Truths You Need To Hear

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1:52Welcome back to High Performance with myself, Jay Comfrey, and our expert, Damien Hughes. Hi, Damien. Hi, Jay. You all right? Very well. Yourself? Yeah, good. So this is one of our regular episodes where the two of us get a chance to do something other than sit and speak to a guest. We know you love that. But also, we know that many of you have got things that you're struggling with in your own lives. And what we're going to do today is just take out some of the biggest lessons and learnings from the guests that have joined us on High Performance. And we've titled it Truths You Need to Hear. Why do you think that title is important, Damien?

2:22There's certain universal truths that we're all subject to, and I think sometimes we can forget them. You know, we can convince ourselves that we're a victim. We can convince ourselves that, you know, things should happen for us. You know, I sometimes say to friends, you know, good things happen for good people, but that's not true because bad things happen for good people and good things happen for bad people. So I think sometimes looking at the stuff that is actually true is a really good reminder for us. Great. So what we've actually done, we've gone through a bunch of guests from Ant Middleton to Gordon Ramsay to Chris Williamson, and we've taken moments from them that we believe are right.

2:58Things that they've said in a conversation with us where we can now reflect after over 300 episodes and over five years of having these conversations and think, do you know what? A couple of guys who have a combined age of pushing 100 and have seen a lot and done a lot in this life, we think, yeah, they're actually true. Yeah, we've been lucky enough to speak to so many guests that have just dropped knowledge bombs and told us things that have happened, that they've experienced at the sharp end, that ultimately become a truth for them. And when we sat down with Ant Middleton, this was the second ever interview we recorded, if you remember, he told us this great story about an incident that had happened to him.

3:36It's being accountable for your actions. I got into a fight and I ended up badly hurting someone And yeah, the alcohol was to blame for my decision making, but it wasn't to blame for my actions. You know, it's like, do I deserve to go to prison? Absolutely. Will I do my time? Have I got any excuses? No. You know, and again, you know, when I went to prison, I just left the military. And I remember my lawyer, he was rubbing his hands. He was like, you've just left the military, haven't you? I was like, yeah. He said, how long ago? I went six months ago. He went brilliant. He said, how many tours of Afghanistan do you do?

4:11I said three. He went, what reason? I went, yeah, I literally just got back not long ago. He was like, excellent. He was like, right, do you want to go to prison? I'm like, of course I don't want to go to prison. He's like, well, you've got PTSD. And I'm like, what do you mean I've got PTSD? He said, if you say you've got PTSD, this is the exact words. He went, I promise you, you will not go to prison. He said, I'll write a report. You'll get a slap on the wrist. He said, I guarantee you with what you've done, your background, and he said, you go off, you do a course and said you'll be at home with your family.

4:42And I looked at him, I said, I can't do that. I haven't got PTSD, I can't say that. I said, I got drunk and I said, I ended up in a fight, ended up hurting someone. I deserve to be in prison, let me do my time. And that's exactly what I'd done. I went to prison, done my time. How long did you do? I got sentenced to 14 months. So the first lesson that we want to share with you, the first truth about life that we believe is that life isn't fair. now I think it's really easy for people to go yeah life isn't fair that's why I feel like a victim that's why I'm really frustrated with life that's why things are hard for me right there's a couple of things that I'd love to talk about if you don't mind about this the first one is I really want our audience to separate fault from responsibility but life isn't fair okay and there are loads of things that are not our fault you know it's not your fault you lost your dad a couple of years ago it's not your fault my fault or anyone's fault listening to this that we all had to go through COVID a few years previously.

5:39It's not the fault of anyone listening to this if they've had issues in their childhood that are haunting them today. It's not the fault of people listening to this if they've got a mental health or a physical health problem. But the truth is, we need to understand where our responsibility lies, right? It's still your responsibility to deal with your grief, your loss and move forwards through the death of your dad. It was the responsibility of all of us to deal with COVID and find a way forwards. If we've got an issue with ourselves physically or mentally, it remains our responsibility to find a way through.

6:08And I think that instead of saying, life isn't fair and therefore I feel like a victim and therefore everything's a struggle, we have to go, do you know what, life isn't fair. But I still have to put responsibility above fault. And this is where we can gain incredible strength, right? I want everyone listening to this to remember that they have got through 100 % of the things that have challenged them in their lives. Because the fact we're all here listening to this episode or having this conversation means that we got through. that's the evidence right you are stronger than you think life isn't fair but you can cope with that and you will be okay yeah definitely it's the idea of in psychology they talk about the locus of control where like where you apportion that locus so if the locus of control is outside you're expecting life to come along and deal you the hand that you feel you deserve you're almost putting your happiness your and your your whole fortunes outside of anything that you have any influence over if you see the locus of control as you say is your responsibility it's something that you control it gives you that power that comes from it i mean the most famous example of this that we've cited a number of times is the work of dr victor frankl who during the holocaust was in uh one of the concentration camps and he spoke about it's your responsibility for how you choose to view the world and the world around you and ultimately the one thing that can't be stripped away from anyone is their ability to choose and if we can accept that we are responsible for the life that we have and stop waiting for it to deal as a fair hand we can actually get on with making the best of whatever circumstances we have brilliant so there you go the first truth that you need to hear in this short episode is that life is not always fair but it's also a truth that you're strong enough to deal with it go on what's your next truth um i would like to share a clip from chris williamson and i think that chris will say it far better than i ever will so So here is Chris Williamson when he joined us on High Performance.

8:01The magic you are looking for is in the work that you're avoiding. Most of the time we're trying to find a way to growth hack, speed run our way through whatever it is. It's like the work just needs doing. It's staring you in the face. If you're a writer, you sit down and write. If you're a podcaster, you sit down and podcast. Whatever it is that needs to be done, the magic that you're looking for always hides on the other side of the work that you're trying to get away from. That's another selection criteria, right? everyone is going to face that. Everyone is going to be looking for that problem.

8:29Talking about the thing isn't doing the thing. Tweeting about doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Telling your friends about how you're going to start a business in the morning isn't doing the thing. Like the only thing that's doing the thing is doing the thing. And I would say becoming successful without putting yourself into the work that you do is ultimately going to be hollow. So I believe that's the truth, Damien. Do you? Yeah, definitely. I think there are no shortcuts in life. I think what Chris said there about we're constantly looking for quick fixes, for hacks, for easy ways around it.

8:58But the only thing is, is you have to go through it. You know, Joseph Campbell, you mentioned Joseph Campbell's work a lot. There's a great quote from him that I think relates to this. The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek. Yeah, and it's often the way that the thing that frightens us most, the idea that we have to go and slay that dragon in Campbell's language. We have to go and confront the fear that presents itself and pass through it. we can't avoid it because if we avoid it we always become slightly diminished on the back of it so again you see it so often all these promises about get rich quick or how to lose weight in a ridiculous amount of time or or how you gain so many followers on social media and most of the time what comes easy doesn't last it's what lasts doesn't come easy and that's the point that chris is making there and as you know i'm a stoic i've got memento mori tattooed on my inside wrist i'm a big fan of the work of Ryan Holiday.

9:54And one of the great lines from Marcus Aurelius is that the obstacle is the way. And the reason why I think this is so important for people, you know, I suppose it comes back to the Marines phrase, everybody wants to eat, not everyone's prepared to hunt. And the reason why I think this is important is that we're not going to sit here and say that if you work harder or you do the work that you actually, if you're honest with yourself, are avoiding, that suddenly everything's going to be easy, everything's going to be okay, everything that you seek is going to come your way. I think it's misleading and not true for us to say that.

10:25However, at the very worst, what you do is you prove to yourself that you can do hard things. You know, as you know, I like using an ice bath at home and people often go, oh yeah, you must be doing that because of all the medical benefits of going in an ice bath, right? I do not know what the medical benefits are of going in an ice bath. I think it's helpful. I feel better, but I don't really know. What I do know though, is that every single time I'm about to go and get in the ice bath, I think to myself, I really don't want to do that because it hurts and it's not the nicest minute of my day.

10:55And actually, it's the doing of that that reminds me that when I'm confronted with something that is not great, I know that I'm able to move forwards and do it. The same as hitting snooze on the alarm clock. You know, Ben Bergeron joined us on this show and reminded us that if you start your day by hitting snooze, you're choosing the easy option immediately. So this idea that where you want to be is the other side of the work that you're avoiding isn't guaranteeing that that work is going to take you somewhere, but it is guaranteeing that by doing the work, it will give you that sense of autonomy, a sense of responsibility, a sense of pride.

11:27It will make you feel like, you know what? I gave it my best shot. I couldn't have tried any harder. I'm bold enough and brave enough and confident enough to face the things that are worrying me. And if I still don't get to where I want to go, well, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I gave it my best shot. Yeah, brilliant. You're a different person for simply giving it a goal because you've learned more. You either achieve what you want and you realise it's exactly what you hoped or you don't achieve it and then you realise that I need to do something different. But you are in a better place. So the second truth that you need to hear is that the magic you're looking for is in the work that you're avoiding.

12:02Right, time for the third truth. Damien, you can choose this one. The third truth was from the fitness influencer Courtney Black who said that your thoughts are reflected in your actions to how you think is how you eventually behave. And she gave us this really quite powerful and moving example. Every time someone looked at me, it wasn't because they was looking at me because I was maybe dancing really well or because I looked good. It was they was looking at me because I looked awful or I looked overweight or something was wrong with me. And I was so paranoid about that. But I would look back at them and think, what are they looking at or why are they looking at me like that?

12:38I was crippled with this horrible feeling of self-loathing and hated everything about myself. I took that into school. I took that into relationships. I took that into obviously getting older and having that eating disorder and being that judgmental person. I remember when I started being a personal trainer, I was still so worried about what people thought of me. I still couldn't understand when people didn't feel that way. I used to judge pretty much all my clients. I made one girl cry because she once come in and because she said to me that she couldn't understand why she couldn't stop eating.

13:13She couldn't understand why she couldn't say no to this extra bit of food on the weekend. And I just went to her, stop being so lazy. I couldn't understand why someone couldn't think the way that I thought about food. And I just remember I made her cry and that was such a turning point in my career. Because I thought I never want anyone to feel like that. So there's a great quote that I was reminded of listening to Courtney there. It says, what's your thoughts, for they become your words. What's your words, for they become your actions. What's your actions, for they become your habits. What's your habits, for they become your character.

13:44And that's very much the point, the truth that I took out of Courtney's message there, that sometimes the thoughts that we have, whether you see everyone against you, or you look at people and you look for the worst aspects of who they are, or you look to find fault in any situation you find, And eventually it becomes, into your character, that becomes the sort of person you are. So the bit we control is how we choose to think about it. And one thing that has been really powerful for me since starting High Performance, right, is when you try and see the good in everyone and everything, when you hang out with optimists and you really do become a true optimist, a true believer in other human beings, you do start to understand what Roxy Nafusi spoke to us about, which is being a high-frequency person leads to great things happening.

14:26And actually, as you start to see the great things in the world, Isn't it amazing how you notice low-frequency people? The snipers, the criticizers, the negatives, the naysayers, people who are constantly kind of a victim of circumstance rather than taking control. And I think that really that's my biggest takeaway almost, you know, Damien, from hosting this show is this idea of not just me trying to be high-frequency, trying to see that great things are going to happen all the time. I think it's also given me an empathy that not everyone can be there. Not everyone can get to that place, and that's also okay.

14:58You know, Rangan Chatterjee, our fellow podcaster, joined us on here and said, you know, if someone else has said, before you judge someone, realize that if you'd have lived their life, you'd act the same way. So I think we should be optimistic. We should be looking for the best. We should realize that being high frequency is good for other people and good for us. But then when someone acts in the way that Courtney was acting in that instance, we also have to have the grace to realize that there's a reason why they're acting like that. And actually, the great thing about that is that when you have that grace and you have that empathy, it allows you to remain in a place of high frequency rather than going to a place of criticism or negativity or hatred, you know?

15:37Yeah, well, there's two parts there to take away from it, Jay, that you're saying. We're all familiar with the idea of being paranoid where you believe that everyone's out to get you, but there's a flip side of that is that we can all be pronoid, which is you're out to believe that everybody's out to help you. So if you see the world through a pronoid lens and you go, everybody out here is a friend that I just haven't met yet. Everybody out here wants to lift me up. It puts you in a more induced state to act with that grace, to then go and do the same thing for them as well. Well, actually, that reminds me of a small snippet from an episode that actually we released yesterday.

16:12If you want to, you can go back and listen to the full episode with Sarah Pascoe. And she spoke, didn't she, about how she made this exact realisation that you're talking about backstage before one of her comedy gigs. I'll just let her very briefly explain the story. I used to have this horrible thing where I used to imagine with tour shows that half of your audience had been dragged there by someone, a really negative thought where I'd go, men, dragged by wives, they don't think women are funny. That's so unuseful to my brain, to think I'm trying to convince someone I'm good at my job. And as I've done it more, I've just started to go, they're here.

16:45If they didn't want to be here, why would they be here? Convincing someone of your... this is how far that journey's gone from a 14-year-old who didn't think anyone liked her, who wants to be on stage to go, I don't care if you don't like me, you have to look at me, to come to a place of like, why don't you just trust that most people are here because they actually, they do want, they do want to see you. How delightful is that? So there you go. What I like about that is it kind of validates what we're saying here. Absolutely. So when we talk about this idea of your thoughts become your words, which eventually become your character, what we're doing is we're triggering what's known as the reticular activating system.

17:19and that's part of your brain that if you say, for example, that you're thinking of buying a brand new car and you start thinking about the type of car you want and then the type of colour, and in your case it would be canary yellow. Yellow. Yeah. Well, what happens is, so what happens then is your reticular activating system that is being bombarded all the time with sort of, oh, we know Cain's old, there's 80 ,000 thoughts a day. It can't cope with that. So the reticular activating system is like the bouncer on the door that decides who gets into your conscious mind or not. So then you start observing the amount of canary yellow cars that are on the road that are of the same model as yours.

17:58So the wider point we're making there is that if you believe that everybody's out to help you, you'll start seeing the people in your life that are high frequency, the ones that are looking to lift you up. And you will start ignoring the ones that maybe are out there to get you. The reticular activator. I am so basic compared to you. I love working with a clever person. Always. Right, let's do a couple more really quick clips. Go on, you go next. Okay, I'm going to go to a clip from the disaster response expert Lucy Eastope, who wrote the amazing book When the Dust Settles. She's worked at things like the September 11th attacks, the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, the 2005 London bombings.

18:36She's also worked with people who have been human trafficked, people who are slaves. And what she noticed was the very first thing that you need to do when someone has been through a trauma is to connect to them. I'll let her pick up the story. The joy with which somebody, they can't believe that they're being offered a cup of tea. They are given a toiletries package with cosmetics and they often will go in and they won't speak, they won't make eye contact. And then when they've had a shower, the longest I've known somebody be in the shower for was 91 minutes. They just stayed under the hot water, just lathering themselves.

19:10They'd had no access to hot water for the whole time they were a slave. and they came out and then they looked the borders officers in the face and were able to make eye contact with them. Now, I know, Damien, that there might be people listening to this thinking, okay, these are truths that we need to hear, but my life is so far removed from a huge plane crash or a nuclear disaster or a terrorist attack or, you know, the sort of hidden world of human trafficking and slavery, right? But actually, what Lucy's talking about there is something that we all need to understand, which is that if you want people to come on the journey with you, whether that's a parent, whether that's a boss, whether that's a teacher, whether that's a friend, whether that's a colleague, you will only get them to do this by connecting to them.

19:54And I'm sure there are people listening to this now that think, why can't I get my colleagues to follow the things I want them to follow? Why can't I get the kids in my classroom to listen to me in a way that I want them to listen to me? Why do I feel that every time I speak to my partner they don't quite do the things I'm asking? What I would say is, What's your connection like with them? How close are you on an emotional level? Because before you can say, I want you to do this for me, those people need to emotionally invest in you and therefore they'll emotionally invest in the things that you're asking them to do.

20:23So the key is, make people feel understood, make people feel valued, and you will find the same thing you're asking them to do that previously fell on deaf ears suddenly happens. I think that's a really powerful point, Jake, and it reminds me of a letter that I remember reading years ago from when British troops liberated Bergen-Belsen, the concentration camp. They told this story where when prisoners that had been there, that had been interned, were released, they had care packages that they gave out to them. And one of the British commanders, I think he was called Gonville Bromhead, remembers writing home to his wife that initially they found lipstick in the packages that they were giving to the women and he was like, what idiots packed lipstick in with these people coming out of such horrific circumstances?

21:12But then he talks about the moment where he realised that he went, actually, what genius packed that lipstick? Because he said he saw the women coming out and they were putting the lipstick on and he said it gave them a sense that they were still human, that they could still be attractive, that they still mattered. And he talks about it was just a small act, but actually the impact of it was huge. and I think that goes back to what you're talking about connecting. This isn't necessarily doing great grand gestures. It's often the small things like the Lucy example of the cup of tea, the lipstick example of coming out of a concentration camp, the example of in a classroom just putting a hand on the shoulder of somebody that might be struggling for a moment.

21:54These are all the small acts that bring us closer to another person that prove to them that you care and that's when they realise that you're on their side. So there you go. The fourth truth that you need to hear is, no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Damien, final clip. The final truth that we all need to know comes from one of our biggest episodes that we've had, Gordon Ramsay. Take it professionally, not personally. Really important. I can't stress how important that is. Getting told off is fucking good. Really healthy. But take it professionally. don't take it personally after I heard that one I sort of went back through the archives of Gordon Ramsay's old episodes and looked at does he actually do that and I looked at because he's associated with like these piffy one-liners that are often put-downs but actually when I went back and listened to it very rarely do you ever hear him criticise the person it's often the job that they've done so he's role modelling that idea of I'm attacking the quality of the food that you've produced.

23:04I'm not attacking you as a person. And it's a really good example of sometimes we all need to hear feedback and we almost have to get our own egos out of the way and think that it's about us. Who are we not to be able to listen? Who are we not to be able to learn? Who are we not to take feedback? When we have that mindset, we can always look at how we can improve it. And that to me captures brilliantly one of the truths that we all need reminding of. and I actually was I was fortunate in many ways because a couple of weeks after we recorded that episode I had a friend call me he works for one of the UK's biggest businesses and he just rang me out of the blue he's had a promotion he's got a new boss and he said he said I'm having a nightmare my boss thinks I'm I'm crap I said explain and he said I went in I had an appraisal I had a conversation with my boss and and they basically said you're not paying enough attention to small details in your work and I said so just explain that again your boss thinks that you're not good enough?

24:02He said, yeah. I said, no, that's not what your boss has said at all. Your boss has said that, not you as a person, but your boss said the work that you are not doing is good enough. You need to pay more attention to your work. I said, is that actually possible? Is it possible for you to pay more attention to your work? And he's like, well, yeah, I guess that is possible, yeah. And I said, well, there you go. Two truths. A, your boss is actually right because you can do it. But the most important thing to understand here is that your boss probably still wants to go for a drink with you. Your boss would probably still send you a birthday card.

24:32They'd probably like to hang out and go and watch a game of football or whatever. But as well as all that being true, it's also true that you could pay more attention to the small details in your work. So just take it professionally. They're not saying you are the problem. They're saying your work is the problem. And I think if we could get that in the eyes and ears of every single person, in every single job in the UK, because we're all dealing with criticism or judgment or trying to make relationships work, I think that the workspace around the world would be so much healthier. Well, do you remember when we sat down with the entrepreneur, Sarah Davis?

25:05She says this line where she said, I was a good businesswoman, but what made me a great businesswoman was radical candor. She cited Kim Scott's work about this willingness to let people know I care about you as a person, but caring about you as a person means I also care about you as a professional. So here's the feedback that I think means you can improve professionally. So if we can get comfortable with this idea receiving feedback professionally, not personally, that's a great truth that we can all take away. We've got a few comments from our lovely listeners as well. Give space to coaching.

25:38It said, the hard truth I had to hear was, no one owes you anything, so stop expecting them to feel sorry for your scars. Oh, that's a good one. It's a great line. Becky Wren said, you are the master of your own destiny that was shared by a manager about 15 years ago in an appraisal, she says, and I hated this at the time. but my manager, she was so right. Only you can make it happen. Again, it comes back to that fault versus responsibility. Absolutely. This sense that we are in control, you know? Colin Morris, 1977, says, some of my early mentors taught me to make the right decision, not the easy decision.

26:13It can lead to some challenging situations, but you can always leave with your head held high. Is there a truth that you've heard in your life that you'd like to leave us with? Yeah, it's the idea that if your presence doesn't make a difference, nobody will notice your absence. So it's the idea of show up and actually look to contribute, look to be a part of it rather than just sit there and be a passive observer. What about you? My first ever boss, Adam Stanhope, and I still thank him for this now. I went to him and I was working at a little TV channel in Norwich and I didn't have a job in London, but I decided to go to London to try and make it in television.

26:45It involved walking away from a job, sleeping on the floors of my friends and only had one or two in London as it was. And I explained my plan and he said, look, I don't think it's going to work. But never sit in the comfy chair. And I took that, and that's why we have these chairs in the studio. But I did take that on, and it is valuable, and I still reflect on never sit in the comfy chair. I think it's powerful. Well, I've heard you repeat that a number of times, so it obviously resonated. Absolutely. Thanks, mate. Thank you, mate. And look, I really hope that you enjoyed this quick fly-through some of the former episodes of High Performance, and I really hope that you feel there's some value from us sharing with you the truths that we feel you need to hear.

27:25but don't keep these to yourselves. Please forward this episode to someone that you think would benefit from this in their lives. You can listen to all of the full episodes from the clips that are featured in this conversation. The links are in the show notes. And we've also got an Instagram broadcast channel. We'd love you to hop on there. You can follow us on Instagram, check out the broadcast channel and that gives you a chance to ask Damien and I a question or just share your thoughts about this episode or any other episode that we bring you from High Performance. But from the both of us and the whole team, thank you so much for listening.

27:54Take those truths into your life and we'll speak to you soon.

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