#526 - Spooky Season Is Here!

16:23Frank, if your nutsack looks like this, we're going to talk about a doctor's appointment after this. All right? And if your nutsack looks like that, you're fired.

16:35Joe Santagato:Yeah, you gotta have good nutsacks to work here. Yeah, I check everyone's nutsacks. Let me see the cock-gobbling. Let me see your nutsack. I am not a cock-gobbling. You were the one that said you goggle cocks. You're the... I never said that! You gobble them. No, you're the bukkake chicken. Oh. Bukkaki. Bukkaki? That's my name. I'm Frank the Bukkaki chicken. Oh, my God. This is insane. Before, when I was in the makeup chair. Yeah. you guys insinuated that there is a line for how many clucks i elicit frank we're well past the line really i mean we'll we're only you know a couple minutes in here well you're you're gonna blow the roof off yeah we're at 16 so far 16 clucks yeah well i mean we're not gonna tell you what it was okay i can't yeah i imagine that you haven't passed it the line is I'm going to say 21.5.

17:33There's no way I would, like, I mean, I would take the over on that, like, easily. We knew you were going to bugock. Well, when a chicken, you be a chicken. Right? I agree. I commit to the fucking bit. Are you going to do something like Ninja Turtley? Like, do a flip? Can you flip? Yeah. I cannot flip. Can you do a cartwheel? You strike me as someone who can, like, do an athletic thing. Yeah, baby. What is that about?

18:01Joe Santagato:Can you do a cartwheel? I can do a cartwheel. Let's see it. No, you can't. Let's see it. Do a Ninja Turtle cartwheel. I used to be able to do a cartwheel, I guess. How long ago? Seven minutes. What? Am I? Does he think we're dumb? He does. Please do a cartwheel. I can't do a cartwheel. Why? You know, what's that thing where you lay on the ground, you get up real cool? Oh, kip up. Definitely cannot do that. Damn. I did one once in high school. No one believes that. Once? Nobody believes that. Why would I make that? If I was gonna lie Why? I'll tell you why Why? Because you're always making up stuff See, I don't like that I am not making up shit I just remember shit And you don't fucking You don't remember it So you think it's just a lie Oh, I remember I was in my room And it was so cool I did it No one was there to see it No, I did it in I did it in gym class In our It's always gym class Well, that's where I was Dared to do it Dared?

18:57Joe Santagato:Whoa, daredevil Stand up real cool fucking idiot over here i could probably get pretty close to doing one now but i'm not gonna because i got all this on maybe after i take it off but do a cartwheel dude there's i don't want you to because you'll break your arm i think no it'll just look awful will it probably also broke his arm doing a cartwheel once keith has told us he's broken every bone in his body he I said that, and it's so not true. But he has broken his nose. He broke his neck. He broke his arm. He broke his neck. I know those two for sure. I know he's broken his nose. Okay, that's three bones of the 206.

19:39Joe Santagato:Yeah. Fully breaking your neck is a crazy move. Yo, crazy that he broke his neck. Dude, and he played football with it. He broke his neck, went to the doctor, and they're like, oh, it's probably whiplash. So he wore, like, he didn't have, like, a neck brace on and, like, lived for another couple of days with a broken neck. He lived for several more years. He's still alive. He's still alive. Just so we're all on the same page. I meant like he walked around without a neck brace on and then finally went back to a different doctor and they're like, your shit is broken, my guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty nuts.

20:07And then he, yeah, he wore a neck brace. That was when the Giants won the Super Bowl. Yep. So we went to the parade and there was a bunch of drunk people around or whatever and we were mad young. And Key's got a neck brace on and all of a sudden some guy looks at him and goes, this kid broke his neck to be here. and the whole sidewalk was like yeah went fucking crazy dude it was awesome dude do you remember us throwing people in the air at the yankees parade yeah that was fun no one was safe from

20:36Joe Santagato:being thrown no what we were literally like you ever seen in like the shows where like people will get together and they're like oh and they throw them in the air there was like 15 17 year olds doing that and we were tossing people like 15 feet in the air it was it was a fun time You know, that was back in the day. Back in the day when kids could be kids and we had a good time and none of this hyper left-wing woke. Woke didn't exist. I love that you're turning into, like, drunk Uncle Chicken. Drunk Uncle. I'm turning into what Foghorn Leghorn is. Yeah. Woke. I say, I say, woke is a menace. It is a menace to society.

21:19Joe Santagato:I say I say I say the libs are trying to poison our youth This is freaking me out Honestly It's freaking me out I say I say If you believe Biden won that election You're part of the problem Problem I should just commit to being foghorn leghorn Yeah A racist cartoon chicken Is he racist? Close enough What is close enough? I'm not He's a chicken From like Fucking Florida You're gonna tell me He doesn't have a racist bone In his body He's from Florida Maybe I might have made that up That's a big detail He's southern So all southern people Are racist No No no no But There's some stuff Have you seen some of the Old Looney Tunes cartoons No I didn't see them When I was younger There's some stuff In there brother Why are you watching Cartoons from the 20's I put them on for the kids.

22:181920s cartoons.

22:19Joe Santagato:Yeah, it's cool. I'd like to show it to them and be like, this came out before your grandfather was born. So if I walk into your house, your children are watching black and white cartoons. Sometimes. But those are, there are some good ones. There are some ones that are just overtly racist. So you are showing them those. No, those are, they don't exist anymore. And I wouldn't show them if they were available. Yeah, you're showing them. Just to be very clear. You're indoctrinating your children. I absolutely am not. I say, I say, I show them in the good old times. That's what Foghorn Leghorn would do.

22:50What a name. Foghorn Leghorn. Were we hammered coming up with that name?

22:55Joe Santagato:We weren't hammered. We didn't come up with it. I know. Thanks for letting me know that. It was Mr. Looney Tunes. Who is that? Who made the Looney Tunes? Mel Blanc? Who's that? If you're right about that. I know Mel Blanc was the name. He was the voice of Bugs Bunny. Mel Blanc sounds like a liquor. And they were probably all drunk. Hugh Harmon and Rudolph Izzing? Oh, my God, a guy named Rudolph? By the way, if your name's Rudolph, guys, pack it in. Your name's Rudolph. Like, you're named after the deer. That's so interesting that you say that because you just had dinner with Giuliani. That's not even a good joke.

23:39Oh, his name is Rudolph. Yeah. But still.

23:42Joe Santagato:Yeah, that name sucks. Rudolph. I know. Bottom five. I haven't spoken to him in a while, but I know a Rudolph. Do you? Yeah. You call him Rudy? People call him Rudy, yeah. You can't call him Rudolph. Yo, naming you a baby Rudolph is bananas. I mean, all names are crazy if you think about it. You can't call him Dolph either. Who? Dolphy. Yeah, you can call him Dolphy. No, because people are going to think his name is Adolph. no because then you'd call him addy well i i wouldn't do that either well i just wouldn't name him adolph what's like a really what's like the top five worst baby names rudolph is up there rudolph gotta be up there gertrude okay let's just do men first okay rudolph kevin kevin kevin i feel like it's neutral it's not horrible but it's so neutral that like it it there it has no bearing on a name.

24:40Can you Google that? Top five worst boy names? I'm trying to think of like an old name. Oh, like a...

24:48Joe Santagato:This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security and pass keys you're protected at every step download the new PayPal app to get started see paypal.com slash protection terms Anfernee I was close to a lot of things of my name no Anthony I know that there are people that have named their kids I know what I'm saying like I think I'm not a big fan of Eugene oh yeah Eugene sucks Eugene Eustace oh my god Eustace Eustace that's an old that's an old skinny man that's an old skinny southern man with that hat with a Kangol you're just talking about the guy from Courage the Cowardly Dog I am thinking about that you just moved your hand and a piece of popcorn flew out

26:01ah ah ah ah ah

26:10Joe Santagato:Some of you have a lot of fun with this episode What do you got? They're just so ridiculous Gimme It's like colon Felony But it's spelled PH Oh are we in a place where we could do like Colon Colon would be a shitty name Colon pal Colin You idiot This might be Colin actually

26:41Joe Santagato:Colin Powell wait his name's not Colin it was Colin I think he's dead right bro is it not Colin no it's Colin I I went my entire life calling him Colin Powell you're fucking mean I I didn't know his name was Colin dude he was in the news for several years you should know it's Colin Powell Colin wait now hold on now I'm saying it and it doesn't sound right Look up Colin Powell. Colin Powell pronunciation? Just look at his name. The requests that we've had for you to Google so far have been out of control. It's Colin. It's C-O-L-I-N. That's Colin. Yeah, that is blatantly Colin, and I am blatantly wrong there.

27:22That's good. Well, I thought his name was Colin. You were wrong. Thank God I didn't meet him.

27:28Joe Santagato:I'd be like, how are you doing, Colin? No, you wouldn't even. You'd go first name when you meet him, Mr. Powell. and he'd say, please call me Colin. And he'd say, please call me Colin, which would be crazy. Please, please call me Colin. Are we moving into a place where like modern, like boy names, like Jaxton and stuff like that? Did those suck yet? That's on one of these. Jaxton and Braxton? Yeah. I know a Braxton. I don't hate Braxton. I don't mind it. I like Braxton. I think it's nice because of Tony. Tony Braxton. Tony Braxton. Yeah. I mean, you can't go wrong. Todd is on here. Yeah. Todd.

28:08Joe Santagato:Todd. You know what I don't love? Fred. But it's shortened for Frederick. Fred. Like, Todd. What does Todd stand short for? Todd. Todd. Toddman. That ain't it. Todd. Todd. Todd or Toddrick. Toddsworth. Toddsworth. Our names are also. Well, your name's not Frank, but like Frank and Joe. I mean, but Joseph. It's biblical. People will give you a pass. Francisco. I think it's a great name. I love my name. I like Francisco. Thank you. Francis is bad. Yeah, Franklin sucks nuts, too. There's a dog in my building named Franklin, and I like it for dogs. Yeah. Just like I like the name George for dogs. I agree.

28:50George. Georgie. Albert for like a fat dog.

28:56Joe Santagato:That I like. Yeah, I'm okay with it. I'm trying to think of other just miserable boy names What about girl names? Well we went Gertrude sucks

29:09Joe Santagato:Beth Beth Right? Beth? How do we feel about Beth? Ant's like really staying quiet because he doesn't want to offend anyone who has these names Is that your mom? What's your mom's name? Kim I like Kim It's just a classy white woman I like Elizabeth Elizabeth Elizabeth. What about Ruth?

29:35That's how I chicken things.

29:37Joe Santagato:I, Ruth? The jury's out on Ruth. I need to meet a bad Ruth to make me hate it. And I don't think I've ever met a good Ruth. I'm thinking of Red, though. Like a red-haired Ruth. Ruth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I see that. What about Dorothy? I kind of like it. Dot. That's the nickname. Dot. I kind of fuck with that. I kind of fuck with Dot. Dot's sick. Dot. Dottie. Damn. That's old Dottie over there. Who? Dot. Dot's a sick name. I knew an old bag named Dot back in the day. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never knew a Dot. I knew old bags. Never knew a Dot. My grandma's name was Catherine. She was an old bag.

30:17Joe Santagato:That's an old bag. My grandmother was Gloria. I like Gloria a lot as a name. Gloria is an old woman's name. There's like that golden era of names that's coming back. Like Barbara. Barbara, Gloria. Ruby is kind of of that time. Pearl. I love Pearl. Ooh, I kind of like Pearl. Rose. Ooh, I like Rose. An honorable mention for bad names, you have to throw Karen in there now, right? Yeah, Karen. Yeah, that's a tough one. If it's 2025 and you're naming your child Karen, you know what you're doing. You know what's an unfortunate one, too? Carol. I don't mind Carol. I don't like it. I like Carol because it reminds me of Christmas.

30:54Joe Santagato:Christmas Carol. Have you ever gone caroling? I don't think so. Have you caroled? No. I went caroling once. And? And nothing happened. I will say that - What did you sing? Like the religious Christmas songs or the fun ones? We sang, well, it wasn't a real caroling. I was at Nappy's house. We were like in seventh grade. And like a bunch of us just went because we thought it'd be funny. And we just like rang his neighbors like on his block, all their doorbells. And we would sing Christmas songs, but we don't know all the lyrics to them. Hysterical. We were saying, I knew whatever I said you would say that because you're a mean chicken.

31:32And I'm going to spatchcock you. Oh. Yeah. I'm sweating. Are you?

31:37Joe Santagato:Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, you're wearing a, I mean, you know. Well, I'm in a jacket and about 40 pounds of makeup and glue. Yeah, you're in a, I mean, all the feathers. The feathers. The feathers. The feathers are not helping. Yeah. What are you going to do about it? You want to say something like with the bagok at the end of it? Just give me something. Just give me one good bagok. Like, you want me to just let a bagok fly? Yeah, just fucking rip one. Just fucking rip a bagok. Rip and fucking dip, right? Yeah, move it. It's like, please move the mic back. Just rip a good one. And, like, look up and do it.

32:15Come on. Ah! Ah!

32:18Joe Santagato:Ah! Ah! Ah! How much time do you spend around chickens that you're able to do that? Dude, I'm a good chicken. I'm a funky chicken, baby. You are a good chicken. Anyway, we have some sponsors for today. I'm going to try and read these as best I can. Don't do that. I'm going to do it during the ad. Please don't. I'm going to do it. All right, I'll try not to laugh. All right. Don't do a lot of it because we also have to get these out. All right, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I almost broke my nail. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is going to be the website where it's going to help you build your website because your website is your first impression.

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33:52All right. You're welcome. And we also have, it's hard to type. It's hard to type. Uh, we have, uh, sorry. We have Wayfair. Okay. Wayfair. They got everything. Okay. Chances are, if you're out there and you have an apartment or a house that you've had to furnish, you got a piece of Wayfair in your house or apartment, all right? They got everything there, and it's the holidays, so you can shop for holiday decor for every room in the house. It's all furniture and stuff like that. But there's something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget. They make it easy to tackle your home goals this holiday season with endless inspiration for every space and budget.

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35:04Joe Santagato:Yep. And you know what? If you want to spruce up your home and a website or whatever you're going to be doing with your time, you know what else you could spruce up? your brain, your heart, your funny bone, by going to patreon.com slash thebasementyard. I tell you about it every single week, and it's the best way to support us here at San Agado Studios and at the Basement Yard. Go to patreon.com slash thebasementyard. Take a look. Take a look around. Maybe you'll find something. You never know what's in there. And if you sign up for that first tier, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance.

35:34Joe Santagato:And then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you could start and end your week with the Basement Yard. so do yourself the favor you want to save yourself a couple money while signing up go to www.patreon.com slash the basement yard on a web browser and sign up there if you use a smart app it's going to take extra money from you okay so go check it out patreon.com slash the basement thank you guys for getting us to over 34 000 maybe closer to 35 i'm not even sure i haven't seen the number lately but we love you we appreciate you thank you and we're almost done with our shows but if you're coming to any of our shows go to thebasemnyard.com submit and submit responses to our questionnaire okay some of the episode some a portion of the show we like to be interactive we talk to you about you with you if you got cool crazy funny stories there are some of our favorite parts of the shows we want you to be a part of them so go to thebasemnyard.com submit let us know what shows are left that you're coming to there's not much and uh submit a story an answer it's gonna be fun it's gonna be a good time we love you we miss you we're excited to see

36:43Joe Santagato:I, in the interest of spooky season, I wrote a scary story. Oh, God. For the mother of God. I wrote a scary story that's going to send shivers down your spine, Joey. Ah. And it's going to stick with you for all eternity. I'm sweating. Yeah. Are you? You're pitting? Your armpits are a little brown, which is concerning. Why is that concerning? Why would that be brown? It was a sweat. All right. I'm going to take off my claw. Yeah. So they're talons, I think. Thank you. Counting that as two. So I wrote a scary story to send shivers down your spine because I know that it's the season and Joey loves spooky things, so I wrote a story tailored to...

37:40Frankie, you literally just said the same thing five times. You wrote a spooky story.

37:45Joe Santagato:Meant to scare you. Are you ready? Yep. Try not to be scared. I have a feeling this is going to be not scary at all. It was a muggy day in the swamps of Florida. Oh, God. Joe was staying at a motel. I don't like this at all. I don't like this at all. With Charlie, and he knew it was time to start his day. Wait, what? Your scary story is me in a motel in Florida? It's very muggy. Oh, right. He opened his door. He opened his phone, and he wanted a DoorDash coffee, but... His phone was dead. Is this going to? Okay.

38:38Huh?

38:41Joe Santagato:So, Joe had to step outside in 95 degree humidity and bring Charlie on a walk to get coffee. That's not how humidity is measured. 95 degrees, 95 % humidity. Are you scared yet? Is this the whole it's going to keep being mundane things that I are mildly inconveniencing? As Joe steps outside, he's hit immediately with the scariest thing he could experience a level 14 on the UV index. What did you say? Level 14 on the UV index. Oh, I see. That is pretty scary. Is that even possible? I don't know. That would be scary. Joe panics. Yeah. The fear sets in. He forgot his hipster Brooklyn hat that has a picture of a llama on it.

39:40Joe Santagato:He runs. He grabs his sunscreen. Oh, no. It's empty. My sunscreen is empty? Yeah. So far, I'm in Florida taking my dog to go get coffee and the sun's out. So now Joe has to venture out into public and find a coffee shop. But it's not a local small business. It's a Starbucks. That would be scary. I don't like Starbucks. I know. That's why I put it in here. Joe in an instant just asked for coffee and was handed an iced coffee for his travel Joe while on his walk takes four sips

40:45thank you for doing the sounds

40:47Joe Santagato:but oh no after his fourth sip he begins to feel a rumbling in his tummy Oh, this is going to start with pooping my pants. This is what's going to happen. Joey looks at the cup, and Charlie begs to find a tree to piss on, and then Joe realizes his worst nightmare has come true. Oh, no. He was handed a nitro cold brew with whole milk. Ah!

41:20In what state do you have to be in? to write something like this.

41:29Okay.

41:34Joe Santagato:Joe's IBS begins to flare up and he's running with Charlie. You don't have IBS. Charlie is shitting uncontrollably and then there are hissing cops. Why is the dog shitting? Why is the dog shitting uncontrollably? Because it's a nightmare. Okay. And he does even during the day too. Your dog shits all the time. Charlie shitting uncontrollably and then hissing cockroaches fall out of his butt whose butt Charlie's that's scary that is right yeah I tried to write this thinking of what you are afraid of and the what your dreams are normally like what I'm gathering is that you don't know me at all and there's more Joey I bet there is the cockroaches are crawling up Joe's white pasty legs which are beginning to get sun-kissed.

42:25I feel like the adjectives weren't

42:26Joe Santagato:needed. White pasty? However, with just enough time to spare, Joe finds a dun-dun-dun public bathroom. This is a nightmare now. I think I probably had this nightmare. With no stall. What would be in there? Oh, just a urinal. Well, I can't. I'm not going to shit in a urinal. Unless I was alone and desperate. You are. Did you not hear about your IBS flaring up? You're right. Joe enters, clutching his Tiffany-stamped Patek Philippe. I wish. This is no longer a nightmare. This is a dream now. He sits on the rusted toilet seat and feels the rust scrape against his bottom. Why'd you get British at the end of that?

43:21Joe Santagato:His bottom. As on the toilet seat, he begins to relieve himself and takes his phone out of his pocket. It wasn't dead. Oh, it turned on. Yes, son. He stares at his phone and sees several missed calls. from his financial planner. Uh-oh. He listens to a voicemail and he hears, Bitcoin is tanked. Ah! I don't have that much Bitcoin. Ethereum! I don't have that much crypto. I mean, I have a decent amount of crypto. It's tanked. Right. And all his watches are fake. Now we're back in the nightmare. Now we're back in the nightmare. Wait, the Patek Philippe was fake? Yeah. No. A cold sweat comes over Joe.

44:12Joe Santagato:He now realizes that the market has crashed and he is in potential financial ruin. Yeah. Joe gets up. No toilet paper. He runs as fast as he can, sprinting. And he looks down to see he's wearing no pants and has crapped himself all over again. Where are we going with this part? But as Joe is running, he realizes he's not running fast at all. He's moving in slow motion. And now the worst part of his nightmare has come true. He has lost the ability to run.

44:56At this point, I'm very confused.

45:01Joe Santagato:Now sweaty and sunburned. How is there more? How? Frank. How is there that much? Joe is covered in shit Right And has to make it home for the F1 big race A quick change of clothes is required But the only place available that's open is a thrift store I've shopped at thrift stores He opens the door to the thrift store to see that there's a mannequin with only three clothing items available This should be good One One, a minor league baseball hat. Well. Two, a loud patterned shirt. This feels like a fantasy of yours now. And three, the scariest item of all, cargo shorts. Oh, so it's a combo between the two of you.

45:55Joe Santagato:He must accept that he has to become what has always scared him. A person who wears clothings that aren't minimalistic in design.

46:11you almost lost your hat is that the end of it it's still going okay

46:21Joe Santagato:joey used his credit card to buy his clothes and he's maxed it out because he's in financial room oh because yep the market

46:31Joe Santagato:now finally he's heading home Phew. He avoided a real nightmare and disaster. Which did I avoid? Joe gets back to his place with Charlie, who has spray shit the whole way home. Thank you for adding that. And he finds a room of smiling kids as he opens the door. That's terrifying. And seemingly very illegally ill. They hand him an espresso martini, but oh no! It tastes like it's been pre-made!

47:06Joe Santagato:and with cold brew coffee again oh now we're back joe has to kick the kids out but more and more of them keep arriving he doesn't know where they're coming from he doesn't know what to do finally he turns on espn and the big f1 race is starting right one by one the room gets more crowded with creepy smiling kids but Joe stares at the TV to avoid eye contact but oh no the cars can't drive fast anymore

47:47I'm gonna wait

47:56You just tip your cap

47:59Joe Santagato:The F1 cars can't drive fast anymore What's he gonna do? How is he going to be happy? When will this nightmare end? He thinks maybe ordering food will help Frank, how is there more to this story? This is way too long There's not that much more How much is it? How much is left? We're on the last couple sentences. Jesus Christ. He thinks ordering food will help, but his chicken wings turn into little buffalo-flavored penises. He chews on them. What? That's it. Joe's had enough. He's too terrified. He knows that leaving the room will stop this nightmare, but in order to leave the room, he needs to say bye to every person in the room.

48:47I can't Irish exit. is that where it ended the end that's where it ended got it when did you write that i want to

49:00Joe Santagato:know about setting in which i have a lot of time to myself to think uh-huh on my car rides to and from and let's just say that the creative juices were flowing the other day right and uh i thought But what could be the scariest scenarios that I could put you in? Right. Having cold brew coffee with whole milk from Starbucks. Terrifying. Why is that terrifying? I mean, the cold brew. You tell me. I mean. The cold brew would just make my heart go crazy. Yeah. Having a not Irish exit. We don't have to go through all of them. I understand what you're getting. You got it. You got it. I wrote down other things that scare you too.

49:41Joe Santagato:Having to wait in the general TSA security line. The general line? Having no pre-check. At this point, that would be very scary. I thought I could make something that would really scare the tits off you. Well, color me, Taylor. Color you, Taylor. Was that scary? What's your name? You tell me. You said that earlier. Did you like it? I hated that. Absolutely hated that. Why? A child handing me an espresso martini. It's been pre-made. That was actually the first thing I thought of. The only thing was like, if a child came up to my door and offered me an espresso martini. First of all, they're in my house apparently, right?

50:25Yeah. Right. I just meant in life, like in real life. Yeah. If a child offered me an espresso martini at my front door, would I take it? Yes, you would. I don't know. Stop lying. What is I don't know? The answer is certainly no.

50:37Joe Santagato:I would not. I with confidence can say no. Can you? Maybe if they take a sip first. I'm not worried about them poisoning me I'm worried about So you not only want to accept an alcoholic drink from a child You want them to consume it in front of you That's a good catch You're adding crime You're adding criminal elements I think I'd take it Just so they don't have it obviously It's like a Samaritan Got it That spooky for you Did that give you goosebumps Joey Good gravy lady Bargok we do have more this is it's very hard for me to function with the nails i feel like i'm going to break them at any second uh we do have some more sponsors here we have zocdoc uh zocdoc is uh you know it's a platform where you can book doctors it's a free website website and app where you can search and compare high quality uh in network doctors and click to instantly book your next appointment so when you go on this website you type in your insurance and then uh And you can find, you know, whatever doctor you need in your area, like a primary care physician or you want a dermatologist or something like that.

51:45They will pull up the ones in your area and their next available appointments. And most of the time it's within, you know, like one to two to three days. So it's a pretty quick turnaround. But this is what I used before they were a sponsor on the show just to find out, like, which doctors are in my area. I honestly have to go see a dermatologist soon because I haven't done my checkup. I mean, look at you. Yeah. Thank you. And I have to do a checkup soon. So I will use ZocDoc. I will try to find the ones that are in my area. So stop putting up all of your stuff. Stop putting up. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash basement to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today.

52:29That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash basement. All right. So get yourself some ZocDoc and also lastly here we have hymns hymns offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that may work including choose oral medication serums and sprays okay doctor trusted clinically proven ingredients like vinisteride and minoxidil can further can stop further hair loss and regrow in as little as three to six months Okay, so there's no hidden fees, no surprise costs. It's just personalized care on your schedule. Okay, so think of them, you know, as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self.

53:11For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ED, weight loss, and more, visit hymns.com slash basement. That is hymns.com slash basement for your free online visit. All right? Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Again, that is HIMSS.com slash basement. So there you go, folks. I'm going to get my nails out of the way.

53:50You like my spooky story? You got a piece of popcorn in your face. Where? Over there No it's on the other side Yep keep going Keep clawing at it Go more towards your face Yep there you go you got it Keep going keep going One more Give it a good one One more good one There you go you got it It's on the table now And there it goes Well there you have it folks I think we have an

54:19Joe Santagato:Anchor tail Anchor tail Anchor tail I was going to say A question of the day here is that, oh no, a toilet in your house becomes sentient. It could talk to you. It could speak to you. Oh no. But it absolutely hates when you poop in it. There isn't a question there, by the way. That was supposed to be an anchor. Yeah, a question. And where's the question? So the question is, are you still pooping in there? First of all, know your fucking role and shut your mouth, toilet. You know what you're there for, bitch. You're going to get into a screaming argument with your toilet? No, I'm just going to treat it like my little bitch.

55:00But it's your toilet. Yeah. Yeah. What if it just pleads to you while you're on it? Like, please. Please stop shitting. No, no, no more poop.

55:09Joe Santagato:First of all, it's poop related. I hate this question. You know that, aunt. Well, then you know what you have to do? Just be an adult and you'll be fine, I think. I'm not an adult. I'm a chicken. Okay? But it does like piss, if that helps. I mean It does like it Yeah Oh my god This is some good piss Well the only The thing is that Those usually happen At the same time Oh So maybe you can Bargain with it Say I'll drink more Fluids If you let me Crump in here once Crump? Yeah Take a big fat one Take a drump If a If a What are you doing? I'd probably have to Bargain with it Now if it's Is it like every toilet speaks because then i'll just get another i'll use another bathroom for crunk every one of your toilets in your house so i have to go outside of my house you'd have to go outside your house what if i hell no what if i wore headphones and i couldn't hear the screams you muffled the screams that's so fucked up please stop shitting i have to hell what if it's for some reason this is reminding me of human centipede which sucks which it does remind you well that That makes sense.

56:22Joe Santagato:That movie sucks. All three of them. Which one would you rather be? The front. Oh, if you couldn't. What kind of question is that? Actually, that's an easy question, I guess. You might as well be the middle. Might as well. That's the worst, brother. Actually, is it the worst? Yeah. What do you mean, is it? Yeah, it is. In the end, you're just eating shit. Yeah, and in the middle, you're eating it and you're fucking getting your shit licked. That's what I'm saying. At least you're getting something out of it. Oh, so you're taking it like someone's eating your shit. I mean, I just don't know which is better.

57:02Obviously, the first is what you want.

57:05Joe Santagato:I mean, I don't want to be anywhere on a human centipede. Thanks. Let's make that abundantly clear. I would rather, if I had to, though, I'd be the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying you can't be that one, obviously. That's so miserable. Maybe the last one is the best Because you don't have your butt sewn I mean Then you're eating How many ever people are in front of you's crap Dude Should we just kill the guy who thought of this? Yeah It's kind of fucking insane We should haunt him Haunt? Haunt I mean I can't Nor can I! That was really good You like that? That was really good I'll give him bad eggs.

57:49Joe Santagato:Can I make eggs? Yeah, dude. Chickens make eggs. Not roosters. Are you a rooster, though? I am not a cock. Right. You're just a... I'm just a... Oh, no, it's hens and roosters. Hens and roosters. So what's a chicken? I think that's the genus. That's the umbrella. That's the brand. So it's... Yeah, it's... That's the model. No, that's the make. The model would be hens or roosters. Right. You know? Yeah, chicken's like the Ford. I'm falling apart over here. What do you mean? I'm in pain. Why? I'm hot. I am uncomfortable. You're hot, then you're cold. You're yes, then you're no. You're in, then you're out.

58:31Joe Santagato:You're up, then you're down. What's that song? That's the song about Katy Perry. Oh, no, that's a different one where she's like, I was making out chicks. That's I Kissed a Girl and I Like It. Yeah. That was her second hit, hot and cold, yes and no, in, out, up, down, wrong, right, black, white. Fight, break up, kiss, make up. Right. Yeah, and that's a great song because it's opposites. Yeah, because she's saying, like, I can't read you, dude. Antonyms, if you will. I can't read you, Justin Trudeau. Right. Yeah. That's her guy now. Yeah, they're dating. That's good. Good for them. Good for them.

59:04Joe Santagato:People are, like, do they like Katy Perry again? They hated her for something. I did see a video. They didn't like she went to space. Oh, yeah, she did go to that. She was, like, everywhere. Allegedly went to space. Oh, boy. Did they go to space? Oh, boy. I don't know. That's what we're doing? That's what we're doing here? I did see a video of Katy Perry recently at her concert. She tried to do, like, a running slide. Didn't go anywhere. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Uh-oh. I dislocated a nail. Pull it off. She tried to do, like, not a baseball slide, but, like, a soccer slide. Like, on your knees. Oh, wow.

59:43And her knees just stopped dead in the tracks. She just went straightforward. Yeah. That's bad.

59:48Joe Santagato:I don't know why, like, people were, like, all in on Katy Perry. And then I think, like, ever since the Super Bowl, people were just like. No, I thought they fucked her at the Super Bowl. After. I'm saying after the Super Bowl. Oh. And then they were just like, no, no, no, Katy Perry. I don't know. And now people don't like her. I have nothing against Katy Perry. That was, like, one of my biggest crushes growing up. California girls. My God, I was a man after seeing that. You became a man after you, California girl, they're undeniable. She's got strawberry shortcake tits and she's shooting cream out of them.

1:00:23I mean, how is this even allowed on TV?

1:00:25Joe Santagato:Yeah, it was basically softcore porn. Soft, I mean, I'll tell you. You went hardcore. You went hardcore on that porn. Yeah, I did. Oh, come on. Come on. Your wig is starting to fall back. Don't. You're good. You're good. Ha. Yeah, and then. Who was your first, like, crush? oh no it's Christina Ricci I'm talking about like Christina Ricci and Casper uh give me all of them like growing up I mean Trish Stratus was in there pretty early on okay a lot of wrestling ones early on Trish Stratus let's skip those okay uh man I mean Kimberly the pink Power Ranger ah you know She was up there Katy Perry was there at a certain point She got there eventually I remember you liking Taylor Swift I did, I did, I like Taylor Swift I think she's a pretty woman I can recall you saying to me You were like She's such a pretty person Yeah, I still stand by that I remember that I think she's a very pretty person Natalie Portman was up there I like Natalie Portman I think she's a very good looking woman.

1:01:37Avril Lavigne was very.

1:01:39Joe Santagato:Whoa. Skateboard. Avril Lavigne. That's a different one. Nice. And then. You liked girls that wear ties. It was cool. And checkered. Checkered socks. Yeah. And just like. I don't give a fucking fuck. How many times. Fuck you. How many times did you get horny going into a hot topic? Oh man. Probably countless. Oh yeah. A couple times. You were walking in and you were just like. On your birthday you went to PAX on. They're just Spencer's. Anyone who worked at Spencer's, essentially. Yeah. That's Frank's dream location. Hold on. What does that mean? Hold on. He tried to book a Spencer's for his wedding.

1:02:14Joe Santagato:I did not. What is it? Oh. I liked Spencer's when I was a teenager because they had a lot of prank stuff. Yeah. And as a young adult because they had a lot of drinking paraphernalia. Oh. So who else? And I think Spy Kids 3. The... Alexa Vega? Is that the one that's in the game? That's not, spoiler alert, not real. Like the... This guy's spoiling Spy Kids 3D. You know what I'm talking about? That girl? I've never seen Spy Kids. Do you know who I'm talking about? Emily Osment? No. I don't think that's Emily Osment. I think she's in Spy Kids 3. Wait, you liked a digital woman? I guess it's too deep of a cut.

1:02:53Oh, it was a real person, but it was like in the game. It turns out she's not a real player. Either way, it's a whole thing. Oh, so they did like a Sixth Sense thing in the fucking Spy Kids? They did. They did do a Sixth Sense thing. Wow, did you cry? Like, was this sad? It did make me think, like, oh, all right, well, I might as well not now. You might not like her now. She's not a real person. Because she's not a real person. Oh. I was confused.

1:03:11Joe Santagato:You saw no value in her because she was not a real person. Right. Well, if I can't have her body. If I can't have her, then who cares about her? What's the point of even liking her? What's the point of even giving a fuck about this fake-ass woman? Yeah. Well, that was kind of your introduction to anime. Hentai? Technically, yeah. Yeah. What was? Fake whatever. It was like a real actor. No, I know. No, we know. But you immediately saw no value in them because you couldn't see yourself with them. She-go. She-go. Hell yeah. Okay, Kim Possible. Guy with taste. That's right. Also, who was the one from Danny Phantom?

1:03:47Joe Santagato:I don't know. I know who you're talking about. That was also kind of gothy. Yeah, I guess you were into the goths. I was really into Roxanne from Goofy Movie. Well, duh. Yeah, I thought that's base level. That doesn't count. That was like my dream. Yeah, I mean, duh. Like, that's everybody, you know? I mean, I'll tell you this. As a nine-year-old boy, first time I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Holy hell. I mean, come on. I mean, I was suggesting. That woke up a whole new side of me when I saw Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit, though, I was kind of like, I could never handle that. Like, that's an old woman.

1:04:20You were thinking that way? I was thinking, like, that's so much woman, she'll fucking kill me. She'll probably never like me.

1:04:25Joe Santagato:I remember, like, on, like, the special features of that DVD, it was like. Oh, my God. She was drawn to, like, be able to not walk. Like, physics would not allow this person to walk. Oh. Yeah. What about Tinkerbell? Is that weird? It is because I think technically it's a child. Well, they all were childs and we were childs. No, I think Tinkerbell. I don't know. Roxanne wasn't an adult woman. Yeah, she was in high school, I think. It's fair. It's very fair and very true. She was older than me, though. Oh, my God. Lola Bunny. Yeah, Lola Bunny and Space Jam. I mean, yeah, damn. Joey saw her fucking hit one three pointer and he was all in.

1:05:04Joe Santagato:Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I would have to like really find one of the first Patreon episodes that we ever did together. We went through like childhood crushes. Did we? Yeah. It was old, old, old. We might want to revisit. Have you ever hear the thing about the hear me out? Hear me out cake? Yeah. We never did that. I was about to ask if you guys ever done one. No, we can do a hear me out cake. Do you have any that you're like, oh, this is probably a weird one, but I liked them. I'm sure if I sat and I really committed to coming up with something I can, the only one I could think off the top of my head so we don't give it away because we'll do it for a Patreon episode, the dragon from Shrek.

1:05:38That's a good one. She had crazy eyelashes.

1:05:42Joe Santagato:Those hips, dude. Hips? Oh, she does shake her ass a little bit. She fucking wags that shit. She kind of does. She's got a fucking full, crapped-in diaper of a butt. Is that good? Bah. That must be good then. Mrs. Puff. Mrs. Puff? Mrs. Puff? That's a crazy one. Oh, you're horny. That's a good one. That's a good hear-man. I don't... Yo, you know what's kind of crazy? This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place.

1:06:24And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

1:06:31Joe Santagato:Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Joey's going to come up with hear me out that are just like drawn good looking characters. Like they need to be like, hear me out. This might seem a little crazy. All right. So, I mean, is this a crazy one if I say Sandy Cheeks?

1:06:52No. No, I don't think it's crazy. like would Nala like that's a lion no that's a that's an but it's a lion you know so that's a good hear me out

1:07:00Joe Santagato:no that's an obvious one dude Nala when she does the like the eyes like she looks at Simba what I don't know that made me laugh you're referencing a specific point hear me out we should do it we could do a hear me out kick yeah let's do a hear me out kick patreon episode within the next couple weeks mine R.I.P. by the way but mine used to be Diane Keaton not that she's like a hear me out yo you know what's crazy is we watch beck and i last night watch first wives club i was watching that movie diane keaton reminds me a lot of your mom damn don't tell she's got like a regal like royalty to her diane keaton or my mom both they're regal yeah i think your mom has like a regal beauty to her and so did diane keaton wow well now i feel weird talking about how i really liked her in uh I watched that movie.

1:07:51Yeah, it didn't help that. It was his Hear Me Out. Yeah. I mean, it's okay. It's not my Hear Me Out because I think that she was a great-looking woman. Right. But as a young person, I saw... What's that movie called with her and Jack Nicholson? Something's Gotta Give. Something's Gotta Give. Or As Good As It Gets. I was like, I'm attracted to this woman. Yeah. Let it fly. There was another one that I was really into. An older woman. I was like, gosh.

1:08:15Joe Santagato:I think Susan Sarandon is a good-looking woman. Susie C. That's another good one. No C anywhere in her name. Susie C. Randian, Frank. You're not listening. You know, I like Maggie Smith. Dame Maggie Smith. Oh, that's McGonagall, RIP. Yeah, like fucking Secret Garden, dude. I was like, chill. You wanted her to go into your Secret Garden. I wanted to, well, what's that mean? You wanted her to eat your butt. Oh, I wasn't necessarily thinking all that. Yeah. Not the deets of that. You didn't get that far into it. No, no, no. But I was thinking about gardens. I love that movie because they have one of those old keys.

1:08:54Joe Santagato:I love old keys, dude. And look at my hand. Imagine I had my hand on a key and I was able to just turn. Dude, that's terrifying. I know. That's a really scary picture. I do wish we had a very old key that you could just hold. Google. I wish I had a key or a lantern. What are you doing here, you kids? That would be scary. Dude, you're actually scary. Yeah. You're actually really scary. Thank you. You're like not like most girls. You're like really scary. You're really cool. You're like cool, but also like really spooky. The thing about me is that like I actually like football. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:09:32Joe Santagato:Oh, my God. Beer, please. Beer, please. Buffalo wings. Buffalo wings. Make them filthy. Make it. Get me a Michelol Ultra and get me a golf club in my hand. Yeah. Excuse me. I asked for mozzarella sticks, not a salad, sir. You're hungry. I am very hungry. Very, very hungry. That popcorn did nothing for me. You ate two pieces of chicken. What do chickens eat? Grains, worms. Worms? Yeah. I look like I eat worms. You look like you live with the worms. I honestly would eat a worm, I think. Not. Eh. No. Eh. No. You can't be saying that. I think like, no, because when I, I've held worms and I'm like, I don't like this.

1:10:22And like, they look like they would have a juice.

1:10:24Joe Santagato:You know what I'm saying? I mean, I think you can, if you cleaned up an earthworm really good, I think Joey would eat it. Bro, what an existence for worms. What is that? Circle of life, baby. They eat the dirt, they die, they supply the dirt and they die and they eat it again. That's probably not how the circle goes, but the same with us. Yeah. do you ever hear those things it's like people die and then they use their body as like fertilizer yeah there's things that you could do when you die you get put into like a pod and a tree grows from you i think that's pretty cool i think that's fucking fire i think that's really cool yeah i heard neil degrasse tyson say like you die you get cremated the fire that is used to burn you energy goes out into space and your energy is one with the universe that's fire i want neil degrasse tyson to talk at my funeral if he makes it if he makes it dude we should do me a favor can we get neil in here and ask him some questions about life let's get neil in here we need neil in here neil neil degrasse tyson neil get in here neil come on neil neil get back neil get down here i say i say neil come in here and tell us about the stars and the planet neil don't make me tell you again get fucking down here right now neil neil's from the bronx so he might come in here and just start being like yo don't fucking talk shit about me bitch i'm not talking shit i want to get fucking neil in here bring it i think yo neil call neil neil neil you look like those women that do like the husband calling competitions at like the iowa state fair robert robert robert who's going in there i was competing and who's putting it together iowans that have nothing better to do is it iowa i think it is iowa they're also the ones that have like the the the pig calling one those are great they're good they're good that that one woman was great at calling good but also i get such an ick seeing those they're like sir sir see yeah yeah and i'm sitting there as a chicken like call me bitch yeah like fucking no one's calling the chickens fucking call the chicken man like call me over damn dude you do like a little fucking i can do i can do i can melodize melodic melodify melodify dies melodize melodic eyes what is it it ain't any of that calling a chicken right give me a song no any song you're gonna sing it like a chicken Like if I'm calling a chicken.

1:13:01Joe Santagato:So like burn by Usher.

1:13:15I mean, if this isn't the most talented and the most unbelievable.

1:13:21Joe Santagato:You don't know what talents you got until you use them. That's the chicken too. Yo, you ever stare at a pigeon and go, what is that? What the fuck? Or when people do that, they hold a chicken and they do that. I love that. I love it. I love that their head doesn't move. Do you think you can hold me like that and I won't move my head? No. I do sometimes will stare at pigeons and I'm like, I don't. Like, they need to relax. Yeah, chickens are too worked up. Move your head like this. Chickens are too worked up. Chickens, we know. Maybe we should feed them like CBD. Ooh, give chickens like weed. I was talking about pigeons.

1:13:59Oh, sure. Yeah. Chickens are mad aggressive with the way that they eat. I fed a chicken before and it hurt. Yeah. It's like, bro, fucking you'll get it. I'm right here.

1:14:08Joe Santagato:I mean, they're a little worried, Joey. They don't know. They're also. They're mean. They're also. Aren't they like famously stupid? Chickens. Yeah. Like famously dumb animals. I don't know that. Yeah. I don't know any animals being smart except. Dolphins. Dolphins, elephants, and gorillas. Yeah. Yeah, octopi are also, I believe, very smart. Yo, do you remember that fucking documentary of the guy who wanted to fuck that octopus so bad? The octopus teacher? Everyone talked about it for like a year, and no one realized this guy was just horny to have sex with an octopus. This guy wanted to rail this octopus.

1:14:44He was like, oh my God, I'm spending so much time.

1:14:46Joe Santagato:Everyone's like, oh my God, this thing is teaching me so much. Yo, his cock was hard the whole time, dude. He literally would go every single day into the water and spend like four hours with this octopus. No one spends that much time with something if they're not trying to have sex with it. He literally had a whole family and was just leaving his family. To go and, like, watch an octopus move in the water. Yeah. And, like, I think that octopus in the water and in their natural habitat are really cool. Really cool, yeah. They change, like, colors and they kind of, you know, whatever. But, my God, go watch My Octopus Teacher on Netflix and you tell me that guy isn't fucking...

1:15:20Tell me he's not caked up for an octopus.

1:15:22Joe Santagato:Yeah, I mean, absolutely bricked like a fucking... How'd that end? did the octopus die and then he was like sad i don't remember but probably left his wife he's like you'll never be an octopus yeah he probably got home and he was just like honey put this on and it was just like an octopus costume and she's like why and he's like it's for work you you'll you have six less arms than i'm comfortable with see you later crazy anyway you know why people get But sometimes we like animals. Why did I say that? Yeah, also, we, you completely took ownership of that. Yeah. Whatever. There you go, folks. Hope you had a great Halloween.

1:16:04Well, it's coming up.

1:16:06Joe Santagato:Halloween season is treating you well. We hope that our outfits, our costumes, you guys like. Yeah.

1:16:15Inspector Gadget, that's not a Halloween song.

1:16:17Joe Santagato:like wait is that it i mean that's not the words but that is a how that is a song for inspector gadget oh yeah yeah i haven't seen that in so long i got excited what am i thinking of oh the adam family i'm gonna lose a nail um but yeah guys thank you so much for your uh support on patreon uh go to patreon.com slash the basement yard for that go follow the show at the basement yard on all social platforms frank and pizza oh my god oh my god good lord

1:16:58oh calabunga damn it pizza yeah pizza it's calabunga i'm calabunga just you want to give it one more turn no okay i don't deserve it well i don't deserve it well that is all for this week's episode folks hope you enjoyed we'll see you next time

1:17:29Joe Santagato:pink panther us here coach and spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it grab your friends and head to the tabby tour hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists exclusive experiences and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, built just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.