The Slaughters Collection Vol. 3

0:00Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

0:37You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash start now. That's growtherapy.com slash start now. growtherapy.com slash start now. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

1:34Have you been in touch with Infinities about Slaughter's or anything, Andrew? I have, yeah, that was a smooth segue. I have. The lads at Infinity Rock Plastics they intercepted a phone conversation between Adrian Lewis and a representative of Slaughter's Restaurant. and they've sent it to me as a non-fungible token. What's a non... What is a... What's one of them? I have got literally no idea, but I've put it in my machine here and I'll press play and we'll see what happens. Hello. Adrian Lewis here. Hello, Mr Lewis. It's Slaughter's Restaurant. We're taking pre-orders for our gala re-opening night in a few weeks' time.

2:16Would you like to hear the menu options? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I mean, I'm on the pot at the moment, but yes, oh, yes, please proceed. As you wish, sir. For your starter, your choices are soft-boiled emu egg with soldiers made from strips of badger jerky. Oh, yes, fuck, bang, bang, put in the key, start the fucking car. Oh, you can have a selection of roasted cubes of lynx tits served on toothpicks. Oh, what are the toothpicks made from? Wood, sir Wood? Wood's a vegetable fuck-off Oh, you fuck-off Alright, get rid of the vegetables And do me three of those hot eggs With the tits stuffed in them, alright?

3:04Very well, sir What about me manes? I'm cradling me belly here in me forearm Waiting for your words to provoke an eruption within it Oh, your first choice, sir, is locally sourced platypus chops. Could I ask, are they locally sourced? I just said the fucking way. They've been mechanically retrieved from an abandoned holiday camp, sir. Very, very, very, very nice location. And how will they be served? They'll be smashed together in a bucket and served in a heap with gravy that's been laced with sump oil from Rand Crags' extractor. Oh, my knackers are pulsating so hard, I can feel them bobbing on the pot water.

3:50Sir, fucking sorry about that. No, no, no, don't be. It's so good, it's so good. Oh, sir, you're going to have a COVID-secure full bat that's bit slow-roasted in their pocket of ranch gags as chinos. Oh, fuck yes. That sounds more tender than my fucking hernia. Do the whole lot in the bucket with extra some oil and pour it straight down my neckpipe in a fucking brass funnel. Shall we add your dessert in with that as well, sir? Fuck yes, just blend it all up. What is it, by the way? Blue bottle survey, sir. Oh, yes, yes, yes, I will take the lot. You dirty old bastards, sir. And that's where it cut off?

4:42alright there we go looking forward he'll be looking forward to that opening won't he Adrian a gala reopening at Slaughter's imagine that if only we could be invited to that maybe he'll be invited to it Bob and we'll find out what happens alright dream on dream on I've also been watching I know a lot of people are watching it that thing called Rape My Takeaway with the lad from Barnsley alright yeah I'm familiar with that yeah he just goes round his local shitty takeaways and rates the food. It's the fella who takes his own collapsible table and he sits outside. That's the one. That's the one, yeah.

5:19You know... God admire that, yeah. Adrian Lewis. He's done his own version, Andrew. Has he? Right. Do you want to hear one, Hank? Put it up. Yeah, of course. He's having a go at doing one in the Stoke area. It's on the Darknet, but Infinity Rocket Plastics sent me a copy harnessing the power supplied by a utility company. That's unusual. Yeah. Yeah, so I'll tell you, look, I'll just play it for you, right? All right. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm on my way to the Big Juicy on the retail park here in Stoke, where I've heard they do something called rejuvenation juices for big lads with a meaty bent.

6:09I can't wait. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. There it is. I can smell the render from inside me car. Let's get me wheelbarrow out of the car and fill her up. He's just walking in the shop now, Andy, yeah? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Hello, love. You all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Are you all right?

6:30Oh yes yes I fucking am My knockers are glowing red hot At the thought of these meaty juices Tell me what you've got Yeah alright So all the juices are based on the same stock Which is a combination of Crushed goose debris residue Punched in overboiled turtle heads And chicken stomachs That have been dropped a hundred foot Onto the abattoir courtyard And trampled on by a team of goat sufferers. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, that sounds sublime. I can already feel my arse crack lubricating like a Saint Bernard in the midday sun. Carry on, sweetheart. So, you can have Owl Neck and Trough Water, Pig Shitty with Pastrami, Bunch of Stripe with Chiefs Baruca, or the most popular one, which is called The Zoo.

7:21Oh, The Zoo, what's in that one? Nobody knows, but it's got a hell of a meaty punch. You're lovely, by the way. Can I just say that? Thank you very much. Have you worked here long? Just hold on, will you, please? I'm spoken for. Oh, are you? I bet you are. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'll tell you. I'll have one of each. Right, one of each. Right, I'm outside now. He's just walked outside with his wheelbarrow. Outside now with these beautiful juices from the big juicy. Let's get them poured into me wheelbarrow. Oh, there you go. Right, let's get stuck in. Oh, my heart is bursting. It's like swimming in an ocean of liquefied offcuts.

8:15While being caressed by an angel of meat. the goose residue really bursts through and oh fuck those punch turtle heads had a real kick at the back of the throat so I'm afraid I've got to I've got to give the big juicy a massive 10 out of 10 I'd say I'll give it 9 out of 10 I'm docking a point now because the juices have actually started to corrode me wheelbarrow on contact see you next time on Rate My Takeaway Oh, she was gorgeous, that lass. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed many elements of that.

9:00Andrew Slaughter's, the restaurant's opened up to serve food outside in the backyard on the concreted area in front of Ron Craggs' camper van, yeah? Yeah. Not getting many customers in yet because of worries about cross-contaminations, you know, between Ron's meat bins and the restaurant kitchen. So for the time being, Ron is doing the cooking in his camper van kitchen. I went, second day it was open, I was in there skulking at the back, but Adrian was in there, Adrian Lewis, the darts player, and Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer sharing a table. So I listened in. Let's do what happened. and the waiter approached them, and off we go.

9:46Good afternoon, you meaty heroes. Today is a set menu only, designed by the magnificent Rod Crags and cooked on his methane-powered campus turf. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I cannot wait. It's been so long since I nourished myself at Cragsy's Menagerie. Oh, me piss pipe is pulsing like a trumpeter's airhole. Oh, yes. Cooking with me, Finn? Says Martin A bit unusual, but I'm sure I'm going to like it Now, the set menu What's it all about then? Come and tell me what it's all about The set menu, what's it actually all about? Is this your father, Mr Lewis? No, no, no, no, fuck no It's Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer Is it now?

10:37As if I give an actual flying fuck For your starter, run a shallow-fried a pint of maggots and top them with a sauce made from his personal cheeses. Oh, fuck, fuck, that has got me popping. Sounds a little bit unusual. Fuck off. For your main course, run a serving wind-dried ticky-tocky cloths with a side dish of halibut noses. Oh, oh, fuck. How does he dry the ticky-tocky cloths? on the washing line in the Camp of Ant-Kazi. Fuck off. No, you fuck off, sir. Finally, for pudding, we have rice. A big bowl of fucking rice. Oh, fucking off sounds delicious. Come on, let's get going. I do like this place, very much indeed.

11:30Could I ask, waiter, where's the little boys' room? Where is it located so I can know for my convenience?

11:38A toilet will be available shortly, sir, in Mr Craig's camper van after he has removed the methane stove from off of the pot. Well, at this point, Andy, I left because I honestly didn't want to go inside Craig's camper van. I'd rather it was just left as a wonderful mystery, you know. Yeah, yeah, understandable, yeah.

12:03Andrew I went up to Alexander Palace in London it's one of the places I went because I needed my ray gun serviced and I I have to I don't know if you know you have to get a certificate of compliance it's like an MOT but for your ray gun it comes from the Ministry of Weapons of course it does yeah it's just routine they're like replace the quartz ignition and top up the rare levels, you know, the rare juices. They do it in an hour or so, so I thought I'd pop round to Slaughter's. Now, because it's reopened, Slaughter's Restaurant. I didn't think it would reopen, because did you know they got into big trouble with their no-mask policy?

12:48And especially when Ron Craig started filtering his gravies through used masks to try and make a point, you know what I mean? That he found lying about the retail park and that. Yeah. But you can't keep an entrepreneur like Craggsy down, Andrew. No, that's true. And sure enough, they were offering, it's like it says, post-pandemic celebration lunch, 20 quid. Yeah? Not bad, Andrew. 20 quid, three quid. That would have gone. So I took a door next to the table next to the door, so I got the occasional blast of fresh air, you know what I mean? Yeah, hopefully. No sooner had I sat down and screwed on my dining brass hand Then in walks Adrian Lewis, you know, darts player.

13:30He's with Martin. How lucky am I from Holmes Under the Hammer? Yeah. They sat a couple of tables down from me, so I listen in to what occurred. So I'll tell you what happened. Listen. Right. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, says Adrian. You're going to love it here, Marty. It's 100 % meat-based, with off-cut side orders and juices extracted directly from uncharted cuts. Oh, it's Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer. It's got a very unusual smell. A bit like a landfill site, you know, or a shit farm. Unusual. But you know what? I think I like it. Oh, good lad Marty. It turns some people's stomachs. But you know what?

14:16It just turns me on. And away she comes along. All right, you pair of bollocks. Are you ready to place your orders? May I ask, what's actually in the dish Moment of Death platter? Yes sir, you certainly fucking can. Alright, what's in the Moment of Death platter? It's a platter of raw cuts that have been sliced off just after their final scream. tongue, lung sack, liver fat, heel and inner and outer ear. Right, and what does he come with? Good. And of course it's virtually swimming in various bloods. No, maybe not. What are you having, Adrian, my sweet, sweet, darty party? Oh, what's this one here?

15:13A taste of Herefordshire. Oh, that sounds wonderful. It conjures up images of fields of wheat and lambs galloping on pastures while the harvest moon sets on the horizon. It's beef tendons in pig's milk with a shocking amount of nasal line and patty as a side dish. Oh, you meaty hero, that has got me popping and sweating like a trout in a microwave. The pig's milk has been slightly curdled with chicken hormones. Fuck off. No, you fuck off, sir. Not till I've eaten. I'll take one of those, thank you. What about you, Marty? Do you just do a steak with maybe some chips? I love chips, especially the twice-fried ones, which I know sounds a bit unusual, but I do like it.

16:08Yes, I do, do, do push pineapple shit. the tree. Excuse me, sir, but please never mention fruit in this establishment. The legal pack on our website makes this very fucking clear. Chef Craggs considers it a curse. Oh, well, God, at that moment, Craggs, he arrived at the table. Did I just hear some fucker mention the name of his fucking throat? Yes, that was me. Sorry, I didn't know it wasn't allowed. I do beg your pardon. It shan't happen again. Oops. Everything seems to have gone a little bit pear-shaped. Jesus, for the quads, man. There you go again. That's twice the fucking quads. And you haven't even ordered yet.

16:54Is that your perfume, I can smell? It's interfering with the meaty ambience, like a copper at one of me dog fights. Fuck it, strong and cheap. Where did you get it? B &M Bargans? No, it's a well-known brand, actually. It's called Apricots by Bunjami. Sorry, Ron. I'll deal with this. Get out of the restaurant now, you fucking hedgehog in a coat. I'll give you three seconds before I tip me cleaver to your legs. Fuck, fuck, you'd better go, Marty. You'd better get out. And Martin ran out, you know, screaming almost. I should have read the legal pack on the website before I came in. So at just that moment, Cragsy started having a piss on the floor.

17:38So I thought, I'm not up to it today. I followed Martin out. And we went to prep for a crayfish sandwich and a flaxseed latte. Oh, that's nicer. That's nicer, isn't it? Much nicer. I mean, you know, it's all there, isn't it? Always read the legal pack. Always read the legal pack. That's the advice, isn't it?

18:02Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

18:39You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash start now. That's growtherapy.com slash start now. growtherapy.com slash start now. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

19:2075 % of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now. Midi is virtual care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. Midlife needs Midi. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit today. That's joinmidi.com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage.

19:58Crime Files

20:04The small market town of Amersham lies some 20 miles north of London in the picturesque valley of the River Misborne Historically known for brewing, lace manufacture and brick making it is now a quiet commuter hub with many notable bars, restaurants and leisure facilities. A fine place to live. That is until the 7th of February, 2018, when the shit hit the fan.

20:34Hidden among the narrow streets of Amersham was the small workshop and gallery of Mr Neil Hunt, the nonsense potter. On that day, Neil was sat at his workbench applying some otter manure dubbing to his hiking boots. The kiln was still warm from a firing and a cup of hot bovril was steaming on the bench. Suddenly into the shop walked a darts player, Adrian Lewis, accompanied by chef Ron Craggs and the head waiter from Slaughter's Restaurant in Alexander Palace. What do you pass no marks want? If you're looking for a betting shop, it's three doors down. This is a nonsense pottery. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

21:13Look at all this stuff. Did you just repeat the F word in front of my beautiful pots? No, no, no. I said we're in luck, luck. We're in luck, luck, luck. Jesus Christ! What is that stench coming off you lot? It smells like a maggot farm. So very sorry, Mr Nonsense Potter. The smell is various residues that are clinging to Chef Craig's zeppelin. I shall ask him to remove it and place it outside Why should I remove my apron? I'm wearing it all day to let me body heat and ferment the residues and let you scrape them into the night's gravy Oh look, look, look, that has got me popping I absolutely adore Chef Craig's apron gravy Just put it outside Ron Fucking rum In my mind, the customer's always right.

22:10And if this customer wants to ferment airplane juices in situ, then that's what we shall fucking do. Right, that's it. Get out of my pottery. I don't like your attitude or your gutter language. Go on, get out. Oh, fuck.

22:31Easy, Mr. Potter. Nobody, and I mean nobody, talks to running crags like that. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Look, look, listen. We've got off to a bad start. Let's all calm down. We're here to buy a big pottery platter for Ron's anniversary meal. We've got£1 ,000 burning a hole in me tracksuit bottoms. So come on, let's do business. £1 ,000, you say? And will you stop with the potty talk? Absolutely. Sorry, my bad. I might just have the thing for you. Have a look at this 24-inch porcelain-glazed beauty featuring a seal balancing a ball on its snout. Oh, look, look, look, look, that's beautiful. Look at the seal's juicy thigh meat.

23:20Imagine biting into them with a fox lung coulee. Oh, that's softened my tits into rice pudding. It's very, very fucking striking. Sorry, my bad. It's not... It's not fucking big enough for what I'm planning. And the seal looks like the sauce yakes. I'd rather serve up on a cow pack. In fact, I think I fucking will. Oh, you don't like it, do you? Oh, well, how hurtful. This is coming from a hideous cook that stinks of awful and speaks like he's got a mouth full of condoms. Go on out. Get out of my pottery. No, son. You get out.

24:06At this point, Ron Craggs ripped off his apron and shirt, revealing a massive tattoo of a Citroen Berlingo on his chest. Come here. Come here, you little junker dick. Ron grabbed Neil around his midriff and started to squeeze him so tightly that a pebble was ejected into Neil Hunt's slacks. Get off me, you ape. Get off me! You should know that my sister's son's Spanish tutor owns a bullfighting costume and my father's insurance agent owns a Zulu spear that he won in a cruise raffle. Get off me! Suddenly, Neil finds himself struggling for breath and Ron loosens his grip, causing Neil to fall to the fore like a sack of pliers.

24:51Ron pulls his foot back, ready to deliver a steel toe cap to Neil's temple.

25:02Why? Why is it always, little old me? I once gave Pudsey Bear 50 pounds for a cuddle and I pray every night for animals with compromised movements. Neil closes his eyes awaiting the blow to his temple but it never came. He looked up to see the three strangers all nose deep in his bucket of otter-dubbin. This is the most concentrated meaty butter I have ever licked. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, you meaty pottery hero. This is second-level meat wax. Save some for me, you greedy bastards. Oh, fuck off. No, you fuck off. We must have more of this day's renewing. How much for another bucket? One thousand pounds.

25:51That's a fucking deal, sirs. My bad. Come on, let's take this bucket back to Slaughter's and wash it around with Ron's gravy Send it in the post to Slaughter's Alexander Palace, you fucker So's my bad The three left the shop leaving a thick wad of cash on the table Ha ha ha! A thousand pounds for otter manure? It's ten pounds on the internet, you tod warriors I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my life

26:28I don't know if you've heard, Andy, but Adrian Lewis, you know, the darts player, got into a bit of a scrap with Peter's snake bite right last week. Yeah, he did. Did you hear about that? Yeah. Do you know why he's got the snake thing going? Do you know the history of it? Why is he snake? Was he bitten by a snake or something? I think he was bitten by a snake, and it made his hair stick up and turn into a different colour. I think that's where it was. So the snake bite kind of gave him his darts power? Yeah, I think a multitude of effects from the snake bite, yeah. It's like a Marvel comic origin story, isn't it, really?

27:07No one is sure, Andy, what the fight was about, you know, the background to it, but I might be able to shed some light on it because I was at Slaughter's Restaurant the day before. All right, okay. And then we're both in there. Right. Yeah, so I was in the Ali Pali area. getting a broken coil on me ray gun repaired in an MOT at Knock John's Armoury an old fashioned sweet shop a nice combination that isn't it Andy ray guns and the old fashioned sweets can I just say is this a bit that I have to contribute to or is this I can't remember but if it is we'll come to that point I literally can't remember you haven't sent me anything that's all yeah the old fashioned sweet shop do you remember pineapple chunks do you Do you remember them?

27:52You used to make the roof of your mouth right sore with the rough edges. So you had to put it in your hanky to take a breather. And then when you went to blow your nose, the sweet would get stuck in your brass hand mechanism so you would spend hours picking it off with your good hand and miss the parent-teacher's evening. Do you remember that? Anyway, I dropped the ray gun off and Chalfont Redmayer was the operative on duty that day. and he had a lovely and he's all snaky today he had a lovely snake head medallion around his neck just a deep nail I noticed said it would be about an hour to fit the coil and complete the MOT I'm actually thinking of selling the Raygrun and upgrading it to one with a stun set in Andy, what do you reckon?

28:40I would if I were you because you've had no but grief with it over the years continually taking it back to get repaired I'll just I'll just use we buy any ray gun probably. Yeah, get shot of it as quick as you can. Saves a bit of time, doesn't it? I mean, who wants strangers coming round your house prodding and talking your ray gun down to get a cheaper price? Just leave it out on your front step. The Scrap Man will take it away. So I'll pop into the slaughters, slip into a booth next to the one where Adrian and Snakebite are, sat giving their orders to the waiter. So you're quite right, Andy.

29:14I think you've got quite a lot to do in this one. So, shall I do that now? Please do that now, yeah. Right, ready when you are. Anyway, so I pop into Slaughter's, slip into the booth next to the one where Adrian Lewis and Peter Snakebite write us that, giving their orders to the waiter. Adrian's the first one to speak. Oh, oh, you love this place, Peter. Oh, it's a mecca for the sweetest meats and the tastiest residues. If blood has flowed through it, They will cook it without fucking hesitation. Now run us through your specials. For starter, we are offering a broth made from the nasal cartilage of a pig served with crispy refried duck ears.

30:01It's very fucking intense. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, you meaty temptress. My tits have rotated 180 degrees and my arse pimples are bursting at the prospect. I'll have two of them, please. What about you, Peter? No, not for me. You got any nachos or dirty fries? Keep your fucking voice down, sir. We won't have talk of carbs in this establishment. Fuck off. No, you fuck off, sir. You can have the patty if the broth is not your thing. What sort of patty is it? Ghost tongue. Does it come with toast? Listen, mate, I've already given you a warning about carbs. One more mention and I'll have to dab you in the run, crags.

30:48Be fucking have. No, sir. The patty is served on a slice of deep fried crispy owl flange. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's got me popping. I'll have a couple of them and all. I'll pass on the starter. What's the main? The main course is nine inches cubed of aged and hardened rabbit buttocks served in a shroud fashioned from the gusset of Ron Crag's cooking trousers. A chisel is provided to penetrate the cube. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My guts are tumultuous. It's as if I've swallowed a tornado. I'll have two of them with a side of otter knuckles. Does it come with chips or mash? Right, that's it.

31:33You've had your warnings. Run, run, get out of here. We've got a carb warrior on the premises. Oh, fuck Peter, fuck, fuck, now you've had it. Carbs is like a red rag to Craggsy, and he's been on the crystal meth all morning. You are for it. Yeah, but you'll look after me, won't you? No chance. Ron Craggs is an animal. You're on your own now, mate. Ron arrives at the table.

32:03That's what... What the fuck is going on here? I was right in the middle of flying up some cartridge. This blue ear has done a three-stroke car benching. Careful where that hammer run. How fucking dare he? Hold on. He's got a fucking snake on his head. Let's kill it and get it on the slow boil. Well, Ron takes a swipe at Peter's head, missing narrowly on account of his bent vision. And Peter takes the opportunity to scarper out of the restaurant. Peter says as he goes, Thanks for backing us up there, ape man. Where's he gone? Where's he gone? I want that snake! And Ron runs out of the restaurant to search for him.

32:48So anyway, I waited around half an hour, but Ron didn't return, so the waiter announced, I'm afraid Ron has gone maverick, folks, so I will have to terminate the sitting. So very, very fucking sorry. yeah so that was that I went back to the ray gun shop the door was open and I immediately saw Chalfont Redmayer was slumped over the counter bleeding from a wound on his head and next to him was the chain from the snake medallion oh my god you know what's happened there Ron's seen the snake I phoned 999 left a note asking for them just to forward the email to my home address yeah somebody will deal with that I guess, yeah.

33:36There'll be someone there at Knocker John's who deals with that sort of thing. Yeah, it's not a one-man operation. They'll have someone who'll take over. One of the staff's been killed.