#3443 (REWIND) RHOC S16E11 An Embarrassment of Riches - Live from St. Paul

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2:14Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

2:35Well, hello. What's up? Welcome to Watch What Crappens! The podcast of all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben. Oh, me? Hi. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my god. One of the kindest places we've ever been. Truly.

3:10Everyone here is so fucking nice. And you know that when I looked out that window on the plane, I was like, fuck. Yeah, snow. Oh, no. I went to a restaurant last night, because I got in last night, and I sat at the bar, and the bartender was just, like, talking. He's like, oh, you picked a good week to come. I was like, really? He goes, oh, yeah, we're having great weather. I was like, it's 23 degrees out. And then he had this big hair. He was really nice. We had this big hair, and this lady sat down. By the way, I was a whole bar, 12 stools. I was the only one there. She sat down right next to me.

3:48It smelled like a chimney. She sat down next to me, and she says to the bartender, oh, man, I love your hair. He goes, yeah, well, you know, now that it's warming up, my hair's so big. As if it was, like, fucking, like, Miami, Florida. It was great. So funny. I mean, everyone's so nice. There's not even a do not disturb thing on the door at the hotel. I know. They don't even worry about disturbing your ass here. It's not even called a disturbance. It's just like, hi. Doing okay in here? Can I do anything for you? What's going on? What are you doing? My sign says, hot dish yes or hot dish no.

4:30Well, thank you so much for having us. This theater is... I know. Look, there's like, they're like little balcony things. I want you guys all to reenact Pretty Woman from up there, okay? Really? Those balconies, that is like our natural setting. It's like those two old Muppets who sit up in the balcony. Yeah, it's amazing. Just give shit to people. That's where we're doing our next show from. Yeah. Everywhere must have a balcony. Also, I'm so sorry to sully the name of Fitzgerald by even sitting here. I mean, I saw that face and I was like, congratulations, you've got water at Crappens at your house tonight.

5:11I know. And one of my favorite things to do is to pander to the locations we go to. So for today, I wore purple. That felt great. I pandered to the television shows that we all watch no matter where we are. Orange-ish. Oh my God. So tonight we're obviously going to be recapping the real Housewives of Orange County. and I have to say I was watching it last night and I literally think the last 20 minutes of the episode was some of the funniest 20 minutes I've ever seen on Orange County. No joke. I was dying. This whole episode was just amazing. I'm sorry, I was trying to figure out how to put on a paper bracelet and I couldn't do it.

6:00That's where I'm at in life for anyone wondering. Listen, we've all been there. We've all been at the paper bracelet junction And again it doesn't recognize my face Why doesn't this thing recognize my face Steve Jobs up in heaven

6:16Thank you Love you Love you Who's missing down here in the front I want to threaten to kick them out Later when they're too drunk There's like five seats missing there Drunk assholes You know they're going to come in here later Like yes Yes! I love you were here!

6:38That's okay. You guys can all laugh harder because they're not there. They can't compensate for them. So, everybody, thanks so much for being here. Real Housewives of Orange County. Guess what? Jen is a boring creature, but she gave us a great show. I know. Jen, really. Oh, wait. Alcohol helps everything, you know? And I just want to say that to my sponsor. so Jen is a wreck but she also gave us an opening line you know every week the opening lines say something new to me it's like the bible if you will I'm having a very Emily episode but she says I'm not afraid of a little jab and I was like you know what that is just so fitting for our times could you call my family okay like your aunt has cancer, she's not going to get the jab.

7:31I'm like, come on! I don't even want to get political. Jen was like, you know what, Jen? You've just made me think about this a little bit deeper. Thank you. Thank you, Jen. If you guys didn't think you were going to get some deep thoughts here at Crappins, you're sorely mistaken. Sorely mistaken. So the episode opens up with shots of all around Orange County. You see the surfers and whatever. And the first thing we see is Emily with her daughter Annabelle FaceTiming. At this point, it's just some random girl on the iPad who's like really excited about a baptism. She's like, you're going to feel warm inside.

8:10You're going to be super happy. It's going to be the best thing you've ever had. That's what religion does to you. I come from a born-again family and growing up, that's my mother. She would be like, oh, hi, I'm Rhonda. How are you? Oh, and do you know Jesus?

8:35And this girl... Just like, mom, you're drunk at a New Year's party. Now it's not the time. Now it's not the time. But, you know, that's how it works. So this girl's like all up on baptisms and just cussed to Emily and being like... It makes me really emotional. I don't know why. I don't know if it's menopause. When she says, I don't know if it's menopause or what, they go. Like a good menopause burn from the editors. And, you know, Emily's like, I need you to explain to her because, you know, the only way I know baptism is through the term baptism by fire. And she just started crying. So just please explain to it.

9:21It's like, no, no. You feel warm on the inside. Don't actually get burnt today. So then we go over to Heather Dubrow driving with her daughter Max. Oh, total normal scene of teaching your teenager to drive. A porn. Yeah. They're in the middle of Laguna Beach on a really terrible street if anyone's ever been there. Meaning because it's so traffic-y. I was going to say, there is no terrible street in Laguna. I thought you were saying, oh, this terrible street in Laguna Beach. No, no, it's like there's so much traffic. There's always, like, a line of, like, 12 cars behind you. There's cars just everywhere.

10:01And you're just, like, if you're looking to parallel park there, you just don't do it because you just feel the pressure of, like, everyone staring at you, you know? It's, like, cars and Lauren Conrad. So then... So then Max is trying to parallel park, and Heather is, like, the worst mom, like, driver. Someone said ever. Someone said ever. She's a good mom. No, she's a good mom. Someone just goes, ever. But so Max is trying to park this car in this very high-stress situation. And I was like, go right, go right next to this car. Go right next to this car. Come on. Like, they're honking at me, Mom.

10:37Come on. Turn the car. Turn the car. Don't worry. Hold on one second. Let me address the drivers. If you ever honk at my daughter again, this will cost you a lot. You don't want to learn how to drive from someone who's driven everywhere. You know what I mean? Max is like, you know, there's parking meters everywhere. She's like, what are all these things? And Heather's like, those are called parking meters. Okay? When you have coins, you just throw them at your head. Watch, I'll do it. It's like hitting some lady. Okay, lady, I'm so sorry. We're parking here. We're parking. We are parking here, nether.

11:12Now, Max, it normally costs$2 an hour, but for$500, you can just park perpendicularly and just build a city. You know, Heather didn't pay that fucking parking meter That's all I thought the whole time She just thinks she does not have to pay this parking meter So then we go to Shannon, I'm happy I'm so happy

11:38Oh god It's our weekly We're really a happy family scene From Shannon Bedore So happy Well, now girls, twins even though one of you has dark hair now. Don't think I don't know who you are. Okay? David? Now, I know you've got a lot on your plates right now, and surprise, it's not rice, it's cauliflower. Real for real from real by real by Shannon Bedore. It's a tincture. It's a tincture. But, girls, there is something called chores, and unlike what your father said about his love for me, a chore is actually about putting dishes in the dishwasher. Chore isn't just your father's nickname for me. Chore?

12:28Chore?

12:31That is so wrong. A chore is more than just sticking your finger up your beloved's butt to pull out some cosmic debris. And Adeline, who's like dark-haired now, but also I think she's the one who's like, I dyed my hair so you guys can remember I'm the one who talks. Because the other one's just like... It's like a mini Shannon over there. So she's like, I do chores. The last three weeks I put the trash out on the street without anybody even telling me to. And Shannon's like, those were my clothes. And I would like to ask you again to please stop putting them all in the middle of the street. Thank you.

13:13I was wondering where my sombrero was for my little trip to Mexico the other week. So then, yeah, so, then Chan's like, okay, well, who's gonna do the dishes? Who will do the dishes? And then the girls go, nose goes. Nose goes. Nose goes. Which is a common order in Orange County at the plastic surgeon's office. Nose goes. Oh, that's true. Nose goes. It's like everything you order in Orange County. Like, ma 'am, welcome to McDonald's. Can I get you anything? Nose goes. You can take my nose. Chen's all alarmed by nose goes. She's like, what's nose goes? Have you heard of nose goes? Have you heard of nose goes?

13:53I've never heard of nose goes. I mean, you know I have. Because I was like, you can't just keep doing coke. Nose goes. The nose goes. I'm like, I have to breathe at some point.

14:07Nose goes. So I pat my stomach. God, I miss you. Drugs. so Emily is hanging up with Shelby you know Shelby's got somewhat you know something to give to somebody you know Shelby's out there shaking hands hugging people being like look up it's Jesus it's not that they're like oh the sun she's like no stays no stays no stays so she hangs up and then she has a shame scene that thank you Oh, Shane. Wow. Shelby seems so grown up and so happy in that iPad. Shane, I mean, Shelby's just like so different now. I just don't know how to put my finger on it. I mean, she's grown up, but it's just so different.

15:04It's Jesus, Emily. Just fucking call Jesus, okay? It's not hard. Here's what you do. Jesus, I love you. Can I go to heaven? And then he's like, yes. And you say, I'm sorry for all the cocaine jokes. And he says, I forgive serial killers. I'll forgive you doing cocaine. I'm Jewish. I don't understand. Oh my God, I'm warm inside.

15:31So Emily is like crying again. Because she's like, you know, she's saying how like two years ago, if you asked her about Annabelle getting baptized in the Mormon church, she would have been like, you know, like no way, but I guess she hasn't been watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City recently, so she's totally for it. Yeah. If you asked me two years ago if I was going to get my kids baptized for television, I would have said not the same year I'm doing a romantic striptease for my in-laws in Vegas. It's just a bad year to do it. She could have found Latter-day Jesus earlier, but I had a really cute bustier.

16:12And Emily spends a lot of time in her scenes this episode weirdly complimenting Shane. It's almost like, I feel like she's trying to convince herself of something a little bit, because she keeps on saying how great Shane is, and she's just saying, well, I wish my dad were more like you, Shane, because you just follow your kids everywhere. And he's sitting in the corner of the couch like... thanks she's like yeah you know I didn't after the divorce of my parents I didn't really see my dad much you know but I mean he's nice but there just wasn't a foundation there which is why we're so much of it now

16:54nose goes

17:00so stupid it's gonna make me laugh every time So she's talking about her dad And Shane of course Just what you want to hear when you're like You know I really feel abandoned Shut up But it's true It's like just when you're saying You know I really feel abandoned by my father What you really want from your partner is to go Well I mean You don't really know the whole story I know She's like okay, let me try this again, Shane. When I do go home and see my dad, he's the coolest guy ever. I get sad because I wish I had this dad my whole life. And he goes, we wish for a lot of things. Shane should work for Make-A-Wish.

17:52I mean, what a positive person. It's like, hello, Make-A-Wish. My son, you know, is probably going to pass. Like, he just needs to... We all have wishes. I know. Click one to get your not wish. Click one to not get your wish in English. Click two to not get your wish in Spanish. He's not a Minnesotan, that's for sure, right?

18:21So Emily's like, you're such a good man, Shane. What did he say that was good? Literally nothing. He's not a good man. What? He's waiting for a chance to ask her to pass the universal remote over to him. Yeah. It's like, you're a very good man in a very bad shirt, Shane. And then Shane just goes right into, well, I don't need a stack of vaginas for a gift. That's for sure. Like, how did we go from talking about baptizing your children into a stack of vaginas? Like, this is a very weird couple. And you know what? Speaking of Salt Lake City, if Whitney were there, she would have said, God, meet those vaginas.

19:04So Heather arrives at Malibu Farm. Hello. Table for Dubrow. Dubrow. Dubrow. I could just sit all day long. I could just watch Heather walk into restaurants and do that fake thing where she puts her hand up. You know, she always has a hand up like this. Like she's being sworn into something. She's like, hi. Table for Heather Dubrow. She does like a hand puppet while she talks. Like a little like, table for Heather Dubrow. Great. She used to carry her purse like that. Remember, it would dangle right here between the thumb and the index finger. She'd be like, hello, table 42, bro. And she's, of course, wearing a humongous LV.

19:41No, YSL. It was YSL. It was LV? LV. Oh, sorry. Shannon's poor ass comes in later with a huge Yves Saint Laurent. And it was just very embarrassing. Like, you start with the LV, and then Shannon's like, it's me over here. Oh, God. I know. Can't walk on the plane. She's in like Stussy. Why? Stussy. I don't know why that's the brand that came to me. Well, I love what the editors are doing on this show. How like every time, like they're really leaning into it this episode where anytime they're with Heather, they play like fancy music in the background, like violins or pianos. This is the piano. It's like.

20:23Yes, I would love a silver Patron and some soda. And then on the side, can I have some lime juice? Thank you very much. It's all sophisticated sounding. They've got violins. And then Shannon's walking like she's just like in the old west in like cowboy boots. Well, it's a lot of slats, a lot of my heels. I can walk normally. I am very sophisticated. But unfortunately, I want heels that are just a little bit too tall. Because my other heels were taken out to the curb by my daughter. And she finally gets over to Heather. And she's like, Heather, finally. I couldn't. My heels were getting caught and they hung me together.

21:03And Heather goes, oh, I know. It was hard. When I was done, when I was done, I wanted people to applaud me. All these waiters just stand up from behind tables like... Go. Commercials. Here comes one right now. You know, one thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are more relaxed and I find myself reaching for the same comfortable go anywhere pieces again and again. Quince's 100 % European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just$34. The tees are soft enough to live in all day and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when summer nights cool down.

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22:56Clean fragrances, smart control, all from your phone. Visit Pura.com to shop the Summer Collection. This season, there's been a lot of turmoil on the friend of front because we had Nicole for the first several weeks, but then she wouldn't go on the cast trip because allegedly she didn't want to get vaccinated. So they got rid of Nicole, and then now they're kind of like, this episode was the episode of road-testing friend-ofs. It's a battle of the friend-ofs, right? You've got Heather, who's like, I've got ten friends of. And then you've got, what's your buds? Noella. Who's trying to, because no one will talk to her anymore about her stupid divorce that no one cares about.

23:36So she's like, I'll shoot with someone else. Yeah, she finds a fake Holly Madison and is like, you can shoot with me. so now we have Tawny, this is Tawny's big moment so she comes in wearing a what do you call that leather piece that she was wearing like a bustier thing right I'm asking the guy what's this thing I lift my boobs to the guy's face it's like a leather corset bustier thing under like a white dress shirt or something yeah it was interesting so Tawny, already I love her because no one's face moves on this show first of all. I mean, it's Housewives, so I don't expect a lot of facial movement, and also it's my goal.

24:18But literally, this show, I didn't even know Tawny was talking. I would hear her voice and they would show they would show like a bottle of water with some straw coming out the top, because she's got like one of those high crimped 80s ponies, but then it's like the fake crimped pony. She felt like the stunt double for like Christine from Selling Sunset, you know? Like Sort of Christine-ish, but not quite. She looked like the thing on Survivor when they try to start a fire with rocks. And they get a bunch of little leaves and trees, little hay things. Hay. Mm-hmm. Sorry, Tommy. She looks like kindling.

25:00Yeah. Yes, kindling. Thank you. I will never be on Survivor. First of all, I never need to eat. You know I can starve my ass. I know I don't look like it. I can eat, but I can also not eat. I'm talented like that. My eating disorder goes many directions. I'm very fluid. So Tawny comes in. All that's about fucking Tawny. Literally, Tawny says two things. So Tawny comes in. She goes, it's all girls. DJ spinning hand fun time. Oh, Tawny. She goes, I went a little risque tonight with her leather thing. I'm like, you still have a full-on shirt underneath it. While we're talking about what people are wearing, Jen comes in wearing houndstooth, which there is never a more fitting pattern for a wife like Jen to have than has the word hound in it.

25:51Because, you know, she's like, can you just look at me? Can you just look at me different? Can you just look at me like you love me, though, but like you really love me? But, like, look at me better. Okay, like, look at me like you just looked at me, but, like, do it, like, better and more loving.

26:08How dare you ruin Houndstooth for all of us by now making it the official fabric of Dr. Jin So they come and Where else are you going to go for a Houndstooth joke? We got really good Houndstooth material guys Oh yeah, Ronnie, take it off Got to. That's another thing about cold places You guys are tricky. You're like, it's cold as hell two degrees below zero, and then you're going to be hot as fuck, sir. And I'm going to be in a fucking bikini top up here. So anyway, so they order some cocktails, and then they do some cheers. You know, Heather is always like, she's very like, she like dominates cheers a lot.

26:54You know, she's like, she always makes it like, she's controlling it, like, okay, everyone, I put in my schedule that we're cheersing now, so okay, cheers. She looks at you into your soul and does this with her head. Cheers. She does this, too. Where she looks at. Cheers. She's like, and she's waiting. She lifts her head like she's waiting for you to do it properly. Cheers. Send it around. Send it around. So Jen enters also. I mean, we're still at Jen's entrance. I'm so sorry. But Jen enters also just like she enters everywhere. I've had such a day. Such a day. Such a day. So, Tawny, uh, Tawny.

27:40No, Tawny. I will not go back to you. No, Tawny has something important to say. Fucking Tawny. I've already had two glasses of champagne today. She's trying real hard. Really, really hard, you know. So, Heather's asking Jen, like, so why are you so stressed and everything like that? And so, Jen is like, well, the most stressful thing is my relationship and like we still haven't talked. Oh, you mean you still haven't had that talk? That talk, right? Well, I was thinking that I want to have it in a professional setting and or an awkward dinner party, so... You know what you need? You need a mediator or what I like to call a seven-year stitch, which you can catch tomorrow night on E!

28:34Television. Starring me and Terry Tala. This is a real show, by the way. Terry and Heather have a show called The Seven-Year Stitch, which is not about sewing. It's about them solving everyone's relationship problems. This is true. Did you guys not know? You guys have to know. I love an angry town hall moment. It just started.

28:56When was OC last night? OC was last night, yeah. It's tonight. It's tonight. Okay, that's the night that this new show is on. So thank you for being here. Thank you for choosing us over the seven-year stitch. Thank you. So Jen is still in this cycle. Her storyline hasn't really moved forward because she goes, I'm feeling really distant from Ryan. He walked out, and it was a humiliation. And then he decided to come back the next morning just to yell at me. And then I have to go to work and be a normal person. That's exhausting. Up and down, up and down. It's exhausting. So today, I get up, and the kids go to school.

29:34And I get this, like, random email that the mortgage isn't paid. So I'm like, Ryan, still refusing to say Ryan. I mean, she's a monster. Ryan. I need someone. And then you know what I need? I need someone to be, like, calm and not panicky. so instead he's like oh i just get yoda it's like it triggered something in him oh really oh really you walk in the door after leaving after a fight okay uh okay i'm back why isn't the mortgage paying yeah i yeah i i also if you're marrying also if you're marrying somebody because there's they're paying the mortgage aren't you supposed to pay the mortgage why Why did I marry your rich ass?

30:20I could have gotten a job. You pay the mortgage, Richie. I'm not sure I trust Ryan with any sort of mortgage payment.

30:31So Heather's like, you have to figure out what his language is. And if it's barking like a dog, so be it. So then Shannon. Shut up with your stolen relationship advice that you're trying to peddle on your new show lady. Okay? Ryan's love language is like stop trying to trick me into looking like a terrible husband on camera respect me enough to call me by my made up name and don't make me wear shirts in public boom love language my love language what's yours so then Shannon Shannon Ronnie I'm so mad I hate love language I hate that terminology you just need to learn their love language No, you need to stop being a fucking dick to your partner, okay?

31:18That's my love language. Feed me and shut up. That is a love language. Is that a love language? I'm about to say, there is a love language there. That is a love language. There is a love language. You guys might happen for me. So Shannon chimes in. I have to hire this mic because every time Heather comes on screen, I'm like, Hello. I suddenly have posture. I'm like, well. I know. It's very scary. So Shannon weighs in with her expertise. Well, when David left me, I wrote him a letter. I didn't know where to send it to, of course, because he didn't tell me where he was. But I got a stack of post-it notes and I just wrote David question mark.

32:02And then I went sticking them to every single mailbox in the neighborhood until four days later, he came home and said, what do you want from me, dear?

32:14So, I mean, in the interest of helping you, Jen, I actually brought that letter with me. Oh. Yeah.

32:24Dear David, I hope I'm not interrupting your time with that slut on the beach.

32:32I hope that for that slut's birthday, when she is trying to lose a little weight, You don't take her to a pub With the only low-calorie thing being a steak and potatoes Which she ordered against her will Yeah Maybe she might find that gesture lovely Almost as lovely as getting your wife some sort of demonic bracelet for her birthday one year That was in the shape of a dragon A dragon, David Just so you know Putting it down in writing my love language is not a chandelier that goes up and down with a Bluetooth switch. So, thanks for trying, David. In conclusion, David, I would like you to come back because although here lies Shannon Bedore, I do believe in resuscitation and an afterlife, and I would like to start my afterlife with 30 to 40 negative thoughts instead of 50 to 60.

33:35Like kind of used to Shannon Storms B-Dore, I'm only keeping your name Because our children are named that as well So, take that Thank you, David And he came back He came back So, Jen's like, yeah So, I was trying to like explain to him Via basketball I said, right? Ryan, this is basketball. I'm passing you the ball. And then you're dropping the ball. But you have to, like, throw the ball back to me. Because not only are you dropping the ball, you're walking off the court. And then I have to, like, stay on the court. And win the game alone. Which I will. Jen, stop throwing the ball at the water boy.

34:27That's your problem. She's just the lady that Marv Albert. You picked your own basketball team, and now you're bitching about your basketball team, okay? The coach sucks. The coach sucks at this basketball team. Heather's like, whoa, you know what? You can't win basketball alone. And then Tawny. But she's got a point, you know. And then Tawny goes, Jen, you're going to make me cry. Said no one ever to Jen, to Dr. Jen. I thought it was Tawny, but I wasn't so sure because every time I hear her voice, they show Tawny's face and it's just like this. She's a telepath, yeah. She's just a telepath. So then Heather, of course, uses this as an opportunity to talk about how wonderful her marriage is, right?

35:18Because she's saying, well, you know, Terry's not good at feelings. I mean, we've been together for 25 years. And I swear to God, we all have the same arguments. and he'll go, hey, we've been doing this for 25 years. I know the outcome. And then we see a flashback of the time that he tried to have onion rings at his own party. This is Heather giving how I have a good marriage relationship advice. The clip of David's birthday. Wasn't that his birthday? It was Terry's birthday. That's who I meant. And this is, by the way, this is supposed to be an example of how Terry doesn't have emotions. I was like, Terry doesn't have emotions like the time I told him he couldn't have onion rings.

35:57And he said, I can't? Ooh. Yeah, so she wouldn't let... I think it was his birthday. I'm not sure. Sorry. But I think she wouldn't let him have onion rings on... What is it? Groundbreaking on the new house? No, no, that's another one. No, no, that's where the onion rings... This is the one where she didn't let him have the onion rings. Yeah, it was Vicky's new face party. Vicky's new face party? Oh my God, you guys. This is why I love doing a live show, because you get all the answers. You get all the answers right away. So anyway, so this is his 2019 or whatever, who cares, party. She wouldn't let him have onion rings.

36:30But then they worked on her marriage because Heather knows relationships. Yes. So then she did let him have onion rings. Yes. Because I changed the narrative. Yeah. There were wanted signs at a cowboy party in the dirt of their new house. Yes. That said onion rings. This house was built on onion rings. That's what she's saying. You know what I did? I had a party in the dirt, which is where people who eat things like onion rings gather. And I got him some onion rings, some place called Long Beach. Are there good onion rings in Long Beach? There are poor people there. Wherever there are poors, onion rings will follow.

37:18Was it some sort of circus with tigers jumping through them? I don't even know. I just ordered them and looked the other way when they arrived. So your relationship advice is withhold what the partner wants on their birthday, degrade them for wanting it, and then act like you're doing them a favor when you offer them what they wanted in the first place in a mocking tone at the groundbreaking of the new mega mansion that they're building you. That's actually brilliant. It's kind of brilliant, to be honest. Now that I typed it out, Heather is a fucking Stockholm Syndrome mastermind. Yeah. That's the book I want to buy.

37:56So then Dr. Jen says, oh, because then Heather's like, and then I got, I changed the narrative, and I got some jewelry out of it too. And then Dr. Jen is like, oh, yeah, I got jewelry also, because Ryan, he wears this, like, gold necklace that I make fun of him about all the time. So then he got me a gold necklace. That way I could wear it, and he could make fun of me, but, like, it was also, like, a gift at the same time. And then Tawny goes,

38:19I love humor

38:24She said that? Yes, did you not? She says, I love humor You guys heard her say that, right? I love humor So Heather's like, so when did that happen? And she's like, when I mocked him It's been like four years that I've been mocking him for that necklace No, when did he give you the necklace? Oh, well, like a few weeks ago. And she's like, so you know what that is?

38:53He passed the ball. He passed it back. And Tawny goes, that's true.

39:04And Jen's like, okay, I guess that's true. I'm just like really annoyed with him. So Heather volunteers to be a go-between because she can like help them out and everything. and Jen's like, oh, so you're going to be my mentor? That's amazing. And then it cuts to Shannon and it goes, and Shannon's like, yeah, well, she didn't ask me to be a mentor. I don't know what I'm going to say about that. I mean, I did order a super dirty martini. It was filthy, in fact, but I guess I'll say, what am I a mentor on just relationships? I've been to them all. I know how to wear a sombrero and have Trace Amigas for crying out loud.

39:35I could be a mentor, god damn it. That's fine. That's fine. I'm not jealous. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm so happy. Don't worry about it, guys. I'll do it. I'll be your mentor. I'm going to return to one show to promote another show to help officially ruin your unsavable marriage. So then Heather tells us, I think it would be really helpful to have them be around couples who've navigated the years, the ups and downs in life, and are also very, very wealthy. That will help. And Tawny's like, You know, this is book you need to read. It's called Men Are Like Awfuls, and Women Are Like Spaghetti.

40:26I love a humorous spaghetti. This is a real book, by the way. Did you look it up? Because I looked it up. Has anyone ever heard this book? Apparently it's like a big, like, it's like a pastor wrote it. This is what this show is doing to us this week. So, of course, I went on to Amazon to look at the preview. Did you find Jesus? I'm Christian now. But also, no, it's basically like men are like waffles because men put things in boxes and can only deal with one box at a time. I'm like, why aren't men like a warehouse then? Yeah, a waffle is not like a box, sir. Men are just like boxes. is they work, because when they work, they can just be focused on one box at a time, but women are like spaghetti, and everything that they think about touches everything else they think about, and that's why they can be good moms, and they can listen on the phone, and they can check on their baby at the same time.

41:22Was this Terry Dubrow's first shot at a book? Because it sounds oddly like Terry Dubrow later in the episode, when he's like, a man married to a woman doctor? I know. Huh. He's the one who gets stumped by that riddle where it's like the doctor operated on their own son.

41:48So let's go over to... Ding dong. It's me, Noella. Noella. So Noella goes to visit her friend of Kenny. And I thought what was funny is they don't even bother giving any context to Kenny. We don't find out. She doesn't even get the thing like, oh, Kenny and I go way back. She's just like a really good friend, and I just need her when I need her. They don't even give her anything. It's just this random lady who's like, oh, hello, Nicole. Come on in, Noella. Please, come on in. It's Joanna Krupa. It looks just like her. I think she's Russian, and she's really auditioning for this. So Kenny is like, I'm going to come on show and be the happy one for everything.

42:30Everything you say, happy time for Kenny. because they're like, Ken, she's like, I love humor too. That's Kenny. Kenny's like, we are here to celebrate good news, right? Champagne. And Wella's like, well, I mean, yeah, good thing. Like here, you know, it was our mediation today. So here's to, you know, fighting for my life every hour, every second, every millisecond, every second week. I just want to say this in case I'm stressed so I have to whisper now because I'm very It must be so difficult being that quiet for that long No, mediation not meditation, Kenny, come on, keep up Kenny literally goes Oh, how about meditation?

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45:30Oh, ma 'am, this is Southwest Airlines. Could you please get off of our intercom system? Hi, this is Tammy from Panda Express and Terminal 3. We have a lady behind the counter here we can't get rid of. She says she wants to see someone named James. And Kenny goes, Was it there? Was he there? Did he come to the mediation? Did he come to the mediation?

45:59This is a depressing scene, ma 'am.

46:05So, Dorella's like, well, James ended up FaceTiming in, and we were in two separate rooms, and for him to not show up was gut-wrenching. I had to stand there in the Hudson News by myself for so long, and they don't even sell Entertainment Weekly anymore. I didn't hear his voice. I didn't see him. We were in two separate rooms at the opposite ends of a very long hallway. I couldn't even feel his room. For him to not even show up from Puerto Rico to attend a meeting that he could do over Zoom? God. Wrenching. God.

47:00You know, I went in there and I was like, the golf bag is mine, the golf cart is mine. And I got nothing in response. It was God-wrenching. I mean, all he wanted to discuss was money. I mean, none of the personal things that have happened since we started our deep affair while he was still married to someone else for five years of our relationship. She goes, can you imagine? Kenny's like, we only have five minutes left before his wife gets back, so we should wrap up the scene. Noella has nuts of steel, I gotta say. I stopped myself from saying balls and then chose nuts. Weird inner editor, what can I say?

47:48So then we see Kenny try to drink. She goes.

47:58Rami is doing something phallic with the bottle right now I mean wow Ken that's some orange county lips trying to drink right there and then like in such a like perfectly sad and desperate moment when they get up to go and Kenny's like will you make yourself happy with what you have and Noella's like with great friends like you and Kenny goes I love when you visit me please come back i made this job so badly otherwise back to jamba juice

48:34oh so then we go over okay oh god this show this episode is so good i forgot that there was even this scene in it oh there's still by the way oh my god sir in the front i'm so sorry you're going to be here for 15 more hours. Yeah. This is not going to, this is not ending anytime soon. Everyone settle in. Do what you need to do. Text the babysitter. So, so this is the moment I feel like we've been waiting for all season long. Monster. This is like when Charlize Theron, everyone's like, oh my God, look how gorgeous and wonderful she is. And then she played monster and they were like, I see you now.

49:08Gina, go ahead. Tell them. For me, this is the moment I've been waiting for all season, which is Heather finally going to Gina's house. No, no, rewind. I can't even believe that you're not furious about this. I just gave a monologue about how mad I am. And then you're like, hello, Kate. Oh, I thought you were referring to like. She had took an entire roll of paper towels to smash one little spider on the ground. I know. I was getting to that. I was getting to that. I was. A whole roll of paper towels. It was crazy. Smushed the spider. I know. I hate these California speeders. I hate them. That is paper towel abuse.

49:42How dare you. I know. Abuse paper towels. Those are one of the most important things God has given us. Yeah. Enjoy the awkward rhythm as you pull paper towels off your crushed paper towel cornel. Be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. We all know we've all been there. One of those 19 children is going to come down and wipe their face with spider guts on it because you know that she's going to put that right back up. It's Gina. So that's the name of her sitcom also. It's Gina. It's Gina. I'm just a poor ghoul who was found by a millionaire And may have given a dress up So, uh, so Heather comes in And of course she has a rack Of clothing that she brings in It's just like, I'm rich, you're poor Here I am, you know I didn't know your size So I brought a rack So this isn't Oh, go ahead, sorry I mean, this is interesting because we're gonna do a closet makeover.

50:40I didn't realize we're going to start the tour by walking into the closet. No, this is my house. This isn't your closet. All of this. This is your house. So you live in a closet. No, it's my house. They have kitchens and closets now. It's my house. Heather's so full of shit, too, because there were only two jackets. And she brought an entire rack, and it was covered with this black zipper rack cover thing to act like she brought over all these clothes. You brought two jackets that you got off Amazon, okay? And they weren't even cute. Yeah. So then she's like, all right, do I get a tour? And she's like, yeah, that's the California speeder I just killed.

51:22Okay, first, we need to stop murdering speeders, okay? Speeding is a crime, but it's not punishable by death. Also, this giant clock in your foyer is freaking me out. But that clock, was that like Gina's way of trying to like, you know, like look a little smaller or something? Like that clock was enormous. Gina loves a big clock. That clock. I feel like when Gina first came on the show, she had all the Gina decor. Everything was like, gather, bless this house, live, love, love. And then it all disappeared. And I was like, well, maybe she moved on. But that clock was like, oh, she just, she has like a little cubby hole that she puts it away when the camera's gone.

52:00Once you go home goods, you never go back. Okay. I don't care. You know there's always a big clock somewhere. So she starts giving Heather this tour, and Heather's like, oh, so this little room, what are those holes in the tile there? She's like, those are bathroom sinks. Oh! I didn't realize that they made those in this material. Whatever that, is that cardboard? It's like, that's a kid's bedroom. No, that's a kid's bathroom. Which kid? All of the kids. Now, where is the movie theater, though? So all of them, you mean all of them who make fun of the kid who has this terrible bathroom? Or, no, all of the kids use this same bathroom.

52:48She's like... Does this door lead to your subterranean basketball court by any chance? All right, here's another room. Oh, how fun. Is that a dog crate? it's a it's a bunk bed what's a bunk? is that a kind of dog? is that where you put your china? you put china in a bunk bed? I don't understand it really Heather's like wow a bunk bed just amazing to me that six dogs share this same bed

53:32so then there's like one of those little door you know the tiny doors which is like i guess the attic but not in the attic what do you call that it's like an under the stairs door but there's no crawl space it's like uh yeah so yeah they go to the closet and all this time heather's been very polite she's like oh love it oh i love i love the way that you're so efficient with this but this is lovely. And then she walks in the closet and she goes, holy shit, oh my god. I cannot do this any longer. She, like, bends down and gets into it. She goes, ooh, it's scary in here. There's claws. She just comes in in a full hazmat suit.

54:15The smallness. I can't have the smallness touch me. Well, she's not getting away from it, because next step is Gina's prom dress. Oh my god. God. I have to say, I think I was... I think I was largely on Heather's side during the rest of this scene. I mean, Gina, I don't care where you're from, what decade it is. That looks like you got a cut and didn't put a Band-Aid on it. And then, like, two weeks later, it turned into gel, you know? It was like mustard melted on her. And mustard's already a liquid, but it, like, melted on her. and there was like an attached scarf with fringe. It was like yellow and black and red.

54:59So Heather's like, Gina doesn't understand her personal style.

55:07Well, that's one way to put it. So she says that she wants to help Gina dress young and edgy. I'm like, you were just in a restaurant with a gigantic LV. Who are you? When I think of young and edgy, I always think of Heather Dubrow. Always. Every time. I have many children of the LGBTQ community. I'm young and edgy. You know, she's got some nice pieces in her closet, but you just can't see them. They're just shoved in there with blobby silhouettes and lottery tickets. Just waiting for Shannon Bedore's head to pop out. He's in my family of something. I could be helping with the wardrobe, too. I just want to put that out there.

55:49if anyone needs me. I am a good friend for Gina. I was her friend first. No, okay. Shannon's head popping out from the tiny door. Excuse me. Maybe you could have a sequined green jacket that you could wear on St. Patrick's Day and say tap of the morning to ya.

56:07So Gina now brings out her wedding dress, which, you know, is like, you're not supposed to make fun of people's weddings. LOL. It's terrible. It's also terrible. So then Heather, you know, Heather's like, so how many homes have you moved this dress into? And do we clarify that the box does not count as a home, correct? That box is like a giant cake box from Jersey. I got, oh God, I want cake. So Gina has her like, well, I wanted to give it to my kids because I thought that, you know, maybe they wouldn't wear it. No, they definitely wouldn't wear it. Okay. I don't even know your children. But I can promise you, no one's going to wear this.

56:52Let's burn it. She's like, no, but I mean, I know that they weren't going to wear it, but, you know, I was hoping one day that they would grow up and they would see, and they would be like, I don't know, like make something out of it, like a clock or something, a big clock. And then Gina says her tagline, and that makes me sad. Well, what if you do something fabulous with it? Give it to an unfortunate person. I'm sorry, a more unfortunate person. I have a great idea. What if we do something absolutely wonderful with it? Let's burn it. Yeah. So then Emily is in the backseat with all of her kids, which I think is like the title of her relationship.

57:46Yeah. So she's back there, and they're coming back from the baptism reception, which, thank you, church. Yeah, thank you for not allowing cameras. We can just go directly to the reception where we have, out of nowhere, a cameo from Lizzie. Lizzie. Lizzie's there. They give her a lot of respect. Yeah. You never see her or hear from her again. No. She just smiles and moves on. So then Emily was talking, she starts talking about how Annabelle was getting ready in the morning and Emily starts crying again. So all her girlfriends are there, right? And so she's like, you know, hold on, girls. I'm going to have a moment with Shane, who's an amazing, amazing husband.

58:30She's like, Shane, you really made me cry. I mean, I didn't even know you were going to do a blessing. Did you write that down? And he's like, no.

58:42The California State Bar wrote it for me, and so it just... It was from the heart, you know. You get up there and the spirit just takes over and that's it. And she's like, you feel like someone's telling you what to say? King of God, Castle! God just has the worst sense of humor ever. God has been telling Shane what to say this whole time. I know. I just, the idea of like Shane, having the spirit taking over Shane, I can imagine going from like, hi, I'm Shane Simpson. Oh, the spirit just took over me. Happy baptism. Whoa, that was a lot. She's like, in 13 years, that was the only, only the second time I've ever seen you cry.

59:35And I didn't even have to take your chocolate milk away this time. And he goes, yeah. And she goes, I think she's trying to make him cry or something. She goes, thanks for being such a good dad. you're a good man Shaney Brown you're a good man the way you sit there and not talk and stare judgmentally and not talk some more you're a good man Shane and he goes shut up you shut up someone just over there like I love Shane over and over I love you I love you that was a shut up with love sorry I get very upset when my housewives are on, okay? Don't bother mom doing her stories. Really, sorry. That was so harsh.

1:00:33Sorry, okay? Nose goes. Sorry. So Emily is like, yeah, I picked the best dad for my kids. And he goes, yeah, your dress is really uneven right here. I know. Well, my boobs are uneven. One's bigger than the other. And he goes, we need to make them both big.

1:00:58Is that a king? I can't tell. It's like a king of mad chasm. We're in god chasm. Okay, it's all god chasm now. So outside, she's sitting with the lady. And now it's time to talk shit with Gina, right? Yeah. So Gina's over there. I think she's wearing a hat. Or maybe that's just in my mind. but I think she's wearing a big, like, Kyle Richards hat from Forever 21. And I'm not sure I didn't write it down. So they're talking about, Emily's basically like, oh, she's in a yellow snakeskin dress. She loves her yellow terrible pattern. Yeah, exactly. So now it's time, like, you know, to celebrate this baptism, we're going to talk shit about Shannon Bedore.

1:01:34So Emily's like, so you're going to New York soon, huh? Hey, remember how you told me you thought Shannon was jealous of your relationship with Heather? Well, Gina's like, you told it, didn't you? Yeah. I told her. I told her. And Gina goes, well, this isn't my first day of high school. I know when I say something to Emily that it's going to get back to Shannon. And I'm not going to lie and say that I'm above it and didn't want to take that shot. Yeah, Gina's ready. And then she gives this big smile to us. And I'm like, okay, I take everything back I said about your wedding dress. Welcome to the table, Gina.

1:02:16I feel like Gina has been like sort of stuck having to be Shannon's friend for the past few years and now she finally has like an option and so she's like ready to like jump ship, right? She has a rich friend now. She has a rich friend. She's Heather. She has a friend who comes by with pink jackets. Yes. So Emily's like, Yeah, well, she said that you really like to toot your own horn and talk about yourself. Emily, Emily! She never said that. She never said that. She needs to pop her bubble. I also don't know what horn Gina is tooting, to be honest. But Gina is like, Well, you know what? I like to talk about myself a lot.

1:02:54You know what? Now she's starting to really piss me off. For one of our friends to try to take that away from me. And that's what you get about who I am. Really? Everything? That's your takeaway? That I talk about myself too much? You don't fucking know me at all. Fuck Shannon. Okay, I've been divorced. I have kids. I have a small house. We're trying to get into a bigger house. You're doing it again. You're talking about yourself. Oh, really? Oh, sorry. It's like, Gina, all you do is talk about yourself and say you feel sad. So then, um, Shannon and John coming on a date, holding hands. Hmm, I wonder where we're gonna go eat.

1:03:30Oh, here's a place. How romantic. Oh, my God. This is where John and I can drink together and not say anything of importance. Okay. The Quiet Woman. Here we go. Back to The Quiet Woman. Shannon just loves women. This is true. You know, when you wait tables, they're like, remember people's names. They love that. And they sure do. I mean, Jesus Christ, how much money does Shannon spend? I mean, I know she gets to shoot there for free, but she goes there all the time. She's always on Instagram like, here's me at The Quiet Woman. You want to say anything, Sean? He's like, hello, Shannon. She's like, oh, yes.

1:04:08You're so regular. Is it fun? I'm going to have Casamigos with some lime You know, the usual Thanks, Julius Well, my name's Robert, but anyway, bye So they start talking about How she got news from the doctor That her libido might be low And she's like, that's ridiculous My libido being low I mean, let me tell you something Both John and I have said to each other That we've never experienced this level of Intimacy with another partner I mean, just the other night we watched Antiques Roadshow together. I mean, that was intimate. And I hate to argue with kind of doctor or whoever Shannon goes to see.

1:04:51But the doctor tells her, I say kind of because it's like Shannon, you know, it's like a healthy, yes. So she goes to see this doctor and the doctor is like, listen, you're not metabolizing food properly. and that's going to give you problem with sex. That's some bullshit. I don't think I've ever metabolized a full calorie. I'm horny all the time. I got bullshit. I don't believe anyone on Vanderpump Rules eats and they're having babies left and right.

1:05:30So they moved the discussion over, of course, to Gina. So, you know, Now that we're talking about how intimate we are and how much we love each other, Gina, what a bitch. So, Gina. You know, I had the girls over for my brunch, and at one point, Heather brought up Gina's health care. Oh, her skin care. Her real health care. Gina's health care. I'm concerned about her PPO.

1:05:58I certainly hope that she at least has health care.

1:06:09Oh, God. You know, like, we laugh now, but, like, in, like, two years, there's probably going to be some sort of, like, Heather Dubrow commercial that's like, how is your health care? Hi, I'm Heather Dubrow from Television's Orange County. The Heather Dubrow health care. I laugh at this, but my friends have totally had that conversation with over and over. It's like, hey, hey, cheers. Cheers. Cheers, everybody. My friend's like, Ronnie, you have health care yet? Out of all of us, you need health care the most. Would you get some health care? I'm like, no. No, don't need it. Hmm. So Shannon's basically like, well, I just don't know where to go with my friendship with Gina.

1:06:50I mean, I'm confused. Oh, this is where windshield wipers are coming out. We haven't seen them a lot this season. Last season was all the windshield wipers, but this season they've been pretty chill. But now she's like, I'm confused. I don't know. I'm confused. as to some of her statements, windshield wipers going towards you, and judgments that are coming from, because I believe they're coming from arrogance. Big windshield wiper on that one. Arrogance. Arrogance. I will wave in a plane if you let me do this any further. Arrogance. Arrogance. And so I'm like, that is beyond mean. It's cruel. And I don't know where she gets off trying to make Shannon B.

1:07:29Dorr look like Shannon B. Dorr has no friends. I hate to bring up love language again But I just dissed love language That is Shannon's love language You're right And your name is Shannon Bedore She's like I have so many friends Hi, how are you? It's a potted plant, isn't it? It is I love humor It's Tawny I know I'll be your friend Kenny just bashes her No it's me for friend So she got John to be all pissed He's like who does she think she is I know So then Here we go Heather Dubrow and Terry It's the dinner party Heather and Terry Oh my god It's actually the pre-dinner party It's Heather and Terry doing a walkthrough to make sure everything's okay.

1:08:32Listen, this is very last minute. Very last minute party. Very, very last minute. She goes into the kitchen. There's two chefs, ten cater waiters. An entire staff. Like, Nobu is closed for the night because she hired all the waiters. I'm going to check the glassware, everybody, just to make sure that you idiots did it right this time. Okay? And she tells us, having a party like this is like directing a production. It's just so last minute. you know, I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry that this is, it's just a little simpler than what I like to normally do. And then we see the table setting and there's like little crystals and there's like miniatures, like little animals doing Cirque du Soleil, animals Cirque du Soleil.

1:09:12And there's like sparklers and whimsy. There's printed menus from not even the Kinkos because I didn't even recognize that font. No. It was like papyrus or whatever it's called. What is it called? Anyway. And then she's like, oh, you know, the party favors aren't even that good this time. and then they show two giant wrapped gifts. They're like wrapped in golden wrapping paper for each. They're literally human souls. She's like, I bought everyone a soul. So then, so then, and then she, and then Terry is like. Little pieces of Gina's wedding dress. She just.

1:09:52So then Terry goes, wow, that looks like flowers under glass. What is that? She goes, it's flowers under glass. This menu, this menu is in the wrong order. This menu says chopped salad, and then it says amuse-bouche. The amuse is first. And Terry goes, it is? Huh. Terry, an amuse-bouche is always first. That's the point of an amuse-bouche. It's a delight to the mouth. It's French. Huh. She goes, and look, onion rings. He goes, oh, onion rings. Huh. Wow. Yeah, I just wanted Jen to see that we're happy and very, very, very rich. We're rich. We're so carefree. We're so carefree. A miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss, a miss.

1:10:49So then we go to Jen and Ryan in their car. Oh, my God. You know what Ryan looks like? Ryan looks like one of those kids who doesn't realize he's being sent to like bad kids camp. Like he thinks he's going to like the mall and his mom is dropping him off so he has to go into the wilderness for two weeks. He's like, when are we going to be there? Almost Ryan, almost. This isn't the mall. He's always looking for the exit even in a car. He's like and he's like licking his lips like His tongue just sticks out of his mouth, like on the top of his lips. He has a little...

1:11:34So she's like, don't worry, Ryan. You can just talk about superficial stuff, like sports and stuff all night. He's like, sports aren't exactly superficial. They're a metaphor for life. When are we getting to Topgolf? She's like, I know. It's like the metaphor I gave you the other day, remember? Dropping the ball. So they pull up to security, and Jen has to, like, check in. And he's so confused. I don't think he's ever seen a security guard before. He's like, what's happening? He's like, it's a gated community.

1:12:11And then she really blows his mind because she goes, it's a double gate. That was the first gate. He goes, wait, there were gates back there? There were more? Come on, Ryan. We're trying to be on your side here, but... She's like, no, Ryan. There are more gates. No, sorry. No, Ryan. There are more gates ahead of us, okay? And then she tells us, Ryan has no idea what he's getting himself into. I just told him we were going to dinner. And then she goes, it's a gated community in a gated community. And he goes, seems repetitious.

1:12:51He didn't think he could say, sounds like a couple of assholes to me on national television. So, repetitious worked. I got it. So then Heather and Terry doing their last minute preps. Listen, we're going to preempt last minute, but we're going to do it in a shadow scene in front of our window that overlooks the entire earth. Yeah. Terry, Terry, go check yourself out in that strange mirror that's in the shape of an obelisk. Why do they have that mirror? It was literally like an Egyptian obelisk, but it's a mirror. And Jerry's checking himself out, and he can only see his nose down to his triangle.

1:13:29It's so bizarre. And then he feels back, and he's like, huh, hey, I have a label on my jacket still. Isn't this how you show you're successful? We just saw a Gina scene with all of Gina's labels still on her clothes. Heather's like, give me that jacket. She's cutting it up, throwing every little piece into the fire. So Jen and Ryan are at the front door of this huge, fake, you know, chateau. And Ryan's, like, looking, and he's, like, stupefied, and then he just goes, why couldn't the dog have come? He was going to bring the chihuahua to a dinner party. And Jen's like... Do we ring? Do we ring?

1:14:07Do we just go in? And she goes, I mean, you just, you never know. And he goes, who doesn't like that door? No, you don't go in. When the door is as tall as the city mall, no, you don't just walk into that house. There are probably automatic little guns hooked to little cameras. If Gandalf the wizard is standing in front of those doors, you do not pass. Can you imagine working for Amazon and having to go to fucking Heather's house? Oh my God, gate through the gate, through the guns on the doors. so the so they welcome they welcome uh that they they come in the doors open and heather and terry i'm getting overwhelmed in emotion guys seems repetitious so the door is open and thank god someone on twitter mentioned this they're like be sure to listen for this and i did because they welcome them in they walk in and then the door closes and the door literally goes,

1:15:06it's like, the most scary door closed ever. Defeated. So, they go in, and they get the wait, someone's asking, is it a waiter? No, no, no, because I'm a down-to-art, edgy girl. I ask questions, I ask if my guests want something to drink. I'm edgy. I guarantee you, a waiter died this night, by the way. Okay? Where's the waiter to ask about the drinks? So she goes, Who wants a drink? I'm going to do a floppy point. Who wants a drink? This is my rich, but I'm still down with the people because I'm flopping my pointy finger now instead of pointing it. Who wants a drink? Champs, vodka, what do you want?

1:15:54Anything. I've got everything. I've got vodka growing in the backyard. That's how rich I am. And Ryan's like, I'll just have some water, please. And she goes, oh, okay, do you like ice with that? And Terry goes, yeah, would you like some vodka or gin with that?

1:16:12Oh,

1:16:20just some off-the-cuff moments from us, the DeBros. I mean, Ryan has never had a sip of alcohol in his life. So Terry, normally this is when I feel like when someone says that to me, I normally go, oh, okay, cool. And you just sort of zip it, because you don't know what story is behind that. But Terry goes, oh, okay, well, first question. Are you a Mormon? Alcoholic? And Ryan's like, oh, yeah, those are always the first questions. And Terry goes, I mean, huh, not even a taste. Huh. Ryan's like, nope. marijuana, cocaine, heroin nope, nope, amuse-bouche nope, I mean that, nope Heather's like, come sit on our awkwardly sized velvet booth against a gigantic wall there's this weird foyer area there's a weird foyer seating area there's like this little, I don't know, little thing also, Ryan's really playing up the Beverly Hillbillies sing way too much because he's like, well, okay, a booth and then they bring him some water and he goes, that's the tap water, right?

1:17:28Oh, okay. You can't even have filtered water. Got it. Got it, Ryan. And then Jen is also excessively kind of like babying him or mothering him or whatever it is. He's just like, are you okay? Are you okay? He's like, great. He goes, a little strange having shoes on. And then we look at his shoes. and there were like black dress shoes with black nike ankle length socks with the nike logo right over the tongue of the shoes and honestly it was so worth it to see heather look down there it was like heather thought nothing could get worse than gina's closet she was like oh oh she goes and she goes i love the socks though she can't even And he's like, I don't wear shoes often.

1:18:21And Terry goes, wow.

1:18:26It was literally like an 80s comedy. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I mean, was everyone else cringing as much as I was at this moment? Because I was like, oh, thank you, bravo. So Heather's like, okay, you know what? Jen, Jen and I are going to go to the kitchen to check on the 30 employees doing everything for me very last minute. Jen! Yeah, that's the thing. When you have all that staff, you don't have the excuse that you're going to check on the food. So Jen is like, she goes, well, it's really fun to see him in workout socks and clothes. I feel like we're at our wedding.

1:19:09The funny thing is I don't think she was kidding. No. You know that happened in like the living room With just the two of them And like a web TV preacher Web TV So then Heather's being all nice Like let's go check in on the food And then she finds like a waiter or something And she's like let's check in on the food I want to make sure that someone's always serving something Come through Someone needs to keep coming through Someone needs to be Always offering There are four people here A-B-O will always be offering. So Terry and Ryan go downstairs and Jen's like, oh my god, I mean, Ryan seems to be doing good.

1:19:53He hasn't burped out God Bless America yet, so.

1:20:00Knock on wood. They're acting like Ryan is on his first day of kindergarten. So now Terry takes Ryan down to his bar down. It's like a weird fun house or something down there. And Terry's like, Ryan's like, looking out of the lights. No drinking. No drugs at all. Huh. And Ryan's like, nope, a lot of sports, a lot of gambling. Ah, gambling. Terry's so happy. He's like, listen, brother, like, this backdoor pilot's not going to work unless you give me something to work with, huh? Oh, okay, give me advice for crying out loud. So what's your game? And he's like, I played poker for a living until the kids were born, and I've never really had a job.

1:20:54And Tori's like, so you do more kid stuff than she does, huh? Come on, come on, right? And he's like, that would be fair to say. Wow, I mean, it's kind of an interesting role reversal. I can't imagine as a guy being married to a doctor. She married the perfect person. What is that like? Woman doctor, no comprend, I don't understand. Lady who goes to school gets doctor degree. Weird. do you just keep getting your breasts removed as they keep trying to grow in because this doesn't no compute and Ryan of course thinks it's a compliment he's like yeah you should mention that to her you should mention that to her so so here I'm thinking this is just going to be an awkward dinner double date between the Dubros and the Dr.

1:21:58Jens and then it's like, oh shit, Heather is going in for the kill now because Anne Walk, Nancy and Mike Bellow, the official rich friends of Orange County, these are the people who own a vineyard and they just exist to be rich. And they're there to give Heather and Terry more rich. It's Mario Singer and some lady. Like Diane Rich. And so they come in and Nancy goes up to Jen and she goes, oh hi Jen. Jen, do you need some more champagne? There is a waiter. I swear to God, there's a waiter strung up in the backyard. No, yeah, he's done. And so Nancy says, Jen, what's your husband's name? And she goes, rind like an orange rind.

1:22:43And Nancy goes like this. It was amazing. She goes like this.

1:22:51She's like, I'm too rich to be bothered with this right now. Please. Answer the question. Rind, orange, rind. Please. Heather, thanks for inviting the performance artist. This is going to be a great night. Heather is like, yeah, these are my best friends, you know? And look, here's another couple. This one's Sarah. She's rich, but also very down to earth. And Sarah's one of those California ladies. She's like, guys, smell me. I got this sent from a gas station in Maui. I'm like, oh, wow, a gas station in Maui. Fuck off to you too, Sarah. So they all sit down at the table, and Ryan's, you know, just like, like looking around.

1:23:49He's trying to figure it all out. and um and jen says ryan can act very aloof in social situations and people take it as arrogance i'm like i don't think people take it as arrogance it's so hard to tell with people who don't speak and just look blankly you know because you don't know if they're a jerk or if they're an abuser like come on i mean at this point i'm like not I just mean like a terrible man or like they're like secretly like hilarious or is he rich? Like you just never know. Don't be blank. That's why labels are important. Okay? This is how I walk in. My name is Ronnie. I'm a podcaster.

1:24:28I'm a homosexual. Anybody? And it works. Crowd of people around him. I vape too much. Anybody else? Anybody else? Who to smoke with and who to fuck by the end of the night. So this is Heather's inner monologue. as they approach the table, are they going to notice the menu? Will they notice the menu? The moose-bouche is out of place. The moose-bouche is out of place. The moose-bouche, the moose-bouche. And then all of a sudden she goes, the moose-bouche is supposed to be the first, but that's fine. Like, no one cares. But she's like, guys, there's an elephant in the room. I know, we can all address it.

1:25:01The moose-bouche, it's second on the menu. I apologize. There, we said it. But you know Nancy cared. You know she did. You know she saw that menu and was like... She's like... Did orange rind put that there? I'm sorry. It's so good. It's like a laugh, a laugh vomit. So Terry's like, so is that the truth that the amuse goes first? And Jane goes, um, I mean, I don't know what that is.

1:25:39Dancy's about to do a spit take all over the place. And she goes, do you know what it is, Ryan? And he goes, um, it's like too hard to explain. And she goes, oh yeah, it's too hard to explain to you little people. Like, yes, now you're mocking the rich people. I love this! But I love the idea that it's like too hard. It's like a bite. It's literally a bite. So now, one of my favorite parts of the episode, hey, can you scoot your chair angulated towards me? Okay. A little bit. A little bit. Can you go a little bit towards a little bit a little bit can you scooch can you just do this? Can you pretend that we're married and just scooch?

1:26:18Can you scooch? Can you just scooch Ryan Ryan and we're in front of people can you just scooch? Angle no angle you're going the wrong angle other way to your right this way Angle towards towards the toy towards the toy Can you just... No.

1:26:43Here. Stop. Set. Set. Okay, good job. Good job. Here you go.

1:26:57Nancy's like... Barplack. So Heather's like, So... Jen is hammered. And the more hammered she gets, the more introverted Ryan Ryan gets. This is bad. This is bad. Hey, let's do... It's what time is it? It's toast time. It's toast time. Okay. Just looked at my watch. I've got three out of four of my toastivity rings. Okay, let's go. Let's go. We're going to get there. Let's do a toast. We're going to get there. Let's do a very non-vulgar, lovely, sophisticated toast. I got something. I got one. I got one. Two women's underwear may not be the best thing in the world, but it's the closest thing to a...

1:27:51a dancy.

1:27:55I never... So everyone's kind of confused.

1:28:04So Heather goes, bon appétit.

1:28:10This is your amuse and it's onion soup, which, you know, speaking of healthy relationships, who doesn't want to make out later with someone who just ate onion soup? And Ryan, just so you know, this is an amuse-bouche and an onion soup, not a chopped salad, even though the chopped salad is first on the menu. I apologize again. so a mario singer tries to make small talk because this is just awkward super rich person small talk he's like so guys we bought this new condo i was like will people like it will they not like it i mean i like it nancy doesn't know if people are gonna like it i mean who's gonna like it it's a condo no bought it own it so it's such a small world you know paul and i we went to the same high school, same private high school.

1:29:00This is Jen drunk cam while he talks. Yeah, so we both went to the same private high school. He wound up going to Vassar. I actually wound up going to Amherst. We reconnected afterwards. We're at the club. I saw him, and I was like, love the boat shoes. They're doing all this funny drunk cam. So then, it's time to eat. The main course. we've had our mousse bouche in the wrong place on the menu we've had our chopped salad and now the entree everyone takes out their napkins it's a steak with onion rings and Ryan's like Ryan's like

1:29:43puts a

1:29:48puts a big ass napkin right in his collar

1:29:55and And Heather, I wish I could put a microphone up to my eyeballs because her eyes just go like this.

1:30:06And Jen's like, can you just put that down, Ryan? Just put it down. He's like, but she always says I don't have manners. You know, his inner thoughts like, this is manners, right? He's like, I don't want to dirty my shirt. The shirt. because you know it's not one of the shirts it's it's the shirt it's but by the way it's also a black shirt it could take it could take some money to ring it's that same black shiny short polo shirt it's like you get from costco it's the kirkland shirt i own it and i wear it all the time listen i i am like ryan simple well i'm not quiet or dumb but i'm similar in the dress sense i wear that shirt everywhere.

1:30:52I almost packed it this trip until I watched that episode. I wish you had. I wore leather Crocs until last year. And the only reason I don't was because they were so worn out, rain was coming through the bottom part. So, I get you, man. That's my point. So they're all just like staring at this napkin as it comes down. They're like, uh, and Heather is like, what are we protecting? The one shirt? So then, And so they just all kind of like try to push it out of their minds. And Mike starts talking about how he's been married to Nance, old Nance over here for 40 years. And Jen goes, that's super rad, by the way.

1:31:34That's super rad. Super rad. Super rad. So Heather's like, okay, now that we've heard from my much richer friends who have stayed married, I just want to say none of this is easy. but it's worth working for e-television tomorrow night, don't forget to watch it. And Jen goes, right, right, right. Ryan, just nod and smile. And Ryan nods and then Mario Singer gives him a thumbs up like, you can do it, buddy. So one of the guests goes, yeah, you know what my dad says the secret to marriage is? He says he wakes up every morning and then turns to my mom and says, sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

1:32:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So then that guy Paul, he goes, so how did you dum-dums meet? And she's like, oh, well, we met at a breakfast buffet. He had white Louis Vuitton sunglasses on, and I thought, who the fuck does that at a breakfast buffet? Am I right, motherfuckers? So. I'm going to date that guy. At first you think she's dissing his Louis Vuitton sunglasses, but then she's like, I'm going to date him. And then you called me four weeks later. What? You cruise the guy at the Hyatt Place breakfast buffet. Fucked him. You know that all of them at the table are like, what is a buffet?

1:33:13Been there. So then Terry goes, so how long was it before you, how long were you dating before you proposed? And Jen goes, oh, well, we had children before we got married. And then I got a job offer at Harvard. I mean, it's freaking Harvard. Okay. And I'm not, and I'm like, I'm not going to give up my career for any freaking man, even though we have three children together that came out of the best thing in life. I'm talking about vaginas, right? It's fucking Harvard, am I right, Nance? High five, Nance. And then Ryan, remember, Ryan? You started sweating and then you just pulled out a ring and he's like, handing her a ring.

1:34:01She's like, no, Ryan, I'm telling a story. Put the onion ring down, Ryan. Put it down. And Mario goes, oh, that's cool. that that is cool right guys that's a cool story and then Heather goes okay so Ryan what's your side of the story he goes uh just go with that one but okay we're trying to shoot a pilot here for our show on E what did you think about that moment uh which what she said. And Terry goes, wow, I mean, I think we have to swear the witness in, am I right, everyone? And Mike, the Marius singer, is like, no, no, no, I want to hear his side of the story. And Jane goes, oh, remember, Ryan, you had all those plans like at the Ritz-Carlton and all that.

1:35:01I said, I want to hear from Ryan. What happened, here's what happened, I freaked the fuck out, all right, That's what happened. Jen, if you ever interrupt me again, you will lose a lot more than this dinner party. So she's like, Heather. Heather's like, go ahead. You've got the floor. And Ryan's just red, like shaking, not answering. And so he says again, I'm just going to go with what she said. And Heather goes, hmm. And there we are. containing the rage, containing the rage. Just solved it. Just solved it. So then Jen goes, well, Ron, do you remember that that was actually the proposal? He goes, yep.

1:35:53He does a lot of like that lip over the bottom of his, top lip over the bottom, going over his bottom lip, which shows that like he's containing rage too. Like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So this is totally awkward and everyone's like, oh my God, is he terrified of Jen? Like, what's going on with this guy? So then Jen, just in case you guys were afraid that Jen is controlling, Jen's like, can you give me love? I mean, Ryan. And he's like. And starts rubbing her back. No, he starts. And he starts rubbing her back. She goes, no, no, like we're married. Do it again. But like now, do it like we're married.

1:36:30And he goes, yes, later. No, no. Show me love like we're married, you know? And then she goes, Heather D, Heather D, I'm sorry, I'm totally condesoring everything. Yeah. It's in front of me on a drinking scale right now. This wine is fantastic, by the way. You know, like, Meyersinger and Nancy, who make the wine, are like, we don't need the fucking poor person to tell us that. Isn't that fantastic? So then Jan's like, I love you, Ryan. I love you. This is great wine. She just keeps drinking. And it gets more and more. This is really good wine. It's really good, by the way. It's really good wine.

1:37:18Hey, Ryan. No. I fucking love you. I love you. I'm going to. I fucking. You need to quit drinking. Where? Huh? You need to quit drinking. No. Quit drinking. Huh? So he's standing up. No, but he has good wine. He has good wine, though. So he's hovering. And then Ryan just leaves and goes and sits on a chair in the hallway and starts swiping on his phone. and like, fuck this. So then, uh, so then Terry's like, okay, all right, well, let's just do a toast to close out this evening. Excuse me. Toast. Toast. Should we do a toast? I want more toast. Nose goes toast. Okay. All right. So then it's time for the drunkies, or the drunky lady to leave.

1:38:07So she can barely walk out, you know. So Heather's like, oh, you know, they're lovely. I'm so glad they shared. So then in the car with Jen and Ryan, Jen's like, dude, awesome. You did so awesome. You know what? Do you want to just pat my head while I'm on your lap? No, Ryan, like this. Like, I'm on your lap. He's like, so bro, how often do you work out? He's like talking to the driver. and then back in the house where the rich people are, now that Jen and Ryan have left, Nancy is so like that rich lady who goes he's very shy he's very shy so cute and adorable and shy I do cardio sir, how much?

1:38:53like 45 minutes in the morning sir before you eat can you put your arms around me? it's like later, later so back with Heather and Terry, Heather's like They're nice, aren't they? So sweet. Terry goes, let's be honest. They're a mess.

1:39:17And Heather goes, don't say that.

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