#3556 Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip S508 Part One: Money Can’t Buy You TWO HOURS

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0:29Ben Mandelker: Hi, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman and the website The Bittman Project. One of the things that makes Whole Foods Market different is their commitment to quality standards. More than 500-degree insert bands store-wide to give us peace of mind whether we're browsing through the store or shopping online. And it's been this way since 1980. Their selectivity makes your shopping easier. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Thank you.

1:01Ben Mandelker: Watch What Happens Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Happens. I'm Ronnie, and welcome back to the show, Mr. Ben Mandelker. Hi. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you, Ronnie. We've missed you. You know what? I'm saying thank you as if I won an award. I didn't win an award, but my heart is so full of thanks because I went on vacay last week, and you held down the fort. And I have to give a massive thank you to you and to all of the guests who subbed in, whether they were real people or not real people, because I know you did two solo episodes. And I just want to say thank you for everyone for helping out and for the audience, for being patient, etc.

2:08Ben Mandelker: But we love our guests. And thank you again for holding down the fort. No, I missed you for sure. The guests were so funny. Every single one of them is such a professional and so good at it. You know, we're lucky to know so many talented people. My God. And so many funny people to just hang out with. You know, it was hard not just sitting here all day being like, okay, what do you think of the economy? You know, it's anything. It's like stay. Stay. But you were very, very missed. I'm so glad to have you home, honey. And now I definitely had FOMO. Yeah. What? You had FOMO? While you were eating your tinned fish?

2:51Ben Mandelker: Well, at FOMO, because there were so many good episodes on Bravo last week. I was like, I want to say something. But you were about to say, guess what, about something. I get it bad when I go out, too. I'm like, oh. Or I look who's there, and I'm like, that's not fair. I want to talk to them. That always happens to me, too. But, hey, you got to take a break. Once a year, take your vacay, you know? Yeah. What was I going to say? Well, I can say something that I think you're probably going to say, which is that i am now what'd you say i was gonna say you're about to travel again i am about to travel again because um i was i went off to portugal and norway and now i'm back at my parents house and i'll be here for like two days in the northeast and then guess what later this week the watch what crap ends in the mix in the mix tour it is officially beginning i can't believe it like this is a whiplash on saturday we are kicking things off in kansas city and we have announcements about what we what we will be recapping this weekend in kansas city and in chicago in kansas city to kick off the in the mix tour we are opening with a recap of the real housewives of salt lake city this week's episode and then on sunday it's a rare sunday show for us in chicago we will be recapping the real housewives of orange county if you guys know us we love recapping any housewives show live in person and so this is going to be a real thrill for us doing back-to-back housewife shows at these two wonderful cities so please come join us our tickets are at watch what crappens.com and for those who can't be there we appreciate your patience ahead of time that of course these recaps will be uh about two days late for each one of them because we are saving them for saturday and sunday so thanks in advance for being patient but we want to just give something give a really two really fun shows for audiences um that are are making the time to come see us in kansas city and chicago so i can't wait i'm so excited ronnie and those are both such classic shows for us and i know that oc is having a rougher season and i hope people aren't like oh oc fuck that but it may be having a rough season but we are having a season of gold on our recaps we are loving we are loving that show yes and we have such a great time doing that one so come to the show so that's uh saturday and sunday kansas city chicago i'm just going to read off cities really quick so you guys know that we're coming to you um we're going to be coming to minneapolis detroit philadelphia washington dc dallas austin and houston nashville clearwater fort lauderdale san francisco salt lake city denver charleston atlanta georgia seattle washington vancouver portland toronto boston and we finished with the golden crappies in new york city on broadway so that's a lot of cities so go to watch what crappens.com all the tickets for sale or all the tickets are for sale right now and just so you know minneapolis and Detroit are like coming up very soon it's like I think about 10 days or two weeks or something like that so get get ready people because we're coming to you I can't wait um and by the way you mentioned Orange County having um a slow season I I'm kind of into the season now I have to say I think that like that dual trip situation that they had kind of I feel like it kind of galvanized the show a little bit so uh i'm i'm all in on orange county now um and i'll tell you another show that i think has really come to life which is the one we're talking about today real housewives ultimate girls trip i think the first half of the season quite frankly was a little dull there were just so many flashbacks and all they were doing was going from you know they were just going from city to city and it was all like it was silliness but ever since uh guys i just want you to know I am at my childhood home, and guess what is going off right now?

6:56Ben Mandelker: It's the printer. The printer is back. Here it goes. Okay. Just pretend it's our theme song in the background while I extol the virtues of, excuse me, excuse me, I'm performing up here. Why are you talking while I'm performing, printer? can you believe it this printer was two hours late two hours anyway what i was gonna say my parents are gonna show up in one second to retrieve this document i'm gonna tell you this right now they open the door very slowly and be like is it okay um but uh uh i have to say that i think ever since they went off to miami girls trip has like come to life i think it's become so so so funny and i last week i wasn't able to be on the podcast i was like ah damn it that would have been such a funny one to recap but let me tell you something tonight's episode was unbelievable i thought i was laughing i was watching it on the plane and i was cracking up in my seat people thought i was crazy i was like alex mccord doing this dance luann having these meltdowns it was just perfect from beginning to end yeah it was pretty classic um so let's get into it we are still at luann's halloween party in new york everybody walked into this party and of course we knew everybody at the party because it's all bravo commentators and stuff like that you know it's like danny and evan and danny and evan from page six were standing right at the front entrance and everybody who came in danny was like oh hi oh hi you look amazing he was like the hostess at the applebee's but dressed i know but they they treated him like he was a crazy craigslist fan or something they were like jazelle's like i don't know who these people are uh and they're just like look at all these like look at all these fans coming to see us i'm like they they are with page six they're not just like some crazy fans even if they were who cares but like they are like you guys all go and go on their show for part of your publicity tours yeah they're like oh just So I was like, disgusting.

9:09This is disgusting. So that was cracking me up. And then Jessel is talking to Lou and she's asking who the hot guy is that she was making out with in the ocean because there have been pictures everywhere. And Lou's like, who? Why does everyone know about that picture? Oh, yes. And saying where the picture come from. You took the picture and you sent it to everybody. How do you think they know? How do you think they've seen it? You've probably airdropped it to every person in this venue right now.

9:36Ben Mandelker: you literally have two people from page six at your party that we just talked about like you have them you have the press here you sent it out so just was like it's fucking it's literally fucking everywhere i did a double take actually i was like i was like like is this like really happening and when it's like well i mean we could have taken better pictures i mean they weren't that great we were just swimming just a cabaret star and her very hot adorable fan that she decided to make a prince for a day she's like no you weren't just swimming there were other things going on. Well, sure. Maybe I was tinkling the ivories down there with my toes, playing the piano.

10:12Ben Mandelker: You know, fish gotta have cabaret stars too. Must be lovely being in the ocean with a partner who's actually having sex with you under the water. You know, last time I went somewhere with Pavit, all he did was ask me if he thought that they were serving bon mis at the snack shop. Have you ever gone snorkeling with someone who keeps asking all the fish where the fried chicken is it's humiliating giselle kyle lisa and vicky are all in the car on the way over and lisa's like oh my god like after miami i don't even know what to expect tonight is it gonna be freaky dicky costumes is it gonna be really sexual i'm a very conservative person giselle's like yes you are pretty conservative uh yeah i'm always conservative because my boys get so mad if i show too much skin they're like you look single which i love that that's like their that's that's that's an awful state to be in in utah like ew look at that single person showing skin why don't they have a family with seven children oh my god mom you look like someone who's just been kicked out of temple like they're like get it together i might as well just be wearing a g-string oh my god mom you look like one of those women on that show about professional prostitutes what's it called sex in the city wow four singles um so then uh it's a costume party and at least is only putting on ears because she she ain't gonna make a an effort for this she hates costumes and as she tells us i fucking hate costumes like i literally had a body suit in some pants messenger to the hotel and some cat ears like i'm comfortable with cat ears as far as i'll go cat ears are my favorite costume when girls put on cat ears like like here it is my big costume i it's like it's kind of like the laziest costume you could ever come up with but it somehow always works you're always like oh yeah look you look really indistinguishable from you know a cheetah and on the savannah everyone just goes with it every time cheetah on the savannah i mean you do have to suspend your disbelief i know nobody literally looks like what they're dressed as but it's like you're you have cat ears but also a bikini like yeah you know girls love doing that make this make sense i think mine is the laziest costume i have a monk robe that i wear every year and that's pretty that's like that you're inhabiting the garb of a profession like cat ears it's just like you're just wearing your regular thing and you're just putting cat ears on and it's like oh this little accessory on top of my head is supposed to now like sheath my entire body with a costume and it's like no not quite but all the work maybe this year i'll be a cat monk i um i wonder if more people would want to have sex with me if i was a cat monk instead of just a monk there was one year where i just got a box from costco and I cut the bottom out of it.

13:15Ben Mandelker: I wore it around my waist, and I was a box of crackers. People loved it. It was amazing. It was great. I saw that. You've had a lot of great costumes, actually. This year, you were a beignet. I was a beignet this year. And you sewed the whole costume together. Yeah, that was an effort that I put into that one. And then I had my famous Price is Right costume, which is – I can say proudly that I am a costume influencer, that I invented a Price is Right costume, and now it is the go-to Price is Right costume on the internet. People have forgotten, but I was the one who made it. I invented it. I did it.

13:48Ben Mandelker: That's a good one. My contribution to pop culture. The last costume I was in that wasn't a monk costume was like years and years, decades ago. And I was Betty Rubble. And my friends were Wilma, Fred, and Barney. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, when I did my beignet costume, that was at the end of my No Carb October that I did last year ahead of BravoCon. so i was like 10 pounds um i was like 10 pounds you know lighter and so i was like oh i'm gonna slut it up i'm gonna show a little bit of my arm and the rest of me i'm gonna hide in a giant pillow that was my version of a slutty costume but now i regret to inform everyone i've lost weight so i'm gonna go dressed as a potato like what i'm gonna show some arms off and that's it but uh this year with arms this year i'll just be uh i'm you'll see maybe a fingernail i don't know didn't people keep dusting you off and you were like that's powdered sugar oh yeah because i asked my friend i brought i felt like kelty kept like dusting you off you were like that's god damn it that's powdered sugar yeah because i brought baby powder to be the powdered sugar and i would tell people put the baby powder on me to make me look like a beignet but everyone would do it so lightly that it didn't look enough like i was sugared it looked just like i had run into i brushed up against like a wall or something so people just kept on and like everyone everyone was so afraid to put a lot of sugar on me or a lot of powder on me like well you're in la you can't be asking people to pour sugar on something they don't know how to do it they avoid it you know they're like oh my hands ah so the police show up the hot police oh so uh this is where the ladies come in and they're like ew gross press and carl's like oh my god where are we where are people what are we even doing here yeah jazelle's like if i knew it was going to be a fan fest i would have gone to bravo con i was like i mean what did you honestly really think it's either gonna be a fan fest or just another version of a fan fest which is all the other housewives showing up trying to get screen time because they've been fired can i say something also what a travesty that some of our biggest real housewives of all time sonia morgan dorit kemsley um others i'm sorry i'm but like all these all these real housewives made it onto this girls trip I'm sorry I did not make it onto this girls trip they were nowhere to be seen and yet Peggy Tannis managed to land a moment at the girls trip party in Miami was it Miami?

16:32Ben Mandelker: It was Miami right? like that's wild that Peggy Tannis made it onto this stupid show and not like some of the other big ones oh you know it would be great if Sonia Rita was here but she'll only show up she'll only show up anywhere if you hand her five grand And we were talking like, well, they deserve that. You know, they deserve to be paid to be here. And maybe that's why you've got like Peggy and Jacqueline and people like that showing up. Maybe they were just like, okay, we're serving hot dogs. Whoever wants to come. And they're like, I'll come. TV and a hot dog. That's true. So anyway, Alex McCord is here, which is exciting.

17:11Ben Mandelker: And Kyle is talking to Alex. Kyle's like, how are you? So are you living in Australia now? She's like, yeah, Byron Bay. She's like, oh, nice. Well, it's nice to see you. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. FX's American Horror Story returns for an unrivaled 13th installment with the iconic horrors you love to fear and an all-star cast reprising fan favorite roles. Light your candles, draw your pentagrams, and prepare for a supreme surprise. FX's American Horror Story 13, now streaming on Hulu. Hey, this is Paige from Giggly Squad. You know I love a seasonal closet refresh, including my activewear.

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18:23Kyle clearly does not know who this is and Kyle doesn't know who most people are but she's doing you can tell with how Kyle's talking how are you? well nice to see you she does not know who this is and she's like well I do know who she is but I've never met her Frankie?

18:43Ben Mandelker: Frankie goes to Hollywood? what's her name? If it's, yeah, because if it's someone that Kyle knows, she'll either include a barb or a jealous comment about something that they're wearing. Like, oh my God, I have the same thing. But if she doesn't know who the person is, she'll, how are you?

19:01And Alex is like, yeah, well, it's a lot when all of the girls get together, right? And she's like, uh, yeah. So a lot of personalities. And she says that she's seen some of the early New York episodes. and she was always very fascinated by Alex and her husband. I'm just very offended with this. I've seen some episodes. You are a housewife. You've been here 15 years. You better watch every episode of everything. This is your homework.

19:28Ben Mandelker: Well, she keeps on doing this. It's like a few weeks ago when she was talking about the Salt Lake City girls and she saw like Heather and she goes, oh, is that the one who was mean to that one? Like almost acting as if there were piles of boxes. and it's like it's a very subtle mean girl move to sort of sort of show that you're actually in a different tier where you can't even be bothered to like know who they are you just have a general awareness of them in the way that you might have seen someone walk through the cafeteria but like you're at the cool girls table it's so it's so obvious but otherwise i mean cal's having a good season and you're seeing someone from the art class you know and you're like oh yeah i know that girl pottery wills am i right whatever i support it and actually kyle doing the how are you is also the way that the popular girl talks the girl in the art class to pretend like the like she's like a nice person to like the girl in art class she's like how are you good to see you are you going to the dance this week you don't have a date oh okay well that's too bad i'll be For homecoming court.

20:34You may not be important, but your vote is.

20:40Yeah. So she talks about Alex and Simon being a weirdo couple. And she's right. Like, we get a lot of clips of them making out and stuff. Thankfully, we don't get a clip of Alex going into labor and Simon climaxing all over her, which apparently was a thing back in the day.

20:57Ben Mandelker: Yikes. Yeah, some of their lore. um then meanwhile chanel chanel is there and she's bringing jessel over to dorinda because last week uh uh guess what's happening we got the printer your parents written a book guys uh forgot to mention that penguin books has picked up the story of my parents oh oh oh god what's this they use so much toner on this oh oh they're printing out like giant black squares they like print out like a website but they didn't they like printed it directly and it's just all this ink that they're wasting oh it's terrible i get them an ipad for christ's sake i know oh man like you know you know it kills me when i see like ink being wasted like this you remember on blow deck i was so mad at joe bradley okay um but the point is that um I don't know what I was saying.

21:52Ben Mandelker: Something about bringing Jessel over there. So Chanel sees Jessel and she's like, Oh, Dorinda. Dorinda's your best friend. She's like, Oh, I didn't mean to offend you, Dorinda. She's like, Oh, I promise. You didn't offend me. You didn't offend me by not recognizing my bubble dress. I wasn't offended. It's just the most iconic thing that's ever happened on television. So, you know, if you don't understand iconic things, you don't understand iconic things okay yeah you know i was just surprised which is her way of saying no you actually did offend me bitch so jessel goes you look great and your boobs look amazing and then so now dorinda with a big with her evil smile goes well it's not about that it's about it was in one of the most iconic scenes in housewives like you dumb fucking bitch respect your elders and know where you come from you just shaded an iconic bubble dress and if you had any brains about you you would have realized that you were only so lucky to be within close proximity of it and let me see you guys try to do something as interesting as my bubble dress was in any of your two seasons of the reboot that's yeah well you dress like fucking heated rivalry right now that's a that's that's a gay butt sex show anyway get off your stupid heated rivalry outfit.

23:13But when she's like, oh yeah, it's so iconic, Jessel just looks at her with a kind of, sorry, I'm so sorry for you crazy lady face, and she goes, oh, yeah.

23:23Ben Mandelker: Haven't seen that. Jessel pretty much was like, it's like she said something about Pearl Harbor and Doreen just like, that was a terrible day in the American history, and I remember when I got the car that the planes were going on, and Jessel's like, mm-hmm, that's true. It's like she's respecting it, but She's just like, pearls are so embarrassing. No one wears pearls. So then, so yeah, so Jordan's like, it's the most iconic scene in Housewives forever, forever. And so Jessel then, of course, goes, I didn't see that. I'll need to rewatch it. Which I can't tell if she was just... Oh, go ahead.

24:04Ben Mandelker: Sorry. I couldn't tell if she was being cut fantasy or if she genuinely had not seen it. I think both. I think both things. Because you've at least seen clips of that. You are a real housewife of New York. I mean, you've at least seen the clips when people are like, wow, look at these iconic people and look at these shitty people. Remember her bubble dress? And they're fighting about a cheese plate or whatever. So she's seen it at least that way. But Jussel doesn't care and she'll shade anybody, which you got to respect. And she's like, well, you can be angry with me. but Chanel came up to me and said that Ramona's really upset with you.

24:40And Chanel's like, I'm really drunk. I didn't eat. I'm dressed like the whore from my village.

24:47Ben Mandelker: I love the return of this Giselle. I mean, I mean, Jessel, not Giselle. Jessel, because her first season, she was like this all the time and she drove everyone nuts. And she was like the only good thing about that season. And then last season, we didn't see it. And now she's back doing it. She's acting this way here on this show and on the other on an actual new york and to me it's so funny because there's so many people in the comments online on twitter or wherever that are like she's a fucking asshole what the fuck is wrong with her i'm like what show are you watching since when do we want these people to be good the whole point is that they're supposed to say crazy things to each other and you're supposed to cringe like i'm sorry people this is the jessel that we want not only is it the justice that we want but it's what the roni reboot desperately has needed for like 18 months and i am welcoming it back with open arms and it's also the jessel that's always been here i don't yeah i mean she had a nicer season last season but people acting like when did jessel become so mean i'm like uh like this it makes her great so now we go over to dolores she's like hello to hello theresa i've missed you and she's like uh yeah how are you uh i'm good i just like i like not wanted to come because like i wasn't sure about that but you know like being with these women it's like amazing

26:13Ben Mandelker: yeah you bonded and stuff i get it yeah yeah we empowered it each other uh-huh by the way delores is dressed like she just got into a car accident i feel like she loves getting into that kind of that kind of costume um she loves a violent costume and it's halloween so a lot of people choose the gore and stuff but every time they cut to dolores i was like oh my god what happened to dolores so then luan goes up to giselle and she's like well you look gorgeous okay we're queening we're queen-ing okay what's happening was this are you a queen as well I'm a cabaret queen. What type of queen are you?

26:54Ben Mandelker: She's like, we are fortune telling. We're not queening. We're fortune telling. And Dolores is like, that's right. Pirate fortune teller. See? All right. Well, what's my fortune then? Give me a fortune. I love fortune. She's like, I'm going to tell you your fortune later. Because they're all getting ready to tell off Luanne for being so arrogant and so narcissistic. but she doesn't want to do it her party. So she's like, oh, you will get your fortune later. Yes. Which is a fortune. It is a fortune. The fortune in itself is that you will receive a fortune. So then Kelly has a tray of jelly beans and she brings it over to the new Roni ladies.

27:38Ben Mandelker: And I've forgotten that that was Erin in the red wig. I was like, who's that? Erin looks beautiful, by the way, in this outfit. She looks beautiful. She doesn't look like Jessica Rabbit. i think that's what she's supposed to be but she does look very pretty she looks like she should be on the cover of like um like a blink 182 album from 1999 like that's what her look is and it works i say that complimentary um so jessel is so kelly brings her tray of jelly beans over and jess is like is that food she's like no it's candy like food who eats food she's like so then why are you serving this just because it's it's an iconic moment jelly beans jessel just not as not understand this whatsoever she goes erin this may be worse than like your parties i mean this might actually be worse god i mean so but it is cool being a part of something that everyone like knows you know like you're the one who walked down the street right you know oh no she's not even talking to kelly she's like you know everyone knows your name and says like ah yeah new york them give a fuck about you come on and jess was like that's bullshit people give a shit everywhere i go they say aren't you from that show of the thing with old people who had candy in their purse you know stuff like that and then we have a carol moment because she's dressed as steven tyler um and uh drinda's like hey steven tyler look who's back steven tyler she's like i'm back dude looks like a lady loving an elevator making love while you're going down who made your outfit Dorinda not in a cell I'll tell you not in a cell okay let's not go down that road and we see a flashback of turn to being like even even then she was trying to explain to people how iconic her outfit was and it was by the way one thing i have to comment on from last week i don't know if you guys talked about it but when um when carol read her like little piece to the printer i'm telling you it's like i don't know what's happening today but uh can you hear it or or is it just me telling you that's just a little bit yeah it's not too loud but it's funny every coming here come on yeah i'll bring the microphone over that way you get the full printer experience um and i love the little chime it makes afterwards like like it's so proud of itself like there it is your paper oh and another document that's coming out now as well just they did the chime and it's crazy okay i thought it was so funny when carol did this this printer was never it keeps it keeps making the chime like it's done and then another dog comes on it it's never gonna end um i thought it was so funny how carol read this thing and they were all crying and it was like we were on a tv show called the real housewives and that makes us sisters i think that's all it was and they're like that was the most beautiful thing I forgot that Carol was a writer.

30:56I was like, guys, it was not that deep. It's a sisterhood. I know. I thought it was much nicer than the other stuff Carol's written about the show. Like, fuck this show. It's horrible to women. I'm just here to write a tell-all. I hate everybody. Oh, my God. Your printer is still there. Is it just printing? Stop talking about Carol and Bessette. She was my friend.

31:24Ben Mandelker: there's a document here that says are the kennedy's cast so

31:33death suicide cancer i mean come on god i wonder if my parents realize they're printing everything

31:41Ben Mandelker: in landscape orientation they're probably gonna print reprint all of it that's probably why that's why it's taking so long to print because it's all landscape this is more pages well they would know if they could come in here and check but now they can't a lot of paper gonna about to be wasted so uh erin comes over and she's like whoa you actually look like steven tyler do you know who i am and dorinda's like i don't recognize you i don't know i know you are it feels the same when i watch his show i say who the fuck is that erin's like zinger Whoa, that was a real zinger Huge zinger Wow Well, you look too funny in person, you know I hope you wear this in the bedroom It's like, I can't because I got new boobs Because that way I can make sure it was done done The kids, no more after I have new boobs Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense What man is going to want to sleep with you less when you get new boobs?

32:42I don't get that

32:45Ben Mandelker: hold on here you go these printed on landscape just so you know okay thanks mom yes you do ladies and gentlemen carolyn mandelker um

33:03well anyway boobs aren't how you get pregnant yeah what biology class did you go to so then um the event producer hank who has eyes like he's just snorted half of the city it's like hello welcome welcome welcome back to the show everybody good evening welcome ladies and gentlemen it's luen's buddy luen's gonna do some amazing things let's give it up for lulu

33:33Ben Mandelker: i saw hank and i was like oh of course another another gay guy had a sparkling blazer and then And I thought to myself, I thought about us on the crappies. Like, yep, that's just us, gay men in sparkling blazers. Just something that our breed does. Yeah. It's what we're raised to do. Follow Real Housewives of some kind around with sparkling jackets and speeches. So he's like, so this evening we're going to start off with a little bit of magic. All right. If I could have my ultimate girls trip ladies up here, please, everyone up here. So they come up there. Come on. Here comes one right now.

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36:15Ben Mandelker: But meanwhile, where's Portia? So Portia is in her hotel room putting on clothes. And she says, you know, we've just been going and going and going. And I have to tell you, I need a break. And like, it was a gangster brunch. and then get back to the hotel. Then I got a change and get glammed together and like looking this good. It takes some time. Which - And finding a safe? That's not making it very easy. That scene with her running around her room going, okay, where's the safe? And then you just hear someone in the other room going, Paif? No, safe. Rafe? No, safe. Paif? No, where's the safe?

36:55They were guessing every other word, but safe.

36:58Ben Mandelker: ray fines is in the hallway saying i thought i was needed um i'm just here to bring a little sensitivity to the craft ah you know they they needed me ray fines to bring some laughter and lightness to the evening uh this was kind of i was i was sort of a too conflicting feelings about this whole i don't do costumes

37:29Ben Mandelker: I don't know you. What are you from? Schindler's List. Not familiar. Is that the one where Shakespeare was in love? That was my brother in Shakespeare in love. Oh, that makes sense. Were you the one who couldn't get a job except always being hired as a landscaper? Yes, I was in the concert gardener, but that's not what that was about.

37:59what were you gonna say before I totally interrupted you for a really lame uh I was

38:04Ben Mandelker: no I think it's always important to go on a Rafe finds um a Rafe finds riff we call it a Rafe riff um but uh I the the Porsche being two hours late I'm of two mindsets first of all I think it's actually always inappropriate to be two hours late to anything unless it's like a barbecue you where like the vibe is come and go so i think it's shitty to be excessively late like that and i think it's especially shitty because you just you know raked uh lisa barlow over the coals for being 30 minutes late and then you're gonna be two hours late admittedly different situation because lisa being late means that they all could lose miss their flight which is different so i think it's just always inherently bad to be two hours late and i also really don't like the thing where someone's really late, but then they act like they're the victim.

38:50Like, oh, you should be

38:52Ben Mandelker: so impressed that I even made it here in the first place. So I always think that's like obnoxious. Like you're late. Why do you want to be the victim? Cause you're late. Like, oh my God, we should be so grateful that you walked through the snow to get here a little bit sooner than you would have been, even though you're already two hours late. But that being said, I have definitely been that person who does not want to go to an event so i drag my feet and then i'm late and i'm like i don't even want to go anymore but i'm gonna go and i'm so mad because now i just want to lie on my sofa and in my mind i'm thinking i hope they realize that i'm giving up lying on the sofa to do this and even though i'm late they should actually be saying thank you thank you for even coming i have 100 done that so that's why i'm very conflicted by this porsche thing because basically she just doesn't want to go to this event she can say whatever she wants i know she does not want to this event because luan's driving her nuts and she wasn't going to go and then she finally got it together and in her mind she's thinking you guys should just be so lucky that i'm even coming because i really given if i had to choose i wouldn't even be here what do you think where do you think what she did was right or wrong well i mean it's wrong to be late but i didn't care i don't care if a housewife is late and they she they are running them ragged on this show it's but go to this thing, then go to this thing.

40:09And the gangster brunch was in the Bronx. So that wasn't close. And then I have to come back. I have to get ready, go to this thing. I do agree that it was kind of hypocritical with the Lisa Barlow thing, but Lisa Barlow was the airport. Like they all had to get to the airport, but I didn't care that Lisa Barlow was late either, as you might recall. So to me, that was like, wow, someone's half an hour late, who cares? Like that's nothing for housewives. So I don't care that they're late really, But I did love that she was late because it gave Luann a breakdown. And we needed one, you know. I mean, it was, by the way, this entire episode from beginning to end should just become like gay lore, gay canon, gay anything.

40:52Ben Mandelker: Like it should be replicated by drag queens. Like there are monologues in here. There are moments that this should just be entered into our gay Library of Congress, this entire episode. Library of Congress. So back at the party, Hank, the MC guy, is like, oh, she's coming. Portia's coming. Don't anyone worry. Portia is going to be here soon. I'm sure of it. Nothing is going to ruin this night for my Lou, okay? But it's, you know, we're good. You good, Lou? You good? And she's like, well, you know, late is late, and it's disrespectful. I mean, it's my party. I'm hosting. She should be here. She's going to miss the magic.

41:28Well, you know, you think magic comes easy? It doesn't. It doesn't. Magic.

41:36anything that she desires except come on time apparently all right well that's going in the

41:41Ben Mandelker: album write that down hank so this guy phil gets up there and he's like my job is to okay we're gonna make you luann a little uncomfortable okay so he basically has kyle sit down over in a chair to the right and luann has sit over on the left and his whole thing is like kyle anytime I touch you lift your right arm. Okay? And she's like, got it. Anytime that someone remembers that I'm friends with Jamie Lee Curtis, raise my right arm. It's already up there.

42:17Okay, every time someone realizes, oh my god, that girl hung out with the Rat Pack. Or the Brat Pack, rather. I raised my hand. I actually did know the Rat Pack, too. They were old.

42:28Ben Mandelker: Yeah, we need to know. Okay, so the instructions are anytime you remember that you were in the franchise Halloween, raise your arm. Whoop, it's up. It's up. It's up there. Lived longer than Michael. I'll tell you that much. So they touch like Luann on the head, and then Kyle raises her hand. And he's like, ha ha, I touched Luann on the head. How come you raised your hand? She's like, what? I swear to God, someone touched me on the head. And why do I have a fly swatter imprint on my forehead? That was my energy. That was my psychic energy going through the TV. I was just waiting for Phil the Magic Man to like throw like a pellet at the ground and there to be a smoke cloud.

43:13Ben Mandelker: And then he reveals himself to be Lisa Vanderpump. It's I, the queen magician of Bravo, Lisa Vanderpump. And it's true. I have been Skyl's pup master all this time. Look at me touching Luanne, making Kyle stand up from her chair. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I just saw a clip of her. She's on the skinny but not fat show doing an interview. And it's rare to see a Vanderpump interview, I think. Isn't it rare to see a Vanderpump interview? But anyway, she's on there. And the host is like, so you've never liked Kristen, right? She's like, no, no. So never? No. Nope. Well, why not? Well, you know, I saw that Kristen was part of the friend groups.

43:55Of course I wanted her to be on the show, but I think I was nice enough to put her on the show. Am I right? I'm also a producer on the Valley. She's still on that. So you don't have to like people, darling. Wow.

44:07Ben Mandelker: I love that. I love that. Lisa Vanderpump, if you ever get on her bad side, you do not ever get off her bad side ever. Yeah. Right? She's a grudge holder. She's probably the biggest grudge holder on all of TV, on all of Bravo. though like kyle dorit dody sheena now yeah cedric she's a big one cedric oh cedric i think cedric still can't get a damn croissant in paris a place he pretended to be raised people are still probably like how dare you and no matter what people say about lisa vanderpump as my sister would say she don't gaff because my sister hangs out with my meases too much i get it so anyway we watched this thing where uh which i thought was really funny just because it's like funny to me to watch kyle think she's being tapped all over her body and she's like raising her arm and standing up out of her chair but she's not being touched at all it also felt like it felt like there was a metaphor in there like a visual metaphor i just can't place what it is but that like kyle is being like invisibly guided by others like kathy probably um or maybe like kyle is always feeling like she's being tapped like for roles and stuff and she's not you know she just keeps standing up they're like no we didn't tap you she keeps showing up for the first day of filming no actress actress is arriving for duty uh so do you need a nurse for the pit anyone no okay i'll come back tomorrow see if you need me so um this magic trick happens and um she's like oh my god i swear i was being touched oh that's crazy okay now we're gonna try something with theresa theresa are you there it's like Teresa, the answer is yes.

46:06You're here. Teresa, just come up here. Here, to the stage. Right here. Teresa, follow the sound of my voice.

46:19Ben Mandelker: All right. I'll just come to you. So, all right, Teresa. I want you to try to think of someone with you. Someone that we've never met. But I want to get in tune with you emotionally. We've never met, Teresa. Okay, think of someone from your life before the cameras, okay? Someone from your childhood, maybe. A childhood best friend. Is there someone there that you can think of? Anyone. A person. A person you met once. What about, was there an Uber driver today? Have you spoken to any person today?

46:56Ben Mandelker: Did you listen to the radio? Did you hear a... Is there someone standing right next to you? Can you look to your left and think of someone's name that might be standing to the left of you? Okay, we're going to need to swap her out. All right. I don't know how to do it. Oh, my God, Teresa. What a fucking moron. Just get someone else up there. You're ruining the magic show. Teresa is truly where magic goes to die. Pick a number. Teresa can't think of one person outside of herself. It is hilarious. think of someone before you were famous she was sat there blinking she literally couldn't do it I thought she was going to cry also just like listen you're from New Jersey just think of like a Joe or a Jody or a Tony you're fine my god so then Chanel is like oh god no I don't like this because you know it's heaven Chanel's already spooked out by this guy she thinks that he's like dark arts she's like he's from hell yeah she's like the hell is out the planet this is hell this is the hell and dolores is like oh for those of you who don't get it she thinks it's the devil because he's a mentalist and he can read your mind how can you read someone's mind how if you're not the devil no he this is not the person from cbs so then chanel um she she actually decides to volunteer and she's like do me because i'm from africa so he's like okay and he's like what's your name she's like am i on and so he's like okay i want you to think of someone okay and while while he's like talk phil's talking to chanel doing the magic show bit of like okay think of someone yada yada and the way i was just standing up there in her pirate hat and she goes what am i just a side pirate oh by the way teresa teresa you're still doing great she's just still standing there going ah blink blink blink blink blink blink blink but i love that the way and it's like oh you're just not gonna ask me even though i'm the host of this party it's my town just a side pirate listen i knew a lot of people before i was famous but even back then i would say what's your name honey and i'd write it down on my headshot i don't remember any of them so then he's like okay so um think of someone so she's like what's person's name she's ruth he goes okay ruth r-u-t-h and we never met is that true she's like i have never met this man in my life he's like i've never met this white man laughing and then he uh turns on the chalkboard and says ruth on it and everyone's like oh my god devil devil if anyone knows anyone he's the devil he would be burned in my village

49:50she said he would be burned in my village no how did he do this though this magic trick

49:56Ben Mandelker: i was thinking about this because i was had a long time on my flight i think he has someone working with him who like wrote it down and was able to somehow slide it into the frame or something like there was some some moment where there was a switcheroo very quickly because i was i don't know how he did that like did he have a fake arm and the fake arm was holding part of the chalkboard i mean look men can write with their penises but it's usually their name in the snow so i was like this is i've never seen a penis that can hold chalk and i've seen i think that there was i think there was somehow someone else wrote wrote it down and was able to i don't know honestly i don't know it blew my mind and um one time a magician made my credit card float in the air and spin around and i my mind was absolutely blown i was like that's my credit card specifically it was my texco card from 2001 and i was like what is happening and then someone said well i'll tell you how it works and they told me and i was so upset because then i knew and it ruined a good amount of magic for me because the trick is used a lot and so yeah i say don't question it just go with it otherwise your magic may be ruined thankfully i don't really remember stuff but when i was uh an apprentice in jupiter florida when i was 18 i think one of the people who can well i'll tell you when i was so harry blackstone came you know he was a big magician and they were like you are signed to secrecy and we had to sign papers because it was just all so magical and um one of his things was levitation you know he would he would levitate somebody and we saw how that was done i couldn't tell you i don't remember how it was done i mean i imagine with some strings but i couldn't even give the secret away because i don't remember it's a whole thing like i think those assistants do a lot of work that we don't realize like they really i think they carry things on and off stage in ways that we don't this is by the way this is me this is pure conjecture okay um because this is not pertaining to the spoiler that i was given 25 years ago but um uh yeah i i'm not magic it's magic it's wild yeah my lip oh so he levitates luann and uh kyle's like oh my god i'm getting scared don't cut the wind in half.

52:26Look at me, girls. Love a dating.

52:31Ben Mandelker: Okay, Dua Lipa. So then she rises up and then she goes down again. And she's like, oh my God. And Jessel's like, is that for real? Why are they raising that woman like that? Who is she anyway? They're like, wow, Jessel, you really don't know anyone. It's iconic, Jessel, Jesus. So now everyone's applauding and Lou takes the mic. oh god here we go it's a loose speech she's like oh welcome to new york everybody i don't even know how to feel right now um thankfully i feel very famous and celebrated um but you know we're celebrating 20 years of the housewives and so i've got a diary so here we go my diary started back in 2018 with my cabaret and they're like oh jesus here we go and there she she's off and she goes goes and she goes we I've seen her cabaret twice uh the first time we saw together the second time you weren't with me and the second time she had incorporated this like Q &A session into her cabaret and she had this diary it went on and on and on and on and on I was like oh gosh I'm having trauma flashbacks so she gets up and she's like she starts reading little like little cute things about her castmates that you would think okay this will take like four minutes so she's like Kyle, you could have pulled an Amsterdam on us And guess what?

53:53Ben Mandelker: You stuck around You didn't run out the door Because in Amsterdam you ran away Remember when you ran away in Amsterdam? See, what happened was Lisa ran after her glass And then you ran away out the doors And you could have done that But you didn't So thank you for staying put and not running away I don't know if people really understand what I'm saying here The point is She could have taken one foot after the other And moved in a direction away from us But instead she stayed So thank you for doing that here's the thing i was i was coming up with iconic moments from all these ladies you know kyle doesn't really have any except for running away from someone else's iconic moments so that was that you know kyle i'm having an iconic moment you could be running but you're not you're still just standing there so you're a very talented audience member kyle all right you're welcome all right next up porsche where's porsche anyone seen porsche porsche porsche porsche and then we go to porsche who is now um she's in the car and she's stuck like behind an ambulance they're they're like not moving in traffic because there's an emergency and porsche is narrating it she's like okay well we're being relate and um we're behind the ambulance we pray to god everyone's okay and the light's still on so it's a good sign and we're hoping everything's good she's like giving a play-by-play on how the emergency is going she's like so far the Paramedics went in and we're just hoping that they come out and everyone's safe and sound.

55:15Ben Mandelker: But we'll get there as soon as possible. I'm so stressed out being behind an ambulance. I mean, not only because you're stuck in traffic and it's like, oh, God, but I'm stressed for the person in the ambulance. I'm like, oh, no, they're stuck in traffic. They really need to not be stuck in traffic. You know, nobody will move. And then you're sitting in the back of the Uber and it's like the lighting keeps changing. It's like, oh, I look so good in this. I look terrible in this. I look good in this. I look terrible. It's like fucking just get a siren that makes me look cute consistently. I know.

55:44Ben Mandelker: Nothing but amber lighting, then a slightly different amber lighting, then amber lighting, then slightly different amber lighting. That's what we need. Yeah. It's like, can I take a goddamn selfie? We're stuck in traffic.

55:58Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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