#3135 My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays

0:25Hello, everybody. Welcome to part two of the reality gaze. Watch what crap happens. Crossover. It's part two of a glorious movie. We hope you love it. The eviction notice, I'm surprised there wasn't that there. So anyway, while the landlady is, Dora Lee is being like, where's the money? All of a sudden we hear a blood curdling scream. Just like, hi! Like it is, there's an intruder somewhere, a knife, there was an accident, a knife accident, something terrible. And Zoe is, I'm not Zoe, but. Taylor is like, she runs down the hall, and of course Dara Lee knows it's all bullshit. She's like, okay, you know what, by the way, this daughter in distress thing, yeah, it's getting kind of old.

1:07You can't pull this shit on me. If we're reading the text of this, what does it tell us? That these two are fucking drama queens, and that this girl is always screaming in the apartment, and she still had a free four months. And this lady is like, listen, I'm just going to tell you the nicest way I can, as far as your excuses. I don't care! Like she sings it. That's a great line. That was the best. Yeah. So I like that. She actually, she sold. Dialogue might be a little wonky. Someone else, someone else as esteemed as this actress would not have been able to sell a line like that. But she did it.

1:44Yeah. I guarantee they did not say that she should sing that line. No. And she made that choice. She made that choice. And it was so good. When she sang that, I was like, not only is this lady so good so quickly, but she also should be on Broadway. Please pass her in something. She went in the key of, I don't care. And everyone on set went, oh. We had no idea. Diana Maria Riva. Look at that. Someone's a groundling. The daughter shrieks and she runs in and she says, are you okay, Zoe? She's like, I got in. I got into Sun Peak Snowboard Academy. Oh, wow. Can't wait until you learn to do brain surgery over there.

2:29We can unpack the idea. By the way, I looked up if there are any snowboarding schools. Turns out most people just take a couple of lessons. So this is where the whole premise falls apart for me of the entire movie. Snowboarding Academy. This is where they're like, we got to bring in the young people to watch this. So let's have a snowboarding academy It can only be for like four weeks, right? Because it's at this resort The resort can't be open for that long But it's so expensive Well, Canada, it could be open for fucking six months But it's set We don't know where we are You mean to tell me this girl Got to be so good at snowboarding That she was able to get into snowboard academy And yet this local academy She doesn't have Why do you even need the academy at this point?

3:18You have access to the mountain It's going to be an Olympian. How did she get in? How did she – did she do a virtual audition? I don't know. It was an essay. Exactly. What do you mean you got in? It's all on video now. So that's what's even true here is she just had to like be in her living room on that snowboard selling it. Snowboard. Yeah, like how many followers do you have? How many followers do you have? Yeah. It's your audience. I just want to ask all of you, though, let's get on Santa's sleigh and take a ride to delusion land, if we may. And I want to ask you, because the way this school academy is treated, that this is the Princeton, the Harvard of snowboarding schools, which I don't think exist.

4:06So I want to ask all of you, if you get into the Sun Peak, whatever, Snowboarding Academy, what changes in your life? Where do you end up? Where does it catapult you? With a broken ass or a broken back like it does with that girl. It's really more about the alumni networking, really. It's all about a hand up and a hand out. If you find yourself in Calgary and you're looking for a job and you find someone else who's at the academy, like you said. Sunpeak. They have a secret sign. I just wish I knew her in real life so I could say, listen, your mom already has a homeless van to move into. Could we try nursing?

4:54Like let's give up snowboarding school for a while. The other part of this is, so mom, so the daughter obviously knows they're not in the best of financial places. She just wants to make her mother feel terrible. I think the daughter is one of the villains in this movie. A hundred percent. Especially because of her shifting age. Especially because there's no actual villains in the movie, which is hard for creating. Exactly. Well, she's like that girl who pretended to be a child so that she could get adopted. But then they were like, she was an adult. Yes. Oh, what was her name? Orphan. Yeah, no, that was the basis of it.

5:34But like, what was her name? She was like the Russian girl. Margaret something Grace. Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Yeah, yeah. So she's really doing that. She's just working against her the whole time. Because every time the daughter's with her, she's nice. But then the daughter's behind her back and she's like, my fucking loser mom. and she's passive aggressive to her mom yeah and basically this awful academy is like congrats you got in and here's how much you'll have to pay to join us because it's all in one letter which is not how welcome letters work and it's like hey so Taylor's like oh my god I'm so proud of you are they going to be doing any SAT prep for you or you're just snowboarding all day you are thinking about your future still right and she's like yeah I got in this is the most prestigious snowboard academy in town.

6:22Again, I don't know what the fuck any of this means. Can I also say that she said, oh, that's a lot of zeros. And I wrote down, we're going to see something later on where they ask her how much she costs and she just shows it to them on a phone. And I said, can this woman not determine the relationship between a numeral and cost? Like, can she not understand Arabic numerals and how they work? Because she can't even say the cost to her brother and his partner. Like, he's like, here, read this. I don't really know either. I can't understand how much it costs. Look, this movie might be a classic, and if they're still showing it in 25 years, we don't want to be embarrassed by this value being depreciated.

7:04How much did they go out of their way not to say how much it cost? Yeah, but they said a lot of zeros. So if there's a lot of zeros, that's at least 10 grand, right? So how much did you make being Santa for two weeks? Is that a well-being gig? Well, she got 50 % off. Well, remember you got half off. She ends up being a billionaire, so I think it got taken care of. I'm going to say for this Academy, it was$80 ,000. I'm going to say it's$80 ,000 a year. But she says I can swing $40 ,000. I don't think she can swing$10 ,000. I haven't even paid rent for four months, but I can pay half of it. What?

7:47No, you can't. I will say, Santas make a lot of money, because I remember when I worked at the Quail Springs Mall at the Clinique counter in Oklahoma City, that it was... Girl, Santa was like, you are not sitting over here on my lap again, Clinique. Go back. Go back. We, I met Santa because they, he used the break room in the Dillard's that I worked at. It's got to be so creepy to see someone He's a biker, totally biker guy. He would come and smoke cigarettes and everything. And this was his entire job for the entire year. He worked basically just one month. And in that, he lived on that entire salary for the rest of his life.

8:31Just to remind you, he didn't just have that job at Quail Springs Mall. He did other things. No, he was only the Quail Springs Santa. It was exclusive. Do y 'all sometimes doubt? No, this wasn't. Malls, at least. I don't know how they are. I'm telling you, the Santa at the Grove, I bet you, is not at any other mall. Caruso, lock that down. I'm telling you, he works one month a year. One month a year, and that's enough for him to ride his back around the country and see his bike friends. Wow. I guess I need to be a Santa. Well, I mean, if you lean into my stereotype a little harder here, I should be something.

9:12Well, I crunched some numbers just now. And I was like, okay. The way that they're talking about this No Board Academy, I was like, let me find what tuition costs for a comparable experience. So I looked up what the tuition is for Phillips Exeter Academy. And for a... Yeah. It's about$70 ,000, just under$70 ,000 a year for boarding students. And it's about$55 ,000 for day students. So we're going to say she would be considered a day student because we see she goes back to her apartment. So we're going to say it's about a$55 ,000 tuition to go to Snowboarding Academy. So that is quite high. But it's only$25 ,000 because she works for them.

9:52I could not. By the way, we never really said she never ended up claiming Zoe as her daughter as Santa. Yeah, how does that work? How does that work? We never saw that. We just saw they hired her with no background check. Oh my God, you're right. So the whole point of her getting the job, we never saw how she hoodwinked them. You're right. That's a huge flaw in this movie. And to them believing that that was her daughter. When he goes, jingle bells, ho, ho, ho, this is my daughter. Yeah. So actually what – so for people who may not have watched this movie, what is about to come out is the revelation that this tuition is incredibly high, especially for an academy that is not going to prepare this girl for college.

10:38Yeah. But you can get a 50 % discount if you work at the resort that this academy is linked to. This is provided by the exposition gays who tell us who literally exposition. If you're wondering what the hell we're talking about, that's what we're talking about here. But we're saying that if you work there, your children get the discount. But we actually never had a scene where she actually tells the hotel, I have a child who is going to your academy. And I thought that they actually did a good job when I was watching it because at the end they did explain like, oh, she did use her social security number.

11:23And it came up as her real name. She just used a fake name but her real social security number. But still I was like, this doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they do a background check? Wouldn't they do this? But they explained why they didn't do it. Ryan Eggold said, don't we need a background check for something like this? And Tia Mowry went, we don't have the time. We don't have time. We don't have time. Is this a predator or not? Well, because maybe she was sitting on his bed for a couple of hours. We don't need to check up on him. That was the craziest thing. When she's like, the tree lining is in three hours.

11:54We ain't got the time. Especially in this day and age. Yeah. Right? Listen, we're losing traction to the Santa that's across the way at the Klotz cookie company. We can't lose any more customers. So now, so Taylor is like, ugh, I have to make money somehow. Yeah, by the way, and really fuck this kid. This kid knows exactly how poor they are. I totally agree. I need to go to a snowboard academy. No. It's fine, mom. I don't have to do that. There is nothing worse than a child with dreams. Amen. But I was like, Taylor, put your foot down a little bit. Taylor was acting like she can't disappoint her child.

12:35No, the child's already disappointed. Exactly. So put your foot down and be like, no, you're going to school, actually. You're not going to snowboarding academy. Or like get a part-time job, you know what I mean? Right. Like work at a pliable. You're 15. Also, we're just like, why aren't kids working these days? Lower that work age. Seriously. I've got a five-year-old who made this iPhone, and it's the best thing I've ever done. You're telling me you can't go mix a smoothie? Those tiny fingers, really. Just get into all those spots. To make all my favorite clothes at Old Navy. Rather than doing something like saying, hey, if you want to go to Snowboarding Academy, that's fine, but you need to get a job too.

13:14Instead, she goes and brings her albums to the local record store because in this Christmas-oriented town, there also happens to be a cool trendy record store. used vinyl store with a guy who really thought he wanted that Jack Black role in High Fidelity. He did. God bless his heart. You know, bless his heart. But I know if I could have done that. I just saw her going to that used record store and I was like, you are in a poor mindset. You've got to change your mindset because this is like, and this is what you want to do to save Christmas is to go sell your old fucking 10 cent record. No, girl, come on.

13:49Get some OnlyFans going. I like when her daughter was like, are you going to – don't sign up for OnlyFans. Her daughter was like, please go. Are you going to do some OnlyFans shit? Because that is the modern thing. That was an edit. That was an edit that they put in to modernize this because this was written in 2002. Because that's what you would do today. My nieces, when they were still having to go through the school line where you picked them up, my sister was like, this lady in front of me in this big suburban with the kids on the back, the stickers of the kids on the back, the stick figures.

14:19Yeah. She had written on her car, like in the paint. You know how you can paint on the car? Usually seniors do it to be like, just graduated. But she painted her OnlyFans account. And then she had a sticker made of like a QR code to go to her OnlyFans. And all the moms were pissed because, you know, the dads are on the line. Going to the OnlyFans. It's so fucking smart. But I mean, it's normal that they're doing it in freaking Lakeway, Texas. So, I mean. Oh, you know somebody dead? Did that just out of curiosity? I'm sure also like drive Uber like drive Uber do Postmates like there's like the gig economy is real and she's like oh I guess I'm just going to have to get some prosthetics and become a fake Santa Claus well at least I was creative I'm talking about the record selling I'm like there's just so much more you're just saying you're making an effort without really doing anything oh my god I sold my Eagles album like nobody cares also maybe downsize maybe downsize exactly because she's because look so the whole thing is that she this is someone who she doesn't have a job.

15:21She doesn't have any money. And we go into her very spacious apartment and it is like gorgeous in there. It's like going into a showroom for room and board. And I'm like, uh. No, it is not. And saying that this lady can downsize is crazy. You guys called this a flop house 10 minutes ago. I call it a flop house. No, Jake said that. The outside looked like a flop house to me. I thought it looked fine on the inside. I didn't think it was crazy nice. But it's not the kind of apartment you can be like, I'm going to downsize. What are you going to do? You're going to be living in a tent. In a hallway.

15:52In a hallway. This should have been a montage of her doing things like selling off, having a yard sale, doing things that made the stakes higher. Judging up the other montage that we see later, the director doesn't actually know what a montage is. Yeah. That's another story. I think what didn't match for me was she shows up and she's in her old blue van because that's all she can have. But then her apartment is like very lovely. It's like, it's, it's like, this is not a blue van driving apartment. It's, it's, it's like middle of the road. Totally. It's, it's not like the gays apartment. I think the gays apartment, like they've got money.

16:32That's like dink money. That's still income. No kids. That's no kids money right there. That's what dink is. I was like, why are we talking about Dinkins? Living that dink life. Well, that makes me feel, it makes me feel sad. Cause I guess I'm sink. What's Dink? In so many ways. Single income, no kids. Sink. That's not a thing. I love single income, no kids. Sink. Yeah. I'm a dink. I love it. Dink. It's a thing. I just looked it up. Living that dink knife. Sink life. Sink life. Sink life. Matt, how is this going to affect Sink Talk? Sink. so she brings her records in she brings her records in to sell she's trying to like get some money and then there's this guy who's in this very stylish like overcoat or whatever with the collar up and he's got like his stubble joe cool joe cool and he's like whoa screaming kittens which is by the way funny that she's had the screaming kittens the entire time and her own daughter is so disinterested in her mom anything her mother does she hasn't even looked at these albums that have been their entire life.

17:44Which would have made sense a few years ago because like who has vinyls? But now vinyls, they all have vinyls. And they're like$50 by the way. They're so expensive. So this whole scene was kind of weird because vinyls are back and you could actually sell those for decent money now. But in this show, they're like, vinyls? Who has those? I'll give you 10 cents. Can I tell you something? I bought a record player for Dom like two years ago. And we're like, this will be for like the holidays. And we set it up. And it's fun. and we got some we went to amoeba i got like a sade vinyl and i got a fleet with mac vinyl i got all the basic you know vinyls like this is so fun put it on and like it's like oh how cool listening to vinyl at the house and it's playing and then like after like three songs it's like please turn me over i'm like oh okay i'll just walk over there turn it over and i'm gonna go back to the kitchen now and i'm like oh uh time for the next album okay it was a simpler time and I'm like fuck this shit I'll go back to that record player every five seconds it takes a lot more work I will say you have to be it's more about dedicated to listening to in a certain way I totally agree with you but I love mine the phone rings and you're like stop the music and it just keeps playing stop the music Alexa stop it's like four different because now of course like growing up you know song like an album was catered to the size of an album like like what the actual vinyl could hold but now like it's like so here's the vinyl version of my favorite my favorite album it's like oh this cost this is like to listen the whole album is like three vinyls to get through to flip over and like oh my god talks about this in detail in her biography gay fascinating no she talks about how they were limit how they were so limited on song choices back then because of because of the records and also she talked about the way that the sound mix like the different materials you could use for records and that it produced she went all in this whole detail about it.

19:47It's a wonderful biography. That's really cool. I was going to say, isn't it like almost a thousand? I listened to the audio book and it's 48 hours but it's like, but it's 48 hours of your Jewish aunt reading you a story of her life and intermittently ad-libbing full on because I looked, they're not in the book Basically like every like hour She goes off about some type of food That she loves Oh I love that It's great Pastrami at Nathan's She should have won the Grammy for it But Jimmy Carter died So he won it Oh gross Always the sympathy award Yeah Seriously Need to die in order to get a Grammy these days True It's time for a commercial It's time for a Crappins commercial show.

20:35So this guy who we later find out his name is Matthew. He's like, you're selling the screaming kittens. That's crazy. These guys are legends. She's like, but why would you like them? They only have one album. They're such losers who have loser kids who drain their mom's money. And he's like, no, but look, like check out this lead singer. She was amazing. She inspired me to pick up the guitar. I bet she's like, I never should. I inspired a single guy to pick up guitar to try and get some more free Poussey say, I'm so proud of myself. I do have to say, this whole bio does not track with anything we learn later about him.

21:15But more to be said with that later. Well, they do have him playing the guitar randomly later. It's like, remember you said he was playing the guitar? Also dressed like he just walked out of J.Crew. Yes. And he's like, yeah. What's an old version of that? Brooks Brothers. Yeah, yeah. Brooks Brothers. Yeah. You know, it's funny. Part of me wonders that the actor, was this like one of those actors who's like, hey, you know, since we're shooting this scene with like guitar, you know, I actually love playing guitar. Totally. Totally. You know? Totally. The good singer. No actors love doing that shit.

21:45This was something he volunteered. I act and sing. Well, I can totally be up there and sing with her. Totally. Yeah. And they're like, well, it wasn't really the plan, but. But, you know. They had to have him love. He's the biggest name in the movie. Yeah. I mean, it's like I fully believe that A Star Is Born exists as a movie solely so that way like Bradley, what's his face, could like cosplay as a rock star because he like picked up a guitar once. The studio went fine. Make whatever movie you want. Okay. So he's really into that and he recognizes her. From the illustration. That was another time.

22:25Yeah. Well, I mean, it's a different time. So, you know, you wouldn't necessarily recognize someone. It's not like. He's an idiot. No. Yeah. And he's like, wait, but you should do this again. And she's like, no, I can't. No, I can't. He's like, wait, but you should. No, I can't. And she's like, I got to go. She runs out. And she goes, bye. But also he's like, what happened to your blue hair? You fucking idiots. 25 years later. You changed it up. I put it all onto my van. It is funny how people don't let people. That is true. though, like I was just watching an interview with oh, what's her name?

23:06I hate this. All About the Bass Girl. Jenny Garth. Meghan Trainor. And Meghan Trainor, as you know, is thin now. And so she was like writing things like people are writing on my Instagram and she was like saying, but you were the bass girl. What happened to that bass? And she went, I was 19. I'm 32 now. There is this ridiculousness You gotta be one thing You gotta be one thing Yeah That's funny Get off my ass I didn't realize it was that long ago I'm still so fucking terrorized By that song That song still comes on It still pisses me off every time it comes on Why do you get to get over it If I don't get to get over it Until you stop fucking brain fucking me with that song, you don't get to run away from it.

23:58You don't get to be like, it's over now because it's still in my mind. No treble. And all her subsequent songs came out in 2014. Yeah, and all her subsequent songs are just variations of that song. You know, everything is pretty much like out of all about that window, about that window, no doors. Wait a second. Her songs are all like, I'm hot, I'm hot, you can't have me because I'm hot, I'm hot. Oh yeah, I'm a girl, I'm hot You think I'm a girl Cause I'm singing like a black girl too Yeah, she's like hot, hot, hot What's that one? What's my sign? No Can I have your number? No Shut up, Meghan Trainor, get off my Amazon So Just gonna play her more now Before she runs out, he does ask her Why did you What about your band?

24:50Don't you love being in a band? And she's like, well you can't be a rock star and a mom at the same time like wow uh i'm like well tell that to courtney courtney i literally saw linda perry with your kid uh i think tell it to pink i think you get a little bit of of her of her complete and utter like just depths of depression here um where also like where is the resentment towards the child i feel i feel like everything about this movie is like she had a dream she's doing something amazing and spectacular and she had to give literally up everything for this daughter and now this daughter is going to literally force her to do the craziest thing in the world just because she wants to go to some stupid snowboard academy and she's like not even mad at the kid and she doesn't seem like she wants to sing she doesn't even seem like she really enjoyed being a rock star it's like yeah that was a long time ago Like even in the acting in it, she's like, yep, that was a different time.

25:51Fuck all. She was forced into whatever. It was a bizarre choice and I kind of wish they had made it to where – because I mean I do think they put it on the daughter. Like, well, you can't be a mom too. I had to give up my dreams for my kid. But I wish they had made it like – I don't know. Like I never really believed in myself and I never gave myself the chance. I mean I wish she had like some kind of a turn. Because I felt like the subtext was blaming it on the kid. like I don't think she ever took a moment of responsibility like wow I blame my whole life on my kid instead of me not getting my shit together and still going after it you know like we had computers since that kid was born you could have been there on your Ableton Live or whatever your garage band like come on man like what kind of inspiration is this supposed to be exactly and also it's setting up this implication that like whatever family business has to be saved at the end because it's always a family business she is going to step back into her rock star roots somehow and like tap into her own talent and fame and use her fans to come in and save some sort of business.

26:51And again, spoiler alert, that never happens. Right, never happens. That she sings like, you know, a Christmas song at the end. And that like has, and it has nothing to do with moving the story forward or backwards. And it's not the kind of music she did before. It is total like Run Run Rudolph, which is a rock kind of blues song. It was like a - Sorry, they should have talked about in the thing. I loved that Christmas album or something that your rock band did and then she sang the fucking Christmas song at the end there you go not fucking Run Run Rudolph Run Run Rudolph which is like the only people who like those Run Run Rudolph are like boomers who are wearing 65 Run Run Rudolph is a MAGA Christmas song no one likes that song no one likes run run rudolph i'm sorry now and rudolph is an immigrant yeah run it's a warning it's a warning support rudolph yeah we're taking it over but yeah i would have liked some like punk christmas or a punk version i totally agree i actually think that's like a legitimate note this was not a snarky note because we're recapping i'm like legitimately it should have been like the like the like the screamo version like the sound like the fucking clash and it should have been like the whole time whenever that band gets up there and plays like to sort of their safe like you know dad rock music that she's like oh this is awful I can't listen to this and then finally she gets up there and she's like let me show you how you really do it's like

28:30you know and like like crazy also y 'all I hate to tell everyone we're going to spoil this. That was not her voice. It wasn't? She decided no. Why didn't they find a real punk kind of voice to do it? Because even that she's like... It was a rock voice. They asked her... It was Diana Maria Riva all the time. It's like, don't worry guys. They asked her to sing and she said, no, I'm too scared. And so they hired someone to, they had, now he sang, he sang that. You could tell it was him. Yeah, he sang good. And, and he played guitar. And at the end she said, do you notice her bad guitar playing? She's like, I actually knew how to guitar play.

29:20I knew how to play the guitar, but it was so cold. My hand, I just, just kind of kept my hands in the same place. So did you read like an article about this? Yes. Like, how did you find this out? You know how it came up? Fucking Facebook or something like that. because I just been talking about this movie. It's like, Alexander Breckenridge talks about the movie because they hear everything. And it said she did not think that's on. That's definitely a Facebook post. So this is real tea. I am spilling tea on the live. You are spilling hot cocoa. I'm spilling hot cocoa, the HC. Well, funny that you mentioned that because...

29:59We can talk about hot cocoa. So he chases her outside and he's like, well, I haven't been in this town for years. Should I go after her? Don't fuck up this line. How many times do you think this guy said, I think so wrong? Because he was high. Like he went, yeah, go. And they're like, cut. The line is, I think so. Go follow her. I think it's a lot. Yeah, so he had to run out after her. And he's like, whoa, whoa, screaming kittens, screaming kittens. Let's get the band back together. She's like, yeah, I'm a mom, so my dreams are dead. So you want to get some hot chocolate? This guy's not asked for hot chocolate He's being like where can I get some whiskey and some coke Can I say We have to stop this bullshit Of hot chocolate for everything It makes everything feel so chaste And It's just ridiculous They're gonna fuck later I love hot chocolate I love hot chocolate At the very least he's saying What about some Irish coffee Hot butter rum hot butter with eggnog spiked.

31:00Or like some heroin. I mean, the whole hot chocolate thing in 2025, at least half of the population is lactose intolerant. I mean, you're basically asking somebody to a farty party. Why are you inviting farts before we've even dated? The whole idea of this guy, who is a complete bad boy, wondering where he can find some hot chocolate. He would say, where can I score in this town? Where can I score? Hey, Screaming Kitten, where's the good coke? I mean, she's from a punk band. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. And here's a note that I have for the story, which is that we find out in a subsequent scene that he's like a full Brandon Davis disaster.

31:43Total Brandon Davis. Bloated coke face. He's like a disaster, and he needs to get his act together. I truly wish this movie had shown us that. and like when we first meet him he is a disaster and he's like brash and cocky and disgusting and he is like maybe drunk or whatever it is and then we see him get his shit together because of her because when we meet him he's actually like like you said like he's Brooks Brothers and pretty like on top of shit he's just like a guy who like works a finance job somewhere. And then in that next scene we're like oh you're a fuck up you're like he's normally like a normal charming guy and then and then he goes his pickup line is, hey, we can debate guitar solos and talk about our favorite Christmas songs.

32:30Which is so almost like, this is not even a Hallmark movie. This is like Great American Country. Or like, or, like, that's how Christian this is. Like, it's nuts. That kind of dialogue. This is not a guy who goes to Europe and like bangs prostitutes in Rome. And like does like coke off the dashboard. This is not someone who's killed four hookers and sank their bodies in the Mediterranean. Yeah, this is like, it's like you meet this guy in Saint-Tropez or wherever, and it's like, oh my god, yeah, what are you doing, you bad boy? He's like, hey, want to talk about our favorite books? Exactly. Talk about our favorite Christmas songs.

33:10What the fuck? Yeah. So, she's like, does this work for you? Why did she say that? I don't know. So, she's like, my life is a balancing act, and I'm just not dating it right now. I'm not dating. personally yeah and he's like oh it's just two people having hot chocolate that's gonna come back later she's like well there's a bistro at the end of the block there's not a bistro in that town there's a subway sandwich and they don't have hot chocolate over there and it's Swiss Miss yeah so even though this is the only hot guy in town that she's probably seen in like three years she's like I can't do this I can't that was weird though right that there were no other hot guys in town there was no usually in these you get other cute guys nothing the other thing is one it's not it's never really explained why we find out later that she she got pregnant in school dropped out um never really it's it's not really clear if she ever dated again um after that she was busy but the idea that she is completely like she's so soured on dating or relationships we don't it comes from nowhere there's no story about how her she only says that the guy her father of her kid just left and that's all it wasn't that it made me sad or she just left and like i just closed the shop that's it well he became a rock star right wasn't it that he be he wanted to be a rock star or something he started You don't know, but you can't have it.

34:54Yeah, he went off and found the life of music. Well, I wish this movie, again, if I had written it, well, we would have done a lot of things differently, but I would have actually - A lot more gay sex. Well, the B story would have been, because there wasn't really a B story hardly at all in this movie, like a little bit with the neighbor wanting to fuck old Santas. But I would have had the B story is she broke up from her band. She misses the band members. And Tia Mowry is one of the fucking band members because she actually sings. They actually used to be in a girl group. That would have been good.

35:30And then she was trying to trick her the whole time and stuff. Where do I know this girl from? Yes. And then it would have made them like whatever. With the daughter at the end, with the other daughter in the end. Oh, my God. That would have made more sense. And it's like, oh my God, you got through to my daughter. Now we can be friends. But then like the entire time I'm watching this and I'm thinking to myself, okay, so they're setting up something where she's like a punk singer, but she doesn't want to get on stage anymore. So she's going to sing later on as a punker. But also this is supposed to be some, like a Mrs.

35:59Doubtfire Santa movie. How is this all going to come together? Cut to a man in a wolf mask. Oh! So we have our horror gays. This is what I'm going to say about this. I know gays like this. That's me too. Yeah, horror gays I don't know anyone Who has a scanner of a face In their home though That was crazy But I do want to say this They were probably the most Believable thing in this movie In that we all three Ford just said we know gays like this But also I appreciate that they Because I'm going to say this And I can say this because I'm not a beautiful Buff gay man But horror gays look like these two guys They don't look like West Hollywood guys.

36:44So I enjoyed that they used like real gay people in real. This was representation. Neither one of them. Yeah, this is why I think it was written by a gay person. Because this is like, like horror gays are a niche, but we all know them. And it's like Disney gays, horror gays, Pokemon gays. And I think that like, oh, this is like. Those booboo gays are a whole other thing. The booboo gays. This was like, this felt very real right here. Yeah, they did. At one point, I do wish Harvey Fierstein, the older brother, isn't. He is not. He could never. He could never. And maybe it was good that they didn't go all gay minstrelsy on us.

37:29Maybe that's progress, but at least they could have been funnier. But they were real. Well, you know, honestly, most gays could be. Like I think a lot of gays, we expect a lot out of each other. I totally agree. A lot of times I've been on dates with people where I'm like, how are you gay? You know, then I have to leave and I'm like, well, that's not fair. You know, not everybody can be like crushingly sarcastic or whatever. I honestly think they do. I think that's honestly. You're like, that is the least we could ask for as a community. We're overachievers. Now that our rights are being taken away again, you got to get funny.

38:11I know. How are you going to stand out? There's too many gay people. If we're accepted by everyone, you can be boring. I think you're right because a lot of gay humor comes from being bullied and like having to come up with the humor to defend yourself or become acceptable. And when gay acceptance came in, we got a lot of really boring gays. I mean, I'm sorry. There are a lot of us out there who are just boring as hell. All they do is work out and talk about protein. and fuck on Grindr. And that's like all they do and all they know. And it's sad, you know? So maybe you're right. We need a little pain back.

38:43Have you been on a date with someone? This is, I recently did it. No. Matt knows me too well. He's like, yep. No, I'm just saying, I went on a date with someone who was, I'm 48 years old. And I went on a date with someone who was 29. It was like I was speaking Swahili. Yeah. And he was, and it was, it wasn't that it, it wasn't that he wasn't funny, but it was a different kind of sarcasm. And I would throw something really sarcastic about it. He's like, Oh, that's kind of, he's like, Oh, that's, that's rough. And I'm like, girl, I haven't even given you the rough shit yet. Gen Z is earnest. Gen Z is earnest.

39:29And they also do the Gen Z stare. And so like, that's very hard. where they actually don't know how to say thank you. It's like a thing where the Gen Zers, because of COVID or something, were not socialized. Or staring at their computer screens or something like that. Did you also make a lot of Seinfeld references? If you compliment them, they just sort of stare back at you. I did not make Seinfeld references like I do on the pod. Yes, I talk about Seinfeld a lot because there were episodes that come back. It's a problem that you keep saying. Everyone knows about Seinfeld. And I'm like, no, they don't.

40:08Yeah, no, they don't. And we do that too a lot. You know, on our show, we reference big business, I think every other episode or like Soap Dish or, you know, things that are just, they were our teenage years. But obviously people who are newer, who are newer to the world and our show, are going to know what the fuck we're doing. We have reviews that are like, what the fuck are these two queens talking about? Like, what are they even? So I don't know. I don't know that I could even date younger. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

40:39What are we talking about here? These gays. These are the gay couples. Dang hot chocolate. This is – so they're living – she says, I've got two interviews, but I need money because Zoe has this snowboarding school. And he's like, what are older brothers for? I can lend you some cash. She's like, hold on, let me show you on this phone the money amount because I can't, you know me, I can't read numerals. So here you go. It's this much. And instead of him saying, listen, as your older brother, look, I know about wasting money. Look at this entire apartment. I know. But I'm also a dink, okay? And I have to say, like, now it's time to tell your daughter she can't have everything in life.

41:18It's time to draw a line about it. The other gays suggest that. I thought you were going to say something totally different. Like, I waste money on stupid shit. I'm going to help you. But you're like, nope, tell your daughter she's fucked. You're like, we bought tickets. There are limits. We bought tickets to Ariana Grande three weeks ago, and I spent$10 ,000.

41:38We will not support this snowboarding school. Exactly. Okay? We will not. We're going to Turks and Caicos after. What happened to Gunkels? What the hell? I know. He's like, wait, hold off on that, though, because there's 50 % off for employees. And she's like, oh my God, I can get a job. These days are so good at exposition. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, but here's the thing though. I don't work for Sun Peaks. And you know, they're like this fucking girl. Why do we have to spell it every single thing for her? Go up there and get a job, bitch. Oh gosh. So now we get the first scene in the hotel, which I loved because it was very West Wing.

42:19They're like walking really fast through a hallway. It's a car. What do we got to get going? and Christmas is coming. Gotta get a Santa. Our Santa quit. Get some little mints on the pillows, all right? Written by Barry Sorkin. Yeah. There was so much exposition in like two minutes of what we needed. Make sure at least two of the four elevators do not work. This is a pricey hotel. We don't want people getting too comfortable. It was bad enough when our GM ran off with that Latvian ski instructor. Esoteric reference. I gotta say, props, you know, because she's a child star and you see it. Tia carries this off and actually gave her nothing to do.

42:58But she really, absolutely nothing. She does look like her life is empty and all she can cling on to are small wins in the office. Yes. And she, like, I feel like there's someone specifically who, like, Ryan and I have worked with in the past and I see her in this person. And I'm like, oh my God, that's her. Jake, I promise that's not you. It's not you. I promise we don't text about it at all. It's just someone that we're working with currently right this second. I thought she really pulled it off too. She had a lot of pathos. Like you could always see her thinking and always see her pissed. And they didn't really write her as huge of a villain as they could have.

43:39Yeah. So this person's like, oh, my God. Wait. Urgent talk. I've got to be on my cell phone. Santa quit? Oh, my God. They ran off with a Latin ski instructor? Fix it. Fix it right now. I'm like, how about you get freaking Jimmy and say, guess what, Jim? You got a promotion. You're Santa now. And you can put some, find some, find some drink around the alley to be there else. I don't think he could pass the background check though. But I know. Jimmy's got confused in some situations and Lenny'd somebody. Jimmy. Yeah. Jimmy. I don't, there's something weird and off about Jimmy. I don't even think, I think he's only working at the hotel because he's not allowed near a school.

44:14It is true. He is very Lenny of mice and men. Yeah. Yeah, but the hotel is a school. Did you forget? Snowboard Academy. It's a school for snowboarding. Yeah, naturally. So, of course, she's like, I would like to talk about the manager position. He's like, hold on. We're speed walking through a hotel, okay? We do got to talk about it. Give it to my son. I will say the dad is, I think, the worst actor in this film. Oh, my God. He's bad. Now, the dad does deliver dialogue. you can you can you can tell that the dialogue is bad when the dad delivers it and there's one line we're going to cover in just a little bit that's i laughed out loud and the woman stared at me in the plane seat next because i was like a loud cackle she's went um but we'll talk about that so she the dad says um i we have a christmas party to plan a concert to arrange in less than 72 hours tree lighting ceremony shouldn't this have been planned in october like why are we doing this now all right once we get christmas done let's get going on patriarchy 2026 all right get me in here all right you're a woman you'll never get a raise you write that down did you write it down okay very good i wasn't really sure what the i wasn't really sure what the the sequence of events was for this hotel so they're gonna like they're gonna have some sort of tree lighting ceremony and then there's going to be a concert and then there's going to be another tree lighting.

45:43It was just sort of like this. And there's like a lot of concern for like, let's be honest, only like 30 people showed up to any of these events. And it was just like... And they say this is our busiest time of the year and dad's like, I got to make sure this is just, this better be done the best possible way it could. I'm really counting on you guys. So I'm going to go off on a business trip for a couple of days. At the most important time of the year. the business trip didn't even make sense because he's like, well, I'll be back in time for the, for the tree lighting. So in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, the, the climax of the tree lighting, cause dad's going to be away and everything's going to be crazy.

46:17And he's come back and be like, what happened? But then he's back like the next scene. I was like, Oh, why did we have to learn about him going to New? Why did he have to go to New York? It's, it was, it's too convenient. There were so many things that like, I'm, I'm working on a project now and I'll write something and a producer friend will say, yeah, that's, we just need that, but it can't be the first choice. The most convenient thing. And I'm like, no one did that in this script. There were no, there's no, no story editor. No, there was no one saying no. So Taylor goes up to the front desk and for some reason she's like asking like the bellhop, like, please tell me you've got some positions open, please.

46:59Here's my file. I just work here. yeah why are you asking the front desk guy he she's asking some 16 year old at the front desk he's like i don't think we have anything surely you do i can do anything i can clean toilets i can i can give a blowjob just show me who to blow and he's like i've actually got to check someone in i'll even clean the men's bathroom yeah and because it's 2025 here let me give you a manila folder with my resume and all the papers of what my background is you certainly don't need an electronic version of this right not at all so then um natasha comes around and she passes right by her as you normally do you know when you're working in your shot you walk right past all the customers at the front desk and you're like we need someone desperately it pays two thousand dollars a week get me a santa right now yeah i'm right i'm right i'm right in check-in and one of the old hotel guests goes darling get me a spritzer so she goes so then taylor's like oh excuse me hi i overheard did you say there are jobs available because your fucking ballet says a different story it's like um yeah no well there are no jobs available unless you're an old white man who can play santa claus or also probably just an old white man because honestly let's say the system's rigged against everyone else right yeah let me just hand you a flyer for it anyway well i'm merry christmas in case you know any old white men in town that's literally all there are in this town so did we already find out that that matthew is the kid of the dad he said he has said good to see you too dad and dad says okay yeah quite faith with so much pathos matthew what a surprise yeah so he's like all right let's go over some damage costs and the secretary is there and he's Like, okay, well, we've got a damage to a rental.

48:50We've got statues that have been knocked over, cafe and sidewalks. Those are six zeros. I mean, we've got over$90 million worth of damage that your son did in Italy. We're talking millions of dollars. We're talking millions of dollars. And I thought, wait, is he this way? Is he so nice? And I don't believe he would do this because he actually is the Incredible Hulk and just like transformed in Italy. Like, it's crazy. I don't see it with this guy. in my mind I was like was this a drunk driving incident? It had to be because he says he's like Matthew the Italian cops are looking for him. So is he hiding from the international police in this town?

49:29Also by the way this movie would have been so much better if there were two Italian cops with bad Italian accents chasing him the entire time. And I'm here to see Matthew Lane. Like those two people from the Chipmunk movie you know they're just like I was with you and I was like, what did he do? Go the wrong way and crash it on a street and go crash into a bunch of stuff. He was coped out of his mind with a dead hooker in the car. So because I'm only in Texas part time, I haven't been here for six months. So I had this huge stack of mail to go through today. Well, I mean, I've had it for a month.

50:04Sounds exciting. I haven't gone through it. So I'm finally going through it to pay bills or whatever, because it's the end of the year. And look what I got. two tickets i got two things in the mail and i was like what the fuck are these they are from vatican city i guess i just put my address up there please don't come to my house um they're from vatican city and i was like from vatican fucking city they are tickets from vatican city and let me tell you when i say i did nothing wrong in this goddamn city is this on your vest yes because i was driving that vespa around vatican city because that's how i went sightseeing and I got tickets for all sorts of shit going into a place I'm not supposed to go into.

50:43They've got cameras everywhere. So after getting these, I was like, well, maybe Matthew really didn't do anything wrong. Maybe there's just too many rules. All I did was just drive my Vespa through gated security and try to get to the Pope. I mean, I don't see what was wrong with me. I wanted to give him a chocolate revolver. I should be able to go there. How do they even prosecute these tickets? Can they even enforce them in any way? Don't pay it, Ronnie. But if I ever go back and get on a scooter there again, which would be nice. And what if I get pulled over? They'll be like, oh, bonita, bonita.

51:14Bonita. How could you do that? How much are they? They're expensive. Well, I don't know how to do the conversion, but one of them is 140. What is it there? Oh, my God. That's like$200. And one is 89. So these are very expensive. When it used to be lira, you would say, that's 800 ,000 lira. Because lira were literally like Tenth of a penny Don't put like Jake don't take cheap shots on Italian currency okay Not nice You've gone too far Drawing the line okay I like the idea Of like the Vatican City bureaucracy And especially being the Vatican City I'm like do you know what you guys have gotten away with Right They don't need money Honestly getting a ticket from the Vatican City is hilarious It's like not just Rome.

52:06It's like the Vatican City. Like there's someone like Pam. It's not Rome. It's the Vatican City. Pam of Vatican City is like going through records. She's like, well, well, it looks like the Vatican's going to have to close down. Wait a second. There's someone in America who hasn't paid yet. There's still some outstanding tickets. Yeah. For entering in Art Law 7 ,9 and 4 in the built-in up area, entered pedestrian restricted traffic area. Wow. That is now 197. Did they scan your license plate or something? Is that what happened? Yeah, they scanned the license plate and I was registered with my driver's license.

52:39Like when you rent a car. Anyway, I don't need to make it all about this. But fuck these people. No, he drove into a location where if you're not doing this with your hand, you get a ticket. Oh, come on, Matt. There was no wheel of... He didn't need the one pizza pasta the whole time he was here. We weren't carrying a wheel of Parmesan in the car. Yes. Okay, everybody. Thank you so much. That wraps up part two of our Christmas crossover. Bye.

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