1. Podcasts
  2. Athletico Mince
  3. Boiled Parsnips 56: Gold Card Renewal
Athletico Mince

8 Sep 2026 · 38m · 14 chapters

Episode artwork

Boiled Parsnips 56: Gold Card Renewal

In short

A comedic chat-show episode mixing Halloween banter, food/quirky “topics of interest,” football talk, and listener questions (“parsnippers”). It includes mock news about lowering central heating in Macclesfield Town dressing rooms by 1.5 degrees, a “Memory Man” quiz (horse racing question from 1983), and a long, absurd story about a “Ron Crag” restaurant set menu made of animal parts. It also riffs on Greggs loyalty/freebies, onion eating, goalkeepers’ gloves, and whether dogs are getting too big.

Guests

No real guests appear. The only “guest” mentioned is Mark Lawrenson, but the transcript is framed as a studio segment with him (TalkSport-style) rather than a separate interview; the main hosts are Andy (Andy Dawson/Andy Dore) and Robert/Bob, plus Brooke DeVard for ads/host promos.

Key claims/examples

Pura fragrance creates an “atmosphere” controlled by phone; “protein pints” contain 50% cooking lager + 50% liquidised raw egg (with extreme cautions); “intrusion imps” memo dictates absurd football rules; “Gold Card Renewal” centers on Greggs freebies and pricing (“not going to get cheaper than that”).

Written by AI. May contain mistakes.

Chapters

2:52

Song Performance

Andy performs a humorous song, setting a lighthearted tone for the episode.

“She's six feet tall with her face like a protein bar.”
4:44

Christmas Preparations

The hosts discuss the upcoming Christmas season and festive shopping tips.

“and I wanted you to take responsibility for that.”
6:10

Onions and Sandwiches

A lively discussion on the best ways to eat onions and classic sandwich choices.

“I don't think they're getting any lower than that.”
8:10

Sailors vs. Sailing

The hosts debate the merits of sailors compared to sailing itself.

“Yeah, but the egg's always cooked, innit?”
10:02

Football Insights

A humorous take on goalkeepers and discussions about football viewing experiences.

“I think that's what you say, isn't it, when you're about to insult someone.”
12:30

Life Observations

The hosts share quirky observations and experiences related to various topics.

“I don't think I've seen him look so shaken in many an hour.”
14:24

Mark Lawrenson's Sandwich Insights

Mark Lawrenson shares his Tupperware of sandwich fillings and discusses long throws in football.

“Joining me in the studio now is none other than Mr Mark Lawrenson.”
15:11

Memory Man Challenge

A fun quiz segment where Mark recalls details from a historical event related to horse racing.

“Are you sure you don't want to try one of these 10 sandwiches?”
18:35

Sean Dyche's Memo

A humorous reading of a fictitious memo from Sean Dyche to his players.

“If your movement's hard then drink a sunny D, if it's quick and sticky then send it to me.”
19:50

Parsnips Questions

The hosts respond to listener questions, including freebies and humorous debates.

“If you're tackled hard, stay on the deck.”
Show all 14 chapters
23:07

Pop Music True or False Quiz

A quiz segment testing knowledge of pop music acts from 1976, with humorous wrong answers.

“Oh, you've got some proof he stole it, have you?”
27:09

Updating Tech and Squashies

A light-hearted discussion about a tech update and insights on the diet of a friend.

“I'll tell you what else I was watching as well.”
28:00

Dining Delights with Adrian Lewis and Gerwin Price

Join the hosts as they share a humorous story about a dining experience with darts players Adrian Lewis and Gerwin Price.

“So he was out and some lad there called Hemnen or something like that, Hemnen, Hemnen, I can't remember, was on the front desk.”
34:32

Discussing Dogs and Family Businesses

The conversation shifts to topics like the size of dogs and the trustworthiness of family-run businesses.

“I have got some topics of interest for you Go on then Before we bring this to a conclusion Can there be too big a dog?”
A man walking through an airport, asking his phone a question

Ask about this episode

Get the gist, explore an idea or ask about something said.

Claude

On Athletico Mince, what are the key points of this episode?

Searching your listening

Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00Hi, it's Brooke DeVard, host of Naked Beauty, and I want to talk about how I upgrade my hosting experience. There's a moment just before guests arrive when my home stops feeling like a series of rooms and it becomes an atmosphere. The light settles, the air shifts, and then the beautiful scent of jasmine, rose, and fig fill the air. It feels warm and considered. That's what Pura does. It turns fragrance into environment. A collection of beautiful, clean fragrances, all controlled from your phone. Choose your sense of place at Pura.com.

0:43All right there, honky-tonk. All right, how are you doing? Nice one. Nice to see you. All right. Yeah, we're recording this on Halloween. I see that you've commemorated that with your fucking scary face. I'm sorry it's so dark, Andy, but I live in the dark, you know. It's when I'm happy. What's that show? I'm already being daft What's your favourite monster to imagine on Halloween? Oh, the one on Monster Munch packets Yeah, he's a decent monster isn't he? Yeah, chunky That's what I like I like him, but if I wanted to be genuinely scared, I think some kind of ape, do you know what I mean? A great big obese ape A shaved ape Possibly.

1:32Oh, man. Have you seen pictures of shaved apes? Like on amphetamines as well. Oh, man. That would be really scary. It is scary. So that's my monster of choice. Have you seen the picture of the owls? You know, when an owl lifts its trousers up, you can see how long its legs is. That's scary. I'm very fond of owls. Hoot, hoot. Is all that, you know. Can we just, before we go any further, No, can we first of all? Can you tell me what that shirt is? It's probably something that's someone, is it? It's this fricking podcast, Athletical Mitz. Oh, Athletical Mitz, quite nice, yeah. Yeah, I thought I would sort of counteract your inevitable criticism of my T-shirt by wearing one that is possibly beyond criticism.

2:14Beyond criticism, you're right. Is it good quality, by the way? This isn't an advert, but I just want to... I've had a few, yeah. It's held out quite well. The badge that's on there is right over the tit, right over the left tit. What size are you rocking at the moment? Extra large, extra extra large? It's an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL. So that's a 9X. Wow, it's a big shirt. You'll get a lot of cloths out of that, you know, when it's finished. But listen, Andrew. What? I like to start with a song. Are you ready to receive it or not? I am just about ready. I'm now ready. Off we go. Here it comes. I've been listening to that country vocal music Eating beans and chicken dippers straight from the pan I'm allergic to those little chicken boulders And my head has taken on the texture of a lump of spam I met a lady on the Facebook that loves country music She plays the banjo and the steel pedal guitar She's asked me for a proper portrait photo But with this swollen head I look so fucking bizarre I'm that honky, I'm that bright as a spark I'm Andy Dore, oh, it's an end I'm pissing on shadows Shadows, shadows, in the fucking dark

3:53Her name is Lynn and she works as an Uber driver. She's six feet tall with her face like a protein bar. I need to start beating those fucking chicken dippers. So my head shrinks back and I might fit inside her car. I'm that honky, I'm that bright as a spark. I'm Andy Dawson I'm pissing on shadows Shadows, shadows In the fucking dark Oh yeah Who loves you, baby? Fucking ha! So that's the song to kick us off, Andrew. Very professionally delivered. Thank you very much indeed. I was trying to apologise earlier for just the lack of episodes that's been recently. I wanted to completely and utterly blame you and I wanted you to take responsibility for that.

4:49Yeah, I'll take full responsibility for that. I've got a lot on me plate, Andy. And I've had illnesses, you know, various illnesses. Life isn't easy sometimes, Andy. I was going to ask, because it's been a while, how is your health, Robert? Well, I'm a bit knackered, but you carry on, you know. I'm not one of those to complain. I've got an attitude of gratitude. Hey Andy, at least I don't look like you LOL Here, as a kind of a way of making up for stuff and that, and brightening people's lives up Christmas is coming, right? Fair to say, Christmas is coming It feels like it's on its way, Andy Christmas means three things, if nothing else Tubs of celebrations, tubs of heroes Bottles of Baileys And I wanted to just deliver a message to the listeners currently, right now, which would be 31st of October, so if this advice doesn't, you know, check out next week, I'm sorry, but celebrations right now, £4.42 a tub in Asda, I don't feel they're getting any lower than that.

5:56No, they ain't getting lower than that, Andy. Heroes,£4.92 for a tub. That's good, that's very good. I don't think they're getting any lower than that. I don't think they're getting any lower than that. I think now's the time to strike. I like saying that. I don't think they're getting any lower than that. I don't think they're getting any lower than that. Say it like an actor, but it's like, it's a serial killer detective-y thing, you know, do you know what I mean? Try and give that vibe. A serial killer detective? I'm the detective, not the serial killer. The detective. I don't think they can get any lower than that.

6:31Yeah, that's pretty good. Maybe David Morrissey that was. What about I don't think they're going to get any lower than that, son. That's good. I preferred yours. All right. Remember, Martin Lewis could adopt either or both of them next time he talks about the price of Tubbs. Bailey's, right? Yeah. Morrison's, one litre bottle,£11. It's not going to get any lower than that. It's not going to get any lower than that. It's not going to get any lower than that. And that's a promise. So act now is what I'm saying Good advice Andy I'm sure that's been well received Topics of interest, best way to eat an onion You'll probably just answer that straight off Can you?

7:18Just raw in your hand Peeled obviously Like an apple Do you know raw but in a cheese and onion sandwich I do like that Andrew I do like that Andy Andy that's something that I do like Old school sandwich that but I think it's classic It's classic isn't it And, you know, you can't get it, Andy. You can get all sorts of tooty-fruoty-fru-fru, you know, like egg and fucking chilli powder and shit, but just the cheese and onions, getting tricky. You can get them at the motorway services. Yeah, I think there's a fear of delivering raw onions as ingredients. Ah, right. Within some kind of filling. I don't think...

7:56I think the big corporations have lost their nerve. When it comes to the onion. When it comes to a raw onion, yeah. But funnily enough, Andy, you say that, And, you know, I kind of agree with you. I do. You'd think there'd be more problems storing and dealing with egg. And you get egg in a sarnie. I mean... I saw... Yeah, but the egg's always cooked, innit? I went to a garage, got an egg mayonnaise for£1.99. And I tell you what, Andy, it's not going to get any lower than that. It's not going to get any lower than that. Topic of interest number two. Do you prefer sailors or sailing? I know about...

8:35Sailors or sailing? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to imagine one without the other, really, unless I am the sailor. No. Well, I don't know about that. Well, we could return to it if it's piqued your interest. I prefer sailing because I enjoy a body of water. Okay, nice. That's all I'm going to say. Now, listen up. Are you one of these people who could actually watch and get involved in a football match, watching it on your phone? No. It's impossible, isn't it? It's impossible. No. No. I wouldn't even fucking give that time a day. No. I've tried, you know. I've covered that. But I see people doing it and I don't believe it.

9:16That's covered. Next topic. I'm getting frustrated with goalkeepers. Are all goalkeepers soft lads? Well, I am really annoyed by the size of goalkeepers' gloves these days. Yeah, they're getting... They're like... Do you remember when Kenny Everett used to be that preacher and you had them massive hands. It's like that now. They're like that. That's what it's like. That's what it's like. That's what it's like now. There's probably no rules regarding the size of the hands, of the gloves. There probably isn't. Perhaps there should be. Might have to bring them in. Do you ever, have you often inspected under your fridge or your oven, if you had to share your living room with a farm animal, which one would you choose?

9:57That's two questions, that, isn't it? I'm just running them past you. Right, okay. They've ran past me then I'll come back and double back on them later I've got some for you but I'll save them for later Okay but listen up This is one I do want your answer now If you had to take a coach trip to Aberdeen Would you rather sit next to Harry Redknapp Or Sean Dyche I want your answer now son It would have to be Sean Dyche I agree No contest Do you want to back that up at all or just... Well, yeah, I kind of will. I say this with nothing but love. It's coming from a place of love. I think that's what you say, isn't it, when you're about to insult someone.

10:43Someone carry on. This comes from a place of love, but I think I read that's boring, twat.

10:52Do you know, I might agree with you. Are you watching the latest Marriage at First Sight? I don't know what that is. Oh, fucking hell, you useless fucker.

11:03I found myself listening to TalkSport again the other morning. It was Jim White and Simon Jordan, you know. That's a nice pairing of men, isn't it, to hear coming out of the radio, those two men. It's a nice blend. Nice blend, isn't it, Andy? Yeah. Anyway, I knew there was a good guest coming on, so I taped it on a machine, right? And I'd like to play that for you now, if you don't mind, sir. Okay Go for it Starts off with Jim White Oh thanks for joining us At the top of this hour As we bring some extraordinary And astonishing breaking news Right now This news has broken in the last few seconds And as a result Puss is oozing out of it Still piping hot In fact I think I can see some steam Emitting from it So it might be worth sitting down if you're not already.

12:03The news reaching us from Macclesfield Town is that the temperature of the central heating in the home and away dressing rooms on match days is to be lowered to the tune of 1.5 degrees as of next weekend. What is going on? That news comes with winter approaching fast and it's going to be very interesting to see what effect, if any, it has on Macclesfield's race for promotion. Or whatever else might be going on there. I really don't know. Simon Jordan, sitting beside me. I don't think I've seen him look so shaken in many an hour. Simon, your reaction to this breaking news? Well, Jim, residing as we do in 2025 in the marketplace of ideas, it's not beyond reason for one to perambulate through the main thoroughfare of said marketplace and pause in an attempt to breathe in the winds of change and maybe exhale some tolerance and understanding into our own personal ecospheres.

13:00Oh, I hear you on that, my friend. I really do. So then, a reduction of one and a half degrees. Simon, it wouldn't be unreasonable to reframe that statistic and describe it for added dramatic effect as up to ten degrees. Is it fair to say that we're standing on the precipice of a new era for non-league football right now? Simon Jordan. Oh, can't one ever truly understand what a precipice is unless one has stood on one with a third of one's foot hanging over the rim? Can we deploy the word rim without thinking about the rim of a toilet bowl? And is that itself just another kind of precipice? Oh, wise words, my friend.

13:41Simon Jordan, very wise words. We're going to take a short break and we'll return with a very special guest indeed. We'll be right back. I'm a bloody man and I bloody love pints, but like most men these days, I also bloody love protein. I never thought I'd be able to combine the two, but stone me! Protein pints have come along and proved me wrong. Every keg of protein pints contains 50 % cooking lager and 50 % liquidised raw egg, and that adds up to 100 % taste and nutrition. Ask your nearest barman or barmaid for a protein pint today. See where that gets you. I'll tell you where it gets you. An eggy buzz and some amazing muscles.

14:19Caution. Consumption of as little as 10 millimetres of a protein pint may cause constipation, hypertension, erectile dysfunction, self-reaching and salmonella. And the fun stops. Stop. And we're back. Joining me in the studio now is none other than Mr Mark Lawrenson. Thanks for coming in, Mark. We've got a major development to discuss, right? That's right, Jim. I've brought in three Tupperware food storage boxes with Clip Lock closure functionality. And I'd like to talk you through my top ten sandwich fillings. Well, that's not actually the way we asked you in, Mark. I've got an example of each filling, 10 fillings encased in 20 slices of Warburton's milk roll.

14:56We can each try them. No, but Mark, I wanted to talk to you about the recent trend for the long throwing in the Premier League. For many years now, your commentary catchphrase has been quite simply, throwing. What's your response to the long throws? And will it change how you commentate? Are you sure you don't want to try one of these 10 sandwiches? Mark, I'd love to, but we're running out of time here. Tell me, are you planning to adopt your throwing catchphrase given the reappearance of the longer throws at the highest level of the game? I'd probably just say it slower. Like, throwing. Brilliant, and that's an incredible exclusive here for us on TalkSport.

15:41Right, here's my top ten sandwich fillings. Number ten Chase and Onion Number nine And that's where I stopped recording So there you go Probably for the best I reckon before he go into his top ten I should say A little bit of housekeeping That I forgot to do at the top of the show Yeah As they say It is time once again to re-establish your credentials As the Memory Man Okay, yeah. If you're ready for that. I'm sorry to spring it on you, but I assume that you're always ready. It was on the back of my mind. I knew it was that time of year. You knew it was coming. Yeah. You knew it was coming. All right, Bob, if you could, can you tell me, do you remember what came in second place in the Queensway Furniture Cup at the Horse of the Year show in October 1983?

16:41Ah, 1983. Now, have a think. I can possibly give you a little bit more information if you need it. A little bit more, Andy, please, a little bit more. Well, it was, as I say, October 1983. It was held at Wembley Arena, and it was broadcast on BBC One at 10.15pm. Ah, now that's ringing a bell. Do I remember? No, you can remember the name of the horse itself or the jockey, or both. Do you remember them? I remember them both.

17:14There it is. There it is. Incredible. Incredible. Whoa. Credentials very much re-established there for another few months. Like passing your MOT, you know, or renewing your insurance. Feels good.

17:32Hi, it's Brooke DeVard, host of Naked Beauty, and I want to talk about how I upgrade my hosting experience. There's a moment just before guests arrive when my home stops feeling like a series of rooms and it becomes an atmosphere. The light settles, the air shifts, and then the beautiful scent of jasmine, rose, and fig fill the air. It feels warm and considered. That's what Pura does. It turns fragrance into environment. A collection of beautiful, clean fragrances, all controlled from your phone. Choose your sense of place at Pura.com. There's one thing that will forever change the way you sleep, and it's the softest 100 % organic cotton bedding from Bowl & Branch.

18:06You'll fall asleep faster, wrapped in the most luxurious comfort. You'll never sleep hot again with airy blankets, cloud-like duvets, and breathable sheets. You'll experience pure comfort on night one and feel your bedding get softer with every wash. Discover the difference with 15 % off your first order at bowlandbranch.com with code BUTTERY. Exclusions apply. See site for details.

18:35so the lads at infinity um sent me something interesting um to do with sean dyche they've managed to get hold of a memo sent to all the players and members of staff um they apparently sucked it out of the airways or whatever using an intrusion imp so I can read that out for you have you heard about these intrusion imps? I've seen them on the internet very clever so here it is

19:07I'm the boss and you're the minions from now on it's pie with beef and onions call me boss or gaffer if you're cheeky colonic irrigation must be administered weekly On the pitch it's kick and rush, in the bogs it's never flush. If your movement's hard then drink a sunny D, if it's quick and sticky then send it to me. And remember, tarmac, pylons, cables, egg, sealant, pliers, and that's the forest way. If you're tackled hard, stay on the deck. If you're barely touched, pretend it's your neck. No backheels or flicks will be used at pain of losing your half-time booze. The showers will be cold and fancy lads sold.

20:07If you score a goal, you get an extra pie. If you boot it out the ground, you get a Sean's surprise. It's usually a burger with extra fries. And remember... Ointment. MDF. Lard. Ape films. Qatar. And that's the Forest Way.

20:47and that there you have it there we are the showers will be cold and what was the next bit fancy lads will be sold what was showers where was that you know you're right to bring me up on that let's have a look the showers will be cold and fancy lads sold oh god that's going to be so true that's going to be so true would you oh I'll tell you what we'll do first we've got some questions from the parsnippers we'll have them okay Just a few of them I've not seen them Andy but that doesn't bother me Oh you can just riff I'm sure you can just riff Hey Nick Arnott reckons Do either of you have any freebies Owing on your Greg's loyalty app Do you use the Greg's loyalty app I don't use it Andy I'm not a Greg's person but I have recently received my new Toby Gold card So that's one year of carveries You fucker Not another one Yeah.

21:46And this time, if it could be a more intense gold, it is. You know, you told me it had lapsed and they hadn't sent you another one, but they've come good. Come good on me, yeah. Bastard. I'm distraught. Yeah, I did recently use three freebies. I got a free sandwich, I got a free pasty, and I got a free hot drink. Nice. Just in the last couple of weeks. But how much do you have to eat to get that free? You know what I mean? You have to have nine of each of those things, and then you get a 10.3. Well done, Andy, well done. Good work. I'm an achiever. So how much is a sausage roll at the moment at Greg's?

22:28A sausage roll is about£1.80, probably. It's not going to get cheaper than that. It fucking is if you go somewhere else. Graham Fandango says, are scampi fries just dreamies for grown men? Oh. I think. Oh. Very possibly. Which came first, the scampi fries or the dreamies? No. Because they are pretty much, texturally, shape-wise are the same, aren't they? Yeah, I'm going to say, yeah. Well done, sir. Yeah, I'm saying, yeah as well. Well done, sir. Yeah, they are. I had dropped that warning because I was impressed by it. He might have nicked it off someone else, in which case, fuck you, Grim. Well, there's no need to say that.

23:10Honestly. Oh, he's condoning theft now. Well, what, you think? Oh, you've got some proof he stole it, have you? No, I'd say he might have. Just if he has. Blimey.

23:22Lewis Clare needs to get a new pig and he wants to know what he should call it. He adds that it'll be a lady. This is some thinking on your feet required here. Name a pig. Linda Wink. Linda Wink. Or maybe the coin? Janet Thursday? Janet Thursday would do the job? Come on. Solid. Some more naming of things. Sean Roach says, I've wrote a play where a lad from Oldham finds his centre-forward has been sold to the front line at Sheffield Wednesday. Going to use mechanical puppets and that, but wondered what I should call it. Call the play? All done to Sheffield Wednesday All done to Sheffield Wednesday Centre forward mechanical puppets Fucking hell I'd call Have you got an idea Andrew?

24:18Well there's this There's a trend really for naming drama series That have absolutely nothing to do With kind of what's happening in them I'd call it the Thursday Just set it on a Thursday and you can call it the Thursday Well I think that the centre forward They should concentrate on the series Let's say he's called Rick Sparrow or Rick Hammer, you know what I mean? Yeah. And just call it Hammer or Sparrow. Then you'll definitely get a commission from ITV then. Yeah, you'll get people coming in to see it who would like hammers and sparrows. Exactly, yeah. And I'm so interested in the actual subject matter within.

24:52I'm going to give you a quiz. Is that all right? Go on then. Feels like it is. A couple of weeks ago, I was just, you know, amusing myself, watching Top of the Pops on a Friday night on BBC4, as I am wont to do. There was the 1976, I think it was the 14th of October, maybe something like that. And there were some acts within the Top 40 that I had never heard of. So these are true or false. I'm going to give you five pop acts from 1976, October, and I want you to tell me if it's true or false whether they were in that chart or if I've just fucking made them up. Right. First up, Orange Popsicle.

25:37Orange Popsicle. True or false? False. Yeah. Yeah, it was false. Thank you. Fuck's sake. Second one, Rick Dees and his cast of idiots. False. True or false? False. Humiliation. Humiliation for you there, Bob. Rick Dees and his cast of idiots were responsible for the hit single Disco Duck. Third one. Jumbo Trudgeon. True or false? Jumbo Trudgeon. Jumbo Trudgeon. I'll say true. Humiliation. Further humiliation there for you, Robert. Jumbo Trudgeon was actually a player for Melchester Rovers in Roy of the Rovers throughout the 1970s. Okay. Fourth of five. I can see you're getting bored now because you're getting them wrong.

26:25No, I'm right up for it. fourth of five Hot Blood Hot Blood was that in the charts? were they in the charts? yes true correct Hot Blood were responsible for a song called Soul Dracula which I think is appropriate for this Halloween very nice Andy episode very nice finally fifth of five Acker Bilk true or false? true of course it's true Was he in the chart in 1976? He was in the chart in 1976 with a tune called Aria. So there we are. You just about nicked it. You won that one. Three to two. Thank you, Andy. I did enjoy that. Thank you. I'll tell you what else I was watching as well. The big match revisited.

27:12Middlesbrough versus Newcastle. Yeah. 1976, I think it was. Was it three each? Yes. Were you there? Yeah, I was there, yeah. I thought you might have been looking out for you. I think that Newcastle equalised like 95th minute or something. Something like that. Something like that, and I'd left. I had left. Oh, right, so in your mind you'd won. Yeah, I remember that. That was a good game. That was a good game. Good times. I was up near Alexander Palace the other day, Andy, needed to drop me rare gun off, Infinity Rocket Plastics, for what they call a firmware update. Oh, yeah. Moose wasn't there.

27:53He popped out for the dentist appointment, apparently. His gums have receded by six millimetres in the last year. Might be his diet, you know. All he eats all day is squashies. Do you know them squashies? Yeah, seen them on the internet, yeah. So he was out and some lad there called Hemnen or something like that, Hemnen, Hemnen, I can't remember, was on the front desk. He sorted the firmware update, agreed to do that, and threw in, listen to this, a full plasma replacement. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Wow. So that was nice. He tried to upsell me as well, you know. It turns out Nebulas have just launched a new V, an X180S for Christmas.

28:41But do you know what? I'm happy with my 160, I'll be honest. You're remembering this very well. Thank you. The fine details. Yeah, what's the difference then between the upgraded one and the one? Well, apparently the 180 can, like, fire around corners. But, you know, I'm not a fucking spy, I don't really need to do that. Yeah, that's true. And it was pricey as well. Anyway, so he was sorting out the upgrade, and I went around to Slaughter's restaurant for a bite to eat, filling the time, got my usual booth in the corner, and just as I sat down, Adrian Lewis came in, and he brought a friend with him.

29:15Oh, who was that then? Gerwin Price, you know, the Iceman of darts You know him? He's quite excitable, isn't he? He's an excitable lad, yeah, he certainly can be So anyway, Adrian Gerwin sat down and the waiter came over and here's what went out Adrian starts off Oh, you're going to fucking love it here, Gerwin but just try to keep calm Please don't embarrass me I'm a regular No problem, Edie I'm the Iceman, remember? Always, always plainly cool. And the waiter approached them. Good afternoon, gentlemen, and strap yourselves in for a jet ride to a meaty galaxy in the form of a Ron Crag's set menu that goes by the name of Fuck-a-Donkey-Doodle-Fucking-Doo.

30:03Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, bang and fuck again. I'm already at the point of popping and I don't even know what exactly is on offer yet. Enlighten me further, you glorious man. please for starters gentlemen you are invited to enjoy a thrice boiled soup fashioned from the pancreas of a family of squirrels oh my god grey squirrels red sir oh fuck me on the backside of the moon I need an industrial sized tungsten spoon some kind of asbestos bib to comfortably navigate my way through that junk Gervin Price begins to make some kind of like squeaky noise, you know, and the veins on his temple started to pulse and that.

30:57Is your chunky little mate medically stable, sir? Oh yeah, don't worry, it's his first time here. Yeah, under-fucking-stood. Now, moving on to your chases of means. Sirs can choose from wither thin slices of raw Bavarian hog-earness. Gerwin Price started squeaking again. Fuck, fuck. Gerwin, careful there. Sprinkled with piping hot pellets fashioned from ossified hedgehog glands. Oh, someone's gonna need to send out a search party for my fucking knackers in a minute because I just ingested them in anticipation of this canada carver. This, oh God, I can hardly speak. But it's no good. It's the word carnivorous.

31:52See, it's not good. Gerwin's face is turning like bright red and he unleashes one of his trade-make celebratory noises.

32:05Fucking hell, Gerwin. Sorry, Edie. Jesus fucking wabbed. Anyway, alternatively, serves me up to practice in a marginally poisoned pyramid of minced tapeworm. Marginally poisoned? So how much poison is that? Ron says it's just enough to send you well and truly sideways and then back a little bit to the right. Oh, fuck yes, thank you. And that will be served up while subtly drizzled in half a pint of water and is describing as dog gravy.

32:44Has sir finished?

32:51For dessert, Ron has created an absolute gift of a dish, pulped raccoon DNA that has been caramelised and then smeared all over a massive fucking curly whirly.

33:07At this point, Ron Craig storms out from the kitchen, see what all the screaming's about. What the fuck is this woeful specimen that is holding all over my sacred dining area? There's some kind of pot-shaped beast delivered to me so I might slaughter it and cook it up in the massive pot. Watch it, Ron. This is one of the top star players on the planet. Hey, Dick Fock! Looks like he's sprung from some kind of piggly on the outskirts of fucking Senorville.

33:51At that point, Gerwins howls in excitement and anger. He curls up into, like, a muscular ball, rolls himself at Ron, knocking him over as though he's like a human bowling pin before grabbing him in a punishing headlock. Whoa! Yeah. Sorry. I'm so sorry. At that point, I got a WhatsApp notification from Hemnen, Humnen, so I had to head back to Infinity to pick up my ray gun. Ah, well, there you go. We'll never find out what happened then. Whether or not Ron Frank did indeed cook Gerwin Price. I suspect he will have. I suspect he will have. Yeah, he can't be stopped, can he? He can't be stopped. I have got some topics of interest for you Go on then Before we bring this to a conclusion Can there be too big a dog?

34:48Yeah, I think dogs are getting a bit too big these days I was looking at something on Twitter which was measuring the pounds per square inch of pressure these big dogs' jaws put into someone's arm if they bite them and it's 700 psi, Andy. It's far too much. It's far too much. At the lower end, you've got the chihuahuas and that at about 120. It's not going to get much lower than that. It's not going to get much lower than that. Yeah, I think they're getting a bit big. I'm not a dog lover, Andy, so to be honest with you, I'm a cat man. Again, topics, it's no question. It just says simply all the roadworks.

35:30I'm not sure. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be like a grumpy bloke you know what I mean I try try try you know what happens Andy you're not old enough yet you get old in your later 60s and I've realised the process that happens is you desperately start convincing yourself that the world is shit so that you feel I'll be glad when I go and it's all these little things like road works traffic sign you know so I try to avoid it so I'm not even going to contemplate the roadworks. Right, that's fine. Can you really trust a family-run business? They really trust them.

36:11I'll have to get back to you on that, Andy. I'm not sure because I don't think there's any accountability. There's not as much as there could be. There could be stuff going on in there within a family, you know, environment that we're not privy to. Violence. As to how they run their business. I don't know. Jealousy? I don't know. It's just a vibe I get when I see a family-run business. Fair enough. Thoughts? Thoughts? Well, I would still go to one because a lot of the family businesses near me are doing quite special stuff like they'll mend your hoover or sell you an airfix kit. So, I'll still go to one.

36:49Yeah, but you don't know if it's come back and they've maybe licked your hoover or something like that. Yeah, I'm alright with that. I'm alright with that, Andy. Are you alright with that? And I got an Airfix kit at the place, one of the ones in a bag. I think it was something like£2.12 or something. And it's not going to get much cheaper than that, Andy. No, it's not going to get any cheaper than that. Scouse detective. Now, it's not... What? Scouse check-in? It's not going to get any cheaper than that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's not as good as the other ones, but all right. Hey, Vim Fuego says, I've just eaten a salad cream sandwich.

37:33Does that make me a wrong one? If it was on a darker bread, I think that's all right. You're not even playing a Warburton's milk roll with salad cream. I wouldn't put it in a milk roll, man. Have you had a milk... Like a bread bun, a milk bread bun? No. They're very good for hot dog, Andy. Are these Warburtons? Yeah, the Warburton's do a milk roll They do the milk roll and now they've branched out into buns as well Alright then, I'll have a look at that Give it a go Andy Are you going to let me go now or what? No, I've got two more questions from the past snippers Andrew Proven says I'd like to do some investigation And a report on property factors and their prices How do I get started?

38:15I think you need to sit down First I think rent an office Then it all gets serious Do you know what I mean? okay uh well i'm not asking any more questions then because because you know it seems like you want to go but i was just going to quickly say before we go i saw you were on the one show last week yeah plug in your new um whatever was it the book or was it the fishing is the book the long show the book the long show did they mention me did they mention having me on no they didn't You sure? I'm absolutely sure, yeah Didn't mention Threatcore Mints or you at all Yes Oz Didn't happen Alright, okay, no problem Alright, thanks for listening Thanks for your indulgence Thanks for your support Thank you Andrew Yes, and we'll hopefully be back soon Back soon, see ya Goodbye

39:33Hi, it's Brooke DeVard, host of Naked Beauty, and I want to talk about how I upgrade my hosting experience. There's a moment just before guests arrive when my home stops feeling like a series of rooms and it becomes an atmosphere. The light settles, the air shifts, and then the beautiful scent of jasmine, rose, and fig fill the air. It feels warm and considered. That's what Pura does. It turns fragrance into environment. A collection of beautiful, clean fragrances, all controlled from your phone. Choose your sense of place at Pura.com.

From the publisher

Scary stuff, country music, Lawro at Talksport, Memory Man, Dyche returns, a quiz, and a new visitor to Slaughters.


(Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 31/10/25 https://www.patreon.com/athleticomince)

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

More from Athletico Mince

All episodes