#3215 RHOBH S15E09 Part One: Hamptons Manifesto

0:20Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crabpens. I'm Ronnie. That over there is Mr. Benjamus Mandel-Certunius. Hello, Ben. How are you doing? That's my scientific name. Benjamus Mandel-Tunius. Hi, how are you? Yes, I am of the genus Mandel-Certunius. How are you, Ronnie? It's a happy Friday. Aren't you excited for today's slate of shows to talk about? Yep, we've got a lot of them. Today, we are doing Beverly Hills, The Valley, and Dun Dun Dun, The Twaitos. So join us. We'll be here all day. So should you be. Everybody, welcome to the show on the 27th of February in a couple weeks. Less than a couple weeks.

1:07That's terrifying. Is, well, no, two weeks almost exactly. That's two weeks from today. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm not ready. Sorry. Is the Golden Crappies in Hollywood. It's going to be so much fun. Get your tickets. They're pretty much gone. So plan on getting live streaming tickets at watchwhatcrappens.com. There might be like 10 tickets left if you do want to come. Get those at watchwhatcrappens.com, guys. Live streaming through Kizwi the same night. It's going to be amazing. Also, if you want our video recaps or bonus episodes or newsletter, which is free, by the way, and it's weekly. Or what else is there over there?

1:42Bonus episodes, videos. Discord community. Discord, all that good stuff. Go over to patreon.com and add free listings. That's right. And also voting. We are just finishing up round one voting. So we've got all the nominations together. And now it's time to vote on the actual awards. That starts on Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday. So find us on social, you know, Instagram or Patreon or WatchWhatCrapHands.com. You'll find links for it all there. Join us for that. We're super excited. Also, we wanted to shout out our friend Sue Funk. Sue Funk. F-U-N-K-E. Sue Funke. is a comedian. She's a really close friend of ours, a really funny comic.

2:23And she came out with her first comedy album today, which is called Congratusari. Congratulation. Sorry. Mixed together. Okay. So go check it out. It's on all the streaming platforms. You can also find her links at thesuefunk.com. We love Sue. Go support Sue. Congratulations, Sue. I literally love Sue. You know, people, I don't know if people realize, just in terms of, Cause I'm going to make it about us. But like when we put on the crappies, it has become over the years, it has become a full fledged, like it is a production, a true production. And we call upon our friends to help us backstage with everything.

3:02And Sue has helped out with a past few and like her help has been, she's like thrown herself into it. And so like, let's all give back to Sue. Cause like the, the show part of the reason why the crap, the crap is even is able to go forward is because Sue has helped out so much. So everyone go listen to her album. And thank you, Sue. You're the best. We love you, Sue. We love you, Susie Q. Okay, so let's get on with Real Housewives of Boobily Hoons. Season 15, episode nine, Vacation and Manifestation. Darling. By the way, okay, so I'm excited. I'm excited, Ronnie. So about two or three weeks ago, we went on to Amy O'Dell's podcast called Back Row.

3:46we were talking about Beverly Hills for an hour, we're talking about fashion. We mentioned this all before. And Amy asked us to give letter grades to various housewives. And she asked us about Rachel Zoe. And I gave Rachel Zoe a C. I gave Rachel Zoe a C. You did. Because I felt like she's been fine, but not anything special. And she's not obviously very confrontational, but it's almost like the moment I gave her the C was the moment I felt like she bloomed for me. It's almost like, did I make Rachel Zoe better? Was it me? Guys, can I take credit for this? But for real, I felt like the first half of the season, Rachel Zoe was kind of just there and saying some things, but I felt like I wanted more from her.

4:34And then it's either I wrapped my head around Rachel Zoe or now Rachel Zoe got comfortable enough where we could start to see kind of like a little bit more than just, I don't know, than what she had been giving that now she, I think she has really like become really good all of a sudden. And in fact, I think the entire show has suddenly had a massive turnaround in the past two weeks. Like I loved last night's episode. What do you think about all these things, Ronnie? Um, I, I still like Rachel. I think she's doing great. I, yeah, she took her midterm progress report and she was like, you know what?

5:08I'm like going to be dead, but louder. and she's doing great. I don't know, massive turnaround. I don't know. It's still, you know, it's still like, I still enjoy the show. I mean, you know, it's not one of the most exciting shows to me, but I still always enjoy watching it. It's always a good hour. And I really liked this one where they all calmly gave Amanda the business. I thought that was really funny. Amanda with her bullshit, her bullshit business of charging people 50 grand to learn to manifest. Y 'all buy a book. It's$5. Get it on your account. That whole thing was hilarious. it was hilarious it was funny and her dress was so stupid too i'm like i hope she cuts herself on that thing because the dress is all like those golden butterflies like hanging off of it and you know like a paper will cut you so that's got to cut you you know in some way and i was like you deserve it you you robber you burglar i guess i guess the reason why i call it a massive turnaround is because prior to two weeks ago or last week the show was just fully boring nothing was happening.

6:09It was just scenes of them having dinner and just, it just was, had no heartbeat whatsoever. It was just so dull. And then you had Rachel's blackout party. And then I was like, oh, signs of life coming around here. And then I was like, okay, now we have a good episode. And then this past episode we're about to recap, I thought was like legitimately very funny. And I think, you know, Dorit being unhinged is great. And I just think it's like going in the right direction and I'm just like really happy. It's like, okay, the show, it's like, it's like, it's come out of its coma. Okay. And now it's, it's fallen in love with Sandra Bullock where I'm so happy.

6:47Its eyebrows are still a little weird, but we love it all the same. Yeah. Um, so here we go. We're at Rachel's house. Um, she's like, I've got sunglasses on inside because I'm literally insane. Like there are people in my bushes right now. It's crazy. Okay. Director of business development, Mary Elizabeth, let's talk. Okay. So she's like, well, Rachel, we have some scheduling stuff to figure out. Wow. Like I'm incredibly burned out already just by that sentence. Like I'm like, I was like, I was like a candle and guess what? All the blacks just like went away and I'm just like burnt out now. Like I have not been to the Hamptons and I'm normally there the entire summer with like much more interesting and cooler people than I'm stuck with this summer.

7:29And I just, I can't do it anymore. I honestly miss my New York friends like so much. Like so much like i can't i'm dead rachel's whole like i'm depressed without the hamptons is cracking me up it's love that she's so right like every week she's like i can't i can't live without being in the hamptons like what am i even doing here i should be in the hamptons right now like what am i doing i'm losing my fucking mind please get me to the hamptons like rachel's always so funny to me because i think that she's like blatantly status obsessed like she's blatantly wants to like there's like a crowd of people who she's like these are like my people but they're like the cooler more famous more wealthy people whatever or maybe not necessarily more wealthy because there's actually a lot of money in beverly hills but like there's a sense that she wants to be with the true fashion people the true chic people and she's stuck on this show because she had to she had to like bravo offered a good deal so she went for it and she's like i can't do it i need to be with the chic people again and it's like you know on a different show we'd be like wow how pretentious of her look she thinks she's better but in this show it's so funny to me she's like i gotta get out of here i cannot be around amanda francis any longer take me to the hamptons i mean look what happens in beverly hills in the summer amanda francis okay that's who's in the hamptons this summer get me out of here i need to go to the hamptons look how vulnerable i just was saying that i need the hamptons in my life i'm like so vulnerable about at the Hamptons right now.

8:57Yes. The Hamptons is home for me. Like, I'm from New York. It's literally my happiest place. Like, it's where every major life event has happened. My ex proposed to me there. Every birthday I've ever had was there. Every single birthday I've ever had was in New York. It's pretty important. There are literally pictures of me naked as like a one-year-old in the dunes of Amagansett. I can hear her to say Amagansett. Like for an entire hour. You guys go to Amagonset? Oh my God. I was, I've been in Amagonset since I was one years old, naked, naked, literal naked one-year-old pictures of me in Amagonset.

9:39Of course she loves Amagonset because if she, if you say Amagonset the way Rachel says it, it sounds like she's saying, Oh my God. Amagonset. So then we do see little pictures of Rachel as a toddler and Amagonset. But you know, you can't show naked babies on TV. So she's wearing like a little, They've like, you know, Photoshopped like a little feather boa, you know, a calf can on her. Yeah.

10:05She says, I hate petty man girl shit. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. And that's why this episode, I'm going to make sure to take only two people to the cool place. Yeah. I got to hate man girl shit. Yeah. That's true, huh? She's like, so I'm going to not include the non-cool people on my trip. You know, like, I hope Kyle and Dorit can get along because nothing would make me happier. I mean, literally being in the Hamptons naked and I'm a concert would. But, like, seriously, if I could bring Dorit, like, Dorit needs to go out. Like, what? And then Kyle's like, I'm not drinking, whatever. I get tired, blah, blah, blah.

10:43But you know what? One of my friends has, like, five bedrooms. So she's like, take my house. Stay here. Like, I don't care if you have sober people who are tired. Bring them. Like, what do I care? We don't judge here. We're not mean girls. Yeah. I was like, just do whatever you can do to get me back to Amaganda. So Rachel FaceTimes Dorit and she's like, guess what? I'm about to make you smile. She goes, wow. Well, I'm so excited. I don't even know what this is yet, but I'm already so excited about it. Well, don't get that excited. Okay. It's not like I'm taking you to Amaganda. I want you to come to the Hamptons with me.

11:24Honestly, you don't even know how much I need this.

11:31It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

11:39It's like, did someone's soul literally get ripped from their body? Was there a horror movie happening?

11:55But here's the thing. It's going to be you, me, and Kyle. Reverse. However you want to do that in your mind. Just do a reverse version of that. Tariq goes, there's nothing that could make me upset right now. Not even the idea that that stupid little imp would be joining us in the Hamptons.

12:19Not even that that little cross-eyed garden gnome will be joining us in the Hymnons. Well, it's so nice to know that we'll be actually traveling somewhere with the real-life Travelocity gnome. Things have been so shitty recently, so I don't give a shit where car left off. She's going to have to play nice, and there's nothing that's going to stoop me from having food this weekend. See, Dorit is smart. Dorit, Dorit, I think, sees literally no one has ever said that. So I know. Sorry. I'm the first time. It's crazy. Things are topsy-turvy. It's like I just manifested that Dorit. I should say I'm going to say Dorita savvy.

13:04No, people don't say that. But the truth is. Rachel's Dorit is poor. No, Rachel Zoe is Dorit's on-ramp into the inner echelons of fashion, which is where Dorit, also known as the proprietor of Beverly Beach, wants to be. It's like the Punta Cana. That's where you want to be, okay? The Punta Cana. Normally we're spending our summer in the Punta Cana. That's where you go. So she is like, Rachel Zoe is inviting me to the Hamptons. I'm probably going to get to go have dinner somewhere where, I don't know, Donna Karen's going to come stumbling over to the table. I'm just going to say yes. And I don't care what, like what twists or turns that she throws my way.

13:51I'm just going to say, yes, no questions asked. So she gets it. And she's like, absolutely. There's no reason. I would never be upset with anyone who might join us on this trip. I mean, like you could have had like, I don't know who her, who's to read biggest rival. I don't know if she's ever had a major, major rival. Garcelle. Vanderpump. Vanderpump, she would have been happy. She was like unfazed by the fact that Kyle would be coming on this trip. She's just getting somebody to pay for her to go out of town. She like literally doesn't care. She's going. And so she calls Kyle next. And Kyle is, of course, staring at herself on the FaceTime like fluffing her hair.

14:29Like, oh my God. Hi. Yeah. Like looking at herself in all the different angles. Like, Kyle, do you not look at yourself enough? Jesus. It's like, well, you know how you've been talking about like hot girl summer and we've been having like an opposite of that it's been like cold girl summer like it's been pashmina summer and i'm over it we're going to the hampf we're going and kyle's like oh my god well yeah i'm going to say yes uh yeah cool and then rachel's like have you spoken to dorit and she's like well dorit and i haven't spoken at all but i have spoken to pk who's told me that she's cray cray right and rachel's like well i also invite a Dorit because I feel like she really needs to get out.

15:10So then Kyle, unlike Dorit, Kyle does like a whole face and looks left and right. And it was like, um, like totally registers her dismay. It's like, Kyle, just say, thank you so much for the invitation. I would love to come to the Hamptons with you. But of course she has to be so rude about it. And then she's always wondering why she's not viewed as a girl's girl. Um, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know my reaction of going to the Hamptons with Dorit. Be like, I don't know. That's a long time. Because you don't just go right into the Hamptons, right? Don't you have to fly to New York and then drive to the Hamptons?

15:46Or is there like a little airport? There must be a little airport out there now, isn't there? There is a little airport, but they did not take the airport. I think they took the schlep route. The little airport, I think, is a big pain in the arse. So I think you go to JFK and then you either take a car or... You drive for a couple hours at least. How long is the drive? Put on a diaper and get out there. Get on the Jitney. Ronnie, I love you. Isn't it kind of a schlep to get out there? As if we haven't watched Summer House for 10 years in a row, watch them drive out there every single episode. Yeah, that's true.

16:20And I've done it myself. But then the reason I was doubting myself is because I was like, well, maybe rich people do a helicopter from the airport to the thing. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what rich people do. Mauricio is definitely doing the helicopter at the airport, I'm sure. But yeah, it's like a schlep. And then you're not only stuck on the plane with Dorit, you're stuck, you know, in a car with Dorit for three hours. It's like a whole thing, you know. So, yeah, I don't know that I'd be happy either. But, you know, you're shooting. So just go. So she agrees to go. I was just trying to, you know, the thing is this.

16:48Is this the strongest anti-Kyle point in the world that she made a face when she was invited? And, you know, and knowing that she had to spend this fun time with Dorit, it's not the strongest anti-Kyle point. But I will, I just can't miss an opportunity to add another piece of evidence into the anti-Kyle file, which is that, you know, Rachel invited her to go to the Hamptons, which is pretty cool. And Kyle can't just say, oh my God, yeah, awesome. Just be like, sure, like, no problem. I'm fine with Dorit. I'll be fine. And then, so, and then she wants, and then Kyle wants us to be on her side.

17:20I'm like, you're the one who is the, you're the, you're the guilty party in this situation. Even when you make your face on the FaceTime thing, I am done on this point and we can move on. You don't have to be. I'm enjoying it. There's nothing more to say about it. I'm on the three-hour ride right now to the Hamptons. I'm just like, whatever happens. Yeah. I just pooped my dipe. I pooped my dipe on the jitney with that. Really important point. So now we go to Amanda's house, and her toddlers are all over the place, Kanan and Delilah, and the assistant's helping out because Amanda is setting up for a party.

17:57And Amanda's like, oh my god do we get everything we need for the party and she's like yeah we got bags and journals oh god the second i heard journals i was like this is not a friend bags and journals yeah amanda's like and did we get copies of every for every one of my book rich's fuck because i'll sign it for them i'm sure that's what exactly these women are looking forward to sudden who's on the board of abt is like oh i do hope i get a signed edition of the money queen so rich ass fuck can't wait it'll be worth it just to see reba flipping through it i know reba's like can i manifest an anvil falling on this ding dong's head yeah so amanda says i feel like i'm not really understood by these women so i'm gonna have like a party and um they're gonna really understand me better amanda they understand you and they don't like you okay it's not it's not you're not some mystery okay you're some lady who's taking pop psychology from the 60s 70s and 80s that is like a dollar in the used bookstore and repurposing it for 50 000 to board housewives who are going into extreme debt to pay for it okay you're a monster yeah yeah you're you're the worst so um uh amanda now does the ritual of facetiming everyone and say hi and she has this like really high voice when she's trying to be nice she's like i am having a dinner called the manifestation moment dinner.

19:22And Erica's like, oh, wow, love that idea. Love that idea. Sorry, I was talking to my dog who just proposed me feeding him. I said, I love that idea. I'm going to do that after this phone call. What were you asking about, hon? Listen, you could have just stopped at man. Okay. Yeah, we're going to a man fest. Can't wait. So next is Sutton, and Sutton's like, wow, manifestation. That's fun. That's fun. great and then boz is like what manifestation party what the hell kind of name is that the name name for dinner party is that and they show boz's and she goes no i think it's gonna be a moment and then you see boz's face in the face i'm looking at her like what's wrong with you girl boz is like i am so confused you're ridiculous and amanda's like um I think it's going to be a moment.

20:17It's like, Oh God. So Amanda says, yeah, like other than a really small group of online haters, like I'm typically praised for what I do. The bots I hire from China all leave me really good comments. So I'm not sure what these people are talking about because I'm loved. So I'm going to approach this at like, you know, I'm not going to, I'm inviting them into my home. I'm sharing with them something I love. I'm opening up my world. I'm talking about manifestation and hopefully we'll understand each other a little bit better. Yeah, you're going to look at the pages of those journals when you leave and they're all going to say Red Rum over and over again, page after page.

20:57Honestly, Amanda is such a great casting choice for the show because she is so full of it. She's so full of bullshit and it is so funny to see everyone reacting to her. Like it is just, it is pure comedy. I love it so much. I mean, she's awful. she's awful in so many different ways but wow is this like not hilarious so Amanda and Anna her assistant are talking still and Amanda's like one thing that I'm learning about these ladies is that they're all working on like big things and big goals and when I'm in that situation I try to manifest the fuck out of it and I'm going to just have them do some classic journal prompts about manifestation at the table so get ready Sunstrak you're going to get a classic journal prompt yeah going to the hamptons and because you're you're all idiots i'm at is like journaling is like writing down your goals and your dreams and desires it's an opportunity for self-reflection emotional regulation and clarity have you read any of yours how could anyone like you write this stuff down and still believe it afterwards you're so full of shit so she wants everyone to create their best lives and her assistant who's making like a minimum wage and you know her ringing kids and dealing like dealing with kids and all this other shit it's just like wow sounds like good vibes i'm sure it works which is why i'm stuck in this fucking predicament i just started watching i love la and um it's basically if you took that entire show and just like poured it into one person it's amanda just ridiculous stereotypes of los angeles all just rolled up in one vapid toothy person so the person i don't know why she just sort of has that like cheshire smile grin you know like uh like a like a charlatan wood so now uh dorit and uh so dorit is in the back seat of the car.

23:01She's sipping a juice and sighing. Our note taker pointed that out, which I think is such a funny, juice.

23:11Well, Dorit's solo in a car scenes are more the norm now because she doesn't really have anyone to get ready with or, you know, do all of that. So I'm really enjoying the Dorit like, well, we can at least do a scene of me sipping a juice in the car. And she'll just make the whole thing out of it. Like when she was like, I need a Coca-Cola or I can't come on with my day. Remember in the first episode, walking around her kitchen, talking about how much she has Coca-Cola. Driving down the street, drinking G and juice in my Chevy Tahoe, laid back. I've spent months trying to get Piqui to talk to me.

23:50I don't know what his intentions are. I don't know where his head is. Where is it? Where is his head? He's walking around a torso, a torso without any heads. They said he went over to Sleepy Hollow. I said, what does that even mean? Where is his head? He's riding a horse, a horse made of Pringles. I don't know where his head is. He's just a sack of flour, wandering around VIP stations around the city, making up with youngsters. I'm in limbo, and I have no control. I need to do something about it. So I'm going to go piss him off via his best friend at a restaurant. And it's cold. lady hawk lady hawk which by the way is a restaurant the chef i believe the chef of lady hawk is charbel who is on top chef 20 world all-stars there you go everyone little bravo easter egg in there um so to read i just think it's funny she's going into a place called lady hawk when she's like two steps from being that lady who has to hawk everything just to pay her rent.

24:52This is too on the nose. Lady Hawks. It's too on the nose. Go to Rosco's Madre.

25:02Time for some help. She needs to go to Voodoo Donuts, maybe. That's what she really needs to deal with the PK situation. So Dorit enters. So Mauricio was there, which means we get yet another scene of Mauricio on Bravo. Well, this is his home turf, but still, it's like a lot of Mauricio these days. It's like his fifth time in a week Go away And again it's another scene Of him looking at to read Like he's trying to read something on his laptop Furrowed browsed and opened And furrowed and then trying to figure out how to zoom in And then he zooms in too much Uh oh Something's happening here I sense lady feelings Hold on let me give you my face for lady emotions Oh Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

25:50He's so confused. He literally looks like, is he auditioning to be in stock footage? It's like, I need some stock footage of a man smiling. And he's like, ha, smile. It's like, now he's confused, confused. We need stock footage for Google Maps of somebody just lost. Okay, could you just give us lost face? Oh, I don't know what you mean. Okay, a woman is feeling something. Oh, what? What is that, a stoplight? What? What? I don't understand Commercials Here comes one right now So Dorit orders her Classic drink I'll have a Belvedere on the rocks And I'll have three limons And squeeze them in Just squeeze them in But don't I don't want to say it Don't say carcass out Look she's trying so hard not to say carcass out but you see in her face that she knows now she's going to get a drink with three damn lemons taking up the space and she's pissed but she doesn't want to give mauricio the satisfaction of saying carcass out because she knows that he'll make fun of him in his mind he'll make fun of her in his mind mauricio i basically am a carcass in my own glass thanks to pk and says well uh well thank you very much for inviting me carcass out after i said it so many times and then pk left turns out manifesting does work yeah well thank you for inviting me to do this I hope I can be of help I'm not here to take sides only to advocate for PK's side okay tell me what you want to say so she's like well I would like for PK and I to not be on opposite sides okay I want to be you know because the thing is you know what the joke is about when your mama is so big that when she walks around the block she's around the block I think you got that joke wrong and I'm not I'm just trying to make a joke about PK and size to lighten up the mood a little bit Mauricio I'm not really following the yo mama and the PK thing a little bit you want to start from the top well I literally cannot get PK to communicate with me and I'm hoping Mo can nudge him to get on the same page because that's what's best for the kids now I don't know what PK is saying to you and he's like well you know I know he'd like to have a schedule with the kids, you know, actually be able to see them.

28:18Well, I want him involved in their lives, Mo. I do, Mo. Involved. Involved in their lives. You know, I've started covering little Jaggy in powdered sugar just to get his father to pay any sort of attention to him. It hasn't worked. Now I've just got a child with allergies. Yeah, well, yeah, okay. Well, hopefully it all works out, right? He just doesn't know what to say at any point. And I'm not restricting him from them at all. Well, I mean, so according to him, he's texted you asking to see the kids and asking to be with the kids. He has never texted me once asking me to see the kids. Well, he's shown me his phone and I've scrolled up and down and seen your replies and his replies and conversations about the kids and conversations about him asking for a schedule.

29:11you know and he's like look this is how i do it i scroll up and i scroll down and i scroll up again and i scroll down again that's how you know i've done it because i can actually mimic the action of scrolling up and down with my finger yeah mo mo listen to me okay paint paint you're painting a fence no no no okay yeah wax on wax off no it's not charades i'm doing i'm doing scrolling up and down on the phone. Oh, Karate Kid, got it, nailed it, nailed it. He will tell her a story and make sure it's very one-sided, Mo. And Marisa's like, well, I mean, I've seen it all. Like, I promise you, I've seen the spreadsheets for his plan for the money.

29:54I'm like, well, him having spreadsheets is one thing. Him actually communicating that or anything with Dorit is a whole other thing. You know, I don't know. I mean, when Marisa says he's seen the text messages, his vibe is kind of like, I've seen it. I've seen that he's texted you. It is kind of convincing. But I also have to imagine that this is very selective on PK's part to make him look like he's in the best light. And I just have to believe to read on this, you know. I mean, I believe PK, too, though. I do believe that. Look, no one's going to tell the exact whole truth. Like, she's getting her side to say her thing.

30:32and he's been using his side to say all of PK's things. So they're basically just saying that the other one is a bad parent. You know, PK never shows up. Dorita's trying to turn the kids against him. I mean, it's kind of typical in a divorce. But I do believe that PK's probably said, yeah, I want to see the kids or whatever. Mauricio's seen the text. I believe that. The thing is, PK's doing that so he can then show his friend, look, I sent these texts and she's not answering me. PK's been out of town months at a time. We all know that. He's not arguing that. So how is he going to see the kids if he's not even here?

31:02And he's not, he's trying to cut the mom off for the money and leave her with this mortgage that he put everything in her name to fuck her over with. So PK is fucking her over no matter how Mauricio wants to slice it and dice it and be like, okay, wow. He wants to see the kids. Well, that's nice because he's been gone for six weeks in a row and he's about to leave for another two months. So where are we going with that, Mauricio? I'm like, come on, you dick. And of course, Mauricio is going to come up here and stand for the other terrible man on the show. Of course he will. Yeah. Team to read.

31:32Yeah. But I'm sure he has sent texts being like, can I see the kids? I'm just like, well, did you better do it on my time? He's like, well, I'll be there in six weeks. I better see them because you're a terrible mother. So he's probably sending her texts to get evidence. Yeah. And I feel like Mauricio, his role. First of all, if I were him, I would not have even agreed to do this. Honestly, like you're going to just always lose. It's just, just stay out of it. Let the two of them deal with it. But I think his energy should have been more like, you know, PK has shown me texts that seem to indicate otherwise.

32:05So maybe you could show me and like we can sort of piece together where the gaps are because I can be a third party. I can see how you guys are miscommunicating. But his was kind of like, no, you're crazy. PK does text you. PK does text you. He does. And that's like not helpful at all. Yeah, he's like, but he sent them to me, showed me everything, you know. And she's like, look at me, Mel. And he's like, but okay, but then you haven't opened them then because they're in your text. I promise you, look at your text. He's like, Mo, let me break out my text and see this proposal I've never seen. Oh, June 20th.

32:35Oh, still don't have a proposal. Where is that? And he's like, but I can only tell you what I've seen. And I've seen it. I've seen it myself. The Google sheet. I've seen the Google sheet. Gee, I know PK's tactics and his game. And he'll isolate texts and send them to people. or shows people when he's with them be like, look, look, but he omits the context. And it's very easy for PK to peddle a false narrative when I'm not around to defend myself. And this is the same old, same old Mo, same old. He's like, well, I think we're derailing the conversation into the wrong space. OK, so let's go one thing.

33:12Let's attack one thing at a time. He's telling me he wants to see the kids and you're telling me he wants to see the you're telling me you want him to see the kids. So where are the kids? Well, they're covered in powdered sugar. You can't see them. They match the tablecloth. Jaggi's right there. I don't see him. You see? They're not scrolling properly. I want my children to see their father, but I don't want them to be scared. So until we find out where his head is, we cannot have the children see him in this state. I want them to see their father, but I also don't want them to realize that they've been talking to an uncooked croissant.

33:50so uh mauricio is like now he's like he's taking off his jacket his arms are crossed so he sort of has more of a hostile stance and she's like well go tell your friend and say pk what does it matter with you dorit has tried to sit down and speak to you tell him he's got a he's got a thing about the kids and i'm on his side i'm actually on his side about this oh okay okay okay but i'm not I'm not keeping him from the kids. Okay. Well, I know what's going on with him, and I want to share. I want him to be involved. I need him to be involved. Did you know that Jakey only asked for his grandfather now?

34:28He doesn't even remember his father. Yeah, love it. Great, great, great. Okay, cool. Okay, so I'm going to go tell PK Dorit is crazy, crazy Cocoa Puffs. Okay, got it, got it. But if he's going to be involved, he has to show up clear-headed. He's like, oh, oh, oh, he's 100 % will do that. He's always clear-headed. Mo, he started drinking again. He's like, well, you know, you've not been with him. He's not drinking every day. He's not over-drinking. When we go to dinner, he orders a glass of wine, maybe eight. You know, we're not pounding it. That's not what he's doing. I'm not talking about wine.

35:04I'm talking about Bisquick. He's drinking Bisquick. He needs to stop right away.

35:11Well, but he didn't just quit drinking for a year as a casual thing, Mauricio. He stopped drinking because he needs to stop drinking. He's like, well, there's two sides to every story. You know, there's different perceptions. You know, some people can say the alphabet backwards because they practice it. What are you going to do? Sounds like you guys just need to talk. I'm like, yeah, that's the whole reason why you're here is because you won't talk to Dorit. this is Mauricio being like okay this is getting I can't do this anymore now you're accusing him of being a full-blown alcoholic again yeah exactly so um now we're moving on to his alcoholism now I don't know you know I know that she's talking to him as a friend and being like okay well you need to help him or whatever but I don't know there's just some things I don't think you can go to the friend to do like make him stop drinking and tell him to show up sober too I mean to read Really what she needs to do, you know, Dorit gets pissed because she thought that this was going to be a huge help.

36:11And, of course, Mauricio is not even trying to hide that he's kind of hostile here, right? He's like, I'm on PK side. You're nuts. I've seen all these text messages. You're trying to make him look like a bad dad. And that's his stance. And Dorit's like, well, okay, then remind him he's an alcoholic. And if he wants to see his kids, it's just not the right way to do this, Dorit. You need to get a forensic accountant because she tells us again in this episode she still has no idea how much money there is, where the money is. because PK keeps redacting everything. You need to get a forensic. He's got you by the toes right now because of money.

36:44You need to get a lawyer. This is crazy. So I don't like this. These are areas I don't know and I don't understand. I don't know why PK is allowed to have redacted elements of his financial records. I don't know why this is the way it is. but if there is a professional that Dorit could be using to help her she needs to get that professional in her life I don't know if it's like oh if it's I don't know because there's all these different tiers of divorce mediation and this is sealed and unsealed and I'm learning it all from Bravo and so I don't know what realm her divorce is in but what I do know is like I feel like she should be able to get those numbers about what money he has and how much Once you file, you're supposed to get a lawyer.

37:32They freeze all of that shit and they do forensic accounting and they get all that information. You can't just redact it. I mean, who's his lawyer, Pam Bondi? You don't get to just redact the whole thing. This divorce is taking place in Culver City, so everyone watch out. Put on your bulletproof vests. Jesus. Yeah, this is crazy. She needs to stop worrying about Mauricio or PK or visitation or all that shit. And she needs to get a fucking lawyer and she needs to get a financial. She needs to get a forensic accountant. This is such a waste of time to go. Honestly, she shouldn't have really, I think, gone to Mauricio in the first place.

38:13I mean, I'm sure, realistically, it was Bravo. Bravo's like, we need to have you guys have a scene. Mauricio should not be involved. Two people who are getting divorced, you do not want to put yourself in that position ever. Or, I mean, even if it's just a breakup, just like a regular breakup, it's not even a divorce. You don't want to be in that position. But a divorce is like, it gets messy. You just steer clear of all of that. And yeah, but it also feels like Dorit, like this feels almost like a weird lateral move. You need to, in my own unexpert legal opinion, get a lawyer, get someone who goes through the proper channels to deal with this.

38:51Because going through Mauricio, waste of time. Mauricio, yeah. Yeah, and it feels like what she's trying to do is she's got Kyle, you know, kind of saying what PK is saying to Mauricio. So PK is getting his side out, even not being on camera. He's painting Dorit as being like crazy and holding the kids from him, right? And so she's like, well, that's not fair. So then I'll get the story out. If Kyle's not going to support me and let me get the story out, then I'll have Mauricio over here and I'll get the story out to Mauricio. and then that's how I'll kind of, but you can't do it through Mauricio because Mauricio is not your friend, you know?

39:25He acted like your friend, but ultimately it's the guys who were friends, never you guys. Yeah, and what it also further confirms is that like Kyle obviously is getting her intel either directly from PK or from Mauricio. I don't actually see a clip of it. Like, and this is not, that's not a shock, but it also goes to show that Kyle would rather take Mauricio's word over this whole situation than the words of her alleged friend, you know, and I think that's kind of shitty. Yeah, so we go to Sutton's house, and she has a new puppy, and she FaceTimes Porter to show her the puppy, and it's Ozzy, her new dog.

40:02Okay, and I need to talk to you. The Pope sent Ozzy a letter, and it was addressed to Ozzy Brown. Big deal. It's a big deal. how do you feel about the fact that I got a dog and I named it a name that sort of sounds like Avi but not quite it's like uh I don't care well guess what also the the pope wants me to be called Sutton Brown not Sutton Strack anymore do you have any feelings about that she's like I don't care mother I'm just trying to put in my order at Chipotle she's like I don't have to go by Brown do I no but I always thought I'd have the same last name as my daughter she's like mom uh you're breaking up right now bye mom it's like brown like charlie well i've never really thought of it like that one mommy couldn't even kick a football well i really didn't think about it like that listen i'm trying to have a storyline i'm alone in the house i got a dog that rhymes with obvi so i can finally have somebody in my life working for me that doesn't you know go against an nda so just please please border's like um you're stupid and your time on the show is over okay all you have to talk about is the last name that nobody cares about okay the pope doesn't even want to talk about this mother okay the pope has canceled you get off this show fine i'll bore america with it well america here i am 50 changing my name i never thought it would happen you know we i'm an empty nester now my baby birds have left literally i had some baby birds they just flew out the window cannot keep a window open that's the real story with avi by by the way, left that window open, lost my baby birds.

41:35Anyway. And to name that on top of that, now I'm just Brown. Um, um, you just call me Sutton K Brown. Downtown Sutton Brown. So I'm known. Where am I going? What's my identity? I mean, am I Brown? Sutton, you need more. You need to, you need more. You need to get Avi over here and fight. Something needs to happen because this is you're, you're fired. Okay. Downward spiral in her living room.

42:08Who am I? Am I my resume? Well, am I brand? Who am I? So then we go to Dorit's house and Dorit is packing for the Hinton's. And she's like, oh, this might be the start to an actual hot girl's meal. Yes. and then she's really happy because she has her little mini Kelly Hermes bag that she's matching. And then we go to Kyle's house and this was funny to me. So she's packing with Jen, her friend and Kyle's like, yeah, this is gonna be a hot girl summer, Jen. And Jen goes, are we still saying hot girl summer? I thought that was like two summers ago. I was like, thank you for someone finally acknowledging this.

42:52This is what I've been thinking all season. I can't believe I didn't really articulate it on the show but I was like, isn't hot girl summer kind of like, isn't that like passe? and then Kyle goes yeah but Rachel doesn't know that and she keeps saying it so I'm just going along with it and I was like wow it's bad when even Kyle knows did Kyle know though remember when Kyle was like my eyebrows are on fleek this hot girl summer's on fleek can't wait to be Audi 5000 to Beverly Hills so Dana Rachel's assistant is pulling all of her caftans out and she's like oh my god love Dolce oh my god this is vintage Poochie that I got at the vintage show.

43:28Do you remember? Oh my God. Joanna Ortiz caftan. She is the Hamptons. These, all of these are classic Hamptons and they're all the same caftan. It's just all the same caftan. Slightly different. Rachel can find a vintage caftan wherever she goes. It's a talent. Someone is banging at my door. Hold on one second. One second. There's someone from FedEx here. One second.

43:52Jeleus.

43:57Where am I?

44:22I'm so sorry about that. He was banging and Dom wasn't here to open the door. Well, that's quite all right, isn't it? He wasn't leaving the package. I'm sorry. Sorry about that. So yeah, vintage Poochie, Joanna Ortiz Kaftan, vintage Chloe dress, priceless. I love how surprised she is. I love that. Sorry. I love how surprised she is by all the items in her closet. Oh my God. A Chloe dress. Oh my God. That was from like when Karl Lagerfeld was there. Oh my God. Chanel. I love this Chanel. Oh my God. There's the kaleidoscope from, from Sedona. Oh my God. It's just the watching someone that excited to look like Mrs.

45:07Roper cracks me. Well, who wouldn't be? Honestly,

45:14actually, it's really endearing. It's like very funny to me, but it's really endearing. This is someone who loves fashion on like, like a deep, deep level. than when she sees an item that she bought. Like she acts like someone just brought this to her. Like she was at like a restaurant and someone says, Ms. Zoe, special order for you. And then they bring out like a Chanel dress. But these are things that she already has acquired, but she's just so excited to like rediscover them again in her closet. Yeah. She's like, for me, I approach the Hamptons, like I approach the South of France, like caftans, backless dresses, gold jewelry.

45:49You're not supposed to wear heels in the Hamptons. I don't care. Cause I'm me. I do whatever I fucking want to. This is hot girl. Summer. Yeah. Because you know what? That's not me. Said me never. I don't know if I even understand that. It is me. So now we go to the LAX Vauxery Terminal, the place where the celebrities, I guess, go. There's some sort of like satellite space. This is what's so funny. Here's what's funny about celebrity culture. it's like hey you're so famous you don't even have to go into the main terminal we're gonna give you your own special little spot and it's basically like it looks like like avis rent a car rental car you know it's like it's a tiny little thing where they put out like a fruit platter but because it's like far away from everyone else it's like oh the height of luxury avis desk yeah i mean obviously it's great we were always trying to get into those airport lounges.

46:50We're like, oh my God, our dream when we're touring is to go to an airport lounge. So we got all the right credit cards, you know, like it took us a while, but like we worked our way into those lounges and then we finally get into the lounge and we're like, oh, it's just a shitty Hyatt Place buffet. What the hell? But that's what's so funny. And look, don't get me wrong. If I can get ever access to that special little LAX, you know, hobby hole of a receiving location, I will 100 % go and be happy about it. But I just think it's so funny that like, it's by and large, like a very nothing burger little sitting space, right?

47:26Like seating space. There's just some chairs, a little table and they do bring out caviar and everything. But like, it's not, I wouldn't look at that and be like, wow, this is so chic. But the fact that it's just like far away from everyone else, it's like, wow, this is the coolest spot in all of LAX. It's a chair. It's like two chairs and some caviar. But you get to do things like pick up a landline and be like, hi, can we get some coffee and like some caviar? Yeah. Thanks. You have landline. Stir the caviar in. I just want fish, egg coffee. Just bring it to me. Dress it in a caftan. Go crazy.

48:01Yeah. Said me never. Yeah. Here's what I don't want. Coffee dressed in a caftan. Said me never. Hot coffee summer. um i noticed by the way when kyle was packing she has a big ass landline in our house and i know i have to assume like okay maybe for like security gates and everything like that but this was like a full-on 1994 office phone that was like wide it was like as wide as like a ps5 and i was like what's happening with that giant ass phone in kyle's bedroom i wonder no i want to know if anyone else saw that and if they have any theories and kyle's like oh my god i have to go on vacation with someone I'm not even talking to.

48:42How's that going to work? Rachel's like, do you want a cappuccino? And Dorit finally gets there. An hour late, but, you know, it's pretty good for Dorit. She's like, I've had two cappuccinos already. I just haven't slept. I haven't slept. Let me tell you. BK had an emergency mediation, and he agreed to take the kids. Well, I mean, the Hamptons. Although he didn't pick them up until much later than we agreed upon. But you know what? It doesn't matter because there's nothing that's going to take away the ability to have food this weekend. I like how when Dorit says, I've had two cappuccinos already.

49:21And Kyle goes, I'm on my third. You win. You win, Kyle. But they're all competing because Dorit's like, well, I haven't slept, you guys. And Rachel's like, yeah, me neither. I slept an hour and a half. Oh, my God. We're just all beating you today. Sorry. Emergency mediation. We both beat Dorit. so guys I actually slept for like 88 minutes so it's just like a little bit less time than like the 90 minutes so like I don't know maybe I'm like the most tired here so now we cross cut with this luxury with um uh to Amanda's house and Amanda is setting up her table and um Eddie joins her she's like hi Eddie like the way she says hello to her children and Eddie drives me nuts.

50:02Hi, sweet thing. So she goes, so you remember how you said Dorit can't come to our house and yell at a table of people in front of our kids and that whole thing? Well, I found out that Kyle and Dorit and Rachel are in the Hamptons this weekend. He's like, so worst case, we got booze. She's like, yeah. See, manifestation works. Dorit is 3 ,000 miles away from me. Now 3 ,000 miles away in the Hamptons. Kyle and Dorit and Rachel are going to their destination. And Kyle's like, did Amanda invite you guys to our manifestation thing? It's crazy. Which, by the way, it's really important for me to note this because I went back, I rewound for this exact moment in the recap, which is there was, Kyle asked Amanda, when Amanda invited her, Kyle asked if she was inviting Dorit.

50:53And Amanda was like, I don't know, I think maybe, I'm not sure. I have to think about it, blah, blah, blah. and so Kyle knows that Dorit's not invited. So the fact that she's sitting there and is like, so did everyone get invited to Amanda's thing? I'm like, what a fucker. You're such a fucker. You know Dorit didn't get invited. Yes, I got invited. It's like, I said the same thing. I said the same thing that I said to PAMS the last time they tried it. I declined. Oh, yeah. That's also the same thing that machines say to Dorit's credit card. So she invited everyone but moi That's me in Spanish Rachel's like Are you devastated?

51:37Are you devastated that you're missing the manifestation party? Wow Not only am I not devastated You don't give a shit Let me just guess That's the rest of the sentence Yes, I'm done I am done And I am done And she tells us Amanda is 40 going on 4 Do you think I'm bothered? Yeah, you actually did me a favor because I manifested not getting an invite. So think about that. The manifestation in reverse worked out. I manifested not getting invited before you manifested me not being there. So that's a touché. Let's pretend that that joke just wasn't already made by Amunda. Just keep it in there, did it?

52:16Guys, I made the joke first, actually. We'll go to the mat with manifestation jokes. Guys, I made the joke already. Sorry for interrupting you like 10 times today, Ronnie. Yeah. I made that joke like three times already. So now we go to Rachel's friend's house and Rachel's like, oh my God, I don't know that I needed like a leash for Dorit. Like, is she going to come in? Like, what the hell? I'm... So we meet Suzanne, Rachel's friend, and Pamela, Rachel's sister. And Rachel comes into this house, which is kind of, you know, it's like nice, but it's like a basic Hampton's house. They all look the same.

52:52It's like the house is in Beverly Hills. they all kind of look the same and she walks in she's like oh my god this is my happy place i'm happy here i'm so happy this is like my god it's like a normal foyer but like in the hamsons totally different literally so happy being back with the cool girls um first of all pamela i feel like pamela's a throwback to the rachel zo project because i was like oh my god i remember pamela second of all i am gonna push back i think these houses are much nicer than the beverly hills houses i think the beverly hills houses are actually trying to copy sometimes the hamptons look but this is like hamptons so if i had to choose between foyers i'm choosing the hamptons foyer for sure just want to draw a line of that one ronnie that's okay i think it looks like a another like farmhouse modern remodel the house um so rachel's like oh my god you know what i just realized holy shit everybody stop four years are different in the hamptons okay keep walking oh my god stop i realized something else we're all divorced you guys like we're literally all divorced right now and carl's like um actually i um i'm i'm separated so don't call me divorced please please don't call me divorced and if i was divorced i would be divorced much more peacefully than all of you so i kind of would have the best divorce out of all of you guys like no offense we're just like okay well all right well we're all husbandless not together you know and to say but i filed and you're the only one that didn't file kyle oh that rhymes i was like um okay fine i guess i guess i'm the only one with like a really peaceful separation that doesn't require filing yeah um like my sister she's been divorced more than she's like not been divorced like she's been divorced so many years i was like do you even remember being married she's like you you know what?

54:38I'm divorcing the idea that I was ever married. I was like, holy shit, you're like double divorced now. It's crazy. She wins. Yeah. Oh my God. Remember Pamela? Do you know what we were doing this time last year? Do you remember this Pamela? She's like, um, I think we were ordering takeout. No, no. She was taking an Ativan from my mother. By the way, Ativan, I also call it what Dorit's doing. Cause she always hangs out Ativan. Am I right guys? Anyway, she was taking Ativan from my mother. That's Dorit's future address. Hey you guys, where does Dorit live? Ativan.

55:10down by the river. So she was taking Alivan from my mother, breaking it in half, and trying to put it in my mouth because I couldn't breathe. I was like, I'm sorry. I have this vision of like Rachel being like a little puppy or a cat, like being fed like that medication, like open, open. Do not make me put this in a little Vienna sausage and shove it down your throat, okay? I can't open my mouth. I can't. I can't. Literally. I can't. I'm too devastated. I love medication, said me never. I can't. And Pamela goes, oh yeah, and where's he now, huh? She's living his best fucking life. That's where he is.

55:50So she says that it got really bad for her in the summer of 2024. And my sister called me and said, you have to do something different either way because the way you're living right now isn't working. I just suggest taking whatever you're doing and changing it. Do the opposite, it, but also still work half-dance because like, what are you a monster? So I did it. I remember getting to the Hamptons breathing and I think in that moment I was like trying to feel what it was like to be alone and I knew like almost instantly that that was better. It was actually literally better to sit there breathing in the toxic fumes of the Hampton Jitney exhaust pipe than it was to be with Raj any longer.

56:32Yeah. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. We never miss her call, it's Diane Call. Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark. Big yay, it's Emily Gauthier.

57:12Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less. Hava Nagila Weber. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Jamie, she has no less name-y. Sips some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's not a McBee, she's a McBride. Jess McBride. She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will Lauren Sills be. She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. Aren't you glad it's Marianne Arns? Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg.

57:55This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love-a-ya, Olivia Williamson. She sure is swell, it's Raquel. Yes, we canna, it's Savannah. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. Darn Skippy, it's Tippi. And our super premium sponsors. Make way for AJ Lopez. She's VVIP, it's Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O 'Neill. Put us on a stretcher, it's Charlotte Fletcher. Hogle your horses, it's Christine Hogle. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland.

58:40Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. She's a total knockout. It's Katie Manok. Let's get savage with Laura Wildman. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it, it's Lola Alkalani Roger that, it's Marlis Rogers The Incredible Edible Matthew Sisters She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose There's a Chance of Meatballs, it's Rebecca Cloud Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska She's the Queen Bee, it's Sarah Lemke We Cannot Tell a Lie, it's Sarah Talafson Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony Please don't stop, it's Soli and Pop Let's take off with Tam La Plaine Strike a pose, it's Tori Rose She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar We love you guys