#3291 The Valley S3E01 Part One: Sip and Lacey

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1:37Ben Mandelker: You guys, I have some legendary news for you. 20 years after its debut, the HBO original comedy series The Comeback is finally back. I've always loved how the show skewers Hollywood, and seeing Lisa Kudrow return as the iconic Valerie Cherish is exactly what we need right now.

1:54Ronnie Karam: This season picks up over a decade later. Valerie is finally starring in a new show, but here's the twist. It's being written by AI. She's still navigating the chaos in the industry and chasing those big dreams with that same Valerie Cherish energy we adore.

2:08Ben Mandelker: If you're watching this season, and you really should be, by the way, you've got to check out the official Comeback podcast. Host Evan Ross Katz is joined by Lisa Kudrow and Michael Patrick King to unpack every episode, to dive into the show's origins and why Valerie is still such a relatable, resilient character after two decades.

2:23Ronnie Karam: You'll also hear from cast members like Laura Silverman and Ella Stiller, plus comedy powerhouses like Abby Jacobson and John Early. For anyone who loves a behind-the-scenes look at how iconic TV is made, this is a must-listen.

2:36Ben Mandelker: Stream the HBO original series The Comeback on HBO Max Sundays at 10.30 p.m. and watch The Comeback podcast on HBO Max or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

2:49Watch what happens when there's so much that crap ends. Watch what happens when there's so much that crap ends.

3:17Ben Mandelker: only ronnie carrom hey ronnie how's it going hello hello it's a big day big day here on bravo

3:25Ronnie Karam: yes what just is a big it is a big day that creek i said hello ben creek microphone over us microphone stand is a little bit rusty over here guys just like the valley

3:38Ben Mandelker: yes we're back the valley's back uh i think with almost zero fanfare it's sort of like either if whatever fanfare there was got overshadowed by people first complaining about Miami. And then of course, now we have our whole drama on Summer House, which made it to the New York Times, the top New York Times. It was literally like New York Times logo on their website. It's like New York Times logo on the left was like, oh, DHS is being funded again. And there's a war. And then on the right, it was explaining the Summer House scandal. I was like, wow, Wes and Amanda next to war on the New York Times.

4:13Ben Mandelker: Like they did it. We did it, Joe. That makes, um, before we dive into that Patreon, come visit us. Watch what crap happens. Patreon.com slash watch what crap happens. We have a newsletter that's free for everyone, even non-members. We also have ad free, uh, an ad free feed there for Patreon members, a weekly bonus episode this week. We did a big old recap on the latest episode of survivor last week's episode of survivor. I haven't actually watched last night's yet. Um, And we also have Crap is on Demand, where you can watch us, not just listen to us. So go check out Patreon. And in the meantime, let's dive into the season premiere of The Valley, a Jaxless Valley.

4:54Ben Mandelker: What did you think, Ronnie?

4:56Ronnie Karam: Loved the Jaxless-ness. You know, I forget how kind of sad this show is. I get like a sad feeling while I watch this show. Most of the shows on Bravo, they start. I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And this one, I just feel kind of sad as it goes on. I mean, like the settings are sad. The places they go to lunch are always really sad. They look like they have like sticky stuff on the table. Like the tables haven't been bust. And it's just like they're not designed. They're all like shitty diners. And then the apartments and the houses are all just like kind of sad too. And I don't know. And then the relationships are all sad.

5:28Ronnie Karam: And I don't know. I feel kind of sad. But then by the end, I'm laughing. So I guess that's all I can really ask for.

5:34Ben Mandelker: What do you think? I mean, Ronnie, it's a show based on the San Fernando Valley. I mean, what else do you expect? No, I mean, the show's great. It's a great show. It is sad. It's a sad show because getting older is sad and giving up on your dreams is sad and being anchored down to children is sad. So a lot of it is just a very sad show. But it's funny. I find that like I'm, I just like with honestly, I think with everything happening with Summer House, I just was not ready to pivot into the valley world yet because it's, it's such a, like, I feel like between summer house and the extended world of Vanderpump rules, there is such a different culture, you know, like summer house, the world of summer house has this East coast Manhattan vibe to it of like, of like wealthy, um, upper middle class kids who live in the city, not their adults who live in the city who are working in either media or, influencing and they're kind of like career driven you know and they go out to the hamptons they they do stuff and then when you go to like the world of vanderpump rules in the valley these are not career driven people i mean you got what's his face as a lawyer jason but everyone else is just sort of what are they doing they're just kind of hanging around i mean i don't know that's floating

6:57Ronnie Karam: but isn't that a question we ask we ask in la all the time like what does everybody do because like everybody's and i'm sure they ask it about us as they see us at the fucking you know coffee shop at noon on the laptop like what do they do you know everyone has like some weird connection to work that so that's kind of typical i guess they're all influencers i know britney's a pretty

7:21Ben Mandelker: big influencer i guess she's like an influencer jesse is a realtor michelle is i guess technically a realtor like they work but like the vibe there is just sort of like it feels like if you're on Vanderpump Rules or the Valley you at one point or another in your life or maybe actively were clutching to fame or chasing fame whereas on Summer House it feels like if the show ended everyone would be able to go back to a trajectory they were already on and I don't know like sometimes it's like hard to go from the summer house vibe to the west coast you know straight people vibe and um i think because the scandal on summer house is so big right now and so consuming what'd you say well they're all i know well i meant more just like i guess that's supposed like house i i as opposed to housewives whatever whatever we call the shows that are not about the real housewives that are generally about straight people like southern charm and you know all these shows i'm saying the i think i'm so consumed with summer house at the moment that i'm having a hard time like pivoting into the valley but i'll get there and it's fine i love

8:27Ronnie Karam: the show i've had summer house overdose i don't care anymore like there are so many posts that are like oh my god they were touching feet by the pool in episode two we didn't see i don't care like it's to me i don't i don't like i'm done i've already had it i was mad for a week and i think that's all i've got for it so i'm glad to have something else to be angry about and her name is janet and she's back so we start uh the episode with uh britney of course it's a brand new year and a brand new me i'm getting back my sporkle britney is more of a muppet than ever wow yeah she really came in with an extra dose of britney she got some britney wings and dipped them in some britney sauce and uh she's britney'd up wow britney britney is giving vibes of like a wind-up

9:15Ben Mandelker: doll and someone gave her like really basic things to say. When they go to the, when they go to El Coyote later in the episode and she keeps on interjecting with these random things like, it's bear o 'clock. I felt like someone is taking an, actively taking a cord from her back and pulling it and seeing what pops out of her mouth. It's bear o 'clock. She's just saying random shit like that. Bear me! Not to me! I don't know. We'll have to see when we get there. I don't remember specifically what she said but that entire scene like no matter what anyone said she would just sort of chuckle some sort of like silly response to it like well i got a flat tire today oh that's just like boys did right like what boys will be boys everything's so much better now i'm so much better i'm so happy now i'm paying for everything i'm so proud of myself paying for my baby i'm for my house.

10:10I'm paying for everything. This house that says home, it says home. I paid for that. I paid for that. Yeah. I'm still not divorced. Jax hasn't sent in the paperwork yet,

10:19Ronnie Karam: but I'm hoping within six weeks, he'll send in the paperwork. He ain't going to send in the paperwork. He wants half of your money, honey. That man's not doing anything. You're not getting away from Jax. I'll tell you that. And it's sad, but you're not going to get away from that man until he has half of everything.

10:36Ben Mandelker: Yeah. You will not be seeing that paperwork. He's using that paperwork to snort lines so now we go to zach's apartment with bungee and he's like benji's like honey i'm home he's like why is this their hair in my container look at this he has like an empty oxo cereal container that somehow has hair in it for whatever reason and then we see zach in the confessional and he's i guess turned into a light walker his eyes are piercing blue and then there's also like this 1940s like spotlight on him what are they doing to zach and he's like i'm still in west hollywood and i still haven't made the jump to the valley and i don't think i ever will and the great part is my roommate is moving out and benji is soft moving in but he's so small he doesn't take up much room it's basically like i get a triple the closet space because i'm dating

11:24Ronnie Karam: bungee so benji got a haircut it's a big day he's like yeah you know what and i need to do my glp one because like i don't have to lie about how i lose weight yeah other people on the cast pliers. But you know what? I'm going to do it right now. Oh, God. I hope I don't rub off too much of my spray tan. I'm skinny again. Yay!

11:46Ben Mandelker: And then over at Jasmine and Melissa's apartment in Sherman Oaks, Jasmine's like, well, Melissa and I are still living together. We moved in a new place in Sherman Oaks, and I can't believe that I'm living in the valley. But I'm just trying really hard to get off of this third-tier status in the show and actually get in the mix a little bit. Oh, in the mix. I can't believe I'm in the valley. Yeah, I'm, you know, I'm a little bit of a laid-back bride. I would say I'm just kind of a go with the flow. It's going to be black tie, no kids. It's going to be sushi. There's going to be a carving station.

12:15Ben Mandelker: We'll carve the sushi. It's very interactive. It's simple. It's elegant, and I don't want anybody rolling up there. Super easy.

12:20Ronnie Karam: Not a lot going on at the wedding. It's going to be super simple. Bride, bride, sushi, steak, buffet, napkins, forks, trapeze. There's going to be a lady on a trapeze. There's going to be a swimming pool. There's going to be mermaids. Mermaids in the swimming pool. Pretty easy. Pretty easy. Circus. circus performers, seals, people bouncing.

12:38Ben Mandelker: We're going to set up a mannequin so that we can, we're going to set up a mannequin so that way Danny can cup its ass and say, daddy's here. You know, things like that.

12:49Ronnie Karam: So Melissa's like, I can't believe we're actually getting married. I have so much to do. We should be doing more. Why aren't you helping? And she's like, I'm the groom. I'm not going to help you. So that's their storyline. Jasmine's like, I'm, I'm, I don't want to get wedding stuff done. Melissa's going to be like, we've got to get wedding stuff done.

13:07Ben Mandelker: Now let's go over to Michelle Lolly as she sages the house before Jesse comes over to pick up Isabella. I have my own plan again, and I'm truly, truly single. Erin and I didn't work out. And the producer's like, have you ever been broken up with before? Actually, it was the first time anybody has ever broken up with me. I usually do the breaking up, but I guess that's very threatening for people.

13:37Ronnie Karam: Only Michelle would use the sage before the evil person came over. You're supposed to use it after he comes.

13:43Ben Mandelker: And also open the windows. Open your windows when you do it.

13:48Ronnie Karam: So Jesse comes over and says, hi, Isabella. She's like, okay, Isabella, go with your father. Jesse and I split Isabella. We switch weekends. I wish the divorce was vinylized, but it is not. He always has an excuse as to why he cannot sign the paper. Because he wants to spend your money, too. That's the men on the valley. That's why this show is so sad. All the men are just trying to leech off the women. I think except for the zombie one who grabs butts. Danny. He works occasionally. And Jason. Yeah, I guess Jason, too. so um jesse's like god michelle thinks that everything i do is strategic but you know like i want to get divorced it's just it just hasn't happened yet it will it will happen it it will

14:36Ben Mandelker: sign the papers i'm like you're you're really making this sound really he's like he says i want to get divorced it just hasn't happened yet simple i was like what's simple about that what do you mean it just hasn't happened yet did you like lose your fine motor skills and can't find your name? What's going on?

14:53Ronnie Karam: When you don't want to sign the papers, it's because there's something you're not getting in that divorce. And what do you want in the divorce? Money.

15:00Ben Mandelker: Not signing the papers in order to get something, extract some sort of value or improve your position is inherently a strategic thing to do. So don't tell us that you're not doing anything strategic right now. If you weren't doing anything strategic, you would sign the papers. You can't act like oh um you know it's just a video cassette you have to rewind before you bring it back to

15:22Ronnie Karam: blockbuster like sign it be kind rewind so we go to danny and nias house and you know we're going to danny and nias because they just show bare canyon hills like nothing at the house and uh it's so funny because they're really dissing santa clarita now i don't know santa clarita but i'm assuming that there's a best buy or a home does for something there a grocery store but the way this show makes it look like it's like

15:50Ben Mandelker: that is what it is it is isolation I've been up to Santa Clarita you know a handful of times in my life it is far you know the gold standard on these shows has been Marina Del Rey as like the far outpost of Los Angeles and that place Marina Del Rey is far as well but people don't realize of all the far flung locations Malibu marina del rey pasadena santa clarita has them beat tremendously people know about the valley for people who don't live in this area what you have is the valley which is north of areas like hollywood and beverly hills and santa monica you're the valley and you have to drive through the entire valley and go up into a little little sort of mountains and come back down again to a second valley and it's in that second valley and then sort of up and towards the back of it that's where santa clarita is it's in a whole other separate valley it's in the valley's own valley

16:44Ronnie Karam: spinoff it's the valley valley so yeah um here i'm looking at the maps and from my house i mean granted i'm in the valley already thanks a lot ben but i'm in the valley and it says that it's 30 minutes from my house but you know the maps are liars because every time especially in la that the map's like 30 minutes you better plan on at least an hour because they lie they're like Like, well, sorry, traffic just got bad. Traffic's always bad.

17:08Ben Mandelker: It's, yeah, it's always bad. Santa Clarita is, if you have no traffic, yeah, you can do it in like 30 minutes. But it's probably going to take an hour. And it's so far. You don't even understand. It's so far. And when you get up there, you're like, was it worth it to come this far? Was it really worth it? And the answer is usually no.

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19:26Ronnie Karam: well they did it so danny finally got his way and he's like i love you santa clarita woohoo yeah is that buku mountain right there is that daddy's mountain check it out 404 check it out santa clarita's heaven lord have mercy we got a new baby baby adelaide our number four wow

19:48Ben Mandelker: Well, we've taken the deep dive off to the middle of nowhere. I almost had a baby in the car thanks to Santa Clarita because it took an hour to get to the hospital because apparently they're still going to Cedars-Sinai in West Hollywood, which is crazy. And basically it took an hour for them to get all the way to the hospital. You're joy and zip code shaving on this show. I forgot what joy you get out of it. No, this is actually not joy. this is like what are you doing why are you still going to cedar sinai but like living in santa clarita what why are you being such masochists go to a hospital up there yeah you would think um but

20:27Ronnie Karam: you know you've done it three times so i guess it's like okay we're sticking with it we're sticking with what what we know for the fourth so their kids are screaming and running around and stuff and she's feeding her baby and so then we go to kristen and luke's home and kristen is also feeding her baby said a baby. It's like Luke and I are still engaged. I had a whole baby. I pooped myself. I'm an empath.

20:53Ben Mandelker: Do you think the blouse are because she's laying down or because the diaper's too small? He's like, um, there'll be nothing in the front and then all the way up the back, all that poop. The biggest change in me since Kaya is I'm way less grossed out by poop than I used to be. Also, I now have styled myself to look like a Playmobil figurine. That's a good thing, I guess. Is it a good thing to be more comfortable with feces on your hands?

21:16Ronnie Karam: Aren't you a farmer or something? What's that his thing? Like, doesn't he live off the grid on like some farm or something like that? What are you? You don't know stranger to poop, Montana? Get out of here.

21:25Ben Mandelker: Yeah. He's like, well, you feel well rested. How are you feeling? She's like, I don't know. It's like I told you the other day. I'm really good at being her mom. I just don't know how to be anything else. I just don't know how to be like a woman. You know what I mean? I'm not like being the best partner. and she so he's like yeah well i think if we got a good nanny everything else will ease up i'm like have you seen any of the other couples on your cast

21:52didn't work out so well guys our whole world we don't have time for anything else like we don't

21:58Ronnie Karam: have time to like i don't know like make love have sex blow jobs butt jobs none of it none of it and looks like yeah but like we've been with her every day so far like can't we do something else babe she's like no we're parents now okay i know you feel like we don't have a relationship he's like i didn't say that but like certain areas are lacking more than others like my penis

22:22Ben Mandelker: i miss having sex like i love kristin she's smoking hot like come on lay it on me well i'm gonna try harder with all that normalcy it just takes time okay a whole lot of precious time takes money and time to do it to do it to do it Kristen stop doing George Harrison baby steps okay to get back to feeling like yourself baby steps because I know it's it's my first time I've done this too but we'll have to sip and we have that sip and see coming up so that'll be a little different oh I know it's like the whole point of her it's her but like it's it's overwhelming for

22:53Ronnie Karam: me so she's gonna throw a sip and see together with Nia a joint sip and see because the girls are only six days apart and um she's overwhelmed and she's like i haven't left the house once since i had the baby my god you know what i really i really feel for pregnant because i'm like the same i never leave that if i have to even go to the house to the grocery store even even doing that is so hard and i don't even have a baby i don't even have the pain i don't have someone needing me to fuck them none of that so i kind of get it i mean i get the staying in the house part the baby part your own problem so you did that to yourself so lala and janitor shopping and uh so excited to see janet again and lala is a full-time cast member why wow huge why huge uh very exciting for america very exciting for america so she's like

23:51Ben Mandelker: i need to get kristin's a gift so look at that how cute is that and Dren's like oh my god Kristen would love the dogs I feel like the tight I want is so cute so Lala tells us I've known Kristen for like a long time she and I definitely have gone tosk cause I'm tough I'm Utah tosk I'm Lala and we see flashbacks

24:12Ronnie Karam: it's Tupac 2026 Lala yeah she fights hard and she loves hard and she's very much my type of chick

24:22Ben Mandelker: is it awkward that I'm like having you help me And Janet's like, no, I love all babies. So I want you to get them something cute. And honestly, I'm just glad that I wasn't invited and put in a position where I have to set to not go. And so last summer was a good lesson for me. It's been important to me to get into therapy, to work on myself, to reflect on how I can be better and not have so much pain in the group and also pain from hitting my head on the low hanging vent over my stove top. But that's a whole other issue. That's for a contractor.

24:52Ronnie Karam: Here comes Janet with the Bravo Male storyline, the Bravo Male villain storyline of Janet 2.0, guys. I'm totally different now. I started therapy. And let me show you how much that worked throughout this episode. It's like she does all the exact same shit she did before. But she goes to therapy now, guys. It's like, yeah, like Nia blocked me on everything. Like she'd made it pretty clear. Like she wants me to shut my mouth and like move on. so I feel like Nia would rather paint me as a liar when she knows I'm the one to recognize the truth about what's happening with her and her husband it's like you just said therapy why are you still coming for Nia the woman is living in Santa Clarita isn't she suffering enough

25:35Ben Mandelker: I know she is living in her own version of Mad Max up there just let her have her post-apocalyptic Santa Clarita life

25:44Ronnie Karam: you fucking bully what? leave her alone you fucking bully my god and lala's like well do you think i could say like you could say like i'm sorry like i'm sorry that i went to the hearts and maybe it wasn't my place and she's like no fuck no she's looking at her like you fucking crazy then we cut back to kristen and she's like oh the only people going to my sip and see are my close friends

26:09Ben Mandelker: and people slash people who would be rather would rather be doing really anything else that day than to go to some random restaurant in the middle of Ventura Boulevard to look at two babies. So Luke is like, yeah, like Janet and Jason, there's been no communication whatsoever, which I mean, how can a friendship repair when there's zero communication over a course of a year? Which I think is also a bit funny. Kristen and Luke were very much like, shut the fuck up, Janet, I'm done with you. And now Luke is like, gosh, i mean how can we even be friends with them if they're not even gonna reach out to us like uh i think i don't think it's like either just don't be friends with them or you guys have to reach out but i don't think it's i don't think like it's on janet to reach out to them

26:59Ronnie Karam: no they're just not friends and so it becomes like shooting like who's gonna shoot this scene you know now we're gonna try and block each other from scenes and it's funny because um you know we talk about like people using their weddings as this bargaining chip like oh really you want to be one of my bridesmaids, you better get your shit together or you're not going to be a bridesmaid. And then it's like, okay. And then you pay the thousands of dollars. And yes, I have been a bridesmaid. I've been a groomsman to everyone. He's like, what do you know? You never, I did experience this. So then you pay all the thousands of dollars for your outfit and the trip and the this and the that.

27:32Ronnie Karam: And you throw the parties, you do this. And then anytime she gets mad, it's like, oh, you're not, you want to come to the wedding? You better watch it. You think this is cheap to feeds you and feed all these. It's like, okay. So then you go to the wedding, then you pay for the pay all the money. It's like a fun party. Whether you fuck somebody's cousin, whatever. And then the next thing, oh my God, we're having a baby. You want to come to my shower? You better be. It's like this constant thing, but the returns are diminishing every time. It's like, then's the baby shower. Then's the gender reveal.

28:00Ronnie Karam: Then's the birth. Then's the sip and see. And people don't want to come anymore. You know what I mean? At some point we're like, we have spent our money i have given you thousands of dollars over the years and you're not going to hold this over my head like you're doing me some big fucking favor by looking at your little sack of goo there snotting all over the place in some restaurant that i'm going to pay the bill for anyway

28:20Ben Mandelker: yep that's exactly right being getting older is realizing that these these things in people's lives you're not obligated to participate in them whatsoever and it's not a privilege it's not a

28:34Ronnie Karam: privilege to be part of it go to the wedding send the baby a gift and call it a date save yourself some drama because it never ends especially with people like me and he's got me it just keeps having them you know and then it's like oh my god i need a second job to buy your fucking children and then they're the ones who always have the first birthday and the second and it's always a theme so you've got to go buy a theme costume to come to the fucking thing girl and then they

28:59Ben Mandelker: have so many kids they have to move out to santa clarita and the next thing you know it's like well you guys come to Santa Clarita for our party? So we're going to have to go to the kids' one-year-old party up in Santa Clarita. The only upside to that is that there is a Red Lobster in Valencia, so, you know, like, I almost would go to Santa... I would go to a birthday party in Santa Clarita just if it meant that I could, like, tack on a Red Lobster trip afterwards, because it's like the Red Lobsters in Los Angeles are very far flung, and you literally have to go out to Valencia. And at that point, you might as well go to Magic Mountain and ride some roller coasters.

29:32Ben Mandelker: And honestly, this is turning out to be a pretty good day now that i say it i know that's like oh my god i need to make more straight friends is there a container store up there because we hit the trifecta yeah but you know

29:44Ronnie Karam: i know we sound like two crotchety you know single people but that's what happens when you're single you start seeing what a robbery the rest of you all impose on us okay because i do want to be included in my couple's lives and you know i love the kids and i'm like everyone's uncle like i love that and i it's not like i'm saying don't go through all that but i think maybe go back to just being like don't invite ronnie he's gay i mean or before i had a parade in the street or like a thing in the street like why am i not invited just because i'm gay but now that i am invited everywhere i'm like just don't invite me i'm gay i mean i just want to put that on the rsvp

30:22Ben Mandelker: no i'm gay i think it's single i think it's more just like don't guilt me about things don't guilt me about like well oh well you're not going to get invited to the wedding if this happens it's like right great exactly thank you know like please enjoy your overcooked chicken um that said this

30:41Ronnie Karam: all stems from kristin saying like well she's not coming to my sippancy and i'm team kristin this not team janet but you know it's just whenever i hear that i get a little triggered like well you're not coming to my sippancy it's like oh wow call the newspaper you know yeah Call page six. Ronnie was excluded from a suppancy. So Kristen's like, you know, Janet shit on too many friends, and she doesn't even exist to me, which is why I'm still so pissed. And the only moment she even existed was that second at Brittany's house last year. And then we cut to Janet. She's like, oh, my God, that interaction at Brittany's, that was not great.

31:19Ronnie Karam: It went from like, oh, Kristen has a baby on her boob to like, oh, my God. And Lala goes, yeah, like, oh, Kristen has a baby on her boob.

31:28Ben Mandelker: Yeah, get me out of here as quick as I can. Get me to Dave and Buster's. Brittany had a pool party that she was going to invite all the kids over for. And I'm like, okay, if Kristen's there, she'll probably have a newborn with her. So she's going to be sticking inside in the air conditioning. We'll get there. We'll change. We'll go to the pool. It probably won't even be that big of an issue. Oh, here's my side of the story. Brittany told me that if Janet was 99 % not going to come, especially if she knew I was going to be there. and she was probably going to cancel and I shouldn't even worry about it.

31:56Ben Mandelker: Well, tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies because the next thing I know, Janet showed up. Well, Kristen's like, Brittany, why is she here? She doesn't deserve to be here. Took me a second to be like, oh, is she talking about me? No, not doing this today. Not doing this today.

32:13Ronnie Karam: Not in front of my kid, my entire being. I think whenever Janet tells a memory, like she tells a story that's a memory, they should do it like Dateline style where they're showing you the scene of the crime. It's like, it was October 22nd. It's all black and white and grainy. And they're making it as dramatic as possible before you see the dead body. Because every time she tells it, she's like, a crime was committed against me and to my people. So she's like, yeah, in front of my kid. I was like, oh God, here we go. Now you have a kid, so it makes it tons worse. What about the people who had a kid that you spent the whole last year calling the dad a sexual assaulter and everything else?

32:50Ronnie Karam: Get out of here. even though that guy did grab the butt still not on team danny um even though i'm not i know you see that's what makes me crazy the show you call them a sexual assault or oh although

33:03Ben Mandelker: he did grab the thigh of that girl and said he did you know he did but she takes it to a different

33:08Ronnie Karam: level where it's like sexual assault you know she just makes everything so dramatic you know and she's like not in front of my kid me mean being told to leave in front of my kid get out of here So I scooped up Cam and I grabbed our back and I turned around and I walked away. I got in the car. I texted her and I was just like, what the fuck? And then we see the text. They're like, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's all the text. It wasn't just one saying, what the fuck? It's like, seriously, not okay? In front of my child. In front of my child. My child can't breathe right now. Are you okay? My child is choking on the disrespect.

33:42You almost killed my child. You child assaulter.

33:46Ben Mandelker: Cameron is crying because I just spent the last hour telling him we were swimming. What the fuck is that? My child is crying. My child is crying. Go to the public pool, okay? They're all over the valley. Let's knock on someone's door. There's peers everywhere.

34:01Ronnie Karam: Or go to the party anyway. Kristen's going to be there the rest of your filming life anyway. Go to the party. Put some floaties on your kid's arm. Throw them in the pool like everybody else. Come back inside and tell Kristen to shut the fuck up. I'm like, why are you such a wimp?

34:15Ben Mandelker: and then there's that too quite frankly that's actually really what she should have done is that she should have used the child kit the child card and said like don't do this in front of the children kristen i know you're new at this but don't do this you know use your baby as a damn

34:31Ronnie Karam: weapon like everybody else you know kristen's like walking in there with her baby like i got a baby now you're not the only one with the baby now bitch she's like oh really i have cam and cam is very upset with you chris then it's like a video game of their own each have like their own

34:47Ben Mandelker: each like house has their own flag except it's just a baby just like like it's like and um but the thing is this she i mean she still is using her child she's just using her child in a different way because she's using the child she's because this way she also gets to say i was basically like shunned from the party and i had to leave but you're right she should have just put the kid in the pool and been like, Kristen, I know you're upset, but we're adults here and there's children and let's not do this. Let's not do this in front of your beautiful sleeping angel on your chest. But it's also Kristen and who knows really.

35:25Ben Mandelker: Kristen is like, get her out of here. It's hard with Kristen sometimes.

35:32Ronnie Karam: Then let Kristen be the ranting, raving psycho at the party and just stay calm and put the kid in the pool. It's like, you're not new to this. You're not new to this dynamic. and you helped cause this dynamic. So stop acting like, oh my God, my baby, my poor baby. And just all the texts on the screen are really crazy. It's like my child is crying and so confused. Oh God, why can't she just ignore me? I can't believe you allowed this to happen, Brittany. Seriously, I'm not okay. I'm literally shaking. Tell her to leave if she has a problem.

36:01Ben Mandelker: Oh God. Guys, it's a pool party, all right? Here is at Brittany's house. I know. So I also, I went into threads last night and then this morning and just very briefly. And I saw, I think Kristen's going through it because like someone, someone, whatever the equivalent of tweeting is on threads posted something like, like, oh my God, why is Kristen like, Kristen should not be celebrated. She's a crazy person. And Kristen's like, seriously, seriously say it to my face. And then today she was like, the amount of hate that I'm getting on this platform is absolutely insane. I don't know why. Like, it makes me so funny to think of Kristen being on threads at home and be like, oh God,

36:36Ronnie Karam: another person said something so wait what what were they telling her on trans just it was just typical internet stuff like christian should be what okay i'll look it up i'll look it up it was

36:47Ben Mandelker: just like no just like a general christian like unremarkable just like unremarkable you know my christian media chatter like christian sucks or whatever and she was just like very unhappy about it i think i think that maybe she was hoping that to be to have like unfettered support to be like she finally got her baby and not that everyone would be like oh my god so happy for kristen so when people are like but kristen she's like what seriously i have a baby now okay here's what she wrote here's what she wrote yesterday i don't know why it's just because it's kristen so funny to me it's a generic thing you're so delighted she goes truly fucking baffled by the number of people on threads who tag me and are so cruel and rude here's your one moment guys why don't forget to at me so we all see it i'd love it even more if you'd tell me face to face i just love her like face to face because you know she paced around that apartment all day long like i'm gonna write something luke i'm gonna write something on threads like kristin don't do it come on not in front of jill i'm gonna do it look away jill that was probably home like did you see kristin's

38:00Ronnie Karam: tweet my baby is crying just on threads my baby's on threads traumatized my baby so i was like yeah but i'm just look look i get it i get that you have drama but like i'm looking for fun okay because i've been chilling for like two years playing mama and like i'm covered in spit up And I just want everyone to fucking get along So congrats on your baby Like where are you at with Janet? Remember her? And so then we go to Brittany And I love that Lala hasn't been on a show for two years So she's like I haven't been doing shit for two years I've been in a dark box seeing nothing I only exist on television So please

38:40Ben Mandelker: She has been working on not her resume But just her resume Like I'd like to resume shooting please So I like Lala on a box

38:48Ronnie Karam: when she's not being used for TV. Although I know she has been out of that box because her podcast, she has a podcast with Rand's other ex-wife and they would post clips and it's like, oh my God, we're talking about like the most gross things Rand would do in bed. I'm like, who is listening to this? Why would anybody want to picture that man naked having sex with anybody, let alone two of you?

39:14Ben Mandelker: Yeah, let me bookmark that episode. we now go to Brittany's house and she's facing him with Brandon and he's like hey what are you doing by the way this guy looks to me very much like Jax tattoos, has the same smile he visually has a lot of references to Jax and Brittany's like well just a macking a little bit cause I miss you he's like I miss you too five days in camo together and you're not there to be yet and he's like no probably could have done at least three more days Oh, three more days. One o 'clock, two o 'clock, three o 'clock floor. Wait, how's that goatee tequila one? You know, do it from the top.

39:51How many days are in an hour again? Wow, guys, I'm getting my sparkle back. I met Brandon in Kentucky. I've known him a long time. Maybe since kindergarten. I don't know. I didn't go to kindergarten. Anyway. Oh, my God. Brittany is on like a 20. So she says that she is.

40:13Ben Mandelker: She's so funny. She's actually cracking me up because she's so happy. She's like finally seeing life for the first time outside of Jax. And it's like, she is like someone in one of those time traveler movies. Like someone from 1805 gets transported to New York City. And it's like, what's that? Hot dog. I've never seen something like that. And she's just like, her eyes are wide. Hot dogs were beautiful when you got sparkle. I'm a single girl eating the hot dog now. Okay. Well, things instantly clicked. And eventually it turned into like this romantic thing. But the timing just wasn't right. because like I had this opportunity to go on TV and marry Jax and like it's been like 13 years since we've seen each other the man and Brandon are just like so great together we're like sparkling sparkling making double sparkle we're actually best friends and it makes me feel real good cause he's just so nice to me and the first time he came to visit me I was like you can sleep in my guest room I hear it but I didn't know if that sparkle was gonna be the same but he did sleep in my guest room but I slept in there with him

41:12Ben Mandelker: Mainly because Jack still has cameras installed in the main house, so there was some logistics involved too. He lives three hours away from me in California. I'm in Studio City. He's in Marin Del Rey, so it's a good three, three and a half hours to get to each other. Hey, Brandon, when are you going to be back? He's like, I guess Thursday. Okay, I just want everyone to meet you. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

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42:43Ronnie Karam: So they're like, oh, my God, are you going to get along with everybody? So then we go to Zach and Zach is hanging out. Now talk about someone who was taken out of a box. Tom Schwartz is now on the show as well. This man looks pickled. He looks like he has been drinking for a week and not been able to pee. He looks like he's about to, I don't know, the booze is going to start. He's red-eyed. He doesn't look good. Tom doesn't look good. He looks sad and lost. I mean, I guess that's kind of his style, but I don't know.

43:17Ben Mandelker: This was another moment where I was like, this is sad. Yeah, he's joined this specific tier of people that you see in Los Angeles, especially at the Sunset Strip, lingering on the Sunset Strip. these like 40 plus men clutching on to what it was like when they were 23. And it's just, it's, it's sad. It's sad to see it, but here he is. And he is meeting up with Zach at like a saloon. It's like 95 degrees out. And they're in this like saloon type bar. It has saloon doors, which means that it's like open air, but it's 95 degrees. I would be like, please get me into a bar that has a door that closes.

43:58Ben Mandelker: and seals in the air conditioning. Thank you.

44:00Ronnie Karam: I'm telling you, the locations they choose to shoot in on this show are always so depressing. And they're like, where even is this? Like, where did you find this place? Yikes. So Zach's like, why are you so sweaty? He's like, wow, what's going on? Let me look at you. You're super lean. You look so swell. You got to reciprocate the compliment, though. Tell me, like, I look good and stuff. He's like, oh, yeah, you look good. Jeez, you look like a maraschino cherry. A maraschino cherry.

44:37Ben Mandelker: I'm not putting Tom Schwartz on top of any sundaes. I'll tell you that much. But he just looks red and pickled in some way.

44:44Ronnie Karam: So he's like, thanks. But I want to keep leveling up, right? Because when you're depressed, you put on weight. So I put on like a, you know, a pretty sad, a happy 15 pounds. Okay. You know, after the bar closed, it's like a happy 15, a happy depressed 15 pounds. It's a depression, happiness, weight gain.

45:06Ben Mandelker: But what is Tom, when he says, I want to level up a little more, when, when did the, a little more implies that there was an initial level up. I feel like, does he, I feel like he thinks he's an escalator, but he's just a moving platform. It is. There's no.

45:20Ronnie Karam: he's a sending happening he's a log raft um yeah i think he means like from from my tom schwartz math he meant the restaurant closed he gained 15 pounds but now he lost it again and so he wants

45:33Ben Mandelker: to keep like going and trying to get hotter i guess yeah so he tells us man my life kind of felt part at the seams like divorced hemorrhaging money and then we see a clip of katie basically you know saying like i'm divorcing him he's like i don't know how exactly it just cuts to katie and

45:53Ronnie Karam: she's like echo it's like an echo eye roll but you fucking loser it's like yeah i mean i don't really know how to articulate it but like i guess i guess i got my sparkle can i steal britney's line i got my sparkle back look at me sparkling he literally has not even enough personality to

46:16Ben Mandelker: come up with his own sentence to describe how he feels right now. He has to crib off of Brittany. He's like, I'm happy it happened on some level. I know it's fucked up because I lost a lot of money, but it just made me a better person. It gave me grit. It gave me chutzpah. It gave me so much strength. Ah, this bar stool hurts a little bit. Zach's like, I've known Tom since the day I moved to LA and he is one of the kindest, gentlest, most ineffective people I've ever met. and like you got stuck in like a really bad situation and now you're to the point where like you're ready to like thrive instead of just like survive right um are you quoting ashley darby no right thriving just surviving

47:02Ronnie Karam: that's exactly it because like oh yeah well i saw britney was in kabul she looks happy that's great he's like yeah you know what listen i'm glad she's happy but like i don't want to like i just worry because she's like so vulnerable right now she's like so vulnerable she's looking

47:19Ben Mandelker: for validation no i know she's been trapped in like a garage for like three weeks now okay but like you know he said i love you so fast it's like it's like moving so fast but like if you don't put in the work yourself to then see these red flags you're going to fall for them again tom's like, I think she should seriously consider doing a little master dating. Master dating is essentially just taking yourself out for a night on the town, sitting at the end of a bar, looking at the 22 year old girls, telling them that you're only 31, seeing what you can do to remind them you're up on TV. Then you take one home and, you know, master dating.

48:03Ronnie Karam: It's just basically walking into a food court and waiting until somebody recognizes you. Sporkle.

48:12Ben Mandelker: You guys just have to build yourself up in the field of Britney's dreams. If she builds it, he will come. And then she will come. Oh, I'm a comedian now.

48:22Ronnie Karam: And so we start talking about him and Benji, Zach and Benji. And he's like, yeah, you know what? Like Benji's still here, you know, and like we're still figuring out his visa, which is like a fucking nightmare.

48:35Ben Mandelker: and he's and he's like uh he's saying that they have an open relationship and he's like the thing is that like sex and love are like different and we're like far too often to make it like all like all sex and like about making baby bullshit like then why is your prostate in your butthole like jesus knew what he was doing when he put that up there and i think that somewhere in here uh zach is like yeah he's got his visa don't worry it's an official this this this visa so don't worry i'm like i don't think having an official visa has any bearing on what ice is gonna do i'm like the more he talks about the fact that benji is not a citizen of this country the more i am generally concerned that we're gonna have a very special episode of the valley we're like benji's not here anymore you know like doesn't really matter these days yeah or like talking

49:20Ronnie Karam: about open relationships you don't want to give them anything they can use against you to call it like a fake relationship and all that stuff you know yeah but i guess his visa isn't dependent on Zach, right? Because they're not married. They're not married, right?

49:32Ben Mandelker: I guarantee it's not.

49:34Ronnie Karam: No, they just had a Benji's here now party.

49:36Ben Mandelker: There's no way that Benji hung his visa on Zach. He's probably like, oh, no, I'm not basing my visa on you, Zach. Why would I ever do that on someone who keeps such a dirty floor?

49:49Ronnie Karam: Yeah. So then we go to Nia and Kristen grabbing lunch in another place that just feels like sticky tables. So Kristen's like, oh god we're like three blocks from home we might as well be in a foreign country like where even are we your infant era like it'll be fine you'll like i totally get it you know i imagine this is rough like right when you have the baby oh my gosh yeah the first time you have a baby going

50:14Ben Mandelker: it's just scary you're like it's your first baby you're you're worried that something's gonna happen to the child and whatever and she's self-conscious how she looks you know i am not gonna make fun of any of that but i do think it's funny that like she is so out of sorts when kristen is when she comes into this restaurant she's like she's like a 16 year old learning how to drive a car in a parking lot for the first time like that baby that baby carriage that stroller is like bonking into tables like oh where do i go huh what do i do how do i order what's happening how do i use the menu what what's a salad if i was that baby's uncle i would bring

50:48Ronnie Karam: that baby a crash helmet, like a cute little pink crash helmet. But yeah, I mean, the whole thing of just like having a baby and having to go out and having to learn to go through all that shit, especially when you're alone, you don't have like a partner to help you. I mean, my God, just driving up. Now you've got a bigger ass car and you've got to park that. And then you've got to pull the baby out the car and then you got to get it out of the seat, which is a pain in the butt because those seats are crazy now. There's like 90 buckles. It's like, how do I get the seat in? How do I get it out?

51:15Ronnie Karam: Where are the buckles? And then you got to get the baby out and then you got to figure out these new vote these new fucking stroller things like as big as a car and like hustle the baby in and out and then the baby's hungry and like my boobs are leaking i mean it's

51:27Ben Mandelker: just like hell it's hell it is hell and on top of that like kristen already inherently moves like one of those inflatable things in front of a used car lot like flopping around and now that she's actually affixed her hands to a stroller she's just putting all that energy into the stroller so the stroller just like wobbling back and forth like on a slippery wind wet sign so she's like We're three blocks from home, and we might as well be in a foreign country because that's how stressful this is. I mean, the first time I left house after giving birth, I went to a grocery store, and people weren't nice to me anymore because I wasn't pregnant.

51:59Ben Mandelker: No one held the door for me. No one was like, oh God, your belly's so cute. They just walked by me like I was some piece of shit. It was awful. I'm like, you mean how you used to wait the tables at, sir? You're not pretty. Oh, pregnancy privilege.

52:13Ronnie Karam: Oh God, I want it. I know. I want that. It does suck though. Everybody has to be nice to you for a while.

52:18Ben Mandelker: Like, oh my God. For a moment. You think it's actually your personality that's causing people to be nice to you. And then you realize, nope. The people had warm wishes for my baby.

52:27Ronnie Karam: So Nia's asking her about breastfeeding. And she's like, no, I had nothing left. Like, I was barely giving her a bottle a day. Like, I've been trying to pump twice a day, but like, it sucks. So, like, I've been at home wearing sweats and a bra. But I finally had to leave the house. And she's like, but have you even had a date, Noit? And she's like, no. She goes, oh my god, babe, you're like three months in. You gotta have a date night. Okay, we even do that in Sierra Bonita. I mean, Sunset, where are we again? Sierra Leone, where are we?

52:55Ben Mandelker: The names don't even make sense when you're as far away as we are. I know that you feel like you're in a foreign country because you're three blocks from your home, but I'm literally in a foreign country. Please save me.

53:10Ronnie Karam: Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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