Your Dating Profiles Are Wilder Than We Ever Expected…

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1:10Pete's stuff looking at her mouth. I'm not saying all that. This is going to be risky, I've got to say. She basically wants Pete to crouch, but who's handsome and with a sense of humor.

1:25Tough. You can't have it all. Peter showcased his age-defying physique.

1:33Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abbey Clancy. And me, Peter Crouch. And me, R Scott. You look a bit hungover, Ross. That's so offensive, don't you see? That's to me pretty much every time I come round. Your eyes are all bloodshot. Good at being offensive, aren't you? Ross, what's up with you? Are you well? I was like, no. I just laughed off camera and actually made contact right before we started. Yeah. how are you anyway I'm alright I can't wait for this fucking summer to be over oh yeah kids we're done with the kids oh yeah yeah how so what's happening it's just long isn't it P it's very long yeah did we talk about the lizards yeah have they arrived no hopefully they just forget about them they're not gonna forget we haven't got space to put two tanks especially now doing the reno.

2:27Oh yeah, what's this reno? No, this is leading me into my weekly wine. Go on quite nicely. I said, there was a couple of things she said, I want to change a few cupboards. I said, yeah, that sounds fine. But now it's a complete redecoration. That's a lot of work. A few new cupboards. Why have we got a skip? She was telling me last night. I have a skip constantly. You do. You love a skip, don't you? I do. I just think if we're not going to move, we should just do it once and do it perfect and do it great my issue with this is right that she keeps giving me an ultimatum we either move or we or we do the house up right i say well how about we do none of those and we just stay in it no it is the house is lovely but because we've been here 11 years and things are starting to go and things are going a bit shabby and we need there's certain rooms in the house that we just don't use so i i want to kind of bring them all together and make like an incredible house that suits our way of life you know so if i did peter's bar and all his friends could come over and watch the footy she thinks i'm like 10 all time you get the remote all time yeah your cups of tea stays the best you know i can't make it like a 10 year old no but when you see what I'm going to do you will I'm sure I'm sure it's going to look absolutely incredible I was even going to throw in a golf I was going to even throw in a little golf simulator little five a side pitch in the garden once we start all the work at the end of the work I'll be like where'd that golf simulator end up there I'm sorry we couldn't fit it in I had to put my dressing room in and stuff no because when we built this house it was only me and Pete and Sophia yeah and things have changed we've got four children who are growing up, they've got more stuff, then they're going to become teenagers and I want my house to be the hub and it's just fun for everyone and you know, you're in your house 90 % of your life, 99 % of your life, aren't you really?

4:35Yeah, I think there's a happy medium. Yeah. Cupboards, kind of, you know, a little rejig here and there. Yeah, but that's why they're giving me three options. Yeah. The first one, which is, meh. Second one, which is a bit better and the third option is, and then you can decide. but I just I'm telling you it's these ultimatums that's what I'm saying it's like we have to do this or this but I want to put a third option in or we don't yeah we put that towards a holiday yeah or we save that no you you're just as into it as I am in a way we all want listen a fresh freshen up's nice sometimes because liquor paint but like a whole house right over there upstairs is done I'm only doing like a couple of wall lights and they're just going to dress it.

5:21Yeah. So there's nothing major going on upstairs, but downstairs, you know, the posh lounge and stuff like that, they're completely redundant rooms. If I blended them all in together, when our friends, you'd have a bar, you'd have the footy on. You think they're open planet all? Huh? Are you going to open planet all? Is that what you're saying? Well, there's walls getting removed. Can I just say something here? But you're going to die. You know that wall that I knocked down? they want to put that back in where the one like separating the dining room because the way we planned it can i just say one thing that when i remember when we were designing the house you went yeah i need a posh lounge there and i went why yeah we're gonna look at it you're right and i finally come around to the idea now yeah but like that my original idea was let's not have a posh lounge that no one goes in because you you look at it and you go that's a beautiful room and then you sit in the other one it doesn't make any sense so I've finally come down round to your idea and I'm going to change it so it's all for you and now you're getting a bar now I'm getting a bar because you know when our friends come round we all even if there's 20 people we all stand in that slither in the kitchen against that bloody post with them 40 pound bar stools that I bought 11 years ago it's the only thing that's remained in the house well I've said you can change those bar stools yeah I know but you know just trust me on this they're so uncomfortable and I was sitting on it last night trying to watch the football and it was jarring into my back I know so you're going to have fabulous bar still is you going to have your own bar sister it sounds all very expensive to me and disruptive it's more the disruption to your life isn't it I think no but we'll just move out you love disruption I saw it the other day there was something what was it again it was it was man and wife and it was what he wants to do and what she wants to do no it was like a Venn diagram type of thing totally different things It was like men who listen to their wives are 99 % more successful.

7:24I sent you that. You did. You put it in the group chat. You did. He also sent one about men who play golf. Wives have genuinely happier lives. Yeah, because they're fucking gone. I'll do it. You can leave me to me right now without moaning at me every two seconds. I think it's like, it's a happy meeting there. Sort the Renault out. You can go and play golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's a winner. You come back to a lovely house and, you know, thousands in debt. The thing is, If I knocked a wall down, you wouldn't even notice. You know what you're like? You're such a dopey that you wouldn't even notice a wall missing in your own house.

7:55No, we wouldn't. You know, this doesn't excite me like it excites you. Exactly. Are we any weekly wines for pizza? Yeah, this is it. My weekly wine. He's just a not very supportive husband. That's not true at all. Your weekly wine, you told me when we went to France, my French. That's not a weekly wine. That was a weekly ick. Was it? but my French was fantastic I thought no we need to we need to add we need to do an ick list on this part I reckon okay it's not wine it's an ick it's an ick and you'd never ever give me the ick but what I'm immersing myself in the culture I'm sure that can't be an ick we've got loads we've got loads to talk about about this French trip okay but first of all when we got to the villa so we rented this beautiful villa it was like an old monastery absolutely stunning in the south of France.

8:48And when we got there, the housekeeper asked Peter, like, what are the kids called? So I had him, Sophia, Sophia, then it was Liberty, and then it was Jacques, Jacques, and Jeunet. And I was like, what the, I nearly vomited. You were upstairs, you only heard the conversation. No, I heard her. I said Liberty, she was like, what? she couldn't understand it so I said liberté she said ah ah oui liberté c 'est bon yeah yeah she was she understood that one and my son's Jack not Shracks Shracks she didn't understand it Shracks she didn't understand it I was like oh my god but yet we had a we had a an eventful trip but we'll get into that have we got any audience wines good one have you got any wines by the way Ernie well you tell him I'll ill look every time I turn up to record thanks Al but you are you are always asleep I'm not what do you mean asleep also it takes me two hours to get here I'm up for like two and a half hours before I arrive at yours I am like awake two and a half hours how do you work that out two hours and then half an hour usually waiting for you cry me a fucking river peach travelled to Stoke every day for eight years from Surrey you asked me if I had any wines and I'm burning about you well I'll throw you one back cry me a river there we go I feel for you okay so we cheers you know some people live in Manchester and work in London you're like saying you're always asleep but I'm being like I'm being on for two and a half hours I'm not half asleep okay I'll let you off thank you go on okay just thought I'd share my birthday card from my daughter Aoife as she must have heard me annoying my husband with a thumbs up a few too many times haha she obviously doesn't know what it means love the pod from Liverpool thumbs up oh Shabba something my mummy says a lot Shabba that's amazing the best thing about my mummy is she's kind sometimes something my mummy says a lot Shabba oh that's amazing look she sent a little picture of it oh that's lovely that's great the other fella must be getting terrorized in the kitchen oh my god he's getting terrorized Shabba oh my god there's been a lot of Shabba going on this week there was loads last week a little bit but you complained didn't you you said you put a ban on her yeah you weren't you weren't happy with it you said you flipped your lid on her and said I'm banning her from this household do the kids do it to me and they have stuff as well I think it's the naked ones yeah I don't like the naked ones they need a banning oh yeah it's 2024 I have yellow naked shabbers I've never had the balls naked shabbers anyone to be honest with you not even your girlfriend you know if the mood is right

11:45depends what kind of the kind of I like to speak oh I don't know it's a bit invasive isn't it

11:54okay hi Abby Pete and Ross I've never listened to podcasts before in my life in fact I have no idea how to get them recently my car was in the garage and I got a hired car and went on Amazon Play and your podcast came on I have to firstly point out I do not like comedy I hate being told when to laugh and some things everyone finds hilarious I don't even smile so the picture is seen I'm driving along to work and trying to work out this new fangled car listening to a podcast that came on by accident without a lie three times I had to pull over with tears running down my face thank you so much I haven't laughed like that in years it was the Russell Kane one it actually changed my whole outlook in life and I no longer sweat the small stuff and just say fuck it you have made a miserable old woman smile and laugh and I can't wait to work through the many episodes I've missed keep up the good work and reminding people not everything is super serious Shabba Jen oh that's a lovely message yeah I like that that is a good one that but that's why we do this shit to make people laugh yeah and I enjoy it as well and I enjoy it as well tell your face I don't get how people don't like comedy though um yeah I think boys have a very different humour like our Sean used to like laugh at the simpsons and family guy and all that and i'm like mr bean hysterical at mr bean i'm like i hate him for passion hey you don't get you mr bean is funny there's not funny about it i can't stand it even like bloody what's his face happy gilmore that's the new one i haven't seen the new one i know the original is funny the original i've seen the new one Tapping in happy.

13:36Tapping in happy. It's unbelievable. I don't like him though. What's his name? Adam Sandler. Yeah. Big Daddy. What a film. Although I recently watched that again. It's awful now. Big Daddy? Mm-hmm. I don't know if it's because I've got kids. I liked it when I was a kid. Yeah, he was gorgeous, that little boy. Yeah, he was. Okay, time to work this morning. In front of me was a caravan called Abby. Anal Abby. Well, people say I am anal. really yeah I'm anal didn't stop laughing for 10 minutes proper made my journey to work love your show Paul from Sonny Southport nice I saw one that didn't work the other day go on it was I can't remember it was a name it was like a French caravan or something Jacques Jacques it just didn't work that's disappointing I was really gutted because it was right in front of me and I saw it from ages away and it stopped at the lights and I went can't wait for this pulled rocket really close to it and it just didn't work and I was so good.

14:39See, I've made a point of when I see a caravan I just turn away because I hate that game so much. Why do you hate it so much? Because it's not funny at all. Anal explorer. That's hilarious. Anal explorer. Anal adventurer. There's nothing funny about an anus being explored. There's nothing funny about it. Anal camper? No. No. No. No. Well, before we get into the pod do you want to chat about our France trip? It was quite eventful. It was eventful. Very eventful. So we basically went because our daughter got a place in Moratoglu Tennis Academy. So she went there. She actually won the award for fastest serve at 148.

15:19Ah, trivia. KM per hour, is it? Or miles per hour? Clameters. Clameters. So that was amazing. So we all went to support Sophia and stayed in this incredible villa which was used to be an old monastery and it was like original but when we arrived there Peter, another weekly wine forgot to do like the welcome pack which you have to request with the concierge like what you want so we got there, Pete was already in a mood because the car didn't get delivered to the house so we were standing in the budget queue for three hours David Beckham wouldn't be doing this.

16:05Said you, by the way, not me. I didn't say that. David Beckham wouldn't do that. Well, he wouldn't be doing it, no. No? I fucking was. Yeah, yeah. I got picked up. Unfortunately, I'm not David Beckham. Yeah, unfortunately. I'm standing straight off the aircraft in the budget queue trying to get one of the worst cars I think I've ever through in my life. So we got this car and it was like a big van because obviously there's six of us so we need a six-seater at least. so Pete got this car it was manual barely went it was like it was huge it was like a double decker bus honestly you needed a HGV licence to friggin drive it and our villa was up these tiny country lanes like curvy we couldn't get into the gate of the villa like how wide this bus was so I'm parking down the street and then we've got to get all the kids bagged out so it's not a good start I can imagine me sweating as well I had the bags because we got picked up.

17:05Someone picked us up and took the bag because we had the bags. It was just yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying like... So he's moaning about this car. What the fuck is this? Da, da, da, da. In a terrible mood. So I called Claire, like RPA. I said, Claire, we're going to have to sort this car out. It's pretty nightmare. Pete can't drive. It's manual. I said, I don't even understand why you get a manual anyway because I passed my test in auto. I can't drive manual. So Pete was going, I wasn't too bothered because I'm not driving it. I'm just in the passenger seat. So it goes on and on and on. So then Claire just sends me this message with Claire going, Peter, I cannot get you a car.

17:40This is the only available car. It's manual. She sent all pictures of it. Peter's response, that's perfect, Claire, thanks. And then you went mad at me because I was like, you're what the French call les incompetents. It's not what you want to hear, is it? No, it's not. Is this like your first hour into the holiday as well? Yeah. yeah pretty much it was kind of sort it's kind of set the tone set the tone pretty early really classic Peter classic Peter no no no this is before I had the car so she sent screenshots to the messages saying like that I had obviously okayed it but I completely forgot that I had okayed it no I'm just saying classic Peter like not reading or paying attention to anything and just goes yeah fine nice one for that yeah so that so that was eventful then but it was a beautiful place we were in Mougin where's that?

18:34which is south of France it's about 20 minutes from Cannes okay but it's like a historical village beautiful high up the mountain views and it was where Picasso lived for the last 12 years of his life and died oh really? so it was it was incredible galleries and it was just the picture of Picasso is now on the top of the mountains a huge big sculpture of his head and it was really lovely the kids loved it didn't they walk around it's a nice little walk as well it's a beautiful place and people's like was it your whole lips and they look like they mopped the floor outside because it's so clean yeah it was clean lovely wasn't it but it's nice it was nice to immerse myself in French culture again you know obviously because I speak French so can you give us a little taster well yeah I went to the boulangerie and I ordered fully I did a whole routine in French go on do it Je voudrais un baguette, s 'il vous plaît No, it's a pan No, it was a baguette, actually Oh Yeah It wasn't just bread, it was a baguette And, yeah Café au lait Je bois de thé, you would like, normally De fromage I got some cheese as well Yeah, it was That's more French than I know It went really well Don't you speak French?

19:55Non, non, non but it was lovely we went on a boat day and we went over to Cannes that was gorgeous restaurant and just lovely food I do like the south of France do you? it's lovely it's so beautiful Pete got papped on the beach with his honky fuzzy I look like oh yeah yeah sorry I took a picture of it actually there was a little story that I took a picture of it and I put it in the Derriby Crouch group I don't know if you remember I look like a beached whale with you know the angle was great I had 17 chins picture here I took a picture of it obviously Peter showcased his age-defying physique. To be fair, you have got an age-defying...

20:32He's not 40. He's probably at least 60. No, but you're... He's age-defying. He's like a 10-year-old boy.

20:44That's true. Oh.

20:50Oh, dear me. But we had a good time. Well, we didn't. We didn't really. But it was fun. We had a great time. We went for some lovely family. It was nice to just be me peating the kids. We had like loads of nice family time. But then it all just turned sour one night when we were coming home to the villa, like at this big, huge fortress gate. Yeah. And it was surrounded by stone, like a huge triple height. And I was waiting for the gate to open. We just saw rats run across the top of the gate. Oh God, not what you want to see. No, so then I was terrified to have a biscuit in bed. My cup of tea.

21:26Wasn't I? So Pete had to eat my leftover biscuits. I don't even like biscuits at night time, you know. I had to eat the biscuits. So I was scared that there was going to be a rat in my mouth. So I had to leave. So I left with the kids a day early because I just didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. I like every animal apart from rats and capybaras. Rudens and vermin. I don't know about being in the country though. You've got to take a bit of that weight you're having, I suppose. You do see wildlife. that's gonna be wildlife out there and it wasn't in the house it was outside it was on the grounds but still yeah still not ideal no I wasn't like it but we had an amazing trip didn't we me you and the kids and we rekindled our love for each other sounds like it don't lie to the listeners baby we got through it we didn't get divorced we didn't I think we should renew our vows again after that if we can make it through that we can make it through anything 100 % but speaking of summer loving we've had loads of our listeners writing in isn't that right Ross?

22:34we have we've been unundated with people wanting to for you guys to help set them up oh really? this matchmaking thing that we're doing is really catching off and I think we can make it bigger we can help the nation fall in love and have what we have you can be so lucky look what you can you could have for yourself you sound like you're not happy there I'm so happy so happy well what we did babe we teased setting up our own dating agency didn't we a couple of weeks back we were inundated with messages from unlucky love singletons who are wanting to get back on the saddle today I set Alfie up with someone you have yeah on the because I flew home with the kids yeah and he was an air steward gorgeous such a nice guy topping me up with the champers every two seconds I loved him so nice so I was desperately trying to read his name badge like when he was far away from me and then I found him on Instagram and played a little bit of Cilla Black did you?

23:37yeah are you speaking? really? go away yeah I did tell you didn't tell me that I did did not tell me I did I would have remembered that is Alfie made up? he was lovely lovely guy perfect watch this piece you know when you can just tell someone would be a good vibe yeah it was a good vibe because I was talking on the flight and stuff and I thought I can't leak I can't get off this aircraft without getting his name I found him can you believe that wow well done well hopefully you can work your magic today as well okay well yeah we can see through some messages we've had from our listeners and try and see if we can play matchmaker before we get into the messages do you want to run through what makes a strong relationship we've got a couple of things here okay Is there something that immediately springs to mind?

24:24Trust. Trust. Laughter. Laughter. Love.

24:33At Boar's Head, we've been going back to school for over 115 years. And this year, every school lunch is reason to celebrate with the flavours your kids love and the exceptional quality you expect. helping you make school lunch fresh, easy, and delicious. Ring the bell. The deli is open. Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905. You've got social dialed in. Search is doing its thing. So why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago? That's because you're fishing in the same pond as everyone else. Podcast listeners are a different audience entirely. More engaged, harder to reach through traditional channels, and ready to act when someone they trust makes a recommendation.

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25:45You have to, I think, accepting people for who they are and not trying to change people. Yeah. To hold each other, fancying one another. Lust. Lifestyle. Lifestyle. Family. Yeah, I suppose if you're like a better hiker and you're like a gamer or something like that, you're not going to quite get on, are you? You need to be interested in some things. No? Yeah, if one's like into the gym and the other one's not, Yeah. I think that there is an element of, you have to have some similar interests. You have to have some common interests. But it's like, Pete hates horses and I hate golf. Yeah. And they're our two biggest passions.

26:25Okay, now. What does that say about us? I don't know, yeah. Opposites attract. Yeah, very good. Yeah, maybe. I don't think you have to be in each other's pockets. No, I don't think so. But shared values. Oh my God. No, like, You don't want to come to the football with me, do you? I do. No, you don't. I can't burby him without you for one second. Yeah, but like, back in the day, he wouldn't say that. This is what, me and Lucinda having a conversation about this yesterday. You know, we're never ever going to have that feeling ever get ever again. Like that butterfly excitement. Well, that's fucking nice, isn't it?

26:58No. Why not? Why not? You don't get that every time this hunk with his age-defying physique walks through the door. I haven't finished my... Listen, there's plenty of people I could reveal my age-defying physique to. Peter, I haven't finished my sentence. I would have butterflies. I haven't finished my sentence from when you first met someone, which is what I was about to say. We were helping a friend. We were helping Nick's son. Yes, I had. In his love life. You had some advice on him, didn't you? We were giving him some advice, yes. I've been better than a lot of advice. He's so emotionally mature, young Jack.

27:32Bloody hell. I was like, you need to be a little word of Pedro. But he's so lovely and we were just like giving him some tips and blah, blah, blah. And I think it went down well. I bet it did. I'm not going to reveal to help some listeners. No, but we were, like that's what Lucy was saying. Like, you know, he's like, oh, and then, because you've just said you don't want to live in each other's pockets. But I don't know what I'm saying. Back in the day, you couldn't even bear, we used to, me and you used to be on the phone to each other when we were apart for 10 hours. But even then. No, you don't even answer the bloody phone to me.

28:06Yeah, but like, he's not going to, You're not going to want to go down the pub with the lads for this large chat, are you? Do you know what I mean? And also what I'm saying is like, then we, as much as I loved you, we still didn't live in each other's pockets because I was away with football a lot. Like you don't want to, you weren't with me at football. It's healthy to do your own thing as well, but also come back. And I think it's more special. To reconnect. Yeah, I mean, like from the moment we met, we had our own things going on, which is healthy, but then you always come back together. yeah trying to say but let's help other people okay you could be like us so happy so happy when my when I used to call you when we were like really young and first got together my name would come up on the screen you'd be like get butterflies and now you're like ugh you even told me to stop calling you but you called me a lot that day like a hell of a lot I know but loads of things happened I need to tell you Okay, last one.

29:05It's not that butterflies, it's called anxiety. Yeah. It's called fear. My stomach drops when you call as well. Shut up. Abby, you'd love her, would have her in your specially selected VIP friendship circle of yours. She's a model, nurse, actress, dancer, talented, clever, 100 % provides for herself and relies on absolutely no one for anything. She should be snapped up by now. needs someone kind and gentle handsome funny tall and also as independent as she is financially she keeps getting landed sounds like you keeps getting landed with absolute arseholes and I can't bear to stand by and watch anymore I'm attaching a picture because you honestly won't believe how stunning she is she's 33 heart of gold please help out an earth angel I'm a scouser wanting to give back to a friend who's always there for me that's a problem she's scouse yeah flippy my dad said he wouldn't go near it just go scale with a barge pearl I'm so proud of you girl let me see her is this the let me see her she's lovely she's gorgeous dark blue eyed auburn porcelain skin beautiful beautiful teeth yeah and she's a scouser and she's a scouser I've never seen her on time The lady, the girl that wrote in said she was a Scouse.

30:33She didn't say her friend was. That's true. That's true. So she's going to have no trouble. No. We can easily say, what does she want? She wants someone, she basically wants a Peter Crouch, but with a sense of humour. With a sense of humour. She basically wants Peter Crouch, but who's handsome and with a sense of humour.

30:54Tough. You can't have it all. No. You can't have it all. Ross I'll throw my hat into the ring with the triathlete please mate I've never done a triathlon I'm not going to do a triathlon but I am a very good supporter of people doing endurance sports and I'll take her for a lovely lunch when she's finished I've attached a recent photo I'm the one on the right as you look at it the tie not the bow tie a non my name is on the email but please stay non at this point he's the one with the tie yeah oh he's nice what no offence to your mate no they're both alright okay do you remember our triathlete the blonde girl the Irish girl I do yeah she was lovely I love the fact that he's not willing to do any of these activities but he's willing to support her through them fantastic massage your feet at the end of it and he's a fan of endurance sports yeah I'm sure he is I'm sure he is and he sent a photo of anal champ yeah the caravan he's seen so he's got a great sense of humour he looks dishy how does he dress nice little cream suit on he's got there looks very smart he looks like he's at a wedding there yeah looks like nice he's not getting married there that's not his wedding photo he's got a bride next to him could be slightly off-putting his ex-wife yeah do you think he could be a good fit for our triathlete yeah definitely yeah I think he'd make a good he looks pretty fit himself he's not a triathlete but he's let's see yeah he looks great silver fox young silver fox Fox.

32:26Yeah, he looks handsome, tall. This could be our first match. Oh, there we go. There's another match. So we've got one match done. We've got our potentially sluggish - So are we actually going to send them on a date together? I want to link them up, and if they like each other, then they can go on a date. Perfect. Of our first therapy crouch wedding. No, we should send them on a date. But only if they like each other. They can't send them on a date if they don't like each other. Can I imagine? Ugh, no. Yeah. I think that'll go well. I do. Right, another listener looking for love here. Hi, Ross, Scott, the Clance and Carly P.

32:59Obligatory love the pod comment. You have me laughing until I'm in tears and my cheeks hurt. So thank you. So Kerry, that was the Iron Girl. She sounds amazing. Sporty, confident Ironman babe and a 10 out of 10. I may not match her stride for stride in a triathlon, but think of me as a poor man's Kerry. Shorter, less Irish and more hot tub and saunas than Ironmans and ice baths. Sounds great. I'm 34, also in marketing. based in London stroke Essex. No strong Towie accent, I swear. I'm five foot four and a half because we know every inch counts. I also love to travel and I'm into fitness. I train most days.

33:37I've dabbled in a few competitions, not carry level, but my numbers were pinned to vests. So it counts, right? I run occasionally, mostly because my dog insists. But the only marathon I'm committing to is film based with a solid sofa picnic. Nice. I'm big on loyalty she sounds like she'd suit you yeah I don't know what the sound of it five foot four pocket rocker hopefully she's got a thigh brow yeah yeah there's a big on loyalty and banter which is handy because my family love to take the mick and are dangerously close to launching a full blown dating service for me I'm writing this in before I'm set up with someone nice from my mum's friend's sister's chess club who thinks cardio is a type of pasta and has the personality of a wet rag.

34:26In short, I'm open to Kerry's knock-offs. She is funny. Or going, or gym-going mates. The sporty kind, witty ones, who also believe a sprint finish can mean racing to meet the pizza guy. Post-workout. Keep the matchmaking going. You're onto something here. Picks included. Please be kind. Oh, she's lovely. very nice oh she's gorge and she's got banter that was a great email very funny she's gonna be no problem to set up absolutely no problem whatsoever that's that's yeah that's easy she likes horses I'll go out with her she sounds like a right laugh she sounds like a right laugh see she's got nice teeth they've both got nice teeth it's a big thing that for me yeah so we've got the girl from Liverpool who potentially isn't from Liverpool.

35:22We've got the lad set up with our triathlete and then we've got another singleton, single lady. We need to describe her for our listeners. Go on. She's blonde. She's a babe. She looks fit. She looks fun. She likes animals because she sent a picture with a horse. A bit outdoorsy vibes. Yeah, a bit outdoorsy. Up for a laugh. Likes movies. Scrubs up well. Scrubs up. What more do you want? he'd stop looking at her now I'm not looking at her I knew this was going to be risky I've like I said I know what the fuck did you just say about it? you go out with her then I might do it I might put my CV in recently divorced a little bit of baggage

36:16listen don't judge A sense of humour. A bit of rubbish. With an age-defying physique. And a tiny cock.

36:28Keep going. No, he's not in proportion. Before I get asked.

36:38Oh, brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I love it. Oh, well. Oh, well. Can't have it all, eh? okay I heard on today's pod about a listener looking for a tall athletic man and wants to put my name in the hat I meet all of the criteria I play football every week and additionally have three cats named after cheeses I would love to explore more please find some photos of me and the cats attached didn't we say man with a cat is like the ultimate ick a man with a pet cat wouldn't bother me did you see do you know what I saw on Instagram this Amazon driver have you seen it someone called them on the doorbell ring pick up their cat and lick its face like numerous times and then threw it on the floor what the hell I was not ready for that in the dark he saw the cat and he got it over to him so slow he picked it up and he licked it like that about five times and threw it viciously on the floor it was so weird fucking hell What's your algorithm do?

37:43I don't know. And what? It was sick. Those ring doorbells freak me out though. He should be bloody locked up, that man. Yeah, he should. Disgraceful. That is absolutely... I know I lick, I suck my horse's nose, but that's completely... But it's also your... I don't know, it's like someone else's cat. He looked like he wanted to eat it. Ugh. No. I wonder what his cats are called. They're named after cheeses. Brie. Oh, good choice, yeah. Cheddar? You've got one cheddar. Chad. Maybe Chad. Camembert. Eden. Eden. Brig. Baby Belle. Belle. Belle. Baby Belle's. Baby Belle's nice. Wensleydale. No. Where's?

38:25Goat. Do you want to see the picture of him? Goat. Berater. Don't. I can't reach up here. Mozzarella. I think he'd be great for someone. He's got a nice physique. he's got brown hair facial hair brown eyes mousy hair I can't see any pictures of the cats I thought he said he's put pictures of the cats I don't want to touch the emo I want to know why he's sitting on his own with two glasses of wine in front of him my kind of guy

38:58I always like to look in reflections and pictures you're sick you know there's someone there's someone sitting on the chair there how you even think to do that like that I know. It's obvious, mate. Getting the shot for him. Is there any of the two girls that we've read out previously that you think he'd be a good match with, Abbey? Yeah, no, I think we need a fresh search for him. Oh, okay. It's just instinctively, I'm saying new girl, I don't think L is right. Or the other girls, yeah. Okay. All right, let's move on. We've got play and catch up on all the pods. The episode where you're trying to matchmake L with a guy compelled me to message, you two are absolute couple goals and that's from a 56-year-old divorcee.

39:41Please, please, can you help? I'm happily independent with health, wealth, confidence and hopefully decent looks for my age. I don't need a man, but I'd really like one and I'm missing having someone to share life's adventures with. Lie next to at night, spooning, cuddling and all the other shenanigans. Physical touch is a big thing, even just like hand-holding. If you don't have that. I've tried all the dating apps, been ghosted, gaslighted and all the other new dictionary entries that have evolved from these apps, but not found him yet. I've even become a member of a bespoke matchmaking agency.

40:14I've met some lovely men, but not the one. I leave myself in your hands and I hope that the therapy couch could be my answer. Keep doing what you're doing, making me smile and laugh out loud in the gym. Rebecca, kind regards. Rebecca's lovely. Very nice. Lovely lady. Oh my God, Gorge. Oh, she's beautiful. she's golden skin she looks like Italian she's Mediterranean isn't she yeah Mediterranean she's got beautiful sick brown hair she absolutely does not look 56 she's got a fabulous figure she looks very elegant she does stylish beautiful smile oh my god yeah she's a catch well absolute catch for someone around you know similar age yeah but she might want a toy boy yeah she didn't specify she's got my number

41:06Ross will take you out honey yeah I think we found some good potential starting points there we've got a lot of work to do it's alright talking about it here I think we need to get out there we've got a great variety we've definitely got something for everyone we've got one solid date we think lined up I'm going to put them in touch with each other and then we'll have the other people that you can write in either therapy crouch or on our socials yeah to match up with absolutely send in your profiles yeah Let's get this thing kicking off. Okay, Agony Abs. Hi, guys. I'm 25 from Scotland and I need some advice on life decisions.

41:38I currently live in London and I have lots of friends down here. My life is good. But in the past two days, I've split up with my boyfriend. I've quit my job, put my flat on the market and applied for a job in Dubai. Oh, my God. I have an interview next week for Cabin Crew. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? What is someone supposed to be doing at 25? I have no idea. What were you doing at 25? I look at people from school who are either up the duff married or hanging out in Uber pished at 5am on a Thursday like me so true I also want to find the love of my life have a fairytale wedding and four kids eventually but where is he hiding also I might add my ex from years ago lives in Dubai who was a very attractive man yet had the personal hygiene of a medieval peasant like it made no sense because he looked like a model but he just didn't wash his balls oh my god that's incredible he also cheated on me for like four months should I let that put me off going lots of love from a single 25 year old teenager who has no idea what to be doing with her life you guys make the drive home from work so much better god that's some big big things that's a big week that isn't it that is a huge week splitting up with your boyfriend quit your job moving to a different country and putting your house on the market putting your house on your market I haven't also 25 to put on the market by the way which is great yeah I also don't think at 25 there's anything to worry about you know like it's 25 as a child at 25 I was married with a child though yeah but I think that's different you booked a trend a little bit I think yeah I don't think I wouldn't be worried at 25 put it that way go and enjoy your life get out there go to Dubai listen Dubai's a big place maybe she should rent her house out you know smelly balls are you yeah his balls will only be even sweatier and smellier than Dubai you might smell him but oh my god I don't think she's got anything to worry about about bumping into him no no Dubai is a there's loads going on but I is Dubai the place to look for love well that's where she's going I don't I'm not too sure but it sounds like she's going to be on a cabin crew seems very transactional over there to me but she's going to be on cabin crew so she's going to go all around the world she'll have a port in every storm I probably wouldn't put your house up for sale I'd probably rent your house out if she doesn't need the money yeah rent your house out so you've got some security to come back to because if you go out there and then you can't find somewhere you want to come back and you can't I'd test it out like I'm all for an adventure and I'd say do it because you can always return home but I think the only thing that's sticking out to me there is that selling a house good advice good advice over to you I'm 23 and I've noticed a weird pattern in myself when it comes to dating I love the chase the build up the graph the mystery but once things actually start going somewhere or a girl properly likes me back i lose interest fast and i'm starting to wonder if there's something off in how i'm approaching things is it just a classic case of loving the buzz of it all and then getting bored once the novelty wears off or am i accidentally sabotaging something deeper i think it's definitely harder for the young ones to find love because all these apps and stuff it does make it quite like transient you don't really have to try you don't have to you know court someone because you can just meet you can just swipe left and meet someone else yeah yeah you don't really need to try because i think they're always thinking the grass is greener they don't need to settle because you can you know bloody sleep with someone every day if you want to do i think i genuinely think that's that's definitely the issue you know people are addicted to their phones and if you're if you're single for a long enough that becomes normal just consistently scrolling and i think when you get into a relationship like yeah always at the back of your mind like yeah but i'll just have another scroll you know i mean you find and that it's just just the next one also could it also could be a case of not finding the right person yet because i think once you know you know i'm also still very young how old is he 25 23 23 he should he should just be having a good time in my opinion it doesn't I don't think it matters too much.

45:48I think as long as you're respectful and not hurtful to these girls. I think people want what they can't have often as well, don't they? I don't think he needs to worry. He obviously hasn't met the right person. He needs to just go and enjoy himself. Exactly, yeah. You know, as you say, as long as he's respectful. Hello. A few days ago, myself and my girlfriend of three and a half years broke up after doubts lingering around for a long time. I'm in a period of self-reflecting and realised that I'm, I pushed her away because I've been scared of a long-term commitment. I think I need to work on myself and fix my own problems.

46:23But at the same time, I'm coming down with the realization I've messed up by causing our relationship to break down. We had no major issues apart from the relationship fizzing out and becoming distant. But I feel like we both didn't fight enough to save the amazing thing we had. We agreed on a period of no contact, but didn't specify how long for. How long should I wait until I get in touch with her to express my emotions and realisations about what caused our issues and the potential to reconcile. I'm just not down for an immature fight. I just think you need to talk. I think all these silly mind games and playing games, he just needs to call her up and say exactly what he's said in that email.

47:02He shouldn't wait. He already knows how he feels with this break. So the minute he knows how he feels, he needs to tell her. Absolutely. There's no point waiting. There's no specific time. the minute you know tell her yeah and just tell her how you feel and no doubt she'll you know I'm pretty sure she'll come back and then you'll start again because you realised how what you had was special yeah I'll tell her now before it's too late yeah and she gets a new fella yeah exactly right good advice okay it's all good advice help loads of people there set up loads of people love is in the air love is in the air we should have another baby is that before or after the reno and you need to tell me now if we are because I need to add another bedroom on um I won't no is the answer to that question we are not having another one it's nice having it's nice setting people up I think yeah it's nice because there is no better thing than being in love no absolutely not agreed well hopefully there will be many more matchmaking episodes and we'll have more of our listeners not to unlucky in love I thought you were saying knocked up yeah I'm not as well up the duff alright we'll see you next time

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