America Shocked Peter & Abbey... We Couldn't Believe It!

0:00This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties.

0:43So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C. ZocDoc. At Boar's Head, we've been going back to school for over 115 years. And this year, every school lunch is reason to celebrate with the flavors your kids love and the exceptional quality you expect. Helping you make school lunch fresh, easy, and delicious. Ring the bell. The deli is open. Orzette, committed to craft since 1905.

1:52Helping you understand what drives you. So you can build better habits to not just lose weight, but keep it off. Noom. Lose for keeps. Get started at Noom.com. Not all customers will clinically qualify for medications. Individual results may vary. You know, I've been away from you guys for over six weeks now. And you've got an American twang. What's your name? And I'll say, Peter. I say, what? And I'll say, Peter. You know the studio girls that we're in? Beyonce, Bonilla, Tupac, Biggie. There's a new Biggie in town, guys. You got the car map, don't you? Yeah, but I found, like, a new South American guy.

2:31I can talk to you, you know, if you want some nasal polyps down here. No, thanks. Howdy, y 'all, and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Evie Clancy. I'm Peter Crouch, and Gaz is here as well. I'm on the line. What is that? That's like a deep south. We're in New York. New York? I can't talk New York. I don't know. I am loving New York. Oh, yeah. It's just my favourite place now, apart from everything costs a million bucks. You're not going to believe this, Gaz. Yesterday, I went to get my nails done. Yeah. Me and the girls, we had manicure, pedicure each. So three manis, three pedicures. And they were like, oh, do you want a complimentary head massage?

3:17Do you want a head massage? I was like, oh, yeah, absolutely. I was getting my nails done in one of them chairs facing forward with the head through the hole. Hands like that. Did it knock down on you at all when all this was happening? I thought it was complimentary. Got to the till. It was$1 ,000 for three manicures. I was like, sorry, what? Oh, my God. I could not believe it. And obviously at this point we'd already had it done, so there was no getting out of it. And at one point I was thinking, girls come on ready after three we're gonna let get out this door scouse exit go old school yeah scouse exit go old school i i just couldn't could not believe it and sophia was like oh god mommy you know so to get my nails done i could have had three of those salarone t-shirts you know princess sophie instead oh you could have just not spent anything like that exactly well like i i if If you're wondering why I haven't cut my hair for the entire World Cup, it was for that reason.

4:18I found out there was a haircut. There was a place that I went and they said, yeah, it was$250. I know. And I went, I'm going to grow it, I think. You know, Jack got a buzz cut yesterday, guys. Oh, I saw in your story, yeah. I thought you were heartbroken. You kept some of the locket of hair, right? Just got it in a bag. I just, I love Jack's hair and he just looks so beautiful and he's got his blonde curls with, like, the blonde tips and he's, you know, he just looks beautiful and young. I said he looked like Sigourney Weaver. Oh, what, from Alien, when she does the vodka? He literally looks like Sigourney Weaver from Alien.

4:55He looks like Sigourney Weaver. I can't... He looks like a proper scout scout. Can I say, whose decision was it, his or yours? Who decided on that? He's been asking and asking every day. Yeah, like, it was one of those, I think... Ab took him. He's been on it every single day. He hasn't been like, can I get a buzz cut? I'm going to bleach it. I'm going to get Alfie to bleach it when we get back so it kind of looks deliberate because he just looks... He looks like he's been shaved for fleas. As parents, what's your opinion? Because I think he actually looks quite... He looks quite masculine with it.

5:28I think he looks quite cool with it. It suits him. It does look cool. It does. It suits his personality as well. He bought, you know, off the little stalls in New York. like the streets, there's like stalls and sell like trinkets and stuff. He made me buy him like a gold watch. A gold watch? And I made Pete take him into Rolex to get some links taken out of him. And they wouldn't do it. It was like a fake, a fake Rolex. He was on at me all day, right? And I was just putting him off, putting him off, putting him off. And he was like, Dad, I need a link out of this watch. And obviously, bearing in mind, we paid like 10 bucks for it.

6:05And he's going, I need this link. He goes, Dad, there's Rolex there. You can nip it. And I had no get out of jail. We were literally, he said, there's a watch shop. And I was like, oh, God. He's just got his own style, hasn't he? We ended up going in there, right? And the guy came out with a pair of white gloves on. And I gave him this, like, fake watch shop from a stall. And said, can you just, he's trying to be quiet. He's over there, Jack. But I said, can you take a link out? and he looked at me like, the weight of the watch is like paper. I handed it to him on a silver platter. I said, can you take a link out?

6:47But he refused to do it, didn't he? He just said, we haven't got the right utensils for this. And I said, you definitely have. But you know you're getting absolutely nothing off us in this shop. But no, we've absolutely loved it here. It's just been mega, you know, the experiences the kids have had. But I've been saying it the whole time. I've been out here, obviously, for the World Cup. Obviously, Gaz, you were with me. You know, LA, Philadelphia, Boston, Kansas. We've been everywhere. And genuinely, I've just had a great time. Obviously, the World Cup was fantastic. But the people and the places, everything's bigger.

7:23It's exciting. I love the people. Everyone is so positive. I just like the positivity, yeah, really do. Yeah. My new best friend is the doorman at our hotel. he's an absolute legend every day he's just hey man how are you doing have a nice day y 'all he's just fab it's a good way to start the day and you walk down the street and people are like oh my god you're so beautiful it's great vibes I've never had that I can do it for you if you like mate so have you got any weekly wines for me don't get me started Oh, here we go.

8:06Yeah, we're in the confines of quite a loft-style apartment in New York. I don't know if you know about New York, but there's not a lot of room and space. Abby's come straight from Portugal with six, seven suitcases, because obviously she was living there. Six of them. And, yeah, I don't know, things are tight. Things are tight. Yeah, it's a bit tense, tense-age. And obviously me having OCD and having self-diagnosed OCD and all the shit everywhere in the room and the kids, it would just, it turns out, wild animals. Yeah, it's all a bit tense, shall I say. I think my weekly wine is New York in general, really, and the lack of space for larger families.

8:56That would be... Rather than have a weekly wine at you, I would put it down to space in New York for families. You say that, though. We've been around... Jack had the worst day of his life. Oh, yeah? Yeah. How so? They went, where did I go? Was I shoving? I'm not sure what you were doing, but I thought I'd take the boys off her, you know, and it was just the boys. Yeah, and they went on a bike ride. Around Central Park, which is a great thing to do, unless it is monsoon weather. And the heavens opened. And it was gale force winds, torrential rain. They were saturated. He fell off his bike three times.

9:33He said, Dad, this is the worst day of my life. So it started well. And bearing in mind, he's only seven, right? And Johnny's only eight. So I had them on bikes. And to be fair to them, they were halfway around. I don't know if you've known Central Park, but it's massive. I went halfway around it. He did so well. Yeah. And then I could see it turning. And I thought, do you know what, boys? I think we should head back to the thing. but I've no idea which way to go. So we just kept going round. We've almost done the whole part. I'm not joking. When you say the heavens opened, it was full on monsoon.

10:05Like, you've never seen it wetter. And, I mean, we were drenched. By the end, we had to take up, we took our shirts off and put them in my little basket. I got a photograph of them, all of the boys, Pete, Jack and Johnny, topless, drying off with paper towel, you know, crying their eyes out. He was crying. Where were we? Where were we? Not sure. Were we shopping or something? Probably. Yeah, I think we were. The shops are so good. They get, like, my kids are shopaholics. Oh, yeah? Girls. Liberty. Liberty's like my nan. You know, whether it's a pound shop or Harrods, you know, the desperation to spend is phenomenal.

10:48She does something, yeah. And she does not run out of steam. Like, I'm, like, exhausted. Like, I need a little apple on her. A little break. Like, she just keeps going and keeps going, like, looks at every single thing in the shop. Fairfait. I actually don't shop a lot. Do you think about it? No, I don't. Brows every day. I'm more of a brow, yeah. But I've got a weekly observation, instead of a wine, from yourself, Gaz, and Pete. You know, I've been away from you guys for over six weeks now, and you've got an American twang. like Gaz when I was with you the other day you know everyone who walked past you like I appreciate you man I appreciate you man I appreciate you bro and Pete's doing a Pete's calling everyone man now.

11:34Izzy. Hey man how you doing man? I've just kind of thanks man. I've just kind of taken mate so like when I would say mate in England I've just replaced it with man have you replaced class? You say class quite a bit. Have you replaced that with anything? Like this is great super you said super I don't know I think I think this man's that you know I've started I've started saying I appreciate it obviously you've gone one step further like I appreciate you that's on the Ickless though well yeah like I don't know the thing is also I can't say my name I say Peter so like you know if I'm in a coffee shop I'll say what's your name and I'll say Peter they'll say what yeah I'll say it's Peter and then they'll say what again and I'll say Peter Peter.

12:24I have to throw the D in there. Peter. It's Peter. But I've had to say that quietly because I know I have a beyond me. I'll just vomit if you say that. Peter. Why don't you say Pedro? Well, I'll have to say, yeah, Pedro, I suppose. But I don't know. Or ped. It's just a lot easier. That's what I call them, ped. Ped, ped egg. No, no, it's easy to slip into. I won't. You've said the odd thing. As if? Like what? You've said the odd thing. I've just seen it creeping in a little bit. You know what I have noticed, though, now my children haven't been in their posh-story school, that they're going awfully Scouse.

13:02Oh, they've shaved their heads and now they're going fully Scouse. They're just living their best life. Yeah, they've definitely, especially the baby, he's got a Scouse twang now, have you noticed? It's good when he tries to put one... You know, when he puts one on, it's full Scouse. Yeah, he goes, you're going to school, pool. Should we go down to the pool? You must love that, though. That must make you proud to hear that coming out of them. No, I like them posh. Oh, do you? I do. Not even a little bit of home. I just... No, I just... You know, I love the Scouse accent and the Scouse people, but I just love a posh accent.

13:37I would love one. You know, I've been 20 years... Well, Av's been trying to, like, pretend she was Joanna Lumley for so long. Do you remember when she did her audiobook? Yeah, I do, yeah. And it was like... It was Ari. audiobook. No, it's when I do... It's kind of video around me. No, it's when I do... So my home show... That's it. Abby Clancy's Celebrity Homes is back on now. Back on, I saw it, yeah. Well played. On TV, yeah, by popular demand. People love that. No, they love it. People ask me all the time about, God, when did she bring that show back? Everyone loved it. But Sally, my producer, so I'd be going around people's homes and I'd be like, oh, my God, you've got a fucking walking wardrobe!

14:16Like that. And then I'd have to do the voiceovers and I'd be like, Today, we are off to see Shereen Murphy's humble abode. And Sally would be like, Abby, can you just talk in your normal voice? Because when we cut to the actual show, it doesn't marry up and it's like we've got Joanna Lumley doing the voiceover. Do you know if you watch that show, I know it's back on ITV now, ITV isn't it? And if you watch that show, please, just look at the difference between when you're walking around the house and being totally natural to the voiceover, which is Joanna Lumblin. I just think if you've got a posh accent, you can get away with anything.

14:55Like my best friend, one of my best family friends, Caroline and Lucinda, they're so posh and they can say anything, every swear word under the sun. Well, they say the C word, don't they? And it kind of... It works? Yeah, it kind of works. It sounds classy when they drop the C bar? It's complete. Sounds like it's in the syllabus. Yeah, yeah, like it's like if I said it, and go, oh, that's disgusting. How dare you? If I said it, I'd just sound like even more of a trollop. You just can't say it. But I think when you talk like Caroline, you say, oh, God, total ****. But to be fair, she is a mastermind as well.

15:33She is one of the most eloquent, most intelligent women on the planet. I think when you've got a vocab... It's like when you've run out of, you know, vocabulary, you resort to that kind of word, whereas obviously she's got all the other words but then just throws in the odd C-bomb. The C-bomb. Totally works. Exactly. So, yeah, what should we... OK, we'll go for some audience wines, Gaz, yeah? Apologies, we are in a studio in New York and I can see some little creatures walking around. You know the studio we're in? Our children. Our children. You know the studio, Gaz, that we're in? Beyonce recorded a Lemonade album in here.

16:07You are joking. Essential Seas been here. Stormzy. Tupac. Biggie. No? Biggie, we had Biggie in here. I thought he looked decent. You look great, by the way. In this shot that I can see. It's a new biggie in town, guys. I hate to hear about the weather, though, playing up. It was kind of all over the place when I was there with you. It was like one day boiling hot, next day torrential. It's lovely. What I like about it is just like it's ridiculous rain, and then it's beautiful again. I, as per usual, brought the entire round of outfits. You know, I spent, like, you know, I thought, I'm going to do this properly.

16:43I'm going to get Becky, my stylist, to sort me out some outfits. Everything was white. It was hot pants and da-da-da-da-da. And I've had these fricking black leggings on that I had to buy every day because, you know, the weather has just been so unpredictable. It's amazing how she gets it wrong every time. And then I'm just going to have a little stroll down Fifth Avenue. I still haven't been to that where I wanted to go. Well, I've avoided it. Good bastard. Well, I think they've seen... What are they, a little Lululemon job? What have we got? No, it's a little American apparel. Do you remember that?

17:14Oh, I do. I used to go there all the time when we lived in Camden, when we lived in Belsize. There was one in Camden. But it's really cool for basics, but, you know, I'm probably a bit too old for that now. Nice shoe, looks cool. But yeah, it's cashier, it's cash. This leather jacket got saturated, so it's gone a little bit funny now. Right, audience, wine, sausage? Yeah, let's get into those. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed.

17:58But we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C. ZocDoc. At Boar's Head, we've been going back to school for over 115 years.

18:44And this year, every school lunch is reason to celebrate with the flavors your kids love and the exceptional quality you expect. Helping you make school lunch fresh, easy, and delicious. Ring the bell. The deli is open. Orzette, committed to craft since 1905. I've been sat on this one for weeks because generally I don't know if it's a problem or if I'm the problem. My girlfriend talks in her sleep, always has. I knew that going in, it's usually harmless. Shopping lists, arguments and people who aren't there. Once she did a full 90 seconds waxing lyrical about a horse. All good, all very cute, but recently...

19:30Oh God. The sleep talking has taken a turn. It's become, let's say, terrifying. She starts growling in her sleep and often makes exorcist girl noises. Do you have any ideas how to... Ideas? Any ideas? Do you have any ideas how to approach this or even solve it? I swear, I haven't had a wink of sleep for three weeks. Love the pod, keep up the good work. Jim? Well, one of our good friends, Jordan, talks in sleep. I think we've mentioned this before. What did he say? Oh, that's a great set of balls. What? Honestly, he's... Yeah, and his girlfriend, and he's normally talking... He's usually talking about male genitalia in his sleep, which is obviously...

20:14Can you imagine what kind of a... I'm just a bit worrying for his girlfriend. I wonder what that signifies, which is part of the obvious. That's outrageous. Didn't your dad once talk about someone having big tits? Yeah, he did. He did his sleep. He did. What did he say? He's talking about massive boobs or something. Go on, my son.

20:42Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Have you ever... Do you guys do it? I think it... Do you sleep talk? No. You've said the odd thing. Like what? Just like it's mumbling and... Leonardo. No, no, Leonardo. Go away from me. what about you P that you were talking if you class snoring as talking is he bad for it I think that was more so my polyp phase impersonating a Harley Davidson while sleeping I had nasal polyps guys as you're well aware we've discussed all of my issues on this podcast it was supposed to be a safe space but I think it's better now Would you suggest? We don't sleep in the same bed now because of our loft apartments in New York.

21:32No, because you've got two rooms and the kids were... Like, you know, the idea was to have a room for us and then all the kids in the other one, but they just won't. They need us present, one of us present at all times. Strasley, freaking mad. Oh, my God. Do you guys get any kip, then, whatsoever, if the kids are always around? Yeah, we get sleep. Do you? That's about it. that's all we're getting no fair play by the way Pete I didn't actually know about this polyps I didn't actually I wasn't really tuned into it but I went to an old an old F and I said to my missus I was like oh he sounds full of a cold is that what it kind of did did it make you sound a bit bunked up yeah all of my sinuses were kind of taken up by this thing and I'm actually on this kind of injection it's called duplexion which has really helped everything asthma nasal polyps Manjaro yeah been on that for years

22:33people believe that I'm not on that you're the only footballer who's managed to keep the weight off since retiring unbelievable works well unbelievable metabolism or something I don't know what it is did that affect you when you was playing did that affect you playing football no because it only developed after football yeah I just oh right he developed allergies after like asthma and I suffer quite bad with it, yeah. Anyway, less about you, more about our audience. Come on. So, I mean, how do you deal with that? I think a good kick to the ribs is how you'd probably deal with it. I think that's how you would deal with it, is it not?

23:10I don't think that's a dodgy situation to bring up, a dodgy subject, I just reckon you'd just say. Yeah, but there's nothing she can do about it, is there? No. What on earth can she do about that? I'd just say, do you deal with it? Yeah, and I probably would just have to deal with it, but you would kick me in the ribs, wake me up every time. I mean, even if I'm snoring, I know if I'm snoring because I've got a slap around the chops. Oh, shut up, that's not true. Or dig in the ribs then. No, I'll just nudge you slightly. Oh, you'll nudge me, won't you? I'll just shabby you, that normally stops me.

23:43Yeah, a shabba would work, yeah. Or what about the rain machine or something, like a noise thing? Do you guys sleep with any of that on? You know, you have a car map, don't you? Yeah, but I found a new South American guy. Yes, Chibs is out, is he? No, Chibs is in still. Chibs is in some... But, you know, I've upgraded, so I've got more variety. Oh. I've upgraded my package. And what a package it is. Who's the new guy? Who's the South American guy? Go for a South American, man. You're sleeping with a South American now. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a lovely voice. Great. I can talk to you, you know, if you want.

24:16You want some nasal polyps down your ear hole? No, thanks. No, I don't. Right, shall we talk all things World Cup? OK. Girls? Well, I've still got some wine. Oh, go on, go on. I'm a big fan of the pod. I'm hoping to get your advice, perspective on a situation which recently happened. On Friday, very specific, on Friday the 17th of July, myself and my amazing husband got married. Ah, that's why it's significant. That's why the date's significant. We worked so hard for two years to afford the beautiful day. And let me see. Oh, is this recent marriage? Oh, my God, you didn't get me a present for our anniversary.

24:55I got you flowers. I know, but like a present present? I wonder, why do you have to always get presents? What did you get me? Did you get me any flowers? I actually don't get presents, that's the point. You do? I don't. Yes, you do. I did get a load of white roses. Yeah, there you go, what did I get? Didn't even get a, hello? It's not really for the men, is it? Oh, is it not? For the girls. OK, we put... Do you know I know this is a new marriage because she says my amazing husband? I'd still call you amazing. We could say... We put all the money into the wedding anyway. We did this completely by ourselves without any help from our parents.

25:38Everything was going amazing until the speeches. My stepdad did the father of the bride speeches. My dad is not around. The speech was essentially 15 minutes of how I used to be fat as a child, teen and adult, until discovering the gym only a year and a half ago, and how I am also very stupid. It was as if he had completely forgotten to include the nice parts of the speech to balance it out. It was a complete roast of me, and I was mortified, especially as I had invited a few people I work with to the day too. Luckily, my husband's speech was amazing. When the speech finished, I stuck around for a while as not to look upset, then went to the bridal suite for a cry.

26:19When I came out, everyone was telling me how awful my stepdad's speech was. I felt so embarrassed. I did recover and dance the night away, etc., but I just didn't feel right after. Unfortunately, it has marked the day slightly for me. The most diabolical part is that my mum had proofread the speech and co-signed it off. Do you know what? I think it's a tricky thing, though, isn't it? Speeches. People get really nervous. Listen, I know when my dad was doing our speech, he literally got Tourette's. Yeah, he just said loads of random stuff, didn't he? Yeah, and everyone was like, what the hell is Jeff on drugs?

26:55You know, he just... It was so off the wall and it made no sense. And I think people try and be funny and overcompensate and it can come out completely the wrong way. Yeah. You know, under pressure. So I reckon that's probably what's going on there. Agreed. My parents don't think they've done anything wrong here. It's uncomfortable because we're a month away from moving into our new house and we're currently living with them. Oof. Am I an arsehole for being annoyed by this? Should I forgive and forget or fuck them off? From Alice. I think she's just got to forgive and forget. I think, you know, I'll just reiterate.

27:31I think people... It's like, for example, on your wedding day where you go, I'm going to try a new hairstyle and a new make-up look and then it all just goes wrong. You need to stick to what you know, really. and I think he was probably trying to be funny, but it's obviously come across as hurtful and I wouldn't read too much into it. You know, he clearly loves her. He gave her away at the wedding. He did the speech and I think it's just like a gag gone wrong. I think there's a really fine line between, you know, funny and going too far. You know, there are gags, certain things that people want to hear and enjoy and stuff like that, you know, especially about being young, maybe before their partner, that kind of thing.

28:10but I think you can go too far and go too far the other way. It's a really fine line because people want to hear some dirt, but they don't want to hear, like, you know, too much of it. I think it's a poison chalice, to be honest. I've been blessed enough to be best man at a few weddings, and it's always the worst bit of it because you kind of, you can't appease everyone. You can go too hard one way and people are like, God, you went really in there, or you can be too soft and be really sweet, and they're like, you should have gone a bit harder, you should have gone in deeper, and you can't really win.

28:39I've always found that the hardest bit. Have you guys ever, like, you know, made of honour? No, but I'm made of honour for my sister. Do I need to do a speech? Do you need to do it as a made of honour? It's not traditional, but you could do. It's changing now. Oh, OK. Yeah. You could. I'd try to do that. For that reason, right? Because you don't know where to draw the line, right? No, I think with, like, with that one, I think you can just be nice. I think best mans notoriously need to be good, which is, you know, not nice, really. But with that one, I think you can just be nice and say nice things.

29:13Yeah, of course. All right, we've got one from Anne from Milton Keynes. Do you want to hear what Anne has to say? Yeah. She says, my wife and I... My wife. My wife. My wife and I bought a smart home. Smart lights, smart thermostat, smart doorbell, smart plugs. Already I say no. Yeah, same. I'm just currently doing our light switches in our house. We've gone with the on-off situation. No, we've got a hybrid version because, obviously, my house is an old house, our dream old home. I wanted traditional toggle light switches, so I've gone with Soho Lighting, who are just incredible, and the nickel plates...

29:55We've gone with Soho Lighting. We, we. That was a slip of the tongue there, Ben. No, so I... It's been, like, a massive debate because Jo, who's helping me with the house from Tile House Studio, is just the best. She's, like, sending this because they're engraved. So these plates are engraved so you can put, like, pantry, kitchen, but then you have mood settings. So I'm like, oh, my God, once I'd picked the design, which was the nickel finish, the toggles, beautiful. I'm like, no, that's a blue job. That's a Peter. He can, because lighting is so important. But we have to name each one. You still haven't replied, did you?

30:35I've replied. I've sorted it all. You've done it? Do you want me to tell you? Yeah, go on. Yeah. There's three, right? You know there's 58 sometimes on the keypads. I've gone with three, and it's like on, off, and like move. Perfect. Perfect. Like, literally. So you've got like a dimmer, dim third one. Yeah, but what about if you just want the lights above the island on? No, I don't need any of that. So you've just got, yeah, I think it's wall lights. So it's like wall, which is dim. Then you've got on and off. Yeah, but that's not really... Are you going to tell me that's wrong? I'm not going to tell you what you're wrong.

31:11Because you are. Exactly what you want to do. No, OK, so let's just go... It's in your face. No, I'm not. Let's just go to our kitchen, for example. So you've got the kitchen. You can have all on. Then you've got... I can't remember what I said, to be honest. Then you've got, like, the dining table. So if you want to have dinner in the kitchen, you could just have the dining room above light on, but dim, not full. So there's so much more than off dim, Pete. Well, you said to me you want it completely... Foolproof. Yeah, so idiot-proof. So there's three. What's the point? Exactly what she's about to say.

31:48She hasn't said it yet, but... No, but what about if we want to watch TV in the kitchen? You're not going to have it fully on, are you? Why have you given me a job and then I've done the job and now you're going to tell me the job was wrong? No, because I don't want to do that job because it's too much of a headache. but you always go on about lighting and how important it is. The lighting is very, very important, but as she's about to say there, listen, let's read her email. Because this will... No, because if Soho Lighting have got to engrave every single thing and there's about 80 light switches, are you going to get it wrong?

32:22Right, so here she says, right, instead it's turned our home into a haunted house that we pay a monthly subscription for. The lights come on at 3am, for no reason. The thermostat has a mind of its own. The doorbell rings when there's no one there. Yeah. Which I've decided to not think about too hard, otherwise I'll never sleep again. Yeah. Last week, the whole system updated. Now none of it talks to each other. So we turn on the living room lamp. I have to use an app. And by the time it works, I've lost the will to be in the living room anyway. The final straw was I got locked out of my own kitchen because the smart lock decided I was a stranger.

33:01I stood in my own hallway being denied entry to my own...

33:08What's the bit of technology in your home that was meant to help but instead ruin your lives? I feel like, Pete, you're more hands-on with the gadgets, but I would love to know both of you. It's Anne from Milton King. Well, we had this in our old house, so we had the guy around like a million times to, like, program these keypads. But every day, the button would do something different. Unreal. So you'd turn it on, and it was supposed to just be Kitchen Island. Every light in the house would come on. It's unreal. Then you'd turn it off, and then it'd just dim, you know, light up on its own in, like, a gradual manner.

33:39Like, it's insane. So in our new house, I was like, this is what... I just want on and off. Well, that's what I've given you, plus a move. So I've actually gone one extra. Yeah, but if we had a twisty knob. Yeah. A twisty knob. A twisty knob. I think because what it is, the guy before us has put in this mad system. Very sophisticated system. But it's that sophisticated that when you go in, there's 500 buttons and you press each one to try and get what you need and it takes probably five to ten minutes to get what you need. And that, for me, is not acceptable. No. I'm not walking into a room and pressing all these buttons.

34:19On your phone, all this nonsense. No. Like, who wants, like, seriously? My friend Riley, though, she's got this thing on her phone where, you know, she can be in the car on the way home and go, like, you know, I literally want to put the kitchen light on and set all the house for, like, dimly lit and da-da-da-da-da. The idea of that sounds mega, but, you know, I only work... I was trying to watch Love Island on Sophia's iPad yesterday and I had to link... I had to hotspot my phone to the iPad. To get it all to work? Oh, my God. So it took me about three hours to do it. I'm literally thick as shit when it comes to this.

34:58Well, I realised if you want a smart home, you need to be smart. You need to marry Bill Gates. Yeah, yeah. Well, for me, it's ridiculous. It's not for me. But the kids know how to do it. All the kids know how to do it. The lights are like, you need to be a brain surgeon. I'm going on a course, and I'm going back on a tech course, because life's leaving me behind. Basically simplified. We've simplified our home. It's a smart, a simply smart home. There's some sort of angle there, a simply smart home. So you can have all this in a simple way. That's what we need. Because it is good, like, you know, creating moods and stuff.

35:45That's great, but it shouldn't be so hard. I think this is a mega relevant contemporary issue. I think a lot of families and couples are facing this. Because also when your internet dies in, let's say, a thunderstorm or something and comes back, everything's disconnected, everything's gone. You start from scratch again. It's such a ball ache, no? I just think bring back the Scotland. Yes. Let's go back to the 90s. Just live there. What was wrong with that? Like, seriously, like... Yeah. Everything's so difficult now, isn't it? Like, even your phone. Like, getting a new phone for me is like... It's just like, you know, trading in one of your kids.

36:20Do you know what I mean? Like, because everything's on it. Well, I don't know my Apple ID, so I'm completely screwed. You're just getting something completely new. There's something that's, like, attached to you. Something you've, you know, like, everything's on here for me. You know, my kids have put their face till I open my phone. Yeah, but the thing is, they're more tech-savvy than we are. You know, it's like face ID. They're on it as well. OK, wait, so, like, they get into your phone using their face? Is that what you're saying? How's that possible? That's insane. Well, they've done it. They've done it somehow.

36:53The other thing is, you know, I don't know if you've seen... Did you see... Have you seen... Oh, you won't have done, but the new Toy Story. We went to watch it out here. That's amazing. Two Story 5. The whole premise of the film's amazing. I'm glad that our kids watched it because it's like the toys are being replaced by devices. They haven't touched their device since. And genuinely, like, I think if you have got kids, I think it's a good thing to go and see. It's a great message. The message is like, you know, their toys are getting sad because they're being replaced by devices and the addiction of...

37:23And the kids are getting sad because they have to, you know, be included in these WhatsApp groups and all that stuff. And then they get all anxious and they forget to play. So they're playing, but they're playing with, you know, the device rather than the actual human. And their interaction is suffering. And they're exhausted and it's really potent message. Do you know what I liked? We were all together with your family and stuff for an England game, England-France, last week. And I noticed the boys did a bit of time on the iPhone and then a bit of time with the actual physical toys. And then I taught them that beer map flipping thing off the edge of a table game.

37:59And it was like... Oh, yeah, that's fun. Oh, so they were learning as well, guys. It was like three generations of games to occupy kids. Physical toys, digital, and the old school pub games. I was like, this is kind of nice. Kids still are open-minded to everything. I thought that was nice. I hate them And which one did they prefer I don't know I think they liked The flipping pub mats And then they started Loving them around The flipping beer mat Yeah The beer mat was the best game Out of all of them Right You think about it Like We're not doing The kind of The games that we You know We need to make Keep these games alive It's like Gary's You know Like Gary's You know We've talked about it On the name Gary Gary's Dying or dead I think you might be The last Gaz that we You might be The youngest Gaz in the world Who calls the baby Gary When it was even in What I'm saying is we need to keep...

38:44She's done me again. It's up there with one of the worst. We need to keep these names alive. Think about how many Garys there are. Like, just on this trip there, we're on Gary Lineker, Gary Neville, Gaz. You know, the podcast world is flooded with these great Garys. Do you know what I mean? Gs? The OGs? The OGs? There's probably loads... Yeah, there's way more Garys knocking around in media and entertainment than I've ever known in any other industry. It's crazy. Well, they're obviously creative, you know. Gary Barlow. Gary Barlow. Gary Barlow. Do you know what? I just think their name wasn't creative, so they made themselves creative.

39:17You know what? There's some truth in that. I back that. Actually, on names, really quickly, you know how Abs, you know how Pete was saying he has trouble saying Peter. He has to go, Peter. Do you have any trouble with Abby or not at all? No, I think it's quite a popular name. I think it's quite popular, yeah. Abby. I hate my name. Well, I don't know how you'd hate that name. I think it's a lovely name. Do you? Really nice name. I wanted to be called Chantelle Alexis Candice. Hang on. Say again. Chantelle Alexis Candice. I know, that's what I used to say when I was a little girl. It's got a vibe to it.

39:56I'd like to be called, like, Gabriela. Well, that's Gabby. It's just your name and the G situation, eh? No, or Arabella. Arabella. Arabella. Sophia. Just, there's so beautiful names. It's only because that's your name. Because then it could be called Bella. Abby's a lovely name. Arabella. Abigail. Abigail. Right, babe, I'm going to give you, this is the World Cup of everything. OK. Apparently this is a trend, gazes across it, it's not my, trends aren't my cup of tea. No shit. World Cup, OK, so this is America versus Britain. All right. British kettle versus the stovetop kettle. Obviously the British kettle.

40:45I actually don't like kettles in general. I'm a Quaker girl. Oh, nice. You know, they are just phenomenal. That, for me, is the biggest, I think that's the most groundbreaking invention of the 21st century. Since the telephone. Yeah, I think it's up there with the telephone, the hot tap. I just love a hot tap. I think it's for a while. Do you know how long you have to wait now? The kettle feels like days now, doesn't it? It's old school. Do you know what they do in the US as well if they don't have any of that? They put cold water in a cup in the microwave and microwave the water. That's how they get their cup of tea.

41:23That's unacceptable. I barely use my microwave. That's unacceptable. I tell you what they don't have, what an absolute ball ache here is when you bring your hairdryer and stuff, it doesn't work. Even with an adapter, the power, like conversion. The wattage, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just so... I've been trying to do my hair with no nozzle all week, and that's why it's like a lion's mane. Frizzy. You think that the power would be good? Well, it is good with their own power, but with ours, it's just... It doesn't translate. Oh, right, OK. I don't know. Oh, does it not? Oh, that's a shame. Go on. OK, portion sizes versus US portion sizes.

42:00Oh, my God. We went to Fat Sal's in LA. We did an eating challenge. Talk about that, Pete. How was that for you, mate? I felt bad for you there. Whoa. Well, he doesn't eat anyway, so... You don't eat big portions. You don't eat big portions. I do. You're not a piggy when you're eating. Well, I'm not a pig. Unlike me. I'm a pig. I had, like, six shoemais last night in 30 seconds. What's a shoemai? I don't know. What's that? I found the most incredible... Dim sum. Dim sum takeaway. So last night I had to pack, so I just got it delivered to the room. shumai, char siu bao, wonton soup. How good was that?

42:42It was good, to be fair. But you get, you know, in the UK, you'd probably get like four shumais in a portion. This was 10. The American portion size is outrageous compared to the UK. Yeah, and I'll be honest with you, I'm not, I don't like leaving food. I don't like leaving food. I think it's not, yeah, I just think it's pretty too much. But I think we learned, like, pretty sharpish, like when we got to the hotel and we ordered breakfast and it's like a side of bacon. It's like a mountain of bacon. So instead of everyone getting a side of bacon, you just get one at the table. So I think you can quickly adapt.

43:17But the portion size is colossal. Someone who's American asked Jack the other day, because he likes bacon, does he prefer American? Because it's very different, English or Danish. That's coming up. That's coming up. That's number four. So maybe hold that thought. Are we saying US wins? Are you saying US beats UK for portion size? No, I'd say UK because you either go fat or you're waist. Yeah, fair enough. Agreed, agreed. Tipping culture. Service included or the obligatory 20 % tip? Well, considering I had to pay a$148 tip for a£870 nail bill yesterday, I am not up for the tip and palaver. I just don't know where I stand, do you know what I mean?

44:0720 % tip for an already nearly£1 ,000 bill to get your nails done. Well, no, that's not right. I'm not accepting. But I think it's good to tip. 100%, but I just don't think for absolutely everything. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So I had a facial the other day here as well. and then it's a 20 % tip on top. Mm. And then I use the LED bed, because obviously I have my LED bed at home, and they, you know, they bloody get you with things. Oh, ma 'am, what I think you need now is to go on the LED bed, and I'm just thinking it's part of the bloody facial. Then that's, like, another$100, and then you've got to tip 20 % on top.

44:48Yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that. I think as Europeans, we all pretty much are aligned on this, which is probably, let's bin that obligatory tip and pay the staff correctly, and then if you like the service, tip them the adequate amount for that. Yeah, but in the UK, the service charge is normally included, isn't it? So there'll be a service charge and then we'd tip on top. Yeah, or it's optional, I suppose. For me, what I discovered on this thing is, if you go out, let's say, you've got a family of, like, how many have you got? Five, six as a family? Six. Basically, 20 % on top of that is an extra child and a half you're paying for at the end of every meal.

45:24Do you know what I mean? So you kind of have to budget that into your night out before you go for that night out. You can't just spontaneously. Do you know what I mean? So what about when you get a pint then at the bar in America? Yeah, you do every single time. A cup of tea, coffee, pint, extra couple of dollar tip. It all adds up. It's pretty outrageous. I don't know. I just don't know where you stand. That's the problem. That's the part that I don't like. Like my golf club, for instance, you're not allowed to tip. Oh, how come? Do you know what I mean? So, well, because there's people there that might go big and it just keeps everyone comfortable.

46:04Do you know what I mean? And then we'll have a massive... You're not allowed to do anything in your frigging golf club, including turning off the bloody air con. Not really. But then they will, at the end of it, they'll, like, we'll have various kind of whip rounds where you put into an account where it's shared out. I have a good idea. So like Christmas or, you know, it might be, you know, the end of summer or whenever. Yeah, but you can tip your caddies, can't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only person you can tip. But everywhere around the kind of state, you have, we kind of have a whip round three times a year.

46:37And do you all put the same amount in? No, and people can put in loads or little whatever you feel. And can you not tip? Yeah, you can. You can not tip. Or you can make it comfortable. You can make it comfortable for yourself. I think, you know, five is fine. I'd just sell them not to eat yellow snow. Just leave a little note, don't eat yellow snow. Never stand up in a canoe. Never use the chocolate fire guard. Never wipe your arse with a broken glass bottle. Jesus. That's one of my dad's favourites. It's a good one, that one. Okay. The English breakfast fry up or the American waffles pancakes?

47:14Fry up. gotta be in it gotta be people being dry and reserved or outwardly upbeat and positive this is a tough one I think it's tough though because there is an element of me that misses the dry the dry kind of you know a little bit of like I don't know sarcasm if you give a random person a compliment in the UK they look at you like you've got three heads or you're going to mug them if you go like Like, oh, my God, you look amazing. They're like, sorry, what? What are you going to do to me? Yeah, they don't buy it. Here they're like, oh, my God. So do you. Have a great day. I do love that. I came out of tennis with Sophia the other day and some ladies walked by and said, you look smoking hot to Sophia.

48:02Sophia. She said to me, she was like, what the hell was that, Dad? And I was like, that's someone being nice, darling. Sophia, you know, when I walk down the street with Sophia, like I'm literally getting stopped every two seconds by people telling her how beautiful she is like it's literally it's it's she is beautiful oh god but yeah there is an element of both I like the sarcastic try leave me alone like if you've got a hangover I like that sometimes if you've got a hangover and you're walking out the door and the guy on the door is like trying to talk and you're like fuck off yeah you have a great day you're like fuck off mate please But having said that, I haven't been out here a long time.

48:45I think that positive mentality outweighs the negative one. Absolutely. Definitely. I think so. I've only been back a few days in the UK. There's a thing about like smiling up. There's like a study, isn't there, about if you smile at someone. Yeah. Just a random person, they smile back. It just makes everyone happy. I always smile at strangers. Yeah. I think there's a real thing about like... It's just you who don't smile. No, I've not. That's so true as well, by the way. It is. That's not a good place to be. I'm joking. Shut up. Not true? It's true, though. I think there's a lot to be said for trying to make people happy.

49:24Do you know what I mean? And it doesn't have to take much. Like, it's a little thing. Like, you look nice or, you know. OK, Dairy Milk versus Hershey's. Dairy Milk. Good. Surely only one winner there. Vocab. Pavement trousers, plasters versus sidewalk pants, band-aids.

49:46Band-aids? I quite like the American one. I like sidewalk. Sidewalk. I'm a fan of sidewalk. Our kids used to say pacifier as well for dummy, didn't they? Pacifier. Really? Pacifier. I think that one's insane. Diaper. Diaper or nappy. Diapers are probably a better word than a nappy. Nappy sounds... I don't know. I don't know about napping. Yeah. But obviously, you could never say it. If I came back from here and said pacifier and diaper, sidewalk, I would be absolutely cold. You'd be hammered, wouldn't you? Vomit or barf. Do you like barf? Marf. Yeah. You know what? I'm skewing US on a lot of these, though.

50:27I can't lie. Maybe it's changed me as a person. You could never say it. You could never say it at home because you get ripped. Hmm. What I've found, actually, and I think as football has probably taken off this country as well, that very few people are saying soccer to me. They're saying football. Well, I went to the slime museum the other day and you could pick a charm to put in the slime. And I said, can I have a football? And they gave me that, like, rugby ball thing. And I was like, no. She went, oh, you mean a soccer ball? Rugby ball. An American football. American football, yeah. And I said, no, I mean...

51:03A soccer ball. A soccer ball. Did you have to say soccer ball? Yeah. Because I've said, like, you know, if someone says to me, they'll say something like, oh, you're a basketball player. I'll get that quite a lot out of here. And I'll say, no, I'm a soccer player. Oh, ick. You're not a soccer player, though? No, I say I'm a football player. And if they look like, no, that can't be right, I'm like, no, I'm a soccer player. Then they're even more confused because they're like, soccer? Like that? Soccer? You look like that? I can't get right around that. Can't get rid of the fact that I do look like this.

51:38I do kick a ball around. You don't anymore. I used to. Still can, by the way. LFC legends. Oh, my God. We're going to see LFC on Wednesday. They're playing at the Yankee Stadium against Wrexham. Against Wrexham? Oh, God. That would be a good game, that. That would be a great game. I was on the phone to Lucinda then, and she was like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, we're going to the Hamptons for a few days. And then we're coming back, and we're going to watch LFC. and she went, who's LFC? It is a bit weird to say that. I've never heard of her. And I was like, what do you mean? I was like, Liverpool Football Club.

52:14And she went, oh God, I thought you meant some kind of rapper or something. Some rapper. Have you seen that thing during the rounds of it was Pharrell at the World Cup final? Oh yeah, he called him AKA Rocky. AKA Rocky. And it was Pharrell, wasn't it? It was ASAP Rocky. No, but he went AKA Rocky. Do you know what's killing me? I was thinking there. So I was thinking, who's... You're not going to believe this. Why was he guessing? But you're not going to believe this. So when I landed in New York, it was the semi-final, and England were playing. So we got on this big SUV. I'm checking.

52:49That's just it. Yeah, it's good. I liked it. So we got on this SUV, and it had the screens, and it was a... The match was on live, and it was an American commentator, and they kept calling one of the players, Foden, So I said to Pete, is Foden, have they brought Foden in, like for the semis? And Pete was like, Foden is not playing. Pete was like, you're getting mixed up. I was like, I'm not getting mixed up. The commentator is calling a player who is near the goal. So it would be a scorer for England. I love abs, diagnosis. The way you break down football. Well, whatever, an upfront person. Whatever they're called.

53:28And they were calling him Foden every single time. And I didn't record it. There was people who were like, no, you're getting it wrong, you're getting it wrong, but the guy was getting it wrong. He was an American commentator saying Foden, and I would love if we could find this and if someone could write in and clarify this to me because it was happening. OK, so during the semi-final, they were calling him Foden. They were calling a player Foden, and it wasn't Foden. OK. I reckon the internet will find this for us. OK. They'll do their job. I agree. Good spot. OK, so this is a tough one. OK. I don't know if you...

54:06It's a cheeky Nando's or an In-N-Out burger. Now, have you had an In-N-Out burger? I don't think you have. No, but I'm not a burger girl. Yeah, until you've had this In-N-Out burger. I'm up to there with food. I'm literally up to there, guys, with food. Because I'm half pig, half human. So this portion-sized thing, there's no waste on my table. So I'm full to the brim. I'm going to go controversially. I'm going to go In-N-Out burgers better than Nando's. OK. I can't possibly comment because I haven't had one, but I could have. I mean, this is a really wanky comment. I like a sloppy burger, though.

54:43I don't want it dry. It's quite fresh. It's cheesy. I like cheese. It's a cheesy one. But this is a really wanky comment. But I played Bel Air golf club, right? But there was a burger on... You know, when you're in a halfway hut, and it was the best burger I've ever had in my life, bar none, easily. The Bel Air country club? Yeah, Bel Air country club, yeah. And I think anyone who's played it will tell you it's an amazing golf course. I mean, what an experience to play there. But also, the burger on the 10th is absolutely phenomenal. But with regards to this question, I'm going, this is in and out for me.

55:25Okay, I'm going to finish off with UK sports versus US sports. Okay. Why don't you tell me, name me three UK sports. Football, rugby and cricket. Name me three American sports. American football, baseball and basketball. Yes. So basically, in my opinion, cricket is baseball, boring. Good, yeah. American football is rugby, boring. Good, yeah. and football is soccer, which half decent. Half decent? We get half decent now. No, because, you know, we had the pleasure of going to the final and it was just phenomenal. The atmosphere... We thought you'd spoken about that. No, I thought we could do that on the AMA.

56:14Yeah, let's do it. Save it for next week. Can I give you my opinion? Because I've been out here for a long time and I've kind of watched all of it, really. The US stuff. I went to play baseball, which I actually really, really enjoyed. We went to one of those machines where they were whacking it out. Brilliant. Good fun. We were in L.A. when the New York Knicks won the series or whatever, you know, the playoffs. It was... That was amazing. Watching that live was phenomenal. Like, it was the last play. They had five seconds left. And when he tipped it in, I think it was the second-to-last game.

56:50What is this, basketball? Basketball, yeah. I'd love to see that. It was... It just... The buzz was... I've never seen him like it. and then I was like, oh my God, is this normal? I looked and then I said, no, this is like incredible. And obviously the Knicks, I don't think they won it for 30 years, so for them to win, it was, these American sports, I'm not into them, I've not been into them, but having been over here, genuinely I would watch them again now. I would love to see that, but you said the season was over by the time we arrived here. It's a shame. But I've seen basketball in the UK as well, where Sophia used to swim in ACS.

57:27They've got a court there and I've watched a few kids playing, like probably young men, like 20, and it was amazing. And Guildford as well. Do you enjoy it? Yeah, I do. It's good. It's exciting, the basketball. I think it's cool. Does it beat UK sports for you? Well, I think, if you're going to say, like for me, I know cricket, like I didn't really grow up with cricket. Me neither. But I respect it now. I do go. I've been to Lourdes a couple of times and I do respect it. I think, obviously, football beats American football for me. Obviously. Basketball's good, though. Although I met a fabulous guy, a friend of yours, Stu.

58:10He played for Bolton and he played against you for USA. Stu Holden, yeah. Yeah, he works for Fox and me. He's great. So Stu and I went to the Slime Factory together with the kids. We've got kids at the same age. his wife was having a rest because she was like me about to murder her children so Pete was working so we went and he was showing me pictures of you and him playing against each other the boys couldn't believe it could they and he was fab they live in LA but yeah I think the there seems to be a lot more excitement around the American sport I don't know if that's just because of the positive nature of people here.

58:54And it's glam. And you're seeing Beyonce in the crowd and this. Even the commentary is a lot more excitable. The English commentary is very, very dry. But having said that, there is something special about... And also, there is something special about the nature of certainly football where we hate each other, the two sets of teams. And it's nice to have interaction. and sit all mixed. I like that as well. But I also like hating the people that I'm playing against. There's something special about that. And I think that's what separates our sports. So what are you saying? Like fans in America sit together?

59:36I just think it's a little bit less. The more on the fence? Not even that, no. Because they've got your team and you've got your team. There's a rivalry. It's a healthy rivalry. Whereas I quite like an unhealthy rivalry. Like those man c***s.

59:55Outrageous. Very good, very good. OK, well, listen. That concludes that episode. Exactly. Oh, God, but listen, you know, that's a true Scouser. Oh, well, OK. Well, obviously, I suppose we'll see you next time. See you next time.

1:00:19We'll be right back.

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