#3112 Southern Charm S11E04 Part 1: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

0:21Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me today is the illustrious and joyous and holiday cheerful Ronnie Karam. Happy Bagel Thursday to you, Ronnie. How are you? Oh, hello, buddy. How you doing? I'm great. As I mentioned, it is Bagel Thursday. I had a bagel this morning and I'm feeling full of joy and life because that's all I need to get through the week is my weekly bagel. We are here to talk. You had one? I did. I might get one. and there's a French bakery called Baguette au chocolat right next to my Botox place.

1:02So I went there, and I said, hand me one of the house specialties. And she said, which? And I said, Baguette au chocolat. What do you fucking think, you French idiot? Give it to me now. And then I scarfed it right there in front of her face, so she had to watch me eat every crumb of it while my eyes bled from Botox. I might get that. I have to go get a prescription and the doctor's office where I get the prescription from is like across the street from a bakery. So like it's the best thing because if you ever have to go to the doctor and then you're like, well, I deserve a treat. There's literally a bakery right there.

1:38So guess who's going to get a treat? Yeah, that's what I said. I came out of there and, you know, like I was bleeding above my, I still have some blood right here. God damn it. So I was bleeding and I was like, I deserve a treat. And I was like, you know what, Botox is a treat. It's not like I just went and got a tooth pulled. You don't get a treat, but I did anyway. It was great. But also I'm going through a really weird time over here, and I did need a treat. I think I have a porch of death. I think my porch is killing things. Did another bird die? No. Okay. So where the bird came and flew into the window, which I still have to look at this goddamn imprint every day because I can't reach the window.

2:13It's too high to reach it. So that's above this patio, right? So this little back patio, ever since I moved here to Texas, which was in COVID, there have been little things dying up here. There was a big hairy spider that looks like a, what do you call the big hairy ones? Tarantula. It's huge, man. It's like this big. Maybe it's probably a tarantula. A couple of them have climbed up there. They're brown. They're a different kind. I've looked them up. That's like a tarantula. Yeah, it's like that, but it's called something else. But it's those, it's like a brown tarantula. I don't know what they're called.

2:44But yeah, it's a tarantula, basically. And they're huge. And a couple of them, they crawl right up to my patio door and then they just die. And I'm finding these dead bodies. Okay. And then there was a huge scorpion, which was not a normal little scorpion. I think I've told you about these before. They're huge. They're also like little shoes. They're huge. Also dead. A scorpion. A scorpion. Then the bird. And then this morning I was letting Bueller out. I mean, these are all things that I would like. I mean, no offense to these animals or these critters. But like. They're things you want to die, right?

3:15I'm like, if you tell me this thing came up to my porch, I'm like, please die right there and don't go any further. I'm like, this sounds great. The tarantulette died. The scorpion died. You're like, there was a reanimated body. It looked like a zombie came up to my porch and then it died too. No, you're right. There are definitely things that are on a kill list anyway, but they come up and they die. Well, the bird. I mean, I don't know if it was a bird. Actually, I feel bad for the tarantula. Tarantulas, I think, are pretty docile. These are not even poisonous. Okay. So a couple of those, a couple of the scorpion things, this bird.

3:49And then today I was letting Bueller out and he started like getting into something. And I was like, no, no, get away from that. And it was a pile of, sorry to be gross, but it was a pile of like vomited up food. And it wasn't him because he had just eaten, but he didn't barf. I mean, I was right with him and it wasn't last night because I was with him last night and it wasn't there. He didn't go to it last night. so i think somebody came up and like barfed on my patio and then left like first of all who does that but i was like is this thing dying too am i killing things on this patio like what's happening on my porch the the mystery vomit is true i think it's time that you install a ring camera out there you know those are fun you know get animals but my my friends ann and asim they got a place up in sabastopol california and they put up a little camera it wasn't a ring camera because they're google people so they have a google camera up there and they let me tell you something it's like animal highway all it is is just animals at night and it's the best the footage that they have they got a bobcat on there coyotes raccoons stop making me jealous you know i've been trying to get a bobcat on my camera now a baby bobcat kitten a bob kitten why don't you put a camera out on your on your porch of death and you can see what's going out there and phantom vomiting on it because it goes for like human movement it doesn't usually get animal movement but i will i'm gonna try it i'm not gonna know that suggest it will get it will get it it will get it something's happening out there and i think that i'm a dark harbinger of death is what i think is happening i think i'm like a grim reaper the vomit is just coming up and dying and so i'm getting a fucking chocolate croissant all right while i'm murdering the world i might as well if it makes you feel any better if the vomit if the person who vomited died on your porch their body would have been there too they just they actually survived the cat vomited and moved on i think it's somebody's cat or something because it was like whole whole chunks of food and so i think like maybe it's dead under my porch i don't even want to know is there an owl pellet maybe it's an owl was it an owl pellet no but those aren't like it's it's whole food anyway the point we don't need to spend the whole day on this i just i'm just telling you i needed a chocolate croissant today and i got it so thank you baguette you know what a lot it's like you know what baguette chocolate i've had a rough day i saw some anonymous vomit on my back porch and i deserve a croissant i mean if there's anything about seeing mystery vomit it's wanting a croissant that's the thing that i want i get that all right well anyway the point is welcome to watch what crap and sorry for everybody i know we're supposed to be recapping tv shows and we're six minutes into it but sometimes you got to get off your chest okay today is southern charm day welcome everybody who will sell original try to get today the original back patio vomit southern charm uh don't forget our patreon patreon our bonus episode this week as we did a trailer trash on the summer house trailer and on monday we obviously have our amazon live we also have our last uh crappy hour of the year and we have a very special guest who um i am going to fangirl over I'm not gonna lie it's gonna be a mess everyone so anyway that's gonna be very exciting let's get into Southern Charm as you already tried to do about 30 seconds ago so we are still at Wittner's episode for a movable feast beasts a movable beast oh I get it it's a pun it's a pun I get it because it's a literary birthday dinner scene right now So where we left off Basically the man in the sea The old man in the sea Hemingway When we last left off Austin was making Little comments about Craig It's ridiculous Just like he's from Hook And Craig was like Austin You're so unhappy Stop talking about me You're unhappy because you live a lie And you'll never be happy Because you're lying you're stupid and everyone was like oh my god craig is so hostile he's dangerous be careful he's got a gun and then we got my favorite piece of first time acting from charlie who was like oh my god

8:10they're all shaken look craig flies off the handle we've always noticed it but they're really acting like he had a chainsaw and was running through that party i mean i just feel like like yeah it was it was a lot he was being extra but they were like i've never seen him turn that way i know it's my reaction to meredith on the plane on salt lake city i'm like are you people new to this show you've never seen this in behavior before it's craig but craig was fucking rude he's terrible yeah yeah and you know the thing the guys on the show are just such bad friends to each other they always have been they've never been solid friends to each other but craig the second he gets pissed off it's like oh i'm just gonna dump all your shit right here on national tv you know we all know austin's been cheating on this girlfriend since we know that austin is dating a girl three hours away because he's going to cheat on her every night and he can still get reputation um what do you call it uh repair reputation repair on national tv and people can all pretend he's a nice person who's settling down and being kind to a girl for the first time in years but we all know that man has been cheating all over the country and nobody believes for one second at least on this show that he hasn't been doing that we didn't need you to tell us craig but you're his friend so you outing him for that is really shitty well also we had to sit through an entire season of craig acting like he's so evolved and he's in a new state of his life and he's a nice guy and all he wants to do is have some kids and plant some flowers and he's just sweet lovable craig and he's just such a dick he really is he's he's a total dick and like i think he was actually a dick to Austin.

9:46Now, Austin is not innocent. Austin was being passive and making little comments, but he was muttering them quietly and what he thought was out of your sight. Unfortunately, what Austin doesn't realize is that his lips flap so much, everyone knows what he's saying at all times. You literally cannot tell him to shut his mouth. He can't do it. It's impossible. When he's quiet, he's like... It's insane right now. It's insane. I have to say, I'm sorry, while we're still talking about what an asshole Craig is. We said the minute Paige leaves Craig, he's going to become the exact same Craig we knew before, which he did in record time.

10:24I mean, that's crazy. Another thing is right when that breakup happened and they went to the reunion and he was acting like this huge victim, there were gossip stories like, oh, Craig is dating Molly or not Molly, Sally. We've seen Craig out with Sally and they're like, oh no, how could you blah, blah, blah. Well, of course that looks like it was true now. And what's the other thing I was going to say? Oh, Craig is like, oh, I'm such a homemaker, this and that. It's me, Craig, with my pillows, my remodeled house. Reddit was putting out pictures this week of Craig's countertop. Have you noticed it?

10:53The waterfall countertop that it's not cut at an angle. You know how you're supposed to cut at an angle like a picture frame or whatever? Instead, it's like straight and then it's just laid straight on top of it. That is so bad. It's not a waterfall. That is so bad. Two slabs. Yes. I love Reddit for picking. I love him for shamming his waterfall, his waterfall, his waterfall. It's bad though. I can't believe we didn't notice it. How are you going to try and be the new Martha Stewart when you have a waterfall that looks like that? Wait, I want to see it. I want to see it. I want to see. Oh, I want to see his bad waterfall.

11:32Okay. Yeah. Find it for me and put it up on the page because I'd like to see it. Okay. So while you look for that, let me tell you, let's start into this. So basically they're all like shooketh that Craig was acting. crazy and rodrigo's like i don't know if i was drooling with my mouth open or if i spilled my drink and i was like no i didn't mean it for to happen i just have no fucking idea what just happened we just had an argument it's insane right now and charlie's like it was just like playful sarcastic comments look at him shooketh and shep is like gosh isn't our whole friendship based on snarky comments they're all like they're like wow i can't believe craig just they are they literally act like craig drove off a cliff they are so rattled by this entire scene it's kind of hilarious they are and i think it's also because craig has the eyeliner on that's smeared all over his face where it makes him look extra cray cray okay guess what record time found the picture here's craig and his waterfall that is not metered that's what they call it metering not meter look at that oh that's bad look at that wait is it what's oh i see that's the tv i was like what's that but what's that other texture that's below it that's someone's wall oh interesting someone's wall this is the countertop here is this what you mean i know but like below it see look below there's like a beige textured surface no that's someone's wall because it's Oh, is someone taking a picture of their TV?

13:01Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I thought that was my computer. Yeah, I guess that is bad. Because it's supposed to be one. Yeah, wow. Guys, if you want a podcast to come to where we're going to shame your countertop, you have found it. This is the place. Carol Radzowell would never sit on it. Never. So Austin's like, I don't fucking get it. But, like, I'm not going to let my evening be ruined by an insecure man-boy. Like, I'm going to stay here at a friend's fucking birthday and be able to move on. That's what Hermione would do. Literally, you're not going to be able to move on because you're going to storm out of this party in a little bit.

13:44And also, you're all insecure man-boys. I hate to break it to you. So, Vanita and Craig are, like, they go inside to plate the dinner because this can be this big family thing. thing with like green rigatoni and whatever and so um whitner is like hey what were you guys yelling about out there i'm it's scary when people yell because i had a fiance who left me once and craig is like for reasons i can't remember just don't lots of reasons don't really matter don't really understand one of those reasons but i'm sure it was her fault austin cannot get over the fact that i'm single and having fun and he's in a relationship and he doesn't want to be in and he's trying to juggle that because he thinks it's gonna come out craig is it's so funny because last season it was that austin's jealous wasn't it wasn't it like like craig is in a really good relationship and austin's jealous that he's in a really good relationship and this season it's like now i'm single and austin jealous that i'm single yeah that's how they are with each other they they just take turns doing this to each other so um they take some food outside and whitner's like There will be no more fighting at my birthday party.

14:53And he's like, even though I'm a lawyer, I'm not a litigator. So I don't like conflict. He gets my blood pressure going. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I'm going to need more from Wittner. What do you think of Wittner so far? I actually really like him, but I am also concerned that he may not realize what reality TV is all about. Because it is your circus and it's literally your monkeys. There's a little pygmy marmoset that has a little label on it that says, Witness pygmy marmoset. Like, this is your monkey, actually. So get used to it. Yeah. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

15:35So Sally, who's like Craig's girlfriend now, I'm not really sure what she's doing, but she's like, are you okay? She's doing that girlfriend thing where she's like, are you okay? Like petting him. And he's like, me? Yeah, I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? And Austin's just watching him with a headband, which is so funny. And Vanita's like, I just heard people yelling. And Madison's like, that's just us communicating. So Sally sits down next to Craig. And she's like, I just want y 'all to be friends and not to fight. Well, I'll tell you what. I'm not arguing. Okay, looking like this tonight. Because if I was going to argue, I'm not going to show up dressed allegedly like Shep, but somehow looking like Sandy from Great British Bake Off.

16:16And, of course, Vanita is subtle as ever and comes right behind Austin and hugs him from behind really close and goes, Craig came inside and he was like, well, Austin's being this and that. And little does he know, I'm team Austin and not team Craig. I'm going to need you to find some subtlety, Vanita. OK, I need some silent fighting from I just need better fighting from Vanita. Fight better. Well, she does say beat his ass. so venina says the thing that bugs me the most about craig is that he knows he can get away with murder and this group lets him and i can't be friends with someone like that which uh is fair in fact but all three guys can do the same thing so we'll show though it's like the people who come on the housewives whenever there's a new character on housewives and they're like oh my god all these women do is fight i can't be around people like this what the fuck do you think you auditioned for they didn't just pick you up off the street you sent in videos to be on this show ma 'am so whitner says well everyone welcome to a slags ball dinner party it does go without saying that all the styling it was vanita all right now that the queen bee has taken her seat thank you everyone for playing along and the theme and coming out in full force for it uh madison i still don't really understand what you're doing i mean i know you're dressed as chef but it's really really concerning and I say this as someone who's also looking at Craig dressed as the guy from Hook and Austin dressed as Hermione.

17:48So anyway, thanks. I had a fun idea for a party and y 'all ruined it. Thank you so much. I will say it was nice to have Sally running around people asking for people to look at her holes. But everybody, thank you so much for being here. I hope we're together every day of my life. And so Madison's like, hey, when you look at me is it like looking in the mirror and he's like a fun mirror so when it was like you know i look forward to another year around the sun with all of you by my side unlike my fiancee who left for reasons that we just don't seem to know do we hmm yeah so now they're gonna eat and uh they've got linguine with crab and then some cabbage and And then some angel hair pasta with no meat.

18:36How many meat y 'all got here? Just make sure. How many pastas you guys got here? I know. They got rigatoni, linguine, and angel hair pasta. This is a pasta. Why are there so many pastas? Is there a lot of pasta in literature? Is that a literature thing? A literary thing? Do we have someone here as like Tony DiPaola to represent the author of Strega Nona? What is happening? This is very Bachelor throwing his own dinner party. I'm so proud of myself that I pulled that guy's name out of my head. I was like, ooh, this is going to be a hard one, Ben. You can do it. Get the Strega Nona author. You can do it for the podcast.

19:08Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've heard the Strega Nona from you before, but not the author's name. The author, I was like, can I do this? Can I actually do this? And he dubbed his game. You were here the day. Imagine if his name is not even that. I'm so proud of myself. Guys, I remember the Strega Nona author. They're like, oh, you mean Francisco Rump. Dean Koontz. Dean Koontz presents Strega Nona in Sahara. And Charlie's like, wait, did you cook all of this? Charlie, okay, I know you're dressed like you're in a silent movie, but. I actually love Charlie's acting. I don't even know why. I don't know why I was about to complain about Charlie because I really like her overacting.

19:50I think it's really funny. Yeah, I actually was like watching this episode and I was like, you know what? I actually like Charlie. I think last episode I was like, what a brat. She's such a brat. But, you know, sometimes you get like, guess what? Brat summer. Am I right? Brat's not a bad thing. We like brat. We love that shade of green. Yeah, well, God, Charlie XCX. It's a Southern show where the people come on and Wittner does it later where it's like, oh, I'm so close to my family and we all dress the same for Christmas. And there's 10 of us and we're all blonde. You know, when you when you're driving behind a minivan, there's stick people on the back to represent.

20:26That's us. That's us. It was based on my family. You know, those people are just kind of annoying in general. It's like, oh, you know, they're happy fucking family and you're matching pajamas. Wow. So you weren't sent to Weight Watchers at 11 years old. Good for fucking you. You know, there's part of me that's like that, but I can't hold that against her. She's a beauty queen and a debutante and all of that. Yeah. Just kidding. But I still like her. Yeah, I like her so far. Also, the strike I know in the author's name is Tommy DePaola. And I'm saying that only because I bragged about knowing the guy's name.

21:00And then someone's going to be like, actually, his name is Tommy DePaula. So guess what? I consider myself corrective. Like, I came very close by calling him Tony DePaula. Okay, so they have a lot of - Camp D would like to have a word. Clink, clink, Strega Nona.

21:18Strega Nona's not invited to the posh fashion show. So anyway, they're just all hanging out. And so Craig whispers to Charlie's ear, maybe I can cook for you because he's flirting with both Charlie and Sally over the course of this dinner I think he's just going to see which damn breaks first I've seen Craig cook remember when he took all that frozen meat in a bag and just dumped it all over the grill and then closed it that's how Craig cooks no you will not cook for me sir so she just takes a drink it doesn't answer because she feels Charlie's eyes boring through her skull right next to her then Craig's like did you find me a painting because I thought you were going to pull stuff for me and then we see clips of him at the gallery saying i wish i could buy a piece that's a panda or a tiger in watercolor do you have those watercolors so charlie's like well i do have things that i will bring but it's easier if you like send me measurements and stuff and tell me what you want and all that you know kind of basic fundamentals that you just seem to be failing at He's like, okay, I can do that.

22:23So Sally's watching and she's like angry. So then Charlie sees that Sally's watching her. So then Charlie's like, oops. And Charlie's like, but guess what? I don't want to talk about work right now. No, this is a bad time to talk about it. Cause she's like trying to step away. So she doesn't violate Sally's girl code. Yeah. So Shep's like, there's a throuple. It's Sally, Charlie and Craig. And I don't know who's jockeying for what position and why. I can't read that room because I'm not in it.

22:57The bolognese is on point. It's almost as on point as Hamnet is heartbreaking. That's what Austin's like. He's like, oh, man, I already got shit all over my shit. Wow, what a surprise. Austin eating bolognese somehow got bolognese sauce all over himself. I wonder what happened. Did he put it in his mouth? sprayed out like the bullets in that game contra listen i don't have many rules but if you're going to be eating with uh austin don't feed him bolognese red sauce is a no people will think that he got an axe to the stomach they're like oh my god that man is bleeding it's like no he's just talking that's just the bolognese coming out the person across from him looks like a horror movie just like covered in red splatter scary they actually like okay like uh we're gonna need a special effects up here to give Sissy SpaceX some blood.

23:46Alright, bring in Austin. Bring in Austin. Give him some bolognese. Okay, Carrie just stand right there, right in front of his face. So Madison makes fun of Craig's eyeliner, and Austin's like, he's crying for fucking stomping up the place. So Craig's watching Austin. He's like so amazing. And Sally's like, Madison, I feel so far from you. Madison's like, I know. Madison. I just feel like, you know, your shit is all the way down there and you're so far away hey craig she just rolled her eyes at you did you see that craig i'm pissing everybody off um so madison checks in on austin and asks if he's all right and he's like i just can't pretend anymore i can't even like pretend anymore so then uh craig and sally are whispering and craig's like i hate getting triggered well this is the first time I've seen that side of you you want some southern comfort let me help you out big boy we just trigger each other are we 12?

24:46like you're too old to be sitting there being like but I was triggered in your fucking Peter Pan cast member outfit Rufio so Sally's like yeah I can see that but his comment wasn't nearly as bad as yours I think you took it to a deeper level than what he did He's like, oh, so then, like, what do you want me to do? She's like, apologize. He's like, I don't understand. Like, maybe I have another beer. I'll go with you. I'm sober now. I'll go with you. She goes with him to get his beer. So then we go to Shep and Charlie, and he's like, will you hold my gun? She's like, was that like a real gun? Or he's like, yeah, my actual gun.

25:31I'm not hitting on you inappropriately. it's season 10 and she's like oh this gun is like kind of heavier than i thought it was gonna be okay i won't say it because then he is gonna tell me that i'm unhappy but i can't so i can't say that like that's a that's what she said joke but like it kind of was it's like wait why can't you say i mean i appreciate you trying not to say that's what she said because that is so played out and it's been like 15 years like the only thing more tired than a that's what she said is a winning you know moment but like what does that have to do with Craig saying that you're unhappy that felt like a stretch I felt like Austin was trying to go out of his way to complain about Craig while doing a that's what she said joke yeah um so then we go back to uh Craig uh who's inside and he's like oh he just keeps talking under his breath it's like douchey Okay Triggered So then we go to Austin and Charlie And Charlie's like Well you can say that Why shouldn't you be able to say that's what she said And he's like no Because that means that I'm unhappy And I shouldn't be in a relationship Because I say things like that Austin Keep running your mouth That's what she said Stop it Stop being unhappy while I do my monologue She's gonna say something that will ruin your life That's what she said Wow you're so completely unhappy i won't say it because she said it wow but chef will say something because he told me about it and it will literally ruin your life and that's how i know that you're not happy because you wouldn't have done what chef knows about if you were happy and you wouldn't be talking shit to me this is so bad first of all this is very this is not a very good way to say what you're trying to say but also like what a dick what a dick i can't like him doing this it's like okay i'm gonna like i'm gonna drag shep into this and well shep inserted himself as you know one could say one could say but like he's basically now throwing shep under the bus and i'm like god craig you're shameless i was throwing both of them under the bus at the same time because austin made a joke about sally being in his hot tub i mean come on so chef's like i don't know about anything craig i'm not mad at you but bro you just fucking popped off at me he's like of course you're not because you threw the first punch out triggered so i didn't punch craig then why'd you make a smart ass comment and uh he's like you're a fucking thing dude fucking thing right now rodrigo says listen this is not the dinner i thought we were having i'm like rodrigo this is literally the dinner that everyone knew would happen have you've been on the show now a few years you know that when these three dum-dums get together they have a stupid spat every single time rodrigo is just basically the extra in the music man where everybody finds out that he was a grifter the whole time he's just like me he's always shocked in every scene just like a literal hand over his mouth his wide open mouth like oh so madison's like oh go ahead go ahead madison i was gonna say i think that craig crossed the line tonight and not in that cool alpha way but in a beta way and like you just gotta talk with him like how many times we're gonna fucking do this i'm sick of it okay we're supposed to be laughing about my wig and instead we're talking about you two idiots so austin goes with craig uh inside the house molly is like wow what a birthday right oh you can meditate on it and vanita's like so shep what do you have on austin like vanita's like i'm not making small talk about a fucking trumpet or whatever the fuck that lady's about to talk about what what do you have on him and shep's like oh okay here's what happened that's what you said okay two fucking 25 year old girls came up to me in new york city in the west village and it was like you're a friend of austin and blah blah blah and i said i don't want to know i do not want to know do not tell me anything leave me the fuck alone so it's totally unsubstantiated it's totally unsubstantiated the point is that really is what the she said well why would you go to a liberal bastion like new york city in the first place I don't know, but it was so stupid and not newsworthy, and then I just decided not to say anything.

30:07But I did ask Craig. I go, should I say something to him? Because I don't want to interrupt his piece. Shep, who famously never wants to interrupt someone's piece, he's always very considerate about someone's mental well-being, especially when playing games involving egg tossing.

30:28Well, Craig's the wrong person to ask about that. just like it would be a new yorker would be the wrong person to ask if you uh wanted their opinion on a town without socialism when i told craig he said don't tell anybody just let it melt away i think his technical words were that's what she doesn't say and now he threw me under the bus to strengthen his position gosh yeah and you know poor chef he was thrown under the bus here but But let's not pretend that he didn't tell Craig so that Craig would carry that information and embarrass Austin so that Shep would keep his hands clean. Because that's exactly why he did it.

31:06So I think Craig kind of just beat him at his own game in a way of being like, oh, really? Well, Shep, I'm wasting your episode five storyline, Shep. You have to do it right now at this party. I actually disagree a little bit. I think that Shep is like more than happy to pull out information and just to say it. I mean, literally look at him at BravoCon, that footage of him talking to strangers being like, that entire relationship was a sham. He's just horrible. Look at him. Look at him. It's ridiculous. He's happy just to shit on a relationship and be the person to do it. So I actually personally don't see that he was trying to get Craig to do his dirty work.

31:45But what I do see is that he was not going to Craig to be like, what should we do about poor Austin? It was probably like, this guy's such a fucking idiot. He's playing everyone acting like he's innocent. They probably talked to talk shit about Austin. But I do think that Craig probably was like, that's the thing with Austin. He's totally a piece of shit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But now in this fight, he acts like, oh, he wasn't part of the shit talking. And he just puts it all onto Shep, which is such a Craig thing to do. Yeah, I just don't see Shep telling Craig and expecting any other results.

32:19I mean, you're telling Craig. And also, in the BravoCon thing that you're talking about, he was railing against Craig. you know what a phony fucking relationship that way he's always rattling against craig so i think his way i think it's like okay you guys fight and i'll just stay i'll just stay the nice one this season i'll get you guys fighting but craig just interrupted that and did it way too early because you know shep was saving that up there's no way that girls are going to come up and tell shep that austin is cheating and that shep is not going to say something during the season or get it out there in some way so you don't think i think i think if shep wanted the word to get out i think he would have told it to like well i think he would too but i think he's gonna wait i think he i think his plan was like to kind of wait for this story you know like to do when he wanted to but craig's just like outing it too soon yeah that's the thing at the very least if they were going to confront austin about it it was the two of them were going to confront austin about it because austin had a nice edit last season and so it's like okay we're gonna go get austin this season and craig just did it in a way that like put it all on chef it sort of removed craig from that situation makes him look like the angel as usual and um i felt bad for chef i actually gently felt bad for chef in this situation i was like that's up you guys are both probably being messy you know i have a rule in my house never feel bad for these men not a one of them not a fucking one of them none of them deserve it and every time i start to they show a clip of them acting like fucking monsters like they did in this one which we'll get to in a minute but my My rule is always feel bad.

33:50And then they show those clips and I'm like, oh, no, you're you're an emotional terrorist, sir. I will never feel bad for you. Well, I'm actually surprised because this should be a Shep bat, a bad Shep season because those alternate. It's like Kyle and Amanda marriages in trouble season alternates every other year. And then it's Shep has a bad edit is every other year. And he had a nice edit last year. Last year, he was like sweet Shep, who was so in love that he he lost his mind for this girl from the Caribbean. So this season will be the Shep is a miserable asshole. But I think we're going to get Craig as the miserable asshole edit this season instead.

34:24So it's a little out of whack. Yeah. So he's like, well, when I told Craig, he said, don't tell anybody. Just let him out. Oh, you already said all these lines. I'm so sorry. So Austin's like, why are you getting so he's so fucking fat? That's what he said. That's what he said. I said one fucking thing and it was so fucking slight. He's like, well, clearly you're going through stuff. Like, I think you take it out on other people. That's it. That is it. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

35:01Unlike Craig, who takes out his emotions in very healthy places and definitely not on other people whatsoever. And there's definitely not any montages that Bravo could throw up on screen to show that he does not take his emotions out on people. Yeah. Yeah. So Austin's like, what's the big deal? I said you had a night with two girls. Like you had a hot night with two girls. Like, why are you crying? And he's like, I'm Jimmy Grant. What a pussy thing to be mad about. I feel constantly betrayed by you. And now when I hear the slightest thing, I mean, you said you were scared of me last year. Do you know how fucked up that is?

35:38Which is also, by the way, that's a fucked up thing to say because like it was not just Austin. It was all these people were like, who's afraid of Craig? And they all raised their hands. And now the one who scares everyone is like, oh my God, that's, you guys are so mean to me for saying that I scare you. And then you go and continue to scare everyone. yeah like you finally have the strength to look under the bed and the monster is like why are you judging me why are you calling me a monster yeah you've been torturing me my entire childhood you fuck yeah but yeah craig is also like how dare you call me scary when he just lost his mind over no reason in the backyard screamed to yell and ruin someone's birthday i don't know craig i don't know why anybody would say that yeah you're also the only one here who dressed like they just came from like the mad max post-apocalyptic world so it is a little you do you look a little scary right now.

36:27I know you're from like your Rufio, but you're really reading more like, you know, Thunder Road. So why would you come on Southern Charm, which is a show about sexual predators of different, you know, different varieties and call yourself Rufy. It's disgusting. It's bad. It's bad, bad branding. So Craig's like, it was just a big fucking lie. Like, you're not scared of me. That's a lie. Are you really scared of me? And he's like, yeah, kind of Craig. I mean, 100%. The part of Craig that scares me is the unpredictability. Well, we clearly have, like, way more work than we ever thought that we needed.

37:05He can turn on a dime. He literally will actually, like, drive his car and he sees a dime and he'll turn his car. It doesn't matter what the traffic pattern is. It's terrifying. Well, what would you like from me, though? It's like, I want your friends that good. Okay, well, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. and I shouldn't have said that stuff, but it happened and I'm sorry, but like you triggered me. Okay, it doesn't count if you say you triggered me. Okay, trigger. Using triggered in any sentence immediately makes your sentence moot. Like, no, you have no point here. Triggered.

37:39Well, I think you're allowed to say like that you have triggers, but you can't say, I'm sorry I screamed at you, but you triggered me. You're in control of your own reactions to what people say, okay? It's not his fault that you had a reaction when he made it, when he was being passive aggressive. Yes. But like, you don't like that's like you, you're not, you're not off the hook because what's because of how someone else said something, you're in control of what you'd say. So Austin's like, a real apology doesn't have a butt attached to the end of it. That's what she said. I'm saying it. That's right.

38:15At a certain point, apologies are meaningless coming from them. Yeah. Yeah. So Austin, basically, they're trying to make up, but they're not going to make up. So outside, Sally's like, I was already giving Craig the advice that Austin deserves an apology, y 'all. I mean, that was crazy. Molly's like, oh, really? You said that? She's, yeah. I mean, what do you think? I'm over here flirting with Craig or something.

38:42Yeah. I don't know why anyone would ever have that concept in their mind. So Molly's like, it looked like it. molly i mean i'm just saying well guess what i already heard you've been having words to say about me and i didn't want to start it she goes yeah well because you were coming for me what when have i ever came for you like let's be real right now so the this is gave you the correct word to you she said because you were coming for me and she's like when have i ever came for you like come on man she's trying to help you i know and it's because um you went and told madison that molly was like i think a drunk slob at the party and so you're basically talking shit about molly behind her back so sally's like yeah but there's there's a difference between me and you and that's because i stated facts and you've been telling everyone that i'm calling dibs on the guys like who sorry but fucking who and they all literally start cracking up because she's so full of shit and benita drapes herself over someone and she's like oh my god oh my god craig Craig Craig it's like uh Molly Molly says I literally just said what you said I mean those are the words that came out of your mouth because if you're telling Charlie not to talk to Craig I would never tell Charlie not to talk to Craig you 100 % did though and Rodrigo's like um if we're being honest I mean it's like two weeks ago and we see a clip from two weeks ago where Sally was basically telling Charlie like um look if you're into him like that's fine but like you have to talk to me about it so charlie's like and we we did hash it out we hash it out and um i now have a electric collar that's around my ankle so you can't see it and anytime i look at craig she zaps me and it's great it's we have it's called boundaries and i understand them now then why are you acting like you've never fucking said any of that then and rodrigo's like um she's right she's right i'm in this fight as well and molly says okay well maybe we're drunk like you are a lot and probably forgot, which is fine.

40:43Molly tells us, I don't want to say Sally's a pick-me girl, but if she were playing volleyball and people were trying to choose teams, she'd be like, I'm someone you could choose, I guess is what you would call her. Her self-worth has a lot of validation from men. It's really linked to that. And I think it creates a lot of drama. Yeah, I mean, good call. And Sally's like, I've just been living in the hot tub, living my best life i mean what the fuck is going on yeah no pick me girls about red so then in the window while they're doing this we see austin and craig they're still arguing and you can hear them through the windows and now chef is like gosh should i go in there yeah maybe you should be funny get all three bed is one room and see what happens okay i guess i gotta clean to come clean to austin but i just don't want craig to be around because he's just gonna spit it well just say the truth and what you told him go in there what are you scared of y 'all go in there and do stuff i'm tired so he goes inside and he's like hey well well well ship had an answer the conversation ship just like wipes his face off he's like okay well uh i just gotta come clean okay guys uh so i'm in i'll tell you what happened okay so i was in new york and craig's like oh god i don't want to be a part of this you started this craig just walks out he's like this is too heavy for me i'm not in this conversation you started it so messy um so then uh outside the girls are like let's do shots okay so so sally so craig goes outside and sally's like craig where the hell have you been i've been right here do you want to pick me craig's like this is not gonna be good you're talking about your makeup i know it doesn't look quite good no the guy's inside oh so austin's like all right tell me motherfucker what the fuck is going on all right gosh okay well three weeks ago two moron girls in new york came up to me and are like austin and our friend are talking and i go i don't want to know another word okay i don't want to know what i think the only thing i want to know about is what happened between the rebels and then britain that's why i'm watching ken burns's new documentary the revolutionary war but i don't want to know anything beyond that gosh and then i went shit and i called craig oh so that's your fucking move to call craig that's what you do who does that no no no i call i i said correct i said should i call austin and interrupt his piece should i give the Megalodon necklace because it was all hearsay it was blasphemous it was literally like from their lips to God's ears and they were lying the entire time gosh and Craig said he didn't want to interrupt your piece so that's why I didn't want to tell you there were no cameras so Austin's like come on there's no truth to the rumor that I've cheated on my girlfriend which is why it upsets me so much that my two friends could so callously spread so much bullshit.

43:53The entire camera is just red now, just bolognese, just streaming down the lens. Looks like The Shining. So Craig's like, I can't believe that Shep is doing this. What do you mean you can't believe? You literally are the one who opened the can of worms. And in fact, Rodrigo's like, are you fucking kidding me? I mean, you push Shep in front of the bus in front of everybody. I'm not talking to him I gotta go I'm pregnant bye so she is why are you mad at me bye I said bye bye is one word sentence okay bye so she's like well obviously being pregnant and being sober I'm seeing it from a totally different set of eyes I mean normally let's be honest I'd be drunk too but see this is a little terrifying it's terrifying so she's gonna leave but of course she has to leave through the kitchen which is where they're fighting So she walks over there.

44:47And meanwhile, Sally tells Craig he needs to go to bed. And inside, Austin's like, you told everybody. And Shep's like, no, I didn't. I just told Craig. And he's like, oh, well, that's the smartest move on planet Earth. Well, he's a friend of ours. Is he? Is he Shep's scene right now? Oh, I don't know. I hate this shit. Craig is outside. I'm not going to be gaslit into thinking I did anything wrong because I didn't. I just notice when people are doing what they don't want to do. Oh, God, Craig. Pop psychology is the worst thing to ever happen to people. Craig is now saying triggered and gaslighting.

45:24It's part of his regular vocabulary. You don't get to say those words. You are the gaslighter. You. How about, I love Craig saying, I just notice when people are doing what they don't want to do. I'm like, did you see any of the footage of Paige last year having conversations with you? Let's have bees in the backyard. Ew, gross. Disgusting. Let's have kids. Ew, gross. Do you want to come to Charlotte or Charleston? No. Ew, I hate it here. What could have happened between us? So now Charlie's going to leave. And this party was just a disaster, basically. So now it's Craig and Sally. And he says, yeah, this is where the shit gets fucking frustrating because it feels like the whole world.

46:06Like, I'm just misunderstood. And hopefully if you don't believe me, really concentrated on my smeared eyeliner right now. I'm so misunderstood. And people come after me a lot. Well, you don't deserve that, Craig. And I am here for you. Just me, Sally, ready to service you in any way you need. You need to understand. You are literally so great. And he's like, uh-huh. And he just smiles like, ding. So, Rodriguez, everyone's leaving. and Wintner's like, well, this is my first, this is the first time having a party for myself since the breakup with my ex-girlfriend because I wanted to create new memories in my house.

46:49But man, what are you gonna do? Okay, like, sir, I'm sorry about the ex-girlfriend situation, but like, you're already milking it too much. You just, you threw a party. It's fine. People had a fight. There's still plenty of pasta. It was good. It was a success. Yeah. so um outside they go are they back outside are they still inside austin the shop fighting about oh it's sort of a so he's like dude i talked to girls at the bar and fucking audrey knows and she tells me she talks to the guy at the bar too so what the hell people can't talk about i mean what what people want to go to a quiet bar that would never happen agreed austin agreed so like the only way i can have peace is if i'm single and just like chasing pussy every day like you and Craig does.

47:37That was happening. He's like, no, that's not what we were even talking about. That's not what she said. If I may use that parlance. Why even come around, you fucking assholes? Why do I tell you guys anything? So now he leaves. And now Craig is still talking to Sally. And he's like, I tried my hardest not to be involved with it. Like Austin loves to blame me for shit. But I'm like, this is a Shep thing. You made, you put it out here into the scene. it was never going to come up you decided to use it as ammunition in your fight against austin because you were losing yeah so now everybody leaves the party's ruined for a winner hey everyone this is the end of part one of this recap for part two keep an eye on your podcast feed it is coming up in just a moment thanks so much for listening catch you on the second half watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors ain't no thing like alison king It's always a party on Alison Block Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster It's always automatic with Ashley Otto Put your hands together for Carly Clapp Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt We never miss her call, it's Diane Call Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark Big yay, it's Emily Gauthier Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less Hava Nagila Weber You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones I go, you go, we all go for Hugo.

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