HALF TERM BEST OF: The Jellyfish Incident! Erotic Books, Nickname Chaos & Abby’s Secret Sex Symbol Status!

0:00Are you at all worried about Abby being your kids version of Stifler's mom? one out to Abby you're a sex symbol babe a sex symbol? are you fucking joking? I don't even like saying these words we really are a therapy sex therapy you better believe it baby

0:22guys if you're loving this content hit that subscribe button now because we need your help hello and welcome to the therapy couch let us know what you think Abby's trotters out of 10 I got 10 on wicky feet you did you know I don't know it's quite a big it's a big big toe for a female yeah but I'm tall so I need and it's like it's like a tree with a small root yeah it's no good it doesn't work no I agree I agree agreed how are we I will put them away then I do not want to lose I like your feet I think your feet are lovely no because it's weird you touching my feet why is it we're all friends now it's a therapy crouched family now isn't it 100 % I think we're fine the views need to skyrocket or drop off there's a lot of perverts out there who love feet I'm not feet don't make me sick I don't mind feet no I can take them or leave some people are really offended by feet aren't they I sucked Lucinda's big toe didn't I just a bit much I'm on sugar mate's toe just coming home in a taxi all pissed in Ibiza and she was I was in the front and her feet were through and I threw the middle and I just put her whole foot in my mouth but her feet are like that big Gail's feet are alright To be fair But I wouldn't put a lads Toe in my mouth Oh fuck that Oh yeah No way they've been No no The hairy toe Do you know I just wanted to ask a question Ross You Like These cameras obviously They were set up this morning Like before So I got up about 6am this morning right And I noticed There's a few little There's a few little weights Weighing this table down I came in and done some exercises At 6am in the morning Okay, but what I want to know is, what I want to know is, why did you come in here and look behind the couch?

2:07No, I knew, I could see them, I saw them there the other day and I thought, oh, look, I've got some weights in the house. Some weights there, great, I'll come in and do some exercises. And then I thought to myself, this morning I woke up at 6am, no one was off, I thought I'll come in here. Then I thought to myself, I was doing all my exercises, doing loads of stuff just in here, this little bit. Then I thought, I wonder if these cameras are on.

2:31i shit myself and go fuck they're gonna be all over social my morning routine why did you not just do it in the house because the weights are in here and i thought it's nice and private like you know everyone were you in the mirror no i didn't go in the mirror i did love to have a laugh i didn't yeah i was totally naked but i didn't look in the mirror

2:58for me that is really disturbing what i've got i've got a husband i go to bed with you and wake up you've got up come out of our house gone into the garden into the pod room all while i'm asleep if this was not a studio that's making me realize Whereas daddy did leave home. The secret life of Peter. Daddy did leave home that time. Oh yeah.

3:25If I had something to hide, I wouldn't have brought it up. Exactly, yeah. For the millions of people around the world that listen to this podcast. And if this was a home gym, that would not be a weird thing at all. No, it's totally fine. You just turned the studio into a home gym, essentially. I thought it was a great idea because I saw them there and I thought I could do loads of bits and pieces. How many kgs are they? I was doing some stretching. They're four and a half kgs. no you can do loads at 12 by the way it would have been more exercise but there's lots of stuff you could do and i was doing lots of bits of you would have done more exercise running down the stairs make me a cup of tea you were still snoring i knew i had another hour and a half she's on the orthopedic pillow was i snoring no because i knew i had you know i was able to get the kids just from school take them to school come back and you'd still be asleep this leading joke has got to stop when it's not true you hate that I do hate it I guess what the risk is made I don't like it because only because there's a slight element of truth to it because I say to the kids get ready and they're like no is that through an age and should be getting ready and on as well but when dad does it they do it they don't listen to me I love a long neck is my neck wrong or not no is it not so it's a normal neck normal yeah like my ajama's got a long neck yeah it's just so elegant I know what you mean on a it does look elegant on a lady on a lady yeah yeah that is a thing a nice neck yeah I love I've got a short neck you haven't stop making it I love you I've got a really short neck sucking it in as well and swallowing I'd like my neck to be longer would you yeah yeah won't be able to get that done yeah with all of the other stuff that's the next treatment oh I did that in the gym the other day just know the bar just held the bar oh to the body click to everything yeah and you just hang the bar I've been doing it every day now you know for my posture you've noticed he does this every morning I've got to demonstrate it's good to know it's good to open things out I just walk into the bathroom for anyone who's not watching our abby's on currently on all fours and we'll leave it at that I've stretched my back off just realised that you know like because I'm so tall getting to the age now where my posture's important got a bit of a hump going on I think I could potentially be quasi yeah so I'm trying to I'm trying to counteract that but I've got terrible posture no it's because I'm ducking through doors on a regular basis I talk to people I bend down 100 % I'm slightly worried you know I had scans recently you know like a full body thing which was amazing I have to say just a little MOT a little MOT yeah you know thankfully we were able to do that and did it and you know all my vital organs are good I'm quite healthy unfortunately got longer to wait for that will longer to wait till I can sell that golf membership basically I'm good to go but there are there's a slight curvature of the spine which I think is to be expected if you're I think so I think so yeah so anyway it's not curvature of the spine Pete that's the wrong term whatever it is curvature of the spine is like scoliosis you've got you've got compressed discs because of posture related okay yeah because I'm so tall I think doors speaking to people everything's bending down no because I've got a microphone I can't bend down I'll put my nose on it I'm trying to trying to do it another way but yeah basically I think that's you know I think someone in my height that's pretty normal that's what I would expect but I do have to try and counteract it so I am trying to counteract it taking positive steps so any weekly wines for me sausage weekly wines mine would be basically like we're trying to do a project at the moment right yeah but I don't feel like you can think about anything else so for instance I'll come home you'll be talking on the phone about it yeah and then you'll get off the phone and talk to me about it and you haven't I can see yeah I'm not present at that are you going to like ride Zilla but for like not a web yeah I'll be talking about something else and I know you're not listening.

7:43It's even like... I know how it feels. Yeah, welcome to where I'm out. There's just a bit of uncertainty. There's a feeling of uncertainty at the moment for us. And I just want to... I can't settle until everything's done. And I know what we're doing. It's the same with like planning my sister's hen. Like, I know there's been a few side groups to say like, Abby's not going to be sending us 7 million messages just from now till the end of May, is she? But I am like, once I'm in, I'm in. You're not very good at that, are you? Because what I've realised, that footballers in general, right, it's not just me, deal with chaos really well.

8:22And what I mean by that is we live in it. Like you like organisation, you need to know what's going on. What we did, me and Joe, we flew to Zurich, right, and we were doing something for TNT and we were promoting the Winter Olympics, right? So we went skiing and we did some curling. I need to see this content. It is amazing and it will be amazing. But stay tuned for it. But when we got on the plane, me and Joe were like, when we landed, because obviously everything's been sorted for us. Yeah. Yeah, but that's what I do, Cliff. When we landed, we were like, where are we? And I went, I'm not sure.

8:58I knew we flew into Europe. I knew that. But then I thought, obviously you can drive to, you can go Switzerland, France, yeah kind of you know people are talking german yeah and i said to him do you know where we are

9:16i'm not proud of it but yeah but you know we both didn't have a clue where we were the funniest thing is i forgot to tell you when um when you were on that um trip i bumped into joe's wife and andrew martin the same day she said oh yeah the boys have got i said i've got no a bloody idea where he is because he doesn't tell me anything. Neither of us. We didn't know either. I just remember Pete rummaging at like 5am to find his ski pants. Yeah, that'll be nice. He's like, why don't you just freaking do this the night before or tell me and I'll get it all ready for you. Yeah. I'm not as sharp the night before because I don't, I know I've got loads of time.

9:52Whereas, do you know what I mean? There's a weird logic to that. I get you. If I wake up in the morning and go, right, I've got to get this done. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm on it. Yeah. I just go, oh there's a pair of pants and then I'll go and watch for half of football yeah see we're going away with the kids for the weekend yeah and Monday I was packed a week in advance that gives me no no I couldn't do that I couldn't live like that that's so much better because that's it's done and then you don't have to think about it again I don't think about it it's not like what do you mean through the week until it's there in front of me that's what I'm doing like no concern of no concern I'll live my life that week regardless like okay so my point is what does what do you think about then all day like because I don't know because I'd tell you right now everything I ask you to think about you don't the thing things that you're doing you don't think about so what do you think about I think about lots of different things I'm always thinking about things but just you know that wouldn't concern me that's a night before the job no that's because it's done for you no No, if I have to pack my own bag.

11:01Flick it round. I don't have that luxury of switching off because it's me who organises everything and I'm not complaining. I actually like that job. But sometimes it would be nice for you to alleviate some of this worry from me. Yeah, no, I agree. I'm happy to... When he's saying he's trying to get better, don't you say not to start a problem? Yeah, but also the bag situation. Is this what you're talking about, the bag? I don't want you to pack bags. I'll do that. I'm just talking about just life. Yeah, but what... You know, I'm always planning stuff for us to do. Yeah. I always try and I always say what do you want to do this do you want to do that should we do this I don't want the question I just want you to say we're doing this yes daddy no no no yeah and also you don't want to do that you do absolutely do not I will I love doing that nothing would create a pleasure but the minute it's my decision the minute it's wrong yeah so I have to involve you so you know about it so you're comfortable this little dog with what we're going to do no interest no fucking interest honestly let's go let's go I hope you read this out on the podcast my old man sent it to me he's 74 next time you think you're having a rough day at work spare a thought for this bloke I like it with you Bob is a commercial saturation diver working for global divers in Louisiana carrying out underwater repairs on offshore oil rigs fuck that Oh my God, that's so dangerous.

12:28Fuck about it. I read that as sanitation divers. As saturation. Yeah. Okay. God, I thought that could have been a much worse job. I mean, it's bad enough anyway, isn't it? These get paid a lot because it's so dangerous, don't they? Yeah, they do. Danger money. Yeah. He emailed this story to his sister who sent it to a radio station running a worst job experience competition. She won. Bob explains that his office, I've heard about this job, I mean, it's his mentor, isn't it? It's the bottom of the sea where he works in a wetsuit. To keep warm, divers use diesel-powered water heater that draws in seawater, heats it, and pumps it down through a hose into the suit.

13:08Yep. Effectively turning it into a floating jacuzzi. He'd done this many times without issue until one day when his backside started to itch. When he scratched it, the itch quickly turned into a burning sensation. Oh, no. The heater had sucked up a jellyfish. and pumped it into his suit. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. So how far down is he? Far down, far, far, far down. The bottom. Seabed's the seabed. I've been to the seabed. Have you? Yeah. Under the sea. I have. Remember when we went scuba diving and we both couldn't regulate? We were just lying on the bottom of the ocean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've talked about this before, but you know, we went scuba diving and we was in Ibiza, believe it or not.

13:55I don't think it's known for scuba diving. But Ab was panicking with the guy, kept saying up, up, up. And my one, I just couldn't regulate. So you know, with the tank, you alleviate pressure to go up and down, basically, don't you? Yeah. And when I went down, I was scraping my face. My mask was just scraping the bottom of the sea. Oh. So that's how deep I was. And then when I went up, I was getting frustrated. I was just on the top of the... So I was either on the floor bed or above. And Ab was just panicking. So what happened to this guy then? Did he get stung alive? He's like 50 to 300 metres down.

14:30So, okay. I mean, there's jellyfishes in his suit. With nothing else to cling to, the jellyfish ended up lodged in the crack of his arse. Scratching only made things far worse. When Bob radioed the dive supervisor, the response was difficult to make out as everyone was laughing uncontrollably. The dive was immediately aborted. After several painful decompression stops and a long wait. Bob finally surfaced wearing nothing but his helmet. The medic, still laughing, handed him a tube of cream and told him to apply it as soon as possible. The pain eventually eased that Bob couldn't go to the toilet for two days due to the swelling.

15:10So next time you have a bad day at work, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? And remember, it was a bad day for the jellyfish as well. Funny. Funny, funny, funny. That's a brilliant email, that, isn't it? I don't like being underwater. I don't like jellyfish, yeah. I don't like jellyfish. No, I don't think anyone does. They look nice. Yeah, I saw one of those massive ones in my orca ones, like the Man of War ones, and I was on a paddleboard. I was thinking, if you fell off this, mate, you'd be absolutely, they can kill you. I remember I jumped off a cliff once. Do you remember that? Remember that?

15:43It was five in the morning, to be fair. Five in the morning. Terrible time to jump off a cliff. I don't advise this, please. But it was a safe cliff. It was because you were up early. We were up early, yeah. We'd just come back from a club and I'd be there. We'd literally just come back from the club. And awful, you know, what was I doing? No idea. But I did. And as I went down, it wasn't that high. Just a little, you know, I thought I'd have a little swim. Jumped. And the minute I jumped, I saw thousands of jellyfish. Thousands of them. Oh, my. Did you get stung? All over my body. Really? Yeah, yeah.

16:16Just my whole body. How painful is it? Yeah, it was just itchy. Jack got stunned by it and Johnny Fish yeah tried to get Ab to wee on me

16:29was this before I left the beach you're supposed and then I jumped to the beach well if you're not going to do that I'm going for a swim what's the matter if you're so frigid go for a swim

16:46hello all happy Tuesday I couldn't help but let you know myself and my boyfriend travelled from Dublin to London on Saturday to watch the West Ham and Sunderland match. Our flight landed early, so we had some time to kill before the match. Whilst in the West Ham shopping centre, while coming down the escalator, there was a man standing in front of me with Abby as his lock screen on his phone. What the fuck? One of her photographs in black and white. I was at West Ham and gay. What the hell? One of his... Surely it wasn't me. I was at the game. I know you wasn't. I was at the game. No, you weren't in West Ham and Sunderland match.

17:18No, it certainly wasn't. One of her photos in black and white, to be precise I turned to my boyfriend and told him and we had a good laugh at it fast forward we arrive at London Stadium and we're having a look around the club shop when my boyfriend says there's Peter Crouch I thought he was ripping the piss as he knows I'm a fan of the pod but we'd just seen some Abby on some clown's phone half an hour ago funny enough it actually was you and to say I nearly had a stroke as an understatement except I really wished it was Abby great win for the Hammers all the same I don't care really but my boyfriend does oh it's a fella a fella screensaver yeah what a perv in westfield and also come on no you're not wrong that's what you landed on exactly i don't know why you'll find that funny i don't know i don't find it funny at all you you're my screen there we go i think he's doing great good luck to him good good to him great oh listen you fit on you like Like, you know, if you're a single man, you want to look at a nice female.

18:19Brilliant. Then you are a good-looking female. I think that's weird to have... Nah, that's a common point. It depends on all of you. It's more of a school boy thing, I would say, isn't it? He's not going to be school age. He's got to be at 40 plus, isn't he? No, it's... No, not at all. But it's a strange one. Which is weird. Yeah. It's a bit of a strange one. But, you know, back in the day, I think there was lots of, you know, like people would put posters up. I wasn't allowed posters. You're a sex symbol, babe. you know you are a sex symbol you're a sex symbol you know oh my god are you fucking joking I'm not you are I'm not a sex symbol I'd love to be but now I feel like if I posted myself in a pair of knickers now I'd be like what the hell are you doing get back to the kitchen put your ribbon on and your fleece doesn't can right this is a good time to hear from our sponsors whilst you're doing that I will be reading this the good girl effect his praise is forbidden his touch is irresistible.

19:16You filthy bitch. Sounds like you piece of... Now hit subscribe, will ya? I know you love that nickname game. Oh yeah. And you know our little therapy crowd chat, happy birthday to you. Loads of our listeners. We've been inundated, mate. I've been inundated. Well, there's a load here. I do like these, so please keep them coming in. Okay, this one here. Hi, my three amigos. I feel like you're my mates. Loving the nickname game. Best one I heard was Mumbo because the lad's mum had BO. Mumbo. Mumbo. Mumbo. Oh, my God. I'm a mum. Where's Mumbo today? That's terrible. Mumbo. No way. That is unbelievable.

20:01I love that. Jesus Christ. Bungalow, not an upstairs. Keep doing what you're doing. You guys are the highlight of my week. I love the nickname game, you know. We also had a mate called Pug, because he looked like Captain Pugwash. I love you, Constance. guys keep being the best out there uh phoebe from north hans uh we've got a lad in the club what club pothole because everyone avoids him

20:29that's so sad oh my god that is unreal you imagined I wanted a game you've got San Marino you've got Bungalow San Marino yeah and the Clans which is not a thing everyone calls me the Clans I don't know who one person called me the nickname game is phenomenal isn't it on the Peter Crouch man bat man bat there's some crackers in there Sniper's Nightmare James Pond yeah oh my god 006 was it what was the other one Rigatoni that was a good one Rigatoni Pastor, his nickname is Puckys and Brickham, worked on oil rigs, his name is Tony. So his name is Brickham Tony, called him Pastor. Me dad's got a mate called Bumplug.

21:18I know. I know, Bumplug. Hysterical. So many crackers. What was the other one? Sniper's Nightmare. Sniper's Dream, wasn't it? No, Sniper's Nightmare was the one next one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Jetpack Joe when he cuddles his bed. Jetpack Joe. Do you know what Jetpack Joe? No. He's a little fella. When he spoons his missus, it's like a little jetpack. Jetpack Joe. Who said that? Someone wrote in. Someone wrote in and says his missus is a lot bigger than him. And he's like, jetpack Joe. Jetpack Joe. There's more. Great. Hi, guys. Hope this finds you all fit and well. Listened to a podcast the other day.

21:59Love the nickname game. Reminded me of a great one I heard on another pod. It was a family who had an auntie nickname Clit. obviously whilst growing up they had no idea to the meaning but on getting older put two and two together and realised it was because because her name was Joy Button Joy Button Her name was Joy Button? Yeah That's disgusting I thought her name was going to be like Colette and the kids couldn't say it Joy Button Joy Button that's hysterical oh my god I hope this makes it your podcast the children only think I'm inappropriate and haven't and haven't shared it with them yet so this would be amazing ah Kay from Hexham great banter ah what nickname cracker I'm trying to think of anyone any nicknames no we got some some crackers I was watching today and enjoyed the nickname chat I remembered a good a couple of good ones that I thought I'd share rice paper can see right through them MasterCard always taking credit for other people's work a glove box full of shit and can't shut them that's funny shut them up glove box is a belt of meat glove box full of shit full of shit and can't shut them up uh Slinky every time you look at them you want to push them down the stairs

23:40oh christ oh i love the chat makes me laugh out of love that was from mave that one oh one more there's one more guy at work we call cordless you can only get him to work for about Up to Alice. That's funny.

24:00Happy birthday, Pete. Happy birthday. I do. Thanks for yours to you. They really make me. I do love them. Please keep them coming in. Yeah, keep them coming in. There's crackers there. Yeah. Babe, you know we wanted to get our... We wanted to become the new Richard and Judy, basically. We do look vaguely similar to them. You're very Richard-esque, and I could be a young Judy. Youngish, Judy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. He's got fabulous head of hair. He really has. He really has. Listen, if I look anything like Richard. You take Richard all day long with him. All day, all day. Looks great to see you.

24:34Yeah. I think you look like Clop. Well, you know, I don't mind Cloppy. Oh, yeah, I'd see you in a pair of specs. Pair of bins. Oh, yeah, that's a good shout out. He's so Clop. That'd be a good fancy dress party for you, actually, Clop. Oh, yeah. I put the bins on before, haven't I? And the long jacket. And the cap. We'd had a few drinks and I had a Liverpool cap, long jacket and some bins on and it was quite uncanny i miss him do you there's plop but yeah you know so we've basically we've got a couple of books and i i reckon i'd love you to read some extracts from this uh jamie and and ross and the boy and chris here they've been um they've been reading through this so the pages are a bit sticky it's highly erotic it's disgusting but it's because it's valentine's day coming up we have we have been giving book recommendations out yeah but now i think you know that what's it called erotic literature erotic literature yeah it's a thing it's a vibe at the moment i actually like a little raunchy book yeah i know you do but a lot of women do you know like i got i got i got absolutely hung out to dry when i was you know having a peek at the incredible gold whereas that is absolutely disgusting these girls some of the stuff that you read on here yeah but you know why because most people it goes down to the you know the neglect from husbands most women but no husband wants to neglect them in that way if I suggested yeah if I suggested to you I've built a little dungeon downstairs yeah so I'll be waiting down there right put on a little dress and get yourself down there right you go shut up you dick I'll be the one with the Gipmus I'll be there all night I'll be the one at the Jürgen Club

26:17but you know this mysterious man of mystery you know in the good girl effect the good girl effect written by Sarah Kate Zara Kate best-selling author USA Today by the way this I mean this is all like it's all about like what I'm saying is you know give us a chance I can be this guy we don't really want to do it we want to be in our fleece dressing gowns with our strawberry body butter with a nice cup of tea in a slice of Vicky Sponge. Nice. Would you like to read an extract of this? Sorry, before it just goes back to, I know you said men don't want to neglect women in that way. That is true. But when I've spoken to sex therapists on Exhibit A, not just in general.

27:05Once a week. Yeah, once a week. How do I get this fucker off my back? Literally. the thing is women women women do not like having no physical touch and i'm not i'm not saying like raunchy stuff just a hand a hand held a little rub on the leg a little when you walk past a little cuddle with and go straight into you know what yeah you have to be tactile throughout the I don't know why you're telling me this. I'm not telling you. I do that to you all day, every day. I'm not saying about you. I'm not saying you. I know, I'm just saying. You're fine. I'm just standing in my corner. You're too tactile, right?

27:45Okay. Okay now. Mr. Tickle. Big long arms. Mr. Tickle. So if there was more of that and more, you know, being aware of a woman's needs and, you know, giving her more attention throughout the day, throughout the week, blah, blah, blah. sex lives would dramatically improve. And we have got an expert on next week. We do, we do. Alice Fox, she's great. Oh, what a name. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, Faxie Cleopatra. But in the meantime, women like a little bit of erotic literature. I'm going to read you a little thing. So again, this is The Good Girl Effect by the US Today bestselling author, Sarah Keat.

28:28First, he drapes a blindfold over my eyes. and I love the way it feels as the anticipation and relaxation wash over me before moving away he whispers you know the rules tell me if anything hurts and just say stop if you need a break see I don't like all this pleasure pain nonsense yeah but it seems to be selling yeah yesterday there must be a huge market out there for it there is it's not for me not for me I don't want to read that section don't want to it's raunchy this book you know we've had a flick we had a good long discussion about it before you arrived I nod without responding just like I used to a moment later his lips press against mine and then he turns me lengthways over the bench guides me to my back lifts my feet onto the surface what position's that there?

29:14fuck me she puts it on her back feet feet how could alright hang on he turns me lengthways demonstrate with lengthways like that like this yeah okay get lengthways get that well I'm not gonna do it myself he did guides me on my back lifts my feet onto the surface yeah yeah then i hear him kneeling in front of me i savor the silence between us it's comfortable like it always is and he starts to bind my ankles together no thanks and i try to discern which technique he's using a basic double column i assume i try to guess where he's going with each tie as he finishes deciding if it'll be it'll be a fog tie or a futamono and things i've learned in my spare time research on top of what we're doing here after my wrists are bound jack brings my knees to my chest with the sensation of vulnerability and exposure there's a pulse in my core knowing exactly what awaits me once he's fully he has me fully bound he wraps my bound arms around my leg so i'm tied into a ball how do you feel he asks well I'd I'd hate that so she's basically like this yeah she's in a fetal position what's that all about oh my god no I don't know but you know we'll say some of the writing there does keep you on tender hooks yeah the anticipation there oh my god what not is she going for oh not the scouts so he basically basically all he's done is lie her down and then fold her into a ball tie her up that is mad it's just jokes for different folks though but there'll be some people out there going that is a bit of me that is a bit of me honestly can't be asked but me no fuck that no no but tune in next week tune in next week listen I think there's a there's a place for this you know you reading extracts maybe we can get our listeners to give us some book recommendations doesn't all have to be raunchy can be funny can be yeah let us know lifestyle We'll read an extract out.

31:21Or if you're an author, you know. You want to get on the pod? You want to get on the pod? Well, you know, this is Peter and Abby's book club. Love it. It might not catch on. I thought that was a boring section. Yeah, well, there's unboring sections. I'll go straight back in there if you want. I didn't think you'd want to read those ones. Honestly, some of them are phenomenal. Go on, please. I had a little go after. I mean, you can go anywhere. You literally can go anywhere. I'll get it for you it's mad how it's so like shocking to a man but like not to a woman um

31:58stop it I berate myself trying to carry on with my normal night routine before going to sleep by the time I finish brushing my teeth my cock has managed to soften to a manageable state I'm a monster

32:14fuck me I don't know what the hell here's a bit of literature for the flight peak you're not reading that are you from the last culture I wouldn't mind it why does peak you go in the bathroom I'm still waiting to finish this bloody damn brown book yeah that's all I hear about we still haven't finished it yeah it's unreal really that's the fucking secret he's switched to audio I had to switch to audio so he can close his eyes yeah you'll be able to do it on the plane as well actually that's a good shout actually yeah good point I'll finish it yeah so ladies It's a big market for that, isn't it?

32:46I remember, you know, years ago, what was it, Jilly Cooper? Yeah. Back in the day. Oh, yeah, I read one of theirs, Tackle. Yeah, that's right, yeah. They're usually about polo players and stuff like that. Oh, I love a polo player. Is the one who wrote that Rivals, the TV show that came out? Yeah, that's right, yeah. It's a bit like posh porn, isn't it, that, isn't it? Yeah, it's like now, isn't it? Is it Wuthering Heights that's out or whatever? Yeah. You know, I'm sure it's Bridgerton. It's the same old vibe. Bridgerton's a bit raunchy, isn't it? Oof. Yeah. See, I prefer like a hint. Yeah, innuendo.

33:19A hint of it. I don't really want to see that. Yeah. Is that bad? It's all about the, let your mind fill in the gaps. Yeah. Yeah. Not his throbbing cock when softer because he's a monster. Madness. All right, team. I joined the gym to work on myself. And there's a bloke who goes at the exact same time as me, uses every machine I want and grunts like he's given birth. We now have an unspoken beef. He doesn't know it, but I do. I change my routine to avoid him and somehow I still end up next to him every time. Do I change gyms, change times, or accept that this man is my villain origin story? I would love it, right, if there's an email right under it that says, there's this amazing girl at the gym.

34:09Hey guys, I think she really likes me. Every time I'm on a machine, she seems to come over. I look at me weights every time, and I'm really laughing, she does. Every time I cry, I feel like she looks over. I think I might give it a shot. Should I have to spot me? Yeah. Should I? I'm really embarrassed, a bit shy, but do you think I should go for it? She's banging to me. He definitely, I genuinely think, he thinks, yeah. That's what, that's exactly what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She can't fucking stay away. This time I've heard the gym all over me goes the same time every day. All over me. Trying to get my food on every machine.

34:51She's right hovering around. Fucking book. It's hysterical. But that unspoken beef thing is a thing. So is. Because I had a phone call with someone the other day. And it was just beef. It was just pure beef going on. Yeah. Microaggressions. It's everything. And I was a bit like, and then I was given beef back. but like you know isn't it funny yeah it's like I suppose if you like say you book a hotel room or something like that and someone's very much like nothing available in that day well you got so then you try and like what did you mean is not even in you know the other bit no I've just said that didn't I yeah there's nothing 100 % yeah you're like whoa who are you talking about if you were to kind of put a transcript on it and like it's hard to explain like no I don't know Even if you don't have a look.

35:43Let me have a look in that bit. Yeah, but I think there's loads. I think I was going through the airport the other day and it's like, that one, as I said, is the one that gets me. That's a bad quote, isn't it? Can I put that under there? Do I need to take this out? As I said, yes, take it out. I can't bear, as I said. Trigger. As I said. Anyone who says, as I said, please stop it. A personal shopper I use does the old as I said to me all the time. And I'm like... That's not even passive. You know, people say passive-aggressive. That's just aggressive. As I said. As I said. As I said, no, you can't.

36:22I'm 50 % of the scale.

36:26Okay. Is this for sale here? As I said, no. I wouldn't dream of saying as I said to someone, would you? I don't think I've ever said that. No way. No way. No, I wouldn't. Because it does make you go, As I said Some people are just frosty Like a Barbie Naturally they are I think I'm naturally The other way I'm over friendly Not like a bad way But you know what I mean On the phone Someone oh yeah Oh thanks very much for your help I really appreciate that I'm like that as well Some people are just Okay yeah I touched someone the other day And they nearly jumped In the fucking air Did they? You know I was like Oh thanks Touched them Oh Bet you I don't Gen Z's That's the Gen Z's Is it?

37:02Can't you touch Gen Z's? I don't know Do you not? Or something is really I think up north with a bit more tactile like oh thanks love life on for that whereas like down here I love a good hug yeah what I found as well like certain jobs are you know I think it's almost in the remit to be gnarly yeah yeah yeah like airport security foreign passport control yeah yeah yeah has anyone ever gone hi how's y 'all have they been and they're all chilled up as well you're looking forward to it you're looking forward to it get yourself in there obligado you say that though Pete you never have that because wherever we go in Europe they're all like people grouch and then they're all like oh yeah to be fair I get the odd one like that if they recognise me but no if they don't recognise you I get step back from the line miss yeah New York get off your phone New York's a bad one yeah I flew through Texas and that was the exact same thing as that and like the guns I don't like guns yeah like I don't like guns they freak me the fuck out when someone's you're naturally they're one of the big ones I can't even do clay pigeon shooting yeah and just I don't want to hold a gun.

38:05Me neither. And it goes so bang on, you're acting like you're guilty of something. Because I'm just thinking, he's got a fucking gun, he could kill me here. And then he's like, are you okay, sir? And all that. And you're like, oh. Taser. Yeah. I just think, if you do work in passport control, then I think, just let's have a little smile on the way in. Have a day off. Go push yourself. Get in that bed upstairs with that girl. All right, let's move on. Please keep me anonymous. It's quite a delicate situation. I've been listening to the pod since you guys started it, and I love it. I always agree with the advice that you give listeners, and I love listening to all your stories, which gets me through a long day at work with the laptop.

38:46Anyway, this is the sitch. I've been with my... I imagine this is fiancé, but it says finance. I've been with my finance now for five years, and we have recently welcomed a little baby boy. I'm looking for a guy. Five, six, five, with a trust fund. I also have a child to my previous relationship, and my partner doesn't have any other children. My oldest child has a double-barrelled surname, and this time round, I wanted my new baby to also have a double-barrelled surname too, so they both have some element of the same surname to each other. But also to me, as we are not married and don't plan to be any time soon, my partner is so against this, and he's telling me I'm bringing shame as a man to not just have his surname.

39:34Well, Brooklyn Beckham is called Brooklyn Pelts. I know. Brooklyn Beckham Pelts. It's like every time we go on holiday, Pete gets called Mr. Clancy every week. Yeah, you don't. A couple of times I have done, yeah. You and Mr. Clancy in Paris as well? Yeah, we were in Paris with Mr. Clancy Duff. Mr. Clancy Duff? How did that make you feel, Peter? Well, it made me feel like my balls. I've been chopped off.

40:03there's your answer we don't need any more of that I can have there's your answer what are your thoughts as this is a really tough situation for me to the point where I thought about ending the relationship it upset me so much I appreciate your views love the pod keep up the good energy so her name's Donna Smith and his name is Michael Davis yeah so she wants it to be called Jemima Smith Davis exactly perfect yeah I think that's fine and if it's really bad I don't put her name for it. I think it's the one, you know, that's the meaning. I think you should end on the man's name. Yeah. I think because we have all our children together, you know, it's not like the previous relationship situation.

40:43I think that is a much more delicate situation than ours. I think it would be, I would feel, I wouldn't like it if our kids were called Clancy Crouch. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I just think it's, I like the old fashioned traditional, tradition of being married you can say what you like that it's old fashioned yeah but she's got she's got one child with a double which is why I think she wants it more to be sort of kids brother and sister if you know what I mean yeah that's what I think and they're both double barrel yeah I think that so it would be like Clancy Jeffers and then it would be Clancy Crouch but you've got that Clancy Clancy into them I agree with that I think that's cool I think that's nice I think she's that's a nice sentiment when she's got two kids from two different relationships and she wants them siblings to share something I think that works name sake wise and I don't think that's bringing him shame I think that is a bit silly for him to use that excuse I agree with that because this you know it's a delicate situation when you're bringing you know two you've got two kids that have previous got to be half brothers and sisters yeah half and you want to make them feel comfortable you say half they're not half they're full yeah they're the same mum no I know but what I'm saying is they're you know they've got different dads yeah they want to assimilate as much as possible I think which is natural I think he should respect that I think he should as well I agree I'm with the woman on this one me too yeah yeah but what I would say is you know from that perspective getting called Mr Clancy on the phone or or getting you know if you said to me that you know I had to take your name I would feel a little bit like I think she should definitely just kind of take into account his feelings my name's still Clancy on my passport yeah but you are you are a Crouch aren't you really I say I say you know if I call the school I'll be like hi Tabby Crouch yeah or if I'm the doctors or yeah I've heard you on the phones of the teachers and all that to Mrs.

42:32Crouch yeah I've heard you I am Crouch but people just call me Clancy yeah Clance

42:40Abby the Clance Crouch I've got a relationship question and I can't tell if I'm overthinking or if I'm right in thinking it's gross and a bit shitty for context we're in a lesbian relationship is it normal for your partner to be upstairs masturbating while you're downstairs in the same house. Mastermates. Especially when your sex life is already pretty minimal. What's thrown me... Why have As The Therapy Garage turned into friggin' sex stuff? Sex cells, I'll be sex cells. I don't even like saying these words. What's thrown me is that it feels like I didn't cross their mind at all. In my head, that's usually something you share with your partner or at least talk about.

43:27Instead, I pop up for an hour, come back and she's straight in that bed. Bonus points for putting the toy back exactly where it was so I shouldn't notice, which obviously made me notice. I get it if you're a single or long distance, fair enough, but I'm literally in the house, alive, available, and it made me feel unwanted. Also, why is that okay? I brought up a lack of sex life loads of times, so it's even more confusing that she still chooses solo time whenever she gets the chance when i try to explain why upset me the response was so you're having a go at me for touching myself which made me feel like my feelings don't count at all since then things have just felt awkward and weird between us so am i being insecure and dramatic or is it reasonable to expect a bit of awareness and communication around this thanks well i get i get the insecurity totally because if you're both there and that's the choice i get i like i understand if it's like, you know, you want to have it and they're like, fuck off.

44:27Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I sort myself off. Then it's like, well, you know. Do people say that to each other? Yeah, grab a tit and crack on. I'm joking, by the way.

44:41That's definitely happened to you. You better believe it, baby.

44:48That's all right. I don't mind that. I feel like I'm in like some kind of boys weird stagdiff I didn't write any of that I think it's the case of like you know I think it should be broached first and if it's not then you know I can't understand that bit but it's obviously the thing the confusion is I've told you that I'm obsessed about us not connecting on that level and then you're making out that you're not horny but you blatantly are horny when you're doing that in the other room what's that about that's gonna be not nice That's just, that's not going to be nice for the person. It's like, well, you don't want to come anywhere near me.

45:24Yeah. Because you're feeling like that and not coming anywhere near me. Quite literally. That's not, that's not, that's not, that's not good. No. No, I think she's in the right. I think so as well. And I think she just needs to say it again. It's not nice. No, that's not the issue. The issue is how you're making me feel. You feel like that. I'm here in the room. And I'm not, and I'm here. And if I'm not first choice. Yeah. Then there's a problem. Then there's a problem Because there's obviously something deeper going on. There might be something, like I'm going to say then, there might be something about her thing that she's embarrassed about or she doesn't want to say to the other partner, like a kink or something like that.

45:58And that's the only way she can get herself off. She just needs to talk to her about it. Well, that's true. Yeah. Fair enough. I've been on this couch for years long enough and I've picked up some tips. We really are a therapist. Therapy. Oh yeah, sex therapist now. I have a question for Abby here, but I'm sure the guys would like to weigh in too. as your kids grow older into teenage years you are without doubt going to be the hottest mum in their friendship groups thank you much the same as raunchy comedies like American Pie or the in-betweeners are you at all worried about Abby being your kids version of Stifler's mum or Bill's mum boys trying to come round just to see you get your dirty laundry play tennis or on the Wii winding your kids up about whacking one out to Abby the night before the night before etc i don't doubt this will happen because as abby said before boys are just dirty perverts correct uh just wondering how you feel about it have a good one well harry i was not expecting that to be from a boy by the way um well no because i think because i always say to my sons will they marry me yeah of course and jack's like but when i'm a man you're going to be an old granny so you know if they were teenagers now there could be a bit of not quite stifler's mum going on but more the in-betweeners mum yes like more normal mummy um but no i don't i think i'll be too old by then yeah how old are the boys now six you've got a decade you'll be all right decade you'll be 50 you'll be 50 oh i know i know jennifer coolidge how old is she in american pie she must have been touching 50 she was hot didn't she she still is she still is hot did you see it in White Lotus yeah people say I look like her when we went to Sicily when we went to Sicily we obviously stayed in the hotel where they filmed oh my god White Lotus and Pete was like that to all the guys on the door Jennifer's back she's come for part two she's come for a piece of shit so yeah she's really good okay yeah did your mum ever get the old Stifler's mum thing with your mates because our friends are hottie.

48:09Yeah, well, me mum was gorgeous, yeah, but I don't think, not to my face. Everyone was too obsessed with me cousin. It's that, funnily enough. That's hysterical. All right, that's enough. That's enough drivel from us. Sometimes I forget we're actually doing this. This has just been a normal family conversation. I feel this episode, doesn't it? Yeah, but I guess that's what people would enjoy. It's all content. Yeah, we'll see you next time. Bye.