#516 - Are We Gooners?

30:45They actually eat human blood. So

30:49Joe Santagato:You want vampire crabs on your shaft Frank you want vampire crabs You know that sounds cool You know that sounds cool Oh Oh Vampire crabs Also I can kill these things in an instant Well no you probably need to get them treated How do you kill crabs You need to get them treated I'll put like tomato sauce on it or whatever You need to get them treated I think that's skunks You're not going to be able to go there and fuck a bowl of ragu You need to get it treated and have it taken out Okay Yeah I take like a cream You could go and get There's natural remedies for lice and things that you can get over the counter.

31:19Joe Santagato:I think you weed whack and then you're chilling. Well, if they're eating, if they're drinking blood, if they're drinking blood, that means that their skin level. So like, yeah, sure. You can go and you can excavate the whole rainforest. But guess what? Life finds a way, bitch. That's true. What? I'm just looking how you got rid of them. Yeah, shaving, medical creams, soaps. I think, dude, there is way more upside with lice. No way. You just have an itchy scalp. You got an itchy scalp. You want crabs where these things are munching on your mom's pubis? I don't want them. You said you'd prefer them.

31:56Over lice? Yeah.

31:58Joe Santagato:Bananas. What do you think lice are doing? They're eating your head, dude. They're eating the dry skin. That's what they're doing. They might be eating blood as well. I don't know. They could be blood sucking. They're definitely blood sucking. They ain't blood sucking. They ain't sucking on anything. Yo, tell him right now. They're sucking blood. They are. They're sucking blood. Thank you, bro. They're sucking your head blood. Lice are sucking my blood? I'm getting head from a lice? No. You're getting... No, you're giving the lice head, technically. That's gayer.

32:31Squarespace. We do have Squarespace. This show is sponsored by Squarespace, okay? Squarespace is where you're going to want to build your website, okay? They have a lovely website where they're going to help you create a professional-looking website in a short amount of time so that you can promote your business or your content or whatever that you have that you're promoting. You can do so with Squarespace with your website. Anytime we create a landing page or a website, we're using Squarespace. They're the best in the business. So if you want to check it out, you can go to squarespace.com slash basement, and you will save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or a domain when you use that code basement, okay?

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33:44FitBod, look, this is going to help you get in shape because they create a personalized workout routine based on your goals, your fitness level, and your available equipment. Not everyone has access to a gym membership, so it's very difficult to follow a workout plan if I don't have access to a gym. But luckily with FitBod, they take all those things into consideration. Also, your fitness level. You can't ask people to do these very complicated compound movements if they don't have a lot of experience in fitness. So you have to work on that level with people. So based on their goals and their fitness level, they can help you out.

34:17It's also very educational, honestly, because there are over a thousand demonstration videos to teach you how to do these movements. So if you read something, you're like, I don't even know what that is. They have a video to show you how to do it properly, which is very helpful. So if you're starting your fitness journey or even if you've been into fitness for a while now, you can create a personalized workout routine through FitBot. And it is great. And you can save 25 % off of your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at FitBot.me slash basement. Okay, so that is 25 % off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at FitBot.me slash basement.

34:53Joe Santagato:basement and whatever journey you're on whether it be personal health wellness whatever it is let the basement yard be a part of that journey my friends and you can get us to be a part of that at patreon patreon.com slash the basement yard we tell you guys about it every single week and if you sign up for that first year you get exclusive uh no you do get something it ain't exclusive it's kind of exclusive you get these weekly episodes waiting one week in advance guys Guys, don't make me have to say this again. Don't make me have to do this. All right? So that first tier you get weekly episodes, one week in advance.

35:25Joe Santagato:That second tier you get exclusive episodes every single Friday, guys. That's what you get. Okay? It's not clocking to you that I'm standing on business. All right, guys? So go check it out today at patreon.com slash the basement. And we thank you guys for getting us over 34 ,000 paid patrons. It's so appreciated by all of us here. You're literally supporting our love and dream and everything we've ever wanted to do. So thank you so much. Okay? And if you want to save yourself some money while you're doing it, go on a web browser. Go to patreon.com slash basement yard. Because if you use an app, they're going to charge you a little extra money.

35:57Joe Santagato:So save some money and go on the web browser version. Come on. Patreon.com slash basement yard. And we're on the road again. So we're back at it. We're doing the shows, live shows. On the road again. I can wait. You know, on the road again. The life I love is making music with my friends. I literally never knew those words. I can't wait to get on the road again. Speaking of making music with friends, we like to make memories with ours at these Basement Yard shows. So if you're coming to any of these upcoming shows, make sure you go to thebasementyard.com slash submit. There is a portion of our show that we like to talk to you, about you, with you.

36:34Joe Santagato:And these stories get crazy, kooky, all over the place. So if you want us to potentially talk to you about anything that might have happened to you, about you, with you, or in your life or whatever, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit. Let us know what show you're coming to. Submit any responses that you feel are appropriate. If you want to be left anonymous, you let us know. And, yeah, then we'll see what happens. So we're excited to get back out. Keep going. When this comes out, I don't know what shows are still left, but I know at the end of August we're doing Phoenix and Las Vegas. There are some tickets still available for some of our shows across, you know, that are remaining.

37:08Joe Santagato:Hum that are remaining. So go check it out at TheBasementYard.com if you want to try to grab some tickets. If you love the show and you saw it in another city and you want to come and make the trip for another one, then you come on out. OK, you come on out. You do it. You fucking do it. All right. You can get those tickets at The Basement Yard and make sure you submit your stories at TheBasementYard.com slash submit. OK, TheBasementYard.com. Check us out. We love you. Thank you. I have a question. I'm not going to answer it. I'm just going to look at Ant. Last night, I was, like, walking the dog, and the moon was, like, red?

37:40What is that? Red moon. How is that an answer to what I asked?

37:47Joe Santagato:Probably a blood moon. But what is that? I think a blood moon is, like, the light hits it a certain way, and it is used to, you know, kind of. So you don't know? No, I don't. Do you know anything, Ant? Do you want the real answer? Do you know anything? I looked it up But in your head Did you see how condescending that was? Do you know anything? I meant to say like you As a person, no As a person, I don't know I think it's Blood Moon, right? It is Blood Moon Yeah Occurs during a total lunar eclipse When the earth passes directly between the sun and the moon Total eclipse of my heart Oh, so it's like Wait, what?

38:29Joe Santagato:it's like like in how how in hercules what was that yeah how you know how he's went it's like yeah yeah i stopped that real quick it's like in hercules when all the planets are in a line and then the you know like the the the titans get out uh i i how you don't remember that hercules the movie from fucking 2000 what 1997 joe jeez come on 2001 wait what does that mean so it's when the moon is directly in front of the sun, then it turns red? It's like when you flash a light through a piece of paper, it's kind of red for some reason. Moon's the paper. I don't think that's the reason. That has to be the reason.

39:08It doesn't have to do anything.

39:10Joe Santagato:It's science in the space. Also, the sun is way bigger than the Earth, brother. I'm sure that the light gets around the Earth. Bro, you ever think about how big the sun is? It's a big boy. Bro, it's a big flaming ball of sun. It's just gas, dude. It's just out there being a sun and not giving a fuck about anyone else. Why is it so hot? Because of gas. Yeah. Because of gas and good, you know. Bro, but it's just a big chemical reaction out there. I was outside and I was looking and I was like, oh, the moon is like red. That's so interesting. And then I'm like, yeah, I don't even know why the fuck that happens.

39:54Like, I know it's called, like, a blood moon or whatever the fuck. Blood orange moon. Blue moon. I don't know. Now, imagine seeing that, and you're a caveman. Like, what's going on? Yeah, you're like, oh, shit. It's now it's evil. Yeah. That would be scary, dude. It's like, what's happening?

40:09Joe Santagato:If you're out there and you're just like, what is that? Oh, that big white ball in the sky that shows up every night is now red. I'm... Time to go inside. I'm really glad that I'm living in a time where we have a lot of answers for certain things. because if I was a caveman and I had to walk around and just kind of accept the fact that shit happens and I have no idea what it is, not doing well. Oh my God. I, I mean, listen, I don't accept most of the answers we get anyways. Seems like some of them, although they are backed by science, I just don't trust some of them. Um, and no, I'm not, I'm not a big conspiracy theorist.

40:45Joe Santagato:I just pick and choose what I like, you know, in what regard? Oh, like if I just don't like something i'm just not going to believe it that's interesting well i just i like no i just i mean like i know there's answers and i support that the the findings that went into it in the years if not decades of research that went into being able to formulate a hypothesis and being supported by the scientific method but sometimes i see it i'm just like i'm not i don't like the answer so i'm just going to believe something else you know and that is being american i mean what is more American than ignoring hard facts, science, and just choosing to go your own way.

41:25Joe Santagato:You can go your own way. Go your own way. It's a great song from a great band. It's a great band. But so wait, so when you go outside, did you, did you, did it like do anything or you just saw it? It was like, why? Yeah. I was like, why? There's just things I don't know. Did you, did you howl at it? I didn't howl. Or bark of the moon? No, I went, when the sun meets you. I started singing like an Italian pizza man. Oh, my God. We've already went through this. When the moon hits your eye like a bigger pizza pie. It doesn't make any sense. That's not love. If the moon hit my eye, I'd be fucking so dead.

42:04What are you talking about?

42:05Joe Santagato:Yes, you would. When the moon hits my eye, I'm fucking dead. I wonder, because I played a lot of Legend of Zelda growing up, and obviously Majora's Mask was in there, which you know what happens in Majora's Mask. Yeah. Everyone goes, and then it happens. Well, do you remember what happens that you have to prevent? What is it? Exactly. Well, do you remember? You remember, Anne. I know you remember. Everyone involved has, it's the mask. Well, because you have to wake up the four deities. Yeah, the deities. And they have to prevent what? Well, it depends what you, which game you're playing. Majora's Mask.

42:37Right, the Majora's Mask. But that mask is like, right, so there's a mask. Then you have to wake up the four deities, and then.

42:43Joe Santagato:Well, there's also, there are several masks. there could be yeah no no there are in the game there are several masks it depends how far you get in the game i only got to the majora's mask well that's the main boss so if you got to majora's mask at the end then you must have collected several masks along the way talking about the other oh i thought you were only talking about the one mask because i only count the majora's mask i don't count the other well you never have majora's mask the villain skull kid has it but that's what i mean so but what are you trying to prevent from happening he can't have the mask We need the mask.

43:13Yes, correct.

43:14Joe Santagato:We can't let them have it. But what's going to happen after three days? Bad stuff. Bad things. How bad? Catastrophic, earth-shattering. Yeah, but what causes those catastrophic earth-shattering events? Energy in the mask. It's the moon crashing into the planet. Exactly. Yeah, it's a metaphor, but also real. No, it's pretty real in the game. You want to step in here? Earth-shattering, I think he had it. I mean, yeah.

43:46Earth shattering I pulled right out of my little tiny butthole.

43:49Joe Santagato:Well, at least it's still tiny. But I always wonder if the Earth actually crashed into the moon or together they met, would it be like when things go through the atmosphere and it's like fire around it? Or if at a point it gets close, can I touch it real quick? You want to just be able to touch the moon? I don't think that it would be able to get – because if it got close, wouldn't just the gravity and everything just kind of just throw us or something? Yes. Yeah, that would be all fucked and, like, the water and tides and all that stuff. You ever see those AI videos where it shows the moon doing that?

44:23Oh, and it's like – Yeah. I don't like it.

44:30Joe Santagato:Yeah, I don't like that shit. It's over. I don't like those either. Or the ones where, like, people are in the water and then, like, they go underwater and they just see, like, a big face? Yeah, it's like a giant squid head. Listen, I don't, I'm not crazy about AI. That's the worst thing. What is worse? Looking in the sky and seeing, like, a face just fucking... Yeah. Or looking underwater and then just seeing an eye pop open like that? Absolutely the water. The water, right? Yeah. I kind of agree. It's not worse? The sky is so much worse. I feel like... How? Because that means it's gigantic. I mean, the water is pretty big, too.

45:08Like, Earth big.

45:10Joe Santagato:My issue would be is, like, why it's scary is, like, because it was there the whole time. I don't like being, like, it's below me. Why? Because it can curve my foot. I'm, like, so I've seen shit where it's, like, you get in the water and shit is dark. You can't see shit. Then all of a sudden, it's like this fucking giant squid face connected to a body of a pirate or something. Can you look up one of these videos that we're talking about? I really don't like it. Come on. There's a phobia. It's like something about giant shit. Well, I don't know what it is. I think that the open, like look up like.

45:47Joe Santagato:Like mesothelioma or something. That's not what you're supposed to. Thalassophobia is the fear of the open ocean. Mesothelioma? Isn't that? That's the cancer caused by, like, asbestos that you might be entitled to compensation. That's awesome. But, like, if you look up, like. Which is also scary, to be fair. You know, like, images underwater of face being scary. You want me just to Google that and we'll see what happens? Yeah. There's a fear. If you type, like, the fear of giant things. If you look that up and then type in TikToks with that. In water. In the water. In the water. TikToks. TikTok.

46:24TikTok. In water. No, that works. That works. Uh oh Well

46:28Joe Santagato:Megalophobia Megalophobia Or megalophobia probably See I don't know Because the megalodon is not megalodon There's some big ass shit that I'm like This one This one That one Yeah that's crazy though Yeah that is fucking Oh it's like those ones where it's like No no no scroll down scroll down scroll down It's those dude Those are not that bad because it looks like it's just a statue That is true It would be scary if I like was swimming and then underwater I look over and there's a fucking face Big face statue? I'd be like chill If it were like, just like a, you know how like the Japanese anime monsters, you know what I'm talking about?

47:00Joe Santagato:And they got like the teeth, like the guy from the gorillas. Yeah. And like you could count all the teeth because they're all separated. You know what I'm saying? Pick that one that says like level one, easy, level two, medium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those will fucking ruin your day. Let's watch this. Is volume up? Nope. Okay. We don't need volume. We don't need volume because we're all terrified. Got you. Okay. If I saw that, though, like a giant sea penis with teeth, I'm fucking never swimming again. Yeah. I mean, chances are I'm not going to be getting down that far anyways. Oh, it's got a cute tail, though.

47:29Fear of big... It's got a cute tail.

47:31Joe Santagato:It's got like a seal tail. Fear of big objects. Level one, easy. That's just a ship. Who's afraid of a ship with ship containers on it? A shipping container? Ah! Scary. Level two, medium. That's... Like, this is not... Yeah, I'm not. It's just a big ship. Now we're, I think, trigger warning for people that I guess have this thing. That's a good point. Okay, that's just a big ship with a chain. This looks cool. I would grab onto that chain. Yeah, I would be pumped. I will say this is a big ship. Okay, this is just ship porn. They tricked us into this one. They tricked us into ships. It's just, like, ships.

48:05Joe Santagato:Oh. That's getting there. That would be cool. That would be cool. To me, this is not extreme at all, though. Yeah, I mean, why is he cross-eyed, first of all? That's the scariest part, that you look over and this guy's just like, huh? Wait, hold on. You see the face on the side? Go to the right. What's that? Click on that. Click it. Click it. Click it. Oh, go click on that. Yeah. Click on. It shifts again. Oh, he fell. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, see, this is. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. This is not it. I'm actually terrified of this. Yeah, because now I don't like the. Okay, there's a man.

48:36Look to your side. I don't like. I don't want to watch this.

48:38Joe Santagato:Yeah, this is a good one. I don't like this. This is a good one.

48:45Joe Santagato:and not moving and then you have an angler fish and you're like what are you doing oh yeah the angler fish is not supposed to be there and then the pointing oh that's fucking holy shit that and now we're getting sucked into the engine dude fuck the are you kidding me the engine would be doing me a favor yeah I would pray to get shopping into the engine right keep going Click another one, H. Kick him out, come on, come on. Oh, you wanna see the ending? Yeah, yeah, I know you don't. You scared little bitch. No. Oh, and the boat's gone. No! Oh, my God!

49:25No, don't fuck with that, bro. I do not fuck with that in the slightest. Play another. Play another. Play another. Play another. No, no, no, no, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Watch it all the cheers, bro. The Titanic is gone insane. Back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up.

49:37Joe Santagato:No, no, no, not again! No! Go back to the face. Go back to the Asian one. We lost the face! There was an Asian looking one. Oh, go to that one. Oh, yeah. Go to that one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, go to that one. Oh, I don't like that. That's like a little girl. Choose your interest. Skip it. Oh, no. That's kind of... That's not scary. That's just stupid. I think this one was really... This one was really it. Go to the one to the left. What's the other one? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Too fake. Yeah, I don't really care much for that one. It's getting worse, though. Get away. The smile doesn't help. This is a banger.

50:09Yeah, that was fucked. That fucked me. What?

50:12Joe Santagato:Huh? I don't like it at all. Oh, that was a good one. Uh, no, but this is just a - this is just a statue. Like, this I'm not that - But that would also very freak me out, which is not a sentence. It's not. I would be freaked out. How did that get there? I mean, they - That's what I mean. They sank. And also, what are they talking about here? You know what I mean? There's like a four of them in a - OOOH!

50:37Didn't love that! At all! Why are you gagging? I don't know.

50:44Joe Santagato:I don't know. Oh my god, the statue's face is fucking moving. Why the fuck? No, no, no. That one was not - The first one was way worse. Alright, this is just - This is just fucking Gollum. Also - This isn't that scary. Level scary? The fuck? That's not that bad. I mean, it's gonna eat him. We know that. Yeah, whatever. He deserves it. Honestly, get that close to that idiot. This is extreme. Extreme. Sweet get for being that close. That first one was - That was a doozy. Why are we doing this? Because we're having fun I'm not That's not That's not extreme Okay Although that is pretty extreme That's a fucking Alright we're done We're done One more scary one I don't know if I One more super scary one I think we're getting lucky We're finding the good ones I know I think we're out Alright we're good We're good I don't need this shit Yo that was terrifying That scared me bro For real People audio only Those watching this They're like What the hell is happening The scream was We pulled up scary TikToks And it was like Faces underwater And they were like You know We're going to take a quick break for...

51:40Hello. I'm sweating now. I'm nervous. But we have some more sponsors. This one being Rocket Money. Rocket Money is an all-in-one personal finance app that is going to put money back in your pocket by finding and canceling unwanted subscriptions. You go on to their website or their app and you put in your stuff and then it tells you what you're spending money on every single month so you can find and cancel those unwanted things. Maybe it's a free trial that you forgot to sign up for or maybe you're realizing you're paying for this thing that you haven't even used in six months. So you'd rather be saving the money every month.

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53:54SeatGeek, BASEMENT2025. Get that 10 % off your tickets folks all right there you go cool um good lord when the moon hits your eyes like a

54:07Joe Santagato:bigger pizza pie i love pizza dude i love a pizza i had pizza two days ago i had a bite of one yesterday but then i went out for dinner and i say i that's why i was only a bite i would have had more than that you had one bite literally one singular bite and then threw it out no i gave it to the kids oh i literally gave your child a bitten yeah i was like oh ruby this is your yeah what kind of slice was it olives just olives black olives love olives on pizza olives and pepperoni were my go-to college pizza if you were paid a thousand dollars per pizza slice in a year but you had to eat that amount right how many you think you could eat.

54:57And if you don't hit that amount, then you owe that money. So if you pick like, let's say you go a hundred slices, you'll get a hundred thousand dollars if you eat a hundred in a year. But if you eat 98, you don't get any, I don't get any money. I don't get, I don't get$2 ,000. Yeah. You'd have to pay the difference.

55:12Joe Santagato:So how many can you eat? Here's the thing. This, I have to be strategic here because like I can in a sitting eat five slices, but if I was doing it every day, I'd get over it. My body, I, if I eat too much of the same thing my body goes just like that yeah like i'll gag i can't eat i can't eat oatmeal okay hot oatmeal i can't have it anymore literally when people eat it around me i gag it's disgusting to me because i had it so frequently in college interesting but with pizza how many slices you think you could do in a year realistically realistically let's break this down 52 weeks in a year i think i could i mean it's 365 days definitely easier to go by days excuse me i would say by weeks because you can just do the amount on weeks because if you're going by days then you need to have one per day i mean that's one way to look at it or you can have one every you can have every three days have five you know what i'm saying like no like instead of doing one per day it'll be a lot easier for your body so you could eat 10 a week i think i can eat 10 slices of pizza So your answer is like 500?

56:22I think I'm going to go 700.

56:25Joe Santagato:I feel like that is. 700 slices? I think so. That's like two a day. No. It's more than two a day. No. It's not more than two a day. It's just under two a day. Yeah. But I think I could do like on Monday have four. Right. On Thursday have four. That's eight. And then Saturday have four. 12 in a week. That's an insane amount. I think I could. 16 a week? And then if I don't have - Remember, if you don't, if you eat 699. By the way, that was 12 a week that I just said. 4, 4, 4. That was 12 a week, and that would only equal 624 slices. So you would owe$76 ,000. But I think the back half, I would kick into high gear.

57:14Joe Santagato:That back month, I'd be like, we got to - Bro, 700 is a crazy answer. too much what would you say to be safe probably 400 i think it's a 400 slices i think that's a responsible answer if i'm going irresponsible and these are full slices you're not like you're not doing domino personal pie slices yeah but like do you get extra money if there's toppings on it so like if i do pepperoni is it like a thousand and one is it eleven hundred dollars a slice no because that adds that i mean all that meat adds to it i mean that's just up to you you got get through 700 slices do pizza bagels give me like 50 cents or 500 bucks how many slices do you think you just eat a year anyway like you're not really paying attention to this obviously you're not getting paid but how many slices do you think you get a year i would say 50 50 slices yeah because i don't have it that often it's hard you think i don't have it that often and like but when i do have it i'll have like four or five slices Right.

58:18Joe Santagato:But you got to just think like. So if I'm doing once a month. That would be just. Once a month would be. That would be 60 right there. Yeah. But that's if I have it once a month. Right. You don't think you have pizza once a month? I would say once a month. So that's 60. So all right. 60. So yeah. I think. I think. Damn. I don't know. Well, this is money bags over here. He'd be like, I owe how much? I don't care. It's good debt. Oh, no, no, no. I'll take that debt. No, I'm making this very easy. I would say, not very easy, but I would say$300 ,000. Make$300 ,000. Yeah, I think I'll recant my$700 ,000.

59:06Joe Santagato:$700 ,000 is a fucking crazy answer. I think I would say$350 ,000 if we're going to go, like, if we would have to bid for who would get. Well, you had 400? I did have 400. So then I'll say 401. I would probably like, when it's time to eat pizza, 401. When it's time to eat pizza, I would probably like send it. If I was doing, I would have it twice a week in order to like put some distance in between when I'm having it. And I would do like Sunday and Thursday and eat as much as I can of pizza on both of those days. I don't know that I would get sick of one slice a day. Think about that. When's the last time you ate one slice?

59:48It's nothing.

59:50Joe Santagato:Yeah, but that's the thing. It's like you wouldn't be able to have just one slice. Because then you'd want another. I mean, I would if I knew there was like a thing. And the next day you'd be like, fuck, now I need to have two slices. I don't know. I can eat one. I don't have to eat one a day if I'm doing 300. And neither do you if you're doing 350. That's true. So, like, I could eat one a day and I'm, like, blowing it out of the water. And I don't think that's that hard. I'm giving myself 65 days of grace. I think my probable strategy with this is I would front load heavy the first two months.

1:00:20Joe Santagato:Heavy. I'm talking get as much as I can in those first two months. And then that third month, maybe every three days, four days, front two, back two, heavy loads. Heavy loads at the top and the bottom. and then in between is just kind of play slices it's not it's not a bad it's not a bad strat i would probably try to keep a baseline of like one a day but then like if it's like you go to your friend's house like oh we're just gonna order a pizza i'd be like you know get an extra pie i'm going fucking bonkers now so i could give myself a break and now we're doing standard extra large pies right or large pies we're not doing like obviously we can't do like small personal pies No, no, no.

1:01:04We're doing a pizza slice.

1:01:06Joe Santagato:I do think there should be something in there for personal pies are only$500. I mean, I'm not wasting a bite of pizza. I'm eating a regular slice. I mean, I would probably switch it up. Like, I wouldn't only have regular. Yeah, I'd get grandma, squares. Oh, but squares thicker. Does grandma count? Because I could beat that shit out of a grandma. If there's no cheese on this thing, that's the other thing. Oh, my God. That's not what I meant. That's the other thing. If I could do cheeseless slices, now we're in fucking trouble. Cheese? Bread? You want to eat bread? No, I'm saying like a grandma slice where it's just like - There's cheese.

1:01:44Joe Santagato:All right, so whatever it is where it's just sauce on top. What is that? There's cheeseless slices. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting crazy now. I think - I don't think the cheese is the issue. I think come January 1st, we should keep a legitimate tally. Of how many slices? Of how many slices. Or how about this? This kid would win. I know because he's a fucking freak. I know. He's a freak. He is. Where he's just like, oh, we ordered 19 pies to the house yesterday. I stayed up for 60 hours straight eating every single slice. And I streamed it. Yeah, I can't. And I streamed it and then I fucking played Mario Kart until my fingertips resembled a penis.

1:02:26if we if we that was an interesting detail um if we did january 1st for the entire year and we're like yo whoever eats the most pizza gets 10 g's yeah i know you're gonna win that's the thing i wouldn't even want to compete i feel like we would probably i think we should exclude him see this is the problem with winning you should give us odds then you're right i know that this

1:02:45Joe Santagato:is the problem with winning you're just you're just i just you know i think honestly i don't even think if it would win by fucking march i know because he because he's a freak he's a freak Like he's committed and is one of the few people I've met in my life. And this is an absolute compliment that is almost as committed to the bit as I am. If not, in some cases, way more committed to the bit. Yeah, I think he's way more. Bro, he before when you stepped out, he's like, yo, we drank all the alcohol in our house. I'm like, that's so much alcohol, dude. What does that mean? I don't know what that has to do with the bit.

1:03:15Joe Santagato:Well, I'm saying like you were committed to drinking and you did it. Right. Well, it's a whole thing that's going on. Yeah. I understand. I think you more than anyone I've ever met in my life. if I was like, if you, like, if, like, will you do, like, a hypothetical can be real. Yeah. Not only real, but you'll do it that evening. Like, the whole, like, can you tread water for an hour in a suit jacket? Yeah, that was like an example. You did that, that night. Also, if I was like, yo, do you think you could drink a case of Bud Lights in an hour? I feel like you would do it. That's really hard. Well, yeah, I don't think you would do it.

1:03:49I know that Danny would do it.

1:03:51Joe Santagato:If I said, could you drink a 12 pack of fucking surf sides in an hour oh my god I could do that yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean you'd be an hour's crazy honestly you'd be in you'd be in pretty rough shape I'd be incoherent coherent throwing up mess you're throwing a mess you wouldn't be throwing up because you'd have a tube shoved down your throat pumping it out first of all my heart would explode there's fucking caffeine in there it's tea yeah I just think I love you aunt we have to exclude you so I think we should come January 1st you and I just start a pizza counter and we need to agree it has to be if you choose to put toppings on it that's at your own discretion it needs to be legitimate slices it can't be little dominoes it can't be bagel bites it can't be pizza pockets it needs to be legitimate slices pizza pockets would be crazy my plan if we did this to be oh I'll have so many pizzas the first month that you guys won't want to do it.

1:04:53Yeah, I already know. Like, that's why immediately when I said this, I was like, I would quit so fast because by the end of January, you'd be like, I got 50. And be like, I'm not even going to get close to that.

1:05:03Joe Santagato:Yeah, no, I fully agree that it would not be fun for anyone but you. And even then, it probably won't be very fun because you would be in rough shape. There's no way I could commit to a year of this either. Yeah, I'll start losing things. Well, you got to understand, you're up against, first of all, if we're being really fucking transparent. Yeah. Even if you committed to it, I do think you have to acknowledge that I would eat you under the table.

1:05:38What are you going to do?

1:05:43Joe Santagato:Are you going to eat me under the table, dog? What the fuck? You know what I mean?

1:05:51that's amazing dude you gotta admit i would eat you under the table and you'd look admit that i would eat you under the table you have to understand

1:05:59Joe Santagato:you have to understand what i meant there yeah yeah you know i would i would i would yeah yeah i would outperform you i believe that i'm just a good eater it's just I'm a good eater I'm hungry all the time And I'm a good eater And I think you have to acknowledge That if it came to most Eating competitions I would beat you Probably Why did I say that like Oliver Twist Probably Winnie the Pooh over here Talking like fucking Harry Potter's aunt Probably Yeah probs He had to cool it up You saw that? He had a clue. Yeah, props. Probably. Yeah, props. I'm saying it like a fucking British orphan. I think, you know, we also tried to do, we won't do this because last time we tried to do an eating competition, I ended up in the hospital midway through the summer.

1:07:00Joe Santagato:Yeah, I mean. I mean, but that's committing to the fucking bitch. I don't think competition was ever. We weren't competing. We were. One of us was excited for. It was a competition. Did you hear about this? The first year that we coined the term dog second season, we committed to during the summer eating as many dogs as we could and every time we recorded coming in with an update. One of us by July, we started this in Memorial Day. One of us by July was at 25. One of us. They had like six? one of us indistinguishable as to who it was ended up in the hospital what were you in the hospital for? who said me?

1:07:48Joe Santagato:you're violating HIPAA laws by sharing that information if it's true what was someone in the hospital for? a health related illness that could best be described as not very good I think there's a clear Clear, clear reason as to how you ended up there. Is it clear? Is it? I don't think it's as clear as you might think there, Joey. The doctor's like, so has there been any changes to your diet? Um, no. Yeah. Hot dogs. I had a hot dog bowl. I had a hot dog bowl. What's a hot dog bowl? It's a little hot dog. Big ol' bread bowl. I just I think That Even I could beat you I've proved it Yeah I'm not Disputing Alright 25 hot dogs By July Whoever did that Between us That's pretty impressive No?

1:08:48Joe Santagato:Yeah Impressive's a word Correct It is a word As if you wouldn't be 25 By the end of the weekend I'd be 26 Come on Hmm I don't think that you could beat him Don't start You can't get me like that. No, but in a controlled environment, I think he beats you. Over the course of a year, we're just not going to commit that long. But in a single seating? Oh, maybe. Do we do a basement yard hot dog golf? I can't. We go dog for dog? Show me your dog and it's off time. I have a bad throat. I can't. Whoa. Who needs a good one? Well, I mean, you need to be a throat goat in order to down those glizzies. And you're the best.

1:09:29Well

1:09:31Joe Santagato:I'm not called the Gizzy Hello What are you called though He's not called the Gizzy I'm not called The Glizzy Gladiator With the throat goat coat throat goat Float coat float For nothing The ship is sinking Fast ladies and gentlemen Show the megalophobia videos again Wake us up The ship is going down. Wake us up. It's getting hot in here. That's actually a great point. I think that, I mean, you saw me in an episode when we had our hot dog friend here. I did four, five, right? Probs. And that was with dressing. That was with sauerkraut. If we're going straight dog and ketchup, you might be in trouble there, Big Daddy.

1:10:18At a baseball game? If you had to do, well, I mean, you don't drink beer, right? So what do you drink at baseball games? Jameson. Oh my god. Shut the fucking cameras off. You are literally...

1:10:33Joe Santagato:I'm gonna jump over there and fucking strangle you. You're at a baseball game and you get Jameson and what? The smack of the bat and the ball meeting. The clap of the glove and the ball meeting. The absolute spanking of the balls and the ass meeting. Does anyone know where he was going with that? What do you order? It's time for a Jameson. Jameson and what? Jameson, seltzer, splash of ginger ale. At a baseball game. That's crazy. There is such a thing. Why do they have it in the building? As the right drink in the wrong place. And that is the perfect example. That's the right drink in nowhere.

1:11:18Joe Santagato:No, I can see that being a tasty drink. I have no quarrels with the drink. I have issues with where you're consuming it. I'll tell you what. Same thing at the next game. Ugh. I feel like sporting events is beer. It's beer. It's beer. Or it's like a marg. Or it's beer. What's a marg any different? But marg is an outdoor drink. No one is in their right mind in the sun saying, give me Jameson. You're drinking a whiskey cocktail. You have to be surrounded by like wood. That's like if I were to go out on the beach and order an old-fashioned. Yeah, that's crazy. You'd say, what the fuck is wrong with you?

1:11:59That's wild. But if you're at a restaurant or you're surrounded by wood, then you can get an old-fashioned. But if I'm in the sand, you can't get an old-fashioned. You can't drink red wine.

1:12:07Joe Santagato:Watch this. Watch this. I'm going to name the drink. Joey's going to give it thumbs up, thumbs down for being outdoors, okay? Watch this. Pina Colada. Come on. Absolutely. Margarita. Of course. Guinness. Am I at the beach? No. But you're outside. Am I sitting on wood? Yes. Yes. You like that? Straight whiskey. Neat. That's indoors. That's indoors, and it's winter. You could drink that in a flask outside if you hate yourself, but you can't drink it if you live a good life. Outside. A porter. Nowhere. I don't like porters. I love porters. Do you? I love porters, dude. Porters and stouts. So good.

1:12:56Joe Santagato:I don't like them. It's just a deep, rich flavor profile. I love it. What, are you doing a commercial here? I mean, if they want it. Just a deep, fresh, complex. I don't know if it's still around. I hope it is. But it's from Connecticut. Back East Brewing. Best porter I've ever had in my entire life. You heard it here. Woof. It's too hot in here, and I can't. I can't. You can. I can't. but don't right well this episode's been fun ladies and gentlemen i think the wheels have fully fallen off at the moment uh frank where can they find you're in a sweater that's insane unbelievable the way your body regulates temperature is insane i'm actually pretty comfortable i'm oddly enough i'm more comfortable in this than i was before in a t-shirt i'm definitely a big sweat boy so i would not be i'd be covered in big sweat boy is getting eaten under the table yeah you know where to find me the frank alvarez all across social media then make sure you go check out the basement yard all across social media check out the patreon account patreon dot com slash the basement yard i told you guys earlier how to save some money if you want to join our patreon you can do it by going to the uh the address on a web browser instead of using the app and then if you're coming to any of our future shows make sure you go to the basement yard dot com slash submit submit your stories and maybe we'll talk to you about you with you and also there's still some tickets available for some of these shows so go check it out at thebasementyard.com and uh we're excited to continue uh as this comes out we have uh some august shows left we have september october november ending in madison square garden still crazy so go check it out at thebasementyard.com yep you guys can go follow me at joe sanagato and everything that frank said and that is all whoa whoa whoa where can they find you yeah where can they find you where can find you and Prisco on Instagram.

1:14:42Joe Santagato:Are we all better now? Ew, dude. Ew. Never again. Can't win. Can't win. That's all. We'll see you guys next time. Bow.

1:15:00Feeling short on smiles? Does your frown need to be turned upside down? We got the perfect dose of comedy. 30 minutes of scrubs.

1:15:07Joe Santagato:Zach Braff. Donald Faison, Sarah Chalk, and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs premieres Wednesday on ABC. And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. Hello, Superman.