#3137 My Secret Santa Part Four With Reality Gays

0:26Hello and welcome to the epic conclusion of the Reality Gaze Watch or Crappens crossover experience as we recap My Secret Santa on Netflix. And now, without any further ado, the last part of our epic recap. So guess what? This stuttering girl singing Jingle Bells, it goes viral because apparently the internet's having a slow week. No, but I'm telling you, we find out that the top search on Google that week was, Stop my fucking kid from stuttering. Now she's just gone viral. So every one of your kids stutters, sing Jingle Bells at their face. And that's all you have to do. It's going to cure it immediately.

1:12By the way, I am taking these little voice lozenges. I don't know where this is going. I think I accidentally just took a gummy. So I got about 30 minutes here, y 'all. Attaboy. Wow. Great. I should take one of those too, actually. So now the dad is like The dad's excited He's like whoa looks like we're back on track We went viral so tell Santa That Santa's going to be our guest of honor At the Christmas party And it's going to be amazing Yeah What could go wrong So then Natasha comes up With an idea she's like wait a minute There is something fishy Why does Matt want to fuck Santa I'm going on Grindr Of course she's got a glass of wine with her.

1:59That's even more. You know what bothered me the most? I think when she set the wine on the table, I think the wine glass was plastic. Oh. I noticed that actually. Oh, I hate drinking wine out of a plastic cup. I hate it. But that's her life though. The thing is that she's been divorced. She got screwed out of like a settlement. and he hasn't paid his child support. And she's trying to just get that promotion and she's got these plastic wine cups. And then she hears about someone in town complaining about the cost of Snow Academy. She's like, I can't even get my glass wine glasses. This is the third time this week I've worn this business suit.

2:38I sleep in this office. This is the first time we see her start to try to use Google and it's hilarious. It becomes a running joke for me in the movie. So she's like, I'm going to look something up on this person, but I don't know how. and then we leave to the next scene and Santa's going viral it's crazy everybody's excited the news is all abuzz they're interviewing Matthew about it they're like you heard it here first the crowds love him and Matthew's like and I love him too and there's something when I look in his eyes I just want to fuck him if his biggest Achilles heel is that he's nervous to talk in front of people wouldn't he be nervous to talk Guess what?

3:20He suddenly has no problem with... He went to Toastmasters. I've been to Toastmasters. Toastmasters is great. My friend was doing Toastmasters and I was visiting her in D.C. and she's like, hey, just so you know, tonight I've got to go to Toastmasters, so do you want to come? So I went to Toastmasters and they made me the marshal. For that night, I was like the marshal at arms, which meant that I had to close the door when Toastmasters started. It was great. Wow. That's a good one. And then they started to fire. And then everyone took off their clothes and had a big orgy. Like in the movie Hair.

3:58And you were in the middle of a buckcake. I knew what they were saying. So then Zoe is, of course, totally ungrateful. She's like, Mother, why didn't you tell me about the screaming kittens? There's a little thing called the internet. Why the secret? Of course I knew. She's like, I don't care. You can look it up on happening. That's fine. But it's my past. It's my past. Oh, really? Like my dad? Um, fuck you. Do you understand what I'm going through to get you through snowboarding school? What are you coming for me for? I just put you in snowboarding school. And now you're coming to me about some 15-year-old drama with some loser in a bar.

4:39Shut up. That was the cheapest shot, to be honest. Yeah. And I actually saved you by never introducing you to your dad. This man told me that he was the cousin of Richard Grieco and I believed him and I had sex with him and that's how you came around. Richard Grieco. Yeah. Richard Grieco was the hottest thing in like 1994 until he wasn't. I mean, that's just how it goes, though. Yeah. Isn't that how God Richard Grieco. I'm going to look him up. It's not great. It's not good now. It's not good. Ronnie, I'm telling you now. It's not good. Don't do it. I'm going to be happy. It's not great. Hi. Bless his heart Yeah you're not The hairline wasn't kind Neither was the mess Aging happens But yeah It's not the aging I think there was some kind of substance abuse Yeah it looks sad Well this was fun Alright everybody thanks for coming with us for Christmas I'm devastated I'm sorry I don't know why I brought Richard Grieco into this But now the Christmas spirit is definitely gone now Yeah, it's gone now.

5:49So now Matt sits in Santa's chair, which excuse the fuck out of you. Like, what is this guy doing? He's sitting in Santa's chair in the middle of the night. It's not even during Christmas hours. He's got a boner. So Taylor also comes in and she's like, what are you doing here? Why is she there? I don't know. None of this makes sense. I'm telling you. So she's like, what are you doing here? Santa doesn't start till noon tomorrow. Yeah, then what are you doing here? Why is everybody trying to fuck somebody in Santa's chair? Wow No it's not good That's a story That's a story And Taylor says Back to the Klimmy counter He's like Yes Oh boy At the Quail Valley Mall What's it called again?

6:28Quail Springs Mall Quail Springs Mall Oh sorry It's interchangeable It is interchangeable Named after Dan Quail Yes Of course They're like We have hereby renamed Little Creek Mall The Quail Oh, I remember We brought Marilyn here It was a big day at Quayles Springs When the Dillards showed up It was literally like a movie The Dillards family The Dillards are coming The Dillards are coming Oh, God When the Dillards came It's a big deal, guys Big deal Okay, so they flirt while he's in the Santa seat You know where I can get a good hot chocolate Meaning you're a dick Drop the hot chocolate shit Yeah And so they get a drink Walking in town and this is where we find out.

7:15He's like, so it's always been you and Zoe and that's where she just kind of says, it's almost like between sips. She's like, well, I got pregnant in college and had to drop out of school. And then the baby daddy left town and I never saw him again. This is really milky, you know? It's not the cheap stuff. Yeah. And then he trauma dumps on her and says, yeah, my mom died when I was 15. Didn't handle it well. Got into trouble. and she's like but you were grieving I wanted to rebel and discover the world and she's like and now you're riding the place so why is she so rosy with this guy but she's still like life sucks kids that's what it is it's called compartmentalization right I think to the people that she loves she loves and to everyone else she hates you know so they decide they've got like some kind of chemistry because they're both miserable at heart.

8:13Right. There we go. That's cute. So then we go back to Natasha, who's still trying to Google. And she Googles Hugh Man. Hugh Man, nothing. Which is hilarious. An image search doesn't work either. I love how many Hugh Mans there are, though. Because she's like, oh, my God, there's hundreds of Hugh Mans with Facebook profiles. Yeah. And then she Googles. And she does a Google image search of her dressed as Santa. So Santa's come up. She's like, wait a minute. This is unfair. My favorite part, yeah, as she's later Googling, because she Googles for a while. I mean, happenings, whatever they would call it.

8:49Happening, yeah. I love that her first instinct is not to look up the social security number that she actually has access to. She's like, let me look up this name, Hugh Mann. You're an employer. You can do a LexisNexis search really easily. Also, y 'all, they have an address. They have an address where this guy's check goes. I don't think it gets, yes, I think there is direct deposit. What is the name on the checking account? It is so obvious. You can't just put a social security number with the wrong name anyway. None of this makes any sense. Right. None of it. That's what I'm saying. The whole premise falls apart.

9:24Well, you know what also falls? Taylor, when she's skiing, because now they're skiing, because they're dating. And now this is so dumb. Hey, you're getting so much better. I never would have thought you had a pregnancy that ended your time at Oberlin. This is great. Here's the thing. This is such a fucking red herring because it doesn't need to happen. We never mentioned skiing before. We've mentioned snowboarding. But it's just like this is five minutes we didn't need. They need to have like a date. They need to like build their actual relationship. Then we do a record date. We need to do a guitar date.

9:59Or we do a sing date because that's going to pay off later. This doesn't. Well, it just keeps going because now we get to see Matt play in a band somehow. He's in a band. and she's like oh my god I had no idea you were so good and she pulls out the unicorn lip gloss and he's like wait a minute wait a minute we're both people I want to fuck in this town using the same lip gloss he literally goes that's a popular brand like he gives her the excuse and she goes yup and she doesn't even think like I'll put this away she's like uh huh uh huh and he's like okay never talked about again also I want to say this again evidence of, I agree that this was written by a gay man.

10:40A straight man is never going to notice what type of fucking lip balm a woman is putting on her face. That is quite true. Never. Ever, ever, ever. But that's why they made a unicorn lip balm and they even gave it a little unicorn head and he picked it up off the floor the last time and looked at it and kept it. He pocketed it. Yeah, he did keep it. I think he's, it's like pulling a jack-in-the-box out of your post-dispenser, you know. She doesn't even, actually, you know why, because the first time she doesn't realize that she lost it. But also, like, why is she using such like a like lip balm that's like sold at claire's boutique like what yeah like you're like my first lip balm like all joy like childhood joy years ago when she got pregnant yes but i also love that like this does not connect any dots for him whatsoever not now not later it's just like a thing that happens or he should have pulled it out of his pocket because he kept it and been like wait see i found this you had this you know there we go this moment is you know You know what?

11:39When he saw the two men fucking in the bathroom, maybe he should have seen the unicorn lip balm on the floor. Oh. Or something like that. I don't know. Well, either way, this moment is interrupted because the guy on stage is like, hey, everyone, I want to give a shout out because he had already told his friend on stage. His friend who all of a sudden he knows when this guy's like this super famous billionaire who's like traveling around, but now I was like friends with the head of this like band whatever. This guy who had like a piercing, by the way, which I thought was very provocative for a Christmas movie.

12:12This guy had like a nose piercing. I was like, wow. Oh, in a holiday movie. Oh, Let's not scandalize people too much. When did we take the Christ out of Christmas? So he's like, Hey, I want to give a shout out from the band screaming kittens. It's Taylor coming up and do a song. Taylor. And they're like, come on, you got to do it. It's vertical horizon. Sing with them. It's the collab. I know the whole town. And I was like, oh my God, yes, it's Taylor from Screaming Kittens. Screaming Kittens! She's like, what? No, you don't understand. And she runs out like Cinderella, but she leaves her lip gloss behind.

12:47She is very careless with her lip gloss. I mean, you know what? Maybe that's where the rent money is going, all this stuff she's leaving behind. We see how terrible she is with money management. She buys more lip balms than Poodle, and that's saying something because he loses all the lip balm. Guys, by the way, my lips are so smooth right now. Oh, that's great. Three hours later, I've Exfoliated the fuck out of these lips They're definitely plumper Well, Matthew goes running out And he's like, sorry, people were excited They actually cared, whatever She's like, no, no, don't worry, I'm just traumatized He's like, look, but it's It's like riding a bike She goes, what, being traumatized or Like singing?

13:25Both She's like, no, no That was my dream It was my life, I had to give it up when I had that wretched child. Bills had to take a crappy job putting Santa faces on Santas to put food on the table. You just don't get it. And it's not your fault. You're just a rich person in a bad rug. Can you let me understand? I'd rather be with you and no one but you. You're never going to have a person like me. It's like, I know I don't get being poor, but can you let me try? We can roast some wieners over a trash fire. I can put dirt on my face I don't know we can hop train cars together I can put beans and we can eat them on a fire we can steal a sheet from room 205 and use it for our bindle exactly and carry around like hobos it's like no ride the rambles together you don't understand I was into music but then I had a child and then I just had bills bills bills bills can you pay my bills can you pay my telephone bills pay me automobile bills i'm sorry i just can't sing anymore because of the trauma because of the trauma then she says i don't think i can do this again you mean the time i assume she's been celibate since she had a daughter and that's what she makes it sound yeah yeah and so she's like it's just like we We had to understand her having bad relationships with men.

14:58We've had, we've known none of them. If we met like four ex-boyfriends in the town, we would get it. Like, oh, she's just really bad at relationships. But no, it's only one. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry to leave this romantic date in a very brightly lit restaurant with dorm room furniture, but I have to go now.

15:20Meanwhile back at Natasha's land She's still googling And guess what She found something It turns out the social security number Belongs to someone named Taylor And she's like Aha I figured it out Taylor a latte boy Brings me Coffee Brings me joy Sorry deep musical theater nerd Joe Really not that deep, but, Bronnie, you know that song, don't you? It's this awful thing that people use, musical theater girls used to sing. I think it's deeper than you think. I think only musical Taylor the Latte Boy. No. It's a terrible song. Oh, God. What's it from? It's a standalone song, standalone song called, Kristen Chenoweth made it really popular.

16:05And then every girl wanted to sing it in auditions. It was like, there's a guy who works at Starbucks, and he's very inspirational. And he's very inspirational. Taylor the latte boy Brings me java Brings me joy Taylor the latte boy I love him, I love him, I love him It was during that time when musical theater was like, you kind of had to speak it and everything was like new and then you had a big note and everything is great because I'm still demure and a girl Oh god I want to throw myself down a fly of stairs when I hear it but Keep going, sorry I didn't know that was going to get so gay, and I apologize.

16:45We need to move on. No, no, I loved it. I loved it. Yeah, that happened. Yeah, so back at the apartment building, Doralee knocks on the door, and she's like, so Taylor, you didn't tell me your dad is Santa from the viral video on the internet. I know he's not real, but he's good enough for me. I'm not picky, okay? Mama horny. Give me some of your daddy Wrap some gifts And shove them up my tree String me up String me up I've got Doxy Taylor It's gonna be a good Christmas And a fresh batch of gingerbread I made it with scotch And then she says I gotta go check on Zoe How old's your kid? She's not 8 She's in Snowboarding Academy I'm going to get to tell your daddy I can take his pull up my south.

17:47My south mouth. Yeah. Meanwhile. Oh, she gets on her guitar. That's a really big moment. I forgot about that. Thank you. That's a big moment. But she gets into her closet. She goes into her closet. She's like a closet. She has a closet. Metaphorical. and she pulls out her old guitar, which somehow her dumb daughter never was like, Mom, why is there an electric guitar in the closet? So she pulls it out and she starts playing a song. You know, in her mind, she's thinking, someday, someday I'm going to get back to singing Rockin' Rudolph. I got to say, that last song was one of the most disappointing things about the movie.

18:29I was just kind of like, oh. Uh-oh, going back to Rudolph. Yes, Run to Rudolph. Rockin' Rudolph is terrible. The next Rudolph the Latte Boy. Rudolph the Latte Boy. Your nose is red. Can you fuck me with it? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. The next day, I think now the kids are, sorry, heckling the main bully kid. It's just heckling Santa now. This kid is unredeemable. Truly. She is just a little nasty piece of work. I know. And Santa's like, where are you supposed to be? Santa's supposed to be in the North Pole, you fat fuck. Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be sliding down a little wax piece of wood?

19:19Yeah, and her disses are so bad, too. She's like, aren't you supposed to be in the North Pole letting up your sleigh? Like, yeah, aren't you supposed to be like sliding? He's like, how do you know that? He's like, I'm Santa. That is a line they use all the time that I know everything in Santa. That's her recurring. what's your little delinquent i got kicked out for the day and it's like there's a girl i didn't see something i didn't like yeah and i like that um i like that taylor's like well guess what being a teenage girl is tough and i know and then the bully's like it was like what what what are you uh what this is when we proceed to get a lot of backstory about a character we don't really know and basically she's like my mom never spends time with me and i'm lonely and i'm a bitch because i have mommy issues we're like oh thanks for the plot my dad's in london my mom works somewhere nearby but we don't know who she is and i'm angry because i'm not getting enough attention so i'm acting out and going after the new girl at snowboard academy i'm mad and so the the the level of self-awareness this bully has is absolutely ridiculous also it's ridiculous that I remember when I was doing like counseling and I had to work with teens which was fucking and Jake knows from teaching kids just don't open up to a stranger and start talking like this especially Santa and especially a kid who's an asshole and who's angry and the kid is also like very like like she's you know the you know Taylor's like you know I know a girl who never met her father that's you know that's Zoe whatever and she's like you know her she's like yeah I know and she goes did Zoe tell you that I'm a bully?

21:03No bully ever says that. No bully ever thinks they're a bully. No, Maleficent still thinks she was right. She was, though. I saw the movie. She was right. They always are right. All of them. Yeah. So Taylor's like, oh, I don't think you're a bully, kid. But sometimes hurt people hurt people. Oh, my God. Someone keeps stealing Santa's lip gloss. okay it's very very hurtful by the way what santa offloads their problems on some kid santa's been hurt too you know santa hasn't had it easy santa wanted to be an accountant but somehow wound up with this shit job and sometimes santa just sits in his armchair and drinks a whole bottle of scotch at the end of the night and thinks about what could have been so i heard too kid Yeah So let's make a Christmas wish Christmas wish to get over our hurt To get over our hurt And put it behind us What kind of bullshit is this So shove it down and don't think about it Oh Merry Christmas It came upon a midnight clear Let's make two wishes Let's ask that little stuttering tramp to never see you again Because I was painful Can I also point out This is so late in the movie That it does we should be barreling towards the end of the movie here but what well what happens is that by talking to this is like you're not so by talking to this little brat you know taylor is really talking to herself by saying it's time for us to put our traumas behind us yes oh by talking to this little brat i'm realizing how boring it is when people talk about how upset they are by their trauma i've decided i'm not going to be like that and decide to be nice to the hot guy again so she goes back to matthew and brings him coffee i mean a cocoa and she's like um delivery here's some hot cocoa because god forbid we drink alcohol in this movie i know yeah or even caffeine yeah so so they're like well i guess this is a date right i'm sorry about that it's just trauma and you sort of like kind of like did did sort of step on a big boundary for me i mean you try to have me sing on stage and you're the one who has stage fright so you sort of volunteer me for something i never asked for in the first place so i would apologize an apology we should apology but here's a hot cocoa in the meantime yeah i do love his stage fright uh storyline while he's also a guitar player in an amazing scene right nothing works nothing actually helps no so they decide that they're friends again and he's like he's like super kind of upset with her like his big doughy eyes he's like oh i've been so hurt shut the fuck up you just ran into like every statue and drunk drove in italy like i don't want to hear it from you you whiny fucking man so so now guess what time to set it back three yeah well she said time to set it back three because he's like, hey, I'm glad that we're finally reconciled.

23:53You've got to come to the holiday party. And she's like, absolutely, I will 100 % be there. And he goes, good, because now you can meet our Santa Claus because he's the best. And she's like, what? Cue the Mrs. Doubtfire restaurant scene. Yes, exactly. So we're going into the Mrs. Doubtfire portion of this event. And we go to the Christmas party, which is in a big hotel office room or whatever. and she's like oh my god i don't think i'm gonna fit in here in this hotel meeting room can i just say this dress looks terrible it is and it's this lacy wrap the shrug and and later even at the end they have her in a red sweater with like pearl applique on the shoulders they dress her like a 63 year old woman from des moines yeah she looks terrible god damn it's a travesty She's a pretty woman She's like, I don't know if I'm going to fit in with all these bland people I mean, I know you would have thought I would Considering I just walk around wearing generic cashmere sweaters But I just don't know if I can fit And so then dad's like, big announcement, everyone Thanks to our really good Santa Claus We've sold out the Christmas season From some people who hadn't had plans And decided last minute they had to stay in the hotel But there's a really good Santa Yeah And for the next three years Because people really are jazzed about getting their kids To see a good Santa who solves their problems who solves their problems cheaper than therapy this is all dialogue that was said by the way we're yes yes so the dad's like oh well matthew who is this lovely young lady in the old fitting dress she's like oh um yeah well my name's taylor and we met at a very reputable uh record store and uh reputable in fact not even reputable and we appreciate you know because we appreciated vinyl and punk rock and things like that dad's like what a record store in this town i'm gonna root it out and get it out of here.

25:45There needs to be a chocolate shop and more hot cocoa. The more you go to the record stores, it leads to dancing and dancing leads to Satan. And Tia Mallory's just sitting there, standing there glaring at her and Taylor's like, and they're like, well, I wonder when Santa's going to get here and she's like, oh yeah, I'm going to go freshen up. So then it's already problematic that the gay's being put into the bathroom stall. It's such a fun scene. problematic i felt so seen i loved it and so he's finally in a glory hole is so you know that was chef's kiss i do i did enjoy it when he said you didn't bring me anything to eat um they should have said a drink a gay would have said you didn't bring me a drink yeah so here's the here's the setup so basically she goes to the bathroom one gay the boyfriend or the husband the one the the brother-in-law is standing, you know, keeping an eye out, making sure no one goes into the bathroom while the brother is in the, the far, I'm going to say probably the handicap stall.

26:46Cause that was a large stall. It is. It is the assistant stall. Yeah. And so, um, so that, so he's there and he's got the Santa Claus thing ready. He's basically gonna do a quick change. Like he's standing in the rafters on Saturday night. It's like Broadway. So he's like ready in the wings. Yeah. So she goes in there. It was like, Oh, quick change, quick change, quick change. So she comes out. Now she's Hugh again. Yeah. So she comes out, she's Hugh, and she goes into the room, and the dad's like, whoa, I've never received so many emails. I mean, wow, you are the hit of the holiday season. Lisa Gibbons loves you.

27:19The fact. And isn't it weird that Natasha is just like, Natasha knows that this Santa's a fraud and is using not only a woman's, a random woman's social security number, but that woman is at the same party. And she's just sitting on it. She's actually not, she's like not telling her assistant. And she's just sitting there like, okay, well, fraudulent Santa's here. But she doesn't know who the woman is, right? Yeah. And so that's, so we know that Santa's using a woman's security. So she's like, hmm, something's wrong here. But we don't see her put it together. So Hugh comes back in and he was like, well, Mr.

27:58Boss, your son will be an excellent general manager, that's for sure. and then he's like oh my god by the way hugh god you look sexy today i can't wait for you to meet taylor maybe are you into three seconds there's something in your eyes hugh in your eyes guys so good to be here with you i'm with my favorite paw and my favorite food paw god damn it hugh and he's like whoa you're you can't wait uh i'm gonna meet taylor hall she's special and And the dad goes, yeah, the last time he said that, she sold his story to a gossip magazine. Girl. Oh, so now we're having a late act three stakes, which is like the dad's never going to approve of Taylor.

28:39Right. Because he can't trust these women that come around her son. Yeah. And he's like, she's not like that dad. I'm falling for her. You see, you're supposed to set this up in act one. And the whole idea is that when she is outed, it's like, see, son, you never should go back to her. I told you she was bad. I told you she was a liar. And he's like, my dad's right. You were a liar. but they were like no we'll set this up right now and just forget about it three sentences yeah here we go three sentences in act three guys time for a huge moment Taylor runs back to change back into Taylor again so she runs through the hallways and um that's when then she comes back is it this time where the guys this is where the brother-in-law snowboarders say Stephen King is here and the the other horror gay or is that after she comes back she comes back but the gays are still like being really weird in the bathroom one is still in the stall and one is still hiding outside the bathroom they have cameras in this hotel yes so this is where taylor has to come back to show her business acumen now so the dad's like well i just met this lady but let me tell you this is what we're going to do with our future resorts which is that we're going to we're going to revamp revamp things and natasha's like that's right we are going to revamp things and i'm going to say this in front of someone who i just discovered is committing massive fraud with his fake social security number yeah we're going to have wine tastings and all those kind of things let's Raise the prices.

29:57Capitalism. Why don't you have wine tastings and spa treatments already? You're a hotel. You're a luxury hotel. You already should have this. Let's say this now. They already have these things. We should open up a gym. Let's have a gym. We can have it be open two hours a day. What about 24 hours? You know what? Good. 24 hours. Good idea. And digital. Good. So then Taylor's like, well, what about the kids? Okay, Taylor, you spent your entire movie complaining about how this kid ruined your life. And she's like, think about the children. Are we going to have activities for children? What about craft night, karaoke?

30:30Someone's nurturing all of a sudden. This is where I lost sympathy for her anymore. I was like, I'm glad your daughter's a bitch to you because you just talked over this woman who has her own fucking job like you own the goddamn place, just telling everybody what to do. You deserve everything you get, Taylor. Live in your van. Yeah. And she has this awful lot of work. You're amazing. I'm going to give you Natasha's job. Natasha, you are now stepping down to an even lower job than you have now. Yeah. I know. Because she's like, there should be fun activities for the kids. That way the parents can relax.

31:01And Natasha's like, like what? Pin the tail on the donkey. And they're like, that's a great idea. Pin the tail on the donkey. Let's do it. Never thought of it. Craft night. Karaoke night. And she finally says, look, I know I'm just here. And I'm just here running back and forth because you probably think I have exploding diarrhea. And you don't know that I'm changing into a Santa suit. But I just want to say, if you win over the kids, you win over the parents. No, I'm sorry, but your son has been feeding me hot chocolate for two weeks and I've got to shit. I've got to go shit again. I'll be right back.

31:33Because Natasha to get her back is like, I think it's time for gifts. Where's our Santa? So she goes into change. She's getting in dressed as Hugh. This is the gay sex simulation. But while this happens, the brother-in-law hears that Stephen King, there's a Stephen King sighting. It's a horror gay, remember. so he leaves his post which is terrible because Matthew decides he has to go to the bathroom so Matthew comes in the bathroom and while this is happening we get a classic you know what's going on in that bathroom stall thing in this case brother and Hugh are trying to get like the fat suit on oh is it in?

32:09right there oh god wait hold on just stay still for two minutes it'll get easier Matthew Matthew who's just done like an eight ball in Venice and like knocked over 10 statues is like what there may be sex in the bathroom. Oh my god there's gay sex in the bathroom? So he like looks under it. He doesn't say like get out of here or anything like that. He kind of listens and watches and kind of looks in like it's kind of hot. He looks underneath and he's he sees the feet and what he sees is I don't know if he realizes that this is Santa at this moment but he definitely sees like you know Santa boots are the like yeah and it's like He knows it's Santa because he sees Santa's big old shoes.

32:52And yeah. And Santa's the bottom here, right? Yeah. Santa's the one who is. Oh, yeah. And Matt does look a little sad. And I think it's because he finds out that he's been fucking around with guys in the bathroom and it's not him. So he's sad. It's true. I believe. He's like, we're both bottoms. He's like, oh, no, we're both bottoms. It was interesting that he played it kind of sad. I mean, I guess I don't think he was sad that he found out he was gay. I think he was just like, he's not with me or whatever. so then he goes out and he's really awkward like what should i do should i just go in there and ask to join should i just jerk out jerk off outside the door what do i do what do i do so then he so then he like comes out the bathroom he's like whoa and then but then like santa and the and the brother both come out which is weird because why did the brother leave the bathroom and then so he turns around and sees santa then he's and then he's like oh my god it's confirmed hugh was having gay sex in the middle of our Christmas party.

33:45Like, this is legitimately, like, it's not us making a joke. Hugh was actually fucking another man. Hugh, who was like the star of this resort, who was just talking to the CEO, this massive billionaire, decided, you know what? I gotta step away to have some gay sex. And I think I'm in love. He's like, there's a shot. So they go back into the meeting room or whatever, and Matt's like, wait, does anyone know where Taylor is? Where is she? I have to tell her. I have to get this bone right on somebody. And Natasha's like, no, but I know who does. Me, as a person who wants to leave this hotel, is about to ruin the annual Christmas party.

34:25This is an imposter. He is a fraud. He's using a fake name and your girlfriend's social security number. So he knows who Taylor is. And then she turns to Tim Howard and says, you're probably working on an evil plan together to ruin my career. And I'm like, you narcissist? What the fuck? Why is this about you now? So weird. She does make it about her. It is kind of very revealing. I have a theory that they wanted to make this into like this mustache twisting kind of villain. Tia just did not play it that way. She just tried. She played it very realistically. She tried to find a human connection to it.

35:03And that's why a lot of these lines don't work. I think you really are a fan of Twitch. They didn't give her enough though. I'm a big Twitch fan. No, I think that Tia was so good in this. I know. I think she did the best job she could with it. They gave her nothing. They gave her nothing. They gave her nothing. And it was like very unrealistic that she sort of sat on this information so late. Or she didn't say, sir, I need to talk to you about Hugh. I think we have an issue. She just sort of sits there and then goes through this entire scene. And then finally is like, aha, everyone. And you're like, whoa, where did this come from?

35:31So she's doing this big reveal. And she's not even given the villain moment of doing the big reveal. because instead what happens is that someone is like, is Taylor Jacobson in here? Taylor, we have a snowboarder academy emergency. Your daughter is going to die. You're about to die. Okay. Your daughter has oddly been snowboarding during the nighttime snowboarding Christmas party. What the hell? And she, Taylor goes, oh. So she goes, oh my God. Ho, ho, ho, three wise men. Lots of reveals. here um and then she says zoe in the most female voice possible so she runs out to the ambulance where zoe is being cart loaded in and then the bully is now nice and she's like it's gonna be okay right now best friends because i turned nice in one day yeah he's tia mallory yeah she says i've been really mean to her mom and her mother is awesome and her mom listens to her and i'm like okay all right so it turns out this girl is the the bully is the daughter of tia and the bully ruins everything you've been different these reveals she also ruins tia's big moment of being able to pull the face off i guess at this moment tia still doesn't think that Hugh is when they were the only two black people in town.

37:02That is something we should have assumed. Yeah, that's why I think Tia Mowry should have played the role of Santa because a I think her physical comedy would have been better, but then it could have been about how all these people are uncomfortable by black Santa. Yes. They would never hire a black Santa in this hotel. Absolutely not. I mean, there's actually totally this amazing subtext in this movie that's like a commentary about like how she's the only one tia's the only one working hard and just all these black women's doing the most yeah and there's all these white people who are caretaking for everybody abilities no skills whatever who just fail upwards and it's like hey you lady who used to work at the cookie company critic criticizing frosters you have a great idea we're gonna give you a high position in this hotel and tia's the only one natasha's the only one doing any sort of work and no one's paying attention to her yeah i mean even down to the main character because she's working her ass off to send her daughter to snowboarding camp and then this lady comes in and commits fraud to get her kid in and everyone's fine with it right you know yeah so um matthew matthew looks kind of confused because he like wants to fuck everybody in the finale like he's like i want to fuck all of you and so he's like just go to the hospital so they run away and um did he yeah there was just one thing and he i gotta say the mom the daughter has a line which she butchers like santa why do you sound like my mother it was just such a weird line and and then i wrote down it's very different a situation like this is very different when it's a man in a woman's outfit because then it's like all types of gender politics are are it's a stronger gender politic than a woman in a man's costume right and it's it's not the big reveal they're hoping it will be it's not like just one of the guys when when she when he ripped open it goes she's got tits and everyone i saw boobs for the first time in a movie and i remember references only yes that was my childhood all right here we go also by the way also like hello um you know what like like uh hugh or what taylor when your daughter says why do you sound like my mom that's the moment we say oh you have a head injury sorry exactly ambulance no she pulls off her mask and her glasses and all of that she's like i'm a mother and she looks flawless which is not how you look at her wearing like she actually hasn't looked like that in the entire movie i was like wow how does she suddenly like so this was a scooby-doo reveal it was just a complete scooby-doo reveal and they look like themselves anyone who's been her prosthetics looks like a fucking mess.

39:39I will say this too. Put a pin in this, but she's on a gurney strapped down with a neck brace looking like she's about to be airlifted somewhere. Put a pin in that till later when we see Zoe again. I know. We see Zoe tap dancing in a bathing suit. Can we get this kid to the hospital? Do we have to have this whole moment? Commercials. Here comes one right now.

40:11So now Natasha is talking to the dad and she's like, you know what? We could charge her with fraud and with trespassing and other cool things. And the dad's like, well, how could you let that happen? Natasha, I'm so disappointed. No background ID. And you, Natasha, I trusted you. Again, the politics of this. And Jimmy, you singing jingle bells. It doesn't fix anything. Be quiet. And Matthew's like, it's no one to blame but me. I hired you. I wanted to stick my dick deep inside of him. It was my mistake. He has now redeemed himself because he's now sacrificed himself. Yes. By the way, don't forget this writer.

40:50Because it's a Christmas movie from Great American Country. Don't forget that this writer who also wrote the Lindsay Lohan thing incorporated a scene in that one where Lindsay Lohan's like clearly gay fiancé winds up like in a cabin in the woods with some strange man. and they kind of have like an implied gay sex moment. Yes, they do. This guy loves like inserting like closet gay moments. This guy loves including gay sex. I get it out for him. And I love that. I love gay subtext. I love that. I still think the script of that film was one of the best ones. One of the funniest things we've done.

41:25Well, it died. Well, it died. It's like, I made a mistake too. Natasha, you're taking the lead on this. I'm not giving you the job. Matthew, you still have the job because you're a white man who feels upward, but you can go outside for now. So Natasha feels bad now. And now she's talking to her B daughter and they're talking about like, oh my God, I feel awful because I was so mean to her and she's such a good snowboarder. She just didn't have a very nice vest, but she has a really nice mom. And Natasha's like, her mother is a fraud. No, she's not a mom. Mom, she's a good mom. You don't listen to me.

42:00I am behind Natasha all the way. Mom is a fraud. Stop it. Like, go back to being a bully. You learned the wrong life lessons from the wrong person. I disagree. Listen, Santa is always, it's an actor playing a character. So what? Actresses don't work now. And I wish that this movie had taken it to that, where she's like, who cares if I'm a woman? A woman can't be Santa Claus. Santa Claus isn't a man or a woman. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's also funny is I like how the daughter just spins it on Natasha out of left field. Because Natasha's like, listen, stop. That woman is a fraud. And then she goes, no, she listened to me.

42:35Not like you. Like, aha. And then we get in London. You just got prosecuted. Dad went to London. Prosecuted for all your failures as a mother. You don't hear me. You split from dad and I never see you. I miss my mom. And Natasha's like, I know. Let's talk. Let's talk. Do you want a pony? How can I buy you off? Do you want to go to boarding school? There's a quick cut that's kind of jarring. We're just sitting on the couch with Zoe in a fucking arm brace and everything's fine. She's fine. She's fine. We just hit 100 ,000 views. Really, you just ruined my career with a neck break that didn't happen.

43:15You spoil little bee. You spoil little bee. Trying a jump you were not prepared to do. But wait. She's like, have you heard from Matthew? She's like, probably not unless we go to court. She's like, wow, you really did this for me, right? It's just like, oh, you're not mortified? Your mom's like, mom, I've been mortified for you for so many years. This is nothing new. You were so embarrassing as a singer. Yeah, I heard your album, mom, and it sucks. Yeah. Here's the one who's feeling. It's me, Doralee. How are you telling me that your daddy wasn't really Santa Claus? I was ready for that man to dip his cookie inside my milk.

43:54I was ready to be that man's vixen. How could you do this to me? Must have got a really good laugh at me. Dora Lee is visibly shaken because she also is having like a reckoning. She's basically saying like, I now have to ask for rent money from this woman who I accidentally hit on because I thought she was an older silver daddy and I'm realizing I was hitting on her instead. Am I going to get sued? And I'm just at all. The movie stops being light because she ends up leveling her with this because she says, I looked stupid and Taylor said, I never meant to hurt you. And she's like, why is it that that's the people that hurt me or who that all I always hear that from.

44:34It's always the people that hurt people that say that. It feels like we're in a Tennessee Williams scene all of a sudden. She's just that good. She's that good. I got to say it hit me in my gut and brought tears to my eyes. I went, Oh God, this actress is fantastic. She's great. She moved here to this town. She like, she lived in Chicago and she moved here for, to this town to follow love. And then he left her. Now she's stuck in this town. She grew up as a little girl in Puerto Rico. All I wanted was for him to take a turn in my toy factory and you had to ruin it for me.

45:10I was a dancer. I was a prancer. And now I'm just a landlady. Now I'm just a landlady. So Tia and Matthew. I was going to let him snow my globe. Now he's gone. Now he's gone. Where are they next? Are they in a parking? Oh, yeah. talking to Matthew about the daughter's name is Eva the daughter's name is Eva though it doesn't matter and he's talking to Matthew Natasha's telling Matthew even I had a long talk and this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Taylor and I just wanted to say thanks for not throwing me under the bus and he's like I avoided his responsibility for so long I figured it was time for me to grow up well you should give the speech to the concert tonight Right.

45:56Yeah. Because you've conquered your fear of public speaking finally. Yeah. And he's like, but I can't do that. She goes, no, I'm going to teach you. I'm going to have a redemptive moment that won't happen on camera. Yes. And this is going to be your final exam. I'm going to have a written aroma. She's going to be the one that's going to help him with the speech things. I was like, that's so weird. So now he's taking the stage for his speech. It's like five minutes later. and he's like, I've learned to give speeches. Is everybody ready? Here we go. I'm sure you've heard what happened with Santa.

46:30In the meantime, Sun Peaks won't have a Santa, but we can still celebrate Christmas because Santa's not a man. Santa is a boner in my pants that I pull slowly and enjoy. Did I know it was coming? No. Did it hit me in the eye? It sure did. What was I talking about? Why do I have a boner right now? I forgot. Damn it He's losing the audience As soon as Santa's a concept They're like boo Santa's an old guy Santa's a white man Santa's a white fat man Bring the torch He's not a concept Bring out Santa Bring out Santa Bring out white Santa So then the dad's like what is Matthew doing Up there and she's And Natasha's like he's saving Christmas and everyone's like dude no he's not this is the worst thing ever at least they're not singing run run rudolph though am i right just wait matthew's like everyone's miserable this was the most unbelievable part of the movie and to me that taylor and zoe show up and taylor decides to go up on stage to apologize to him in front of fucking everybody and from this she only talks She talks to him in front of a mic.

47:50Like she never even addresses the audience. And it's also like, this is Netflix. Can you hire some more extras? Can you make it look like it's more than 30 people behind a snowbank? There's only 20 people there. Yes, because in the Lindsay Lohan movie, this would have been a physical comedy of errors, of her going to apologize, and then something like she ends up pratfalling on the stage, not meaning to be on the stage. That's what we needed from this. I am sentimental for that movie. Honestly, the Lindsay Lohan movie culminated where they're making a very similar speech in front of a crowd that was just as big, but they did it in a living room, so it felt compressed and it felt high stakes.

48:23But here it's just like you see, it's a stage for 20 people. And also what would have been helpful would have been if there had been some headlines about billionaire error, like in trouble again. Oh, happening. It's fuzzy. It was a fraud. And so now the media is there to capture this. heckler there. He's like, hey, bro, talk to her, bro. Oh, like, why is he at every Santa event? Is nobody worried that this guy's at every Santa event? He is constantly on Santa subreddit. Yeah. So she just says, I need to apologize. I need your job and you need a Santa. And I just don't think I could have something like this.

49:05I don't think I deserved it. And I didn't think I was going to fall for you. Also, I'm lactose intolerant. There, I said it. Kiss her! Finally. Kiss her! Yeah, like, don't leave them, honey. Don't leave them. I wish she had had this speech like, shame on everyone in this town for limiting who Santa could be or what Santa should be. What are we teaching our young women? Now, sure, I taught my daughter that she was a mistake, but that was just honesty. Draw some boundaries. You didn't need to put your daughter into snowboard school. Your daughter needs a job. teacher about finance we have no sympathy for you Suzy Orman videos so Merry Christmas Silent Night exactly Matt's like wait Taylor but I miss you okay I miss his beard I miss his bathroom stall anal please is there some way you can bring it back she's like oh god okay

50:08that's exactly what happened and then they decide that they're going to spend Christmas together. But then before that, they're like, wait a second. Do you want to sing? And she's like, well, I guess this time is everyone ready for some pop punk girl group madness. Guess what? If you lined up here, ready to hear some pussy riot, then get ready. Cause it's about to happen right now. Run Rudolph. Run Rudolph. Run Rudolph. Scooby-dee-bop and booting. Doody-dee-bee. And this isn't my voice. Cause I did, I was too scared to do it. I mean, if you're going to do that, use somebody good. Like, have a Nell Carter recording in there.

50:50I just wanted to be on set, though. Because I think they filmed it when no one was there. I think about this. Think about it. You don't really see a lot of scenes that Jimmy the Elf. It was 4 a.m. Well, no, but Jimmy the Elf is never really in the scene with other people. If you think about it, it's just cutaways. So I'm pretty sure they spent like four hours trying to shoot with this guy, just going, cheer, Jimmy, cheer. And he's just going like over and over and over. It's like dark. It almost looks like a black screen or something behind him. Now, OK, so she has a triumphant moment that speaks neither to her past as a punk rocker nor to really anything else in this movie.

51:39and now it's Christmas day and the whole gang is at her apartment. I'm like, Including his father. I was like, what are you guys doing here? Who's never set foot in an apartment building like that? And we all know, and we all know why they're there. Like you, right away you're like, oh, I know why they're there because the dad is there. They need to have the dad there because the landlady is thinking about it. I knew that. You just know it, you see it because there's no reason why these wealthy people are at this apartment. And the dad is kind of like, are those fags over there? Yeah. Is that too, isn't that too gay gay guys?

52:08That's true, right. I'm sorry that we opened a taco truck because there are two faggy to burritos. Is that a gay couple? They're all celebrating. And in like not even a full like half breath, he's like, I'll do a toast. To Natasha who got sent to London and to everybody else. Like you don't even. I actually had to rewind and say, wait. I'm like, excuse me. And so she's in London now, I guess, with her husband. But like overnight, like this all happened on Christmas Eve. I needed more of them. They paid her a ticket and made her go away. I got to say, my note from this entire movie is what a misuse of a twitch.

52:56I totally agree. They gave her nothing to do. This is unfair. She did not deserve this. Tia Mowry deserves more. they sure i mean it's shocking that they did not include her in that final scene maybe she got or something they had to shoot without her because like yeah there's no reason that you have to see the girls together as friends you have to see her and she's like well oh my god thanks again for that promotion to london maybe she got i think this was a coda or something that they put on they tacked on they were like we need something better than run run rudolph at the end i think you're right because i think they were basically like diana's doing such a good job that we have to give her we have to we have to we have to tie up her loose end let's give her to the dad yeah natasha's like um i'm busy i i work so but taylor goes over and invites her over to christmas invites doralee over and then doralee is so touched and is being very nice at the christmas party and then see some old man meet and goes right for hello daddy oh hotel owner right how'd You like to soap my hand.

54:00Hey, you want to refill my shampoo in the morning? Oh, yeah. Change my pillow sheets, bad boy. Do not disturb. Am I right? Got some extra shower caps back at my house. They're conveniently under the mistletoe. And honestly, I love this because she was the best character. She's the character who's been hurt the most. Let's be honest. I don't care what any of Taylor's backstory is. It's this woman who's been hurt the most. And she winds up with the richest guy. Good for her. Good for her. And he's going to die soon. And she's younger. And then she'll be a billionaire. Yeah. And now she's a mother-in-law.

54:39And not give Taylor and her husband money because she's going to take it all. Yeah. Because they never paid rent. Yeah. And the admittable last line. So, Taylor, how'd you get so good at Christmas? Santa Claus. I'm Santa Claus. Yeah. Which went nowhere. Oh, it's because when I dropped out of college for my daughter, I had to watch a lot of holiday movies. Also too, I don't think this set was very fun because there was no outtakes in the credits and there should have been outtakes. They're not that talented. I really did. All in all, I did not like this movie. Me neither. Yeah, I didn't like this movie.

55:24No, I did not. And it's just – we can find the bad, stupid things in it, but I enjoyed that Lindsay Lohan movie. I even enjoyed the Dumb Food Network movie. I even liked parts of Hot Frosty. Hot Frosty was ridiculous, but it was fun at least. Yeah. It was joy. Hot Frosty was cute. Yeah. It was cute. And those movies are all about like what Christmas is really about in some way. Yeah. And this one wasn't. Like it didn't really even have anything to do with Christmas. This movie didn't have a heart. It didn't. It took place at Christmas, but other than that, it didn't really even have anything to do.

55:58All I just kept thinking was, God, the apartment decorations are so bad. Like the apartment building, I was like, this is what being poor is like. And it's sad. Is it because this is what Christmas movies are like in 2025? I think it's just like, I think this was like too much. Like it was like save the cat. They were like, okay, here's all the characters. They just sort of like just painting by numbers. They dropped it all in. And so it was all tidy. but like the silliness of this like Mrs. Doubtfire thing actually was like never that silly. It never paid off. The only thing it did was it elicited this like really random gay sex scene in the bathroom late in the movie.

56:30And for that. And the locker room scene really was like, what is happening here? And that was my Christmas wish. I will say, I think that it was probably, I think that it was probably like a more adult movie at one point because of all of this stuff. Like he wants to fuck the Santa the whole time. He's just like cokehead ne 'er-do-well. Like they had all the ingredients to make it good, but they chose to go like the family friendly. We have to be super safe because we're like a Hallmark being on Netflix now or whatever the fuck they were doing. And they just kind of watered it down. Because I think if he was like a cokehead mess and had to learn to be better and Natasha was really a bitch and scheming and trying to take everything down.

57:12And he really was kind of into the gay sex Santa. Like it could have been good. It's just kind of like watered down. Yeah. I agree. Try to please everybody. You please nobody. You please nobody. Big boy. Please nobody. But it sure was pleasing for us. I mean, it gave us four hours to laugh together. This was so much fun again, guys. We did it again. Yeah, we did it. Only four hours. What Christmas is really about is us getting together every year to talk shit about people we don't know. And finding gay narratives. That's exactly it. And to act like we could do any better. That's good. It's true.

57:51That's very true. And with that, yes, thank you to our sissies and our Geraldines out there that are probably clenching your fist just with your family right now. So we hope that this was a respite of laughter and fun. I'm going to be right there with you with my mother and father. It's going to be, yeah, it's going to be rough this year. Oh. I can already tell you. There's, yeah, there's, my mother, I can already, my mother's already grouchy. So it's. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just in the buying phase because I'm the single one and everybody else is married and has, or has kids or whatever.

58:32It's just like, there's 20 people to buy for, but I'm like going to get. Gift cards. Like half a little skate or some shit. But everybody, thanks so much for being here. We will talk to you in the new year. Bye. Bye.

58:52Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the foster and the furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley auto. Put your hands together for Carly clap. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. We never miss her call, it's Diane Call. Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark. Big yay, it's Emily Gauthier. Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less. Hava Nagila Weber. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Jamie, she has no less name-y.

59:31She's our kind of mess, it's Jennifer Messer. Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B. Que sera, sera, whatever will be with Lauren Sillsby. She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay B. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the berg. This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love a ya, Olivia Williamson. She sure is swell. It's Raquel. Yes, we canna. It's Sadana. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman Let's share with Sharon Eldridge Darn Skippy, it's Tippi And our super premium sponsors Make way for AJ Lopez She's VVIP, it's Amanda V Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva Let's get real with Caitlin O 'Neill Put us on a stretcher, it's Charlotte Fletcher Don't get salty with Christine Pepper Can't have a meal without the Emily sides Who, what, why, where and Gwen Pentland Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall Hail the cork master, the master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran We got our wish, it's Jen Plish My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo She's a total knockout, it's Katie Manok In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock Gee, it's Lisa H We're ride or die for Lisa Rider Baron She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthy Always killing it, it's Lo Alkalani The Incredible Edible Matthew Sisters She eases our woes, it's Melissa St.

1:01:14Rose There's a chance of meatballs, it's Rebecca Cloud Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska She's the Queen Bee, it's Sarah Lemke We cannot tell a lie, it's Sarah Talafson Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony Please don't stop, it's Soli and Pop Let's take off with Tam La Plaine You'll always get the full story with Tori Parsons. She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar. We love you guys.