In short
This episode of The Basement Yard is a freewheeling conversation that starts with board-game trivia and “myth vs reality” (Clue, the Whispering Gallery at Grand Central Station, secret tunnels and speakeasy-like routes). They then spiral into movie-fueled fantasies about treasure hunts and booby traps (National Treasure, Indiana Jones, The Mummy), including torch/lantern ASMR and whether ancient booby traps were real. A major segment debates clowns: whether “clown school” is real (they cite Steve-O’s claim it’s harder to get into than Harvard), clown salaries, and how figures like John Wayne Gacy and Insane Clown Posse hurt clowns’ reputations. They also discuss locust/grasshopper “phase change” science and joke about “juggalo” culture. Near the end, they react to a viral wedding-crash/prank scenario and argue it would be selfish and devastating if staged by the groom.
Guests
No named guests appear in the transcript; it’s just the hosts (including “Mr. Green/Frank/Joey” voices).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOClue and Board Games Discussion
0:10 to 1:10
Hosts discuss their experiences with the game Clue and other childhood games.
“In the conservatory with the candlestick.”
Planetarium Memories
1:10 to 2:30
The hosts reminisce about visiting planetariums as children and the unique experiences they had.
Whispering Gallery in Grand Central
2:30 to 3:50
Discussion about the acoustics of Grand Central Station and its Whispering Gallery.
“No, I'm saying like you would want it to be real.”
Secret Tunnels and Hidden Places
3:50 to 5:50
Hosts explore the idea of secret tunnels and hidden locations in cities.
“Back in the day, they'd be like, oh, this whore is over there with her ankles out.”
Secrets and Society
5:50 to 8:00
A discussion on the nature of secrets in society, including secret societies and government secrets.
“Dude, that's one of the reasons why I love the 90s Addams Family movie.”
National Treasure and Movie Treasures
8:00 to 10:00
Conversation about the movie National Treasure and the idea of treasure hunting.
“Why were we even worked up about it in the first place?”
The Allure of Hidden Treasures
10:00 to 11:40
Hosts share their fantasies about discovering hidden treasures and the adventures that come with it.
“This is why people can't be ha-ha funny jokesters anymore.”
ASMR and Treasure Hunting Sounds
11:40 to 14:01
Discussion on the sensory experiences associated with treasure hunting and sounds from movies.
“But like the whole point of why he's stealing it is because he knows someone else is going to try and steal it.”
Exploring Torches and Clown School
14:01 to 16:10
The hosts discuss various aspects of torches, movies, and the concept of clown school.
“Yo, listen, for all you torch horners out there, horny torch people, I'm in the club.”
Beliefs About Clowns and Clown School
16:10 to 20:40
They explore common misconceptions about clowns, the difficulty of clown school, and personal anecdotes related to clowns.
“And I also believe I'm not even going to lie to you.”
Show all 29 chapters
The Life of a Clown
20:40 to 26:05
Discussion on the challenges faced by clowns, including their earnings and emotional impact.
“But yeah, I didn't know that you were a juggalo adjacent.”
The Cultural Impact of Clowns
26:05 to 28:01
The hosts talk about the societal perception of clowns, referencing famous clowns and their effects on the image of clowning.
“I think it's like a story of an Italian sad clown.”
The Evolution of Clowns
28:01 to 29:44
Discussing how the perception of clowns has changed over time.
“So why would why would people still want to be like go?”
The Evolution of Clowns
29:45 to 30:45
Discussing how the perception of clowns has changed over time.
“brings all the amazing services of the post office right to your fingertips with stamps.com.”
The Evolution of Clowns
32:14 to 32:24
Discussing how the perception of clowns has changed over time.
“So again, that is squarespace.com slash basement to save 10 % off of your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement.”
The Evolution of Clowns
32:25 to 33:21
Discussing how the perception of clowns has changed over time.
“Cause I'm gonna baby patreon.com slash the basement yard.”
The Evolution of Clowns
33:38 to 34:16
Discussing how the perception of clowns has changed over time.
“and, you know, all you got to do is go to the web browser version, you know, patreon.com slash the basement yard.”
Crazy Wedding Crashers
34:17 to 35:39
Reacting to a video of a wedding crash and discussing the implications.
“cgi-ing anything in your hands you can put a duck right here no josh you got this um oh look here Here, put a little penguin right here or something.”
The Aftermath of Wedding Crashes
35:40 to 42:05
Exploring the potential fallout of a wedding crash prank.
“I'm not going to tell you the hook to the video.”
Wedding Prank Gone Wrong
42:05 to 45:17
A discussion on a disastrous prank at a wedding and its repercussions.
“Now you're going crazy now with the batting around.”
Wedding Prank Gone Wrong
45:19 to 45:45
A discussion on a disastrous prank at a wedding and its repercussions.
“The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money.”
Contemplating Bad Wedding Speeches
45:46 to 50:22
A humorous examination of cringe-worthy wedding speeches and their implications.
“If I was the bride and everyone else in the room knew but me, that's horrific.”
Dark Web and Fruity Pebbles
53:20 to 56:00
Lighthearted banter about the dark web and a new quirky beverage.
“What's the, like, I mean, I think we actually recently spoke about this, so never mind.”
Cereal Confessions and Bedtime Battles
56:00 to 59:00
Discover the hosts' humorous takes on children's bedtime routines and the challenges of indulging in sugary cereals.
“You know how like people closet smoke cigarettes in their house?”
Elf on the Shelf: The Christmas Challenge
59:00 to 1:02:00
Learn about the creative and sometimes stressful experience of managing Elf on the Shelf antics during the holidays.
“Not to get to Christmas in July, but Elf on a Shelf.”
The Magic of Santa: Tricks and Traditions
1:02:00 to 1:05:50
Explore the imaginative ways parents maintain the magic of Santa for their children and share personal stories that highlight the experience.
“Looking back, it was very scary, actually.”
Creative Parenting: Building Holiday Magic
1:05:50 to 1:08:50
Engage with the hosts as they share their inventive methods for creating holiday magic that delights their children.
“And I'm like, I don't remember because I was asleep.”
The Transition to Social Media
1:10:10 to 1:10:20
Frank shares where listeners can find him on social media.
Show Closing and Gratitude
1:10:40 to 1:11:05
The hosts express thanks to their audience and wrap up the episode.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Welcome back to the basement yard. Welcome back to the basement yard. How you doing, Mr. Green? How you doing, Mr. Green? Mr. Green. In the conservatory with the candlestick. Colonel Green? Fuck that game. Colonel Mustard. Who's Mr. Green? Fuck that mustard, Colonel. Who's the Green guy? Green. The Green... I don't know. I haven't played Clue in God knows how long. Professor Plum. Are they all colors? I don't think I've ever properly played Clue. Like how How do you know who's killing who I don't know You know what I remember playing Do any of you guys remember the Are you afraid of the dark board game from the 90s No I remember Well yeah you're too young we get it You're only 20 years old you fucking Why are you wearing aviators inside I thought I'd put on something nice By the way ant cam Ant cam It's the ant cam It's the ant cam If the ant cam cam can the cannon cam and can't came cam and cam anyway uh yeah i like green oh we're skipping over your clue yeah i never properly played it me neither it is i still don't even know what a conservatory is i think that's where you like look at stuff that's an observatory i think you're right you're 100 you know what i like a planetarium oh man you might have one of those in your house one day a planetarium yeah where you just have like a planets yeah i could see you getting like a light in the middle of the room and you and you like it just shows the stars and you can just look up and be like there's orion's belt what was that shit that we used to climb into when we were children it was like the bubble right the little i think it was called the planetarium we would go into the basement of our school we'd all climb into a bubble and sit in we would sit crisscross applesauce very close very close uh it was got me that hard i um we would sit crystal we'd sit crypts crops and then and then it would project the like the stars and stuff yeah and then they they always did the thing where they were just like if you whisper over there the person across can hear it because of how like it it it shaped i don't believe that oh no it it 100 you know what else is like that too grand central station they're like uh if you go at parts of grand central station You can literally go to one end of the room and whisper, and the other person on the other side can hear it as clear as day.
2:30I guarantee you that's fake. No, it's a real thing. I guarantee it. What are you shaking your head? It's real. You've done it? No. I've done it. But I've seen it. I've done it, and it is real. I don't believe you. You want it to be real. Why would I want whispering to be real? Because you are a child. I mean, at heart. Do I get offended by that or not? I don't think so. I'm asking you, Ann. A big part of your personality. No, I think you're good. You like that. I do. I do. I kind of like that. Okay, fine. But you said it in a derogatory way. That I don't like. No, I'm saying like you would want it to be real.
3:02So it's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess. You're telling me you go to an opposite end of Grand Central Station and I'm going to hear you whisper? Yeah, I promise. Even with all the hubbub? Yeah. Not the hubbub. What's it called? Hubbub? Hubbub. Hubbub? Hullabaloo. Hullabaloo? Is it baloo or hullabaloo? Something similar to that happened to my family at a restaurant. They were complaining about a waiter, and because of the arch of the room, the waiter heard everything they said from across. This isn't something I believe in. You don't need to believe in it. It's true. Okay. Things can exist beyond your comprehension.
3:36I mean, it happens every single day. What happens every day? Things exist beyond your comprehension. Bra-engine. um i like you can't comprehend the like astrophysics but it exists same with me i mean i'm not saying like you're i'm not like i'm exempt from it we're both in the same category just because we can't get it doesn't mean it's not real i i'm not acknowledging that like i'm 100 correct it's one of those things that like i'll have to experience it and then i'll believe It's literally called the Whispering Gallery in Grand Central Station. Yeah. So, like, people would go in there. What does that mean?
4:16Back in the day, they'd be like, oh, this whore is over there with her ankles out. And then people would be like, I heard that, you whispering bitch. I mean, they give names to shit all the time. I mean, that's the proof that we have that it's called that? I mean, I didn't know. I'll be honest. It kind of makes it cool that they called it the Whispering Gallery. Yeah. Because if it was just called, like, there's, like, secret, like, restaurants and shit in Grand Central. Do you know all about this stuff? I know there's like secret trains. Well, that I don't care about. I'm talking like there's like secret bars and restaurants and shit.
4:49Speakeasies? But they're not really speakeasies. They just like you need to go through one to get to the other and shit like that. My uncle randomly brought me once. And he was because like this is not what I'm saying. You just described a speakeasy. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. It's not a speakeasy. You got to like go through a door. It's just weird. Like, yo, like down there, it's like a maze. Like there's like ways to get to like buildings, streets away without ever going on to the street level. Like it's it's very strange. Yeah. They made it for like, you know, like politicians back in the day.
5:25They'd be like, John D. Rockefeller doesn't want to get up to the street. So he needs to walk under this building. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, wouldn't that be nice to be so successful one day that you could just go down a secret tunnel? I love secret tunnels. Oh, man. A secret tunnel would scare me because it's still a tunnel, dude. Tunnels freak me out a little bit. If it was just like a – I like secret shortcuts. Like someone's house, you go and you pull a book and a door opens. Love that. Oh, yeah. Love that. Dude, that's one of the reasons why I love the 90s Addams Family movie. when they like go and there's like a slide or casper dude when she sits in a chair oh i love that that's why listen listen listen listen listen listen that movie is great that scene every little kid at that time is just like that's everything i want in life right there it like brushes her teeth and shit it like cracks an egg brushes teeth washes face blow dries yeah just does all the cool shit yeah all the cool shit little roller coaster the entire time i will say this i don't think i can say where it was because i will probably get in trouble when i worked at my old job i went for a case that i had to work i went underneath a building and the underground tunnel system is like crazy like back tunnels under and in places that you would never even imagine damn yeah i want to do i want to be in on the secret there's cool secrets that you're not a part of i want to be like i want to yeah i do want to be in on it i feel fomo now you would have definitely i know you say you would know but you definitely would have joined a fraternity in in college there's nothing secretive there are secrets they call it the secret society bro you're all right there and you're all idiots no no no there's like you there's like different like meanings and stuff to things that like are secrets that's not a secret to me i mean but it is by definition it's a secret all right well you don't know me in order for me to be well no see see that's why you're talking down i was never spanked i was never uh hazed or bullied you know there are people that were and i i sympathize with those people but you could join those things and not have that awful stuff happen to you and then you could be in on the secrets like i know secrets that you don't know yeah do you know do you know yeah you you don't know them right so they're secrets cool if i don't know them how can i be excited about not knowing because i you know that they exist but you don't know what they are yeah but they could be not worth me knowing like there's like secrets like the secrets are like the government you know like you need to be okay with like you know some secrets about the government personally no but i'm saying like there's like secret files and stuff you know lists that may or may not exist So they say Well you know what you're talking about Yeah exactly What the hell Jeffy what happened You know that guy was He was totally fine There was no one on the list That list he got convicted for and with What the list What the fuck are you talking about I don't vaguely remember someone bringing it up But I've never heard or seen one You guys believe that There's a list of names Wait so you're going to tell me these people that may or may not have been documented as a hanging out with this evil person might have been on another list yeah right dude i don't even know where you got that what like you don't even you don't think for you know what you're brainwashed by the media and into believing that this thing that's obviously like makes sense to exist existed as soon as Trump was like, forget about this stuff.
9:11I went, yeah. Yeah. Why were we even worked up about it in the first place? We're idiots. Wait a second. He didn't even, like, what list, dude? Why did I even care about that to begin with? Oh, that list that you said that he was going to expose? It's a fake thing that never happened, dude. Why would I even care? If you believe that, let me guess. You also don't believe that they were eating kids in pizza places. Oh It was a joke link on guy. It was a common on guys who else doesn't run and get elected as leader of the free world on jokes On now now this all Liberals don't like Joe Oh my. See, this is why we said we can't joke around anymore.
10:00This is why people can't be ha-ha funny jokesters anymore. Comedy is dead. Elon said it. He's right. And he's so right. And who knows better about comedy than Elon Musk? Elon Musk, the comedian of all the worlds. Come on. Comedy is dead. You know, like it's gone. So what? Anyway. So now Trump makes a joke and everyone is so serious. What list? I stopped caring. How is it important? What could be on there that could expose anyone that we have elected or known of? Like what? So there was an island and maybe there was some foul play. So what? A couple of fellas. Certain people in power went to hang out in the tropic.
10:47Okay, so what? Can't go on vacation? Oh, now vacation's illegal. Now we can't go on vacation. We got to donate all our money. We're not allowed to go on vacation anymore. Oh, okay. So if I'm not donating half of my net worth, then I'm on this supposed list. That's what it is. Gotcha. Anyway, back to these secret tunnels that I love. There's a secret tunnel that I saw that is just for air. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? But like, you want to talk about secrets? Yeah. On the flight home from San Francisco, I watched National Treasure. Reignited my fucking love for that movie. I'm going to steal that.
11:35I forgot the plot of that movie where it's like he's worried. It's a treasure hunt. No, no, no. Like that part, obviously. But like the whole point of why he's stealing it is because he knows someone else is going to try and steal it. so he's going to steal it in order to protect it. Yeah. Talk about layers of idiocy. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about here? Yeah, and... I'm going to steal a treasure in Paris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it, like, leads to, like, secret treasure and gold and stuff like that, right? Yeah, dude, that shit is hard. Listen up. If I ever found out that there was treasure within, like, a one-mile radius of where I lived, I need a family.
12:21I'm going with a spade shovel and I'm digging, dude. Yeah. Because the idea of hitting ding. Yeah. Ding, ding. And then unearthing treasure. Now, if it was treasure in like a tomb, I'm only accepting treasure if it's in a wooden crate that has chains around it and a big old timey padlock. And it's held by a skeleton. And it's held by a skeleton and I can hit it off with the tip of the shovel. Yeah. That's the only way I want treasure. Me too. and i also want to be edged by clues so like i want to think that i got the treasure but it's like oh fuck another oh you open it up and it's just like yay i gotcha yeah and it's like damn i gotta go to now no i gotta go north carolina and bring this thing with me and then i place it in the wall and it opens up another door oh you know what i'm saying shit like that like you have to like press a secret button and then like the the like oh this any of these movies crazy National treasure, Indiana Jones, when like a secret stone thing opens and you hear the like, and you see like the sand falling.
13:26That's my ASMR, baby. Or it's like they press the button and then like there's just a cloud of dust. Like poosh. Like air's in there now. It's like, fuck. I don't need Asian girls. Torches. Wait, what? Okay. Like Asian girls like clinking their nails against a glass. for like ASMR. I just need the sounds of Indiana Jones opening a stone sarcophagus. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad you let me finish there. Yeah, yeah, because I was very confused by that. I was like, who said you needed Asian girls? Also, torches, bro. There's Matt. Yo, listen, for all you torch horners out there, horny torch people, I'm in the club.
14:07National Treasure's got some great torches. Good torch work. Great torch work. Do they do the whole, like, they dip it in, like, a natural pool of gasoline? It's already got it on there. It's already. He just lighted it. And he uses it to take down spiderwebs at one point. I'm like, I like that, too. I do. I like that, too. I do like that. Where was, there was a movie I recently watched or saw a clip from, and it was, like, the underground is, like, a sewer of, like, natural gas. It might have been an Indiana Jones movie, now that I think about it. And you can't light a match. No, but, like, he lit a torch.
14:39And kaboom? No. But that was the mistake. They were just like, oh, this would have kaboomed. This would have kaboomed. Yeah, dude. I want to see old-timey padlocks that need those keys that clink in when you get in there. Also, old-timey keys and locks. I like a big circular set of keys. I do like a circular set of keys. Moreover, what's better than the idea of a torch, I want to go through with an old dusty lantern. I'm talking this thing My arm would get tired I know but like Then you could just drop it a little And you could put it down And That's true Cause when you investigate You need to Get as close as What the fuck Yeah Oh shit This hasn't been opened And there's always a booby trap Right before you get in I heard You know what's crazy Is I heard booby traps were fake I heard they were a product of the movies Like Fake boobs Like they were like Not like where you like Step on something and like poison darts shoot out across the walls and stuff like that.
15:41I heard that was all fake. There were like things that like led to like fake rooms and like mazes and stuff like that. Wait, you thought like the pyramids were filled with booby traps? Yeah. I mean, I figured that was just the movie, honestly. Oh, really? I thought that maybe there were some like locks. I heard that it was like there were no like booby traps like that, but there were like just snake pits just like rooms and things that led to nowhere so like you would get lost and eventually die right because back then i imagine their sense of direction was not great probably better than ours now but definitely better than ours they like found out where to go by the stars yeah dude if i don't have gps i can't get fucking two miles yeah turn left in 0.1 miles like what's a 0.1 just tell me when and where yeah tell me when i'm turning um I did believe I did.
16:34And I also believe I'm not even going to lie to you. Most of what I currently believe about ancient Egypt came from the mummy, which is also an underrated movie. And it's a good ride at universal, like a book that you need, like a lock thing to open up and turn it to open. So sick. I mean, dude, you can just cut it. It was probably made with like leather from, you know, 5 ,000 years ago, but like the idea that I needed, And it would like clink when you turn like. I love that. I don't like the bugs. Too many bugs. There's a couple bugs. There's a thousand bugs in this place. We don't need it. You would have hated the beetle I saw this morning.
17:16You had a beetle? We saw a beetle about like that big this morning. Yeah, I can't. Look at this bastard. I took a picture of it. Where was it? Right in my front yard. Oh, no. That sucks. It was a cool beetle. Oh, wow. That's a beetle, dude. Yeah, that's like a Jurassic one. That's not the word. I don't know what word you're looking for. It's like a prehistoric? No. By definition, not. I wanted to say like a textbook. You only really see pictures of beetles like that. It was a perfectly good beetle. It's a good beetle. It was a big one, too. Then he got stuck upside down. I had to help him over.
17:55No. I had to help him over. His little legs. Was he kicking? He was kicking. Can he fly? He could. But not when he's upside down because his shell. Oh. You know? We got to get some beetles in here. We don't. One day. One day we should lock Joey in his office and just release 10 ,000 locusts. 10 ,000 locusts? What are you, the Bible? Is he looking at me? Yeah. I am looking at you. He's looking at me hard. Yeah. First of all, you don't even know where to get one locust. Do you know how big a locust is? No. That was a guess. That's not it. That's not it. They're big. That's not that. A locust? Aren't they big?
18:38They're just grasshoppers. Aren't they? No. Locusts come from grasshoppers. Come from? Come from? What the hell does that mean? Grasshoppers, when they get really angry, they turn into locusts. Really? What kind of? Hold on. What kind of, like, you're not going to like me when I'm angry? They grow big like the Hulk? Yeah. I'm not kidding. I'm 40 % sure that's the fact. 40 % is way too low. It's not even 50. To be on the basement yard. When they get mad, dude, they can't. Hold on. Grasshoppers don't turn into locusts. There's that 60 % working hard for them. Just look. Go, go, go. Keep reading.
19:11Keep reading. But rather, certain grasshopper species exhibit a phase change when environmental conditions trigger gregarious behavior. So they just decide they're going to be aggressive, and they're like, I'm a locust now. See? That's what I'm saying. It causes them to swarm. Now the locusts are trans. Oh, I bet the locusts are on this list. No, the locusts aren't trans. The grasshoppers are trans. That's what I meant. But they get physical and behavioral shifts. They get angry and they turn into locusts. So they like try to act. So a locust is just a state of mind. Yeah. So it's not just like a physical thing.
19:50It's just like, you know what? I'm like going to be big locust energy today. No, this is like when So What this feels like is like locusts Are like the real gangsters And then grasshoppers are like White kids from Long Island You know I kind of hear what you're saying And then they try to like, they get mad And use the n-word and then they're like This is what they're doing That's exactly what it is But if they get too mad then they become juggalos And go to like insane clown posse concerts But they never get there they never get there to him the insane clown posse they used to have bangers yet what you were an icp fan i wasn't an icp you were a juggalo my cousin was he had a giant poster on the back of his door that is one of the worst things i've heard about your family that's that by association is bad for everyone in your family i'll take it i mean i mean like i think it's funny i like tweeted i have my friends from college kelsey and eric we we had these like inside like not inside jokes but i would always do that thing that i do to you where i'm just like oh my god you're a big fan of like you know rioting and stuff like that you know just like to like get a ride out of people and at one time tweeted at them that like like hey you guys still big fans of the insane clown posse and they both texted me and they were like francisco they were like they're technically a terrorist organization you can't be spreading shit like that on Twitter.
21:18Apparently. I don't think it's actually true. Oh, that's interesting. Maybe they were doing it back to you. Scared you. They did. I was just like, oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't. It was a joke. But yeah, I didn't know that you were a juggalo adjacent. I mean, I'm not. I don't. I mean, it's like grasshoppers, frogs and toads, baby. You know, you could be a juggalo. You just need a little bit of face paint, some baggy jeans, and a very specific hairstyle that can only be attributed to the early 2000s. Yeah, that is true. Do you know the Insane Clown Posse? Never heard of the Insane Clown Posse? Never heard of him.
21:53Have you ever, like... Shaggy Too Dope, is that his name? I don't know. That didn't jog the memory. Have you... Have you ever, like, had a clown around? What is it? Like, at a birthday party? Like, you clown around with people. You ever clown around? I've seen a clown. Yeah, like... You, like, interacted with him? I didn't hang out with him. He asked me to. Oh, that's a problem. Yeah, that's a... All right, hey, here, guys. What do you mean he asked me to? It happens sometimes. No. No, no, no. We need specific details, and it doesn't happen sometimes. It's important to know for your safety and the safety of any children that may be watching.
22:29I was curious about clown school, and I asked too many questions, and he started to, like, talk to me. Wait, where the hell did this happen? It was at my cousin's birthday party. And you went up to the clown, and you were like, what's school like? Yeah. i know clown school apparently it's like i don't know if it's still this way but i learned this from steve-o who went to clown school it's like one of the hardest if not the hardest school to get into in the country clown school it was like more difficult to get into than like harvard and yale at the time okay go this is another one of those things that i don't believe just like the whispering hall or whatever the fuck that was steve-o from jackass right he went to clown school and i think like in like hindsight i've listened to his podcast steve-o got into a school that is harder to get into than harvard apparently like they let in less people and have more applicants how many fucking what percentage of applicants do you think get accepted into clown school did you look it up it's got to be i don't know the percentage but from steveo guess one and maybe all right i'm saying i'm gonna hold on i'm saying are we saying today because today might be a different standard people aren't you know begging to get into clown school like they were in the early 90s yeah i would say 10 okay i'll i'll i'll even be nice i'll say four 2 % of applicants get accepted into clown school.
24:07And now look up what Ivy League school percentage applicants get in. In the writing here, it says it is less than Harvard. I fucking told you. Stevo, you fucking did well for me again. You didn't let me down, buddy. Hell yeah. How many people are trying to be a clown? I mean, I don't know about today, but like back in the day, bro the 80s big time for clowns john wayne gacy ruined clowns that was what the 70s 80s 70s i mean i don't know but it was like are clowns even making bread like that i mean i'm sure if you get into like a good like it's not like you then become a clown but like you could be like you have clown skills and you could be just like a ha ha he he guy at a show you go to the fucking box all the time.
25:00There's no clowns there? You never know. Next time you go to the box, in between when people are like pissing, thrown up, and crapping on each other, ask them if any of them went to clown school. Okay. While we're having fun, do you want to guess the average salary of a circus clown? Oh,$10 ,000. I'm going to say$42 ,000. It's in between$46 ,000 and$85 ,000 per year. They can get up there. Well that's probably They need 8 plus years of experience to get up there Bro That's insane 8 years of clowning around To make 42 No to make 85 To make 80 That's a great I'm sure it is very physically demanding And you know they always say The clown cries You know What?
25:51There's like a famous story Like there's like a sad clown or something like that. I don't remember what it's called. Pagliacci. This isn't jogging either of our memories here. Pagliacci. P-A-G-G-L-I-I. What is that? An Italian clown? I think it's like a story of an Italian sad clown. And it's like, it's the moral of it is like, he's the sad person or something like that. How does that even apply to this conversation? He's right. How does that apply? Oh, that part? I don't know. This is a great day to be frank. I'm two for two so far. Why do you know so much about clowns? In the Whispering Wind Room or whatever it's called.
26:32That's insane. I'm just like, it's like a story. But wait, why'd you bring up the sad clown? Because I'm saying I'm sure that it is mentally and emotionally taxing on people to be a clown. Oh. I was like, what are we talking about? So I'm sure like, yeah, like that 86 ,000 being a clown, you think like, oh, it's easy work. But I'm sure that there is a level of weight that comes with it. Yeah, you're a clown. Yeah, but like I'm sure that there's more to it like no one ever asks the clown how they're doing or how their day is You know, I mean we don't know the last time you asked a clown how their day was I haven't even Sniffed a clown or seen a clown sniffing a clown as the standard there is kind of crazy I haven't been close enough to smell one I Get respect to clowns hats off the clowns.
27:15I'm not You sound a little disrespectful to clowns. Oh, what did I say? You're amazed at the amount of money they're making, which means you believe they're overpaid. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you spent eight years to make 40. You can't. You're flabbergasted. You're flabbergasted at the idea that Clown College is the hardest school in the United States to get into. Yes, that is true. I am still flabbergasted by that. I mean, you know, it's an elite group of performers and entertainers that need skills that are outside of the realm of what common folk can do. It's not just about flips.
27:53How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into? And you're only you're capped at 80. Well, because clowns aren't what they used to be, Joey. So why would why would people still want to be like go? Why would people still want to be clown? I mean, sometimes the clowning calls you. That's it. Sometimes, you know, there are some people that clown around, and then there were some people that were born to clown around. You know what I'm saying? They've just been down with clowns. They've been down with the clown. Yeah. And I'm sure the insane clown posse didn't do great for the image of clowns.
28:31I am positive. I can almost guarantee that shaggy 2-dobin, Janko jeans, and face paint has negatively affected the image of clowns in our country. John Wayne Gacy didn't help either. Certainly not. I don't think anyone has done more damage to the clown community than him. I mean, bro, Bozo. Bozo was the guy. It was like the clown. Bozo the clown was like the biggest clown in the world. Yeah.
29:03he's like an icon still very confusing but what's confusing about it you know some people would call us clowns yeah but technically we didn't get into this school so they'd be wrong right we are not documented clown we're not we're not doctor of clowns you know we don't have a bachelor's of clowning around we have nothing well i have degrees in some capacity you have nothing well you don't have clown degrees some people would say i do that's true that is true well we also have sponsors surprisingly but how they're how we're still getting ads at this point we do have sponsors uh we have stamps.com uh stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the post office right to your fingertips with stamps.com.
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32:15Okay. So again, that is squarespace.com slash basement to save 10 % off of your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement. Very nice, Joey. Good job with that ad read. You want to see me out do it? Cause I'm gonna baby patreon.com slash the basement yard. It's big green Frank over here and I'm not clowning around when I talk to you. Okay. I'm very serious right now. You guys want to continue to support the show which thank you for all you that have had in the past and will please continue to help us patreon.com please play the um hey play the sarah mclaughlin song while i'm doing this what play the sarah mclaughlin song while i'm doing this nobody do it patreon.com says bays bignard all right you sign up for that first show you get these weekly episodes one week in advance that's second tier guess what all right you want to see this little this little kitty cat here get its head blown out?
33:03No, you don't. What?
33:12Get its head blown out? Yeah. Okay. Go to patreon.com slash the basement yard. The second tier. You get weekly episodes, exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with the basement yard. You see this little cute little puppy right here. You don't want anything to happen to this. So go to patreon.com slash the basement yard. And if you want to save yourself some money and, you know, all you got to do is go to the web browser version, you know, patreon.com slash the basement yard. And in order to sign up there, because if you use the app, then you're going to have to spend extra money because those, the people that run those apps, uh you know whoever they use it through apple whoever they charge extra money so go check it out patreon.com slash the basement yard folks if you're seeing this we are back on tour we have done some shows already we are excited see this little duck right here careful what happens to it next you better listen to me is the sarah mclaughlin music still playing or is that not cgi-ing anything in your hands you can put a duck right here no josh you got this um oh look here Here, put a little penguin right here or something.
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35:04what is this bit of you killing animals he's threatening to kill them to be clear i'm not i'm telling them that that's what someone out there will do if they don't listen to me guys if you're coming to any of the shows go to the basement yard.com slash submit uh sometimes when you submit funny stories interesting stories crazy stories we talk to you about you with you at one of the shows you never know anything could happen we had a olympic gold medalist come on stage with us at one of the show we did a gender reveal at one uh proposal at one anything could happen but we won't be able to make it happen if you don't submit so the basement yard.com slash submit go check it out we love you we thank you and uh let's hope these animals are okay well I'm I don't really know how to follow that up uh but I I would like to uh watch that video that we have queued up there's a video of a what is it it's like so I was scouring uh the internet and there is a video that came out.
36:10I'm not going to tell you the hook to the video. I'm just going to tell you that it was, I guess this is most of the hook. Someone crashed a wedding. Yeah. And got a hold of a microphone. Okay. Can we pull this up? And things happened. I let this crazy woman attend my wedding and she crashed out. Just play it. play it. It's 58 seconds. By the way, I just got to say, crashed out, kind of love it as terminology. It feels appropriate. Yeah. Ready? Just be ready to pause at any moment. Okay. Okay.
36:51You are so lucky. You are the luckiest woman in the world. Dan is such a great guy. Well, I was just saying this is getting a little crazy now. The thing a woman could ever want, he's kind, generous, successful, gorgeous. He's got an incredible body. Incredible body is a little crazy. Oh, but they laughed. Okay, fine. So clearly they think, okay, ha, ha, ha. I would do anything to be you, Carolyn. No, really, I would. Because Dan, you never even gave us a chance. You never even gave us a chance. I'm the one who taught you to make crab cakes. What? You told me to make crab cakes, Daddy. Pause this.
37:38She told him how to, one, what the fuck? And two, I told you how to make crab cakes? I mean, that's pretty cool. Crab cakes are great. I mean, how is that what you're benchmarking your love on? This is such an insane thing to do at a wedding, by the way. I don't know if they do it anymore. I don't think they do it anymore. Yeah. If someone speak now, why are we even doing this? Well, because I think it was probably like a thing back in like the medieval times where they were just like, I throw down thy gauntlet. Yeah. To take her. Fight one-on-one for the wedding. Yeah. Like insane. Yeah, this woman is, get her out of there.
38:15All right. No. No, seriously. It's too late. What did she have that I don't? I'm Asian too. I'm Asian too. I'm Asian too? I'm Asian too? Yo, can I ask you a serious question? is it about Asians? no we talked about them earlier with ASMR stuff what would you do if your wedding like a crazy ex popped up and did something like that? uh luckily I do not have an ex that I think is an insane person I know I'm not saying like I'm not telling you to scour the fucking you know the annex of exes that you have I'm just saying like scour the annex i'm just saying like what is your reaction if something like this happens to you speechless just yeah like if someone was like no like why i i would be like somebody's shooter with a with a real gun the gun that that was being aimed at those poor animals before no like a stun no i mean like i honestly like a real answer is like i i would be speechless I mean I would have to get up and remove this person with the assistance of other people I mean I'm not gonna like if I look at you and I go let's go you're not coming with me and like whose wedding is it mine oh oh it's your wedding yeah or yours I mean I would hope that I don't have to get up at my own wedding to do this like that someone would do something oh so you'd look at me and you'd give me the look you'd go Frank yeah you'd go like if it was your wedding unleash the hounds if it was your wedding and one of your exes was like just showed up and started acting crazy like you wouldn't i'm ushering this girl you think so absolutely oh i think well there would have my sister and some of her friends that would have been in my wedding might have had something to do with that first well yeah for sure yeah i could see your sister going nuts there but i god my sister bro i can't even imagine because listen regardless of what this situation is god that is so wildly uncomfortable for the for the bride if she was with the groom not only that i mean everyone involved absolutely that would be just devastating but like if you're this person what are you hoping to get out of this that the dude's gonna go you're right well i think out of here you're you're you're obviously trying to put yourself in the mind of someone that has some form of a delusion.
40:48So like, in their mind, they probably have convinced themselves that this is going to be like the thing that wins them back. Rom-coms have ruined so much of that because like people think like, if I show up when he's about to get on the plane with his girlfriend, he'll see me and... Just don't do that. People get into clown school before something like that actually happens. There's a better chance of you getting into clown school. Yeah, what's up, man? You have a question? Is it selfish of me to hope that this happens at a wedding? That you're attending? It's not. But I would like it to happen at a wedding too, but if I can pick who it happens to.
41:25Okay. Because I don't want it to happen to someone that I, like, actually really care about. If I'm, like, at a fringe friend wedding, I'm all for it. Oh, so like an uncle's cousin's getting married or something like that. Not related by marriage, and you're just like, something needs to spice this up a little bit. or selfishly like you know like an in-laws wedding or like a you know your partner's fucking their friends like i don't so so someone tangentially yeah not not mine gotcha someone gotcha gotcha gotcha okay i'm going to add a layer to this that i think is going to make you lose your mind okay you know me you know I'm all for a good joke and sometimes those jokes fall flat what would you do if I told you that this was staged by the groom as a prank on his wife Frankie is that what this is yeah so reportedly are you divorced that guy you don't even finish the you don't even I mean I guess the papers are probably signed at that point if I'm her if I'm the bride I'd be like are you a fucking idiot why would you think this would go well because here's the thing I love pranks Joey prank Frank Frankie I'm all about pranks but this is ruining the night for everyone and every single person every single person in the bride's family and it is so wildly selfish you're the only one that gets something you're the only one that thinks it's funny which that is so dumb that's what happened no wonder there are rates of women just not having relationships with men more than ever before bro that is the dumbest i like what is the thought process of like oh it's a just kidding i hired her even if the even if that person would laugh immediately the storm that is coming behind the scenes of just like what the fuck like what in front of my family like dude and if if i was at a wedding like this and the joke went well i would stand up and be like what's wrong with all of you morons this is wrong and dumb this is you're all idiots and i'm leaving like that would be insane i think like i'm now i'm putting myself in somebody else's shoes here i'm gonna put myself in the shoes of this is my daughter getting married bro i'm telling you right now i'm getting a gun and i'm shooting that dude in the back of the head front of the head in front of his parents It's my daughter's wedding.
44:23And he pulls a prank like that. This is, I rip his suit off. And? The suit jacket. I meant like I'm roughing him up. You're making it crazy. I don't know where you're going. You said suit. And suit is traditionally two pieces. Yes. I strip him naked. I get his cock out. And I say, how dare you? And I bat it around. All right. All right. Now you're going crazy now with the batting around. Oh, you know what? I'd be with you. I'd rip his suit off and I'd shoot him in the penis. What do you mean I'm with you like I was going to say that? I'm with you with the whole ripping the suit off. Where you go after the suit is ripped off, I can't be on board with because I don't know.
45:04I know that if this was my daughter, I'd let you rip the suit off because you really want to do that for some reason. And then I'm pointing the gun at his penis and I'm shooting until it is dust. What I'm finding is... This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started.
45:42See paypal.com slash protection terms. Interesting is that everyone in the background is laughing. Did they know? It could be awkward laughing. That's what I would do the whole time. That is somehow just as bad. I would literally be like this. If I was the bride and everyone else in the room knew but me, that's horrific. Wait, that's so bad. I don't want to say worse. I'm divorcing my family as well. Yeah, just be like, all of you thought this would be a ha-ha-hee-hee moment? Nah. Every single one of you, take out your penises. I'm going to shoot them. Yeah, we're all shooting everyone's penis off.
46:21We're going to shoot everyone's penis there. Get out of here. Yeah, it's too crazy. There's an argument if this is this guy's sense of humor, nobody really likes him anyway. Yeah, the fact that you found a woman to marry you with this sense of humor is astonishing as it is. I mean, that's exactly why you should play it safe and not do stuff like this, because there's no way you find another. So just chill. You know who should get married? this guy and the guy that gave the speech where it's just like the happiest i am is when the kids go to sleep and you start ball gagging on my fucking shaft yeah yeah yo and i saw another one like that bad where a guy was like i assume before the clip the woman gave her vows or whatever and the guy goes i can't wait to tap that whenever i won't and just like laughs and And the priest is like, or the officiant's like, that's all you're going to say?
47:15And he's like, yep. And he's like, seriously, that's all you're going to say? And then they cheers with monster energy. And the guy was like, can you try and find that? Oh, my God. It's like, I can tap that ass whenever I want or something like that. Tap that. First of all. Yeah, it ain't 1999, brother. Yeah, tap that ass is the craziest way. It's like, this guy's favorite movie is Joe Dirt. And the guy. Second of all If you want to get specific That's another good bad movie It's whenever that person wants Not whenever you want Fucking hillbilly boy It's like I can tap that ass Whatever Well Something like that Is it something like that Is it smack that ass Oh maybe it's that Okay I think I got it Maybe it's smack that ass Which is like still I mean And the The officiant kept going like For real Like you're not gonna And he's like Didn't write anything That's what he said He gave him How many chances did he give him Like three Too many Dude insane I wouldn't even I would have cut them off.
48:08I could tap that. Stop. Yeah. Just say I do, and I would turn around and leave. I'd leave their papers on the altar and be like, find someone else and submit these because I'm not doing this. Dude, it's so bad. This is it. That's it. That's it. I promise to smack that. Oh, another white guy. Shocker. Well, you have to turn the volume on, brother. Right. I got you. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. I promise to smack it. It's every chance I get. That's all I got.
48:40Are you sure? I didn't write nothing out. That's what you're going out with? That's what I'm going with. That's so good! And he goes, we've made it this long. Yet, oh my God, cut his head off. Cut it, cut it off. Cut it off. Dude. He's like. I'm letting you know right now. Guys, just stop. Just stop. Just stop. It's so easy. It's so fucking easy. It's okay to say nice stuff to your wife. It's okay. It's not gay. It's not gay. It never was. It's cool. It's so cool to be nice to your wife. You know, I have the greatest wife in the world. You know how excited I get to love her and tell people how much I love her?
49:22That's all you gotta do. Say nice stuff. It's nice, you stupid asshole. Oh, I can't wait to tell it. Oh my god. Who is that even for? I would - if I was his wife, the first time he smacked my ass, I'm crapping in his hands. Are you fucking kidding me? This is so... Just be constantly shitting on his hands if he smacked my butt. Guys, come in close. Pull in close. Josh, you close? Stop. It's so easy. Just stop. All you gotta do is those... What you think is funny? Don't do that. Just buy a small filter. And just filter them through there. It's crazy. That's all you gotta do. I'm becoming Sebastian Maniscalco.
50:04Slap that ass every chance I get. We should cut his hands off. The only ass he should be smacking is his pantsuits when they're on the ground and I shoot his penis off.
50:22Well, that's... We have ads. I forget. We have more ads. And I don't even know. I think there should be a timeout clock or something for that. A timeout for the ads. we have rocket money rocket money is an all-in-one personal finance app that's going to find and cancel and want a subscription so that they can put money back in your pocket it's also going to help you lower your spending with their budgeting tool and it can help lower your bills so you can grow your savings it's all about putting that money back in your pocket folks and rocket money is going to help you do that their dashboard lays out your total finance picture including your bill due dates and paydays in a way that's easy to digest.
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52:25It's not just a point of sale. It's also hardware that works in person and on the go. We have a piece of the hardware that we bring to the shows so you guys can tap, pay with the card. This is how we're doing it. It tracks inventory. So this is Square. And if you have a business out there where you are selling things, where you offer a service to people, Square makes it very simple. It's a one-stop shop for everything that you need, okay? And if you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to$200 off Square hardware at square.com slash go slash basement.
53:06That's square, S-Q-U-A-R-E.com slash G-O slash basement, okay? Run your business smarter with Square and get started today. All right, folks. Beautiful. You all right? You can't breathe or something? No, I'm just like astounded by that. I'm flabbergasted. Once again. What's the, like, I mean, I think we actually recently spoke about this, so never mind. But, Ant, what would you do if you saw this at a wedding? If it's your wedding. Like I'm getting married? Yeah. I'd hope someone stepped in way earlier. Also, the fact that someone gave her a mic is confusing, but now I know it was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:45It would have stopped right away, I think. So that means several people were in on it. Well, the moron fucking husband was. So he kind of calls the shots there. You just need him to be in on it. Yeah, if a bride or groom wants something, they usually get it. Oh, my God. Like, that is... Bro, run that idea by literally one person, and they're going to tell you to tell you, like, hey, hey, hey, don't fucking do that. I guess this is like one of those like TikTok couples that like prank each other. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Where it's like where, you know, the one where like the girl walks in and he like perfectly shoots a dart at like a milk balloon above the door.
54:23You know what I'm talking about? What is that? Dude. Is that shaving cream? Is it milk? Is it milk? Whatever it is. It's no way it's real. Come on, guys. Yeah. Come on. You ain't getting me, fellas. Come on, everybody. Like, we're not. Who do you think we are? Yeah. This is the king of the internet, dude. Dude, this guy knows everything that happens on there. Everything. Well, I've never accessed the dark web. Me neither. I don't even want to say the word because it scares me. Dark web? Yeah. Why? It's scary to me. Why? You don't want to buy it like a kidney? No. Me neither. No, I don't. I don't want it either, dude.
55:00That's a very easy and obvious answer there. I don't want to buy a kidney. How would you even go about finding that? I don't know. How many people do you think just Google it? You Google dark. Where's the dark web? Where is it? How do I get there? How do I get to the deep dark web site? How do I get there so I can prove that this list never existed? Oh, my God. Do your own research. Yeah, no. I've never accessed the dark web. Never done anything like that. Did you see that liquid death has a flavor coming out that is fruity pebble milk flavor? Water? I mean that I don't know how good that sounds milk water I don't think it's like milk but I think I looked it up the other day it's fruity here back with a bizarre beverage this time they've taken breakfast the canned water brand is partnering with fruity pebbles to launch a new sparkling water that tastes like cereal and milk combo um I would try it but it sounds like it'll be rough listen it's not liking it listen to me right now when's the last time you had fruity pebbles and you just swam amongst the pebbles i had them like eight months ago very specific why why are you so uh was it like a christmas time yeah you have christmas pebbles no it was just the regular ones but i did have them i thought the timeline was gonna be way longer so that's impressive to me yeah i think it might have been longer for me it might have been a couple years well i mean i don't i haven't eaten cereal in a very long time but then i was like fuck it let's get some fucking fruity pebbles hell yeah and then i ate it every day for like three days and i'm kind of excited for when uh they take all those like unnatural dyes out of the food so i can then just get back into fruity pebbles i don't think it'll still be good though oh i'm sure though it's i'm not worried about the sugar i'm worried about the like red 40 yeah that's not great because i know if i bring it into the house i'm gonna have it and then if i'm gonna have it my kids are gonna have it and i can't give them right what could potentially be poison.
57:02Right. You know? I gotta be responsible. So maybe I'll like closet... You know how like people closet smoke cigarettes in their house? You're gonna closet eat Fruity Pebbles? Bingo. You could just wait till they go to sleep. And then just get a little bit... I'm normally tired by the time they're in sleep. What time do they usually go to sleep, children? Maeve is between 7 and 7.30. But once that sun starts setting earlier, she's going... She's 6... 6.30. She's getting spiked into bed. i'll tell you that like that mouse yeah ruby honestly i'm not even kidding it has to do with the time of the year during the winter when the sun sets at like 4 30 they're ready for bed at like 6 30 ruby's a little later now she's in bed by like 8 30 now but like again what about miles what mile what time did i go to sleep back then during the school year his bedtime was like he to start like brushing his teeth at like 8 15 and he's in bed by like 8 45 okay and but he's honestly he's the toughest one to get to bed because like maybe we put into bed shut the door good night she stays there ruby she sits there she reads she keeps her light on she turns it off puts herself to sleep it's cutest thing in the world miles i just wanted to come out and talk to you guys i just wanted to oh my god i'm so hungry yeah literally he just wants to chill literally Yeah, and it's cute, and I know I'll miss it one day, but I'll be in bed dozing off.
58:28Rebecca and I will be watching something, and he'll be like, Kiki, can you go make me a pizza bagel? And I'm like, dude, it's 9 o 'clock. I'm not going to go and make you a full meal. He's like, all right, I'll just have a waffle. I'm like, dude, what? Yeah. Can't. Yeah. It's an art getting kids to sleep. An art. It's a dance. Yeah. Oh, Santa gets thrown out a lot. You know? Oh, once you start getting there. Santa's watching, guys. No, even during the summer. Really? Even during the summer, yeah. That's good. You really want Santa to find out. You know, okay, I'm going to call him. You know? I'll give him a ring.
59:07I'll give him a buzz. Santa's the ultimate tool. It's a good one, you know? Not to get to Christmas in July, but Elf on a Shelf. You guys use that? I mean, I don't have children, but... The elf started appearing two years ago, and let me tell you, Whoever called him. Becca? Yeah. We bit off a little more than we could chew. Why? Like, now it's like a full-time job? So, like, every night it's supposed to do something creative. And, like, Becca's very creative. She's very good at that stuff. She, the elf brought, like, little, like, trinkets and stuff. So, like, she, but, like, she'll be in bed and she'll be like, oh, my God, I forgot the elf.
59:51And I'll be like, I got it. And I go out there and I just stand there like this for 20 minutes. You don't know what to do. What do I do? Yeah. So every now and then I'll just like throw him in like a cereal box. Yeah. And be like, he's eating cereal. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Oh my God. And Becca will do one where he like made a slide out of toilet paper. And mine, he's just like hanging out at the front door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to have some balance because if they're all insane, it's like, what? It's a lot, dude. It's a lot. creating a magic for your kids is really difficult i don't consider myself a hero but if anyone decided to call me one anyone anyone at all anyone i've seen crazy ones on tiktok where it's like look at this elf taking a dump and i'm like what is this yeah there there were ones that uh or it was on like a a wire or something becca did that one where he was zip lining through the house yeah that's what it was and um with like clothes pins uh there was another one that she did oh she set up like a date night with a barbie and the elf on the shelf damn yeah that's cool my mom would continuously move him every day closer to my little brother's room and eventually when it got close enough he just started to cry every night because he didn't want it to get any closer yeah i like that's terrifying isn't there a rule like you can't look at it in the eyes or something i think that's medusa yeah no isn't there something though not that i know of you're not supposed to touch it yes oh oh yeah that's what it is yeah if you touch it it like loses its magic and it can't because the the idea is that every night it goes to report back to the north pole and then comes back and if you touch it it loses its yeah magic but like there have been like accidents where like one of us would touch it and miles I was just like, I heard if you put cinnamon on it, it brings the magic back.
1:01:47So, like, I'll get home and there will be just, like, a cinnamon freaking chalk outline of this elf on the shelf on the floor that fell on the floor. Like, damn. My mom put a picture of my youngest brother with it and said, I love you, like, Gio. That's terrifying. Yeah. Looking back, it was very scary, actually. You fucking better not. I'm watching you. Yeah. I wrote a letter to Santa once when I was younger, and my mom wrote me the letter back, and she has, like, unbelievable handwriting, and it was from someone named Jingles, an elf named Jingles. Duh. And I was like, oh, my fucking God, bro.
1:02:30And then I wrote another letter to Jingles, and the next letter my mom wrote was like, oh, I'm busy. I can't keep writing letters. I didn't know. she realized that like I'm just gonna pen pal this fucking elf every day your mom just totally just like fucking ghosted you as this fucking jingle as an elf yeah it's just like hi I'm it's it's me jingles I love breaking your Christmas joy oh my god jingles I love you all right take it the fuck easy it was literally like the next letter was like all right I'm so busy at the factory can't write back ever again be good all right listen I got work tomorrow so like we'll talk in a couple days i'll hit you up i can't spend the night i have work really early in the morning so i'll call you listen that was a really cool first date but honestly like let's just wait to talk again yeah so it was it was basically like that yeah oh we're big into you know to be we're a big santa house yo once once uh one christmas when i was very young i was like i I got to know if this shit is real or not.
1:03:33So my parents put me to sleep and I just waited. And what I felt like was long enough that they would be like, if it was that they'd be putting the presents there or whatever, you know? So then I woke up and I just sprinted down the stairs and my mom's just sitting on the couch. It was probably like 40 minutes. Mind you, like I'm a child. So it was probably like 845. And she was just like, what? And I'm like, holy shit. It's real. Like that's what did it for me. I almost, so when it was just miles back in, I, he was maybe three and a half at the time. They were out. Like she had gone to pick him up and I was at our apartment and I was, you know, kind of getting something ready for Christmas.
1:04:18But they pulled up and she couldn't like buy time. So I like set the thing up really quick, but I was going to like leave and make it look like I came back. So I just sprinkled powdered sugar on me and fell on the floor. and they were like, what happened? And I was just like, what? I think Santa hit me with magic dust and put me to sleep. And to this day, to this day, he brings it up. I'm telling you right now. Wait, why did you do that again? I, like, couldn't, because, like, I forgot the exact reasoning, but the idea was like, oh, I just need to make it look like, please don't clip this because.
1:04:59Obviously, yeah. This is how my child finds out. No, no, no, no. I'm going to fucking let you take my pants off and shoot me in the pants. No, no, no. Wait, so why did you do that originally? Just like I didn't have time to like get out of there or like make it look like it was like really like properly staged by Santa. So I was like, let me just. Oh, because they were coming home. Because they were coming home. So I was just like I sprinkled some on me and I fell to the ground. And I was like, you know, like cartoon. So when they opened the door, you were on the ground. Yeah. Did you tell Becca you were doing this?
1:05:33Afterwards, she was just like quick thinking. Or I might have told her like as they were pulling up because she was just like, I can't buy time anymore. He needs to get inside. And I was just like, all right, just go with the flow. Or like I'm going to be like pretend, you know, just leading her to the river. Yeah. And then he came in and I was just like, and he brings it up to this day. He's like, do you remember when Santa used sleep powder on you? And I'm like, I don't remember because I was asleep. I would have never thought of that. Yeah. You get, dude, it's kind of fun how creative you get with these kids.
1:06:03Yeah. You know? Oh, my God. And they're so gullible. My God, I'm going to get creative with it. Dude, it almost brought me to tears the first time. Because, like, those first, like, two years, the kids don't really get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, last Christmas when Ruby, like, and fucking sprinted outside. Oh, my. Sprinted outside? Yeah, like, into the front yard. Why? she heard jingle bells and saw a light moving in the sky and was like it's santa what are you referring to well on christmas eve santa we the kids have to go to sleep because santa's on his way yeah we have the santa tracker up and when they're in bed and they're like getting ready to go to sleep oh you have it the sleigh bells and you can hear you know ho ho ho ho like he's here you gotta get to sleep you did that every year that's awesome every year oh you they wait until they can hear them how can they hear them no because what i is this you kids go away is this you running around the house so i'll either so i used to run so i the way our setup used to be is i used to run outside and I used to, with a big bell, do it myself.
1:07:24Yo, as loud as you could be, I used to do it. It's like fucking, yeah, of course. And then I would sneak back in and be like, I was in the bathroom, what happened? And now what I do is I put, at our old house, I put it in the attic and then I did one year where it was outside, but I put a Bluetooth speaker. Oh. And I play, I'll be like standing in the doorway and I'll play it on my phone and it's like, ho ho ho ho Mary and their yo their face if I could bottle that if I could take a picture of their face their faces give it to whomever scientists could turn that into a drug I would be the biggest coke head on the planet yeah because it is why the confusion I thought you were going to name it a different drug he just went to coke I was like oh he's like it's not that he would do that drug he's like I would just do cocaine that's what I'm saying I would do that drug if that was my cocaine wow you'll be there both of you one day that's so fucking funny if you guys choose and are lucky enough to have children they so they hear it every year and then they run to bed they're in bed already and then they run to the front and they look outside and I'm like guys come on quick we gotta get inside and they fucking run and stumble in bed it's adorable damn that's awesome love that you are a hero that's great he did it I'll give it to you He did it I'll give it to you You are one Way to go Thanks buddy Way to go Way to go Way to go champ Way to go buddy Good job sport Yeah no that's amazing So back to what I was saying You trying this liquid death water?
1:09:01Yeah I would try it Let's get a case in here I'll try the hell Yo hit up liquid death Hit him up Hit him up Yo Hit him up Hit him up Limp Bizkit Did you notice by the way At the hard rock They had in a glass case one of his hats. No, did they? I'll get a picture of it. Damn, that would have been a sick thing to see. Yeah. Put your hands on. They also had just like people's pajamas. Like I left the elevator and it was like, this is Elvis's pajamas and Frank Sinatra's pajamas. I'm like, why the pajamas? I saw like Tommy Lee's shoes and Miley Cyrus's shirt. I saw Nicki Minaj's like butt. Bustier or what's it called?
1:09:42Corset? That's it. uh like i think i saw like what's his name kurt cobain was in like a cheerleading costume that was there interesting i'm getting hungry what was that transition because i because where the where that outfit was right next to where the food was served kurt cobain in a cheerleading costume i am starving well there you have it folks uh we we we must go uh no we mustn't we must must yeah must must must uh but frank where can they find you the frank albert is all over social media go check out the basement yard out in patreon patreon.com slash the basement yard if you haven't and you want to try to get tickets to any of our upcoming shows that are still available go to the basement yard.com hollywood florida got some left uh vegas uh there's some left scattered places go check it out at the basement yard.com thank you for all the love and support we've been getting and um if you're coming to any of the shows the basement yard.com slash submit yep you guys follow me at joe sanagato and uh go follow the show at the basement yard and everything and that is all see you guys next time
1:11:03Thank you.
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