“The Postman Was on Her Fantasy List?!” — Is This Healthy or a Red Flag?

0:29I'm like that. Crouch. Anna Ross. Full of beans today there, Ab. Am I? Yeah, I like that. Sun's out, fun's out. Strong start. Strong start. Yeah. Have you had a nice week? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, just chilled. I'm going on holiday soon, aren't I? So I've just been getting ready for all that. When? End of October we're going. So Barabedos. Oh my God. Who are you going with? Anna and his family. And her family. Anna and his family? Yeah. Oh, that'll be amazing. I know, I know. so we've just been kind of doing our itinerary for it and like holiday shopping. Are you an itinerary kind of guy? I'm not, no, but I've been told I have to be for the holiday.

1:07Because we're all with a wider family so I think we all need to coordinate our days. Yeah, if you're in a big group you need to be coordinated. Yeah, I think so. The only thing you need to coordinate is what time you're hitting the bar. Yeah. Yeah. But if you're booking restaurants and things like that, like if you're in a big group you need to be... And also like some people want to do certain activities that I don't want to do. Like I want to do activities that they want to do. Like what? Some of them want to go scuba diving and I'm not really that fussed on scuba diving. I'd rather do the rum factory.

1:36Do you know what I mean? The rum factory. That would be nice. That would be good. Is there actually a rum factory? Yeah, well, Malibu comes from Barbados. Would you go snorkelling? Yeah, I'd go snorkelling, like turtles and stuff like that, but I don't want to go deep sea fucking diving and all that. We did scuba diving in Barbados. One of the funniest things I've ever seen, I've never seen it. Do you remember? you got eaten alive with a stingray oh fucking hell so we we were snorkeling and um Ab there was like a ray Ab got so scared I said come and look at this why called it a ray because it wasn't a stingray it was it didn't sting us did it it was just a ray it was a stingray oh yeah full stingray put the lights on her feet come on how long have you been going to over anyway anyway so she was really scared so she panicked got back on the boat but there's a little ladder so she's climbing up the boat as she's climbing up the boat she's halfway up the ray jumped on her arms on my arms across my arms so rather than just stay in the water and it going nowhere near her she got on the thing and it got stuck and started flapping in her arms around her face oh my god but I still had the thing and I was like just covered out the tube so no noise was coming out it's terrible she basically was carrying a ray in her hands thank god it was this thing right though I know I know I know exactly that's what Steve is I think it actually did sting me.

2:58It'd kill you. I think that man gave me some aloe vera, didn't he? That was for you, son, Ben. Yeah. That was just his own personal preference. Let me rub that into you, darling. Calm you down. I wish it was a jellyfish. It was a piston, yeah. Jelly. That actually happened to me, you know. Do you remember that? We were with a footballer and his wife, and I jumped in the sea and got covered in stink. Was she in Portugal or anywhere? We were in Ibiza. They'll be the Man of War ones as well. They're the big ones then. Well, yeah, I got stung by loads and I asked Abby to piss on me, basically. You know that thing I've been asking for?

3:38She wouldn't, would you? Absolutely not. It's supposed to help, right? Yeah, it is, yeah, yeah. Would you wee on me? I'd love to.

3:49That is disgusting. I'd actually really like to do that, yeah. you are revolting okay so ask me let's go you'll be ashamed of yourself Peter God ask me we did ask me I'm not asking you now what's the weirdest thing Peter would ask you to do in bed you're definitely not peeing on me in bed piss my new bed God hey Ab Cardi P and Tudor Bell Ross I accidentally found out that my wife has a fantasy list of celebrities she'd sleep with given the chance and I'm fine with that until I noticed our postman was on the list too postman he's not even famous he's just a bloke with calves with calves like tree trunks now I can't look at him without wondering if he knows do you think fantasy lists are healthy fun or are they dangerous no so fantasy lists are yeah I'm sure it's all above board if they're you know a long fucking way away and unattainable the postman should not be on that list.

4:54Oh yeah, who's you seeing every day? So are you saying far, far away? So like, if I, this mine was just like a whole list of Australian surfers. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. You don't need to worry about Leo, babe, because I'm about 20 years too old for him. True. Well, I thought you were going to say because I love you so dearly. He just wouldn't fancy me. I saw that new Leo film the other day. Oh yes. It was really good. Should definitely watch it. Oh, we need to go. Let's go, babe. let's fucking go I'd give it like an 8.5 out of 10 I would say oh really? yeah oh ledge is it a bit like what's that one where he's in the like animal skin?

5:32no not like that at all no it's really good it's quite funny it's funny punchy Revenant no it's not like that film at all it's not like a I wouldn't say like I'm not really a comedy kind of gal it's not like it's not a comedy no it's like a serious film but there's comedy moments in it which kind of lighten it up a bit I'd give it an 8 to an 8.5 yeah definitely worth a watch what's the storyline they're like revolutionaries trying to save the planet and like say no sorry trying to protect immigrants and then like they're blowing things up like they're a bit like violent but for a good cause and then the government comes after them because they're like you know what I mean like revolutionaries basically and they go on the run and then 16 years later this guy comes looking for them again and it's how they're trying to escape from them I don't want to give too much away what's that amazing film with Leonardo DiCaprio in where he's got the brown contacts and his hair's dyed black.

6:20He's in like Iraq or something. It's that fab guy who I love, the bald guy. Oh, yeah. What's his name again? Vin Diesel. No. Mark. Mark. Oh, yeah, you'd always forget his name. Mark Strong. Oh, that is a good film, yeah. But he's in Iraq. He's in Iraq. It's unbelievable, this film. Blood Diamond, isn't it? No, that's South Africa. No, the one where he's in Iraq and he gets injured and he falls in love with the nurse. Mark Strong's in it Body of Lies Body of Lies oh my god watch it tonight it's 11 out of 10 really oh okay go on then I'll give that a go absolutely why do I love Mark Strong so much don't know I think he's just in every film that I like yeah he's seen some great films hasn't he Guy Ritchie films he's in Guy Ritchie films he's totally underrated like no one I don't think anyone like no until you kind of went on you can't put me on my way though yeah it's great okay fantasy less healthy fun or dangerous I think it's dangerous I think you know ultimately it's going to cause a bit of jealousy which isn't a nice emotion to have especially in the comfort of your own relationship you should feel secure and loved I think yeah agreed alright hey both whenever we book a hotel my husband insists on making the most of it by trying new things in bed.

7:49It's fine in theory, but he gets overexcited and packs half of the contents of Ann Summers like he's going on tour. Do you think Hotel is genuinely better or an excuse for married couples to lose the plot? Well, I thought it should be fun. I'm all for it.

8:13It's a chance to, you know, away from children. you can be adults again yeah what do you mean oh you can do fun stuff reconnect reconnect reconnect I'm all for it good for you he does that answer just need to find someone else who's up for it you see when I get into a hotel that's the last thing I want that's the last thing I want no I want the last thing I want I want a massage, get a lovely bath. But I want all those things as well. But I just think this, you know, I do think that it's... I don't want to waste the time in a hotel doing that. I want to just enjoy. I can actually make this. No, I want to make...

9:01I've got feelings, you know. No, make the most of a hotel. Yeah. Just like use the facilities. Like you can get used any day. My boy toy over there. I can get used any day. That's the thing, you can't just use me. I'm not a piece of meat, you know. But you know what I mean? I want to like get in the robe, get a bath, get in the robe, get in the bed, room service, blackout blinds. Brecky in the morning. That's all I'm thinking about. It's the best. Yeah, I love all those things as well. I just think it's a part of the hotel. Yeah. If you're a dirty skunk like you. I'm obviously not the only one, am I?

9:43he's packing all the Ann Summers stuff Hi Abby, Pete and Ross I was catching up on the pod recently loved the episode with Rio Ferdinand and his wife where you played the football terminology guessing game it reminded me of something similar me and my wife do when we can't get to sleep and one night we landed on golf terminology as a category Pete, since you like your golf I thought this would be a perfect challenge for Abby my wife guesses were so funny I had to write them down and I'd love for you to try this game for real on the pod. Abi guesses what the phrase means and then Peter explains the real definition.

10:22This is good, I like this. Okay, so a blob. I'm guessing a blob is like... It's got to be something negative, hasn't it? Yeah, if you hit the ball and it just doesn't do it, it just dies. Yeah, nice, nice. So his wife's answer was, when it goes in the water and it goes blob. It's a crack of that. it's more of a plop it's more of a flop plop isn't it more of a splosh yeah yeah it's obviously a negative a blob's where you don't score you pick up your ball and you take a blob oh okay yeah yeah so that's what it'd be a dog leg a dog leg dog leg her answer's amazing yeah a dog leg dead leg is coming up to me a spare something spare I'm thinking there's a sheep no I'm thinking just so you hit it and then you've got to hit it like that way do you know what I mean like a dog's leg a dog's leg goes like that doesn't it yeah so the shape of the hole so if it's a dog leg right it'd be straight up here and a dog leg right yeah yeah yeah so when you hit the ball you'd probably hit it up there if you big hit it you'd go over the top but it's a dog leg right so it's a blind hole you can't see the hole yeah riveting I'm impressed I got that her guess yeah when someone's got shit shit trousers on dog leg amazing a tough lie I'm assuming I don't know any of these I'm assuming it's weird it's like a difficult shot to make it's landed rubbish yeah it's when it's buried yeah you know you can't obviously move your ball in the rough yeah it's kind of like it's down on like there's a hole in the grass and you're in that bit and you can't get underneath it yeah yeah that's what I would have said yeah she said when you've clearly lied about your score I was going to say that as well I was thinking that as well but then a lip out when someone's she said when someone's fuming about how they're playing tootie lips yeah no so so when you hit a putt and it kind of goes around the rim oh yeah yeah yeah and lips out yeah okay that's what I was thinking I'm not even joking I know I keep saying it like basketball and everything I don't even know what that is myself.

12:42Is that a hole in one?

12:48I'm very good at you. The dance floor. Huh? That was good. Sorry, actually. The dance floor? The dance floor is the bar at the end, is it? No. Good guess, though. The dance floor is the green. So you hit a shot and it lands on the dance floor. Oh, yeah. Pin high? Is that where you need to get a longer T? A pin high would be like, it's in line with the pin when you hit the shot. So you hit the shot and it's like pin high. The pin, it's like the flag, isn't it? The flag. Yeah. Lay up? Hmm? Lay up. Lay up. Is that like where you need to, if it's in the bunker and you have to hit it up the hill? Yeah, it's not good educated guesses, but a lay up's like, say it's like a par five, you've hit your drive, that's one shot.

13:35Some people go for the green in two, but if you lay up you'd just hit a short shot and then you hit another shot in yeah okay cool let's move on good message good message okay so this feels like a pretty good place to take a quick break and hear from our sponsors and remember if you're enjoying this top class crouchy clance Tudor Bob Ross content don't forget to share it with your friends and family

14:06hi there i love the pod it's so funny i've been listening to the pod since the start but my boyfriend has gotten into it now too this isn't a question but i wonder what the immunity balls you were talking about on yesterday's pod where my boyfriend's always catching something and this could be a lifesaver for him so i've had a few messages about this myself and it's basically um just like homeopathic remedies yeah that my homeopath gives me which i 100 believe in but you can get them from any health shop. And if you go into like a good health shop, like on your local high street or whatever, you can speak to the person who works there because they're always very, very knowledgeable and into it all.

14:45It's a bit woo. What would you ask for? The cold immunity. Oh, it's cold immunity. Yeah. Homeopathic remedy. Homeopathic remedy. But it's kind of tailored to each person's different kind of thing. Yeah, but that just immunity one as a general, just to help your immune system. Yeah. And is it one tablet? It's like little kind of sugar balls. Oh, okay. But you're not supposed to touch them with your hand. You have to like tip it into the lid and then put it in your mouth. Because you can't take like the magic charge off them or whatever. And then I just reinforce that with the vitamin D spray, a vitamin C, a zinc, and I take vitamin B12.

15:18That one you sprayed in my mouth the other day when I wasn't really afraid. Yeah, I said, Pete, open your mouth. And it went like that and then he just spat it all over me. I didn't spit it out. In my hands. I was like, what are you doing? No, because you forget when you do the kids, they're like that, aren't they? Because they'd love it than you. But when you're hot, I'm like, ah. You're spraying in and straight out. Do you know what I mean? Because when you're spraying the kids, you just tilt their head back and it just stays in there. She's going like that to me and I'm going, oh. Yeah. And then just come back on.

15:47I'd love to see you two doing shit like that. It just spat all over me. I didn't spit it. I didn't know it was coming in the birthplace. If I tell you to open your mouth, what are you doing? Opening it? I don't know. I'm doing a thing for you. Shut up. I don't know what's going to go in there. I was willing to take my chances. Okay, hi, Cardi P, the Clance, and Tudor Bob Ross. What's the weirdest advert you've ever been in? And what's the weirdest one you've been asked to do but thought, nope, not today? Keep doing what you do. It's brilliant, Rebecca. Or job, I suppose you could extend that to.

16:21Is there any weird jobs you've been asked to do or voiceover work or anything? All of my jobs are weird. I didn't think straddling you while you were strapped to a snooker table and a pair of knickers and bras. I'll be honest, that was that age of provocateur, you know, cameo I was supposed to be in. Ended up frigging hell. Start of the show. Yeah, it was carnage. Am I going to pay for this bitch? What's mine is yours, sister. Oh, yeah, I mean, that was... You've done loads of funny things, haven't you? I've done loads of things over the years, yeah. god I did one for Pringles years ago I was just thinking that one Hyundai I did something remember that one that was quite funny god I think I mean listen all the things I've done I've enjoyed yeah and they're always humorous good experience really I actually enjoy it and yeah the Pringles one I did with Cesc Fabregas and Nicholas Anelka I think it was god they're too blast on the past yeah it was for the World Cup they wanted a Spanish player an English player and a French player obviously so it was an old cup for Abragas and me and then yeah we did various different things I think I did I did a campaign for the World Cup with all the all the wags worldwide for Umbro real world the kit ranking shot at do you remember yeah nice picture that one actually it was a nice picture there have been some shockers have you said you've ever had to go well on the day where you've asked you don't have to name any names particularly what have you gone well there's been some strange things I've done like obviously being the host on the mask dance I was insane like I was sitting there going you know and take it off and I'm going what how did I get here you know sitting next to Jonathan Ross Davina McCall people that you just grow up watching on the telly yeah ain't the bloody Davina or killer yeah you're on the same bloody area no but she was on she was she was doing um she's on telly yeah big brother yeah like long time ago right and I'd say I didn't grow up you know I'm not far off her age but she you know she's an institution right and same with Jonathan Ross so I'm sitting there amongst them watching a pair of old socks take off the helmet like it's like what have I I've got 42 cups for this I think sometimes you have these out of body experiences and you look around you know when I did the show for the BBC and it was live on BBC One after the World Cup and you got like Ed Sheeran and you know Harry Redknapp and I was kind of presenting it Wayne Rooney was there you know it was a mad show wasn't it that fabulous I'm thinking to myself I've got an earpiece in obviously Maya you know is presenting it with me I've got this earpiece in and I think to myself you know all I did was play football right and all of a sudden I'm in this position now and I can hear you know the director going right 10 seconds to live and then I'm like 5 seconds and I'm like I'm on BBC One here and I'm about to go live straight after the World Cup this is what everyone's turning on I haven't got a fucking clue what I'm doing like and I think to myself don't balls it up and how did you get here they're the two things I think and then like then you're right live live on BBC One and you're like this is mad well I mean I like that no it's good yeah it's really good it's good you're good at that stuff well I actually there's a real buzz doing the live stuff.

19:50Yeah. Because you're just like, anything can happen to you. I mean, and you could say something wrong. You could say something, like, there is, and when you come through it. Don't say fuck or shit. Yeah. Fuck. Shit. But there is something special about getting through it because when you're in that position, you're like, oh, this is horrible. So nervous. And then when you come out of it. You never get nervous. No, I do. I do. You must have an adrenaline pump. Yeah, but I do get nervous. He has an adrenaline junkie. Yeah. I'm not I hate adrenaline I like adrenaline do you? yeah I don't there's something special about getting through that moment yeah because you don't like it no one likes it but when you get through it you feel a sense of achievement and pride yeah yeah yeah exactly and then you go want it again I think you'd be quite a good live co-host though because you're quite quick and can turn around and adaptable do you know what I mean like I'd kind of back yeah yeah I mean like you're confident you're very confident which helps yeah but I'm not I'm not confident like I No, you're very confident.

20:49You're not twatty, but you're very confident. You'd exude confidence, maybe. You'd exude confidence, yeah. Yeah, but I think, like, inside I'm still nervous. Yeah. But outwardly, maybe I can deal with it. That's like what a lot of front men say. Like, Robbie Williams was watching his documentary the other day and he was saying, I look like I'm the biggest, most confident guy on the planet and inside I'm like, oh my God, I'm having a panic attack. So, not saying that you have a panic attack, sorry, but. I love Robbie Williams. Yeah, I watched a film of him as well, the monkey film. Yeah, it's a good film.

21:18cute that little monkey wasn't it yeah I loved that actually it was Baffling Mildy did that excellent very clever CAI isn't it

21:31okay I love the pod and the sound of all Abbey's dishes please release some soup recipes from Laurie so I've been talking about this like so I wanna we've talked about this on the football podcast well I'm gonna take one in it's so funny because Pete was like you texted me didn't you saying you wanted the soup and I'd already made it yes you'd already made one I had it when I got in yeah did you have some? no I've had it previously but I didn't have it the other day fancy making one tonight? I can yeah I made your mushroom soup the other week I told you didn't I? I've got mushrooms I could do the mushroom one I do like making a chicken soup oh yeah that is a good one so if you've made a chicken roast the next day get all the chicken off it boil the bones take that out leave the chicken in noodles chopped up carrot a bit of garlic like loads of black pepper.

22:18Fucking hell. That's sensational. It's spring onion. Lucinda said she made the best soup of her life last night. Go on. Which is a chicken broth rice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sliced chicken and coriander and chilli. She had a couple of other spices. And then my broccoli soup is so basic, but it's so tasty. Broccoli still. Broccoli. So I will like fry off some carrot, onions, garlic. in butter, oil of broccoli, in bone broth, with loads of spinach as well, because I just put so many greens as you can, blend it all together, did I say garlic? You did, yeah. Blend it all together, add a little bit of double cream, but you don't have to, because it's creamy enough, and then sprinkle blue cheese, olive oil.

23:07It's about that. It's so like, if you've just got like veg, that's just about to need thrown out, I just literally put it all in. but I like to fry some of them in garlic and butter first it's just more tasty but it's you know chefs are probably chefs are probably listening to that saying that's just absolute dog shit but it's very healthy and very very tasty I've had soups all over the world and that'll cost you about a pound and Chris Dark was saying the other day as well same thing really he said the same thing about your soups yeah they're phenomenal though in the mushroom one gorgeous sensational great work okay hi you sexy people me and my husband undertaking our first couples-only getaway in almost two years since we had our beautiful baby Olivia.

23:50Nerve-wracking, I know. Don't get me started on the anxiety, but that's a different story. We're only away for a couple of nights, and since our daughter's been in our life, our sexy time has taken a bit of a hit. And I know my hubby would be happy locking ourselves in the hotel all weekend for wall-to-wall shenanigans. It's a common theme here, isn't it? Get the suitcase out. This sounds great in theory, but I almost feel like I have zero confidence in this side of our relationship now. And now I've become a full-time mum mode with little time to think about this. My husband keeps sending me links to sexy outfits.

24:28Oh my God. What is this common theme here? Is that every time the wife tried to get away from the pervert husband. What do you think of this maid's over love? role play and other things bring a way to spice things up and it's almost turning me off I know this is really unfair on him and stems from my side so I was wondering if you'd ever experienced similar situations daily and any advice on how I can communicate them and how we can overcome them, a non please I love the way she says any advice on how we can communicate this to you when I interviewed the sex doctor on exhibit a she said men women build up like a not a fear is not the word fear like anxiety against men because men you know without you can't just go from a to z you need a b c d e to get to z so like because men think as soon as they come out they come over to you have to have sex with them yeah and i think that's true all the time no if you don't have any physical touch or anything just hold a hand or a cuddle then that builds up this thing in women where they like repel the men it's not fun for the man though is it no no well what's not fun i know we look at it from the female point of view but you know the hormones as you you know eloquently described to me regularly men have hormones too which is you know testosterone well men's testosterone is at an all-time low from the start of time at the moment just so you know well yeah there might be a time where the man in this instance doesn't doesn't doesn't want to wants to go to hotel and just sleep as well and then you'll be fucking fuming about that.

26:25It doesn't even fucking fancy me. If we went to a hotel and I went, oh, shut the curtains, go for a massage, you know, and watch the real book. I'd be like, heffa. No, but I think... No, babe, I don't know why you're putting me in this category, by the way. No, I'm just saying in general, I think, you know, that'll be a problem as well. Yeah, it would. You know what I mean? He fancies his wife and he wants to have her. All jokes aside, when you have a new baby, you know, you've got sleep deprivation, you do have your mummy body you know everything does change hormones how you feel about yourself your body because it just does because you've been pregnant for nine months you don't feel that's definitely something i can resonate with you didn't feel as body confident afterwards she might have anxiety about leaving the baby for the first time as well she will she said she has and she will so that's on the back of her mind the first time leaving the baby in two years.

27:19Ross, I have that now. Well, exactly, do you know what I mean? I've got a bloody 14 year old and I'm like still, still sick. And he's trying to lay it on her. She might be a bit like, how could you do this? When I was on thinking, what's the baby? Yeah, I think they just need to take the time and communicate and she needs to say, look, I feel like this. I don't, you know, I know it's not sexy for a man if you're going like, oh, I feel shit about my body and all of that. But I think he needs to. Well, I think he just needs to slow it down a little bit with the onslaught of outfits. She should just send him back a fleece dressing gown.

27:47Yeah. Well, that was a nice one to finish on, wasn't it? Yeah. All right. That's the AMAs. See you next week.