#564 - The Funniest Things We've Done For Attention!

6:45Joe Santagato:I was going to let him have it to win, but he didn't want it. So we both left having only had four.

6:50Frank Alvarez:You tied with a 13-year-old? That's crazy. As like the hot dog guy.

6:55Joe Santagato:If anything, he's the embarrassing one for having lost to a 33-year-old.

7:01Frank Alvarez:Why is that embarrassing? He's only 13. He didn't lose. He tied. Yeah.

7:06Joe Santagato:If you're not first, you're last, baby. You know that. You're last, though. I know. I know. I fully agree. Wow. Okay. It is the burden I must bear now.

7:17Frank Alvarez:Did you put anything on it or were these raws?

7:19Joe Santagato:I mean, I was just ketchup. They didn't have... I didn't want to ask for sauerkraut.

7:22Frank Alvarez:Ketchup. Yes. Ketchup, though. Ketchup, right? Ketchup, everyone. Not ketchup. Because it's not tag that we're playing here. Hold on.

7:32Joe Santagato:Let me take this again. Yeah. Ketchup. So the only thing I put on it while you were getting dogged out in the butt...

7:44Frank Alvarez:I can't laugh

7:49Yeah

7:49Frank Alvarez:He's faking a laugh here

7:51Joe Santagato:I'm not faking anything Ketchup is that better Sir no it's correct Hold on I had my ketchup While I was There was a photographer there And I was having coconut water Is that what you want for you to say words correctly? Is that what you want? Sure. Let's everyone, let's be the version of ourselves that Joey wants us to be. Or else he's gonna go fucking, you know, get mad at us.

8:18Frank Alvarez:It sounded like you farted.

8:20Joe Santagato:How would I have farted? Through your butt. Oh, yeah. How would I have farted? I don't know. You said it sounded like I farted. I was talking. I just heard it. It sounded like a... I do think that the heat is making us all just a little silly today.

8:36Frank Alvarez:I think... Silly is... I think we're all a little bit angry at each other. I think we should restart. Okay. All right. And we'll just be in, like, good graces right now. Okay, okay, okay. I'm about that. Refresh, refresh. All right, all right. No, no, no, no. Don't say anything. Don't say a word because you're going to do this whole preamble that we don't need. Let's just go from here, okay? All right, all right, all right. Anyway, we should probably talk about Captain America's big fat dick. Oh.

9:01Frank Alvarez:Can we pull up his wiener? Because I saw a picture of this before the show started. I have questions, and I know you guys have answers to it. We do have answers. So this is from the hit game Marvel Rivals. Yes, right. This is a video game. This is. And this is a skin of Captain America for the summer. Yeah. That is the most insane. Yeah, dude. Yeah, brother. That literally looks like someone put their foot in there.

9:29Joe Santagato:And here's the thing.

9:30Frank Alvarez:It looks like a shoe.

9:31Joe Santagato:I'm not kidding. It looks like he crapped his pants in the front. Like, if there was a human that, like, had some sort of irreversible condition where they shit out of their pee hole, that's what it would look like.

9:43Frank Alvarez:That just looks like if I shoved my knee in it. Like, and also, this is a before and after, because I'm assuming they dialed it back a bit. Yes. Still a massive, massive dog.

9:53Joe Santagato:I mean, hey, man, that's America's cock and balls.

9:56Frank Alvarez:That doesn't even look like, what's his name? Captain America.

9:59Joe Santagato:I mean, it's not, so it's not meant to. Why is he wearing a bikini? So it's like the summer thing. He's like a lifeguard, right? Is that the skin? Yeah, I think it's like -

10:08Frank Alvarez:Captain America's a lifeguard?

10:09Joe Santagato:What happened? What happened to saving the world? We're watching a pool now? I mean, hey man, sometimes the pool needs saving, sometimes the world needs a saving.

10:16Frank Alvarez:They're also saying that Marvel Rivals sneakily did this. They sneakily reduced the size of this. You added a 10-foot long wiener to the video game, and you wouldn't know if you made it a 5-foot long? You think we wouldn't know?

10:32Joe Santagato:Listen, that looks like that there is someone with just standing in his pants. Like Ant-Man is in there and he is growing.

10:39Frank Alvarez:Dude, you're going to put this guy in a video game that children are playing and you have literally, this guy's dick looks like a crocodile's mouth.

10:47Joe Santagato:Well, yeah, I don't want to comment on that in regard to that. But it's certainly, this game is also though, because I can almost guarantee you've not played this game. No. It has some questionable design choices. They are kind of very... Sexual? I don't want to say sexual. Scantle? Scantle. There's a scantle to them. Scantily clad? Some of them are scantily clad. Some of the female characters. They got big. Some of them. And there's jiggle physics. There are jiggle physics.

11:19Frank Alvarez:Not a term that I'm familiar with? Well, you can imagine.

11:21Joe Santagato:So you've played video games. Correct. You understand that those games are, you know, made with code and all that. There is code in those games to make body parts jiggle. Boobs and butts. Boobs and butts, dude.

11:37Frank Alvarez:And this is a game where they're fighting.

11:39Joe Santagato:Yeah, so...

11:40Frank Alvarez:There's gonna be a lot of jiggling. A lot of jumping, too.

11:42Joe Santagato:A lot of jumping, a lot of flying. A lot of getting hit. You know, like, hit back. And stuff like that. So they just got boobs flying all over the place. I played the game when it first came out for, like, a week. And then I stopped because I was, you guessed it, dog shit at it. Nice. But like they have some other like, Squirrel Girl was a big one that was in there. Squirrel Girl? Squirrel Girl. I don't know how that is but... She's a, she's like a character. She's a squirrel? She's strong and she could like hang out with squirrels.

12:09Frank Alvarez:Can she fly? Like a flying squirrel?

12:10Joe Santagato:You know that's a really good question. I don't know if Squirrel Girl can fly. But what's her, what's her like... Strong. Talk to squirrels. She can talk to squirrels? I believe that's her thing, right? That's her power? I think so. I she's not one of those like super popular ones, but she's But why are we bringing them up because she was one that like people like the fans of the game were like gooning over Oh cuz she had a scantily clad I mean this is the thing that video games do sometimes and I think people are starting to kind of not like you know when they do it It's not an anime thing to like I don't know I don't want to offend the anime fans Be careful.

12:46Frank Alvarez:Oh, you're an anime fan. I'll think I'm asking what's question if in that if in anime they like do that sometimes like sometimes the women are like she's got the huge boobs and she's got tiny little waist and she's in school what the fuck very big well usually the ones that usually the ones that are younger they're actually 3 ,000 years old they kind of get away with that kind of thing

13:06Joe Santagato:wait what does that mean oh where they look like schoolgirls but it's like they're an ancient deity from 3 ,000 years ago

13:11Frank Alvarez:yeah no one really no one really vibes with that too much but that's what they that's how they get around it

13:14Joe Santagato:well I can tell you like I know for sure that like in video games there have been characters that have been depicted like overtly sexual, like female characters, because let's be honest, it's mostly the females. I mean, outside of Captain America's big old way. I mean, that is a crazy thing.

13:28Frank Alvarez:That is a crazy piece.

13:30Joe Santagato:But like...

13:31Frank Alvarez:That's not all anime, by the way. I'm not going to...

13:33Joe Santagato:I don't want to say that either. But... I mean, I'm asking a question. I don't know. Joey would love Jeff the Landshark. You know he'd play with Jeff the Landshark.

13:40Frank Alvarez:I wouldn't play with...

13:42Joe Santagato:All the people in the world, I'm going to play with a shark. He's like a little dog shark thing. He's kind of cool. But... A lot of heroes. Like, this happened years ago with Mortal Kombat. There was a Mortal Kombat. I think it was Mortal Kombat 9, where, like, one of the alternative skins, like, for Melina was just basically her with, like, tape over her tits. Right. And people are just like, this is getting too far. Yeah, yeah. This has gone too far.

14:08Frank Alvarez:It's too much at a certain point. I feel like you can't just be, you know, we've got to play the video game at the end of the day. We can't be distracted by Jizz, Jiggle. What was it? Jiggle? Jizz physics, too, I'm sure are in there somewhere. Jiggle physics.

14:19Joe Santagato:jiggle physics i think people like apparently that's going to be a big thing in the new grand theft auto game too that like jiggle physics are being added to it and it's taking place in the game universe vice city but what we know as south beach miami so like apparently the game is being modeled to have jiggle physics so people are like if you could go to a fucking miami beach

14:42Frank Alvarez:or vice city beach it's gonna be crazy there's just gonna be a lot of butts i imagine miami was the first place that I ever went where I was like wow thong bikinis that was the first time in my life because I was just up here you know with regular bikinis I mean I was a young man having

14:59Joe Santagato:seen Lita do a swanton bomb off of a ladder so I had seen a thong before well yeah but she was

15:08Frank Alvarez:wearing pants yeah but I do like when pant and then it's like the thong is up there and you're like whoa this is underwear like when you're young that's like the coolest thing ever you're like I I can see a little underwear string. I'm into this.

15:18Joe Santagato:Dude, early 2000s had like low rise jeans. Yeah. And thongs basically pulled up to the shoulder blades. Yeah. And it was like getting out of hand. Yeah. It looked like Borat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As a young man, I was not opposed to it.

15:34Frank Alvarez:No, I liked it. As a now man. Yeah. No, it's cool. Yeah. But like, have you ever worn a thong?

15:42Joe Santagato:Great question.

15:44Frank Alvarez:What's up? To you. Great question to you.

15:46Joe Santagato:Uh, I don't think so. I don't need - I can't - I don't think I have either - Ah! No, I haven't. I don't think I've ever worn, like, women's underwear. I don't think I've worn women's underwear. I think -

15:57Frank Alvarez:Ah!

15:58Joe Santagato:No, I don't - I can't recall if I have.

15:59Frank Alvarez:So you're doing that and fumbling over your words? I know the answer.

16:03Joe Santagato:No, I'm trying to honestly remember if and when I have. What you're trying to do is black it out, it sounds like. If I - let me tell you something very clearly. If I have worn women's underwear and I recall it, I'm telling the story, brother. You think I'm not fucking getting that out there? Are you above a thong? I don't think I've been gifted by the gods to work a thong. What do you need? You got a good butt. Captain America. No, you don't need a huge hog. You can't wear a thong. Brother, you put on a thong with a small, like, it's like Etch-A-Sketch. You could see it.

16:38Frank Alvarez:I don't know how that's like Etch-A-Sketch. Well, I added an extra etch.

16:47um yeah what about a speedo i just want to give you the space to process it michael said

16:54Joe Santagato:elena paused i don't think i want to see anybody else this is the love story of real

17:00Frank Alvarez:hinge couple elena and michael written and read by me raven smith listen to the free audiobook now

17:07Joe Santagato:Would you wear a Speedo? I don't think I have the confidence for a Speedo Do you?

17:12Frank Alvarez:I would do it like ironically

17:13Joe Santagato:You need to go back to Europe like three or four more times To be like fully Speedo'd in

17:19Frank Alvarez:I'd Speedo in Europe I haven't I was at the gym in my building It like faces the pool And there was a dude out there in a Speedo And I was like

17:26Joe Santagato:I don't think it's for me But I have the utmost respect for men that could pull off a Speedo I think I could I just don't it's just not it's tough it's just like it is so but it's also like it's there you know like a you

17:42Frank Alvarez:wear like the shorts you can like wear that around i would feel weird walking around on the you know like if you go to the boardwalk or something i will say this i know i got a speedo

17:52Joe Santagato:i imagine it is quite freeing oh yeah i probably could run real fast enough dude i'm telling you right now, I think I would probably be able to like wrestle an alligator in a Speedo.

18:04Frank Alvarez:What does a Speedo have to do with that?

18:06Joe Santagato:It's just the confidence it would instill in me. Oh. I don't have it to even put it on.

18:11Frank Alvarez:Do you think it would make you confident to wear a Speedo?

18:14Joe Santagato:If I need a certain amount of confidence to wear a Speedo and then putting the Speedo on would give me extra confidence. How do we get to that confidence level? Pay for me to get a wiener injection.

18:30Frank Alvarez:a wiener injection oh so you would rather it be a big mess in there i mean mess is not the word i would use a bigger mess is what i mean you still didn't specify the word that i said isn't the one i would use mess is the problem there dude wait i think you were there there was one time i was in the water in miami and then this dude came up behind us and we were at like a certain depth in the water that it's kind of like near your waistline but a little lower or whatever so when a wave comes you're probably hidden but this guy's talking to us about something whatever and then a wave passed and it and he was wearing a bright yellow speedo and i'm not kidding it looked like this dude had a cat in there i'm sure it was insane i was like dude brother i'm telling

19:21Joe Santagato:you right now brother you're hiding a swordfish i'm not even saying like i'm not even saying that like everyone that wears speedos looks like captain america and marvel rivals you know what i'm saying but they carry themselves with bd for sure yeah if you're walking around in a speedo you can't be like oh no i'm wearing a speedo but wear that shit and and like you also like i know this isn't the place to do this like the beach but like i close my eyes and i think of a man in a speedo they've got a bunch of rings on they've got a big gold chain i'm not thinking of that they've got those like glasses the sunglasses that have like the bar at the top that like tony stark wears what i don't picture this at all really what do you picture close your eyes i don't picture anything really close your eyes closing my eyes imagine a man in a speedo got it

20:07Frank Alvarez:yeah why are you touching yourself i'm just that's for our audio only listeners oh yeah we're all dying laughing i think that uh what you keep making like gay jokes at my expense

20:20Joe Santagato:Why are you being mean to me today?

20:22Frank Alvarez:Me!

20:23Joe Santagato:You're being kind of mean.

20:24Frank Alvarez:We're joking around. No, because... Everyone's laughing. Because you keep making the same joke at me. That you got dogged out? Seriously? There we go again. I don't like how all this is being said with my face all the time. Well, I'm doing it this way. Oh, yeah. When you said cat, I thought you were referring to his bush. No, no, no. But seriously. Oh, no. He wasn't... No, it was just a large... He's got a tabby.

20:47Joe Santagato:Any small animal. He's got a tabby cat or shabby cat. Which one is it?

20:50Frank Alvarez:What's a tabby cat?

20:51Joe Santagato:I think it's a type. It's like a tab. Siamese? No, no, no, no. A tabby. American tabby? Speaking of cats, do you like those hairless cats? Only when they're kittens. When they grow up, they look evil, dude. I don't know if I've ever even seen a kitten. Oh, as a kitten, they look cute because they're smaller. But then when they get bigger, it's like, this is too big to have no fur or hair anywhere.

21:12Frank Alvarez:I feel like, all right, not now.

21:16Joe Santagato:Why are they hairless? Like, that's my question.

21:19Frank Alvarez:I think it's...

21:20Joe Santagato:These don't look cute as a baby. That looks like Mewtwo. What a problem. What are the coolest looking Pokemon?

21:27Frank Alvarez:This one looks kind of cute. They're too nutsacky for me. Yeah, they're very wrinkled. I don't know, man. That one's kind of cool, though. The one with the blue eyes. This?

21:38Joe Santagato:That one has blue eyes, too.

21:40Frank Alvarez:Yeah, that looks like a cool one. I don't dislike them. It looks like my grandmother. I feel like your grandma looks like that. That's what your grandmother looks like? She has piercing blue eyes. Your grandma's beautiful. I guess she used to look like that. Oh, she's dead? This is the dead one. Oh, nice. Well, she doesn't have blue eyes anymore.

21:53Joe Santagato:Not nice that she's dead. Nice that she used to look like that.

21:56Frank Alvarez:Yeah. Your grandma was hairless? That's what I pick. That's what I imagine. So you don't know? What do you not know? Yeah, she's hairless-ish. Your grandma was bald? Meh. Do you not know anything about your grandma? What do you know about your grandmother? When did your grandma pass away? Years ago. Same question. A few years ago Within five? Yeah, within five

22:20Joe Santagato:So you should have an idea as to what she looks like

22:22Frank Alvarez:Well, like, towards, you know, started getting hairless

22:24Joe Santagato:Do you know, what did Nonna look like? Because I know that's what you called her Not just Grandma Really? Wow, you're one of those Well, one side's Grandma, one side's Nonna

22:33Frank Alvarez:Oh, okay, so they're Italian

22:34Joe Santagato:Nonna, was she, Nonna, man, we mangiare with Nonna Did she, was she Italian? Uh, yeah

22:41Frank Alvarez:But like Italian But different Italian But like American Italian? There's an American Italian and an Italian Italian That's why I wanted to Grandma one time

22:46Joe Santagato:Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Which one was she?

22:50Frank Alvarez:American Italian.

22:51Joe Santagato:So she didn't hit you? Both of them did not.

22:55Frank Alvarez:Well, no, actually the American one, a little more. It doesn't matter.

23:00Joe Santagato:So this is what your grandmother looked like. So send this picture to whichever one of your parents lost their mother. And then be like, look, Grandma's here.

23:07Frank Alvarez:That's probably not a good idea. What animal would you say your grandma looks like?

23:12Joe Santagato:I'm not going to even go animal. And I hope you pull this up. I will. I'm not kidding. You're going to see this. You had an answer to this queued up? Yeah. Okay. My grandmother looked like the grandmother from the early 90s show Dinosaurs. You get the reference? Yeah. Do you remember that show? I know your grandma. Not the mama. Not the mama. Oh, is that the - I'm the baby. Gotta love me. Is that the live action? Yes.

23:39Frank Alvarez:Wait. Yo, you know what's crazy, guys? Yo, you know what's insane? He's right. He is so right Click on the first one That's Yaya dude

23:49Joe Santagato:That's crazy

23:51Frank Alvarez:That is so like her dude That's so insane Yes dude

23:55Joe Santagato:Yes Yes yes yes Alright now we're gonna spend this whole episode Coming up with different characters from TV or anything Oh my god dude that's your grandma I know dude I need to see a picture That was Yaya I mean by the time It would take me a while to pull up a picture No it's okay Can I? Yes Will I? If you want me to

24:13Frank Alvarez:No I mean... Well, Joe, you know. Don't give it away.

24:18Joe Santagato:Don't give it away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her legacy lives on better as the grandmother from the show Dinosaurs. Wow, that's extremely accurate. You're gonna have to answer.

24:26Frank Alvarez:What?

24:27Joe Santagato:Your grandmother?

24:28Frank Alvarez:Oh, my grandma? What did she look like? She kinda looked like a Q-tip. Okay. Like, in a way. She had like tall hair.

24:36Joe Santagato:We had a picture of you looking like a Q-tip also. Yeah, probably. You know who your grandmother kinda looked like? the cartoon version of Egon from the early 90s Ghostbusters show. This is going to piss me off. No, no, no, no.

24:52Frank Alvarez:It's the tall white hair. It's not that bad. She had like a tall hair that was kind of see-through. It just looked like smoke. Like a cloud of smoke was on top of her head.

25:02Joe Santagato:She had a good head of hair, I remember, until.

25:04Frank Alvarez:Yeah. See what I'm saying? Like, that's not awful. How are you doing that? How are you just pulling this out? Oh, wait. This is accurate? It's not terrible. Not this one, the next one. This one? Yeah. Do you know how much time... That kind of does look like my grandma. Really? She had way worse legs, though. Yeah. Dude, those legs. Your grandmother wished she had those legs. Is that a woman or a man? That's a man. It's a man.

25:25Joe Santagato:Your grandmother wished she had those legs. Yeah, yeah, she does. But her legs were definitely translucent. I mean, she wishes she had any legs right now because she has none.

25:33Frank Alvarez:I mean, she didn't have much legs at the end of it, to be fair.

25:36Joe Santagato:I have a lot of time on those long drives to and fro. And you think about what our grandmas look like? I just think of just random shit, and this is definitely one of them. I mean... I always told you, when I think of your mom, I think of Oprah. A lot of people have said that my mom, like, ruined, like... Oprah? No, no, no. In, like, the mid-2000s, someone at work told her she resembled, like, a cross between Eva Longoria and, like, Fran Drescher. And I was like, well, there it goes. Well, that's... That was... It was gone. You know who my mom reminds me of? sally fields i i i could see sally fields with your mom 100 i could see nicole's mom looks

26:16Frank Alvarez:exactly like sally fields by the way to me i saw on a billboard once dude it was like a

26:22Joe Santagato:i could see this yeah i could see the similarity 100 um now i gotta think of your mom gotta think of your mom my mom that's what my mom kind of looks like sally fields yeah i i I definitely, I could 100 % see that.

26:37Frank Alvarez:Okay, okay.

26:38Joe Santagato:You know, especially that one. That picture with the glasses. Yeah, with the glasses. That's your mom right there. Yeah, right there. 100 ,000%. Okay. Someone once told me, and I don't know if you had co-signed this opinion, that my father was a spitting image of Pedro Martinez.

26:53Frank Alvarez:Yes, that was me, bro. I don't. I used to call your dad Pedro.

26:55Joe Santagato:I don't, I don't think that that is accurate in the slightest. Yeah, his dad does look like Pedro Martinez. I don't, I don't see it at all.

27:04Frank Alvarez:Okay, I see it

27:05Joe Santagato:Why do you spell Pedro like that, brother?

27:07Frank Alvarez:I actually see it here Yes See, that's fucking Frank I actually see it here I don't see that at all, dude Yeah, that's Frank's dad I see it a little bit here The young one, not really But it's like more in the eyes Like your dad has like Like Pedro Martinez eyes

27:19Joe Santagato:Yeah, they're a little droopy That's what I see you're saying Yeah, I'm saying that I'm trying to think Who would my mom I guess my mom had the big hair like Oprah Yeah She was missing some key You know What's the word I'm looking for? Features

27:35Frank Alvarez:So this is Frankie's mom? Yeah, the hair

27:37Joe Santagato:To me Yes She gets Absolutely Like obviously Oprah's black And his mom's not black But she was darker skin Also cause My mom during the summer Gets a Dark Deep golden Yeah Her skin is quite

27:49Frank Alvarez:Tanning That's why I was like She reminds me of Oprah And your mom has a very big personality Cause she's like Yeah Not that you get a car You get a car But like she was probably like You know You're gonna get a talking to You're gonna get a talking to Oh no no no We didn't get

28:00Joe Santagato:It was We're gonna have a family meeting We're gonna have family meeting And then everyone's in trouble Everyone was in trouble during every family meeting Family meeting just meant that everyone's getting screamed at I've been there too

28:10Frank Alvarez:One time my dad was like get down here right now He was in the basement And we went down the stairs And I slipped on a A walnut And did like a There was a walnut on the floor Hold on I slipped on a walnut like a cartoon What fucking cartoon ass world did you grow up In that there was just a walnut on your step? No, it was like on the bottom, like by the basement, like on the floor. Did you... Legitimately went up in the air. Really? Like home alone, landed on my back, and then he forgot because he laughed so hard and he went upstairs. Swear to God.

28:42Joe Santagato:Oh, you got lucky. I know. Because you were going to get... Your dad was going to let you have it, probably. Probably. Trying to think who your dad would look like. Your dad had always reminded me of Fred Flintstone. Yeah, he looks like that. He's got like the, like thicker features, a strong nose, Fred Flintstone is so funny The John Goodman one? No, just the cartoon Yeah, that's my dad

29:08Frank Alvarez:My dad is Fred Flintstone

29:09Joe Santagato:I'm telling you right now The way that people have found Shrek sexy It's only a matter of time before they re-find Fred Flintstone

29:17Frank Alvarez:Fred Flintstone was a cool guy Was he?

29:21Joe Santagato:There's some stuff in those cartoons that are a little

29:23Frank Alvarez:They had dinosaurs running around

29:25Joe Santagato:I mean, it's more of that time Where it's just like, I'm the man I'm gonna set the rules and you're gonna listen woman, you know like that. He was yelling at her like that? There was some yeah, there was some shit. I watched the movie recently and I was like, oh some of this doesn't hold up

29:43Frank Alvarez:Hmm, and who does your man in prehistoric times wasn't as progressive in 2026?

29:49Joe Santagato:And who does your who do your parents look like?

29:51Frank Alvarez:My dad got a Johnny Bravo a lot when he was young Get the fuck out of here!

29:57Joe Santagato:Johnny Bravo! Speaking of not holding up, there's one.

30:01Frank Alvarez:I would say that the only thing that your dad and Johnny Bravo have in common is they both have worn black t-shirts.

30:06Joe Santagato:If your dad ever in his life looked like Johnny Bravo, I will shove this up my butt. Minus the blonde hair. So minus the thing that makes him Johnny Bravo? Yeah. Oh, mama. Look at that. Also, this guy.

30:22Frank Alvarez:Big creep.

30:23Joe Santagato:Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bad, bad, bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one is not held up as well.

30:28Frank Alvarez:That one has probably held up the worst. Yeah, yeah.

30:31Joe Santagato:I think any other, like, or, like, fictional characters in our family could resemble. We joked around and called Keith Harry Potter when we were younger. Yeah, he looked like Harry Potter. That's an easy one. Edna Flintstone.

30:42Frank Alvarez:No, no, no. Who the fuck is this? Who does Edna look like? Oh, oh, oh, oh, before you go anywhere.

30:46Joe Santagato:Go back to Edna. Who's this? Who's this smoke? She was, like, one of the, uh... No, she wasn't. Was it his sister or his mom? I don't know, actually. Because Fred's Flintstones... She looks like Fred, I'll tell you that. Yeah, it must be his sister or mom. Mother. Yeah. Fred's wife was Wilma. Yeah. And then there was Barney and Betty. And Bam Bam. Bam Bam was Barney and Betty's son. My mom gets this a lot. Edna Mode. Yeah. I don't see it.

31:15Frank Alvarez:Your mom looks like that?

31:16Joe Santagato:I don't see it.

31:17Frank Alvarez:She used to have a bob, so we called her that. I don't see it. I don't see it either. But I'm also not. Yo, my, I'm not kidding. I think my shin is sweating. That's bad. Yeah. You're all right. Also, your mom reminds me of my high school Italian teacher. I don't know the reference. Well, I'm just saying. When I saw your mom. She's a teacher. She reminded me of her, and I was like, oh, is that?

31:44Joe Santagato:I've only met your mom twice. Imagine. And I can't pinpoint who she reminds me of. It's one of those things where it's on the tip of your tongue. She looks like people. She does look like someone famous, but I can't, for the life of me, iron out exactly who it is. And that's not a bad thing.

32:01Frank Alvarez:Oh, no. I mean, I asked my Italian teacher to prom.

32:03Joe Santagato:I don't want fucking Johnny Bravo to beat me up.

32:06Frank Alvarez:You asked your Italian teacher to prom? Yeah. Really? Yeah. How'd that go? I didn't go with her. Doesn't mean she said no. She had just gotten married, although I don't think that's why she said no. But she was like, no. And I was like, joke. I mean, I was joking, but if she would have said yeah, I'd be like, oh, well, now I've got to figure out. Yeah. There's not really a chance that could have. No, no, no. Also fired. I mean, also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said no. I think that she may have been at the prom, though.

32:39Joe Santagato:I mean, yeah, they used to do that where the teachers would go and they would chaperone and just make sure no, you know, nothing crazy was happening. I had a teacher once come up and separate me and a girl from dancing.

32:49Frank Alvarez:one time i had this girl this girl this is the first time i ever heard this term but i was dating this girl and her grandfather died and i felt really bad but she lived all the way in jersey so i asked my mom like can i take the car and go visit her and whatever and it was kind of late at night i think i remember who this is she was like she was like no and i'm like why her her grandfather just died like i just want to like go there and like kind of comfort she's like no i know what this is about. This is Hanky Panky.

33:17Joe Santagato:That's what she said to me, bro. I mean, be honest, Joey. It wasn't. Be honest. Your grandpa died! Have you not seen Wedding Crashers? It's a movie! I mean, some people live by that shit.

33:28Frank Alvarez:No, she was very upset.

33:29Joe Santagato:You were going, be honest, if alright, so let's play this out. You're you. I'm the girl. Yeah. Okay? And you're coming to see me because my grandfather died. Okay? Yeah. Hey, sorry that

33:45Frank Alvarez:your grandpa died.

33:46Joe Santagato:Do you want to like fuck right now?

33:52Frank Alvarez:End scene. That's not how it would go.

33:56Joe Santagato:So, all right. If this girl, if you had driven there,

33:59Frank Alvarez:not the point. The point is, you might not be Joey. And my mom's like, no, you're making up a dead relative. You want to go there. Your mom is wrong.

34:07Joe Santagato:Your mom is wrong. Correct. For, for, for not believing you. Correct. But if Hank, if, If your panky was going to get hankied, would you have denied it? No. So your mom was right. Wrong. You might not have been going with the purpose of panky. Saying how you feel out loud is terrifying. But that's what Hinge's new free audiobook, No Ordinary Love, is all about.

34:34Frank Alvarez:It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dinton Hurst, Nicola Dinan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe

34:45Joe Santagato:I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword The audiobook's out now Give it a listen You're hanky, but you definitely were welcoming a hankying

34:58Frank Alvarez:Those are different things I don't think so I was saying that I was going there to be comforting You should have said to your mom No, what I said was, what the fuck is that? You cursing your mom? I probably didn't say fuck. Sally Field. I actually was mad at her that night because I was like, why are you assuming that I'm lying and I'm trying to just like. That's fair. Like whatever, but hanky panky. I truly had no idea what she meant by that.

35:24Joe Santagato:I don't think there's something to call sex that would turn me off more than hanky panky.

35:33Frank Alvarez:How about you come over a little bit and we have a little bit of hanky panky. I'd be like, bro.

35:36Joe Santagato:I'd be like, you need to grow up a little bit. How old are you? I would be concerned. Let me check your birth certificate.

35:43Frank Alvarez:Yeah, I was like 20 at the time, I think. Oh, it's not Patreon. The first thing in my head was like, should we look up different terms?

35:52Joe Santagato:I mean, it's not Patreon, but I already... Oh, like a midnight rumble. Yeah, something like that. A backseat, backdoor blast. And which one was the worst? While you look it up, I heard one calling it bashing guts. oh that's too that's that's it that's too like visceral yeah what are we doing you know what i'm

36:10Frank Alvarez:gonna do some i'm gonna do this before we get into these i do we do have some sponsors the first one being squarespace okay squarespace is going to be the website where you build your website if you have uh e-com business or you make content or anything like that a website is very important it is the one-stop shop it is the first impression where people are going to come and check out and see if you're legit or not so if you have a bad looking website maybe it'll be turned off by that and you know that's not good but uh squarespace makes it very easy for you to build a professional looking website in a short amount of time because they have templates that you can choose from a bunch of different one pages of templates and you can find the right fit for you that fits your content or your needs whatever you need and you just switch out the photos and the text and now you have a professional looking website it's great so you can get started uh with squarespace and by the way we use squarespace for all the websites that we've created they're great.

37:02Frank Alvarez:And I think it's like pretty much the only place you should go if you're building a website. And right now you can head to squarespace.com slash basement to save 10 % off of your first purchase of a website or a domain when you use that code basement. Okay. Squarespace.com slash basement to save 10 % off of your purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement. Okay. So enjoy that. Create your websites and let us know how they look. Some people have sent me their website and they're pretty legit. We also have Hungry Root. Hungry Root, it's basically like a personalized grocery and meal delivery company that combines grocery shopping with meal planning.

37:39Frank Alvarez:So they have a bunch of different foods to choose from or meals to choose from, and they just take like 15 to 20 minutes to make, something like that. And it's like high quality things is what I wanted to say. But they screen for over 200 additives like high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, preservatives, all their meat and seafood is high quality with no hormones or antibiotics. So their quality standard is very high. And basically you go onto their site and this is the one you're going to want to use. You want that high quality stuff. They'll also suggest like grocery shopping, like here's some proteins or some vegetables that you should add on top of your order, things like that.

38:21But it's really awesome.

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39:00Frank Alvarez:Enjoy that.

39:02Joe Santagato:Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard is the place where you can get more of us and a little bit crazier and saucier. That's right. You heard Ant before, and he said, oh, it's not Patreon, so maybe. And that's because those Patreon episodes kind of get a little nuts and a little over the top. So what you can do is you can go over to Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, Take a gander what we got over there. There's several tiers. Take a look at what tier is going to be right for you. That first tier, that's going to give you these weekly episodes one whole week in advance, seven whole days. So you'll get in on the conversation, the jokes, the humor, the giggles, the hee-hees, and even the ha-has seven days before everybody else gets it.

39:33Joe Santagato:And then that second tier, not only do you get what's accessible on the first tier, but then you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you get a new episode of The Basement Yard Monday and Friday. That's a lot. That's two episodes a week. that's pretty cool I think you might like that so what you can do is you can go over to patreon.com slash the basement yard thank you to over 50 ,000 paid patrons for helping put us on the top of the charts we are pretty close if not one or two or three in the top leaderboards for Patreon definitely not one but definitely two or three interchangeably somewhere you guys and your support has been overwhelming and we are so grateful and appreciative and we want to keep giving you what you like which from what you tell us is more of us.

40:16Joe Santagato:So patreon.com slash the basement yard, go check it out. And if you want to do it, go use a web browser, okay? Go use Google Chrome or Safari. If you use the smart app, they're going to cost you a little extra because you got to take extra money from you to pay our tech overlords that may or may not be lizards. I don't know. But if you use the web browser version and you go to patreon.com slash the basement yard and sign up that way, you might save yourself a couple extra bucks. So it could be worth it. Thank you guys. We love you. and while I'm here, I might as well tell you we're going back.

40:47Joe Santagato:Where? Back? Huh. Back on the show, live show, groove. I messed that up. Who cares? I don't. I don't know what tickets are still available. Full transparency. But if we're coming to a show near you or you want to take a trip somewhere and there are tickets available at some of those shows, go to thebasemanyard.com. Take a look at what's there. We are really, really excited. We're putting together a show that's going to be unlike anything we had ever done before. live show so go check it out at thebasementyard.com and you know what i got a third one for you sanagatostudios.com is the sanagatostudios store what is it sanagatostudios.com sanagatostudios.com we got new merch options up there that's pretty fun that's pretty cool go take a gander underneath the the the beautiful umbrella of merch that we got here at the studio so sanagatostudios.com thebasementyard.com patreon.com slash thebasementyard so much to go and peruse thank you we love you Back to it

41:46Frank Alvarez:Yeah Also what the fuck website is this? I don't know I was just trying to find a bunch This is the one that listed them all There's a door That looks like a good door Okay So we have them broken up in the classics One word food related And then just the random weird ones that happen Just go to the random ones Oh right Okay

42:03Joe Santagato:We got Well hold on the food related ones are pretty What are those? Oh yeah what's that? Can you zoom in on the page? Baking the potato? Some of us are older than others Baking the potato buttering a biscuit. I've heard that I've heard that one buttering a biscuit I've heard putting the bread in the oven, but that's like a pregnancy. Yeah, it's a bun in the oven. Yeah

42:22Frank Alvarez:Yeah, it's still like insinuating getting ones kettle mended Who is this John Snow's getting railed?

42:31Joe Santagato:It's like oh listen up. Oh, I hear you need your kettle mended

42:37Frank Alvarez:That's fucking David Beckham. Yeah, uh horizontal refreshment Don't like that at all. Wait, refreshment? Yeah. Bam Bam in the ham. That's a good one. Taking that with me. That's a really good one. What do you say we slip into the bedroom and Bam Bam in the ham?

42:55Joe Santagato:Bam Bam in the ham.

42:56Frank Alvarez:What does that mean?

42:56Joe Santagato:Ham, I'm pretty sure is in reference to a vagina.

43:01Frank Alvarez:A vagina.

43:02Joe Santagato:Isn't fresh ham? Like, give them the fresh ham. Isn't that a butt?

43:05Frank Alvarez:Ham?

43:07Joe Santagato:Is it?

43:08Frank Alvarez:I'm going to give you a ham? Like, when someone's like, give them the fresh ham. It's like they pants them, right?

43:12Joe Santagato:Oh, I've never heard of that one.

43:14Frank Alvarez:Like butt?

43:15Joe Santagato:I've never heard of that one. I just grew up. Who was Ham in a movie? What movie was that? Sandlot. Sandlot. Toy Story. Oh. Hey, I mean, that's the... Yes, that is...

43:24Frank Alvarez:The Great Hambino. Planting the Parsnip. Yeah, hey. Also taken that. I like that one a lot. Yeah.

43:31Joe Santagato:Feel free to use that one. You don't like it? I mean, parsnips are not... Like, I don't want to... Parsnips are pretty big. Are they? Parsnips are a larger carrot. Whatever.

43:45Frank Alvarez:We're having fun. Sending out for sushi? Disgusting. Yeah.

43:48Joe Santagato:Tossing a hot dog down the hallway. That one I heard is like... It's a diss. It's a diss at someone. It's like you got such a cavernous vagina. Yeah, so it's like tossing a hot dog down a hallway. Yeah. Yeah, so that one seems mean. Also... Having your corn ground? Excuse me? That's a butt one, for sure. Who's the corn? The butts. Corn is butt? Yeah. Yeah, I've always heard corn is like a butt thing.

44:14Frank Alvarez:No.

44:15Joe Santagato:Like he's corning. Huh? Oh, God, it sounds so gross. I'm not the only one that has heard that before.

44:22Frank Alvarez:A corning? This one, groping for trout in a peculiar river. What planet would that mean sex?

44:31Joe Santagato:I don't know if any of the food-related ones that I've heard so far, like if any of them were used, it would be a conversation. Like, we're not going to do what you want to do. We are going to talk about why you use that phraseology.

44:43Frank Alvarez:You ever see the videos of them trying to catch fish or catfish in the river? They shove their hand in the hole. Yeah. That's called noodling. I like that. Speaking of noodle, bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house. I guess the vagina is the spaghetti house. Yeah. Which I love spaghetti.

45:01Joe Santagato:And you love the house. So I'm not opposed to that one. Me neither. Also, al dente noodles are the best way to cook them. I would say that an al dente wiener, if I were to be into wieners, would not be the way that you would want one.

45:13Frank Alvarez:How would you want one?

45:15Joe Santagato:I imagine that wieners are considered best when they are fully erect. Oh, raw. So it would be an undercooked. Or just raw. Or just, yeah, an uncooked wiener. It's fair. Doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch. That one's kind of a cucumber. That is quite the visual. Also, wait. Squat thrust. Isn't that like the air squats? What's a squat thrust? It's like a... Oh, so like you go down? Like a hump. Oh, a hump. Yeah, I gotcha.

45:45Frank Alvarez:And now for the what the fuck version, we have bedroom rodeo. I think that's like... I think that's a fair one. Yeah. Basket making. Doesn't make any sense to me at all. I don't know. I mean... Basket making.

45:56Joe Santagato:Yeah, I can't imagine also what would... Why a... Well, you're not making anything there. No. Outside of maybe a child. Doing the devil's dance? I can guarantee you that was said at some hardcore church down south.

46:12Frank Alvarez:My CCD teacher probably said that to me. You're doing the devil's dance?

46:15Joe Santagato:Hot yoga is a... You need to be careful with that one. It's an exercise class. Yeah, because if someone were to... If Becca were to ask me, you want to do some hot yoga? I'd say, fucking ill, no. But if she meant engage in sex, I would say yes.

46:31Frank Alvarez:If she said that but she really meant groping for trout in a peculiar river, then you'd be like, yeah. It's just too long. Yeah, it's too crazy. Also, why parallel parking? Parallel parking, I guess because you're both parallel. You go forward and back.

46:50Joe Santagato:I don't. You've made it more confusing. I don't particularly enjoy parallel parking.

46:56Frank Alvarez:Rolling in the hay, I like that one. I've heard that one before.

46:58Joe Santagato:Hey, we're going to go rolling in the hay.

46:59Frank Alvarez:Although having sex in hay sounds miserable.

47:02Joe Santagato:That sounds like a farmer thing. Like that's a, oh, we met in the hay house and we had a rolling hay. I mean, I would.

47:09Frank Alvarez:I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward. Written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audio book now. If I lived on a barn, I would definitely like you get in the barn and go crazy sometimes. Brother, hay is sharp.

47:31Joe Santagato:It is sharp. Sharp. Yeah. That's going to fucking, ooh, that might end up in places you might not want it to be. Wedding the Willy? Okay. I don't like that one. Matrimonial Polka.

47:45Frank Alvarez:Maybe if I hated sex, I would like that one.

47:50Joe Santagato:Polka. Bump and Uglies. I've heard. We've heard that one. Yeah, that one's a good one. Chesterfield Rugby. What the fuck is that? Chesterfield rugby. I just that sounds who's calling it this dancing the goats jig what that sounds like doing the devil's dance And that's pretty much the same because goats aren't they like symbolism a black goat for the devil? Yeah. Yeah for like for that stuff two person push-ups How to Going heels to Jesus. That's fucking is staring. Heels to Jesus.

48:25Frank Alvarez:Jesus is up. Get those heels up.

48:26Joe Santagato:I heard, have you ever heard of one that you haven't seen on here? I've heard of wearing ankles as earrings.

48:33Frank Alvarez:Um, no, but that sounds like going to heels to Jesus.

48:36Joe Santagato:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

48:37Frank Alvarez:Putting the wand in the chamber of secrets. Love that one, honestly.

48:41Joe Santagato:Oh, no, I mean, I hate that one.

48:43Frank Alvarez:This one just says seeing a man about a dog. What the fuck is that? This has gotta be

48:48Joe Santagato:people that, like, they're just like, oh, what are you doing tonight? Um, It's going to see a man about a dog. I mean, can you imagine someone said that in the context of like. I'm sure that has been. Like, I could see that one, honestly, more than Chesterfield rugby. Like, we're out and you're, like, leaving a place.

49:06Frank Alvarez:I'm like, you're going to go see a man about a dog?

49:09Joe Santagato:Yeah, I could see that being one for like, you know. I could see that being one for sure.

49:14Frank Alvarez:And then lastly here we have taking old one-eye to the optometrist. Old one-eye in reference. To the wiener. Pete has one opening Most of them I got Jumping Bones once Jumping Bones I've heard, Knocking Boots I've heard

49:28Joe Santagato:Oh Hanky Panky's up there Tapping Ass Clapping Cheeks is so funny Clapping Cheeks that's one that I've heard a lot Amorous Congress

49:39Frank Alvarez:Why the fuck is that In classics You literally could convince me that is a branch of government

49:45Joe Santagato:Yes Jumping Bones I've heard, Knocking Boots I've heard Funny business. But see, funny business was not just sex. It was just like everything. It was anything. It was horsing around. It was anything. Like, you know, you and your friend, what are you guys doing down there? No funny business. Yeah, did they mean something? I mean, you know, now that you say that, maybe your parents thought we were hooking up.

50:09Frank Alvarez:No, Frank, they did not.

50:10Joe Santagato:So then why would they say it?

50:12Frank Alvarez:Because it probably doesn't mean that.

50:13Joe Santagato:I'm using your logic against you. I'm not. There's no logic. What?

50:21Frank Alvarez:I'm not. Wait, I actually just remembered something that I wanted to talk about. Love? Love when Joe remembers something. I feel like... It's going to take a while, though. We can wait here in silence. What do you need? No, no, no, no. I mean, I want to do it, but I think it's going to be a funny conversation because it's such a frank thing, and I just remembered it. We got time. No, I know. I'm just debating whether to wait until after the ads and then to do it. Just do the ads early.

50:50Joe Santagato:You got it! Yeah! That was a good idea from me.

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51:34Frank Alvarez:You've never tried something like this before, okay? It'll blow your mind. But it's very delicious. Like I said, two apples in every single Angry Orchard. Don't get angry. Get Orchard, all right? Be a part of the orchard. Be Orchard. Now I'm getting too far away from it. But like I said, they are available in bars, restaurants, and retailers. And go get yourself some, all right? And their number one hard cider in the country. And they're just great. It's like biting into an apple. I love it. It's great. So enjoy that Angry Orchard. Go get yourself some anywhere where you can get it. but they also, you can go to their website, angryorchard.com, and use the cider locator, so you can find where you can get it close to you, all right?

52:21Frank Alvarez:Angryorchard.com, go get yourself some. Enjoy that. And lastly here, we have Naturium, and Naturium is a clinically effective skincare for everyone, everywhere, every day, all right? Skincare, we all should be doing this, especially us, we're getting a little older now, but I think that everyone should be getting into their skincare routine and Notarium is going to help you do that. They have biocompatible efficacy for everywhere. Their formulas are skin friendly with pH balance ingredients that are gentle and effective enough for daily use, head to toe, but it's affordable luxury that you can use every day.

52:55Frank Alvarez:And it's part of your routine. You know, wake up, you know what I mean? Put it on your skin, make sure your skin is taken care of. It's a, I feel like an underlooked part of people's routine. You know, you're waking up, you're brushing your teeth, you're already there. Let's get this going. Let's make sure we're taking care of our skin here and they're going to help you do that. But they also have a consistency club. You can sign up and earn points, redeem rewards, and you also give your skin the affordable, luxurious globe it deserves. So go to noturium.com slash basement for 10 % off your first purchase today.

53:27Frank Alvarez:That is noturium.com slash basement spelled N-A-T-U-R-I-U-M dot com slash basement get that 10 off of your first purchase today folks okay um all right i'm sweating but i wanted to uh bring this up because i'm like i saw this tiktok and i'm like this is the most frank thing in the world but i i hold on i saved the tiktok so i have to just find i have to pull that up because the original one is is also hilarious but it was a girl talking about when she was in junior high these these are some things that she did it are you fanning your wiener No, under my shirt. Oh. So this girl posted a TikTok and it says, things I did in junior high to get attention.

54:10Frank Alvarez:And then the first one, she said that she put her Fitbit on her ankle so that people would think she had an ankle monitor. And I'm like, yo, that's hilarious. So I was laughing at the video already. Then I went to the comments. Some of these are so good. Okay. Some of these are so good.

54:25Joe Santagato:I don't, I've never had a Fitbit. I cannot imagine I would have done that. No, but like these things in general. I know, I know.

54:32Frank Alvarez:I like how he started by Frankie would love this

54:35Joe Santagato:No, because I know what he's referencing I was in middle school One of those kids was like My uncle worked for Nintendo But he gasses it up to a point

54:47Frank Alvarez:No, but some of these are so funny So I screenshot some of them And this one says I wore colored contacts and would tell people My eye color would change with my mood

54:57Joe Santagato:Damn, that's Oh my god, you remember mood rings? Do I? They were big when we were in middle school.

55:04Frank Alvarez:Wait, you had one? Well, I would put someone's on, and I'd be like, oh, it's red because...

55:09Joe Santagato:You're in love. Yeah, or something. Or horny? I don't know what red would mean. I remember my middle school girlfriend had one, and I would look at that shit.

55:19Frank Alvarez:I'm sorry. I have a question. Yeah. The colored contacts. When I was in high school, this guy walked up to me and was talking to me. I'm like, yo, dude, your eyes are so blue. Random compliment. the first time talking to this guy. Turns out he had fake contacts the entire time. When do you tell somebody? Immediately.

55:36Joe Santagato:I think it's an immediate thing. I think if you wear contacts that change the color of your eyes as an adult, that's a little crazy.

55:43Frank Alvarez:It was in high school, but like, how do you not tell me like right there when I'm copying? If I had no plan to talk to you ever again in my life, I would let you think it. Turns out he was. Oh, okay. That's fair. Like, I'm not going to, I would tell someone that I'm going to have to see again, but I'm not going to tell like a random person. He was dating one of my pretty good friends. I talked to him a bunch.

55:59Joe Santagato:I will tell you that I fully, in middle school, said this out loud and planned on getting the, like, the contacts that, like, made your eyes all white except for the black dot. Like Rey Mysterio? Exactly. Exactly why I wanted it. I used to want those, too. Because he'd come out and, you know, just, like, you know, looked sick. And I'd be like, yo, that would be cool to have.

56:21Frank Alvarez:Or the other ones, like Limp Bizkit, where it turned it all black.

56:24Joe Santagato:Oh, the guitarist or bassist for Limp Bizkit? Yeah.

56:28Frank Alvarez:Speaking of limp, this one says, I would limp around for no reason. Maybe someone would ask if I'm okay.

56:34Joe Santagato:I'm sure I did. I don't think I did, though. I definitely, if I had an excuse to limp, I would take it. If there was an ace bandage in my house, I was wearing it, and it was, oh, oh, I got hurt catching a touchdown for the championship. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, oh, well, my elbow hurts because I had to walk off Grand Slam to win the World Series. Oh, and we won money.

56:57Frank Alvarez:Did that ever work?

57:00Joe Santagato:I'm sure it did.

57:02Frank Alvarez:You get attention. Yeah. Got it. You know what I mean? There's no end goal. Oh, I thought the goal was like, kiss someone's butt or something. No, because that would be way too far. Yeah. I just wanted attention. Yeah, whoever would think that far. Definitely why you're doing it. I wasn't always like, oh my God, I'm so hurt. I'm trying to get some ass right now. I just wanted some pity.

57:19Joe Santagato:But the pity would be, you're so cute. I could take care of you and kiss you and touch your butt. I mean I thought of it more as like

57:28Frank Alvarez:not that I'm hurt but I'm like I'm fine

57:31Joe Santagato:well that's the thing is like you would prove like I'm tough I've been through things I've brought this up before but I remember years ago I found remember how you could save logs of like conversations on AIM I found one where I was talking to a girl and I was just like you know like telling you I like you is the scariest thing and I'm not scared of anything I've been bungee jumping and stared a rabid raccoon in the face yeah it sucks you wrote that yeah oh yeah dude and that's just what we remember that's yeah

58:02Frank Alvarez:this one says i never did anything outward but alone i'd act like my crush could see me through hidden cameras in my house i also act like backstreet boys called me up on stage for my

58:12Joe Santagato:favorite song to dance with them oh i would do the whole like laying down in the shower thing i would like I was doing like waking up like yeah or like you know like I was in like the burn music video yeah you're like kicking the water like usher kicking the water and you know have you ever

58:29Frank Alvarez:pretended like your crush could see you through hidden cameras in your house oh that's a good one no I don't think so it's a good one that is a good one I'll I'll like if I throw something and it goes into the trash bin I'll toss like a to nothing oh what really yeah like oh you saw that

58:45Joe Santagato:I mean, I was never a big Kobe Bryant fan, but I would hit Kobe on anything.

58:53Frank Alvarez:I'd just be like, oh, Kobe. Oh my God, did you see the video of the little kid going, I'm not Kobe, I'm Steph Curry. No. God, it was adorable. Loved it. Times are changing.

59:03Joe Santagato:People probably do the Kobe thing and don't even realize where it came from.

59:07Frank Alvarez:Probably, some people. This one says, I wrote about myself on the bathroom wall, then cried about finding it. that's a good one it's like Sarah the slut

59:17Joe Santagato:it's like who the fuck says that I got accused of that of what? of like something like that of writing something about someone else or writing about yourself no no no writing something about me I was in college and in like the school newspaper someone wrote Frankie Alvarez you're so cute XOXO your secret admirer and my buddy Sly sent it to me and he was like yo this is you I'm like I swear to god It's not. He's like, I'm not going to believe it's not you.

59:45Frank Alvarez:So someone was flirting with you via the school paper? Yeah, that's how old we are, dude.

59:49Joe Santagato:Good lord, dude. They put it in like the, like, what was the place on the, like the newspaper back in the day where it would post like, you'd like, that's how you'd find jobs.

59:58Frank Alvarez:Oh, yeah, yeah.

59:59Joe Santagato:Or like the movies that were coming out that week, the movie times.

1:00:02Frank Alvarez:That used to be a thing on Craigslist. It would be Miss Connections. And it was like, I saw a girl on the, whatever. Me and Greg when we first started OPL we were trying to reach out to people and we would go through misconnections And sometimes you read some crazy shit like someone being like we you were in line at Starbucks and you farted and like you said Excuse me, but I like I love the smell of your farts like legitimately. That was one of them Like who knows if they're actually like legit and real

1:00:27Joe Santagato:I mean, but here's why I would think that they are because they're posting that anonymously and they get nothing from it being That's fair like they get no attention You know what I mean? It's not like it's like Joe Sanagato wrote this.

1:00:39Frank Alvarez:Yeah, this is a good one. I went on vacation at Disney World and met a girl at the pool and told her my name was Dragon. That's fire, dude. That is so sick. Told her my name was Dragon. I think I didn't really go on many vacations when I was younger, but that feels like an easy one. Like if I was on vacation, I'd probably lie about everything.

1:00:57Joe Santagato:I went on a vacation and I lied about my age, my job, all that.

1:01:01Frank Alvarez:your job wasn't weren't you on a vacation when you when you were lying about sleep talking

1:01:08Joe Santagato:yeah yes i was yes so what if i like her yeah it's exactly such a good story don't cover your face with your face um i was uh it was around middle school time i went to see my family i have family in sunny jacksonville florida oh yeah and my cousin took me to a party and there was a girl there that you know was cute i thought she was cute and i told her i was a 19 year old actor that drove a uh an escalade from new york city frank you drove an escalade from new york like that jacksonville florida that would cost thousands of dollars but here's the thing that's the funniest part my idea of immense success at 15 was being a 19 year old actor driving an escalade that's amazing how old were you actually i must have been 15 14 that's great around that around that time

1:02:02Frank Alvarez:this is a good one too do i said i had to ask fm do you remember that like you remember form spring yes where you can just ask questions anonymously yeah people would ask you questions you just answer them so i had to ask fm and posted a link to my tumblr facebook instagram so people could ask me questions anonymously i would ask myself questions about my crush and low-key cyber bully myself and answer them defending myself with witty comebacks you know what that's amazing i feel like

1:02:29Joe Santagato:that's something that probably happens a lot still hundred first of all i had a form spring

1:02:34Frank Alvarez:and of course i was asking myself questions oh really yeah about like my crush so that she would

1:02:40Joe Santagato:see it oh really yeah oh you like i would leave like a little like i'd be see and then he i'm I'm glad you admit that because if you were to ask, that would have been me. But no, I would have been the one that wrote a letter and be like, it's facts. This is a tear because I was crying thinking about how beautiful you are. I was diabolical in middle school in other ways. I would definitely have cyber bullied myself and like had witty comebacks to a cyber bully. I don't think I cyber bullied myself, but like, like people do that with like burner accounts and shit like that. Yeah. I do not have the time or the care to have a burner account bro the form spring days were it was crazy

1:03:27Frank Alvarez:there was another one that was on my college oh uh also I would be in other girls' form springs asking mad questions you remember oh yes

1:03:36Joe Santagato:that was like a college campus one they had it on my at my campus and it would just be like oh uh R.A. Frank is so hot and I'd be like who the fuck and you would do it no no no but I'd try to like figure out I'd be

1:03:50Frank Alvarez:like ha ha who are you oh under a burner yeah ha ha ha right we should meet up ha ha let's meet up

1:03:58Joe Santagato:and talk about how hot he is who is this at the dining hall um that is that is some pure

1:04:06Frank Alvarez:diabolical shit I've done that though where I've gone into like other girls is like ask fms or whatever and i'd be like do you have a crush on someone in your class oh like that i mean i was

1:04:18Joe Santagato:notorious in middle school for being like you know not seeing the girl and not not talking to her getting the screen name talking to her online and then it's like let's play 21 questions yeah you know and it's like question one what's your favorite color question two uh what what is uh what's your favorite song question three how far have you gone how far have you gone was such Such a ridiculous question looking back. Or what do you think about me? You know? Shit like that. How do you feel about

1:04:52Frank Alvarez:Greek and Colombian men?

1:04:54Joe Santagato:If you were to say you prefer Greek or Colombian or criminals, who would you say? Criminals. Yeah.

1:05:05Frank Alvarez:But yeah, there was so many good ones. I remember in high school

1:05:08Joe Santagato:it was like Like to like try to get people to like you Is like that you partied Like I remember in high school just being like Yo we'd get so fucked up Yeah you know what I mean It was a big one or even in like the early Years of college where it would be like Yeah you guys party not like us We get so fucked up dude Yeah we get we drink so many beers Like someone's gonna see that and be like

1:05:32Frank Alvarez:Ooh yeah when you thought it was just like So cool to be drunk and you're like you have one Drinking like oh god I'm fucking from this.

1:05:39Joe Santagato:Yeah, it's like, honestly, I'm fucking, like, already, like, this is the most drunk I've ever been. I'm already feeling it. Like, that was

1:05:46Frank Alvarez:not attractive in any

1:05:48Joe Santagato:capacity.

1:05:49Frank Alvarez:This feels like a frank one. It says, I used to wake up and tell myself, I'm not gonna talk today, just for attention. Always failed.

1:05:55Joe Santagato:Uh, yes. I'm not talking. How's that? There were, there were, I remember, I did this a lot as I was younger, and honestly, sometimes I do it now, like, I just, I go as long as I can in the morning without talking yeah you said that but also in my middle school they had a day where it was like don't speak day and it was like it was they you'd sign up for it and it was like a lap you'd get a laminated card and it was in support of marginalized communities men and women of color people in the BTQIA plus community like to support them you opt not to speak today and my school was like my my like the school baccalaureate was like super progressive and they like really honored it so I would sign up for it every year so I'd have one day where I didn't have to do any work I was just I'd be like oh so they would just be like you don't have to talk yeah you didn't have to do work that day you didn't have to do group projects you basically had a free day and you just didn't

1:06:59Frank Alvarez:talk that's kind of cool the t the t frankie comes in with the lanyard and every teacher goes yes

1:07:04Joe Santagato:no i wasn't i wasn't getting in trouble for talking i was just getting in trouble for existing it's kind of a badass honestly i got in the water yeah i got a lot of trouble

1:07:14Frank Alvarez:a lot of trouble at school we had detention i was there for sure uh this person said um i would trace drawings and pretend i drew them that's a pretty good one that's a good one I would do something like that. I don't think I ever, I can't remember anything that I did like that, but there was a lot of, like, trying to get attention via pity. I, like, if I got a black eye, I'd be thrilled. I'd be so thrilled. Because I'm like, oh, my God, I look like a, you know, whatever. And also, I could lie. Well, that's why when we were younger, like.

1:07:51Joe Santagato:Gone to a fight with eight guys. We would do, like, those, like, jackass-type stunts. and I was like, I hope my girlfriend's coming around to see us do this where I get kicked in the balls because I'd be so in pain and I ugh, but I'm okay. You know, like there was like a machismo. You wouldn't like it. Yeah, there was like a machismo. Look at me get hurt. I'm fine. Look at me get hurt, but I'm fucking, I'm good. It's so dumb what you think is cool. It is so dumb, dude. Like when you're young, you're such an idiot. It's funny because if I had listened to what like the older people said was stupid, like it was stupid yeah you know what i mean like it was not like it was like no actually that was pretty sick

1:08:29Frank Alvarez:also do you remember how much you thought that a brand new pair of sneakers would make you just

1:08:33Joe Santagato:infinitely faster well that was like like mike did a whole number on us as as kind of later i feel like i came out i think like 2003 really 2004 maybe look it up i remember uh i remember there

1:08:49Frank Alvarez:was this kid on my my blog this kid omar and he was like i could definitely beat you in a race and I had just gotten a new pair of shoes, and I remember saying to him, like, in these shoes, no shot. Really? Yeah, like, I remember vividly being like, not in these shoes.

1:09:04Joe Santagato:I mean, I think, though, like, that has been proven. Like, certain shoes are made for running, so they're lighter, they're bouncier. Like, they are going to help you. I'm wearing basketball sneakers. It's not like running sneakers. Yeah, but, like, there is a difference. 2002. Wow. So we were 10 years old when it came out. Fifth grade? Wow. Actually, it was fourth grade going into fifth grade. Oh, that's right. Yeah. We were like, I remember to play kick, whenever we were playing kickball, I would specifically wear my boots, my Timberland boots, because I convinced myself that kicking a kickball with Timberland boots made it go farther.

1:09:44Frank Alvarez:I mean, maybe. They're heavy. I feel like the logic's there.

1:09:47Joe Santagato:I mean, I know, but as a 10-year-old or a 12-year-old, it shouldn't have been there. Yeah.

1:09:53Frank Alvarez:It's better than flip flops Break a toe Did you ever do any of that stuff? I was trying to think this entire time I'm sure I did Nothing really comes to mind Did you guys have like screen names That you were big on that? Or no? I think they were just after

1:10:07Joe Santagato:AIM was like popular

1:10:08Frank Alvarez:Was AIM only popular for that long?

1:10:11Joe Santagato:AIM I remember it dying down around 2009 So You were what like 11 at that point? 12? Did you have BBM? I

1:10:20Frank Alvarez:I had a sidekick slide So probably Well that's not But I'm talking about like Blackberries Like the phone No No? That was like the biggest thing What about Nextel's? That was even older probably

1:10:34Joe Santagato:Yeah Nextel's was 100 % older

1:10:36Frank Alvarez:I had like Samsung phones Before the iPhones were cool Kind of Oh my god Samsungs

1:10:39Joe Santagato:I had We had AIM And then we had I had Nextel's I remember Sprint Because Sprint bought out Nextel So like they incorporated that into their phones I never had a phone that did that

1:10:49Frank Alvarez:I was furious with my parents

1:10:51Joe Santagato:The reason that the Nextel was cool cool is because you would press up on the volume button and it would play your ringtone yeah and i made my own ringtones and it was just the full song right so i would just sit there and play the

1:11:03Frank Alvarez:song that i wanted everyone would do that they would just play the song yo in my white tea yo yeah and then also the talk to it was like a walkie talkie you could just hit your friends like and then you'd say and i think it was bleep bleep and then your phone would just play someone's

1:11:17Joe Santagato:voice that's dangerous yeah that happened to me in school like once or twice and they'd be like yo what's up penis licker and i'd be like i'm sorry mr a you know damn that's such a stupid

1:11:30Frank Alvarez:feature now that i'm thinking about it like i could literally just hit you at any point

1:11:34Joe Santagato:well i think it would go i think at a certain point it would go off like a call is incoming

1:11:39Frank Alvarez:it was it was called ptt push to talk yeah and it would say ptt frank because you had to have a

1:11:44Joe Santagato:separate number for ptt oh so like i i would need like your ptt number in order to do that but you can't stop me from talking i think i fuck i can't really remember now but i think they put it in so like it would be like incoming ptt and you'd have to answer it do you remember

1:12:01Frank Alvarez:people used to like customize their shit like my sister had a case that like lit up

1:12:05Joe Santagato:yeah dude yeah bro they had like see-through red ones yes i remember the one that they had that i had it was the first one that had a camera on it you'd hit a button and it fucking this shit It flew open and it could have knocked someone's teeth out. The i570. Look it up. The Nextel i570? No. My God. This guy. You got to type Nextel. N-E-X-T-E-L.

1:12:33Joe Santagato:Hell yeah. Now we're talking.

1:12:36Frank Alvarez:These things look insane. That's what it was. It was that. It was like a giant phone.

1:12:44Joe Santagato:Dude, these phones were so fucking cool Remember the Razer? Yeah The Motorola I saw, there was a bunch I remember There was the chocolate You remember the chocolate?

1:12:55Frank Alvarez:Was that the brown one?

1:12:57Joe Santagato:It came in red and white I think there was a brown color They had the chocolate, the juke Remember the juke? No The juke looked like an MP3 player and it slid open

1:13:07Frank Alvarez:Okay I had like a pretty cool phone My first phone was like All of my phones were first my sister's Oh really? Yeah, they were always Shannon's and then she would give them to me Like my phone number is her old phone number This was the later version This is what I had This was the later version

1:13:24Joe Santagato:The first one, the sidekick one and the sidekick two were like iconic Yeah, those were so cool

1:13:29Frank Alvarez:There was one that looked like this and you click it like this and it goes

1:13:32Joe Santagato:Yeah, that was the sidekick

1:13:35Frank Alvarez:Oh yeah, yeah

1:13:35Joe Santagato:Then there was the Google phone The phone and the screen would open like this Oh, I also had this one Is that the Google phone? It's the sidekick slide

1:13:43Frank Alvarez:Oh that shit is ass.

1:13:45Joe Santagato:Dude phones used to be fucking cool dude. God see why do you bring up nostalgia? Now now phones are all just the same. They're just the same and they don't look cool anymore It's just a screen in your pocket. Let me touch a button and this thing does a fucking gainer in order to open It's have you held a Blackberry recently? No, but I had the Blackberry storm

1:14:09Frank Alvarez:Bro, a Blackberry, I picked one up in a store once Like recently How we were able to type on that is beyond me Well, we had little baby fingers, that's why I mean, just adults had them

1:14:20Joe Santagato:I'll be honest, I'm getting to the age Where I'm not able to type on my iPhone anymore

1:14:24Frank Alvarez:What does that mean?

1:14:25Joe Santagato:Like my fingers are too big for buttons And I'm pressing the wrong button or two buttons at once

1:14:29Frank Alvarez:Frankie, you're like 34 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about Who cares? But like, what are you talking about? You're not old

1:14:35Joe Santagato:What are you talking about? I'm getting there And I'm 33 Do you think that when you get older, your fingers blow up? Like, what are you talking about? I mean, as keyboards stay the same size, our fingers and dexterity becomes bigger and worse. Bro, is that true? Frankie at 33 types like if you had your hands in the snow for a while. Yeah. I honestly do. Like, I'm not really good at it.

1:14:57Frank Alvarez:That's a different thing.

1:14:58Joe Santagato:Sometimes I type like this. Like, I'll put my phone down. Like, if I'm texting. No, you won't. I swear to God.

1:15:05Frank Alvarez:You put your phone down and type. Go ahead. I'll be like this. So I'll pull you up. Send Joe a full text. Okay, what do you want the text to say? Hi, Joe. Good morning. I'm Frank.

1:15:17Joe Santagato:You do this? Yeah. And see, my fingers are too big. I just put... Well, it's because you're typing like a... I do that sometimes. But it's just because, like, this is, like, I'm just, like, my finger... If I'm going for F and G, like... Yeah, what are you typing?

1:15:38Frank Alvarez:What are you typing over there, buddy? What the fuck was that about? The spectators are right next to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know what he was typing. What the fuck? A missing letter on his hat. Stop that. Hey.

1:15:55Joe Santagato:It's hot. It's getting hot in here, huh?

1:15:57Frank Alvarez:Hotter now, I bet. It's going to be hot in hell.

1:15:59Joe Santagato:You ever see that episode of Sunny where they're doing the Time's Up episode where they're in the hotel and then they do like Time's Up. They're just like, oh, it's getting hot in here.

1:16:14Frank Alvarez:Now I know Frankie's taking a while texting me back. It's because he can't even pick up his phone.

1:16:19Joe Santagato:I've got nowhere to put my phone down to type to you. What other, like, I had the Nokia brick was my first.

1:16:25Frank Alvarez:Yeah, that was mine first too. Do you remember my keyboard ripped off? So if I had to text people, or if I had to type a phone number, I had to use a stick from the ground to poke my number. Man, these are cool phones, dude.

1:16:43Joe Santagato:You know what made it cool is that it looked like a phone. Does that make any sense?

1:16:49Frank Alvarez:Nope. All right. One time for Christmas, I was like, ooh, I asked for a phone for Christmas. and i was like looking for my presence and i went looking and i found two of those phones and then i was like let's fucking go they're for keith and shannon i didn't get a phone wow i was

1:17:09Joe Santagato:tight i was tight only reason i got a phone was for seventh grade because i was going to be taking the train to and from school yeah so my parents were like if you're going to take the train you need a phone just in case and smart i don't know that i had a phone i think you got one an

1:17:25Frank Alvarez:eighth grade if i can remember maybe yeah i think i got one just when like when a majority of people

1:17:31Joe Santagato:had one it's fine that's when i got one but you grew up like your first phone was probably a smartphone does miles have a phone yeah yes he does like an iphone yep unlimited his dad pays for that one.

1:17:46Frank Alvarez:None of it. That's not what he meant.

1:17:50Joe Santagato:That's not what he meant.

1:17:51Frank Alvarez:I meant like unlimited access?

1:17:53Joe Santagato:No. So he only is allowed to use it for texting and calls. Yeah. And when he's home, he doesn't use it. Yeah. His dad pierces that one.

1:18:07Frank Alvarez:That's so funny. But yeah, I guess. I don't know.

1:18:10Joe Santagato:What other phones were cool?

1:18:11Frank Alvarez:Also, did you ever have anything that had parental lock on it? My parents never did that.

1:18:15Joe Santagato:I, not only did I not have that I had where like anything I did on my phone I was worried they were going to see it like you remember the anxiety of accidentally opening the internet and it was like the rumor was like every time you open the internet it's 30 bucks

1:18:29Frank Alvarez:no you don't remember that no but I have let it rip on the on the uh on the internet and cell

1:18:37Joe Santagato:phone before and got in mad trouble I I got in trouble because remember this is before wi-fi was like super available yeah so like you're using the internet on your phone brother it was expensive quick and i i got in trouble once because there was a website called 3g for free and it was ringtones so like i would download like 12 ringtones but the amount of time and

1:18:59Frank Alvarez:data that it took i got fucking barked at dude more than once when i was in high school the bill I put it up to like 300 bucks.

1:19:09Joe Santagato:Yeah. My dad.

1:19:10Frank Alvarez:My parents were so mad at me. I did it more than once.

1:19:13Joe Santagato:My dad shut off me and my sisters because one month we both had a$300 bill. And in 2005 paying$800. Insane. I mean, now paying$800 for cellular service is crazy. But like. Then it was even crazier. That was when you had to. And I know we've spoken about this before. And like we sound like boomers. but like it mattered who your mobile carrier was you had to like so if you had sprint i had sprint i waited until after 6 p.m to call you yeah that was the reason to have sprint because it was free calls after six other carriers it was nine so like if you had singular it was like 9 p.m you had to

1:19:51Frank Alvarez:wait to call someone you and i thought about the other day that i'm like yo this is kind of wild when before caller id that was in our life bro i remember the first time i remember the i remember my family getting the caller ID it was a separate yeah machine oh my god that you had to hook up

1:20:09Joe Santagato:like in between the the phone cable and your phone and it went in the middle yeah and like it would be like who's calling and it'd say like Santa Gato yeah and I'd be like oh fuck Joey

1:20:20Frank Alvarez:oh fuck yeah but dude that's so crazy I was thinking about that I'm like yo in my lifetime there were so many things that like happened and you're like gay people couldn't get married there was no caller id one of those issues is bigger than the other yes yeah and also the the the

1:20:38Joe Santagato:universal rights for gay people to get married was like 12 years ago yeah that's like not long that's not long dude that's so funny that's like a blink of an eye that's insane that was yesterday basically yeah what a crazy time well caller id text messaging the gays can get married What a world We're living in here Weed is legal That's another one honestly I remember thinking that'll never happen

1:21:10Frank Alvarez:I don't know if I ever really thought about it Once it hit medicinal It was all about time

1:21:16Joe Santagato:Yeah You were like 10 What the fuck do you know Sorry I'm hot I think I was right

1:21:22Frank Alvarez:Let's get out of here before we start sweating Thank you guys so much for watching Don't forget to subscribe you can what am I saying right now? you can don't forget to subscribe that's fine subscribe yeah do that

1:21:35Joe Santagato:like it subscribe mash that like button smash it kick it smash the bell take that little bell and fucking ring it

1:21:44Frank Alvarez:for you guys you go follow the show at the basement yard on TikTok and Instagram Frank you know it and and Prisca alright damn buddy you guys go follow me at Joe Sanagall go follow the show on TikTok I said that already but it's time I'll see you guys next time. Bye, everybody.

1:22:10Frank Alvarez:I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.