want to get one of those seafood uh seafood boil bags they have like bags yeah why did you say c4 at first i don't even know to see foil is what i was gonna say yeah i would listen red lobsters remained a staple in my family do you know what i saw he did an interview recently out of the whole lobster lobster the whole crab like industry or whatever the fuck uh like the market red lobster purchases a quarter of that that's crazy that's that is buh nannies well you also have to think about the fact that there are at this point dozens you know how many do you think are left in the united states red lobsters 70 i don't even know how to i would even come up with a guess i mean because remember they had to close down a bunch yeah but i don't even know how many there were let's say are you making up numbers i'm guessing right i'm guessing at least one per state some states having more than one you know okay um so let's let's say for roundabout you could look this up honestly yeah but let's say there's 70 red lobsters left in the united states think about the amount of lobsters that they have and they're open seven days a week so let's say they sell five lobsters a day 35 lobsters per location that's not even crab and shrimps times 70 35 times 70 is what 200 they have 520 that's a couple that is so many as of july 2025 red lobster operates approximately 520 restaurants across the united states okay so 520 they sell let's let's use more round numbers 10 lobsters a day it's way more than that 5200 a day times seven which is something that's a lot it's something i know it's a number it's a it's it's a number for it is a number so let's say 40 000 lobsters a week that's nuts that's crazy that's crazy i imagine that you You like lobster tail?

1:08:52Listen. You listening? I've got no choice. Crab? Yeah. Shrimp?

1:09:04Lobster's that low? Lobster's low. I like a lobster roll, but like these people - Yeah! I've never - Cold or hot? Either or. I'm fine with both. Make a decision. Hot? Yeah. I like hot too. With parsley and butter on top? Not just butter. All of the butter. And mayonnaise sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like when they butter the bread, the bun is mayoed up. But I have not in my life done the whole, you get a lobster on a platter and it comes out full lobster. I need to do that before I die. And start breaking its hands. Yeah, like you take a hammer and you crack open a claw. Yeah, I saw someone boiling a lobster the other day, and I don't have that in me.

1:09:55I wouldn't be able to cut its head off or whatever they do. I don't think they cut his head off. Well, they cut his head in half. Do they? Yeah, they take the knife and they put it down, and then they come down on its face. I saw that with the crab. I didn't see that with the lobster. With the lobster, yeah. Oh, wow. No, with the crab. I thought the thing that they do with crustaceans to make it more humane... You're still killing them, by the way. You have to kill them. Well, no, the one that I saw is that they'll put them in like ice water. Yeah, like an ice bath first. And it basically brings their heart rate to like as close to zero as you can get without killing them.

1:10:31And then you throw them into hot water. Oh, I think you got to kill them and then do that. Oh, maybe. Otherwise, you just heat them up. Then you just heat them back up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God. Yeah, no, fucked up, dude. Like I wouldn't be able to. And I watched the video of someone doing it and they were crying. So it was pretty funny. Oh. But like, yeah, they were crying. Have you ever taken, not a bug, an animal's life? Do you count putting down my dog? I mean, I didn't do it. I'm counting like with your own hands and free will. Have I killed an animal? Yes. What's an animal?

1:11:06An animal, not a bug. No. Okay. Have you? Yeah, that mouse years ago. yeah no i haven't killed a mouse that was that scared me that you did that i was protecting my family hey you were spiking the mouse and like your family was well protected once you had it in custody i can't explain i i in hindsight fully acknowledge that that was ridiculous of me just so we're on the same page we are but without even being a bit at the time i felt this intense need to protect my family from a mouse yeah they can spread disease which could be very harmful and at the time i'm aware of that ruby was very young that first year of a child's life could be very very very detrimental to their health okay none of this is an excuse for when you grab a mouse and you spike it well we were playing a good old-fashioned game of you know Spike the Mouse Remember that movie Mouse Hunt Great movie Underrated Nathan Lane and Crispin Glover I think It was Nathan Lane I don't know the other guy Good movie Go watch it I like it I think they'd like it How the fuck did they get that mouse To do shit It was a CGI mouse Was it You think it was a real mouse Making sandwiches on a toothpick No That kind of shit Sure But like There was like a real mouse In a lot of those scenes Oh like they get him to run from one area to another i don't know they've been training animals in hollywood for years you kidding me sandwich ratatouille how did he do it right well that movie it's that is a cream of the crop remind me i gotta tell you something after we're done recording cream of the crop but like yeah they train the mouse it's not that hard i'm not even kidding like at the time i didn't feel like it felt like this was the thing i needed to do to to protect my family and I understand protection for family is not necessarily like I kill someone for you it's also like mental physical you know emotional protection but in that moment I saw red I reverted back to whatever caveman I have been a descendant of and I spiked that mouse into the garbage that's so crazy but you had it you could have like let it no no no it was on a glue trap it was dead if anything that's even worse no if anything i did it a favor oh you're a hero for psychotically spiking a mouse first of all this thing would have died the worst death in the world oh so you are a hero i i don't know if hero is the right word if that's the terminology you want to you know label it as hey man yeah your words oh i saved this mouse no i didn't save it i I put it out of its misery.

1:13:57You like it. You are bloodlusted. I put it out. You are out for blood. You wanted to hear it crack. That's you. Um, I, there is no difference between you having put your dog down and out of its misery so it didn't suffer and me spiking that mouse into the garbage. One is done in a humane way. The other is done in a spiking motion. While it's already trapped. We could sit here and pick. Your family is saved. We could sit here. No, because then he calls to his mouse boys. what would you rather me do what would you rather me do shoot it with a gun no inject it with a sleeping agent that would be nice I didn't have any sleeping agents on me that day I don't know I can't do it I just don't look I've thought about like what happens if like a dog bites one of my kids and won't let go yeah you gotta You got to, like, kick it.

1:14:58I will kick it, hold it, Becca, grab the kid, and I will have to prove my fatherhood. What does that mean? I don't know how I'm going to react in those moments. I hope it never happens. Knock on wood. What are you going to, like, rip its head off or something? I don't know. Let's see what happens. I think you're a sick man. I don't think I'm sick. I think you're sick. I think you're sick. You really think I'm sick? Sick. You really think I'm sick? Yes. You're a sick man. Really? Yeah. Seriously? Yes. Like, not a bit. Sick. The sickest I've ever seen. Disgusting. I think you know that I have a good heart.

1:15:39Like, I'm not a sick person. Yeah, it's your head that I'm worried about. Your heart's there. Your head is interfering with the heart. Joey, let me ask you a question. It makes you sickness. You have a beautiful child. Yeah. Well, you asked me this recently. Little walrus. you asked me this and I said that I would fight the dog off I would kick the dog you'd kick the dog but then it gets off and it comes back and it comes back and it comes back for more I get in the way and I fight it again and then it keeps coming back once it's off of my child and then it keeps coming back yeah and I keep fighting it until?

1:16:11until I can get away from it but you can't get away why not? it's coming after you

1:16:21I'm not going to kill a dog with my hands. What are you expecting me to say here? I don't know. I'm not expecting you to say that. I think you are. You have a sick look in your eyes. No, no, no. And you tried to make me jump in the sick tank.

1:16:35The sick tank. Take a swim. The water's nice. How do you swim? Take a swim. I haven't swam at night in a while and I really like that. Come on over, baby. That was way too sexual. I meant like, come hang out. You are sick, aren't you? Come hang out. No. We'll have wine by... You're making this worse. We'll have wine. We'll skinny dip at night. There will be a lot of people around, and we'll make it a big night swing. Is there lights in your pool? There are. I haven't figured out how to turn them on yet. Figure it out. Is there not a switch? There might be. I haven't found it. Got it. Okay. Is it like a bunch of colors?

1:17:16I hate that. No, it's just... White. Yeah. I know your favorite. I know. myself up for that yeah you don't like the mix of all those yeah yeah different colors right well some people you'll come over like and their pool lights on it's like red i'm like the fuck is this yeah no i i mean maybe i would do that is it heated it's heated i mean it's hot as fuck out but it's not getting it's not boiling water joey i don't want to swim in like 90 degrees I think my heater is currently set to 80. Too hot. You're sick. It needs to be at a certain temperature for the salt to kick in. Salt. Why'd you say that?

1:18:00I don't know. I don't know. I will say this, though. It feels like salt water. When I go in the water and my hair dries up, it feels like when you're at the beach. Oh, like it's like a little coarse? A little more coarse and grainy. You know, a lot of people, and I didn't know this until recently, a lot of people use salt water to, like, style their hair. I used to. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's cool. It's like a, I think, yeah, like, you just, I mean, that's what it says, like, sea salt water. I don't know if it's just that. I think there's other shit in there, too. Yeah, I don't know. They just spray it.

1:18:33It's like, oh, you just, like, a surfer just got back from the beach. It smells really good, too. I do like the smell because it smells like the beach. Yeah, dude. Have you ever heard the saying that apparently the beach makes you crap your pants? What? Yeah. Why would that? I don't know why, but there's a... Like a saying? Like an old wives' tale. Yeah. That like, if you're constipated, go to the beach, like the salt water in the air will like cut through you and it'll make you shit your pants. I'm just like, you know. I mean, I've never had that happen. Neither have I. I've never been at the beach and like, yo, big trouble.

1:19:09Neither have I. what would you do dig a hole I mean go find a bathroom but if you can't then you just dig a hole that's so crazy have you ever seen the people that bring like bathroom like stand up tents to the beach bro get it together these people what are we doing some people need the convenience of a bathroom right there so nuts you're taking a crap I'm right here I'm right here on the beach What's the difference between someone going behind a door and taking a crap and going in a tent and zipping it up and taking a crap? It's not on the beach. Whether it be on the beach or right next to you, what's the difference?

1:19:49There isn't a bathroom right on the beach. It's like on the boardwalk. Correct. That's the difference. Correct. The difference is I'm laying out here in minimal clothing and you're taking a shit into the wind and it's hitting me in the face. I guess. That's not great. Also, those little outhouses. They're in a tent. Dude, when I was in Washington, we stayed on this dude's property, and he had to provide a bathroom, and he had one of these zip-up things. And it was just two buckets. That's crazy. And one bucket had a toilet seat on it, and then a bag in it. And then the other had a bag and a bunch of sawdust.

1:20:31And he's like, yo, you go in, you shit in this thing, and then you throw sawdust in it, and you close it. and then you wrap it up. That's actually really smart because that guy probably uses that as fertilizer. I don't, I don't know if he does. I imagine that would be kind of bananas. If I'm not doing this, but if I were to have like some form of human shit collection, some sort of collection, that would be the smart thing to do. Mix it with a material like sawdust or, or leaves. is so i've heard that before that human shit is like a fertilizer but like is it just that like you don't have to like like there's not other ingredients in fertilizer it's just straight i mean manure is manure it's just cow shit yeah is it yeah people fertilize their lawns with cow shit it's been happening for but that don't make the whole hood stink yeah it does you smell that shit but i don't hate it I really don't hate cow horseshit.

1:21:35Horseshit? Cow shit? I love it. Horseshit's the greatest shit. I love the smell of horseshit. Honestly, even like any animals crap at a farm. Because that's what you're smelling. You're smelling their shit. I like the smell of shit at a farm. And I don't want to smell like horseshit. But I want to smell horseshit. I don't want to. But also, I'm fine that it's contained to a farm. Like, I don't need to smell it all the time. Like, if they had like horseshit candles. I would light it. Really? Not all the time, just on special days. I wonder if they have, like, a farm candle. Like a farm candle that smells like an old sheep and, like, a pile of horse shit, dude.

1:22:16I'm lighting that up. On my birthday? For sure. Like, definitely on my birthday. They have, like, I'm only finding ones that are, like, they smell, like, they're made at a farm. Farm smelling candles is what we want. It's that hot of a take because people like the smell of fresh cut grass. That's one of the five greatest smells on the planet. I like that too. I heard one time recently, though, something that made me sad. Is that what you're smelling is a scent that the grass is giving off to warn its other grass friends that it's being attacked. Bit late for that. Yeah. Wait, what? Is that real?

1:22:59That's what I've heard, yeah. damn dude um homesick candles free plug for them i guess i'm trying to find i don't see any they have a more time looking it up they have a harry potter collection of candles that's all for you joey gonna smell like hermione smell like ronald weasley like an old boat you could smell like the gryffindor common room you wouldn't want to i wouldn't even know what it smells like It could be anything. Old books, leather. Love an old book smell. Oh, my God. I wish I could smell the first Bible. Oh, it probably stinks. It probably stinks so good. The first Bible, an old Bible.

1:23:41Oh, my God. I would just... Oh, it would be so good. First of all, if you did that to one of the pages... They'd explode. Dust. I would... I've put my nose up against the... Not the spine. Like the inside, the ass crack. Like the, yeah. Well, no, no, yeah. You've eaten the ass of a book. You know what I've done before that's underrated? You open a book and there's this little gap that forms at the spine. Oh! You put your finger in and you slam the book on your own finger. It's great. It's a great exercise. I love it. My gasp was because I thought that was going in a really different direction.

1:24:17What? I thought you were going to, like, smell the book there. I've done that. I've literally put my nose against like all the pages and then like smashed the book on my nose. Dude, I'm an idiot with books. I swear to God, I'm a weird fuck with books. I don't know why. You've spent more time smelling them than reading them. Without question. Without question. But I hear what you're saying. Like, bro, and if it's like, I'm telling you right now, here we are in book porn, by the way. Oh my God. If it's like a book from like the 60s and the pages have like browned and they get like, you know what?

1:24:52color I'm talking about it's like a manila browning of the pages oh my god and then you oh and it's a paperback book and you open it and you just shove your fucking you eat the ass of that fucking book and it's like oh I do I I like that a lot it's so good oh my god book smell you know what you know what smell what is that what is the smell what is it who cares don't don't try to figure it out because someone's gonna try to make it and they're gonna fucking ruin it for i'm sure they've already made it textbooks though you're not a real book textbooks that have that like suck that have that like shiny ew shimmering you know what i'm talking about right it's like a sheen on the pages it's paper but it's like plastic yeah it's like oh fuck you textbooks i hate that um oh you know what i like you know when books have like a a painted edge of the page like gold and it's kind of like they like and then it all lines up you know what's really good you know what's really good by the way do you remember ricardo's mom used to write his name on the pages on the pages in the spine and he'd go like that and like it was like magic they would like both ways it would say his name oh and you would bend it and say ricardo and then it'd say his last name almost at it but like it would do that you could say it we we let muhammad's name go earlier yeah one of those names is significantly more common than the other go find a muhammad But You know what smell also gets me?

1:26:17New shoes Tennis balls New shoes Tennis balls Yeah tennis balls are good I like I like I like What do I like? Okay But like It's not glue It's just the collection of school supplies. And they all have a stick. Mostly crayons. It's crayons, but it's mixed with the glue and it's mixed with the inside of a pencil case. Gotcha, gotcha. You beat me to it. If you were to take 2001, let's go 2002. There were some other stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a rough year. Little Joey's five-star pencil case. and you were to zip it open, hold it open, and then just sniff in there. Yeah. Crack cocaine, folks.

1:27:18Yeah, it is. Let me tell you. I love that shit. I, a million times, if they made pencil case flavored candles. I also have chewed on a bunch of erasers my whole life. We've talked about that. We've talked about that a lot. Love that. Yeah. You're a big fan. I used to poke, I used to sharpen my pencils and like poke the eraser and then break it off in there. So I was just like It's like I stabbed it Not helping the whole I'm sick thing And then I would Like I was fucking Dr. Frankenstein I would break the eraser And then staple it together What do you get out of that? You would rip the eraser apart And then staple it back together Yeah I've never done that Yeah I didn't even know you could do that Or what about those Fucking fancy erasers That came with like the paper sleeve around it like the big pink ones no the big white ones oh yeah yeah pink ones are peak human design love them absolutely incredible still like how does it how does it work every so often you would get a pencil and the eraser is like covered in like this like weird yesterday it happened to me and you're like and then it starts putting pink on the and i'm like bro what the fuck you know that happened to me yesterday i was hanging something up in the house and i put a line and I went to go erase it and it was like a fucking wet eraser like it was like melted yeah and it was all over the wall so I had to go fucking clean the wall I was pissed off hate this shit dude but anyway folks no no no there you have it let's keep talking let's just keep going about what whatever whatever you want to talk about what do you what you watching anything good love island oh so no yeah okay I think yeah I just watched iron heart you should watch it it's pretty good what is that iron heart it's the new marvel show oh i thought you're talking about iron claw watch that that was good different reasons a lot of sue in that that gotcha that gotcha a couple times yeah what else i have nothing frank and it seems like neither do you oh okay well there you have it folks no Look, like we said, fucking biggest show of our lives.

1:29:38The boys are at Madison Square Garden. Fucking July 16th, 11 a.m. at TheBaseMeyard.com. The code is NYCF. Go get your tickets. We need everyone to show up for us. Fucking sell this bitch out. Go out with a bang. You know what I mean? Bang. Oh, this is going to be... Go out with a bang and do the background. We're going to go out with a bang. I thought you were going to say bang. Oh, I'll do it again. Go ahead. Madison Square Garden, July 16th, pre-sale at 11 a.m. Code is NYCF at TheBasementYard.com. Get your tickets. The boys are going out with a bang. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! That was a good explosion.

1:30:24That was the best explosion I've ever done with my mouth. I can't believe I said that. That's crazy. I can't believe I often that's where we're gonna end no no guys basemear.com July 16th fucking get em alright and that is all see you guys next time next time

1:31:00Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalk, and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs premieres Wednesday on ABC. And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. Hello, Superman.