#3419 The Valley S3E12 Part Two: Everyone Scwartzapa-loses

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1:34Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. This is part two of the recap. If you missed part one, go check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap. So then they go to this hotel or whatever, and they're being greeted. They're talking about how much they love it. They're in Punta Mita. That's where you go. Punta Mita. Punta Mita. It's PK. and Kristen is just sitting in the back. Everybody else gets off, but Kristen's just sitting there with the baby and they're like, okay, Kristen and then a guy blows a what is it like a horn or a conch shell or something?

2:15It's like well, I was trying to let the baby sleep, but I guess not I guess that's not going to happen. Rip that horn guy a new one. Thanks a lot, horn guy So Zach's like, oh my god, look at this view it's amazing and so they check in and jesse has no money on his card so uh oh broke ass jesse coming with getting his card declined and he's like well my sugar mama's coming tomorrow yeah michelle is is taking a victory lap like his credit card got declined i told you zo biebel okay the guy is broke and lala's like um yeah i thought you were gonna have to give your credit card to jesse's she's like um he gave another guard he's like that is weird that would never happen and i'm like oh so um then they're all they're they're all kind of like about to go off to their rooms because they all have their keys and everything and tom is talking to luke at that front desk he's like okay well um i'll get a drink with you when uh we go to how about before the ocean so you want to meet me there in like 10 minutes and luke is like yeah Joshua, I'll meet you in 10 minutes.

3:28And Kristen's like, Tom, he has a daughter. It takes more than 10 minutes. Caw-caw. So Tom's like, oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, my bad. Sorry, I got carried away. I'm just a little boy. Yeah, so now they go to their rooms, and Kristen is seething because her husband's already planning on going to have drinks. And she's like, oh, someone just blew a horn at us. So they go look at their rooms, and Jasmine is stuck in a room with a bunch of girls. And she's like, what do all the other couples get? Like, what do the other couples get a room? And I'm stuck with the girls. Like, what the hell?

4:06And my view is a parking lot. Yeah. And then in the other room, it's Zach, Benji, and Tom Schwartz. And Tom's like, yeah, I mean, I like to have my own space. but like if I was gonna be a third wheel with any couple, it's gonna be Zach and Benji. I'm like, I'm sure they love having you there too, by the way. Nothing two gay men want more than like a sad sack 56 year old man with, you know, late 90s spiky hair and glasses having a party called Schwarza-palooza. So Tom's like, do you guys cuddle when you sleep? And Benji's like, um, yeah, I cuddle. And then I'm like, okay, buddy, turn over. that's an idea and tom's like yeah and also like zach and benji are in an open relationship just saying just kidding kiana kidding those are jokes don't worry kiana no one is worried okay yeah i was like that was i was so offended i almost had to move my sunglasses off the tip of my nose almost um now jesse is facetiming with lacy and he's like here is the view and she's like It's pretty And look, when are you getting in?

5:2110 a.m. Okay, well, it's going to be an hour long I know, I've been there many times, Jesse Okay I don't know how long it is to the hotel, Jesse I'll see you tomorrow Bring a lot of light stuff You know, maybe something like cool and sexy And she goes, oh my god, can you please not say cool and sexy Ick Ick So So in the girls' suite, they're all talking because Kristen's in a bad mood. Let's not forget, this is travel Kristen. There's a lot of talk about postpartum, but this is also travel Kristen, which is already fundamentally, she's just not a happy camper. And the girls are talking like, doesn't she have a nanny with her and everything?

6:06And it turns out that Kristen has her sister and her brother-in-law there to help. How similar does her sister look to Gigi's sister? We only got like a really quick shot of her, but I was like, oh, that's Gonesa's sister. Oh, I didn't even think. And maybe I saw her because she was kind of like looking down into the crib while she was taking care of the baby. But I was like, it's Gonesa's sister. Watch out. We're in trouble. Did you know that Kristen's Lebanese? I did not know that. They're sitting here. Wow. She's half Lebanese than me. Yeah, I didn't know that until recently. It's one of my Lebanese sisters.

6:42so anyway so brinney's like i just want to you know like try and get her out of it and get her in a good mood michelle's like well luga seems great and very elbful from what i see oh really wait till he's hanging out in the hallway fake tearing so someone will like stop and give him a crying scene yeah exactly so kristen's like so uh you want to you want to hang out with tt you want you want to roll over you want to hang out gt good job hang out with dada and luke is like oh yeah cool look at you go girl you're gonna be crawling before you know it crawling to colorado hopefully because la sucks aha okay so um luke is like okay you know the airport's always the most stressful part but we're here now so hopefully you can take a deep breath help me out She's like See, the bedside manner is not great It's not great Don't condescend to her It's not the way to start this, Luke Just say, I know that was really stressful Now that we're here, is there anything I can do to make you comfortable?

7:49We're on vacation, I want you to feel on vacation Not like, I know that was stressful But hopefully now you can relax Yeah, like, take a breath here Do me a favor Okay, and then he goes oh and let's just cool off and chill out here okay and i'm not pressuring you to stay out with me either oh okay that's great that you're you're like wow you're in a shitty mood take a deep breath and by the way i'm going out all night and you don't have to come with me so yeah oh i'm sure in your perfect world i would just stay here with kaya and you could go out with your friends like i understand i understand he's like no why are you coming yet like that even i'm not even saying that because you just condescended to her luke and she picked up on it and she's in an sensitive place where things that she might be able to just kind of like brush off she's not going to so she goes so is that what this is for you just like get fucked up every night until you can't see straight i'm like well to be fair they are on vacation with like people that do get fucked up every night but like your point remains oh my gosh it's like another couple fighting for the next hour.

8:54So he's like, but these are your words, Christian. I don't even know where you're coming up with this stuff. I didn't say anything about going out tonight. You're just making assumptions and projecting on me. But you did. You just said, you just said, I'm not pressuring you to stay out with me all night. So what did that mean? So Luke says, I've called it the daily criticism. Like, why do you put her in that? In those clothes? Well, I don't change her diaper that way. This is what I get 90 % of the time. I don't have all the confidence in the world. I'm new at this. It does put more doubt in my mind.

9:28Am I doing something wrong? Yes. By the way, we'll answer that for you. Yes. Am I not being a good partner? Yes, that is correct. You're not being a good partner. Am I not being a good dad? Well, jury's out on that, but either way. So he's like, these are the questions that are running through my mind. They get louder. I'm like, sir, you had like 12 years of Kristen Doty documentation out there in the public for you to consume before you got married. Like, you chose Kristen. Kristen's going to always give anyone a hard time that she's in a relationship with. Yeah, I'm just not here for this guy's whining.

10:00And I wish you could hear the questions going around in my head. Why is this guy here? Who cast this person? Why did Kristen fuck this person at a wedding? Why did Kristen ask for this guy's baby to be inside of her? How did this guy's sperm get into an L.A. sperm bank if he hates LA so much and he only likes the country? So many questions. And guess what? I don't care about the answer to any of them, sir. So she's like, well, I'm just making assumptions based on what happens at home. He's like, but it doesn't happen often. I mean, I've been hung over one time in the last two weeks. And she's like, oh, wow, one time in the last two weeks.

10:37Whoa, get him on award. That was crazy that he said that. He goes, well, you say it like I party all the time and it's only been, what, 14 or 15 days? So she's like, to be hungover and fucked up and not come home until 3 o 'clock in the morning, it's kind of a lot when you have a brand new baby. He's like, okay, you know what? I'm done here. I'm going to go jump in the water with Tom to show that I am not someone who cares about partying all the time. I'm going to go out and I'm going to party. Yeah, and she's like, okay, I'll take care of Kaya. Have fun. It's like, that's why your sister and David are here to help us out.

11:12He's out of there. Yeah. So, that was cool time. I get the frustration of being like, are we going to vacation? Didn't we bring people here to help us? But it's just the way this guy just is terrible. And he has to be the victim in every situation. Like, you're not the person for Kristen, you know? I mean, to deal with a difficult person is just not this way. It's just not like this. It's like, hey, what can I do for you? You want to just sit and relax? You have to wait until her to be like, well, don't you want to go out and swim you should go out and hang out with everybody you know which she will if you just stop like poking okay if you treat her with respect if you treat her with respect and don't condescend to her i guarantee kristin would say like why don't you go out and have fun i'm gonna hang out with kaya but if you're like well maybe now you can finally get it together maybe now you can finally take a breath and get over it you know it's like she's not gonna that's not gonna it's gonna agitate a situation it's not gonna improve anything just sit with her until the sleep or something you know take care of her first and then go on vacation but don't prioritize vacation over her and that's what he's doing and she picks up on that and then she's angry and and everything's heightened for her because she's going through a lot so um now over at the pool we have schwartz and zach and benji and um they are just uh waiting around in the water and everything and zach is like oh my god this is like what we need it's like our birthday like it does like a little stormy though like is this supposed to storm it's just like not a sunset like look at it's like almost gray clouds are coming in like oh my god and of course with great clouds and danny it's luke and danny you're like um here come the gray clouds so tom's like we're in mexico which i love and he's short to palooza tonight it's like kind of coachella adjacent right come on let's go we're on vacation it's my birthday man so zach is like it was asking if kaya's with casey and everything and looks like yeah and kristen and david and and zach's like but i thought the whole reason that you guys like flew casey and david down was that so that way they could take care of the baby and luke is like it is so uh zach is like okay well listen i'm not saying that you can't be upset like that is absolutely crazy um but like you know it's it's that's that's hard and he's like i just want to be on our team yeah yeah well yeah she's i wonder he goes i just want her to know i'm on her team you just left her pissed off with the baby in a hotel so you can come have drinks with boys in a pool hello it's time for a commercial it's time for a crap and commercial your outdoor space should feel like you I have this gigantic patio deck thing that I wanted to use for parties and I could just not find any fashionable patio furniture I needed a lot and I needed to go together I needed different pieces that all kind of look the same I was able to go on Wayfair and search for exactly what I needed different Different brands, different things all coming together in one style.

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16:42Search WhatNot, W-H-A-T-N-O-T in the App Store, sign up, and start finding the best deals on the products you love with$20 off and free shipping on your first purchase. Zach is like, you know, you're always on her side. She may seem like you're not on her side, but you're always on her side, as evidenced by you being here and not with her side, literally by her side at this moment. Yeah, Zach's going to get ate up for this later when Kristen sees this. she's not gonna like this so then we go back to kristen and luke sweet and she's you know she's like oh kaya you don't get to go to a party right oh i'm sorry and she's talking about how hard she worked to be a mother and that's all that's important to her now she's like like there's always going to be a party like there's always going to be a birthday there's always going to be a fun trip but kaya's only going to be this age for like one second yeah okay but then don't come on a trip that's a birthday party.

17:37My concern for Kristen is something like, this is going to go in a circuitous and strange place, but it reminds me of, you know, as my parents get older, sometimes I'm like, like I'll be hanging out with them, like soak this in, soak in this moment, soak in this moment. And I'm like trying so hard. I'm like, I don't know how much longer my parents will be here. And I'll be, we'll just be talking, having a, just a generic conversation. In my mind, I'll be like, soak this in, Ben, soak this in. You don't know how many more of the conversations these you have. da da da da da and then that takes me to there was an episode of the golden girls this is going somewhere but there was an episode of the golden girls where darthie was like sophia has like a health scare and darthie is like oh my god i don't know how much time i have left with sophia so she takes like sophia to like disney world or something like that they go on a trip and she is like just constantly saying to sophia like oh let's look at the photo albums let's do this i just like staring at sophia and sophia's at one point like what the hell are you doing you know and it's really about like how sometimes we try so hard to be like really intentional and savor these moments that we're not actually just like living and so i like i understand what kristen is saying but i also hope that like she doesn't get so caught up in it that she stops being able to actually experience all the wonderful things around her that's the lesson i took from the golden girls and where my brain went to when she had that little monologue so you're welcome everyone i'm sure all the moms are like ben shut the fuck up you don't know what it's like being a new mom this has nothing to do with that but you know if i can bring in a golden girls uh you know parable i will everything is fixed by a sophia reference don't get mad at me i invoke the golden girls my gosh um yeah that's cute i love that show um so back at the girl suite michelle's uh they're talking about what kind of shoes to wear you know and what they're gonna wear to these parties.

19:26And Lala's like, yeah. And then for Zach's, they just got like, you know, two chicks making out mouth to mouth. Like, what are they talking about? It's like, make out sesh. Oh, so Brittany's like, yeah, I'll make out with anybody. If Tom were single, I'd make out with Tom. But he's taken. He's taken. And I don't know if that girl's a vampire or what. Has anybody seen that girl without sunglasses? Everyone at one point has said, I would make out with Tom if he was seeing Gaul. So then the guys are still in the pool and Luke is like, hey, Tom, are you going to be promiscuous this trip? He's like, oh, fuck no.

20:05And then Zach is like, well, Kiana is officially, no, they're official, right? And Damien's like, oh yeah, Kiana has Tom tattooed on her heart or something like that. And Tom is like, guys, guys, guys, I'm going to say something that I never said while I was married to Katie. you can roast me all you want all you want i love being roasted but you've got to respect kiana now if you want to go in on katie go for it bros but not kiana because she's a model yeah like in the car when they were like does she have a frontal lobe i mean come on guys and zach's like who said that it's like the girls did and we see on the sprinter van jasmine being like oh my god is that girl's frontal lobe even developed and i'm all saying It's not until 30.

20:52Lala, 30? Come on. It's 25. 25 is the common. And Tom's like, God, guys. Damn it, Lala. Damn it, Lala. Get your frontal lobe information correct. But I love that Tom's so offended like they're making fun of her. They're making fun of you, not her. They're making fun of you for dating somebody so young. It's your marriage crisis, okay? They like her. It's like, oh, my hair's like half spiky. Oh, yeah. You know, Smash Mouth is my fashion North Star. Listen, I've heard the studies, okay? They say your frontal lobe's not fully developed until you're 25. And she's 27. She has her shit together more than me.

21:36And I'm definitely not 27. I don't know if there is a frontal lobe for Tom, unfortunately. I would agree that she's got it more together than that. I think everybody would agree with that. But they're making fun of them. But they're making fun of you, not her. And Luke's like, oh. At least Pile of Change has it more together than Tom Schwartz, let's be honest. Yeah, and Luke's like, well, these girls are mean girls, though. Oh, God. And then he's like, yeah, Kiana, that was it. That was the last. He's like, that's all I ask? I mean, roast the shit out of me. Just don't roast the shit out of Kiana.

22:10These guys are all on a slow tumble towards the manosphere. The moment the Valley is canceled or they're off the show, we're going to be seeing them just go on that entire path. they will be on that route yeah and i think west wilson will probably be with them um so then it starts to rain it's like i need a shower cup for my hair uh so now in the girl suite everyone's getting ready people checking out britney's body and they're impressed because she's only at two weeks out of surgery and everything and she's swollen but she feels good and janet's like do not get glitter in any of your holes we're gonna hose you down at the end of the night and um but meanwhile kristen and luke sweet kaya's crying and things are even more tense than they were earlier so luke's like babe she just turned four months we were told this was coming four months sleep regression remember she's going to be fussier she's not going to sleep as much it's going to be part of this like we're told it was coming and she's like oh i feel like you want me to be heartless and just leave her crying and i can't do that he's like i don't want you to be heartless but i can't turn it off and just be like oh well she's crying i can't be like you he's like oh really well i'm not a piece of shit like you accused me of oh god luke this is you're just me too thing oh my god it's it's not that's this is so uh meanwhile uh the women are zach comes into the women's suite and i was i don't know why i was so amused by this but he's he's there to be like guys they're moving the shorts of palooza into the restaurant and like brenny just comes up to him and just starts putting glitter on his arm because he has his arm out because his arm is always out.

23:47Guys, we're moving to the restaurant because it's raining outside, so we have to move. What are you doing? I'm just putting glitter on you. He's like, why are you doing that? She's like, shut up. You love this shit there. Come on. I don't know why I thought it was so funny that his arm was just out like normal and she just clomped onto it and then just started putting glitter onto it. It's like a funny, weird thing to do. So now they're going to set up in the restaurant Okay, let's decorate my favorite thing So they start Cheersing and decorating And Tom's like, well, we had a vision for Schwarze Palooza, you know We were going to go down to the beach and rave out But it's raining And I guess we're just going to be here in the Free Continental Breakfast area of the hotel It was so sad This empty restaurant With like, yes It was 100 % the Continental Breakfast Buffet after hours.

24:40It's like a bunch of empty chafers and middle-aged people with glitter and rave costumes. Fluorescent lighting. You had the fluorescent lights. That was so sad. So Danny comes down and he's like, Let's go party! Woo! Yes, we find Danny. Everyone's just looking at him like, Oh God, fucking. He goes, he keeps saying it over and over again and Jesse to his credit looks at Danny and says I mean you look like you're a dad in Orlando at Disney because they're all dressed like Pseudo Music Festival and Danny's just in like dad you know resort wear and he's like what are you saying and Michelle's like you do look like an Orlando dad you have brought the two of us together to shame you it's like wow me and Michelle disagreed on something big steps.

25:37And he's like, what did she say? She said you look like a dad in Orlando at Disneyland. She's like, well, I think you look very handsome, Daniel. Don't listen to her. No, listen. You should listen. You look like a dad in Orlando. Like, you really do. Like, you should just be walking around the pool. I mean, he is a dad. And he probably has gone to Disney World. But he's really showing it. Let's say, you're supposed to dress like you're at a rave. Come on. So now everybody's dancing and eating and trying to have fun, but not really. And Danny just keeps going, let's go. Let's go. Why are you saying this?

26:20First of all, people don't say that at music raves. I really do feel like he has, I don't know. I don't know. He doesn't know. He's a supremely obnoxious person. And so Lala's like, God, that's really intense. And he's like, Tomapalooza. wow God, he's annoying. Jasmine's like, we need that energy. Tom's like, yeah, we do. He's like, thanks for that. It's very dead out here. Very, very dead. Yeah, well, because you're having a party around the Chafers of the Continental Breakfast. That's why. So Jesse's like, I'm just not a let's go guy. I'll leave that all Danny. I love it, though. Good for him.

26:57I don't have that much energy. He's got four kids. Michelle's like, we We didn't know. Yeah, we hadn't heard. So then they're just hanging around. Danny's saying like, by the way, happy birthday, Libra season. Libras are the best. Oh, I'm sorry. Danny's like, happy birthday, Libra season. How are we actually going to turn this party into actual party? What are we going to do? The dream is over, Danny. Just enjoy your booze while you have it. And then go up to your room. This is the best that Tom Opelousa is going to be. You know what's going to make it more fun? You running around screaming and yelling in everyone's ear how much fun you're having.

27:29Everyone loves that. Yeah. So Kristen and Luke come up. Kristen, they're arguing. Of course. And he's like, you don't listen. I brought these things up. She's like, Roger, Roger. It's like, well, it's been great hearing all this stuff you said about me today, Kristen. Get worked up and anxious. Like, okay, if that's what you wanted to say, just okay. He's like, no, it's true. And I'll tell you something. It doesn't make me feel good. And you're like, look, oh, wow, look at you having a pity party. Oh, my God. Leave. Leave this party. This is already miserable. This is already miserable. please leave don't tell your wife who is in clear postpartum that she's having a pity party can you just like not do that so i think he's saying that she's accusing him of having a pity party because he is he's always walking around fucking whining like she can't go through anything without him being like how does this affect me what about me you did not have a baby out of your body that you are still dealing with the ramifications from it's not the same so um so kristen's like uh she's she's no they join but kristen you know when she's upset she doesn't her whole thing is that she doesn't like to make a scene which in turn makes a scene she's like no no leave me alone kristen doesn't like to make a scene okay she well that's that's what she that's how she uh presents right like is everything fine she's like oh my god like what no just like leave me alone like don't talk to me don't talk to me like no i don't want this to be a thing right but like in the act of doing that it becomes like a thing so uh exactly do you want me to get you a drink like no no i can get it myself i can get it myself it's like okay well okay it's like uh so then he's like i just want to dance with the thunder yeah but just like you want to do a rain dance no i want to do an anti-rain dance it's a great one so they get a drink and lala's like um so jesse do you think that you're like kind of low-key because lacy's not here and maybe your personality is dependent on her now like out of nowhere like out of nowhere and lala read and janet's like yeah do you want us to like yell at you to be and be mean to you will that make you feel more comfortable just like she doesn't yell at me she quietly withers at me she just calls me out when i say or do something stupid or when i say or do something in any kind of way see luke could learn a lot from me you just be quiet and just take it on the chin so she calls you out when you do something stupid like every day he's like maybe jenna's like wow i just really love being around you both at the same time it's so much more fun being just mean to jesse with you here to witness it and then jesse does this thing where he takes his hand he does like a behind his like a hair flip and they're like jenna goes was that a hair flip it's no just whatever this thing is just tickling the shit out of my neck and i'm not allowed to do the hair flip motion when Lacey's around because she makes fun of me.

30:24So I had to take advantage of this moment. So Luke and Kristen go to different tables and Danny's like, Luke, let's go. Jesus. Jesus. And Tom's like, hey, Jody, I missed you. She's like, well, I don't like getting fucked up and staying out late and all that stuff anymore. Jasmine's like, well, it's okay to feel that way. I think we can all agree that's real. And she's like, no, it's so not fun. and she just wants to be at home with kaya for the for the rest of her i guess maybe luke is like saying yeah and uh jasmine's like who said that and christian's like luke says that about me he's like but you're just four months postpartum well you know i do think that luke probably feels a little unseen tom now's not the time go to the other people please don't advocate for luke right now and this is not the time or the audience and christian's like we have a four-month-old and guess what?

31:17She's only this age for like this long. Oh my god, she already just got older. Can I tell you something? In the past three seconds, she just got three seconds older. So, and he's like, yeah. And then we're gonna blink and she's like, I just will never be like this ever again. So Brittany's like, yeah, she'll be four. Like, who's crazy? Let's see. What's 365 times four? Because that's how many blinks you'd have to do a second for him to turn four, right? Okay, well, let's just go party. Can we just party? Okay? Mama's night out. Mama's night out. Oh, it's he. Hey, hold on. Danny, could you come?

31:52Let's go! So Luke comes up and he's like, here, I brought you some cheese quesadillas. And she's like, oh, thank you. It's really sweet. And then walks away. Just ignores his quesadillas. And then Luke is like, was my timing good? Was it bad? And Jasmine goes, your timing was terrible. Yeah. So Tom's like, yeah, it could have been better. Could have been better. And he's like, and so then Janet's like, okay, I, she's basically, sorry, I don't have enough of an alcohol tolerance anymore. So I'm a little bitch, basically. Yeah, she's like, not going to take a shot. And Zach is offering her the shot.

32:31He's like, you want to take a shot? She's like, yeah, I can't do that. I don't do that anymore. He's like, well, I don't even know we're in friends with anybody anymore. She's like, did you just say we're friends? He said we're friends, everybody. And then it thunders. She's like, oh, it was a sign. That was a sign. Zeus is bowling. So Kristen is, Luke is like, are you okay? She's like, I'm upset right now. I don't know why you're down here being like this. Like five minutes ago, you were screaming at me. He's like, that's a wild exaggeration. She's like yelling and raising your voice. He's like, I wasn't even yelling.

33:01She's like, okay, you were being super fucking hurtful and you knew it. He's like, sorry. Like, do you know what I live with on a daily basis? Super fucking hurtful. The shit you say to me. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sorry, I can't. I can't even right now. The stuff I deal with on a daily basis and all I said was, please don't talk to me that way. That's all I said. Okay, Luke. I mean, no one wants to, of course no one wants their partner to be mean or curt or short with them and everything, but like, I just feel like he seems to not realize that like a lot of the way that she seems to be responding to him is based off of stuff that he does initially.

33:33Well, yeah, I mean, he comes down like, God, Chris, and it's like, would you like a quesadilla? Which on one hand is offering to be nice but just if she's in this mood just fucking let her i mean my god the the whole the thing that he's doing that's making me crazy is the constant like victimizing himself in front of everybody in all yeah you know it's just making me and it's it's annoying me now that said kristen is also kristening but you know if you're going to be with kristen long term you have to know how to deal with that personality exactly he's just terrible at it and she's like i just want to be with my daughter this is ridiculous so he walks away to stand with jesse and danny and then he's like i want to jump in the ocean apparently i was screaming at her and really hurt and really hurt her jesse's like well what the hell's been happening all day and he's like well she loses her mind when travel happens and i'm aware that there's anxiety and stress and all these other things like but she goes in this manic state it's like a regular thing yeah crazy crazy kristin so jesse's like well you were you seemed very patient at the airport what happened of course, Jesse's going to take that perspective.

34:37Like, well, you were just being a nice guy because you are a guy. And, uh, so Luke is like, I am very patient. And he's like, yeah, because she is, she's patient, right? You know, she's the mom. She has hormonal things going crazy and stuff. At least she didn't try to make you look like a janky pageant person, right? Like didn't put any of that yellow makeup on your face like my wife did. Yeah. She didn't make you lose a pageant did she it's like the point of of like tearing me down she's like like you don't even fucking care about kaya saying shit like that to me jesse's no like that's not fair he's like yeah it's not even close to fair i mean look at her she's rolling her eyes you know and she's saying like luke wants a pity party and luke's such a little bitch and then she says i'm screaming at her saying awful things to her and i'm like oh this is stuff i deal with and i have to take it on the chin every single time i've never seen you take it on the chin was that off camera when was Oh, seriously.

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36:59Brittany is checking in and Kristen's like, I don't feel good. And they're like, you've got to eat something. You haven't eaten anything all day long. And so meanwhile, the guys are like, Danny's saying, it's the hardest job being a man. And so Luke is like, I mean, I love, I fucking love Kaya so much and I love Kristen so much. Well, of course you do. And then there's lightning. Another ominous lightning strike. And he's like, my God, that lightning was insane. Hey, Lightning, let's go! That's what happened to marriages, you know? It becomes about the child. But, you know, the basic connection is to still stay united in the marriage.

37:39Okay? So just tell her, take off your fucking mic and then tell her what you really mean in a guest house somewhere where there's no cameras. Yeah, Danny's really wanting to talk. The focus should be about the child while he's like, why do I have to hold this child? so Jesse's saying he's like yeah one thing that I always said about our relationship is that we kept on growing and the relationship stopped like thanks thanks for that insight Jesse that has nothing to do with anything so Luke is like I'm just I'm fighting for our relationship by you know trying to go out to the pool and drink and everything's just so heightened with the kid obviously and like yeah 100 % it's like you know you only think so much about like you only think so much without this coming back to like oh I'm sorry because I do like I I know that you're not that.

38:21I know that you don't feel that way. I don't actually think about you that way, having to compound and compound and compound and never having that reconciliation. I'm starting to lose my mind. I can't do this forever. Which he says multiple times. And then when Kristen's like, yeah, but you say things like, I can't do this anymore. It sounds like you're going to leave me. He's like, no, I never said that. What are you saying? I would never blah, blah, blah. And then here he goes. I can't do this forever. And I've said it. And if this is the status quo and how it's going to be, if things don't improve from here, there's not going to be a wedding.

38:53Well, okay. Who cares if there's going to be a wedding or not? You've had a child with this person, you dumbass. I love that he's like, oh, wow. Well, I'm going to show her and not give her a commitment. You already committed. You had a child with this person. I think Kristen just wants reassurances that she has a partner in this process that's very, very difficult for her. And I think she's insecure. I think she probably feels bad that she's pulling him from like the things he wants to do. She probably sort of innately feels bad because he wants to be in Colorado. And she feels bad, but then she gets frustrated that she's meant to feel bad because they should be doing this together.

39:31And then she probably gets like angry at him. And then he does things that are quite frankly not reassuring that he has her back into this. Especially saying things like this on camera. Like there's not going to be a wedding. I don't know how long I could do this forever. and then she's paranoid that he's going to walk out at any given moment, which makes her feel even crazier. And then she circles the wagons even more around Kaia, like, I must protect this. So, like, I just think that Luke is contributing so much toxicity to the situation. And even though, like, I feel like we see it more from Kristen, the way she's lashing out, I think it's really Luke who is really, he has the tools to be able to help the situation a lot more than I think Kristen does in this moment, and he's just not using them.

40:10Well, this is a person she really wanted to have a baby with because she was like, my time's ticking. I need to have a baby. I'm going to do it. And if this works out with this person, it works out. And if it doesn't work out with him, okay, I want the baby, you know? And so she's trying to make it work out. But it's not like this was ultimately the best person. It's just the person that was there. And I think she's trying to make something fit that just doesn't fit. I mean, you can't have these two personalities together forever. You just can't. Like Kristen needs somebody to be like, Kristen, I understand.

40:43Okay, I'm going to give you a minute. Or be able to walk away and not get as emotional as Kristen's getting. And I don't even mean because of the postpartum and all of that. Because obviously we've acknowledged that. But Kristen in general. Like just Kristen from the past decade. Like she's just a very high emotional. She's got a lot of emotions, you know. And you can't have two people. And she lashes out. her baggage in life is that she lashes out a lot when she is feeling cornered, misunderstood, confronted, upset, hurt, hungry, thirsty, 3pm. But she does, she lashes out. So it's like you said, pregnancy or no pregnancy, you go into that relationship knowing that this is her personality and you, like we say to so many people on Bravo, you can't change people.

41:35like you just accept them with how they are we can't fight fire with fire you know and that is definitely kristen is a fire and he is he's not like a water or even a wick you know that could use the fire he's just you know i don't even know what that guy is he's he's a tarp that's trying to smother the fire but it's just gonna melt and then just contribute terrible chemicals to the environment for many centuries yeah i think ultimately this guy comes across as like a user he comes across as someone who is like wants to be on tv and is doing the whole like but i'm a country boy so we naturally hate la wink while he's like soaking it all up but he doesn't really want to be here you know i think this is like a a big case of settling that we're watching another one on the valley of all places who would have thunk it who would have thunk it so anyway um And he's having a fit.

42:32She's having a fit. And then we bounce to another conversation. And Janet is still giving Jesse shit. And she's like, wow, Jesse, your hair. He's like, oh, yeah, it's sweaty, right? When I got my haircut, he goes, you want the F-boy haircut? And I said, yeah. And she goes, what's that, frat boy? He goes, I think it's different than frat boy. And Danny's like, this is so sad. hey, Zach, let's do it! Let's do it! Come on, brother! Yeah, honestly, I think, talk about someone who's trying to make fetch happen as Danny, trying to make this the rager that he wants it to be. He's like, I just want to get drunk.

43:14Zach's like, um, yeah, okay. By the way, Lala, you better wear something sluttier to my birthday party. She's like, well, fuck. So Janet's like, okay, I have a question because you and Benji have an open relationship, so when you're on vacation like this he's like no we're together it's different like unless we talk about just well i mean like obviously like i'm bisexual which by the way i did not know about so technically when i'm not with jason he's like i don't care if you hook up with girls and i've never acted on that though you know he's like um shut your fucking mouth right now you're about to tell me that like if i found you with a woman here it'd be like okay and she's like oh my god you You don't even have to look around because the woman is Michelle.

43:53She's my dream girl. And she talks about how she's been with women in the past. And we see a VPR flashback from 2019 of Dana being like, Janet, what do you think about threesomes? And she's like, I love them. Dana's like, do you? What are you doing later? Just kidding. But like, actually, no. That was a joke. I'm a comedian. So Janet is like, she's just saying that Michelle is stunning and that she's like an Abercrombie model. and she would have fun with Michelle, blah, blah, blah. By the way, you know in the reunion, this will be a 10-minute segment. Janet, you said you would fool around with Michelle.

44:27Do you think about women a lot? How big boobs do you like on women that you'd want to fool around with? What do you think about that, Jason? Have you seen Janet fool around with a woman before? And Zach's like, well, are you okay with him doing stuff with men? She's like, I mean, if he were into it, I'd love it. He's like, oh my God, I'm going to write that down. so now Kristen and Brittany are coming out of the bathroom and uh Brittany's like she's like are you okay and Kristen's like for the love of God she's like do you want to talk to Luke or do you want to lock what do you want she's like no I just want to go to bed so uh they walk past Luke and Jesse and Luke is like I mean it's insane that like I do one thing for myself and then all of a sudden and then of course Kristen rolls up right when he's saying that so it's like clear that she's heard him telling a sob story about himself to yes so zach's like babe do you need me to walk you up and she's like no and luke's like what's up babe she's like i'm going to bed it's like you're what and so it's like you're going to bed are you okay huh huh it's like luke she just heard you talking shit you know yeah and she's like my stomach hurts i'm just throwing up he's like did you eat you can't just not eat anything christian you have to take food you can't just not eat all day and she tells us i get that luke is only 34 he's not 42 or 43 i mean wait how old am i 42 or 43 but i know but i'll know this i'm not gonna be this age for much longer so chris is like it's my bedtime it's like babe it's only nine hour time she's like oh i get that luke wants to go out with his friends and he wants to go out on a friday night and he wants to go out to tom tom for brunch on saturday oh really a person who hates fame really person who hates fame so you go to tom tom every week for brunch the place that people will know you and ask for your autograph oh i hate fame i hate it if you're living in the valley you're not traveling to tom tom for brunch unless you want to be recognized yeah no one goes to tom tom anymore so um britney's like they can't britney needs to go closed oh isn't they sell it she's selling it oh well she's i think she's close i don't know but britney meanwhile also needs to go to bed because her body is like, yeah, no more.

46:39Recovery time. So she's going to go to bed. And Danny's like, wow, this lightning's insane, dude. Let's go! Please just throw him in the ocean. Please. I can't. Muscle him. Lala's like, okay, well, I mean, Luke really looked upset, you guys. And then Kristen was crying. And, you know, I'm new back into my friendship with Kristen, but I have known her for many years. same behavior, guys. Same behavior. And Tom's like, yeah, same. I mean, she's never really been in a balanced, healthy relationship. And also, in some ironic way, maybe it's jarring for her. She doesn't know what to do. No, she's postpartum, and she has an immature fiancé who is nine years younger than her and hasn't been through certain life experiences, and he's being condescending to her.

47:29That's what's happening. He is, but Kristen's also being a nightmare. She is a nightmare. This is all true, but Kristen is, I mean, her friends are even like, Jesus Christ, Kristen's still Kristen-ing, you know? She's always baseline nightmare, okay, no matter what, especially when traveling. But, like, again, like, he's the one who willingly embarked on that nightmare. I think that there is something to be said for this self-sabotage thing that she gets. Like, you know, you're testing it to make sure it's real, you know? Like, will you leave, really? Are you going to be here forever? Well, how about now?

48:04How about now? I mean, I think that there's something to that. And Lala's like, yeah, you know, when something is good, people like me and Kristen, we're like, how do I fuck this up? Like, I wouldn't know a healthy relationship. Wait for it, guys. If it slapped me across the face with its dick. So Nia is like, well, they're working it out. So, you know, we're still figuring it out at times now, my love. And so Daisy, always, we're always figuring out what's wrong with Nia. so then um luke is luke is now in the chair and he's texting and he's texting like should i come back to the room or no just go back to the room like don't stop putting it on her and so britney and melissa walk by and britney's like hi because it's sort of funny because britney's like clutching onto melissa's arm because she needs no she needs at this point she needs some help getting back and i don't know why it was like a funny image of britney like arm and arm with mich with uh with with melissa and so britney's got like pink glitter like really thick smeared across her eyes and she's britney you know they're walking through this hallway and luke's just sitting in like a chair but like in the corner of the hallway just waiting for a camera to pass i mean this fucking guy so she's like oh hi uh are you okay and he's like yeah i'm okay you swear she's like well i mean i'm willing to talk to you about it you know like how it feels and stuff you know and He's like, go take care of yourself right now.

49:27I can't. Please, just leave me alone with the camera. She's like, you guys are both back and forth. So she was like, maybe he would understand from you coming postpartum stuff because she knows you guys can't understand that. He's like, I know. And she holds it against me. And she goes, well, I think just give her some grace. He's like, she gets grace 99 % of the time. He's like, oh, well, okay, well, here. Okay, I hear from my best friend's point of view. you know and i know it's hard for men to understand what a woman goes through in postpartum but at this point in kristen's life you know it's the baby it's her healing from what the baby's been through like what her body's been through and then it's luke down there but this is like not going to be a forever thing and this is just what's happening right now i love that she's standing up to luke and being like well i hear from my best friend so please and he's like but how do i not defend myself when you tell me i want to party more than i care about her and you literally have been talking about parting nonstop.

50:22You just said, I'm like, you're not, you're not tricking anybody, Luke. And she's like, well, I'm not saying don't stand up for yourself. He's like, yeah, but those are things she says to me. And she's like, but she knows that it's not true. I think she's just having a hard time. And he's like, okay, then tell me the next day. Then be like, I'm sorry that I said that shit to you. You know, I know you're a good dad. I know you do these things. Yeah. But you said she does do that the next day. Usually that's, that was your problem recently is that the next day she comes and she's like sorry and so she says postpartum depression is awful and she doesn't you know like look she doesn't love the way she looks she doesn't love the way she feels she doesn't love it and he's like well i wish it wouldn't come out in such harsh words and he says because no one can cause me more pain than kristen can it's like something has to change we need to get back to respecting and loving each other or this isn't gonna work oh just fucking go you've said that like five times this season just to go it's not gonna work so leave now but you won't until you're canceled yep so that was the episode i loved it i thought i actually thought i thought the i thought i thought kristin going through it was fascinating and i thought all the stuff sort of around kristin was like very funny like i was laughing i like chuckling and all sorts little things just his hair flip and them telling Danny he looked like his dad in Orlando I don't know I was uh I loved it well that's good I'm glad you did um I love talking about it with you that's for sure um everybody thanks so much for being with us we will uh have a bonus episode coming out later today for Love Island and we will talk to you next week for more stuff with more stuff recap stuff bravo stuff we'll be there okay see you next time bye watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors she answered the call it's adia paul ain't no thing like alison king our way is the amber way it's the foster and the furious it's amanda foster it's always automatic with ashley auto put your hands together for carly clap get on the right

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