#3058 Wife Swap The Real Housewives Edition S1E2: Midnight Train to Gorga

0:21Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap Bins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me here is my wife that maybe one day we'll swap. It's Ronnie Karam. How's it going? How dare you? Hello. That would be a funny wife swap because then I would be like taking care of Bueller and then you would be like with Dom and that would be like a very funny like compare and contrast. That's a pretty actually pretty easy swap. I would actually say welcome everyone. We're talking wife swap. It's the Melissa Gorga wife swap episode. Just a reminder, we have a wonderful and active Patreon.

0:58Patreon.com slash Watch for Crappins. We have weekly bonus episodes. We also have Crappins on Demand, where you get to watch the video component of our podcast. We have a Discord community. Everything is wonderful out there. So come join us on Patreon. Also, on Mondays, we do some sort of live thing. This coming Monday, we have Crappy Hour, which is going to be where we talk about Bravo Headlines and talk to you all and sort of just shoot the shit. That's on YouTube and it's simulcast on Patreon and Instagram. So come join us for that. That'll be at 5.30 on the West Coast and 8.30 on the East Coast.

1:35And don't forget, we have daylight savings time. Daylight savings time is ending this weekend. So don't miss crappy hour by that one hour. Yeah. Oh, I hate when that happens. I can't get used to the dark. Getting your hour back. Well, talk about hour swap So much for wife swap Wait, what does that mean? Fall forward, spring back Oh, so we gain an hour We gain an hour Fall back, spring forward, fall back So we lose an hour? You gain an hour Because it's like you went through 9am And guess what? You fall back So you'd be going through 9am a second time You gain an hour well okay well i'll never get it but thank god the the phones do it for you now so you don't really have to do anything hey everybody isn't that yeah god isn't that great so that's the excitement of this weekend today we are talking about wife swap it's our second episode i loved last week's episode with angie k i thought it was so fun it was so sweet i also enjoyed this one quite a bit but i feel like i can see some of the cracks on the wife swap experience i'm like okay I'm glad this can be a short like four, four episode excursion.

2:49What were your cracks? I felt, I felt like I saw more of the staging this episode. I felt like I could see like, like the kids were not as good actors as the Idaho kids. I'm not going to lie. The kids were like, I am so happy to clean. I was like, okay.

3:09I mean, to be fair, it may have just been that they just had the, needed to have the kids to say the line again. It may not have been scripted like that. But I did think it was still, it was better than I thought. I thought, okay, Angie was such a good episode. I was like, oh God, Melissa Gorga. Will this be a good episode? Well, Melissa seems like she's going to be bratty. But Melissa was actually pretty good. I actually enjoyed Melissa. And even though we know that she did not spend a night in that house, because she said as much, I think, what on Jeff's show. But Melissa was okay. She said she begged the producers not to have to stay there and insisted on staying in a hotel, which is weird.

3:45I mean, it's two days, you know, Jesus Christ, they're giving you a pile of money. You can sleep in a fucking bed for two for two nights or one night, whatever it is. Yeah. I guess I'm wondering, is every episode just going to be like, we're going from a clean house to a dirty house? Is that just what it's going to be? I felt like some of the lessons were like not as strong in this one, but they're. Well, yeah, we're going from a clean house to a dirty house. Like one house is gross. One house is really clean. And then you have to eat different things at the different houses. that's also a big thing where they're like oh my god people eating differently this is gonna be crazy um i did i did really like this one i was impressed with melissa but i mean you know that she didn't bug me as much as she normally does i thought she'd be a lot snotty or especially after hearing some of those jeff lewis clips because she really came off like an asshole in that yeah so i thought oh this is gonna be really cringy but she wasn't bad but still as usual the stars were joe and the kids and actually it made me think wow i actually want to see more of her kids because those oafs i mean those are idiots i mean wow what blocks of cheese what meatballs those guys are for sure so i want to see more of them because i was cracking up at how stupid they were and just how thick i mean they're just they're made they're just pure Melissa you know and i was cracking of the whole time and the daughter i think has grown up to be really cute and gorgeous like i like her personality a lot and the uh the other family was great i loved all of the other family that mom is fucking hilarious so i really liked it i thought yeah i agree i think i think the show still has a lot of sweetness you know another crack i saw was when they all went to the construction site together i was like this is like this doesn't make sense it does not make sense the whole family is going to go to a construction site together.

5:35So I thought it was something like that that just didn't feel... It felt like it was a little jump the sharky, which is, I know, crazy. The whole show doesn't make sense. The whole show is ridiculous. But we're going to step into another world. I don't know. I was like, I'm just not buying this part of it. So I just wasn't as completely sold on this episode as much as the last. I just didn't feel like as tight of a show. But let's, whatever, who cares? I do think they need to spend more time. I think that spending one, basically one full day together is what it looks like. Maybe two. It's just not enough time.

6:10You know, it's like, wow, you see that somebody doesn't do their dishes and you get to judge it. And also, I don't believe that because I've literally never met a mother who is going to just leave or a father who's going to just leave dirty dishes of a family of five piled in a sink all night long. That's just disgusting. I mean, it's flies. There are flies. we've all had pests there are pests like i just don't believe that when melissa's when melissa said you didn't want to spend the night there i was like oh my god what a what a snobby bitch but then when we saw the place i was like i can kind of understand i feel like a neat freak and then you come in and you see like that nasty has blender and everything else just sitting out there and you think of like the pest and the flies you're like yeah you leave a fruit blender out all day and it's not covered in flies i just yeah there's something weird about that but you have to suspend the disbelief because it's so silly you know it's two days what are they gonna do what are they gonna do what are they gonna do but i just felt like it could have just been a tighter episode in terms of like the compare and contrast like we used to do this before and now we do this now and now we're gonna learn from it i was like really but bringing antonia to a construction site that doesn't make any sense if it was like okay instead of going to work joe you're going to we're all going to go to the movies together you're gonna spend more time with your family that makes sense to me but like not we're all just gonna go standing around in the dirt but i think I think I'm probably being too critical about a very stupid show that.

7:33Yeah. I think it's just a dumb show. Yeah. Just a dumb show. Just a dumb show, Ben. Yeah. So, um, basically we meet Melissa and Joe, who we already know. Melissa is like a CEO boss bet. She guys, she has a boutique and a sprinkle cookie company. So, um, she's also got a dog that wears a diaper. So that's, you know, her thing. Antonia is off to college, but she's going to come shoot. Okay. So she'll be here. And then there's Gino and Joey. And we see a typical day of Melissa's. Joe's out at 630. He doesn't come home till dinnertime. Probably cheating most days or at strip clubs. And she has coffee.

8:11She works out. She does glam. And then she goes to work. I think it's funny that the housewives actually do glam every day. That was crazy. She's like, I'm doing something that rich people really do. No, this is a very lonely person. That's what this is. this is a you're doing glam to go to the mall kiosk that you rent i mean come on yeah if you're if you're if you're putting on glam just to show up at envy then you're doing too much i guess her justification is that she goes to envy and then she puts on clothing and then she puts that on social media to advertise envy and then she can write off the glam and she can write off envy but it seems like a sad existence yeah it does and that's maybe that's why i kind of felt for Melissa.

8:57And the other wife picks up on it right away where she's like, oh, my God, this is this is one sad person, you know, and I agree. And I think that that was kind of what the other wife got when she went into Angie's life. She was like, wow, this is a sad woman. Like all she does is spend time cleaning her sunglasses and spending time with her kids. So I think that's interesting. It's an interesting parallel that it's like, wow, look at all this money and you're still very lonely and all you want to do is clean. yeah it sort of didn't make sense to have these episodes back to back because they were so similar in terms of like what they do but i feel like uh bravo was like um we just cannot have emily simpson be our second episode we have to bury her in the middle of this four episode season yeah so the fall off will be drastic yeah so then the producers are asking gino who cleans up the clothes like mom does okay who makes the food mom who uh finishes your sentences because you can't access all your words mom she does she does she does and just her dead eyes they both both the boys are like duh it's like so like two oxes after they've eaten joe's like my wife she's just so ocd you know what i'm saying like i can't with her Like, she's like, she's got to have everything clean.

10:16Like, what the hell? It's crazy, am I right? I'm a man. She's a woman. A man was born with a dick. A woman was born with a mop in her hand. Am I right? You can catch that at Gino's Comedy Club coming up soon, all right? A lot of my analness comes from my childhood. I didn't grow up in a house where everything was run as tight, and I lost my dad at a very young age. And I always said, not in my house. We're not using my dad at a young age. in this house. What did the dad thing have to do with it? My house is a piece of shit and my dad died too, but I said, not in my house. Not in my house. There he is.

10:54Nah, not in my house. We're going to go see mommy and daddy home together every night and I'm keeping it neat and I keep it clean. Yeah, you're so OCD with everything. Am I right? Yeah, that's the word. OCD. She's like, da-da-da-da-da. It's like too much, right? Like, what is it? The boobs that make her like that? Am I right? like this is why we can't vote you know you can't get women in there to vote because all they do they spend an hour and they're cleaning out the voting booth then no one gets in there you know what i'm saying women well what i hope to get from this swap is just to like let some things go you know like uh i don't know i don't know what i really want to let go of right now i'm actually really just trying to hold on to everything my kids joe i don't know i don't i've got a sad life so now we go to georgia why do we have to believe why are we supposed to believe that none of the real housewives have maids like are you fucking kidding me you're you're telling me that none of you have maids i don't believe it you've all got like the secret little room behind the laundry room called the maids room we all know it okay yeah so uh then we go over to georgia and we meet michelle and she's saying like i don't think i can handle you know the 1950s 1960s man comes home woman does the cooking kind of thing.

12:06The woman does, I mean, woman does the cooking man goes to work. She's like, no. So we meet Michelle and Sean and, um, they love being together all the time. They have three kids, Sean jr. Phoenix and Maverick. And, um, they have a vegan household for, for health. And they have, uh, they're really obsessed with double Dutch. And as soon as they started talking about double Dutch, I was like, Oh, I've seen these people before. How have I seen these people before? and it was, I did some research. They were on The Amazing Race. And I was like, oh, that's right. These people with the double dutch business, they were always talking about, it's like everything is about double dutch.

12:42And I really love these people, but they really like the double, it's too much. Too much of the double dutch, like it's too much. And also like, how are you running like some sort of like athletic company, but you are not disciplined at all with your cleaning? I don't understand that. Normally people who are like trainers or athletes are super, super disciplined about everything in their life, especially their personal space. Oh, really? I don't know. I don't speak to people like that. I don't really know. I don't know. Yeah. Well, I don't think double-dutching is really like a discipline. I mean, I guess it's a skill that you learn, but it's not like a...

13:18Well, I guess it is, because it's like an Olympic sport, right? What she's saying is, I think I was surprised because I was like, wow, that's a sport. I had no idea. I've seen it a lot, like on TikToks and stuff. I've always wanted to know how to do that, but girl, I can barely get out of bed. I'm not going to double Dutch. I don't know if it's not an Olympic sport, but there is some sort of like world championship that she is the world champion of. And they've been on like a million talk shows. I at first thought I'd seen them on a house hunters, but it was amazing race. But, but then doing the research, they've been on all the morning shows and they do the double Dutch thing.

13:47And it's all about double Dutch. And so house hunters pass them. I can see them on house centers being like, we need a room to jump rope in a hundred percent. They are a hundred percent going to be on house hunters if they haven't been already. Yeah. And then every house they go see, they're going to be like, well, this is nice for the office, but can we jump her open here? I don't think so, Mindy. You better get back to the books. It's Mindy Kaling as their realtor. She thinks. She's like smiling at her own jokes.

14:18So Sean is. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I thought you were saying Mindy. What's her face from facts of life? Mindy Kaling. Yeah, Mindy Kaling also. It's the real estate firm of Mindy and Mindy.

14:33so michelle must just spend time with her family even if that means not doing her dishes and she's like if we're all miserable but the house is clean what kind of life is that a dirty life i mean i don't know i feel like i'd be i'd rather be miserable in a clean house than happy in a dirty one if that makes any sense i think i would rather be happy in a largely tidy house because I'm not going to act like, look, I'm not, I'm not anal retentive. Uh, I keep things largely clean, but like sometimes I have dinner and I'm like, I'm too tired of dishes and I'll, I'll clean my dishes in the morning. And like, I will do that.

15:12But what I try not to do. And what I generally don't do is like, things don't pile up and like, it's not, it does not look the way it did in this, this place. But like, I don't always clean my dishes the same night. I will do them in the morning sometimes i don't always either but i'll at least like put them in the sink like i'll take the food off of them put them in the sink and then soak them you know like i'll put water on them so i'm not waking up to crusty shit and i think that a lot of it was my problem with it was they were just like leaving all their food and piling it up with all the food out and exactly just and then then you wake up and you can't do the dishes because everything is caked on there and then it's like it just makes it so much harder thing and like you know what when i my my my kitchen definitely gets messy when i'm here alone like if dom is like out in new york working on something for sure i'm like even more lenient because i know it's just me and i'm like if i make a mess it's my own mess it's my own fault it's like you know what i did this to myself and i kind of feel like but like but if dom is here or if someone's here if someone were staying with me i'm like much more attentive to it because it's like you're sharing the space with people so it's shocking to me to have like a whole family a whole like a group of people under one household and just like oh let's just let it just stack up with food on it because like other people need to use the kitchen other people need to do things in there yeah there's one thing about like you can be sloppy but this is sloppy sloppy like sloppy is like leaving your dishes soaking sloppy sloppy is caked up food on your dishes you know what i mean Like there's just there's a difference because it just makes it harder.

16:47So then Michelle's like, well, you know, we're happy being, you know, not cleaning because we spend time together. But eventually someone has to clean that stuff. I don't know. I'm so hung up on the clean house. It's not even the clean house because the rest of the house didn't bother me. It was the kitchen that bugged me. I was like, this is unsanitary. This is like this is this is like cholera waiting to happen. OK, so then Michelle's like, well, cleaning with kids is like cleaning in quicksand. living with kids is like living in quicksand what are you gonna do just not have them you know what they call kids quicksand goodbye money goodbye brunch you have kids now they are quicksand it's like your soul your entire soul is in quicksand okay hey you want to do something fun sorry you got to go to a soccer game to watch a bunch of kids chasing a ball and then you got to hand out orange drink enjoy the quicksand it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

17:47so then uh melissa is finding out that she's going to georgia and they're like oh and she's like yeah georgia and they're like where that where that you know her kids are like what's that a 10 minute scene while the kids try to figure out where georgia is yeah they're like what is that what's a georgia and then at the other family she's like i'm going to new jersey and the kids are like, oh my god, yes, yes! Like she won something. Really excited. I've never seen anybody so excited to go to New Jersey. You're going to New Jersey. Yes, queen! So Michelle says, the only thing I know of housewives is they live a very wealthy life and you gotta throw a glass ear there and the house must be flawless.

18:31So Melissa is saying to Joe, like, well, I don't like leaving you. He's like, yeah, You ain't sleeping without me. You ain't when they don't get what, when I, when I released the poison, it's not the same when you're not there. Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah. It's like, I made you a get, I made you a present. All right. And he's made a pillow with his picture on it. And she's like, Oh my God, you put yourself on a pillow, Joe. Oh my God. I got to take this pillow. So now we go to the women walking through each other's homes. And Melissa's like, okay, Okay, interesting paint choices. Because every room is a really, really bright primary color.

19:12It's like one room's bright orange, and then another room is like bright royal blue. Yeah, and it's like that. It feels like the wall was painted with paint that you make a painting with, not like with wall paint. So it sort of has that kind of like, you can sort of see the layers through it. And Melissa's like, okay. And so she's like, okay, interesting. It's like, well, I brought, I brought sprinkle cookies. So I'll just put these right here and okay, let me see what they eat. Oh my God. Do they own a fruit farm? Cause she just sees nothing but fruit in their refrigerator. Yeah. She's, and then Michelle goes into her house and her house looks great.

19:47And I have to, you know, hand it to Melissa because that house was universally mocked when it was first revealed by us for, I think half an hour, like a full half hour segment on crappy hour, because Joe just did a terrible job on the first round of the house. Like the windows were all the wrong size and the roofs were all, there were like multiple roofs with different sizes that didn't match. I mean, it just looked crazy. And they did a good job on the re-remodel of this house. It looks great now. And so Michelle's like, oh my God, this is amazing. This is huge. And then she goes into the kitchen, which has like, it feels like the kitchen has like four kitchen islands in it.

20:23It's just like a football field of kitchen islands. And she starts running around. She goes, oh my God, all the juicing I could do in here. Oh my God. Whoa. Oh my God. But then she sees Melissa's olive oil. Melissa has taken an olive oil jug and bedazzled it. And she's like, okay, you designed the olive oil. Okay. You do not need to put glitter on olive oil, which I agree with. So she goes through the fridge and she goes, okay, so we're eating baby chickens. Okay. And cheese, cheese, and cheese. You know, I'm sorry, but no cheese. Cheese is the devil. so she loves the house Melissa is disgusted by her she's like wow but she's trying not to be she's like they're not neat freaks and wow that's so refreshing yeah there's definitely little kids here boys cause I see balls basketballs only boys like playing with balls so we all know that she's like you know my house is like monochromatic and like clean lines and extremely organized and extremely neat and like you can tell that like you know that they live here you can really see it's like cut to the blender with some sort of like gray purple smoothie residue on it oh crusty blueberry all over the thing and then she's like yeah you know uh they you can tell that they live here it's amazing to see like what homeless people look like they would live inside of a house this is crazy so then michelle is like well okay they have a clean house and I like a clean house, but I also like a lived in house and this house is very white and nobody lives here.

21:59So house rules. Melissa says, dear Miss Temporary Wife, we are vegan, no meat, no dairy and Melissa's like, but I'm anemic. So she continues reading, we are just finishing our group juice cleanse now, which means we have not eaten food in 10 days. just juice impossible in our household we don't follow traditional rules we have dinner on the sofa and we'd rather stay up late playing over making it to bed on time she's like wow wow so then michelle reads her rules joe gets home at 6 30 for dinner and she's like he's gone from 6 30 to 6 30 when do you guys hang out and then she reads that she has to do all the chores and tidy up the house and she's like uh yeah i don't know i don't know about this so michelle is supposed to spend michelle wants melissa to spend more time with her family and melissa just wants someone to clean her house that's basically all melissa asked for she's like please clean yeah so melissa's like well i mean the overall rules are that like there's no rules i mean there's a rule that they have to eat vegan so they can't even eat any of my sprinkles like oh what a shame you know when they found out that melissa was coming to the house with the sprinkle cookies they're like uh we're vegan yeah we're on a juice cleanse actually so uh we can't have your cookies sorry yeah although it would have been nice to see somebody all these years later just throw the sprinkle cookies in the trash you know i would have loved a nice moment also what would have been smart would be if melissa said well don't worry i actually have some vegan sprinkle cookies america but instead it was like oh well no cookies well she did later yeah she did she did later they didn't look very appetizing but she got that later so now um i must have missed they the parents meet the kids and um she loves michelle's kids they're really cute kids and so they ask the kids what they think of her and one of the kids is like she's very nice.

24:06She's beautiful. And the girl's like, nail polish, lip gloss, eyebrows. She's very well put together and everything is in place. Very different from like...

24:25Michelle's married to a toddler.

24:31He's like, yeah, she's put together very different from us. So the Gorgias has come home and um the dog has just peed all over the floor and michelle's like why is that dog peeing he's got on a diaper who put the diaper on the dog michelle's michelle's response to everything is so fucking funny she's like what the fuck kind of diaper is this hey wifey what's your name she's like michelle hey well this is gino he's like hi gino wait you're the oldest right he's like i don't know and this is joey hi baby joey's like i don't know okay well both of you not a lot of lights going on in these houses huh so then we see where melissa is gonna sleep and she's like oh beautiful wow do you have any matches that i could just light this bed on fire because it's disgusting so you have a lot of books do you guys read books a lot and he's like well we don't he's like i don't read to them as often as i should you know because we get in too late and yeah we do everything together and she's like so you start your day together so you're saying you guys are a team basically yeah i've never had a man help with a child in my life he's never changed my child's diaper and he is which is crazy yeah that's wild and what's crazy is i've heard i've heard that that's like not uncommon which i'm sorry the guys have got to help on that front I will just say that if like both of every, everyone has to get the shit on and the pee on their fingers and their face.

26:01I'm sorry. It cannot be just the moms. Why would you be with somebody who refuses to help with a diaper? That's that's idiot. Like, I can't believe this. This is crazy. And to hear that that's commonplace. Oh, hell no. Yeah. No, no. So Michelle's asking Joe, if he ever cooked, he's like, no. And she's like, do you don't, you don't cook her a nice meal ever. He's like, Hey, I work a lot. Okay. I got to go to, you know, the construction site. I got to go to the strip club. I got to then go like, go hang out with my bros, play some golf, you know, like touch each other's asses, things like that. You know, I don't have time to go for a nice meal.

26:35You know, that's what it is. She's like, well, I'm vegan. And he's like, vegan? What's that? She's like, yeah. But, you know, I am going to follow her rules. So I will make pasta your style. Okay. And he's like, yeah, this house is great. Right. She's psycho. She's like, she's like OCD. She's like nuts. she's like fucking crazy this woman all right so then she's like yeah well melissa's gonna trip out of my house so melissa's looking at around the kitchen and she has to like cook something vegan and melissa's like oh my god i don't know what to do oh man so then they're she's like trying to figure out all the vegan food and she's like this is crazy and but it's french fries which is hilarious and she wants to eat the fries but she can't because she has to juice cleanse for a day so she sneaks fries and stuff and then Sean's like yeah we're on the last day of the cleanse so that's what you gotta do and she's like but I'm hungry oh my god I'm so hungry so then over at the up are we to believe that Melissa Gorga has never done a juice cleanse I mean I think if you're a real housewife I feel like every real housewife has done a juice cleanse at some point Melissa Gorga is no stranger to starvation no housewife is a stranger to starvation i don't think any modern human being is a stranger to starvation like i can't we've all done it at some point okay come on now currently doing it as we speak so uh militia michelle michelle is has to make sunday sauce and she's like she's like sunday sauce is that a thing antonia antonia is like horrified this entire episode she's the only one who doesn't seem to realize that this is all just some silly, you know, contrived thing for Bravo.

28:19She's like in a nightmare. She's like, she doesn't even know what Sunday sauce is. Oh my God. She's like calling up Gia. She's like, listen, I know our moms are in a beef, but you got to help me out. I'm stuck with the woman doesn't know about Sunday sauce. I'd be right there. Gino's just got spit dripping down his face. He's like, uh, so then Michelle is saying she hasn't touched animal eggs since the 80s but she's mixing them in with the beef to make them some sunday sauce and uh they eat it and the boys are like yeah it's good it's i'll eat it i'll eat you to eat a fucking tire iron i was about to say they're like gnawing on a shoebox right now it's pretty good like you're not even eating the sauce yeah so they she passes and then um michelle's like who's supposed to clean all this up and they're like you it's like i have to clean this up like yeah you got to do all of it so she's like okay so i guess i'll do this so now um um over michelle's house don't clean up after dinner and melissa's like i'm like in a different world right now like we're just gonna like go to bed and leave all that in the sink right now like none of that even goes none of what goes on in this house goes on in my house at all so michelle's asking why they don't clean together and antonia's like she's just so quick with it like we put our dishes in the sink and she cleans it really quick and then we leave and that's it and she's like oh so you're saying i'm too long i'm taking too long she's like yeah yeah yeah you're taking too long you're the slowest cleaner i've ever seen what kind of woman are you huh so it's nine o 'clock and um all of michelle's kids are bouncing around and having like a fun time in the living room and melissa's like so So I'm having like so much fun with the little kids right now because like I miss my kids being this age.

30:07But like I'm also like they got to go to bed so that way I can have some time for them to be asleep and me doing nothing. Because that's what I do best. So then it's four hours until the rules change. So Sean thinks that Melissa is very OCD and he wants to see what fun looks like. So fun is not doing dishes. So now they're going to go do some double dutch, guys, because this family double dutches. So they go to the park and they double dutch and she can kind of do it. And the kid's like, yeah, she did okay. But that was like the easiest thing ever. And Melissa's saying, you know, I appreciate what an amazing hands-on dad, you know, Sean is, but like he never gets a break.

30:48And that's going to change along with the dirty, disgusting dishes in that sink. So Melissa's rule is be the boss. Michelle goes out to be to envy and to go to try on clothing at the boutique. And then she can take pictures for social media. And she's also going to get like some glam on. Yeah. So Michelle goes in there and everyone's kissing her. Oh, my God. Hey, honey. Oh, my God. You look fabulous today. That's amazing. So she tries on a lot of clothes, which I have to say. Are very Melissa. Very Melissa boutique. I don't think anybody's watching this like, wow, what a glamorous life. I was like, wow, they can do rayon in so many different ways.

31:36That is incredible. So Michelle's like, yeah, you know, you know, in her life, you get to focus on just yourself. And I guess there's beauty in that. But it's a little lonely. I mean, the people who do come in and are nice to you are all on Melissa's payroll. it's like well that was a read so then yeah now it's time for the rules change so michelle is first thing she does is wipe off the makeup which is funny because last week we really went in on that woman for taking like putting back her top pony after like sean made her hair nice she's like oh back to me and she put her stupid little like her not pony her top knot of it back into her hair i was so mad at her but this time i was like oh yeah take that make off i was like totally in supportive michelle taking off the makeup which i didn't even think the makeup was like that crazy but i don't know i think there's a difference between having a glam team coming in where like the the glam team was like here is a here's a piece of melissa's loneliness like this makeup represents the loneliness of melissa's existence where she does nothing in her day except put makeup on get get glam done and then go to the store and take pictures whereas the other one was like a nice gesture from sean the husband so i think in this case i was like okay with one other lady seemed like a judgmental asshole and this lady doesn't and also yeah i think like you said sean made an effort towards that lady to not do her overly angie like like he did a he made an effort to make her hair like how she already had her hair just pretty like he just did whatever you know he wasn't trying to make her anyone else he was like making her the best of what she's got which i thought was kind of a sweet gesture like he could have teased up her hair and made her look crazy but he made an effort to make her feel comfortable in her own skin whereas i think this guy was like okay i gotta do a glam scene and he just shoved a bunch of makeup on her face yeah i think if like joe gorga had done her glam which was a hilarious concept then it would have been like oh that's like a little that's like a little mean he just did your glam for you but like it's just some just some old queen coming in to do the do the makeup because he's on the payroll i'm like not as fussed about that so now michelle's rule is nobody is leaving me okay they're gonna be together 24 7 and she's like but what do i gotta do i got a conference call all right who's gonna press go on the zoom and then go there he is who's gonna catch me jerking off below the zoom if i'm not on a zoom in the first place right um so she's like nope we are making a raw vegan dinner together okay and you can change your faces because you're going to like it.

34:12And Gina's like, this is just my face though. I can't change it. I think that's just their face. So then Melissa's like, okay, well, guys, I do believe in bedtime. So we are having bedtime tonight because your mother needs a little help with organization and I just happen to be like the queen of organizing. But in order to do that, I have some very important things that I want to shop for. So I'm going to take these three little ones shopping today. I'm like oh my god shopping yes so she tells the husband he has to take a nap and he's like oh okay so her idea is to get them a dining room table so she called a local friend in the area to help her figure it out and her local friend is Phaedra Parks by the way Phaedra Parks would have been great for this show it should have been Phaedra I would have loved to see someone step into Phaedra's life and raising those kids and being like wow You have an actual rocket ship that goes to space built for your child whose name is Mr.

35:15President. Okay. It'll be like, welcome to my house. In the mornings, I like to make breakfast for Mr. President and for Aiden. And then around noontime, please go to the bank and get out$50 ,000 of cash and bring it to the courthouse. It's like, whoa.

35:36So she's going to get a dining room table. Okay, so Phaedra's there waiting, and she's like, I've known Melissa for over a decade. She runs a tight ship. And when I saw her with three children in tow, give me a Xanax. You're in the dirty South. Please don't say that. I'm really struggling with the way. I am truly in the dirty South right now. Oh, it's just an expression, but I see you're going through something much more difficult. She's like, yeah, well, they're vegan kids. She's like, oh, Jesus. I can't get enough money in life. Um, so Melissa updates her on what's going on at the house. And she's like, he cooks, he cleans, he spends every minute with them, but he needs a break.

36:18And so, uh, Melissa's meanwhile, yeah, sorry. We're still with Melissa. She's like, yeah, but it's so important to eat dinner together. That's the only time I see my kids. So we're going to have them have family time. So then meanwhile, I'm a station like around the dinner table at the Gorka household. So Joey jr. How was, how was football today? oh good okay gino how about you i don't know okay what about you joe how's the construction site baby yes wow how am i feeling lonelier than when i was sitting in the makeup chair getting blush put on my face oh god i'm so happy truly so then we go to back to michelle and she is making a raw meal for them nutritional yeast is how we make vegan cheese and vegan cheese sauce and uh joey's like i literally thought cheese was vegan she's like how are you serious and goes joe's like joey forget it joey just stop stop it all right all right and he says but come on what animal when you cut it open got cheese in it and then he goes where do you get your milk from i'm like antonio let's you're asking questions i don't know he can really answer right now it's like a cow okay well i'll just let you figure that one out yourself and then he just stares off into space with jewel coming down his face like oh he does not really connect the dots there either he's still like but like if i get my milk from a cow why would there be cheese in the cow too it's not vegan yeah dummy so um michelle is doing corn coconut milk she's doing all this stuff but it's basically a plate of kale that's what comes out is a plate of kale and uh the kids just look at it like are you fucking kidding me you know it's like i love my steak all right i love my steak so back at the other house uh melissa's like okay well i'm ready to eat pasta and the kids are like i don't like pasta okay you know what call social services have you ever heard a child say that me i was a kid i didn't like pasta when i was a kid but you know like you just sort of make these claims of what you don't like when you're a kid and you just you just lean into it i was for a moment there i was i was scared because i was like is melissa gonna like force non-vegan food on these kids like that seems a bit crazy to be like well i'm in town now you have to eat meat but she in fact did make a vegan meal she made a vegan red sauce for them with pasta and the kids were very happy yeah so they loved it so they sit down and they have dinner together and they're like oh my god this is amazing and all the kids love the food and the little girl's like huh yeah no you say it no go ahead she's like i didn't know onion and garlic made it better i was like have you not been cooking with onion and garlic all this time that's vegan onion and garlic is vegan and so is pasta i'm so confused so then melissa puts the kids to bed and um then we go back to joe and uh they try their food and joe's like oh god i mean it's got a kick to it i mean it's all right but is this my meal like i can't even believe this was prepared by someone with boobs this is how women cook where you come from oh my god they're so unhappy with it like antonio's like i just this is bad i feel oh i don't oh i don't like this at all so then um they're gonna like they're just gonna i guess like not do the dishes tonight this could be their big thing is that don't do the dishes and they're like what antonia doesn't even really know what to do with herself she's like she's just freaking out and she was like look at antonia she can't even move and antonia's like um i think i i have to do this i think i have to do this i think i've become the mother now that's what i have to do i'm a woman i have to do dishes she's like really concerned programming broken programming broken so she misses her mom she's like and i don't want to eat this lady's food anymore and gina goes it's bad commercials here comes one right now

40:35so now they're gonna go outside a new double dutch i'm like really sick of the double dutch already, so they do it. So the other town gets a special gift of Phaedra, and we get the special gift of the fucking sisters. Hey, two non-smoking. Two non-smoking, alright? What is that? Kitchen's a mess in there. Melissa's gonna be furious. Okay, look, I wore some diamond necklaces to go double-touching. That's what we do in this family. Oh my god, all the sisters. I know, that really is a big trade-off. Michelle definitely got the raw end of that stick. Yeah. And so they do some double jumping. And then Melissa is just loving that little kids need her.

41:16She puts the kids to bed and they all need hugs and stuff. And she's like, I loved when my kids needed me, depended on me. Like, I miss that so much. Your kids do need you. Can two of them even read? So I know, honestly. So Michelle then is saying how she's just having a blast of family, but she feels the need to clean up because she's like, it's so clean in here that I want to actually keep it clean. So she actually goes in the kitchen late at night and cleans. Oh, everybody's learning, guys. But then they have Joe Gorga on like the Blair Witch cam. And he's like, hey, there he is. It's 1 a.m.

41:51I had vegan food tonight. I think I'm turning gay. I don't know what's happening now. I just woke up in the middle of the night thinking there was a cock in my ass. But it was just, it was just, you know, it was that kale or whatever. It's in my stomach. It's making a noise. They're playing this noise.

42:12He literally is acting like there's an axe murderer downstairs that they just hide in front. I got bigger food in me. I don't know what to do. So the next morning, Melissa is like, today's organization day. Oh, and they're like, oh, God, please. No. So she's like, OK, let's wipe down the table. And they're like, what? Wipe it down. Let's get crumbs off of it and stuff. stuff so then in the other family they're making juice which is going to be crazy so they do make some juice and antonia acts like she's never tasted apple juice in her life just crazy yeah i know right and then melissa's like there's more cleaning and sean uh the husband and that's melissa's i mean michelle's husband is saying you know melissa showed us how organized we can actually be when michelle walks through the door she's going to love it i know and she's going to want to keep it that way i'm like it's not gonna stay that way i'm just telling you that right now it will not because she puts shoe racks in and then she gets like a book organizer and stuff and she's like okay i'm done here okay so meanwhile joe has got to go to work so this is the big construction site scene and michelle's like i'm coming because we do everything together get in the car antonia and she's like joe is so old school you know men do the work women do the nails.

43:29He understand. So I'm going to prove to him that that's not how that works. I can lift too. So now we're going to go to his job site and he's going to do the work and I'm going to kind of stand around and be kind of funny and then try to get all the construction workers to do double dodge. And then they're going to get annoyed and then someone's not going to pay attention and they're going to lose their hand in some sort of saw, but it'll be worth it. So they drive up. Yeah, they drive up to the site and Joe purposely parks in a giant puddle of water and both of them are like, no, hell no, you better move back so we can get out of this car he's like no you're supposed to see what it's like at the construction site women get covered in mud here that's how it goes and they're like no no sir move your car back so he does and then they get out and he's he's trying to find a pipe in the ground so he's like okay you gotta dig here until you can find the pipe so she's like give me the shovel so she's doing that and he's like antonio what are you doing and she's like taking selfies in the i like that she's like taking selfies in the tractor or whatever yeah it's like but i can't find the pipe i know how to lay pipe i can't always find out i have to figure out how to find the pipe hey there he is catch me on tour with the there he is tour 2025 hey out of these two pipes we're working on today only one is filled with poison that needs to get out am i right guess which one back in georgia see this is a whole thing and i completely blocked it out of my brain melissa found vegan sprinkle cookies but here's the thing.

44:51She, oh no, they're making vegan sprinkle cookies. She's saying she found vegan sprinkles. They're going to make vegan sprinkle cookies. I'm just saying she should have a vegan option in her line. So she's like, hey guys, did you enjoy hanging out with me this week? They're like, yeah. Did you have fun? Yeah. That was cool that you got us a folding table. So much fun. Yeah. Oh, you guys are so sweet. You guys are making me cry. I'm going to cry. And then she starts crying in the kitchen. I'm a mush. I'm such a mush. I can't believe I'm leaving this family. I gave them a shoe rocking a table i'm never gonna forget this kids and then it was really cute though because the kids are sobbing they're like she shows she shows the kids the pillow with joe's face on it and the kids hug the pillow like okay the kids are quicksand but they're cute quicksand quicksand doesn't come any cuter than these children they are cute so sean's like i learned that i need naps so i'm gonna start taking naps so when michelle comes home i think i'll be doing more naps thank you melissa wow what a touching episode now she has less support to do all the cleaning that she now has to do yeah so then joe's like oh my god i haven't cleaned up my room's a mess my bed's a mess my you know your mom's gonna be pissed and they really played it up because there's like clothes hanging off the entry table they have like a polo shirt and like the foyer on like the console like this is okay i understand the place is not as clean as normal but like there's no reason for a polo shirt just to be like hanging out in the foyer this you all just tip off your clothes by the front door come on there's like a gremlin swinging from the fan so melissa's like oh my god there are clothes everywhere i'm like this does not make any sense so so she comes in and she uh her and michelle talk and michelle's like oh well you know this isn't dirty we just lived a little okay and you were in my space and you know what living is like now and she goes oh yes nice to meet you i hope you had a nice day so then they have i actually like their conversation that they had because it felt like it was real and they do kind of like choke up and i felt like they really were connecting as like moms and and don't you love how i'm like giving a constant like update on like this is the part that i liked and this is how you feel about the show i know like this part i believed guys i'm pauline kale and this is what I think about White Swamp.

47:14So Melissa's like, first of all, I'm obsessed with your kids. They're like the most polite children and the sweetest, kindest, all three of them, four, if you want to count your husband. She goes, thank you. Well, we're together a lot. So thank you. Thank you so much. She's like, yeah, I heard. But Sean needs like a little bit more time as well. You know, like maybe you should have more naps. Wouldn't you like that? That way you have more things on your plate. So Michelle's like, well, one thing we do have in common is we do love our our husbands. I mean, your husband does try to get sperm all over me more than mine does, but still.

47:48And when everybody laughs, you know, and Joe went to work, I just felt so, Melissa goes, alone? She goes, yeah, like it was lonely. Like that's a lot of hours in the day without your family. And she goes, yeah, we do spend a lot of time apart. She goes, yeah, it's too much. And she says, well, I mean, listen, he's got to go to work, you know, like I can't just go sit in an excavator. I've got to make sprinkle cookies. Like, how am I going to do that? Like, we need alone time. Michelle's like, okay, I'll let her believe this. Okay. She's like, yeah, I mean, I've got, he goes to work. I got to go to work.

48:19I got to put on clothes. I got to put on, I got to do sprinkle cookies. Michelle's like, okay, yes, your work. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Melissa doesn't make those sprinkle cookies, does she? She doesn't. No, but like you can see Michelle's like, uh-huh. Okay. Well, I know you're not really working, but that's okay. That's okay. yeah i've been to your pretend jobs ma 'am okay so she's like yeah you know michelle says yeah but i felt lonely and uh it's too too much too much time for me to spend apart and melissa's like okay well you think we spend too much time apart and you guys spend too much time together so let's just both take 10 to start and michelle's like okay and agreed agreed also your sisters are awful.

49:00So I murdered them both. I hope that's okay. No one should have to live like that. Oh my God, we figured it out. So Michelle is saying, you know, my children are watching me and cleaning up and being tidy and being organized. It's just not for me. It's setting an example. And yes, I'm obsessed with my husband, but he also needs that time for him. I want to give that to him. So that's what I'm going to do. And they basically learn lessons from each other. And then we see the epilogue is that Michelle and Sean have alone time, but only twice a week. And now they eat dinner at a table, which I am actually glad about.

49:37I am, you know, I hate eating dinner off of a coffee table. So I think Melissa did a good job getting them a nice little table. Yeah, Melissa is learning to chill, but her house is still spotless. And she's going to spend more quality time with her kids, but she still refuses to go to a construction site. So she didn't change. She learned nothing. Well, the other people also still don't do their dishes, but at least they have a table. So there's something going on there. And now they know Phaedra. Yeah. So that was pretty cute. So that was Wife Swap, everybody. Bracing ourselves for the Emily Simpson episode next week.

50:12We'll see how that one turns out. Thanks, everyone. They were really smart to give her a pig. I'll tell you that. I'm going to watch it because I want to see that pig. Well, I thought she'd be it. didn't Emily have stories about like being raised in farm country in Ohio? I felt like that pig would be something she would be happy to see. Be like, oh my God, it's my childhood. Cause this pig was more of a mother to me than my own mother. Why isn't this pig calling me back?

50:40This pig is a liar. I'm getting the polygraph. All right, everybody. Thanks for joining us. We will be back tomorrow with a little Real Housewives of Orange County action, shall we? When everything changes. Don, don, don. The big everything changes episode of Orange County. Everything changes. Like Kathy Tricoli. Everything changes. Bye, everyone. See you on the next episode. Bye. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto.

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