World’s Worst Job Revealed: ‘I couldn’t got the toilet for THREE DAYS!!’

0:28There's a lot of perverts out there who love feet. trotters out of 10 I got 10 on wicky feet you did you know I don't know it's quite a big it's a big big toe for a female yeah but I'm tall so I need and it's like it's like a tree with a small root yeah it's no good it doesn't work no I agree I agree agreed how are we I will put them away then I do not want to lose I like your feet I think your feet are lovely no because it's weird you touch my feet we're all friends now it's a therapy crouched family now isn't it 100 % I think we're fine The views are either skyrocket or drop off. There's a lot of perverts out there who love feet.

1:05I'm not, feet don't make me sick. I don't mind feet. No, I can take them all even. Some people are really offended by feet, aren't they? I sucked Lucinda's big toe, didn't I? Not a bit much. I wouldn't suck a mate's toe. Just coming home in a taxi all pissed in Ibiza, and she was, I was in the front, and her feet were through, and I threw the middle. I just put her whole foot in my mouth. But her feet are like that big. Gail's feet are alright to be fair but I wouldn't put a lads to tell me oh fuck that oh yeah nowhere they've been no no the hairy toe yeah my mate I've got to say this when we were kids obviously we used to sit there and watch football videos all day yeah and he used to lie on his couch but he had his TV he was there he his feet were the equivalent of hands he could change channel with his foot who's this Greg he used to pick up the remote which Greg so we'd be watching Matt Letizia and he did not even move.

2:01He'd go bang, he'd get the remote, he could do stuff with his foot, change channels, he'd eject, get the video. Don't remember, eject. He could get the video like that, he'd get Matt Letizia, he'd put it there and then he'd go for like, he'd just bang on like, you know, goal of Maradona. All the goals of, of Italia 90. Bang, straight in, press play. Meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile, while his cat was giving birth. He's all just watching like that. I was going to say, the times we had in that house. Julesy's got feet like hands as well. Julesy's got the biggest toes, longest toes I've ever seen.

2:41Yeah, they are long toes. Long toes. So my, it's not necessarily my toes that are long. It's my foot. My toes curl over. You've got like, it's like your femur. Yeah, my femur's, I reckon between knee and hip, Wow. I'm going to say, that is a long, I'm going to say, I don't think there's a longer femur on planet Earth. You know, Sophia's leg, you know, Sophia's femur is another half on mine. Wow. So when her legs, like her hips are by my boob. Fucking hell. Her legs are, legs 11. Ugh, phenomenal. I generally think that my height, I reckon I'd be normal height if I had half a femur. Because you've got short body.

3:22No shit here. I think everything else is pretty, I think my body's pretty normal I get it all so I see what you mean do you know what I'm saying not too far I've got a long shin I think it's my legs in general I think you've got a short body and long legs maybe but that's the way to be is it no one wants short legs get peace on the catwalk well I think it could be imagine if I had a really long body a body but people have got that leg Jack Clifford's got that he's got a long body he's 6 foot 5 I know what you mean but he's got a really long body and short legs I was like I'm pointing that that's a weird one like because height you definitely I do think you'd probably want the leg option rather than the long body or a long neck.

4:01Oh, I love a long neck. A long neck? It's a thing for me. Oh, shut up. Shut up. I love a long neck. Is my neck going or not? No. Is it not? So it's a normal neck. Normal, yeah. Like my ajama's got a long neck. Yeah. It's just so elegant. I know what you mean. It does look elegant. On a lady, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is a thing, a nice neck. Yeah. I love it. I've got a short neck. you haven't stop drinking it so I can't I've got a room sucking it in as well swallowing I'd like my neck to be longer would you? yeah won't be able to get that done with all the other stuff that's the next treatment stretching it like that oh I did that in the gym the other day just know the bar just held the bar oh does your body click is everything yeah and you just hang at the bar I've been doing it every day now you know for my posture you've noticed he does this every morning I've got to demonstrate it's good to know it's good to open things out I just walk into the bathroom for anyone who's not watching our abby's on currently on all fours I'm going to leave it at that I've stretched my back off just realised that, you know, because I'm so tall, I'm getting to the age now where my posture's important to me.

5:27Got a bit of a hump going on, quasi. Yeah, I think I could potentially be quasi, yeah. So I'm trying to counteract that. But I've got terrible posture. No, it's because I'm ducking through doors on a regular basis. I talk to people, I bend out. A hundred percent. I'm slightly worried, you know. I had scans recently, you know, like a full body thing, which was amazing, I have to say. Just a little MOT. A little MOT, yeah. You know, thankfully we were able to do that and did it and, you know, all my vital organs are good. I'm quite healthy. Unfortunately. I've got longer to wait for that will. Longer to wait till I can sell that golf membership.

6:05Basically, I'm good to go. But there's a slight curvature of the spine, which I think is to be expected if you're... I think so, yeah. It's not curvature of the spine, Pete. That's the wrong term. Whatever it is. Curvature of the spine is like scoliosis. You've got compressed discs because of posture related. Okay. Yeah, because I'm so tall, I think doors, speaking to people, everything's bending down. No, because I've got a microphone, I can't bend down other than put my nose on it. I'm trying to do it another way. But yeah, basically I think that's, you know, I think someone in my height, that's pretty normal.

6:39That's what I would expect. But I do have to try and counteract it. So I am trying to counteract it. Nice. Taking positive steps. I like that. What else is there? How are you, Ron?

6:52my posture's fine but it's okay that's the bob yeah still tutoring I need a haircut because actually I'm going to get one this week I think your hair grows like wildfire yeah wildfire and it's dead thick look at it so long all the time I know I know for now I'm going to keep it rocking while I still can't I think you should keep it long yeah I'm going to let it out this week but yeah you never get to that length I always blow out yeah I've been trying to grow my hair that long for 40 years. I'd like to do that. Mine just doesn't grow my hair. Do you think I could do that? Yeah, but you always keep cutting it.

7:28Well, yeah, but I haven't so far. Yours just grows down in one point, pull it down at the front. Yeah, you'd have to get it restyled. I have to get the curtains cut into mine. It's just that bit grows. That's only how long mine is, look. That's only how long mine is. I need my roots doing at the moment, look. But my roots grow, but my hair doesn't. it's so bizarre like there's no length but I've got a route well it obviously is drawing isn't it it just snaps off the other end oh it snaps off the it just gets dark and stays the same I'm trying not to I need to I need to go to Paul Edmonds and get my collar done how's your week been then guys great week exciting week I've you know recovering from the flow yeah you sound a lot perkier than you did on the last episode it's still a little bit lingerage yeah yeah nice I took Jack to Champions League game at Tottenham I have to say thanks to Tottenham for looking after us because we did get looked after how was that are you taking our son to that team that's not ours Tottenham is one of his teams Tottenham is one of my teams it's one of your teams we're Liverpool fans I played at Tottenham I had some great times at Tottenham and it was amazing to take him Champions League game he was mesmerised and Spurs did well actually it was good I've heard the hospitality the new stadium it was unreal it was amazing we were well looked after you know we were in the chairman's suite and all that it was amazing I said son don't get used to this this is not real football this is not Southampton away but it was great you saw our Michael there McIntyre yeah Michael McIntyre was there was Nick there he goes to the Tottenham Games I sent him a few pictures but I don't think he was there we met Gary Mavitt Ledley King wow few club legends Pat Jennings yeah what did Ledley think of Jack Peter Crouch Ledley yeah great he was chatting to him Jack's got verbal diarrhea at the moment I know my little boy's obsessed with captains yeah and I said this was my captain when I was here he said was he captain yeah so yeah he was captain have you ever been captain yeah once or twice but just when the captain wasn't there who for I was captain of Stoke at Tottenham actually weird scenario was it neither I didn't like it yeah it gave me something else to worry about pressure yeah that I didn't need what like?

9:51well like the toss beforehand what toss? you know the the coin toss no 11 when you say what end are you shooting into? tails never fails yeah well that's it literally the coin toss right and you decide which end you want to be does that happen on every game? every game yeah never seen that really yeah so you decide which end to be or you decide what end do you pick? home end well sometimes if you're say because Liverpool for instance would always want to attack the cop end in the second half right so you get the support sucking the ball in yeah yeah that's the support so if you're an away team it might mess with their head to get them to kick to the cup first half yeah but then Liverpool would get the ball to start yeah no we still don't get it uh yeah and I can't be bothered to explain let's move on weekly ones right this is the part of the podcast where we hear from our sponsors and just while you're hearing from our sponsors if you could just hit subscribe that would be fantastic for us Abby if you were to give me my phone I think she's been three years now I don't think she actually subscribes to our own podcast no I don't I don't know how to do it so if she can do it how do we do it Crouchy well give it to me and I'll do it for you you literally go on press subscribe I think then you then you just get all the and then I can share it with my friends as well you can share it with your friends and I could you could even teach her how to leave a review you could if you wanted to this is Rome wasn't built in a day top quality content just subscribe will ya this next part of the podcast is supported by Tui okay guys before we get into this I've got a staff for ya there's a poll recently conducted said 52 % of couples couldn't agree with their partner on where to go on holiday what do you make of that?

11:32my partner does what he's told that's what I'm angry we agree totally yeah yeah yeah because 50 % of us has no sway no we do we do like to make suggestions don't we No, we do. Listen, you know, I think it's hard. Let's be honest. It's hard to get the right balance. Yeah, it is stressful finding a destination that ticks and a hotel that ticks every box. Okay, well, dream holiday for me, right? And then talk about the whole family for you included as well, right? Has to have a beach. Yeah. Yeah, imperative. Yeah. Ideally, and listen, it's not, it doesn't have to be, but it would be nice. I can tell by your face what you're going to say.

12:10It would be nice if it had some sporting leisure activities. Golf, potentially. tennis for me your holiday has to be like better than your own home yeah you know you want to feel like it's like the skatism luxury yeah you know I need the beach I love the kids playing in the sea great food local food give us a dream day on holiday well you know me and a hotel breakfast I cannot miss it what do you love about that I just think it's quite rare that's so rude yeah it's like what the hell people skip I'm taking it or leaving it But you know, no matter what time, even if we went to bed at 4am, right?

12:50We're up for breakfast. I love it. It's my favourite. I absolutely love it, don't I? Hotel breakfast. Then I'll have a little meander down to the pool, get the kids set up, sun cream on, perfect pole position, watching them in the pool. So I'll start the day there. Maybe have a little read of my book. Then I think we should head to the beach for some lunch. and then a lovely lunch and then the kids would play on the beach for sunset. I love getting up early and playing golf. I'm happy to be on the course at seven because then I'm back for like 12, one o 'clock. Yeah. And I feel like I've had a real nice thing for me I've done and then I can do something beautiful with the kids and a nice lunch.

13:37See, I'm more of a night in person on holiday bizarrely because life is so busy. I want to get my bath. get that robe on get into bed nice movie sure I was desperate let's go for a meal let's go for a meal just yeah I just don't want to waste like there's some amazing places to go for dinner sometimes I don't want to waste it but you know can't miss breakfast

13:58that's good hey why can we never agree where to go on holiday well you know if we don't if we can't decide right if there are certain aspects that we can't get right Ross any ideas well I have got something to show you I've had a quick look through the TUI website and it's the place to go for families looking for the book a holiday away. Whatever you want, they've got it. Hundreds of destinations worldwide and there's more options and more choice. I think these two will tick all your boxes. Okay, Pete, so the first one I was sent over to you there, that's a Tuwi Blue Tari the Beach. I eat that.

14:28Yeah? Stunning, to be fair. What are you thinking of that? Well, no, this is a pile of a two. There is an adult's pool which looks absolutely sensational. It's got five different pools, apparently. So there's some for the kids, some for the adults. kids club as well perfect yeah well all we could do is get them in there and then go to the other pool well looks a bit unreal okay peter the second one you're looking at there that's tui blue tropical in turkey look at this one this does look good to be fair it's like a big complex it's rated very highly this one on trip advisor well ross you have absolutely excelled yourself here if you put this much time and effort into our podcast we'd be flying as well noted we are flying we are flying with Tui.

15:13Have you been to Turkey? Playing football. Never on holiday. Good atmosphere in some of the stadiums. It's a great place to play football but this looks like a great place for... Let's have a look then. Sorry, I've hogged it there. There's a lot going on. Yeah, well there's four restaurants as well. If you don't want to go off campus, you can stay there, have a scrum. We do stay on campus. Yeah. There's actually in Turkey like, I know a friend of mine got married there. Some of the hotels are like so incredible. there's so much to do there like compounds yeah you know like everything's there yeah um golf's good as well but if you do want to get out it's only 20 minute walk away from the local town as well apparently ooh this one looks so good Ross you have to perform there mixed change I had no faith in you me neither I actually quite like those I know I know well I can't take all the credit some has to go to Tui they listen to what you both wanted and uh yeah on 3, 2, 1 I want you to both give me your top choice of these two okay Three, two, one.

16:13Turkey. Oi, go on. We agreed. Well done. That's what Tui does. Excellent. I've never been to Turkey, so this crosses that off the list. First time there. But what else do you want to do when we're there? Right, look, it's just a little bit away from the hotel. It's a mud bath. I've never done one of them. No. I haven't. I think you'd either hate it or love it, wouldn't you? It's a bit marmite. I think it'd be good for the skin, don't you? Anything pamperish? I'm keen. Let's try that. Okay. You know what we just discussed there? There must be so many other families across the nation debating where to go.

16:50Yeah, well, they don't all have our Ross, do they? Just been doing all his research. Up and down that TUI website. I don't waste my evenings. Not everyone has a Ross, but everyone does have TUI. I reckon what we should do as a podcast is get two listeners to go away with TUI. Can it be us? We listen to this part. We do. I'm really funny as well. Really enjoy it. And I subscribe. Right, keep an eye on our socials because we need all your holiday dilemmas. Well, that's the beauty of Tui. You pick it, they sort it. Booking teas and teas apply. Atoll and Abda protected. I've got a weekly wine. Go on.

17:30Pete has now sprung on me this golf trip. Ooh. In, where are you going? It's Arizona. Arizona what yeah but it's it's Scottsdale right which said they do the waste management I don't know if you've seen it it's very much our cup of tea and basically I get to play the course before well you don't because you're not going and then we get to watch the golf tournament it's like it's a day's travelling it's two days there and it's a day back yeah I mean it's totally fine so Pete's like it's all about board so I'm like Pete what do you want for your birthday and he was like it'd make me really happy if you get me flights to this sculpture.

18:10I just thought it'd be nice because rather than me going, I can book it myself. Yeah. I just think it'd be a really, really nice gesture. I'm not going to buy you something that I don't want you to go to. You know, God, that'll make you so happy. And you also kind of get the green light on the going as well that she's putting to play. The weird, weird, isn't it? No, but why do you want to leave me again? I don't want to leave you. I'm going, we're going somewhere special for my birthday. When is it? My actual birthday. Then I thought as a present that would be such a lovely gift. He's always thinking of you.

18:37I just think it's such a, Because also, it just takes the pressure off you. I know you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. And it just takes the pressure off you worrying about my present. Get him out of the house for a couple of days as well. You've always got... A mother's work is never done, is it? Agreed, agreed. It just takes that pressure off her, alleviates another thing to worry about my birthday. It's taken care of, babe. And it's a body out the house. You don't. And you don't have to worry about me. It's all good. I just think what a lovely thing to do. Okay, weekly wines. I hope you read this out on the podcast.

19:06My old man said it to me. You're not going. simple as that so that's all taken care of I've got no words for you babe I think you've been great this week brilliant he texts me saying am I allowed to go am I allowed to go and I was like no so he said well because you're telling me I'm not allowed to go I'm going to go he said if you said to me please babe I don't want you to go I miss you too much I won't go but because you've said you're not allowed to go I'm going I was like what kind of fucked up reverse psychology is that I like that let me tell you let me speak to wives out there in general really and girlfriends is that when when you say look you know i i'm gonna go on this golf trip right it is gonna happen but what you need to say is like instead of saying as if you're fucking going on that you're joking yeah say oh what god that's i really really miss you like i'd really i'd love it if you didn't yeah that's a better way around it i would say then i'd go like i'll have a think about this I do love her.

20:02Yeah. You know, rather than you fucking, as if, I said, well, we fucking show you. That is not the way around it. Okay, I love you. I miss you. I love you too, yeah. But I can't wait for Scottsdale. You're not good. I think you're not. Okay, let's get into them. I love you too much to even think of one, a weekly one for you today. Nicely done. Fuck you. I hope you read this out on the podcast. My old man sent it to me. He's 74. Next time you think you're having a rough day at work, It's fair of thought for this bloke. I like it already. Bob is a commercial saturation diver working for Global Divers in Louisiana, carrying out underwater repairs on offshore oil rigs.

20:45Fuck that. Oh, my God, that's so dangerous. Fuck that. I read that as sanitation divers. Saturation. Yeah. Okay. God, I thought that could have been a much worse job. I mean, it's bad enough anyway, isn't it? These get paid a lot because it's so dangerous, don't they? Yeah, they do. Danger money. Yeah. He emailed this story to his sister who sent it to a radio station running a worst job experience competition. She won. Bob explains that his office, I've heard about this job, I mean, this is mental, isn't it? Is the bottom of the sea where he works in a wetsuit. To keep warm, divers use diesel-powered water heater that draws in seawater, heats it, and pumps it down through a hose into the suit.

21:27Yeah. effectively turning it into a floating jacuzzi. He'd done this many times without issue until one day when his backside started to itch. When he scratched it, the itch quickly turned into a burning sensation. Oh no. The heater had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into his suit. Oh my God. Fucking hell. So how far down is he? far down far far far down the bottom seabed I've been to the seabed have you? yeah under the sea I have remember when we went scuba diving and we both couldn't regulate we were just lying on the bottom of the ocean yeah yeah yeah I've talked about this before but you know we went scuba diving and we was in Ibiza believe it or not it's known for scuba diving yeah but we Ab was panicking with the guy kept saying up up up and my one I just couldn't regulate so you know with the tank you alleviate pressure to go up and down, basically, don't you?

22:27Yeah. And when I went down, I was scraping my face. My mask was just scraping the bottom of the sea. Oh. So that's how deep I was. And then when I went up, I was getting frustrated. I was just on the top of the... So I was either on the floor bed or above. And I was just panicking. So what happened to this guy then? Did he get stung alive? He's like 50 to 300 metres down. So, okay. I mean, there's jellyfishes in his suit. With nothing else to cling to, the jellyfish ended up lodged in the crack of his arse. Scratching only made things far worse. When Bob radioed the dive supervisor, the response was difficult to make out as everyone was laughing uncontrollably.

23:05The dive was immediately aborted. After several painful decompression stops and a long wait, Bob finally surfaced wearing nothing but his helmet. The medic, still laughing, handed him a tube of cream and told him to apply it as soon as possible. the pain eventually eased that Bob couldn't go to the toilet for two days due to the swelling so next time you're having a bad day at work ask yourself is this a jellyfish bad day and remember it was a bad day for the jellyfish as well funny funny funny funny that's a brilliant email that isn't it I don't like being underwater I don't like jellyfish yeah I don't like jellyfish no I don't think anyone does he look nice yeah I saw one of those like massive ones in my orca ones and like the man of all ones and I was like on a paddleboard.

23:55I was thinking, if you fell off this, mate, you'd be absolutely, they can kill you. I remember I jumped off a cliff once. Do you remember that? Remember that? It was five in the morning, to be fair. Terrible time to jump off a cliff. I don't advise this, please, but it was a safe cliff. It was because you were up early. We were up early, yeah. We'd just come back from a club and I'd be there. We'd literally just come back from the club and awful, you know, what was I doing? No idea, but I did and as I went down it wasn't that high just a little you know thought I'd have a little swim jumped and the minute I jumped I saw thousands of jellyfish thousands of them oh my did you get stung?

24:33all over my body really? yeah yeah just my whole body how painful is it? yeah it was just itchy Jack got stung by it and jellyfish yeah tried to get Ab to wee on me

24:48was this before or after you jumped in it? you suppose and then I jumped in well if you're not going to do that I'm going for a swim what's the matter if you're so frigid go for a swim

25:06okay a few episodes back so I'm just catching up where you're going through different nicknames for people and I thought I'd share a few that I've heard sidelight too dim, dull to be a main light I don't get it Pay drag Bungalow Not an upstairs Keep doing what you're doing You guys are highlight of my week I love the nickname game You know Oh it's the best Yeah I love it Some crackers isn't it Please keep down coming in I wanted a cape Oh You've got San Marino You've got Bungalow San Marino Yeah And the Clans Just not a thing Everyone calls me the Clans I fucking know who one person called me the nickname game is phenomenal isn't it on the Peter Crouch man bat there's some crackers in a sniper's nightmare James Pond yeah oh my god what was the other one Rigatoni that was a good one Rigatoni pasta his nickname is Pony so Rigatoni worked on oil rigs his name is Tony so his name is Rigatoni called him pasta pasta me dad's got a mate called bumplug I know I know bumplug hysterical Siren and crackers.

26:20What was the other one? Sniper's Nightmare. Sniper's Dream, wasn't it? No, Sniper's Nightmare was one next door. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jetpack Joe when he cuddles his bed. Jetpack Joe. Jetpack Joe. No. He's a little fella. When he spoons his missus, he's like a little jetpack. Jetpack Joe. Who said that? Someone wrote in. Someone wrote in and says his missus is a lot bigger than him. And he's like, jetpack Joe. Jetpack Joe. That's hysterical. Please keep the nicknames coming. That's an episode in itself. Just keep them coming. I call Lucy Belinda now. That's her nickname. Because Neil just called, her name's Lucinda, but our friend Neil, just every time he sees it, just calls her Belinda.

27:05That's the name of the girl off my dad wrote a porno. Have you never listened to them once? No. That's so hilarious. Some fella found out when he was clearing his dad's stuff out on the moving house that his dad had tried to write an erotic novel. And the woman like, and it was like soft porn but literally and then he'd read the chapter out on every episode of the pod years ago it's one of the funniest things I've ever listened to and I can't write for shit either did you know that I had another novel out? say my name and what? I'll be home for Christmas did you know you had another novel out?

27:43when I was emptying the loft the other day I found a big box of them I'll be clancy I'll be home for Christmas I've got it on audiobook on my phone fucking fast we're playing them out where's my phone mark that in the to-do list guys get that done we'll get a couple of chapters I downloaded that Calm app and there's like stories at night that you can listen to like Calm and stories and I don't know how to work all these apps and all that so I went on to books and I've got it downloaded I'll be home for Christmas is it you read them? is it you read them? No, it's not. Did you read it? No, it's not.

28:19It's not me reading it. It's a mother's scouse. A mother's scouse bed. I'll be home for Christmas, La. Man, I'm on my way home. Get that dinner on, will you, girl? Get that pan on.

28:35Mum, make sure you've got some goblin pies in for me. I'll be home in half an hour. Amazing. Yeah, I've no idea I had that out. Oh, God. Things we do. why have I got zero memory I need to lower my gamma so that's like three books you've had published remember my name therapy crouch and I'm coming home for Christmas get it off can you just google it let's get it off I wish I would have known I had that book I would have given everyone one for Christmas this is a name 12 quid I've just paid have you just bought it babe I've got 50 million off the upstairs it's not the audio book though this is top quality content you pay 12 quid for this content yeah yeah but it wasn't maybe the AI'd me maybe the AI'd me well we'll find out in a minute how can you not know you had a novel out I don't know I just found them and I was like god I can't remember doing that that's worrying isn't it yeah well how many years ago was it when was it published this is amazing did you have the best seller list from 2011 onwards Peter this is amazing I can't remember I can't wait for this well you've got Pete had another novel I called Walk and Toll I know I remember it but that was his first song wasn't it right guys so I have managed to track down I'll Be Home for Christmas by Abby Clancy something incredibly incredibly amazing it says in Abby's own words even stars have Christmas dreams

30:08I'll Be Home for Christmas by Abby Clancy with Debbie Johnson read by Elaine Fellows Who's not Scouse? Chapter one. There are many aspects to the world of social media that I find confusing. You can't have a wall in my audio book. Like, when someone snaps a picture of me the morning after the night before. I can't bear this fake Scouse snake. She's from the Orbscarecare. We've all been there, right? She's from the Bloody Whirl. Your mouth feels like it's been vacuum-packed with a deco. We've all been there, right? And your hair has gone full on. And your hair. Your hair. And you know you're just going to die unless you get immediate access to a paper bag full of McDonald's hash browns.

30:52Well, imagine at that precise moment someone incredibly chipper bounces over chipper? grinning from ear to ear at the sight of you and wants nothing more than to snap a picture of you together. No matter how grey your skin is grey. How far down your face your mascara's slipped. Not good. But, and I get this, I really do. it's all part of my job she's a nice reader though my job isn't an ordinary job but she's not a scouser being a pop star Jessica to the world at large not very long ago at all I was the person who would have been bouncing over and asking for the pick well that's enough of all Be Home for Goods available on all your audiobooks if anyone wants a copy please write in because I've got loads I need to get rid of them and I'll even sign it go on excellent stuff well done babe yeah so you learn something new every day you do okay morning guys great podcast as always keep up the good work listening to you three gets me through some of my long journeys from Devon to Bournemouth I need to drop you an email of my weekly wine which tends to happen pretty much every bloody week the wife clearly she isn't as busy as I am at work because I often get 20 plus WhatsApp WhatsApp today and then I get home and she asks did you see the link I sent you today?

32:10No, because if I did, I wouldn't have done anything else today. The other occasion I do look, it's messages like, holiday to Mexico for 10 ,000. We need to stop spending money and move house. Kids need new school clothes, new car, but we can't afford. Holiday to Cuba for 10 ,000. We need to stop spending money. We need to stop spending money. Every day, a different contradiction. The block button is so tempting. Anyway, that's my wine. She's all right, really. Just a bit of a pain in the arse. And he states his name. I don't know if I should read it. Yeah, I can read it. It's James from Bournemouth.

32:47Why do men get so annoyed with multiple messages from the wives? You say it to me. It's not the messages, it's the contradictory messages. Why did you FaceTime me this morning anyway? Because I was soaking wet from my walk and I wanted to see the pain I go through for the dogs that I didn't want. Touche. He's hanging on toast there, mate. Do you know what? I'm telling you what those mini dogs are the future what the ones I got Ellie and Cannon I'm getting the one that the one that I've just got what my new little dog oh yes yes yes yes because they don't make any mess do you have to take them on a walk or do you just have them walk on the garden he loves going on a walk Pete yeah he's fine on the walk I was scared that an eagle is going to fly down and eat him yeah that's a legitimate thing though to be fair I actually like going on walks anyway yeah but those little duck you know what I mean is because they're so small they could probably get away with just going around your garden and stuff like that they don't need much walking do you yeah but he loves he loves his walks Bambi but getting back to the point like you do contradict massively like you you all just come at me like with so much stuff so much information that some of it does contradict each other but when you get to like the bottom of it when you have a reply then it kind of resolves itself as well do you have that way it's like it's like I've let her talk to herself for so long she's finally come back round to my way of thinking it's like we should do this and I'm thinking to myself no we shouldn't and then she'll come round to the fact that I don't think we should do that she has a terrible idea to ignore those messages it's like when we walk around houses and you try and put your input in and I just ignore it and I just say yes babe but what I like is my train of thought text Kaz guess what Peter said we should have a cabinet in there we should soft play the living room there's two different ways of doing it right I'll have an idea and fire it out to the first available person that can hear it.

34:38Yeah. Whereas I might have an idea and it's called process of thought, not process of speech. Do you know? So you think about it and then you go, is this a good idea? Where are the pros and cons? I'm going to raise that to Abby. Yeah. Whereas Ab will just go, I've thought of that. I'm going to tell him and then tell me again that it's not a good idea. Like what we did to my dad yesterday. It's terrible. He was like, oh, I've got tickets to the Marseille game. So text me dad. Dad, pack your bags. you're going to Marseille to watch the Liverpool match and then the guy so booked my dad a flight and then five seconds later the guy texts back and said I can only get one ticket so then I had to say to dad dad unpack your bags you're not going to Marseille you're going to Sefton Park he was so upset my dad was like oh god this phone call I feel like someone said you can be 35 again that's the exact quote that was and then I just was sick with worry the whole day going how can I freaking hell gonna get another ticket booked him for flight and everything is he still going to Marseille on the flight no cancelled it yeah unfortunately Jeff you're not going to Marseille you're going to Lark Lane yeah my man toes you should get me dad on the pod yeah we should don't you think what's that oh yeah he came into our office the other day but like he arrived early he got the earlier train so he was there from like 2 till 5 that was another ticket disaster that he forgot to get the tickets yeah and honest to god he was he had me in stitches for like 4 straight hours didn't get any but like just crying with laughter every story's hilarious most of them are about butt plug what was butt plug's other name it's a couple of other years isn't he he's a sex liar isn't he in dancing he can't say that

36:28keep it in no he is he's a sex liar yeah do you talk him to his hometown for one of the Jolly Boys albums, didn't he? And he'd been telling everyone he was a top shagger and then they met a schoolmate and they were like, he couldn't pull a fucking muscle when he was on a boat.

36:47Oh God, they're embarrassing. Oh God, okay. Yeah, so, any thoughts on that? Just kind of a lot of messages and stuff like that. No, I'm moving my finger out. I was moving on. Well, I like talking to you. You like talking? I like talking to you yes

37:08yeah I think women are just very you wear the heart on the sleeves maybe a little bit more yeah they're very talkative yeah just do a podcast but some women aren't some women are boring as sin don't say one word would you rather that? it's a time and a place for it seen not heard when he's at work seen not heard is he not heard so what are you thinking about the old Beckham scenario yeah that's a bit of a mad one isn't it because it's on the one you know I don't agree with airing your dirty laundry in public really ever it wouldn't be nice especially when you're not that level but he's obviously had something that's been upsetting him and he's wanted to say it so you've got to feel a bit of sympathy it's always the girlfriend in my opinion

37:59you're on team bex yeah you know i shudder to think what i'll be like oh you're gonna be with my beloved sons no one's gonna be good enough for them heaven forbid a lady comes into our boys lives yeah but i don't want to be that person because i'd also be the best i think once you get you know you you would be the best it's one or the other isn't it is it the best ever or the worst or like you're never going to be good you know and that's just the love of a mother but I'm just going to come out and say it straight that there will be no one good enough for my children no full start they're going to have to work very very fucking hard and I don't think I'm a bad person to say that yeah but then again you don't want to lose your boys oh my god no eventually you know that would happen you know if they've picked someone and you don't like whatever you know you have to play the game to some extent I think it's kind of a a typical story isn't it with families you kind of you do lose the boys yeah but the girls stay with you agreed you've been brought up you know for so long and you know I don't even know how old Brooklyn would be now like say 26 is he yeah right so he's becoming a man see I'd be like that you shouldn't even be getting married at 26 where's his first mistake that's your first fuck off to be fair that's mistake number one right you're making mistakes at 26 don't you exactly you should wait till you're 40 odd before you get married like you should are these a child Yeah.

39:22Shouldn't be getting married. That's a good point, actually. 26 is too young. No age. No age. What? Yeah, but you know. You were 30. I think... I still think... I was still a child. I still feel like a child now.

39:38Yeah. See what I mean? Agreed. I'm not allowed to make decisions even now. Please, Abby. Can I go on that golf trip? And I support that entirely. I'm not mature enough. I feel like I do stand by mum's always no best. I do, I do. But I think, and also I think what the point that you're making then, Peter or Abby is correct when men can't go away from the household because you followed the girl. Because if they're going to have a baby, they want to be around their families. Yeah, like when I had my baby, I wanted my mum with me. Exactly. Yeah, and also when I was playing football, I was away a lot as well.

40:13You know, it's like, I want you with your mum. Yeah. It makes me feel better. And I think in general, even if you weren't a footballer, that's just, it is the way it goes a little bit. so the daughter would go towards her own mom and the son would move I will make a conscious effort to keep my boys with me for as long as possible on the compound on the compound I would hope to try and be everyone come to ours and I'd like to be nice but they would have to be good enough I'm sorry yeah define good enough kind yeah and what I have to say the 10 so many people are putting their aura in a situation they don't know exactly And I think, you know, I know because they are so famous, it's almost like a public forum.

40:56People think they have a right to comment. But I think taking, you know, putting it actually in the real world, it is a family at the end of the day. And I think that needs to be respected, doesn't it? Yeah. Regardless if you know what you think. And in the course of public opinion, people always want to see someone who's done really well for themselves or everything seems perfect. As soon as something does a little niggle or something bad, people kind of jump on that though, don't they? you go, but actually if you take a step back and go, all that mean is they are human. You've got your own family issues, but no one's going to find out about them worldwide.

41:27Yeah. So you do have to be a bit respectful and thoughtful, I think as well. No one will know when we get divorced. But there will be signs. Abby's got a new book house.

41:40And 10 million dogs. Yeah. Fucking mad cat woman. I'm going to say that. I'm not I'm not going to tell anyone I've won the lottery but there will be signs no it's like on Instagram and then there's just a girl with like loads of puppies hello guys this is that part of the podcast where we ask you to subscribe it does make a big difference to our podcast and we'd like you to make a big difference so press it okay speaking of problems give me some agony abs okay will do both hi guys love the pod just wondering do you think it's expectable to leave the girlfriend for a month and go to South America on a jolly on my own she thinks it's a little selfish and she can't get the time off and not and it's not a country she wants to visit thanks Tom anyway I've booked it so like and I'm off in April to Peru and Bolivia men are great men are the pits I love the fact that he's he's asked the question and hasn't waited for the answer he's already booked it I don't think that's right yeah but she she does want to go and she can't get the time off you've got to live your life yeah again put it on your if that was you know imagine Jack or Johnny their partner saying to them they want to go travelling and they're going oh well I can't get the time off oh I'll be like to my son you go take every opportunity that covers your way that's true you're looking at it from my point of view if it was me you wouldn't be going but Johnny and Jack you can't even get three days of a golf trip three days of a golf trip three days of a golf trip is a fucking piss take that's it going to fucking Peru and Bolivia for a month don't I with all those Latinas yeah exactly babe babes everywhere no thanks well I'm too old in the tooth to be worrying about that now well I don't want to go to South America without you I'd rather go with you but I would like to go to Scottsdale on a golf trip without you a different story without you but why can't I come it's a golf trip with the lads see that makes me that makes me suspicious the lads it's the lads it's not you have to be suspicious if you're so adamant that women can't go why is that no because it's that's not the done thing is it you don't want to play golf I want you to come on our Ellie's hen do

44:08I've been planning Ellie's hen and it's just a nightmare but I want Pete to come You could be the stripper. I don't think I can do that either. You could be the stripper. No, thanks.

44:23Do we think this is selfish? Yes. I don't know. Yes, if it's a boyfriend. No, if it's my son. Yeah. It depends how long they've been together. It depends also is, did he want her initially to come on the holiday or did he choose South America because he knows she doesn't want to go and can't get the time off work? He could. Plain devil's advocate. Plan it for when she can go. Listen, I think if you... We've been married, what, 13 years now? And been together 20, right? If I booked a month away on my own to South America, we've got four kids, we're married. I think that's a different scenario to if you're young kids and you're just going out.

45:03That's a whole different ballgame. It is. You've got to go. You've got to go. You've got to go and enjoy your life. Because otherwise you'll regret it. When you are on, you know, kind of, you know, under lock and key ball and chain can't get a golf trip what would you okay alright then when you can't go anywhere without getting pecked you will regret it so I've booked a girls trip to Ibiza for three days is that okay yeah but that's a different scenario if I was booking Ibiza for three days that's not like partying that's different I'm going to I'm going on a golf trip okay we're going to a golf tournament if you wanted to go and watch volleyball in Maidenhead or Maidenhead I love Maidenhead Maidenhead is that fucking Windsor I don't know somewhere I don't know call it Bordeaux in France right and there's a there's a there's a volleyball whatever you're into like volleyball equestrian or something show jumping right I think that's a totally acceptable pastime you'll allow it to go nightclubs like I'd be for yeah I'm not I'm not keen on that really no I'm not going to nightclubs and I'd be so we're going to a wellness retreat.

46:14I'm not joking. I'm actually not joking. It's a health thing. Well, we're fine then. Is that okay? It's all good. Really? Yeah. Do we like... Watch this space, guys. He's pretending he's a nice guy, I guess. By the way, you know that thing we spoke about the pod? Yeah, not that. Can we spoke about the pod today? As if. All right, let's move on. Please keep me anonymous. It's quite a delicate situation. I've been listening to the pod since you guys started it, and I love it. I always agree with the advice that you give listeners, and I love listening to all your stories, which gets me through a long day at work with the laptop.

46:53Anyway, this is the sitch. I've been with my... I imagine this is fiancé, but it says finance. I've been with my finance now for five years, and we have recently welcomed a little baby boy. I'm looking for a guy. Five, six, five, with a trust fund. I also have a child to my precious, to my previous relationship, and my partner doesn't have any other children. My oldest child has a double-barreled surname, and this time round, I wanted my new baby to also have a double-barreled surname too, so they both have some element of the same surname to each other. But also to me, as we are not married and don't plan to be anytime soon, my partner is so against this, and he's telling me I'm bringing shame as a man.

47:38to not just have his surname. Well, Brooklyn Beckham is called Brooklyn Pelts. I know. Brooklyn Beckham Pelts. It's like every time we go on holiday, Pete gets called Mr. Clancy every week. Yeah, you don't. A couple of times I have done, yeah. You were Mr. Clancy in Paris as well? Yeah, we were in Paris with Mr. Clancy Duff. I fucking know. Mr. Clancy Duff. How did that make you feel, Peter? Where it made me feel like my balls had been chopped off.

48:10there's your answer you don't need any more of the diagram there's your answer what are your thoughts as this is a really tough situation for me to the point where I thought about ending the relationship it upset me so much I appreciate your views love the pod keep up the good energy so her name's Donna Smith and his name is Michael Davis yeah so she wants it to be called Jemima Smith Davis exactly perfect yeah I think that's fine and if it's really bad then put her name for it I think it's the one, you know, that's the main thing. I think you should end on the man's name. Yeah. I think because we have all our children together, you know, it's not like previous relationship situation.

48:50I think that is a much more delicate situation than ours. I think it would be, I would feel, I wouldn't like it if our kids were called Clancy Crouch. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I just think it's, I like the old fashioned traditional, tradition of. being married you can say what you like that it's old fashioned yeah but she's got she's got one child with a double which is why I think she wants it more to be so the kids are brother and sister if you know what I mean I think that's I think more yeah I think that so it would be like Clancy Jeffers and then it would be Clancy Crouch but you've got that Clancy Clancy into them I agree I think that's cool I think that's nice I think she's that's a nice sentiment when she's got two kids from two different relationships and she wants them siblings to share something I think that works namesake wise and I don't think that's bringing him shame I think that is a bit silly for him to use that excuse I agree with that because this you know it's a delicate situation when you're bringing you know two you've got two kids that have previous got to be half brothers and sisters yeah half and you want to make them feel comfortable you say half they're not half they're full yeah they're the same mum no I know but what I'm saying is they're you know they've got different dads yeah they want to assimilate as much as possible I think which is natural I think he should respect that I think he should as well I agree I'm with the woman on this one me too yeah but what I would say is you know from that perspective getting called Mr Clancy on the phone or or getting you know if you said to me that you know I had to take your name I would feel a little bit like I think she should definitely just kind of take into account his feelings my name's still Clancy on my passport yeah but you are you are a Crouch aren't you really I say I say you know if I call the school I'll be like hi Tabby Crouch yeah or if I'm the doctors or yeah I've heard you on the phones of the teachers no like it's Mrs.

50:40Crouch yeah I've heard you I am Crouch but people just call me Clancy yeah Clance

50:47Abby the Clance Crouch

50:52hi the Clance Crouchy and Chudabob Ross I have a question for you well I have many but I can only afford an hour of therapy I'm turning 40 in April I'm with you Abs I'm single open to your matchmaking but it's not the reason I've come to you something much worse being single with a bunch of friends who are coupled up and have kids I have a cat he is my world and everyone thinks I'm mad you're not mad I just lost my cat um of 20 years and it's heartbreaking and I love my other cats as well is it impolite to do a ban on all friends kids birthday presents I could own two mansions a castle and a safari park just for my cat and his cat friend if I bought them presents.

51:35I say a blanket no. Am I a bitch? I don't buy my cat birthday presents. Many thanks. I'm anonymous on their cat. So her friends have all had kids and they're all saying when the birthdays are she's got to buy them gifts and she's like you're not buying me anything in return. That's what I'm getting from that. I don't give to receive. That's true. That's true. Good point. Well made. If they're really good friends you want to see the kids' face light up really. Peter? um yeah I've never yeah it makes sense I've never bought my cat a birthday present I don't even know when the birthday is I should hope not but she should be getting better birthday presents so because she's I'm assuming she's buying her friends birthday presents as well as the kids that would mean that I would expect my friends to get me better birthday presents as they're not doubling up yeah I think I think I don't think they should be buying the cat presents let's rule that out yeah that's a joke I think yeah But Liberty buys all her dogs birthday presents.

52:36She has parties and birthday cakes. She makes the dogs blow the candles out. She dresses them all up. Has she got seven dogs? Yeah, but has she got kids? No. But there you go. She's a cat mum. Dog mum. Yeah. And a cat mum. I think when you, if you do buy the kids presents for all your friends, then I would expect a very nice present for you. I think so. Yeah. But you can't really say that to her friends. Can she? Like, cause I'm getting all your kids presents. I want a better birthday presents from you. Do you know what I mean? Mm. I don't know why she's getting so hung up on it. It's probably just a little jokey, wasn't it?

53:06She could just have a little gesture. She doesn't have to get them something mega. No. I'll mind your kids. No, that'd be the best present ever, would it? Yeah. Okay, all right. Well, that's that, babe. That's that. I think I have to say you look beautiful today. Oh, shut up. You do? New Cardi? You're not going on the golf gym? No, I am, I am. I know what you're trying to do. Is this for the golf? Is this for golf? No, I'm going on that anyway. I'm a fucking geezer. I do what I like. I just stole out of the house to say deal with it. But what? It's the little school jumper vibe. You're not leaving.

53:38The school jumper vibe. I like it. The school jumper vibe? Yeah. It's Prada. Is it? Yeah. It's cheeky bastard. You've got a new cardigan. Well, I think you said this is a relaunch when I asked you before. Well, I bought it and never wore it. Yeah. But yeah, it's another cardigan. One for two. Lorna Piana. Is it? Is it? Yeah. That looks cool. I like it. Thanks, guys. You're not laughing at the way I'm saying it? Wrong? Oh, yeah. I thought that was right alright see you next time