Bear Grylls: Building Resilience, My Scariest Moments & Quitting Man vs Wild (E325)

0:28Watch it early on the High Performance App. him, you know, like, just thank you. Just get used to the fact that fear is going to knock on your door. It is all about how you respond to it. That's the well-known voice of legendary adventurer Bear Grylls, a man who's faced life or death situations in the most extreme conditions on earth. But this conversation with me, Jay Comfrey, and our high-performance expert, Damien Hughes, moves away from the stuff that Bear normally talks about and much more towards his personal regrets, the industry challenges he's faced, and what his future looks like. I've never heard him talk like this, Damien.

1:04No, I mean, his take on faith and religion has been well documented recently, but what he shared with us was really revealing. And also what he told us about how long he thinks he's going to live for. Mate, honestly, my jaw's on the floor at that point. I must have told 20 people what he said about longevity. So stay listening for that. And also stay listening for a cameo from Bear Grylls' biggest fan. It might just be my own son, Sebastian. He was happy, wasn't he? Seb loved it. He was, but it was a lovely moment that's worth listening out for. Absolutely. And just to tell you that this does get very emotional in parts.

1:36And Bear, huge thanks for coming on and trusting us to have this conversation with you as we welcome Bear Grylls to High Performance.

1:49but bear you say there's an action hero inside every one of us if people haven't yet found their own action hero what's the first thing they should do to find out just how much power they do possess i think generally we all underestimate how capable we are how strong we are how resilient we are how creative we are how you know we're designed for success from the beginning of our lives and i think what often happens is that life comes along and beats the hell out of us and it dents our confidence and it you know it breaks a few bones physical and emotional along the way and you know the champions I suppose are life are those who can roll with that and get back up and go again and you know it's why I like this thing that the rewards so often in life don't go to the the or the smartest or the cleverest or the strongest.

2:41They go to the dogged and the determined. And so when I say that that's within us all, I like it because it's not a God given talent. It's not like, oh, you've got to be this or that, you know, super good looking or super clever. It's like within our ability to thrive in life, because it's heart and character and kind of dogged determination. And that isn't exclusive to just one type of person. It's in us all. But it is a muscle. And we all you know, you got to train it. And that's a often a daily thing, isn't it? Trying to keep that inner, never give up muscle strong. And I'm speaking to myself as well, because, you know, it's hard sometimes in life can, you know, when it does beat us down, it is difficult.

3:27and we're going to pick up a few scars along the way, but that's okay. What we thought we might do, if you're okay with this, is dive into a few areas that we believe you use to keep that muscle strong, to keep that never-give-up spirit alive. We'd like to start with your day, what your day looks like. You say you have to work on this stuff every day. So what is a morning routine like for you to equip you for whatever might lie ahead? Well, everyone has their thing, don't they? and you figure it out through trial and error and life. I think what I find interesting about this is that so many of these things we're about to talk about, people don't teach you as a kid.

4:07I mean, how I wish somebody had told me early on in life rather than going to a math class or a physics class or whatever class, go to a class of good morning hacks to set your day right and we figure it out by trial and error. Everyone will have their different things. But again, like with everything, picking the difficult one is so key. The lazy, easy one is just to get on your phone and bed, blue light scroll when that alarm goes off. And it's a lazy option and it's one that kicks a day off badly. And again, I know this from experience. You know, it's the easy option, but it's not the best option.

4:46And I do think the thing with positive habits is that if you do it long enough and consistently enough, they become you and suddenly then a day without positive habits feels weird so for me i try and resist that urge i like to get up i like cold water on the face uh brush my teeth in the morning uh get up and take the dogs out first thing i try and do it barefoot any time of year i mean if it's frost on the ground i can't do it barefoot but the rest of the year you know 350 days of the year barefoot even in the rain and the finder i don't know i like that connection with solid ground and the earth it sounds kind of weird but i think everything in life is is trying to in modern life is trying to disconnect us from nature and the reason i want to be connected with nature is it's where you know we've had thousands hundreds of thousands of years of evolution it's where we're empowered and strong and there's so much research actually on actually what happens to all of the neuro whatever's in your body when you're barefoot on the ground and so even if it's for 10 minutes I like that and even in London you know I get a few strange looks in the park but I'll go barefoot find some green and just walk around so being outside yeah being barefoot and uh and then I train in the morning I try and do my workouts in the morning I've you know my workouts aren't crazy I think as you get older you gotta you gotta kind of make sure you have time to recover.

6:10But I like the strength training more and more. So short and sharp, half an hour, kettlebells, pull-ups. I start my workout, have done for years exactly the same way. Which is what? 25 pull-ups, 50 press-ups, 75 squats, and 100 sit-ups. And it takes about 10 minutes, first 10 minutes done, then it's 20 minutes of the other stuff. But when I started doing it, I couldn't do like three pull-ups. You know, I was like, wow, this is hard. And now, I actually, I now use a weighted vest and I'm banging out the 25 pull-ups. And I figure I'd just keep doing it. And if I keep doing it, I'll be 95, God willing, still able to do it.

6:51So I like that type of training. And then I try and get cold. You know, and if it's, if you're busy, it's just a cold shower. You know, we have the sea and rivers near where we live in in north wales and stuff so i can i can jump in what does that cold do for you i don't know i kind of you know i know it's a very everyone talks about cold water nowadays you know the only thing that puts me off doing it is that everyone's now doing it but i've done this for years long before it was you know so fashionable but i don't know again instinctively i feel this is good it's like a hard defrag reset of my hard drive you know it's shocked at the system it never forget what I like about cold water is it never gets easier.

7:34You can't hide. And it's hard. Again, you don't have to kick the proverbial out of it. But I think even a minute of a cold shower just fires up the system. And again, like with barefoot, there's so much research now of how good that is for you. So that's it. And I can do that in as quick as half an hour or 45 minutes, that whole routine. And then I'm set for the day. The only other element of that that I do before the workout is a little stretch and a little pray and I combine it together I get down on my knees and and say my prayers for the day and they're never long or complicated or religious but it's just to say I need help today sorry for the mess ups yesterday thank you for the many blessings here we go and what does that do for you um I don't know I think I think we figure out the arsenals in our life that help us to be strong.

8:29And I think we're so much more than physical. We're mental, we're emotional, we're spiritual. I try and do what I can to keep those in balance in my life. You know, so if I'm going to train physically in the morning, you know, I think the cold water is emotional strength. So that's that one done. You know, that inner never give up, do the difficult muscle. And then the spirituality, we're all spiritual. I mean, faith means many different things to different people, but I'm not one of these people who just discounts it all and say says I need no spiritual element to my life I'm not that um I'm not that person I need it for me it's a backbone again connection hitching my wagon to something bigger stronger better than me and my Christian faith has been like a backbone through through many struggles battles high points low points and I try and make it something that's not just there in a crisis.

9:25You know, it's just part of my day. As it has been actually with our family, especially when they're little, when they went to bed, the boys say a short little prayer, 10 seconds over them before they go to sleep. What a way to end a day as much for me as a parent as for them as a child.

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11:30You see, we don't feel we talk often enough about faith, actually, on high performance. And it doesn't have to be about religion or being religious. It's about having faith or belief and understanding that there's a higher power. The quote that I texted you earlier that I love is, fear knocked on the door, faith answered, there was nobody there. Yeah. I think there's such power in that. What does faith do for you in those difficult moments? Well, I think, you know, there's that thing, faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in the Almighty. You know, however you take it, you need it. It's the inner steel, isn't it?

12:07I like that quote, you know, that fear knocks on the door because for all of us, you know, whatever field of life and endeavor and career and battles that we're facing, you know, I mean, mine happens to be physical kind of, you know, adventures, but everyone gets that thing of the jungles of life. You don't have to be in a physical jungle. Most of us in life, if you're going for things, you're in a jungle. You're up a high mountain metaphorically, you know. So I think you want to be equipped and you're going to get scary things, fear is going to knock on the door and all of life really is how do you respond to that knocking you know every day if you're in the fight you're going to face difficult things you can't the only way to avoid that is like do nothing and even then when you do nothing then people get scared of nothing i mean how often do we see that with people yeah so fear is part of everybody's life if you meet someone who says they're not scared we don't believe them you know Can you give us an example of the last time or the most vivid time when you faced fear and been able to respond?

13:12Well, the vivid stuff is easy. You know, it's the headline stuff for me of like, you know, big mountains and freefall accidents and that sort of stuff. But the more interesting fears are the daily, everyday ones. You know, coming up here to do a few days of press for Netflix for our kind of new show. For me, it's a scary place. I struggle with that. I have many fears of everyday life, just not the super glamorous kind of like high octane heights and snakes. It's the everyday things. Just because I find as I get older, the fear grows for life. But I've also learned that that's okay. Just get used to the fact that fear is going to knock on your door.

13:57It is all about how you respond to it. And I've just learned over the years, the way to deal with fear is open that door and look at square in the eye. Don't do what most people do, which is deny it's knocking and hide behind the sofa, which is what we do. We're scared of public speaking. So avoid it at all costs. Or we're scared of hospitals and never go near it. Or, you know, the only way I've learned in life, deal with fear, you've got to open that door, you've got to eyeball it and you've got to walk through it and then you realize there was no one there in the first place. And I think it's, if you do that long enough and you do it regularly enough, then you learn how to master fear.

14:36And it's why I like the little things like the cold water because it's, you know, anything that's difficult and you don't want to do, but you face it and you do it. It's the inner muscles of life that if we can develop those, that's how we learn ninja high performance power. Was there ever a time where you did have a fear about talking about your faith? I still do. I really still do. I think faith to be real has to be personal. A struggle, awkward, hard to articulate. I mean, it's like trying to describe someone eating really good ice cream. Try and describe eating ice cream. It's like, oh, it's well, it's epic, but it's like, you know, it's like field grain.

15:19You know, it's all swimming. You know, you jump in, it feels amazing. It helps me float and stay upright. You know, kind of face like that. It's hard to describe until you're in it, until you embrace it. So for me, I don't know, it's hard to articulate. It doesn't feel very religious. And what I mean by that is that it's not confined to a church or a building. You know, church and truth is community, friendships, honest relationships, and having the strength to kneel before the Almighty. I mean, it's that quote, man is never taller than when he kneels down. And I kind of like that. You know, there's a strength in the humility to do that.

16:01So, you know, you've retraced the steps that Jesus Christ took on the land that he walked on. Well, that was a super emotional, spiritual journey for me. It's something I wanted to do. It was outside of our normal TV shows where, you know, our years are busy with Running Wild and with Bear Hunt, this Netflix show we got out and all these things. But this is something I wanted to do just for me, you know, for my heart and always wanted to go to Israel, see what it's actually like. I wanted to walk where he walked, where Christ walked. I wanted to find out what it was really like away from the kind of sanitized version of Jesus that we often, you know, think of nativity plays.

16:43I wanted to actually know what was, you know I did learn I learned what the manger was really like which was basically a bloodbath of an abattoir of slaughtering lambs on the way to pass over Jerusalem you know this guy was born as and became a refugee and a you know it's like I mean the reality of his life was hardcore you know 40 days in the desert you name it I wanted to find out why did everyday people love him just wanted to be close to him and why did the religious elite fear him so much so it was a personal project. It's called Refugee Renegade Redeemer. I took a motorbike, a tent, a paraglider, and a small team, a camera team, and we just went and followed his journey and told the story.

17:25And what did you learn why people loved him? I think because he was love personified. And that's what I mean when I say faith for me isn't religious. You know, they were in a very highly religious culture, where it was all about outward performance, outward prayers, outward appearance. And he came and just affirmed and loved and never judged and healed and touched and blessed. You know, the outcasts. I mean, we're used to hearing these words now, but it was radical at the time. You know, that who's, you know, love your neighbor, love your enemy. God loves you. God's going to forgive you. I'm going to come and die for you.

18:07You know, these are like, we hear them because it's so much part of our culture, but it was radical. And I don't know, I just want to kind of explore why did they, what was it about? I think, I mean, you know, I haven't summed it up well. It was much more than that. I don't know what, I don't know. You kind of touch it when you feel faith yourself. There's an element of like, why do I want to start the day? Why do I want to be, why do I want to kneel down in the morning? It's like hard to describe, but I think it's back to ice cream and swimming. can i ask you about you that like you made reference to the prayers that you say in the morning and it seemed that you're asking for forgiveness for mistakes that you've made why is that important well i think we live in a world where everyone's very scared to ever admit to anything wrong everyone's trying to be perfect everyone everyone's heart is flawed everyone falls down everyone fails everyone says an unkind thing you know i mean i watched someone an interview the other day and they said, have you got any regrets?

19:07And the guy went, no, no regrets. And I'm thinking, I'm not sure I could say that, you know, I'm not sure I could say that. I regret many things, many unkind things I've done or words or things you haven't done. You know, I mean, we live, we're broken, aren't we? You know, we do our best, but we fail every day. And I think what a great way to be able to start the day to acknowledge that and to have that slate wiped clean by a gift of God and to start afresh with a clean heart. I don't know, you can never underestimate the power, the transformational power of forgiveness in people's lives when people receive forgiveness.

19:48You know, it's a beautiful thing. Look at the way I learned on this journey of Jesus to Israel. When he forgave people, it changed their life. And I think nothing's changed 2 ,000 years later. I mean, so much of mankind, you look at the world, it's this quest to try and earn forgiveness. You know, if you trek to here or if you do that or you climb that mountain or if you sacrifice this, and it's like the great truth of Christ is that it's a gift. So when somebody gives you a gift, I always like to say thank you. That's why. I love that. And you can't do what you do and live the life you live without putting yourself out there, which at times can bring criticism.

20:34How much does faith help you through those difficult moments? Criticism is part of life. You know, if you want to avoid criticism, do nothing. You know, if you want to have an influence, a positive influence, you know, if you're going to be out there, you're going to be in the fight, the battles that we talked about at the beginning, you're going to get criticism because we can't always get it right and we fail. You know, so it doesn't make it easy. I'm not one of these people who goes, oh you've got to have broad shoulders and just shrug it off. I know that's what you're meant to say but I struggle with it and I think when it comes it can be really hurtful actually.

21:08Learning not to take it personally and to take it as a marker that actually you're probably doing something right and I always remember that quote that says nobody ever raised a statue to a critic. You know the statues go up to the Winston Churchill's or whoever we see the statues useful you know the guys who actually really doing stuff yeah and it's not the people who said but hold on but you once said this or you once did that or you screwed up that or in hindsight that was a mess you know all of our heroes through history you know nobody's nobody's perfect that's that's why so i try and see it like that try and not take it personally and try and value the you know what is it they say don't seek the affirmation of people you wouldn't what is it criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from.

21:55There you go. There you go. Don't say it again. Don't take... Don't take criticism from somebody you wouldn't ask for advice from. It's a beautiful quote, and it's so true, and I kind of know that one in my heart. It's like, that's smart. I will take it from my kids. I will take it and listen to it from my wife. I will take it and listen to it from those who know the real, what happened in this situation, or our team around us, because we all have to listen to hard words sometimes, but I'm not going to take from people I wouldn't take advice from in life. Can you give us an example then, Bear, of where somebody that is in your inner circle, whether it's your children or your wife or someone that you're particularly close to, has given you feedback that has resonated, that has led to a change in behaviour?

22:40Gosh, probably a long list. You know, I don't know. I think sometimes when we mess up, my instinct is to be defensive and try and justify, of which generally you can legitimately justify a varying percent of that so-called error. And when it hovers around 50%, you kind of get quite defensively going, but hold on, what about this? And I think what I've learned is like, if there's a mess up, whether it's 10%, 50 % or 100%, there's a power to kind of owning it and going, sorry, and I'll try and do better. I'm not going to drag up 100 mistakes of mine over the years to try and learn from them and move on.

23:21But yeah, my family generally, I mean, I think I'm celebrating 25-year anniversary tomorrow with Shara. And somebody asked me yesterday, said, what have you learned over that time? And it's a sort of non-flippant, genuine reply is that she's almost always right. In fact, I got her a present. She hasn't opened it yet, but it's two mugs. One says Mr. Right, which is me. And then one says Mrs. Always Right, which is, and that's right. she's got a beautiful sort of instinctive sort of um feel for for things and and i try and listen to her um more and more and trust her i'd love to talk about family because i think one thing that a lot of people struggle with these days is balance how you manage to get the balance right and i'd love to know what you've learned about this over the years bearing in mind that one of your sons is in the room listening to this conversation so he can call us out for any uh Yeah, for sure.

24:12Any untruth. First of all, lovely having Jesse here. Jesse's our eldest. We've got three boys. Jesse's 21. Better, smarter man than I'll ever be. Beautiful artist. Helps me with a lot of our production work as well. And yeah, that's a great... You're amazing. Hey, Jesse, one word to sum up. Your dad's parenting. Kind. Gosh, that's a kind answer. thank you and a forgiving answer that could have been it could have been yeah he's sweet but I don't know I think all of us seek balance in our life um but it's hard because you know if you're out there you're working you're breadwinning and and you're doing your best you're hustling often we're on the back foot you know you've got to dig deep you've got to work hard you've got to do the favors when the boss asks you've got to go the extra mile and the first thing that often suffers is our home life.

25:10And I've definitely been on the wrong end of that in the early years of our TV shows where I was just away all the time. Shara and me were just starting a family, young kids. And it's like, we didn't own the shows. We had no control over it. We weren't so brilliantly paid. It was like, you're just got to go and you've got to work hard. And it's like, I kept thinking, everyone else is winning in this equation. Nobody else is risking their life. Everyone else is earning the big bucks and nobody else is away as much as I am. with some to double tag crew so everyone's getting a rest you know and i kind of thought hold on that's work but my family is suffering and and the thing is nobody at work will ever go look out for you they won't look out for you you've got to do that yourself and i realized that i've got to take hold of this and i had to take a few risks had to be prepared to lose some stuff had to wrestle to get control and start to make our own shows give us an example of a risk and a loss that you had to suffer?

26:04The classic one for me was at the end of the Man vs. Wild journey. First TV show I did, done seven seasons of that, like 70 odd episodes, launched my career. It was like a million miles an hour. We had minimum sort of health and safety in those early days. Seat of our pants, almost died a hundred times. You know, crew would come in and they'd go, this is epic, but you're going to be dead in two years time. And it was like, hold on, We've got to figure this out. And my gut kept saying, after about four years, four seasons, I've got to change this model. I've got to, you know, I've got to get more, I've got to make this work better, I've got to be smarter.

26:41But it was hard. I had no control. I couldn't quit, you know. And Discovery were like, no, you're contracted. You've got to keep going. And so we rode out for another three years. And at the end of seven seasons, I said, I'm done. and Discovery always used to joke I was the only one of the hosts every year who'd come in and try and get out of the next season. Everyone else was like, give us another season. I was like, always like, this has been epic, it's been a privilege, but we're done. And they would go, we're not done. And I did it, I saw that contract out and then at the end didn't want to re-sign with them, a bit of a battle.

27:16But I sort of said, no, I want to do it differently. I want to make our own show. It had to be a different show because we don't own Man vs. Wild. And that's how we launched Running Wild and we went to NBC. We got a break. Even all my agents at the time were going, you're crazy, you know. Network TV will spit you out one little dip and you'll be dead and then you won't work again. And it was like risk, you know. And it's like you got the steady job, but you don't have control there and your family's suffering. Or do you take a risk? And, you know, everyone has their own path. And I'm not saying everyone has to do this, but I chose to kind of face down the devil, look him in the square of the eye.

27:54Fear, doubt, was there much of that? It was super hard, yeah. We had a proper battle, and it ended up a legal kind of battle. And in the end, they were gracious, and I got free, and we started on our own. And really, that's when the real journey began, because now we could own it, we could produce it, we had control of the creativity of the show. And on the back of that, we then started to do the Amazon stuff and the Netflix and the You Versa Wild and Running Wild and World's Toughest Race and all these other shows. but we did it now on our own term and what I learned is that prioritize the family first that's why I went through that battle you know it wasn't just about being able to own the shows and earn better it was it was really at heart about I didn't want to be told that no you're missing that nativity play you're missing that sports day because you're filming and it's not non-negotiable you've got to go.

28:49And I started to put the family first. And remember, I came from a culture where, you know, beforehand, as a soldier, if somebody asks a favor, you go the extra mile. And suddenly in TV, every producer was asked a favor. Oh, just come and do this one extra thing, one extra bit of press. And it was like, okay, okay, okay, another favor. And then you realize that nobody really cares about you. It's their job. Then they've left next year anyways, they're off gone. and you realize nobody's got your back. You've got to have your own back. You've got to protect your family. So family first became the mantra.

29:23I was then around for the boys from that young age onwards and it's a one decision I'm so proud of. It's like, you know, we could have been X percent more successful or more this or more that, but I chose the family and the fruit is like, you know, the fruit is in the quality, the relationships now and the boys are beautiful and Sharon and me kind of just, you know, hanging on in there, 25 strong, still going. Your boy still wants to be with you. I mean, that in itself is a testament, right? Well, you know what? It's the only wealth in our life. It's like, I'm not saying all families are sort of perfect.

29:59We have definitely many battles and we have just as many fights as any other family. But I think just our wealth in life can be measured in the quality of our relationships. And it doesn't have to be sort of familial relationship. It doesn't have to be spouse. you know it's like that's a real success isn't it i mean if you're a billionaire and your death bed and your family and your friends will hate you can you really say that's successful so can you tell us a little bit about how you how you got that balance of raising your children to be independent and to be resourceful and resilient while also still wanting to spend time with you to have those connections yeah yeah again you know i'm really mindful of not approaching this conversation from a place of success.

30:43You know, this, I don't want to sort of create the model that I've got it right, because I failed a lot along the way. Most of these lessons I've learned by failing, failing as a, as a father and as a husband many, many times, you know. But I do think you can sum up parenting in three words. Example, example, example. That means being able to be honest about the times you mess up, all of that. But I think it's a key, isn't it? try to live your life and kids pick up on how you live you know same with our spouse and wife husband relationships you know it's it's a little stuff the little stuff is a big stuff and being willing to be honest when you fail but just prioritizing family I do think that speaks volumes in our life you know as a as a wife and a husband if they know that they are more important than your job you know your kids know that actually you know what you sacrifice a lot you you're here and you're engaged and you're there for them.

31:42You know, like it's unspoken chips, emotional chips into that bank account that is unquantifiable. And I'm not saying we can always do that because work is demanding and sometimes you've got to go, you know. And I've definitely been in that. Sometimes I haven't been there and you've just got to go. I've got to, you know, I will lose my job if I don't go. Sometimes you have to go. And I think there's always that line and all of us generally are hearts no. where that line is between work and family. But what I learned is just try and shift the line a little bit so you're not always, otherwise you're always doing people a favor at work.

32:20And then you look backwards and you realize, hold on, I'm the wrong side of the line too often. But if you shift the line, you know, left a little bit, then when you look back, it's like sometimes you have to foray into that work side. You just have to go there. but generally you're prioritizing family first and in terms of heart and happiness and longevity and and success and relationships in life it's the key you know nobody wants to just go how many deals they've done at the end of their life you know these the good relationships don't happen by accident that's the other thing you know it doesn't matter again it doesn't matter whether it's kids or family or friends you know being a great friend is a beautiful thing but generally good relationships don't happen by accident.

33:06I mean, it can't be easy to be married to Bear Grylls, right? I mean... I think Shara would probably second that. Lots of travel, but even just everywhere you go, people want to speak to you, you know. What have you learned from Shara that is the reason why you're able to sit here today? Like, take it all with a bucket of salt. Not just a pinch of salt. Take it with a bucket of salt. Your identity is not the illusion that TV creates somebody to be. You know, my life is not like the TV show, you know, where all the bad bits of the trip-overs are cut out and there's thumping music playing to every step you take and beautifully lit and everything's heroic and great, you know.

33:47That is not real life, you know. And Shara is beautifully grounded. She never is interested in fame or kind of... I mean, my sister, who I'm really close to, older, wonderful, but she always goes, your career is kind of wasted on you because you don't make use of any. You're never going to these parties or these premieres or whatever. You know, it's like, but I don't mind that. I like work hard when I'm working, when the boys growing up, when they were at school, I would go away filming. And then when it was half terms or weekends or holidays, I'd try and take as much time off as I can to be with them.

34:23And I'll get back and you just prioritize again. you know work and then family and and a few good friends probably got the same five or six best friends i've had from when i was a kid through the military through expeditions through tv stuff and i love that i don't need a lot more than that to be honest so she is not motivated by the the music glamour side of it she's interested in what we have back home together and you made that comment that you've got that mug for her that miss is always right um is there one piece of advice or a bit of wisdom that she's passed on to you that you feel still resonates through the years well it's funny shara actually wrote a book on marriage years ago called um never stop holding hands and it was just a small book she'd just done really well consistently over the years and it was little one-liners about what makes a good marriage and it was everything from never stop holding hands you know little kind of bit and it was advice from people in our world that we know be married for ages what advice would they give and always i like that one um and then there were more the pithy ones like you know hug and squeeze her daily and when the daily won't go along with it try the au pair but i don't know all sorts of fun things but i don't know what best advice i mean shahra will speak much better than this i don't know i got lucky i think is the truth.

35:49I married somebody who's got a beautiful heart and kind. And I think when you get married often, you don't really know. I mean, I was definitely like that. We were young. She was like, she is beautiful. And I was thinking, wow, she's amazing. We've got to get married. There wasn't much thought, more thought than that. We were like 23 when I proposed. And I got lucky. I think, what do they say? Marriage is half marrying the right person and then half being the right person. And that's why I think you can never get complacent with marriage. And when marriages don't work out, it's not always your fault.

36:25You know, it's half the bargain. You try to be the right person for them. But I think a lot of luck involved. And I think I got lucky. So I do think that's a big part of it. Same in my career. You know, there hasn't been any magic thing. I think a significant part of my work is that I got really lucky. And I don't underestimate that or say it kind of, you know, pithily. I actually mean it. And I'm pleased you say it, because I think people don't talk about luck often enough, because it kind of takes away their power. It stops us believing that they've done it themselves. Well, it makes it about something other than you, which is like the reality.

37:00Exactly. I remember we had Arnold Schwarzenegger on High Performance, and he said, never call me a self-made man. Because how can I be a self-made man with the thousands of people that have lifted me up to where I am today? And that is, it's a beautiful way of looking at it, because it's the shoulders of giants. giants and I you know I feel that so much in my life you know we stand on the shoulders of giants we all have giants in different ways it might be our parents when we were growing up you know for me my late dad was a real inspiration I look back what a giant he was to me you know giants I you know the first ever tv producer that gave me a break and and employed me and three times I said no because I didn't know anything about tv and he was going no no it's going to work out you know and I kind of hardly ever seen him again.

37:44He is a giant in my life, an unsung giant. And we all have them. So I think you're right to acknowledge that. But there is another element of luck, which is you've also got to be resilient enough to hang around and still be in the fight when the luck comes. Because luck doesn't always just come boom right off the bat at the beginning. You can't depend on luck. Sometimes you've got to be as dogged and determined and a tougher, you know, to hang on in there long enough. The luck will eventually come. And I kind of like that because that puts it back on us. It's like when you're going through the hard time, hold on.

38:22You know, the breaks will come. And that's why the breaks come to the resilient because it's like, you know, it's dark as hour before the dawn. It's that same sentiment. Can we talk about the power and the importance of resilience? I remember you and I shared a stage a little while ago and you said something that stuck with me. You said, I've seen resilient people outperform talented people by 100 to 1. Well, always. I mean, it's like, you know, it's a great key to life. But it's the opposite of what school teaches young people. I mean, school celebrates the kind of naturally sporty or naturally clever or naturally good-looking, they become the heroes, you know.

39:02But that's not how life is, you know. Those are kind of just God-given talents that some people have more of, some people have less. And we think because those people win all the trophies and the cups and come first and get the A's, we think that's the key for life. But how often in our world do we see the people that we were at school with, who were the superstars at school, a disaster often in life? Because it's all come too easy. It came the natural stuff, the currency of life. Life doesn't care if you're quite good at sport or quite clever or quite good looking, holds no currency in everyday life.

39:39The currency of everyday life is that inner muscle, that resilience. And that's why when I see this guy struggling at school who's like not getting picked for the team, not getting the A's, but you know what? He turns up, he's got a smile on his face, he tries even harder, still might not win, be still there the next day, tries again. You know, that little kid is developing the one thing that matters in life, which is like his inner muscle is getting strong. I mean, his bicep is not the outer muscle, it's the inner. He keeps trying, doing his best. It's that beautiful scout motto, do your best.

40:13It's not be the best. We can't all be the best, but we can do our best. And those are the people when they leave school and the runway, they're airborne. You know, they're not weighed down by a whole bunch of tin cups that mean nothing from winning a sports day. that they're actually super strong inside and they're ready for life because sure as hell the one thing that's going to happen when you leave school or leave university as many of your listeners never tougher the one thing you can guarantee is going to happen is that life's going to beat the hell out of you and you're going to get rejected you're going to get knocked down everything you thought was one way is going to be another way and your confidence is going to dip and it's like now we're going to see what you're really made of.

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43:06Can you share with us some techniques on how we can develop that resilience? Fail and don't be scared of it and fail again. If you take risks and you do your best and you don't succeed, that is not a failure. If you take risks, do your best and don't succeed, that is not a failure. It's a stepping stone. And how do we get more resilient? We go for these things, we take risks, we do our best and we get knocked down and you get back up. It's literally like the gym. It's like doing your reps on your bicep. How do you get strong biceps? you break it down, you beat the hell out of it, and then you rest, you recover, and you go again more.

43:47And it's the same with us in life. And there is no such thing as the overnight success. You know, any business, any sports star, any movie star, Jake, you guys, both of you, you've interviewed 100 people. Same story. Nobody hits it straight off the bat. It's like 17th failure, and then they got it 18th time. So therefore, how do we develop it? We'd be willing to get out there, look vulnerable, fail, go for it, do your best, get knocked down, treat it as a training exercise and go again. How many points, what percentage of points in his career do you think Roger Federer won? He won 80 % of his matches, but he won something like 52 % of his points.

44:27And it's like, there you go. It's like, you know. He had to learn to lose. He had to learn to lose. Successful people fail more than anybody else. And Roger, you know, he's one of our running wild guests and a good buddy now. He said, do you know what the school was? My first ever sort of pro match as a teenager when I went. He said, I felt I was kind of, I felt I was good. I thought I had something. I got it. First match, six love, six love against me. You know, most of us be like, maybe wrong profession, you know? And he's the first to say it's like, it's not just natural talent, of which he's got a lot, but it's a lot of talented tennis players out there.

45:06I'd like to talk to you about ambition. You're now 50 years old. How ambitious are you? Well, I'm not 50. I'm 25%. That's how I see it. Yeah, I've stopped counting years. I'm now working percentages. And I'm also bargaining by the time, you know, I say 25 % because I'm pretty sure in the next 30 years, we're going to certainly be able to live to 200. Do you really think that? I do think that, yeah. I think the speed of AI and stem cell this and stem cell that. So I'm at 25 % and I'm ready to recharge as well along the way. You know, life is a gift. You got it. And I don't think you're joking, but I think you are serious that you feel like you're 25 % and you've got an awful lot more ahead of you than behind you.

45:48Oh, you're just getting going. In fact, I actually don't feel I've started. I really feel that. It's like, wow, we've done the hard bit in a way, which is kind of build the platform and kind of get out there and learn some of these lessons. You know, because everything we have talked about today, none of it was taught, is taught. to anyone at school. So it's like, I feel it's taken me 25 % of my life to figure out the lessons of life. And now we've figured it out. Now we're kind of ready to get going. It's like, think how much all of us in our life can achieve if you're kind of willing to put it on the line, do your best, smile, learn these kind of key hacks for the morning routine, do all of these things, go for it, do your best, fail and go again.

46:31You know, it's like there's so much we can do. So, you know my ambitions aren't sort of limited to just kind of work stuff you know i think the relational stuff is still in is like super centered for me you know many adventures still to be done i'd love to do a lot of these adventures without the tv cameras to be honest i think it's one element of my life i probably enjoy the least to see being on camera but i love the adventure and i love the friendships and the team we're with so i do hold aspirations over the years to do more and more adventures. Don't you love the on-camera stuff? I get really self-conscious.

47:07I really do. I hate, I mean, look at all of these cameras and suddenly it's like, I really don't like it. You know, and it's taken me a while to sort of be honest about that. I really struggle with it and it knocks, it dents my confidence, start to doubt myself. I never watch any of our TV shows back now. I just, I just, I don't know. But I've learned, I just forget about them. You know, and when we're filming, the crew know that. that nobody's ever going action or anything like that. It's just like we'll quietly turn them on and we'll hold it low and we'll just start walking. And I've learned to try and blank it out.

47:42I've learned how to do my job. But I don't really enjoy that part of it. Where does your ambition and drive come from? I think from that time when I was in the military and I had my parachuting accident, broke my back in three places, spent months in military rehabilitation, and was aware that I should have been paralyzed. And I felt like life has given me a second chance. I shouldn't be here, and I should be unable to walk. But by the grace of God, somehow it would be a long road, but I'll get stronger and I can rehab, and I'm not paralyzed, but I'm going to live life with eyes wide open, a heart full of gratitude, a never-give-up spirit.

48:25I've got no problem in failing because everything's a gift. I'm just going to get out there. and even the failure, the fact that I can be in a fight. I mean, that is just a gift. I don't mind if I come second or lose. It's like, it's a gift. I'm going to live with all in. And the irony is I kind of stumbled upon the key to so much of winning. It's just being all in and willing to go for things. So it's become, like we said earlier on, if you do some of these things long enough, it becomes you. It's just become the way I try and live. and whatever the goal or whatever the target, I try and tackle it with that attitude.

49:04I always remember as a kid just hearing somewhere somebody saying tentative is no power. And I kind of, I've just written that one in my heart over the years, tentative is no power. Explain more on that. Well, if you're kind of half-hearted, I think I'm going to go for that, I might go for that, or it suddenly got a bit hard, it suddenly got a bit of the storms kind of hard, do I really want it? It's like, you know, your power drains from you. When the guy who's just like lasers, like, come on, you know, bring it. There is a pass. It's like a rugby tackle, isn't it? Like when you're nervous about getting injured, that's when you get injured.

49:42But when someone's all in like, they never get injured. You know, well, maybe that's not quite true. You get the spirit. There's a tentative, there's no power. You go for things and somehow the universe rewards it. It might not come straight away, but it will come eventually. I mean, you've got Seb here, your son, who's, by the way, taken a day off school to be here. Legend. Come on, come on, come on. Because high-performance guys should get to meet... Come on in here, come on. You sit in the chair. You sit in the chair. Should get to meet the guy, you know, a key part of his life. I mean, it must be a weird feeling for you to think that actually the thing that he values most in his life, beyond all of this stuff is is you and that's a great power and he loves you very much and he's very proud of you good for you have you got a question for bear yeah um what made you like adventuring i think um it's a really good question i think the honest answer is the only thing i was ever any good at and even now i wasn't that good at it but i found something i really loved loved being in the outdoors love being with good friends I love kind of I don't know even like I like this I like I like sitting with good friends around a campfire sort of chatting about normal stuff and I know so I always tried to make adventure I wanted to make adventure my life in some way and my dad was a he was a Royal Marines Commando and a super cool guy he used to take me on lots of mini adventures like your dad does.

51:18And I thought, I'm going to find a way somehow to make it my work. And I've been, like I said, super lucky. Well done. We'll let Bear jump back in the seat. Well done, Seb. That was brilliant. I kind of, especially as a dad now, one thing I miss is like, he would love our boys. My dad was like, he gets all of this stuff we've talked about. He was always like, you don't have to win at school. effort I'm looking at the effort grade not the actual grade was all about finding what you love and and being kind along the way and never giving up and I never really gosh I get emotional thinking about and I never really said thank you to him you know like just thank you for what for getting those values right you know and I see so many kind of parents put so much pressure on their kids you gotta be the best you gotta comfort you know it's like he was never that he was a really cozy dad he always put the family first before other stuff and i kind of never got to say thank you enough i never got to say goodbye and i know he would love a boy so those are the yeah those are the pain but you know what all the great stories you always feel everything's five minutes too early you know you're left five minutes too early and it's like i feel ill-equipped i don't feel ready for life but actually sometimes that vulnerability is a key because it also it's like here we go yeah and many ways for your dad to leave and for you not to have said those things is a tragedy but then i think as we've spoken about just now everything in life is equipping you for what's ahead and the lesson for you i'm sure is that with your boys nothing left unsaid right nothing left unsaid and and also he my dad did know you know it's like comes this conversation comes back to faith you know faith is real my dad and and anyone else who's lost people close to them it is not the end it is not the end they are cheering us on from the other side and i feel that i really do you know many times i felt that presence like you know cheering us on proud proud and and and he does love our boys because he knows our boys you know so I really hold on to that and he did know that I you know one of my best friends said the other day so when your dad was in hospital just before we died he said um you said would you come down he said I come and see you and I sat in the he said I turned up and your dad was in his hospital bed you were sat in the chair I walked in my friend walked in he said I looked you both you both had paper pants on your head hospital pants on your head having a conversation and a cup of tea and he goes I just remember I sat down and put a pair of hospital pants on my head and we all just laughed and had a cup of tea and you know and I kind of forgotten that story it's like you know but like my day he knew it he knew he knew it it's just when we're young we don't always say it enough and um yeah anyway anyway what would you say to you dad if you had the chance oh don't don't no i just you know just yeah yeah i don't know just thank you kind of get get got the key things right and um i need your help still need your help keep saying they keep keep uh stay keep stay close to us through the journey yeah yeah it was a beautiful way to finish thank you so much for your time thank you Thank you.

54:54Damien, Jake. Normally at this point, the audience on High Performance are listening to a quickfire round, but it felt like the wrong moment to do it today when we were in such an emotional moment. And I think the way that Bear spoke about his father there and his relationship with his dad was really powerful. But also the fact that, you know, we'll often put someone like Bear on a pedestal as being perfect or having no regrets or having no fears or any doubts. but he has to live every day with the fact that he feels he didn't say what he should have said to his dad at the very end and it's a reminder for all of us that we are flawed, life is imperfect, but we just have to try and do the best we can and I think that's what came through from him today.

55:32Yeah, definitely. He had that three-word repetition of example, example, example, whether it's being a partner or being a parent or as a professional, I suppose, and he's role-modeled the example of being kind being humble, being vulnerable as well. And I think that's a real testimony to his integrity here. You know what I liked as well is that it was quite a nuanced conversation. You know, there's an awful lot of beggars jumping out of helicopters, doing brave things, being an adventurer, looking bulletproof. But today he spoke about a lot of that and a lot of that mindset. But at the same time, he spoke about his flaws and his self-doubt and the fact there are issues and that, you know, just doing the very best you can is actually what matters.

56:15I think that was what I really took from this conversation is that he remains imperfect, but he remains optimistic. I think it's a great combination. Yeah, and I think he explained, you know, like it's easy to, he's spoken to us about the NGU muscle, the never giving up muscle being the currency of life. And it's easy to say that, but I think what he gave us today was some really tangible tools that we can all do to develop that muscle for ourselves. And talking of optimism, I genuinely believe that he believes he's 25 % of the way through his journey. how brilliant is that what a way to think I know it's reframed our way of thinking love it thanks mate really enjoyed it thank you Jake Bear you are a true friend of the show a true superstar you were so kind to Seb so thank you very much for that and thanks to you for listening don't forget you can also watch these episodes on YouTube or download the High Performance app to get so much more from the whole team we'll see you again next time for another episode of High Performance Thank you.

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