#3466 ( REPOST) RHOLondon Part 1: Dental Damned

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1:28It's when there's so much that crappens.

1:58is Mr. Sir Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Hello, Mistress Rondle Karam. Mistress Rondle Karam. So, first of all, join us on Monday nights for whatever activity we're doing. We have to look. Everyone was saying so many good things about it. And I have to say, I've only watched one episode. I love it. I love it. I love it too. It's so good. Bravo needs to import this right away. this needs to be on Bravo or Peacock, like whatever, get this to America because this is already such a top tier Real Housewives. Like it is so good. And the fact that Bravo like spent two years filling around with Dubai, which admittedly I really liked the second Dubai season, but like the fact that they went there instead of like going to the posh capital of London, I mean, Dubai is posh, but London is posh with a capital P.

2:55I mean, that's where posh is from. so it's like a waste of opportunity get this on right away because they did ladies of london and that didn't really work out that that was done for london you know and i i don't like it and i love that this show came back and they took a lot from ladies of london you know they did the god save the queen they didn't do the song but they did actually have a title thing that came up that said god save the queens which is very you know ladies of london god says the queen god save the queen and guess what the queen is me but this one did really go back to those roots and we had some songs like you know I'm a girl and that's why cause I'm a girl I'm a glamorous girl you know which is our favorite like Trixie Monocle stuff like back to just girl power songs making no sense other than just being like I've got boobs cause I'm a girl I've got lips cause I'm a girl I'm a girl.

3:55Love an I'm a girl song. Love it. And the show literally steals from Ladies of London. Juliette Angus is an actual cast member. But what I actually kind of loved, what was so hilarious, is that in this first episode, they're like, let's leave the American off. Okay, let's not force her on our British audience just yet. Like, Juliette was the tacky-ass American on Ladies of London. And from what we can tell, she's going to be the tacky-ass American on this show, too. And they're like, let's establish our brand as being, you know, wealthy and impressive and aspirational before we like shock all the Brits with Juliette Angus.

4:33Well, from what I've read is she doesn't even come in till way late. I don't think she's in the first few episodes at all. So she must have been a later edition. At first I was like, why not? Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. I was just going to say there's this woman, I think Kate or Katie, who it seems to be a friend of. And she's in the later on in the episode when they when the cast is down and has their argument. She's there. And I almost wondered, was she supposed to be a cast member? And then they swapped her out with Juliette later. That was my suspicion. Go on. Oh, I don't know. But I loved her.

5:03I loved her, too. She looked like she looked like and just like Chiv Roy. Yeah. Here's the thing. I what I was going to say is I was kind of I was like, why wouldn't you bring some of the London ladies back? Because, I mean, come on, Caroline. I know that Caroline's in Dubai, but she'll always move back for a TV show. And we do see her in some upcoming clips. So she's going to at least guest star. But some of those ladies were great. And I would love them back on my TV. But then I saw these ladies. And I was like, these are actually really good. They're all crazy. And I love that they're all older.

5:37They're pretty much all older, which I really liked. They're all completely crazy. They all dress crazy. They've all got all this money all over the place. And it is kind of a return to form of the original Housewives. And you can tell that it's like, let's take this property and make it our own. But they're still having to do like the formulaic things like, oh, the glamour. It's all the cars and the money and the jewels and the purses. It's just so cheesy and great. It feels like a throwback. Yeah, I mean, there was part of me that thought, wouldn't it be funny if they brought Caprice back and put her on this show?

6:10But it's for the best. I mean, and Juliet will be a great heel because she's just going to be so awful and embarrassing. And it's great that they have Caroline Stanbury. Caroline Stanbury is like a plug and play, you know, like let's help out a new show kind of thing. She just always pops up. And in fact, I would be happy if they slowly layer her in and just make her part of the show just because I just need more Caroline Stanbury in general. But this show was great. And it also had all the things you want from a Real Housewives show. It was campy. It was delusional. I mean, you have a, um, a giant party, a climactic party in the episode to celebrate international women's day, women supporting women.

6:49And it's a whole bunch of poor women serving rich women. That's what the entire thing was. I was like, this is amazing. Let's gather here to celebrate all these poor people who get to serve us caviar. And then you also have a dentist fight. I mean, that was actually breaking new ground. I've been fighting about child's dentistry, but that was pretty good. Yeah. So yeah. and just the whole like oh i'm gonna have a women's international women's oh okay okay that's your first party but it's in her home with pictures of herself everywhere and it's all branded with all of her you know her face products crap it's like oh okay we're selling we're branding our international women's day are we i loved it yeah it was great absolutely really wonderful um all right well let's let's get in as as any new show you know we get a lot of quick cuts in the beginning with a bunch of people we don't know yet so it's very like um the girl i'm a girl who's a queen and a lot of little snippets like oh london is the capital of the world the world Gold.

7:58London is just so pretty. It's a sea where dreams come true, where the streets are paved with gold. London's just so pretty. I would love it if just like someone just kept saying, London's so pretty. London is just so pretty. And then we see Juliet. And by the way, there's two Juliettes on this show. There's going to be Australian Juliet and American Juliet. So basically they're like, get all of the, get all of like our British offshoot, colonial Juliettes and bring them in. We'll get an American and an Australian and we'll ridicule them both for being trashy. So we have Juliette showing off some shoes.

8:34Aren't they amazing? And then we also have someone named Nessie, who I love Nessie. I love Nessie. She gives such nasty looks to the camera. That's my favorite. And she does it with a smile and she'll crinkle her eyes a little bit and be like, mm-hmm, which I love. And then we've got Karen, Karen, who's Jamaican. And I think she's one of my favorites already so far. Oh, she's gorgeous. She's really funny. Yes. So it's a city of heritage and hierarchy. London is a city where wealth whispers and ambition souls. Really? I see a helicopter. They're really selling us on Monday. London, the streets are paved with gold.

9:20the ambition soles and the wealth whispers. I know, I love that. Ambition soles, and then you realize you're just a commoner and you'll always be a commoner and never be accepted into the Lord's class. So then we have Panthea, or sorry, Panthea, and she's like, this tiny little island in the middle of nowhere ruled the world once upon a time. And she's like so proud. I'm like, I feel like there's a lot of people that would not be as excited as you are about that, but that's okay. and then we have Amanda again saying so much history and power and class and money and jewellery and scones and sidewalks and people and lights and bricks and pebbles and stores and jellies and jams.

10:05I could go on. Do you want me to keep going on? London, it's fit for a queen and for a king. It's sadly fit for me. London, and paved gold. It's a pretty. So, let me see. It's just a lot of this. Like, we're fabulous, aren't we? Aren't we fabulous? And then Panthea is telling us what Londoners are like. They're very discreet and politically correct, which is why they added in, I think, American Juliet, because everyone is very prim and proper, and then you're going to get Juliet in here to be like, you're just a stupid slut is what you are. How many names do you even have? Hey, how much fucking Ozampic do you take, loser?

10:51So they had to get the Americans in there to ruffle. Ruffle those feathers. Yeah, I also feel so bad that London has to do this whole preamble because we're used to it with Salt Lake City or Potomac or Orange County. A lot of people may not have a huge awareness of what those places are all about. They may have just a vague sense. So you need to have things like Orange County is where the wealth comes to play. This is where you've got beach. You've got sunshine. We have all the fabulous designers. You have land. We have mansions. They have to sell themselves. But like London does should not have to do this.

11:27Like we all know what London is. It's got to be like London is where there's wealth. It's like, yeah, no shit. Sherlock has a full on palace there. Okay. We get it. There's crown jewels. You don't have those in Orange County. I love, I just love the way they fight. So we get clips of fights and Amanda, who's like the super posh single lady who has the international women's day party later. She goes, what are you saying? You pea brain, you stupid idiot. And she's great because she sort of looks like Nicole Kidman meets Claudia Schiffer. And she sort of like walks around with this like ice queen smile.

12:03And you just know she's going to be the biggest raging bitch of them all. And I'm like waiting for that to like emerge. but right now she's in this polite phase where she keeps on bragging about the fact that she once dated someone from wham and um the other guy from wham for andrew we got the other guy members otherwise known as the other guy from wham um yeah and she mentions him i think 20 000 times she's like yes you know so many people i've been with including the other guy from wham Have I mentioned him? Wham. Wham. We call him Tagfua, the other guy from Wham. So then Amanda tells us, at the heart of London are the friendships.

12:42I was like, oh, you're a nice bitch right now. Like, I know. You cannot tell me that the heart of London are friendships. She goes, this really lovely core group of women that we've been through really difficult times. for instance when they changed the hours at suffrages and had to wait a whole extra 30 minutes to get in tough times suffrages isn't it a department store it's called maybe i'm thinking

13:11suffrages the suffrages was a woman's movement wasn't it like weren't those people who fought for women's rights. Suffrages. Maybe, excuse me, let me amend it. Selfridges, it's called Selfridges.

13:28Well, we've been through tough times, like the time Juliet Angus came to our group, so I was calling it Suffrages instead of Selfridges, and then we also started calling it Suffrages, and I went to a party, and Prince Charles was there, and I said, did you go to Suffrages recently? He said, what is that? And I realized I'd been infected with Americanitis. So this is that lady, Amanda, what's her buns? I think she looks like Morgan Fairchild. I'm putting her up on the screen so people can see. I don't want to show too much of this because I don't want us to get kicked off the internet for showing stuff.

13:54But I think, first of all, they're all dressed crazily. She's got a humongous bow on her shoulder, which we'll show some more of these outfits later. But that's her. Just so people can get a visual of what this lady's like. So she's like, yes, at the heart of London are the friendships. and she talks in this little, little high voice, like she's just so soft and demure. A lovely, cool group of women. We've been through really difficult times. We're a little naughty, a little wild, a little crazy, a little wham. I think Oscar Wilde once said, when a man is tired of London, he's tired of life. And on the screen it goes, ding!

14:37And it says, quote, actually by Samuel Johnson. But at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. We're not getting tired anytime soon. And as proof of that, of us not getting tired anytime soon, that's why I always say, wake me up before you go, go.

15:02Tagline time. So Amanda says, I look like a model, but I think like a CEO. Oh, a CEO who's also a model. And then Juliette, this is our Juliette, Juliette Angus. I love that Juliette Angus is so American. She's literally named after a cut of beef. I've lived in every time zone and I'm still ahead of you. You're literally behind all of us in America, just so you know. Oh, no, no, she's ahead. Oh my God, I'm so American. I am getting, in the presence of this recap, I'm getting dumber. I'm like suffrages and we're actually we're ahead of you with time. The earth goes the other way around now. And then Nessie who says they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

15:46I say watch me. I cannot believe somebody said they're going to eat cake in a tagline. Especially a skinny little lady like this one. I was like well I'll bet you eat fucking cake. Later we find out that she is a cake maker which she makes some beautiful cakes. Also, I don't really trust them because they're too beautiful. They're those cakes that are like, look, it's a rhinoceros. Like, really? How does that shit taste? Because you have to make a strong cake to hold that thing up, you know? I think you left some eggs out or something to make it that stiff. Yeah. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

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18:24then we go on to Australian Juliet. It says, I've the stage darling and all I never miss my cue. So, um, I think that's a reference to the fact that there's like all Shakespeare names in her family. So I don't know. I'm not going to say, I have to say, sadly, I think that Juliet Angus has, she, I think has the best tagline so far. The rest are a little like, I think Nessie is of like, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too. And I say, watch me. I'm like, I feel like I need some water. Watch me eat cake? I mean, that sounds like a porn video, you know? Like, oh, yeah, come on, my OnlyFans, and watch me eat a cake.

19:01And people are like, yeah, yeah, sorry, the cake. Yeah, it was worth 20 bucks a month. Oh, yeah. I feel like hers should have been something like, they say, let them eat cake, and I say, I'll make it. Or something like that, you know? Something, yeah. Yeah, mine would be, some say, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I did already have my cake and I ate yours. They say let them eat cake, well, I already ate it. Fuck you, poor people. They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. I say I won't go near either one of them because I'm minding my figure. And then Karen says, I may be from the Commonwealth.

19:46but there's nothing common about me. Except my name, which is Karen. That's a pretty common name, but otherwise. Pretty common. Otherwise, good. Great tagline. She has a good one. And then Panthea says, as a true Londoner, I don't just sip the tea. I spill it. All right, that's pretty good. Pretty good. But also, like, do you ever want to invite her to your house? No, because she will just be spilling shit everywhere. She's like, it was in my tagline, darling. I spill I spill everywhere so the episode begins with one of our girls girls in power and boobs too Amanda is driving her Bentley very slowly through the streets and everyone's staring at her because you know there's somebody on a pickup truck in front of her filming all of this going 10 miles an hour holding up traffic but she is driving and she's like oh it's London at it's finest today no cost of living crisis here So then someone drives up to her and goes, oh, hey, I wish I was there.

20:50She goes, oh, darling, looking good, thinking good. Okay, have a lovely day, all right. This is just me, Amanda Caroline, waving at people in traffic. Isn't this what Lisa Vanderpump did when we first saw her on Beverly Hills? We saw her in like a convertible driving down Santa Monica Boulevard, just waving to random people like, hello, darling. I'm showing America that I'm wealthy, but I talk to the poor as well. Hello. I'm Amanda Caroline. I'm a small-town girl who grew up on the south coast in Hampshire. I came to London when I was around 20, and as a model, I was very young, very attractive.

21:27And we see her. Truth. Truth to all that. Yes. And I came to London to find my fortune. Although she's a cruel mistress, London launched me and made me the person that I am, which we'll find out very soon is evil, awful, terrible. Spoiled and crazy. You're welcome. Now here, everyone, here's my little poodle, my pup, whose name is Monty True Madness. Isn't that hilarious? Monty, you look so cute in your little outfit. True madness indeed, and I love your business shirt. Oh, goodness, isn't Monty True Madness going to steal the hearts of everyone on this sweet little island we call Britain? And she keeps, she's always holding this little white fluffy poodle dog, and the dog we find out is 15 years old, and it just keeps staring into the camera and growling.

22:16I love it. They're like, let's get a shot of Monty. And it's like...

22:22Monty, true madness. So she calls Megan and she's like, Megan, I just came back from the meeting in Harley Street. It went so well. They're going to place an order of 100 units. They're going to give us a whole branded space. Get on that business, business, business. We do business in our Bentley's here in London where the streets are paid with gold. early 2022 i started my skincare business amanda caroline skincare launched straight into sax fifth avenue in the u.s literally we put it in a t-shirt gun and shot it off and it landed in sax fifth avenue and i'm all i'm one of the only prestige beauty brands in the entire world that's made in england that's right everyone i invented skincare you're welcome i think it's so funny how she's like, look at me, a badass CEO and magnate.

23:12I've had my business since 2022. I know. Amanda Caroline. All right. I was going to, all right, Megan, I was going to run through the Women's Day event. Canapes are looking good. Flowers arriving in the morning. Weather's looking good. And so I think we're all set. We're going to have a party in a very cramped townhouse. are you excited here's one thing i think we still need for the women's day event women i think it might be important to have women there so let's just scratch the list that we've got now i just don't trust it there's too many penises on this list i only want well maybe not only women can we invite men too shall we have men let's celebrate men's tea why isn't it international men and women's no i can't brand that really well just women stick with me find me some women Please.

24:02How about this? Ooh, let's have a sorting hat. And you arrive at the party and we find out, are you a servant or are you a caviar eater? And one goes downstairs, one goes upstairs like the old show. It'll be perfect. A great way to celebrate women of all kinds. I've found out a caviar that acts like poison to a poor person. So only the rich people will be able to digest it. And any poor person that tries to eat it will fall dead on the floor. Oh, can we get some women dead body cleaner uppers, please? That might be important. Make sure they don't have the caviar either. You know, you have to understand, person on the phone with me, that skincare is bigger than the car industry.

24:44We're just at the beginning, and I'm building a billion... I mean, you don't see people putting Volvos on their face. Do you? No. No, you don't. No, no. Listen, I'm building a billion-dollar company. It's only a$10 ,000 company at the moment, but I'm building a billion dollar company. I live in Belgravia. It's the most exclusive neighborhood in London and one of the most expensive per square foot in the world. And we just got a Starbucks. We're so excited. I pretty much live next to King Charles. I mean, I'm pretty much in his room. I'm not saying that I'm a stalker of his, but I did leave him a cassette tape from Wham and said, guess who I know?

25:21It was Andrew Wrigley. It was really funny. I left the card. It said, wham, and then it was signed, bam, thank you, ma 'am. So I think he liked that. I think he did. So she's bragging that she lives right next to the Royal Palace. Is that really considered a good neighborhood? I mean, we went there. It wasn't like hideous or anything. There wasn't like spray paint everywhere. But isn't that kind of like a tourist trap? I feel like it's a good neighborhood for, I feel like there's like a lot of bragging rights. I assume if you're near Buckingham Palace, like the queen lives next door. I could invite her over.

25:58Yeah, but you go outside and there's just like, I don't know, pudgy, dirty people with fanny packs walking around aimlessly like, hey, you know where that museum for Truman Capote is? Well, how else do you know you're going to be rich? How else do you know that you're rich unless you see the poor people downstairs? That's true. It's another person. You have to create some separate... I know how wealthy I am by the amount of disgust I feel every time I walk outside and look at everyone else. Oh, look, there are two gay podcasters from America walking by talking about Bravo Television. Disgusting.

26:33So she talks about how she built this. She found a large building in Belgravia and she totally demolished it. And I made it into my office, my home, my event space. Oh, and this week I'm hosting a beautiful event at my home and inviting lots of friends. Let's take a look at my home, shall we? and we go through and we see little clips of her home and she's got a whole room that's like her beauty room. It's her office and it's all pictures of her. Yeah. I also loved, she has like Monty true madness and she walks into her estate and there's like a servant right there. And like as soon as she steps in the door, she just hands off the dog.

27:11Like, hey, I take him. I can't do it. I already shot my scene with him. It's disgusting. Get this dog out of my face. Get this mongrel out of my hands. It was like so obviously a prop dog at that point. Like she just hands him off. Even the way she hands him over, she's holding him like this. She goes, Oh, hello. Here, take him. She's just like, she's handing her the phone. She just hands her Monty. Yeah. She's not like, she's not like, Oh, can you just take Monty? He's just like, I can't deal with him right now. She just gives the servant Monty, like it's a hat. Like, here you go. Take this out to the back.

27:41And Emma, who's the girl who works for her. She's like, do you want some water? And she goes, Oh, could you give Monty some water? I would love that so much. I'd hate for Monty actually to have to walk to a dog bowl. Please, that's why we have you, Emma. Please. By the way, Monty, he was woofing to me, and I believe he said his favourite water is servant water. So I'm afraid you're going to have to use your dedicated water for Monty. Is that okay if you don't drink any water today? He's just so thirsty. Well, I've built this property to host amazing events, not just for me to sit here with Monty True Madness, because Monty, True Madness is gathering cobwebs.

28:16You know, look, I share the space with a lot of people. I'm just a very, very private person. People might know that I was married to a very wealthy British businessman. Oh, yeah, I'm shocked. I'm totally shocked. And we see a picture of him. Mark Daish, who owns Amanda's second... Wait, who owns? Oh, it's just Mark Daish, Amanda's second husband. They might know that I have a daughter. And we see her daughter, Sophia, in a picture. And the Daily Mail definitely have a bit of fixation on my personal dating life. I should imagine I'm a bit of a myth. Okay, lady. Relax. And then we see headlines that says, like, Amanda Cronin spits from tycoon husband Mark Dache.

28:59Millionaire former model steps out with Whamstar Andrew Ridgely. Who is the longest legs in Belgravia? Seen out with after Wimbledon. why it's the former member of the... I was trying to remember British bands of the 80s and I'm completely forgetting. Well, listen, even myths have bad days. Even myths have bad days. So Amanda now FaceTimes Juliet Mayhew, who is Australian Juliet, and this is how Juliet talks to everybody. And it cracks me up. She's like, hello, Juliet, darling. She's like, darling, you look gorgeous. You look amazing, stunning looking, darling. I've never seen anyone more gorgeous in my life.

29:49Is that even your real face? Did you get a filter on the phone? You look absolutely, I just climaxed. I just climaxed. You are gorgeous. Are you on a ceiling pointing your finger into another finger because you are the Sistine Chapel, darling? No one has been more gorgeous. Juliet is hilarious because she definitely has Mrs. Crowley vibes from Downton Abbey. Like the middle class woman that the upper class people have to deal with. Who's like, she thinks she's like very fancy, but she's definitely from a different station in society. And by that I mean she's Australian. And so she's like, hello darling, how are you doing today?

30:28And Juliet, I mean Amanda's like, oh God, does someone have Monty Troop madness? I need to come to cover up this camera so I don't have to look at a peasant face. So yes, Julia definitely gives like she's being played by Brittany Murphy vibes. Like, hi, guys. Hi. Can I sit with you today? My ear table. Like she is very much that personality. I really like her. I think she's so funny. She's so bubbly and she's trying so hard. And also she gives us looks like this. I'm going to put her up on the screen. She looks insane. She looks like a semi-unwrapped piece of chocolate, you know, that's just crumpled and looking just crazy.

31:10You know what she looks like? It's like if the alien from Alien were actually made of Godiva chocolate wrapper and she wears the tongue. She's sticking out like, hello, I'm birthing out of my alien. Yes, like she's popping out of a Godiva. That's a good way to put it. Yeah. She's wearing this gold, like crinkly Dolce & Gabbana thing, like with ruffle things on the side. I mean, she looks crazy and she's trying very hard. And I like it. I like a little effort. Yeah. And it's a crazy outfit, but I'm just realizing what it is. I think this is actually kind of like a, like a couture reference to like a Shakespearean dress, right?

31:48Like it's got like the ruffles around the shoulders. It's got the big collar. It's like a, it's like a throwback to that, except I think it looks absolutely crazy. yeah it looks crazy yeah well it's a little check and then yeah well at least the belt is i don't know i assume oh yeah i assume the whole thing was so then uh behind her we see the dead swan which she brags about later in the episode that she's got a literal stuffed swan in her house which is so creepy and i just want that thing to buy kyle richards i want it to bite her so bad get her get her swan yeah seriously um so juliet is like paul she's having a facial it's like seriously and we see five minutes earlier that um juliet's dog is um getting a facial it's like a spa treatment so amanda is like juliet i've i've known her i've known on the scene for quite a few years she's very very social which i felt i feel like if someone One, like Amanda says that you're very, very social.

32:53I feel like that's somehow like she's saying something really mean about you. Well, when you say something in British, you know, it's like when you're Southern, you know, like saying bless her heart really means fuck that bitch. Right. It means what a loser. So you always have to like figure out what Amanda is saying because she does speak in British. Julie, I've known on the scene for quite a few years and she's very, very social. I think she's a warm, bubbly, fun, energetic woman. And that really means Julia has been inviting herself to parties for fucking years because she's got some old rich man's money.

33:25And this bitch is always trying to climb up every ladder in town. She's a fake twat who's probably on crack. She's got a drug addiction. That's what she really just said. And she has no substance. She's just an empty, littering Australian. Infiltrating our circles. Amanda is so shocked by a dog grooming shop. She's like, what? You're getting your dog a facial? You're getting your dog a bath? Darling, I'm in the wrong business. I mean, watching a dog? I mean, that's a business right there. That could be a business. It is a business, Amanda. It is. Dog grooming is a pretty big business. Hold on, though.

34:04I've just found doggy deodorant and hair shine, which I've just tried on. I think I'm going to just lather my head with a doggy deodorant. She's like, oh, any toothpaste over there. Monty's breath is terrible. And also yours too. You should probably use it. Have Monty use the toothpaste and then possibly lick you on your teeth and gums. That would be great, darling. Are you going to come and horse ride, go horse bike riding in Hyde Park with me? I literally need to check out your horsey skills. Oh, well, I don't know if my skills will be skilling. I don't know, but obviously I had a big love affair with a polo player, remember?

34:39And of course, Andrew Ridgely from Wham. You do know that, right, Andrew? Oh, you remember the polo player, don't you? I know who does remember. The Daily Mail, am I right? God, they love us. They love us. I was really sticking bowling in the arena over there. So now we go to meet Panthea, who is insane. We get the... She's like Ava Longoria and Ekansu mixed together. She's fucking crazy. she's our Iranian queen here so I love it you know I'm Lebanese I'm not Iranian but like in America we're cousins so I'm like hey girl hey and she's like oh my god she's talking to her housekeeper and she's got the gravelly voice and she's like hey Aaliyah is my makeup too much is my makeup too much Aaliyah tell me the truth and her house lady's like yeah it's a bit heavy it's a bit heavy yeah she's like wait a minute what do you think is too heavy but you think I can get away with it like do you think I can or not like does it look really bad she goes yeah a little bit yes yes aliyah for the win aliyah cannot stand her she's like well i was trying to cover these spots and i don't understand why i've got these hormonal spots how could how come my hair how does how good does my hair look does it look really good because i slept with this like this in it this entire right okay look my hair's good look i'm gonna shush my hair up look i'm having a good day hair day right i look so sexy come on aliyah Say yes, say yes to the dresser, Leah.

36:04Bruce Willis has better hair than you, Mum. Okay, well, I'll just ignore that. I'm Panthea Parker. I was born in Iran, and I moved to London when I was four years old. And we left Iran in 1979 because of the revolution, and I've never looked back. So. Except when Ben Affleck was shooting there, because those were honestly exciting times for everyone, weren't they? I did look like that. oh god am i still spitting from all that botox oh god it's been three weeks and i'm still spitting drooling all over and alia goes i know as she wipes off some spill from her forehead yes i am aware you are indeed still spitting mum alia hates her ass oh god when i was born the filter of my brain to my mouth it just disappeared you know i'm like marmite you love me or you hate me i can't lie but i say it as it is i just won't lie i won't do it i love that straight talking marmite every time i'm about to try marmite for the first time i'm like i don't know if i want to try this because it's it might sass me off god she really is just like marmite so she's married to an old um very pasty man who's like oh hello good morning how are you darling she's like oh good morning sir i'm fine i'm just lying in bed i'm not going back to bed I just like to be in bed, you know.

37:26Let me tell you the truth, because I will not lie to you, husband. I love to be in bed. I love it. I love bed. I got married very young, and my ex-husband left me without a penny before I met the love of my life, Ed. And he ticked every single box there was to tick. Rich tick. And we're done. Got it. Hopefully dead within the next ten years. Got it. Got it. oh darling your nose looks really bad he's like oh well i was it was i was at touch rugby last night and i caught a rugby ball full on the nose touch rugby i don't know why that's so funny to me because that's so like in america we have well it's like flag football but it's it's it's only called flag football right it's like i don't know why it's so funny like touch rugby like it's like the standard rugby is you don't touch whereas in america the standard is you are touching and being violent.

38:23And like the exception is that we're going to play it nicely with flags. But in Britain, it's like the standard is you actually are polite and don't tackle each other. But like if you're going extreme, you're going to do it American style and tackle each other all crazy. I'm sorry, darling. I was playing one of our most popular games in the country. Be polite rugby. Let's lead with a compliment, first of all, and end with a handshake. A nice, firm, warming handshake. And I got hit in the face with the nose and she goes, oh, real man's man over there. That's exactly rugged. 1980s man, darling. 1980s man.

38:58You know, back when men were men. X-wham, am I right? X-wham. X-wham. People don't realise that I'm actually a champion, polite rugby player. I've been told that no one else in the league can say, please pass the ball as authoritatively as I can. oh Ed and I are like chalk and cheese which is so different but it works it works you know I thought chalk and cheese like you go together like chalk and cheese I thought that was a good thing it's not a good thing well it could be a good thing if that's what you're looking for but the chalk and cheese do not they don't go together he has something to the land if I remember correctly from when I took a class early modern England from the Jacobian era I think it was something like that.

39:45Some land was for cattle and some land. There's something about land. I think oranges are like the origin of the expression has to do with land. And some land is like not good for breeding cattle maybe. And that's like the chalk or whatever. It's like a good land is for the cheese and the bad land is for the chalk. Something like that. It's a great story. So Panthea is like, well, we've got off to, we just got to start getting some stuff out of the diary. It's too much. I just feel exhausted. I don't even do anything I don't even work and yet I'm exhausted I think it was one month before the wedding I said so Ed how much do you earn?

40:23and I remember drinking my coffee and the coffee went flying out of my mouth on account of the new Botox I got I have a real issue with keeping liquids in my mouth I mean how are we going to live on that? I don't work how are you going to afford a housekeeper? come on you're supposed to be rich when I see an old pacey person like you it's supposed to be implied you have a lot of money and you have no money how is this even going to work? by the way chalk and cheese is an idiom meaning that two people are different the phrase which dates back to the 14th century highlights extreme contrast between two subjects as chalk and many types of cheese are superficially similar in color but vastly different in texture and purpose so I guess they mean like chalk nothing to do with land I mean maybe if I dove deeper but I think it's the actual chalk that you draw with It's like, it looks like it could be cheese, but don't eat it because it certainly doesn't taste like cheese.

41:18I never once thought chocolate, geez, I just want to put that out there. Just going to put that out there. Sleep at 1400s people. So then chocolate was very different back then. They're like, can we get a wheel of chalk, please? Giant wheel of chalk. Do you have any blue chalk? It's just like chalk with like mold on the inside. Commercials, here comes one right now.

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43:22So basically he was poor, but then he told her, darling, I'm growth stock. And that was it. I was like, it was like jumping off of a cliff. can this man actually be wealthy? And it turns out he could be. I don't even know how you people work because I'm just shattered the whole time. I mean, I don't understand. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much. As she's lying in bed right now. And he's like, well, we do have a busy house, darling. Oh, yes, because we have three children. Show the picture of them. Sienna, Cameron, and Cordelia. God. Who doesn't want to grow up as a Cordelia in 2025? Am I right?

44:01Sienna, Cameron, Cordelia. Oh, and also Amir from my other marriage, but who cares about him? Get the fuck off the screen. Let's go back to Cordelia. My sweet angel Cordelia. Oh, or Cameron, sometimes I call him not Amir. Such a wonderful little boy. Oh, look at this. We got a lovely invitation to Mansion House, darling. So the Lord and Lady Mayoress invite me, the Master of Solicitors Company, and Mrs. Panthea Parker. Why doesn't it say mistress? I mean, what's the point of having a title if they're not even going to use the title? Send that back. Have a Mia take it over. Just have a Mia do it.

44:37I don't want to put our own children in danger. Just have a Mia do it. I want to know who Lord and Lady Mayoress are because if they think they're being impressive by having someplace called Mansion House, I'm sorry, that's like calling someplace City Town. It's like we'll know it's a mansion. your own house verbally. You're like, you know what? We couldn't really afford the square footage, so we're just going to call it Mansion House. Okay. Yeah, it's a studio apartment. But it could be a mansion. You're in London. It should be something like El de Flava Hall or like I don't know, Gooseberry House but not like Mansion House.

45:15That just seems so on the nose. Yeah. He's like, I shall write and complain, my sweet. Yes, write and complain. I thought that was the whole point that I have named mistress. You know, Ed is a lawyer by day. It's a prestige thing. He's now all a master of the solicitors because of who my husband is, I now rub elbows with the who's who of the world. You should get invited to so many ambassador's homes. I go to Downing Street. I go to Buckingham Palace. I mean, God, I just see celebrities everywhere I go being a mistress and all. Mistress of solicitors. I'm like, so Ed is like, okay, well, just remember no getting a selfie with King Charles.

45:54But is it one of those events where we have to put our phone down because if I can't put it on Instagram, it didn't happen. I have to be able to. Please, please, please. I've waited so long for you to be wealthy. I have to show everyone I bet on the right horse. Come on, please. It's like, yes, you know, these things as a mistress, you have to be like, darling, sweetie, darling. But if I'm going to meet King Charles, I'm going to be getting a selfie. I'm going to be getting a selfie. Oh. so then Ed is like well anyway I have to get to the world of work. I'm not familiar with what those concepts are but okay someone's got to keep the show on the road So now let's go to Juliet playing tennis with her husband Tiggy

46:43Oh my god the show is so good All these like older pasty white guys do sound the same Alright I'm just going to hit some balls to you and you just smack them back, okay? What was that? Oh, I'm going to hit some balls and you hit them. What? All right, there's some balls. Oh, what kind of hit was that one then? All right, here it is again. Can you please, you said you were going to hit them to me. Good one, Downey. I mean, who would have known that I used to be quite good at one point? I mean, Serena Williams, watch out. Marina, it's not right to love who? Who? Who? That's what they say. They were going to be playing, aren't they?

47:19Yeah, better watch out. Steffi Graffiti and Andres Agrises. So Juliet says, I'm Juliet Mayhew. I'm from a little Jilroo town in far North Queensland, Australia. Like a true blue Aussie, Mareeba is like this beautiful little place in the middle of the rainforest. And my dad was a missionary traveling doctor. So we spent, we went to places in the world where no one has any help. And I said, guess what? If you want a servant, you can get a servant. So here's some help. I spent my life traveling around the world to war zones, helping no one at all, just getting in the way of every everyone else. Whether you're trying to fight or save someone, there's me in the middle, knocking people over.

47:56That's how I grew up, schlubbing around the footholds of the Himalayas. And to prove it, they show a picture of her with a little local girl wherever she is while she's traveling, and she's got paint on her face. Oh yes, look at this little girl. You know, I remember this girl. I couldn't sit at her lunch table either, and she was poor. So, it's amazing. My reputation really travels. I'll just say that. You know, I spent so much of my childhood going to these war-torn countries and trying to help people and get them a better life, but then at 12 I just was sent off to boarding school and spent the rest of my time with the wealthy elites of London, so that was fun while it lasted.

48:36My husband's Anthony, but everyone knows him, Miss Tiggy. He grew up in London, in fact around the corner from where we live now, because his family owns every square block within miles, kilometres, I should say. All right, so we met in church. He saw the blonde hair, probably the boobs, and thought, that one's for me. I mean, let's be honest. Look at these things. Gorgeous, aren't they? Look at these two didgeridoos. You can't resist them, can you? And then it took about five years for me to finally say yes after he asked me out a couple of times. And then, what about when you took me skiing, Tiggy?

49:09Remember that? Like hardcore skiing. Remember when we went skiing down in an old Jilinoo mountain, going skiing down the slopes? And he's like, I was actually quite embarrassed. Yes, well, when you took me on the Tata and I nearly died. Half the word she's saying, I have no idea what she's like. I'm from a jewelry town in Maroi, but we went down the Tata. Like, what are you talking about? I don't like skiing, do I? But when you gave me a big glacier champagne, the bottom I sure liked. Isn't that right, Tiggy? He's like, oh, God, this is hilarious. Yeah, it's very English, isn't it? He's charming.

49:43What's the word? What's the word for rich and charming? Aristocratic. No, I didn't want to say aristocratic. I mean, but the family. His family is wonderfully positioned, let's just say. I love that. They're a wonderfully positioned family. Well, you better plan something pretty amazing for our 20th year anniversary, Tiggy. Got two years to start planning. We're probably not going to have a tennis match, I'd guess. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Look at the tennis skills on that one. So we have an interesting, he has a very interesting family. So on one side, he's got William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish Knight, a rebel.

50:21And then the other side, he's got Benedict Arnold, a general who led the American Revolutionary War. And then he defected. So he was looked at as a traitor. So in other words, he comes from a bunch of people who hate England. And yet here we are, profiting off of it. It's funny. Yeah, he's related to Braveheart and Benedict Arnold. You know, what's funny is when either one of them were pulled over, they both were drunk and made a lot of anti-Semitic slurs. So, not in common, you know. Apparently, we're supposed to own like half of Pennsylvania. In fact, when I saw Mayor of East Highland Town, I said, that's ours.

50:56That's ours right now. I'm going to HBO. We own this show. I sent Kate a little message because we're friends, of course, and I just sent her a little message and I said, you owe me. Funny. It's funny. She got it. She got it, I'm sure. So, you know, I haven't gone back and put my stake in it yet, you know, but I suppose on my side, I'm not quite a convict, but I do go back to 13th century King Edward I of England. So, I mean, I think he married up, quite frankly.

51:26So they're still playing tennis. I love bragging about being married to Benedict Arnold. I know, but doing Benedict Arnold. I wonder if it just doesn't, like, it doesn't have the same thing. in London, they probably don't care about Benedict Arnold at all, but like in America, it's like, Benedict Arnold. But they're like, whatever. He's American. Who cares? So Juliet is like, well, Tiki Dahl, I have two of the most beautiful children on the face of the planet. I'm so proud of them. Could you imagine if they said, we have one of the most beautiful children and one who's just butt ugly. So I'll just get to you every thinking about them.

52:01We have Ophelia Arabella and we have Orlando Jupiter Patrick. What the hell? I mean, obviously it's Juliet, Romeo and Juliet, get it? Antony and Cleopatra, Ophelia, Orlando, you see. We have Portia, the dog, and we did have Hamlet, the rabbit. So there's that, all Shakespeare. You know, Hamlet's now in heaven, you know, just like the real ones. But Portia's almost in heaven, but not quite. And bless her, she's quite an old Dane. I mean, none of them are dramatic at all. Clearly, clearly. Now, why would you name the, why would you name, why would you not name the Dane Hamlet? Isn't Hamlet Dane?

52:43Hello. I'm just, hello. We're just trying to help you out here. Get your Shakespeare right. What are you, cheese and chalking this up? Come on. So, now they keep playing tennis. And now we go to Nessie. So, Nessie, I would say definitely is the most homemaker-y and has a stick right up her butt. which I love. Yes. I think she's probably always going to be in a floral dress of some kind and always making a perfect fruit tray for her family. Yes. She's like, okay, make sure you give them a nice generous water. Make sure they're not on top. Okay, get these together, daughter. So she's with her daughter, Zaza, and she's sort of like bossing Zaza around, making her do something perfectly.

53:25And she's like, I'm Nessie. I'm a Londoner. I'm not a monster from Scotland. And I was born and bred here. and then she sort of does that look to the camera like yes pause for applause yeah and she says i live with my husband remy he's an entrepreneur in the mining industry we have three children coco zaza and casper and my little golden settler charlie brown coco zaza casper coco zaza casper the children's names on this show coco zaza casper Ophelia Arabella what's something Jupiter I mean like and then the other there's still some other ones that I just it's amazing they're definitely giving Utah they're definitely giving Utah a run for its money with the silly names people could describe me as a trad wife I'm here for my 100 I'm here 100 for my children but I work full time and also I look after my husband trad wife yeah I'm just your classic trad wife who also works full time in finance.

54:28So she's like making this amazing fruit platter and she goes, we live in Chelsea. Chelsea is definitely one of the best neighborhoods to live in in London. Look, look at all this footage of brands that are here. There's Burberry, which they keep on showing. And I mean, houses can go anywhere up to 85 million, but we have also a country pile in the Cotswolds where we spend weekends. It's just an ideal haven away from the chaos of London. Yeah, we see this mansion that they have in the Cotswolds. Oh my goodness. They got some money on this show, damn. This, yeah, this cast has money. And then this child is like, Mommy, the floor's lava and that's why I'm on a blanket.

55:06And she's like, that's very lovely, but the floor's actually not lava. Don't be an imbecile. You're supposed to get good grades, get to a good university. Get on the floor and off the blanket. Well, unfortunately for you, darling, lava melts blankets and you are now a pile of goo, burning goo. So congratulations. You've died on the living room floor. Mommy, stop your crying. My parents came to London for different reasons from different countries. My mother came here from Singapore. My dad's from Egypt. I would describe my mother as a tiger mom. And some of that may have rubbed off on me. I'm going to give us a nice break from the tiger moms being horrible storyline into tiger moms are heroes.

55:44And the reason we slap our children on the wrist is because they're little idiots and we don't want them to die young. Thank you. Some may call me a tiger mom, but, you know, maybe that's, That might be an over-exaggeration. Get off of the blanket and step on the lava. Be a real man. I know you're nine, but it is the day that you grow up.

56:05I would describe my family as high-achieve, as Coco's an academic. She's incredibly clever for someone named after chocolate. And I would not be surprised if she or Casper, who is named after my favourite mattress, ends up as Prime Minister with gearing them up to give 110 % and going full force. And then it shows her, the little girl who's studying. And then it says, Casper. And then it has an arrow pointing to him as he's like dancing around with a blanket on his head. Casper could be prime minister. It's like, ding, that's Casper. Yeah, that's the one. Okay, all right. Okay, it's really an amazing opportunity to be on a scholar program at one of the best boarding schools in the country.

56:47So yeah, everyone wants to do better for their kids. and my career aspirations at university was to get out and make as much money as possible and the industry that you can do that in is finance so that's why I set my sights and I did it I worked in investment banking on the trading floor and then I worked at an asset management company specifically in the last job that I was in and I just decided that I'm not enjoying this anymore and we were in a very comfortable position let's say so I made the transition to banking to baking to rearing stupid children who think the floor is actually lava so they're talking about her busy week she's got so many cake orders you guys do you remember amanda because she asked me to make a cake for her that's international women's day and i'm the founder and ceo of the chelsea cake company and i'm a published author as well so basically i actually cook books which aren't very delicious but it does make a statement and I'm rich so I can do whatever I'd like.

57:46I founded the company over 12 years ago and I've made cakes for the who's who of London. Hollywood A-listers, celebrities, Ekansu, people of the same tier and accord. I was asked to make the Queen's 90th birthday cake and it's basically anyone who's anyone in London has tried one of my cakes. For instance, here's a photo of the Queen's 90th birthday cake. It's a square, a big square cake. So I hope she enjoyed that. Square cake. She wanted it to look like it could come from the American grocery store. So that's what I did. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture without her face pushed down into the cake.

58:21But that was when there was a lot of family strife. So it wasn't a very fun birthday party for her. But yes, here's the cake's face in one of my cakes. It was awkward when Liz Truss came bouncing out of the cake and said, Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. We were all appalled, quite frankly. So he's like, why are you making such a fruit tray, darling? I mean, it's a huge fruit tray. She's like, have you seen how much watermelon our children eat? By the way, never be the kind of mother who doesn't force your children to deal with watermelon seeds. It builds strength. I was like, geez, they sell seedless watermelons over there, don't they?

59:01It's a lot of seeds. You're just begging Casper to spit those seeds at his sister's face. It was wild because she was just talking, having a normal scene, and then out of nowhere, there was just like an enormous canoe of watermelon in front of her. I was like, where did that thing come from? Can you even get big watermelons like that in Britain? I was like, did she import that from somewhere? I was shocked. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsor.

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