#3102 Southern Charm S11E03 Part 2: Lost Boy Lit

0:03Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Watch what crappens. Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens?

0:41And Wittner's like, hey, having a birthday party Saturday. The theme is literary figures. So that can be an author or a character. It's basically just a reason to see what stupid shit Craig and Sally come up with. Because you know they don't read. Yeah. Shep loves this. He's like, I'm going to dress up like a hundred years of solitude. Gosh. He's going to show up with like a white bang and be like, guys, I'm Susan Sontag.

1:12just like his head is going to be in a fishbowl. He's like, guys, it's the bell jar.

1:25It's going to be a fun. How Charlie's there. I think she's very attractive. I would totally be open to going out with her. Oh, wow. You would, would you lower yourself into going out with a 24 year old supermodel beauty queen with a perfect body and face Shep really and Rodrigo's like uh well um Austin and uh Craig went to see uh Charlie or sorry Austin told me that Craig went to see Charlie at the art gallery she works at so yeah and and so Shep is like okay gosh I mean well I was in the hot tub with Craig and Sally a week and a half ago but whatever if Craig likes her you know gangs away first of all i'm not gonna jockey for position or anything like that but hashtag megalodon's necklace coming in whoo i'm too old for that shit maybe i'm too old for her but what do i know i'm just a regular william faulkner if i if i if i may harsh maybe i'm too old for her frankly because she's 27 um which you know now leo dicaprio has broken his 25 year old lady rule and he is dating a 27 year old.

2:39Wow. So, you know, they're all doing it now. They're all doing it. So he's like, yeah, I got a lot of shit last year when people were like, well, of course he ended this or that. She's 26. But then again, I am maturing at a glacial pace. Of course. I'm just a boy. I'm maturing more slowly than it took to resolve the Vietnam War. The details which are available in the Ken Burns documentary He calls the Vietnam War. Gosh. So he says that Craig is just an interesting cat. And he stopped trying to figure out Craig a long time ago. And he's just suggesting that Austin do the same. Because they're trying to reset where, you know, they have to every season.

3:19Where they're like, we love each other now. And then two episodes later, they're like, I hate you. So Rodrigo's like, yeah, well, I think that Austin might have FOMO. He's like, oh, poor Austin. He can't make a decision for Christ sometimes, can he? Rodrigo's like, no, man, that's kind of his problem. He's like, I mean, you know, what did he say? It's a winner. Remember, we were at Folly, and we just got surfing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Shep, could you stop doing the flashback music? We'll let post-production do it for us. Okay, gosh, sorry about that.

3:56So the dad calls, and he's like, hey, I was thinking I could pull right up to the storage unit and start looking up furniture for my new house. And the dad's like, whatever you want to do, we're ready for you, garsh. So Shep is like, look, the grass is always greener, and I get that. It's just human nature. As Isaac Asimov once wrote, the tree that grows next to the robot is stronger than the robot that's built next to the tree. Did he say that? Not sure. But no one else has read it in this group, so I'm going to stick with it. No one can fact check me. So I recently bought this new house because I just wanted a house on Sullivan's Island, which is one of my favorite places in the world.

4:47It's bigger. It's like historical. Four bedrooms, four baths. I don't even know what to put in it. And we see clips of this new house, and it's huge. it's 5 000 square feet four bedroom four bath like he said and it's 3.25 million dollars yeah it's a big it's a big one he's like my dad i think is kind of excited to get a little bit of his stuff out so they pull up to uh to the family barn and his dad rip waits by uh the fence and he's like hi there he's like my parents were a big factor in me buying this house because my My brother bought a big house with his two kids and a wife and my sister the same thing.

5:29So for them, they have a normal trajectory of a guy's life. I'm 10 years behind, maybe 15. Gosh. Yeah. The dad's like, I just want to make sure you get some wooden Venetian blinds. Those add value to a house. Do you remember that? I will never forget that when the dad was like, you need to have wooden blinds, Shepard. You need to have them. Very important for resale. And there were like those huge clicky clacky, you know, blinds are huge that go over the windows. And that was all the dad cared about. He's like, you need to get those blinds, Shep. It's very important. All right, dad. I'll take it over.

6:09It's been years and that stuck with me. So Shep's like, whoa, Rodrigo, get excited. Biggest swap meet in South Carolina right here, right? Right. So they go into the storage unit and it's just all, you know, God knows where half of this furniture came from, like plantations over all over the south. I mean, I don't know. It's like a lot of very antique, a lot of old shit. Yeah. Very antiquey stuff. It's all like probably like great. And like if you're antiquing, it's probably all great stuff. But the funny thing is, it's like, is this really going to be is this chef style? I mean, I don't know what chef style is, but I feel like it's not necessarily his style, but he's just happy to have items in his house.

6:45Yeah, he's just going to throw shit in there. Yeah, it'll be like banana peels. He just wants like a sectional from Ikea and a surfboard. That's all this guy ever has in his house. So he's just like, dad, put whatever you want to in there. So they do. They start going through it. And the dad's like, well, that's nice. Those are around floor and garsh. Get those. And then there's like, of course, a big shellacked fish. Yeah. Somebody got. And then the best part is where we see a pick. we see two paintings actually of shep yeah as a teenager with this golf club over his shoulder just posing like gosh and uh they're two side by side and they're exactly the same but they're two years you know they you know they're separate times but i just love that it's like it's it's time ship we got to get out there and get your yearly yearly picture with your golf club over your shoulder well cindy our our young man's turning into an adult man time to get the painting done we gotta get a painting up chef with a golf club yeah uh so they go through shit and rod's like oh my god i'm the designer and this is basically amazing like everything in here is basically wonderful i mean it's just great i'm just like is it this is not this is not great but whatever they they load up on some crap and they're done i feel like individual pieces again i feel like they're all good antiques and individual pieces are probably great but i feel like an entire house with that i just don't feel like matches shep's aesthetic it's just basically his parents it's his parents stuff that they just put in the barn you know yeah yeah i mean i don't know i guess we'll see the house is beautiful though we'll see so then uh we go to daniel island where madison and bet brett are driving to their new home on a golf cart let's see how much brett's gonna talk this time i'm gonna say 18 words i'm feeling emotional today because i drove through this neighborhood when I first moved to Charleston.

8:38I was like, I'm going to marry some old rich man and I'm going to live out here because I was like, the only way I was going to be able to do that was be if I married a rich guy. But sure enough, I married you. He's like, yeah, you didn't marry an old rich man. That's right. I got a hunky man in my own money. I'll finish the joke for you. That's okay. Or at least I had my own money before I spent it on this house. And we just sold our starter home on Daniel Island and now we're moving into our forever home, which is right around the corner. on Daniel Island. They mention Daniel Island a lot. I feel like they're constantly like, I'm on Daniel Island.

9:13So they arrive and their realtor's like, welcome in. Congratulations. I have a little something for you, but you can't drink this right away anyway. It's champagne. Says who, motherfucker? Get that thing open. Unless you got a husk of corn, I don't care what you got. So they go. It's a nice house. Beautiful kitchen. Beautiful kitchen. It's very good. I mean, congratulations. It's humongous. Oh, my gosh. How much money is she making? This is a$3.9 million house, six bedrooms, seven bath, another 5 ,000 square footer. And she's like, well, it's a high price, but it's just perfect. I mean, if I got a bill to pay, I'm going to turn that kitchen into a I'm going to turn into a kitchen beautician.

9:55And I'll make sure it's taken care of because my dreams are coming true. Look at this pregnant wedding ring house. Check, check, check. Makes me a little nervous. when people make these proclamations on reality TV that's like you know Bravo like bookmarks it and we're like okay we're gonna turn this into a black and white flashback in about five years when her life falls apart okay great yeah you know they always do that but it is actually very exciting and now we know why she was so messy with Audrey she's like gotta make sure this paycheck is coming in I've got a house yeah I love pregnant Madison just coming in and causing mess and then going home to her husband I know you know She's like, wow, isn't it amazing I can still make money off of fucking with Austin's life and I don't even have to fuck him?

10:39So they look and they're at those pathetic rooms and she's getting choked up because she's like, I want to have babies in here. They look in the primary bedroom and this is where we'll make all these six other kids. No, I'm kidding. We'll do it all over the place. Kitchen island, sofa, everywhere around this house, Brett. He's like, well, I thought we were going to say the sex tapes. This is a sex tape room. She goes, well, we're going to have to leak those to pay for this shit. That's for sure. So she says the fact that I'm even approved For something like this after being called white trash For how many years And then we go flashback 2018 and Madison's like Shit fuck him he said that I was white trash Hairstylist 2020 Yeah well you're a terrible person And you're a trash cam That was the worst Craig was so vile that reunion But they've Always been so mean to Madison And now look she's like the star The line for Madison at BravoCon was huge.

11:33Yeah, she did win. She really did. So they go outside and she's like, life is so good. It doesn't even feel real. Yeah, this is crazy. He's like, I can only imagine what your dad would be saying if you walked in. So she starts to choke up and she's happy. Another milestone in her life. Now we go to Doolittle's pet store, in case you couldn't figure that one out. It's also the mantra for all the men on the show. Doolittle.

12:04welcome to do the least cat store where every man trying to get a reputation defending cat in charleston please come visit our sister store we just opened up on daniel island called what job

12:20hey my friend's getting a kitten for the first time oh i think that's him right there he's the spitting all over the window crazy you well those cats are gonna hate him he's gonna be giving him showers every time he talks to him they need to get him a slobber guard if that's even a thing do they sell slobber guards they should for dogs that slobber just like a little tray a little bit a bit so so austin is like rodrigo's cat had a litter and i don't like coming home to just like an empty house so i really want to have a couple cats excited to see me when i walk in i was like Ugh You're being such a fuckboy right now Being like oh I'm lonely I'm sad I just want two little cats I was like ugh And I hate that I was like That's so sweet that he wants two cats But I'm a pushover when it comes to cats I can't help it everyone I can't help it Well also I don't know that he's met cats before Cause I don't know that cats are the pet you get If you want something to be excited to come home Cats are like you're here Feed me you fucking moron Fuck where are you all day Oh look look who's back

13:26Actually, my friend's cat is so cute. And my friend's, the cat that I had growing up definitely would get excited when I'd come home. Like, my cat had dog-like qualities. And my friend's cat has dog-like qualities, like, always wants to play. Like, they're definitely cats that are super social. But you just never know. You never know what you're going to get. Yeah, I think so. I think I've known a lot of cats like that. But I just mean like the basic reputation for a cat isn't like, oh, my God, look who's happy to see me. Yeah, the baseline cat is like, oh, well, I guess our solitude is broken up.

13:58Someone stupid's here. Let's go in the other room. Wow, you just walked in the door. That means you know how to use it. You want to try walking out again? Well, I guess I'll go back under the bed where sophisticated people live. Are you having dinner? Good. Time to make a poop. Just be right here in my little house that you've inconveniently stored in the kitchen, you moron. Oh. Well, that's nice that you put a glass on the counter. Here, let me just move that for you onto the floor. Bye. So he's picked out two names, and they are Piper and Martini, which I think is funny because it's like a pipe and Martini.

14:34Really? It's like paraphernalia. It's like paraphernalia and booze. Piper and Martini. Those do not sound like names that Austin would name a cat. Piper and Martini. Piper, maybe. Piper. Get over here. But Martini is like, I don't know. I'm surprised he didn't, like, name one of them something like keg.

14:56I don't know. Miller. I guess he can't name it after a competition. But, like, funnel or polo talkers. Get in here. Dave Matthews, get in here. Yeah. So the clerk's like, so you got one cat. You got two cats. He goes, oh, I got two girls. they're actually the background on my phone look he's like wow that's amazing never seen pets as a background on a phone before thanks for sharing that with me pop her martini their names good good fucking choice okay who let you have cats uh so you know what we need we need one with a bell can we get a bell for the cat put a bell on the cat i'm like oh that's the last thing you need is a bell on a cat you know how much cats move you're just gonna hear that tinkling non-stop No bells on the cats.

15:43Cats already hate you without you forcing a bell on them. And Craig's like, well, I suggest getting this litter box because the wall has walls and, you know, they have privacy. I don't I think anyone with a cat should be suggesting those cat boxes that clean themselves. The self-cleaning cat boxes with crystal with crystal. Crystal litter. Oh, yes. I got that from my cousin. And I still feel like a badass because that's a good cat gift. That is a good cat gift right there. Yeah. I mean, I think for cats, well, you definitely want to get a scratching post. Right. And then, you know what they love?

16:25You know what a cat loves? A pole with a little feathery thing that dangles off of it. Ugh. That is like, that's basically like getting a MacBook Pro for a cat. Like that's, they wait in line for that shit.

16:42Well, I'm making a commitment to get cats. That's very daunting. Look at me. I'm making a commitment, America. By the way, there's a coffee shop next door. Why don't we just close out here and head over there to the coffee shop, okay? So they go to the coffee shop. And I was like, all that shopping for my cat makes me hungry, Craig. He's like, cool. Cheers to the kitties. Thanks, man. Dude, I think they usually come over and see me being a cat dad in action. That way America can see that I'm actually really adorable, right? craig maybe i'll come over before we go to wit's birthday party who what are you gonna dress as it's literary times come on craig you know what that means right books books craig he's like well i haven't thought about it so i'm gonna ask chat gpt so chat gpt with everything you know about me in our relationship so far i have to dress like a literary figure give me a couple of options what I should dress as.

17:40ChatGPT's like, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Talk less. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Form tighter sentences. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. You can be one of the rocks in Jurassic Park. That was a book. So Austin's like, so was Fraggle Rock ever a book? Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. And of course they give him, they give Austin Jay Gatsby. And Craig goes, damn, that's a compliment. I was like, is it? Have you read the book? Do you know that story? Do you know Jay Gatsby is like a faker? Do you know what happens to him at the end? I mean, spoiler alert, but is that? It actually is kind of perfect.

18:20That's kind of a perfect Craig costume. So then also Dorian Gray. And Craig goes, Fifty Shades of Gray. And this is sad when Austin, I mean, I can't. But like when Austin's like, no, Dorian Gray is the guy who has a portrait and he stays young forever. And people love him because he's not only hot, he's got cats. Okay. And he stays young as long as his portrait remains intact. Okay. Is that 50 shades of gray? I love that. I love it. Crack. Cool. Gene. He's like, well, I'm not really a huge theme party guy. Okay. He's like, oh, your scarf from having to dress up in the Hamptons. And then we see Summer House where Paige and Craig were wearing their matching costume for NASCAR.

19:16Craig saying he's not really like doesn't really like theme parties when he's been cosplaying as a southerner for literally 10 years on this show is hilarious. But Craig is like, well, now it's after my breakup. and I will say that I tried the lover version of myself and now I'm back to the party version of myself. Whoa, single Craig's back. Thank God, single Craig's back. It's amazing. Yeah, because whether it's like Sally or Charlie, I'm having fun being able to kiss someone if I want to, guilt-free. I'm the architect of my own demise, ha ha. So Austin's like, Oh, yeah, well, who would it have been?

19:55Who would you kiss, Craig? Who would you kiss? So he says, Charlie, he has chemistry with, well, maybe he has chemistry with Sally, too. I mean, geez, like they were hanging out in the hot tub. And Austin's like, I have FOMO. Because, like, God, do I miss being single? Yeah, I mean, okay. Yeah, maybe I do. And so Craig's like, oh, my God. Like, I would do anything not to be single right now. I didn't want to be single, but someone made that decision for me. But Austin, God, in this half in, half out is bullshit. look, I'm like, I'm having fun being a flirt. I was really good in a relationship.

20:33I loved it. Everything in life is give and take and sacrifices and stuff. And when it's the right person, and if you're her person, then it doesn't matter and it works. If you're willing to put the work in, it's like, it's like in that romantic story, the bonfire of the vanities, it's about loving someone and then they love you back, right? No. So now we go to witness.

21:00I'm still waking up Sorry, I don't know, Bonfire of the Baddies Was the best I could do this morning I was actually going back to my It's a great book, by the way, did you ever read it? I'm not aware of that I love that book I haven't liked the movie I was even fine with the movie I liked the movie too So then we go to Wittner's house And Vanita's there, because she's the decorator For parties, guys and um he she helps him set up they have to steam a table runner thing so if we get to watch him do that and he uses glass plates i mean this guy is kind of an adult but they're not only steaming a table runner and using glass plates i mean what the hell they're not only glass plates they're trauma plates because they come attached with memories of an ex so um whitner but before that Wintner says Wintner's backstory is he's like my mom has always been big on theme parties anything from you know Cole Porter to the 50s to eras of history it makes for some great family photos

22:05that's so not mine we see pictures of his yeah we see pictures of his extremely Cole Porter type Cole Porter party having I mean, this looks like a family. And you know that they have some Santa music parties. They wear the same pajamas around Christmas. Oh, God, you should have seen our Doris Kearns Goodwin party. Oh, that was a great holiday. And Vanita says she has been friendly with Witt's mother for almost 10 years because she used to work at a store. And that was one of the frequent shoppers. And then she put two and two that they were family because the mom really didn't even speak about her kids at all.

22:45So she had no idea about the kids. Yes. But then it turns out that who she thought the mom was was someone else entirely because the mom takes off a mask like Mission Impossible. Guess what? I was in costume, honey. Total stranger. She's like, oh, my God, it's Cole Porter. So Winner's like, my mom is very anti-establishment straight up. I mean, she'd be an anarchist if she could. And I don't know what that means, but this is a mother we need to meet. The mother who doesn't give a shit about her children Makes them dress like Cole Porter for her amusement And then wants to overthrow the government I have to tell you I love an anarchist Cole Porter enthusiasts She's like Fuck rules, fuck everything Okay everyone, time for some Cole Porter Seriously Where is she?

23:34So People are going to come over later So you know, they get it set up Pretty much And then we get more of Wittner's backstory. He's like, you know, I've only used these plates once, and it was an anniversary a couple years ago. I haven't used them since, but I have licked my wounds, so we can use them now. I was engaged in August 2023, and she walked out two months later. And yeah, I was with her for three years, and we lived happily for two and a half. And then I did love her, but one day it was just over. She just said she needed space, and that was it. I don't know. She just said it was things I did wrong.

24:11I had no idea what I did. No idea. No, I begged for couples therapy. She didn't do it. And then finally I came home. She had moved out. And so we don't know what happened. Maybe she became a lesbian. There's a lot missing there. Yeah. No, when a guy's like, oh, what? I mean, just suddenly she moved out. I mean, she said it was things I did, but I've got no idea what they could be. I tried everything. God when she was about to leave I haven't tried couples therapy after six months of her telling me that she didn't like a lot of the shit that I did I have no idea It's such a shame What could it have been?

24:46We had just gotten that cat So Benita's like well have you tried dating since? He's like yeah to varying degrees of not successful but I was heartbroken and probably still am to some degree I'm injured So the question is I don't know for some reason this feels sincere to me It doesn't feel fuckboy but this is very fuckboy to be like oh yes something oh i'm just innocent in this and she just she just walked i mean like she probably said a million times i'm leaving you because you don't listen to my needs i mean i don't know what happened she just never even said she just never said what was wrong he seems like a really nice guy um and in the first episode he was talking about how yeah he went to law school with craig but they didn't really know each other because he was two years younger than craig even though he He passed the bar way before Craig and that he doesn't really relate to these people because he actually has a job that he has to go to.

25:41So at first I thought, OK, he's being cast as kind of the new Craig, you know, that's like the one who has to work that doesn't really fit in. And they're going to make fun of him for having a job and stuff. But it's hard not to have some cynicism because this is Southern Charm. Yes, I know what the men on Southern Charm are like. And so I just don't trust them. But yeah, he does seem pretty nice so far. I think also I'm like influenced because someone came on to crappy hour was like, my friend is friends with Wittner and says that he's actually a really stand up guy. So I'm like, guys, well, it's a fact.

26:12He's a stand up guy. What can I say? But I am being, I think, clouded by that. But he does actually seem like he might be a stand up guy. We'll see. Right now he's tortured. I don't know. Right now it just needs to keep me entertained. Okay. So we go to the getting ready montage. Everybody's getting ready. Sally comes to Charlie's to get ready with her. And then Craig is getting his hair and makeup done. And he's like, yeah, this is like a single boy costume. Hello, Craig. I'd be a pretty good wingman for you tonight because I don't think I'll be getting the chicks wearing my costume. He's dressed like one of the Harry Potter kids, right?

26:53Does he say which one? He's actually Hermione, I think. I think he's actually in Harry Potter drag. I think it said Hermione. He's wearing like a little skirt. I believe I could be wrong. I mean, again, when I watched this, I was a little drunk. So I, I seem to remember that it said, I was like Hermione, but I didn't have the energy or the effort to go back five seconds to read what it said. So I'm sure we will find out soon. But Craig is like, but when he says, yeah, I'm probably not getting the chicks wearing this. And Craig's like, the reason you're not getting chicks Austin is because you have a girlfriend.

27:23I mean, Greg's not wrong on that. You shouldn't be concerned about that. so uh whitner is offering his dog bacchus some mojito and the dog's like why'd you name me that uh and then uh vanita vanita comes in and she's like here comes the bride it's no longer vanita it's medusa you know i would have liked a better costume from vanita because she basically was dressed just she was dressed very prettily pretty pretty like very nice but she had like kind of like a uh some sort of accessory that was like a little sort of little snake i'm like if you're gonna do medusa you gotta do medusa i'm sorry medusa has been done on this channel before and in fact i actually don't even think you can touch medusa after what's her face did it what was her name why am i blanking on her heidi no um you're out fallon remember when fallon did medusa oh yeah yeah yeah valentine medusa with the snakes in her hair on atlanta yeah but um but didn't heidi klum just do that yes he had like snakes actually moving i just feel like when people do medusa they really commit to the bit and i feel like i feel like vanita did not commit to the bit i feel like there could have just been a better literary character for her to do you know so um everyone else comes in and um you know drinks and stuff and molly comes in dressed as I think Gandalf and it's funny she's got like a full beard and everything and so she's hot and then Shep's like lonesome dove captain Gus McRae and I was like of course he dressed as that one of course he dressed as a sloppy messy one I loved it I was so happy that he brought a lonesome dove reference because you you had like that that like three months of like lonesome dove that you were going through lonesome dove and it was a lot of pages it was just such a hilarious like random no pun intended chapter in your life like you found this book that was so big in the 80s that was a mini series it was like a claim like it was like a whole thing and it was so random that you sort of like we're going through this lonesome dub phase and then the fact that ship of all people's like i'm referencing lonesome dub i was like oh it's perfect i know it's like were we reading that at the same time that's hilarious but um now i'm reading great expectations and i've just um i've just discovered miss havisham she just came into the book yesterday and i'm dying that that shit is hilarious why didn't anybody tell me i don't even care about the rest of the book i just want it all to be her yeah and for those of you who haven't read it this is her first scene she's wearing a wedding dress that's all old like she's never changed something happened on her wedding day and so she's really depressed and she's never taken off this wedding dress okay so it's all yellow like jazzy atomic this is like years later and she's um like super sad and like withering away and just like waiting to rot in her house and so this kid comes in she makes this kid come to her house and she goes do you see this and she puts her hands over his heart or over her heart and he goes your heart she goes broken that's that's like yeah i should have been Miss Havisham.

30:44Mrs. Havisham. Hero. My new literary hero. That's who I would have dressed as. By the way, Great Expectations. Go ahead. Sorry. I was going to say, Great Expectations is a concept that is totally foreign to this TV show. No, it's not. It's what all the women have when they come on here. And they end with Lonesome Dove. The ending. With Bonfire of the Vanities. so no they end with white noise by don de lillo so um gosh a post-modern masterpiece oh maybe it's infinite jest oh oh gus mccray he's a lazy loquacious and charismatic rake with the fondness for alcohol gambling and whores oh gosh does sound like you buddy so then sally comes and this is the best one.

31:38She's like, I'm kissing Kate Barlow from Holes. And Shep goes, from what? Holes. What's that? You don't know Holes the movie slash the book? It was the book first, so it counts. Holes? Holes. Holes? Holes. I don't want to make fun of her selection. I never read Holes. I never saw the movie. And obviously the name Holes. are you coming out dread she didn't read the book holes kidding she's just reminding the men that she's single it's reminding reminding everyone of options so yeah they're like who are you she's like a hole lots of holes okay pick one molly is like well some girls dress like sally and vanita and some girls are gandalf because you know of course like sally and vanita are like you know they're you know showing off they're looking as beautiful and they're like you know their costume is really more like they wedge their costume into like looking hot and sally is like covered in a robe with a fake beard and a hat and a snap and like her face is unrecognizable and she's sweating and she's like she's like melting in the corner and sally's like oh wow molly didn't really even see you there she goes you shall not pass we don't get it yeah and then vanita takes her to the side and sally's like yeah that was really weird vanita's like yeah i could feel the tension oh really you had tension with gandalf stop it well one doesn't just simply walk into this party um so that was a lord of the rings reference guys molly is like um uh she's sweating in the corner which is hilarious reminds me the story my friend um from high school she sometimes doesn't like always get things and she told a story about how she once was invited to like an adult halloween costume like adult halloween party not like sexy times but you know like when it's like adult halloween people sort of like costumes have a different look you know they usually are like sexy this sexy that or they're just kind of they have like a certain vibe and she went dressed as an M &M.

33:48She went to this fancy Halloween party dressed as a kid's costume and an M &M and it's like can you imagine? You're the M &M and everyone's wearing kind of like sexy costumes. Yeah, they're like wearing a tuxedo and a masquerade. She's an M &M. That reminds me, that's what this is. Molly as Gandalf. Yeah. So Sally's like, oh, my God, I'm so bad with being fake. I just can't. Yeah. Oh, my God. I just can't look someone in the face if they've been talking shit about me. So then Austin does show up as Hermione, which I love that for him. I didn't know that he was Hermione. She's my favorite. Yeah.

34:32Or as I used to call her, Hermione. Hermione. Because before the movies came out, I didn't know how to pronounce the names. Yeah. I just called her Hermione. I still don't know how to pronounce it, to be honest. I'm like Hermione. Hermione, I think. Hermione. Hermione. hormones hormones granger um also 10 boys for gryffindor uh so craig craig meanwhile he's dressed as um what's his face from hook um rufio how dare you not know who i am i'm rufio oh my god okay so craig comes dressed as rufio he was wearing his big blow-dried hair which he wore at the bravo con it's like where'd he come up with that hair and i guess it was so successful on rufio night that he just wore it to bravo contu but he's got all this mascara on his face all this eyeliner and mascara that's like looks like it's melting off you know and he is so proud of this and he's another sally who's like it's from hook that was a book you know like dumb ass and as he goes to each person and no one knows who he is you see him just start to crumble yeah and it just this is all it takes like every person who's like who he's like come on man it's from hook Look, nobody gets it.

35:40And by the end of this episode, he's just furious. And I think it's because his costume has been denied. Yeah, I think. Well, first of all, he looks like he's in Mad Max. That's his first problem. Because when I saw the previews, I thought it was a post-apocalyptic party when I saw Craig. I was like, oh, they're doing a Mad Max party. But then I saw Austin dressed as Harry Potter. I was like, oh, maybe they're doing movie party. I was like, I don't know. I don't get it. I'll see what happens. But this was not what I thought. Also, like a far cry from the Jay Gatsby and Dorian Gray suggestions from chat GPT, I'd have to say.

36:17So he's like, I'm the leader of the Lost Boys. I'm like, oh, that's nice. I'm holes. I represent holes. I'm lost and you're a hole. Rupio looking for holes? I don't know. And so they kind of flirt a little bit, but awkwardly. And she says, Sally's like, oh, Craig asked me if he could play with my gun. He thought I met in a sexual way. So then Craig's like, mommy, my hair was better before the wind got it. So people keep mingling.

36:54Rodrigo wears a shirt that says, I'm Don Quixote. And then Madison arrives dressed like a little man. And no one really understands who she is. She's like, hey, you know who I am? He's like, no, tell me about yourself. I'm Shepard Rose. And she holds up his book. And he's like, oh, my God, you nailed it. Shorts and a blazer. I might explore that in the near future. And she looked like the Danish judge from Great British Bake Off. What was her name again? Remember the Danish judge that was on that show? Oh, yeah. I forgot her name. That's funny. She totally looked like her. um so it's like i did it better than you though okay but i did get you a gift winner and he's like you did she goes yeah i got you your orange your own shark tooth necklace gosh well i mean you nailed it i think shorts and a blazer is a thing i might explore in the near future that might be a wonderful decision for this lonesome dove all the bitches get shark teeth And then we see a clip of Shep giving Sienna that and still being embarrassingly hilarious.

38:04So now they go outside and Craig's like, oh, hey, Austin. So Shep is like, look, she dresses me, everybody, holding up his book. And Craig's like, is that the best thing that's ever happened to you? Madison, you're way too well dressed to be chef. And Rodrigo's like, the only thing she's missing is a 21-year-old girl on her arm. But other than that, chef's kiss. So then Charlie arrives and she's dressed as Daisy Buchanan. So, oh, she really, she probably asked ChatGPT, what would Craig come dressed as? She's like, okay, I'll be Daisy. But alas, she's the only one. I know, I like that ChatGPT even knows that they're going to be together.

38:47ChatGPT told them to dress like a couple. so he just didn't listen they all like oh my god you look amazing who's daisy buchanan again um and charlie's like i'm daisy buchanan from the great gatsby what are you uh you ever see hook it's a it's a it was a movie that was like not well received and i'm a character in it and i think it was based on a book you know yeah i'm the leader of the lost boys and she's like uh-huh so anyway hi everybody and you just see him crumble inside he's like oh i could have been the gatsby loser and instead i chose this well also was hook actually based like was rufio a character in peter pan because if not then craig is not following the rules of the party was rufio a character from hook is hook not a book i don't know maybe it was a book uh it's i'm looking obviously i'm on the wikipedia i don't think it is a book i mean peter pan obviously is a book but i don't think so i think i don't know it's craig i mean yes this is great i think very important for me to to find out whether or not craig violated the rules of this party yeah i mean it's a literary party what do you expect it's craig so um austin whispers like oh my god he's trying so hard and craig's little you know craig can hear it because he knows austin's in the room so he's talking shit about him and he's like roof you i can you can tell Austin's talking about me.

40:15I clock more than he realizes. I'm not dumb. Was that a reference to the alligator? Or no? The clock. Peter Pan jokes. So Craig is like, Austin, let's do a shot. And so I was like, I can make you one. Holes. And Craig's like, okay, you want to do one with us? So they're all getting together to do a shot, you know, which is always like the, which means fight's about to come. So they do the shots and everything. And Craig, by the way, the shot is they go. Austin says, what is this a shot of? And Craig goes, this is all we have. He just pours whatever is in the shaker into three little glasses. He doesn't even make a shot.

40:51Yeah. Definitely off the wagon now. So Craig is like, you know, a shot is just a mini drink. I mean, talk about a literary party. I mean, the wordsmith here. So Austin's like, yeah, I've been doing shots the past three years. I know. I know what a shot is Craig It's insane right now And Rodriguez goes Austin really likes to make little digs at Craig And like I think it's because he gets FOMO So Craig So they do this shot It takes a while for them to do it But they do this shot And so Sally is like That didn't even tie us like anything And Craig's like Sally is never happy with her shot Yeah because it's always in your hot tub Craig

41:38Austin is so jealous That's insane right now I'm not jealous at all Craig Yeah did you hear him You're so jealous you're locked up in your house You and your kittens Craig you've been locked up for five years And all of a sudden he emerges and he's fucking having fun Am I right God Yeah you know what I don't even know why it bothers you Just be yourself man Like why can't you just be yourself You're so jealous What? What? I am Okay Alright Guess what? I am being myself I'm having late nights at my house Parting with everyone It's been a blast And for you to hate on fun That's silly It's insane right now Oh wait a second No that was my line That's what you should be saying Yeah Cause if you had said that You're supposed to say You're supposed to say Whoa Craig has emerged You started it Craig I'm not mad dude You're insane You're the one that's bitter You don't know yourself Oh yeah?

42:36Shall I switch it around on you And pull a Craig Conover special? Why are you so unhappy? He's like, oh really? You're the one who's not happy You're the only person who's unhappy Because you're living a lie You're stuck in a relationship And you're not happy Oh, okay Craig You don't know anything I got cats now, okay? And everybody's like, oh, what? And the new girl's like, oh my god So Craig's like, you told me you were jealous that I was single. So, no, I did not ever say that. I did not ever say that. No, I would never say that. I'm not jealous of anything you got going on. I promise you very much.

43:17You said it right after JT said that Patricia was a bitch. I remember it exactly. I mean, he did kind of say that. And Craig's like, okay, Austin, happy people don't tear people down. You're not happy. Craig you're the one Craig the master of tearing down Craig tears down too And here you are tearing people down I didn't start it There you go walking away Whatever my blood Is this Austin's new thing And here you go Walking away And here you go tearing people down And seen right now Wow Craig really flew off the handle quick there. I think it's like, what happened? What happened, Craig? Sad. Sad when a storyteller loses his school.

44:12Yeah, so they fight. He says, Austin says he's a dick, and he calls him a fucking loser, and it's the end. Wow, Austin and Craig are going at it for no reason. I mean, at least they know, though. They're like, it's episode three. Nothing's happened. Let's fight. Let's just fight about something. Who cares? I'll criticize you for having cats now. Yeah. Okay. That's enough for us to go on. Let's just do that. Yep. Well, everyone, that was fun. Thanks, everyone, for being here. Thank you for the birthday love. Thank you, Ronnie. And we love you. Happy birthday, buddy. Thank you. To many more on Channel 4.

44:45That's right. And then the next birthday present comes later tonight with the return of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So we'll be back tomorrow with a full recap of that show, which I'm sure will be very exciting. So thanks, everyone, for being here. talk to you next time bye watch what crappens would like to thank it's premium sponsors ain't no thing like alice and king it's always a party on alice and block our way is the amber way it's the foster and the furious it's amanda foster it's always automatic with ashley auto put your hands together for carly clap get on the right foot with chrissy offutt we never miss her call it's diane call sunday in the park with dylan clark Big yay, it's Emily Gauthier Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less Hava Nagila Weber You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones I go, you go, we all go for Hugo Jamie, she has no less name-y She's our kind of mess, it's Jennifer Messer Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock Kristen the Piston Anderson Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B K-sura-sura, whatever we'll be, we'll Lauren Silsby She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian I love a ya, Olivia Williamson She sure is swell, it's Raquel Yes we canna, it's Sadana Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman Let's share with Sharon Eldridge Darn Skippy, it's Tippi And our super premium sponsors.

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