Russell Kane: Toxic Friends, Confused Men & Wellness Scams

0:00Hey guys, if you're listening to this podcast on audio and want to submit your agony abs, send us them in, in the reviews, along with a five-star rating. Yes, only five-star. Only five-star. And don't forget, let us know any topics or guests you'd like to hear on a podcast in the future. Thanks for listening, guys. And remember, if you're liking what you hear, please leave a rating and a review wherever you get your podcasts. Right, so welcome, Russell Kane. Woohoo! I had a stick-in set called Rambo. Play nice then, the stick-in set. You've got one. Oh, but it's simpler. It's not that simple. It's my brother.

0:35What do I do then? Oh, it's easy. Watch, I demonstrate. Bye, ****. That's that. My thing is, most relationships are, baby comes out and, right, what's going to happen? Well, this is what's going to happen. The baby's going to be hanging off my tip and you're going to be wanking in the spare room. And men get resentful. Right, so welcome, Russell Kane. How are you? We've had to get into this quick because we're talking so much off air. And I've been laughing a lot. I feel like we need to start quick. There are three Russells, aren't there? I'm the gobshite one. Okay. Oh, well, that's fine. I have to start.

1:09Can I start with this, please? That's fine. That's fine. Why gobshite? Because I've never stopped talking. But yeah, it's all good stuff. Just scale swear that. I can't stop talking. Me too, sister. I'm going to start here because I absolutely love this. And how many times have I played this to you? Oh, my God. 5am Wankers. You've got to talk us through it. You said it's part of your routine. It's the type of thing I would do is stand-up. Oh, I love it. I'm going to play it to you now. It's basically... No, is it Pete? He said it. I'm going to play it to people. There's people out there that haven't seen it.

1:40That's Grimmy's video. 5am wankers. Getting out of bed at 5am to start your day. Well, you need to join my 5am wanker programme. We actually get up at 4am, where we do eight hours of breath work, two hours of colon cleansing, some mindfulness, then a six-hour workout right here. And we actually go to bed after we start the next day. That's because our level of fitness is so high, we've actually folded the space-time continuum and perforated it so that you can get up as you're going to bed, just rotating in a circle saying, wanker, wanker, breathwork, wanker, smoothie shake, 800 eggs, breathwork, wanker, breathwork, human growth hormone, heart attack at 50, wanker.

2:24So join me now for my breathwork 5 a.m. wanker cup. And now that my wife's left me, I've got all the more time to devote to you people that follow me. Remember, don't be hanging on to unnecessary relationships when you're in a relationship with yourself. Wanking, looking in and well, and getting up at 5am. Breath out, avocado. Right, so that is... Avocado, breath c**t. Apart from the slight cut in the middle where I cut a breath out to get it under a minute for the algorithm, that's first take in providing. Was that off the cuff? Was it really? That's why I got the nickname Gobbshite. Gobbshite.

2:54Just do that off the cuff. In 2017, right, I was like, right, okay, so how can I, I can't get on TV any, like, do as much as I can. How can I get more content out there topically? Because if you're not doing a By Got News for you or Mock the Week when it was on that week, they get in with the jokes and it looks like they thought of them first. Yeah, bastards. So I thought, right, I'm going to put the camera up and I'm going to perform at it as though it's an audience. Don't do that. No one's ever done that. It'll make you look like a YouTuber. It'll make you look like you can't get on TV. It'll make you look desperate.

3:21Don't do it. That's what I was told by several people. So as soon as someone says to me something like that, All I hear is ka-ching. There's a gap there. So if it hasn't been done like that, I'm not interested in your reasons why. I want to see what happens if I do do it like that. What's the worst that happens? No one watches a video. Why is everyone being a pussy hole about it? So I put it on the video. Like 70 ,000 people watched. I'm like pretty sure the panel show I was on last week, 120 ,000 people watched it. And I was in it for three minutes. And I started getting traction. But there was no competition because other comedians wouldn't put their material online because then you can't perform it on stage because you need to...

3:57Why is that? Because if I tell you a joke now and you know the punchline, when you come to the theatre, it would still be funny, but you've lost that surprise. It's not like hearing a song. Yeah, we can re-watch Peter Kay and enjoy it, but nothing can beat the first time of that surprise. Whereas I could just take a... It's like we thought Mickey Flanagan nicked all our content in the video. Yeah. The price I pay is by being so able to do it, no one's able to go, oh, he's the out-out guy, he's the garlic bread guy. So I don't slowly write these memorable things that go into the culture and are remembered forever and are in the news.

4:31So that's the price I pay. The positive is I could take anything in this room. If you give me five minutes, I'll come out there and I'll do... Let's discuss Ross's balls then. Can you give a quick little thing on that? They were, they were, yeah, some tight shorts. I'll be, by the way, fucking looking at your brow. It's just outrageous. He's my cousin and I don't really want to look at your balls in them tight shorts. Can you see my balls? No. Thank you. Not in them once, but last week was outrageous. I realised that, and also it's good for topical stuff, stuff that people might be talking about this week, but by the time you get on stage on Saturday, everyone's like, Keir Starmer said that on Monday.

5:04Everyone's sort of stopped making jokes about that. So I realised there was a gap for ultra-topical stuff that aged quickly. And what I call my B-grade material, which is not to put down what you just played, but I wouldn't necessarily work that into a big five-minute piece. It's something I might say on stage one night and not the other. So I suppose it's the Spotify model. I give a certain amount of stuff away for free and hope that it brings people to the theatre. The reason it was topical, the reason it resonated with me so much is because I consistently saw people all the time saying, we get up at 5am and we eat this and then we do this.

5:37Jump. Before kind of 9, 10am, they've done so much. And I was thinking, is that really happening? What's the difference? Because I'm being productive till 2am. There's only so many hours in the day. And then people are going, yeah, well, I've cut my sleep. well then you're going to die early then you're penis because you know people go asleep when you're dead you will literally die 10 years before me so it's a false economy twat you need 8 hours sleep stop being a prick just go to bed normally and get up at 8, 9 or whenever you've got kids get up at 7 yeah why are you getting up at 4? that's not making sense so true competitive wellness Mike Mike Mike said to me I've only got a slot today at the gym at 6 and I was like as if I was like that's just not an option I was like pardon that's not an option I'll be firmly in bed I've been doing 7am once.

6:20You were talking just before we started about you very much into fitness. I have to, yeah. You feel like you have to. You're 50? I can't believe it. Well, I'm 50 on August the 19th, so I'm still in my 40s. You look incredible. You haven't got a line on your face. So my act is very, very energetic if you've seen it live. It's like Lee Evans type energy, but I've got all these thoughts going on as well. So I wore the polar fitness tracker, so I burned 500 to 800 calories in a set. 80 minutes so once i passed 30 maybe 32 i was like oh shit i'm i can only do this another couple of years because of the high energy nature so i train like a boxer i would say why do he's closer to boxing rather than riding a bike so if i treat myself and have a couple of weeks off i can feel it as soon as i'm on stage like a boxer wouldn't go i'm not going to train all summer you get knocked out as soon as you get in the ring so i have to stay fit physically fit all the time.

7:16So I don't want to be into fitness. I found it boring for years. But it's part of the, like football, no one wants to get up and go to football fucking training, but you have to do it. Yeah. It's the same. Yeah. And obviously your wife's got the supplement that you're taking. How did that come out? So when I got to about 31, 32, I was doing these sets and I was like, that's a bit unattractive. I had a better, just normal 32, 33 year old shit. So I thought, I can't believe that there's not a way to age more slowly. So I started to train myself to read the original scientific papers because you read the Daily Mail headline, it doesn't mean anything.

7:53You've got to train yourself to read all the scientific terminology. So I learned all that. I can't believe you didn't bring me any. I'm 40 in January. It's because I was flying. I need all the help I can get, hon. I'm going to send some to you. So I was doing the diet. I was doing the exercise. Jolt is the brand we've developed. I do the creative. My best mate since I was eight does the science. and my wife is the bad boss, right? Bad ass boss. So two things anyone can do is diet and exercise. Don't eat shit, move a bit, right? You don't need to eat posh food, just stop eating junk. Move a bit.

8:26I was just in a hotel down the road from York Ave, no gym, nothing. It's like saying from 1970. Yeah, it is. So I did a pull-ups off the door, hip workout, jogging on the spot. I've got two little bars so I can dip deeper on my push-ups. I've got resistance bands for lateral raises. So you could travel with all that and not fucking vitamin for me? It's this big. The kit is this big. So I was doing all that. 32 kilos. Yeah, exactly. No, I do hand luggage only on and off the plane. And the other one which no one sorts out is sleep, which we've already spoken about, and relationships. So everyone's like, I eat well, you know, I'm doing exercise, but I'm still friends with my toxic twat.

9:03Debbie, who secretly hates me and slags me off on a side. Yeah. Fuck Debbie off. It's a short life. It's a short life, right? who are you spending your time with so right and then you're like oh but it's it's simpler it's not as simple it's my brother oh what do i do then oh it's easy watch i'll demonstrate bye sort your relationships out yeah stop hanging around with people that's secretly jealous of you dislike you're not happy when things are going well sleep well eat well exercise then and only then take evidence-based supplementation don't be taking up having a burger king a shit marriage and taking a pill because it won't work.

9:41So it turbocharges those other pillars of wellness. So I went into the papers. I found the most scientific papers, found the most scientifically effective things. I take about 50, 60 different things a day. So my wife was like, most people can't be asked to do that. Sally can wait. I will look back in anger. Fuck off. She's a man. She's got Mankinsons. So when you've got Mankinsons, you just occasionally say like, Sally can wait. And they're so angry all the time, Manx. They are? That's why they don't get on my scousers because scousers are like, look, it's rain. Think of it like a free shower.

10:21It's like, everything's great. And Manx's like, fucking sunshine, you orange fucker, fuck off you. It's so true, isn't it? That's why they clash. That's why those two cultures clash. And so my wife was like, what are the top seven with evidence? So I said, well, these are the best ones. NMN resveratrol fiscetin blah blah blah anyone can buy this shit anywhere but people are lazy and it's expensive yeah so she we've got the good supplier we third party verified which means we're certified that what you think you're taking you're actually taking so you've got a mixture of all of those it's three pills once a day if you've got the other things in place and it's taken of course the older I get the more I can show this shit works yeah we've got a libido supplement coming out in when does this one go out this is two weeks two weeks Are you looking at me for?

11:09No, because it's wherever I can announce the name of it. You definitely don't need that. I'm a pervert. I need Diagra as well. I take Diagra on a daily basis. Can you give us some 10, please? Lindsay's like, have you been married 10 years? I'm still knocking on the door with it three days. That's not my hand. Oh, my God. She's like, I had to Google what that was. Just go and clean up. Shut up.

11:37Oh my God. What's wrong with, it's weird, isn't it? Like if you really fancy a missus, people find it suspect. That's how toxic most relationships are. Yeah, I agree with that. You're in a pub and some dude bloke's like, I see that bird over here, I fucking rain's out. See how I'd like to fuck her, I've seen it. And I'm like, I really want to bang my wife. What's wrong with you, you fucking pervert? Because you're lechling on someone you're already with. That's so true. That's how messed up men are. Yeah. How relationships are. In fact, me and Lindsay get blowback for like looking too happy online, like rubbing people's faces in it.

12:08Every relationship should be like that. Yeah. And it sits on top of work. No couples just walking around happy the whole time unless they're medicated or there's something wrong with their relationship. It's about taking time out, date nights, date days, going away and doing stuff together. Yeah. You know what does affect that is obviously sometimes is having children. And obviously you've got a daughter. Yeah. How old is she? She's nine. How is that? We've got a nine-year-old daughter. Yeah. Us is on the 10. How's yours? I feel a play date brewing Maybe we can meet in Birmingham Like a neutral ground But how have you found it?

12:43Well I'm quite good My mum was a childminder and a nanny So you never know How you're going to be as a parent When you're holding your own baby But I was like, I just knew what to do Very naturally to me I was very lucky Lindsay was like right you can be in charge of sleep Which is most blokes dream because what happens is if you don't have a discussion about where the baby's going to sleep before it's born it can cause a problem in the couple there's no right or wrong you're a bed sharing hummus eating baby in the bed we've got a big bed and we all sleep together in a big bed of tzatziki what is whatever works for you do you know what i mean the problem is most relationships are baby comes out and right what's going to happen well this is what's going to happen the baby's going to be hanging off my tit and you're going to be wanking in the spare room and that's and men get resentful men get resentful they get angry they're on fucking Pornhub and before you know it someone makes a mistake absolutely so you're better off both being honest so if a woman's like this is what's going to happen I do want my baby in the bed so and if the man's got an issue with that you can not have children you can stop your relationship early it was one of the earliest discussions me and Lindsay had even before we were engaged I said all of my because I'm a bit older I was like all of my friends have got issues based on babies in the bed what's your view and she just said I'll take your lead on it and I was like you know right I know how to get a baby through the night by eight weeks because my mum's done it countless times as long as there's nothing medically wrong with a child I know the techniques so that's I was in charge eight hours at eight weeks twelve hours at twelve weeks fabulous can you come and sort ours we were very good like with our third I think we were he was in the bed a little bit and then we had a full furry close we had two cots in our room at one point it doesn't matter as long as you But now we've got a cat who sleeps on my head.

14:31We did get them out. We've got no kids. Yeah, fussy face. She just sleeps on my head, doesn't she, baby? That's genuinely happening. The cat sleeps on her pillow. Yeah. So I don't even have a pillow now because she's on it? Nothing matters as long as the couple are on the same page. Yeah. This is what, because I've spoken about this before and I get angry messages from mums going, you try it and blah, blah. But I'm like, it doesn't matter what you're doing. The problem, I'm just telling you, If your bloke is like, I was here for, fuck this. I'm going to Faleraki with the lads, feel like a man again.

15:04You're going to have an issue. Yeah. You're going to have a fucking issue. Just face the issue and solve it. Very true. It is very true. Pete won't let me have another baby. I'd love another baby. Lindsay's just, she's found her path late in life and she's just loving what she's doing. And I've offered, I said, I will take two years of no gigs. I will stay at home. I will raise the child, get it to a nursery, kindergarten. You can be flying off around the world. but she just doesn't want to be pregnant again. She doesn't want to do it. I said, please freeze an egg. She won't even freeze a fucking embryo.

15:34She's so against it. So that's it, game over. But with this wife. I'm already learning Thai in readiness for my next marriage. All my uncles end up in Thailand, age 60. I'm going for the scuba diving. Are you, Terry? Yeah, that's... Are you, Terry? When we went to Thailand, we saw a lot of that. it was just like individual men on their own in the 60s people can go on their own they might be going on a business trip she's just saying another pervert so they can hear there's something wrong with blokes like have you got did you say you got girls or boys both two of each you think a generation ago when we were little you would hear the dad saying thank god I got a son I didn't want the stress of a daughter it's the other way around now isn't it absolutely I was relieved when I got a daughter because I know what I want from my daughter which is to be able to get the same wages as men, be a rocket scientist if she wants, be an engineer if she wants.

16:29You've got a little boy. You can't really tell your little boy. Well, it's all equal now. So if you want to be a nurse or a primary carer, do it. No, not laugh, but they will. Because men have made no progress in the caring and nurturing sphere. Absolutely. We focus on what women have achieved, which I'm obviously all for. Yeah. And it's great, long may it continue. But we don't focus on what men haven't achieved. So it's still a bit like laugh out loud. If a little boy says, well, I want to stay at home and raise the babies, all the men, grown men would laugh. Yeah. We got less male nurses than we had in 1990.

17:02There's no male, less male primary school teachers. Men never get custody of babies. So why have we made no, we can raise children. Why have men made no progress? And the only thing men had was we are stronger than women. And then the robots have taken those jobs in car factories, diggers. So men are left like, what the fuck are we? getting little shits like Andrew Tate prey on young male minds and go, this is what a man is. He's so bizarre, isn't he? And before you know it, you've got 25-year-old women going out on a date and they're getting one of two men. They're either getting, let's do breath work together rather than have sex.

17:34Let's go on change.org and then do a vegan poem. A vegan poem? Or they're getting choked. They're their options as a girl these days. Wow. Bored or choked. Yeah, it's true. But before, men are something in between. Most men are something in between. We're a bit emotional, but we smash up the house if we can't find the keys. That's what most men were. Now that we're polarised, because we don't have proper role models, Gareth Southgate's got involved trying to give us pictures of what masculinity might be. It is a scary time for little boys, because what do you tell your little boy to be without sounding politically incorrect or too effeminate or out of fashion?

18:11It's so true. I've got you all right. Johnny wants to be a mermaid, to be fair. Johnny wants to be a mermaid, such a dope doll. to be fair we've got both ends of the spectrum football dinosaurs fighting and the mermaid dolphin trainer Liberty just wants to be a mum you can watch the football on the satin and go to the matinee on the front

18:35he's out of that mermaid face now he's in Les Mis what do you prefer doing obviously you've got the podcast Evil Genius which I love by the way And then obviously you wrote books. It's Pet Selector, right? That's my latest book, a kid's book. I can't believe it. I'm surprised. It looks great. Yeah, it's a pet breed guide for children selecting their next pet. That's what I wrote. That's lovely. So that market should be like that because that's parents who are considering getting a pet. But what's happened is the second, what I thought was the secondary market is bigger. People are reading it as like a funny short story because they already own a Cavapoo or a Labrador or whatever.

19:15Yeah. It went only for a day, but it went to number one. We're talking above Harry Potter, above David Wallet. Wow. People bought it like a storybook, but really it's a work of translation because all I've done is taken the description of a pug and translated it into what I call eight-year-old funny, which is a language you either speak or you don't. Most parents speak it. We know what makes a nine-year-old laugh. Yeah. It's great. I've got three chihuahuas. Yeah, so if you've had animals, you've had loads of animals over the years. you tell us budgies lizards insects I had a thousand crickets that I kept in the shed I had a stick insect called Rambo I'm like are they nice then the stick insects you've got one I knew you was coming a mantis over there he's still got his head though you haven't bitten it off yet doesn't the female prey a mantis eat exactly that's how an alien banging on he's still got his head on oh has he now oh my god love it sorry I was a bit in a front no it sounds fine so I've got three chihuahuas you've got to be confident in your masculinity to have a chihuahua because I've got I've got these because my daughter and my wife wanted a chihuahua but I wanted a proper dog but chihuahua's good because they're very portable the poos are tiny we can take them on the road we can take them in hotels people don't care but they need lots of training but my mum's boyfriend is like a knuckle dragger from another century he was like we'd get a dog like that before like you know what I mean you're going to walk down the street with that you're like a right wrong one and first time I walked down the street girl laughed and said oh can I touch your dog please I know two hours are alright there's the geezer with the staff just surrounded by other men with tattoos going this is where it's at so when we got our puppy and he couldn't come into the shop and I came out and Pete was surrounded by about ten girls I was like the hell are you doing I was going why are we taking a dog he says Joe I said not only am I going shopping with you I've got to sit outside every shop with a dog.

21:12Anyway, I sat outside every shop and flocks of women were just surrounding me. I was going, fucking, this is amazing. Even the little, even like, you know, the hard-faced woman that wouldn't even normally look at you, it's just something short circuits. It's like a control-alt-delete. Can I pet your chihuahua? Yeah, that's right, baby girl, you pitted it. So I bought three of them. That's it, it's broken the dog. Lindsay's like, I fucking love it, didn't you? I fucking love it, and you're getting so I can wait. but the podcast even genius that it is genius like how are you i mean i always worry about kind of comedians in general really like this day and age if you're funny you can't say stuff because you'll get cancelled yeah but why is a comedian allowed to say stuff but you're not people are getting cancelled aren't they depends what you're saying really i mean as long as it's funny funny enough i think you can joke almost about anything there are some things that are funny that don't make me either I tend not to punch downwards just because I come from nothing so I know what it's like to be nothing so I don't particularly like you know let's get stuck into trans people let's get stuck into disabled not because I'm like this flag waving lefty I just know what it's like to have no like to feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain with no chance and you're probably going to be nothing and no one wants to look at you and everyone thinks you're just a scumbag because that was the start of my life in a weed under a bridge loser.

22:37So that's the only reason I don't do it. But I've got respect for the art of people that do. It's just not my cup of tea. So far as comedians being cancelled for making a joke, apart from Dapper Laughs, who's temporarily cancelled for telling a woman she, I quote, needed a good raping or something, end quote, in an audience, there's not many examples you can cite. And in fact, some of the most cancelled people are only about 100 grand a night in arenas, so I won't feel too sorry for them. there's been quite a bit of a shift i would say now from like constant culture doesn't it i think i think i think just you're more likely to get cancelled if you're like a news reader or a sports person you say something that represents a genuine view that you were hiding yeah like look what happened to greg wallace for example he was making we didn't know what he'd been doing he the master chef guys yeah yeah doing like dodgy jokes at work i put a funny video up and then i took it down because it was going 10 000 20 000 100 000 views i took it down because someone's dad someone's like is he vulnerable type thing and then the next day the geyser went online and went the problem is women actually women who can't take a joke just because I put my knob in a tiramisu look at my dick in a tiramisu you miserable bitch is that what he did?

23:51no but oh my god no it was a flan no but I mean he went from he went from having my empathy to blame him. And he focused on what he called older, like a sort of disgust of, oh, that's like, mate, we all come from, who do you think our mums and aunties and if we're older, our wives are. Wives now. Just like laying into perimenopausal and menopausal women. It's a fucking hot topic at the moment about female mental health. It's like, he's a, I don't know who was advising him. Pete hates the hormone chat though. Yeah. He won't go there, will you? He said, what about my hormones? Well, that's what we're trying.

24:30I've got hormones too. We're starting to understand about male hormones more and more. And in fact, the hormone that men and women share, testosterone, when you're talking about female hormones... I've got no testosterone in my blood when I'm a bloodstun. It's really important. But this is what... I mean, I've been educated by people like Davina. I'm friends with everyone else. Oh, she's great. I'm not mansplaining. I'm regurgitating. But testosterone is important for both. Obviously, hair and nails and drive and mood, recovery from illness, sex drive it's important so in fact that's the clinical trial our supplement passed jolt it raised testosterone because you can take testosterone yeah and men we do get a sort of menopause when we get past 40 and we can take trt and all that but it's much better off you can free the testosterone that's stuck it gets stuck as you get older like everything else in the body but there's certain things you can do to increase what's called your free testosterone when that goes up mood recovery i've been in a culture about seven years and sex drive unfortunately does increase as well abby so that's something you would have to deal with yeah i find just numbing numbing the arm and painting the nails a great substitute

25:44you lay on your arm for about half an hour paint your nail and you go oh who's that stop being inappropriate but it's just yourself you can even put a tight on one leg I'm like what the hell are you talking about funny how every man knows what I'm talking about so weird hey guys we're just going to take a quick break while you hear from our sponsors and remember if you're liking what you're hearing hit that follow button and if you can be bothered leave us a review because we love reading them don't we think? we do

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26:50Welcome back. Hopefully, you're going to You managed to follow us in that short break. And if you want to pass it on to someone who you think might like this content, you're welcome to do so. Do it now. What's your favourite thing to do? I think we just found that. No, Evil Genius I love doing. It's on TV as well if you've got access to Sky. And we take people, dead people obviously, because they can't see. It's an amazing concept. And we take either people that everyone thinks are amazing, like could be Diego Maradona could be Gandhi could be anyone or we take people that everyone fashionably hates Bernard Manning Margaret Thatcher whoever and then I have three guests and I let off three uncomfortable amazing facts that messes with what you thought about these people oh my god I thought they were great but blah and then at the end you have to vote evil or genius cancel or keep so it's off the back like Mike Dean slaughter and chickens although he's not dead exactly it's interesting so yeah it's great It gets me in trouble sometimes.

27:49Like we did John Lennon. I still got trolled about that for about a year. It's like, I didn't do the stuff. He did it. You know, he was a wife beater. Did you watch that documentary that the girl he left Yoko for? Yeah. And dated one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she told him to do that though, you know. You get some really uncomfortable facts. Like on the Muhammad Ali episode, he was, Muhammad Ali used to speak at clan rallies. So he used to go to KKK rallies and speak in favour of the separation of the races because he believed in black supremacy. Therefore, he thought white supremacy is a good idea.

28:23So you go over there and you be white and we'll be over here and be black. He actually was pro some of the Klan's policies. Klan's segregation. Have you heard Mother Teresa? Yeah, we did Mother Teresa. Yeah, there's some interesting things about her, isn't there? She was taking all these people in because she believed their suffering brought her closer to God. Yeah. So she liked to be around there dying and suffering because she was getting some spiritual benefit from it. in cold quarter yeah yeah but like what it is is like you've got this I suppose you've got the what everyone thinks of them and you're just relaying facts and giving you the other side of the argument potentially and I do it the other way around so someone like Bernard Manning he's just a racist horrible man so what I did I did it live and it's Radio 4 makes Evil Genius and I did it live at the Edinburgh Festival because you don't know what happens it's all people called like Ollie and Hillary and Scott wearing cardigans that were weaved like organically nothing wrong with a cardigan by the way Nothing wrong with the cardigan.

29:17My socks are made out of my own pubes. My own pubes. I went on before the show and I did five minutes of stand-up, but I said, I'm going to do one-liners today if it's okay. And they were like, yeah, get over it. And they were all clapping and laughing, but I told only Bernard Manning jokes. They didn't know. It was about it. So I then did the show for half an hour and then halfway through, I revealed who they'd been laughing at. So it's a bit of, oh, that's not fair. I was like, well, all I'm showing is how perception and prejudice works in both directions. wow that is amazing that's so good catch up it's on BBC Sounds yeah yeah that sounds amazing I'd love to watch that we should watch that tonight that's an audio one that on so far as the visual ones I did Albert Einstein Winston Churchill the Einstein episode is unreal so Albert Einstein was he nice Albert Einstein right did E equals MC squared and all that theory of relativity it's the reason we've got mobile phones and all this tech that's running today it's all based off but what he did he used to have the idea go what if E equals MC squared well any fucking mug in this room could say that.

30:18And then his wife had to go and do the maths to work out if it worked. Weeks, she did the maths and proved it. But then he published the paper without her name, even though really, all of us have ideas for TV shows and formats, but the person who actually should get the credit is the one who made the thing. His wife, Malay for Marriage, made the things. And she started to say, Albert, come on, man, I'm a physicist in my own right. Give me a credit on the paper. And he wrote back to her, went, if you tell anyone, I'll beat the shit out. I'll domestically abuse you if you tell anyone that you've done the maths.

30:50The credit all goes to me. And then, not only that. But it's fact. That's fact. And he gave her a list of rules. He went, if you want to stay married to me, these are the rules. And they were like, put my dinner down. Don't talk to me. Leave the room. Stand close to me when we're out so it looks like we're happy. That's what you do to me. And then eventually, he left her for his own cousin. Left his kids crying at the train station. and when he got to his cousin's house, he's like, actually, I didn't realise how fit your 18-year-old daughter is. Tell you what, you two have a conversation and I'll get with one of you based on whoever you choose.

31:21And then he got with the mum. So he's a fucking twat. So where are you getting this? I think we know what the C in E equals MC squared. Where is that information though? It's all in the archive. I've got his hand, I've seen his hand, I've been and met the historian and handled the letters that he wrote. Wow. Really? I interviewed her face to face, this Swiss lady who goes around the globe trying to expose Albert Einstein and get people to recognise marriage. She got higher university results than Albert. She was the brains of the operation. He was visionary. So he could go, what if the planet's moved like this?

31:53But how many visions have you had that you've never bothered to substantiate or prove? We can all do that. Daily. Daily. And who does all the work to bring these visions to life? No. Normally, Mrs., right? So, you know, behind every great man and all that. But she did the majority of the work. Gosh. That is interesting. When you get the guests on the day, like people who are like experts on Einstein type of thing. On the TV one, yeah, I interview experts on the radio. They're just like general people. I have three comedians and then I've got an earpiece and really qualified producers just checking stuff and I get loads of evidence beforehand.

32:24Where'd you get the time to do all this? Well, I've got a team of the researchers just amazing on Evil Genius. So they just present me with the script. I obviously need to know my stuff as well. Like today, you could just come in here and wing it, but you've had to read a bit before to learn about me. So sometimes as the lift doors closing, my producer will go, it's a double record next week. It's Churchill and Thatcher. It's seven days and you've got a pile of books like that. I've got family. I've got a wife. I've got stand-up. So it is full on. But because I've got the long journeys, I watch a lot of documentaries and read while I'm traveling.

32:57What's your favorite thing to do out of all of it? Stand-up. Yeah. You've got your hyperactive tour, right? Stand-up's like playing football, right? What I imagine playing football would be like to a crowd. I've never done it. it's just that you can't explain it you know it's just a buzz like it's unreal you've got thousands of people cheering because you smashed a joke the difference is i'm able to fucking play past 37 it's a blessing that's why i take care of myself because most careers that's it you're 40 you need to think of something else if you get it right and stand up people will pay to see a miserable 80 year old man ranting it's quite funny yeah so that's what i've got to work on how do I change as I age where's your favourite place to play like I remember watching gigs and that we was like Scotland like Glasgow is always like people are just up for it yeah normally the further you get from the south east of England the more grateful people are to see you the most responsive audiences are probably Belfast Derry Londonderry places like that Glasgow as you said that said it more comes down to the shape of the room with stand up probably again you'll probably draw a football and you're like where's your favourite country to play in and you'll be like well what's the weather and what's the pitch like not is the audience spanish you're not are you interested in whether the crowd is spanish or mexican you couldn't give a shite could you if the pitch is soggy you could be playing you can be playing in surrey or the south pole doesn't make any difference so it's about that is are the is it a low stage is it semi-circular are you wrapped among the audience so you can speak to them on an intimate level is far more important than whether they're scottish or english or whatever is there a particular venue that stands out when you say that comedy store london would be the gold standard shape it's a 400 seater you don't really tour there and it's a stage with the horseshoe going around it i realize we're among scousers and i've got to give it to hot water it's one of the best venues in the world and what they've done is that in liverpool yeah we've got good comedy scene where's he plays there it's the it's um the um docks i think okay yeah they've You walk in now and there's a food court.

35:03You can get fucking Greek gyros. You can get a bit of curry. You can go to the bar and then there's four venues above this courtyard. The big room, the experimental room, the medium room, the events room and there is something seven nights a week in Liverpool. It's the only city in the country with purpose built apart from Comedy Store London where it's just a stand up every night. God, I didn't even know that. Yeah, yeah. We've got like, I was listening to a comedian the other day saying we've got a really good comedy scene outside of London. Yeah, Hot Water's probably one of the best rooms. Paul Smith.

35:27That's that ginger fella. Have you seen him? he's funny no you've seen Paul Smith he's dead funny but so far as theatre 7 in Shrewsbury is well designed I'm just going to give you boring answers because it's just like Peter would it would be based on boring technical information sport and comedy have a lot in common yes there's a lot of inspiration and talent on the day but you control what the control of was which is the technical aspect how hard have you trained how many unpaid gigs have I done this week to people that didn't really want to see me is my fitness up is my cardio up so i can't run around what's the lighting like have we done what we can with yeah have i eaten at the right time before the show all the all the stuff a sports person would talk about that's what i focus on because you can control those things you can't control a drunk bellend on the night that's shouting out or the queen's died the day before and you got to go on stage which is what happened you can't control those things yeah what you can control i do control what is that like the drunk bellend how do you deal with them well once you more established you get the less trouble you get in the audience unless you've purposely sort of created a rowdy audience type thing um so my audience are quite well behaved over the years i've got quite nice people work i went on i did three nights at the cliffs on this tour which is huge for me it's fucking six south end doing 1600 a night for three nights well south end and i went on and the lights I have all this music house music and there's a woman on the she was on the fucking stage but during the blackout she'd run up and got on stage yeah off her head drunk and if something happens probably the same in a game right if something happens in the middle of a game but you're 3-0 up it probably wouldn't wobble you yeah if a pitch invasion or someone fell over or someone gets sent off it's a shake you but we're 3-0 up if you haven't even walked out and your confidence gets a kick in it can skew the game right so this woman's on the stage and like this how am i going to deal with this and her first words shouted everyone i've got cancer and tonight is my night now i'm in deep shit oh god she's obviously in chemo and it's her night out so you gotta handle that very delicately so i said come here for a cuddle and i just rolled with it sometimes you've got a i don't know if the sport analogy would work here but you know like if there's a mistake sometimes it's better to lean into the freak lean into the mistake how can we get a goal from being creative within this mistake type thing exactly the same with stand-up i gave her a hug i interviewed her a bit i did a little bit of a like a magic mic dance while she was sat in a chair and the show was fine so but stuff like that does happen obviously you have people certain men I've had someone try to knock me out on stage but he'll catch me first with me the construction awards a skiser came up he tried to hit me so hard that when he missed me he span around and fell off the stage and hurt himself oh my god yeah and how do you deal with bombing not saying that you do bomb but like if you were to is that the confidence how do you have the confidence to go back next week yeah well you don't really I wouldn't say you bomb because people come to watch you yeah it becomes quite early on it must have been you know if you're like i don't know or something and you're just trying to you know when people buy a ticket they know what they're going to see and then they're all enjoying themselves yeah when people are like just there to watch comedy and all of a sudden they may not be into you or whatever that's why that's why when i'm off season i i do unpaid unannounced pub gigs so i'll go in no sounds shit sound shit lights might not even be stage no one's expecting to see you we've got a surprise headliner and you and your audience divides into three the first third is like oh my god fucking hell i'm i fucking love this the middle third is like am i supposed to know what this kind of is everyone impressed and then the third group is i can't fucking stand that's the third that i'm performing to yeah that's like putting weight on the bar and i'd see their faces cracking oh do you know what i always thought you were a twat so that's how I train the time you're most likely to bomb when you're established is at corporate gigs which you two will do where you're paid to stand up and speak at a dinner I couldn't stand up and speak to anyone I'd lose my craft you have to do a football anecdote and then you have to hand out some awards so my version of that is I have to do 15 minutes of stand up these people don't want to see comedy they're having their awards and their dinner so those are the trickiest gigs over the years I've developed certain techniques so that if something doesn't work, in answer to your question, I have jokes about it not working.

40:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've furthered it until eventually I sort of start pulling, like rubbing twigs together in a damp forest. You just get a little spark and then hopefully. But mostly, to touch wood, 199.9 % of the time I'm fine. But it does happen. Yeah. But you always learn something when you lose a game or if you're good. Yeah. People that are brats, they don't last because they don't learn when they lose. This is what scares me about what's happening with children because they're giving out participation medals at sports day now because it's too painful to lose at the sack race. I cried when I lost at the sack race.

40:47Fucking good. What did you learn? You learned what loss felt like. You learned how to pick yourself up the next day and you learned how to do better at next year's sports day. Now we've got 18-year-olds going into the workplace going, I've been taught that life's about winning. Am I going to be promoted on day one? No I say to my kids Did you have fun? I said because nothing's more fun than winning So make sure you fucking do Get out there Unfortunately losing and falling over Is something children have to learn So if we put loads of foam in the playgrounds And close the parks at 6.30 So no children get injured That child is statistically probably more likely To get hurt when they're 18 or 19 Climbing up a fucking lamplase Because they haven't learnt about failure, about risk.

41:32You can't explain it to your child. You've got to let them fall off the seesaw and go, I won't fucking do that again. I watched one of your videos about the iPad and stuff and kind of protecting kids along that vein of giving kids anxiety with the iPad. And we have this battle all the time. But it was a great video that you did because it was funny, but it had a real serious message. I have to say my daughter is an iPad addicted So is mine So I'm not coming from a place of judgement I'm coming from a place of failure And the evidence is there So we're doing two things at the same time Everyone born before 1990 More or less walked to school I was kicked out of the house at 11 And you'll do two paper rounds as well You twat Walked to school at 11, walked home You go to school at 11?

42:22At 11 I had to get the bus Oh I thought you meant AM No, no, no, 11 years old. 11 years old. 11 years old. A little lion there. Did you live in Essex for a while? I don't know why did you go to the gym attack. I sound a bit very Essex at the end of the time. It comes to the side. So, yeah, and what happens when you walk to school? You have to avoid the bully. You have to learn to navigate one day. You get lost. You learn all this problem-solving stuff. I went on holiday this year to the Peak District. We were in a posh holiday park thing, and I still could not let my daughter walk to the shop.

42:55I know. I followed up behind a tree where we're so paranoid about stuff happening to our children. But of course, that's because we've grown up with 24-hour news that's given us a false impression of how in danger our children are. In this book, Free Range Kids, someone did the maths. The actual amount of time you would need to leave your nine-year-old outside for this monster to jump out of a bush. Do you know how long it is statistically? 750 ,000 years. you're more likely to win the Euro Millions three times than some nonce monster jumping out of a bush really? we take away our whole children's independent play since 1990 because this same Portugal story has run and run and run and run so now we're all scared me included and at the same time we're giving them access to the iPad which is nonce fucking city unrestricted so we're increasing their anxiety digitally and taking away their independent play based learning put those two together OCD ADHD anxiety that's where it's fucking coming from yeah yeah yeah we said it's totally true totally agree but you know it does give us an hour in a restaurant yeah exactly Peter what happened like how were we amused I know yeah but that's why all those games like back in the day were so long you know Monopoly hours and hours because it just entertain you it's babies now you're gonna have women crowning soon going put the iPad in my cervix it's coming out I don't want it crying when it's born it's too distracting watch it fucking watch it so true it's got such senses we actually be inserting iPads for the last month of pregnancy so it doesn't kick babies know how to do it all the kicking was too much so we inserted a tiny iPad so I could watch it in my womb I don't want a baby kicking me when I'm pregnant so I put an iPad up my twat

44:52you probably bloody do that one fucking roasters I can't believe that statistic though that is massive but if you look at the news and you see all these which but no I mean stuff like that they very much left the kids to their own devices and stuff like that to go to school later the risk to a child is a the highest risk to your child is a man that child already knows statistically yes afraid to say a dad an uncle scout master sports teacher you could say scout Not Scousers. Scouser. They're all unrelated to the old.

45:26Statistically, that is the risk, sadly. The most dangerous person in your house is your husband. He's the most likely to hurt you emotionally, physically. That is just a statistical fact. That's mad, isn't it? But it's a fact. And yet women think, oh, it's a guy going to jump out on a bush and sexually assault me. Those things do happen, and I'm not diminishing them, But most women are assorted by someone they've worked with for fucking years or someone that teaches them, someone they knew. That's where the risk is. Wow. And that's why that issue is so thorny because some women think, was that an attack?

45:59You know, I had a drink and it did I? It's in that sort of grey area that the horrible things happen. That's why you're talking about relationships and how important they are. You've picked the right partner, you've picked the right friends. It's disimportant, right? You've got to be best mates with your missus and your husband. Yeah. So many people I know, you go out and you see this all the time. They're going around in a circle, slagging their wives. My wife this, my wife that. I think it's my turn in a minute. What am I going to say? We fucking have, we love each other. You can't say that.

46:26Everyone throws up. You'll see, same with the girls. The women are, my one doesn't do this. My one doesn't do that. It does happen. And it's like a culture of. I never slag you off. To your face. Is that true? Behind your back, I don't know. You shouldn't be putting the person down who you've pledged to be with until you die out of eternal love. I mean, that's so messed up. No, I agree. What are you doing? Totally agree. We do a thing on the podcast, Russell. It's a weekly wine usually. Like me and Abby will get things off our chest. Not a datty wine. Not a datty wine. That comes afterwards. But no, Abby will say something that I've pissed her off with and then we'll kind of cheers at the end and we'll forget about it.

47:08Although you've got a weekly shine this week because it's been our anniversary and you know going back to the relationship thing what you're talking about Pete and I on a boat on the Thames didn't have another human with us apart from the boat driver captain and we had so much fun it was brilliant we had a lot of fun to just have the best day just us so that's why we that's the note I would get because some couples watch it go it's alright for you lot you know for your money and your success what do you do when you've got no money how do you take a couple time it's me and Lindsay some of our best nights we'll put them into bed it's on a routine and goes to sleep at half seven every night.

47:40At nine? Half seven. She's a minute. Story at seven, out by half seven. And then we will sometimes just put a picnic blanket in the garden. You don't need to leave and leave your house. Some of our best nights. Make couples time. It's not about money. It's about intention. Agreed. Agreed. So we've got plenty of people right in with their wines, basically, about their other half. Hi, Therapy Crouch. After hearing one of your recent episodes where someone's boyfriend said his own name during the deed, shout out. Josh Josh so he basically he was going come on Josh come on Josh you can do it you're the man Josh I wanted to have one of my own weekly wines about my boyfriend's bedroom antics every time we have SEX my boyfriend whispers the exact same compliment at the end you're unreal no variation no emotion obviously this is a compliment and I am unreal but mixing it up a bit in the aftercare department wouldn't kill him would it no I think maybe use physical affection instead.

48:41Well, he's just S-H-A-G-G-E-D'd her. No, but no, I'm talking about a cuddle. There's nothing wrong with a cuddle. That's a long window. There's nothing wrong with a cuddle. A silent cuddle? After you've got everything off the curtain and the hair.

48:55It's like you put a CSI blue torch on in my room. It's like fucking Smurf village.

49:03So, I think, yeah, the problem with not varying it up is it makes it sound robotic and your desire has been fabricated. So it is really important. The word unreal is nice. He obviously just fucking loves her. A man doesn't have much left when he's just deployed his bee sting. You know when a bee stung you, it just dies on the pavement with a wing like that? That's basically what a man is, well, for me, for about 90 seconds as I regenerate into my next boner.

49:31Lindsay's like, you're joking. I'm like, I will return. Fucking have a right Lazarus about 10 minutes later. This whole interview I'm thinking about is your penis and semen. Welcome to Lindsay's life. And so I think say something different or if you can't, just opt for some physical affection, not sexual attention, some physical affection afterwards. I mean, there is a whole debate that needs to be had around men that make any noise during sex because with women, it's pretty uncontroversial. most men are fond of women sort of displaying how much they're enjoying the experience either vocally or with some sort of noise and most women do make noise it's very unsettling i don't know if you ever slept with a a silent woman it's like you know just workman like pounding after nine stellas oh that's that done right you know just put your chips on my back Black.

50:31I've got a full silent line. Put your chips on my back, Gary. That's it. That's it. Right near my Chinese tattoo. And my Chinese. But I'll be interesting to know your opinion. How much noise should a man... Because some women don't really want a man going, oh, oh, oh, like giving it all back. I don't think too much. I don't think that's attractive, is it? But a silent man is also a bit off-putting, isn't it? Silent is off-putting. So we want a little bit of appreciation. Two vocalists. Women need to tell men what to do. What about, oh, Peter? Crouches! It's crouches! That's the robot.

51:08How do you know? How do you know? I am not programmed to ejaculate, master. Override. Well, let's move on. Let's move on sharply. Berry up, lads. Women like romance and stuff like that, and they like to be appreciated. if you say and do the same thing it's like you're phoning it in so have a list of different words you can say just say I love you would do it yeah agreed yeah yeah there it is okay hi Abby, Pia and Russell regards to your families want to know where you stand on this new age nonsense my girlfriend insists we both do mirror affirmations in the morning it is meant to positively reinforce ourselves and send out good vibrations for the rest of the world She stands there in a dressing gown saying, I am light, I am love.

52:04I tried it once and burst out laughing. Now she says, I've ruined the energy in the house and keeps whipping the sage out passively, aggressively. Two words, grow up. Thoughts on that? I do it to my kids. I quite like it. Mirror affirmations. No, not mirror affirmations, but I go, you are healthy, you are strong, you are loved. You're telling that to them. She's not telling that to her husband. She's asking him to stand next to her and do the same exercises. It's like my 5 a.m. wanker thing. You should never impose what wellness works for you on other people because if it's not authentic to that person, it won't do anything anyway.

52:43So even were he able to stop himself laughing, he wouldn't be feeling it. So the correct approach there from the woman should be like, okay, you find that funny. What could you do to improve your mental health and wellness? And he might be a bloke, well, I want to go and lift weights and be on my own for 30 minutes. Well, go and do that then. and I'll do my affirmation. But that theory of the brain only believes what you tell it. That's kind of a good way to... If you believe what you're saying. There's no point. You have to get in. It doesn't happen. You have to teach yourself that, I think. True, but you might not believe in that process.

53:15So if you think this process is nonsense, but the positive words are coming out of your mouth. So find a process that works for you. We're all different. Not everyone is verbal and language-based. I am. Some people are physical-based. They need a hug. We've all got different love languages. haven't we and it's it's arrogant to assume that because you want to eat avocados and chant at 5am that's going to work for someone else something different might work for someone else so yeah I'm sick of wellness fascism I'm sick of it that's what that 5am wankers thing is about not the same thing works for everyone else embrace whatever works for your partner and encourage them to find a path that works for them very good agreed okay last one hi Abby Pete Ross Scouser here Listen to you every week You get me through my shifts at work What's the spelling night?

54:04It's outrageous It's because he goes out with a monk He's dissing the Scousers Every city I go to I get stuck right in at the top Apart from Liverpool It's the only city in the UK Where I'm very careful about the jokes I do at the top Because anything you pick Like you go out Make fun of that pavement stone That's where John Lennon Once had a fucking piss never enter fucking Liverpool again do you know what we were with the England team we had a night out in Manchester and they organised three comedians and one was actually John Bishop believe it or not but way before I thought John Bishop he was actually really good but there was a guy before who was from Manchester he just started, first thing he did was start hammering Steve Gerrard and then Cara and everyone went oh you can't I always like obviously the respect that all the players as well were like we wouldn't even laugh so then we just didn't laugh and then he was like oh come on lads and he went like come on like Gary Neville he was going come on guys let's hammer him and everyone went no it was horrendous it was horrendous when I got married my father-in-law Bruno who's a Manc but half Italian he was worried about crying as he walked Lindsay down the aisle so he was trying to stop his tears so if you look on the wedding video he was muttering to himself and I said what were you saying to yourself?

55:25He went, I was seeing Stephen Gerrard slipping. And the thought of him falling over stopped me from crying because it made me laugh at it. It made me laugh at it. Stephen Gerrard slipping. Stephen Gerrard slipping. Oh, slip it. Oh, no, we can't laugh at that. They're all Man U fans, aren't they? I don't follow football particularly. For me, it's like... Okay, just thought I would email to tell you a funny moment with my five-year-old son, Arlo. I have a thing. It's saying quotes from Only Fools and Horses because I love the show. my son tends to copy what I normally say in the house but one time I was stuck in traffic in Frodsham it was a nice summer's day so my car windows were down a lady was walking past minding her own business and my son sticks out his head out the window and absolutely nowhere looks at this woman in the eyes and says oh shut up you tart how good's that how good's that I just sat there both hands on the wheel looking forward trying not to wet myself laughing I think that's fine isn't it I think that's fair.

56:21Would you find that funny if a five-year-old I would laugh my head off. I would. I think children you've got a bit of a free pass. I don't love children swearing or anything like that. I wasn't really swearing was it? No but I like a bit of banter with kids. A bit of banter. I think that one's fine. Children do repeat stuff. Like he's not abusing her is he? He's just repeating Only Fools and Horses quotes. My daughter She's a bit like me sort of a bit high energy quite you know She'll grow into her personality. So I speak her language, and Lindsay can find it a bit challenging sometimes. And she was going through this phase where she was a bit sort of attached to me and being a bit mean to Lindsay.

57:02So we worked through that. I explained to her that's not appropriate. That's your mummy. You've got to love her and everything. And she kept saying, she's like five or six. I want to marry you. And I go, oh, daddy, why can't I be with you forever? First it was cute. And then it starts to turn into, so mummy sleeps in the spare room. And so I was like, right, let's deal with this. I went, this is the reason we can't get married. I'm your dad, right? We can't get married. You have to find a husband. I explained it. And I went, and also it's illegal to get married to someone you're related to. She went, why would it be illegal?

57:33And I went, well, because we share genes. And I explained what they were. If we were to get married, we would have children that wouldn't be very well. They would be disabled because we're related. That's why brothers and sisters can't get married. And that's why it's against the law. And that's why you have to blah, blah, blah. And she took it all in. she's about seven she waited two years right two years i never heard this repeated we were driving we were driving and i've got a friends of mine i've got a brother and sister really close in age and they're fucking dedicated to each other and they were in the back of the car going i love you you're my best friend you're my best friend when we get older we're going to get married together and we're going to go and have children and we're going to live together because we love each other because we're brother and sister and my daughter went no you won't because it's illegal and your children will be disabled how do i tell her off because it's no you told it's legally and genetically accurate yeah oh my god my kids have got me in some remember when um she took this kid was coming around to the house and she was a bit of a pain in the ass and i was like right that's she's not coming anymore so liberty went in and told the kid and then we were at a sports day and the mom's fabulous love the mom and then the kid went um i told my mom what you said about me and i was like i didn't say anything to it you did because lib told me he told me when i'm not allowing your house anymore and i was like adrenaline i just lied i was like no i didn't say that and she's like you did then i had to call the mom up and say look i'm sorry i was put on the spot there but I did say it because the girls have been arguing and the mom was fine but kids just get you into my daughter's very highly strung and there's it's very common this and they grow out of it she's grown out of it now there's something called involuntary breath holding which is where they can't catch they lose their temper so much or they get or they bump their knee yeah I'll get to it but it's horrible it started when she was five months she had this and I took a rattle off her and this baby went and there's nothing more scary well the first time you're at night you call in 999 and the baby comes around yeah mine have done that before what happened was as she got older how can you discipline a child that loses consciousness when you when you tell it off but they don't do that when they get older it's just like a baby thing she stopped at four yeah they cry hold the breath then they go Jack's still kind of just coming out of it now Johnny and Jack did that yeah both of them it's horrific I was hysterical when it happened the first time you go put that down and they go blue, they hold their breath.

1:00:03They do it. And they do a little bit. They hear themselves and they go, to cry. And then they just hold their breath. And they cry, it doesn't count. And then they just go. That's scary. Even if they wake up five minutes later, they pick up from where they were, they go, I can't remember. But as my daughter got old, there was a phase in the middle between three and four. She was like, right, so if I pass out, that's a problem for you. Therefore, you can't tell me off. She worked it out. So we'd be in Sainsbury's, she went I want this barbie and I'm like that's 21 quid you're not getting it she went are you fucking sure about that you want me to lose consciousness here like piss myself on the floor film you saying Grimmie's daughter's unconscious Grimmie's daughter is that what you want is it I'll see you at the till motherfucker that sort of vibe without the swearing that's great though unreal listen Russell unreal mate I'm a fan of myself it's great to have you on our podcast and you know good luck with the podcast the tour I'll send you some and the book I want the book my kids will love that yeah and I'll send you the next one when Brian met Terry that's coming out oh what's that about that's when I brought my chihuahua Brian over and I thought my cat was dying so I took it to the vet and it was just it stopped eating out of jealousy so I've turned it into I've turned it into a picture book for younger readers you know where the Terry's like got surrounded by priests getting the last right cucumbers on his eyes at a spa his heart's broken he's like pooing on pillows and tearing up curtains so it's a funny book for sort of, I'd say, four to seven-year-olds.

1:01:30Oh, lovely. Oh, yeah, that's perfect for us. But come to the show as well. I'd love to. That'd be great. Yeah, I'd love to come, yeah. Because we watch all these comedians, right? You would say the same thing about football. Go, I love football. I watch matches of the day. I've never been to a match, but I still understand football. You tell me to fuck off. I've never been to a ground. It's the same with stand-up. You must go and watch it live, ideally in a theatre. I've got nothing against arena comedians. I respect the business model, but once you go bigger than the Hammersmith you cannot get that I used to go every Friday to Ealing Studios I don't know if you remember that one 80 years ago I grew up in Ealing but Ealing Studios was like one of the oldest film studios in the world I think I played one near Ealing not in the studios yeah in the studios we used to go every Friday night I used to love it absolutely love it didn't know the comedians were I just had the best time where did you grow up then?

1:02:21Ealing really? yeah yeah oh wait you're from a British back of my comedy I hope I don't slip over Get your ladder Mr. Crouch

1:02:34Yeah Alright fuck off then I've never met someone from Ealing before Have you not? They had a brilliant comedy festival on the green Everyone I meet from Ealing Yeah it was quite big in Ealing They've got a big festival on the green there You should go and see it at Ealing comedy festivals Brilliant Yeah that's right And Headliners in Chiswick as well There's another good club Do you want to play the one on Bethlehem Green? Yeah We used to be what was it back door yeah back door when's your next gig then that we can see I don't know go to my website russellcain.com I've been going since January 24 so I'm just sort of mopping up the towns I haven't played yet on this tour it's more about international stuff this leg I've got Canada Paris, Berlin a couple of places in Norway where they speak English better than what I do from Essex but there is a few places left obviously I've got London Palladium that's the big London one I'm doing but I've done a lot more around the M25 because I just prefer the theatre.

1:03:29So I did two nights at G Live. I did Woken Victoria Theatre, a beautiful, massive theatre. That's just down the road from you. I've done loads of places around there. We'll definitely. Yeah, yeah, brilliant. We'll definitely take one in, mate, and good luck with it all. Yeah, thanks a lot. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye.

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