This One Mistake Will Put You in the Doghouse INSTANTLY!

0:00Abbey Clancy: Get on the chin, there's one there. Give me an hour. Fast forward a few hours and I'll receive a text from my beloved that clearly wasn't meant for me. Baby, baby. Mopies. I'm actually going to dump you, do you know what? Do my edit. Ask me anything. Hello and welcome to the Therapy Crouch. Ask us anything with me, Abbey Clancy. And me, Peter Crouch. Hey guys. How are we? You looking happy today, Ross? I'm in a good mood. I think it's been good vibes in the Crouch household today. Yeah, it has been actually. Because I fed you some meatballs. Back to our old cells. Yeah, to be fair. Feathers once.

0:41That was a great lunch you provided.

0:44Abbey Clancy: It's the Grappelli meatballs. Unbelievable. No one does it better. The pasta itself as well is like as equally as a star. Peachy. It's the homemade pasta. The thick spaghetti. I love it. But did everyone notice that? How selfless I was? I didn't have any. No, I didn't notice. I was too busy devouring you. It was so nice though. You're going to have to take me out tonight to get some meatballs. Not a problem. I have got a game of paddle though. I've just written at 7pm. We can work around that. It's only an hour. Why can't we go at five then for dinner? Let's go at five. Perfect. Happy with that?

1:19Abbey Clancy: I'd like to eat early anyway. Yeah, good, yeah. Can you eat before the game of paddle? It really is. I barely move. I just stand in a team. Playmaker. I'm standing in a team and put people around. Who were you playing with? Who were you playing with? Ollie. Yeah, a few lads. He just texted me and just said Francie and I was like, yeah. So you said yes after? No, he texted me at 1.08. No, he texted me at 11.16. And at what time did I ask you to take me out to go for dinner? I think it was about 12. No, nine. Nine. I said you were still in bed when I asked you. You were still in bed this morning when I asked you for that?

1:59What cuisine would you go for this evening if you were to go out?

2:02Abbey Clancy: I'm going to go to Deliano. Oh, yeah. That one in... I'm just craving it. Very nice. Do you know where I really want to go to? Dovetail. Tom Sellers' place. Oh, yes, yes. We've got the Nickerbocker Glory stand that came over to the table. It's one of my favourite restaurants. Story's one of... That's the one he's got the Michelin star for. We haven't actually done that one yet. No. We need to do that. Dovetail's like one of her favourites. Yeah. So we've got Oasis. Is this the one he's been invited on this time yeah I couldn't go to the last one at Wembley yeah it's a shame really because I ended up going with the lads and he had to get lively he could get lively you went home too late sister no I wasn't too late no we just started early we actually played golf it was a fantastic day well I was at golf at like half seven golf then straight on the beers and then straight to Oasis it was phenomenal and oh my god it was phenomenal I want to get there early because I want to see Richard Ashcroft as well yeah even cast before that you know oh I love cast cast cast who's cast who is cast the scouse the scouse oh my god walk away walk away that's what they say what they say what they say gotta walk away gotta walk away right now they also sing they're proper scouse as well what a line up cast Richard Dickie Ashcroft and Oasis oh I hope we get to meet him he's on my wish list to meet and I've never met him him and Bono him and Bono what are you going to wear for Oasis I've absolutely no idea you asked me that like a week in advance of most things did you not get any merch last time you went yeah I've got like a Oasis bucket hat get it on well obviously I'm obviously wearing that that's a no brainer why didn't you wear that hoodie thing that I got you that is good with roasted isn't it did you just want what about that placarditas one yes that's smart did you fleece that though you can't wear that you can't wear a bloody fleece in August you stupid bastard you laughed I hope you're calling him that you looked at me as a stupid bastard so used to doing it I didn't actually say anything I've actually never called you a stupid bastard whatever I actually haven't what a lie we actually to his face yeah We don't actually swear at each other.

4:28Abbey Clancy: Do you? No. Fair? No. Do we? No, we don't. I was very close to saying something, but I didn't refrain. You got dropped a C-bomb. Yeah, I was. Yeah, I was like, you know what, I'm not even going to lower myself. Don't you dare, because I will instantly dump you already on a thin line. You're on a thin line. Why am I on a thin line? You're on one. Why am I on a thin line? On a tightrope, young lady. So, yeah. they're nice they're nice young man they're nice yes Oasis is going to be great Dublin one of my favourite cities we're going to go and see Scott and Scott's mum Catherine so she's taken well I was I want to take her out for lunch but she's changed it she's taken us out for lunch that's cute Irish breakfast oh yeah full Irish we'll have a full Irish it's a bit of black pudding very nice oh I love that okay shall we get into the AMAs AMAs guys AMA I went on a date with a guy who brought his own cutlery to a restaurant for hygiene reasons.

5:27Now he's asked to see me again. I'm torn between blocking him and marrying him for the content.

5:32Abbey Clancy: Yeah, same. Thoughts, please. I don't mind that. Serial killer. Serial. That is not, I mean, that is. Have you ever seen knife and fork in Ikea? Blow your mind. What? What do you mean? Can you go to the Ikea cafe? What? Yeah. Minging? I don't know. It's giving you the ick, but also what other little idiosyncrasies has he got? That could be funny. No, it means he's clean and a germophobe. Yeah, but the germophobe sometimes is a bit weird, I think. It could take over your life, though. If you're too much, it's like, ooh, you know, not even, you wouldn't share toilet seats or stuff like that. Two brushes.

6:10You shouldn't share a toothbrush anyway. It's just a booster. No, but like certain things, like, you might... She's brushing her scum off her teeth

6:18Abbey Clancy: and you're brushing your scum off your teeth. Yeah, but no, anyway, it doesn't matter. Just no? Little things like, you might put like a little, like, like a sheet over his driver's seat or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Disinfecting the driver's wheel every time. Yeah, like, I always do that. Oh, fuck off of you. I do, I've got, because if I go to the horse or if you're with the dogs, I always give me a wheel a quick. If you're a germaphobe. Well, do you, this guy could, yeah, something you'd get on a car or something. You should go out this fella. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a strange one that.

6:52One more date. and get him in a number of different environments and see how bad he is. I think it's quite a bold move

6:59Abbey Clancy: for a first date. It's kind of, unless he doesn't think it's weird. So, why are you single then? Like seriously, if you went out for dinner, right, and someone just unraveled their own knife and fork and just placed them down, put them on the side and then didn't say anything, you automatically think, I've never seen this man again. Yeah. I think you would I think go on another date see what other quirks he's got and then get back to us yeah take him on the tube yeah don't seem simple he's got gloves on the escalator I think that's correct I know well I've seen you on the tube sight to behold you alright then I'm alright hi guys absolutely love the pod your advice is iconic and some have averaged one-liners towards the chinless wonder living.

7:55Can we just state right now, right? This is not going to be my nickname now. Like Cardi P's bad enough. The chinless wonder.

8:10It's not fair. It's cute.

8:11Abbey Clancy: It's not fair. Johnny's got it. Johnny's got it as well. It's a quick one anyway. me and my girlfriend were having an argument the other day nothing major just some of our usual gripes rearing their ugly head anyway fast forward a few hours and I'll receive a text from my beloved that clearly wasn't meant for me it was a screenshot of some of our texts some of them were fairly intimate I've done that that I wouldn't have shared anywhere else and attached was a note saying this is the shit I have to put up with I genuinely can't cope I'm annoyed for a few reasons she's basically taking the piss sat at me publicly to her friends over fairly serious topics also if she's sharing this private info what else is she sharing also what a schoolgirl error that is an ick in itself it's not an it's not a sackable offense however can i make her life a doghouse misery please yes so so did she mean to put the intimate text on or was that just on the screen i think he's basically had the the arguments and he's gone like whatever they've said i don't think he means intimate as in sexy stuff just intimate as in like private arguments and stuff and then she sent that to her mates and then she's gone look at this dickhead and the thing is i always do that yeah i i would expect you to yeah i do it as well do you do you take screenshots of my messages and send them to people i take screenshots yeah and send them to her just send them to the golf groups who would your friend of choice be to send oh fuck i don't i always do i mean i'll get the house i forgot about I send it to multiple friends.

9:45Yeah.

9:46Abbey Clancy: Like if you send me like a twatty message. I don't send you twatty messages. Like in an argument. But anyway, yeah. You have. I send them all. I screenshot them and I'll send them to Lucinda, Kaz, Alfie, my sister. If I send anything to Ab, I say to myself, would I like Lucinda to read this? Or see this? Yeah, because I know you're just going to... Kaz, Lucinda, Alfie. L, get every single message I would suggest. Not nice messages, only argument messages where you give me a complete character assassination. I'll be like, what do you think? Is this me? Am I really like this, girls? And boys. And boys.

10:30Back to the lad now. Is he right to be annoyed? Yeah, he's right to be annoyed. Jesus Christ, it's wrong, isn't it? I think so as well.

10:38Abbey Clancy: She'll have known that she'd sent it. To him. yeah but she she hasn't meant that has she she's constantly look at the shit I have to put up with and then she sent it to him I think that's an accident oh it's definitely an accident yeah that is how girls process problems in their relationships they will consult their nearest and dearest friends and ask for advice and help or also like if you're really upset would you say something like that like look at it like look at him look at this shit what was that even a real question I think I wrote that exact message remember that one this is the shit i have to deal with yeah i think i've actually i can't cope i think it was i think this is me actually yeah she's right this is yeah so how can how can i think his real question is though is how can he dog also no we just need to say if if that's what how he feels about it you know this is between us i don't feel comfortable with you sharing it with your friends and her response will be i have to talk to my friends about how i feel so shut up No, I think she needs to be on a sex band.

11:42But birds don't normally mind, do they? What can you do to doghouse herpes? Just go out. Who's the lads? Yeah, go out on the lash. Get on you. Just go out, yeah, definitely. Just go out and leave her in. Start making lingering looks at other girls in front of her. Yeah, that's how you think about, that's what you think about me. Yeah. I'm off.

11:59Abbey Clancy: Get on the chin, this one, do they? Giving it all up. Giving it all up. Giving it all up. Giving it all up.

12:14we're gonna walk him one week Pete's gonna have a holy jaw like honestly Pete's gonna have like I get bullied on this podcast Pete's gonna have

12:21Abbey Clancy: filler all in his jaw like that getting absolutely bullied we do not tolerate bullying on this pod no you don't tolerate it dish it out hi Abby and Pete I'm 34 single and I feel like everyone around me is coupling up popping out kids and doing nursery tours while I'm still trying to remember my deliveroo password how do I stay positive when life's timeline feels totally off mate you're in a great place 34th single none of this live the dream mate enjoy yeah did he give the real answer now the things he gives to be 34 and single actually you're not much older than 34 I'd love to be 34 How old are you 39?

13:09Abbey Clancy: Nearly 40 I'd love to be 34 but not single I'd love to do it all again with you Peter I think at 34 it's a young age I don't think especially this day and age don't worry about it like yeah friends might be doing it and yeah and that starts making you think about it but don't rush it you need to find the right person because if you don't find the right person you rush it and you settle down with someone that's not right it's only going to end in tears and you're back to square one again at a later date. So I would say make sure you find the right person and enjoy finding them. Great advice. Yeah, that was very wholesome actually.

13:47Abbey Clancy: Do you think you found the right person? I do think I found the right person, yeah. Thank you. Most of the time. I often think of it, yeah. Crouches, I'm a 28-year-old guy who's secretly in love with his housemate who also happens to be his best mate's ex. do I risk it all for a shot at love or is this just the classic cakes of proximity horn I know people say don't shit where you eat but also you can't trust people people think Taylor Swift has good music what? what a shout what a shout Taylor Swift shuffle yeah amazing I think are you i'm watching this show at the moment which i absolutely love it's got it's called like in summer the summer i became pretty no i haven't seen that one it's amazing but it's like a teeny teen drama yeah pete hates it but i love it but she went out with two brothers she's been back and forth with the two brothers like naughty behavior that isn't it but they're both in love with that she's in love with both of them and can't make up a mind she's supposed to be getting married to one of them but she's definitely going to leave him and go back to the other one Conrad Spoiler alert Spoiler alert It's not spoiling You're not spoiling Oh god I love it Don't you like it?

15:08It's such a girly show and it's a teen girl show it's not even like

15:13Abbey Clancy: An old bird show Yeah At least an old bird show is usually some action This is like teeny isn't it? They have a bit of action a bit of dry humping It's all very kind of Above board Teen teen frat house vibe. It's not for me, babe, if I'm honest. You've had it on the last few nights. So back to this guy, should you go out with... I think he should speak to his mate. No. No. No? I don't think you should get to do that. But I think, you know when he split up with her, the best mate, and his best mate is now living with her, wouldn't you be worried anyway? Yeah. You'd be a bit like, oof. I lived with someone who was my friend previously, and then they started going out with each other and then they split up but I'd moved out by then.

16:01But if I was still living there, I'd be living with my best friend's ex. I just think it's that dynamic. Yeah.

16:08Abbey Clancy: Why? Because she's available but not every female is available. No, no, no, no. But I'm saying it's not weird. You men, the way you men think? No, I'm saying that I just see why that dynamic might come around. I don't think that's out the realms of possibility. If you live with someone, a girl, and it's just you and her, there might be a point where something happens. It's only the same as living with your mate's girlfriend. As much as if it's his girlfriend or his ex. Even that, you wouldn't be too happy. Yeah, yeah. No matter what, you wouldn't. Babe, not every human being is desperate to jump into bed together, you know?

16:37Abbey Clancy: No, I know, but I'm just saying... I'd rather live with my bed than my best mate. Live with me bed. There's a chance of it happening, is what I'm saying. Yes, can you stop... Using that vulgar language. I know, yeah. Bed. What I'm saying is that there's a chance. There's a chance. Would you like me, so if you didn't live with me, and you in a way and I was living with a girl on my own how would you feel my best friend if you lived with Kaz it wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't think you'd get it on or if you lived with my sister or Lucinda there's absolutely no way in hell yeah anyway number one because they're not your type you're not their type why not because we've got different tastes but hold on an age defying physique is everyone's type yeah it is should they go for it or not I think you should say to his mate mate have you still got any feelings for this girl if not I'm going to crack on I'd just crack on and not tell anyone because you could crack on and then she'd knock you back and then you've had to have that awkward convo with your mates but he loves her he's not just wanting to a little he doesn't want a little bit of how's your father he said I'm secretly in love with my housemate yeah everyone thinks that you know I'm not sure have you ever been in love with a housemate that's how it right I used to grow up and get a new housemate yeah I don't know I think he's best mates miss ex-missas don't think that's that's not acceptable I'm ghetto I couldn't move out I don't think that's acceptable so you wouldn't go you wouldn't go out with one of your mates exes no no not your best mate absolutely not I wouldn't but girls don't do that kind of thing but just think if it's a boy.

18:21I think the girls do do that. Yeah, definitely do. Hi, Pete and Abby. I am in a very happy long-term relationship. No but in coming, I swear. And I was thinking the other day about how much we have both changed in terms of what we do or say in front of each other compared to the early days. Do you think couples who get too comfortable like going to the toilet with the door open, plucking chin hairs on the sofa and chatting mid-wipe, are stronger or just slowly killing the spark? Slowly killing the spark. I think you do get more I think it's inevitable the more comfortable you get I think it shows a sign of a deeper love for me I agree I agree with that I think you're so comfortable with each other but obviously yeah

19:00Abbey Clancy: is the comfy chair a good place to be though? no I agree there is there is an element of that you don't want to be you know friends you still want to fancy them don't you? yeah date nights still need to be high on the agenda but I think I think it's nice to get comfortable with someone it's nice to be yourself but I wouldn't be I don't know it's it's not over it's a fine line it is a fine line it is it is a fine line because you still want to them to fancy you you fancy them you want it to be exciting if you're watching your husband wipe his arse it's not it's not it's not high on your agenda is it really not really it's not what you it wasn't it's not the fairy tale no like especially when this is the same guy who used to take you out and open the car door for you and yeah and I was like can you check me piles snog you in at the traffic lights and I was like wife knows big smelly bum not little smelly bum

20:01didn't happen to you I'm not saying

20:03Abbey Clancy: me and you you f***ed it I'm not talking not everything at all it was Ross who's hammered me not you oh I was going to say not everything is aimed at you I'm just well I was yeah but I wasn't aimed at my analogy I said I'm getting hammered today sorry Peter yeah she laughed to death while we know I think it's a fine line agreed you still need to keep that air of mystery a little bit not that I have but you know you should keep that spark alive Clance the OG podfather and Tudor Bob Scott amazing what's your take on couples sleeping in separate beds I love my partner but she sleeps like a spin kicking twitchy ninja and I'm considering getting a separate room before I develop PTSD from spooning I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her think it's because I don't want to feel affection towards her but something has to give also a man has knees and I'm sure a conjugal visit will be on the cards as often as the warden allows thoughts on separate beds I don't like the idea of separate beds I think obviously because we had like three kids under five and there's kids coming in your bed through the night.

21:22Yeah.

21:23Abbey Clancy: You know, it's kind of one in, one out situation. But I personally don't like it, but people, people survive with doing it. I think maybe if a compromise could be they could fall asleep together and then he could get out. Yeah, I think, I think it's nice to get into bed at the end of the day together. But I think if you're going for pure sleep, it is actually probably better. Yeah. And if you get like, even if you get up in the middle of the night, sometimes you drift off together, but then if you get like a twitch or like you get hit or you snore too loud or whatever, you can get up at like one in the morning.

21:58Even when you wake up and things like that, like different times.

22:00Abbey Clancy: I'm so still to sleep with, aren't I? Yeah. You're no trouble.

22:10Genuinely no trouble at all.

22:13Abbey Clancy: Just the bloody cat on our head. Not the worst thing in the world, sleeping with you, mate. I'll be honest. Yeah, I'm quite like... Easy. Cute, I think. You are cute, yeah. Cute on the other hand. Snoring. Giraffe. Giraffe, mate. Anything nice to say about me today? You look beautiful and you've got really long eyelashes when you're asleep. Which is nice. Oh, that's cute. You do make a hell of a lot of noise. A hell of a lot of noise. Well, I don't mind. I'll just give you a little flick. I know you do I'm the nose well I think it works for some people and it doesn't for others we like to cuddle don't we we do yeah Pete and Abby do you think having sex on a schedule kills the mood or actually helps make sure it happens we've got two kids two full time full time jobs and barely enough have enough time to blink never mind flirt I feel like this is a necessity if you if you have you have to pencil it in I know people who do this you have to do you yeah unfortunately it's obviously not how you want to live life no one wants to live like that if you've got four children you're both working kind of have to do you have to yeah it's Wednesday hop on yeah which is terrible isn't it awful but if you give yourself a window at least it doesn't have to because if you say okay at 5pm I'll meet at a Friday at 5 in the bedroom like that's a bit clinical but if you say Friday night is our sacred night where normally we will get our jiggy on that's different isn't it I think that's quite exciting if Avie said to me five o 'clock be there oh my god I thought I think that's definitely more exciting as well

24:01I'd have to do barnet yeah if I said

24:04Abbey Clancy: Friday 5pm in the room that would be for me that's exciting that excites me if I said to you Friday 5pm 5am I'll stop you asleep I'm washing my hair yeah yeah piss off I think it kills the romance but I it's so difficult when you've got children and busy jobs and you know at the end of the day kids are in bed you just want to go to sleep I think that's why date nights are important and I think I think it doesn't have to just all be about S-E-X I think being tactile and lovey-dovey and cuddling and kissing each other throughout the week would lead to that. But you can't expect to not get one kiss, one hand, hold of a hand, one...

24:51I might not feel like it's aimed at me. No, it's not.

24:54Abbey Clancy: No, it's not. I'm just saying that this is how women feel. Women feel, some women feel, I spoke about it on exhibit A, some women feel like the only time the husband comes near them is when they want to have SEX. So then it kind of repels them from their husband because they're like, I don't... That word repel. Didn't like that word repel. That's a fucking bad word, that. Imagine being repelled, my other. It repulses me. He comes in and he absolutely repulses me. He wants to have sex with me and he repels me.

25:33You know what I mean? Proceed, darling. It's...

25:39Abbey Clancy: I suppose this works for men and women, but I was completely speaking from a female point of view on my podcast, Exhibit A. If there's more touchy-feely, both partners being more tactile, a snog, it would generally have better chances of leading towards SEX. But if you have none of that and your first instance of physical touch is the guy wants to get it on, it's not going to happen. Okay, I get you. I'm following you. Did we learn anything, boys? No, we learned. They're very educational. That's not aimed at you, by the way.

26:23Thanks.

26:24Abbey Clancy: I fancy one of the dads in the school WhatsApp group. How do I slide into his DMs without looking like the kind of man who spikes the PTA bake sale? What? Do you fancy someone in the WhatsApp group? One of the dads in the school WhatsApp group? Yeah. I'm presuming he's got to be single. I hope so. I imagine so, yeah. If a dad's on a WhatsApp group, usually it's because he's not with the mum and he needs the info. That's just not true. Or on ours, it's a mum's group, isn't it? No, it's not. There's loads of dads on ours. Loads of fit dads on ours.

27:02Abbey Clancy: No, there's loads of dads on our WhatsApp group. I'm the only dad on the mum's one. That I'm on. What bloody group are you in? You're not on it. Yeah. You're on football. Localmums.com. Beaver FC. Singlemums.com. So how can she slide in? Well, I would suggest that she doesn't slide in if he's married. And if he is, that's horrendous. Okay, let's assume everyone's single in this scenario. No, no, he's single and she's single. I would suggest. I don't think you'd write in if it was married. Our listeners wouldn't do that. Break up marriages. homewreckers no way I'd just find his number out the list I'd text him would you?

27:47Abbey Clancy: I'd just go hey send him an accidental nude like accidental text the shit I've got to put up with the nude says fit dad on this water yeah I'd just there's no time to play games just say hey do you want to go out for a drink? or whatever what about the old obviously the kid why doesn't she DM him yeah self a play date for the kids exactly but we need sorry you know Johnny just can't stop talking about yeah yeah yeah Rupert yeah and then you go like we must have a play date get around for a play date and then say do you want to do you want to come in for a coffee yeah there you go double play date yeah I've sorted the night for them too yeah exactly they're locked in the playroom get up them stairs you sexy bum job doesn't it I think organise a play date yeah bish bash bosh you sound like you've done that before no I haven't nobody's keeping that in the locker I know yeah Lucinda Pete's asking me play dates I haven't even got kids yeah I'll be there I'll be just firing them out everywhere I'll be known as play date Pete

29:11Abbey Clancy: mopey i'm actually gonna dump you do my edit i could two can play that game sister listen you've i think you're you've given your fair share today yeah so um stop looking at me i was looking at you on big too then it's big it's big it's red okay well Jack's got his little presentation now for his football camp so I'm going to go and see him and his front tooth fell out yesterday and I missed it because he was in Lucinda's and her dog at it at the tooth do you know he's a little gold tooth if you've got a little gold tooth he wants a gold tooth does he a grill yeah you know what he's like yeah but anyway you best get to that presentation yeah I will do but I've enjoyed it I've enjoyed it me too thanks a lot thanks for the next day cheers guys we're getting deleted off all the WhatsApp groups sorry you're not on them play date please