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Watch What Crappens

4 Dec 2025 · 1h 8m

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#3101 Southern Charm S11E03 Part 1: Lost Boy Lit

In short

In this episode of the podcast, hosts Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam dive into the latest developments of Southern Charm Season 11, Episode 3, while incorporating their signature humor and commentary. The episode features a literature-themed party that sparks drama, jealousy, and romantic entanglements among the cast, particularly focusing on characters Craig, Austen, and the new addition, Charlie.

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0:21Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What's Crappens. I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi. How are you? Happy birthday, my little Ben to Mooney. Thank you so much. Ben has just turned 32 today. Happy birthday, Ben. It's official. I'm in my 30s. Thanks, Ronnie. Thank you so much. What are you doing today special for your day? Well, first of all, I'm basking in all the love that people are giving me. on all platforms and mediums. I appreciate it. All the loves and all the love and the loves. Um, I already did my first big check Mark, which is of course it's today is bagel Thursday.

1:05So I took myself to my favorite bagel shop in Los Angeles, which was Hank's over in Toluca Lake. I went into the Valley for my bagel this morning. Um, and so, I mean, we've got some things going for us over there. Yeah. Hank's. Yeah. Hank's and bagel boss. They are neck and neck. Home goods. Home goods. I mean, there's a lot of great stuff in the Valley, including you, Ronnie, although you're in Texas. You're in a different valley right now. So I did that. I'm going to podcast with you for a few hours. I'm in the valley of the damned. And then tonight I'm going to go see Allison Roman doing her book tour for her new cookbook.

1:39So it's kind of like a very Ben day. It's also National Cookie Day. I did not know that this fell on my birthday. How did I get to all 32 years of my life without knowing that today was National Cookie Day? So I'm very excited about that. I will source a cookie later today. So, yeah, clearly a very exciting day. Actually, I'm saying it's kind of like a perfect Ben day. I'm not going to lie. Between Bagels and Allison Roman and you, it's great. The only thing that's missing is Dom. Dom's in Chicago teaching. So, but you know, that's okay. Oh, boo. Well, cheat. Today is the day you cheat. You don't get your birthday.

2:14You can't get in trouble. Today is the day you bang someone at the Allison Roman show. I know. And I, you know, I had a great time last night. I went to the Spotify wrapped party here in Hollywood with Courtney from two judgy girls we love and Diallo from from one song. So go check out their podcast there. I did have a Bravo Liberty encounter, but I'm going to talk about that on our Beverly Hills recap. Not going to talk about. Oh, God, I got to wait all the way till it's a teaser. Everyone, I've actually I've actually already actively overhyped it, but it wouldn't be a birthday for me without overhyping something.

2:50right but yeah anyway the point is it's been a fun 12 hours oh good baby glad you're having fun glad you were born thanks carolyn yeah popping them out larry takes two you know yeah well she did the work she did not really she really did the work she did the work no yeah thank you too larry for whatever you did so um everyone welcome to the show i want to thank you ronnie because you put up a very funny and lovely mess thing on on social media where you where you put me in an ina garden outfit and i'm i assume well you know that's some caitlin did that well either way the spirit of you i just laughed oh oh i thought you totally did that um but that was like that was the greatest honor of all was to be seen in the queen ina gardens you know bob and blue shirts A little barefoot Ben Tessa.

3:43Yes. So the best thing you can do for Ben for his birthday, go follow him on Instagram, everybody. You know it. And get some substack going on. Go to the LinkedIn bio and get to his substack. Yes. Stats are the best gift a girl could ask for. So last week was Thanksgiving. So we missed Southern Charm. Yes. We missed. And so much happened. Did you watch it? Of course. Of course I watched it. I'm actually so glad that we skipped it because if we had to recap that chaotic beach scene, that would have driven us both crazy. Because there was all the characters were on the beach throwing around a football.

4:22Everything was crossing back and forth. It was so much. We would have been a nightmare. So I'm really actually so glad we did not have to do that. But I think for me the biggest thing was that we met the new cast member Charlie, who is our latest twit on the Twit Express. and um you know talk about a birthday gift is to have a new vapid idiot on bravo i'm so excited i'm i'm ready for it how dare you she's a debutante you're right she's how dare you she was so bratty last week do you think she was really bratty why do you think she was bratty what's she doing well okay i i i'm coming in really hot for her i actually am not even that impassioned about her it's like wow what charlie do i don't know i mean i'd look at charlie kind of is like a coaster she's just somewhere you set your drink for a couple of seasons like most of the people that they bring on this show most of the ladies that they bring on this show because the ladies are just the bait you know the show is about the the old singing bass on the wall which are the men and the lady are just the ladies are just the bait they use them up they abuse them and then they leave them and then we get a new crop of dummies although it is starting to look like a leonardo dicaprio you know story in the tabloids i mean they're just getting younger and younger and those boys are not austin said last night yeah i'm 34 i was like 34 and i thought or whatever i think he said he was 34 or 36 something like that and i was like in what world do they just not sell moisturizer over there okay so go ahead no i actually don't hate her as charlie I don't hear her as much as it sounds like I do.

5:57I really just came in hot because I'm just, you know, I'm fueled on a bagel and a coffee, guys. Bagel meets coffee. I just feel like last week. We're just friends. She just, like, had all these. The camera kept on catching her. She'd be, like, around the boys. She'd be, like, smiling. And then, like, around the girls, the camera would catch her just, like, sneering. Like, I was like, oh, gosh. This one, you know. I think it's just that she has a praying mantis face, kind of. In a good way. Like in a pretty way. She's very pretty, but she's got, there's something like praying mantis about her. And I'm hoping that it goes into her personality.

6:35Like I'm hoping she's more of a predator than we're seeing so far. I did notice around us, the audience, she talks like this. She's got kind of like, hi, I'm Charlie. I'm like a debutante. And I'm like, I'm really into being Charlie. I love being me. And then when she's around the board, it's like, oh my God, hi. Like, so good to meet you. I noticed that. But otherwise, I mean, she's very gorgeous. You know, she's a gorgeous girl. I don't really know much about her. I'm automatically not disliking her. I'm just protective of her because she's on Southern Charm. So I just want to show up there in my auntie van and just have it idling down the corner so that they could jump in.

7:17I mean, Shep's neck looks like turkey skin. And I did just see a turkey get cooked last week. So I think that's why I'm thinking. But I just want them to be protected. You know? Because these men are the worst. Including Craig. You've got Craig off the wagon now. So I don't know that Craig was ever on the wagon. Let's be honest. But at least he was pretending to need to be on a wagon. I guess whatever his storyline was last year. When he's like, I'm an alcoholic. While he was drunk. You can't talk to me like that. I'm an alcoholic. And then I think drank the whole season. Anyway. He definitely grabbed onto two ropes hanging off the back of the wagon and put some rollerblades on and let the wagon tow him for a little bit.

7:57So he's like, I'm on the wagon, dude. But it's like, I don't know. You're moving along with the wagon and you're attached to it. But I don't know if you're actually on it. And listen, I'm not a huge wagon seller. I believe that people should be able to be off the wagon if they want to. I don't feel like there's any real guilt there. I mean, if you're ruining your life and stuff, you have your own self-guilt and you don't need mine. but i'm not like a huge like get on the wagon everybody come i've got a sale a wagon sale going on i'm not like that but my i do have a pet peeve with people who performatively talk about wagons or um or use it to get out of there yeah or to win a fight yes which is what he was doing like using it to um yeah gain some sympathy and stuff like that when you're not even putting in the work because it's hard work so i would only say i only support using being on the wagon to get out of a fight if you do it in a very melodramatic campy way like how dare you say that i'm on the wagon you know but if you're doing it the way craig was doing it it's not campy it's just like oh you're just lying again um also how drunk was that person who fell off the wagon the first time because you know like it had to have come from i'm assuming the expression came from some situation where people were on a wagon together and then someone was so drunk that they fell off of it and like oh look drunk again fell off the wagon they were so there goes marge falling off the wagon on the oregon trail it happened yeah like this something significant happened um but i have to say so they're setting up i what we missed last week is that we're we're setting up some sort of like it's not a love triangle it's not a love rhombus it's just sort of like a love you know amoeba where essentially the whole thing is that sally now likes craig but then she also likes austin and the thing is austin is with aubrey and so she sort of wants all the guys but she really likes craig even though it's a violation of girl code with vanita and so then she went and told new girl charlie but now charlie seems like she likes craig and craig seems like charlie and sally's left out so there's this whole thing and it all came to a head when um when craig wanted to spend more time frolicking in the waves with charlie and then there was a football incident where it turns out that um sally is really good at throwing a football better than i can i'll tell you that much and uh but aubrey you know why right why because she's not just one of the girls okay she's like one of the guys uh but aubrey can't throw a football very well which is like kind of like damning evidence the world of southern charm that Austin and Sally should be together and that he secretly loves Sally because she's better at throwing a football.

10:40Yeah, it was pretty mature, the whole storyline, you know, basing your conquests on how well they throw a football. But Austin, we found out, can't serve for anything either. So he kind of sucks at all that stuff too. So does he kind of belong with Charlie? Going by this logic. Well, also, we had like our first scene of Aubrey being cast in the Jamie Girtz role because in the past, like, because you know I always say I'm the Jamie Girtz where I'm like the city girl in Twister who is like uncomfortable with everything but is trying to like, is trying to get along to get along and then gets left for Helen Hunt or something.

11:21So I think that like she is, last season Aubrey was just like the nice girl from Charlotte who came around who were like, oh no, run. But this year she's like angry. She's like, meh, I'm angry. Well, that's how they're. I don't think she's angry. And if she is, it's justified. But they're casting her as like this sullen sourpuss who comes down to Charleston and is unhappy about it. And so she's definitely like in this Jamie Gertz, like outsider role that Austin's going to leave for Charlie. Yeah, they're kind of trying to get people to ruin to root against Aubrey because she doesn't like traffic, which is really weird.

11:57Like they had that whole like, well, Austin, the traffic really sucks. like it sucks being in traffic and i really hate traffic and na na na na traffic traffic traffic and then they just cut it all together as this one long poor austin has to listen to this girl talk about traffic yes because he never goes to see her she always has to come see him because he does not give a shit about this girl this girl is reputation defense okay we all know it austin had a rough season that olivia season so we got he did the best thing he could he got some girl who was out of town so he could cheat on her all the time do whatever the fuck he wanted and have nobody to call him on it and then he could just have you know the convenient every one weekend every month kind of a relationship where she comes to see him everybody knows it and this poor girl is the only person that does not know it it's so sad girl if you're if you're the one if it's 90 percent of the time you're coming down to south carolina or i should yeah to charleston if you're doing that 90 % of the time for a guy who's going to go on TV and be like, I don't know.

12:58Is she the one? I don't know. I don't know. He doesn't even know if he really likes you and he's saying that on TV and you're still making that drive? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I'm team Aubrey. He's like, I love when she's here, but I love when she's gone. That's not good. Also, the fact that people are fighting over the men on this show will never stop making me laugh. It just cracks me up. You've got people actually poised to fight over austin who's just like come on now i just don't i just don't buy it this show is so unrealistic but we do have a new guy but yeah so we have a new oh we met the new guy whitner whitner just take the wit just take the white guy he's a white guy just keep the the wit and the e that's pretty much what we're getting from him he's um he's pretty cute i guess i think he actually is really cute i actually really like him so far which means he'll wind up being terrible that's the way it goes i'm always bamboozled um whitner what a name whitner it's like he's like it's like someone wanted to name him whitney and then found out there already was a whitney on the cast so they sort of like had a doubt at the end it's like we're gonna name a whitney or no i think they wanted to just take out the n i think he was born without the n in his name and his name was just wider his family was just you know what we've got the best son He's whiter than your son.

14:23And someone was like, that's offensive. Like some nurse added in an N on the birth certificate. Yeah, they're like, let's just fix this, okay? Yeah. He's cute. His mustache needs either grooming or shaving. I would like to see him without the mustache because I think he would be cuter. We do see him without the mustache. I think in some shots coming up this season. I think it was in the trailer. I like him with the mustache. I think he's got a – and he's a lawyer. he's an actual lawyer not a Craig lawyer which I feel like is I feel like that's notable you know on a show of people who don't do anything he actually has an advanced degree and a job so that means he's only going to be a one season wonder let's also not forget he actually reports and has obligations and responsibilities so yeah he's not going to last long here maybe but this show likes to keep duds I mean this show will give a done a chance that's true i think so you never know so last week the plot was introducing new people and reminding us that this show is like about like love and dating um and basically this is the whorehouse of bravo they basically hire girls to bang the guys it's always been this way since the very beginning when they were passing around katherine like a thanksgiving you know turkey turkey leg or whatever and um it continues to this day and so we meet the new crop of dum-dums and we already knew sally sally is you were wondering if it's like a love rhombus or whatever it's a love petri dish with sally because sally just wants everybody she doesn't care she's just like i'm gonna get in the goo with everybody whatever sticks and listen as my meemaw said a friend to everybody is a friend to no one in this case a girlfriend to everybody is a girlfriend to no one.

16:09Yeah. Listen, they all want, they all want you, they want to fuck everybody, but they want you to only want to fuck them. You should know that about guys by now, you know? Yeah. Uh, Sally's like, uh, you know, I really liked Sally last season, but for this season, I'm not, I'm not loving her. I have to say, I'm not, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's, maybe it's because she's getting, maybe it's her edit and I'm just falling for the edit, but it's just like, um, I feel like some of the magic is gone with Sally this season. Whatever magic there was. I think Sally has auditioned very, very hard to get on this show.

16:41You know, we saw her on Southern Hospitality, you know, hooking up with two of those guys at the same time trying to get on that show. That ended up backfiring and she was no longer welcome on that show. And then she somehow made it onto this show and she's kind of playing the same game on this show. And I mean, learn your lesson, you know, and that's more of a it's not like a slut shaming thing. I think we should fuck everybody that we want, you know. But it's more of like a learn how to play your game kind of a thing because that's not how these guys are. That's not how you're going to stay on the show.

17:12It's like she went from being like a sexual self-possessed person to being a little bit more of a pick me this season. And I'm like, hmm. Also, I will say I am enjoying I continue to enjoy the strange, like almost unnecessary presence of Molly. Like she just is like they're doing weird things, you know, like she's a little bit in the story. this this episode because she was annoyed at molly and told i think what we'll get to in the notes because i just i can't remember from last night but she like was molly was shit talking sally molly was molly was shit talking sally to someone i think to vanita and so now there's like a little bit of tension but molly just sort of like shows up and has a snake plays a tuba dresses like a wizard it's just like she doesn't really make any sense but i actually am like i actually need that like i need that for this show i need someone who is just sort of like like existing in the same space of the show but nick makes no sense within it i'm like please just more molly yeah it bothered me that molly skipped her recital to hang out with that loser cory keifer cory queifer what a lose what a trash bag so i didn't love that but she redeemed herself she redeemed herself today for sure i didn't love that she skipped her recital either but i did love that then she went in a downward spiral and cried about it at the party that's where she was actually skipping that was funny and i had to call and like beg for her um spot in the orchestra back and i'm glad that she moved on from cory she was like he doesn't even know what a euphonium is uh yeah cory did something last week i don't know it was the typical cory but he was definitely his tongue was out he was very yeah yeah what girl you're gonna talk to uh yeah he's still gross so i think that was pretty much last week they had a party and now we're now i guess vanita and rodrigo are the decorators has that always been the case or is that a new thing i always i feel like that's a new thing i always thought rodrigo did like um something more corporate i i never really remember what rodrigo did but like they they i mean vanita's always been a lifestyle influencer or whatever but but rodrigo says he's a professional interior designer but i don't know if he was just being facetious he was just making a joke or if he um that is his chosen occupation one of the many mysteries of this show So many layers that happen on Southern Charm.

19:47Yeah, there are so many layers. So it seemed that that was pretty much all that happened last week. I don't know. Here's my face last week while I watch the show. For those who do not have graphics on demand, scrunch. It was pinched. I betrayed all my Botox, which, by the way, is still not working. Look what I can still do. This is fresh Botox. So, yeah, it was okay. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

20:20So then this week we start off with this week is 1103. It's called a novel approach. Beach party house. So this is the day after the beach party and there it's a it's a shit. It's a shit style. I mean, there's there's stuff everywhere. empty jello shots um stuff all over the house and sally's like oh my god this house is disgusting what the frick and then we see flashbacks 127 a.m someone's putting whipped cream into sally's mouth 153 a.m whitney the fireman carries craig whitney fireman carries meaning like he puts craig over his shoulder and carries craig somewhere which is very is that whitner or whitney must Wintner because I can't imagine Whitney ever lifting anything.

21:07Yeah, Whitney's not lifting something. Whitney is not picking up Craig. Like Patricia might. I'm too rich for this. I'm too rich. I don't carry poor people. So then two in the morning, Molly and Rodrigo are playing flip cup and everyone's cheering. It's all fun. And Sally goes, Ew, what is that? Because she sees some half-eaten food on a plate. And then it's 2.38 and Vanita falls down the stairs because vanita like vanita just can't go very far without falling down something or falling into something because vanita just cannot win this show no okay she just can't win nothing she does vanita is just never gonna win this show um you know people air not air air humping and dancing doing keg stands so sally has to clean and now it's austin's house and his alarm goes off and he's in bed with audrey and is that calling her i think i'm sorry everyone You're right.

22:03It's Audrey. Yeah, it's Audrey. I called her Aubrey like 10 million times just now. Little Shop of Horrors. Just think of it that way. Except, I don't know, it's kind of a boring... Never mind. Don't think of it that way. I know. We are Team Audrey, but we're not that much of a Team Audrey. Mr. Mushnik. Yes, doctor. So she gets out of bed. Is he pretending to be asleep when she gets out of bed? And then she leaves and he opens his eyes. That's what they implied. And then Charlie's apartment, she FaceTimes her mom, Denise. Love her mom. Oh, wait. Sorry. What? Pause. I'm so sorry. One thing we forgot last week is that messy ass Madison sat down with Audrey at this beach thing and she was like, Oh, by the way, I think that Sally wants to bang Austin.

22:53Yeah. And so she caused that, which caused Audrey's eyebrows to just go crazy. Those poor things. They were like two Bic pens just like pointing at each, pointing up at each other. And she was like, well, and she first acted all unbothered, but she was not all unbothered. And she tried to have a talk with Austin. And she's like, you know, I mean, I just feel like it's so weird because like I'm always driving here like you make no effort. And he's like, whoa, but it's because like, I don't know when you're here. It's like great. Because it's easy. She's like, OK, but. he's basically like it's more fun here than it is up there right because I think it's easier when you come to me why would I want to go to you I don't even like you placeholder you're like dating a bookmark I think specifically what happened was that she was Audrey was talking to Madison and was like wow it looks like Sally really likes Craig and Matt's like no I think that she likes Austin and just drops because and then there's this clip that they played now like 15 times since then of Sally talking amongst a group of people being like Austin, whoa I love Austin.

24:05The moment that he breaks up with Audrey, I'm getting right on in there. It's like she makes this whole big announcement so she made it pretty clear she's actually very much into Austin. But also into Craig. But denying that she's into Craig. Yes. Yeah. Okay so sorry. Go ahead. Charlie's apartment. So Charlie's apartment. So her mom Denise calls who's very southern and she's like Sally Either you had a busy weekend or you just could not talk to your mother. I mean, maybe if you had won your pageant, maybe there'd be a reason why you couldn't call me because you'd be so busy. But you lost that.

24:37So why no phone call for your sweet mother who raised you? So let me guess. You either had a terrible weekend you couldn't call your mother or you had a great weekend you couldn't call your mother. Here's the common denominator. Didn't call your mother. Didn't call your mother. And here I am dressed like a Mormon coming over the Oregon Trail in a wagon that your daddy fell off of the second he saw another drop of wine. Well, Mother. Why do the moms dress like this on this show? She was dressing. She was in a full like frock, like very white frock that had that clown collar thing around it. Why do they dress like that on here?

25:15Like kind of like elder Mormons. It's weird. I don't. I don't know. I always think it's just so strange. and like yeah i don't i don't know like she can only be a few years older than us only a few but like why are you dressing like you're like truly like you're in like a like like one of those like bush gardens colonial simulation yes why are you going to turn butters straight jacket it's yes it is like that it you know the um the things they wear on their heads in those time like the nightcaps that they wear, the bonnets that the ladies wear in old stories from that time. The dress is like that.

25:56It's just a weird look. I don't get it. And I've noticed it in a lot of moms on this show. So anyway, Charlie's like, well, mom, it was a good weekend. I had so much fun. Like, obviously, I talked to you about the singles party beforehand. And her mom goes, oh, yeah, I saw your outfit. Now, were you pleasant? Oh, God, here we go. You're a woman. Better make yourself nice and pleasant And pliable for the menfolk So Charlie's like My mom is my best friend I'm so close to my family Because we're all in close proximity to each other So I'm like literally close to them You know look here's a picture of us in matching pajamas Yeah because I was born and raised in Greenwood, South Carolina In the middle of nowhere Like this is how you would know my town is too small Because my dad would sit me down and be like Charlie one of my friends saw you Saw you were talking on the phone Driving while talking on the cell phone Are you texting and driving, Charlie?

26:48Because that's how you know your town is too small. God, I'm so old. I got caught because my parents' friend saw me driving down the road reading a newspaper in the car. I was reading a newspaper while I was driving, and I totally got called out for that. That's how old I am, okay? We didn't have texting. So that's what I was doing. I was reading the paper. I love your legacy media story. It's not funny. And it was on a horse. I was on a horse. It was a wagon, actually. It was the wagon. She talks about how she played football. And the mom's like, you played football? You are a lady. And Charlie's like, I can prove it.

27:32Because look at these bruises, mom. I got one on my leg and I got another one on my knee. We don't see the bruises. No. I don't think there are bruises. But she's pointing to her legs anyway. And her mom's like, well, obviously you didn't play very well. That isn't how you was raised. Okay. she's like um okay and then she goes you were pleasant you were very pleasant right i was so pleasant it's actually crazy how pleasant i was because and were you interesting and i mean by that did you ask that man about himself did you ask him about what he likes and his pleasures what is he like when he comes home from work at the end of a long day Oh my god Oh my god were you interesting She was like well are you Are you saying I'm not interesting She goes well you know I guess you can be at times No you're not very interesting Charlie Oh my god That's just I feel like just saying interesting is so coded That I just love the passive aggression Of saying that and then the mom actually Saying like you're actually not very interesting is kind of amazing too.

28:39So savage. Yeah. So Charlie tells us, I had a very Southern upbringing. Like my mom put me and my little sister in a pageant just to see if we'd like it. And we freaking loved it. Oh, shocker. Shocker. She's a beauty queen. Well, we knew this last week, I guess. She loved being on that stage. I'm not kidding. I was like mistracked or something. I have to find a picture. I had a crown. There was like a tiara. There was a tractor on it.

29:09what does oh cotillion she did she did cotillion she was a debutante she goes of course i was a debutante of course and i was actually little miss south carolina overall queen and then i did miss south carolina usa and i lost and we see this we also find out last week oh yeah i was about to say last week craig was a judge in that in that passion he's like yeah i actually voted for her to win but like other people didn't vote and then like she didn't go on but i feel like had she like gone on because the person who won actually like went on to like miss usa and then she like lost but i feel like if she had like people listened to me she would have gone to miss usa and she probably would have won it's like okay craig sure take credit like there's no way to ver it craig did not vote for her to win i'm gonna tell you that right now uh yeah there's no way to verify that's for sure and she doesn't believe it anyway um so then And Denise, the mom, is saying, so, well, that's good that y 'all can talk things through.

30:08Because we're talking, she mentions that Sally got all pissed off at her because she was talking to Craig. And she's like, well, were you talking to him a lot? And she's like, well, I mean, I don't feel like I was talking to him any more than I was talking to anyone else. And then we see another flashback where Sally's like, I mean, if you're into him, you can go for it. Just let me know. I mean, if you're into him, just go ahead. Steal him from me if you're going to. And Charlie tells us Yeah I mean me flirting with Craig At Sally's party It's not me going for it It's just me flirting and maybe distracting him From someone he might want to go for Just for funsies that's it Well it's good You can talk things through with Sally Loose loose Sally And Charlie's like yeah I mean You know I wasn't going for it or anything She goes okay well let me know how things are going So I can give you some other advice Now be pleasant smile don't forget to ask men about themselves okay love you so now vanita goes to sally's house and um they say hi and everything and the dog there's dogs and all that fun stuff and sally's like watch out he's gonna pee on you he's gonna pee on you yeah which you could really say about any of the guys on the show not just her dog but you know um so they're gonna go sit uh outside together so they get their bathing suits and vanita's like yeah oh by the way had lunch with molly not a big fan of yours i don't think smooth yeah real smooth so we see a clip of molly and vanita having lunch and molly saying yeah i got very drunk at the baby shower so it kind of pissed me off that sally was like oh my god molly is like too madison you know what i mean like what the hell and then we see um a flashback of molly with madison and molly saying well i wanted to apologize for how I acted at the baby shower and her saying, well, Sally brought it to my attention.

32:05Yeah, so Molly's like, okay, noted. Now we're back in the Vanita flashback. We went through Inception. We went to Vanita, Molly, and then there was a flashback within that, and now we're back. We're back down to the first layer of flashback. And Molly's like, I mean, noted. I can't trust you. But yeah, until she really pissed me off the other day, I was like, you know, I'm not going to repeat all the things I say because I'm not a shitty friend but sally can't call dibs on every single man in charleston so that's her issue is that sally's calling dibs okay so wait why can't she trust her so because what happened at the baby shower what didn't i get um i guess molly was saying that i guess did maybe sally tell madison that molly was like wasted or something i don't really know i guess okay yeah i couldn't remember that was a really exciting episode you guys i can't believe i can't believe i don't remember it this is a very low effort oh i think i would have to say it's low effort i do agree with what molly is saying about sally like you can't just come claim dibs we've all had that friend who just walks in they're like mine mine mine and if you go for them you have bad girl code or bad boy code in my case it's like no you don't get to just pick everybody you know and always pick the hottest ones too i mean in this case not necessarily so sally's like yeah i'm just frustrated or uh molly is like yeah i'm just no sally i'm just god can we get new names can we change the names you guys don't realize there's so many flashbacks that are happening within because then we go to another flashback so we're still in the flashback of molly and vanita at lunch why do we not just see this scene it'd be much easier for us we're at the molly vanita flashback and then we flash over to the sally single party where molly is like talking to sally and says what am i gonna do while you're on a surfboard oh and then sally goes flirt with craig which i guess is like example of molly i don't know so this is like we come back to the lunch and molly again says you can't call dibs on everyone craig is not yours because i think molly does molly like craig I forgot.

34:15I think they said that at the beginning of the season. Yes. Well, Molly, I don't know. Molly, I think, look, on this show, you have to be dating one of the guys to stay on the show, right? So I think everybody wants to be dating somebody, even if they don't really want to be dating any of these guys. They just kind of are like, well, where's my place? But Molly is not as desperate about it as the other one is. So Sally's like, well, I'm just a little bit frustrated with Molly for talking about shit to me, about shit about me to you, because like she's blowing up my phone every fucking day. And so I'm thinking we're besties.

34:49Well, anyway, there's a lot of people that I think are hot and that's OK. I think that's OK. Vinita's like, OK, but to clear the air, you aren't attracted to Craig. And she's like, well, I mean, I don't know. Do I think he's hot? Yeah. Do I like being as hot till four in the morning? Yeah. So, yes, you're attracted to Craig. You are attracted to him. Vanita's like, yeah, I don't do the best job of letting people know the things they're doing that are making me unhappy. So Sally's like, it's not that deep, if that makes any sense. I mean, I'm talking about the hot tub. It's just like what, like three feet deep?

35:19It's not that bad. So Vanita's like, okay, like, don't bring up my drowning again. Also, I wish there was a world where Sally could just open up those big ass blue eyes she's got and be like, oh, right. I shouldn't be doing this because my best friend is mad at the person I'm trying to hang out with right now. Vanita's like, I'm trying to have a feud, okay? Okay, I'm doing this. This is like my fourth season on the show. I'm trying to have a storyline. You're kind of not letting me have my storyline right now. Yeah, I think this is just a stretch for Vanita, honestly. I think it's just, she's stretching right now with this.

35:53First of all, someone can like the other cast members on the show just because you're having a fight with them. That's weird. I mean, you were with JT last year, and everybody hated him. And as I recall, the only person who was really nice to you through all of that was Craig when everybody else was kind of against you. Like far be it for me to stand up for Craig. But I think this is just kind of a stretch for her. This whole like I hate Craig because I'm friends with Paige. It just seems it's too much because he's like one of the stars of the TV show. So, well, no, it wasn't. What are you going to do?

36:24He didn't hate Craig because she's team Paige. It's more like she said Teen Page and Craig said, I'm never going to talk to her ever again. And she's like, OK, well, fuck him. But I mean, I think what sucks for Vanita is that she is consistently season after season really viewed as an afterthought by this entire cast, which feels like you cannot overlook the fact that it feels a little problematic. You know, she's like she's like has a beef with a guy and I agree. Oh, whatever, whatever. I like him. Or any time she has a beef, it's always kind of like, OK, whatever, Vanita, whatever. that's nice that's nice and it's like you know i mean part of it is like you know vanita is more subdued you know she's not as much of a quote-unquote reality star who's not going to make as much of a scene so it's not all rooted in being problematic but sometimes you just think yourself hmm like can you guys at least try to have vanita's back once in a while just once please yeah yeah i can see that um but i i have vanita's back mostly on the show so i'm coming from a place of having her back where this just seems to be too much.

37:30I mean, you've got the Craig stuff going on. I know Craig said that, but she was the one who said something publicly first. So this whole awkward thing around Craig and being like, I'm not going to be around Craig. I'm leaving. I'm leaving this party. And if you don't leave with me, then you're not my friend. Or like, you guys are having an after party without me. Well, you were invited. Like, you're part of the cast. You just chose not to come. So I don't know. I think that Vanita should just go to Craig and be like, hey, Craig. I saw your thing that you hate me. So let's talk about it or whatever.

38:01Cause Craig usually folds pretty quickly. But I think it's within Vinita's right to try to have a storyline, you know? And I think that she's like, I do. I'm just commenting on the story. Oh yeah. You know, I'm not saying she doesn't have a right. I'm just saying like, no, but I'm like, I'm like the best one. I think it's an uphill battle for her. It is going to be an uphill battle considering this cast. And I do agree. It's not like the strongest feud of all time at all. But I'm trying to even remember what I'm arguing about. I'm trying to think of what it was that was like on my mind about this.

38:29I just said, like, um, I just always feel like when she has, and like, if there's someone that she likes or whatever, I don't know. I just feel like the cast just does not care. I just like, they just don't care about her. Yeah. And so I just like, here she is. She finally has a storyline and they're like, Oh, Vanita, you know, I'm not saying you're, I'm saying they are like that. And cause no, yeah, I agree. Had her back and we've always enjoyed Vanita and we just want her to thrive. but this cast just she just doesn't she just keeps making the wrong choices you know it's like last year okay here's the year vanita vanita's comfortable she's gonna finally make a splash and then her storyline is jt he made a splash i mean she did and then she almost drowned and craig had to save her i mean she's see what i'm saying like that's the thing that people remember about vanita she almost drowned in a pool.

39:22Craig was the one to save her. And now she's turned on Craig. So like from just like a political standpoint, I'm like, come on, you're not playing this right. You know, you're going against the wrong one. Just say, just go up to Craig and be like, Hey, I saw the thing you said. I wasn't saying I hate you. It's just, I like, I like Paige. I was showing her support. It doesn't mean that I'm not your friend or whatever, you know, I mean, could Craig do it? Yes. Is Craig like a giant toddler? Yes. But then last year she was like doing the JT thing. And then And we found out at the reunion that even when he had a girlfriend, she was trying to date him.

39:54And then now she's this year saying that someone else doesn't have girl code when she was trying to date someone else's boyfriend last year. And I don't know. It's just like she's misfiring, you know. But she doesn't really have like she didn't have a relationship with JT, that girl. I'm not saying that makes it any better. But here it's like her best friend. And I think that she's kind of hurt by Craig. I actually don't know if she has to go up to Craig. I think that like she. Yeah, she weighed in publicly. But everyone else weighs in publicly about everything on this show. And Craig especially.

40:23So, like, now someone weighs in about something. And I don't know. I just feel like, wow. Like, I think Craig could have said, I'm really disappointed with that. And, like, I feel hurt that she wouldn't have my back because I really enjoy Bonita. But instead he's like, I'm never talking to her again. I was like, I think that, like, I don't know. Well, Craig is a little bitch. Like, I'm not going to. I mean, Craig's a little bitch. Like, duh. Yeah. I mean, of course I think that. I guess here's my point. We're rooting for this girl, okay? We want her to be in this cast. And at every turn, she's making moves to take her away from the cast.

41:01The JT thing was huge. A huge bad move, okay? Then she just made it worse. By the end, she just made the whole thing worse. Okay, so then you've got, okay, let's start over clean. JT's not even here. So then it's like, OK, let's see Vanita kind of more with the cast this year. And then she's kind of coming for Craig. Like her storyline is going anti Craig, which is like, oh, did he start it? Sure. But is this the best move for you to be ingratiated with the cast? No. Yes, I think so. The reason why is that first episode, she's like, I have a beef with Craig. Vanita for the first time ever has more of a central storyline.

41:39like should she have just gone into that like back party it was not a craig party absolutely but instead she leaves the party i was like okay you're doing the bravo thing good you're like i'm angry and i feel like she has a storyline for like one episode and now it's like and now it's shelved it's like oh whatever vanita and craig what matters more is that sally kind of likes craig let's focus on that i'm like what let vanita have her yeah that's true you know like that's true but i think it's vanita too because vanita's not playing her storyline out she's mad at Craig, but then she's running away every time Craig's in the room.

42:11And she's like, you've got this perfect cast party in the very beginning of the season. That's where all the fights happen. So if you're going to have that storyline, you go into that party and you fight it out with Craig in front of everybody and then you pull Craig's allies from him, like Austin, who's like a fairweather ally, but you pull Austin, you pull Shep, you get those guys on your side. But instead, she doesn't talk to any of them. She just talks to the girls and just tries to keep the girls away from Craig. She doesn't even really talk to the girls. If you're just not playing it right, is my point.

42:46Here's the issue. Vanita is a normal, sane, seemingly intelligent person. And so she's acting like that. She's acting like a normal person, which is that you sort of say, okay, you shrug and internally you say, okay, I see who you are. I'm going to downgrade you as a friend. But you're on a TV show. So what you need to be saying is, Sally, the fact that you talk to Craig and the fact that you do that, it really hurts me. And I'm not sure why. Like, then you got to do the reality star thing. And like, instead of sitting there on this on this beach chair and just be like, hey, this kind of bothers me.

43:19Be like, this is fucked up. And actually, I'm not sure we could be friends anymore. Like, you got to like if you like if you're going to play the feud card, go do the whole thing. Do the whole thing. So we can really be like, team finita, you know, and like, you know, we can rally the troops. Yeah, but she's just actually being too like. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Like, play these storylines better, you know, yeah, come on, you can do it. So anyway, she's being very respectful here and she's like, yeah, exactly. Be a terrible person. OK, that's what we're saying. So Vanita is like, well, look, I just if our friendship is something you value, you got to give me a little bit more respect because sometimes you choose Craig over me.

44:01Sally's like that would never happen you have my word I would never choose a name over you a penis yes it doesn't matter who it's attached to okay and she's just like I don't know I guess we'll see well maybe Vanita's doing a slow burn you know well she's like saying I'm gonna give you a nice a nice like check right now but that was strike one and then then we go right to strike three that's what I'm hoping because Vanita come on you're you gotta you gotta build this feud up a little bit. So we both agree with that. And I think that's where we were both trying to get to. So Madison now arrives at King Claw.

44:36I only go to Alpha Claws. I would never go to any like Prince Claw, Beta, Beta Claw.

44:44The Claw is the most alpha part of my Heineken non-alcoholic. She's like, can I have a Heineken non-alcoholic? And then Austin comes in and he's like, I say no alcoholics, please. Sorry, I never would get normally such a bait a beer, but I'm pregnant, so it is what it is. So she... So when's the last time you had crabs? If you don't feel comfortable answering that, you don't have to. Madison. Okay, well, first of all, let's talk about this party. He's like, yeah, let's talk about Saturday. I had so much fun, and I got to talk to Audrey for a little while, and you know, poison your relationship, so that was really fun for me.

45:22Poison your fake relationship. Have fun with that, stupid. and we see the flashback of her being like honestly Sally's got the hots for Austin what do you think about that eyebrows and Audrey's like so then back to present Madison's like well I mean it's the truth what was I going to do lie to her so yes

45:44so Austin no because she does know how to do reality she's just going to go stir it up wherever she goes so Austin's like oh I'm doing a bib for sure me too because I'm sitting across from you shit i've had my bib on this whole entire time i had my bib on before you came in from the parking lot just a question for king claude do you have some extras you can give austin for after he leaves the restaurant maybe like a weekly supply he could have of bibs i think the bib should be kind of a permanent thing with austin hey waitress could you bring me a lobster that'll spit as austin as spit at austin as much as austin spits at me while he talks what was madison thinking taking Austin to a seafood boil place.

46:23That is the worst place for Austin. We've talked about it. I feel like every season, they'll take Austin to some restaurant where he's going to spray kernels of corn everywhere. And this poor cast, they just need to have a Gallagher poncho on. I think that they do that with Austin because it makes more sense for Austin to be in an environment like that. You know what I mean? Because at least the food's supposed to be messy. At least when you leave with your face covered in crap, you kind of expect it in a place like that. That's true. So I'm doing a bib for sure, yeah. She's like, well, why'd you get it so tight?

46:59When your face turned around. Because he's like tied his bibs extremely tightly around his neck. All right, let's get back to Audrey. He's like, okay, well, I asked Audrey. I said, how's the long distance thing going? He's like, well, it's not long distance. Well, that's because you stay here. She drives. Oh, yeah. That's insane, right? so we see a flashback to audrey being like well it's been like 90 10 of him coming to charlotte versus me coming here so yeah what's going on austin he's like well i just feel like when she's here it's like so fucking good so fucking easy madison well i'm not gonna lie it's been easy but but then i also have the other end of it you know like when she's gone it's amazing he's like i'm like is this forever like am i supposed to have those thoughts about the person i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with i'll tell you this right now the answer is no you're not supposed to feel that way after a year and a half if you're like hmm i don't know that's a that is a no that's a no yeah sorry that guy listen we all know that until austin is until Until the line of free Poussesse that comes with fame starts trickling down to Austin, he's not going to settle down.

48:16Yeah. I mean, he's just not going to. He's getting what every guy on Bravo gets, which is a lot of girls being nice to him in bars and, like, willing to sleep with him at bars. And he's going to keep that as long as he can. And so until that ends, he's going to have an Audrey of some kind or another. Yep. It's absolutely right. Waiting. Place holding. So then Madison's like Yeah no you have to be able to say I can't breathe without you I would literally die Which is what a lot of people say When they're in your presence When you spit food right into their mouths They joke

48:51He's like well I'm 37 going on 38 So that answers Ronnie's question Fucking asshole What am I a guy who's gonna get married Like how can someone be so sure Of such fucking forever long command Listen Your time is valuable and hers as well. So I wouldn't keep dragging it out. And, you know, if you know it's not if it's not the end game, then you might find someone out there that actually takes your breath. I think she meant to say takes your breath away, but I think she meant like takes your breath with all the succotash that's flying out amongst it. It would actually be amazing if you had someone who took your breath or at least improved it.

49:29Good Lord. Truly, I've never identified with a song as much as taking my breath away. Take Austin's breath away. Please. Shoot, you know, it'd be nice if you found someone to take your breath away instead of making me wish that someone would just take my breath every time I'm with you. Inhaling is hard around you. It's hard. So we got over to Patricia's house and she's like, well, look at that. We've got some Pappy Van Winkles. She just passes a table full of drinks. So she sits down. She's like, Randy, are you in there? Randy? You need to unlock this man Damn it His crate opens So she's like I have to FaceTime Whitney but as you know I don't know How to do it can you put one of these Things and we watch like a 10 minute Scene of them trying to set up FaceTime that somehow has to do with They're like opening up the Facebook application And I'm like I don't know that Randy's The one to help you because you asked for FaceTime and he's opening Facebook.

50:34He's like, hold on. What the hell's going on over there? You have the MySpace app on here, Miss Patricia. I don't know what that is. The iPad up, and then there's like the phone. It's like, no, no. I love watching her scroll through the iPad. She has the iPad up, and she's going like this. Taking her finger and just whooshing it all the way up to the ceiling. Like a magic spell. It's amazing. Emma like I got back alive so that was a mixture of PeeBee Herman and Wicked together he's like so we're gonna go to your Facebook see if you can log in do you know your password Revolutionary War Corin Wallace so nope

51:26so then Hamilton didn't rap nope Nope. The Monroe Doctrine. Nope.

51:41So he has to go upstairs to find her password. Oh, get her phone or whatever, because you can log in through your phone. So he leaves and he's like, oh, look, I found it on a tray of snacks. Oh, well, that's handy. Wow. Look at that. Oh, I'm sorry. These are the snacks I left out for you. This is a cracker dipped in cyanide. Go ahead, eat it Wait, I'm not eating that, eat it Hey Randy, you ever seen one of these M &Ms? Well, of course, ma 'am You ever seen one hit your face? Ow! Nailed it Right between the eyes So, if you hit this, will it automatically call him? I don't know, you're asking me What's the point of you, Randy?

52:24Oh, never mind, I forgot Ow! Sorry, that was the point of my fork Now hold on right here Now just, okay, just get a little closer Boom Ma 'am, did you just throw a Kit Kat at my face? Sure did Thanks for the snacks

52:44So she calls Whitney She's like, hi honey, where are you? She's like, I'm up I'm coming up on Belgrade Square Mother So you're stealing London? Yeah, you're never going to believe this, but Camilla decorated all the Buckingham Palace with Christ pillows. Very funny, which is my way of saying, get better material.

53:16So Randy's like, well, before you let him go, ma 'am, you want to show him the Chauncey thing that came in? And he hands her a little gravestone for Chauncey. She's like, oh, I finally got a plaque for Chauncey. Oh, poor Chauncey. We learn Chauncey has left this mortal plane. And so she says that Chauncey got a neurological illness and then had breathing problems. And then she actually starts to choke up. We've never seen Miss Patricia cry. And she's really, you know, she's really sad. And she's like, I miss Chauncey. I just adored him. And we see like, oh, you know, flashbacks of Chauncey throughout the years from when Chauncey was a little puppy.

53:55So Chauncey was only 10. so definitely like very young and but I did like that when this sort of all ends she goes she's saying that she's going to give them a burial and everything and Whitney's like she wants to get like a bagpiper and Whitney's like I have them play Amazing Grace yeah that's what I was thinking you're not being facetious are you well I was also thinking that they could just get Randy out there and have him get on a bagpipe but we'll fill the entire thing up with arsenic see what happens then

54:31take randy take randy instead um so she's in the confessional again and she's crying and she's like oh god i don't want to talk about it now if you ever ask me about my dead husband you'll never get the same response um so now we go to craig driving his car and austin calls craig i have some news craig I'm gonna be a cat dad I'm adopting a cat Craig's like oh my god Austin that's the kiss of death what do you mean my last three ex-girlfriends got a cat before breaking up with me I'm like it's not a kiss of death it just means that you were so boring that they were like I need to I need something that's gonna give me more emotional response yeah and Austin's getting a cat before he breaks up with Aubrey or Audrey because Austin you know he's gonna lose that aww factor that he's got with Audrey right now.

55:28Where people are like, oh my god, he has a girlfriend. So now, he doesn't have a girlfriend but he's going to be like, I'm so broken up about my girlfriend now I have cats. And he can always pull out his phone and be like, look. It's working on me already. I was like, oh my god, I love that he got two cats. Because you know I'm a cat person. But Craig's like, yeah, they broke up with me. Are you serious right now? Yeah, well. So then we Naomi got a new cat then Natalie got a cat named Stormy and then Paige got Daphne and Craig's like yeah they're like oh cool we're one happy family and then they're actually like wait this is a family of two I'm like well to be fair there's just no way that Craig could compete with Colonel Gizmo or Daphne I don't know about Natalie's cat but especially Colonel Gizmo I mean Colonel Gizmo continues to be the best cat that was ever on Bravo although maybe baby Between Baby and Colonel Gizmo It's a hard one But Colonel Gizmo Baby

56:31Oh from Real Housewives of New York Wasn't that a dog I think Baby was a cat Well there was a few babies There was Baby, Baby and Baby Carol's Baby was a dog I thought I thought Carol's Baby was a cat She just took a picture of the cat like a few days ago Oh really Baby Carol Lorenzo Will Baby

56:57She's had a golden doodle named Baby And two cats named Baby Bell And Baby Blue So there you go Baby, baby, and baby Anyway the point is that Craig got pushed out for cats Baby Mare, Baby Ah, and Baby Son So Austin's like Oh my gosh, Craig. I need something that Audrey and I are not doing together, right? But I really want a cat. So I wanted to enlist you to pick out shit for my cat. Well, I definitely have some tips to share with you. And so we see this big line of succession of cats that ended up leaving Craig over the years. And then we go to not a PetSmart, but a Meyer Vogel Gallery, which is some kind of mom and pop cat store.

57:46You know, Charleston has done a great job of keeping mom and pop cat, you know, like stores in general. Like you don't see a Best Buy. You don't see, you know, you need a battery there. You go to like Mr. Winston's House of Batteries or something. It's like a little, a real store, old store. It's like some old guy there in pinstripes. You want a battery? What kind is it? I hope it's not one of them rechargeables. I feel like Meyer Vogel sounds like a distant cousin of mine. Did you go to Passover at Maya Vogel's house? No, of course not It's too far, it's in Valley Stream Ugh, the traffic, terrible Maya Vogel No one has better Google than Maya Vogel Did you see Rachel, his daughter?

58:29Yeah, she's doing well She's got a child He's very smart Claims she doesn't need a man though Who am I to judge?

58:42So, by the way Maybe the reason why Craig, everyone leaves Craig after they get a cat is because Craig makes terrible cat recommendations. They're like, I don't think I could be with a man who doesn't know how to care for this cat. But Craig's like, I love being a boyfriend and I love sharing my life with someone. But six months later, I'm ready for a stranger in my bed. So guess what? Charlie greets him there because Charlie works at the Maya Vogel Gallery. Oh, I thought they were at the Maya Vogel Cat Store. I guess that comes later. So this is the Meyer Vogel cat, the Meyer Vogel, uh, gallery.

59:16Okay. That makes more sense. Yes. Yes. I feel like when I have a connection with someone, I really don't waste time. And I have an inherent fear of rejection that probably developed when I got friend zone in high school. So like any cockiness I have is fake. What is up with these? Is this the new fuck boy thing? Cause we've seen this on a few shows now where it's like something happened to me in high school and now I just can't get over it. I can't, I am a fuck boy for life. Cause a woman broke my heart. I guarantee you broke the person's heart in high school. That's the way the story usually goes.

59:46But they're going to act like they're the victims. Yeah, that's how you move on. You know, that's how you get a new one. When she goes, aww. I got dumped by Paige nationally. Aww. So he's like, so how would you suggest picking out a piece? Like, should you absolutely love it? Or should you pick out something that you come to love one day? It's like, oh, God. Are you talking about anything else here, Craig? No. Paige is like, I'd like to weigh in that I tried option B. It doesn't work out. Okay, thanks so much. Charlie's like, no, you should absolutely love it. And she says when she first started working at the art gallery, I used to talk about it endlessly whenever I'd be drunk at a bar.

1:00:32And then the guys would show up the next day at the gallery and be like, oh, it just happened to be stopping by. And I was like, this is crazy. I like it. She's like, I used to talk about it endlessly when I get drunk. Flashback to last week. Oh, my God, guys, I work at a gallery.

1:00:54Well, if I see something I love, we'll get it no matter what. So, like, that piece would fit there. She's like, oh, yeah, that drawing or that painting of a gas can. Yeah, sorry. I already sold that. So can't have that. You know, honestly, the me, Sally, and Craig situation gives me the ick of all of it. I'm not interested in him at all, which is a lie. She still is. He's like, can you outbid people on this artwork? She's like, no, it's sold. You can't outbid people. Craig trying to throw his money around. But, like, I really like Craig. So him coming into the gallery, even if he does have those other motives, like, it's not my job to decipher his motives.

1:01:37So he says he's interested in art. So I'm going to show him art and hopefully buy some because I got a commission. So do you want any watercolors or like oils? Well, realistically. Do you have any finger paintings? I really into that. I really want a picture of a tiger or a penguin or a polar bear, but like a watercolor polar bear. So you want a white canvas? Yeah.

1:02:04when he said tiger penguin I was like please don't say crocodile next because he's just going through polo shirt logos I love a polar bear a polar bear watercolor it's just a blank canvas he's like so you want a watercolor of a tiger I'm so confused a tiger or a polar bear and he's like do you have those no we do not have those you have a polar tiger those don't even exist but like it's art so you can make it no what about a snow tiger well that does exist but is that the same as a polar bear why are you asking these questions i work at an art gallery and the custom going i definitely play the long game

1:02:46the only way i've ever had a long-term girlfriend is like foundationally we've been friends first and then we just like keep smiling at each other until like eventually she's like well i guess this is the best I'm going to do. Then she comes home with me. No, you have a girlfriend because you're so charming and so cute and you can get any girl you want. And then your real personality comes out after about two weeks and then it all goes downhill. We've seen it. I've seen this for 12 years, 11 years. So then Craig in his pursuit of the polar bear slash tiger slash penguin painting sees some sculptures that look like water balloons.

1:03:20And he's like, I just want to touch them can i touch it he just grabs these little sculptures she's like uh yeah just just be careful okay oh how dare you just kidding but actually kind of like don't touch it that is our he's like whatever and she says well i'm not saying that i like craig but i do like flirting with craig so so now they're looking at floral paintings and he's like wow this would be so cool if it was like a panther. Or what do they call a panther that's white? Is this a joke? A polar bear. I still don't know if this is a joke. Are you just informing me on something? Oh, gosh. So he's like, so do I have to just wait for these artists to die before it gets valuable?

1:04:09When's this artist going to die? It's like Seinfeld. And she's like, no. I mean, yeah, I mean, after she does die, it'll get better. But, like, well, I mean, I don't want her to die, but do you know her age and health condition? And do you know if she lives anywhere near polar bears and if they'll attack her? And if she'll make a painting about the polar bear before she dies? Will the polar bear take it?

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From the publisher

This is part one of a two-part recap!

The Southern Charm gang throws a literature party, where Craig wears a lot of guyliner and works himself into a hissy fit after no one knows who his Lost Boy hero is. Also, Austen gets cats to use as an “aw shucks” crush as he gets ready to dump his girlfriend. To watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. 

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