#3132 Crappens Rewind: My Octopus Teacher on Netflix (Part 1)

0:21Oh, I'm excited for this bonus episode. I'm very excited too Ben picked this bonus episode we were looking for things to cover and I was like okay octopus whatever stupid whatever octopus I guess I have to watch an octopus video now and then of course I cried it's the best thing I've ever seen and I really want to find love now so what Rodney's talking about is there's this documentary on Netflix called My Octopus Teacher and people are starting to talk about it Cameron from Southern Charm put up a video where she was a blubbering mess and she was like this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

0:58And it just felt like this was going to be a thing that people would be talking about. And if it doesn't quite reach Tiger King levels, that's fine. But I just was like, this seems almost ridiculous enough and yet great enough that we should cover it. And we've never recapped a nature documentary before. We've recapped everything else, I think, except for nature. Vanderpump Rules. I mean, that's true. That is basically like life on the savannah with, you know, animals and, you know. Lots of things with warts, you know, eating each other. Yeah. Throwing feces at each other. So, yeah. So, this is, the documentary is called My Octopus Teacher.

1:44And it's about a man who befriends an octopus. So, I mean, shall we dive in? Shall we get into this madness? Yes. Let's get in. Now, this is basically one big long story told by him. Okay, so that's pretty much what you're going to get in this. And it opens with an octopus swimming. People say octopus are like alien. But the strange thing is, as you get close to them, you realize you're very similar in a lot of ways. No. Okay, so let's just... I have atoms. She has atoms. I can change my color. she can change my colors like sir what lsd are you taking she can change her texture and grow horns i can change my texture and grow now physically that might not be true you know i was resisting this movie and i have been listening to the oprah super soul podcast as you know i love it and brené brown was on there now i resist some brené brown in my life like i don't need some snooty texas woman telling me what to do i've had one my whole life but then i listened to brené Brown.

2:51Love her now, of course. And her whole thing is about being vulnerable. And if you're resisting something, it's because it's bothering you on a level that you need to address. And you need to stop resisting that. And you need to be vulnerable to it. And so I was like, why am I resisting this octopus thing? And by the end of this, I was like, oh my God, I am just like that octopus. I'm even made of jelly. I could probably hide in a rock really fast. You could. I think you're made for an octopus lifestyle. Just hanging out in a den, maybe going out. maybe always alone someone yeah yeah i'm like i want to die alone until it's time to pop out a baby and then i'll like let a man in to like impregnate me for about five minutes and then i'm gonna be like fuck kids i want to eat i want a shark to eat me you know yeah i think the trajectory really worked well for you oh i guess we should say that this is the if you haven't watched the movie there will be spoilers because we're gonna recap the whole thing so that was a post spoiler warning that was yeah post spoiler warning like I mean, you had to know.

3:52So the, it's an octopus. Okay. Nature is, nature is violent. So, yeah. So this guy, his name is Craig and he is telling, we're seeing these, by the way, the imagery is beautiful in this. So beautiful. Like you can just put it on mute and just watch it and you'll just be zenned out. It's great. But he's like, you're stepping into this completely different world. Such an incredible feeling. And you think you're on the brink of something extraordinary. But there's a line that can't be crossed. You cannot have sex with the octopus. You cannot. You cannot. You, I mean, wasn't every family in the country going, please don't fuck that octopus.

4:29Don't fuck the octopus. Because, you know, there's that show on Netflix right now that everyone's like, I'm canceling my Netflix. It's called Cuties. Yes. A French film or whatever. And everyone's freaking out that it's child pornography and this and that. Now, I have not watched Cuties because I've read all this stuff. And I'm like, if I even watch this, I'm probably a pedophile. Like, I'm not watching that. Like, I'm terrified to even watch it now. But I've obviously read a bunch like everyone else. But now I'm like, oh, my God, is Netflix trying to get me to fuck an octopus? Like, what's going on?

4:57Is it brainwashing? What if the octopus wants to fuck you? What about that? I mean, that would be flattering. I wouldn't do it, but I would be more flattered. You know, if it were the other way around, I would be horrified. But, yeah, everyone, I think, at the same time was like, please do not fuck that octopus. Don't have sex with the octopus, please. Yes. Please. and by the way we never see his his wife if he even has one because i would really like to know what she thinks about this entire situation okay like my husband is swimming out into the ocean to hang out with an octopus i don't know i think i would i would have some concerns i feel like i feel like we don't see his wife but i feel like it's nicole kidman in big little lies without just like bangs and sad yeah and he's like got major depression issues as he kind of alludes to but basically i wrote sad movie guy alone so that's my overall note for this but he's like it was a quite a long time ago that day it all started my octopus teacher we're in western cape south africa there's waves against the cliffs and these are not like cute waves like isn't that pretty it's It's like a photo.

6:07These are like biblical waves wiping out humanity, you know. This is like some Mary Elizabeth Mashery Antonio screaming at you that you are in the jaws of the monster. Like, you have to get out of there. Yeah. And the place is on the tip of Africa. It's known as the Cape of Storms. My childhood memories are completely dominated by the rocky shore and the tide. Bium, bium, bium, tide, tide, tide. And then we see this little tiny house, which, I mean, who builds a house right where, who builds a house in the middle of a damn wave? I just want to see that one. I want to see that house on House Hunters International.

6:45House number three is far from town. And also, the ocean knocks it over every few months. House number three was owned by a very nice man who drowned in his sleep. Well, I just love these appliances. It's fully updated. mainly because it was destroyed about two weeks ago. And oh, look, there goes the door. So he actually says, he's like, I grew up in a wooden bungalow as a child and it was built below the waterline and the ocean would knock down the doors and fill the bottom of the house with water. And it was incredibly exciting to literally live in the force of that giant Atlantic ocean. I'm like, that sounds awful.

7:25The ocean is like flooding your first floor every single time. What about your toys? What about your TV? like what like there is none that's what kind of life he's living that's why i'm saying he's a depressed person he's living in a wave basically a constant wave what what can you not have you can't have a tv in there you can't plug in your phone downstairs yeah you can't iron anything in the foyer every single day in the foyer yes like what do you never iron like that's i mean i don't either but still probably so annoying in school because he goes most of my childhood was spent in rock pools diving in the shallow kelp forest that's what i most love to do it's like hey uh like you're at school it's like hey you want to come over we i got my he-man figures i have a better idea let's dive amongst the kelp it's like oh craig would you like to come over to my house after school and get your feet all wrinkly because it'll be wet the entire time knock knock who's there the atlantic ocean pouring itself in exciting it's like is that delivery it's like every time that there's a knock on the door you don't know whether it's like ups or a giant wave crashing into your house as an adult i'd been separated from that and that was fine at first until i went to central kalahari 20 years ago and then it's like yeah and now you know here we are and there's like a man running with an arrow like a tribal guy running with an arrow and they're chasing some animal or something and he tells us i was making a film called The Great Dance with my brother and met these men who were the best trekkers in the world and to watch these men go to incredible lengths to find subtle finds in nature, things my eyes couldn't see, and they would do it for hours.

9:11They were inside the natural world and I could feel I was outside. Well, yes, you're outside. Like, deal with it. It's fine. We're all outside of it. Okay. But I wanted to be inside. Yeah. like you have to pick achievable goals you know like you can't go to a zoo and be like god i wish i was a monkey my life sucks so 18 years later by the way and also when he was making that movie he was hot he was real hot i was like craig let's how about that be your goal is to get like great dance but get back into like great dance shape how about that yeah go back to hip-hop jazz you know but i think that he uh is still pretty hot i mean he had a pretty hot dad bod i mean look He had a hot dad bod, but he had a hot year 2000 bod.

9:59Or maybe it was the 90s. I don't know when it was. But he's totally one of those hot guys who uses patchouli, and they're like, I don't have to take a shower because I'm hot, and I'm into nature. And you're like, gross. How many people did he bore at cocktail parties about? When I was in Kenya, I met the greatest trackers in the world. They could see a grain of salt and know exactly what animal it came from. It's like, great, thanks. we're trying to talk about big brother here who invited craig again and he does like subtle things that make me think okay like he's sad and approachable now because he's filming himself at his kitchen table but he's like a snob in real life because he wears um rimless glasses and i think people who wear rimless glasses are truly evil people like i think they feel like they're better than everybody they are yeah especially when they like befriend octopuses and then they're like my friend's an octopus and you're like well i can't top that so uh so he's tell it's like 18 years later and he's had two years of hell and he's like worn out and he's just getting sick from all the pressure that's on him not really sure what the pressure is maybe the pressure to move into a house that's not getting knocked over by waves but he uh i guess i'm assuming it's from filmmaking etc and he just didn't want to see a camera or an edit suite ever again in his life my great purpose was in pieces yeah because he was a documentary filmmaker and he was choosing really dangerous shit to go document you know it's like just walk around the desert for months at a time to find out how to track a you know tiger or whatever so yeah yeah he was depressed and i guess once he went back to the real world he couldn't deal with an edit bay or something i don't know those are depressing places edit bays they really are no it is i mean this was 18 years after that but like i think that he just i don't know life caught up with him and i read in an article that he had like adrenal failure or something like that and he just wants to connect back into something and so you know what is that adrenal failure like what is that gland i don't know maybe i think i don't know i would i don't know maybe it's the adrenal system that gives you adrenaline i'm not sure maybe he's like i failed to be startled so he Nothing surprised me.

12:15I mean, I did grow up in a house that flooded every five minutes. When you wake up in the middle of the night because a wave has knocked your bunk bed on its side again, you stop getting startled by things. Once you've seen your family dog be swept away to sea. Once you wake up with a starfish on your face, you're no longer frightened.

12:40so he uh he basically is like he doesn't he's like he wants to be a good father to his son but he's like in a funk and he's like he he's like so i took inspiration from the trackers and from childhood and the only way i knew how to do it was to be in the ocean now that's normally the point where someone signs up for zumba you know it's a great time for zumba you can either plunge yourself into like vicious churning waves in the cape of storms that are like like negative 500 degrees or take zumba yeah like i'm older i'm slightly depressed adrenal shit's going on apparently my wife won't even be in the same room with me um you know i'll take a zumba class or start walking around the neighborhood board games like that i'm always an advocate for board games so there's a can but just like it's going to live in the ocean you know that's a little extreme crag yeah and he like chooses like the worst part of the ocean he is like literally it's it's it's it is a hellscape of water this these waves crashing and craggy rocks and it looks cold like it feels cold and he's like the water drops down eight to nine degrees celsius and you just have to relax and And then you'll get this beautiful time for 10 to 15 minutes when suddenly everything feels okay.

14:04I'm like, you're getting delirious. You're going into shock and you're delirious, Craig. You're literally dead, Craig. I think Craig died. I think this is all from his, like, yeah, his ghosts. Yeah, you're dead, Craig. Okay. Is someone going to tell Craig that he's dead? He's like, the cold upgrades the brain because you get a flood of chemicals every time you immerse. It's like, dude, if you had spent less time tracking and more time out with people, you would have found cocaine. Yeah, or cryotherapy. It's much easier. You don't have to swim. So then he starts talking about how it gets easier and easier and easier.

14:39And then he goes, after about a year, you start to crave the cold. I'm like, okay, Craig. All right, now you're getting annoying. All right, craving the cold water. So he finds calm water. We see him diving. And again, I mean, we're probably going to say this a hundred times during this. This is just a stunningly gorgeous film. I mean, it is beautiful. And I think he's shooting it all himself, right? I'm not sure because there was another director that was listed and her name was Pippa. So I think Pippa might be in the mix as well. I can't tell. But you think she was in the water? Because I think to get that intimate...

15:16Maybe she did the interviews. Yeah. Maybe she got like a director credit because she did interviews and maybe some of the nature footage. Yeah, because, I mean, he just shot this. I mean, it is just stunning. And I don't know how much color correction or whatever was done at the end, but I was, I mean, just totally taken away the whole time. Really gorgeous work. Okay, let's go back to making fun of stupid Craig. Yeah. So he's like, he's talking about how, like, swimming through the kelp forest is really cool because it's basically like, it's a forest, but you enter from the top and you can, it's basically like flying because, right, you're not bound by gravity.

15:48and you know we see all these jellyfish and and everything and he starts talking about getting he's like he goes you naturally just get more relaxed in the water i'm like uh i would not be more terrified than to be there like with only like my bathing suit on and a mask holding my breath while there are sharks swimming everywhere i would be that's not my idea of relaxing yes i mean and that's i think that's why depressed people do so well in the world because he's like just kill me what the fuck do i care oh do you think i care about jellyfish no i'm gonna go swim right in the middle of those jellyfish and let them surround my dead body and see if it's like it doesn't even occur to him like i could die right now because i'm standing i'm standing he's not wearing a wetsuit or anything either he's wearing his costco swimming shorts into the water and that's it yeah well he says having a scuba tank in a thick catharist is not optimal for me what because you don't like air is that is that not optimal being able to breathe hate air stupid air only pussies like air it's like if you really want to get close to an environment yeah it helps to not have a barrier and i'm like wow i wonder if firemen ever feel like that yeah yeah exactly it's like i want to be more like an amphibious animal like these goals that craig has i think we have to i think we need to get him to a career coach like so what would you like to be an amphibious animal um all right but you're not so what else would you like to be yeah uh rich amphibious animal okay you're getting closer okay so then we see like a penis fish we see all different kinds of fish i've never seen yeah there's some thing in a coil it was like it looked like a shark but it was like in a it was shaped like a donut or it's not shaped it like it was like biting its tail and it was like rolling around in a donut shape i was like that animal has to get it together because that's not good yes the shark eating his own tail it was like a little dog chasing his own tail but it was a shark and he had it in his mouth it was like a horror movie it was weird yeah he had identity issues he's like i wish i could be more like a land walking animal that's like me i want to be amphibious i'm figuring out the shark's mindset so he's like and suddenly i realized i've got the energy to take pictures and film again and so we We see all these beautiful shots.

18:04We see a fish eating a crab. And then we see the fish eating his tail. And then we just see all these different kinds of... Jellyfish and weird things. Yeah. We see all these really cool fish. It's like going to a party on Real Housewives of New York. Like all the people in the background who just sort of stare at the camera. It was like all those fish. Yeah. It's like basically Ramona's birthday party. We got 15 of my closest fish friends, okay? There's like one fish trying. We've all slept with him, okay? there's like one fish trying really hard for a look yeah there's like a little elise fish he just stands there in the middle of all this chaos going yeah she's the jellyfish

18:47those jellyfish i mean they're stunning creatures jellyfish what beautiful why do they have to be such dicks dude yeah they are dicks like but also does anyone eat jellyfish are there i'm sure there has to be a they have to have a predator right And I'm wondering, I actually am glad they have a predator because I feel like no one's here to fuck with you, jellyfish. So the fact that you're so aggressive makes me want someone to fuck with you. Yeah, and they only work in the water. Craig is privileged. He has water land privilege because he can do both and still stay alive. But a jellyfish, it just looks like a used water balloon.

19:24I was going to say used condom, but that's disgusting. But I did end up saying it, which, anyway, it doesn't look the same. when it comes out it's just all black just empty and stuff so let me see what do jellyfish eat and what eats them i'm i'm looking it up there's an article in the new york times that says who wants to eat a gooey jellyfish pretty much everyone in the ocean whoa so uh apparently um marine biologists had believed that jellyfish don't hold enough calories to be a significant part of the ocean's food chain but guess what okay everyone wants a jellyfish okay it's 50 my best jellyfishes okay that we all highly desired.

19:59I guess everyone eats them. It doesn't tell me that. Leatherback turtles and ocean sunfish are exceptionally big. I guess, do they eat the jellyfish? You know, sunfish. We talked about sunfish. But how they're dumb. Yeah, they're dummies. Maybe it's like a jalapeno in the fish world. It's just like a little sting. It's like a wonderful, it's a wonderful spice. Well, I feel like sometimes, yeah, fish, their relationship to pain is a little different than ours. I think that we're more babies. Like, fish are just like, oh, well, that sucked. Anyway, I'm hungry. No, don't say that. How could you want to eat a fish after this movie?

20:36Oh, my God. I've been eating fish, and I felt so fucking guilty. Okay, so the fish are, they show these fish that change color to wherever. I mean, it's so neat. And a big peach, it's like a big peach with a squirmy tail. Yeah. All these really weird fish. Weird, they're aliens. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial So then Craig is like I remember the day when it all started And then he basically starts talking about how he went to a He found this kelp forest And he's like Everything is murky But there's a small patch where you can dive And I saw a strange shape to the left Which is what this movie also could have been called Because like half this documentary is him saying and then I don't know what overcame me but I looked to my left and I saw a shape that I will never forget in the rest of my life.

21:29It's like every time, it's like he sees something to the left. To the left, to the left. Saw a strange shape to the left. So he sees this really strange thing and it is pretty cool. It's like a ball but with all these shells glued to it. It looks like a collection of shells. It looks like a second graders art project, basically. Yeah. Like someone was given a styrofoam ball and they had to glue shells on it. Yeah. Or like if the cast of Little Mermaid was going to go bowling, you know, like a seashell bowling ball or whatever. Yeah. It looked oddly delicious. And then these fish were like, what the hell's that?

22:08Hey, what the hell's that? Did you guys see that shell ball? Hey, did you see the shell ball? Let's go look at the shell ball. Yeah. Yeah. There's like three little fish who they just like, because you know, they have big dumb eyes. Fish are dumb. If I'm a fish and I see a strange ball that's larger than me that I've never seen before, I'm not going up to it. Like, how many nature, honestly, how many underwater videos do we have to watch of fish getting absolutely tricked all the time? It's like, oh, look, there's a lantern. Ah, I'm dead. You know, like, oh, look, there's like, this looks like a nice patch of sand that's curiously open.

22:40And then, boom, there's like a flounder underneath. It's like they're constantly getting startled by other shit. I mean, all you have to say is treasure chest. I mean fish are the only people left in the world that are like oh my god it's a treasure chest did you guys see the treasure chest I see it I see it let's go over there but we're always you know we're always told or I you know I'm always told or I feel like I've always learned that fish are dumb right like other animals are I don't know like they feel things or as a vegetarian I've I guess I've tricked myself into thinking that. Like, why is pescatarian a thing?

23:16Why can you only eat fish and not other things? And people are like, well, fish are on a different level. You know, they don't feel the same way. They don't have the same feelings that other animals do. And then after watching this, I feel like a murderer who's been tricked. Okay? Well, okay. So fine. Maybe apply that to octopuses, but then look at these stupid fish, just going right up to this shell. This crazy ball of shells. They're so cute. I love that they're so curious. You know, they're like, hey guys, this is something new in the neighborhood i've never you know i just figured fish have a neighborhood they don't have a neighborhood they just swim around dumbly and wait for something to eat them you know but they do they have like a little neighborhood and they're like something's new here guys we should check it out and then two of the other fish you're starting to make them sound like brandy glanville guys i'm glad that we gather here by this strange shell formation because i'd like to say that six months ago this shell formation and i we had sex yeah the shell for me she ate me out i've got the text to prove it and she said that you're a bitch so two of the fish are like i'm not staying by that stupid thing oh that's crazy i'm getting away from that and that one dumb fish is like no i want to taste it it's stupid but it's like it's like the like knowing that it might be food always outweighs the fact that it might be the end of your life always with fish it's like when you're cleaning the couch like what is that i guess i'll taste it you know fish are yeah it's like fish when they see a pebble oh man they're like i know it's a pebble i've i've seen all these pebbles on this floor but maybe for the first one in my life this pebble is actually food nope not food i'm gonna spit it out again every single time it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial I'm being totally freaked out right now because on my desk, I have little stuffed animals that people have given me over the years.

25:07I have a little Jiggy and I have a little Lucy Lucy Apple Juice. And I was moving them around. I just looked, you know, I was moving them out of the way for a water bottle. And I just turned around and Lucy Lucy Apple Juice is staring right into my eyes. Oh, wow. It's creepy. Wow. Look away from me. I can see why Dorit got rid of you. Wait. so so craig is looking at this shell ball and then suddenly an octopus flies out like the like the shells all drop it was and there's this octopus that had surrounded itself in a ball with all these shells and it flies away and craig's like at the time i didn't know i had witnessed something extraordinary i'd come at the end of a whole drama you think what on earth is this animal doing i think she's a little bit afraid of me so she lifts up this extremely slippery algae and wraps it like a cloak and she does she goes to this huge algae tree and wraps herself in it and then like peeks out with her little crazy alien eyes she looks very accessorized she's basically like so glamorous in that moment she just like wrapped in algae that was the moment when I was taking notes when I just named her Patty because I was like she's giving me like lots of Patty Lupone vibes like don't look at me right now I'm in my just wrapped my show and it's been curtain and i'm now here in my evening wear my evening gown i'm the octopus yeah it was a very like hey big spang bar like very like uh buxom yeah a moment for the octopus and it was so cute and then boom she was gone and then i wrote boom she was gone also oh did he say that i don't know but boom she was gone like she just got it out of there she just dropped her feather boa and her cloak and then he like jetted for it cigarette holder yeah she's jetting through the water and then she he never mentions this i don't think but they like blow brown is that ink is that squid ink i guess yeah well it's octopus ink yeah octopus ink i mean what does that do is it like when a skunk shoots you no it's just to like obscure obscure it's like to be like you can't see me you know and that is so patty lapone to be just like take like a jar of ink like ink that she has nearby and just like throw it in your face while she runs away i said no autographs i'll be there when i'll be there listen i'm a woman of the stage so so the octopus flies away and craig's like well i felt like there was something to this creature that was unusual there was something special about her she had a a fashion sense and i had this crazy idea what would happen if i abandoned my family for a year and visited an octopus instead every single day.

27:49What would happen if I brought this octopus to Chico's? I've seen what it can do with algae. What could it do with a nice wrap? What would happen if I interfered with this octopus's life and nearly got it killed a few times because of me? So day one. Initially, she was affected by my presence, so I thought I'll just leave the camera and get her going about a business. So he leaves the camera down there. No photos, please. No photos. Yeah, she's like, turn off your goddamn cell phones. I'm not here for your amusement. She just knocks the camera right over it. The camera's just like right there in her face, right by her den.

28:34And she just puts her tentacle and just like pulls it down. Like, enough. She's so cute. Like, she's kind of hiding from it with seashells. And then she like kind of touches it with a seashell. so she doesn't like get burned by it or whatever then she touches it and then she's like fuck that and she just turns it down she's just like yeah she literally she literally puts it down so then um uh and i was just like and while she's like getting used to this camera he is like you know roving around this area trying to understand the kelp forest and then he finds like this cave that's packed with pajama sharks they're like all crammed in there like a bunch of jill's errands and they're all like hi hi they suck they suck those sharks suck and they have these they're flat like they're flat in shape and then they have these eyes that look kind of like costume jewelry like that you know that jewelry is like painted with glittery paint yeah yeah eyes and then they have these like two little teeth that stick out in the front yeah they don't look like the brightest shark in the world they look like idiot sharks actually yeah they look like cartoonishly idiot idiot i did like their stripes there was something sort of cuddly about the stripes i know it seems odd because you know you know how sharks are like the worst but like in stuffed animal form they're kind of the best and the stripes were sort of like they kind of i was getting confused because i was getting like um stuffed animal feedback from the stripes but i was like no but it's a real shark so i fucking hate this shark but i i thought like There was something, I did kind of want to pet the shark in a weird way, because I think it was the stripes.

30:15Yeah, they did have cute stripes, and they also, I really did like their triangle work on their body, like the fins or whatever. They had, I think, seven or eight fins. Tons. Yeah, so they look from far away, you're like, wow, what a well-finned shark. That's so creative. But then you get up close to it, and you're like, ugh! And they're like the family in the chocolate factory. They're just all in the same bed. Yeah. You're like, oh my god, get another bed. They're also kind of like the burglars from Home Alone. Like, they've got just that kind of stupid energy about them. Like, there they go, bumbling around, trying to find Kevin again.

30:51Yeah, exactly. That is exactly right. I did not like... First of all, also, if I'm, like, in the ocean and I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna come into a cave and look, oh, there's, like, 15 sharks just hanging out in here. He was, like, way too chill about that. I'm like, that's when I start panicking and bonk my head at the top of the cave and probably die. I think that he's got serious problems at home. I mean, I think that you're right. Like, his wife, you never see his wife. His son doesn't really talk to him ever in the film. But we don't see his son until way later. And I think that he's on a suicide mission.

31:26And like, one day, someone's going to find my camera and see all this great work I did. I'm going to go hang out with the sharks. He goes to hang out with the sharks and watch them. And they're just such assholes. They're all fighting each other. They're all just, yeah. Yeah, they're just gross. And then they do everything by smell. And that's why they're in a bad mood, because they have really sensitive smells. And I think that would be the worst talent to have. That would be the worst gift is like an increased sense of smell. Everything stinks. Well, and also like in the ocean, like there's just like nothing but fish poop everywhere.

31:57Like it's all, it's like everywhere. The entire ocean is fish poop, especially down there on the floor. That's where all the poop lands. I mean I think we've all seen like a fish tank like that hasn't been cleaned and you see all that shit and you know like fish are really gross when they poop like have you ever seen a goldfish when it's pooping it has like this it looks like a line of like like a streamer like a party streamer just like coming out of its butt and you're like please just like finish with that and let it settle because I don't I cannot watch you swimming around this tank like you have a banner behind you advertising Coors Light like just drop your head yeah parading it around with a banner that says congratulations Aviva you did it You did it.

32:33You shat in the tank. So he's watching the sharks and they're smelling the octopus. So they're getting down into her little cave or her little dog bed or whatever it is. And she's so far up in there that she is just peeking out, but they can't reach her. And he's like, I'm thinking how long before something happens with these animals? I would hate it if I lure her out of her den and make her extremely vulnerable. I would hate that. And then I felt like that, too. I mean, I like him and everything, but I was like, don't get this bitch killed. Like, what are you thinking? She has a plan. Okay? She has a plan.

33:12Yeah. So, so. What stinks more than a human? I mean, why aren't they coming up to him to smell his old spice armpits, you know? If you think he wears deodorant, you are sadly mistaken. So, so now day 26. So the octopus, like, she's now like chilling out a little bit. and you know she's curious but she's not taking she's not taking stupid chances she's sort of like she's sort of like half in the den but she's sort of like she's like you know starting to like now like hey i'm gonna touch you you know and so like he'll put his hand out and then she like puts her tentacle out and like touches and it's like it's like a sade video it's like very underwater and sensual and like you know i started crying no did you yes it's this part i started crying because she's like holding on to the back of her little cave and just peeking out like in case he's a predator but then he reaches out her hand and then she reaches out her long arm and just starts like touching his arm and the music too i mean we can't underestimate the power of music in this it's like the most romantic shit you've ever heard i was like this is the sweetest thing i've ever seen I know.

34:25Part of me was wondering, am I just projecting some sort of human aspects onto this octopus? Was it just like, is there food here? Is this food? Is this food? Is there food under his arm? Sometimes I wonder if we are just projecting this emotion from the octopus, but it felt right. I don't think it's projecting because the octopus really did act like an animal. We've all spent time with some kind of animal, right? And so when you're getting to know an animal and they don't trust you at first, and it was making all the same moves as a rescue dog. And then when it starts to play around how it does it and lowers its head and kind of looks at you, I mean, it was so cute.

35:04And it just goes to show you, everything is alive, you guys. Stop eating it! Stop eating it! Stop eating Patty the Poned Octopus! And he's like, something happens when the animal makes contact. I like to call it an erection. I'm not proud I'm not proud but this is the natural world and at some point you have to breathe yeah and he's a person he's a your talker like when he tells stories he's like you were down in the water and you're looking around but at some point you have to breathe so you go up I'm like stop saying me because you're making this very scary because you're saying me and that makes me argue with him I'm like no I'm not No, I'm not.

35:47Don't tell me what I'm doing. How about that? So now the octopus is at the point where it's starting to come out of the den fully, and so now it's like full trust, and then we're watching the octopus swimming around, and that's when he starts talking about, like, they're quite amazing. They can look spiky, look smooth, look sexy, look beguiling. They can wear flats. They can wear tap shoes. They can wear a turban. page boy haircut have long braids down to the ground they have so many looks well I didn't know this about octopi or octopuses that they can do all that they grow little horns and the way it was changing colors as it like passed rocks or the way it hid from other things by looking just like the thing it was really neat and even matched texture yeah like max crazy change their textures to look like rock and stuff it's neat yeah it is really crazy and he's like but once in a while sometimes she takes out her two little legs and starts walking along this was so good because she right before right as he was saying this she curled up she curled all of her legs up to look like a big hairdo it was so cute yeah right and then she kind and moves and then two little legs come down and she looks like a lady in a big dress walking around.

37:18The old lady in a dress. Hey boys, I'm here. It's like this octopus strutting along. Yes, I've made myself look like a rock because I'm here to rock your world. Hit it, boys. She walks like a lady, haha. Because she really does. And then away she goes, just walking down the you know, the minute she walks in the joint. And the judgy fish is watching her like, that tramp. Look at that tramp walking down. Yeah, all those fish are so, they're so stupid, though, because they don't even realize it's the octopus, probably. They're like, who's this bitch walking around? Someone go tell the octopus. We've got trash in the neighborhood.

37:59So stupid. So this is when, you know, yeah, so this is when Craig tells us that she basically has one year to live. that's that's the that's that's the average um age or age range for uh or age length for an octopus so we know like he's already setting up like don't start thinking this is going to be a like a lifelong friendship because it's going to be it's not going to last that long well and he already looks like he's holding scissors in one hand just ready to end it on camera like this whole time feels like a last will and testament, you know? Yeah. How long do octopus live? Because do octopus...

38:41One to two years for a comic octopus. Three years. Well, octopus, I don't know. It just says average. Who knows? Wikipedia, anyone can change it. Patty might have gone on here and changed it. Tell me I'm going to live one day. I'm not going to have lost them all. I'm going to live forever. So I guess it's her age. Don't cry for me, coral reef. What's new, coral reef?

39:07Even as an octopus, she can't enunciate for shit. Here's to the octopuses who launch.

39:17So I guess at her age, while this was being shot, she probably only had like a year left. So this, she changes, oh wait, I keep going back to the lady in her dress. Okay, she puts her body in a strange form like a rock, and then two of the legs start moving again. like the rock is moving and then she changes into the wobbly extraordinary lady again and uh he's like perhaps she's trying to mimic algae or a fucking amazing broadway star sir maybe she just wants to serve a luck um well this is how she works the incredible creativity to deceive an octopus is essentially a snail that's lost its shell a soft animal that relies on intelligence she has no mother or father she's alone like oh my god you're killing me with this craig craig is falling in love so now it's day 52 and he starts talking about how you know if you're going to become friends with an octopus like your kit like your your camera kit and everything has to be perfect everything has to be instinct because you know you can't afford to make mistakes but unfortunately he was still making mistakes at that point because one day she was following me it was such an honor here she was a broadway star following me through the kelp forest and then suddenly my lens dropped and scared patty away and then she just like it's like fuck this shit i'm gone yeah and she ran and blew ink at him and it's like as she should you you could have kicked yourself stop it craig I could not have.

40:53That could have ended in the most incredible interaction. Have you ruined it forever? Will it ever trust you? And then I approached her too fast, and that's when she left the den and got a real fright and didn't come back to that den. I thought it was over. He's terrorizing her. It was gone. I know. In her documentary, it's like a girl talking in The Vow, you know? and then i tried to leave and they wouldn't leave me alone he said if i didn't come back there he was going to send everybody the video of me walking like a sexy lady down the street what are you talking about yeah her documentary is like so this guy this big thing is is creeping around i'm really not sure what the deal is with him i've like pretended to be nice i've pretended to be polite i've tried to sort of like look ugly dress down sort of look like an old lady in a coat he still follows me around and then the other day he just like throws some shit at me which i felt like was a threat and then i'm just hanging at my den and i'm like about to fall asleep and i wake up and he just comes like barging towards me and i'm like you know what enough with this guy i'm getting a straight like a restraining order and i'm done i'm done that's her documentary yeah he is pretty creepy so then it's very sad music because we're still on his point of view and And he's like, well, I had these amazing experiences with trekkers.

42:15I wondered if anyone could trek underwater. This animal has spent millions of years practicing how to be lost. I had to learn what octopus tracks looked like. It was so difficult. What's the difference between urchin tracks, fish tracks, worm tracks, egg casings? I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mark Hellenberger. I just want him to hold a flashlight above his head, you know, like a black light. I just wanted someone to just like maybe his wife just like find another octopus and just like put it down there and be like here can you just like stop like because she's like walked into like the living room and there's like a bulletin board with like all these it literally is like CSI or like the Golden State Killer or something there's like yarn from like wait a second I spoke to this piece of cap and it said it saw nothing but then this enemy said that it saw an octopus who's lying it's like okay the jellyfish said she last saw a beautiful woman in a sexy dress getting a burger at Innentrout.

43:15And there's this crab that shows this footage of this crab because he's looking everywhere and this crab pokes out of the sand like, seriously, WTF, could you just leave us alone? We don't know where the octopus is and honestly we don't care because honestly she wants to eat me so just please get away. Yeah, and then he's drawing a map of every little thing and it's like star maps, basically. and then um we see it like going across his goggles like a beautiful mind it's crazy he's like losing his mind over this yeah i wonder if they are going to make a movie out of this i'll bet they do with they will the guy from a beautiful mind what's his name russell crowe yeah this is no it'll probably i think it's a tom hardy this is total tom hardy to me he'll be like super serious you know and he'll be a lot yeah so then we get but they'll make it like really gross because it's hollywood okay like kate beckensdale or something like trying to look ugly that's like obviously like a beautiful hollywood actress yeah yeah so then we see the other crab arm and those are the animals she's fleeing and then he picks up a shell to study it and he's looking at everything that she ate and the marks that she's left in the sound and the changes in the patterns on the sand and the algae and all this stuff basically me playing animal crossing diving for like seashells and animal crossing within one or two meters i felt her i knew she was close to me now and then she's there well fuck it if you work this hard i might as well let him into my life so finally looking for a week day after day there she was yeah like a human friend waving and saying hello i'm excited to see you i could feel it except it's an octopus in a new den trying to get away from you so she puts out a tentacle like all right okay and so they're like they're happy and so then there's this actually really sweet scene where he like he puts out his hand and she's like fuck it i'm going for it and so she just like swims up and just like latches onto his hand and then he's like oh no but i have to breathe so he like goes up to the surface and he thinks that she's just gonna like let go and be like okay back to the den but instead she's like no i'm i want this this is a free ride to the surface i'm in i'm in and she rides his hand the whole way it was so cute it was that was so cute when she did that yeah and he's like and there i was staring into the eyes of this incredible creature and they just like sit there and be friends i guess for a long time and then she swims away from him and he's like it was different this part was kind of funny he's like it was difficult to see at first what she was getting out of the relationship i think it was pretty clear what she was getting out of it she's like oh sweet i have a giant thing that can protect me against those pajama sharks i'm gonna be friends with it because it will surely protect me anytime i need it to be protected that's the way animals work right um and he goes back down and he's like it's quite stimulating for that huge intelligence and they just stare at each other under the water and he's like you know somehow she understands that this thing's not dangerous so to do a little tango and i was like finally some dancing you know because she does like reach her arm out and then like he takes the arm and yeah and he's like maybe it does give you some sort of strange octopus level of joy like no you are now her defender she realizes this is a mutually beneficial relationship you can defend her and she can give you she's like i don't know what i can give you but you're defending me now okay you're part of this now she's giving you a film and you're giving her a defense yes uh so So he reaches out and she sits on his hand, and then she moves to his other hand.

47:17And then she goes to the surface again with him. And he's like, there's no greater feeling on us. And then she goes on his chest. That to me was remarkable, when she was just on his chest like a pet. Yes, like a little dog. Oh my god. Yeah, that was adorable. She rests for a while, they cuddle, basically, and then she swims away. And then we see him later standing by a tree. And he's like, all I could do all the time was think of her in water and on land. It became a bit of an obsession. You just want to visit her every day. And you want to see what's going on. You couldn't wait to get back in the water.

47:56Honey, are you talking about me or the octopus again? Oh, the octopus and not your wife? Silence, woman. God damn it. Okay. Well, I made you dinner again if you want to have it. I know. We do need another camera on the wife, for sure, for when he's gone. Well, Craig's gone again. Oh, really? So, Paige, what's going on with you and Craig? Well, he's been focused on someone else. Oh, really? Is it Diane down at the supermarket? No. An octopus. Oh. I don't know what to say about that, Paige. um so then he goes back and we get a close-up of her face and he's like what is she thinking does she dream and what about probably you saving her from sharks she's probably like i got the high life now i got a bodyguard so she's like excited uh and now he's like reading scientific papers about octopuses and he's like i did some research she's a common octopus a common one she's like fuck you i am patty okay i am doing a show every night down here in the kelp forest you don't even see because you don't even come visit me at night okay don't tell me don't tell me that i'm common i'm so glad you felt defensive for patty too because i really did i was like that's rude it's just a spectacular octopus yeah like she's just a common lonely octopus looking for any man to give her some attention okay she's not fantine okay she is a superstar yeah so two-thirds of her cognition is in her arms her entire body is thinking feeling exploring she's got two thousand suckers and using them independently you can compare her intelligence to a dog or a cat thanks a lot or even a lower primate daddy's like what part of me changing my entire body to look like five different shapes and like fitting into the colors for any texture says that i'm a lower primate bitch okay show me a dog turn into a rock in a dress last time i checked no cat rolled itself up in shells and fooled a bunch of fish yeah craig is very elitist you know and that's why i think he wears remless glasses and goes down into the ocean he's like oh look at hold of you can't even speak yeah he's like he's painting himself out to be like this amazing friend but he's actually so dismissive calling her a common octopus like belittling her intelligence and then going back home and being like oh i'm friends with an octopus and the octopus is like you are not you have not even asked me how i'm doing you just take pictures of me yeah you're objectifying me you're octopus you're octopously objectifying me yeah so he goes uh so he keeps talking about her and he's like mollusks shouldn't be this intelligent you're sounding gross craig like you're really sounding like you're really yeah i mean you're the one who's like swimming in this violent water who's the intelligent one here really yeah um he's like well you go you go into a place under under study and on a weekly basis you can find something new to science.

51:17And so we see more of him swimming around and then it's day 104 and it's the whale day. Yeah, which doesn't really mean that much. You just see some whales swimming and it's a full moon and he's decided that since octopuses are supposed to be nocturnal, he wants to see them at night. So he decides to do a night dive, which is even crazier than doing a day dive because it's like a day dive, but you can't see anything except what's in your little flashlight. So he's swimming around. It's a universal thing that the dark is fucking scary, right? Like, it's scary to us as humans. We're like, oh my god, the dark!

51:48Like, that's where every horror movie takes place. Like, we get that that's scary. It's also very scary in the ocean, okay? That's when all the scary shit happens in the ocean, too. Yeah, exactly. Have we learned nothing from, like, the Little Mermaid? Those eels, they really come out at night, I feel like. So he's just swimming around. He's like, it's a bit scary. I'm like, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. And you hear the whales. They're like, oh! in the background, you know? Yeah. And so he's like, he goes, and she's not in the den, of course, because this is like, this is when she, it's time to, this is when Patty eats, you know?

52:22Like, I don't want to be, don't show me eating, don't show me eating. I'm waiting till nighttime. No one can see me eating. One meal a day. That's right, boys. I'll keep this body forever. And she's basically, he finally finds her, and she's basically what you would imagine Patty Lapone doing to her staff. You! No, you. No, yeah, okay, come here. Come here. Okay, I've had enough of you. All right, bring me that. Bring me that glass. All right. All right. Now where's that memo? She's like jabbing with all her tentacles. I asked for a coffee, not for a toffee. She's like, Patty, your enunciation.

52:53You got to get better.

52:58So she's just like catching fish. That's what she's up to. Yeah. She's hunting and caught the neon jellyfish. Everything is so cool. It looks like it's made up. You know, it looks like a movie. I mean, it is a movie, but it looks like a fake movie. And so hyper alert because there's the sharks. Dun, dun, dun. And he's worried because she's not in the den. And I was going back to shore, but then something made me veer slightly to the left, to the left. It's always to the left. To the left, to the left. Right in the shallow water. Can't see what she's doing, but lightning fast strikes using her arm like this strange weapon.

53:36I was like, it's an octopus arm. It is a strange weapon. She's literally catching fish. She's eating. Yeah. And she's like rolling her arm up in a fraction of a second and then catching them. It's so cool. And he's like, I've never seen this in the day. It's different. The sharks. It's different for the sharks. It's more dangerous now. Because the dark, I guess the sharks are afraid of the dark or something. Is that what it is? I wasn't totally sure. I wasn't sure what was going on. But I guess it just was safer for her at night. Because, I don't know. Stupid sharks. Patty performs only at night, okay?

54:12Like, she's not a matinee person. Except for Mondays. We're dark on Mondays. So then we cut back to Craig, and he's sitting at his table, and he's just staring off. And he's like, the first instinct is to scare sharks away. But that's interfering with the process of the forest. I'm like, you've already interfered, okay? Because you're not a member there. And you've already made her feel like she can, like, hang out with you during the day because she has a protector. so you've already interfered so don't talk about interfering because you've already done it and you've already got your old spy smell all over her she's probably like the strongest smelling thing in the ocean you know and i don't want to blame him because he seems so nice but i just don't get i don't get what he's saying like yes it's bad to interfere with things in the forest but like if you see someone pull out a gun in a 7-eleven you know you want to interfere with like the nature of what's happening in the 7-eleven like protect you're already what did patty do yeah exactly you're already anthropomorphize anthropomorphizing this octopus so might as well just like see it through right yeah so he's like she was out of the den near the edge of the forest doing some press on the today show and that's when i saw the shark and so here comes jill zarin like hi so she comes jill zarin comes swimming through and so patty goes to hide you know and Patty not Patty's strongest moment Patty has really been on point with everything she's done, all documentary, but this is bad she just basically is like, oh I'm just gonna like sit in this crack where no one will ever be able to find me, but it's like the perfect crack for a pajama shark, you know Well, the shark are so stupid you just assume that they're always gonna be stupid, but even stupid people luck out sometimes, you know, look at that guy from Mall Cop So she hides in a leaf, like she wraps herself in a leaf and he's like oh i thought she's safe right under the rock but now there are two and now there's these fucking i hate these sharks i hate them they're terrible i hate them so much and then one of them she's in the crack but i guess not all the way in so one of them clamps down on one of her arms and it starts rolling around like a dog with a toy which is really obnoxious it's like a death roll yeah it's a death roll but it's like trying to be cute I'm like you're killing my friend it's not trying to be cute it's trying to be cute it's just doing that thing because I think that's what isn't that what alligators do too isn't that how alligators really get you they roll on you but they roll on you to crush you this thing I guess is I thought by doing that it sort of like stuns its prey the spinning whatever it is it's like when an animal starts spinning like that it's bad news yeah so they're like he's rolling around all over the ground turning over and over and I could clearly see her severed arm in its mouth.

57:01And I was so grossed out because it looked like calamari. I know. I was like, I felt bad because for a moment I was like, ooh, that looks kind of delicious. I was like, oh, you're a monster. I do love, honestly, I do love a grilled octopus. It's like, if you go to a Greek restaurant and you get some grilled octopus, it is like so divine. So I kind of felt bad because that's what it looked like. And I was like, ooh. And then I was like, no, no, no, that's Patty's arm. No, no, stupid. Jill Zarin, get out of there. Yeah, I was having such like vegan, vegetarian, flexitarian. I was having like a crisis the whole time, you know.

57:34So he chomps, the shark chomps down on it. And he's like, and then you have that terrible feeling in your stomach. And I'm like, finally, at least we're on the same page now. I do have that terrible feeling in my stomach. So now Patty's like, okay, but now she's like weak. And so now she's just like, she's like, uh, and she's like, thanks a lot for the help. I mean, I befriended you for a reason. You just stood there and watched while this fucking shark ripped my arm off. And I'm just supposed to sit here and we're supposed to be cool. No, thanks. I'm going to my den. And not only watch, but watch with a fucking camera.

58:07You know, it's like all the crimes we see committed. Like you see Twitter videos and you're like, why was nobody helping? You know, like, how are you all sitting there with your cell phones out watching this terrible shit happen? And she's probably thinking the same thing about him. Like, you're filming me now, Craig. and then he's like i wanted to help her back to the den but i didn't need to like well oh oh a little little too little too late okay craig if you wanted to help you should have helped with the shark yeah sorry i let your arm get eaten off can i give you a ride home like no craig

58:40and he's like i didn't know what would happen to her would they finish her off that night well it's a question you wouldn't have to ask if you just intervened in the first place yeah make an effort fucking Craig seriously so she closes her eyes under the rock and I'm crying again I cried like 10 times in this movie so I'm crying I'm like this poor thing and like her friend betrayed her and he comes up for breath and he's like he's so depressed so to in his you know to his credit he's depressed he's like I didn't know what was going to happen to her was this going to make her weak and vulnerable and finish her off I couldn't help but feeling am I responsible for this yeah Yes.

59:17Yes, you are. You are. And then he's like, I felt like it's something that had happened to me. No, are all your limbs intact? It did not happen to you. And he's like, I started to think about my own death, my own vulnerability. My child, what's his face? What's his name again? Who's his mother? Tiny little pooper man, whatever he is. No, I hadn't been an overly sentimental person towards animals before, but she was teaching me to become sensitized to the other. And I thought that was really sweet. And I also thought it was funny that he's like, I'm going through my own dismembering as I walk to get myself a cup of coffee.

59:56Like, Craig. Also, you're not that sentimental because you let your friend's arm get ripped off by a shark. so yeah and also i was thinking about real estate like how much does that place cost because wow i mean this place was amazing i mean we the house looked beautiful oh i thought about the octopus den i was like i thought you're making a joke about the octopus den no that's like the underground parking of an apartment but this place his house is gorgeous gorgeous and he's like look at me so depressed and he's looking out on this balcony that looks over the entire ocean i mean it's stunning it is beautiful but then i was like but you can't plug in a tv because you live with the water line so is it worth having this beautiful of a place if you can't even watch tv seriously well they probably don't believe in tv okay they're probably like they read books yeah they had to like drive into the city's applebee's to watch this on netflix yeah so then um so he goes back to visit her the next day and he's all scared and she's alive and breathing but she's weak and she's dull and white she doesn't even have the energy to change colors so he's like i know i shouldn't interfere but i must so i got her an appetizer here a muscle i'm like oh so now it was cute but i'm also like oh so now it's okay to interfere you're allowed to like like you're gonna serve her a muscle okay looks delicious where's the aioli where's the aioli yeah and he opens it for her it's really cute he's like yours not feeling well let me open this muscle for you but it's such a man thing to do isn't it it's like he cheats on you and then he brings you chocolates the next day like oh that fixes everything craig yeah the muscle fixes everything and meanwhile the muscles are like what what did i do to deserve this i felt so bad when she was all dull and white it was like in cocoon where they were all young and vibrant and then they turned old again and died it was like it was like those last shots you know yeah so i never saw Cocoon, but I did recently read the plot description on Wikipedia, and that's really not a lie.

1:01:56It sounds like I'm making a joke, but I went on a strange journey about Cocoon. Okay, so you have to watch Cocoon, Steel Magnolias, and The Color Purple. Oh my god, I'm just going to be crying all day. Well, Cocoon is more of a comedy. I mean, it's got some drama in it, but it's more of a comedy. But there's death. They die, but... You know, I'm very sentimental these days, even though I haven't cried yet in this movie. I get sentimental when I think about death, and it makes me really tear up very quickly. Ben, you're talking about wanting to eat an octopus while you're watching an octopus. Human death.

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