Boiled Parsnips 52: Lemon Drivel

0:13Andy, I'm just stirring my tea here. You can do that, aren't you? It's coming through loud and clear through the microphone, yeah, through the headphones that I'm wearing, because I'm the producer today. I knew a bloke. Hello, producer. I knew a bloke who went from restoring fireplaces straight into a career as gong therapy. Cool! It's a good switch, that, isn't it? Have you made a big switch? That's an interesting question. A big switch? I made a big switch once from working in a record shop to, um, my headphones have gone off. What the fuck's that about? Why do you need headphones? So I can make sure, oh, it's back on again.

0:52Just to make sure our levels are good. Oh, that's it. That's a producer. I made a big switch once from, um... Hey, if you're a producer, producer's a fucking cake. Because I could do with one. Imagine if I had one. Imagine if I had one in me bag. Do you like the size of me coffee, by the way? What is that at all? It's a large, it's a large cost of coffee because I've earned enough Costa coffees on the app to get the free one. So I've gone in there and I've gone in big. I've gone free coffee time. The fella says, show us your QR code. Which I did. And he says, large one. I says, why not? I leaned into it as they say.

1:31And then he went, extra shot. I went, why the fuck not? Go on, fill us up. So there I am. I'm on my now possibly fourth coffee of the day. That's too much, Andy. Yeah, well, we'll see how it goes over the next 40 minutes or so. Well, I have one coffee a day. I have a cup of tea first, then a coffee. Yeah. But if I haven't had that coffee by 10, I won't have a coffee. None at all? No, it doesn't appeal to me, the taste, after about 10. Okay. Anyway, tell me about this job switch. Well, I used to work in a record shop, and then I decided I was going to be a freelance comedy writer. Just like that?

2:04Just like that. I went, fuck it. I'm walking away from the Daily Grind, and I'm going to sit around drinking coffee all day and making up rubbish. I spent a lot of the time playing football manager, to be fair. Right. Is that a good game anyway? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great game. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's the opposite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John's on holiday. Who's John? Don't know. I imagine there's a John on holiday somewhere. Well, that wasn't that lovely holiday, John. I hope he's not with... Well done, John. Ron. Ron. John and Ron. Ron and John go out to Malaga or whatever.

2:38Yeah. How are you doing? You've got a plain t-shirt on today, no motif. I've got a plain t-shirt on, it's plain white, and I'm also wearing what I believe is called a shacket. I'm a bit shacket. Are you a shacket-y as well? Do you reckon either of these are shackets? It's a combination of two words, isn't it? Shit jacket. Shit jacket and shit shirt. Yeah. You've got too many layers on for a small studio like this, I think. For a small man. Yeah. It is a lot of layers, Andy, but it's a bit colder than you'd think out there, isn't it? Yeah, it's not very nice, it's been drizzling. So did you watch Last Run Laughing Andy?

3:10I did eventually get around to watching it, yeah. I thought it was very good. You thought it was funny? Yeah, I thought it was funny. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Did you say I won it? Oh, I didn't get the end. Oh, you didn't get the end? No, I did say that you won. Well done. Was it frightening when Jimmy Carr kept coming in? Well, he's quite robotic. He's got a presence, hasn't he? Yeah, he's 1 % non-human, you know. Yeah, but that's a crucial 1%. Yeah, I don't know which 1 % it is, but it's definitely there. So it does put you slightly on edge, but he's a nice fellow, you know. Good. In fact, would you like to know anything about Last One Laughing?

3:49I know you wouldn't, but the viewers might. Have you got some pre-prepared facts about it? I haven't got no facts, no. I just wanted to confirm a few things people might wonder. We did actually go in there at 10 o 'clock and leave at 6. Right, full shift. yeah but like actual work these things are usually a bit of a con aren't they but so we just sat in there for eight hours and then left thinking well there's no show there we just yeah fucking sat there and it all came together in the edit it's the wonder of the edit yeah no it was it was very very good are you going to like defend your championship defend your title if the Oscars are mine yeah I doubt they will but if the Oscars are mine do you fail as though the fact that you're unable to laugh is something to be proud of

4:37Mickey Dixon you know Mickey oh yeah well he sent me one of his vlogs Andy yeah I don't know where they're going no but here it is so you're the producer can you press play on this the producer is finding the music now oh he has music does he yeah Mickey Dixon's got music yeah get you Mickey can't find it alright here we go thanks Pep alright lads Mickey Dixon here Safety first, you know It's not muck about, like So, look out over there Frank Cowden Changing the tyre on his Mazda Not using a jack, like He's just parked it on a slope And lobbed a couple of bricks under the chassis No gloves, no eye protection No common fucking sense, man If the Mazda falls on him The pressure on his chest cavity It'll be immense, man, you know I won't be able to lift it off, not with my lower vertebrae, like.

5:37Honestly, it's bone on bone, so I can't be doing no bending, like. I can't phone for help either, because the wife took the phone off me when she caught me ordering a litre of glyphosate, you know, to kill off the nervous wild garlic that's creeping under the fence. Hey, not only does it stink my yard out, but them urban foxes, you know, they like to shitting it, like. and, oh, their paste, it fucking honks, man. No, it really does, Bob. Oh, hey, up there's Ron Shin, walking like he's just shit an oven shelf. He'll be on his way at the Legion for half-price Thursday, soup and roll starter, fish fingers main.

6:19Looking at his phone as he walks, man, it only takes a moment for some joke and nicking off him or he'll bang his tiny head on a lamppost through him, I'm not keeping a lookout. Oh, Ron! Ron, stop looking at your phone, you Doyle. Fuck off, Mickey. Mind your own fucking business. What are you looking at anyway? What's so interesting that you can't stop looking? I'm searching hip pain on Google. You know I'm at the end of my tether with it. I'm sorry to hear that, Ron. You tried anti-inflammatories? Don't be fucking daft, Mickey. It's way past that. It's bone on fucking bone every time. Every time I take a step it's like a witch pissing on the joint Aye, that sounds like bone on bone alright What have you been up to?

7:06Ah, but I cut a goat in half yesterday Aye, well I'll pass no comment on that You off to the legion then? Nah, go to pets at home to buy some puppy training pads For the other adult male that lives in the house Just can't stop pissing them a night Well be careful Ron Make sure the other adult male That's living with you Changes them every morning They can harbour harmful bacteria And make sure this adult male Disposes of them responsibly Like I've heard they can be a bit of a slip hazard Alright then you'll fuck off will you I will do Oh look Don Gough Filling up a trailer With all manner of shite No gloves, no steel tipped boots It's no eye protection, but worse than that, he's fucking failed to secure the load with the tarpaulin.

8:00Don, shouldn't you be securing that before driving off? Shouldn't you be minding you, don't fucking business Mickey. I heard you and your wife went to Costco to get an ornamental shelf for your sunroom. How did you get on? That was a good trip. Do you want me to talk in detail about it or just get on and finish this loading? Nah, you'll get on. Been too much talk about ornamental shelving round here recently. How's your back, Mickey? You on the anti-inflammatories, like? Nah, don't even touch it. Porn on. Porn and born. I'm on the morphine, but it tends to make me see pixies whenever I knock one out.

8:44Anyway, be safe. Anyway, alright, be safe, John. That's the main thing. Safety first, ladies and gentlemen. You're joking, aren't you? Oh, well, thanks, Mickey. Yeah, good stuff, good stuff. Yeah, I'm a bit worried about Ron Chin cutting a goat in half, but whatever. He didn't pass any comments, so Mickey was probably all right with that. Yeah. I've got some names for you. Go on, then. Two names, three names. You can be Keith Table Guts. Okay. He's got the kind of full overhanging belly. Ah, right. He can lift up and rest on a standard table. Yeah. You know when you've got to lift it up and then just put it down.

9:27Boy, is he proud of it. Right, quite rightly. Keith Table Guts. You can be Probe Tube GX11. I don't want to be fucking Probe Tube. It's the 2020 model. It's listed as reconditioned, but it's covered in bites. Bites? Bites. You know anything more about these bites? Don't know. I'll leave it. No, thanks. Or you can be Honky Tonk. I'll be Honky Tonk this week. You know, for old time's sake. Hello there, Honky Tonk. Can I just say hello to a couple of fellas who I met at the Snoke yesterday, a couple of fans of the podcast. Father and son. And the father gave me the best feedback that I've ever had about this podcast.

9:58He says that he regularly wets himself to sleep by listening to it. I hope. I don't know if that's what we're having fun, but that's what he says. He wants to get down to pets at home. Pets at home, get some pads. Yeah, but they can have a... Topics of interest, Andy. Okay. Take them or leave them. Fry and pan maintenance. You know, is it worth making the extra effort with your non-sticks or just fucking buy a new one when it's gone? Right. I think that's a topic. Next topic for you to consider, what is Lerpac? Interesting, isn't it? Very interesting. What is the most non-gardening related item you've ever seen in a garden centre?

10:37Oh, I'd need to think about that. Well, you've got lots of time, you've got the rest of your life to think about that, Andy. Should strimmers be banned at weekends? Very garden heavy, this one. Yeah, I've been doing a lot of gardening, yeah. Right, yeah. Is it better to sit on a beach or sit above the beach staring at it? That's very good. Thank you. Do you prefer pavers, gravel or tarmac for a driveway? So, there you are, Andy. Right. I'll have a think about them. I've got some for you if you're interested. Go on, then. Basketball hoops within the grounds of your home? I've got one. Wish I hadn't.

11:11Right. Interesting. Hold that thought. Short season. I don't know what that means. It's the season of the year when you wear shorts. Are cars too quiet these days? think about it does this podcast need a buffet minor pain in your 50s that's quite something isn't it that is quite something and will a duck ever have its own website I think the minor pain one's interesting but it's because I'm of a certain age yeah because the problem with minor pain in the 50s is you still think you're a tough nut and it's just minor pain there's two things it's relentless it's all over and you think you assume you're going to die as a result of it well do you know I wish that was the case Sandy because I think too many people in the 50s still think they'll ride it it's just like an injury in their 20s or 30s and the truth is in your 50s minor pain might be something more serious you listening to me bro good advice there for the older 50s that listen to us I've got a quiz for you well it's not a quiz it's a game actually and one final topic just to lob in before the macadamia nuts should it just fuck off I'd like to think you could respond to that immediately Now, yes.

12:22It should fuck off, shouldn't it? Yeah, why not? Other nuts are available. A new game. It's called QR or QAunt. QR or QAunt. QR or QAunt. Now, it's very simple. I just want you to scan this QR code that I've got for you. Right. You scanned it? That's done, yeah.

12:44You should get a proper producer on the show. That would liven it up, wouldn't it? It's about pacing it sometimes. way up. Just waiting for that QR code to process.

13:00What's that QR code going to produce? What's it going to lead to? I feel like I'm in a gong therapy session.

13:08Ah, that'll be 450 quid, please. What do you mean? The QR code. Well, I have to pay for... You have to give us 450 quid now. I don't get it and I'm not paying. I'm sorry, you scanned the QR code you've got up here. Oh, is the money already gone? Yeah. Humiliation. Sorry. Oh, well, what a great game. Really sorry. It could have been so much better, and maybe next time it will be. Well, I might have just lost 200 quid. This time, I think it's Q-Aunt, basically, as opposed to Q-Aunt. But thanks for playing. Very enjoyable. No, thanks for introducing. Thanks for skimming me off there. Andy, it's time for Crime Files.

13:46The West Yorkshire market town of Weatherby offers much for both residents and visitors, scenic river walks, a variety of independent shops and restaurants, and easy access to the Yorkshire Dales and North Yorkshire Moors. Its proximity to the famous Weatherby services on the A1 motorway makes it an ideal commuter location for the cities of Leeds and York. Life there is tranquil, calm and free from crime and nonsense. That was until the 4th of November, 2024, when the town was to experience its darkest day. Nope.

14:26Tucked behind the marketplace and within striking distance of the Weatherby Whaler Fish and Chip Shop. Have you been there, Andy? No, I've heard of it though.

14:37Does that help?

14:43Fish and chips, have you? I've read fish and chips. I've read fish and chips, yeah. I haven't heard of them, though.

14:51Was the nonsense pottery and cafe of nonsense potter Neil Hunt? As well as a fine selection of nonsense pottery pieces, Neil also had an Italian espresso machine and a small counter selling cakes, pastries and nonsense cookies. Neil had just opened the doors when his first customers arrived and approached the counter. It was Patrick Bamford and Daniel Farke. It's cash only, says Neil, barks Neil. No mobile phones and no hanging around once you've finished your drinks, so what can I get you? Patrick. Good morning, my man. Could I indulge in a foffy coffee, please? What in God's name is a foffy coffee?

15:32I'm not Turkish, you know. A fuffy coffee. You know, an ex-feffo with fuffy milk on top. Have you got a moth's nest in your mouth or something? I have no idea what you're actually saying. What is it that you want? How rude. Please drop the attitude. It's quite fuff-putting. I would like a fuffy coffee, please. You can have a cappuccino, a latte or an espresso. Which is it to be? And don't come back at me with that fuffy nonsense so you can get out of here. Done your farky chips in. I think that maybe Patrick is requiring a cappuccino. Is that the frothy one? He's gone a bit Steve McLaren, hasn't he?

16:20Yes, it's made utilising steamed milk, which is the frothy element of the beverage. You mean... Oh, Bamford. Bamford. Very posh, isn't he? Very posh. You mean fuffy? Yes, good. Daniel? Yes, to all intents and purposes.

16:44Then a fuffy chimpercano is, shall be, my good man. Extra half, please. What? Extra half. He means hot. Extra hot. And what about you? What do you want? You're not from round here, are you? Where are you from? Hungry? No, I'm initially registered in a small town called Steinhausen in the district of Baden-Württemberg in southwest Germany. Jesus wept! Are you also always this boring? I wish I'd never asked. So what do you want? What is it that you actually want? I would suggest for myself a nice cup of tea with milk, no sugar. You might be surprised to learn that my mother introduced me to tea when I was just five years old.

17:34She came from the town of Sendenhorst in the Wallendorf region of Rhine, Westphalia. Oh, save me that bloody geography lesson. As if I'm interested in such shit. You really are an epic bore. Do either of you want something to eat? Patrick, could I have a slice of lemon drivel? It was self-drivel, lemon or otherwise. This isn't home fucking bargains. But I can see it there on display, lemon drivel. Drizzles. Patrick, drivel. Neil picks up the lemon drizzle. This one. Correctamundo, my man. And a fruit juice, please. A fruit juice? No one drinks fucking fruit juice anymore. Unless they play tennis.

18:18Well, I do. I have fruit juice for breakfast, Becky. Fruit juice for lunch. Fruit juice for tea. And fruit juice before I go by bees. I have four fruit juice. Well, you're out of fucking luck today, Mr. Fruity Pie. You may not have the knowledge of this, but did you know that Batten-Württemberg is the major apple-growing region of Germany with over 11 ,000 hectares of apple cultivation? Oh, he's gone. Do I look like a man who wants to listen to German apple facts? Because if you think I do, then you are very much mistaken. Sit at your table, I'll bring over your drinks. Neil gets about steaming up the milk.

19:01Patrick and Duniel sit at the table, admire the nonsense, and admire the nonsense pottery on display. Yes. Why not? I'm seeing your nonsense pottery. I'm thinking that maybe I would like to commission a beer stein for my sexy disco bar in my basement. It's called a tankard here in Yorkshire. What decoration would you want on this tankard? Oh, I don't know. something sexy, you know, maybe some tight trousers, banana, maybe an outdoor cooking rig, you know, really sexual. Not a problem. Fifteen hundred quid and it's yours. Agreed. Did you know that the town of Hoagrassenhausen in the district of Baton-Woodberg is the major centre for steam production in Germany?

19:49I would particularly recommend the King Webb Factory for craftsmanship. Jesus Christ will you fuck will you be picking up the tank it's yourself because if you are I don't think I could face meeting you again it's just not worth the pain at this point Daniel gets up off his seat and grabs Neil by the throat Jesus yeah that's taken a turn hasn't it hang on

20:15you have been a road towards me since an entrance it is not acceptable apologise now and I will turn your face to a different arrangement. Get off me! Take your hands off me! Do you know who I am? I'm Neil Hunt nonsense Potter. I've never apologised to a foreign in my life and I don't intend to start today. Daniel tightens his grip, grabs this ice of lemon drizzle and begins to force it into Neil's mouth. No, boss, not my lemon drivel. I was going to drunk it in me foffy coffee. Shh! Shut up, Patrick! And strike the man on the head with one of the display items. Patrick picks up a vase. It is embossed with a depiction of gardening gloves and a Wellington boot.

21:00No, no, no, not that one, you idiots. Far too sexy to use with violence. Patrick picks up a teapot with I heart NY on the side. Daniel, yes, that's perfect. Nobody loves Neil Young anymore. Patrick, it's New York actually, boss. No, it's not. It's fucking North fucking Yorkshire. Get off me. I should warn you that my brother-in-law's neighbour has a pair of those shoes with a knife in the toe and my cleaner is in Bitcoin. Patrick smashes the pot over Neil's head and he falls to the floor. Why? Why? Why is it always me? I do voluntary work at the local glider club and I always take the sellotape off cardboard boxes before recycling them.

21:48Get out before I call the police. I think perhaps it is time that we should leave. But I haven't had my fluffy... But I haven't had my fluffy coffee, boss. Tough tea tea, Bambo. Don't worry, I'll get you a fluffy crisp to make up for it. They leave the nonsense pottery in cafe. Ha, fucking ha. You didn't even hurt me. That teapot was so thin and shit. It couldn't even damage a wet fucking mouse. And I still haven't apologised to a foreign. Never. I'm Neil Hunt and I'm a fucking nightmare.

22:31Whoa. That it? That's it. So, crime is everywhere. Yeah. It's out there. You've got to watch out. You've got to watch out. You've got to watch out. Whether it's a coffee shop, a library. It's sad, but there we are.

22:53Shall we have some questions from the parsnippers? Did you get a chance to assess them? No, I didn't, but let me have a look. Do you want to just raw dog them? Yeah, in the box. Parsnip has Rob Shellen. What's the longest you'll walk to run a basic errand, e.g. to buy milk? Milk, that's a nice errand, isn't it? That's a nice errand or a nice gentle errand. I love a gentle errand well if I go to my local shop I will walk and that's about six minutes so I don't know what does that don't give any more information there because there are triangulators out there who will seize upon that information and try and work out your location anything less than six minutes seven minutes I've put down here I've pre-prepared someone so seven minutes probably six I've got a go pill there we are Carl Collett says how much money should I spend done shit from the range for my new house.

23:49I think as much as you can fucking muster. I'd take a loan out or mortgage the house off. If you've got a skip, you can buy as much as you want once it's settled. You basically buy silvery grey cushions from the range. It's big cushions. It's a massive clock that looks like it's come out of a train station in 1954. And wall stencils that say no room for hate. or whatever. That's a lovely message. Yeah, keep it simple. Ornamental fire extinguishers. I wouldn't go in. I've been in the range and it is appealing. If this so-called Carl Collett has bought a house, I reckon he's got an out in it. Right.

24:32So he's starting out. But there's better options, Andy, isn't there? B &M. B &M, I mean, IKEA, The Net. Home bargains. Do you know what I mean? All right, well, you know. You get drawn in though, don't you? You'll go in somewhere like the range and it'll have 10 fucking Perspex boxes with lids. Yeah. And you'll somehow convince yourself that... Have they got lights in? Well, no, but you've put lights in. That's what you start thinking. Yeah. John Paul Upton, what time do you consider evening to be? Personally, I say 5.30 to 7.30, but I've heard others say 5.30 to... Well, I think the evening doesn't stop at 7.30.

25:11No, that's far too early. I reckon it starts at 6 after the chase has been on yeah that's a good call before that's what tea time tea time yeah tea time 4 or 6 when is the evening end I've got 8.30 for the end of the evening then it's night time after that oh I see night time oh I don't really distinguish between the two 6 o 'clock for me definite that's when I start drinking because I think you know something inside me has said that's the evening I've knocked off for the day. It's the evening. So six o 'clock. Get on the cans. If there is that line between evening and night, yeah, 8.30. Okay.

25:52Six to 8.30. And what time do you drink through one till? Till I go to bed. Till you go to bed. Yeah. What time do you go to bed? Three? No, I go to bed ten. Watch a bit of crime. I stayed in the travel lodge in Sheffield last night because I was at the snooker. Yeah. And as I checked in, the receptionist says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Breakfast is available from 7am. Bars are open until four. I went fucking hell 4am bar and was it a proper bar? they sold draft Budweiser and Guinness Sergei cans not a point is there? to be honest

26:26let's do more questions later on hello my name's Tony Glewood welcome along to another episode of the Dominic Glewood pod my special guest this week has been most recently seen on a very, very sad TV show, The Man Who Can Never Laugh. It's not ever, Mr. Bumbleba. Hi, Dom. Dom, can I just ask you quickly, do you ever have any other guests on? I seem to be very regular. Oh, yes, I had Steve Jobs on once. Steve Jobs? Yeah. Which Steve Jobs? Oh, from the shops. Well, lots of questions. Thanks for coming along once again. No worries. Have you ever fenced visiting Outer Space? No. Why not? Never interested me.

27:11You've got a problem with it? No, I ain't got a problem with it, Andy. I ain't got a problem with it, but... Who's Andy? Dumb. I wasn't one of those kids who liked the planets. I didn't like dinosaurs. I didn't like the planets. What do you think of the moon? The moon? I'm more warm towards the moon. Did you ever look up at it? Yeah, I do stare at it sometimes. You ever looked up at the sun? Never looked at it. Well, I probably have, actually. Bloody idiot. I've got the chance to go on that John Amazon's rocket now a week. but I'm too short apparently. Half an inch. Oh dear. Half an inch. I says I wear Cuban heels but he says no.

27:45No. There's rules. There's rules. So I couldn't go. So fuck out of space. Yeah, I agree fuck out of space. It's the quick fire round. Dogs in pubs, yes or no? No. Why not? I don't like dogs. No? I mean I like dogs. I don't like dogs in pubs. Well, two things. They've got fleas. Yeah. Secondly, most of them eat their own feces. True. So for me, I'm on the fence. Dogs in boats. Yeah. Yes or no? Yeah, nice in a boat. It's a nice to see a dog going by on a boat. They kind of look important, don't they? They sit there and... If you put a little sailor's hat on them as well, it's quite cute, isn't it?

28:20That is cute, yeah. You can put that on the Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. In the sea, do you think? Or just on lakes? Are you on Instagram? No, I'm not on Instagram, no. There's someone out there pretending to be me, but it's not me. If he messages, he says, just block him. What do you think? Ponds, lakes, sea? What do I eat? No, dogs on boats. Where would you take them? River. Just the river. River, yeah. Norfolk Broads. Oh, fair enough. Dogs in hot air balloons. Yes or no? I'd have thought no. That doesn't seem fair on the dog. Not even as research. I wonder what the fuck's going on. What sort of research?

28:54About dogs in balloons. High dogs. Okay, researching the high dogs. That limited, for that reason, yeah, lob them in a hot air balloon. With a little hat on? No, with a compass around the neck. Fair enough. What else have I got? I don't know. Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my lower jaw out. I can't stop doing it. I've turned it into a jaw jutter. Yeah. I didn't see that coming. Desperate Dan thing. We'll end up cracking open Dom's fortune cookie. Some sage advice. Crack. If you don't like what you see in the mirror, smash up the fucking mirror. Smash the mirror. Smash up the fucking mirror.

29:32Yeah. All right. There we go. thank you very much for coming along Bob I look forward to all of your future projects and maybe you'll come on again sometime maybe I will maybe you won't maybe I won't thank you very much goodbye

29:46so Andy I went up to Middlesbrough right for a match yeah a match we didn't win that's a shame and I went up the night before I stayed in the Golden Line at Os Motherly that nice old pub I've heard of it have you heard of it it's great Yeah, I've never been to have heard of it. They do a lovely adduck, smoked adduck risotto. Have you ever heard? Get chips with them. How do you know about them? Smoked adduck risotto? Yeah. What, not with chips? No. Mushy peas? No, smoked adduck risotto. Very fancy. Have you heard of them? I haven't actually, no. I expect you wouldn't understand about a risotto.

30:24No. You've just proved it there. It's from Sunderland. I sat in me terrible eating the smoked adduck that you wouldn't understand about. I don't understand. I can't envisage it. You can't even think. I can't imagine it. Have you got a picture of it? Of a risotto? Any risotto, yeah. I'll send you one afterwards, yeah? Oh, thanks. When a large group arrived, you know, I was just kind of aware of them. Do you know when that happens, a cackling and talking and all? They went straight upstairs because there's a big meeting room up there. Right. They were a bit noisy, so I was pretty glad they weren't eating in the restaurant.

30:57After I'd eaten, I'd just played Kingdom of Tacky, the whereward princess scrolls, you know, on my phone. I've never heard of that. I was fighting a level three boss that was a pug dog with really long legs. Did it have a hat on? He had a plasma walking stick and a really bad attitude, to be honest with you. Well, I was fully into my game when I heard someone whisper in my ear. Hello, Robert. Oh, shit. Long time no see. Oh, my God. Shame you didn't tell me you were visiting, Robert. The alderman. The alderman. Yeah. and to be honest Andy I was a bit wary of his tone you know you having a pudding Robert?

31:38he asked I said I wasn't going to I'm just playing Kingdom of Tacky oh are you Robert? more important than giving me a text and hooking up Robert no no not at all I said and he said have a pudding Robert I insist they have an apricot Flanagan

31:58and it's superb Robert he shouted over to the waiter two apricot flanagans one for Robert and one for his friend who we forgot to call so how are you alderman I asked not great as if you give a toss Robert here look at this he said and he pulled up his shirt and lifted his belly onto the table he parted the hairs around his belly button he says look at that area Robert It's some kind of parasite living in there. I'm sure of it. And it's very unpredictable, Robert. Look, did you see it move? Well, sure enough, I saw like a worm-like thing. Sort of pushing and squirming around under the skin. You know, just next to his belly button.

32:46The one thing that calms it down is beautiful singing, Robert. Are you capable of a beautiful song? I said, well, I'm not bad. You know, I'm all right. well bend down over my belly Robert and placate it before it gets terrifying on me do something apologetic usually works best so I bent down over his stomach a bit and I sang I'm sorry is all that I can say and he started pressing on the back of my head so it was forced into the dough you know of his belly meaning I could no longer sing to be honest it was hard to get any breath thought I was going to suffocate. Then he released his grip and when I came up for air, the table was surrounded by all his cronies.

33:34You know, they had a plan in town, Clark, director of social services and a tall, thin man in a green leotard. Do you know, like the type of, they use for like CGI filming and that. Yeah. And he was holding a wooden axe a bit like the one the princess uses in Kingdom of Taki, the wayward scrolls. Wow. hi everyone I said no one replied just silence the apricot flanagan's superb I really recommend it, it's apricot Robert well the cronies all started to slowly clap in unison started chanting kiss the alderman's parasite kiss the alderman's parasite kiss the alderman's parasite well what could I do Andy the CGI fucker had an axe like the one from Kingdom of Taki.

34:24Quite threatening. Yeah, so I buried my head in the alderman's belly, started to kiss and lick all around his belly button.

34:35The chanting stopped and the alderman lifted my head off his belly. Get in touch next time, Robert. We don't want to fall out, do we? Then he got up and he left with his crony, so I started playing Kingdom of Taki again and I noticed a strange tickling in my tummy. No. Yeah, it comes and goes. Oh, no. I hope I haven't got that parasite. That would be awful, wouldn't it, Andy? Yeah, I think you have, though. Maybe I have. I can feel it tickling now. That's really bad. So that's... I can't do anything to help. Don't even ask. Did you get past the boss level from the end? Yeah, I did. That's good.

35:12Yeah, I did. Happy ending then, I guess. I suppose, but this parasite, I don't know. Well, maybe we'll come back to that next time. Uh... Ding dong, landlord here. Just popping into court and off your living room. I need a hermetically sealed space to store my top hat during its off season. Read the T's and C's, if you can even read. Ding dong, landlord here. Just popping in for my monthly inspection of your door handles. Don't forget that if I come across anything unapproved, fingerprint wise on them, I can confiscate the doors and switch off your gas. See the T's and C's. Ding dong, landlord here Just popping in to confiscate your downpipes Off the side of the house My stepson's dressing up as a robot or something For World Book Day And they'll make ideal limps for him Read the T's and C's All about the T's and C's with them The small print The legalese Even

36:10Finally, Stephen Scott says Could you ask Mark Lawrenson for his top ten Childhood games or pastimes I have indeed asked Mark Lawrenson for that Oh nice one And I will go over to him now Or play the MP3 that he sent And we'll hear what they are

36:26Hello I'm Mark Lawrenson These are my top 10 childhood games Slash past times Number 10 Skippy skip rope Number 9 Knocky nine doors Number 8 Knocky ten doors The advanced level of the game Number seven, climbing trees. Please, only climb as high as you feel comfortable. Number six, kick-a-ding, kick-a-ding. Number five, digging a hole with a dessert spoon. Number four, charades. Number three, ringing up Mr C Eastward out of the phone book. If he didn't love it, he'd have gone X-Directory, let's be honest. Number two, chase and batter the weird lad. and number one top childhood games pastimes throwing a tin of ravioli through the window of an abandoned hospital thank you very much throwing some nice ones there but one of them, what was that, Kinga Ring Ding or something?

37:31Kicka Ding, Kicka Ding what's that? no idea never heard of it Kicka Ring Ding Ding Kicka Ding, Kicka Ding never heard of it but there you are But I reckon that's probably all we've got time for this time. Thank you, Andrew. Do you want to talk any more about my victory of Last One Laughing? Anything you want to say about that? I'm trying to think. Is there anything else I can add to it? Not really. Not really. Not really. Not really. You've watched it and you've forgotten it. I've watched it and that was it. Have you watched Severance? The what? Severance. What's that? It's like a show where people are talking about.

38:09Oh, is that the one people talk about? I haven't watched it everyone talks about it there's the three series of it two of them two and at the end of series two don't give me a spoiler everybody kind of hmm alright or was that the White Lotus end of series three can't remember I don't know I'm watching White Lotus at the moment it is but now you've made me think yeah I'm at my investment generally all these things just end with people online going oh that was a bit shit at the end yeah I mean Severance is alright it's pretty you know it's alright it's a nice conceit Have you heard that word before?

38:42You've heard of it, but you don't know what it means. I don't know what it means. I've used it. So that's quite good. Maths is always good. Maths? Married at first sight. Oh, yeah. That makes me feel weird that people are getting married to strangers. Yeah, but they're not really, aren't they? Yeah, they're not. No. What is marriage, then? What is marriage? Yeah. You've heard of it, but you don't know what it is. Well, I've heard of it, but what does it really mean if it can be debased in such a way for television? Well, that's an example of a conceit. Oh, right. The conceit is that they got married, but they didn't really.

39:12Okay. Trying to think what else have I been watching, because I do quite like... I like me telling you. Have you watched Adolescence? Can you stop tapping that? Sorry. Adolescence, I watched the first episode and it scared me, so I haven't watched any more yet, but I will return to it. Because you've got a young lad, haven't you? I've got a young lad, it's scary. Our Celebrity Big Brother's good this year. Do you think it is? Yes. Tell me why you think it's good. David Platt after Coronation Street. I don't know Coronation Street, you see. So you're enjoying that. Yes, because he basically is the character that he plays and has played in Corrie since he was like 12.

39:48That's interesting, isn't it? There's very little crossover between. That's interesting. It was a shame about Mickey Rope, though, wasn't it? Yeah, inevitable, though. Inevitable, yeah. Let's be honest. When he came in, swaggering in with his rubber face, I thought, this isn't going to end well. But let's just enjoy it while it lasts, and we did. Yeah, I mean, I'm watching it, Andy. please don't get me, you know, misunderstand me but I think it's a weak one. Do you? Yeah. Okay, well I just don't agree or disagree about that. You know, because there's not much dispute, is there? There's been a bit the last couple of days, I think.

40:20A couple of bombs have been dropped. Yeah. But, um... Not sure. Alright, fair enough. I'm not sure. Anything else? Snooker. Just watching Snooker. So you cancelled going to the Snooker today, didn't you? Yeah, to come here and do this with you. So... I hope it was worthwhile. Are you glad that you, um... that you cancelled it? the snooker? Yes. Do you know Andy, he's an interesting thing for you. He might be interesting. If there's time, I could show you. Did you know that Ronnie Sullivan, just about 100 feet from here has got his practice room. Really? Yeah. Fuck. Doesn't look like one, but that's his secret.

41:01I saw some tradesmen renovating in a shop on the way in, because I was early. Yeah. And I just thought I'd have a bit of banter with them, because I'm working class. Yeah. They're working class. Yeah. And I just said, Oi, what's all this then? Yeah. What's this going on? So I'm going to a fucking knocking shop. And they just stared at us. Just stared at you? Maybe that was Ronnie O'Sullivan's new practice room. Are you going to show us where it is then? If you want, yeah. Alright, that'd be good. I've got a meeting. at half one. At a place. At a place. Like all media meetings, it's pointless. Yes.

41:42We could have just emailed each other. But occasionally you have to put in an appearance. So, well, thank you, Andy. But most of all, thank you, Parsnippers. Thank you, Parsnippers, for indulging us once again. And we'll see you next time. Yep. Cheerio. Bye-bye.

42:05Thank you.