#3396 The Valley S3E10 Part Two: Monsters and Critics

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0:38Ronnie Karam: And you realize you're not thinking about what you're buying, but how you're paying for it? I've actually been using Klarna for that because it gives you options. You can pay now, later, or over time depending on how you want to handle it. Sometimes I'll split something into a few payments so I don't have to deal with it all at once. And I like that. You know, I like that everything's super clear in the app. You always know what you owe and when, so there aren't weird surprises. And it's not just for huge purchases either. I've used it for everyday stuff. And you can even get cash back and deals in the Klarna app, which honestly feels like kind of a smarter way to handle spending day-to-day.

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1:59Watch What Crap It Check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap.

2:05Ronnie Karam: So now Kristen comes and she's like, oh, I don't want to move on. Where should I sit? So Brandon's like, I'll move. So he gets, he moves. So then he's like, well, listen, she goes, when are you coming next week? And he said, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I'll leave like Monday. She's like, I'll talk to you for Wednesday. He's like, well, we've talked about this like five times, Brittany. I'm coming up Friday morning. she's like what no that's not what you said you're not even gonna be here thursday now why is that because i got stuff to do i've got a whole bunch of nothing to take care of because the nothing date due date is due yeah i'm sure it's not a job i'm sure this man is dating britney so i can pretty much guarantee you it's not work he's going to it's his other it's his other family so he's she's like like what i thought you were helping me he's like i am he's like this is your first fight oh my god and so uh she's like well the doctor said the prescriptions are being ready did i have my id yeah he's like yeah it's like okay appreciate you the only thing that i've been saying all day is that if i had to get my pills because i only have one left and like i could not make it throughout the night you can't post me that shit trust me i've tried i did wonder why she waited until she had only one pill left that's what i'm saying i mean this guy's this guy's obviously a loser, but like, and then, then she goes, she says, and since he taken off work, which I can't believe I did this, but he asked if I could give him money.

3:30And I was like, you know what? You're going to come down and take care of me. So I don't, I don't care to give you some money. But then he kept delaying the days. He didn't even get the pain medication. He brought me, he bought me flowers, the money I gave him, the extra piling on.

3:40Ronnie Karam: I was like, oh God, this is where I was saying it gets worse for Brittany. So you needed someone to take care of you. And he said, sure if you pay me that's who you're dating because he's taking time off the applebee's girl yeah taking time off of work and then he actually winds up going to work anyway and then he's double dipping yeah and then getting you some trader joe's flowers that happened to match your shorts perfectly by the way what a douche yeah so um she's like christian's like yeah it's like the ips are piling on i'm gonna marry him you're like kind of like a douche like you're dating her here a couple days a week show up make her happy like red flags waving everywhere when you let him go bye i mean kristin you're correct kristin is absolutely correct here but she is married to a red flag she's married she is well not married but she she fucked a red flag behind the porta potty and uh then begged him to impregnate her i mean to be fair this entire show is like walking at the opening ceremony of the olympics with the chinese delegation.

4:39Red flags. Seriously. Non-stop. If I didn't know better,

4:44Ronnie Karam: I'd think this show was promoting communism. There's so many red flags around here. Good lord. So, Nia is like, so now Nia and Danny are on date night at a place called Wife and the Psalm. And so Nia's like, what a gross name for a restaurant. Wife and the Psalm. they probably have a whole shtick like well I'm the chef and he's the sommelier and we just sort of did this and it's all over from the table isn't that so near to pick a restaurant that starts with wife and the psalm like to be fair they probably thought it was wife and the psalm spelled P-S-A-L-M sounds like it matches us wife and the psalm in parenthesis the husband should read it to her because women aren't allowed to read parentheses.

5:37Ronnie Karam: So they've, of course, brought this baby. Listen, I think at some point you just babies need to just be left in their crib. I don't care if that baby is attached to your boob. Adelaide needs to just learn to do things on her own. Leave her an instruction manual and a couple of buttons to push for emergencies and get the fuck out of there. Yeah, I don't really, at this point, like, I understand Adelaide's lament, but I'm just... But a person can develop a cold. This child is giving me the sniffles. Get rid of that kid. Listen, I know she needs a bushel and a nip, but... Give it some Benadryl, put it to sleep, and get the fuck out of there.

6:14Ronnie Karam: Put it in a dog crate and just go out and do something. I did notice a lot of comments on different communities online about she hasn't been able to get the baby off the nip yet. That's kind of crazy. I am obviously not a mom. I know nothing about this. I don't even know what a breast is. but um so it's i i can't weigh in but it seems like a lot of i have to say a lot of people online are like what's going on here yeah i mean i don't know how that works latching and babies and this and that but it's like i said in the first episode a baby who will eat is a baby that's starving so just i said skip skip a couple lunches and we'll see if she lashes latches that's what people online have been saying honestly they've really they've been there there have been some people who said like yeah you know um i had a child that like would not take the bottle and it drove me nuts and my mom complained it was like what's wrong with you like how do you not have your baby on a bottle yet look i'll do it i'll do it and then she said her mom had the baby for like two days like okay i give up you're right so like obviously it's difficult but yeah i think it's notorious but But listen, take it from a giant baby who left his GLP ones in LA.

7:28Ronnie Karam: I will latch onto a tit at this point. I'm starving. I guess. I will eat. Okay. What's crazy is in this scene, like Nia puts the baby in Danny's baby Bjorn. And then he's standing up at the table and he's bouncing around. I just feel like I've never seen a couple like. I've seen a couple do this. I've seen couples do this with their first baby, but not their tenths. You know, at some point it's like, just lay there and go to bed. It's supposed to get easier, you know. For people who say we're being insensitive to the plate. We don't care. Yeah. So, no. No. We kind of are. Obviously, we care on like a human level.

8:11Like if we were hanging out and you were telling us like, oh, my God, like I can't get my baby on the bottle. I'd be like. Yeah, I wouldn't say that to you. We'd be like, oh, my God, that's terrible. Why have you tried this? I would be present and I would actually be fully there. But like watching it on TV, it's like actually much less interesting to me.

8:27Ronnie Karam: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't, I'm not dissing her. I'm just saying like at some point, like when does this, when do, when do you just tell the baby, take my tit or get nothing? You know, that's it. Take my tit or get nothing. Yeah. I'm leaving you home with a fair life. Yeah. I think it's more like take the bottle or get nothing. The baby is like, yes. Oh yeah. Take the bottle. Well, no, it won't latch. Yeah, you're right. But it won't always latch either. But you're right. It won't latch to the bottle, but sometimes it won't latch to her boobies. I don't know. It's a whole thing. I fucking hate this show making me talk about tit latching for an hour.

9:01I've got to say this baby is becoming very high maintenance.

9:04Ronnie Karam: It is. But I will say this for the baby. That is one cute baby. Adelaide, you are adorable. What a little sweet baby. You're a cute little baby. I'm sorry your parents are so annoying. Yeah. So they get there and Nia's like, Daniel, I would love for you to wear her. And he's like, and he does not want to do this. But at this point, he's aware that he was not great on the cast trip. So he's like clenching his teeth and he's like, sure, sure. He's doing this whole scene. He's doing the best daddy and husband in the world scene. He's like, hey, look at us. Wife in the song. Am I right? Oh, yes. I'm a daddy.

9:43Ronnie Karam: I love babies. strapping on. Oh, I love nothing more than being with my baby and my wife. Oh, I'm a good daddy. Want to have another one? Want to have another one? Yeah, but he is clearly not feeling this. And then Adelaide spits up on him, which, you know, good for Adelaide. Good for you. Adelaide's like, well, as long as I am being brought to the restaurant, let me do some good work. Yeah. Let me speak for America right now. Yeah. And then he then Danny's like grossed out. And he goes, Adelaide spits up. And then, you know, Nia's like, oh, no, like she spit up. Let me clean her. Okay, bounce her.

10:16And then Danny's like, it's all over the chair, Nia. Well, wipe it up. You're the adult. Come on now. Wipe it up.

10:25Ronnie Karam: So the producer asked, what's grosser, poop or throw up? And he's like, throw up. I got a whiff of throw up and immediately I want to throw up. It's because you're drunk. So Nia's like, well, some people don't like the baby stage, but I could cry about thinking it over and never having another baby ever again. And I think that's part of this too, is Nia really, I think, yeah, I think that that is a real thing, you know, where people worry about like, what am I going to do without a baby? She's had a baby every year for how many years or every couple of years for so many years. That's a huge thing to think about.

10:58Ronnie Karam: And I think she's just like, I'm going to keep this baby with me. I don't care. I'm going to keep this baby. I'll go swimming in the ocean. This baby will be strapped to my back. Yeah. Listen, I, I remember Dee Dee Blanchard, you know? remember was she on He-Man no wasn't she the one remember Gypsy Rose Blanchard yeah was that the mom she's like Adelaide's in a wheelchair today everybody she's having trouble breathing she's allergic to formula wait a minute why are you putting a respirator on Adelaide she needs it now we're really going to get in trouble comparing me to Dee Dee Blanchard my fault sorry the very beginning Yolanda is going to show up how dare you accuse me of having Munchausen by proxies no I'm going to get a fiery email Ben I have listened to the show for so many years how dare you a baby not taking to the bottle is a real thing it's a real pressure and it's very stressful oh we're just kidding don't be a baby so yeah Neo's sad and Danny just makes a face like not missing the baby face and say, but you're getting a vasectomy in a week.

12:11Ronnie Karam: And he's like, so you're telling me there's another chance? I got a chance. You're saying there's a chance, right? Settle down, Dumb and Dumber. Four under four. How about one more? Yeah. In this case, he was actually talking about a cocktail. Sorry. Now we go to Zach and Jasmine. They meet Jesse at the 4100 Bar. Geez, I've not been there in like 20 years. Remember the 4100 Bar? Yes, of course. What's wrong with that? What's up? You've never been to the 4100? Of course, 4100. Of course, of course. Your aunt Estelle and I would go to all this. I know. I didn't know it was a place that people still went to.

12:54Ronnie Karam: I didn't know it was still there. I didn't either. But how would I really? We're not 4100 Bargays, apparently. Yeah, we're definitely not. So they go in. Jesse's like, we're not in Kansas anymore. she's like i know thank you for coming all this way zach's like oh my god is this like your silver leg outfit so then zach's like i am like so stressed like today was like terrible my roommate basically fought me and i was like you're gonna be like you told me you were gonna move out by october 1st and now it's like october 2nd and he starts like taking like everything and like all of a sudden i'm like wait no that's mine like what are you doing so then we get this huge fight in front of like his movers and i finally was just like okay this is never gonna end and i was just It's like, fuck it, I'm done.

13:35Get it all out. Zach, when are you going to publicly shame your roommate? Like, put that photo on social media. Let's see what this person is. Say his name. And also get a stun gun.

13:46Ronnie Karam: Someone shouldn't just be able to come take all your shit. Some roommate can't just take all your shit. I mean, I've had so many roommates. I would never. This is like a Judge Judy situation. And I would love to see Zach on Judge Judy. That would be wonderful. so Jesse's like okay well you're all caviar and champagne let's talk about the housewarming party he's like oh my god like now I just have foldable chairs for my house so I'm sure let's be honest it probably wasn't that much of an improvement yeah yeah so he's like well that much of a downgrade I should say so my roommate is finally moving out and like Benji is soft moving in so like now we have like an apartment warming party but it won't be that warm because there's like no furniture and blankets or any other things like I hope you all I'm prepared.

14:29Ronnie Karam: Yeah, so Jasmine has just seen a post on social where Kristen put something up that's like, oh my God, Luke and I have learned so much from watching Nia and Danny. Yeah, you've learned to fucking fake it for the cameras, congratulations. She's like, it's such a, and she's like, I mean, it's a sweet post, it's not bad, but like, why is she going so hard? She's going so hard because people accused her of, or didn't accuse her, but said that she had to talk to Nia about that relationship being toxic, And so Kristen's proving her loyalty by going online and publicly being like, oh, my God, they're an amazing couple, couple skulls.

15:03But also like Kristen's the sort of person that like establishes a narrative in her brain and then the narrative just becomes truth to her and then she doesn't waver from it. So like she decided last season when she heard of Nia's tough childhood, she's like, that's someone who's been through a lot and I'm never going to betray her because I'm a good person. And now she's like, oh, well, I can't do anything against me. I can't think critically about Nia because I made this pact with myself that I'll never do that.

15:32Ronnie Karam: I can see that, but I can also see Lala's point of you're just, this is an alliance and she's going to go. Because Kristen also knows what it's like to do horrible things and get canceled or whatever, like have the audience completely turn against you and then have everyone around you also be like, well, fuck that, you're trash now. And she doesn't want to do that because she also needs people to stick around for her for the next time she's canceled. which will probably happen again, let's face it. And actually, in a very real way, they also were pregnant together at almost the exact same timeline.

16:06I think they actually have a very true, real bond because of that. And I feel like Kristen feels very connected to Nia because that experience was very scary for Kristen and it was very fraught and she worked so hard. And Nia did help her through that and guide her. So I think that Kristen just feels massively indebted to Nia. I can really hear that.

16:26Ronnie Karam: Listen to the sound. Would you like some lovely Saratoga water binge? Wow, you should dunk your face in it like that guy. Ashen Hall. Oh, yeah, I'll just do it. Are you sure? Yeah. It was a long pour for sure. I wasn't even going to pour this right now. What a lovely, refreshing moment we're taking. Yeah, this is just beautiful. Saratoga. Saratoga Still. Wow, sponsor of Top Chef. Yeah. Saratoga Still, or as Gail calls it. Do you have icing? As Gail calls it, Sarah Everyday Outfit Toga.

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17:24Ronnie Karam: okay so she's like why is christian going for why is she like going you know why is she standing up for them so hard and zach says you know christian's always gonna write hard for the people that she loves and that's the thing about christian okay and she and jesse's like look can we just put this to bed about danny i mean god he wants to get fucked up on oh what who cares he wants to have a drink who care why are we gonna villainize danny well of course the head of the piece of shit husband department you know the club is going to come forward to stand up for danny the guy the guy not shocked like a men's men's health it was not men's health it was like the men's spiritual journey guide is of course yeah it's of course the guy wagons around yeah the guy who considers therapy taking ayahuasca with a fucking you know manosphere bro in a forest for a weekend.

18:14Ronnie Karam: Yeah, exactly. Soccer. Ayahuasca can't deal with this. So, anyway. Ayahuasca. Yeah, he is. That's good, too. I like that. Let's dad joke it up together. As someone wearing J.Crew today, I approve of that wasp. God, that looks so expensive. It was... You might as well be wearing a fridge. This is my monster fridge. This is my monster fridge. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. This episode is sponsored by Klarna. You know when you buy something practical like groceries, plane tickets, or honestly, I just did a whole, I need a new summer clothes because apparently none of last year's clothes survived my emotional support snacking era situation.

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21:37So Jasmine says, she's like, I just want my friendship with Kristen and Zach. And when I watched them have this like conversation at the Crab Boy or whatever with Lala, it just made me feel like, why are they like so like receiving of her triggers, but my triggers get overlooked by Janet and stuff. And like me and Kristen like talked for hours and we're good, but like you never once in front of everybody have my back on this, Zach. He's like, what? I'm going through monster refrigerator withdrawal. You're going to do this to me right now?

22:03Ronnie Karam: Yeah. And she's like, why didn't you stick up for me? You know? And he's like, but I agreed with you. And she's like, then why did you raise your hand at the reunion? Because I had people come to me that were like, that sucks. Like your best friend raised his hand and Michelle and Brittany didn't. And we see that she's talking about when Andy said, by a show of hands, who thinks that Janet was being reckless and using that term? And Zach had raised his hand. and janet did not appreciate that because it's sort of jasmine i'm sorry jasmine did not because it sort of is saying like the implication is kind of like also that jasmine may have overblown it so jasmine's like i didn't even think about it that way but i'm just like it's like okay so i was right and they were wrong she's like no yes but like you raise your hand even in general like you should not raise your hand at all like you're my best friend you should be neutral okay raise your hand only to your shoulder but no no higher than that he's like but uh she goes because you should be neutral because how does that read and he's like how does it read it reads like you're a victim of janet and you're also a victim of danny that's what i meant and uh she's like well you have this conversation with danny and tell him how you feel and not make luke do it like you don't want to touch it like you said you know sometimes you're scared to say how you feel about danny so basically she's like if you want to make things right with me you've got to confront danny you've got to do a danny scene now because i already did it last year and he's like fine i'll do it i'll do it fine no problem okay i'll do it great thanks first i lose my monster fridge now i gotta talk to this stupid idiot i'll do it why everyone just take advantage of zach so then uh we go to britney's and jasmine comes over to check on her and they're talking about her boobies are so small now and the engagement party and britney's like you won't see the inspiration board look it's but more i got it off the internet she's like uh it's just a sack ranch ranch oh it says is this a sack of potatoes like oh yeah you're this is just a sack of your lipo fat oh sorry sorry it's my full balls so jasmine's like well you've been wanting to do this for so long like this is good for you but everything is good and like we need to talk about this at good party okay so yeah it looks good your flower wall is beautiful and i am just like so thankful for britney and the fact that she's stepping up, you know, because like the last few months in this group, a lot of people have been showing like side them that I didn't really feel supported.

24:20I'm just like thankful to have a friend like her in my life. I was like, what? Where did this come from? Brittany being the one that Jasmine's like, I love her.

24:27Ronnie Karam: Yeah. So then Jasmine goes to put some stuff in the mini fridge for Brittany and then she finds a white claw in the bathroom. And she's like, you know, you have a white claw in your bathroom? And she's like, in the gym? And she's like, what is a white claw doing in the gym? She's like, oh, well, I don't drink white claws. so i don't know where that come from the only people that have been here i mean zach was here and then danny and me at the pool party we're having a conversation in here but why would it be in the gym you don't think it was danny hiding in the gym slamming a white cloth hmm so they show a clip from two weeks ago which by the way the fact that this white cloth was in there for two weeks and britney never saw it is hilarious to me yikes but also weird but they show a clip of like it's just like a general shot of people like chatting and then Danny walks by in the background and the priest is like Danny White Claw

25:23Ronnie Karam: yikes and she's like go ahead chug you White Claw I don't care like have fun but I do have a lot of sympathy for me in this situation because I was lied to all the time about things that didn't matter and no one understands what she's going through more than I do and Brittany's like yeah people are like word is about the hiding and she's like yeah i just feel bad that he has to like lie it's like very interesting i guess we'll never know unless you have like cameras you know making a joke about jacks and his cameras so now um then we see this flashback and then we see we go out to a trio of uh i like to call them the brain trust of the show it's jesse tom and danny and they go out to a bar and i still don't know what tom's doing on the show like i don't know how he's a full-time cast member but he's like oh dude this bottle's for you brother for you and michelle here you go so he gives some bubbly to jesse um as congratulations for divorce papers jesse's like how was your flight down from santa clarita danny goes what do you mean oh my goodness so he's like i have a voiceover job in the morning so you know gotta keep it loose and clean loose and clean so one drink minimum in other words It's like, yeah, probably.

26:36Ronnie Karam: So Michelle signed the paperwork. Let's celebrate. Yeah, and now they've just got to wait for it. And so now Danny's like, hey, let's talk about Kiana. Oh, gosh. Kiana's like fucking amazing. She's really great. Have you ever seen someone wear sunglasses at the tip of their nose? Wow, she can do it all.

26:58Ronnie Karam: So you only met her six months ago when you were dating Lala before you dated Michelle. and he's like, dude, I never dated Michelle. I'm just a little boy. I can't even date anybody. What do you guys think about Lala anyway? I know you've been friends with her for a long time, Schwartz, but like, Danny, you probably don't know her for a while. Nah, I don't know her at all. She knows her some triggered girl that had the audacity to say something to her man once. She's my favorite Muppet, Miss Triggy. Danny's like, my thing in that San Diego incident, you know. Jesse's like, listen, I've been bombarded with questions with Danny drunk was Danny drunk.

27:33Ronnie Karam: And he's like, the whole thing was just so blown out of proportion. Oh, really? As you were storming out of there saying, take off your mic, Mia. Take off your fucking mic. Throwing shit around. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So Jesse was like, he's like, yeah, I was saying the other night I was with Jasmine and Zach and they brought up your drinking. And I'm like, we're talking about this again. It's like Danny, the drinker all last summer. You know, I'm always going to go to bat for Danny and Mia because I think we all kind of look up to their relationship because they have said that they have the best relationship.

28:05So, yeah, I don't think that's fair. I mean, we all drink. Some people drink too much, and they just start crying, and they're emotional. Some people just sit back and do nothing, like this guy, me. But, like, all we know is that what we're in for with Danny, he goes to the dark side, but mostly it's light.

28:21Ronnie Karam: Well, it wasn't, and that's the problem. Yeah. So, Jesse's like, yeah, I hate being approached with these. Oh, no, Jesse's saying, I hate being approached with these fucking conversations like, was Danny drinking? Who cares? So I'm like, yeah, you know, like, I think maybe it's being exasperated because you're, like, hiding it. And, like, I've known, you know, I've drank with you enough to know that you don't have a drinking problem. You know, it's normal to drink where people are less likely to find your drinks, like in a home gym. But he was hiding his drinking in Santa Barbara. And that was before the quote unquote stigma or whatever.

28:55Ronnie Karam: He's always hiding his drinking because his wife doesn't want him to drink. So he's like, and you see it all the time. I mean, I do see it with people. You know, it's like, oh, the wife's here. Don't tell her I had this shot or whatever. But he does this all the time. And he's doing it on camera anyway. Like, does he just think everyone's an idiot? I mean, we are watching the Valley, so he does have a point. But also, like, this is why it's, like, concerning. Because it's not like, okay, let's, I don't want someone to see them drinking because she doesn't want me to drink, but I'm going to have a drink.

29:25it's like you need this drink so badly that even though there's cameras everywhere you think you can still like sneak it in and no one's going to notice but like you you just you can't even get

29:34Ronnie Karam: through this moment right now like well but that's my i guess that's my question is he thinking he's hiding it from us or is he just trying to hide it from nia because in this episode he's lying and saying oh there's water in here but i'm is he just trying to do that so nia won't get on him because obviously he knows the cameras are getting him we've seen these camera crews they're not subtle it's not like big brother where there's just a little camera hidden in the corner and you forget it's there it's like a huge guy standing there with a giant camera i think i think he thinks that go the cameras aren't aiming at me so i can just do this i i honestly i don't know i don't know what it is but now he's saying like well i have ptsd from last summer so that's why you know i want to let loose so like yeah i do sneak them i do hide them but it's only because of other people because they're so judgy i'm like they're being judgy because you hide that you hide it.

30:23And you've been hiding your dreams before

30:24Ronnie Karam: they were being judgy about it. Yeah. And so Jesse's like, but you shouldn't have to hide it. And he's like, well, I know I shouldn't have to. He's like, well, you don't have to with us, but these people calling you out, I mean, it's bullshit. And he's like, last summer was one of the worst summers of my life. Well, hold tight. I know. I was like, you just wait, sir. Yeah. You just wait. So... And he says, it's been admitted over and over that people got together and said they want to put a target on Danny's back. Poor little Danny. Well, unless they got into you and make you talk that way to the women around you, then you really have nothing, sir.

31:03Ronnie Karam: So, Jesse's like, yeah, Jack said that, but you know who else went along with it? Brittany. Let's get Brittany. Yeah, this suddenly becomes, we go to that, and Jesse's like, yeah, my situation with Brittany is that she was very mean, and she was part of the Mean Girl group with regards to Lacey, so stop bullying people and then hiding behind someone else so that nobody confronts you. I'm like, isn't that you with Jax? Isn't that what you did? He's just mad because Brittany's friends with Michelle Wally. So Jesse is like, yeah, I say let's go after the people who have no accountability because you do.

31:35Brittany is skating, skirting along. So he's basically like, we're watching him produce the rest of the season now. I know. It's like watching

31:43Ronnie Karam: one of those calls that the housewives accuse each other of making before the reunion. You guys got to the reunion and you decided to come for me and he's doing that but on camera. it's like it should be about where we're supposed to be just watching you guys as suburbanites and like you know growing up and trying to start families or go through these things it's not we're not supposed to be actually seeing you plot out how you're going to run the rest of the season yeah and this one really doesn't as far and we can see britney's fingerprints all over everything too she is another jacks yeah we know we've all we've seen that for years as britney does do that shit and produce it and kind of pit people against each other and try and look like the victim and all of this but how is she doing that in this situation danny is only in trouble for what danny did like there's no one who made danny do what yeah so this is on camera um so speaking of britney we now go to her going to the uh but tom this is also i'm sorry to interrupt you but because tom is like uh jesse goes you better not say anything tom and tom goes i'm a rock and then it cuts to tom talking to us and he's like britney doesn't have a mean bone in her body i was like of course you're like i'm with you guys and immediately like i'm gonna tell britney well i wish he also said this to jesse because he says you know anytime like britney was um like talking like egging on something with jacks it was mainly because if he was jacks is mad at danny jacks is not giving britney shit in that moment and it's just sort of like basically survival and i think that there's actually probably some truth to that and like wait what you're saying if britney was egging on something with who what tom says is you know you pick and choose your battles when you're in a tumultuous relationship and i think what it boils down to is that if jacks is attacking danny he's not attacking her he's kind of saying like she was fine with jacks attacking danny because it's kind of survival it kept him off you know and i'm like you why don't you say that to jesse you know and this is it's just classic tom yes that's how tom rolls he's a wuss so then we go to britney um at beverly hills plastic surgery and she's brought janet along janet's like can you do anything about knees?

33:50Ronnie Karam: So they're checking on all her stuff and everything's looking good. And they show her her body and she takes off her garb or whatever. Brittany really puts anything on that camera. I will say this for Brittany. Brittany could have diarrhea and be like, come into the bathroom with me. Let's get it. Let's get it all, you guys. I mean, she really puts it all out there. And, you know, reality stars are always saying that, like, we give you everything. I give you everything. I don't need you to. Some things I need you to keep to yourself. I know we all poop. Keep it to yourself. Like Jax used to poop on camera.

34:21Ronnie Karam: Why? I don't need that. I'm glad for your surgery. Don't need to see your pus, Sax. I don't need any of this. So she's crying in front of the mirror. She looks at herself, which I get it. I was like, Dr. Daniel Porg, give me your number. So then we go to Zach's housewarming party, which is a frat. It's like all of our early 20s parties. It was actually very reminiscent of current Vanderpump rules, which I did enjoy. It was just a bunch of chairs. And old Vanderpump rules, you know? This is how they lived. Yeah, exactly. And it did really remind me of my youth. And in fact, I think I clocked when they showed an exterior shot where you could see the street from the apartment.

35:04And I was like, I think I know where that is. And I think I used to live right around the corner from that. And I got very nostalgic. So Zach was like, yeah, I think it actually looks pretty decent in here. Yeah, because there's nothing in there. There's nothing to look out of place. It's so big. There's nothing to look out of place because everything is out of your place. Yeah, exactly.

35:23Ronnie Karam: So, Zach's like, Benji and I have vastly different styles when it comes to decorating. He's like, oh, this piece was sourced from New Mexico under the Pueblos. Blah, blah, blah. My style is like monster fridge. Very brand oriented, he says. Again, I encourage him to become a standards gig. if you're gonna do brands let's let's up it um so exactly i invited everybody but like obviously britney is not gonna come and then janet texted me earlier which is probably like for the boss and benji's like yeah it'll be more fun so people start showing up and michelle's there it's like oh what a nice house you have here the producer's like so michelle when was the last time you uh drank from a red solo cup.

36:09I don't drink out of red solo cups. I don't have that sort of functionality, unfortunately.

36:18Ronnie Karam: Wow. I brought some wine. I don't have a wine opener. It's like, wow, I guess I will buy you a wine opener. This is really a janky party. I'm trying to be less robotic. Okay, I will break it. Hand me the bottle.

36:36there you go do you remember put your finger in it you remember when joe fos and i did you ever come to one of our house parties oh yeah yeah yeah it was just so funny it was like a it was

36:47Ronnie Karam: like a giant bong on the table it was like that and you guys would like make scorpion bowls scorpion bowls the big bowl we just had so much booze it was just i mean music would be playing so much booze and the girls would come over and be like do you guys have any like food like no we just have like beer and bowls or whatever and like no snacks they'd be like no like not like maybe there's like one bag of chips and like you don't have you didn't put out like any hors d 'oeuvres and so watching this party and watching michelle walking into this party i'm like oh takes me back to being 26 yeah and throwing these parties those were fun i'll tell you one thing those were great parties yeah great great parties so uh she's disgusted as she should be and um Michelle's like, I will get you a wine opener.

37:33Ronnie Karam: And Benji goes, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. He goes, it's not embarrassing, it's my life. Two can be the same thing. They're not mutually exclusive. Yeah, exactly. So here comes Lala's, the fun's here. I'm just kidding, the fun's already here, guys. They all come in. It was actually really kind of endearing because you have all these kind of like faux bougie people coming in. And we have spent so much time in their duplicative houses like the the modern farmhouse you walk in living room here kitchen over here dining room whatever the whole thing there are all these identical houses and to see all these people who who now having to come back to like a little two-bedroom apartment in west hollywood with nothing but chairs and like the dust outline of where monster fridge used to be it was really fun for me to see this well zach actually would fit in on vanderpump rules yeah if he got a job there or pretended to for a couple months.

38:30Ronnie Karam: So Lala's like, wow, I feel right at home. I mean, this looks just like an AA meeting. Just what you want to hear about your party. And it's going to be, it will be the future AA meeting. It'll be the same people in there. Just give it a few years. Lala goes, Zach's apartment looks like he just got robbed, but like he was having a party, so he had to put it together and quickly and find some furniture outside of the curb. It's true. He did kind of just get robbed. And guess who comes in? Kiana's here, guys. Pull down your sunglasses right to your nose, because it's Kiana. Kiana, a model has arrived.

39:03It's outrageous. She is here. She doesn't have the sunglasses, but she has sunglass energy going on. She's got her chin down. She's looking at you like, hey, it's Kiana. Oh my God. You are so stunning. This is crazy. You're like a five-star bitch. Okay, good for you. Good for you. Yeah, because Kiana's like, am I? She's like, don't ever ask that question.

39:24Ronnie Karam: You're like so hot. yeah so kiana's like should i be protective because like i mean i don't know are you guys dating because like i saw it on social like oh my god uh lala and tom schwarzman dating everybody everybody thinks they're dating because nobody ever thought you were dating yeah well you posted that they did post that that picture that made us all like what the fuck with lala yes but i don't think anybody believed i think everybody was just like thirsty yeah no like trying it i mean obviously no one here in this room believed it whatsoever and did not like text it to anyone to say like oh my god is this real that definitely did not happen between between the two of us and neither of us did that had that reaction whatsoever yeah yeah we knew better yeah i never i never did anything like that um so lala meanwhile lala has something to say i can we knew it was fake because Schwartz is broke.

40:19Ronnie Karam: Lala is not going to date a Brokey. No, she won't. Come on. No, she won't. Maybe the Don is still around. So Lala is like, guys, I can only eat... What was the name LaDawn? I think it was the Don. You gotta look it up. Nope. I do not care. I'll look it up. No. I remember he soaked her bed. He soaked her bed. That's all I remember. Well, guess what? I can only eat a cookie when I'm fucked up. And I've only hooked up with chicks when I've been a little bit wasted. And Jesse's like, whoa, sorry if I butted into that. Oh, the seating arrangements aren't great here, right, guys? You're literally sitting in the circle.

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42:58Ronnie Karam: And it's not just for huge purchases either. I've used it for everyday stuff. And you can even get cash back and deals in the Klarna app, which honestly feels like kind of a smarter way to handle spending day-to-day. Less pressure, more flexibility. Download the Klarna app today or visit Klarna.com to learn more. California resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California financing law license and MLS number 1353190. Klarna balance account required to be eligible for cashback points, limitations, terms, and conditions apply. so then uh the couples arrived danny nia kristen luke and uh and kristen's like wait a minute where'd that tv go i gave that to that tv that motherfucker i even told the team took the tv i would be mad and by the way it is confirmed it is don or the don yeah yeah so oh it's the don the don well i guess it depends on what neighborhood you're from yeah well yeah Little Italy, it would be La Don.

43:56Or France, La Don. Mexico, El Don. If you were in Switzerland, it might be Das Don.

44:09Ronnie Karam: If you were in the Karim house when I was younger, it would have been Rondon. Because my name was Rondon Dooley. Yeah. Because I was always touching my wiener. And Don Dooley is like little wiener. And so they used to call me Rondon Dooley. I think we've pretty much covered all the languages on the planet so

44:29it's in your duly lingo did you hear Ronnie by the way did you hear Jesse signed the settlement he signed the settlement

44:40Ronnie Karam: and Lacey's like now you can join our cult we have a divorce cult you're honorary in our divorce cult ha ha ha ha Michelle goes, I have never been in a cult. I was like, it's... Really? You talk like you are still in one. My OS has been used for cult programming, but I myself have never been in one. And so Lacey goes, it's not a real cult. She's like, yeah, I'm kidding. Maybe you might join a humor cult. Lala's like, it's wild to me that people will go through divorce and still believe in love after. because I believe in love and Lacey's like, I believe in love but I don't believe in marriage.

45:26Love and marriage. Love and marriage. Go together like a horse and carriage. I don't get it. So Michelle says, Lacey, you've tried to break up with Jesse 100 times and he's not letting you go because you have that money.

45:41Ronnie Karam: That's right and that's why she doesn't believe in marriage. She's like, I'm not giving this to this man or letting him move in so he can claim he can try and claim it later. might be a good reason to also not believe in love so lacy but you know what this cast does believe in that i really appreciate dominoes they really love their dominoes or at least zach does because that we did too that was at britney's party a couple weeks ago and i was like dominoes who does that like for a party forever remember i was like we need to get fancier pizza for our friends but then he does it zach makes more sense and at least he buys 20.

46:12yeah well who does who would get a whole bunch of dominoes for their parties for their friends we would if dominoes cared to sponsor us thank you very much dominoes just speak to our lovely friends here at a cast i've been talking

46:24Ronnie Karam: about dominoes on this show for years well we just need that first domino to fall for the chain reaction so get on this podcast and sponsor us dominoes box behind our heads well i will wear it on my head call saratoga springs and ask them how it's working out for them okay you guys are Oh, delicious. Gosh. You know what goes great with the Domino's pizza? Saratoga Springs water. Although it's actually just called Saratoga. Fuck Saratoga Springs. Ring, ring, you're fired. We don't really have a Saratoga. Don't blow into that. I'm going to drink from there. I don't want your... Whatever it is you might be carrying around.

47:01Ronnie Karam: God knows what you've been doing in this city. Well, I guess you won't be drinking from it anymore. I guess I won't. Get Brittany in here. Brittany, I'm going to need some more Saratoga. As my grandma Sally would say, don't be so delicate. Oh, Brittany just fell down the stairs. You should have known. Your name's Brittany. Saw that one coming. So now... No, I wasn't blowing into that. I just happened to be doing a Shadon Bador impersonation, and a bottle was below me, so it made a noise. You were playing your recorder, your Phaedra recorder. So Lacey's like, I do not ever want to be married. I don't ever want to be married again.

47:38Ronnie Karam: And Lala's like, I don't play Psyus. And it was embarrassing because I had such a big wedding. And Lala's like, oh, my God. Yeah, right. Embarrassing. All that money. And she's like, I don't care about money. Money flows. I would have spent it on something else. But you know what? He was telling me about your wedding. And I was like, wow, that's a lot. You guys had a lot at your wedding. And Lala's like, they're weddings? She's like, yeah. Michelle's like, why is he talking about my wedding?

48:08and I would have a station where they could bedazzle their own cowboy hats and hers could say something cheesy like divorcee or something like that. Divorced AF. Well, she's talking about a divorce party, by the way. Yeah. She offered to have a divorce party. And she's basically saying that you could ride the boat. I'm like, Lacey, I thought you were doing better this season than I would have ever expected you to do, but this has ruined it all. Yeah. This has ruined it all. this vision for your divorce party yeah please know this is the monster fridge for divorce parties you're gonna do the most basic thing in the world go to the saddle ranch and do dazzle hats that say

48:43Ronnie Karam: things like divorce af and also in la at the divorce party that's where the divorced husbands go hang out to get like younger pussy say so it's not a good place for a woman to have a divorce just go to javier's and have yourself a night yeah um so meanwhile lala doesn't like this She's like, what the fuck is this girl asking Michelle about her marriage for? I don't think that's appropriate. You're coming for Michelle's wedding? You better back off, bitch. This is when I would lose it. I think she's just trying to bond with you guys. She's stuck on folding chairs with two people who hate her gut.

49:18Ronnie Karam: She's trying to girl chat with you. I don't think she was like, wow, your wedding sounded like a fucking monster, Michelle. She's like, wow, your wedding sounded like it was a lot cheaper. yeah um so oh but i need we need to check in with our producer ed edy is um from a younger generation and uh doesn't really watch bravo has this made you now start to want to watch bravo um i at least want to watch you guys oh in case you didn't hear that she says i at least want to watch you guys talk about bravo so so far the answer is that now he has failed to convert yet another youngin she's here for the britney torture jokes you make it sound like a cast of Muppets it's really great they are they are they are they are a cast of Muppets they are um so Zach uh is like guys guys gather around okay there's so much I want to like there's so much going on tonight like you know what I mean I just feel like I oh it's oh sorry I want to give a tearful speech about my friendships in LA because I live in LA and I would just like by the way I'm not moving and I have not moved into a new apartment but I'm celebrating like I just accomplished something so I'm gonna cry and I just want to thank Kristen my first original monster fridge yeah and also i want to also thank um britney and i would have thanked jason but she's making me have a conversation with daniel a bit later sorry this was zach from the future because this conversation happens like a little bit later i jumped the gun a little bit instead i'm gonna talk to melissa and i'm gonna say oh my god i feel like i owe it to danny to talk to him tonight sorry i just know it was such a long line i thought it was this me too that's why i uh that's why i said he gathered everyone around he literally gathered no one around just melissa And he basically was like, okay, I have to talk to Danny.

50:54So meanwhile, in the other room, speaking of Danny, Danny's like, hey, everyone, I'm looking for one of those ice drinks. Can I get an ice drink? I've just been drinking water all night long. Water, water. Good old Danny just going to that water bottle, just drinking some water bottle. But I think I'm going to change up and have an ice drink.

51:11Ronnie Karam: And there's a big container of like 36 things called ice, which I've never seen. But odd time for this branding. and of course it would be on this show. And of course it would be Danny who's like, well, let's see what's going on with that ash. Just want to make sure I support ash on camera. So he goes for one of these drinks in ice, but there's cameras in this tiny little galley kitchen and he goes in there and pours booze into it, like whiskey or some shit. He basically, he pours like beer or something into his solo cup and he does it really quickly and he looks up and he sees the camera and then he like puts it down really quickly.

51:44It's like very much like Brian on Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Like get the camera when his mistress calls. so then zach's like danny can i like really grab you i can really smell that water on your breath

51:54Ronnie Karam: yeah just pure water he's like do you have a drink what are you drinking he's like water just water just drink lots of water water wow hydration water lots of water he's like okay well okay all right now that we're he like brings brings danny into this like empty room he's like what's about to happen in here it's like oh well i feel like as ball bros and as someone who i love and respect and you know i do because i'm putting my hand full out full extension i'm putting my I'm tilting my chin down. Hyper-extended. My chin is down. My hand is all the way out. It's on your shoulders. I really... You know.

52:27You know. The chin is down onto my chest. The hand is out. As someone who I really respect, this is not a drinking thing. Just in general, there's like a... You know, there's just like a frat boy mentality. Like an alpha mentality. And it's not bad. It's not bad. But I don't think it translates to certain people. By certain people, I mean everyone else. So, just letting you know. Okay?

52:48Ronnie Karam: Well, you know, I have a big personality, just like you have a big personality. Yeah, thank you. And I want to make you aware of this. Yes. Well, I've already apologized, though. I'm on your side. I'm on your side. Okay. And I'm sort of actually all around you because you're very small. But, like, tonight, you're not drinking, right, as confirmed by the orange? Water. All night long. Call the police. Call the ice police. Listen, I love you so much. And I just think you just have to, like, think about how things land for other people. I love you, too. I love this conversation. This conversation is going great.

53:24Ronnie Karam: Can't wait to call you the F word in the car on the way. Knock, knock. I'm looking for Daniel. Of course. Here comes Nia. She sees somebody taking Danny to another room with cameras. So put on your fucking cape. Here comes Nia. Oh, I wanted to put on a pioneer dress instead. Daniel, are you in here? I'm wearing a bonnet. That's my version of the cape. sorry we have to get back up to santa clarita because i have to spin some wool um so zach is like uh he's like um i think danny should be able to do whatever he wants but if him drinking water tonight shuts everyone up then so be it that that would be great unfortunately he's not drinking water tonight he is not drinking water tonight okay everyone i'm gathering everyone around but since you already heard my speech already blah blah blah blah blah i'm crying i made it this long i love my friends i thought it was hilarious he's giving you a tyrannical speech you didn't do anything what did you accomplish you got your tv stolen off your wall and your monster drink fridge taken he's like what are you what are you crying about like you just won a fucking award kristen i'm gonna pay you back tonight here you go twelve hundred dollars so weird she's like oh i gave you twelve hundred not two thousand geez or twelve thousand like relax Oh, God.

54:39Stupid. Oh, wow. It's the end of the show. Who doesn't know? Is it? Yeah. Remember, the show ended on a nice note. The friends all coming together. See, it's not a toxic show. It's just a show about people who live vapid lives sitting on chairs in an empty room, mourning the loss of a monster energy drink refrigerator, but celebrating the fact that Zach can now pay $1 ,200 back to caca. Kristen.

55:02Ronnie Karam: Caca! Alright, everybody. Thanks so much for being here for The Ballet. We'll be back later today with some southern hospitality if you want to stream the cabaret do so friday night it's uh 7 p.m and 9 30 p.m eastern time there will be big chat room parties going on for both of those shows you can buy tickets up to showtime and then after that stream them for a week we will talk to you next time bye watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors she answered the call It's Adia Paul Ain't no thing like Alison King Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto Put your hands together for Carly Clapp Get on the right foot with Chrissy Alford She's not just a Sheila She's a Daniela We never miss her call It's Diane Call Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark Big Yay, it's Emily Gauthier Erin McNicholas She don't miss no trick-a-less You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones.

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56:07Ronnie Karam: Sips some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's a total knockout, it's Katie Manok. She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Que sera, sera, whatever we'll be, we'll Lauren Sillsby. She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the Berg. This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love-a-ya, Olivia Williamson. She sure is swell. It's Raquel. Yes, we canna. It's Sadana. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. Darn Skippy, it's Tippi.

56:48Ronnie Karam: And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP. It's Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O 'Neill. Put us on a stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher. Hogle your horses. It's Christine Hogle. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. Have a kebab with K-Rob. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. Let's get savage with Laura Wildman. In the study, with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock.

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