“You Can Shove Your Puppies…” Portugal AMA Gets Wild!

0:00Pete, I need answers here, mate. What exactly do you know about Average Jesus Is? I've got the certificate. Claire, got it. You're very reactive to this, aren't you? I'm not reactive. Go on. I said to my stepson, would you and your mum like a puppy? He said that you can shove your puppies up your arse. Jesus. Wow. Look at them. What size feet are you? Have you got my socks on? You said that, like, get them off kind of vibe. Yeah, your socks off. Oh, that loud. Obligado. Hi, if you're enjoying this content, then please like and subscribe. Ask me anything. Shama. Hello, and welcome to the Therapy Crouch.

0:38Ask me anything with me, Abby Clancy. Me, Peter Crouch. And me, Gaz. How are we? Oh, I'm full. I'm cold and I'm full. You're wearing, like, a dressing gown today. This is the new dressing gown that I bought from... I've only got... It's silk. It's like a throw. It's like a throw, look. Look at that. It's a top dressing gown, that. that's unreal that is hadded silk dressing gown from H &M Home is it really like so that's not even like size XL just as I like I know I like them straight in it is though you can't have a skimpy dressing gown no I hate them because when I go to like hotels tennis socks on when I go to hotels I try to put on the robe they're always like a miniskirt like a mini oh really and not wide enough no it's terrible you need the big ones don't you but that looks a lovely dressing gown is it warm is it keeping you warm it's thick it's like padded really nice that that's nice it's quite chilly today if I'm being honest we must say for the people back home yeah it looks sunny out but it's the wind it's beautiful but the wind is chilly hence the I haven't got any jumpers out here at all so I've gone with an Adiaz jumper where did you find that it's barely a jumper anyway it's like t-shirt thin it's doing the job doing the job ask us anything ask me things Jade says your chat keeps me sane on long walks during maternity leave and I still love to listen in my husband listens on long car journeys to work you're very honest and relatable Abby this one's for you we have two older dogs and two children nine year old son two year old daughter I'm desperate to get a miniature Dachshund puppy our older dogs are Jack Russell's 12 and 14 My denouement is my husband doesn't agree and he thinks that three dogs is bonkers.

2:29From a family with three dogs, can you advise, am I bonkers? I don't think it'd be lots of fun with the kids. Also, we won't be having more kids. That's not a dynamic I need to worry about. Husbands had the snip.

2:46Any help be greatly appreciated. The only thing I would say, I don't have much experience with dashowns I know people absolutely love them but friend of mine friends of mine who have had them have them so they pee everywhere so that's the thing but look for me you can't have enough dogs like you know you can't have too many ever but what I would say if you've got older dogs age 14 when you get a puppy I just know what um Bambi's like with our dogs running around playing every time they walk that he's nipping at the legs wanting to play play play yeah so on that basis your husband could be right but the only thing i'd say if they pass away get you could get two puppies instead of one yeah keep the other one company yeah but how do you navigate your husband how do you navigate yours just bring them home oh yeah don't tell him don't Just once he's in, he's in.

3:52Is that what you're going to do? I just think you've just got to do it. Yeah, that's fair. I never used to do that when I didn't have kids because I'd be scared of the wrath, but now... The wrath? Some sort of fucking animal. Me and the kids would... But now I've got the kids, they'll back me up because they would not turn down another puppy or kitten or anything. So it's like five against one. You're going to absolutely roast me, but a dash hand is that a fairly small sausage dog oh it's a sausage dog right right okay yeah tiny tiny little things about the size of size of Bambi no bigger than that no they're longer just long but quite small Sophia wants one of them does she?

4:34they do piss everywhere though do they? that's an issue do you want to read Michaela? you read the next one I'll read the next one I'm going to finish it okay moving on to Michaela she says my stepson is 11 years old when he's mad and angry he says no wonder my mum hates you and when I ask him about it he says she always says she does his dad doesn't really say much to him I tell him his mum shouldn't be talking about me in that way to a child anyway my dog is having puppies and I said to my stepson would you and your mum like a puppy he said my mum says that you can shove your puppies up your ass Jesus Wow I I said I don't think so My dad His dad Sorry My partner Laughed it off Inside I was furious Am I being dramatic It's hysterical that My mum said Shove the puppies up your ass If your new wife Offered me A puppy I'd say the exact same thing Would you?

5:37I'd add in an effing Would you? Would you now Yeah Shove it up your ass It's a shame, isn't it? But it's, you know... The stepson's 11 years old. That's a bold boy. I don't think the mum should be... Sorry. Yeah, the mum should be saying that. No, but it happens, doesn't it? It definitely happens. We can't beat around the bush. You know, in an ideal world, we wouldn't badmouth the new partners and vice versa. But even if she's not... She could be vocal to her friends and he's heard her over time. Yeah. But kids are always a sucker for grassing you up. It's like, Lucinda said she went to school the other day and she was late and she made up this big dramatic excuse and the son was like, no, you didn't.

6:23We did this and no, just grassing you up. Oh, clearly grassing you up. Kids do grass you up a lot. Yeah. They sponge as well, right? They mimic what they hear from you guys. Yeah. Have you ever caught your kids just saying something verbatim that you've been saying privately or anything like that? if they ever yeah you got one what was that it was like my mum says we can't hang around together now because my mum doesn't like you yeah about a child I spoke about a child to Peter and my daughter heard me and told the child and then the mum then the mum pulled me and was like what's all this she's saying you hate my daughter and I was like no it didn't and they're like you did I went to...

7:10No, never. Yeah, and then the daughter said... Yeah, you did. They told me. Oh, my God. And I was like... Stitched up. Stitched up. Nothing sacred. Blind at all. I think she's just got to take that, unfortunately, being the new wife. It's not nice, but... Yeah, but she's living with this stepson, isn't she? Probably not full-time. Yeah, but like, you know... Because she said, do you want the puppy to... He shouldn't be disrespecting her, like, in her house. No, he shouldn't, but he's also 11, and you don't know what the circumstances are. He could be, like, deeply hurt by it, or... Yeah, maybe.

7:43That's a hormonal age for a little boy. Can you imagine that little boy just saying, my mum said, you can shove those puppies up your arse. Can you imagine that? That would be you. That would have been you, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Nice jokes. Yeah. They were denying it. So, guys, this seems like a perfect time to hear from our sponsors. And if you're liking what you're hearing, Like and subscribe.

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9:01Okay, this one is from Shelley. Hey, long-time listener of the pod and a massive fan of our Abbey. Listening to the pod where you... Three fans of me out there, by the way. Everywhere I go now, I swear to you, everywhere I go. I did that insurance thing the other day. I had a shout-out to Beaver, by the way. Enjoyed it up there. I gave a talk with this insurance thing. Oh, yeah. And everyone said, oh, my God, like, your wife is amazing. And you're like, no, she isn't. they all love you out there who's they it's a lot of love for you it's a lot of people like who demographic demographic men women children everyone who listens to this podcast even Jürgen Klopp he was a big fan wasn't he I think he listens to this more than the other huge fan who doesn't well yeah what love you no love Jürgen everyone loves Jürgen okay listening to the pod where you're discussing the different parts of the country called lolly ice hmm Is that what you call it?

10:03I call it a lolly ice, yeah. A lolly ice. I'm from the black country, so classed as a yam-yam, which is obviously down the road from Birmingham. We call them ice lollies. However, remember the long poles you'd rip off and pop up? We'd call tip-tops. Tip-tops? Ice pop. Ice pop. Ice pop. It's an ice pop. Yeah. Which, as a girl who is half Bristolian, caused a lot of confusion when visiting family, as most of them called them, ice poles. Ice poles. Also interesting to hear Gaz is from Birmingham and calls a bread roll a bap, as down the road we call them a cub. I'd say a cub or crusty cub. Crusty cub.

10:42The crusty cub. I could go on forever with different terminologies. Thanks for always making me belly off before work, Shelley. Interesting, ice poles, I've never heard of an ice pole. I have, I can't bear people who call them ice poles. Yeah, I know what an ice pole would be. Ice pop, we kind of get that. Ice pop? What did you say? Freezy? Freezy ice pop, yeah. You've never said ice pop. No, but I've never had one. When I was a kid, I think they were kind of like... They're quite... I understand why you would call them an ice pop. Yeah. But with an ice cream or a lolly ice. Would you call them an ice pop?

11:22Ice pole then? Not really, no. Don't think so. We used to call them freezies as well, actually. Mr. Freeze, was that one? Freezes, yeah? Yeah, Mr Freeze. This works. Do you guys know what a Wally is? More for you, I think. More of a Cockney thing. A Wally? A Wally. Like an idiot. Oh, no. Apart from that food. An edible Wally. No. A Wally from like a fish and chip shop. It's like a pickled gherkin. No, never heard of that. Never heard of that. I thought that was quite a London thing. Never encountered that. I don't think so, mate. That's an East End thing. Is it really? I dated a girl from Essex.

11:53We went to a chipper once. She was like, go in and ask for three Wallys. I was like, you're having me on. there's absolutely no world where I'm going in there and asking for a wally he's going to be up on the three wallies exactly three wallies he'll have three wallies please you fucking trying to say yeah fair enough okay okay thanks Shelley thank you for that okay this is for both Des and the Clance but maybe more to the Clance who's Des it's Dubai Des on the Dubai Des on the Peter Crouch pod what's that mean well basically when I went to Dubai and I interviewed the PSG owner you know Nasser Al-Khalifi they were the boys were asking me what I was kind of doing out there and they said were you being interviewed and I said no I was doing the interviewing and I said I was basically like the Dubai Eslinam it's kind of stuck I wish I hadn't told you and you wish you hadn't listened I'm 24 I moved to Dubai when I was 19 on my own and lived here since then I'm living here with my girlfriend got to visit home a couple of times a year and the odd family visits as well, but not too often.

13:00Recently, I've started to look back on my time here and felt that it's gone so quick. It's making me realise that I'm not spending much time with my parents at all and they aren't getting any younger. I messaged my mum and dad here and they thought throughout the week and FaceTimed them about once a week, but still have that feeling that I miss them and I'm starting to feel guilty for not being around. Any advice on what you would want as parents and what more I can do? Thanks for making all the English expats around feel a little bit closer to home. It really does go a long way. What would you want?

13:32If our kids, say two of them or one of them, was away, what would you want them to do? What's acceptable? Because it's expensive to travel home as well, isn't it? It's expensive to travel, yeah. I don't know. I always class it to lockdown. Instead of just being a catch-up phone call, you could do like a curry night where they order a takeaway and then you do like a quiz. That's genius. That's good. Let's pretend you're in lockdown. Yeah. And get yourself on teams or whatever it is. I still don't know how to get on that frigging thing. And just do like, yeah, do a quiz. Do a lockdown vibe. Yeah, do a quiz or, you know.

14:11Yeah, like curry night as well. That's cool. You'll cook in a different kitchen. Yeah. Did you guys do that in lockdown? Would you ever do anything like that? Yeah, we did. Did you? A couple of lads that I know that, well, the chef Tom Sellers is a friend of a lot of the lads. They did cooking classes with him. Really? Yeah. That's class, that is. It was good. Yeah. I'd like some cooking lessons after Tom's, Tom. I know. Or we could just kidnap him. We could just live with us and cook for us. We could just lock him in. Keep him in the basement. Come on, Tom. Yeah, I don't think we can rely on a pandemic for lessons with Tom Sellers.

14:47It would be nice just to have them anyway. Oh, he's so good. He actually said he would teach me. I said I'd love to learn. He did. He did. Did he? Yeah, he's phenomenal. He's like one of the youngest ever Michelin star chefs on the planet. Double Michelin star. Double, yeah. Maybe we should do it on the pod. Get a little cooking class going. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. He's got like a few restaurants now. Tell him. Lovely. One of my favourite restaurants is his. Dovetail. Dovetail. Shout out. Stories, I think. Stories, the flagship one. It's London Bridge, actually. Is it? Oh, nice. Oh, fair play.

15:17Yeah. Yeah, that's good advice though. I think that's actually really sound advice. So make more of the moment by doing things together. But I think time does go quickly. But his parents ultimately will probably want him to do him. Yeah. You know, that's a big opportunity to move to Dubai and follow your dreams, yada, yada. So most parents would be supportive of me. However, I'm not going to let my kids leave me. And if they ever want to go, I'm going with them. I'd prefer them to, you know, stay with me forever so I wouldn't be as giving as that. I don't even let them go on school trips and that's good, aren't I, Pete?

15:57They did the theatre the other day, didn't they? I said no and you said yeah. What's this? Theatre's fine. They were doing a camping trip. I understand why I was a bit apprehensive about that. But there was a trip to the theatre to see Snow White or something. Sophia's still scarred for life for doing that DAV thing. What, Duke of Edinburgh? Yeah. Yeah. What was it? She's not a tent kind of girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My princess. I know some people find it fun, but it was horrendous weather. If they would have had the weather, it would have been great, but they were freezing and wet and starving for like three days.

16:32Oh, God. Oh, poor Faye. Okay. Jill says, loving the pod as always, can you please tell me the name of the Martina Cole book that you both listened to together, and you were obsessed and you had one AirPod each. Isn't that loyalty? I'll tell you exactly what it is because I think I've got it on my audio books here. Oh, nice. Sorry, my phone's done that mad thing. I've been listening to a new audio book. I started one, the new Dan Brown one, but I got a little bit bored of it.

17:02Sometimes the voice can make all the difference. There you go, look, Dan Brown, Orangin. I was listening to it, it wasn't great. I love you, Dan Brown. I do like it. It's because he doesn't know any other authors. I do. You don't. You know he's a bit fancy. Were you on a previous ep? Did someone do your audio book and it wasn't your voice? Was that something from the past? Yeah, that's mad. I heard that the other day and I was creasing up. Scouse. What are you talking about? I didn't say that. Guilty, was it, Bo? Is it guilty or loyalty? Got a few Martina Coles on there. Get even. Nope. Can you please ignore my socks?

17:44Yeah. Look at them. I think it was dirty, was it? Look at them. I've got dead foot. What size feet are you? My feet aren't to the end. Oh, right. It's like an optical illusion. It's a bit... However, I have... Why have you got my socks on? Because I've got no socks. I'm freezing to the bone. I always wear your socks anyway. Doesn't bother me. Have you said that, like, get them off kind of vibe? Yeah, you suck. So for the lads. Yeah, you suck. What was the name of the book? Do you remember? I think there's a couple in it. I mean, like... Let me see. The note... Guilty? Yeah, that's what I said.

18:23Guilty. Yeah, it's called Guilty. Would it be the most recent one you've bought? That's the one. That's the most recent, that one. Where we have to? That's right. But when you choose to pay in installments, the interest goes up. He shrugged. I love this woman. You can't be expected to be out of pocket. Liza did the maths. That's 100 % interest. You can't do that. Who's reading that? Sounds like CITV. Who's reading that? Jackie Rose. Jackie Rose, fair play. Go on, Jackie. Well, now I've got two different emails. Okay. One's from Big Ste and one's from Stevie G. As in the Stevie G? Just read into it what you will.

19:11That's all the information I've got. Big Ste says, I'm listening to the podcast and honestly pissing myself about Abby's GCSEs. Pete, you're so wound up, you just won't let this blow over. Yeah, exactly. This is what I have to deal with. You don't want me to succeed. I don't want you to succeed. You don't want me to. Why do you find it so difficult to believe that I got... Because I know you're lying about it. I'm not going to lie about fucking GCSE. It's changed right from the start. You add a couple of A's to now every year it's gone up. Now it's 10 A stars. No, it's nine A stars. Nine A stars, sorry.

19:45Okay, Abby is clearly a very clever girl, but Pete, I need answers here, mate. What exactly do you know about Abby's GCSEs? Nothing. There's definitely nothing not adding up about the A star results stories, but come on, you seem very confident. The people deserve the truth. Absolutely love the podcast. Keep them coming. Okay, so that's Big Steve. I got the certificate. Claire got it? Yeah, it was very dubious. She did send it in. It was very dubious. But then Stevie G has an opinion. Stevie G's opinion is just need to call out potential foul play occurring in regards to Abby's GCSE results. Oh yeah, well, I went to an all girls because still Stevie.

20:26So you can piss the fuck off. First off, For GCSEs, you have three optional courses. Yeah. Pete read out four optional. No. French, Geography, History and Science. No, I did triple science. Yeah, Additional Science, you called it. Additional, yeah. So he said you got four, which only you had three. I think Abby was so clever, she took an extra one. Is that right? Would that be right? No, because you could do Jewel or Triple Science. Secondly, Science Double Award would not be listed twice. Which one? As in it would not be written. Hmm? He said science double award would not be listed twice, as in it would not be written science double award A star, science double award A star.

21:06It was only written singular, science double award A star, A star. Because I did triple science at the single award, so they class as three GCSEs. So dual, it would say the mark, but you only get two GCSEs at the end of it. Right. So it answers that question, smartass. No doubt, you're very reactive to this. I'm not reactive. Go on. No doubting Abby is a very intelligent woman, as I admit myself. But I don't believe the fabricated certificate. P.S. Abby, I look forward to the abuse. I'm due for this. But I do need backup from Pete here. P.S. Abby, saying you're not used to seeing Pete lose, he did play for Tottenham.

21:48And he often lost. Actually, we were fucking... Stevie, I am used to seeing him lose now, to be honest. It seems it's all you do lately when playing a game.

22:03Tell us how much of a winner you are, these GCSE results. I just explained. It's 90 stars. Do you know? Okay. You're sticking white with it. Okay, if the digital version or whatever Claire got is not sufficient, I will get a physical copy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay, there you go, Stevie G. Leave it with me. TBC. TBC. All right, nice to hear from Stevie G and Big Stee there.

22:30I, yeah, I mean, you know, listen, there's no doubt you're a intelligent woman. There's no doubt. I don't want to be called a woman. Girl. No doubt. It's ageing. What would you prefer? Lass. No, I don't know. Bird. Chick. Chick, yeah. Chick. Groovy chick. Clever chick. Well done. You can totally incredibly intelligent. Just show us that certificate later and I just need to get it authenticated. OK. Perfect. We'll see you next time. Ask me anything. Sure, bye.