Dwell Hello #515: Cat Bistros and Charming Homes in Tampa

0:00Hey guys, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Okay, can we all agree that hosting is so much fun? And I really do love it. Every weekend, it's come over for snacks, let's make dinner together, and somehow the second you put out a fruit platter, it seems that bugs show up before your friends do. This is why I have to have my Zivo flying insect trap. You plug it in and you let it do all the work. It's specially designed blue and UV light attracts the bugs you didn't know you had and wow did we have a lot like house flies fruit flies gnats and then with zivo bam next thing you know the pests are caught in the sticky cartridge and away from your yummy treats without any mess or strong odors the best part is the design is actually sleek and curved so it hides the bugs it catches keeping them out of sight and when the cartridge is full you just grab the no mess tab throw it in the trash pop in a new cartridge and then you're done no mess no stress So whether you're hosting a dinner party or spending an afternoon baking treats with all your friends, and you want to focus on hosting and not constantly swatting at bugs, Zivo has you covered with 24-7 bug protection.

1:07Plug in a Zivo flying insect trap so you can work smarter, not harder, and actually enjoy your time at home. This episode is sponsored by Butterball Turkey. Butterball. Care hard, cook easy.

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2:49Ben Mandelker: Well, hello.

3:18Ben Mandelker: Harming Homes in Tampa. And this you can find on HBO Max. So, Ronnie, you were the one who found this episode. You hand-selected it. And I'm so glad you did because it was amazing. Great work here. Yeah, you know, sometimes it's hard to find these. We usually go by your old suggestions, but since HBO turned in HBO Max, and HBO Max turned in Max, and HBO Max, there have been so many changes and they keep taking episodes that you guys are suggesting off. So this time we dug in ourselves And I mean, what can I say? I just looked for a really stupid title and it paid off because this episode was amazing.

3:55Cat Bistros. I mean, how can you not recap an episode that starts with Cat Bistros?

4:00Ben Mandelker: Yeah. And the Cat Bistros was actually like not really even part of the show. Now that I think about it, like there wasn't like a big cat presence. And Patty thinks she talks about dogs a lot. So Bistros aren't the important part. But when you know that it's going to be for the owner of a cat bistro, you know that this is not going to be for a stable person. And you need to see what's going on. You know, you have to investigate. You know, there's going to be big hair. So we open up with Linda saying, Kim left her corporate job to open up a cat bistro in Tampa, to which her former co-worker said, thank God, and is ready to buy a house.

4:40Ben Mandelker: She's looking for a homey bungalow with historic charm, but with a new business, she doesn't want to spend a lot, especially on hair conditioner. And then we see Unconditioned Kim with her eyes wide. And she's one of those people who talks with her eyes really wide and her forehead creased so that she looks like she's thinking deeply, but she never really is. And she's like, yeah, you know, look, it's me looking for houses. And she's also looking with her cousin Fred and her agent, her sister, Ilka, giving her advice. Wanted or not, she'll have a lot to sort through. Including boxes of kitty litter.

5:18Ben Mandelker: So now we get into the show properly. So we're in Tampa. And we see the cat cafe, which I guess is called Feline? It's a little on the nose. That's like club club all over again. so we see Kim and she's arranging tables and Ilka's with her and they're like hi hi how are you hi they have like my New York heart started to like sing because they have such like clipped New York accents it was just great already to listen to them yeah and they're both you know like older New York chicks you know bitching at each other the whole episode so it was great so Kim's like yeah I'm originally from New York I've been from Tampa of, you know, for goodness, over 20 years.

6:01And I came down a few years after my sister, you know, I recently started my own business at Cat Cafe. Love it. Love animals. Love people. Love food. Hate the health department. Okay. Those guys can suck a dick. But, you know, cats are great. They do run. You know, you have to tell people, close the door. You know, I really should invest in one of those doors that close themselves. But, you know, cats are fast. Cats are known for being fast. You can't really trust a cat. You know, they'll eat your face when you die is true. So

6:27Ben Mandelker: I'll tell you who's not fast. Ilka. Very slow, my sister. I love her to death. Very slow. Look, now we're going to go arrange some tables and chairs. Ilka, you can help me arrange some tables and chairs. Come on. You know what? I don't like where these chairs are. How about we move the chairs over here? Gimme. Gimme. Gimme. Why we rearranging chairs? Why? I got to make sure it's perfectly aligned. Cats like precision. Yeah, but you know what? It looks fine the way it was. Like, it was fine unaligned. You don't need alignment. It's a table. Do you want to be on this House Hunters episode or not?

6:53Ben Mandelker: Okay, I want the chairs aligned. I do. I do. I'm grateful for you. I love you. I'm grateful. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I love what you've done with the hair. Love the curls. It's beautiful. You know what? Sometimes I think that Ilka forgets that I'm an adult. You know, because she's nine years older. She kind of thinks she has to always give me her opinion and advice. She never shuts the fuck up. That's Ilka for you. Okay. Shut your mouth, Ilka. Okay. That could have been a second name because that's what my mom was always saying growing up. Shut your mouth, Ilka. Wearing a shirt.

7:18Shut your mouth, Ilka. Wearing a shirt. Shut your mouth, Ilka. It's all I ever heard. You know what, Kimmy? Well, other than Ilka's mouth, which was always open.

7:26Ben Mandelker: You know what, Kimmy? You took my opinion with this brick wall. Okay, don't forget this brick wall over here. This was an Ilka special. It does look good. Look at the brick wall. It was an Ilka special. You got to trust me. I understand things with bricks. Ilka did that. You know what? Sometimes Ilka opens her mouth and bricks come out. And look what they created. A faux brick wall. Very good. Very good. Yeah. I said, Kimmy, Kimmy, you know what this brick wall needs? Two frame mirrors. And what did you do? What did you do? You put up two frame mirrors. and guess what? Guess what? People walk in here and they say, love the mirrors.

7:52Ben Mandelker: That was me. That was Ilka. I have something to contribute to society. Okay? It goes like, yeah, I put up a brick wall because you know what talking to Kim is like? Talking to a brick wall. So I said, you might as well put up a brick wall. She did it and it turned out to be fantastic. Kim is, so she says, I'm happily divorced. I do have a 19-year-old son. He's in school somewhat. He's actually a performer. He's a juggler. So sometimes he goes down to the main street in Tampa and just juggles things around. I said, why are you juggling? I got to put up some mirrors on the brick wall that your aunt made me put up.

8:24Ben Mandelker: So he's mostly flown the coop by now. So this is apropos of nothing, but did you know that there's like a whole group of kids now that just a whole segment of the population of children, I guess I should say, that are something now called unschooled. Have you ever heard that term? My sister is a teacher, and she teaches a lot of homeschooled kids. Yes, there's actually a thing now where people are unschooled. I was like, well, what is that? Is that like homeschooled? And she goes, no, it's just where people decide that they're going to let their kids learn on their own. And so they don't go to a school.

8:57And I said, so they have homeschooling, right? She goes, no, they're just, they don't, they work. Like, what the fuck, bro? Like, how is that even happening? Aren't we stupid enough in this country? Oh my God.

9:09Ben Mandelker: It doesn't work. That does not work. I'm telling you that right now. It does not work. It doesn't work. No kid's just going to be like, oh, you know what? I feel like learning today algebra just because well this also means that people are just going to learn really select they're going to cherry pick what they learn and they're not going to have proper context for anything that's such a terrible idea if anyone here is unschooling their children you should uh maybe school yourself on on some things because that's yeah stop like you owe your you owe you owe everybody around you when you have a child not to come out with a fucking moron okay make an effort unschooling your children come on man unschooling is ridiculous is unschooling is just lazy parenting that's a parent that doesn't want to deal with like the hassles of education and like dealing with your kid's homework making sure your kid goes to school doesn't worry about having a kid that gets thrown out of school so they just don't send them to school in the first place and then the people who have to deal with it are the rest of us who deal with your moron child for the rest of their lives while they while they terrorize society oh my god unbelievable unbelievable well i'm glad we got that in there on this cat bistro recap so the reason is because now i'm worried for this kid because she's like yeah i have a kid you know he's in school somewhat of course he's 19 so maybe he wasn't unschooled yeah yeah so then we see um we see nathaniel nathaniel my son um and then we see pictures of her with the cats and dogs and stuff like that and then she says that she's like in a rental but like it doesn't you know why am i going to keep giving money away what why am i doing this and you know i had a divorce I got a divorce.

10:42Ben Mandelker: I gave so much money to the divorce. Why do I want to give money to a rental? I want to own something. You know, I'm not like Ilka, who's just happy with her curly hair and some sort of rental down there in downtown Tampa next to a Chipotle. I want to actually make something with my life. Yeah. What am I? What am I wasting my life for somebody else? Why am I giving them all my money? Because it's where you live. Like you have to pay for where you live. Kind of standard. It's kind of standard. Well, guess what, everyone? My real estate agent is actually my cousin. Excuse me. He's our cousin. He's our cousin.

11:10not just yours Kim we both got a cousin he's our cousin he likes me more though that's why he's my cousin

11:17Ben Mandelker: he doesn't kill the cafe Ilka he doesn't like the brick wall he said I don't know if I could be cousins with someone who puts up this brick wall in the middle of your beautiful cat cafe so you know what I wouldn't teach him how to make out before prom and you know he's never dropped it Fred, my god he is like a brother to Kim but I'm not going to be your kissing cousin I told him sorry, sorry Get in the line, mister. Okay. So then we meet Fred Quinonez, cousin, real estate agent. He's like, oh, hi, it's me, Fred. Hello, Ilka. I'm not making out with you, Fred. Okay. Okay, Fred, this is what I'm talking about for what I want in the house.

11:58Ben Mandelker: Okay. I can't go above$300 ,000, but it shouldn't be a problem. Because if I could wave a magic wand, I would get my sister out of here. Let's be honest. I'd send her off to Idaho or something like that. But if I could wave my magic wand, it would be like a 1920s bungalow. Is that what it's called? A bungalow? I like things that have a story. I like things that have character. Unlike Ilka and her dresses. Something that you want to look at. I want it to have an intimate feel. That's what I want. I want an intimate feel. Not sexual, Ilka. Why are you always taking everything to that? That's what intimate means.

12:37You get intimate with somebody, you get sexual with it. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. It's my house. Okay. But I want it tiny. I want a little, tiny, huge house. I want a tiny house that I can spread out in. Does that make sense? I want it cozy, but I want it craftsman, but I want it modern, but I want it old. Does that make sense, Fred?

12:53Ben Mandelker: Here's what I want, Fred. I want it to be old. I want it to be small. I want the appliances to not work. And I don't want lighting. I want to make it sure it's dark. I want to make sure there's fire hazards. I want to make sure it's not up to code. and I want to make sure there's a small yard, not a big yard. Can you find that? He's like, so what do you want? Two bedrooms, three bedrooms? You know what? I would say three is too much, Fred. Okay, like I definitely want two with one bath. I only want one bathroom. That's all I want. I don't want any, I want everybody to have to come into my bathroom to poop.

13:30Ben Mandelker: Ideally, if that bathroom is located in the most intimate, intimate again, part of the house, that's what I want. if you could actually have it that you have to go through my bedroom and then through my closet and then you get to the bathroom that would be perfect

13:48and the other guy's like well you know having two bathrooms would be incredibly important to have privacy no you know what you know what i don't want that and you know what else i don't want natural light i hate natural light okay as odd as that may sound i like something that's not well lit because i like i'm a vampire i like dark spaces fenced in yards for the pets no carpeting i want something just stone and dark do you have a coffin is there a coffin with running water

14:16Ben Mandelker: this she's actually the perfect candidate for house hunters because she's like every place that always people are disgusted by that's like exactly what she wants on her i don't want carpeting i also don't want hardwood floors you what i want just disgusting old grass that has died and maybe some broken glass too. Could it be in the worst neighborhood in town? I just want it to be in a terrible neighborhood. I don't want any stores around me. I only want, you know, kind of people without homes surrounding me. Is that possible? Is there any way that you can find a place where there's someone pooping on the sidewalk outside?

14:50Ben Mandelker: Can you put this on a very major street with a lot of traffic and far away? I do not want to be near the center of town. Please, please.

15:03the less space for my car the better so fred's like all right look we've got some very specific things you're looking for but for that price point you're not going to get everything you're looking for okay you're going to get a stick of gum for that price so i've seen i've got i've got homes i've selected ilka are you going to come you're going to be available ilka you you want

15:23Ben Mandelker: to you know i don't know you want to help me out here i don't know i think i got something in my teeth maybe you can inspect it with your tongue i'm not sure i'm not sure what do you think you know what i would say that ilka can come to some but she can't come to all okay because i really need to have some space seeing the houses without her opinions in my ear like this chattering in my ear she's like one of those little things you wind up they're like little teeth you wind them up you put them on your desk they clack clack clack clack clack that's ilka okay i don't need that brick wall brick wall brick wall brick wall brick wall brick wall brick wall but how does it look how does it look the person looks good ilka it looks good i'm not gonna lie it looks good so then uh now it's time to go to house number one and so kim and ilka are driving she's okay you know what ilka i just wanted i just wanted i just wanted to let you know something i didn't tell fred you were coming she's like why not you know what because you annoyed me at lunch and i wasn't gonna bring you i'm not gonna lie i was like she's gonna try to make out with her cousin again i don't want this happening on camera but i thought you know what you're my sister you need some excitement in your life.

16:21Ben Mandelker: Maybe the cameraman might like you. I don't know. It should get you out of my hair. I thought, I don't know. I'll do a good deed. See you here. Oh, well, good lord. I guess I'm lucky I made it. I'm lucky I made the cut. Am I right? By the way, you could use one. I'm just saying. Come on. Come on. Just get out of the car. All right. Well, first up, a well-priced home that's just 25 minutes from Kim's cat piss smelling business. So she'll have a short commute. So they pull up and she's like, oh my God. So it's a bungalow with a slanted roof to one side and a red door and shutters and a white picket fence.

16:57Ben Mandelker: Ilka's like, it's a shoebox. Quiet. You're lucky you should even be here. You're so lucky you even see a shoebox. Some people never get to see a shoebox in their life. Quiet, sister. Okay, but you know what? I wanted it small and it's 800 square feet. And that's small, right? That's small. So that's what I asked for. So Fred comes up and Ilka's like, Fred, there's no driveway. I mean, quite a few of the other homes have a driveway. I'm looking around. So why doesn't this? Is this home being bullied, Fred? Like, why was this home not given a driveway when all the other homes were given a driveway?

17:28It seems a little bit unfair, Fred.

17:31Ben Mandelker: Yeah, it is a bit of a problem. I'm not going to lie. You know, I would like a driveway. So that way when Ilka comes over in her 1974 Toyota Camry, that embarrasses everyone in the family. She has some place to park it. But otherwise, I love this. I love this exterior. It's beautiful. You know, the picket fence. And you know what I like? I like that it has a fence. It's got a fence. Ilka, you're right. It has a fence. I love the picket fence. Ilka's very into fences. You know, I love fences as well. The picket fence, so cute. It gives it so much character. It says, don't come in me unless the door swings open, in which case you can come into me.

18:03You know what I mean?

18:05Ben Mandelker: You know, these picket fences, it reminds me, Fred, remember when we were children and Ilka was always writing letters to be part of the Fivish Finkel fan club? She just loved picket fences. Oh, I love Fivish. I love. now if Fivish tried to ask me to teach it how to make out before prom I would have done it I mean Fivish what a man what a man what a man what a money Fivish man so they go with Favish so she's like oh and the colors the colors Ilka look at the colors of the house they're gray and red I mean this is crazy they make the house pop they make the house pop so they they enter and they are looking at the living it's this is it's as big as my desk this living room it is so small how do you even call this a living room you couldn't even fit a table into this room it's like a hallway it's a hallway it's so small and any other person on house hunters would be like oh my god i mean this is ridiculous this is almost why are you even showing me this and kim's like well look at this you know i envision this as a living space we could put a love seat here and then we can stack the coffee table on top of that and then a chair on top of that that way you technically have all your living room furniture and it fits into this tiny alcove where you're gonna put your drink okay you know what we keep the drink in the hallway if i need it i get up and i go get the drink like who cares it's just well you have to be more solution oriented ilka i don't know what this is the problem this is why you're not getting ahead in life so what are you talking about for tv then she goes i won't have a tv i'm kim like why would i need a tv a tv it's not intimate a tv it's not cozy.

19:39All right. Well, I'm thinking ahead. One day you trick somebody into dating you and you decide to bring him here. And what? No TV? What are you going to do? Talk to him? I mean, come on. Have you heard yourself talk?

19:49Ben Mandelker: Well, we can. You know what? We'll watch TV at his place. I really don't know why you're being so anti right now, Ilka. You're so lucky that you came along here, even after you had onion rings and his breath smells like honestly quite, quite disgusting. I mean, Fred's right here. Okay. You know what? That's fair. So Fred is like, well, this house was built in 1924. So finding a house in the 20s, you know, listen, that's hard enough in this price point. But the value of the houses, they're a bit above this. So this is definitely great for 300. And I'm interested to see what she thinks about the house.

20:20Let's find out. Have you seen how Ilka's butt moves the way she walks? Look at her walk. Look at her walk. Stay back here, camera crew. Just watch Ilka walk into this house.

20:29Ben Mandelker: Look at the way her left butt cheek scrapes against that wall while her right butt cheek scrapes against the window too. Very narrow hallway. This is dark. This is a dark place. The lighting. I really like the lighting. It's a little dark. I like dark, Ilka. That's what we're here for. I like dark. Ilka, do you want to be on this show or not? If I say I like something, you're supposed to say I'm proud of you. Not say it's too dark for me. You're not living here, Ilka. You never will. Hey, ladies, ladies. Maybe she likes it dark because it makes her feel safe. You know what, Fred? Maybe that is why I like it.

21:07Maybe I feel safe in here, Ilka. Okay?

21:10Ben Mandelker: Well, it makes me feel a little depressed. I don't know. I don't know, Kimmy. I'm a little depressed in here. I'm not going to lie. It's making me sad. What doesn't make you feel depressed? Okay? You are depressed. You're a depressed person, Ilka. Okay? Don't blame the house for your own shortcomings. I'll tell you what doesn't make me feel depressed. Kathy in the comics. Hilarious. It just brings so much sunshine. Oh, her hero is Kathy. She loves Kathy. I do love Kathy. I love her. She loves her. I mean, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Well, what else could you want? Oh gosh, she loves her. You know that game where you say pick three celebrities you could have dinner with?

21:40Ilka picks Kathy, Kathy, and Kathy every single time.

21:43Ben Mandelker: I would love to. More Kathy the merrier. I mean, could you imagine bringing Kathy into this dark house? She would hate it. I'd be embarrassed. I'd be mortified. Kathy from the cartoons? Yeah, she's hot. Yeah, Kathy's pretty fun. Kathy's hot. Yeah, I read her every Sunday. Not gonna lie, she has a sick body. She has a sick body. I dream of having a body someday. But you know what? Fred, enough. so they look at the flooring, they're like, very nice, very nice flooring, very nice, and they go into, he's like, well, this could be a bedroom, and Ilka's like, is it not a bedroom, because it doesn't have a closet, and he goes, that's right, she goes, I thought so, yeah, I thought so, just want to score, that's one point for Ilka, just want to say, I got a point, Ilka's like, well, we could also knock down this wall, so then you have a bigger living room, you know, if you want, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not going to do that.

22:34I can afford that. I can afford that. Look, I need to look at the house as it is, Ilka. Okay. We're not, we're not falling in love with our home potential. We're falling in love with the current home, Ilka. Okay.

22:44Ben Mandelker: This one, this one, she wants, she begs to come on the show. She begs to come on the show. And the first thing she does, she embarrasses me by saying, let's knock down a wall. We're not going to, we're not going to disrespect the architect's vision for this house, Ilka, with your whims and your fantasies. It's not going to happen. You know what? You're not coming to the next house. I'm saying it right now. You know what, Fred? I tell Ilka the reason she's the type of person to write people on death row love letters is because she's always falling in love with potential and not what's there. I say you're not writing a letter to someone who could be a good man when he gets out, okay?

23:13You're writing a letter to somebody who's on death row, Ilka. Do you understand?

23:17Ben Mandelker: She can't make up in mind. One moment she say, put up a brick wall. Put up a brick wall in your cafe. And now she comes here and she says, take down the wall. What do you want, Ilka? This is why you can't find love. People can change. Listen, I'm just saying. People can change. You know what? You're right. When she's right, she's right. Thank you. So they go outside and Ilka's, you know, behind her. She's like, she wants my opinion, but then, you know, she gets a little miffed. I mean, that's just how it is. Okay, this back. Okay, let's look in. Okay, let's go into another bedroom. Well, you know what?

23:48Ben Mandelker: Honestly, Fred, it's small. This is a small bedroom. No one would ever be able to really, really relax in here. I love it. I love it. Well, remember, remember when you said you wanted smaller and tighter. So that's what we have here. We got smaller and tighter. That's what you asked for. She says, you know what? Yeah. You know what, Fred? You're right. You're right. That is what I asked for. And we're going to see other places. So ultimately, this doesn't have to be the end all be all. Am I right? It doesn't have to be the end all be all. Right, Ilka? Oh, I can talk now? Oh, that's great. So am I going to get to see the other homes?

24:22Or is it just this? Am I only, do I only see this? She's like, you know, I don't know. Probably not. I don't know. This is probably it for you, Ilka.

24:29Ben Mandelker: I'm honestly, I'm still pretty pissed about that wall comment. I really don't like how you disrespected Cousin Fred's hard work here, finding this house and the architect. It's just not appropriate, Ilka. You know what I'd like you to do? I'd like you to go back to the school where you're substituted each because this is just not the right place. Listen, listen, let me solve the fight, ladies, okay? I like a woman with a mouth on her, all right? I like a mouthy broad. You know what? I'm your Cousin Fred. Just stop. Just stop, Fred. It's not going to work. Hey, listen, don't ever let hope die. you know what cousin Fred if Kimmy's not going to let me come to another house then let's just say how it really is look I can reach the other from one hand to the other I can reach one wall to the other I just want to say that that's how small this house is fine I'm saying it all I'm being honest right now I'm being the sister who's being honest what are you Jerry Steinman you're very funny very funny Ilka very very Jerry Steinfeld you are hilarious Ilk this says less about how small the house is and how long her arms are I've always got long arms.

25:28Ben Mandelker: You got to hide them. So they check out the primary bedroom and Kim's like, well, you know what? I mean, this is smaller than what I'm in now. You know, I could barely even fit my head in here. Yeah. You can barely fit your head in anywhere since it grew so much after you got a cat business. I mean, geez, you'd think the woman owned the Mall of America the way she acts. You know, she puts up one brick wall. Now she thinks she can comment on anything, you know? All right. Well, this room is this bedroom is way too small. Love it. Okay. Let's go into the kitchen. Oh, God, look at this. Look at this kitchen.

25:59Ben Mandelker: Not a single window in sight. It's dark. Everything is old. It's small. I can't cook in anything. It's honestly what I call this. It's a dream. It's a mitzvah. I love it. It's perfect. It's perfect. Okay. You know what? Ilka, why are you giving that look? Well, I mean, what are you going to do? What if you want to have a holiday? Oh, you know, if we're going to have a holiday, you do the cooking. I'm not doing that cooking. We can do it at your house. Like, what are we doing? Thanksgiving at my house? No, I'm not going to do that. No one's coming over here. No one's coming over here. We're not doing Thanksgiving.

26:27Ben Mandelker: We're not doing holidays. We're not doing Arbor Day. Okay. No one's coming in here. And Fred's like, well, what about the floors? Can we at least talk about the floors? Yeah. Well, you know, I'm noticing that the kitchen floor tiling is different than the light wood floors elsewhere. And I don't know, two different types of floors in a single house. Seems kind of crazy. Seems a little wild. Seems a little loud, like Ilka's Tops that she gets from Ross. It's perfect. I love it. I love it. I love it. actually okay yoko what do you think about the flaws well actually short short tempered mean uh your bra's too tight no not the flaws the flaws i just said okay you want more uh you need to shave your mouth and uh you smell like old cheese not the floors the floors floors i don't know what she wants you see she asked me to talk and then i talk and then she gets upset so i'm just not going to talk anymore.

27:22Ben Mandelker: Well, guess what? Here's something to match my sister's mouth. A potty. Okay. There's a potty off the side of the kitchen. Oh, now we're having a potty? Oh, great. Now you're going to have a potty. Okay. I see. Well, good. By the way, make sure you wash your hands when you go out of the bathroom because it's attached to the kitchen and you don't want to get any germs because the health department is going to come and get your pots and pans just the way they did at the cat cafe. It's like, I love it. It's tiny. It's right off the kitchen perfect i love it okay you know what and okay goes you know what i just noticed in this kitchen and bathroom that are both one thing um there's not even a window it's very dark like there needs to be a window love it love it you know windows love it if there's a fire you'll die in the fire what part of me putting my hands up by my head and closing my my palms very quickly and saying love it do you not understand love it and i love i love fred because fred goes to each their own.

28:18Am I right?

28:21Ben Mandelker: Oh, God. It's not even a window. He's like, you want someone pooping while you're trying to cook a Pop-Tart in the dark? You know what? If that's your thing, that's your thing. I love you, cousin. Listen, cousin Fred, please tell my sister Kim. There's exposed wires everywhere. This is a health hazard. Love it. Love it. Love it. End of discussion. I'd pay extra for that. Fred, she's not coming to the next house. I'm just telling you that right now. She's not coming. So they go to like a kind of shit, dry, weedy, gross backyard. And it's like, love it. The dogs are gonna love this. They're gonna love this.

28:55It's fenced in, it's fenced in, and it's fenced in. That's all.

28:59Ben Mandelker: You know what I love? Chain link fence, my favorite type of fence. I don't need picket. I don't need picket. You need chain. This is beautiful. It's chic. It's intimate. Love it. Love it. So they go over the pros and cons. Kim's like, I really like the lighting, the lack of space, the lack of light, the lack of taste, the yard, the weeds. Love the weeds. There's no carpeting, you know, and Ilka's like, yeah, you know, that bathroom's a concern. You know, there's no garage, there's no driver. You know what? Ilka has a point sometimes. Ilka, score one for you. That was for you, Ilka. But you know what?

29:34Ben Mandelker: Having a bathroom off of the kitchen, if you have to go number two, you can cover up the smell with marinara on the stovetop. It all works out pretty well. So, now we go to Fred's car and now it's just Fred and Kim. Ilka has been dumped. Ilka really did get dumped. When she said, you know what, you're not coming on the next one. I was like, okay, funny. I was like, oh, she really dropped Ilka from the show. She dropped Ilka. Ilka disappears until the end. Why would you do that? I fucking loved Ilka. And I have to say, Ilka is the most patient sister of all time. Like, Kim is so rude to her the whole time.

30:13She's like, shut up, Ilka. You know what? Ilka's like, okay. You know what? Fair. Fair.

30:18Ben Mandelker: Justice for Ilka. Well, now Fred has lined up a slightly bigger house with a driveway that is somewhat livable in, so I'm just going to assume that she'll hate it. So we're here, and they're heading to it. The next house is a$300 ,000 budget. 35 minutes from Kim's business. Kim's like, you know what? It's a bit far out. And you know what else is far out? whatever Ilka was wearing yesterday. Do you remember that top? Oh my God, so many circles. I haven't seen a grocery store anywhere. Where is Ilka going to take down missing posters and then, you know, try and call and pretend that she knows where the people are so she can get cash?

30:57Ben Mandelker: Fred, did you follow my joke? Did you see what I was doing there with the joke? Because you didn't laugh. I just want you to know, you're my realtor. You have to laugh. And you may be my cousin, but you're also my realtor. You got to laugh at my jokes. I'm laughing on the inside, okay? But look, let's look at this house, okay? This house is only 265. You know, it's got a nice, you know, I mean, look, look, look, look what's there. Is it a driveway? It's a driveway. It's a beautiful driveway. Look at the driveway. It's a driveway. It's a place for me to park my car. I hate it. It's a place for me to park your car.

31:27Ben Mandelker: Why do we need to have a place for me to park my car? It's just taking up space. Listen, it's a driveway. You know, that's what they do. So look, it's got a, it's got a white picket fence as well. You know, look at this. It's got a blue front door. What do you think of that? I don't know about the color. I don't know about the color. Oh, no. You know what? I love the color. I changed my mind. I love it. There's a white picket fence here. I love that, too. I love it. So they go inside, and it's sort of open concept. Because this one is bigger, and it's open concept. It has this sort of vaulted ceiling-ish thing.

31:59Ben Mandelker: It's like a round. It's just a taller ceiling. And it looks kind of gross in there. There's like yellowish walls or greenish walls or something like that. and it staged very poorly. And so she's like, you know what? This is nice, but it's a little spacious. You know? How is this spacious? It's not even as big as a car, okay? I'll tell you, I'll tell you, when you go from 800 square feet to 825 square feet, it just is too roomy. It's like a mansion now. I don't like it.

32:34So, yeah, she's like, yeah, this is too huge for me. It's like a mansion. I mean, I don't know. And he's like, well, you know, I know you like it more confined and a little darker. And she's like, yeah, you know, I wouldn't say confined, Fred. Okay, that's like a dark word. Like what is Ilka trying to date my house? Come on.

32:51Ben Mandelker: Fred, Fred, look at this kitchen. This is way too modern. Okay, I want it renovated, but I don't want it to be actually look good. I mean, I want something that looks like it's from, you know, 1905. I want rust. Okay, I want things cracked. I want drips. Whatever can drip, let it drip. Okay, this is disgusting. something that's metal, clean, new, working. I don't know, Fred. I feel like you don't really understand me. Well, look, you know, in case you like a snack while you're working on business, you know, like there's a fridge. Look at that. A fridge and an office, okay? Somewhere for Nathaniel to come and crash.

33:23There's a bed. What is he going to sleep on? A refrigerator? Like, is that what he's going to sleep on, Fred?

33:29Ben Mandelker: It's very modern. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this refrigerator. For refrigerators everywhere, it's too much. I mean, if I wanted something big and boxy here, I'd just have Elka come back. She's also cold inside, which helps. You know what I love about? They go look at number. Oh, no, they just looked at the fridge. Sorry. So then she's like, you know, like now we're in a big bathroom. They go into a bathroom. It's like one of those plastic installed showers. She goes, oh, wow. Very modern. Very modern. She does not like this plastic shower. She's like very disgusted by it. and then she's like, you know, I gotta say, Fred, I'm noticing that there's a second bathroom here in this house.

34:12Ben Mandelker: We don't need to have two bathrooms, okay? It's just gonna be me and my son. If I walk in on him while he's pooping, that's what happens. I'm his mother. I've seen it all before. Why does everyone act like it's a big deal? I want one bathroom. You know what? You know what I enjoy doing? I actually really enjoy waiting to be able to use the bathroom. That's fun to me because then you stand there, you think about things, you think about life, you think about what you get doing in the bathroom and make the whole experience better. I don't want to have access to each one of us gets our own bathroom.

34:37Ben Mandelker: That's ridiculous, Fred. He's like, well, what if Nathaniel wants privacy? You know what? What if I wanted a third boob? That's not what we have. Okay.

34:48So now they go look at the backyard and it's bigger than the last one. And it is fenced in, but chain link fence, you know, and it's kind of a rundown backyard, but she walks out and she goes, oh my God, the dogs would love this. I love this. I'd prefer the inside to be more cozy, you know, But the outside, the dogs, they're going to run around. Oh, my God. They're going to poo-poo out here. Dogs. You know what I mean? They're going to love it here. You know dogs. You know what they like? Outside and pooping. And snacks. And snacks. Is there a snack here? Is there a snack here? Can you find me a place with a snack?

35:20Ben Mandelker: How about we bring the refrigerator from the office and put it in the backyard? Okay, see, it's solved. It all worked out. Her other big complaint about the house is that once you tip out of it. You're good at this, Fred. You're good. after you move out of the main like central public area and you go into the bedrooms, the ceiling is lower. She's like, you know what? The ceiling is very low in here. It's very like you're the one who liked the living room in the last house. That was the size of a shoe box. She's like, I don't know. As a short person, I need my ceilings to be taller. This is, I don't know.

35:48Ben Mandelker: I don't know how I feel about this.

35:53She's got such weird things that she gets hung up on. So she, they like that. So let's go to listing number three. So Fred has found a place that's closer to Kim's work, but it comes at a prize, guys. It's 20 minutes from Kim's business. But this one, oh my God. First, let's watch Kim park. So Kim's like, oh, Fred, Fred, don't laugh at my lack of parking skills. She's parked like five feet from the curb. And he's like, yeah, I'm not going to say a word about that. But yikes, yikes, Jimmy, yikes. Do you mind if I text Ilka? I do mind. I do mind. Okay, Ilka's not here for a reason, Fred.

36:26Ben Mandelker: Fred, I'm noticing that we seem to be on a major thoroughfare. It sounds like there'll be a lot of traffic, a lot of honking. There could be car accidents right outside my door. A lot of noise pollution. Just want to say, love it. Love it. Love it. Love it so much. Love it so much. So much. This one's$300 ,000. Wow. Huge surprise, Fred. Huge. $300 ,000. What am I, Freddy Rockefeller? Was that a Rockefeller? I don't even know. You always said he wanted to be a Rockefeller. It's so funny. You should just be happy for who you are. That's why I always tell Elka. Although that's why I also don't like Elka being around because she's too much who she is.

37:00Okay. So let me tell you, let me tell you, just tell me something, Fred. So you bring me to a place that's at the top of my budget. It's on a busy thoroughfare. Okay. And there's no driveway. Wow. Fred. Love it. Great work, Fred. I actually love what you do.

37:15Ben Mandelker: He's like, well, there's actually a driveway in the back. Well, don't tell me that, Fred. You know, you're trying to sell this house to me. Don't tell me there's actually a driveway in the back. Okay. He's like, listen, I just want you to rest assured that people are going to be entering through the back. What am I, Ilka? Okay, who put these potted pink flowers here by the door? It's too charming. Okay, here's what I want. Broken flower pots. Can you get that from me, Fred? Can you get a debt of flower? That would be great. So they go in and he's like, this one's going to be pretty spectacular.

37:49Now listen, this house has been on the market for over 100 days, which means we could get it at a lower price. Oh my God, Ilka's been on the market for like 19 years. Like, what is she worth now,$2?

38:02Ben Mandelker: Jeez. You know, it's funny that you called this house a diamond in the rough because I call Ilka just a rough in the rough. Am I right? She's the rough. Just rough, pure rough, roughage, right? Right. So this is 1903, three bedrooms, one bath. And there's like a kitchen living space, which we know she's going to hate, right? Because she hates big places and it's all white. It's functional rooms. So funny. So she's like, it's so expansive. Oh my God, look at this. It's not, it's like as big as a backseat. And she goes, I love the floor. I love it. And he goes, yep, this is LVP. LVP, baby. Oh, you know, she's so hilarious on television.

38:51Ben Mandelker: I didn't know she came up with her own brand of flooring. He's like, no, that stands for luxury vinyl plank. Luxury? Who needs that? If I wanted luxury, I would, well, I don't know. I was about to say something about Ilka, but we know that she doesn't have anything to do with luxury. Am I right? Can we look into SVP, maybe some struggling vinyl plank? That would be great, friend. Okay. so um they she's like you know what look at this odd space look at this so this kitchen there's an oven but there's like a little a little space in the corner that that's very odd that you know i'd have to go around the oven to get into the cabinet love that idea i love the idea of squeezing in because it'll remind me that you know what i gotta do i gotta use one of my one bathrooms listen kim listen it's got nice floors it's got a functional kitchen there's no holes in walls.

39:40Okay. What do you want from me?

39:43Ben Mandelker: I don't know. Maybe you could take my cousin out on a date after all. She's so unhappy, Fred. You know what? It's just like Ilka undone. Okay. It's also very bright in here. By the way, it's not bright in here. It has like two windows with the shades pulled down. She's like, I can barely, what am I in heaven? What am I in heaven right now, Fred? Ugh. Ugh. It's so bright, but at least you have these lovely horizontal Venetian blinds. God, height of class in here i love it he's like well if it's too bright you just keep your shades closed you know what it's a smart idea love love that love a workaround you're always been my favorite cousin i'm not gonna lie fred and listen the fact that you got a third bedroom that's something to consider for nathaniel you know maybe you could have the other room for a guest or an office she goes a guest an office disgusting both disgusting you know but you know what less cozy but i need to think about it i'm gonna think about it real hard okay and uh the the title of that thought is going to be Fred's failures.

40:38Okay.

40:39Ben Mandelker: Can we go right to the bathroom, Fred? Okay. So let's go to the bathroom. Look, this medicine cabinet, this mirror of the medicine, you know, disgusting. And another one of these manufactured bath, you know, I don't want a bathtub that's manufactured and doesn't leak. What I want are tiles falling off of the wall. That's charm, Fred. Maybe you know something about it. Well, let me tell you, you want to find the positive? Plastic fiberglass is more durable than 100-year-old toilets. But it's not pretty. I need to have a shower that looks pretty so that way when I'm in it and my eyes are closed because the shampoo, I can't get the shampoo in my eyes.

41:18Ben Mandelker: Have I got shampoo in your eyes? You can't have it. I want to just know that there's something pretty around me that I can't see because it's too dark. Yeah, and like, look,$300 ,000, that's a small fortune. Is this spectacular enough? I mean,$300 ,000, it should be wrapped in gold. I mean, come on, Fred. I want a gold shower. I'm just going to say it right now, Fred. This is where I want to put my luxury. Can you make that for me? But your standard versus what is reality in the market, that's a different thing. You know what? You've got a valid point, Fred, because that's what I tell Ilka about her go fish pictures.

41:51You know? So you've got to be real, Ilka, but not too real. Okay? There's a market.

41:59Ben Mandelker: Ilka was on a site called Bagel Meets Coffee. And then after that, she was in a site called Ilka Ate a Bagel. And it was just her. It's actually a very good site. She has a lot of great content on it. It was her blog. She never met anyone on it, though. It was too bad. She did, however, find a very lovely bagel. You know what? The problem with Ilka is she likes an everything bagel. And I tell her, you know, Ilka, you can't have everything. You can't have everything. Choose a seed and stick with it. That's what I tell her all the time. She'll never learn. so they go to the backyard and this one does have pavement kind of and it's got it's for a two car driveway and there's um white shells in the yard it's just oh white shells you know because anything the dogs might leave or deposit quote unquote might be easy to see in scoop am i right yeah that's great that's great fred good job i love a backyard where you're gonna see every speck of dog poop that's ever come out.

42:57Ben Mandelker: I want a backyard that highlights dog feces. It's very important. I need to know what the dog feces is before I go to my cat company. Are you following Fred? I work for cats, but I care for dogs. I'm sorry. I was texting Ilka asking her about a bagel.

43:17Ben Mandelker: So now we go to the cat cafe for some decisions. So Kim has reunited with Ilka. And Ilka's like, you know the first bungalow was very vintagey please don't say it i know you're gonna say something about my top i love this thing i've had it for 10 years i'm not getting rid of it kimmy you know what uh you do what you need to do you do what you need to do i'm eating a bagel do what you need to do eat the bagel well you know i did love the flooring in the backyard of that tiny shoe box that you seem very happy with but i personally i'd like to see you in something bigger. I just think that would be better for you.

43:54Okay, okay. Well, let me tell you first of all, I'm having a VIP event here, okay? VIP. Do you understand? So, Ilka, listen to this. I'm having a VIP event here, and guess what we're going to have here? The top influences in Tampa. Okay? We're going to have the top Tampa influences at this feline influencing VIP event. Can we please see footage of this VIP event? Who are you having coming to your VIP cat fancy event.

44:25Ben Mandelker: Are you going to get the cube cheese from Publix? I told you it was VIP. Is that even a question? Of course, of course. To put over the Doritos. What am I, a monster? It's VIP. Get some meats from Skaglio's. They do great meats. Okay, let me tell you about the 1930s ranch. It's got chomp. Why do you have ranch dressing from 1930? That's not safe. Listen, it's edible, okay? Eat waste, not whatnot. All right? Your life, your choice. Put some everything seasoning on it, though. It'll make it better. All right. Being the least expensive, good-sized driveway, expansive yard, vaulted ceilings, a lot of space.

45:01You know, disgusting. Like, really disgusting. Like, good-looking place, clean, lovely, affordable. Disgusting. I don't want it.

45:08Ben Mandelker: I don't know. I mean, I wish I could say something, but I wasn't invited to see it in the first place. So it's hard for me to have an opinion on this one, Kimmy. I'm sorry. It's, you know, this is your choice. It doesn't stand for very ignorant and poor. So I'm sorry. It doesn't. It doesn't. which reminds me, are you going to get salad for the people? They need to have a healthy option. They're going to want the influences. You want to have a salad. Cherry tomatoes. How about this? Iceberg cherry tomatoes Italian dressing. They'll love it. Well, the 1903 bungalow that's got historic charm. You could feel it from the outside.

45:41It has a yard, a driveway, three bedrooms. I mean, I don't know.

45:44Ben Mandelker: That sounds great. Charm, bedrooms, functionality. So that's the one you're going to go with, right? No, of course not. You know, it's a con. It's a con. It's huge. Like, what am I going to do with 900 square feet? Please. I mean, my God, I'll be in there vacuuming all day. All right. All right. It's your life. All right. So which is the one you're going to choose? I mean, you have me here all day. Like, I don't have anything to do. I've got things to do. I've got errands to do. I've got places to go. Okay, listen. Here's the one I want. I want the smallest, darkest, most disgusting place that someone poops in the kitchen while I'm trying to make spaghetti.

46:18Taking house number one.

46:20Ben Mandelker: all right all right you're gonna choose the smallest house and luckily uh your son is a very small profiled person oh wait just kidding you have a very tall son who you're cramming into your tiny house oh no kimmy i don't understand you but i love you and then we see we see the son looking at it and she's like okay you know what this is your guest room like it's kind of for you it's kind of an office it's kind of you know maybe where the dogs can poop because let's face it they need to poop somewhere so and he's like we'll work with it we'll work with it mom She's like, oh, God, I'm so glad I didn't educate you.

46:51So, you know, the thought of decorating all the rooms, you know, I decorate with different stuff. I get rid of all my old stuff. It's like Dollar Store. Here I am. It's like, I'm back. I'm back, baby.

47:02Ben Mandelker: But this is a very small house. I'm not even going to go to Dollar General. I'm going to a store called Dollar Specific because I don't have that much space. So basically, the gang is in the kitchen. It's like Ilka, Kimmy, Fred, and the son. And Kim's like, you know what? This is welcome. I'm just so glad that you're here. And Elka's like, you know, this is so you. This space is you. It's the vibe. It has Kimmy written all over it. Well, you better not write all over it because I'm going to decorate it. I'm going to cover up whatever you write on the walls. It's like, yeah, well, this is the first and the last time any of you will be invited over here.

47:37So enjoy the kitchen.

47:40Ben Mandelker: She really says that. Enjoy getting used to this kitchen because you're never going to be back here again. Okay. My life has a hoard of shut-in starts now. Yeah. And Fred's like, okay, you know, did I do a good job? You did a great job, Fred. All right, Ilka. Can I get your number? Fred, it's not going to happen, Fred. All right. And that brings us to the end of House Hunters, Cat Bistros, and I don't know what the other thing is because it's behind the dot, dot, dot. Yes. Loved it. So funny and so good. Thank you, Ronnie, for picking that one out because it was hilarious. it's fun times fun times the episode was called cat bistros and charming homes in tampa so if you have a suggestion uh just email us at watch what happens at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in your header and we'll check it out and double check that it's still on hbo max because um a lot of things have changed because that's where we are pulling our content from thanks so much for listening and supporting uh one one three plus our show here on one three plus and we'll catch you on the next well hello or the main episode bye this episode is sponsored by nature raised farms there are so many complicated things on bravo like opening the front door on summer house or figuring out how to wear a linfinity dress or understanding tom schwartz's purpose on the valley in a world full of confusing choices thank goodness for nature raised farms they believe that food shouldn't be complicated.

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