#3191 Southern Charm S11E09 Part One: Just EscarGOT

0:21Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crabbens. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. It is Southern Charm Day today. Go grab your tickets for the Golden Crappies one month away, February 27th in Hollywood, California at the Fonda Theater. Get your tickets at watchofcrappens.com. Streaming tickets are going on sale next Wednesday. Wednesday. So we're excited about that. And so voting will also commence. There will be two rounds of voting and that starts Wednesday as well. So you can find that stuff on our socials, watchwhatcrapins.com, Patreon.

1:05Patreon has a new newsletter. It's free to everybody. It's basically a weekly blog on what's going on on Bravo. That's super fun. And any news or whatever, we're going to be doing the South Beach Food and Wine Festival in the middle of February. That's going to be super fun. If you're in Miami, come check that out. And I think that's it for that, right? What else do I have to say? Oh, yeah. Just go. Yeah. Patreon's where you get everything. Newsletter, ad-free listening, bonus episodes, videos of all our recaps, and that's that. But today is... Emotional fulfillment. Emotional fulfillment. Yeah.

1:38It's hugs. It's hugs with words. So, now we have Southern Charm, Season 11, Episode 9, Best Frenemies Forever. This is the big fight episode. This is the one where at the in the season premiere, the entire season began with these knuckleheads sitting here having dinner and screaming at each other. And I always assumed they were in a private room because the way they shot it, it looked like they were in like a dark, sumptuous private room. But I was so shocked to see that they were just in a strange banquette in the middle of a crowded restaurant. I was like, so these guys were screaming in the middle of a restaurant, which is like par for the course for Bravo, but I don't know.

2:21It just seems so much more embarrassing to me once I got the full context. I don't know if anyone else had that thought, but I was definitely thinking it. You know, there's something sad, I think, about these four guys together. You know, it's like you see the four guys, they call themselves the core four. I call them the whore core. But there is four guys, they have all of this opportunity for vaginal fulfillment all around them because they're on a TV show and they are never going to give that up no matter what. You know, it's like a key to go to any bar in Charleston and get laid as long as they're on TV and they are never going to give it up.

2:57They're just not. And seeing them and that's fine. Look, I'm not a marrying type either. I love being single. And that's just how I live. So it's not like I'm dissing the lifestyle. It's just that I know that they're doing it. I'm doing it because my auntie Lulu was an inspiration and she died. She was the only person in my family who died with a smile on her face. And you know why? She kept men out of her life. And so that's my hero. That's why I do it. These guys do it because they have like a gold card to just get what they want forever. And I just, I feel like it's sad. It seems like some kind of addiction that they can't get over.

3:33And so to see them all just like kind of haggard, you know, it's like 10 years into this. They're looking like kind of used. And it made me sad. I mean it's a great visual metaphor for them is that they're in the middle of this crowded restaurant with lots of people lots of people lots of faces a lot of excitement lots of nitro teenies floating around and they're in this sort of like shell the banquette is this tall thing that goes above their heads and it's this round I don't know it's like a little it's this what's the right word it's like a high walled it's like they're in like a well. It's like a well.

4:14The baby Jessica's thrown down the well. They're in their walled garden. You put the hose in it. You recoil your hose and put it in this container. But they're sitting in there. There's one little entrance. The waiter can come in and drop off their food. And I was like, this is so perfect. They're basically in a literal bubble in the middle of a restaurant. And it's a dark bubble. It's a dark, dark bubble. And all that matters to them is their stupid fight. inside this restaurant when there's so much joy and happiness around them that they're just not even aware of yeah and they're even served with a giant dong because the only way that they can get pepper across that table is to have a gigantic you know five foot tall pepper grinder so they're being served by this like giant dick you know well that's all they're thinking of they're all dying alone and fighting over their failed beer companies or whatever and it's just like welcome to 40 you know it's like and then we've seen the the uh the treats the coming treats for next week or the coming season that austin probably cheated on his girlfriend which i don't think anybody's really shocked by that but it's like here you are 40s you're still cheating on these children that you're dating you're talking about all these girls that whitney had to fuck before they even got on the show that you're all going to use and just throw away within a year anyway like the whole thing just made me feel sad and when i say sad i mean i laughed a lot and was like haha i told you told you 10 years ago suckers yeah so uh anyway there you go here we are southern charm here we are hugs well uh the show opens up with a little comedy moment because uh shep is rooming with craig while his place gets redone so he's staying with craig and so they do like a sitcom bit where it's called roomies and we just see craig preparing breakfast they have a laugh track and everything and uh craig is um not very good at this he basically uh he drops some eggs he he takes a bowl he has a bowl of eggs that are piled super high and he's trying to balance them but also do things and guess what an egg falls onto the floor and breaks and just so great tracks like oh it It opens with Craig going, what do we call the electronic assistant?

6:29I forgot her name. I think we changed her name to, let's just say, like Padgett or something. I don't know. Today it's Bertha, but he's like, Bertha, are you supposed to cook bacon in a cast iron pot? A cast iron skillet is a good choice for cooking bacon as it conducts heat evenly. this is also he's like all right all right that's all i needed um did she is she the one who told you to put eggs in a bowl you know he's one of those people that he likes to think of himself as a martha stewart but he doesn't actually know how to do any of the stuff he just likes to put on the aprons and put his eggs in a bowl people don't put eggs in a bowl they just don't like not piled like that you saw that on a cookbook cover and we're like i'm just gonna put my eggs in a bowl and now you're dropping them all over the floor because that's not how eggs go they come in a carton with little individual holders on purpose, you dumbass.

7:24They're round. Yes. And the thing is, there are some people who might pile some eggs into a bowl and looks very cute in the fridge, but they don't pile them that high. The point is that they're in the bowl. The bowl can contain them. But these eggs were rising up above like the Great Pyramids of Giza or whatever. Is that what they're called? Giza? I have no idea. Burnett, tell me the answer. But like, it was just a giant structure of eggs. And then on top of that, you've got eggs in a bowl. And he's like trying to balance it to grab something else out. And of course, an egg's going to go toppling off.

8:05You know? I mean, and this is someone who wants to have chickens. And he's got a fucking rug in there as well. So he drops it. It breaks all over the rug. And then he just cleans it with a little paper towel. Now your rug has salmonella. I mean, just everything he did. Like in five seconds, his house is just salmonella filled. I keep on making an egg. I mean, it was just so sad. So there's a laugh track, but there should be a cry track because there needs to be like the real reactions of at least the, you know, snooty gays watching this show who are like, oh, the egg. What did the egg do? That's not how you use a skillet.

8:43So Jack doesn't have to be the one that truly cleans that up. But we all know. Poor Jack. Yeah. And so Shep comes in and he's like, what are you doing, Garce? He's like, oh, just cleaning up an egg off the floor. And Shep goes, oh, on my account. He goes, Shep, you're going to be the death of me. You're the one who just killed an egg. Salmonella is going to be the death of you. Yeah, it sure will be. You're going to get salmonella on your toe when you walk over that. diet. It's a beautiful name for, by the way, beautiful name for bacterial situation. Salmonella? Beautiful. Think about it. That's what they should call the virtual assistants.

9:29Hey, Salmonella, can I cook bacon? You would think it would be called like Salmonococcus. Salmococcus. Maybe in some countries. But like, why do we call it Salmonella? She was like the fancy bacteria. It was named after the girl in school that everybody fell in love with. Salmonella. Can't help but get it into your system. She loved it raw. A salmon who showed up at the ball. Like, wait a second. Who is this beautiful salmon? Or it's just a great Carter. Salmonella Carter. It's a great singer. It's like,

10:21Give me a break. Give me a break. Give me a break. Now I know what it takes. Give me a break. It's so pretty. Skinny smooth ass ink. God, I love Nell Carter. I need her in my life. And I have her in my life. Every day I play some Nell Carter. Well, not every day, but many days of the week. I'm like, you know what? I'm not in a good mood. Yeah, she sings on the original, well, she sings on the movie cast album of Hair. Oh. She's got a lot of songs in there, and I just love her so much. And I also listen to Ain't Misbehavin' a lot because I love that musical. So I'll just put those on when I'm not in a good mood and I get some Nell Carter.

11:02That's the one where she sings.

11:10that's all i really need to listen to i'm happy it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

11:22i am proud to say well i don't have the eight misbehaving um get it although my parents had it growing up so it was always playing in the house but um i um i do have both versions of the give me a break theme song because there are two versions there's one that's like plucking a beat you know there's one that's like now give me a break and then there's one that's like slow and like has like electric piano it's like give me a break i don't know they have two different vibes but they're both quintessentially nell carter and i mean either one you listen to you just imagine her pulling the dust buster out of the fish tank.

11:58Yeah. Or she was vacuuming the fish tank. What is she doing? Or is it a phone that comes out of the fish tank? I thought it was a fish. Did you just take the fish? Yeah. Yeah. She throws it at Joey Lawrence's head. Calls it a day. But when it's trash day and it's time to put out the trash, I sing, Give up all your pots and pans. Give them every little thing you can. Don't give them away. No, no, no. Get some cash for your trash. That's from me. We got a lot of pots and pans, huh? Yeah, it's that kind of day, I'm telling you. Well, everyone, the daily saucepan is done. What a joy. So now the chef's like, oh, chocolate milk.

12:39Yeah, it's like the good stuff, too. It's like the good chocolate milk. The good stuff. It's literally just chocolate milk. It's a normal container of chocolate milk. I know, it's actually not the good stuff. yeah it looks like a glass bottle that's like 20 for this chocolate milk it's in a glass bottle guys just chocolate it's like the literal opposite of the good stuff it is like the generic supermarket chocolate milk that's just not as satisfying as if you get like the little quick bottle you know we all know that he just pours it all over the next quick really he pours it into the um the cast iron skillet so do you know how addicted i used to be to quick but this used to be called quick before it was called nesquick and the little bunny on it and we would have that like that yellow can we had to like take the the your spoon and pry it under the lid to pop it off but put in there and i think you're supposed to you know you take a glass of milk and you're supposed to take like one spoon and just like put it in swirl it i would do three to four spoons of that i'd go i mean it would be swirling around forever it was i mean it was the sweetest chocolate milk you've ever tasted in your life.

13:47And I, good God, I loved it. I still drink chocolate milk every day. I just finished it. I just add two shots of espresso to it and call it a mocha, but it's basically just, I don't even put ice in it. It's just a big, nice, and I was going to stop drinking it because the hormones from milk or whatever, apparently like keep me from losing weight. I don't know. That's what the doctor said. So I stopped doing it for a week and it was not a good week. I didn't enjoy the week. So I'm just like, I don't care if I'm still chunky. I'm just going to drink my chocolate milk every day. I I don't care. No one's taking it away from me.

14:17Got the good stuff. So then. Get some couch, you know trash. So now we go over to Madison's house. Well, not her house. She's going to Mimosa Nail Spa. Hi there. It's where a mimosa will actually do your nails. It's strange. They give you mimosas when you go there, but there's nails in it. Little nail clippings. so she goes in there and she wants to have her nails to be Ferrari red Vanita joins and Vanita's like oh my god you're so pregnant how much longer do you have well if you look at these buns we got like minutes okay I've been ready for five months ago I'm ready for this quorum to be born pregnancy is not for the week I mean my hands are going to sleep I'm getting Charlie horses in my bags why did you get charlie horses in your legs nobody told me that so they're just sort of like vanita's touching the baby belly and everything and there's kicking and stuff and madison's like you're like i mean this is like when he turns like a total bitch and get away with it because so here we come i'm a bitch i was like i feel like total bitch and getting away with it ever since you've been on this show please don't change yeah yeah you get away with it anyway vanita's like i cannot wait to meet your baby can i put an air tag on it just swallow this hair tag i know where your baby is at all hours make sure your baby is home before 10.

15:44so we're talking about hudson being excited and she's nervous and she's like oh yeah because i'm nervous because i broke my pelvis when i had hudson i just got a tiny pelvis i was on a walker for three months so i don't want to get pregnant but you know we're almost there she's already four pounds so i have large babies scheduled c-section this round tummy tuck coming soon hudson's at overnight camps that's fun over there doing that and you know got my hot husband. He's off firefighting. We just moved into a new big house. What's going on with you, Vanita? She's like, I'm mad at Sally. And you just see Madison's face like, Oh, a nail mimosa.

16:20So I have to remind her again, I might be facing another broken pelvis. This time I'll make fun of, I'll have a funny moment. I'll go, pelvis has left the building. So Madison is, yeah, she's listening to Vanita. And Vanita is saying, just weird right now with Sally, you know. it's weird between Vanita and Sally because Vanita told Sally if Craig basically kicks you to the curb don't come calling me saying they kick you to the curb so she doesn't come calling Vanita and now Vanita's like I don't know where we went wrong why didn't you call me why didn't you call me she said yeah I mean I was like what happened to the days when she would literally wake up and call me at 11am and she'd be like we're getting drinks at 1 o 'clock and I'd be like okay you know i don't do that but i'll go with you alcoholic can't wait well honestly i mean she just brought out this side of you that i thought you know i knew you had it in you you know but it was just really deep down in there but you know you've almost been fine you've almost been fine since you've known sally yeah i just feel like it's so silly that that would change and vanita's like but i feel like it's more so her than me but like i'm gonna just try to keep on ignoring it because she keeps doing stupid shit and I just can't keep falling behind that.

17:35Now I am largely on Vanita's side over Sally's side in the history of this friendship, et cetera. But like Vanita, you did kind of just say like, don't, don't talk to me about Craig. Like you were like, I think Vanita was a hundred percent right. She was right. That Craig was going to treat Sally like shit. And she was right. That Sally was not being a girl's girl to her. Um, but also like you kind of told her like essentially I don't really want to be friends with you I mean I I interpreted it that way like you know what you've been a bad friend to me and then you're gonna complain to me I don't want to hear it bye and then you know that's how I kind of took it and now she's like oh no I don't know what's happening I don't know why and I'm like but but you know why well as far as her being right about everything I mean if she had told Sally look, Craig's history is this.

18:28He's not very nice. I wouldn't do this, you know, because of whatever other reason. That would have been one thing. But it's because she's friends with Paige and Sierra, and he broke up with Paige and Sierra, and she's, like, taking sides. So it's, like, a different reason. You know what I mean? It's a selfish reason. It's not just saying, I'm protecting you from this person who's not nice. It's, I'm protecting you from someone I don't like because of these girls that I started all this mess with this guy because of the, you know what I mean? it's just it's more selfish reasons it's not like i'm just looking out for you it's take my side in a fight that i'm having on behalf of these other girls that i'm trying to i'm trying to be friends with so i don't know it doesn't seem like a true friendship helping situation either it seems self-serving so i also just don't i think sally kind of sucks this season and i just i'm like why are you chasing after this vanita you could do so much better they're more interesting people on this show to become friends with i mean are there molly so we go to uh so they're talking about the party and stuff and um madison said hey you know i just think these girls are being girls are being childish i mean jesus my pelvis is my pelvis is broken just listening to this you know they need to realize the only relationship here that's going to work is the friendship between the two of them it's not about the men you know they need someone to talk to in two years when they're fired and the men are kept on this show.

19:52They need to be there for each other. Yep. Vanita's like, I just want my friend back. You should tell her that. I think she would agree. I think that Sally's moved on at this point. I think Sally's just upwardly mobile and the Vanita ship has passed for her. So now we go to Shep's new house and the opium bed, that's now my large coffee table is there. So they're looking at it. I felt like the opium bed looked, it looked kind of cool in the shop, but it looks way too big in Shep's house, right? It's too big. Yeah, it's too big. And it's the only thing, because it was from some bordello, it's the only thing that is in his house.

20:29It's the only thing he's committed to. It's like, well, I don't have much, but I've got an opium pad. I love having a big coffee table. It's good for a lot of snacks. You can have all the snacks and beverages you want out there. Yeah, you should have a Martha Stewart type line, Greg. I'm sure Jack loves it when you put out a little snack that he has to clean up. I'd love it. It's just Craig always trying to hammer his his homemaker instinct. Wow. A big coffee table. You could put a lot of snacks on there. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I was going to hang so many eggs.

21:11So I love the smell of an old beach house. Yeah, well, that's good. It's actually just me. I just went swimming. Gosh. Well, I'm glad you like it. hey, you know, I like it too. You want a tour? So they go on a tour of this old house and it's nice enough. It looks a little, I mean, I'm sure it's nice. It's nice. The bones of it are nice, but you know, Shep is, and Shep says, he's like, I'm notoriously cheap. I'm not fancy. I like bare bones. That means houses without condoms. But he basically, it needs cleaning and painting, like a lot of painting. It needs like a little update, at least the bare minimum updating.

21:46So, you know, like clean up the floors a little bit, have them sanded down, kind of redone, reshellacked or whatever, get your walls painted, update the kitchen and all that. It needs some stuff, but Chef's just like, meh. Wipe away the bleeding walls and that spirit that's just like lingering on the staircase. We can maybe banish it, sage that spirit away. The walls do look like they're bleeding kind of though, or at the very least they're bruised. I do believe there was a skeleton that was just hanging out in the hallway, so we should probably get that out of the way. But other than that, the house is in pretty good shape.

22:21Yeah. So let's see here, guys. He's like, it's a fairly new kitchen. And Craig's like, very cool. I love that doll that's walking backwards through the living room. He's like, yeah, it's a great dining room, right? Yeah, sick. And this is going to be the master bedroom. It's perfect. I love how a pentagram appears when you walk in the room and it's made of flames. That's a really cool touch. it fits my personality. No frills. And I don't need bells and whistles. I don't need a brand new kitchen and vaulted ceilings and crown molding. You need a paint job and you need a cleaning crew. Fumigation is maybe something to aspire for.

23:05A Glade plug-in. I could smell your house from here. When someone comes and they say, I love the smell of an old beach house, that's not a compliment. Yeah, it's called mold remediation time.

23:18No, this is perfect because now you have a house, so you're going to get married and have your first kid and then your second kid, and then you're going to be golden because that's all we think about in this town is when are we going to have kids? You're going to be going to be golden. Going to be golden. And Rodrigo's like, guys, I'm here too. That's wishful thinking, Craig. Can I get into this conversation? Yeah, I mean, why? This is fun. You got to say wishful, right? And Shep is like, I'm going to have two kids. I will. and they are going to be in the shape of two DVD box sets of Ken Burns documentary, The Revolutionary War, new documentary out now on PBS.

23:56Gosh, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Too soon. Oh, sorry, Craig. Maybe the big boy house, that's the chicken, and now the egg comes later. Maybe that's the egg. Who knows? I think it's just going to be a bunch of chickens. I don't know if there's any eggs in sight. so Shep is like okay so here's an interesting idea I want to have a plunge pool right here and he's in the yard there's like no room in that yard for any sort of pool there's like barely room in there for you know a solo cup of water what is he talking about that he's gonna put a plunge pool so a plunge pool what is that like a hot tub well I thought a plunge pool was actually one of those tubs that you like put like ice water in and you plunge it he doesn't even want to pay for heated water Oh, no, it's like a little pool.

24:47I looked it up. Hold on. It's wanting to look at my location. Plunge pool. Okay, so it's just a teeny tiny pool. It's like a little pool. Yeah, it's just like a little pool. A little pool. Honestly, it still looks pretty narrow there for a plunge pool. Yeah, it does. You know, it's cute. Well, I'm glad that Shep wants to, you know, immerse himself in water at some point. Might as well suggest a bath. It's nice that he wants to take the plunge on something in his life. well he's talking about eggs with no irony talk about salvanella that plunge pool hey be careful everyone i want to have a little bar you could just chill out here yeah well austin will never come over because he's got a big problem with building oasis's at your house and then staying there he hates happiness so i always have flashback of austin being like do you want to hide This is insane right now.

25:39You just want to hide out. Don't be mad at me. If you were a real friend, you'd be happy for someone and come over and use their sun shelf on their pool and get honey from the beehive. But you hate me, so stop. I need to surround myself with people who are happy with remote-controlled fire pits.

26:00I need to surround myself with people who are okay with underperforming margarita mixers.

26:12Underperforming margarita machines. Rodrigo's like, well, I just think that he wanted to hang out with Sally more than he wanted to admit it. And Craig says, well, he tends to plant landmines around himself. Craig, you've literally planted landmines around yourself. I cannot believe Craig hasn't started himself on fire in that backyard yet. He is the landmine. He literally is. so rodrigo's like it's like sideshow bob with the rakes and every turn the rake is hitting him again and again and again rodrigo stop it you're not a main character you already had your three lines it's no way to live man it's just not the one thing that would change his life austin's life that is is if he started to make everything it is if he started to make everything his fault because like a couple years ago i read this thing that said make everything that happens in your life your fault and i could accuse anything i could come up with a reason or for an excuse what is he talk make everything your fault wow this explains why craig is a professional victim every single episode no he's saying make it your own fault so you're not a victim i mean i kind of like that that's like some old 90s pop psychology stuff i read that somewhere too i don't know where but um i like that i try to do that too like anything that happens i'm like how how is it my fault because then you can like kind of figure out a way to make it better and it doesn't feel like you're so out of control.

27:32I mean, look, like if there's a mudslide, my house slides down a hill, that's not my fault, you know, but then I could still be like, well, how could I, how could I prepare myself better for the next time? So I'm not such a loser when my house slides down the hill, but to hear Craig say it, it makes me rethink that whole thing, you know? Cause I'm like, well, wait, Craig is saying it. So I don't know that I don't know that I've been really living by a good plan. I feel like it's been keeping me somewhat happy, but now I'm questioning everything basically. Craig just got that from chat GPT, AKA his therapist.

28:05Let's be honest. Okay. I don't think, I don't think that Craig actually uses that psychology of make everything your own fault. I think he just chat GPT told him that. And now we just parrots it as if he is enlightened and working on himself, but he's just merely reciting things that a robot is cobbling together from the internet. Yeah, I looked up. The same thing that you read. Yeah, because I looked it up. I looked up Make Everything Your Fault, and it says, When taking radical 100 % ownership for your life, you accept responsibility for your reactions, choices, and outcomes. While this mindset can empower personal growth, shifting from a victim mentality to a one of accountability, it is essential to distinguish between extreme self-responsibility for personal outcomes and taking unwarranted blame for external events outside your control.

28:57it's called the empowerment perspective that's right guys that's right wow that doesn't say where this is from though um i didn't know that um acknowledging acknowledging your own responsibility and actions was considered extreme accountability i thought that was just accountability it's like well that's oh you know what i left the light on downstairs extreme accountability. Extreme. Everything is your fault. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I announce I left the light on downstairs. Yeah, everything. I mean, I took that kind of thinking years ago, and I did not read this book called Everything is Your Fault.

29:43I mean, I read a lot of self-help shit, but I wouldn't, even I wouldn't get something bad on the news. But I did it because I think it does help with victim stuff or blaming your parents for everything. It's like, okay, you're like you're in your 40s and 50s like you can't be blaming your mom every time you fuck something up like it was how i was right so you know that helped me get out of like a victim thing but yeah now that i hear craig espousing its virtues i i'm i'm gonna basically be overhauling my personal um perspectives is what i'm saying commercials here comes one right now

30:22I like the idea, though, that if you say that everything is your own fault, that it can also kind of loop around again and just make you a narcissist all over again. Because the whole idea is that you're such a narcissist that you can't take any accountability. But then what if you start taking accountability for things that are really not your fault? It's like, oh, my God, I am so sorry that I caused Faye Dunaway to read the wrong answer at the Oscars. It was my fault about La La Land. I'm so sorry, guys. It's like, no, it's not about you, Ben. Well, I'll tell you what it would come in handy in court, you know?

30:57It's like, I read The Empowerment Perspective, and now I'm in prison for life. And I don't know why I took credit for murdering that mailman. I don't know why. I didn't do it, but I said I did. But for real, though, I am very sorry that I got Real Housewives of Dubai canceled. That was my fault. I apologize. Also, sorry about that whole New York reboot. My fault. I'm not apologizing for that. That's one thing I will not take blame for. It's all my fault. It's me. Just put it on me. See, by the way, here's the thing. You know, long before this pop psychology came around, there were Jewish mothers.

31:37It's like, okay, it's fine. It's my fault. It's all right. Just blame me. Just mothers in general. let's broaden it up yeah I mean I did go to Catholic school so there was a lot of it is your fault you know so maybe that's where I got it from but Shep's like it's accountability 101 yeah personal accountability is tough you're still pretending you broke up with Paige what are you talking about and Rodrigo says yeah see here's the thing like I mean you guys can meet up and you could like you know have a good time together but like i don't really even hear about that like all i really hear about is you guys like complaining complaining about each other yeah and uh like what is it with you like you guys have like all these issues with these people or are they just like are they your good friends like i just i just don't ever fucking know i mean these guys they live in a gray area they almost thrive there i mean chef actually literally lives in gray house but that's besides the point gosh that's why we can never get through to one of you one another gosh so we go over to austin's parents house and uh awesome meets his mom i love his i love his waspy mom she's like hey awesome want an aperol sprints she's like already got the booze flowing yeah the both of the parents are getting shit-faced in the middle of the day talking about all their extracurriculars now that they're retired it's like well your mom just fucked a tennis pro and she's on her way to ping pong and then she's gonna have some mahjong and then she's gonna fuck another tennis pro she's gonna fuck a mahjong pro okay you know i'm gonna just golf for the fifth time today uh i thank his mom because I love the, you know, like how some people have resting bitch face or whatever, like me.

33:18I think she has resting disappointment face. I was just going to say the same thing. We've said it for years. Every time Austin comes on, she's like, well, hey, Austin, you want a glass of wine? I mean, you're here. I'm going to have a bottle. Your dad and I were just playing a game called Your Fault. and we just say often back and forth to each other for about 10 minutes.

33:47My parents are living their best retired life. My dad has like three golf groups. My mom's in pickleball, book club, mahjong. Like when I call her, she sends me the voicemail more often than not because she's busy doing something. I guarantee she's sitting in a chair doing absolutely nothing. Her new sport is just pressing send a voicemail. Nailed it. She's reading a barefoot Contessa cookbook and sending Austin to voicemail at all times. So, um, so they sit down and dad just gets out of there. He's like, sorry, I got a golf with my sixth golf group. I don't know. I'm just not going to sit here and talk to you, son.

34:27So they, Wendy says, this is actually funny. They sit down, uh, and you know, there's, she's put out some food. So she goes, Hey, grab the nuts, Austin. I'm like, please don't ask him to do that. We've been seeing that clip for so many years now. Yeah, Austin's grabbed us nuts enough on this show for sure. I'm surprised you didn't ask me about Piper Martini. They're your grandchildren. It's like, oh, God. Watch my disappointment. If you thought right when you thought my disappointment face couldn't etch deeper, here it is. It's like extreme disappointment face. She's like, yeah, our extreme disappointment.

35:06From the people who brought you extreme accountability Comes extreme Disappointment

35:14It's like you don't even care Your grandma How are they doing Austin They're just little monsters Like little perfect monsters So he shows His mom his new tattoo that he got with his sister In memory of Kyle Who was their late sister And she really likes it she feels like it was a nice way to honor kyle etc um and she's saying you know it's it's it's really sweet and sad because wendy's talking about how she imagines that kyle would be uh married with kids by now and she'd be coaching you she's like even theoretical kyle is doing better than you are right now austin one thing i'm sure about is that kyle would not be disappointed to meet as you are right now.

36:03And he's like, well, Audrey and I had a conversation about the future and she brought up some things where she was like, you know, sometimes when you talk about the future, you say a lot of like eyes and not a whole bunch of we's and I'm like, oh shit, do I do that? I even said I and the question to myself about what she was saying. And Wendy's like, oh, she said that to you? Well, that's legitimate. That's fair. You do rate as like you'd be a pretty bad boyfriend. And he's like, well, the thing is this. It's like, I'm not like 100 % on her. Like, I think I'd probably be at like 10%, 5%, 1%. I don't know.

36:39I could probably dump her tomorrow. But you're going to move to Charleston. And then if that means a year and a half later, we're going to pop the question. I'm like, we're coming to that fork. And it's just like, are we going to go down that way or continue? I don't know. She's like, okay, well, all right. Well, let's do an exercise. I'm not sure you've ever done before in your life. Where do you see yourself in the future? like even just one day from now have you ever thought that far ahead austin you should do that what do you think you're looking for besides change in our couch cushions austin and he's like well part of me is like whoa well i mean okay like what what more do you need out of a partner i mean she's young she's gorgeous you know but like 99 of your friends would be jumping out of their shorts to be someone like austri jumping out of their shorts jumping out of their shorts.

37:24Is that an expression? Oh my God, look at that hot girl. I'm going to jump out of these shorts. She's like, well, I'm not sure you ever really know for sure that it's the right person. So if it's not the right person, what you do is you get really drunk and let him go off and play golf 10 hours of the day while you play Mahjong. Did I say that part out loud? Anyway, I mean, when you walk down the aisle, you just say, please let this be the person I want for the rest of my of life. It's kind of like buying a house in the pandemic. You know, there are not a lot of options, but you just get what you can get for a good price.

37:57You don't know where you're going to get, Austin. I mean, you just walk down the aisle, you look next to you and you say, well, he's breathing and he's got a job. You know, God knows it would have been a lot. It'll be a huge loss if you don't have kids, Austin. He's like, okay, I know that you think I'm destined to have a family, but like, what if I'm just not mom? What if I'm just not Austin? Let me tell you something. having kids is the best thing I ever did. I mean, that's so sweet to say, but you're like literally talking to Austin right now. Didn't he just spend half of your retirement funds on that drop hop?

38:34Rethink. Rethink your life. I'm sure there are other things you've done that have been really great. Yeah, yeah. I think she's just trying to get him to leave. She's like, okay, I talked about kids enough that Austin went back home. Okay, you can come back out, honey. I can get back in my bra.

38:56So she gets like real cheerful. He said, I'm grateful you have kids. I mean, honestly, because like I'm alive. Yeah, I'm here. And she goes, no, I don't want you to be grateful for it. I want you to recognize how meaningful it is. It's the best thing I ever did. Don't lose sight. Okay, well, that's the best thing you ever did. It doesn't mean it has to be the best thing he ever did. You want to know what the best thing I ever did was? things. You want to know what the best thing I ever did was, Mom? I got some new khakis. Oh, okay. I also got new khakis, which are khakis for my cats. They're such adorable monsters.

39:33Piper. Piper and the other one. Oh, God. Martini. So, we go to Sally's parents' home, and Sally goes, and her whole family's there, and there's a baby. So, she's, like, holding the baby, and, like, oh my god it's mine so we grew up in a very traditional way we went to church every sunday both my sisters had kids um every time i see my nieces and nephews i'm always thinking i want one i want to steal them from my sister just the other day one of my nieces she said her first word she looked me straight in the eye and she said slut and i was like wow i i'm a little offended but it's a special moment so i'm just gonna let that one fly but so nice i want a baby every scene in this show is just about the crushing pressure to have children on people that really don't want any of this.

40:24It's just like parental pressure to procreate. That's all this show has become. It's every scene. Every scene is like, when are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? So Sally's like, oh my God, can I just keep her? She's so cute. Can I keep her? Can I just take her over to Craig's house and say, I'm going to put her in a Tupperware and say, I got this for us. You can modify it. I just think it might be the thing that moves the needle for me and him. So yeah, she wants a baby real badly. She's going to freeze her eggs so she doesn't feel pressure to find a husband.

40:59Okay, that's good because you're clearly not on the hunt these days, right? When I look at Sally, I don't say, this is someone who wants to get a husband right now. She's acting like if she freezes her baby, like freeze babies babies you know i'm just gonna drop this you know what i'm not ready to be a mother i'm freezing this baby until i'm until this time i'm freezing the baby um she's like i'm just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me i mean i have the house i have the job i have the career but i feel very lost in my relationship era like you forgot that old, remember that personality is a good one to add on to that list.

41:41Maybe work on that part. The only people you've chased in the past three years of your life have been on TV shows, for one. You need to go date people, not because they're on TV. There's other reasons to date people. I can't feel bad for Sally. Although, you know what? I do like Sally. I don't have any hatred at all towards Sally. I actually really like her. I feel like last season I loved her. I feel like last season I loved her. I just feel like this season, I don't know. She's not doing it for me. I don't hate her at all. I don't hate her. She's fine, but like there's something about her that's been really annoying me this season.

42:16I can't, I don't know. I feel like I can't really put a finger on it, but yeah, she's just not doing it for me. She's not. Yeah, I mean, I like her. Okay. So Sally is like, I mean, wakey, wakey. No flies today. Okay. Cause your auntie has a million flies at her house. Cause she got chickens like an idiot. hit and uh the guy there is hot i don't know if it's her brother or her brother-in-law but he's like a blank i don't really remember what he looks like but i remember him being kind of a blank um slab of flesh which i really like you know i like like just a blank person that's like duh and then you can kind of input in information it's like um i like a man that's like a brand new thumb drive you know that you can just put the files on and create whatever you want it's fun yeah that's fun so um so he's like what are they didn't race them when they're done just kidding yeah sorry they can get lost you find them in between you find them in a pocket um empty trash well my check his names are popcorn coconut and cantaloupe and then claire who's i think her sister was like what who named cantaloupe did craig name it she's like uh-huh i'm telling you right now i'm dropping them off at craig's and leaving them because she said everyone in the group told me not to go for craig and i got hurt by him and we see him denying her and there's a little regret and i wouldn't say regret i don't ever regret anything but i feel like it takes you into the next place you're supposed to be in life and but i hate chickens and i want them out of my life.

43:54Why did you get chickens? Like that? I think this is the thing that really like tipped me over. Like you bought chickens for a guy and you don't even like chickens. So this was like an insincere choice on your part, which of course it was, but like, it just doesn't get more pick me than I'm buying these birds that I don't even like to impress a guy. And now I've got these birds on my hands and these are like living creatures that now are like, not for long. Yeah, not for long. They're going to go with the foster system. They're going to be tossed in some barbecue sauce and served up pretty soon.

44:28But yeah, when they showed this flashback to them in the feed store, she's saying like, I like you. And he's like, yeah, I don't see it. And then right behind his head, there's a bucket that says hen on it because it's like for feed. It's like a Halloween themed bucket that says hen. and overseas when you're getting married, your bachelorette party is called a hen party. It's called a hen's party. And I was like, this is so sad. It's just like a scenery that adds a little bit more sadness to the whole thing. But there she is standing in front of her empty, non-filled hen party. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him if he wants to reconsider what he just said because I am going to buy some chickens.

45:14But it's sad, too, because he rejects her in the animal store. And she has that moment right there to take her little Dunkin' Donuts munchkins box of chicks and kind of just like put them back. Like, you know what? Can I get a, you know, I think I want to return these. I'm going to return these chicks to you guys. Like at that point, he already rejected her, but she was still thinking, wait a second. I'm going to take these chickens home and then I think he's going to really like me. Like she, she hadn't fully accepted it. She didn't accept it until she found out that he was talking shit about her.

45:51But like you had the chance to turn to return those chickens at that point. They were not even fully purchased. Yeah. But you want to kind of prove to yourself, like, I'm not just getting chickens for chickens for a guy. Like I'm doing this for me. I don't need the guy to have the chickens. I can have the chickens just because I want the chickens. And so you get the chickens and then you get them home and you live with the chickens. Popcorn hates your ass. Popcorn wishes you were dead. You know, they all hate you. They all poop all over you. You built them a coop. Nobody appreciates you. They can't even talk to you.

46:18They don't give you any appreciation. And then you're like, I hate my fucking life. You know, just be glad it wasn't children. I'm telling you, because you would have had a baby for this man, you know, and it could have been a baby. So just be glad that you can cook these things. I also just want to put something out there for Sally. Okay. So maybe you got the chickens, not for Craig. You want to see if this is something you can do. Maybe you can turn the corner on chickens, et cetera. Open your heart to chickens. here's one thing that you can do rename the cantaloupe okay you do not have to stick with the name cantaloupe it's still early on in the relationship where I don't think that cantaloupe's name has been impressed upon them yeah not sure what there's still a chance yeah there's a chance take back some power take back some power and rename cantaloupe into something else maybe something like I don't know booby face or I don't know boobie face no no starter um i don't know patricia i don't know name it after someone on the show judge a little judgmental chicken

47:26does that chicken have a butler now why is that chicken electrocuting her butler so the family's like so how long do chickens live for anyway she goes too long well but so you had a coop built yeah i built the coop now they've gone in the coop and now they can't get wet and that's how you kill chickens because i was excited to swim with them they can't even swim i mean i was i wanted to float in water that's we're all raised in bathtubs with little rubber chickens those are ducks honey god damn it nobody told me that i'm concerned that salad needs to be sent away to a facility for a moment just to be checked out i I don't know.

48:05Like this is her dreams of swimming with chickens. I don't know what's happening here. I think that she's just disconnected from reality at this point. She's actually perfect for Craig, which is the funny thing that Craig doesn't like her when she's like Craig's perfect other half. I mean, they're exactly the same. Just watching entire scenes of them trying to figure out how to use a cast iron skillet. I mean, it would have been gold. Craig really missed the boat on this one. I think that she really thought she was going to raise these chickens, bring them over to Craig's and then they'd go swimming in his pool and and they bring the chicken in the pool, and they just play with the chicken in the pool.

48:38Not that, I don't know too many people who have fantasies about playing with chickens in pools, but like, I don't know, she has this wholly, the strange thing, and she's like, you can't get chickens wet. Is that true? I feel like animals are equipped to deal with rain. I feel like that's part of nature, right? I think, is she confusing chickens with gremlins? I'm just so confused about, yeah, I think Sally knows about chickens. Also, I guess now is a good time to make a correction. Last week I said that Gonzo's little chicken friend was named Priscilla, and her name is Camilla. I apologize. Well, it was embarrassing, so thanks for taking care of that.

49:17It was. Charlie arrives at Low Country Oyster, and Craig is there on their date, and it's a weird date. It's called Low Country, so it's like boots, but Craig is wearing those water shoe boots. he's wearing some weird she's like like your boots he's like yeah well this is my friend trey it's a place called low country oysters that's like this place like this is where they this is where oysters are made like there's a there's a manufacturing plant in there they make oysters here she's like oh wow that's that's interesting so we're just gonna eat out here on the grass huh okay well thanks great day i sort of thought it'd be a little bit more romantic out here but it's okay we can just sort of stand at a little table and smell industrial fumes um so tray of oysters comes out and there's like these are our signature oysters low country cup oysters and wow wow get him get a picture of my outfit so he takes a picture of her and um he's she's like why are you laughing he's like because you're kind of cute it's giving this like charming smile And he's doing that thing where he's wearing a hat, but he keeps taking off his hat and then moving his hair back to reminder like I may be wearing a hat, but I've got hair.

50:33I'm like a lot of bald losers in this town. Yes. Yeah. When I'm interested in a girl, I think I'm like inherently flirty. That's yeah, that's usually how that goes. And so Craig is like your face and you smile. You make people laugh. Are you saying I have a funny face? Yeah, it's like hilarious. Smile right now. Oh, my God. It's like, what? Is there something in my teeth? I'm not telling you. God damn it. This is my first date that's ever been where I haven't hooked up with a person before. She's like, wow, that's so romantic. Wow. Okay. So we're just going to start with the red flags. Great. Love that.

51:18It's like, I have no idea what to do in this moment. If I don't know what your boobs feel like, I need to know what your vagina tastes like before I can have a conversation with you. Okay, great, great, great, great, great. Let's put some mignonette on this. Okay, great. I'll say slurp down some oysters and she's like, wow, this is like better than the restaurant. He goes, yeah, because like these, these come like right from the water. Unlike the restaurants where, you know, they go to an aerobics class first. the steam room. They got to college. Unlike those restaurants where the oysters have to travel five minutes and then go to your plate.

51:57It's not like land-raised oysters. I mean, yeah, they come right from the water. You grew up on the water, didn't you? She goes, well, on the lake. Yeah, I mean, we would spend every single weekend on the lake. Oh, so you're a lake girl. Well, would you ever move back there to the lake? She's like, no, absolutely not, never. Oh, was it because of your ex? No. How long were you together? Was it painful? Do you want to talk about it? Tell me everything about your ex. Did he leave you because your face was so funny? Like hard to look at. Isn't it funny how your eyeballs on your chin? That's so strange.

52:31Can't stop laughing. You know, he just couldn't like see a future with me anymore. Was it because of your face? Well, what's wrong with my face exactly? Did you just have future written on your face and you erased it one day? And he's like, I can't see the future anymore with you. maybe he just kept looking at your face and he doesn't like to laugh so you know you ever go to go with him to a funeral and then people kept on laughing because it was a funeral and he got upset because of your face that may have been why did you ever talk about your future and she's like yeah we talked about the future goes yeah so he just changed his mind yeah well screw him screw page god what an what a dick i hate that you used to date page disorbo also She was like, I thought he was the one and we were planning a life together.

53:19So I was really depressed after that breakup. I mean, I think I have a tendency to get very attached and codependent. So it was a complete life change. Also, I mean, I'm kind of the total package. I'm like really hot and I'm into art and he's still, that still wasn't enough for him. So I guess I kind of spiraled after that. If you think about it anyway. You know, I'm a pretty girl with everything going for me, but I have been raised around here and I have learned that I'm worthless unless a man likes me. so I hope you don't mind that I'm codependent and he's like love it love that about you and she's like well I'm not going to convince anybody to be with me trust me I've tried and he's like well you can't because they're going to do what they're going to do I mean that's what happened to me though like the whole I want to marry you one day thing I'm like no that's not a thing if you don't want to get like married like I just don't want to be one half in and one half out because like when I date someone I like to be a hundred percent well I'm really glad that Craig is taking that it's all my fault mentality to heart.

54:18I'd like to be a hundred percent. And by that, I mean, I want the person I'm dating to change their entire life to accommodate mine. She's like, well, you would think that I would be afraid of commitment, but I'm not at all. I just, I don't know. I'm just, I'm just very much a relationship. I mean, we're dating now, right? So we're, we're engaged, right? Oh my God, put this oyster on my finger. Do it, do it. Is Stop being so insecure. I don't like it. Like you literally have everything going for you. I don't like this whole like, well, I'm just codependent. Who's a new man? Please stop it, Charles.

54:54I think that like, I think that Sally also kind of just like is still living in her head. And I feel like she can't just be at ease and secure because I think that she's just thinking about Sally. And I think it's making her skittish. I really do. Well, it's also just how they grew up. I mean, we see how the parents are. They're like this with the boys and the girls, but I think there's extra pressure on the women in the South, especially around here. When the men outnumber the women so much, you know, it's like living in Alaska, you know? And so the men have, wait, the women outnumber the men.

55:28What am I trying to say? It's like living in Alaska and you're a bear that's trying to have sex with a human. You're like, there are so many of us, girl.

55:37The girls outnumber the men, right? Isn't that how it is here? So the guys have the choice. They have like all the choice of whoever they want. And the women just feel like, oh, my God, nobody likes me because the men have so many options in this town. And so it's, you know, there's just a bunch of stuff compounded. And I would just say move, like move to I know your family's there. But what are you moving away from people that pressure you every day for not having a child? I mean, every conversation we see on this phone with parents like, hey, honey, you stuck in traffic. I hope you saw a husband out there.

56:07See if someone will impregnate you. okay like just move leave your family go find something else to do i i well i agree um i also think that craig is probably a like he's he's a big shiny object you know taking everything out of it the snarkiness aside he is really hot he's really charming he can be very very sweet he's successful now he's famous you know I think that like on the surface on a dating you know first date second date third date thing like I think he sells the fantasy I think he's captivating and so it feels like he's the one and so like I can imagine being like oh my god I hope this works out whatever but like the truth is we don't know much about Charlie but it just seems like there's a lot going for her and it would be nice if she realized herself worth a little bit more because she doesn't have to slum it with this guy or anyone on this show.

57:12And actually, the one thing that makes me sad is it seems like Wittner is a great guy and she basically friendzoned him right away. I'm like, what? But Wittner, go for Wittner, Charlie. That would make me so happy. We haven't even seen Wittner on this show. He's gone now. I don't know. Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way.

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