#3178 Southern Charm S11E08 Part 1:When Audrey Met Salley

0:21Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about ben mandelker joining me today is my fellow comrade the only the only one i could share so much time with it's mr ronnie carrom hi ronnie how are you good ben how are you you sweet little dumpling i'm just great um i just saw you moments ago you sure did real life baby real life seeing real life we look like we're a gender reveal right now because you're wearing pink and I'm wearing light blue. It's like, what's the baby going to be? We're going to let the baby decide. That's what my friends, when I had a baby shower like 10 years ago for our friend group child, we were having a baby shower and we were choosing colors for the baby shower and I was like, well, I mean, it's pretty easy, pink or blue.

1:14And the mom was like, we don't know what gender the baby is going to identify as yet. And I was like, oh, for Christ's sake. Really? So what do you do? What do you even do? We're deciding this early that we're not going to decide. But I am anti-gender reveal in general. So, you know, I like it. She was ahead of her time. I'll give her that. She was ahead of her time. I'm very anti-gender reveal, which is funny because we'll be talking at least very briefly about that later today. We are here to talk about Southern Charm. Before we get into that, in case you didn't hear, the crappies are happening on February 27th.

1:4727th. Our roster of guests is coming together quite nicely. Very excited for that. And it's going to be a great night at the Fonda in Hollywood. There will be also live streaming, but those details. You don't get those just yet. You'll have to wait. You have to hold, please. Please hold first. You must check out the magic of Nicolene. No, it will be available for streaming like it was last year. So that will be great. But tickets are available at watchrecrappens.com or the in-person tickets. There are not a lot left. So we encourage people to go get them before it's too late. In fact, I went to buy tickets for a whole separate event later in the year and it was sold out because I waited too long.

2:33And now I'm like sad for myself. So don't be like me. But anyway, patreon.com slash watchrecrappens get ad free. So you can do that if you want. Also crappens on demand. And you can check out our light pink and light blue shirts. And we also have weekly bonuses. Traders. Oh, my God. Can't wait for later tonight. Traders episode. We'll be talking all about that tomorrow. So that's all the good stuff. That's all the really good, great stuff to talk about. That's all the news is fit to print. All the news. I would also like to thank the lighting in here today because my one cheekbone is lit. Look at that.

3:07Look at that. Just one lit cheekbone. It's beautiful. The wallflowers. One cheekbone. except it was about a headlight. Well, it's very nice. You know, that's like very cinema. That's like very, that's cinema. That's so cinema. To get the outline, I don't have my, oh, I don't have my lighting on, but whatever. Today, we're talking about something that's not cinematic. It's Southern Charm, the opposite. Something that did not get any Oscars that got reverse Oscars, it's Southern Charm. Southern Charm, it's only one. Corn. I want corn. If I see corn, I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. So here we are, Southern Charm.

3:49What? I said it could be described as sinners, but like a different kind. Sinners, yeah, basically the same thing. Southern Charm, season 11, episode 8, engaged in battle. One battle after another Academy Award nominee. I was going to watch that movie, and then I read the description. It was like, a man's daughter was kidnapped, and he has to go. How many movies are going to be about a man, some manly man, going to get his daughter who was kidnapped? Like, how many daughters are kidnapped that the dads are running after and, like, having a whole movie about it? It's been, like, 20 movies. I'm sick of this a lot.

4:26How is that winning an Oscar? Was it good? Yes or no? Tell me the truth. It actually is really good. And if it makes you feel any better, Leonardo DiCaprio plays a dad trying to save his daughter. And he's very inept. He's very inept at it. so uh if it's anything how old is the daughter she's like 16 or 17 um but dating age that must have been awkward it's it's about a lot of things uh but definitely you know toxic masculinity feels like it's on the on the menu of things it's targeting so you know um i enjoyed it quite a bit so i think you might enjoy it as well well i'm not going to find out because i refuse to give that butt anymore my hard-earned tax dollars well you know what take a stand i support it i am i'm taking a stand so we're at sally's house and uh sally someone who's never taken a stand is now stuck with these fucking chickens that she got to uh flirt with craig she's got yeah her flirting chickens her needy flirting chickens she's stuck with them now so she's carrying them in a plastic crate outside and uh she's like oh my god i love you guys but you're so stinky are you not dating austin yet because i feel like you're going to be saying that a lot of the time i know i'm like enough about the guys talk about the chickens also has she even handled these chickens before she looked like she never even dealt with them but she was so like what huh i don't think you ever get used to dealing with chickens they're not easy look at them they're pecking you they're running around they're just not soft cuddly creatures that's why the first person the first person tried to cuddle with the chicken it didn't work and they finally just strangled the chicken and ate it.

6:03They got so upset. That's how chicken nuggets came into existence. You're welcome. I'll tell you who knows their way around the chicken. Gonzo. I mean, Gonzo and Priscilla, the love affair, it's just that they have such a tender relationship, you know? Yeah. That's romantic. It was one for the ages. That was the... Now, if that guy was starring in one battle after another, I'd be in. He's like, where's Priscilla? I'd be into that. Blowing up his bones. but I think Sally it's this chicken thing is so sad and it's such a it's a small part of this episode it's really only this moment but she literally bought three living chickens and a coop just to impress Craig it's really one of the saddest displays I'm sure at the reunion she'll say no no no no no I actually was like I really wanted to get chickens and I was on the fence and then like Craig inspired me to like you know to do it but like i didn't do it for craig i did it for me i'm like that's fine but like no you bought it for craig you bought the chickens you did it for craig you did it for craig and that's you know you you shouldn't ever get chicken chickens are temporary they're edible tiny they have they don't have like the longest lifespan get a baby i mean well have you learned nothing like if you want to keep a man you have a baby or you get a baby that's what you do all that she wants is another baby then she's gone tomorrow but um she's putting these chickens in the crate and she's like yeah sort of struggling with it their names are cantaloupe coconut and popcorn which i you're naming food after food hey guys i'm having a burger today i'm calling it a ham i guess that's a hamburger i'm having a burger today so i'm gonna call it a popsicle why would you do that Stop naming your food food.

7:54But also like at least, like don't establish two thirds of a pattern and not see it all the way through. Cantaloupe and coconut. So first of all, they both start with C. These are both C word chickens and they're both fruit, coconut and cantaloupe. And then all of a sudden she goes to popcorn. Like, what are you thinking? What is wrong with you? Why are you such a lunatic? Why is the third one? Right, but like, why is the third one should be, I don't know. I mean, is there another seafood? You're a northerner because corn is a vegetable. But popcorn. Popcorn is a vegetable in the South. I know, but I'm saying like, it makes sense if you think of it as a southerner because she's naming her chickens after fruits and vegetables, which makes sense, you know?

8:44But I just feel, but honestly, I'm going to reject it. I will take my northerner status. I will be a Yankee about this. I feel like you got two fruits. Like you could go kumquat, but that is not spelled with a C, but it does. Kumquat does. It sort of sounds dirty with this cast kumquat, but like, I just, I'm offended by her naming conventions. I just think she can do so much better. Yeah, I think she could, but then you remember it, Sally and she can't name these chickens. Uh, opens a fridge, coconut. It's, you know, And you know, I hate naming one thing after another sometimes. I've explained this a lot.

9:26I don't understand why people name their dogs bear. That's a strange thing to me. And it's like the same thing. Why are you naming your chickens after other food? You do have a lot of weird pet rules. You don't want to name pets after other animals, and you also don't want them named after humans. No, I like them named after humans. I actually think it's really funny when they're named after humans, like Bob. I think you used to be against that. until you met like a Gladys or something that you liked the dog and changed your rules. No, no, I just am amused. I'm amused by formal human names for pets.

10:01Like, there was a TV show called The Great American Dog on CBS years ago. And there was a little Maltese named Andrew. And I thought that was the funniest thing, like that someone named their dog Andrew. And it was also like a formal version of a name. So I'm okay with it. I'm very amused by that, but I'm less, I just feel like it's just strange to name your dog another animal. It's just, it's like, people do it all the time. They name their dog Bunny or Bear. Bear is common, you know? Bear is common. Captain Sandy has one named Little Bear. It's a dog, though. It's a dog. Anyway, I vote that the third chicken be renamed Clementine, because that also sounds more of like a chicken name than popcorn.

10:45Right, but that also wouldn't work, because that's a type of apple. It's not an apple. You know what I mean? So she's saying, she's not saying like a type of coconut or a type of cantaloupe. She's calling the, so it would need to be like banana, you know, cherry maybe. But cherry is like, it's a C word, but it's like a, so it's a cherry. Yeah. Cherry's cute. Cherry's cute. Yeah. So I would just name them need a, and man, just call them need a man. And I'm, I'm willing to do anything. Even put the, even put the innocent lives of these chickens at stake for a man. Pick me, girl. Yeah. Chick me, girl.

11:20It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

11:28So she does. She's like, oh, my God, I'm terrified of popcorn. Of course, the only carb. The thin girl is like, oh, my God. And popcorn is horrible. Does pick. She's not about popcorn. popcorn and she screams uh she screams and drops popcorn because popcorn isn't easy you know why because you're keeping popcorn prisoner so that you could steal its unborn children to eat every day wonder why popcorn's upset i wonder it also may be that whole thing about being kept in captivity that might be upsetting popcorn as well yeah it's like room the chicken version you know like knows nothing else but sally coming we need galena to come in and liberate these chickens for real safely yeah so then we go over to madison's house and she's just lounging on the couch acting like she's binging out it's like so crazy to see madison eating guys isn't it she's eating skinny pop like smart pop whatever the fuck she's eating like come on madison get some fucking ice cream if you want me to go into your like i'm a mom and now i'm eating everything i Let's eat.

12:34Let me get some fucking ice cream. I want to see you eating peanut butter out of the container. I want to see you eating bread out of the bag. You know, the sliced bread out of the bag. Just dump it in the peanut butter. I've been eating like a pregnant woman my whole life. I know how it's done, Madison. Try harder. Skinny pop. There are one popcorn after another. Am I right? So she is finding out whether or not dogs can have popcorn. And guess what? Karen. Oh, my God. See, here is a perfect example. Karen, a dog named Karen, which I'm so amused by. Karen is, the popcorn is approved for Karen.

13:09So Madison starts throwing popcorn for Karen. And Karen is a little slow on the uptake. Not going to lie. Karen is like one of those dogs that stares at the bowl. Like, can I have the bowl of popcorn? She's like, I literally just threw some over there. Turn around, Karen. But she gets it. Karen gets there eventually. No, no. Madison was not throwing the popcorn. She was pretending to throw it. She was going, and then fake throwing it. And then going, and fake throwing it. And the dog was like, what the fuck? Like Karen's just down there like do not make me call the manager. I'm named Karen. And then she was she actually threw it.

13:37And then Karen's like thanks a lot. Thanks for me. And now I get to eat a piece of fucking popcorn after you've made me feel like a moron. Thanks. Karen's like I was told there'd be chicken. Isn't there a chicken named popcorn for me? Sorry. Yeah, I can't be the only one getting fat, Karen. That girl summer. Okay. and um i really did like when she said y 'all if i see it i'm gonna eat it we like that it's the best thing madison's ever said so uh she refrains from eating her phone and instead uses it to call craig to facetime him and he's like i love that you're snacking right now she's like i know look look at this and she little kernel of popcorn.

14:26Yeah. You know what? This is when I really am feeling what you just said. Like, if you're going to brag about what you're snacking on, like it should be melty. It'll be something chocolatey, melty or cheesy or something, but like, look at Madison. She cares so much about her calories and she's pinging out on smart pop. So Craig, okay. A Levain cookie, a big chunky cookie. That's too big for its own good. Yeah. So Craig, who's got the mental prowess of the popcorn gives her a call and they talk about snacking and what are you laughing at? Because I know like you were just like going on to the next line but when I was like give her a Levain cookie something too big and you just go yeah because you know what I know what's happening with you over there I see it coming I see that you're working yourself up and now that you said cookie you're going to just start naming shit that you want to eat right now because i also know that you're hungry because we just had a meeting before here and you were saying i'm hungry and i need a bagel and i know that that means that through this entire recap you're going to find reasons to talk about all the food that you're dreaming of eating and it just started i knew it was going to happen and you said the living cookie so i was like do i just move on or do i give into that you know no i know like that's why it was so funny to me because you had that look like okay ben is ben is out of control today like even at the radio when we were in the studio we were on a commercial break or something and you guys started talking about fucking calories and when you when you're all together and listen i've talked about how i'm so fat and my my whole show my whole time on this show my whole life i've done it so i know how hypocritical it is but you guys you three queens jeff you and um What's his buns?

16:15Shane. I snapped. All go in. You all go in. You talk about calories and what you're eating. You feel so fat. And then Annie starts. And then the other one, Kian starts. Then you're all talking about fucking calories. And then it goes into a segment. And then we spend the rest of our time on this radio show talking about everybody's fucking protein intake for the day. And I just knew. I knew it was coming. I know. Because you know what? You make me hungry. I've heard so much about weight loss. And then I was like, okay, man, you'll need to eat. you're like, I've spent years listening to you talk about weight loss.

16:48And I was like, okay, okay. Well, I feel like everyone gets to talk about GLP ones and everyone gets to talk about a Zempic. And like the moment I talk about, like I decided to cut out carbs, it's like, I guess it's cause like pass. The moment it's every, you're cutting out carbs every other day. You're like, guys, guess what? Today I'm cutting out carbs. The crappies are coming up. It's horrible. Stop cutting out carbs. Carbs deserve. I'm obviously not doing it. I'm obviously not doing it. I had a Reese's eating a buttercup for breakfast. in the green room. So I'm obviously not doing it. So I have to talk it out.

17:17So that way I feel better about myself. You have nothing to feel better about. You're already amazing, gorgeous, okay? That's it. Oh, stop it. That's it. So, okay. So they're still talking about food just like us. My plan did not work, apparently, I guess is the point. So Craig's like, well, I just wanted to call and touch base because I was so excited to come over for girls' night because, you know, it was my idea to sneak over. Austin doesn't have ideas. It was just my idea. But then like Austin's like hammered and he's like angry. And I'm like, I'm just going to go home because you're like hammered and angry.

17:50And I've done absolutely nothing. Like turn on one of my good friends for no reason on television and publicly and tried to shame her and throw her name in the mud just because I didn't want to date her. And Madison's like, well, I will say that we're not. When Austin showed up, Sally just started really talking really bad about you, just like the beta that she is. And Craig's like, really? That's not cool, though. either, Madison. That's not really how it happened. Sally didn't just start shit-talking Craig. She was told that Craig was just shit-talking her and throwing her under the bus and saying that she was a Hornado and everything else.

18:25He said tornado, but I heard what he really meant. Hornado. So then we see a flashback to all that and everything that happened. So Madison's like, I mean, Sally, she has feelings for you. You know, she bought chickens. Stupid, stupid slut. And Craig's like, I know, but she would have no reason to think I was into her just because I said like we should have sex you know yeah we raise chickens together and you should stay at my house after we've been in the hot tub all night together wherever did she get the impression that I liked her she's like wifey material I don't know why she got the impression that I liked her so she's basically like well I'm sure the flirting and the text messages had to factor into all of that you see a recap of those text messages where the primary offender was that she said, I should have stayed.

19:12And he was like, you could have stayed if you wanted. She's like, well, invite me next time. So that's like their big flirtatious moment, which I think is pretty flirty. I think late at night. Yeah. And he did say, I mean, so the text, yeah, it was fun. I should have stayed. Yeah. You could have, if you wanted, I did want invite me to stay next time. Sleep well. See you next week. You too. So it's, you know, it could have just meant you can stay if you're too drunk to go home. Like, I don't care. I have a couch. I live in a house. But, you know, I think staying out, like coming back and partying until like four in the morning with some girl who you know likes you and you talk about chickens.

19:47You were flirting, Craig. Okay. Well, especially because later in the episode he says that like when the two of them were left alone, she stood there waiting for a kiss and he kind of had to be like see you later. So he knew there was like she was into him at that point. And if she's saying I should have stayed at that point you, at that point if you want to diffuse you say something like, oh, it's all good. We're going to have so much fun with our friends this summer. Like you just, you can sort of, you can put it up, but you don't say like you could have stayed. Like that's not how you diffuse.

20:18If you're, if you see that someone's into you and you're not into them, there is a way to maybe push the mixed signals back in the other direction. And he was like, no, he loves the attention. I just think, and he like, he is all about it. He's got, and he keeps likes keeping options open for himself because that's what a lot of bros do. yeah so um she's like well what do you mean by that when you were when you were saying you can stay and he's like well she and Shep were in the kitchen and they had separate Ubers and then Shep left first and then she turned around and she gave me a hug and just like stood there looking at me and I was like all right get home safe and then yeah that's when she texted me I mean what am I what do you do when a girl says that like I should have stayed like you're supposed to say no you shouldn't like what am i supposed to say in that situation you literally do you do the haha do actually that's what you should have said yeah haha non-committal but also like you're joking right because clearly we don't have any sort of romantic connection that's no i think you should send her the emoji that everyone knows means go home an eggplant and go home and make eggplant parmesan everyone knows yeah a fire cook eggplant eggplant cook and a heart and then the lips that are like the least of rentalness and then now craig does his favorite thing which is to infantilize himself uh to be cute and sweet and incapable of being a bad guy so he goes i'm just a dumb boy and i literally laughed out loud in trouble because we always say that as the guys on this show i'm just a boy so when they actually say that i crack up he's like i'm just a dumb boy million dollar smile yeah seriously i mean i have a crush on charlie little kindergarten crush on charlie i'm a little boy and i'm concerned that this whole thing is gonna stress her out and be like if sally likes craig it's easier to just like not go hang out with him like that's my biggest fear.

22:17Like, okay. Also, if you really like Charlie over Sally and you all were hanging out in the hot tub and blah, blah, blah, the easiest way to friend zone Sally would have been one of the nights that Charlie wasn't there, which there have been plenty of, I'm sure, that you say, hey, who are you into? And then wait until she doesn't say, and then you say, yeah, I'm really into Charlie. I really like Charlie. Boom. Friend zoned. Done. But, you know, you can't because you like to keep them both on the hook. meanwhile charlie's like in her own independent film over here just like slowly unraveling over the course of the season over the stupid craig thing because now we go crafting with her right doesn't it feel like she's in some movie where she should be like in a supermarket like putting things in her cart and like hair coming out and like crying i mean she's like she's she's behind herself over this stupid situation she is she's really stressed out over it so i thought she's gonna be so much more self-possessed i thought she'd be like i'm the hot girl i'm here Now I call the shots and said, she's like, what do I do?

23:12Should I even go to this? You can't even go to Starbucks. I don't want to get the same order as Sally. She'll be mad at me. Oh no, but we both love lattes. Can I even show myself in the craft studio? What is everybody going to think about me? Oh my God. Just give me a scar. Can I make a scarlet letter and just put that on my sweater? Can I just make a scarlet letter? I think Sally's going to be mad at me if I go into a color me mind. Can we call it color me hours? I just don't want to feel like I'm taking something from her. um so she's there with molly and um they look like they're in two different shows too because molly's i don't know what molly's in but i love i fucking love molly i don't know what she's doing half the time but i really like her really like her energy her energy is just like what i made this dress and like i don't care what you're saying right now like what i'm trying to paint a fucking coffee mug molly truly makes no sense i love her too she's so funny but like she doesn't seem to have any true relationships with these girls she sort of drifts in and scoffs and then goes home and looks for a snake that's hidden somewhere and like she just sort of like grafted onto this show like superimposed onto it and like has no impact on anything but like also one of my favorite parts of it so yeah i don't really understand so i'll take it yeah i really like it and i just like she she always has this look on her face where her eyes are squinted and she just looks like you're an idiot you know she just looks at you like you're so stupid so she's with charlie and Charlie's like, so have you ever been here before?

24:39Do you think anybody recognizes me? It's the whore that I am. Oh my God. I'm a terrible person. Molly's like, no, but I do kind of like this stuff. And Charlie's like, are you crafty? The way I am. I'm such a crafty bitch. Oh my God. And she's like, yeah, they both seem so unenthused by this that they have to, I feel like they were paid and they like have to pretend like they care about crafting because they both seem like this is awful. But like, yeah, I love crafting. Let's craft crafting. Well, they can only shoot so many scenes at a park bench. You know, I think they've they've hit their limit.

25:16So Charlie tells us I'm not a creative person by any means. I mean, that's why I like working in an art gallery. I mean, I look at art. I like selling it, not doing it. Well, don't worry. You're in a fucking craft store. It's not like no one's expecting much from you. I know you're not like in the yellow house with Van Gogh expected to turn out some sort of like. portraits of mats or pieces you're just i do a little yeah you're making a mosaic like it'll be okay um i do craft night when i'm in texas with my sister and nieces it's always so fun and my sister stresses out so much and we're just doing these dumb things it's like okay get alcohol inks and put them on a tile and then blow it around with a straw and it makes a cool pattern and my my sister's always like god i suck at this i'm so bad at this i'm so bad at art why don't i have any artistic ability it's like dude we just dumped paint onto a canvas and like moved it around on a lazy susan and called it art it's like oh god i can't even do that right right art is terrible i hate art night but also you're really good at crafts and art so i can imagine being like wow i thought mine was nice but i just look like i mean thank you but literally i choose things that you it's like okay tonight's craft is we're all going to take a piece of pizza eat half of it and then smear the rest of it on a postcard and she'll be like oh my god you suck at this like the easiest it's like the easiest most formless shit ever she still gets so upset i can understand i'm an overachiever um and i i used to be so good at art oh art was my jam but i haven't done art in so long that now most of my stuff looks like crap which is just really tragic but every now and then i can i can get a little crafty once in a while my craftiness comes out like around Halloween, I'll cobble together some sort of sad little costume.

27:08And, you know, that's like my moment of creativity for the year. You're good. You're really good with your Halloween costumes. Actually. I do enjoy that. Yeah. You're good with those. Like a, like a, like a homemade crafty costume. I don't go out there looking like Sierra on summer house. Whenever she does costumes, I mine's like a hundred percent homemade, but like therein is the fun, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like it's like, give myself credit. You grew up, but you're your own mom, which I like, you know, correct so they sit down to make their mosaics and uh charlie is gonna do a sunset she's like well maybe i'll do a sunset or like some kind of wave i'm just gonna look into my lookbook of waves oh there's one that's cresting there's another one that's cresting hmm oh look at that one it's cresting so many options for waves it's like oh my god i'm scared to use the wire cutter i would do that and so she does she uses it and molly's like geez that is scary so how are you after everything that happened at madison's house that's the way molly's looking at her like you fucking moron you'll be okay you'll survive this yeah so then we're gonna they're gonna talk about the uh the slumber party and everything and uh sally is she is i don't remember if this is part oh yeah that was part of the flashback but we come back and charlie is she's saying like you know the thought of going on this date brings me so much anxiety it's scarier than cutting a wire just did another one is this terrifying it's just because like sally was definitely hurt by craig and i feel bad about that but at the same time like i'm attracted to craig i mean that's why i'm going on the date should i even go i shouldn't go so i'm a terrible person but now it puts me in like a really weird position because it's like greg you're so cute and sally like she hates me so much oh my god what do i do she's a mother of chickens now i'm hurting a single mother of five she's got two dogs and chickens a single mother of five what if i never saw this happening to me molly's like i mean it's the same place that sally and vanita were in and you know sally was in a weird place but she was like whatever i'm gonna do what i want so kind of similar because you know molly hates sally this season which is kind of fun it doesn't it's not very impactful but like she just chimes in on the side being like fuck that bitch am i right okay you'll get it yeah yeah and she's got a point there you know she's like yeah she didn't give a shit what her friend thought so why would you give a shit what she thinks she's like kind of similar she goes i mean i guess commercials here comes one right now

29:43by the way we have a couple things that we need to add so apparently on the after show we found out that vanita didn't just like leave the party because she was upset she had a kidney infection and had to go to the hospital, I guess, which is weird because she did say, but I'm upset and I'm leaving. So I'm not really sure how that got edited into a weird place because she definitely left because she was upset. So I don't know if she was upset and that triggered a kidney thing. I don't know. I don't know. But just to update people. Okay. And the other thing that was super weird in the after show, I just saw a clip, But Vanita is talking about how she really loves Sally and that she wants to know where Sally is at all times.

30:26And she has her location. And so she checks her location at night and makes sure that Sally is at home at a certain time of night so she's not out getting into trouble with boys. And whoever she's talking to, I don't remember if it's Molly or Charlie, but they're looking at her like, uh-huh, okay. and well that's nice but it's like you see in their face it's like you're so you're just crazy so you're nuts you're coming out as just being fucking nuts at this point and I kind of like that that we're just like slowly finding out that maybe Vanita is just nuts she's just maybe she's unstable in more than one way is because she falls over a lot and now we're finding out that maybe she's unstable in new ways so that's exciting slowly getting new layers to Vanita yeah but I like it I will take those off camera or off the main show qualities of Vanita they make me more interested so Molly's like well I mean Craig like look Craig is he a good guy when he likes you and he's a bad guy when he likes Charlie like it doesn't make much sense Sally like it's hypocritical but that's Sally in a nutshell classic Sally so then uh charlie's like i just i don't want to upset sally and molly's like uh you gotta quit caring so much i know it's just it's hard because like whenever it's like literally my best friend and she's like telling me that she doesn't care like it doesn't feel it doesn't feel like that i think that she cares it's like okay can you put down your mosaic pieces okay stop wiping your tears with those that you're gonna you're gonna cut your cheeks yeah she's like oh why am i bleeding um so i thought it was funny because charlie says yeah you know it's like she said she doesn't care but it doesn't feel like she doesn't care and it cuts to it cuts to sally going well have fun on your date he's gonna write me off like that like fuck him but i guess you should have fun because it's gonna happen to you yeah it's it seems like sally's really psyched for your date i can see why you're confused so molly's like oh don't be sad pretty girl i know it's all stressful, but like, you're not meant like you're not meant to be, or you're not a good friend.

32:41Like literally like Charlie, I promise you, like you are a good friend. It's all good. And Charlie's like, I just want them to be okay with each other. She's like starting to choke up. And Molly's like, Oh God, this one, like I care about another stupid blonde twig crying about a guy who likes her too much. So Molly's like, well, if she's claiming not to care, then maybe you just have to go by that and be like, all right. You said you don't care. So I'm going on the date. Yeah. So like just do just fucking do what feels right. I mean, what do you want from me? So what'd you end up making? She's like, oh, nothing.

33:14I have blood all over my glass now. What did you make? Charlie's like, are you funny? Duh. Pretty amazing. You're a moron. She's like, be true to yourself. Don't call me again. This was not. This was painful. Yeah. I'd rather go back and shoot more scenes with Whitney. okay in his lair i'd rather get the fucking whitby again get me out of here rodrigo and tyler go to a store called celadon to do some interior designing um and uh you know this is rodrigo is outfitting shep's new home uh because he is an interior designer and so rodrigo's like empirically shep is cheap but in this process he never gave me a budget so baby i'm flying free so now we're going to see rodrigo at work doing his art yes picking furniture and so he goes in and the sales lady's like oh rodrigo god i haven't seen you in a long time have we given up the business where we've been rodrigo mr non-working rodrigo hey everybody here's um hobbyist decorator rodrigo welcome him back to the store haven't seen him in a while wow you still know what the couch is Okay, you're just sitting on lawn furniture these days.

34:28Those customers all dry up. Okay, enjoy the store. We've got a bunch of$4 ,000 tables, you fucking idiot. Thanks for coming in. And Tyler's like, oh my God, that's the largest coffee table I've ever seen. Iconic. And the lady's like, those are actually old opium beds from China. Oh, cool. Associated with drug use. Perfect for Shep. Shep is going to love that. This is an opium. It's from an opium den in China. Gosh. It's$4 ,100. You took this out of a crack house and you want to charge me$4 ,100 for it? It's like, hey, this came from a drug den. It's got sperm all over it. Very old sperm, though.

35:15It's antique sperm. Okay. And it's$4 ,100. Consider yourself lucky to get this bargain. so then i mean rodrigo's really leaning into like antiquities and antiques for shep which i'm like is this shep's aesthetic i mean what is shep's aesthetic like rumpled clothes i'm not sure you can't decorate the house with a baseball cap with an american flag on it you know what i mean this is it it's easily what are you going to decorate it's like okay but here's my client think of a crumpled brown paper bag that spits when he talks but he get him so um Rodrigo is uh mentioning that they have a busy week coming up because the engagement party and Tyler I like Tyler going well you proposed to me so you should be planning it like you can't trap me into planning this on camera okay I already said I'm going to make Ina Garton's weeknight bolognese and that's my contribution you figure out the rest he's like um I don't think that that's how that works Tyler he's like yeah it is You can plan it and you will plan it.

36:14He's like, you're a fucker. So he talks about how they got engaged in Greece nine months ago. I am Greek. I am Greek. Joke about having a cash bar, which I would do. I don't think that's a joke. I want to have like a BYOB if I ever do it. I would be like, just bring it on. I think I would not do a cash bar at your engagement party. I just wouldn't do that. I don't think so. I think, I don't know. I feel like you should, if you're going to do a whole big fancy, let me put it this way. If you do a party, maybe at like a restaurant, short cash bar, but if you're doing this whole thing, a lavish production with chairs and tables and everyone has to be dressed in white, that's sort of implying a certain amount of like luxury and a certain amount of, you know, to do like if everyone has to follow all these rules and then it's like, oh, and by the way, you also have to pay for your drinks.

37:07I don't know. I don't like that. I think, well, I mean, I think you're right. I think that's tacky. Maybe it should be like a potluck or like a bring your own. I would do like a B M A M wedding, like a bring me a man wedding. I'm just going to throw myself a wedding where you have to bring all your own food and drinks and also bring someone for me to marry. Right. Cause I'm never, I'm never putting the effort into any of that stuff. That sounds perfect. Yeah. I, I'm actually a little surprised that they threw this sort of party. I really did think that Tyler speaks to me as a, truly as a barefoot contest.

37:38Again, I don't know if we ever saw him doing that, but like I've always had it in my mind that he has at least three of Ina Garten's cookbooks and I think that he would just have like a little like a thing where people show up in blazers and past apps that are all kind of like Hamptons-y and it's in their house and they play some nice music they put on some buble in the background and it's like nice but boring and then everyone leaves but I was not expecting them to do a like take us back to Santorini kind of engagement party everyone has to wear white and um you know it's like more like it's just it just was fancier than i was expecting from these two well i mean it wasn't a borrowed backyard i mean it's not that fancy i'm just telling people to wear why it's not that fancy but i don't want to diss it or anything it looked nice you know they put up a tent for them to like kiss each other under and stuff that was nice i think asking people to wear all white and not have beer stains on it is pretty fancy for this show so yeah this is southern charm so this was pretty elegant um so um they're talking about their wedding and he's like yeah i mean now that we're engaged people are asking me like when is the wedding and i'm like what like i want to get my kitchen done like i'm remodeling my kitchen because i'm i'm a designer and i don't want to go on reddit and have people saying like what the fuck is his fucking design aesthetic how is he designer's kitchen looks like shit and we see many pull quotes from reddit of people being like he's a designer and his kitchen looks like shit i was surprised did we ever clock that i'm actually shocked i feel like we didn't because i thought wow these people are even gayer than we are on reddit because i don't think we've dissed his kitchen before have we i don't think i've noticed it truly i don't think i truly realized that rodrigo was a an interior designer until this season he may have told us but in my mind i thought he was like a lawyer or something like i didn't get you did not visually uh strike me as an interior designer because i feel like he doesn't talk about design a lot or looks or i don't know or maybe i just missed it maybe i just had a blind spot either way i just am like upset that we missed a chance that we could have really hounded him for his kitchen because that probably would have been a really fun thing for us to do yeah well it's gone now that time's over we lost um so yeah they're like rodrigo's an interior designer what a loser the countertop the backsplash that is unforgivable i must have missed the live life love decor i mean that does sound like something we'd say he has a grandma we didn't say something about this this all sounds like us like the stupid comments we'd say so he goes like bitch i know i know that's why i'm not married yet i want a better kitchen my career is tanking because everyone's making fun of my kitchen so uh tyler is hoping that austin's gonna bring audrey you know and rodrigo's like i mean she's dad she's coming so audrey life of the party and she's like yeah and how do you think audrey's gonna feel about seeing shep and craig for the first time am i right girl literally nobody cares what audrey thinks i mean what is audrey doing here i think audrey is like one of those people that you just audrey is one of those people that in los angeles like you see them going into the celebrity center for the first time like they're being invited by some scientologists like hey you want to come in for a free evaluation they're like yeah it's free evaluation and you're like there's no helping them you know that you should run them run over and be like no no no this isn't what you think it's going to be they're going to ruin your life but you're like they're just too dumb just let them go just let them go that's how i feel about audrey audrey like we want to save audrey but if you if this show has been on for 10 years and you're still dumb enough to date these guys i can't feel bad for you yeah i mean that's like it's it's a choice that she's made to go with austin but i actually do like audrey because what i like is seeing her go from like oh my god like this nice sweet girl audrey last season to slowly realizing the hell that she has entered herself into and like realizing that that like austin is austin and he's surrounded by awful people and she's just like why am i doing this you just sort of see that realization all over her face as you do.

41:41Yes. You know, I don't really, I don't dislike Audrey at all. I just don't, I just wouldn't save her. I wouldn't run over to help her because I feel like Audrey, I look at Audrey and I think of three letters and D Y R do your research. You know, she's like, well, unfortunately I went to a BMAM event and this is what I wound up with. And I, I just, my friend said I shouldn't do it. And I, I'm too committed. I have to see this through. Yeah. Prove them wrong. But yeah, it was a mistake. It was a mistake to do BMAM. Yeah. Rodrigo says, well, I mean, I don't think she's too comfortable with crack and chef throwing the, throwing her, throwing him under the bus.

42:23But I mean, I do believe that the shit chef was going around saying about him. No, I mean, I don't believe that. But if Austin has some hesitation about their relationship, like I just want him to be upfront with her. And Tyler's like, yeah, stop stringing things along. He's like, I don't know. I was like, no, seriously, too many fairy lights. Like, do we have to do this in the backyard so much? Can we stop stringing so many lights together? It's kind of annoying me right now. Now Austin and his sister Katie are out, and they're at Santi's Mexican restaurant, and Austin's one of those people who goes to a Mexican restaurant and goes, hola, we're here for some Mexicano food.

42:58I'm bilingual. I'm bilingual. Do you have some tostadas? No, dude. He's like, behold, Santi's. I love this place. And you know, everyone at Cianti's is like, oh God, behold the moron. Oh God. Can I go on break? Table for two. Por favor.

43:20He literally says, por favor. I'm telling you. He's like, I'm a guy. I know. And he's like, well, seriously though, thank you for pulling the trigger with me. Thank you so much. I can't believe it took me this long to decide to get married to my own sister. She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pulling the trigger. That was not what I meant. By pulling the trigger, he meant they got brother and sister tattoos, sibling tattoos. Yup. They got tattoos in honor of their sister. It's like the birthday. It's like birthday of their sister who passed and then birthday of Katie's birthday. So it's like sister to sister.

43:58It's very nice. Very lovely. Especially in light of recent podcasts that were a bit insensitive about this situation. Oh, my God. Did you see that clip? Oh, my God. The Nick Vial podcast. Oh, my God. Awkward. I went back and watched the rest. I was like, for those of you who didn't see it, Austin goes on their podcast. And they're like, oh, you know, great. Blah, blah, blah. Regular interview. So, you know, your sister died. Yes, yes. It was very sad. Yeah. So, how did that happen again? And he's like, oh, well, you know, we were. He kind of tells a story. And she's like, so they just got so weird about it.

44:39I was like, is this a true crime? Are you trying to pin the murder on him? What is happening in this podcast? It was just so uncomfortable. I think he handled it pretty well, but the internet went crazy. They were like, fuck you too. And I was like, yeah, what were you guys, what were you guys thinking on that one? Yeah, that was a, that was just a deep dive into your sister's death. Let's just keep asking question after question. in afterquest. It was just a bit, it was insensitive. So Austin was like, anyways, Audrey's coming in tonight and Farad and Tyler's engaging party tonight. So I'm so excited to see her and because I haven't seen her in two weeks, I cannot wait.

45:17It's like, excuse me, sir. The people at the next table are concerned that you're watering down their guacamole. Could you please just like try to just, here's a shield from COVID, one of those clear shields. Just put on your face. Thank you so much.

45:32And Katie's like, okay, but like, um, have you guys even talked about, like, if she was going to move here? Like, have you even talked about that possibility? He's like, no, no, no. I feel like it's like a little bit like she's been like living in the, in the moment. And I've been like living in the moment and like, you know, the moment she's not here. And that's like a great moment. I love those moments. You know, you really got to appreciate the moments that your girlfriend's not in town, which I do. So that's been really fun. That's what, that's the moment we're living in. She's like, um, okay.

45:58That was a whole lot of bullshit. but like you've been dating for like a year and a half and like you're having hesitation about Audrey moving here like what is it that's telling you to like to not have her come here like if you're not gung-ho then like what are you uh gung no right high five right oh oh sorry hey why are you sounding so aggressive I just realized that was very anti your brother and she's like um I I love Audrey. And he's like, I know, I know. And she says, yeah, I just like, you need to like feel gung ho. I'm just going to say gung ho a lot because like you really need to be gung ho.

46:36I just want you to be gung ho. Like, why aren't you gung ho? Why aren't you like a Michael Keaton comedy? And he, as the producer said, I was thinking of that too. That was a good one. Remember when he worked the car line, he had to make all the cars. It's a good one. It's a glimpse into America. Yeah. Gung ho. So the producer is like, you're just not ready to take that next step already. Well, I have some reservations. It's insane not to. And like, much like I had some reservations about getting cats. So what I'm trying to say is Audrey is kind of like a small little furry creature that I could use on camera to make people like me since I've had so many years of bad edits.

47:11So like, yeah, I guess when I think about Audrey, I say, wait, this could be the last step, last next step of my life. It's like, you ever see those movies where someone's walking up a staircase and then there's no more staircase. they don't realize and they fall off a cliff and die. That's what she's like. The last step before that happens. Austin's such a wuss in this situation. Like we all know that Austin has this girlfriend long distance so he can repair his relationship, look good on camera, like he's being so good. And now he's going to be like, oh my God, I just, I don't know if I can be with her because I'm just not serious enough.

47:45Now that he's found someone else to fuck on camera, whose name is Sally. And so now he's going to get rid of this girl that he's been using as a placeholder, and he doesn't even have the nerve to do it alone. He's got to drag everybody else. He's got to bring his sister on TV to talk him out, to talk him into dumping her. You know what I mean? Like, we all know that you don't like her. We all know you're going to dump her the second you found somebody else to bring on camera, which you did, and now you're going to make everybody else in your life come on and talk you out of it. Just grow up, dude.

48:14You're not into it. You've never been into it. Dump her. You've got cats now. You've got the reputation to think. Cats. Cats. Now and forever, he has cats. So Katie is like, is the benefit, is your benefit of stepping back to be like, do I miss you enough? Is it really what I want? I mean, what are you doing if you're not all in? Like Teddy Mellencamp. And he's like, oh, well, it's kind of like a meteor that's coming towards earth. But I'm like, no, no, no. It's like in six months. I'm like, you don't have to worry about that meteor for six months. And I'm just like, whoa, I'm enjoying it. Even though that's like a no, that's there, it's coming.

48:49So what I'm trying to say is that Audrey is like a catastrophic event that will kill all of humanity. And I'm just trying to enjoy myself before my life is like a barren wasteland full of dark skies and burning seas. So wait, you're saying you want a thicker girlfriend like you want a meteor girlfriend? No, she's like an end of the world event. Audrey is the apocalypse. She has zombies coming out of the ground to eat my fucking face off. When I had sex with her, the only way I can imagine getting on Audrey is pretending I'm Bruce Willis being sent onto the meteor to blow it up from the inside.

49:30Do you know what I'm saying? Okay, well, I don't want to put like a dark cloud on us hanging out or anything like that. I mean, this has been fun talking about how Audrey is basically the end of the world. But, you know, I do understand now that you've told me that I need to be more gung-ho. Is that the word you use? Gung-ho. Be more gung-ho. Yeah. I need to have a very tough conversation. That is definitely in our imminent future. I said imminent. I said imminent. Fast forward a day. Audrey, let me put it to you this way. I am like a Japanese auto manufacturer, and you are a meteor coming to destroy the cars.

50:06and I don't know for the productivity of my Toyotas if that's going to be good for us. So I'm going to need to send your meteor to a different car factory. Does that make sense? I don't know what advice your sister gave you, but you're really failing right now. Yeah. By the way, I had an extremely vivid dream about seeing a meteor shower last night and it's clear it's because of the stupid analogy that Austin made. Because I watched the show right before I went to bed and clearly I watched it I had a dream about meteors because Austin mentioned meteors. So thanks a lot for incepting me, Austin.

50:43God, you got incepted by Austin. That's crazy. It's terrible. Did you wake up with a wet face? You're like, why do I have a bit of tortilla chip in my eye? So weird. Why did I wake up saying, por favor, good morning. Por favor, senorita. Congratulations. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious.

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