#569 - Choosing Our New Grandma

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30:53Okay, go check it out. And again, if you go to Naterium.com slash basement, you'll get 10 % off of your first purchase today. So go get yourself that luxurious skincare that I'm using that everyone's using. And while you're doing that skincare routine, and maybe you're kicking back with an angry orchard, why don't you throw on the Patreon? Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard is the subscription service that we tell you guys about every single week. Why? Because it directly supports us. And you get a little bit more of us. And you get these weekly episodes earlier, too. So go check it out at patreon.com slash thebasementyard.

31:24Take a gander at what we got going on over there. There's different tiers. Each of them have their own perks. That first tier is going to get you these weekly episodes one whole week in advance. And then that second tier, you get exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start your work week and your work week with the basement yard. And then there's some Santa Gata Studios in there. there's OPL, there's so much going on. So go check it out at patreon.com slash the basement yard. You guys have been overwhelmingly supportive and we are so appreciative and we want to thank you because that directly affects and influences everything that we do here.

31:55So thank you so much. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. Yes. And I know what you're asking yourself. If I sign up today, am I just going to get what comes out after I sign up? Uh, uh, uh, you'll get everything available, everything that has previously been available. So whether you're going back to school, whether you're starting a new job in the fall, whatever you got coming up, let Patreon, let The Basement Yard be a part of it. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. And if you want to sign up or you want to give it as a gift, do yourself the favor, save yourself a couple bucks by going to a web browser and doing it that way.

32:24If you use the smart app, it's going to take a couple extra bucks from you. You know, it'll add up through time. But if you want to save the money, do it on a web browser. So Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. We love you. We thank you. And guess what? We're back doing shows. What? Are you kidding? We're so excited. We are really, really pumped. These shows are going to be a lot of fun. We have been putting together what the run of show is going to be like, and it's going to be entirely different from those old shows that we did previously. But something that we are doing is we want to do more audience interaction because those cards that we did during the first two rounds of shows were so fun.

32:59We want to do them again. So we have gone and used the website again, thebasemanyard.com slash submit. If you go there, you'll be able to put in what show you're coming to, what night you're coming to, and then you can submit a picture. It's going to be a visual representation of what the cards basically were. So if you go, you submit a picture, add a context, crazy, kooky, banana, whatever. And then you add some context. If you want, you add your name and maybe we'll choose it. Maybe we'll talk about it to you, with you, about you. It doesn't matter. We want them to be crazy and fun because how much fun we had doing the cards the first time.

33:33So Go check it out right now. TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. So much coming up. So much going on. We love you. We appreciate you. We'll get right back to you. What was I going to ask before I said, like, we'll get to the ads? I said something. I was like, we're going to get to something. We're going to get to the ads. The last note I have is stuffed toast. That is French. Can't believe that. Fuck, I forgot it. Panacocan? Oh, yes. The panic call. I didn't write that down because I couldn't spell it. Yes. We did the show. I don't know if we publicly spoke about this.

34:09I know we joked about it at some of our shows. But we did the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in 2025 at the Queen Mary Theater. I think that's where we're doing the show again this year, right? Or this? Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth. Forgive me. Different queen. I don't want to upset anyone. One of them's a ship. but Mikey our videographer and video genius extraordinaire uh he lived there for a little bit didn't he and he said like where could we were like where could we go for good breakfast and he told us a place but like we didn't know it was like going to like IHOP it was like the IHOP of Vancouver it's called the Dutch the Dutch and Greg took a video and you like pan and you see like Like, you know, Mikey gets his avocado toast and everyone else gets a seemingly sensible breakfast.

34:59And then you pan toward me and it's just a fucking... Pan of Coke-in. It's a pan of Coke-in, all right. Yeah. But it was on like... It was a big plate. It was a big pan of Coke. It was big. But whatever. Yeah. We had a good time. There was fresh fruit on there, so that was my healthy part of it. Right. You know? And there was a lot of whipped cream on there. Certainly. I didn't skimp on the syrup that I put on there either. You know, if you're going to Coke in, pan a Coke in. You know what I'm saying? That's the tagline for them. I think so. Yeah. Have you ever not finished a meal? Ooh, that's a good question.

35:40No. Yes. The answer is yes. I can't tell you when. Like once or twice. I'm not counting that. Like 97. Like what percentage of meals do you completely finish? um i would say a good over 90 definitely easily over 90 over 90 i'm finishing the meal and like not just the like the main of the meal like the sides as well well it's very rare that i don't very rare i mean fair yeah you've said that numerous times that you're like i don't want to waste the food that's on my plate yeah i think i i think it's a it's just it's a combination of my insatiable appetite and i like feel like i paid for this i'm gonna fucking eat it all right there you go is that crazy no it's just aggressive really said that yeah is that aggressive i feel like leaving aside is fine what is the average percentage of a meal that you finish let's do that oh over 80 over 80 80 of each meal yeah yeah okay i mean at a restaurant yeah have you ever like because i think i saw that you had posted when uh you and nicole were in portugal you were like if i had no pride i would lick this plate how many finger no how many plate licking meals have you had oh no i mean that was because it was like this dessert and like whatever thing it was sitting in was like unbelievable and i was like oh my god really like if i was home i'd be licking it like a fucking cat what would what would have to happen for you to do one of these oh not much oh you're yeah i'm not above that i've been talking about like putting this thing up to my face like i just want wimbledon and just like you know what i mean would you do i mean i guess if you didn't do that for that dessert in in portugal you're not going to do that for anything else Yeah, I mean Licking a plate in public is crazy It's a tough look Is it?

37:35Yeah Alright, maybe you don't bring it up to your face But like Sneak a lick Is that worse? I think it might be worse Really? So cool, let me smell that I'm not even saying that Like just be open about the plate licking Is it a bowl? Because if it's a flat plate Your nose is hitting the plate probably You can't have your nose Brother, you could put your tongue out further than your nose you can't no yeah you could you can put your tongue out further than your not can you do it turn your head turn your head not that far that's too much you're curling up yep that's further than your nose brother oh cool absolutely look yeah but how far let me see you're down you gotta go straight also turn your head more for the camera your shit is so curved oh yeah you're fine all right all right i'm worried about getting stuck out there was that curving up a little bit.

38:28You were like, it was kind of like a wave. I got a big ass nose though too. I guess if I, could I hold it?

38:36Are you saying? It really does look like a piece of meat. I mean, we eat beef tongue, cow tongue. What is it called? Have I eaten that? I don't know if I have. Yes, we have. We had it together in Ireland. Did we? Yeah. Oh. You ate one side of it, I ate the other. Yeah. That's a joke. No, they like prepared it on a plate at that restaurant we went to in Dublin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot about that. What does that taste like? It was good. Whatever is made with. Quite tender. You're not in?

39:11Where do we go from there? That was a stretch. You had said something before about the most romantic cities in the U.S.? Yes. So Forbes, I believe it was Forbes, recently did a study about the most romantic. I haven't. And you wrote Frobes. I did. I did. Frobes. Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot. They did a study and apparently they revealed the most romantic cities in the United States. Per a Gillis report. I don't know what the hell that is. But there are five destinations for romance-inclined travelers looking for a domestic holiday. I'm going to give you... Honestly, there were two on here that I was pretty surprised by.

39:52Two that I'm like, alright. One that I was just like, huh. like but there's two that was just like what i couldn't get it do you can you think of any romantic cities in the united states nothing like stands out to me the only thing i'm thinking of is like new york okay yes new york was the most romantic city in the okay um now i'm fresh out they earned the top spot in the study with over 212 romance related searches per 100 000 residents earned high engagement across all categories from romantic walks and hotels to couple activities and date night ideas, making it the ideal spot for planning a proposal, anniversary, or whatever memorable vacation you want as a couple.

40:31Chicago? Chicago's on there. It's four. Okay. Chicago, that's a good one. They have a good food scene. So is it just, like, good restaurants? Big cities? It's, like, dense cities, I guess? Because, like, I can see – I guess I don't live in Chicago, and we've only been briefly and twice, or at least I've only been briefly and twice, and it's i don't know of anything romantic there unless like you love wrigley field i've done a like near the bean there's like a like oh you could do like a walk it's like a nice little walk there i guess yeah and there's i mean there's that big river what's the is it green river green river forst patrick's day they turn it green whatever the name of the river is couldn't tell you could you do like a cute little boat ride on there oh sure but i i can't even in new york i We have Central Park.

41:20Yeah. We have, like, you know, boat rides around Manhattan. I think it's called just the Chicago River. Okay. That was going to be my guess. I mean, forgive me for not knowing. Oh, I didn't know it either. I'm not. I'm just saying. But, okay, so you got New York and Chicago. I will be honest with you. If you get these next three, I would be very, very surprised. San Francisco. No. Damn it. Good guess. That is a good guess. No California cities in the top five. I would imagine like you would see like a California like but I guess not LA because LA is not known can you give us an area um none of these are on the west coast no west coast cities which is surprising um

42:10Providence No I haven't been to Providence Or have I? If I have I remember nothing about it With Boston? Definitely not Boston Romantic up there I don't know At least you have sweet hat Come here Suck your cock What is Wow Bozeman Is that in Ohio? Montana Or Montana? Yeah I don't know I'm just like trying to name weird places. No, no, no, no. Seattle. They're popular cities and nothing on the West Coast. That's West. Popular cities. Mount Rushmore. That is not a city. Oh. Also, I don't know if... It's in North Dakota, I believe. And would that be romantic? Hey, babe. Let's go look at the presidents.

42:52Let's go look at four old fucking white men carved into stone. History buff? I don't know. Atlanta. No, that's a good one. I thought it... Honestly, when I heard, I thought Atlanta would be on there. Atlanta was not on there. Is there anything? I'll give you one. Is there Georgia? No. There is a Texas city on here. There's an obvious. I would think that there's an obvious one. Houston? No. Dallas? No. Austin? Yes. Austin, Texas? Apparently. Big, big romance scene. Okay. It's cute. They got a lot of like twinkly lights in places and stuff like that, which is cute. I guess. They had a lot of parks, like floral gardens and stuff, whatever that— Did they?

43:38Botanicals. Did they have that? They had parks and stuff. I guess it's nice. I think they had a big botanical. So, Portland? Well, hold on. Before I—so, number three was Austin. Wow. 200.1 romance-related searches per 100 ,000 people. This city particularly stood out for date night ideas and romantic weekend trips, showing that Austin's reputation for lively cultural activities and outdoor adventures have preceded it. So it's also taken into account like nature. I'm going Denver then. No. That's what I was thinking. What the fuck? No. So we're missing two and five. Folder. No. Are we going too far west?

44:14Yes. Got it. Yes. It's – I'm not even – I'm just going to name random cities. Well, hold on. Try to use some fucking – like try to use your brain for doing it. Absolutely. Drill them. Nashville? Yes. Nashville's number two. That is the – that's one where I was just like, huh? second place 201.5 searches best known for its music scene but research shows it has a lot of soft spot for romance combination of live entertainment nightlife and southern hospitality makes it a great destination for couples looking to spend quality time together in a laid-back but vibrant atmosphere okay i didn't get that at all for my one time going to nashville laid back i i wouldn't describe it as laid back in any capacity i mean it's to be fair i've only been on fucking Broadway.

45:00It's laid back in the sense of like, you've drank enough and then you have fallen backwards. Like, I can't. That place was an amusement park of alcohol. Yeah. I mean, if you like country music, that place is probably the most romantic place on the planet. Really? I think so. Oh, let's go to Luke Bryan's bar. Like, you just name a country singer, let's go to their bar. That's kind of cool. Have you guys stumbled across the guy on TikTok who just makes songs like sounding like how Luke Bryan songs sound. Yeah. Peanut butter on my butt. Peanut butter on my taint. Yeah. Tainting doo-doo finger paint.

45:35Or there was one where it was just like, God gave us fingers and God gave fish wieners. Now what are we supposed to do? We go to the park, jack them off.

45:51Peanut butter on my taint. And it's all like dubbed over like Luke Bryan, and doing an awkward shimmy on a stage. Okay. All right, so there's one more city that legitimately blew me away. Orlando. No. Is that warm? Is Orlando warm? No, no, no. Is that close to where the city is? It's closer than any other city you've named. Yes, it's close. Miami. No. It can't be Miami. It can't be Miami. Well, I mean, oh, let's go for out for a night on of romance at fucking 11 an ocean drive. Yeah Let's go see the brightest neon lights you've ever fucking seen in your life. What is it? Is it? Is it a Charleston?

46:37No, that would have been I thought it would have been like a Savannah or Charleston where it's like just kind of You know, like a little slower Is it am I are we Northeast? No, nothing in the Northeast outside of New York Oh, he said Florida was more. Baton Rouge. No, I've never been. I thought that was in Europe. Baton Rouge? Baton Rouge, Louisiana? Sounds European. Well, it is French. Baton Lounge.

47:08So it's a little Midwest-y? No. Where is it? All right. You might get here better if I just told you. Louisville. The least romantic places you could think of. This would have been on my like Newark, New Jersey No, hey That's fair But no Because people like that close to a major city are just going to go to New York For romance The least romantic place you can think of DC No You're spinning your wheels here Do you want me to just help you? Virginia Duval Jacksonville jacksonville florida apparently yo if you had told me to name the five most non-romantic places on the planet four of them would have been jacksonville jacksonville is uh okay i mean i've never been there i so i have family there and i remember a very different jacksonville so it says that the only florida city to make the top five records 187.9 searches per 100 ,000 residents thanks to its waterfront restaurants outdoor spaces and stunning coastlines the city boasts strong interest in romantic attractions and sunset cruises in particular maybe i mean i've never been to jacksonville but it didn't strike me as that but maybe it is i mean the pictures we're seeing on google here if i were to ask you that looks pretty does that does look pretty that doesn't look like that's jacksonville that's a i mean that's a fountain someone took a picture from the point of view of a fountain fountain's a romantic you ever see when people get on tiktok and they're filming like they're in Bali or something.

48:46They're like, this ain't Newark, New Jersey. Or just like, oh my God, Sunnyside, Queens. Have you seen the, I think it's like a temple in New Jersey. Temple? It's like, I don't want to offend the religion, but like, it's like a temple. Look up crazy looking temple in New Jersey. I swear to God, this is a real thing. Like a Jewish, like a synagogue? I don't think it's a synagogue. It is a religious. You just typed up a crazy temple. Yeah, dude. I think that's it. That first one. What the fuck in New Jersey? I think, yo, I'm not kidding. Yeah. Yo, that's in like fucking like. Oh, it's Hindu. It's like above.

49:3296 million dollar Hindu temple, dude. That's like people like I saw that. I was like, OK, the headline says opens amid accusations of forced labor. What's going on? I mean, I can't speak to that, but like, that's like in New Jersey. Robbinsville. Yeah. Second largest in the world. Wow, this looks very pretty. It does. It looks beautiful. I had no idea there was a giant Hindu population. Which is like, I mean, I guess, but like, it's just funny because like what you're saying where it'll be like the Amalfi Coast and it'll be like, this ain't fucking Woodhaven. Yeah, yeah. You know? And then it's just this.

50:05The scale of this is gigantic. That's why it's like insane that it actually exists in, of all places, New Jersey. Elephants are so sick. I love elephants, dude. But yeah, Jacksonville, Florida is one of the five most romantic cities in the country. That's wild. So we're going to Jacksonville? Us three? To do what? Go on a date? Yeah, let's go find out why. Let's go find out why. Let's go. Who's telling what could happen? I mean, I always just thought it was just like high humidity and Marlboro Reds down there. And the Jaguars, baby. Yeah. We do have some more sponsors. We have DoorDash, okay? You guys know DoorDash.

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54:21Can you say blue glue gun five times fast? Blue glue gun. We did a video. Didn't we do a video doing that? Blue glue gun, blue glue gun, blue glue gun, blue glue gun, blue glue gun, blue glue gun. I think I did okay. It became a glun. It's like 72%. Blue glue glun. Ant, you had a thing about pizza. I did, if you want, if you guys were getting hungry. I am very hungry tongues right now. So it is a hungry tongues. Yeah. What's wrong with that? Honky tonk. I wouldn't say honky tonk. Spend$6 on these pizzas. I mean, right off the rip. Hold on. Cheese at$1 a steal. Duh. Wait, is pickle pizza up? Like, is that something that actually is eaten?

55:07Uh, no, I love pickles. Don't get me wrong. But like, is that like something people order now? I've never heard of that in my life. Also, truffle mushroom at two? That's crazy. Well, are they using truffle oil or are they using real troughs? I don't know if I would want a whole mushroom pizza. I like mushrooms. I do too, but not like that. I like mushrooms quite a bit. Low key, a veggie pie? I'm into. I mean, I don't dislike it. It just makes you feel full. The only one on here that, like, I kid you not, if I was, like, with someone and they're like, Let's get a pie, and they asked for Hawaiian.

55:42I am rearing back, and I am fucking, like, jumping out the nearest window. Dude, Hawaiian pizza, we will be those people. It is not. It's fucking garbage, dude. I've never had it, but I'll also say a mac and cheese pie, I'd be like, what the hell are we doing? That's a lot, dude. What are we doing here, a mac and cheese pie? What was, like, the most—I know you used to do barbecue chicken, but, like, what was the most, like, over-the-top pizza that you would have? a chicken bacon ranch. Hell yeah. Keith used to get that. Hell yeah, brother. It's a classic one. It's like a lot, though. Like, I could eat, like, one slice of that.

56:17I could never eat two. I was a big penne slice guy. I used to rip penne slices. Dude, the portobello penne slices, this thing was, like, it weighed six pounds. My order was always a penne slice and a chicken roll. See, I would always do a penne slice and a rice ball. Okay. Good. You seem like pepperoni bites kind of guy. Oh, yeah. What's pepperoni bites? What's that? Wait, why do you say that like disrespectfully? I don't think it was disrespectful. That's a bite. That's a bite. I imagine he's talking like a pizza pocket. Is that what you're talking about? It's kind of like a garlic knot, but it's pepperoni.

56:49It's like - Oh, I haven't had that, but I'm in. Oh, like a pinwheel. Yeah, but it's smaller even. I am still on my journey to find the world's perfect garlic knot. I thought I had found it. I brought this up recently, but I'm open to suggestions. You're going to be the garlic knot guy? I love garlic knots, dude. Really? I love, like, the portobello. What percent of garlic knots do you think are good? Ooh. I don't think it's that high. 12%. Oh, wow. Ooh, that's lower than I thought it was going to be. I've had bad garlic knots because it is such a fine line. Yeah. Such a fine line. It needs to be the perfect amount of garlic.

57:25It can't be too doughy. It needs to be a little crispy, crunchy. Portobello, they set the standard, and I've yet to find the perfect one. Those were good ones. Sometimes you get garlic knots, and you're like, this is a dry freak show. I used to get There was a place I used to get up In Connecticut That like They would do garlic knots But like They would do them In a pan Covered in sauce And baked with cheese on top Which I don't hate But like I didn't want that Yeah now we're getting soup Soup brother You were getting basically Just like a deep dish pizza Yeah Which I didn't want No I'm here for the knots I want a side But you're making it a full God so good So If I gotta spend six dollars here Also loaded tots What does that even mean I don't know but it feels good.

58:06It feels good. Think of loaded tots. You've got tater tots. You've got bacon, chives, cheddar, sour cream. No chicken bacon ranch on here is kind of wild. Yeah, that is. It would be a four, though. I mean, you've got a buffalo chicken up there, which is huge. And you've got a barbecue chicken, which is low-key great. Meat Lovers is crazy high, too, by the way. I mean, I guess you're paying$4 because you've got the whole— Ten pounds of meat on it. If you put it any lower, just price value, you've got to go Meat Lovers. Yeah, I mean, I'm going cheese, duh. Pepperoni, yeah. And now I have$3, so I'll probably...

58:40You'll go Bubby Chicks. I would either do barbecue chicken or deluxe. Yo, deluxe is too much, dude. Because deluxe is everything, all of it right now. That was a great movie. But that's kind of what I like about it. Is that you can eat one and you'd be pretty satisfied. I mean, I would not only eat one. But, like, I can't. Becca's parents do, like, deluxe. It has, like, everything on it. And it's just, like, you lose. It's no longer pizza. It's everything. It's just everything. So, like, you're eating more of the toppings than you are. Like, I feel like it needs to be a good balance. Honestly, I'm super cool with doing buffalo chicken and pepperoni.

59:22I'm fine. I love pepperoni. I'm such a simple little boy. But you're a buffalo chicken guy? Buffalo chicken is unreal. Looks like it's good. Looks like it's drizzled with a little bit of blue cheese. Of course it is. Blue is the way. All the self-respected ones are. What would you do? Me? I think you've got to go three pizzas here. I feel like getting two, you're wasting your money. It's$6. You're getting a deal no matter what you fucking get. You only got two pies. A pie now is like$30. Buffalo chicken pie will get up there. I would say barbecue chicken, give me loaded tots, and a cheese. I don't know what loaded tots is, but I'm willing to try.

59:58I'm not a fan of pepperoni. Really? You're not a pepperoni guy? No. Interesting. I love when they're little pepperonis and they're like curled up so they become little bowls. Those I like. You know what I mean? That's pepperoni. Yeah, but it's not though. It is though. It's a different thing. Like a thick cut like little cup. You know, you know like little tiny ones? Yeah, that one's good. They like curl up. Yeah, that one's good. God, I love pepperoni, dude. Yeah. I saw this video one time of this place. They like had a bunch of pepperoni and they bake it like in the oven and then they take it out and there's like a bunch of juice obviously.

1:00:30The oil. They put that into a plastic squirt bottle with some sauce or whatever, and they mix it up. Hell yeah. And they put mad pepperoni, and then they put that on top. Hell yeah, dude. Absolutely, heart's going to absolutely cease to exist, but that's a great pie. But that's when you get a slice. If you get a pie of that, you're basically, what do you think that is calorie-wise? A pie, a standard 18-inch, not good. for fucking 5 ,000? It might not even be the calories. It might just be like what it is. Oh, just like the saturated fat content? Yeah, you might as well just like put your lips around the fucking exhaust of your car and rev the engine.

1:01:10Yeah. Also, I'm not against going veggie pepperoni barbecue chicken because as long as there's some of the stuff going on there, like the... I like a pie that has a lot of different things on it. Really? Also, if you're going to get two pies, do barbecue chicken and deluxe. It's just a better value. I mean, I guess But like, I just I like the taste of buffalo chicken I like the little spice Hence why I like the pepperoni I don't hate the buffalo chicken It's got a little like It's not spicy But it's got a little like It's flirting with spice Yeah You know It's in the name Pepper Hawaiian in the three What's that about?

1:01:50That's bananas No one's taking that I'm telling you right now Hawaiian doesn't deserve its place In like There should be a fake pizza place That like When they take orders and they say like, all right, I'll get a Hawaiian pie. Like, all right, we'll be right there and then they just egg their house. I need to try a Hawaiian slice just to see what all the hype is not about. Can I build a pizza for you quick? What about this? Bacon, pineapple, jalapenos. What about that? You lost me at the pineapple. No, but you get spice and you get the sweet and the salty. I don't like cooked fruit. We just did a whole episode where people yelled at me because I kept saying how much I hate fruit.

1:02:22What if it's not cooked and you just throw pineapples? Like a cold? Yeah. I'm cool with like a, ooh, There was the place at the old studio that they drizzled hot honey on it. Now we're talking. Like a spicy pepperoni, like a super spicy pepperoni with hot honey. I like the spicy soprasada pieces. Yeah, dude. I'm into that. You know what I do also like? White. Yeah, I don't mind white. It's all right. But I've had a bruschetta piece where it was just like loaded with bruschetta. Bruschetta? Yeah. What is that again? It's tomatoes, garlic, onion. I thought it seems like it's just tomatoes. Well, I mean, it's mostly tomatoes.

1:03:08Braschetta? Yeah, it's like tomatoes and like - There's cheese in there too? Oh, yeah. But like that on top of pizza? Yo, balsamic glaze? Yeah. I like love it. I love that shit. I love balsamic glaze. I sent a picture to Dylan the other day for, like, breakfast. I had Becca's sourdough toast with – she's been growing fucking tomatoes out of the garden, and they've been incredible. Sliced on top of there with some shaved gouda cheese and balsamic glaze. Ugh. Dude. Balsamic glaze. It fucking punched me in the mouth, kissed me back in the mouth, and then punched me in the ass. That's good. I love balsamic glaze, dude.

1:03:54If I could submerge my body into something, it would be that, I think. It's got to be good for you, right? No. Any glaze. Anything that tastes that good is no shot. It's not. It's a lot of sugar. Medium take. Bruschetta sucks. One of the worst things you've ever said. It's not a hot take. It doesn't suck, but you can fuck it up if the cracker is impossible to bite. I hate that they put it on the hardest pieces of bread. I don't know what to say to either of you guys right now. Do you like that? I like bruschetta. I just don't like when they put it on this stale-ass piece of bread. I'm not saying stale, but, like, if it's a piece of, like, Melba toast, I'm in.

1:04:31I don't even know what that is. Don't know what that is. Melba toast. It's like the little, like, crackers that you find in, like, trail mix. If you have to make up different toasts for this to taste good, that's not. No, no, no, no. But I'm saying, like, if it's, like, the perfect biteable size and it's crunchy on top of everything that you get, you know Melba toast, dude. Oh, no. See, this is the kind of shit I don't enjoy. Get the fuck out of here. I'd rather it be like an actual piece of bread, not just like fake bread. This is like, you know. I mean, it's a cracker. You want it? Wait, so you just want it on like a piece of fucking white bread?

1:05:02No, no, no, no, no. I want it to be on like the little pieces of bread that are like this. Like a baguette. Like a baguette that they cut at an angle or something? Yeah, and that's like a little toasted, but not like hard. Like I'm eating like a dry cracker. Oh, man, I love it when it's crunchy on a dry cracker. But then I take a bite. Everything goes everywhere. There's tomato all over the ground. No, if it's the perfect bite size, you could fit the whole thing in your mouth. Open your mouth. I'm not going full bruschetta in my shit. Why not? Because you need to take two bites. I mean, at least.

1:05:26I so disagree with that, dude. If it's stacked with shit. But, like, if it's just the perfect amount of it. Like, look, look. Perfect. You know what also I'm a big fan of? When people have a dish out and it's just, like, fresh fucking freezing cold tomato. And then a piece of mozzarella cheese. And then you get the balsamic. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then you throw a little fucking prosciutto on there. Yeah. You know what I'm talking. You know what I'm talking. Have you had prosciutto on pizza? Like a fig. Hell yeah. Like a fig glaze. You know, fig jam? Arugula. Fig jam's fucking crazy. God bless the person who found that out.

1:06:05The Neanderthal that invented that. I think it was a little later. Probably. They weren't fucking with figs. Probably not. They were hoping they didn't get malted. It was a tough time. But fig jam, my God. Unbelievable. I love that stuff. I'm in on fig jam. I'm in. I'm clearing out the fig jam. I'm putting my finger in the little glass jar. Yeah, you're licking it? If it's at the end, yeah. I'm telling you right now, there's like the, I don't know what brand it is, but it comes and it looks like it has like folded paper on top of it. And it's like, I'm in, dude. When it make it look like it's like by like a pioneer woman.

1:06:38Yeah, it looks like, it's just like, yeah, I know what you're talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's got a little dress on. Yes, it's got like, got all dressed up for daddy's mouth. Yeah. Oh. Fig jam I know I gotcha That's great Fig jam Yeah Fig jam Jam it in your mouth That's a great tagline Fig jam Jam it in your mouth It's not I mean it's not great It's definitely like risque It's out there You would have to like Sell the board I mean but I think that like That's what everyone's doing now Like fucking Tom Brady's just like Here have some of my good nut So like Yeah it's wicked San Agado Studios Fig jam company Where it's just like Jam this in your hole Jam Jam this in your ass No No, but see, if you specify ass, then you've narrowed down to a very specific market.

1:07:22Yeah. You could get sued if people do it. What would we call it?

1:07:29Jam.

1:07:32Figgy time. Well, figgy time. Jam it in your mouth. Figgy time. Jam this in your hole. Hole jam. No. But we spell it like hole. I was just saying fig jam. No, like whole jam Like you spell it like the whole of something Yeah, like W So it's like a whole jam Or if we get silly with it Like whole foods Pump up the jam And it's just like, remember that song? Pump up the jam Oh, okay I'm sure that has never happened before It's happened You know, pump up the jam, pump it up While your pizza is thumping How do you feel about Like strawberry jam or grape jam whatever that's in the plastic squirt bottles i'm fine with it really i despise it i do like the sound it's like an asmr sound of like the the fucking butter knife hitting the glass but then i got this like it's like i'm making a fucking a fucking peanut butter and jelly and this thing's queefing all over me i don't need this thing i like it but like i don't like when i like let go and it like it sucks yeah it's butthole like that i don't like when it like re-sucks in its own jelly yeah i don't like that shit at all also ketchup figure it out it's a little wet what is that even when i shake it sometimes it's like i still get a little pee i'm like bro come on i think um ketchup it's the hole for the ketchup opening on a ketchup bottle is too big we need to go back to the older like more like narrow squirt bottles what like when you have like a thing of heinz ketchup yeah the hole that this ketchup squirts out of yeah also So make it universal.

1:09:12Are you having the rubber around this hole or are you just going to not? Because sometimes I think there's rubber and I go like that and there's ketchup everywhere. And then sometimes I do a little one and I have to like squeeze until I'm shaking. You know what I'm talking about? No. You know what I'm talking about. Well, I only really use the squirt ones these days. But the squirt ones, some of them are like bigger mouths and they don't have any like sealant, like rubber sealant on the inside. Oh. And then there are other ones that do have that. Right. They need to make it universal. I use the one that has the seal.

1:09:42But it does come out fast. I'm just saying that hole, whether it be on the sealing one or the non-sealing one, too big. Go a little smaller. Well, the one that I usually get, you have to really press it for the ketchup to come out. And this thing's coming out violently, like mad quick. Listen, I know I'm going to upset you here. I do think that design-wise and bottle-wise, we peaked at the Easy Squirt green and purple. It's the same bottle No it's not It's got like the twist top And it's a smaller hole at the top Twist top? Well the one I buy is twist top Really? Yeah So it's twist top and it has rubber on it?

1:10:20Wait what twist top? What do you mean by that? Where like it's like You like take it and you twist it like that And it kind of like opens up Oh no And then like the little like nipple in the bottom Like sinks down No no no Like a sports drink? No Like a sriracha? Yes exactly Sriracha bottles Right right right Sriracha I don't like those because they always get so like there's like shmegma on the top of them. Yeah, there is. Oh, that's bad. There is. Oh my god. There's certain bottles where you're like, bro. I just pull back a little bit and wipe it off. Well, like that happens whenever I have like Frank's Red Hot bottles.

1:10:50Pull it back a bit and wipe it off. We know who's not circumcised. Yeah, we know what you got going on. No, I'm chopped. You're rolling with a full chop. You're chopped? I'm chopped. In the pants. Where else would you have been chopped? Chopped is also a thing for like... Oh, yeah. You're ugly? Yeah, I'm not doing that. Oh, chopped used to be high. I'm so chopped. Chopped used to be high. Oh, yeah. Back in our day, it was like when you were chopped, you were zooted. You were sauced. Sauced is drink. I mean, tomato, potato. Yeah. Either way, I encourage my ketchup to pee first. And then I... I mean, just one of these.

1:11:27Sometimes it doesn't work. I also get... I don't know about you guys, but I get unnecessarily angry when I go to put ketchup on my plate and the thing hasn't been opened yet, I'm like, God, you're kidding me. Like, it's like the most complicated thing in the world. I get so angry where I'm like, how's this not open? I got more angry because I just got, like, mayo, and I opened it before I tried, and it was already open. So it's like that one doesn't have the top on it. I'd prefer it be not open. Like, I'd prefer that, like, I'm the first one to crack it so I know the usage of this ketchup that I am using.

1:11:58And I'm not even saying at home. I've also been to, like, parties where it's just like I was the first one. Yeah. I just, I would rather that be the case. Yeah, I mean, I get that makes sense, but I don't know why. I just am like, oh, my God. Yes, sir. Does that make sense? That he would rather be, he feels safest if he knows that, like, he's the first one. What do you think people put in there? I don't know, but I just would rather feel safe. Because also there are people that, like, will take a catch-up and they'll, like, get a little too close to whatever they're putting it on, and it'll get, like, some of the residue on the top.

1:12:32Oh, my God, who are these people? Psychopaths? Criminals? No. Bad people. I'm like that with water fountains. I'm like, who put their fucking ass and mouth on this thing? Dude, a good water fountain. Huh? They don't make them like they used to. Remember when water fountains used to have, like, different tips? Like, by us, they were, like, rocket-shaped tip. Yeah. They were good. Yeah. And then you could put your finger on it and squirt it. So, like, if you didn't want to get your mouth too close to the thing, you can squirt it so it would squirt into your mouth. So it would be whatever it's kicking up from the spout and then your dirty finger as well.

1:13:11Double whammy. Now that you said it, I just... Also, the next time you go, definitely dirty, you're putting your fingers all over it. Like a park water fountain. I've drank it from the water fountain at the park a lot growing up. Brother, park water fountains was the most delicious water I've ever had in my entire life. And it tasted like the street. Because literally I can taste a hubcap. It tasted like a water balloon. Like, that's what I remember it tasting like. And like metal, metallic water balloons. Yeah, but it's okay. It tasted like armor. It's okay. I mean, I think by the time we got around to it, most of the lead was out of the water.

1:13:45Oh, I think I was tasting the lead. You got a little lead? A little. A lot of lead. Yeah. It felt like I was drinking, like, therium? I don't know. What's the shit in the mercury? In thermometers? Yeah. How does that work? At room temperature, it's... But, like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't know. You're asking... Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm asking you about thermometers. After everything we've talked about, do you think I'll be able to provide insight on how mercury in a thermometer works? How'd they figure that out, man? I don't know, man. Also, what? I was just debating, like, man, it's not worth it.

1:14:25You know what I think about? Like, back in the day, the thermometers, how they just were, like, they had the mercury in them, and you would just put that in your mouth. Yeah, dude. They had glass thermometers that they would put in a kid's mouth and be like, let's see how you're doing. Or downstairs. Have I ever done that? That's still a thing. You ever get a thermometer in your butt? I'm sure I did when I was a baby. I'm sure I did when I was a baby too, not as an active adult. Is that something you have to do when they're a baby dealer? I think it's just easier to get a more accurate reading from there.

1:14:53Yeah, but now they do the ear. Right. Well, they have the guns now. It's like you're scanning them like they're bananas or something. Yo, when that fucking doctor would put that metal, that plastic thing and like shoot it off in my ear, you know what I'm talking about? No. Yes, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yo, that shit was good. It was like they would take a gun, they'd go and get like a reusable ear thing, and then they'd fucking like cock it and put it in my ear. And then like press something, and it felt like they were shooting my ear. I know the thing that has like a light on it.

1:15:22No, but like the doctor one was not that small and cute and quaint. This thing had a fucking like tether. It was tethered to the wall This thing was brolic I thought it was like He would just like Look with like Light I didn't I was getting shot in my ear With shit I don't know what I was Getting shot with But that shit was like Basically like It felt like it was Cocking back a desert eagle In my ear Whoa I felt that way About the fucking Eye test I hate that Wait what eye test When they would like Puff the The air in your eye Oh I don't remember that Yeah I hated that part You know When was the last time You got an eye exam A couple years ago.

1:15:59They didn't do the puff. I don't remember that. It's for, like, glaucoma. I don't remember that, no. Oh. When I needed my new prescription. You've never seen a thing where you look down, and it looks like a hot air balloon, and it would be, like, out of focus and then in focus, and then it hits you with a puff? I don't remember that. Wow. I remember that giant fucking thing they put in my eye where they're like... One or two. One, two. One, two. Two, two, three, three. Three, two. Three, two. I love that. Let's go to the eye doctor. What is it like? Let's get an eye doctor in here. We got Dr. Mike, but he can't know everything.

1:16:28What the fuck does he know about eyes? He definitely doesn't know the fuck he's talking about eyes. No fucking way. He might know medicine and he might know general stuff, but like eyes? No shot. Fuck you. What do you know about the optic nerve? Optiophthalmologist. You're getting on my optic nerve. Fucking Dr. Mike. This guy now, he can't tell us about fucking hand, foot, mouth. Yeah, he's not an HFM. What is it? I don't know. Like an HFM specialist? You ain't got a specialty in fucking mouths Was it ear Oh EMT Ear mouth tongue HFM I don't know what that means Hand foot mouth Oh Is that a thing?

1:17:05I mean it's a thing The last time I went to the eye doctor They actually didn't do the puff And they did some other shit And then after my exam She was like Do you want to see your eye? And I was like I got that shit too They showed me like It's like a map of my eye Yeah and she's like look And then it was like fucking tony stark like building like a fucking car or something she was like look and it like turned it's like on the computer screen it like turned my eye all the way around like oh my god is my eye yeah i think i had the same thing it shows all of your like blood vessels and she's like your optic nerve is good yeah it shows it shows like how like light travels and they're like it looks good looks like a good eye i'm like i fucking hope so yeah these things ain't getting they're just there yeah i can't really can you get another eye i don't know i do not know i don't think i don't think so you could just like get it like let me get a different eye so i feel like they'd be doing that i don't know but i do know that you see everything upside down technically because it like the light comes through and like when it gets to like your optic nerve it's upside down and then your brain converts it into right side up or some shit like that whoa is that true i know fucking more about eyes than dr mike oh we haven't even confirmed that though fuck this guy i know i know eyes he knows fucking everything else hey dr mike you know about upside down sight No, you don't.

1:18:18Probably not. He's probably, because you wear glasses. The fuck do you know? The lens in your eye projects an upside-down image onto the back of your eye. However, your brain does not literally flip a picture back over. Instead, it processes the signals and maps them to your body. Well, I don't, the rest of the sentence is outrageous. Like, if you, you know how there are some glasses that if you wear, you can flip, like, your vision upside-down? No. Okay, well. What the fuck are you talking about? My point is those exist. and if you wear them long enough, eventually your brain will just be like, no, and fix it back.

1:18:51Huh. Fuck off. How long? You did it? No, but I'd have to ask Dr. Mike, but I'm like 40%. Your eyes play tricks on you. I bet Dr. Mike didn't know that. Technically, you always see your nose, but your eyes just get used to it and don't count it. Bro, you ever see one of those things and be like, these images are actually the same size and I'm like, no, they're not. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I do the thing where I'll look at them and I'll be like, oh. Or it's like, these are actually not getting smaller and bigger and i'm like they are well there's those ones where it's like it looks like a graphic is moving but it's like it's not moving at all the ones that fuck me up where it's like you can well these aren't the same size there's no possible there's the ones that fuck me up it's like if you look at this thing spinning you can trick your eyes into making it spin the other way yeah that one gets me because i'm just like no fucking or it's like look right here all the lines disappear and i'm like oh my god they're disappearing

1:19:45I mean those just look like the same size oh um I see this they actually don't that is kind of wild that's nothing perspective is so awesome you remember the museum of moving images yeah that was cool I liked that place a lot that was pretty cool that place I love like tricks not tricks uh uh what's that you hate pranks optical illusions yeah optical illusions are cool interesting maybe we'll have to set some up i went to halloween horror nights once and they had a beetlejuice house uh in the beginning of the beetlejuice house it's a giant room that's like the uh hypnosis black and white spinning yeah i know i know that and then it just spins and you have to walk straight i've been in one of those tunnels and it feels like you're spinning i know i was like fucking like i'm on a drawbridge or something not a drawbridge whatever the one One that I went to was at Lake Compounds, and it was like you walk over this metal-graded bridge, but it's like a tunnel of light spinning, and you feel like you're going with it.

1:20:46So people fucking drop to the ground. The other one that's really cool, I don't know how they did this, it's a room, it's like, not a room, but it's like a tunnel, but the way that they make the light reflect, it looks like the light is making the room get smaller, but the reality is the tunnel is still the same size. So once you get through, they have like a night vision camera and you could see the people walking and they're like people crawling because they think they're like getting closed into this room. But it's just a normal ass room. The brain. The brain is tricky, man. We've got fucking Dr.

1:21:22Mike doesn't know about that either. No shot. He knows about perception. He doesn't know his eyes. He's got glasses. We can't see. He can't see. He doesn't know. He knows maybe about like fucking like cyclospora, but he doesn't know fucking shit about illusions. Cyclospora. damn i feel like he might know yeah he probably does oh yeah he's way smarter than any of us combined yeah he's got information for sure um well that's all our uh we have for today thank you guys so much for uh riding with us until the end frank where can they find you the frank alvarez all over social media patreon.com slash the basement yard go check out the basement dot com slash submit if you're coming to any of the live shows and um yeah and and prisco on instagram and tiktok oh he's got a right he made a tiktok isn't that what you said you're gonna uh do thirst trap videos.

1:22:07That'd be awesome. I'm scrolling and you pop up and you're hitting a dance. I was on my other account. We should do a bet one day and that's the punishment. And then he needs to... You gotta learn a TikTok. Why just me? No, it's everybody. It would be on the bet. No, no, no. No, no, no. You, brother. What am I betting? So you asked us on an episode how many likes to get you to do an intro for the episode. Yeah. If in 30 days you don't get that many likes, that's what you have to do. You gave me... It was way too high. I don't think it was that high. All right, we'll see. Well, and you guys follow me at JoeSanagato.

1:22:36Go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram. And that is all. See you guys next time. Yay!