Ramesses the Great

0:00This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. I am Nina Khrushcheva, the great-granddaughter of Nikita Khrushchev, the leader of the Soviet Union in 1962. And I'm Max Kennedy, the nephew of U.S. President John F. Kennedy. We explore what was a terrifying moment in history. The story of the Cuban Missile Crisis. How close the world came to nuclear war. And what they had to do to pull it back from the brink. The bomb, Kennedy and Khrushchev. All episodes available now, wherever you get your BBC podcasts.

1:01And he did do a lot of great stuff. That's right, Greg. I was one of the most successful pharaohs of ancient Egypt. A brilliant warrior, a magnificent ruler, a builder of glittering cities, father of a fantastic legacy that spans millennia. Yeah, at least that's what he'd like you to think. As we'll discover, this guy had very good PR, So you can't necessarily trust everything you hear about Pharaoh Ramesses II. For one thing, he actually had five royal names and was probably known to ancient Egyptians by his throne name, which was... Usumatra Setepenra. Bit of a mouthful. We'll just call him Ramesses to keep things simple.

1:47So, Ramesses II ruled in a period known to us as the New Kingdom. That's right, because it was very modern and very hip. Well, that's all relative. Keep in mind that this was over 3 ,200 years ago, so we're stretching the meaning of new quite a bit. All right, there's no need to be rude. Moving on. Now, we don't know loads about his childhood, but Ramesses was probably aged about 24 when he became king in the year 1279 BCE. Actually, Greg, we Egyptians counted years from the start of a king's reign, and when a new king came to power, it reset. So it wasn't 1279 BCE to us. It was year one. Use that instead.

2:33Trust me, it's simpler. Plus, it makes everything more about the best person in the world, a.k.a. me. Fine. In year one, when Ramesses became king, he already had a kid. and a wife called Nefertari. Hiya! We don't know much about Nefertari because her tomb was so badly robbed that all that was left were some shin bones that may have been hers. Why do robbers want my shins? I have great shins. Ramesses was from a family of soldiers and had already done work experience in the Egyptian army. As the new king, he wanted to make Egypt a massive military power. So in year two of his reign, he caught some pirates.

3:17Yar! And he made them work for him. Permission to yar, majesty? The crown and glory of Ramesses' rule was a huge victory against Egypt's fiercest rivals, the Hittites. It was known as the Battle of Kadesh. It was here where I proved my might as a warrior. Ah! Who actually won the battle, dear? Oh, who won? What a question. Oh, just answer the question. No, I am answering. I'm just saying there are two signs to every... Oh, don't be shy. Tell the people at home. No, I'm saying that I... I mean... Okay, the Hittites won! You happy now, dear? Yeah, Ramesses' troops were ambushed when he fell for a Hittite trick.

4:08Ramesses retreated and the Hittites grabbed the land. But that is not how Ramesses told it. My men scattered, but I stepped up. The Hittites, when they saw me in all my glory, quaked with fear so much that they couldn't shoot their arrow. That's not what happened, sir. You didn't win that battle. Well, not with that attitude I didn't. Ramesses had loads of depictions of him winning the battle carved onto temple walls, probably to try and impress the gods. and he kept beefing with the Hittites for 15 more years. But eventually he signed the world's first known written peace treaty with them. So Ramesses may have messed up the Battle of Kadesh, but he was properly good at buildings.

4:54He began constructing a new capital city pretty much as soon as he became king and it was called... Pie Ramesses! That means House of Ramesses. It wasn't someone offering him lunch at a bake sale. Pie, Ramses? Oh, go on then. And Pie Ramses was a grand design. Welcome back to a place in another civilisation, Pie Ramses. Four square miles of everything you could wish for. Six temples, massive stables, a fully functioning military outpost. and, of course, it also has a zoo. It's so state-of-the-art, the stables have toilet cisterns. All you need now is someone to toilet train your horse.

5:51Ramesses also completed a huge temple complex at Abu Simbel and then thought to himself... It's missing something. How about four massive statues of me staring down at the visitors that enter to give the impression that I'm some kind of demigod? Awesome, nice decan. No, no, my idea's better. He also made his own temple at Thebes, now known to us as the Ramasseum, which is definitely better than the name he gave it. The house of millions of years of Usumatra Setepenra that unites with Thebes the city in the domain of Ammon. That's a bit of a long name, Majesty. It's fine, it will fit on one of my massive statues!

6:34Ramesses loved getting statues of himself made. But not just any statues. Oh, needs to be bigger than that. Bigger, so the people at the back can see. Yes, Majesty, this thing's 70-foot high now. Is that big enough? Oh, I'll tell you when it's big enough! These massive statues are called colossi. In Pyramises alone, there were at least 50 of them, and the biggest was a whopping 70 feet tall. That's around the height of Forton's service station on the M6. Really makes you think. Some colossi still exist, and back in the day, they would have been painted bright colours. Think more Disneyland than British Museum.

7:20Ma 'am, can we go back to the 70-foot statue of Ramesses II every year? But Ramesses wasn't just a mighty king and a brilliant liar. He was also a big family man. Which I mean he had a big family. About a hundred children. He also had a pet lion. Because that's really what you need in a palace filled with 100 small children. Hey honey, guess what I got? Oh, is it something to help us look after the literally hundreds of children you have? Um, not really. Look, it was either this or another massive statue of me. Alright? Now, if that sounds like too many kids for one mum to have, you are right.

8:09Ramesses had loads of wives. There were two principal wives, Nefertari... Hi again! ...and Isset Nofret. Isset Nofret by name, but a lot of fret by nature. That's what being around 100 children will do to you. Plus, Ramesses also had a bunch of Hittite brides to seal the deal on that peace treaty. Hello, Ramesses. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Yeah, Ramesses' best frenemy, the Hittite king, kept giving him wives. It's like when your aunt once gave you a gift you liked and so she keeps giving you the same thing every year. And that's how I've ended up with five air friars.

8:51Anyway, Ramesses' first-born son was called Amenhiwenemeth. He became the crown prince, but sadly died quite young. But Kayem Waset, his son with Iset Nofret, became the high priest of Tar in Memphis, a top job which meant looking after the apis bull. What's the apis bull? Oh, I am so glad you asked. This was a sacred, fortune-telling bull that would live as a god and answer questions about the future by eating food or kicking over a bucket. Sort of like a careers advisor, but with more cow poo. So, post-ECSTs, should I be thinking apprenticeship or art college? Art school it is. And the apis ball also got a whole load of cow wives.

9:42No! They were said to be specially selected for their cow beauty. I wish we knew how that happened. Welcome back to Miss Mooniverse, where we crown the most beautiful cow in Egypt. Here's Miss Memphis wearing a lovely bovine bikini. Her hobbies are chewing cud, mooing and ballet. Prince Kayem Waset also helped organise something very important for ramping up Ramesses' reputation. Welcome to the SED Festival. What? He said the said festival. It was a bit like the Royal Jubilee. There were big celebrations that took place after 30 years of rule. And then every three or four years after that. So how many did you have, Ram?

10:3214! I do love a fuss. These festivals could last for two months and included a reenactment of Ramesses' coronation. And the best bit was the ceremonial race designed to test the king's ongoing fitness to rule. It was basically the ancient Egyptian bleep test, and Ramesses was not allowed to lose. And what a surprise all the athletes have stopped, letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who'd have thought, Ramesses wins again. Now, say what you like about Ramesses' military skill and ego, and we have, but you can't deny that he lived for a really, really long time. he outlived most of his wives.

11:16Bye Nefertari. Bye Isset. No fret. Bye, uh, ooh, I want to say Julie. Is that right? Jenny? Jackie! That's the one. And he even outlived a lot of his kids. We know that in old age, Ramesses would have had sore teeth, he would have walked with a stoop, and had bad arthritis. Oi! I'm 89 and I live in ancient Egypt. I think I'm doing pretty well. Don't make me race you, because I will. I'm coming to get you. When Ramesses eventually died, his body was mummified. Although years later, an X-ray examination showed that peppercorns had been shoved up his nose. Peppercorns? Yeah, to help keep his nose in shape under all those bandages.

12:02I can't have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries. Bless you. In the afterlife, I guess he was less Ramesses, more Ramasnees. If there was an Egyptian god for bad puns, I would set them on you, Greg.

12:23Ramasnees rested in the Valley of the Kings for 200 years, but was then moved by priests to protect him from ancient grave robbers. His tomb was later discovered with loads of other mummified kings and queens in the 1800s. The story goes that a guy called Ahmed El Razul found him in 1871 while looking for a lost goat. What's that? Little Ramesses the Great is stuck down a hole? Whoa, you truly are the goat. Apparently, Ahmed didn't tell anyone about his discovery for ten years, and instead sold valuables from the tomb on the quiet. Poor Ramesses the Great. Gone from godlike king to a scavenged ruin in the desert.

13:08That's the sort of thing you could write a poem about. No, me! I wrote a really famous poem in 1818 about Ramesses' legacy crumbling away. I met a traveller from an antique... Sorry, we don't have time for you, Percy Bysshe Shelley, because it's the end of the show. Phooey! So, how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils ready. Question one. Name one of Ramesses the Great's two principal wives. Nefertari or Isetnofrat. Question two. What was a bit funny about Ramesses the Great's famous victory at the Battle of Kadesh? He didn't actually win. Question three.

13:56What is the delicious-sounding name of the new capital Ramesses the Great built, which was full of giant statues of himself, plus horses, zoos and temples?

14:10Bye, Ramesses! Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up and want to learn more about Ramesses the Great, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Dr. Campbell Price. Thanks for listening. Bye! This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson-Crouch and Dr Emma Naguse. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Rees and Richard David Kane. The script consultant was Dr Campbell Price. Hello, it's Ray Winstone. I'm here to tell you about my podcast on BBC Radio 4, history's toughest heroes.

14:51I've got stories about the pioneers, the rebels, was the outcasts who define tough. And that was the first time anybody ever ran a car up that fast with no tires on. It almost feels like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head. Tough enough for you. Subscribe to History's Toughest Heroes on BBC Sounds. I am Nina Khrushcheva, the great-granddaughter of Nikita Khrushchev, the leader of the Soviet Union in 1962. And I'm Max Kennedy, the nephew of U.S. President John F. Kennedy. We explore what was a terrifying moment in history. The story of the Cuban Missile Crisis. How close the world came to nuclear war.

15:34And what they had to do to pull it back from the brink. The bomb, Kennedy and Khrushchev. All episodes available now, wherever you get your BBC podcasts.