Are You Living a Life You’d Want to Be Remembered For?

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1:53One activity I did was to write out my own obituary, where there's some evidence that this is actually really helpful because you think to yourself, what would I want my obituary to say? Welcome back to the Essential Habits of High Performance. This is a show where we explore what separates the good from the truly great. Now let me start this episode with a question that might feel uncomfortable, but it's also incredibly powerful. What would you want your obituary to say? The story that captures who you were, what you stood for and how you'll be remembered. Now this isn't a trick question and it's not even intended to be a morbid one because the way you answer it tells us everything about how you're living right now.

2:41Today we'll explore that question through the story of Ali Abdel, a former doctor who's now one of the world's most followed productivity experts. Ali is someone who's built an extraordinary life for himself by constantly asking the question, am I in alignment? And his habit to achieve this, he's writing his own obituary every single year. Now, I know it might sound a little unusual, it might even sound a little bit dark to you, but stay with me. Because as you're going to hear, this really isn't about death at all. It's about how we live. It's about how we recharge our energy, avoid burnout and make sure that we're living a life on purpose.

3:25Hey I'm Damien Hughes, I'm an author, I'm an academic and I've spent over 25 years of my life practically studying what drives elite performance across business, sport and the arts. And here on Essential Habits we break down the mindsets, the routines and those tiny changes that can lead to big results for you. So let's look a little closer at the life of Ali Abdaal. Ali doesn't just teach productivity, he's actually rewritten the rules of it. He was a junior doctor in the NHS who left to build a business with millions of followers. He's constantly asked himself that question, is this the life I want to live?

4:10When he came into the high performance studio and sat opposite us, he was positively fizzing with energy. He was charismatic, he was funny, and he was packed full of ideas. But what he wanted to talk about wasn't success. It was burnout. Specifically, the kind of burnout that gradually just sneaks up on you. So part of overcoming depletion burnout is recognizing when are my energy levels going down? What are actually the things that replenish them? Yeah. Taking the dog for a walk, painting something, whatever the thing might be. And the final one is misalignment burnout. Now, this is the trickiest one because this is like a thing that creeps on us over time when the things that we are doing are not aligned with what actually lights us up and what feels meaningful to us.

4:55Think about that phrase, misalignment burnout. This isn't the burnout you get from staying up too late or cramming too many tasks into your diary. It's that deeper fatigue that comes from living a life that isn't really yours by doing work that doesn't match your values or chasing goals that don't matter to you. Ali put it starkly. If the thing that you're doing for work fundamentally is misaligned with what you actually want to be doing, then we're going to have a problem. And it's only a matter of time before you start feeling that sense of meaningless and purposeless because literally the thing that you're doing to you feels meaningless and purposeless.

5:33And isn't that the trap that so many of us fall into? We chase the bonus, we climb the ladder of success, we tick the boxes, and then one day we look up and wonder, how on earth did I get it? So how do we avoid making that mistake? Ali's answer surprised me, because he told us about an exercise he does every year. One activity I did was to write out my own obituary, where there's some evidence that this is actually really helpful, because you think to yourself, what would I want my obituary to say? Now, that might sound bleak, granted, but the effect is the opposite. Ali explained it by using a vivid metaphor.

6:13It's so easy for us to get so caught up in the day-to-day because it's like we're driving with the and all we can see is just like what's in front of us in the headlights and by doing that we can often end up in a place where we're like wait a minute how did I end up here? The obituary exercise forces you to zoom out it takes you from headlights to looking at the horizon and it echoes something which the leadership coach Daniel Harkavy once wrote in his book Living Forward. When we take the time to write our eulogies it produces this magnetic pull power that pushes us ahead. Our priorities and our vision for where we want to be become crystal clear.

6:54This clarity allows us to make the greatest decisions, break out of comfortable patterns and begin working towards a better future. In other words, if we start with the end in mind, then we can reverse engineer backwards. This was just as Ali told us. You know, we only have one life and all that. You know, I would really like to do whatever I can to help nudge my life trajectory to a direction that I actually want it to be. Now, Ali used this habit to spot when he was veering off course. and then it gave him permission to subtly change direction. Because when you know how you want to be remembered, it's easier to know what you should be prioritising today.

7:40So why are we learning about this? Here's where it gets fascinating. Science has got some compelling evidence to back it up. Psychologists call this exercise mortality salience, the awareness of our own death. and far from being depressing, it can actually spark energy and purpose and even more kindness in our lives. One study split participants into groups. Some were asked to reflect on their own death while others were asked to think about natural disasters or climate change. The results? Well, those who contemplated their own mortality were more likely to want to connect with bigger causes, cooperate with others and find meaning in whatever tasks they were doing.

8:27Jamie Arndt, who co-authored the study, explained, when people are made aware of their own mortality, they often seek to emphasize their belonging to something bigger and more durable than themselves. The psychologist Ken Vail also added, depending on whether people thought of local or global events, they either rallied around their immediate community or instead they expanded their sense of belonging to view it as humanity as a whole. But the effect of simply thinking about your own mortality shows up in your daily life too. People who reflect on death are more likely to quit smoking, exercise more or wear sunscreen.

9:07In another experiment, people that were asked to walk past the cemetery became more generous to strangers, but only if they'd been reminded about the importance of kindness. Mortality reminders even reduced frivolous spending. As the psychologist Jamie Arnn admitted, we were surprised by how much research showed positive outcomes from raising people's awareness of their mortality. So here's the paradox. Thinking about your death doesn't diminish your life. It actually seems to deepen your connection to it. And all that brings us back to Ali Abdel. Here's part of what he recently wrote. Ali Abdaal was one of the world's greatest teachers.

9:48He inspired and educated millions all around the world to build a life they truly love. He holistically combined disciplines from science to philosophy to create an integrated system of living themed around mind, body, heart and soul, which resonated with his loyal following of tens of millions of people all around the world. In his personal life, Ali exemplified and lived his philosophy. He was disarmingly intelligent, yet always humble and never made you feel less than. When you talked to him, you really felt like you were the most important person in the world, that he was relating to you in mind, heart and soul.

10:13At the same time, he didn't take himself too seriously. He knew his work could be heavy, but he approached it with a lightness and ease that made it accessible and that inspired people to believe they could change their lives too. Throughout all the success he had flying around the world sharing his message, Ali's priority was always his family. He remained closely connected to his wife, his children and his grandchildren up until the moment of his death. He died peacefully in their idyllic family home surrounded by loved ones. We all mourned him, but his message lives on inside all of us and inspires us to live an integrated, connected and productive life.

10:39When he finished reading that to us, he smiled and then he said something remarkable. This is what I wrote up for my obituary a month ago, and I do it every year. I'll just take a moment to notice what that does. It turns his obituary into almost like a compass for him, a reminder of the direction he wants to travel in. I don't consider that morbid. I consider that pretty motivating. So how do we apply this in our own lives? Well, here's three simple practices that you might consider adopting as an essential habit. The first one is, obviously, write your own obituary. Take 10 minutes to do it and draft the story that you'd love to be told about your life.

11:23What impact do you want to make? Who do you want to be remembered as? The second tip, reverse engineer backwards. If that's your legacy, what would need to happen in the next five years for that to be true? Or even the next 12 months? Or even, zoom in a little bit closer, what would you need to be doing over the next week? And then the third tip, check your energy levels. When do you feel most alive? When do you feel drained? Misalignment shows up first in your energy. So use that as a fairly accurate barometer. So let me ask you again, what do you want your obituary to say? Ali Abdel's habit shows us that high performance isn't about squeezing more hours into the day.

12:09It's about alignment. making sure that the work we do the people we serve and the way we want to spend our energy actually matches who we want to become because as we've seen many times on high performance it's not just about doing more it's about doing what we do really well remember what ali told us you know we only have one life and all that like you know i would really like to do whatever i can to help nudge my life trajectory to a direction that I actually want it to be. Write the story of your life as you'd want it to be told. Not as it is, but as you want it to be. And then take one step today that brings you a little bit closer to that version.

12:52Because when we live with the end in mind, we don't fear death. Instead, we embrace life. Now I'm going to be joined by our brilliant producer, Will. And we're going to have a listen to some of the other great lessons that Ali has shared with us, including lowering the bar, how a persona can help you perform, and the importance of taking what you do seriously rather than taking yourself so seriously.

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15:24Hello, Damo. Hey, Will. How are you, mate? I'm good, mate. I'm good. did you know Ali Abdel before he came on yes but I'll tell you where I'd heard of him that we we got invited to a book launch event from Penguin where they were announcing titles coming up and this was a year in advance of his book coming out I remember this Ali didn't show up but he sent a YouTube video that just gave me a headache because he was sort of like showing how our lives are so hectic and and frenetic but it was so fast paced and he spoke so quickly that I remember watching it thinking that guy is giving me a headache just trying to keep up with him so when he agreed to come on there's a little bit of hesitancy i was thinking this guy's such a brilliant brain i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to cope with this yeah well i mean i knew him for youtube actually yeah so i knew him as a youtuber but obviously he has this you know heritage in as a doctor and actually you know the purpose of his channel and what he was trying to do and trying to do good and represent something was really interesting.

16:24But the fast-pacedness of YouTube compared to real life, there was definitely a difference. I remember we booked him. It was a deliberate booking at the time of year we booked him. We booked him for January. And I'll ask you in a second if you remember the other guests around it. Because we deliberately booked him for people to help them kickstart their year, set their intentions, and start building great habits. So we booked people about who are the people that can help us do that. So Ali was one of them. Do you remember any of the others ben bergeron ben bergeron coached one of the best crossfitters in the world great episode yeah i did there's still one idea that i took from the ben bergeron which is just set your alarm clock 15 minutes earlier than you would do we should do an episode on ben bergeron we should put it on the list yeah it's a very simple thing oh it's on there i've got him on my list to write i'm working on the script yeah you are yeah uh and yeah it was ben bergeron exactly it was uh James Clear.

17:17Oh. And it was Ali. So you've got these three almost... Heavyweights. Heavyweights in their areas. So obviously, James, which we've obviously focused on high performance, was like this best-selling author of Atomic Habits. You probably can't get bigger in that world. Ben, who's this CrossFit coach, but just... You don't have to be a CrossFit. You don't have to be in CrossFit to like this. In fact, we barely didn't talk about CrossFit at all, but we should definitely talk about him. I love that episode. And Ali's a productivity expert. And it was the most successful month we've had in a very, very long time.

17:52I love that month. Because it was so packed with really practical insights. These weren't people giving you abstract ideas. Like as we've discussed here with Ali and his eulogy idea, just really simple concepts that any of us can implement. But all three of them, whether it was James, Ben or Ali, they were absolutely brimming with it. So if people are thinking, yeah, it could do with a little bit of a shot of inspiration, and get back to those three as a minimum. Timeless, timeless episodes. What should we dig into first with Ali, do you think? Well, let's talk about his appearance, and I mean it in a very specific way, his glasses.

18:30Because he looked really studious, didn't he? Almost very bookish when he came into the studio, and then he surprised us by revealing that he didn't need the glasses. In fact, there was nothing in the frames. Let me explain why. so essentially the the psychologists they got a bunch of kids together and they split them up into a few groups and they asked them all to work on this like solving this puzzle type thing and for some of the kids they were like you know just solve the puzzle for another group of kids they were like solve the puzzle but think about something fun while you're doing it but for the third group what they said was solve the puzzle but imagine you are your favorite cartoon character like dora the explorer or batman and they called the study the batman effect because they found that the kids who thought of themselves as their favorite cartoon characters they smashed it in their performance on the task they enjoyed it more they were more creative they're more productive all of the good things because they got out of their own heads and into this batman or dora the explorer alter ego and there have been so many athletes and and famous people throughout the years they've have done this so kobe bryant had his alter ego of the black mamba um beyonce had sasha fierce adele had an amalgamation of like sasha fierce and this country singer called someone Carter, it was Sasha Carter.

19:38In the early days of Adele's career, when she was struggling with stage fright, she would go out on stage and she would pretend that she is not Adele. She is, in fact, Sasha Carter, this like legendary country singer who's like amazingly, you know, confident and fearless. So the thing that I do for this and the way I kind of got over this doctor thing is a bit grandiose, but I imagine myself as young Charles Xavier from the X-Men series, like Professor X, because he's really cool. He like teaches people and he's just a nice guy all around and like oh you know i would like to be the guy that can teach people stuff and so these glasses are actually fake because i had laser eye surgery but when i put the glasses on that's like my thing of like i'm in that mode of being of being the teacher and it's not about me it's about trying to be of service to the audience when i'm in my normal mode you know i'm in that i'm in my head i'm in like i was worrying about what people think of me all the usual crap when i put the glasses on i'm like no my goal here is to teach and to try and help people as much as i can i remember that now actually i remember that was probably the bit that stuck out at the first the first time I listened to it was like the admission that the glasses were fake because he didn't actually have to admit that but it really does highlight even how some of the most successful people that you see like Adele, Beyonce these elite performers sometimes have to fake it by stepping into a role yeah, yeah, pretending you know like I've seen it where many years ago I wrote a book on a box called Marvin Hagler but he changed his name by deed poll to Marvelous Marvin Hagler and if he didn't know you, he wouldn't respond if you didn't call him Marvelous Marvin.

21:07Wow. Which, on the surface, you go, there's an ego there, there's something going on. But the reality was, that was how he saw himself in public. I'm Marvelous Marvin, this warrior that goes to battle and I want to have my due deference showed me. If it works, who are we to knock it? So did he need to be that person, to play that role and be called Marvelous Marvin all the time, to have it reinforced around all of his life for it to work. Yeah, although I think privately, like with friends and family and things like that, I don't think he was as strident about being called Marvellous Marvin. But in public, so when I met him, he was playing a public role of I'm here because you want to see the boxer, the fighter, the guy that you look up to.

21:53So I will only refer to myself as Marvellous Marvin. So in Ali's case, when he wears the glasses, it just gets him into a place where he has the, almost like the confidence and the ability to speak like a teacher and do what he does. And I find that, I kind of find it fascinating because when you have to do things like this, which don't come easy and you have to do podcasts and then you have the other side of it where you're more the behind the scenes side with all the books and all the coaching you do on the side, there is a difference in what role you have to play. Well, if people are listening to this and thinking, I'd like to explore a bit more of it.

22:34Go back and listen to the Essential Habits episodes we did where we featured Jason Fox, because we speak about the Batman effect there of how Jason learned to go, what would a commando do in this situation? So rather than what would Jason Fox do, he learned to get into a commando mindset that when he was out in the field, he was the ultimate commando. And the Batman effect is almost, it shows you the power of self-distancing. It gives you like a role, a persona to step into. that primes your identity. You know, similar to John Legend, who sat down with us and told us that he's actually called John Stevens.

23:09He just adopted the name Legend and then felt a desire to want to act up to that legendary status. Yeah. Those performance personas are a way to combat almost borrowing belief or a way to combat imposter syndrome. Again, another example from a brilliant guest we've had was Tyson Fury, where he said, Tyson Fury, I'm a flawed human. I'm a rubbish dad. Adam Bloke just doing his best to get by. The Gypsy King has never been beaten, never been wrong. He's invulnerable. And it's almost that identity that you take on for certain contacts. The danger is when those identities get mixed up. I was just about to ask you that.

23:45What is then the distinction between stepping out of one to the other, but they can merge almost into that? That Gypsy King role can affect the Tyson Fury role and you forget almost, where is my reality in that? Yeah, there's got to be a demarcation zone. where you step out of it. But that's for any of us, you know, like doing a job like this where we're in the studio, we're sort of trying to respond to in the moment stuff and then getting home and being a parent or a partner. There's a different role to play. You can't adopt the same mannerisms, the same behaviours that you would do with your kids.

24:17Your kids don't want that. Tyson had to ground himself by taking the bins out, going to the tip and just doing the mundane jobs to get out down from that high. I've heard musicians say the same. You've heard, you know, Matt Willis who was on the podcast for Busters. I almost, and like Robbie Williams, everyone like that. I don't recognize sometimes the person on the stage. Like it's almost a different person to how I am. Can I share another clip that really resonated with me that I really enjoyed Ali explaining the distinction because if you listen to the whole episode, there was real levity in it.

24:51It was really fun and engaging as a personality and he gave us a distinction that he holds true as to how you can still have fun while still making sure that your message is understood. Essentially, play happens when we are highly engaged with something, but also when the stakes are low. So this is the idea of kind of making it feel sincere rather than serious. This is something that the philosopher Alan Watts used to talk about. I love that phrase in your book. Go on. Explain more on that. So imagine you're playing, I don't know, a board game with friends or something. Like, no one wants to play with someone who takes it too seriously.

25:25It's a bit of a drain. They're like obsessed with the rules. it's like you know it just kind of sucks the fun out of it but you also don't want to play a board game with someone who's completely half-arsed because that's no fun either it's like they're like oh whatever it's just a game it's like no come on man like you know you you want someone who approaches a board game sincerely but not seriously and that is how we that is one of the ways we get this feeling of play in our work so whatever the work is whether you're doing a presentation or i don't know making a youtube video or in my case writing discharge letters as a doctor whatever the thing might be instead of thinking this is serious think this is sincere and I'm going to give my attention to this.

25:58I really like that because I think there's something about if you cash your mind back to when you're a kid at school and you think about the lessons where you learned most, I guarantee you were having a laugh in them. There was a bit of levity, it was a bit of fun, but you could relate it to the wider context of your life. And I think sometimes we can get too caught up in our own self-importance at times and then lose actually the essence of it, which is we should be having fun along the way with this. Oh man. I speak about it with the team who made high performance in the shows a lot as well.

26:33And it doesn't mean every day has got to be a merry-go-round. Every day is just a massive laugh. But I was like, the minute this doesn't become fun to do is the minute we're slightly in trouble. We have the privilege of sitting down and hearing from amazing people and that affects, rubs off on everyone who works on the show as much as the people hosting it and listening to it too. so you know we're sitting in a studio today in germany about to have a massive sports star come in that is nothing but an enjoyable experience and you have to do your work do your research be prepared know that you know this is important and i want to do it well but this is fun too yeah like you say the moment that it starts becoming too onerous or too serious i think anything starts to lose its impact so that distinction really resonated what about you So I'm conscious I've dominated this bit.

27:26But was there any bits that stood out for you? Yeah, there really was. There's one bit in it that he talks about lowering the bar. And actually, I've not heard too many people speak about this this way. You know, you really, something to remind yourself before you go in, in his case, to making a video or doing something that actually doesn't have to be the most important thing, the most life-changing thing in the world. remember again why you're there why you're doing it and don't set those expectations so high which i think actually goes against what a lot of people can think but listen to what ali says because it's it's fascinating to see how he uses that technique and what he does as a youtuber and a doctor it's kind of embarrassing but i actually have a list of a list of mantras or affirmations that i read out to myself before i film a video okay something that i've long struggled with where you know and i think anyone you know even if you're not a youtuber listening to this you can probably relate to this where you probably have some kind of work where you see on your calendar and you're like you know you get that feeling of oh god okay i i guess i've just got to do this you're probably going to get drained at the end of it and so i'm obsessed with trying to find any way possible to get rid of that kind of feeling around videos so when it comes when it comes to my little youtube videos the thing i tell myself is i am not concerned about the performance of this video all I'm trying to do is share a message that I think would be helpful to at least one person at least one person and this is an idea that I talk about towards the middle of the book around combating procrastination you know one of the big parts of why we procrastinate is because the thing that we're trying to do feels like a big deal it's like I really noticed this I don't know if you guys did as well with writing a book because a book is a big deal right like it feels like a big deal it feels like we're gonna get a publisher it's gonna be printed and there's something about a printed thing that makes it very different to a Google Doc.

29:15And so I'd procrastinate so much. And what we find if we look at the evidence around procrastination is that if you lower the bar, just make it easier on yourself. Approaching YouTube videos and approaching my work is about lowering the bar. It's about thinking, this video is not, I'm not aiming for this video to get a million views. I'm aiming for it to help at least one person. And that is something that's broadly under my control. I'm aiming to enjoy the process while I'm doing it. It's under my control. And I actually think this applies to literally anything. The more we raise the bar for ourselves, for some Olympic athletes yes raising the bar is how they get to high performance but if if we're not at that level yet and we are struggling with procrastination like we all do even Olympic athletes in some areas of their life they struggle with procrastination the more you're struggling the more you want to lower the bar just to make it super easy to get started there's three things that often cripple people's from performing at their potential one is the fear of consequences of getting it wrong some is that we don't focus enough on our abilities to be able to handle the situation.

30:10Well, the third one is when the weight of expectation is either too distant or too heavy. Because then if it's too distant, you know, well, what's the point? If it's too heavy, you go, I can't cope with this. Whereas when we just lower that bar, like Ali talks about and goes, I don't have to do one rep. I don't have to go into the gym and do 10 reps. Just do one. Or, you know, rather than go for a run if you feel exhausted, go for a walk at a really gentle pace. that's all simple examples of just lowering the bar being kinder to yourself yeah and what he said around like those are the things you are in control of like going into a podcast or a YouTube video or something going like this needs to hit a million views this has got to be the biggest thing we've done you can't control that part of it all you can control is just focusing on the things that you know you can do and that's what I took from that because you can have big guests that we speak to and loads of, you know, build up expectation, loads of hype, loads of like, but actually it's the same process as it was the week before.

31:14Doing the same thing, control what those things you can do and I think that's what I took from like lowering the bar. Doesn't mean I don't care, doesn't mean I don't want it to do well, but actually those are the things that I can focus on and control. I think that beautifully summarizes a lot of Ali's messaging in the wider episode, which these are all simple ideas that anyone can take away and implement. really quickly in their own lives and the benefits from it are huge. So thank you for listening to The Essential Habits of High Performance. If today's episode has resonated with you, would you consider sharing it with someone who might need the reminder that their work and their whole life can have an important meaning?

31:54Listen, I'm Damien Hughes, and until next time, live with alignment, begin with the end in mind, and keep writing your own high-performance story.

32:33We'll see you next time.

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